All language subtitles for Columbo.Murder.Smoke.and.Shadows.1989.1080p.MY5.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-None_track3_[eng]

You OK, Alex? If I was any better,
I'd be unbearable.

What we got, Stanley?
Three-dimensional magic.

Show me.
Lights, maestro.

Set?
Yep. Hit it.

Ruthie?!
She volunteered. Yeah.

She's a volunteering kind of girl.

OK, pan the projector.

(GROANS)

About 20 degrees off axis
and there she goes.

I guess we're not ready to thrill
the audience with Ruth Jernigan
in holographic glorious 3-D.

Stan, go in there
and look nice for me.

OK, now act for me, Stan. It's
windy.

"It's cold. It's windy."

"There's a big storm coming."

Lightening!
(SIGHS)

Good thing you're not an actor,
Stan.

Alright, babes, that's enough.
Thanks.

"And as we move around the corner,
on our right you'll see our own
house of magic,

where our directors truly make
the impossible come true -
the special effects building."

"We might pop in there later
and continue this tour
all the way to Mars."

"Oh, and coming out over there right
on cue for us, that fella there
is the master of special effects."

"That's the young man who's made
more super hits than any director
in Hollywood history - Alex Brady."

"Here he comes riding on his little
cart. Hi, Alex!" (ALL) Hi, Alex!

"As we go round the corner
we'll come to our Western town."

"Actually, it's more like six
Western towns rolled into one..."

"(CLASSICAL MUSIC)"

Alex?

Alex!

Lenny.

Lenny! You come to town, you don't
call, you don't let me know, huh?

How are ya? Oh, God...

Wait a minute. You did call.
Two days ago my secretary said
you were on the phone.

I picked it up. You weren't there.
Are you playing tricks? I just
wanted to see if you'd be here.

I guess I was a little nervous.
What are you nervous about?
Let me look at ya. You look great!

Took off a few.
So, what are you doin' in town?

Are you still living in Albany?
Oh, yeah. Still at the men's store.

(SIGHS) Oh, boy. You know, I figured
you'd have an office like this.

This isn't my office. This is just
a little goof-off place.

Talented Alex. Smart, smart Alex.

Stop.
Still just one of the fellas.

The three of us goofin' around
old LA.

You and me, and Buddy Coates.

So, what are you doin' in town?
How long are you gonna be here for?

Well, just a day.

I ducked my job for the day. In this
morning, out tonight. Quick trip.

I took that studio tour.

I sort of jumped ship when I saw ya.

Can I see it? Ah, that's nothin'.
Just some special effects
we're working on. Come over.

Look at that.

Hmm?

Er, poor Buddie's dead.

Buddie Coates?
Mmm.

Wow.

It was last week. Hepatitis.

I'd see him once in a while.

Yeah, we were a hard-luck bunch,
hmm? First my sister, Jenny,

then Buddie. Jenny was
a long time ago. Not so long.

A year behind us in school, right?

Right after you had your good luck
with Mr Marosco. He gave you
your first job.

(Hey! Come on!)

We'll drink a soda to Buddie.

What was his favourite?
Chocolate. Chocolate, right.

I got chocolate.

Can we drink to Jenny too?

Sure! Sure.
Ice-cream sodas all around.

Sit down.

Do you remember how we were
helping you with that little
amateur film of yours?

You know, to finish it up. I was
working at the market that Sunday,

keeping up the payments on my
motorcycle. You wanted Jenny to ride
it in the picture. She was scared.

I said, "No way."
And we dropped the whole thing.
And you and Buddie...

Your second cameraman. Remember how
you got him hooked on film for
a while? He shoulda stayed with it.

Yeah, well,
there's you and Buddie,...

..and you're waiting for her
to show up at the location,...

..but she never got there.

That accident with the cycle.

Yeah, she's bleeding to death
until somebody... finds her.

Too late for the paramedics.
She dies in the ambulance.

Come on. Come on, Lenny.

Don't lacerate yourself.

Lacerate? (SNORTS)

You, you, er, always knew
just the right word.

To Buddie.

To Jenny.

On my last day with Buddie
he gave me a package.

He asked me not to look at it

until he was no longer with us.

And it was, a...

..little reel of 16mm film.

Like you used to use.

So I had it made up bigger.

Into 35mm.

Kinda like you used to make.

So,... can we see it on that thing?

(Sure.)

Oh, yeah...

She got there, alright.

She got to you and to Buddie,
and to your film.

There was no accident along the way.
Your stunt went out of control.

She was bleeding to death and you...

..left her.

You just left her there.
You didn't try to help.

You ran away
and you left her to die.

Was that because of Mr Marosco?
Were you afraid your wonderful
new good luck might run out

if he ever found out
what you did to her?

I choked on this, Alex.

Man,... I couldn't tell anyone.
Not until I could face you.

(Lenny.) And I'm glad
that you're such a terrific success.

I am. And I'm glad...
you got everything you got.

Cos I'm gonna turn it into garbage.

I'll run that picture
in every scandal sheet,

in every newspaper.

I'll see it. I'll see that film

on every TV news show
until you choke on it too.

It isn't true, Lenny. No!
And the cops! And the prosecutors!

Until you climb into your grave
like it's one of your new
fancy sports cars, Alex!

That's what I came here to tell you!
Len, it isn't real!

I don't know what Buddie was doing.

When did he start playing tricks
with film? What?

It's a fake! A phoney! Look.

It's all tricked out. Was he jealous
because I made a life and he didn't?

Huh? Look at it, Len. Look.

You can, you can... It's... It's...
You can see the matte line.
It's not even real here.

It's not even one piece of film.

Any technician could read it.
See the generational grain?
I don't see it.

I'll show it to you.
Give me the film. No! No! No! Hey.

Hey, Lenny, Lenny. Lenny...

Lenny, for God's sake,
we were friends.

What is Buddie trying to do to us?

Hmm? Look, sit down.

Relax. Do you...?

Do you really think
I could have done this to Jenny?

Hmm?

I'll tell you what.

Give me a few hours.
You wait here for me.

I gotta go get some other equipment
together, other experts.
Then I'll show ya it's a fake.

Then you'll understand whatever it
is to understand about poor Buddie.

Just, just,
just give me a few hours.

Alright, Alex. I'm keeping the film.
Fine.

Fine. Fine.
I got a plane at 11:00, OK?
I gotta be in the store tomorrow.

I will put you on that plane myself,
I promise. And you'll give me
a hug goodbye.

In the meantime,
just make yourself comfortable.
Everything you need is here.

Hey, Lenny, Lenny, trust me.

Hello, Rose, you're fired.
Excuse me, Alex?

I said it's time to go home, Rose.
Thanks for a great day. Say it
again. Why? I like to hear it.

Mr Marosco called you twice. He's
anxious to talk with you. Tell him
tomorrow. I have no time now.

What's this call here? Oh, he's that
nice production manager you used
to work with. "The Professor".

Rose,... couldn't you have told him
something else?

Should I have told him he's too old,
Alex?

Hey, give me a break.
Alex.

Ruth Jernigan is waiting for you.

How long?

Not long. Ten minutes.

And Phil Crossette is here.

Oh, Phil.

I won't keep you long, Mr Brady.
That little job I did for you,
everything work out alright? Yeah.

Was the performance OK?
The performance was very good.

On the next picture, I'll show my
appreciation. No part is too small.

Anything I can do to help you out...
Alright.

Thank you, huh?
Good night. Good night, Phil.

I've been posing here for you.

You wanna try for laughs?

Try a little kick
with your upstage foot.

How's that for laughs?

I could use a lot of that, Ruthie.
You used to use a lot of that.

Before I went to work
as your leading lady.

And while you were working
I seem to have heard something

how you went and got yourself
a new boyfriend.

Just a couple of playful actors,

and right on my very own picture.
Maybe the movie was our trouble,
Herr Doctor Director(!)

I seem to have slipped your mind.
Just your actress while you made
your very own picture.

Can I confess? Even murderers
are allowed to confess. I've gotta
do something about you and me.

Now? Now? I've got other things
to think about.

Well, just let me in when you can.

"Exit, pursued by a bear."

Shakespeare wrote that.

Davey, this is Alex Brady.
I need a wet-down on Brownstone.

In about an hour.

I'm not running a debate here,
Davey. Just find your man and do it.

Thanks for waiting.
What was I gonna do? Go dancing?

You got the film?

Good.

Come on. They're waiting for us.
We've just got one stop to make.

I don't believe this, Alex.

I know. You will.

Brownstone Street.

What for? Why'd you bring me here?

To see the street.

THIS is where we make movies.

Shadows on the handy-dandy screen.

This... is where we kid you

with illusions.

THIS is where we blow your reality,
Lenny.

This is where I kill you, Lenny.

Hey...!

Come on...
We could never hurt each other...

You and me.

The film...

It's the truth, isn't it?

What the hell
do you know about the truth?

What's shadow?

What's substance?

They teach you about that
in men's store, Lenny?

You're crazy.
Better run, Lenny. Escape, escape.

You know, Lenny, that film...
You hurt me, old friend.

You hurt an old friend.
And that hurts me...

..right here.

Hey...! It's all an act!

Don't you know an act?
I'm acting for you!

Here we go, Len. (GASPS)
Illusion all the way.

Into the maelstrom.

Into the Valley of Death
rode the 600. It's all fake, Len.

No valley, no gallant 600.

Death...

..is the only part that's real.

Who's the real illusion, Len?
You or me?

Which one of us is going to die?

Argh!

(FRIZZING CONTINUES)
Argh...

(THUNDER)

Everything OK, Alex? Everything's
peachie-keen. Good night, Scottie.

Good night, sir.

(THUNDER CONTINUES)

(RATTLING)

(TRAIN HOOTER)

Excuse me! Excuse me!

I'm sorry. I guess one of us
must be in the wrong place.

Oh, that'll be me, Mr Brady.
I certainly know who you are.

I'm sorry, but in this whole studio,
this whole wonderful place,

this was the treasure
that caught my eye.

This certainly is a beauty.
I'm with the police, sir.

Er, Lieutenant Columbo.

Homicide.

Miss Walker, your secretary, sir,
told me to wait here
while she tried to find you.

How did you know?

Know what, sir?

You... are the answer
to a film maker's prayers!

(CHUCKLES) In my business,

the film business, we're always
working with the same people,
over and over.

We never, hardly ever, break out of
our own self-centred little circle

to meet somebody wonderfully new.
An authentic plumber,

a real chemist, or, praise God,
a homicide lieutenant!

You know, it's funny, I've been
thinking about making a detective
movie. (CHUCKLES) You know,

I would like to take this straw

and stick it in your ear and extract
everything you've ever thought
or felt, or seen,

or even dreamed
about your profession.

And I bless whatever it is
that brought you here to me.

Oh, here, sit down, Lieutenant.
Please, sit down.

I'm interested to hear anything
you wanna tell me. Well,

that is as fine a greeting
as I've ever received.

Mostly when a policeman shows up,
people right away
get all guarded and crazy,

but you, sir, you've made me feel
very welcome.

What I came to see you about, sir,
er, it's about an unidentified body
on the beach,

what they call a "John Doe".

Er...

Do you mind if I stand, sir?

Sure, Lieutenant. Here, let me help.
Why don't we try it over here?

So, what's with this John... Doe...
at the beach?

Identity unknown, sir.
An unidentified body found
at the beach early this morning.

Try this for comfort. Try stretching
out on it. It's a... water bed.

You know,
I've never tried one of these.

My wife, that's Mrs Columbo,
she tried to get me interested.

(LIGHT SPLOSHING)

Well? How do you like it?

Well, to tell you the truth, sir,
it feels all swimmie. Makes me wonder
what Mrs Columbo had in mind.

I know how strange it is, sir,

my coming to you about this John Doe,

but if you'll just bear with me.

You see, the victim's face,
Mr Brady,

er,... I hate to say it right out
like this, but he had no face,

like he was struck by a heavy blow,

like from a hammer.

And it's death by electrocution, sir.
About your age.

Electrocuted by a very high voltage.

Oh, it blew out
his whole nervous system.

Lightening.
Well, I'm afraid not, sir, you see,

the weather boys say
rain but no lightening.
High-tension lines at the beach?

Oh, that certainly would help
explain it, sir, but, er,
no electricity near the body.

No electricity at all. This is...
This is a really interesting bed.

And, er, I certainly enjoyed
the experience.

And we can't even get
any fingerprints. Hands all burnt,

like he was grabbing onto something
when it happened. His pockets, empty.

All turned out and empty, sir.

So, you see, we've got
a very real problem here.

How to identify him, sir.
How to give him a name and a life.

Then, maybe we could deal
with how he died.

Which brings me to you, sir.

And this.

The Films Of Alex Brady.

We found it near the body,
on the road.

Maybe somebody dropped it. Or maybe
it fell from the victim's pocket,

like, if somebody was tearing
the body, like, from a car.

Or maybe it had nothing whatsoever
to do with the murder.

So, you think it was a murder?

Well, I expect
it was something like murder.

It would have been a very strange
electrocution if the victim got up
and turned his pockets out,

and then took himself to the beach
and hit himself in the face.

If you get my drift, sir. (CHUCKLES)
I get your drift, Lieutenant.

Well, what I don't understand is how
I can help. I mean, there must be
thousands of copies of that book.

I even have one myself.

See?

Well, it's not just the book, Mr
Brady, it's what's inside this book.

Erm...

Inside the cover.

Over by the light, please?

It's... damp from the rain
but you can still read it.

It's written in pencil.

It's the telephone number
of the studio, with the area code.
Do you see that, sir? Yeah.

Yes, I see that.
And written under the studio number,

the telephone number of your office,
Mr Brady.

Your direct-dial number if somebody
wants to reach you without going
through the switchboard. See it?

It's like somebody had found out
your number, then written it here
so that they could call you.

Yeah, that's... clear enough,
Lieutenant. Did somebody call you?

You mean, somebody without a face,
electrocuted,
whose name we don't know?

Well, now you put it that way,
it's not much of a question, is it?

Well, we wouldn't be doing our jobs
if we didn't check out every detail.

Any kind of a strange call at all,
sir,

maybe somebody you didn't even know.
Yes.

Yes?
Lots of calls from the unknown.

Books like that are mostly published
for amateurs, Lieutenant.

Film buffs, people living
their lives through some film maker
they think they understand,

or who might even understand them.
Some have a crazy idea for a movie,

others have even scratched down
a script, but most of them
are enthusiastically fantasising.

And they call. Where did I begin?
How did I get started?
How can they get started.

"Tell me the secret, show me the
way." They're sweet or desperate,
or sad, and they do call me

and everybody else in our line
of work. I'm sorry, Lieutenant.

I guess I'm just no help.
No help at all.

Well, sir, I can't say I'm
surprised, and I'll be running along.

Good day, ma'am. You can almost
reach out and touch her.

Would you like to?
That's holographic film.

Guaranteed three-dimensional.
But it's just a piece of film, sir.

Oh, Lieutenant...

You could say that
about everything we do here.

But is the film real? Yes. But
the images that are on - The images!

Are they any less real?
No, no, Mr Brady.

You're gonna run circles around me
if we go on like this.

I've taken enough of your time.
I'll just say thank you very much

and I won't be troubling you again.
No trouble at all, Lieutenant.

Take care.

(SIGHS)

Excuse me, sir. Just one more thing.

Were you serious
about making a detective movie
based on a character like me?

Are you gonna help me, Lieutenant?

Well, that's the problem, and don't
get me wrong, I would be thrilled,...

..but... I gotta be honest with you,
sir.

The kind of work I do,
I don't think it's as interesting

as you think it is.
It's just not exciting, Mr Brady.

It's not like in the movies.
I mean, the things that I work with,

I don't think they would be
interesting to an audience.

But if I'm wrong, you correct me.

But, for instance, er,...

..take these ice-cream soda glasses.

If I'm on a homicide case, sir,
forgive me,

and I had to work with these glasses,
well, then, I have to find
these two glasses interesting.

But for your movie, you can't -
I'm already interested, Lieutenant.

Well, then, I'd have to say that...

..you used all this recently.
Two ice-cream soda glasses.

Straws, spoons...

I'd say chocolate, sir.

Chocolate syrup
and vanilla ice cream.

What we used to call
"a black and white".

And the way the cream has hardened
around the rim,
I'd say maybe this morning,

but you wouldn't use ice cream in the
mornin', so I'd say maybe sometime...

..yesterday. So if I was going
to try to make it even more
interesting for you, sir,

I'd have to say the two of you
were enjoying two black and white
ice-cream sodas.

But not really enjoying them
because one is hardly touched

and the other one
is only half-finished.
So you might have been interrupted.

Or maybe the two of you
were very busy together.

Or maybe something upset the both
of ya and you just left them there.

As to who that other person
might have been...

I'd say it's probably a man.
No lipstick marks.

And as for the rest, Mr Brady,

well, we would have to go
to the fingerprints.

But I don't think we have to go
that far, sir.

I told you you'd only be
disappointed. Disappointed?

Are you kidding, Lieutenant?
Why, that's not only interesting,

that is fascinating. Well,
I think you're just being kind.

But I really have to run now, sir.
I'll try not to keep you,
Lieutenant.

Take care, now.

(GLASSES SMASH)

(DOOR OPENS)

Was I right, sir?

About the soda glasses?

Close enough, Lieutenant.

Ah...

Ma'am?

I'm standing here
with a printout in my hand.
I got charges in black and white.

Ma'am.

No chance, Cecil. He wouldn't
order it without telling me.

He should've told me
before he ordered it
but he would've told me after.

I said he didn't tell me before!

Well, if you have to put something
in your computer, I can't think
of a better place to insert it!

Afternoon, Inspector.

Er, no, just a lieutenant.
They don't have inspectors any more.

I wanted to thank you, ma'am. Mr
Brady and I did find each other in
his secret hangout. The boys' club.

The club for one boy.
If you were an inspector,
you could help me inspect this desk.

I'm looking for a ten ton
water truck. On this desk?
A note or something.

They say he ordered a water truck
to water Brownstone Street

last night. Their wacko computer
is charging our wacko computer

and that is some wacko system!

Why would he order a water truck?
We don't even shoot for six months?

I'm sure I wouldn't know, ma'am.
He's very young, Mr Brady, isn't he?

This whole damn business
is very young, Inspector.
Er, Lieutenant, ma'am.

When I was a young lieutenant,
the inspectors...

Is this a weather report?
Help yourself. Picture makers
live and die by the weather.

I always like to check to see
if I'm really gonna need my raincoat.

As I was saying, ma'am,
when I was younger,

the inspectors,
they all seemed very old.

When I was a young secretary,
all the great directors
and producers seemed very old.

Now that I'm an old secretary,
they got very young - film children.

They know every foot of film,
ever shot.

But they think the most important
date in history is their birthday.

Is there anything more
I can do for you? Oh,

well, I was just wondering, ma'am,
all those fans of Mr Brady, those
people who read his books on film,

when they call for him here,
do you keep a list

of those phone calls? No.
Just business and personal ones.

If we did, we'd need another
computer instead of a clipboard.

Well, that would have been some job
looking through all those names.

What am I talking about?
I wouldn't even know
what name I'd be looking for.

Well, thank you very much, Ms Walker.

Goodbye, Inspector.

Lieutenant, ma'am.

You're like an agent.
You read upside down.
What are you finding on my desk?

Secrets, Marosco.
Just the secrets you keep from me.

I got a problem with the Board.

They're all over me
about a hit for Easter.

They want your picture.
Easter, not summer.

Aw, gee, no chance, Mr Marosco.

I can't do it that fast.
It's not the Board asking, it's me.

We're not exactly strangers, Alex.
I hope we respect each other.

Maybe more than respect. So, can
we have it, can I have it by Easter?

When do they have to know?

I have to know today.
I got a Board meeting.

Tell them I'm obstinate. Wacko.
Like old Rosie said.

That way they can't do anything.
Say, say you can't do anything
with me.

We'll both be covered. Blame me.

What can they do?
They can't lay a glove on you.

This... is for you.

You're a generous young man, Alex.
Look, I gotta get back to work,
Mr Marosco.

Hey, you know how to handle them,
Boss. You always did.

Here's his belt, Lieutenant.
Oh,... his belt.

Just an ordinary belt?
Yes, ordinary.

Ordinary... belt.

When do I get to open my eyes?
When I say so.

Oh, who was that man
in your office last night?

What man? Oh, that guy.
It's Phil Crossette.

Yeah, who is he?
Just a friend of mine.

I think I've seen him before. Could
be. He's an actor. A bit player.
You might have seen him on the lot.

No, I think I've seen him
someplace real.

What comes after Saturday?

Sunday.

OK, you can open your eyes.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, Alex.

Oh,... Ruthie.

So, you ever gonna find true love,
Andy Hardy?

I thought I finally did.

Ouch. No fair.

So tell me about your actor.

Your actor.

Your movie.

And I was drowning. I was
bored stiff waiting for you.

And I was wigwagging all over
the place. "Help me. Hold me".

"Kiss me. Save me."

But you were too busy counting your,
er,... sprocket holes.

The picture hadn't even started yet
when I met Brian.

I met him by accident,
my leading-man-to-be.

And then, erm,...
we had a punishing love affair.

Who got punished?

It was supposed to be you.

Worked out it was me.

So, did you miss me?

I mean, on balance?

Yes.

How much?

How much do you want?

Just bat your eyelashes.

(SIGHS)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Perfect(!) (LAUGHS)
Perfect(!)

(I'll be right back.)

It's been a splendid day, sir!
It's been a terrific day.

Very good news.

I thought you might be interested
in sharing it with me.

Lieutenant Columbo... Come on in.

Lieutenant, this is my friend Ruth
Jernigan. Ruth, Lieutenant Columbo.

I've been hearing about you,
Lieutenant. Well, I've certainly
heard about you and your movies.

It's a very great pleasure.
I'm not intruding? No. Not at all.

I'm sure you and Alex
have important business.

Well, it is important, ma'am.

Remember me, kiddo.

(Bye.)

Night, Lieutenant.

So,... is our business important,
Lieutenant?

I'll leave that up to you, Mr Brady.
I brought you some good news.

Ah, about our John doe.

Well, he's not a John Doe any more.

We know exactly who he is.

In one day, Lieutenant?

I told ya, it's been a terrific day.

He was wearing... this.

(TRAIN HOOTER)

His belt?

His belt, sir.

What do you think about that?

You're thinking that's not a very
interesting item to use in a movie.

But suppose I show you this, sir.

This folding
on the inside of the belt.

(VELCRO RIPS)

Does that help give me
your attention, sir?

You have my attention, Lieutenant.
And the zipper's here
underneath the flap.

Do you see that zipper?

That's what tells us
this is a money belt.

People take trips.

And sometimes they hide money
in a belt like this,
in a secret compartment.

Are you interested in that?
I mean, for something you might use
in a movie.

We're not making a movie,
Lieutenant. Why don't we stick
to John Doe and his belt.

Would you just open the zipper, sir?

You see,
there's a secret pocket there.

Why don't we see
what's in the pocket?

That is, if you're still interested,
sir.

Seems to be a traveller's cheque.
That's exactly what it is.

The victim was a very careful man.
He hid a traveller's cheque
in his money belt.

A $100 traveller's cheque.

Can you see that, sir? And these
numbers that are printed here,

would your audience
find these numbers exciting, sir?

Because, to a detective,
these numbers,...

..well, they're brilliant.

When I look at them
I don't see numbers.

I see... a neon sign blinking
a name and address,

because these special numbers,
what they do is connect this cheque

to the buyer's name and address.

That's an absolute fact, sir.
That's how we identified John Doe.

And who was it, Lieutenant?
Who was who?

Oh, you mean the John Doe.

(MUTTERS)

Bare with me, sir.

Fisher. Leonard Fisher. That was
his name. He lives in Albany.

At least, he did,
until he was electrocuted.

Are you sure? Leonard Fisher?

Oh, very sure, sir. The Albany police
people, they've been co-operative.

They even faxed us
his driver's licence photo. Here.

I think it's here.

I know this man, Lieutenant.
You do.

I don't understand.

I mean,... we, erm,

we grew up together.
We loved each other.

I can't...

Lenny's was the body you found?

What a remarkable coincidence, sir.

You actually knew him?

Coincidence is what makes a story,
Lieutenant.

Without coincidence life runs evenly
like... a train on a track.

Coincidence is a train wreck.

Violence and suffering, and guilt.

Guilt, sir?

Lenny's sister, Jenny...

..was killed about ten years ago...

..in a freak accident.

She was on her way to meet me.

Me.

(SOBS SLIGHTLY) No me, no accident,

no dead Jenny...

And now Lenny too.

What was he doing in Los Angeles?
Why didn't he call me?

When was the last time you saw him,
sir?

(SOBS) About three years ago.

It was with another friend of ours,
Buddie.

(Jenny's dead.)

Now Lenny's murdered.

(That leaves me.)

Erm...

I'm, er, I'm gonna have to...

..excuse myself, Lieutenant.
If you don't mind. I'm afraid
I'm not fit company.

I understand, sir.

It must be a terrible shock.

Is there anything else I can do?
Well, there is something, sir.

Tell me. Maybe not, sir.
Maybe some other time.

Not under these circumstances.
They're my circumstances,
Lieutenant, not yours! Go ahead.

Is it alright if I make myself
an ice-cream soda?

Of course, Lieutenant.

Thank you, sir.

Good night, Lieutenant.

Good night, sir.

(WHISTLES)

(Stupid!)

(STRAW SLURPS)

Start it!

"Yo, Stanley!" Yo!
"Where's the water truck?!"

Coming at a dead run, Alex!

What do you want? You want food?

You just ate. (DOG GROANS)
Alright here.

Here's a bone.

That's your third one this mornin'.

Too many snacks.

Soon you're gonna be big
like a dirigible.

You won't be able to fit in the car.

I'll be right back.

(DOG MOANS)

"Stanley! More wind, less fog!"

Mr Brady! "OK, yeah, move that more
over to the right!"

Sir!
"That's good!"

Mr Brady!

It's me! Lieutenant Columbo!

"I'm afraid I'm a bit busy right now
up here, Lieutenant!"

I got the clippings!

"You got the what?"
Clippings, sir! Newspaper clippings!

"I'll be right down, Lieutenant."
Just take your time. I'll wait here.

I don't wanna interfere.
I know you're busy.

What clippings, Lieutenant?
At the office.
Just part of my investigation.

All the clippings from that
motorcycle incident with Mr Fisher's
sister. You and Buddie Coates,

you had no reason to feel guilty.

I just had to say that, sir.

It makes me feel better, Mr Brady.
Kill the smoke, Frank!

That accident was all the motorcycle.
You had nothing to do with it. It
would have been different if she was

working on your film, but she wasn't,
so there's no reason for guilt.

Could I sit here?

I mean, when you go back up?
Your work is so interesting, sir.

As you said before, I'm sure my work
isn't as interesting as yours.

Just a few minutes. It's sort of like
turnabout. Your work for my work.

I'd be very quiet.

Alright, Lieutenant. Hop on up.
I really appreciate this, sir.

Thank you very much.
Buckle up. OK, haul me up, fellas.

This is called a Titan crane,
Lieutenant. Don't feel you have to
talk. Just concentrate on your work.

Does the height bother you?

Oh, no, no. Hardly at all.

I don't hardly mind.

We're just having a look at this
for about 20 seconds
in a dream sequence.

Wind whipping around, the fog,
slick, wet streets.

"Arm us left, fellas!"

It'll look very real in its own way.

Film makes its own reality.

"Arm us to the right!
Down and right!"

I'm not sure whether we'll shoot
this day or night though.

"No. Back up to the left, fellas!
Back up to the left!"

Is that why you ordered the water
truck the other night, sir?
To, er, wet down the streets?

Your secretary was very upset about
that, your forgetting to tell her.

Well, Rosie gets upset about
paperclips these days, Lieutenant.
We all make allowances for age.

"Down and right!"

(VOICE MUTED)

I gotta get back to my stage,
Lieutenant. I'm glad you enjoyed
the ride. Oh, I think I did, sir.

( BANGING)

Awful dead in there, Stan!

Let me try somethin'.

That any better, Alex?

Not bad. Got any sand? For sand
I need a bigger wind machine.

OK, strike the window.
You got it.

Mr Brady? Sir?

What are you doing in my desert,
Lieutenant?

I was looking for you, sir.
I think I came in the wrong way.

"(LASER BLASTS HOWL)"
(GASPS)

(CHUCKLES) That was great, sir.

Oh! It's a good thing
I wore my raincoat.

I think you better get me outta here,
sir.

Stanley, why don't you help down
Lieutenant Columbo?
He seems to be a bit lost.

I got it. Thanks.
Will you be alright for a while?

Sure. Go ahead, Stanley.

That was a very eerie feeling, sir.
For a moment there... I didn't know
where I was any more.

Where were you when you knew
where you were, Lieutenant?

I was in the middle of my work,
thinking about your friend,
Len Fisher.

He being here in LA, and all,
can you think of any reason

why he wouldn't get in touch with ya?
No, I can't.

It's funny.
I've been troubled by that myself.

Could he have been angry with you
about something, sir?

How would I know, Lieutenant? Right.
How would you know about it if you
hadn't seen him or spoken to him?

You'll excuse all the questions, sir.
Asking questions, listen and ask -
that's all we've got to work with.

It's really not an interesting line
of work. Not nearly as fascinating
as yours.

Oh,... I don't know. A moment ago
you were lost in the shadows.

Shadows on the screen.

Light and shadow. Shadow and light.

That's all we have to work with.

For instance,...

..what is that over there?

That looks like
a big black picket fence.

Right...
And what about that up there?

Yo! Wagner!

A spotlight, Mr Brady?
(A spotlight.)

Now let's see what happens when
we mix the light with the fence.

Wagner!

Light! And shadow, Lieutenant.

Am I trapped behind the fence?

Or are you?
Or are we trapping each other?

Shall we?

Why don't we try to escape from all
this? It should be easy to get out.

Not if we reverse the action. See?
We're still left with each other.

Now our film's making
its own reality.
And there's no end to the fence.

We could always just
back away from each other.

Back away and you lose your light.
Without light you die.

Your picture dies and you've lost
your murder case, Lieutenant.

You've left the world
of your own reality, Lieutenant.

Now you're living in my world.
Now you're living in my reality.

You've lost your substance.
You're a shadow on my screen.

An illusion without reality, sir?
But I think I'm very real.

What's real and what isn't? We do
our tricks with smoke and mirrors.

The mirrors are real,
so is the smoke.

But is the fence real, Lieutenant?

Oh... Oh, I'm pretty sure
about that, sir.

Clouds of atomic particles
fly through empty space
pretending to be a fence,

and you call that reality?

As real as you are, Mr Brady.
Right...

Now you understand.

I'm the substance
and you're the shadow.

I created you,
and I can destroy you.

I could vanish you with a word.

What word is that, sir?

Kill!

Remarkable, sir.
Just an exercise.

Just an exercise...
Sometimes I think that's the way
my investigation is going, sir.

Well, mine was just
theatrical tricks, Lieutenant.

Not in the same league
as pursuing a murder case.

Now we're get back
to the same problem, Mr Brady.

You wanna make a movie
about a detective. Now,
in this particular murder case

the victim's belt and the traveller's
cheque - you might say that
was interesting, even theatrical,

but now I'm thinkin' the shoes.
It is evidence, sir.

Came off the victim's feet.

Well, you judge.

Could you find anything
interesting here?

Would I find this interesting?

Just a shoe?
Just a shoe.

Just by looking at it,
I could tell it was a cheap shoe
and it was made in Portugal,

but who cares?

Portugal. Right.

Here's another, sir.

No heel.

No heel.
Not much but better than nothin'.

A missing... Portuguese... heel.

Well, it's not uninteresting,
Lieutenant. And the question -

what happened to the missing heel?

Now, that question...
Yes. Yes?

I see. That question might get the
audience's attention. Do you agree?

Definitely.
The audience would be right with us.

What made the heel come off?
Could you discover that
just by using your eyes?

What do you think?

I... don't know.
Well, you can't.

You've also gotta touch it.

It's sticky.

Yes. Yes, it is.

It is sticky. Probably
where the electricity came out.

The electricity blew off the heel!

But you already knew
your victim was electrocuted.

So all these deductions of yours,

they don't really represent
any real progress.

Oh, no... It's not like they help you
solve your murder case. Oh, no.

That would really
be exciting for both of us.

It'd have you
on the edge of your seat.

Oh, sir, what you see,
that's what you get.

OK. Well, that's the best I could do.

I know you're busy.
I'll let you go about your work.

But don't give up on this case,
Mr Brady. Who knows
what tomorrow will bring.

Maybe we'll make some real progress.
Well, I'll keep my fingers crossed,
Lieutenant.

Good day, sir.
Good day.

(SIGHS)

Just a second, sir.
You'll get a kick out of this.

I'm walking around Brownstone Street.
Naturally, I got heels on my mind.

"A shoe without a heel."
"How did the heel come off?"

"Heel this." "Heel that."
Then I stepped on something.

Here. You won't believe this, sir.

Oh. Here.

It was a heel.

Now that's what I'm gonna tell the
wife. Back to work, sir. See ya soon.

From my bed...

..on a clear dawn...
you can see Catalina. I know.

Uh-huh.

Can I show you?

It's not dawn yet.

It will be.

Your friend,... Phil Crossette...

That man in your office
the other day.

I remember where I saw him before.
Is that important?

I think so.

But first I...
want to tell you how I met Brian.

I want you to know
about our accidental meeting.

Terrific(!)
I was flying from New York.

Landed in the rain about midnight.

No cabs. My lucky night.

This taxi just showed up
outta nowhere.

The driver started to take me home.

(SIGHS) Not my lucky night.
The cab broke down in the rain.
Something in the engine.

I got soaked holding the flashlight.

Then his radio
wasn't working either.

He went to a house, rang the bell...

..to use the phone.
It turns out it was Brian's house.

Brian followed him back,

invited me in, just to dry off.

Two fellow actors,...

..and we found out we were
going to work on the same picture.

Your picture.

We talked for hours.

And then in the morning...

..he took me home.

That's how we met.

How's that for coincidence?

Do you know who the cab driver was,
Alex?

He was your little bit-player
friend, Phil Crossette.

Good actor - did his job well.
Did you use another actor to make
sure Brian would be home?

What's that supposed to mean?
It means that you're
the lousiest there is.

Ruthie... Hey, Ruthie, forget it!

Forget it, whatever happened that
night. Whatever you think happened.
We want each other now.

You set us up! Alex the director.
Alex the master manipulator.

You make your little puppets
dance the dance of love.

You freeze me out and then
you juggle me a new lover?

So what? Everybody got
what they wanted. Brian wanted you.
You wanted to punish me.

And your love scenes with Brian were
excellent, and that's what I wanted.

That's all I wanted.
So, who suffered, Ruthie?

What got lost?
Go to hell, Alex.

(GASPS)

Excuse me.
Miss Jernigan?

Mr Brady?!

Mr Brady, sir?!

Yes?!

Excuse me stopping by your house
like this, Mr Brady, but, er,

I've got some more news.
Miss Jernigan, she was just leaving.

She seemed very upset, sir.
She's upset.

I'm upset.

Do we have to do this now,
Lieutenant? Ordinarily
I wouldn't even trouble you,

but I've got some very encouraging
news. The Albany police, sir,

they traced Mr Fisher's place
of employment. A men's wear store.

It seems he told them he needed
a day off for some dental work.

That's the day he died here, in LA.

Er...

Now, sir,
I'm expecting two acquaintances.

They're coming in a second car.
Just let me see
if they got the right house.

Oh!

I brought you a candy bar,
I know you've got a sweet tooth.

How did he get here?
You mean Mr Fisher?!

By plane, sir!

He arrived that morning!
We traced the return ticket, sir!

The return - !

Right in here, fellas!
Into the house!

Down the stairs!

We're in the living room!

Oh, where was I?

Er, Len had arrived that morning
and you traced his return ticket.
To go back at 11 o'clock that night.

You mean, he only planned
on being here for the one day?

Just a day, sir, I'm sure of it.

I checked that ticket twice.

In that morning, out that night.

All in one day. Er,...

..Mr Sewell, Mr Kardarsian,...

..Mr Alex Brady.
Good evening.

How do you do? Er, how do you do?
Strange, isn't it strange?

His coming here for just one day.
Yes. Strange he didn't call me.

You never heard from him? No,
I told you. Not for three years.

Right. You told me.

Archie...

Er,... Mr Sewell,... he's a new
detective. He's working his way up.

Tell Mr Brady here where you first
encountered Mr Kardarsian.

On Century Boulevard.

Not at the airport? No.
Well, I thought it was at
the airport? Century Boulevard.

That's where you first showed him
Mr Fisher's picture? Yes, sir. And
he recognised him. The cab driver.

From Iran.
Yes, sir.

I hope things are going well for you,
sir. Thank you.

Now, you recognise this man
and you remember picking him up
at the airport. Yes.

Now, Mr Brady,
you're not gonna believe this.

Do you know where Mr Kardarsian
took Mr Fisher? Lieutenant,
I couldn't possibly know.

Look, just come out and tell me
what you wanna tell me.

He took him to the studio, sir.
To your very own studio.

The studio. I didn't let him off
at the studio.

I took him to the tour centre. You
mentioned that. That's my mistake.

The tour centre. The tour centre.

Where the visitors come
to take the tour.

Yes. I know.
The tour centre, Lieutenant.

What was Len doing
at the tour centre?

Strange, isn't it? Hard to believe
a man would fly all the way
from Albany, New York,

just to see the studio,
then fly right back home again.

Can you think of any reason - ?
(SHOUTS) No!

No.

No... No, it's baffling.
It is... all very puzzling.

OK.

Er, Mr Sewell, Mr Kardarsian, we've
taken enough of Mr Brady's time.

Don't both to see us out, sir.

I know it looks like the tour ends
at the tour centre, but we've come
a long way.

Don't give up on me yet.

Good night, sir.
Good night, sir. Nice to meet you.

Sweet dreams!

What a house.
Very nice house.

Did I tell you he's a director?
A director? He's a great director.

( ALL CONTINUE MUTTERING)

(PHONE RINGS)

(SIGHS) Hello. Phil Crossette.

"Phil, this is Alex."

I got another private job for you.
"What kind of part you got in mind
this time, maestro?"

Drop by the office in the morning.

What is it with this costume? Always
the bridesmaid, never the bride.

How's your salad?
It's great.

A lot of vegetables for a change.
How's yours?
I think I should have gotten yours.

Excuse me, ma'am. Could you pass the
salt? Pacific delight. Delightful.

Er, excuse me. It's supposed to be
shrimp. The mustard.
A little shrimpie shrimp.

They hide 'em in the dressing.
No kidding. Yeah. Er...

You got a hon.
Ahoy.

The ketchup.
Oh, there's another one.

I think I'm gonna become vegetarian.
I'm tired of eating meat. Oh,
did you see the paper today? No.

I overslept.
Ladies,...

What a story! ..would you ladies
like to change places?

Right.

Thanks.

They found this dead guy
on the beach. Len Fisher.

That name sounds familiar.

He used to live in LA.
I used to go with him.

You're kidding. You must feel awful.
Worse.

Out of nowhere I got this phone call
from him. I don't even know
how he got my number.

What did he want?
Wait till you hear this.

He says he's up at the tour centre.
He's waiting for this guy that never
showed up. He sounds all panicky.

Wait till you hear why. He says
he has to score a load of... coke
to take back to Albany.

He said that? Mmm-hmm.
Coke? Out of nowhere?

Men... Then he asked me
if I knew anybody with coke.

(SIGHS)
I hung up on him. Oh, Gosh...

We're late again.

The assistant will have a fit.

Er, waitress?

Er...
Excuse me. Sorry.

Excuse me, ladies. Excuse me!

Lieutenant Columbo. I'm with the
police. I couldn't help overhearing -
Are you an actor?

No. I'm with homicide.

All I need is another pickup from
an out-of-work actor! This is not a
pickup. Are you bothering them, pal?

I'm with the police. We got a whole
prop department full of this stuff.

I am really with the police. I don't
think they wanna be bothered.
Call a casting director to talk to.

Mr Brady! Mr Brady, sir!

Lieutenant Columbo!
Yes, Lieutenant. What is it?

I just wanted to say goodbye
for now, sir. Bring me down, fellas.

Are you leaving us, Lieutenant?

Well, the case, sir, has taken
a whole new turn. I have to spend
some time with the narcotics boys.

We won't be seeing each other
for a while. You've got me convinced
there's too much reality.

Excuse me, sir? You've got me
convinced that a real detective
doesn't belong in the movies.

Well, maybe we can talk
about that again. Goodbye, sir.

Goodbye, Lieutenant.

Goodbye, Lieutenant!

Thank you.

(SIGHS) Well, Rose,...

where do we begin?
I didn't know we were
beginning anything except these.

Maybe it's an ending, then,...

..for me and you.

It's time to start thinking about
another job, Rose. Oh.

You mean, a new secretary.
Whatever.

Old Rose, young Alex.

Rose too old for Alex,
Alex to young for Rose.

Excuse me.

There we are.

I think there's something
you ought to know about me, Alex.

I'm still going to enjoy my lunch.

Alex, did you remember to tell
that nice Lieutenant Columbo
about your call from Len Fisher?

What difference does that make?
I thought I heard you telling him
you hadn't heard from Len Fisher,

not for three years.
But Mr Fisher called the other day
and you picked up the call.

And no-one was there.
Remember, Alex? No. Thank you.

That's not a very interesting
subject, Rose. Why bring that up?

I remembered his name, Len Fisher.

My mother's maiden name was Fisher.

Try your salmon, Alex,
it's very good.

I was checking the old phone sheets
yesterday. One page was missing.

For the day Mr Fisher called.
Did you know it was missing, Alex?

No.

But if it was missing, I'm sure that
you just threw it out by mistake.

You're talking about leaving?

You're talking about leaving?
Finding another job?

I don't want you to do that, Rosie.
Oh, I'd never leave you, Alex.

I was thinking about a long,...
paid vacation.

Maybe a cruise,
maybe around the world.

I've always dreamed
of something like that.
But then I'd come back to you.

What do you think?

Is something wrong with your salmon,
sir? No. Just take it away.

(SIGHS) I think you deserve a rest,
Rose. Huh!

My treat for being
a loyal secretary.

I'll have my travel agent
get in touch with you.

You really should have
tried the salmon, Alex.

Alex.

Maybe you have a minute to join me,
Alex.

Sure, Mr Marosco.

Excuse me.

You see, I'm playing hookie.
(CHUCKLES)

Me and Rita, we're spending the
afternoon with our grandchildren.

You deserve it, Mr Marosco. Oh?
Do I? Yeah... I deserved that answer
I got asking you for a favour.

My problem with the board.
I know, I know. I'm sorry.

I was a little uptight that day.
I must tell ya, Alex, you hurt me.
I can make it up to you.

No... I think I can get that picture
ready for Easter.

I made other arrangements.

And for you too, Alex.
I wanna discuss the picture
that you offered us.

What do you mean, "offered us"?
We have an agreement. No, no.
What we have is an understanding.

My understanding that you can
prepare the picture. You can take
six months, two years, a life time.

But the expenses will be authorised.
So you can play your ungrateful
games and perfect your illusions,

but you got my word,
in the end your picture... will be
the greatest illusion of all.

I'm gonna see to it,
it never gets made. Never.

Mr Marosco, you can't just -
Please... I'm already late
for my grandchildren.

Stan.

Stanley. Hi, Alex. Got a new effect
here. Haven't even seen it myself.

We're through with effects.
Lock up the stage. I thought -
I said, lock it up!

Where did this come from? From the
boys in Albany, sir. Your assistant
was kind enough to put it up.

Get out.

I hope you don't mind, sir.
Just a few more questions.

The Albany police boys
have been some terrific help.

They sent me an inventory
of everything that Mr Fisher
was involved in.

And when I saw that there was a roll
of 16mm film amongst some groceries,

well, because of my new interest
in film, I sent for it, Mr Brady.

It's just this tiny reel, sir.

But I haven't made it like this
for your screen. Do you see
the screen, sir?

And what... do you
make of my screen, Lieutenant.

Well, when I compare it
to the newspaper clippings, sir,
I see Mr Fisher's sister

and I see the motorcycle accident,
and I see you there too, sir.

So the accident happened
while you were filming.

And you ran away and left her to die.

At least,
that's what the film tells me.

Did Mr Fisher
ever show you this film?

I told you, I haven't - !
Do you mind...? Not at all, sir.

You seem to have taken over
my stage, Lieutenant.

Invite me to the first day
of shooting. Could Mr Fisher
have threatened you in any way, sir?

Because he was upset over the way
his sister really died?

Become hostile? Something like that?

Self-protection - that's certainly
a very good motive for murder.

Remember, I haven't seen or talked
to Lenny for three years.

Are you suggesting
that I killed him?
All I'm considering is the motive.

Then, if that's all, I have a few
problems of my own to take care of.
Oh, there's more, sir.

For instance, there's... this.

Your weather report, Mr Brady,
the one your secretary gets you.

That's for the night
Mr Fisher was electrocuted.

You see the prediction for rain, sir?
I see the prediction for rain.

That was the night you ordered
Brownstone to be washed down.

You wanted to see it wet. And I had
to ask myself, why you did that

and got charged for it, and all,
when you knew it was gonna rain.

Can you help me with that, Mr Brady?

I'm an impatient man, Lieutenant.
A rain prediction doesn't guarantee
a wet street. A water truck does.

Well, that certainly
explains the truck. (SIGHS)

But then there's Mr Fisher's shoes.

Over by the light, sir.

You remember his shoe, sir?

The one with the missing heel?

It's the heel I found
on your Brownstone Street.

The street you made sure
was nice and wet.

That would be a very dangerous place
to stand if someone was gripping
onto something with high voltage.

You see the burn, sir?

The lab boys say it's a perfect fit.

Do you believe that's where
Len was killed, Lieutenant?

On the Brownstone Street?

I think it's a possibility, sir.

And then there's this book.

Your college yearbook.

One of the books in your boys' club.
I took the liberty, sir.

Those are my bookmarks.

That'll be your college picture
with Len Fisher, and I guess
that's Buddie Coates.

And here, the class before yours,
is a picture of Mr Fisher's sister,
Jenny.

The one that died in the accident.

Is,... is there a point to all this,
Lieutenant?

I guess it has to do with the way
people treat a book. Some people,
they turn down the corners of a page

and some people, they use a bookmark.

My own mother, she would chop
my hands off if she ever saw me
turning down the corners of a book,

so I use a bookmark like these, sir.

What do you use? I must confess
I'm a corner turner, Lieutenant.

Is there a penalty for that? Well,
whichever way it becomes a habit.

And whoever used this book last,...

..maybe just to look from picture
to picture, reminisce
about happier times,

he used a bookmark.

I found this
in your copy of the book...

..on the same page
as the photograph of Jenny Fisher.

Maybe you could see it better
over here. Would you turn up
the light, sir?

I think the lab boys, I think they
put this on the same piece of film.

You see the date and the time, sir?

The day Mr Fisher died.

And the time...
Twelve minutes after three o'clock.

Just two minutes
after Mr Kardarsian delivered
Mr Fisher to the tour centre.

So we could say that was
Mr Fisher's ticket, sir,

to the studio tour.

And we found the ticket
in your yearbook.

A bookmark.

So Len Fisher
had to be in your boys' club

on the day he died.

The day of the night
you murdered him...

..by electrocution
on the Brownstone Street,

I'd say by that iron gate, sir,

near where I found the heel.

Do you really think...

..some under-paid policeman...

..is going to arrest me...

..with all that
circumstantial claptrap?

Oh, I almost forgot, sir,
Miss Walker, your secretary,

she's been very helpful.

She helped us with that little scene
in the restaurant today, where you
tried to bribe her with a holiday.

I'd say
that was an admission of guilt.

Her testimony is going to be
very damaging.

I wouldn't count on it, Lieutenant.

Whatever Rose told you, in the end,
it'll be her word against mine.

Well, not exactly, sir.

We do have witnesses.

You see, that little scene
in the restaurant,...

..that was what you might call...
staged, sir,

like your own little manipulations.

Like the taxi driver
that drove Ms Jernigan that night.

Or the two lady extras that were
in the studio commissary yesterday
when I was having lunch.

They were very good, sir.

But one of 'em was a nurse

and there were no hospital scenes
shooting at the studio.

And the other was a bridesmaid,
and there were no wedding scenes
shooting either.

So I have think that they were
your actors, Mr Brady,

trying to fool me.

Maybe you would like to see
our own actors.

Our witnesses at the restaurant, sir!

Mr Wagner. Sir!

You remember the bus boy.

The part of the bus boy played by
Detective Sergeant Lewis Rodriguez...

Another witness, sir.
Your luncheon waitress,

a role beautifully performed
by Detective Sergeant Bannington.

Next, witness, Mr Brady.
Your very own cocktail waitress.

A little hand
for your favourite actress,

the popular Ruth Jernigan.

And then there's me, sir,

playing my own part.
The only thing that's given me
any pleasure in this case, Mr Brady,

is charging you with murder.

And I must say, sir,

that's been a very great pleasure,
sir.

(APPLAUSE)

IMS Subtitles
CHRIS G ALLAN