Original subtitles

You OK, Alex? If I was any better, I'd be unbearable.

What we got, Stanley? Three-dimensional magic.

Show me. Lights, maestro.

Set? Yep. Hit it.

Ruthie?! She volunteered. Yeah.

She's a volunteering kind of girl.

OK, pan the projector.

(GROANS)

About 20 degrees off axis and there she goes.

I guess we're not ready to thrill the audience with Ruth Jernigan in holographic glorious 3-D.

Stan, go in there and look nice for me.

OK, now act for me, Stan. It's windy.

"It's cold. It's windy."

"There's a big storm coming."

Lightening! (SIGHS)

Good thing you're not an actor, Stan.

Alright, babes, that's enough. Thanks.

"And as we move around the corner, on our right you'll see our own house of magic,

where our directors truly make the impossible come true - the special effects building."

"We might pop in there later and continue this tour all the way to Mars."

"Oh, and coming out over there right on cue for us, that fella there is the master of special effects."

"That's the young man who's made more super hits than any director in Hollywood history - Alex Brady."

"Here he comes riding on his little cart. Hi, Alex!" (ALL) Hi, Alex!

"As we go round the corner we'll come to our Western town."

"Actually, it's more like six Western towns rolled into one..."

"(CLASSICAL MUSIC)"

Alex?

Alex!

Lenny.

Lenny! You come to town, you don't call, you don't let me know, huh?

How are ya? Oh, God...

Wait a minute. You did call. Two days ago my secretary said you were on the phone.

I picked it up. You weren't there. Are you playing tricks? I just wanted to see if you'd be here.

I guess I was a little nervous. What are you nervous about? Let me look at ya. You look great!

Took off a few. So, what are you doin' in town?

Are you still living in Albany? Oh, yeah. Still at the men's store.

(SIGHS) Oh, boy. You know, I figured you'd have an office like this.

This isn't my office. This is just a little goof-off place.

Talented Alex. Smart, smart Alex.

Stop. Still just one of the fellas.

The three of us goofin' around old LA.

You and me, and Buddy Coates.

So, what are you doin' in town? How long are you gonna be here for?

Well, just a day.

I ducked my job for the day. In this morning, out tonight. Quick trip.

I took that studio tour.

I sort of jumped ship when I saw ya.

Can I see it? Ah, that's nothin'. Just some special effects we're working on. Come over.

Look at that.

Hmm?

Er, poor Buddie's dead.

Buddie Coates? Mmm.

Wow.

It was last week. Hepatitis.

I'd see him once in a while.

Yeah, we were a hard-luck bunch, hmm? First my sister, Jenny,

then Buddie. Jenny was a long time ago. Not so long.

A year behind us in school, right?

Right after you had your good luck with Mr Marosco. He gave you your first job.

(Hey! Come on!)

We'll drink a soda to Buddie.

What was his favourite? Chocolate. Chocolate, right.

I got chocolate.

Can we drink to Jenny too?

Sure! Sure. Ice-cream sodas all around.

Sit down.

Do you remember how we were helping you with that little amateur film of yours?

You know, to finish it up. I was working at the market that Sunday,

keeping up the payments on my motorcycle. You wanted Jenny to ride it in the picture. She was scared.

I said, "No way." And we dropped the whole thing. And you and Buddie...

Your second cameraman. Remember how you got him hooked on film for a while? He shoulda stayed with it.

Yeah, well, there's you and Buddie,...

..and you're waiting for her to show up at the location,...

..but she never got there.

That accident with the cycle.

Yeah, she's bleeding to death until somebody... finds her.

Too late for the paramedics. She dies in the ambulance.

Come on. Come on, Lenny.

Don't lacerate yourself.

Lacerate? (SNORTS)

You, you, er, always knew just the right word.

To Buddie.

To Jenny.

On my last day with Buddie he gave me a package.

He asked me not to look at it

until he was no longer with us.

And it was, a...

..little reel of 16mm film.

Like you used to use.

So I had it made up bigger.

Into 35mm.

Kinda like you used to make.

So,... can we see it on that thing?

(Sure.)

Oh, yeah...

She got there, alright.

She got to you and to Buddie, and to your film.

There was no accident along the way. Your stunt went out of control.

She was bleeding to death and you...

..left her.

You just left her there. You didn't try to help.

You ran away and you left her to die.

Was that because of Mr Marosco? Were you afraid your wonderful new good luck might run out

if he ever found out what you did to her?

I choked on this, Alex.

Man,... I couldn't tell anyone. Not until I could face you.

(Lenny.) And I'm glad that you're such a terrific success.

I am. And I'm glad... you got everything you got.

Cos I'm gonna turn it into garbage.

I'll run that picture in every scandal sheet,

in every newspaper.

I'll see it. I'll see that film

on every TV news show until you choke on it too.

It isn't true, Lenny. No! And the cops! And the prosecutors!

Until you climb into your grave like it's one of your new fancy sports cars, Alex!

That's what I came here to tell you! Len, it isn't real!

I don't know what Buddie was doing.

When did he start playing tricks with film? What?

It's a fake! A phoney! Look.

It's all tricked out. Was he jealous because I made a life and he didn't?

Huh? Look at it, Len. Look.

You can, you can... It's... It's... You can see the matte line. It's not even real here.

It's not even one piece of film.

Any technician could read it. See the generational grain? I don't see it.

I'll show it to you. Give me the film. No! No! No! Hey.

Hey, Lenny, Lenny. Lenny...

Lenny, for God's sake, we were friends.

What is Buddie trying to do to us?

Hmm? Look, sit down.

Relax. Do you...?

Do you really think I could have done this to Jenny?

Hmm?

I'll tell you what.

Give me a few hours. You wait here for me.

I gotta go get some other equipment together, other experts. Then I'll show ya it's a fake.

Then you'll understand whatever it is to understand about poor Buddie.

Just, just, just give me a few hours.

Alright, Alex. I'm keeping the film. Fine.

Fine. Fine. I got a plane at 11:00, OK? I gotta be in the store tomorrow.

I will put you on that plane myself, I promise. And you'll give me a hug goodbye.

In the meantime, just make yourself comfortable. Everything you need is here.

Hey, Lenny, Lenny, trust me.

Hello, Rose, you're fired. Excuse me, Alex?

I said it's time to go home, Rose. Thanks for a great day. Say it again. Why? I like to hear it.

Mr Marosco called you twice. He's anxious to talk with you. Tell him tomorrow. I have no time now.

What's this call here? Oh, he's that nice production manager you used to work with. "The Professor".

Rose,... couldn't you have told him something else?

Should I have told him he's too old, Alex?

Hey, give me a break. Alex.

Ruth Jernigan is waiting for you.

How long?

Not long. Ten minutes.

And Phil Crossette is here.

Oh, Phil.

I won't keep you long, Mr Brady. That little job I did for you, everything work out alright? Yeah.

Was the performance OK? The performance was very good.

On the next picture, I'll show my appreciation. No part is too small.

Anything I can do to help you out... Alright.

Thank you, huh? Good night. Good night, Phil.

I've been posing here for you.

You wanna try for laughs?

Try a little kick with your upstage foot.

How's that for laughs?

I could use a lot of that, Ruthie. You used to use a lot of that.

Before I went to work as your leading lady.

And while you were working I seem to have heard something

how you went and got yourself a new boyfriend.

Just a couple of playful actors,

and right on my very own picture. Maybe the movie was our trouble, Herr Doctor Director(!)

I seem to have slipped your mind. Just your actress while you made your very own picture.

Can I confess? Even murderers are allowed to confess. I've gotta do something about you and me.

Now? Now? I've got other things to think about.

Well, just let me in when you can.

"Exit, pursued by a bear."

Shakespeare wrote that.

Davey, this is Alex Brady. I need a wet-down on Brownstone.

In about an hour.

I'm not running a debate here, Davey. Just find your man and do it.

Thanks for waiting. What was I gonna do? Go dancing?

You got the film?

Good.

Come on. They're waiting for us. We've just got one stop to make.

I don't believe this, Alex.

I know. You will.

Brownstone Street.

What for? Why'd you bring me here?

To see the street.

THIS is where we make movies.

Shadows on the handy-dandy screen.

This... is where we kid you

with illusions.

THIS is where we blow your reality, Lenny.

This is where I kill you, Lenny.

Hey...!

Come on... We could never hurt each other...

You and me.

The film...

It's the truth, isn't it?

What the hell do you know about the truth?

What's shadow?

What's substance?

They teach you about that in men's store, Lenny?

You're crazy. Better run, Lenny. Escape, escape.

You know, Lenny, that film... You hurt me, old friend.

You hurt an old friend. And that hurts me...

..right here.

Hey...! It's all an act!

Don't you know an act? I'm acting for you!

Here we go, Len. (GASPS) Illusion all the way.

Into the maelstrom.

Into the Valley of Death rode the 600. It's all fake, Len.

No valley, no gallant 600.

Death...

..is the only part that's real.

Who's the real illusion, Len? You or me?

Which one of us is going to die?

Argh!

(FRIZZING CONTINUES) Argh...

(THUNDER)

Everything OK, Alex? Everything's peachie-keen. Good night, Scottie.

Good night, sir.

(THUNDER CONTINUES)

(RATTLING)

(TRAIN HOOTER)

Excuse me! Excuse me!

I'm sorry. I guess one of us must be in the wrong place.

Oh, that'll be me, Mr Brady. I certainly know who you are.

I'm sorry, but in this whole studio, this whole wonderful place,

this was the treasure that caught my eye.

This certainly is a beauty. I'm with the police, sir.

Er, Lieutenant Columbo.

Homicide.

Miss Walker, your secretary, sir, told me to wait here while she tried to find you.

How did you know?

Know what, sir?

You... are the answer to a film maker's prayers!

(CHUCKLES) In my business,

the film business, we're always working with the same people, over and over.

We never, hardly ever, break out of our own self-centred little circle

to meet somebody wonderfully new. An authentic plumber,

a real chemist, or, praise God, a homicide lieutenant!

You know, it's funny, I've been thinking about making a detective movie. (CHUCKLES) You know,

I would like to take this straw

and stick it in your ear and extract everything you've ever thought or felt, or seen,

or even dreamed about your profession.

And I bless whatever it is that brought you here to me.

Oh, here, sit down, Lieutenant. Please, sit down.

I'm interested to hear anything you wanna tell me. Well,

that is as fine a greeting as I've ever received.

Mostly when a policeman shows up, people right away get all guarded and crazy,

but you, sir, you've made me feel very welcome.

What I came to see you about, sir, er, it's about an unidentified body on the beach,

what they call a "John Doe".

Er...

Do you mind if I stand, sir?

Sure, Lieutenant. Here, let me help. Why don't we try it over here?

So, what's with this John... Doe... at the beach?

Identity unknown, sir. An unidentified body found at the beach early this morning.

Try this for comfort. Try stretching out on it. It's a... water bed.

You know, I've never tried one of these.

My wife, that's Mrs Columbo, she tried to get me interested.

(LIGHT SPLOSHING)

Well? How do you like it?

Well, to tell you the truth, sir, it feels all swimmie. Makes me wonder what Mrs Columbo had in mind.

I know how strange it is, sir,

my coming to you about this John Doe,

but if you'll just bear with me.

You see, the victim's face, Mr Brady,

er,... I hate to say it right out like this, but he had no face,

like he was struck by a heavy blow,

like from a hammer.

And it's death by electrocution, sir. About your age.

Electrocuted by a very high voltage.

Oh, it blew out his whole nervous system.

Lightening. Well, I'm afraid not, sir, you see,

the weather boys say rain but no lightening. High-tension lines at the beach?

Oh, that certainly would help explain it, sir, but, er, no electricity near the body.

No electricity at all. This is... This is a really interesting bed.

And, er, I certainly enjoyed the experience.

And we can't even get any fingerprints. Hands all burnt,

like he was grabbing onto something when it happened. His pockets, empty.

All turned out and empty, sir.

So, you see, we've got a very real problem here.

How to identify him, sir. How to give him a name and a life.

Then, maybe we could deal with how he died.

Which brings me to you, sir.

And this.

The Films Of Alex Brady.

We found it near the body, on the road.

Maybe somebody dropped it. Or maybe it fell from the victim's pocket,

like, if somebody was tearing the body, like, from a car.

Or maybe it had nothing whatsoever to do with the murder.

So, you think it was a murder?

Well, I expect it was something like murder.

It would have been a very strange electrocution if the victim got up and turned his pockets out,

and then took himself to the beach and hit himself in the face.

If you get my drift, sir. (CHUCKLES) I get your drift, Lieutenant.

Well, what I don't understand is how I can help. I mean, there must be thousands of copies of that book.

I even have one myself.

See?

Well, it's not just the book, Mr Brady, it's what's inside this book.

Erm...

Inside the cover.

Over by the light, please?

It's... damp from the rain but you can still read it.

It's written in pencil.

It's the telephone number of the studio, with the area code. Do you see that, sir? Yeah.

Yes, I see that. And written under the studio number,

the telephone number of your office, Mr Brady.

Your direct-dial number if somebody wants to reach you without going through the switchboard. See it?

It's like somebody had found out your number, then written it here so that they could call you.

Yeah, that's... clear enough, Lieutenant. Did somebody call you?

You mean, somebody without a face, electrocuted, whose name we don't know?

Well, now you put it that way, it's not much of a question, is it?

Well, we wouldn't be doing our jobs if we didn't check out every detail.

Any kind of a strange call at all, sir,

maybe somebody you didn't even know. Yes.

Yes? Lots of calls from the unknown.

Books like that are mostly published for amateurs, Lieutenant.

Film buffs, people living their lives through some film maker they think they understand,

or who might even understand them. Some have a crazy idea for a movie,

others have even scratched down a script, but most of them are enthusiastically fantasising.

And they call. Where did I begin? How did I get started? How can they get started.

"Tell me the secret, show me the way." They're sweet or desperate, or sad, and they do call me

and everybody else in our line of work. I'm sorry, Lieutenant.

I guess I'm just no help. No help at all.

Well, sir, I can't say I'm surprised, and I'll be running along.

Good day, ma'am. You can almost reach out and touch her.

Would you like to? That's holographic film.

Guaranteed three-dimensional. But it's just a piece of film, sir.

Oh, Lieutenant...

You could say that about everything we do here.

But is the film real? Yes. But the images that are on - The images!

Are they any less real? No, no, Mr Brady.

You're gonna run circles around me if we go on like this.

I've taken enough of your time. I'll just say thank you very much

and I won't be troubling you again. No trouble at all, Lieutenant.

Take care.

(SIGHS)

Excuse me, sir. Just one more thing.

Were you serious about making a detective movie based on a character like me?

Are you gonna help me, Lieutenant?

Well, that's the problem, and don't get me wrong, I would be thrilled,...

..but... I gotta be honest with you, sir.

The kind of work I do, I don't think it's as interesting

as you think it is. It's just not exciting, Mr Brady.

It's not like in the movies. I mean, the things that I work with,

I don't think they would be interesting to an audience.

But if I'm wrong, you correct me.

But, for instance, er,...

..take these ice-cream soda glasses.

If I'm on a homicide case, sir, forgive me,

and I had to work with these glasses, well, then, I have to find these two glasses interesting.

But for your movie, you can't - I'm already interested, Lieutenant.

Well, then, I'd have to say that...

..you used all this recently. Two ice-cream soda glasses.

Straws, spoons...

I'd say chocolate, sir.

Chocolate syrup and vanilla ice cream.

What we used to call "a black and white".

And the way the cream has hardened around the rim, I'd say maybe this morning,

but you wouldn't use ice cream in the mornin', so I'd say maybe sometime...

..yesterday. So if I was going to try to make it even more interesting for you, sir,

I'd have to say the two of you were enjoying two black and white ice-cream sodas.

But not really enjoying them because one is hardly touched

and the other one is only half-finished. So you might have been interrupted.

Or maybe the two of you were very busy together.

Or maybe something upset the both of ya and you just left them there.

As to who that other person might have been...

I'd say it's probably a man. No lipstick marks.

And as for the rest, Mr Brady,

well, we would have to go to the fingerprints.

But I don't think we have to go that far, sir.

I told you you'd only be disappointed. Disappointed?

Are you kidding, Lieutenant? Why, that's not only interesting,

that is fascinating. Well, I think you're just being kind.

But I really have to run now, sir. I'll try not to keep you, Lieutenant.

Take care, now.

(GLASSES SMASH)

(DOOR OPENS)

Was I right, sir?

About the soda glasses?

Close enough, Lieutenant.

Ah...

Ma'am?

I'm standing here with a printout in my hand. I got charges in black and white.

Ma'am.

No chance, Cecil. He wouldn't order it without telling me.

He should've told me before he ordered it but he would've told me after.

I said he didn't tell me before!

Well, if you have to put something in your computer, I can't think of a better place to insert it!

Afternoon, Inspector.

Er, no, just a lieutenant. They don't have inspectors any more.

I wanted to thank you, ma'am. Mr Brady and I did find each other in his secret hangout. The boys' club.

The club for one boy. If you were an inspector, you could help me inspect this desk.

I'm looking for a ten ton water truck. On this desk? A note or something.

They say he ordered a water truck to water Brownstone Street

last night. Their wacko computer is charging our wacko computer

and that is some wacko system!

Why would he order a water truck? We don't even shoot for six months?

I'm sure I wouldn't know, ma'am. He's very young, Mr Brady, isn't he?

This whole damn business is very young, Inspector. Er, Lieutenant, ma'am.

When I was a young lieutenant, the inspectors...

Is this a weather report? Help yourself. Picture makers live and die by the weather.

I always like to check to see if I'm really gonna need my raincoat.

As I was saying, ma'am, when I was younger,

the inspectors, they all seemed very old.

When I was a young secretary, all the great directors and producers seemed very old.

Now that I'm an old secretary, they got very young - film children.

They know every foot of film, ever shot.

But they think the most important date in history is their birthday.

Is there anything more I can do for you? Oh,

well, I was just wondering, ma'am, all those fans of Mr Brady, those people who read his books on film,

when they call for him here, do you keep a list

of those phone calls? No. Just business and personal ones.

If we did, we'd need another computer instead of a clipboard.

Well, that would have been some job looking through all those names.

What am I talking about? I wouldn't even know what name I'd be looking for.

Well, thank you very much, Ms Walker.

Goodbye, Inspector.

Lieutenant, ma'am.

You're like an agent. You read upside down. What are you finding on my desk?

Secrets, Marosco. Just the secrets you keep from me.

I got a problem with the Board.

They're all over me about a hit for Easter.

They want your picture. Easter, not summer.

Aw, gee, no chance, Mr Marosco.

I can't do it that fast. It's not the Board asking, it's me.

We're not exactly strangers, Alex. I hope we respect each other.

Maybe more than respect. So, can we have it, can I have it by Easter?

When do they have to know?

I have to know today. I got a Board meeting.

Tell them I'm obstinate. Wacko. Like old Rosie said.

That way they can't do anything. Say, say you can't do anything with me.

We'll both be covered. Blame me.

What can they do? They can't lay a glove on you.

This... is for you.

You're a generous young man, Alex. Look, I gotta get back to work, Mr Marosco.

Hey, you know how to handle them, Boss. You always did.

Here's his belt, Lieutenant. Oh,... his belt.

Just an ordinary belt? Yes, ordinary.

Ordinary... belt.

When do I get to open my eyes? When I say so.

Oh, who was that man in your office last night?

What man? Oh, that guy. It's Phil Crossette.

Yeah, who is he? Just a friend of mine.

I think I've seen him before. Could be. He's an actor. A bit player. You might have seen him on the lot.

No, I think I've seen him someplace real.

What comes after Saturday?

Sunday.

OK, you can open your eyes.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, Alex.

Oh,... Ruthie.

So, you ever gonna find true love, Andy Hardy?

I thought I finally did.

Ouch. No fair.

So tell me about your actor.

Your actor.

Your movie.

And I was drowning. I was bored stiff waiting for you.

And I was wigwagging all over the place. "Help me. Hold me".

"Kiss me. Save me."

But you were too busy counting your, er,... sprocket holes.

The picture hadn't even started yet when I met Brian.

I met him by accident, my leading-man-to-be.

And then, erm,... we had a punishing love affair.

Who got punished?

It was supposed to be you.

Worked out it was me.

So, did you miss me?

I mean, on balance?

Yes.

How much?

How much do you want?

Just bat your eyelashes.

(SIGHS)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Perfect(!) (LAUGHS) Perfect(!)

(I'll be right back.)

It's been a splendid day, sir! It's been a terrific day.

Very good news.

I thought you might be interested in sharing it with me.

Lieutenant Columbo... Come on in.

Lieutenant, this is my friend Ruth Jernigan. Ruth, Lieutenant Columbo.

I've been hearing about you, Lieutenant. Well, I've certainly heard about you and your movies.

It's a very great pleasure. I'm not intruding? No. Not at all.

I'm sure you and Alex have important business.

Well, it is important, ma'am.

Remember me, kiddo.

(Bye.)

Night, Lieutenant.

So,... is our business important, Lieutenant?

I'll leave that up to you, Mr Brady. I brought you some good news.

Ah, about our John doe.

Well, he's not a John Doe any more.

We know exactly who he is.

In one day, Lieutenant?

I told ya, it's been a terrific day.

He was wearing... this.

(TRAIN HOOTER)

His belt?

His belt, sir.

What do you think about that?

You're thinking that's not a very interesting item to use in a movie.

But suppose I show you this, sir.

This folding on the inside of the belt.

(VELCRO RIPS)

Does that help give me your attention, sir?

You have my attention, Lieutenant. And the zipper's here underneath the flap.

Do you see that zipper?

That's what tells us this is a money belt.

People take trips.

And sometimes they hide money in a belt like this, in a secret compartment.

Are you interested in that? I mean, for something you might use in a movie.

We're not making a movie, Lieutenant. Why don't we stick to John Doe and his belt.

Would you just open the zipper, sir?

You see, there's a secret pocket there.

Why don't we see what's in the pocket?

That is, if you're still interested, sir.

Seems to be a traveller's cheque. That's exactly what it is.

The victim was a very careful man. He hid a traveller's cheque in his money belt.

A $100 traveller's cheque.

Can you see that, sir? And these numbers that are printed here,

would your audience find these numbers exciting, sir?

Because, to a detective, these numbers,...

..well, they're brilliant.

When I look at them I don't see numbers.

I see... a neon sign blinking a name and address,

because these special numbers, what they do is connect this cheque

to the buyer's name and address.

That's an absolute fact, sir. That's how we identified John Doe.

And who was it, Lieutenant? Who was who?

Oh, you mean the John Doe.

(MUTTERS)

Bare with me, sir.

Fisher. Leonard Fisher. That was his name. He lives in Albany.

At least, he did, until he was electrocuted.

Are you sure? Leonard Fisher?

Oh, very sure, sir. The Albany police people, they've been co-operative.

They even faxed us his driver's licence photo. Here.

I think it's here.

I know this man, Lieutenant. You do.

I don't understand.

I mean,... we, erm,

we grew up together. We loved each other.

I can't...

Lenny's was the body you found?

What a remarkable coincidence, sir.

You actually knew him?

Coincidence is what makes a story, Lieutenant.

Without coincidence life runs evenly like... a train on a track.

Coincidence is a train wreck.

Violence and suffering, and guilt.

Guilt, sir?

Lenny's sister, Jenny...

..was killed about ten years ago...

..in a freak accident.

She was on her way to meet me.

Me.

(SOBS SLIGHTLY) No me, no accident,

no dead Jenny...

And now Lenny too.

What was he doing in Los Angeles? Why didn't he call me?

When was the last time you saw him, sir?

(SOBS) About three years ago.

It was with another friend of ours, Buddie.

(Jenny's dead.)

Now Lenny's murdered.

(That leaves me.)

Erm...

I'm, er, I'm gonna have to...

..excuse myself, Lieutenant. If you don't mind. I'm afraid I'm not fit company.

I understand, sir.

It must be a terrible shock.

Is there anything else I can do? Well, there is something, sir.

Tell me. Maybe not, sir. Maybe some other time.

Not under these circumstances. They're my circumstances, Lieutenant, not yours! Go ahead.

Is it alright if I make myself an ice-cream soda?

Of course, Lieutenant.

Thank you, sir.

Good night, Lieutenant.

Good night, sir.

(WHISTLES)

(Stupid!)

(STRAW SLURPS)

Start it!

"Yo, Stanley!" Yo! "Where's the water truck?!"

Coming at a dead run, Alex!

What do you want? You want food?

You just ate. (DOG GROANS) Alright here.

Here's a bone.

That's your third one this mornin'.

Too many snacks.

Soon you're gonna be big like a dirigible.

You won't be able to fit in the car.

I'll be right back.

(DOG MOANS)

"Stanley! More wind, less fog!"

Mr Brady! "OK, yeah, move that more over to the right!"

Sir! "That's good!"

Mr Brady!

It's me! Lieutenant Columbo!

"I'm afraid I'm a bit busy right now up here, Lieutenant!"

I got the clippings!

"You got the what?" Clippings, sir! Newspaper clippings!

"I'll be right down, Lieutenant." Just take your time. I'll wait here.

I don't wanna interfere. I know you're busy.

What clippings, Lieutenant? At the office. Just part of my investigation.

All the clippings from that motorcycle incident with Mr Fisher's sister. You and Buddie Coates,

you had no reason to feel guilty.

I just had to say that, sir.

It makes me feel better, Mr Brady. Kill the smoke, Frank!

That accident was all the motorcycle. You had nothing to do with it. It would have been different if she was

working on your film, but she wasn't, so there's no reason for guilt.

Could I sit here?

I mean, when you go back up? Your work is so interesting, sir.

As you said before, I'm sure my work isn't as interesting as yours.

Just a few minutes. It's sort of like turnabout. Your work for my work.

I'd be very quiet.

Alright, Lieutenant. Hop on up. I really appreciate this, sir.

Thank you very much. Buckle up. OK, haul me up, fellas.

This is called a Titan crane, Lieutenant. Don't feel you have to talk. Just concentrate on your work.

Does the height bother you?

Oh, no, no. Hardly at all.

I don't hardly mind.

We're just having a look at this for about 20 seconds in a dream sequence.

Wind whipping around, the fog, slick, wet streets.

"Arm us left, fellas!"

It'll look very real in its own way.

Film makes its own reality.

"Arm us to the right! Down and right!"

I'm not sure whether we'll shoot this day or night though.

"No. Back up to the left, fellas! Back up to the left!"

Is that why you ordered the water truck the other night, sir? To, er, wet down the streets?

Your secretary was very upset about that, your forgetting to tell her.

Well, Rosie gets upset about paperclips these days, Lieutenant. We all make allowances for age.

"Down and right!"

(VOICE MUTED)

I gotta get back to my stage, Lieutenant. I'm glad you enjoyed the ride. Oh, I think I did, sir.

( BANGING)

Awful dead in there, Stan!

Let me try somethin'.

That any better, Alex?

Not bad. Got any sand? For sand I need a bigger wind machine.

OK, strike the window. You got it.

Mr Brady? Sir?

What are you doing in my desert, Lieutenant?

I was looking for you, sir. I think I came in the wrong way.

"(LASER BLASTS HOWL)" (GASPS)

(CHUCKLES) That was great, sir.

Oh! It's a good thing I wore my raincoat.

I think you better get me outta here, sir.

Stanley, why don't you help down Lieutenant Columbo? He seems to be a bit lost.

I got it. Thanks. Will you be alright for a while?

Sure. Go ahead, Stanley.

That was a very eerie feeling, sir. For a moment there... I didn't know where I was any more.

Where were you when you knew where you were, Lieutenant?

I was in the middle of my work, thinking about your friend, Len Fisher.

He being here in LA, and all, can you think of any reason

why he wouldn't get in touch with ya? No, I can't.

It's funny. I've been troubled by that myself.

Could he have been angry with you about something, sir?

How would I know, Lieutenant? Right. How would you know about it if you hadn't seen him or spoken to him?

You'll excuse all the questions, sir. Asking questions, listen and ask - that's all we've got to work with.

It's really not an interesting line of work. Not nearly as fascinating as yours.

Oh,... I don't know. A moment ago you were lost in the shadows.

Shadows on the screen.

Light and shadow. Shadow and light.

That's all we have to work with.

For instance,...

..what is that over there?

That looks like a big black picket fence.

Right... And what about that up there?

Yo! Wagner!

A spotlight, Mr Brady? (A spotlight.)

Now let's see what happens when we mix the light with the fence.

Wagner!

Light! And shadow, Lieutenant.

Am I trapped behind the fence?

Or are you? Or are we trapping each other?

Shall we?

Why don't we try to escape from all this? It should be easy to get out.

Not if we reverse the action. See? We're still left with each other.

Now our film's making its own reality. And there's no end to the fence.

We could always just back away from each other.

Back away and you lose your light. Without light you die.

Your picture dies and you've lost your murder case, Lieutenant.

You've left the world of your own reality, Lieutenant.

Now you're living in my world. Now you're living in my reality.

You've lost your substance. You're a shadow on my screen.

An illusion without reality, sir? But I think I'm very real.

What's real and what isn't? We do our tricks with smoke and mirrors.

The mirrors are real, so is the smoke.

But is the fence real, Lieutenant?

Oh... Oh, I'm pretty sure about that, sir.

Clouds of atomic particles fly through empty space pretending to be a fence,

and you call that reality?

As real as you are, Mr Brady. Right...

Now you understand.

I'm the substance and you're the shadow.

I created you, and I can destroy you.

I could vanish you with a word.

What word is that, sir?

Kill!

Remarkable, sir. Just an exercise.

Just an exercise... Sometimes I think that's the way my investigation is going, sir.

Well, mine was just theatrical tricks, Lieutenant.

Not in the same league as pursuing a murder case.

Now we're get back to the same problem, Mr Brady.

You wanna make a movie about a detective. Now, in this particular murder case

the victim's belt and the traveller's cheque - you might say that was interesting, even theatrical,

but now I'm thinkin' the shoes. It is evidence, sir.

Came off the victim's feet.

Well, you judge.

Could you find anything interesting here?

Would I find this interesting?

Just a shoe? Just a shoe.

Just by looking at it, I could tell it was a cheap shoe and it was made in Portugal,

but who cares?

Portugal. Right.

Here's another, sir.

No heel.

No heel. Not much but better than nothin'.

A missing... Portuguese... heel.

Well, it's not uninteresting, Lieutenant. And the question -

what happened to the missing heel?

Now, that question... Yes. Yes?

I see. That question might get the audience's attention. Do you agree?

Definitely. The audience would be right with us.

What made the heel come off? Could you discover that just by using your eyes?

What do you think?

I... don't know. Well, you can't.

You've also gotta touch it.

It's sticky.

Yes. Yes, it is.

It is sticky. Probably where the electricity came out.

The electricity blew off the heel!

But you already knew your victim was electrocuted.

So all these deductions of yours,

they don't really represent any real progress.

Oh, no... It's not like they help you solve your murder case. Oh, no.

That would really be exciting for both of us.

It'd have you on the edge of your seat.

Oh, sir, what you see, that's what you get.

OK. Well, that's the best I could do.

I know you're busy. I'll let you go about your work.

But don't give up on this case, Mr Brady. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

Maybe we'll make some real progress. Well, I'll keep my fingers crossed, Lieutenant.

Good day, sir. Good day.

(SIGHS)

Just a second, sir. You'll get a kick out of this.

I'm walking around Brownstone Street. Naturally, I got heels on my mind.

"A shoe without a heel." "How did the heel come off?"

"Heel this." "Heel that." Then I stepped on something.

Here. You won't believe this, sir.

Oh. Here.

It was a heel.

Now that's what I'm gonna tell the wife. Back to work, sir. See ya soon.

From my bed...

..on a clear dawn... you can see Catalina. I know.

Uh-huh.

Can I show you?

It's not dawn yet.

It will be.

Your friend,... Phil Crossette...

That man in your office the other day.

I remember where I saw him before. Is that important?

I think so.

But first I... want to tell you how I met Brian.

I want you to know about our accidental meeting.

Terrific(!) I was flying from New York.

Landed in the rain about midnight.

No cabs. My lucky night.

This taxi just showed up outta nowhere.

The driver started to take me home.

(SIGHS) Not my lucky night. The cab broke down in the rain. Something in the engine.

I got soaked holding the flashlight.

Then his radio wasn't working either.

He went to a house, rang the bell...

..to use the phone. It turns out it was Brian's house.

Brian followed him back,

invited me in, just to dry off.

Two fellow actors,...

..and we found out we were going to work on the same picture.

Your picture.

We talked for hours.

And then in the morning...

..he took me home.

That's how we met.

How's that for coincidence?

Do you know who the cab driver was, Alex?

He was your little bit-player friend, Phil Crossette.

Good actor - did his job well. Did you use another actor to make sure Brian would be home?

What's that supposed to mean? It means that you're the lousiest there is.

Ruthie... Hey, Ruthie, forget it!

Forget it, whatever happened that night. Whatever you think happened. We want each other now.

You set us up! Alex the director. Alex the master manipulator.

You make your little puppets dance the dance of love.

You freeze me out and then you juggle me a new lover?

So what? Everybody got what they wanted. Brian wanted you. You wanted to punish me.

And your love scenes with Brian were excellent, and that's what I wanted.

That's all I wanted. So, who suffered, Ruthie?

What got lost? Go to hell, Alex.

(GASPS)

Excuse me. Miss Jernigan?

Mr Brady?!

Mr Brady, sir?!

Yes?!

Excuse me stopping by your house like this, Mr Brady, but, er,

I've got some more news. Miss Jernigan, she was just leaving.

She seemed very upset, sir. She's upset.

I'm upset.

Do we have to do this now, Lieutenant? Ordinarily I wouldn't even trouble you,

but I've got some very encouraging news. The Albany police, sir,

they traced Mr Fisher's place of employment. A men's wear store.

It seems he told them he needed a day off for some dental work.

That's the day he died here, in LA.

Er...

Now, sir, I'm expecting two acquaintances.

They're coming in a second car. Just let me see if they got the right house.

Oh!

I brought you a candy bar, I know you've got a sweet tooth.

How did he get here? You mean Mr Fisher?!

By plane, sir!

He arrived that morning! We traced the return ticket, sir!

The return - !

Right in here, fellas! Into the house!

Down the stairs!

We're in the living room!

Oh, where was I?

Er, Len had arrived that morning and you traced his return ticket. To go back at 11 o'clock that night.

You mean, he only planned on being here for the one day?

Just a day, sir, I'm sure of it.

I checked that ticket twice.

In that morning, out that night.

All in one day. Er,...

..Mr Sewell, Mr Kardarsian,...

..Mr Alex Brady. Good evening.

How do you do? Er, how do you do? Strange, isn't it strange?

His coming here for just one day. Yes. Strange he didn't call me.

You never heard from him? No, I told you. Not for three years.

Right. You told me.

Archie...

Er,... Mr Sewell,... he's a new detective. He's working his way up.

Tell Mr Brady here where you first encountered Mr Kardarsian.

On Century Boulevard.

Not at the airport? No. Well, I thought it was at the airport? Century Boulevard.

That's where you first showed him Mr Fisher's picture? Yes, sir. And he recognised him. The cab driver.

From Iran. Yes, sir.

I hope things are going well for you, sir. Thank you.

Now, you recognise this man and you remember picking him up at the airport. Yes.

Now, Mr Brady, you're not gonna believe this.

Do you know where Mr Kardarsian took Mr Fisher? Lieutenant, I couldn't possibly know.

Look, just come out and tell me what you wanna tell me.

He took him to the studio, sir. To your very own studio.

The studio. I didn't let him off at the studio.

I took him to the tour centre. You mentioned that. That's my mistake.

The tour centre. The tour centre.

Where the visitors come to take the tour.

Yes. I know. The tour centre, Lieutenant.

What was Len doing at the tour centre?

Strange, isn't it? Hard to believe a man would fly all the way from Albany, New York,

just to see the studio, then fly right back home again.

Can you think of any reason - ? (SHOUTS) No!

No.

No... No, it's baffling. It is... all very puzzling.

OK.

Er, Mr Sewell, Mr Kardarsian, we've taken enough of Mr Brady's time.

Don't both to see us out, sir.

I know it looks like the tour ends at the tour centre, but we've come a long way.

Don't give up on me yet.

Good night, sir. Good night, sir. Nice to meet you.

Sweet dreams!

What a house. Very nice house.

Did I tell you he's a director? A director? He's a great director.

( ALL CONTINUE MUTTERING)

(PHONE RINGS)

(SIGHS) Hello. Phil Crossette.

"Phil, this is Alex."

I got another private job for you. "What kind of part you got in mind this time, maestro?"

Drop by the office in the morning.

What is it with this costume? Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

How's your salad? It's great.

A lot of vegetables for a change. How's yours? I think I should have gotten yours.

Excuse me, ma'am. Could you pass the salt? Pacific delight. Delightful.

Er, excuse me. It's supposed to be shrimp. The mustard. A little shrimpie shrimp.

They hide 'em in the dressing. No kidding. Yeah. Er...

You got a hon. Ahoy.

The ketchup. Oh, there's another one.

I think I'm gonna become vegetarian. I'm tired of eating meat. Oh, did you see the paper today? No.

I overslept. Ladies,...

What a story! ..would you ladies like to change places?

Right.

Thanks.

They found this dead guy on the beach. Len Fisher.

That name sounds familiar.

He used to live in LA. I used to go with him.

You're kidding. You must feel awful. Worse.

Out of nowhere I got this phone call from him. I don't even know how he got my number.

What did he want? Wait till you hear this.

He says he's up at the tour centre. He's waiting for this guy that never showed up. He sounds all panicky.

Wait till you hear why. He says he has to score a load of... coke to take back to Albany.

He said that? Mmm-hmm. Coke? Out of nowhere?

Men... Then he asked me if I knew anybody with coke.

(SIGHS) I hung up on him. Oh, Gosh...

We're late again.

The assistant will have a fit.

Er, waitress?

Er... Excuse me. Sorry.

Excuse me, ladies. Excuse me!

Lieutenant Columbo. I'm with the police. I couldn't help overhearing - Are you an actor?

No. I'm with homicide.

All I need is another pickup from an out-of-work actor! This is not a pickup. Are you bothering them, pal?

I'm with the police. We got a whole prop department full of this stuff.

I am really with the police. I don't think they wanna be bothered. Call a casting director to talk to.

Mr Brady! Mr Brady, sir!

Lieutenant Columbo! Yes, Lieutenant. What is it?

I just wanted to say goodbye for now, sir. Bring me down, fellas.

Are you leaving us, Lieutenant?

Well, the case, sir, has taken a whole new turn. I have to spend some time with the narcotics boys.

We won't be seeing each other for a while. You've got me convinced there's too much reality.

Excuse me, sir? You've got me convinced that a real detective doesn't belong in the movies.

Well, maybe we can talk about that again. Goodbye, sir.

Goodbye, Lieutenant.

Goodbye, Lieutenant!

Thank you.

(SIGHS) Well, Rose,...

where do we begin? I didn't know we were beginning anything except these.

Maybe it's an ending, then,...

..for me and you.

It's time to start thinking about another job, Rose. Oh.

You mean, a new secretary. Whatever.

Old Rose, young Alex.

Rose too old for Alex, Alex to young for Rose.

Excuse me.

There we are.

I think there's something you ought to know about me, Alex.

I'm still going to enjoy my lunch.

Alex, did you remember to tell that nice Lieutenant Columbo about your call from Len Fisher?

What difference does that make? I thought I heard you telling him you hadn't heard from Len Fisher,

not for three years. But Mr Fisher called the other day and you picked up the call.

And no-one was there. Remember, Alex? No. Thank you.

That's not a very interesting subject, Rose. Why bring that up?

I remembered his name, Len Fisher.

My mother's maiden name was Fisher.

Try your salmon, Alex, it's very good.

I was checking the old phone sheets yesterday. One page was missing.

For the day Mr Fisher called. Did you know it was missing, Alex?

No.

But if it was missing, I'm sure that you just threw it out by mistake.

You're talking about leaving?

You're talking about leaving? Finding another job?

I don't want you to do that, Rosie. Oh, I'd never leave you, Alex.

I was thinking about a long,... paid vacation.

Maybe a cruise, maybe around the world.

I've always dreamed of something like that. But then I'd come back to you.

What do you think?

Is something wrong with your salmon, sir? No. Just take it away.

(SIGHS) I think you deserve a rest, Rose. Huh!

My treat for being a loyal secretary.

I'll have my travel agent get in touch with you.

You really should have tried the salmon, Alex.

Alex.

Maybe you have a minute to join me, Alex.

Sure, Mr Marosco.

Excuse me.

You see, I'm playing hookie. (CHUCKLES)

Me and Rita, we're spending the afternoon with our grandchildren.

You deserve it, Mr Marosco. Oh? Do I? Yeah... I deserved that answer I got asking you for a favour.

My problem with the board. I know, I know. I'm sorry.

I was a little uptight that day. I must tell ya, Alex, you hurt me. I can make it up to you.

No... I think I can get that picture ready for Easter.

I made other arrangements.

And for you too, Alex. I wanna discuss the picture that you offered us.

What do you mean, "offered us"? We have an agreement. No, no. What we have is an understanding.

My understanding that you can prepare the picture. You can take six months, two years, a life time.

But the expenses will be authorised. So you can play your ungrateful games and perfect your illusions,

but you got my word, in the end your picture... will be the greatest illusion of all.

I'm gonna see to it, it never gets made. Never.

Mr Marosco, you can't just - Please... I'm already late for my grandchildren.

Stan.

Stanley. Hi, Alex. Got a new effect here. Haven't even seen it myself.

We're through with effects. Lock up the stage. I thought - I said, lock it up!

Where did this come from? From the boys in Albany, sir. Your assistant was kind enough to put it up.

Get out.

I hope you don't mind, sir. Just a few more questions.

The Albany police boys have been some terrific help.

They sent me an inventory of everything that Mr Fisher was involved in.

And when I saw that there was a roll of 16mm film amongst some groceries,

well, because of my new interest in film, I sent for it, Mr Brady.

It's just this tiny reel, sir.

But I haven't made it like this for your screen. Do you see the screen, sir?

And what... do you make of my screen, Lieutenant.

Well, when I compare it to the newspaper clippings, sir, I see Mr Fisher's sister

and I see the motorcycle accident, and I see you there too, sir.

So the accident happened while you were filming.

And you ran away and left her to die.

At least, that's what the film tells me.

Did Mr Fisher ever show you this film?

I told you, I haven't - ! Do you mind...? Not at all, sir.

You seem to have taken over my stage, Lieutenant.

Invite me to the first day of shooting. Could Mr Fisher have threatened you in any way, sir?

Because he was upset over the way his sister really died?

Become hostile? Something like that?

Self-protection - that's certainly a very good motive for murder.

Remember, I haven't seen or talked to Lenny for three years.

Are you suggesting that I killed him? All I'm considering is the motive.

Then, if that's all, I have a few problems of my own to take care of. Oh, there's more, sir.

For instance, there's... this.

Your weather report, Mr Brady, the one your secretary gets you.

That's for the night Mr Fisher was electrocuted.

You see the prediction for rain, sir? I see the prediction for rain.

That was the night you ordered Brownstone to be washed down.

You wanted to see it wet. And I had to ask myself, why you did that

and got charged for it, and all, when you knew it was gonna rain.

Can you help me with that, Mr Brady?

I'm an impatient man, Lieutenant. A rain prediction doesn't guarantee a wet street. A water truck does.

Well, that certainly explains the truck. (SIGHS)

But then there's Mr Fisher's shoes.

Over by the light, sir.

You remember his shoe, sir?

The one with the missing heel?

It's the heel I found on your Brownstone Street.

The street you made sure was nice and wet.

That would be a very dangerous place to stand if someone was gripping onto something with high voltage.

You see the burn, sir?

The lab boys say it's a perfect fit.

Do you believe that's where Len was killed, Lieutenant?

On the Brownstone Street?

I think it's a possibility, sir.

And then there's this book.

Your college yearbook.

One of the books in your boys' club. I took the liberty, sir.

Those are my bookmarks.

That'll be your college picture with Len Fisher, and I guess that's Buddie Coates.

And here, the class before yours, is a picture of Mr Fisher's sister, Jenny.

The one that died in the accident.

Is,... is there a point to all this, Lieutenant?

I guess it has to do with the way people treat a book. Some people, they turn down the corners of a page

and some people, they use a bookmark.

My own mother, she would chop my hands off if she ever saw me turning down the corners of a book,

so I use a bookmark like these, sir.

What do you use? I must confess I'm a corner turner, Lieutenant.

Is there a penalty for that? Well, whichever way it becomes a habit.

And whoever used this book last,...

..maybe just to look from picture to picture, reminisce about happier times,

he used a bookmark.

I found this in your copy of the book...

..on the same page as the photograph of Jenny Fisher.

Maybe you could see it better over here. Would you turn up the light, sir?

I think the lab boys, I think they put this on the same piece of film.

You see the date and the time, sir?

The day Mr Fisher died.

And the time... Twelve minutes after three o'clock.

Just two minutes after Mr Kardarsian delivered Mr Fisher to the tour centre.

So we could say that was Mr Fisher's ticket, sir,

to the studio tour.

And we found the ticket in your yearbook.

A bookmark.

So Len Fisher had to be in your boys' club

on the day he died.

The day of the night you murdered him...

..by electrocution on the Brownstone Street,

I'd say by that iron gate, sir,

near where I found the heel.

Do you really think...

..some under-paid policeman...

..is going to arrest me...

..with all that circumstantial claptrap?

Oh, I almost forgot, sir, Miss Walker, your secretary,

she's been very helpful.

She helped us with that little scene in the restaurant today, where you tried to bribe her with a holiday.

I'd say that was an admission of guilt.

Her testimony is going to be very damaging.

I wouldn't count on it, Lieutenant.

Whatever Rose told you, in the end, it'll be her word against mine.

Well, not exactly, sir.

We do have witnesses.

You see, that little scene in the restaurant,...

..that was what you might call... staged, sir,

like your own little manipulations.

Like the taxi driver that drove Ms Jernigan that night.

Or the two lady extras that were in the studio commissary yesterday when I was having lunch.

They were very good, sir.

But one of 'em was a nurse

and there were no hospital scenes shooting at the studio.

And the other was a bridesmaid, and there were no wedding scenes shooting either.

So I have think that they were your actors, Mr Brady,

trying to fool me.

Maybe you would like to see our own actors.

Our witnesses at the restaurant, sir!

Mr Wagner. Sir!

You remember the bus boy.

The part of the bus boy played by Detective Sergeant Lewis Rodriguez...

Another witness, sir. Your luncheon waitress,

a role beautifully performed by Detective Sergeant Bannington.

Next, witness, Mr Brady. Your very own cocktail waitress.

A little hand for your favourite actress,

the popular Ruth Jernigan.

And then there's me, sir,

playing my own part. The only thing that's given me any pleasure in this case, Mr Brady,

is charging you with murder.

And I must say, sir,

that's been a very great pleasure, sir.

(APPLAUSE)

IMS Subtitles CHRIS G ALLAN