All language subtitles for Columbo.Murder.-.A.Self.Portrait.1989.1080p.MY5.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-None_track3_[eng]

(CHATTER / BARKING)

He's wonderful...

(GROWLS)

"Last call for the howling contest,
folks."

It's now or never
for the singing basset hounds.

(ALL HOWL)

(SAXOPHONE PLAYS)

(SINGS OPERATICALLY)

(PLAYS SOFTLY ON FLUTE)

"Most original basset hound costumes

are now being graded."

"Ladies and gentlemen,

the parade
of the hero basset hound owners..."

"Each and every owner in this event

rescued his or her dog
from the pound,

or took it in as a stray."

Come on.

"Let's hear it..."

Oh, yes.

Oh, thank you very much.

Hey! Hey, sweetheart.

(WHIMPERS)

Mine's named Kate Archibald.
This one, his name is Dog.

Excuse me?
He's a dog so we called him Dog.

Hell. Kate Archibald's won over
30 awards. How many has Dog won?

Including this one,
if you count 'em all up,

it comes out to one. One award.
Oh, really?

My dog, maybe he's not the most
beautiful dog in the world,

and there's
plenty of dogs a lot smarter,

but if they gave
an award for the loving department,

he would win the grand prize.

When it comes to loving, this dog,
he's the champ,

aren't you, sweetheart?
(GROWLS)

Are you OK?
(GROWLS STEADILY)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS)

Consider the nature
of a beautiful woman -

nose of a certain average shape,

the dimension between her eyes -
gloriously average,...

..distance from nose tip
to chin dimple - average perfection.

Now, if each feature, in every
respect, is exquisitely average,

then we call that woman beautiful.

Thus, the trick that nature plays
upon mankind and the artist

is to reveal the average
as breathtaking.

You understand, Julie?
My back hurts!

It's supposed to hurt.
I'm hungry.

Always.
And bored.

Forever bored.
I'm not bored in bed.

So I've noticed.
Tell me a story. Very well.

Once, there was a worthless slug,
she'd rather eat than sleep

and sleep than work,
so she was rather stupid.

Good. I like her.
Was she very beautiful?

Yes. Her face was very beautiful.
So was her body.

That's why this artist chose her
to be his model. Sit still, Julie.

Will she lead a long and happy life?
Long and miserable, I should think.

Do you love her, Max?
Of course.

For her body or her soul?

You have no detectable soul.

Enough of this.
Go to your room, Julie.

I have a wife to attend to.

Your first wife or your second wife?

It's all the same.

Good, Vanessa. Perfect, Vanessa.
Everything is in its place.

I want your house to please you,
Max. Does it please you?

Who am I to be pleased?
Every man lives in his wife's house.

You should be satisfied.
Well, I'm not.

Ah,

Mrs Max Barsini is dissatisfied.

A shocking state of affairs!

Tell me, what is it you need
to make your life complete?!

Everything.

Ah, Louise!
Good afternoon, my darling!

Afternoon, Max!

Afternoon, Vanessa!
Good afternoon, Louise.

Well, what seems to be the trouble?

You are adored, cherished...
(GIGGLES)

..appreciated, admired,

pretty as a picture, my wife.

Second wife.
That cannot be helped.

You're an investment broker.
We grow wealthier by the hour.

See how it all works out with you,

Louise, little Julie...

You all give richness to my life.
I'm blessed.

When will you be done with Julie?

The paintings or the friendship?
The paintings, of course.

They're due in New York next week.
Leon calls everyday.

In that case, only you can give
me the strength to continue.

Tell me you love me.
You know I do.

You're a remarkable woman.
I just adjust well.

Louise, I'm lonely!
Come and be a wife to me.

I'm only your first wife, Max.
Vanessa's your wife now.

I refuse to accept
this constant hair-splitting.

Tell me what you're thinking about.
Your dinner, Max.

Ah, everything in its place!

Thank you, Louise.
You're welcome, Max.

Are we alone, Max?

Honestly, come on, fill up my life.

What are you thinking about, Max?

Contentment.

Tonight, Max, your favourite.
Louise's bread...

Louise's salad.
Louise's surprise.

Cioppino!

Mmn.

And now we share
the pleasures of the table,

our happy little family.

Silence?

cioppino is never
to be taken in silence.

You should chatter
like delighted sparrows,...

..instead,
you stifle yourselves with thoughts.

I want you to love each other
as sisters, and I get is thoughts!

I see I'll have to set you a subject
like schoolgirls.

Very well, each of you is to tell us
how she feels about the other two.

I command it.

Julie,
tell us about Louise and Vanessa.

I like Louise. She's kind and wise.

I wish she had been my mother.
Oh!

And she knows how to make you happy.

I was Max's wife for many years.
You're still my wife.

And Vanessa?

She's cold to me. I want her to
like me, but I make her nervous.

She wants me out of here.
I thought we were past all that.

You're the one that'll want her out.
Louise told us about your models.

After a few months,
you can't stand the sight of them.

Vanessa, you were his model.
I was different.

I made myself indispensable,

more than paint on a canvas
or a girl in his bed.

I think Julie pretends
to be a simple-minded tart,

soaking up all your insults,
but she's just as ambitious as I was,

and that frightens me.

And Louise, she's a part
of your life you'll never give up,...

..and that frightens me, too.

I don't know where all this is going.
And so you sulk.

I don't sulk!
You're sulking now. I am not!

Louise, tell Vanessa she is sulking.

She's suffering, Max.
We all suffer a little.

Vanessa wanted to wear your name
like a tiara - Mrs Max Barsini.

Now she knows that if she asks for
more, she'll end up with nothing.

She didn't bargain for this.

Neither did I when you divorced me
and moved next door with Vanessa.

And our model?
As for Julie, she's so young,

she doesn't understand
what a monster you truly are.

So, it's all my doing, huh,
all the silent suffering?

Not at all. My darling Max,...
(LAUGHS WRYLY)

..we all wanted something from you,

in the end
I suppose we all get something,

even if it's just
a little attention from the master.

Still, I love you all.

I sacrifice myself
on the alter of your selfishness.

Come, child,
we have paintings to paint!

Leon orders it in New York,
Vanessa commands it.

The vixen paintings must
be completed.

To work, immediately.

He'll spend the night with her.

Well,
in that case, he won't miss me.

And I have other plans.

Good night, Vanessa.
Good night, Louise.

'Thank you, little one.
That will be all for tonight.'

Max, why do you
call them your vixen paintings?

To sell them. It makes a story
to go with the paint...

Infatuation and betrayal,
the vixen who blighted my life.

My paintings will make your fortune.

I'm really very nice!
Together we'll trick the world.

Good night, Louise.

Bloody hell!

Evening, Doctor.

Do we know each other?
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

I made it my business to know you,
Sidney Hammer.

Psychiatrist, I believe.
Psychologist.

Right. Psychologist.

I thought you'd finished running
barefoot through Louise's head.

You're Barsini.
Am I? Good for you, Sidney.

What's your business here? If I were
you, I'd discuss that with Louise.

Well, you're not me!

Nobody on God's earth is me.

I'm not even me!

Hello, pet.

(SIGHS)
I heard you bellowing out there.

Was I crass and cruel?

About average.

That psychiatrist of yours...
Psychologist.

The suitcases - his?

Mine.
Signifying what?

I love him, Max.
That feeble-minded bumble?

I'm going to live with him.

When?
I leave in a couple of days.

Well, you might
have told me something about it.

I planned to after the cioppino.
So that was our last cioppino!

(SIGHS) Oh, for heaven's sakes!

Well, you're a divorced woman.

You're free to do as you please.

Oh, no! No! (LAUGHS)
No, I've never been free to do that,

first as your wife then as your,...

..whatever
the hell we are to each other,

all of us, your women.

Lots of women.
I never lied to you about that.

No, never.

(SIGHS)
And I never had a will of my own,

or whatever it took
to resist your invading force,

all you whims and whiles.

I was ashamed to be so weak.

Really?
I thought submission suited you.

You're put together
differently than other men.

Your heart - most people have a left
ventricle, you have a jackhammer.

That's why I went to Sidney,
to find the strength to match yours,

make a fond farewell,
put out the lights and walk away.

You'll do that?

Oh, yes.

The spell's broken, Max.

I'm all grown up.

Look... It's steady. Not a tremor.

(LAUGHS QUIETLY) Easy as pie.

Rubbish! You belong to me.
I belong to me.

But not to him.
(SHUDDERS)

Louise...

Louise, don't leave me.

Poor Max!
I've been vanishing for months.

You never noticed.

Because you never loved me
in the first place! Didn't I?!

How many other women would've done
what I did when you did what you...?

What did I do, Louise?

We never talk about that. I made
myself believe it never happened.

We both...
believe it never happened.

And Sidney?

When he pokes around your head,

do you ever speak
about what has never happened?

No!

Louise,
when you swim in your secret place,

just by yourself,

do you wonder if you'll ever tell?
You're hurting me, Max.

Remember the pain, Louise.

Then remember the word "never".
Never!

Don't go with him, Louise.
Stay with me.

(SHUDDERS) Why?
you'll do to me what you did to...

Oh, I'm sorry, Max!

God, we're threatening one another.

We're saying things
that should never be said.

That's emotional...
Yes! ..partings.

Let's not say any more.

Sleep tight, Louise.

'Ah, Louise!
Good afternoon, my darling.'

'Afternoon, Max.'

'Never. Never!'

'Never.'

Thank you, gentlemen.
See ya, Vito.

See ya.

Psst! Huh?
Right there, the end of the bar.

Yeah?

Is that Barsini the artist?
Er, it seems...

Max Barsini?!
I think so.

They say he used
to live here a long time ago.

Lived, worked and drank.

Oh! I wonder if he'd mind
if I paid my respects.

I wouldn't.
Just to say hello. What could he do?

Smash you in the nose, break your
ribs, kick you in the groin.

He's a very private man.

Oh,.. who needs him?!

(MUTTERS)

Thank you, Vito.
Hey, after all these years, Max,

I haven't forgotten your ways.

I haven't forgotten your kindness
to a poor artist and his wife. Hey.

Our old home still up there?
Mmn...

See for yourself.
Er, Louise - is she well?

Very well. Business?
Magnificent.

Lousy? Lousy!
They don't come around any more.

They prefer their white wine with
their quiche and their high tech!

And I offered
a little gift of money...?

Make the place high tech.
To hell with them. Keep your money!

A painting then?
A genuine Barsini to say my thanks.

This place, Vito's place,

sell it, hang it from the wall,
whatever you like!

Let them come,
drink and marvel at the Barsini.

Y-You would do that for me?

My pleasure, Vito.
Oh! When? Now?

Well, these things take time.
Ah...

Many hours. Yeah!
Perhaps I'll begin tomorrow.

No audience. No customers.
No way!

The whole place closed.
None. Everything as you prefer.

Max, I already got you on the wall.
Look here.

Here you are with Louise
when you were living here.

Harry! Harry with the monocle!
Your first art dealer.

He was the real deal, that guy.
Fancy English.

(MIMICS) "I say there, would you
drink it down the hatch whole, boy?"

Then he'd drink himself senseless.
Do you remember?!

I remember, Vito!
(BOTH LAUGH / SIGH)

Whatever happened to him?
Who knows? Good luck, Harry.

I'll look upstairs.
Go see it, Max.

(CHATTER)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Max!

A moment!

Come in, Vanessa.

What are you working on?
The vixen paintings.

Can I see?
You know the rule...

Julie's gone into town?
Yes.

You look very nice. A new neglige?

I haven't forgotten how to pose.
I can take it off...

I'd be lost forever... The work
delayed, Leon shrieking in New York.

You'd never forgive me.
Try me.

Later.
Promise?

With all my heart.

Your perfume, it makes me drunk.

Let me hurry.
Soon.

A twinkling.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS)

You are going to begin?
Yes.

What shall I bring you, food?
Nothing! A drink?

I am about to try and produce a
painting out of this terrifying
nothingness.

Interrupt my labours once,
even to tell me the place is on fire

and I'll grind your guts and bones
into a new set of paints.

This, I promise as a loving friend.
Go!

Oh, God! Oh, God! Alright!

(LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)

Hello, Louise!

Can I join you?

No, Max!

Please. That was
no way to part the other night.

I knew I'd find you here...
Your secret place.

We'll swim together.

(SIGHS) It was an ugly night, Max.

You know
I'd never do anything to hurt you.

Come, pet, sit next to me.

Then we'll swim together
and separate as friends.

I'm glad.

Lean back, pet.

Close your eyes.

Hear what I have to tell you.

Don't look at me
or I'll lose my way. Mmn...

I acknowledge
that you're no longer my wife,...

..not even my divorced wife.

Go to Sidney in happiness.
I set you free.

Now I will tell you a lie...

You are no longer precious to me.

You are
no longer my chalice of memory.

(GASPS / CHOKES)

My pet. My Louise.

I love you, pet.

(GASPS)

(GASPING CEASES)

You will never hurt me, Louise.

Max...
(TAPS TENTATIVELY)

Max, I don't care. It's too much.
It's too long.

I'm Italian. I have to bring food!
Oh!

Vito!

You were warned.
Max, please....

What can I do? What can I do? I...

Lucky for you it's finished.
Oh!

What..? (STAMMERS / LAUGHS)

This is beautiful! Beautiful, Max.

It's beautiful!
Not so bad.

I think it came out suitably,
don't you?

(POLICE RADIO ACTIVITY)

Are you the one who found the body?
Yes, sir, over there.

That's... Louise.

Can you come with me, sir?
What?

You're going
to have to come with me.

The Lieutenant's down on the beach.
He'll want to talk to you.

Alright, it's nearly gone!

All gone!

Everybody can't have a free lunch.

Mr Barsini?

Yes.
Lieutenant Columbo. Homicide.

How do you do, sir?

I wish I could say this
under more pleasant circumstances,

but it's an honour to meet
a great painter such as yourself.

Painters do walls, Lieutenant.
Some people regard me as an artist.

Well, you certainly are that, sir.
The whole world knows that.

The lady on the beach, sir,
you've identified her as your wife?

She was my wife. Her car's up there.

And those are her things?
Yes.

Louise... This was
her favourite place to swim.

She came
here almost every afternoon.

Incredible.

Sometimes, I would join her.

Yesterday I spent the afternoon into
the evening with a friend painting.

A bar of all places!
I never even saw her yesterday.

Blaming yourself, sir,
that's not going to help anything.

Would you say that
Mrs Barsini was a strong swimmer?

Excellent. I don't see
how she could've drowned.

It happens, sir. Cramp, an undertow.
There's no telling.

Those are
the things we have to look into,

especially the contact lens...
Excuse me?

When I examined the body, sir -
that's something that we have to do.

She was wearing one contact lens.

Yes. Louise wore contact lenses.

Just one, sir? Well, obviously,
the other one was washed away.

That's what I told myself,
until I found this....

It was, er,
it was there in her beach bag.

I got it right here. Er...

Oh, maybe I left it in the bag.

Oh, no. Here it is.

This is one of those
double boxes for contact lenses.

And here, right here,...
there's the other lens, sir.

I don't understand.
Neither do I.

She was going to go out to the ocean,

and she took one lens out
but kept the other one in her eye.

Why would she do a thing like that?

A whim? Forgetfulness?
Maybe an interruption.

Anxiety to plunge into the sea?

The evidence boys will look around.
Don't worry, sir, it'll be explained.

If you'll just drive your wife's car,
I'll follow along.

There'll be a few more questions,
sir, if you don't mind. Not at all.

In a manner of speaking, Lieutenant,
we both enjoy the same talent.

I don't know how that could be, sir.

We both know how to see the world -
truly see.

The contact lenses, it's remarkable.
I'm just doing my job, sir.

I think you're going
a little far comparing me with you.

But it was nice of you to say so, and
I'm going to tell that to my wife.

Er, Mrs Barsini...
Max! Max!

I just heard! What a terrible thing!
I know, my pet. I know.

Oh, Max, I want you. I need you.

Mr Barsini...

Max! Max, I feel so bad!

You're my pet, and I love that.

I love you. I know that now.

Holy cow.

My darling,... we will walk.

Ma'am! Ma'am! Excuse me.

Ma'am, I'm Lieutenant Columbo.

I'm with the police... The drowning.

Yes, Lieutenant. I'm Mr Barsini.

You are?
That's a fact.

Then who was that that drowned?
That was Max's first wife.

I'm his present wife,
Vanessa Barsini.

And she lived right next door?
Yes, Lieutenant, we were close.

Right. Right.

Well, that explains it, ma'am. Er...

Thank you very much.

Ma'am, the young girl,...

..w-who is she?

Julia's Max's model.
She lives with us.

In the same house?
And the first wife lived there?

When she wasn't over here.
Is there anything else, Lieutenant?

(CHUCKLES) Er, no... No. Not for now.
That's enough for now, ma'am.

Goodbye, ma'am.

Lieutenant Columbo, sir.
The drowning...

Come in, Lieutenant.
I'm Doctor Hammer.

I just got here myself.

When they told me about Louise,
I didn't know what else to do.

Were you her physician, Doctor?
Psychologist.

We were lovers.
We were planning to live together.

Well, isn't that a little unusual,
sir, a psychologist and his patient?

We'd broken off
our professional relationship,

We met again a few months ago.

I assure you,
everything was completely ethical.

Is there any way I can help you,
Lieutenant?

Well, Doctor, in cases like this,
for our report,

we usually check for suicide notes.

No, I've already looked.

Physically, emotionally,
Louise was a healthy woman.

But she did consult a psychologist.

Well, I suppose
the condition I treated her for

was her husband, her former husband.

That man insisted they were still
married and demanded his privileges.

He was married again and that model
living with him. God knows what went
on there.

Well, I guess we can call that
an unconventional lifestyle, sir.

Demented, if you ask me.

(DOOR OPENS)
Who is demented, Sidney?

I've got nothing to say to you.
No condolences?

No grief,...
one from lover to another?

Nothing but disgust.
Good day, Lieutenant.

Finicky chap, our Sidney.

If he owned a shoe store, he'd buy
all the shoes to fit his own feet.

You mentioned further questions,
Lieutenant.

Doctor Hammer's
answered some of them. Er...

Look up, Lieutenant. Not at me,

your profile.

Like this, sir?
Mmn...

Now full-face.

Here.

Light over my shoulder...

Your features,... character.

Homicide policeman who's experienced
everything that life can uncover.

It'd be a privilege to paint you
some day,... if you'd sit for me.

You paint me?
My pleasure, Lieutenant.

We can begin when we both have time.
Well, I'll be darned!

You wanna paint me?
Wait till I tell Mrs Columbo!

And I'm gonna tell her right now,
because all the questions that I had,

they just popped
right out of my head! What a pity.

I'll be darned.

You won't forget, will you, sir?
I'm working on the composition now!

(DOOR REOPENS)

I have time now, sir.

Alas, I have not.
The press of prior commitments.

Right.

Oh, I know what I wanted to ask you,
those contact lenses,

did Mrs Barsini usually take out
the lenses before she went swimming?

I think not.
Most people do.

Well, you ought to know, sir.
You swam with her. Thank you.

Oh, that place you were painting
yesterday, where was that, sir?

That's a place in old Los Angeles -
Vito's Bar.

Vito's Bar. Thank you very much, sir.

And I'm ready to pose for you
whenever you're ready.

Things
will be different without Louise.

You frightened me. Max is going to
need me even more now.

Will you be my friend now?
He'll throw you out

once the paintings are finished.
And what if he doesn't?

I'll see that he does.
Oh my, such a strong manager.

You're the one that's going to go.
You tramp!

Tramp! You're a street walker!

I happen to be his wife.
He will make mistakes.

Louise cooked, I make him richer.
What does he need you for?

Come and watch us some night.
Alley cat.

Money grabber! Brat!
Witch! Bimbo!

You push him too far!
He's already losing interest in you.

In the end, he'll choose me.
Enough!

(BOTH BICKER FURIOUSLY)

Quiet, the both if you!
You should be ashamed!

Louise not even in her grave
and you carry on like fishwives.

Is this how you comfort me?
I need love and I get is squabbling.

Out! Make yourselves useful.

Cook! Pray for Louise!
Wash my clothes!

(SIGHS)

Ah, Louise!

I can take you now, Lieutenant.

Thank you very much, Doctor.

Couch, Lieutenant.
New patients generally decide

whether they want to lie or sit.
Which do you prefer?

Excuse me, sir? To discuss
your problem. You wanted to see me.

Oh! That'll be about my report,
Doctor Hammer. Nothing personal.

My report on the drowning...
Accidental drowning

if they want a whole life history.

You wouldn't believe the reports they
want for falling down the stairs.

I guess it's for statistics.

So, er, I think I'll take the chair.

In that case, I had a busy morning

and a sleepless night
thinking about Louise,

if you won't mind, I'm just going to
stretch out here for a few minutes.

Not at all, sir. Go right ahead.
(SIGHS LOUDLY)

I'm gonna miss her. I think I know
exactly what you mean, sir.

Thank you for being understanding,
Lieutenant.

Doctor, you said
that Mrs Barsini first came here

because of her husband,...

..ex-husband.

Was there anything else, sir?

Well, I suppose with Louise gone,
these things can be discussed.

She complained of terrifying dreams.
Nightmares!

I... (SIGHS)

I'm afraid I forget the details.
I...

Try to remember, sir.

Sometimes, it helps if you say the
first thing that pops into your head.

I remember I was having difficulty
interpreting the dreams.

I... I always felt Louise
was repressing something.

Holding back?
Hiding behind a memory.

It made the analysis difficult.
Dreams are tough enough.

It's like a riddle inside a code
inside a cypher.

It's real detective work,
everything upside down and reversed.

The nightmares, sir,
can you tell me about the nightmares?

If you're interested, I suppose
Louise could tell you herself.

I encouraged her
to keep a tape machine by the bed

so she could describe the dreams
as soon as possible on waking up.

I'll see if I can dig up one or two
of the tapes for you. Uh-huh.

There were three different
recurring nightmares.

Oddly, each began with a knock on
the door in the middle of the night.

That place, that bar where she lived
with Barsini,

something terrible
must've happened there.

Did you say a bar, sir? Er, yeah...

..but I don't
remember the name of the place.

Could that've been Vito's Bar?

T-That's right. Vito's Bar.

Doctor,... you've done very well.

A genuine Barsini! A masterpiece!
That's what a friend does.

In the old days, when he lived here,
he was unknown, a suffering artist.

That's when
he was living with Louise.

Now he comes back
and look what he does!

I've got to show you!
(LAUGHS) For me.

That certainly is a Barsini, sir.
(LAUGHS)

You see that red? Uh...
That's a special red.

That red - that's a Barsini red.
He mixes that himself.

Himself? He grinds it up
with some special ingredient.

That's incredible.
He doesn't always use it.

That's an idiosyncrasy.
I read about that.

A Barsini do, no Barsini read.

That's interesting. Idiosyncrasy.
Ah!

He's going to do my portrait.
Did I tell you?

In the nude?
No!

I thought for a moment...
No! No! No!

Maybe he'll use the red.
Is this still wet?

It is wet. Three-days wet.

Hey, Max, look! Your painting
already brings in a customer.

What is in the soul of man,

that brings him to test for wet
paint, except "don't touch it".

I think I already did, sir.
My sleeve...

My painting. Bring my bag, Vito!
I'll repair it in my studio.

I'm sorry, sir.

Don't say another word.

What are you doing here, anyway? Are
you investigating me, Lieutenant?

No, sir. No. Nothing like that.

A drowning accident, no witnesses...

We're supposed to check and see
what people were doing at the time,

you and the painting and all.
I find that rather insulting.

To tell you the truth, sir, so do I,
but it all has to go in the report.

There's no question what you were
doing when Mrs Barsini passed away.

A work like that -
that didn't just happen. Exactly.

Oh, Mr Barsini,

er, Doctor Hammer, he was telling
me about your wife's nightmares.

did you know
that she was having nightmares?

She never mentioned it. It was a
while back, maybe she got over them.

But Doctor Hammer, he thinks
that something pretty frightening

happened to her
while you were both living here,

and er, he thinks
that she was repressing it.

Erm...

Whoa...

Well, that's you and the victim,
isn't it, sir? Yes.

Can you think of anything
frightening?

No, unless poverty
can be regarded as frightening.

Well,
maybe it's all buried in her tapes,

I mean, these things
that she wouldn't talk about. Hmn.

Tapes?
The dreams she put on tapes,

the tapes Doctor Hammer's getting me.
For your report.

Yes, sir, if it
concerns the victim's state of mind.

Are you suggesting suicide?
We can't rule anything out.

You just dig in to whatever you have,
even if it's just dreams.

I see.

It's time we got to work.
I beg your pardon? Your portrait.

Shall we say our first sitting
tomorrow? You can count on me, sir.

(LAUGHS EXCITEDLY) The bag!

There you are.

Now you are complete. There.
He even looks like an artist!

I just wish I could paint you, sir.
Indeed.

The nightmares, Lieutenant.

I'd be interested to hear about my
wife's dreams. Former wife, sir.

Of course. Former wife.

Would you mind if looked up there,
just to see where it all began?

Sure! Maybe I should charge money.

Harry Chudnow would make a lot
of money! Who's Harry Chudnow?

Max's first art dealer -
the monocle.

"I would have to charge you
a lot of money, old boy!"

For the police, everything is
on the house! Be my guest.

Thank you very much.
OK.

Hey! Hey! (LAUGHS)

(PIPES CHUG)

'Julie!'

'Julie, my darling!

Julie!

Hi! Want some fried chicken?
I just bought it last night.

Julie, I wish
to talk about you and Vanessa.

Little one, tell me that you will
try to get along with her. I won't.

For my sake? No! Make an effort.
I won't! She hates me!

She adores you.
Sure.

Vanessa is upset because of Louise.

I hate her.
See, it's your fault!

It's always my fault!
Get along with her!

I won't! I won't! I won't!

The two of you, you're killing me!
How am I expected to work?

'(DOG BARKS)'

I'm here for the sitting, Mr Barsini.
Is this a good time?

Excellent!

You, not that. I do not paint dogs.

Oh. I understand, sir.

OK, sweetheart, we tried,
but, er, this is going to be just me.

The man, he's not a dog painter.

Alright, darling, come on.

You wanna stay out here?
(WHIMPERS)

I'll just leave him out here, sir.
That's fine! OK.

I'll join you in a moment,
Lieutenant.

Oh!

Looking for something, Lieutenant?
No, sir.

Just something to take the paint off.

I don't intend to immortalize
my paint on your sleeve.
Sit here, please

Like this, sir?

Your face
like this to catch the light...

Hand here. Cigar up.

This is your pose. Comfortable?

Not really, sir. No.
Then, learn to make it comfortable.

A virgin canvas, we'll begin.

You won't see the result till we're
finished with our last sitting.

Understand?
I understand, sir.

No peeking.
No peeking.

I warn you, I intend to paint
your policeman's soul,...

..dark, demented, pitiless.

Don't expect
to find it completely flattering.

Well, I'm in your hands, sir.

You were telling me
about Louise's nightmares.

You said you were interested
so I brought a tape.

Could we play it, sir, while you work
or would that disturb you?

As you please.
OK. Alright.

Position, Lieutenant.

Oh, sorry, sir. Er...

Let me get the tape, sir.
It'll take a second.

(MUMBLES)

You know, my wife's been telling me
about her dreams for years.

She writes 'em down!
She's fascinated by 'em!

Sorry, sir. Yeah... Oh, here we are.

There's meaning in 'em, sir,
no doubt about it.

It's just...
hard to put your finger on it.

(MUMBLES)

"It's now 2.15 in the morning."

'"My dream begins with
someone knocking on the door."'

'(INSISTENT KNOCKING)'

'"Vito's gone home.
Max is upstairs."'

'"It alarms me that someone
should pound like that

in the middle of the night."'

'"I go to the door."'

'"There's a man there,
an older man."'

'"He's speaking French. I can only
make out a word here or there."'

'"I've never seen him before but
I know immediately he's my uncle."'

'"He's agitated.
My uncle has lost something."'

'"He begs me to help him find it.
He becomes very angry with me."'

'"I'm beginning to be frightened.
I call for Max to help me."'

'(BABBLES IN FRENCH)'

'"Max is coming down the stairs."'

'"He's smiling."'

'"I know that
everything will be alright now."'

'"But when he comes to my side,
I see there's a hatchet in his hand,

like a,... like a meat cleaver."'

"That's what happened in my dream."

What do you make of that, sir?

Certainly a very disturbing dream.

But what does it all mean?

Nothing! An attack of indigestion.
Oh, I doubt that, sir.

A puzzle inside a riddle.
A crossword puzzle in a mirror.

French uncle. What's that stand for?
A Dutch uncle. A monkey's uncle.

Louise had no uncle.
None at all?

No.
Then, we have to consider this -

everything's all reversed.
A reversed uncle?

The uncle stands for the aunt.
No aunts.

What was the uncle looking for?
What indeed?

Everything upside down, sir.
Maybe your wife lost something.

Her red nightgown!
Maybe you lost something.

Something lost, something stolen...

Nothing to lose, nothing to steal.
Then there's the French part...

And the uncle who isn't an uncle.
This is really interesting.

An impossible dream.
Suppose we try this, sir...

What's the French word for uncle?
That would be oncle.

My uncle would be mon oncle.
Exactly, mon oncle.

Mon oncle. Mon oncle.

That sounds like the word
for monocle, doesn't it, sir?

Far-fetched, Lieutenant.
Mrs Barsini's nightmare,

the thing
that frightened her so much,

could that have something to do with
the man in the photograph in Vito's -

the man with the monocle?
Harry Chudnow!

Your position, please.
Sorry.

Louise hardly knew Harry.
I didn't know that.

Well, it's only the first dream, sir.
Maybe next time we'll have more luck,

that is, if you're still interested.

Well, like Mrs Columbo,
I'm fascinated.

Lieutenant Columbo?
Yes, sir.

You wanted to talk to a lifeguard?
Er, you know Mrs Barsini,

the lady that used to swim here?

Sure,
I used to see her here all the time.

Good swimmer?
Good enough.

Good enough for what? Good enough to
pass the lifeguard test when I did.

What did you think of her drowning?

It beats me, sir.
Yeah,...

..it beats me, too. Thank you.

'Louise, come and be a wife to me!'

'I'm only your first wife, Max!
Vanessa's your wife now.'

She was a cheerful one. Mmn.
Very sure of herself. Confident?

How can anyone
be confident about anything?

Who knows what the next minute will
bring? I mean she was a calm person.

If you don't mind my saying so,
I could say the same about you.

If Louise had a lover, it's news
to me. She never mentioned it?

She was the kind of person

that kept everything
bottled up inside, like me.

Excuse me, but you don't strike me
as being that kind of person.

With me, there's always a storm
inside. For Max,

it's always the same weather report
- unsettled. Maybe tornadoes.

And Mrs Barsini,
did she send out weather reports?

From Vanessa - earthquakes.
She looks for trouble.

I'm a bad person
if I leave a towel on the floor.

I'm not a complainer.

No-one hears a word out of me.

About what, ma'am?
About my suffering!

Even Louise said I suffer, living
with Max, that floozy model of his.

I've got plenty of pain.
I keep it locked away.

Bottled up.
No-one knows.

You would never tell. Wild horses
couldn't get it out of me.

Er, begging your pardon, ma'am,
but a pretty young thing

in Mrs Barsini's house,
posing nude for her husband,...

..a bit of jealousy
is not that far out of line.

Louise wasn't jealous.

Well, ma'am, Louise,
she wasn't his wife any more.

Poor Louise. I never dreamed
she had a secret lover.

Do you think her psychiatrist
would've made her happy?

Psychologist, ma'am.

(CHATTER)

(CHATS)

Thanks for meeting me, Doc.

You wanna look at the ocean? Hmn?!

Come on. Look at the ocean.

Look at the ocean.
Don't you wanna see the ocean?

He loves the ocean.
How do you know he loves the ocean?

Well, Dog and me...
kinda sense each other's feelings.

Sense my feelings. Why do I feel
so conspiratorial about all this?

About what, sir? Surreptitious
meetings with the police,

digging out the extra dream tapes,
walking an ethical tightrope.

I don't know if this is the right
thing to do with the nightmares.

Well, sir, under these circumstances,

the district attorney, he assures me
it's all perfectly ethical.

Opinions from the district attorney,

sifting through Louise's nightmares,
all this for a drowning?

What's this all about, Lieutenant?

We're not supposed to say, as much
as I'd like to tell you about it.

(SIGHS) Alright, Lieutenant, here.

Lord knows
what you're going to find in there,

except more blood and violence.

Let me know
if there's anything else you need,

any problems I can be of help with,
for Louise's sake.

Oh, well, there is one problem, sir.
Yes?

It's a sort of personal problem.

Yeah?

I was wondering why my dog bit me.

Your dog... bit you?

First time in his life.

Well, what were the circumstances?

I took him to a basset hound picnic,
and he bit me.

At the picnic?
At the picnic.

First picnic?
First picnic, sir.

A lot of other basset hounds there?
Yes, sir.

Jealousy.

He didn't want to share me.
Right.

He didn't like all that competition.
Jealousy. I should've known that.

You know out at the Barsini house,
that place,

that's full of jealousy.
I never thought of the dog.

He wanted to punish you. He's a good
dog but has to know he's number one.

Thank you very much for the advice,
Doctor, and thank you for the tapes.

If anything ever comes of this, I
promise you'll be the first to know.

Keep in touch.

Vanessa!

Vanessa, my darling...
Yes, Max?

You have never looked lovelier.
Thank you, Max.

About Julie, pet.
Is she your pet?

Be a good girl, try to get along.
Why should I?

For my sake. For Louise's sake.

Max, don't you get it? I want that
barefoot tootsie out of my house!

So, now it's your house?
Every man lives in his wife's house.

Every man deserves consideration.

I won't have this cat fighting!
Forget it, Max.

(DOORBELL RINGS)
You're impossible! Enough!

Here I am again, sir!

Consider, Lieutenant, how unfair it
is for a man to live with one woman,

unfair to the man.
He wants her to be all things,

comforting mother, erotic companion,
manager of his life.

Unfair to the woman,
for in the end she must fail him.

Three woman -
one has the hope of happiness.

What about two women, Mr Barsini,
if I may ask?

No good.

I wouldn't recommend it.
Two is no good.

Louise's nightmare, Lieutenant...

I brought the second dream,
Mr Barsini.

It's a very puzzling dream.

"It was the middle of the night."

"Again,
I heard the pounding at the door."

'(INSISTENT POUNDING)'

'"In this dream, it's Max."'

'"He's very angry
because he's lost his key

and he's ravenously hungry."'

'"I follow him upstairs."'

'"I see he's opening packages
from the refrigerator,...

..like butcher meat packages,
pieces of meat."'

'"He doesn't want them.
He throws them into the sink."'

'"Then I see what he's looking for,

strawberries, and blueberries,
I think."'

'"He puts them in a large glass,
like a glass bowl."'

'"He sits at the table
and begins to eat the berries."'

'"He wants me to join him,
to sit with him, eat with him."'

'"But in the sink, I see that one
of the packages is fluttering."'

'"I pull the paper away."'

'"It's a hand, it's a...
moving hand."'

'"I scream to Max
that it's still alive."'

'"Now Max is angry with me.
He smashes the glass on the table."'

'"I'm still screaming when I wake up
from the dream about the hand."'

What we can make out of that, sir?
It's a truly terrifying dream.

Do you mind if I record our thoughts?
Not at all. You first.

She dreamt that you forgot your keys.
I still forget my keys.

Forgetting something
is the same as losing it.

Or never having it.
Never having what?

Money. Meat we couldn't afford.
That's what Louise had on her mind.

Meat and blood, sir, that's violent.
That's a symbol.

Doctor Hammer,
he was quite sure about that part.

Symbols can mean anything,
broken glass, strawberries...

And blueberries, sir. Blueberries?
No, I never liked them.

Well, the broken glass part,
I think that's easy.

What I got here, they're glasses.

Now, just this part,...

..half the glasses.

A glass.

Are we getting back
to the man with the monocle, sir?

It's a dream world, Lieutenant,
everything under the surface.

You're searching for meaning
where you'd never find it.

Maybe that's the point, sir.
I don't understand.

That explains the berries,
what you've just said.

Everything underneath the surface.

Strawberries. Blueberries. Berries.

Maybe that's
the dream language for the word bury,

like when you bury something
underneath the surface.

But what got buried, sir?
My patience, Lieutenant.

Your portrait bores me.

It's become grotesque,

like this pointless dream game that
leads everywhere and goes nowhere.

I'm not a painting machine.
Good day, Lieutenant.

'A dream world, Lieutenant,
everything under the surface.'

'You're searching for meaning
where you'd never find it.'

'A dream world, Lieutenant,
everything under the surface.'

'You're searching for meaning
where you'd never find it.'

'Dream world, Lieutenant,
everything under the surface.'

'You're searching for meaning
where you'd never find it.'

(TAPS LIGHTLY) Vanessa?
'What?'

Can we talk a little bit?

Max wants us to get along.

Why should we?

Clearly, we don't like each other...

Cheers.

What do you want out of all this?

Just to be happy.
(GROANS) I used to want to be happy.

What happened?
Max.

I learned
three big things since I married Max.

Only three?
One, it's nice to live at the beach.

Two,
he can't cook cioppino worth a damn.

(GIGGLES)

Three, there's more important things
in life than happiness.

Much more important things.
Big things.

Name one.

Love.
Same things!

Love is happiness.
Right.

Name another one.
Another what?

A big thing that
happiness is more important than.

(SLURRED) You mean,
a bigger thing than what happiness
is more important.

Whatever. Name one.

I can't.

Why not?

Life is too hard. I'm an orphan.

Life is very hard for orphans.

Think that's tough?
Yeah. I'm a double orphan.

I was adopted,...

..and then my adopted folks,
they died, too.

Double orphan.
That's terrible!

I don't mind.
We have to think about Max.

His happiness.
His cioppino.

His work.
His needs.

What about us?

Now you're talking!

Got her right here ready for you,
Lieutenant. Barsini L.

You like doing homicide, Lieutenant?
Sure.

Why not?! It's nice clean work.

Now, you take the robbery boys,
safe and locks! Oh, boy!

You wouldn't believe some of the
miserable places those boys gotta go.

I gotta check this.

You've got paint on your sleeve.
I know.

You know,
hanging over bodies all the time,

you might as well
have gone into medicine.

Oh, not me.

No, I prefer homicide.

Medical doctors... I had an uncle,
he was a medical doctor.

The only people who ever
came to see him were sick people,

sick people with complaints.

People got better,
he never heard from them,

not even a postcard.

As soon as they got sick,
they knew his number.

What kind of life is that -
always complaining?!

You know what that is?

What is it?
Ah! Gonna try and find out.

Nice talking with you.
You, too.

Oh, Lieutenant, your file.

Oh, thank you.

(DOG BARKS)

(DOG CONTINUES TO BARK)

Vanessa? Julie?

What is this?
Oh, hello, Max!

Julie, dear!
Yes, Vanessa?

You ask Max to help with the bags,
I'll open the trunk. Of course!

Thank you. It's nothing.
Would you mind?

Mind what?
The bags.

What are you doing?
Vanessa is leaving you.

Leaving?! Leaving how? What leaving?

I don't believe this!

He doesn't believe you're
leaving him, Vanessa. (GIGGLES)

I forbid this.
You know your trouble, Max?

All you want is all there is. You're
like a swollen house guest who eats
up all the food,

and while the rest of us go hungry,
you complain about heartburn.

Madness!
Where does she get such madness?

Poor sensitive Max,
please try and accept this

in the spirit in which it is offered.
You can go to hell!

Good! Out!

Now you show yourself!

Go! Out!

Now, for the first time, you finally
give me what I've always wanted!

Julie, my pet,... (LAUGHS)

..finally we have peace.
Finally we have each other.

Darling Max, let me tell you
everything that's in my heart..

(WHISPERS)

Out!

Ingrate... tramp!

Model!

Mr Barsini... Sir?

I'm ready to try again if you are.

It seems to be a time for the
closing of painful relationships,

even ours, Lieutenant.
A misbegotten pair -

the betrayed artist,
the uninvited policeman.

Well, Mr Barsini, all this,
I'm speaking just for myself,

has been a very great privilege.

I'll no longer be available to you,
not even to discuss my wife's
nightmares.

There's only one more, sir.

Who knows what this one will bring.

"This dream,... I really
don't want to talk about it."

'"My hands are still shaking. It
begins with knocking at the door."'

'"This time it is I who is knocking.
The door's locked. I can't get in."'

'"Suddenly, the door is opened."'

'"I also know
that something frightening

is about to happen."'

'"Still, I...
have to go up the stairs."'

'"I find Max
at the kitchen table,...

..holding a man's pocket watch
over a cup of tea."'

'"He laughs as he says, "There's
something wrong with the works."'

'"He drops the watch into the tea."'

'"But when he turns the cup over
there's nothing there."'

'"Then I realise
it will all end very badly."'

'"He seems to be trying
to comfort me as he tells me

he knows
what happened to the watch."'

'"But when he
opens the door to the stairs,

they lead down
into a dark basement."'

'"Someone's been digging there,

and I see a body
laying face-down in the dirt."'

'"I remain on the stairs,
too frightened to go any further."'

'"Max turns the body over.
I know the face."'

'"I know the watch
is hidden in his eye."'

'"I know I'm screaming
when Max... takes...

..the pick axe."'

'"I'm still screaming
when I see the broken glass."'

"Perhaps if I ever have the courage
to leave Max, the dreams will stop."

Hmn...

What do you suppose she could've
meant by that, sir?

Impenetrable. But not unlike Louise
to blame me, even for nightmares.

We always end up with that monocle -
the man with the watch in his eye.

A symbol of time!
Louise's lost youth!

Could the watch
mean you were losing time?

When you said there was
something wrong with the works,

maybe you were referring
to your works as an artist.

Very good, Lieutenant.
And that digging in the basement,

something buried, sir,...
under the surface, like you said.

And the way that man in the monocle,
that Harry Chudnow,

keeps turning up
in all your wife's dreams...

Did I tell you that I found an old
newspaper clipping about Harry?

No, you did not.
May I move, sir?

Please.

I've got a copy of it right here.

It's here somewhere.
I know I brought it.

Er... Maybe I didn't.

Oh, no. Here it is.

If you care to read that, sir,
out loud...

"For the second time in six months,

international art dealer Harry
Chudnow is sued by a local artist

for failure to reports the full
proceeds from sale of the artist's
works."

Yes, Harry was a rascal.

Did he do something like that to you,
sir? Cheat you out of your work?

Harry breathed, Harry cheated.
Harry was Harry.

I think you killed Harry Chudnow,

at least that's what
your wife's dreams seem to say.

Bravo. The police unmasked.

To transpose a fragment of my wife's
sleep into a murder mystery...

(TUTS) I hardly think so.

Poor Harry, off to Paris and Rome.
Harry vanishes.

If we dug up Vito's basement, sir,
what do you think we'd find?

You think Vito
could've killed Harry so long ago?

I recall
he was behind in his bar bill.

There's no way I can make that case,
not with dreams for evidence.

We seem to be quite finished here,
Lieutenant. Can I see?

You may be shocked.
Well, I doubt that Mr Barsini.

I'm not even shocked
that you murdered your wife.

Lieutenant Columbo, my wife died
in an accidental drowning

while I was
painting a picture at Vito's Bar.

Like this one, sir?

You seem to be making some
unfathomable point.

Well, we can get back to it later.

Those brushes,

are they fluffy?

You see that, Mr Barsini,
that's a fluffy brush.

Yes, I'm glad you agree. Indeed,
a clean, fluffy, sable brush.

Is it significant? The day that you
painted the painting at Vito's,

what would you say, sir, if I asked
you how you cleaned these brushes?

I would confess the cleaning them
in brush cleaner, Lieutenant.

But when the cleaner evaporated,

the bristles,
they would dry all stiff.

Cleaner to wash out the brushes,
water to wash out the cleaner,

thereby producing a fluffy brush.
Where'd you get the water?

If you visit Vito's store room
you'll discover a sink.

You might also
detect a faucet to provide water.

I turned on the water, sir.
It hadn't been on for months, years.

The pipes were clogged.

Nothing came out but sludge. Is that
what you used to clean your brushes?

I remember now.
On completing my labours,

I was primarily interested in home
and bed. I washed my brushes the
next morning.

That would explain why you didn't use
the sink. Thank you for reminding me.

But what about your shoes?

My shoes?
Your shoes, sir.

It's the way you paint, Mr Barsini,
very strong strokes.

Paint all over your shoes.

And here, on the floor

by the easel, you see all the paint?

And at Vito's,
up where you painted the picture,

no paint on the floor, not a drop.

The case of the missing paint!

It's all about technique,
Lieutenant. Finer strokes.

Control replaces passion -
no paint on Vito's floor.

Come over by the lights.
I want you to see something.

Oh, by the way, sir,

did you
see your wife that day on the beach?

No, I did not. I told you,
neither on nor off the beach.

You did tell me that, yes.

Excuse me for showing you this, sir.

It's a police photo of your wife.

I'd rather not see it, Lieutenant.
It's just a brief look, sir.

See how her make-up ran?
That's from the ocean.

The eye make-up, the lipstick
smeared.

But the lipstick isn't lipstick,
not according to the lab boys.

They say it's paint.

And you said you
didn't see your wife all that day.

But that red paint at the corner of
her mouth, that's your special red.

That's Barsini red,
just like on this rag, sir,

the same rag that you
carried in your tote bag here.

Do you see the red? The lab boys
even found her lipstick on this rag.

There's paint on this rag
and her mouth,...

..so you must've been there before
she drowned. You had to be there.

No doubt the lab boys received
encouragement from a certain police
man.

The lab boys did find
traces of paint cleaner on this rag.

This is very dangerous stuff.
(SNIFFS)

That's like ether.
That'd knock a person out.

That what the lab boys say?!
No, sir, That's what the can says.

I'd have
to tell the jury you murdered her.

You made her unconscious
and drowned her

because she knew
how you killed Harry Chudnow,

and after all these years you were
still afraid she'd tell about it.

You were even afraid of her dreams.

You've been very enterprising,
Lieutenant.

Still, the day Louise drowned,

Vito and I
would have to tell the jury

that I was painting at Vito's bar.

You mean Vito saw everything?
He saw everything there was to see.

Well, he couldn't have seen this...

You removing the blank canvas.

There's your bar painting, sir.
It's that dream language again,

everything under the surface,
like you said.

Would that mean
the painting under the surface?

I say you painted it early,

already painted when you got there

so you could go out the fire escape
and do what you had to do.

(LAUGHS)
You could make the argument.

I'm sure you will.

Lieutenant, those last painful
moments with Louise...

What if I had chosen a clean rag?

Well, sir, that first day on
the beach, it was the contact lenses,

one in and one out.
That question had to be answered.

Even with a clean rag,
I would've kept digging.

It's like you, sir.
You have to finish a painting.

We both have to finish our work.

May I see it now?
Are you quite sure you want to?

Well, I'll take the chance.

As you please...

Lieutenant,...

..what do you think?

It's very nice, sir.
I think you've been teasing me.

The hand paints what the eye sees.

Do you think I could show that
to Mrs Columbo? With my compliments.

Do I really look like that?

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