All language subtitles for Columbo.Grand.Deceptions.1989.1080p.MY5.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-None_track3_[eng]

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Morning, sir.
Morning, Corporal.

Any word on our toy soldiers?
Not a one, sir.

The shop still
insists they've been shipped.

Ah, the deed will never get done
with just the books.

At least I've got them sorted out.

I'll be out at the camp until noon.
After that, at the Foundation.

Let me know if the soldiers show up.
Not a surprise for the General

if they don't get here by tonight.
It'll take me hours to set them up.

The General's office if off limits
until his party. It's locked off.

For all the good that will do us
without any soldiers. Right, sir.

We'll keep our fingers crossed.
Oh, yes, Corporal. Wish us luck.

You people haven't seen much of me,
but I know all about you.

I know that if you wanted
to learn close-order drill,

you'd have joined
a marching band and not the
First Foundation Training Battalion.

You've spent two weeks
and a lot of your money

learning to fight and kill
like professionals.

Tomorrow, Sergeant Major Keegan
and his trainers

will send you home tough,
confident and capable.

Someday, your capability
will be this country's first line
of defence against our enemies.

Some of those enemies have seen fit
to deprive us of a draft army.

A trained body of citizens,
ready to guide our families

and our way of life.
Now, by your personal sacrifices,

you have embraced
that responsibility.

Tonight's manoeuvres
will be your last formal exercise.

After that, I expect you
to live what you've learned.

General Padget is proud of you.

I am proud of you.

Soldiers, I salute you.
(ALL CHEER)

(SIGHS)

How much longer are you going
to make that phoney bugle-boy speech

to the troops?
Fine body of men you're turning out.

Well, I don't like this job.

I hated dumb duty
when I was in the army,

and I don't like it any better now.

You never drew this kind of pay
for real soldiering.

Neither did you, Frank.

Now, you don't mind me
calling you Frank, do you, Colonel?

Huh?
It's fair, Lester.

We've been around
a few blocks together.

Yeah, that's true. Now,
you're running this Foundation here

and you're working
for the old General,

I'm working for you.
Only, the General, he uh...

he doesn't trust you all that much
any more.

Turns out he likes me better.

Cheers.

Is that a fact, Lester?

You know, the General thinks
you're holding out on him, Frank.

Some operation
called the Special Projects Fund.

Did you ever
hear of the Special Projects Fund?

That's Foundation business. Nothing
to do with the Training Battalion.

Well, Frank, that's
exactly what I told General Padget

when he asked me
to look into for him.

But how in the hell
am I going to find out anything

that high and fancy? Unless
I talk to my old army brothers

in the Pentagon, which I did.

Just top-kick, non-coms.
What the hell?

Close enough to the bone.

And you know what I found out?

I have a feeling
you're going to tell me, Lester.

You're using
the General's Foundation

to do things
that they put people in jail for.

Then, you're cutting out
a nice slice of cash for yourself.

But, Frank, listen.
I don't have the slightest intention

of blabbing any of this
to General Padget.

Not after what you
and I have been through.

Mm-mm.

I appreciate that, Lester.

Oh, thanks, for the use of the room.

Of course, I had to do
a little recon job for myself.

So I can tell you that I also know
who you've been sleeping with.

Sergeant Major Keegan,

you seem to have a great deal
on your mind.

Well, Frank, you see,
I got this idea in my head

that if the Foundation's got money
for you...

..you've got money for me.

What do you say, partner?

It's the old army game, Lester.

All those black phone calls
you've been making.

You call your friends,
they call you.

They pump their friends,
their friends call me.

And round and round it goes.
So I guess

I'm about three points ahead of you
on this.

As for who I may
or may not be sleeping with...

I've noticed you've been
following me around here and there.

Lester, you don't do that very well,
so I know all about that too.

So, what are we going to do
about all this?

We're going to take care
of each other.

So long as neither one of us
gets greedy.

Starting when?

Give me a couple of days
to bring you an offer.

Old battle comrades never die.

They just get rich together.

No hard feelings, Frank.
No. Life's too short.

Nobody knows that better than we do,
huh?

That's right.

Those were the days of Korea.

I only had one star then. And in
the presence of a five-star general,

one star gave you as much heft
as a shavetail.

(LAUGHTER)

I remember the first time
he cocked that pipe at me,

he couldn't even remember my name.
(LAUGHTER)

But that's all right.
I couldn't either (!)

(LAUGHTER)

I've got a lot of stars myself now,
I affirm.

I've had 'em for some time.

Every once in a while, they let me
dress up in my soldier suit

and try to impress somebody.

But you think-tank people are
too smart of that kind of stuff.

And nowadays, I have the honour
to head up your organisation.

They put my name
on the top of the stationary

and they call me "Your Chairman".

You're a great bunch of folks here.
I only wish I had you

on my staff when uh...when
I was in the army.

My....my beautiful wife here and I
both thank you

for a lovely morning.

And now, now,
it's time for Frank and me

to get out there
and dig up some more contributions

to keep this place going.
ALL: Yeah.

God bless you all.

You made it a very pleasant morning,
Frank. You always do.

We'd still like the General
to keep an office.

I wouldn't know what to do with it.
I don't know what's going on here.

Too many PhDs trying to rewrite
the history of the world.

Say, how's that sergeant major
of yours doing?

I haven't seen him for a while.
Lester Keegan? Right.

Still hammering away at the troops.
I don't know about that bunch,

but Keegan's a good man.
A good soldier.

We need more like him.

Oh, it almost slipped my mind again.

That Special Projects Fund of yours,
Frank.

You know, I still haven't seen
the reports yet.

All brought up-to-date, sir.

I think it'll explain everything.

That's it?
That's the report.

Well, I'm grateful, Frank.

Someone promises once
and doesn't deliver,

well, that's a busy man. Promises
twice, he's not very efficient.

Promises three times,
I know when I'm being diddled.

But here we are after all.
I take it all back.

And now, I'd like another look at
that sexy computer system of yours.

There goes my Squire Toad.

Enthusiasm unbounded. Are we gonna
have the soldiers for him, Frank?

That's still up for grabs.
Colonel Brailie, I've... Oh.

Excuse me, Mrs Padget.
Not at all. I'm just leaving.

I'm glad you got that report
to Jack.

He was fretting about it.
I'll see you at the dinner party.

Indeed.

Bye-bye, Marcia.
Bye-bye, Mrs Padget.

What can I do for you, Marcia?
We seem to have

two Special Projects reports.
Do you want them in central files?

I'll take care of them.
Just leave 'em here. OK.

I don't love you. What I love
is being here with you, like this.

Does that make me a bad woman?

Only for a few hours.

My depraved Jenny.

Mm.

Of all the sins,
Jack says betrayal is the worst.

What's your worst conceivable sin?

Not getting what I want.

I meant what I said, Frank - (SIGHS)

- our first time.

We'll take
what we enjoy from each other.

But I won't have him hurt.

Not by you. Not by me.

Not by us.
He'll never know.

Never, I promise.

OK. You've had a taste.

Final exam's coming up. Time to see
what all you heroes have learned

these past two weeks.
Now, you got three hours

to get back to base camp...in
the dark, in the muck,

in the woods.
And just so you don't think

those pits you see in the woods -
the ones with the white lime circles
around them -

just so you don't think
they're nifty, little hiding places,

every once in a while,
the bogeyman will make them go -

That's mortar fire.

You're never going to know
when it's incoming.

I don't want
to catch any of your raggedy butts

hanging around something
that looks like a white circle.

Now, that's the menu
for tonight's tea party.

So, you soldiers of fortune,
get some chow, get some rest,

cos the fun and games
commence at sundown.

The sexual life of a camel -
- is stranger than anyone thinks.

He lies in the shade
of the Pyramids -

- and tries to make love
to the Sphinx.

But the Sphinx is only a statue -
- beset by the sands of the Nile.

Which accounts for the humps
on the camel -

- and the Sphinx's
inscrutable smile.

(LAUGHTER)

All right, Mr Martinson.
It's your turn on stage.

Oh, well...well,
in this glittering company

all Peggy and I have to offer
is a little contribution

to help celebrate
the General's birthday.

Well, we don't wear uniforms,
but we do like to think of ourselves

as patriots.

So keep up the good work there,
Jack. And you too, Frank.

Damnation to our enemies.

Hear, hear.
ALL: Hear, hear.

Jenny, our good friends
seem to have made this out

to the First Foundation.
I won't tell you people

how much this is for. But
I think I've counted pretty close

to six zeros.

(SHOUTING AND GUNFIRE)

Come on.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS)
Jen.

I got 'em. 600 blue and grey.

The toy soldiers?
Just delivered.

What a shame, Frank.
You won't have time.

Let me try. Two hours, then bring
everybody up to the pool house.

If I haven't got
everything set up...

at least we'll have
something to show off.

Jennifer. Where's Jennifer?
Jennifer!

Ah, there you are. Now, tell me,
what's all this about?

More birthday surprises.
Oh, my.

Anybody out yet?
Nah.

They're falling over
their own feet in there.

Show me that checklist.

(SIGHS)

Count 'em right, Sidney.

Everybody checked out
before you start the light show.

I'll take care of the hook-ups.

Keegan to Winnik. I'm out of here.

Frank. Frank?

(ALL GASP)

Happy birthday, Jack.
ALL: Oh! Happy birthday!

Oh.

I'll be damned. Gettysburg.

Cemetery Ridge. Pickett's Charge.

Love from Jenny.

Indeed.

Oh.

It's a marvel.

You're a marvel.

The books go with it, Jack.

All the Civil War battles
you'd ever want to fight.

All on a nice, clean, sand table.

Not so clean that day.

No, not when the dying began.

Flesh...and bone...

..and heartbreak.

(WHISTLE)

Listen up.

We're all out of the woods.
And count yourselves lucky.

You were still in there.

The enemy had his artillery
ranged and ready.

So that's where you begin to die,
like this.

Look at that.
I think we just lost one of our men.

My name is Brailie.

Well, my pleasure, sir.

Colonel Brailie.
You're from the Foundation.

Lieutenant Columbo.

Police.
Ah, Lieutenant.

We seem to be fellow officers,
Lieutenant.

You know the responsibility
of leading your men.

Well, mostly, the men I lead,
that'd just be me, sir.

I see. Still, you can
understand an officer's concern

when he's lost
someone under his command.

Is there any way I can assist you
here?

Well, thank you very much, sir.

The Training Battalion,
all the military uniforms and ranks,

it was very confusing
to understand that all this

is really just
a school for civilians.

But we seem to have
that under control now, sir.

Then, what are
all these people searching for?

Search and look, look and search
for whatever might explain

the circumstances. They expect us
to do that in Homicide.

Homicide?
I was told it was an accident.

Well, there is one question.

At the exercises last night,
now, I understand that Mr Keegan

set those switches over there
and then he radioed...

May I ask, sir,
were you watching the exercise?

No. I'm afraid I was at
a dinner party for General Padget.

Right.

General Jack Padget?

That General Padget?
That General Padget.

That would be like having dinner
with history, sir, wouldn't it?

He's the honourary chairman
of our foundation.

You were about to ask me a question,
Lieutenant.

A question? Right.

Mr Keegan. Yes.

Mr Keegan set those switches
for what they call the light show.

He radioed Sergeant Winnik
that he was leaving.

But it was an hour later
when Sergeant Winnik

fired off the explosives
that killed him.

What was he still doing here?

Can you help me with that,
Colonel Brailie?

I've been wondering
about that myself.

Obviously,
something brought him back here.

Why this particular spot
when he knew it was so dangerous?

What am I going to say in my report?

That he was
checking a wiring connection.

Or searching for something,
or someone.

Even the best
of trained men grow careless.

While I played with toy soldiers.

Toy soldiers?

I was...setting up a gift
for the General.

I'm gonna give you four final words,
Lieutenant.

Chest burned and excavated.

Now, you need me for anything else?
That's it.

Thanks, Clarence.
I'll send the attendants.

We served together.

Little wars in secret places.

I brought him out of the army,
into the Training Battalion.

All that combat...

to die on a light exercise.

Well...we're just going
to have to call it an accident, sir,

and let it go at that.

I have arrangements to make,
Lieutenant, if you'll forgive me.

Uh...right, sir. You just run along.
We'll call you if we need anything.

I'm very sorry.

Thank you.

Lieutenant! We've found it, sir.

Jack, come over here.
They've got it.

At the bottom of the slope.

Right there, Lieutenant.
Very good, Sergeant.

This object that I have in my hand
is a flashlight. Is that right?

ALL: Yes, sir.
You all see that?

ALL: Yes, sir.

FRANK: The Battalion's closed down
until we find out why this happened.

Last night, we lost a comrade.

All of you have
served in the regular forces.

Some of you have seen violent death
before.

That's the profession we picked.

We're soldiers,
so make the best of it.

That's all.

(WHIRRING)

(BANG)

(DOOR OPENING)

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
That'd be my mess.

I must've tracked it in here
when I came back to clear up.

Well, that's OK, Lieutenant.
Lester kept this place

like he was a recruit. We wouldn't
want to desecrate it now.

I apologise, Colonel.
Let met take that.

This camp, I never saw so much mud.

I counted
seven different types of muds.

You can't imagine
how many different kinds of mud.

That's what a detective
has to be interested in.

Green mud and black mud.

Wet mud and dry mud.
Old mud and new mud.

I bring the samples home.

My wife - that's Mrs Columbo -
she won't even let me

bring it in the house.
That woman, she keeps her house

like Sergeant Major Keegan.

Yeah. Now, that mud...

..that's the mud
from where the victim was killed

in the accident.
Very thorough, Lieutenant.

I don't think
I'd like you on my trail.

Ah, if that were the case, sir,

I'd have to ask you
what you were doing here

in the victim's quarters.

And I'd tell you it was
to say a, kind of, last farewell.

Of course, sir.

And clean up the mud.

And that too.

Colonel. Lieutenant Columbo.

Ah, yes, Sergeant.
I've got the men here, sir.

Thank you, Sergeant.
I'll send them in one at a time.

I wanted to talk to some of the men
just to get a feel of the place.

Go to it, Lieutenant.
Call me at the Foundation

if there's
anything I can do for you.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Here I be.

You want to know
about the Training Battalion?

I want to know about you, sir.
Why you came here.

To get ready
for the time of anarchy.

The time of anarchy?
When the element tries to take over.

The element, sir?

Now, maybe you don't care!
But they ain't getting me

and they ain't getting mine!

Right.

I'm training up to be a mercenary,
sir.

In two weeks?

That's what the article
said in the magazine.

Best camp I've ever been to, sir.
You've been to these places before?

A little bit, sir.
Taylor Point, South Carolina

Westerville, Arizona.
Squeaks Ridge, Pennsylvania.

Centerburg, North Dakota.
High Bluff, Nevada.

Tannerstown, Oklahoma.
Forge Bend, Kentucky.

And last year, sir,
I got into Blast Camp, Georgia.

Deal, Montana. Murphytown...

I'm sorry, Lieutenant,
Colonel Brailie's busy.

He'll get to you as soon as he can.
That's quite all right. Thank you.

At the Foundation, ma'am,
what is it people do here?

We're what they call a think-tank,
Lieutenant. Wow, a think-tank.

A think-tank, that's what it is.

Thank you.

What do they think about?
Our country's problems, Lieutenant.

I'm sure Colonel Brailie will
explain it to you. Right, thanks.

(RATTLING)

Yes, what is it?

Sorry. Wrong room. Excuse me.

Having a look around, Lieutenant?
Sorry to keep you waiting.

Not at all, sir.
This is a very interesting place.

Well, come on, and see
what else might be interesting

Oh, Marcia,
please remind Professor Galt

I need to see the Dalai Lama before
my trip to Tibet. Yes, Colonel.

Carl Peterson just called from Mali.
Get him back.

And ring through. No other calls.
Come in, Lieutenant.

Well, this is certainly
a most interesting office.

And your work,
it sounds very intriguing, sir.

Visiting Tibet
and phone calls from Mali.

That's in Africa, isn't it, sir?
It is, Lieutenant.

You'll find it...right here.

Oh, yeah. Mali.

It's a very uncertain world,
Lieutenant.

Things happen,
unexpectedly and even randomly.

Our policies
have to expect the unexpected.

(PHONE RINGS)
That's the sort of thing

we think about here
at the Foundation.

You mean the best plans, sir,
sometimes go all wrong?

(PHONE CONTINUES TO RING)
Well, not the very best plans.

Here, we try
to design perfect plans.

Feel free to look around,
Lieutenant.

Yes. Put him through.

Hello, Carl.
Did you see the tanks yourself?

Well, find them and count them.
I'm not interested in a CIA report.

Take care of yourself.

Well, what have you found there,
Lieutenant?

Is this what I think it is?

What do you think it is?
Well, it looks like a human head

all shrunken.
It is indeed a shrunken human head.

From the Jivaro Indians of Ecuador.

He was a soldier killed in battle.

Otherwise, his head
wouldn't have been all shrunken.

I keep it as a soldier's warning.

A single mis-step
in the face of my enemy,

and I might end up like
our unfortunate friend here.

Right, sir.
I guess we can say this fella,

he's a lesson to all of us.

Now, Lieutenant, how can I help you?
Did you talk to our trainees?

I did, sir.
And I must say...I'm puzzled.

What puzzles you?
The kind of people they were.

They just don't seem
to go with all of this.

The Foundation
and the Training Battalion,

they're very different,
aren't they, sir?

Different indeed.
Sophisticated scholars

and roughneck romantics.

Some of our people here
call the training operation

"our bargain-basement boutique".

Still, the fees help
finance our Foundation work.

For the rest of it,
we depend on donations.

Is there something here
you want to show me?

Oh, yes. Well, it's really
just a question, Colonel Brailie.

Mr Keegan - the victim -

was he unhappy with his work
out there at the camp?

Not that I know of.
He never complained. Why do you ask?

Uh...it's these pieces of paper,
sir.

I found them in Mr Keegan's desk.

An unexplained accident, sir, we're
supposed to look around, like that.

Yes, I'm sure you are.
They're from the want-ads sections

of the newspapers.
(READS) Help wanted.

All help-wanted ads.

Do you think Mr Keegan
was thinking of changing jobs?

All different jobs.

(READS) Limousine drivers wanted.
Employment opportunities
in Saudi Arabia.

Gun shop needs expert clerk.

Careers and security services.

Odd jobs like that.
And the dates...here, sir.

The dates were all in sequence,

like Mr Keegan was looking
every single day, until last Monday.

Then, it stopped. No more ads.

You see, sir?
Do you see how the dates run out?

Mm-hm. I see, Lieutenant.

Well, what's your point?

Well, here's a man, he's looking
in the newspapers for a new job.

He is looking every day.

He's looking and marking the adds.

Then, six days ago,
everything changes.

He stops looking. No more ads.

I got to ask myself
what happened last Monday.

What changed in Mr Keegan's life
last Monday?

Can you think of anything, sir?

I can't imagine, Lieutenant.
I only visited the camp

when new classes began and ended.

Do you think
he could've found a new job?

I can't conceive Lester
even looking for another job.

Well, we can't read a man's mind,
can we, sir?

All right. Well, thank you for your
help. I'll just be running along.

He never talked to you
about a raise? Money?

Anything like that?
Nothing like that.

Lester was perfectly happy with
his life when I saw him yesterday.

What could this possibly
have to do with his accident?

Exactly, sir. That's my point.

Here, we have
an accident on our hands.

My report is gonna
call this "an accident".

And there we go, we're complicating
it with a lot of questions.

The paperwork,
it's gonna go on forever.

Unless we just learn to forget
about these little questions.

All right, sir.
Well, thank you again.

Good day, Lieutenant.
Good day.

Those sticks, sir...
Excuse me?

These sticks.
Those people sitting on the floor

in that room down there, they were
shaking sticks just like these.

Yes, they're I Ching sticks -
an ancient Chinese way

of divining the future.
You mean people use these

for fortune-telling?

Well, it's all rather mystical.
One shakes the container, like this.

And eventually...one of them
falls out...

like this.

See, and each stick
has its own unique marking.

These lines, here.

You look up the meaning
in the I Ching book.

You know, what the future holds,
how to deal with your life,

what decisions to make.

All from just this stick?
All from that stick.

Of course, uh...it all depends
on some pretty hazy interpretation.

We do these studies to try
to understand the processes

of Chinese decision-making.
Oh.

For instance, I happen to know
that this is the Ming Yi symbol.

What would that mean, sir?
Well, it could mean

uh...among other things,
that a woman is sitting on a well.

That's been interpreted
as a warning against a trap. Right.

A woman on a well. That's a trap.

I can see that. I'm going
to tell that one to Mrs Columbo.

Well, you've been very kind,
Colonel.

And I won't intrude any longer.
Not at all.

We both better guard ourselves
against traps, sir,

or we're liable to lose our heads.
Bye again.

One more thing, sir.

I'll show you
how I find these little problems

that I really
shouldn't even be looking for.

I put it here somewhere.

I know I brought it.

Well, it seems like I don't have it.

Oh, no. Here it is.

Over here by the light, sir.

You see this, Colonel Brailie?
It looks like dirt, Lieutenant.

Lots of dirt, bits of leaves
and little twigs

found jammed up
under Mr Keegan's collar.

Lots of dirt, bits of leaves.

And twigs.
Little twigs.

What do you think of that, sir?
Obviously blown under his collar

by the explosion.
But when the explosion went off,

he was lying face down.

His chest was all blown in.

Excuse me for saying that.
So, how can all this dirt

get back here underneath his collar?

What do you make of it, Lieutenant?

Well, it's like the victim
was being dragged through the dirt

on his back. Like somebody was
dragging Mr Keegan by his arms

and his collar was scooping up
all the dirt.

You see how
that can confuse my accident report?

Yes, you have my sympathies.

Still, I can tell you
from battlefield experience...

..an explosion can produce
random results.

I think the explosion
would account for the dirt.

Then, that's what
I'm going to say in my report.

Explosion.

Random results.

This is going to be very helpful.

Colonel Brailie,
General Padget's on the phone.

I'll take it at my desk.
Goodbye, Lieutenant.

He wants to talk
to Lieutenant Columbo.

Talk to me?

General Padget?
General Padget on the line.

General Padget, sir.

OK, I'm gonna put you in charge.

You take care of the car.

You're a responsible dog.

When I get back, and the car's OK,

I'll give you another cookie.

If the car's gone, I'll give you
another cookie anyway.

Cos I love ya.

(DOG WHELPS)

(DOORBELL)

Excuse me maam. Lieutenant Columbo,

the General was expecting me.

Yes of course. I'm Jenny Paget.

Is that your car Lieutenant?

Yes Maam. It needs a wash now.

I had one like that.

Long, long time ago.

Well you should've held on to it.

That car's a collectors item.

Lovely thing, isn't it?

Yes. Lovely indeed.

Please come in. My husband's in the
pool house.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Come in.

Excuse me, sir?

Columbo?
Right.

Padget. Well, come on in. I'm not
going to go all the way over there.

Well, what do you think of this?

A birthday present. You know
what all this is, Lieutenant?

Could this be Gettysburg?

Cemetery Ridge.

What do you know
about Cemetery Ridge?

Well, not me so much as my nephew.

He belongs to one of those groups
that get together

and fight all the battles
from the Civil War books.

This is certainly some beauty.

Pickett's Charge.

On orders from General Longstreet.

Half a day later, the battle's lost.

Longstreet's fatal flaw.

Well, the fatal flaw, sir,
I was brought up with shoes.

Excuse me?
There was a shoe factory

in Gettysburg. If General Lee
hadn't needed shoes for his men,

there may never have
a Battle of Gettysburg.

Well...I'll be damned.

You're a good man, Lieutenant.
You know things.

A pleasure to meet you.
It's a real privilege to meet you.

And to see
how you set this table up.

Oh, I didn't set it up.
Frank Brailie did that last night.

Those are the books, sir?

Lincoln And His Generals.

Bluebellies And Johnny Reb.

That's the great one.
That's a classic.

The Gray Runs Red.

This is some collection.

A gift from my wife. The whole thing
was a gift from Jenny.

Look at this.

A Union soldier.

He retreated too far.
But where are we gonna put him?

How about with the artillery?

Over here on Little Round Top.
Why not help out General Hancock?

You put it here.
Well, sir, you're the General.

There.

But I don't think
that...you invited me over here

to help fight the Civil War.

You're right.
We lost a good man last night.

A stupid accident.

He was on my own payroll,
so to speak.

You want to know the truth? I don't
know beans about our accounting.

I told that to Sergeant Major Keegan
a few days ago.

He was standing
right where you're standing.

Would that have been on Monday, sir?

Well, as a matter of fact, it was.

Well, in that case, I'll ask you
what you and Mr Keegan talked about

on Monday.

Lieutenant, I'm going to trust you.

I asked him to be my eyes
and my ears, do me a little favour.

I might not know too much
about accounting.

But I do know millions of Foundation
dollars have dribbled down

to some rat hole
called Special Projects Fund.

Now, Frank Brailie finally
gave me that report

on the Special Projects Fund
yesterday.

I've been after him for weeks.

It was like pulling teeth.

Not the way Colonel Brailie
usually does things.

Anyway, last Monday...I
asked Sergeant Major Keegan

to look into all that for me,
to find out what was going on.

Good man. He knows his business,
just like I think you know yours.

Well, I never heard from him again.
A real tragedy.

I've got the report here, anyway,
for what it's worth.

Does that answer your question
about what happened last Monday?

In a matter of speaking, sir.

May I ask you what exactly
is the Special Projects Fund?

Oh, it's a catchall for
everything that isn't nailed down.

Our own intelligence operations
around the world.

Special grants abroad.

Anything that's around,
according to this report.

And I'm gonna ask you a favour,
Lieutenant.

You're looking around about the
camp - Keegan's life and effects.

You find any odds and ends
about the Special Projects Report,

you keep me informed.
You think you can do that for me?

Anything I can do
for General Jack Padget,

that would be
my own personal pleasure.

Why don't we stop
this mutual buttering up

and see if we can't help each other?

OK?
Yeah.

Good. Before you go, I want you
to stick this in your pocket.

It's your soldier. You found it.

Give you an excuse
to come back again.

You don't, I'll claim you stole it.

(LAUGHS) Right, sir.

And certainly will be back.

You can count on it.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Lieutenant?

I picked up my cleaning. They gave
me Sergeant Major Keegan's stuff.

I didn't know what to do with it.
I'll take it.

Sergeant...

do you like your work here?

It's a job.
Sergeant Major Keegan,

did he like his work here?
He never said.

Good night, Sergeant.
Good night, Lieutenant.

(DOORBELL)

Colonel Brailie.
Well, this is some surprise, sir.

I was looking for a Mr Dunstan.

A Mr L Dunstan, apartment 2A.

Yes, Lieutenant.
This is indeed apartment 2A.

Is there something I can do for you?
Careful, sir. You almost spilt that.

It won't take a minute.

What a remarkable coincidence.
Would you be visiting Mr Dunstan?

(LAUGHS) Would it astonish you to
learn that Mr L Dunstan and myself

are exactly the same person?
That's your, sir?

You're Mr Dunstan?
(SIGHS)

I er...mean to be inhospitable,
Lieutenant,

but I'm expecting a guest
at any moment.

Of course, sir. I should've known.
The wine and the music.

I'd have to say a lady.
Exactly.

Now, if you'll excuse me.
A private place

for romantic meetings.

That's why Mr Dunstan
keeps this apartment.

You have my confession.
I certainly understand, Colonel.

Except I must admit
I'm a bit confused.

I thought somewhere uh...
Bear with me, sir.

Right. Here it is. Don't you have
a lovely home in Sherman Oaks, sir?

Lieutenant, we all know there
are moments when it's more discreet

not to be at home.
Ah, right, Colonel.

More discreet.
Well, that certainly explains that.

But then...you're not a married man,
are you, sir?

Why would you worry
about being discreet?

No, I'm not married, but the lady...

Ah, of course.
It's really none of my business.

And she'll be along any minute.

I know exactly
what you're thinking, sir.

You're wondering
why I came looking for Mr Dunstan

in the first place.
Just too polite to ask.

It's the victim, sir. Mr Keegan.
Here, I'll show you.

Uh...I found Mr Dunstan's
name and address

in Mr Keegan's - oh, here it is -
yes, in Mr Keegan's quarters.

Uh...did you know Mr Keegan
knew about this apartment?

No, as a matter of fact,
I didn't know.

Lieutenant,
I don't mean to rush you -

You didn't know, and he knew.
Well, how did he find out?

Sir, do you think
he could've been following you?

I can't imagine that Lester
would be following me.

Lieutenant, don't think
you're intruding more deeply
on my personal life

than the situation warrants?
Well, sir, we hate to intrude.

But now, we have
to consider Mr Keegan's flashlight.

His flashlight?

His flashlight, sir.
The night Mr Keegan died.

Do you see the problem?

To the window.

You see
where we found the flashlight?

Underneath this lip of rock, sir.
Like an anvil

hanging over the flashlight.

Now, how did the flashlight
end up under that rock like that?

The explosion uh...we'll see
if I can make this clear, sir.

This is the explosive pit.

Now, the explosion
couldn't have blown it over here.

This is the rock, sir,
and this is the lip.

How did the flashlight end up here,
underneath the lip?

How did it get there?

Your point seems a bit strange,
Lieutenant.

Well, sir, flashlights,
they don't go flying around

all by themselves. Not dirt
and leaves under Mr Keegan's collar,

and not flashlights.

That's why we did a second autopsy.

Lieutenant, you seemed quite certain
all of this was an accident.

Well, sir, nobody wanted it
to be an accident more than me.

You wouldn't even want to think
about the paperwork for murder.

Murder?
It certainly was a murder, sir.

The second autopsy, we found
a knife wound in Mr Keegan's heart

where he was stabbed.
I'm sorry, sir,

we have to face that now.

I see.

It all seems so inconceivable.

Poor Lester stabbed to death while
I enjoyed myself with the General.

So many violent men in the camp
that night.

Well, we'll just have to leave
all this in your capable hands.

Good luck with your paperwork.
We'll just have to manage, sir.

I'm sure you have a lot
of other things to think about.

Oh, Colonel, would you mind
if I used your washroom?

Lieutenant, I do have an engagement.

I'll just be a minute, sir.

Is there anything else
I can do for you, Lieutenant?

Uh...no, sir.
I can't think of a thing.

No, I'll be running along.
We'll talk again soon, Colonel.

I'm sure we will.
Uh...

try and have a pleasant afternoon.

Right then, it was touch and go.

Colonel Brailie would've
have settled for the soldiers
without the books.

But the books without the soldiers,
there goes the big surprise.

Sounds like a remarkable evening.
And this is a remarkable sherry.

The General's best, sir.
Lieutenant Columbo?

Ma'am.
I see Warren's taking care of you.

Even telling me stories, ma'am.

Come and join me over here.

May I pour you a cup of tea?
If it's all the same, Mrs Padget,

I'll just enjoy my sherry.
Please do.

I'll only take up a minute of your
time on my way to see your husband.

Well, this is very nice.

When a policeman comes calling,
I'm sure it can't be all that nice.

Mr Keegan's accident -
the Sergeant Major -

he was murdered, ma'am.

We know that now for a fact.

That's a very brutal fact,
Lieutenant.

This sherry is delicious, ma'am.

Even the glass is beautiful.

You see the glass?
The four frosted stars.

It's like all that crystal
over there in that cabinet

for a four-star general.
They were a gift from the army.

I saw a glass like this
earlier today, Mrs Padget.

In an apartment
kept by Frank Brailie.

For what you might call
intimate occasions...

..with a woman.

He was expecting her.

A married woman.

Am I to understand
that you're implying

some insulting connection
between me and a wine glass

and some love nest
of Frank Brailie's?

Well, four stars,
that's very unusual, ma'am.

Like, if you'll forgive me,

like special wine glasses a woman
brings to a furnished apartment.

You'll forgive me, Lieutenant.

On any number of occasions, Frank
Brailie could've taken the glasses

from my home. He could've
borrowed them, stolen them,

treated them as a gift.
I have no intention

of continuing
this offensive inquisition.

Don't make me stop you, ma'am.

If you'll look at this, please.

It's a travelling toothbrush
from Mr Brailie's bathroom

in the apartment.
And the fingerprints, Mrs Padget...

..everybody's fingerprints
are on file. Almost everybody.

Would you want me to say whose
fingerprints we found on this? No.

That won't be necessary.

Why in the name of God
are you doing this?

I'm sorry, ma'am. There'll
just be a few more questions.

Were you aware that Mr Keegan
knew about the secret apartment?

No.

Nobody knew.

Mr Keegan knew. And now, he's dead.

What I need, ma'am,
was there anything else?

Any other kind of secret
he might've known?

Maybe about the Foundation.

The Special Projects report.

Anything you could help me with.
No.

My husband was interested in
the Special Projects report.

That's all I know.
Well, that's it, then.

I'll just take this way
to the pool house.

Lieutenant.

When you speak with my husband, will
find it necessary to mention this?

No, ma'am.

Good night, ma'am.

(KNOCKS AT DOOR)

Lieutenant Columbo, sir.
Come on in.

Lieutenant, I'll be with you
in a a moment.

You just carry on, sir.

The French have a say, Lieutenant -
"the older you get,

the worse things are".
Self-pitying nonsense.

But at my age, I find myself writing
so many letters of condolences

to the bereaved widows
of clam-brained generals

I never cared for
in the first place.

I suppose that makes me a hypocrite.

That's another word
for good manners.

What news have you brought me?

Well, it's about Mr Keegan, sir.

Anything about
the Special Projects report?

No, nothing like that, General.

No sign of anything like that.

But that brings up the subject
of your own feelings, sir.

Your interest in this report.
A place like the Foundation,

there must be plenty of reports
you never get to read.

Maybe you can tell me
what's so special

about the Special Projects report.

If I choose
not to answer your question -

Well, sir,
it's a policeman's question.

We expect to get our answers.

The Special Projects Fund
is discretionary.

And I wasn't aware of that
until recently.

When you deal with
other people's discretion,

that leaves a hole for the Devil
to pop up.

And I think, perhaps,
he's already poked his nose out.

You mind if I took a look at this?

That's hardly necessary
for an accident investigation.

Well, General, I'm sorry
to have to tell you this...

..but it's not an accident any more.

Your friend, Mr Keegan. We now
know that Mr Keegan was murdered.

Murdered?
Murdered.

That's a completely
different kind of investigation.

And there'll be more questions.

I don't know why you are telling me
these things.

That's police business.

I can't help you.
There's nothing I can do.

It's terrible.
I understand, sir.

And we'll talk another time.
Yes, please.

Good night, General.

Who is it? Who's there?

Jack.
Ah, Jenny. Good.

I want to talk to you.

I want to talk to you too.

I saw Lieutenant Columbo.

He told you about
all this...awful murder business?

Yes. And some other things...

from his investigation.

The things we have to talk about.

This is no concern -
Please, Jack, don't look at me.

Not yet. Lieutenant Columbo
knows what I have to tell you now...

..about someone in my life.
A relationship

I swore you'd never know about.

A man...

I could never care for the way
we care for each other.

Jenny, you're a young woman.

Strong, lovely.

Full of needs
that I can't provide for you.

You really believe that I...

..haven't made
any allowances for that?

I never wanted to hurt you, Jack.
Ssh.

You've been
the most loving companion

that I ever have been blessed with.

And for the rest of it, I want
to thank you for your discretion.

And now if you need
to tell me who, when, where,

I beg of you, don't,

with all my heart, don't.

Please, Jenny. I couldn't bear it.

# ORGAN

Are you the investigating officer?
Yes, sir.

Lieutenant Columbo.

Marty Tanzer.

I just want to wish you
the best of luck.

You're the only one here
who wished me good luck, sir.

Any particular reason?

Keegan was an old friend.

May I ask when you saw him last?

Seven years ago.
Since I've been in Washington.

Seven years.
Well, thank you very much, Sergeant.

Seven years,
except for the phone calls.

Any recent calls?

The last one on the morning
of the day he died.

Phone calls about what, Sergeant?
I can't say.

You can't say?

Classified. Mr Keegan
told you something classified?

I told him. (COUGHS)

Military intelligence.

Right.

Military intelligence.

Can you tell me?
I can't.

The police. I'm the police.
You can the police.

I can't talk about it.

(SIGHS)

If you ever see your way clear
to talk about it...

..give me a call.

How about now?

I've got them in my hand, Colonel.

Yes, sir. In the shredder.

OK. And I give Lieutenant
your message.

All right.

I'm sorry, Lieutenant. Colonel
Brailie isn't available today.

Ah, well, that's too bad, ma'am.

These fortune-telling sticks,
I got to have a lot of help.

This one, ma'am.
This is either a Wei,

which means a father
is having trouble with his son.

Or it's a Kun, which means
a young fox just crossed the river.

I'm not too sure about the Kun part.

And then, there's all this
about Yin-Yang. What's a Yin-Yang?

No, it's Yin and Yang, Lieutenant.

I think it's the tension
between opposites.

Like black and white,
light and dark.

Sweet and sour.
Hot and...

Is this a Special Projects report,
Lieutenant? Yes, ma'am.

I'm reading that.
Did that come from Colonel Brailie?

Oh, yes.
Definitely from Colonel Brailie.

Did he give you the old report
or the new report?

Wow, that's hard to say, ma'am.

What do you think?

Well, the old report
was in the red holder.

So the red letters on the grey cover
must be the old report.

Unless it was the grey cover
in the green holder.

Well, that'd have
to be the new report.

Or maybe it was vice versa.

Unless it was the other way around.
In which case

this would go here.

Well, this is the red cover
in the red holder, ma'am.

Otherwise, it'd be opposite,
like Yin and Yang.

Please, Lieutenant,
don't get me confused.

Now, let me have the red holder.

You're not supposed
to have the red holder, anyway.

The grey cover with the red letters
goes with the new report
in the green holder.

If the green holder had
a report with the green cover,

we'd know exactly where we are,
I think.

So this report
also goes with the green holder.

Now, the red holder has the red
cover with the black letters and...

Lieutenant.

Lieutenant? Lieutenant?

(DOORBELL)

Good evening, Colonel. The General
will be pleased to see you.

Is he in the pool house?
No, sir.

I'll tell him that you're here.

Thank you for coming.

My pleasure, sir.

You got the wrong report.
This is the one

you weren't supposed to see.

Is that all you can say?

I try to protect you
from these things, Jack.

Your Special Projects?
Here and there.

Africa.

Illegal gun running!

Foundation funds.

Arms transfers.

That's what our beloved sponsors
really hope they're buying.

Just a little blood. Don't you know
that? Secret little excursions

beyond the law.
Secret guns for secret friends.

In the interest of our country.

Spinning your foreign bank accounts.

A dollar for guns, a dollar for you.

All wrapped up
in the Foundation flag!

A thing like that, Jack,
if it ever comes out,

even General Padget
could get chewed up in the machine.

A co-conspirator.

Or...an inept fool.

Any preference?

Just one.

To see you in prison.

Any price, any cost.

You go to hell.

General, you'll do
what you have to do. In the end,

you'll beg me
to take back that report.

For Jenny's sake.

Jenny?

Do you really want me to admit how
many times she's made love to me?

How many afternoons
in our own apartment?

In our own bed.

The Devil's in the details, Jack.

Shocked people
love shocking details.

What we said to each other.

What we did for each other.

If you open up
the Special Projects Fund...

..well, that
doesn't give me much to lose.

What you lose, what Jenny loses...

..well, that's up to you, sir.

Isn't it?

Jack!

Advise him, Jenny.

I think you would want this back.
Don't!

Whatever he says.

I won't have
any further need for it.

And copies, sir.

Lieutenant Columbo's copy
is on my desk.

Thank you for understanding.

Perhaps you'll be good enough
to fix me a cup of chocolate?

You know how I like it.

Colonel Brailie.

I was hoping
we'd run into each other again.

And here you are, sir.

I see you've found
the I Ching stick.

Is that the Kui symbol, sir?

Yes, Lieutenant.
It appears to be a Kui.

Well, the I Ching book
was very baffling about the Kui

Something about a culprit
who walks on his toes

because the police
are looking for him.

Why would he walk on his toes?

Why would the police
be looking for him?

I think it's a, kind of, warning.

Like the shrunken head, sir.

Yes, Lieutenant,
much like a shrunken head.

Well, I'll certainly
bear that in mind.

I'm sure this is
what you came here for, Colonel.

Your Special Projects report.

And I know that you're anxious
to be on your way,

so good night, sir.

Good night, Lieutenant.

All the things in that report -
the arms and all,

the foreign bank accounts -
Mr Keegan, he never saw the report,

but he did know about those things,
sir.

Do you think
that's why he was murdered?

What do you think, Lieutenant?

Well, sir, the way I see it...

..there's Mr Keegan
getting telephone calls

from an intelligence friend
in Washington about the Foundation

and about the guns to Africa.

And Mr Keegan, he needs a new job.

And I have
to consider that maybe Mr Keegan...

..the best job he could find
would be in the blackmail business.

Somebody at the Foundation.

And the blackmail, that would be
the motive for the murder.

Would you agree with me on that one,
sir?

A possibility.

Unless you're implying I was
the target of Keegan's blackmail.

Oh, no, sir.
I'm implying more than that.

I'm implying
that you murdered the man.

Well, I'd better walk on my toes,
Lieutenant.

I was here when Lester was murdered,
remember?

I spent the evening set up
all of this. Hardly a trifle.

Oh, I can see that, sir.
Hours of work.

And right there...that's
where you got me beat.

Your alibi, sir.
It's a perfect alibi.

How can I even begin to make a case
with an alibi like that?

I'm glad you agree.

You know, Colonel, the way
we always agree with one another,

that's amazing, considering the fact
we really don't like one another.

Would you agree with me on that?

I think I'd have to agree.

You see, we agree again.

What would you say about this, sir?

I'd say it looks like a toy soldier.

I found him. You want to know where?

If you like.

Right here, sir,
is where I found him.

The day after the murder.

Behind the Civil War books.

By this bookend.

Do you see where I found him, sir?
Yes, Lieutenant. I see exactly.

Well, that's very confusing.

That's puzzling, sir.
I don't know what to make of it.

According to the General's orderly,

the carton of books
came in the morning.

And the soldiers
were delivered at night.

Am I right?
I'm afraid you are, Lieutenant.

Then, if the books came first...

how did the soldier
end up behind the books?

Ah, I sense a trap.

Maybe a woman sitting on a well,
sir.

Lieutenant, I used this shelf...

..to group my soldiers.

I didn't put the books there
until all this was done.

One errant soldier got left behind.

This one.

Well, that would explain him, sir.

But then, there's all these books.

You see?

All these Civil War books
that you ordered for the General.

I'm perfectly aware
of the Civil War books, Lieutenant.

Do you plan to borrow them?
No, no, no, sir.

Nothing like that.
Would you give me a hand, sir?

Since you insist,
the books in the box.

Well, there it is again, sir.
Interesting.

You see how interesting that is,
sir?

The books?
And the carton.

It won't close. There's
too many books for the carton.

Well, obviously, there's
a proper way to pack the books.

No matter how many times
I tried to pack 'em,

it always came out the same.
That's because that box,

that a two-cubic-foot box.

I measured that.

And the books...

..I measured those
at 2.9 cubic feet.

You see that, Colonel Brailie?

2.9 cubic feet of books.

How could they
fit into a two-cubic-foot box?

Well, they can't.
I don't care how you figure it -

metric, litres, kilograms, whatever.

But that box...

This carton
marked "military miniatures",

that'd be toy soldiers, sir.

Don't patronise me, Lieutenant.
This box, sir,

this is a 3.1-cubic-foot box.

You see that?
It says it right there, sir.

And the MacAdam booksellers,
they sent me another set of books,

just like those in that box, there.

Exactly the same.

And there they are.

But the books,
they can't fit in this box, sir.

That's a scientific fact.

And from this scientific fact,
you deduce?

Well, I'd have to say, sir,
that the books,

the night Mr
Keegan was murdered,

the books were
delivered here in the evening

in that box marked "soldiers".

And this box -
the one marked "books" -

the box you opened in the morning,
sir,

I'd say this box
had to have the soldiers.

So you could set 'em all up here
ahead of time

for the charge of Cemetery Hill.

And that evening,
you went to the training camp

and you murdered Mr Keegan
without an alibi, sir.

You murdered him
with no alibi at all.

Unless jurors managed
to pack all those books in that box.

You think they could ever do that,
sir?

I expect they'll have difficulty,
Lieutenant.

I seem to have misjudged myself.

And you.

I'm curious,
when did you suspect me?

Well, as long as you ask, sir,
that first day

in Mr Keegan's quarters.

When I found you
scrubbing my mud off the floor...

I thought that was peculiar
for someone as arrogant as you are.

If you'll excuse me, sir.

Oh, there's still one more thing.

Our lost soldier. Where
do you think we should put him?

It hardly makes any difference
to the battle, Lieutenant.

It already seems to be lost.

Well, sir,
this one's on the side that one.

Did I read your rights, Colonel?
I forgot to read your rights.

I have the card somewhere.

I know it's in here.

In this pocket,
not the other pocket.

Gee, maybe I forgot
to bring it again.

Ah, here it is.

subtitles by Deluxe

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