Original subtitles

You weren't supposed to keep a key. Do you have insurance cover?

We agreed. I can't keep a key to my own house? You don't live here now!

Let's just get this over with. I don't have a lot of time.

Freddy, what was so important?

We've got things to discuss.

My lawyer says he sent the final decree to you a month ago and you haven't signed it.

Why? I have got a date and I'm not ready!

And I regret that I ever agreed to this! What? The divorce?

No, not the divorce.

What's the big deal? Come back another time. No, Nance. I'm here.

I thought you wanted to get this over with.

I do. I just don't understand why it has to be NOW!

So, what time is the date?

Do you mind if I finish my hair while we talk? Go ahead. Thank you! You're welcome.

(OVER HAIRDRYER) I haven't signed

because something's missing from the papers. Can you hear me?

Freddy? Can you hear me?! Loud and clear.

Why did you renege? We agreed you had to pay your debt. Hm.

What? You mean OUR debt?

No, I mean YOUR debt. You borrowed that money, not me.

I mean, you just had to have all that equipment. Wow...

We discussed this, Freddy, and you agreed.

I thought, "Great," but then you change your mind.

How many times do we have to go over the same thing?

It never fails. Just when I'm ready to go out, something comes up.

Ha! I hate being rushed. Five bucks.

Did you say something?

This isn't just me talking but my lawyer.

The debt was acquired by you, on your own, as an individual. All me.

Geez... Prior to our marriage! Yeah, by about six weeks.

What?

Oh, my God... Freddy, I can't hear you if you don't speak up!

Freddy! Come on, eleven...

Come on, come on... Come on, eleven. Please, please.

Yes, come on! Give me eleven!

Eleven, eleven, eleven...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Yes!

Freddy?

Lottery? Uh-huh. How'd you do? Not bad. I picked three. I won $5.

Do you play? No.

I think your hair looks nice that way.

It's one thing to split our assets 50-50 but why should I go

50-50 on your debt? It was never my obligation.

Well, that's not the way I see it. That's obvious.

The money I borrowed was so I could set up a photography business

which we lived on for three years.

It's the same business that I still break my back trying to run.

It's the business that allows me to pay you money every month

while we argue over this divorce that YOU wanted!

It's the same business that bought this house, your robe, this chair,

these ridiculous slippers! Freddy!

No, if you don't see it that way, fine. I'm not gonna fight you.

I'll spend as much on legal fees as if I just assumed the total debt.

So it's over, OK? Divorce granted. I'm going to change the papers.

Good night, good luck. Have a nice date, have a nice life.

Freddy!

Here, hold it.

That's it. Touch it.

Feel it. Feel the history.

From the year 1674 from Mother Russia.

A gift to the tsarina at sweet 16 from her father.

A total of 18 carats of emeralds.

The setting is platinum, of course.

The artistry is magnificent, you can see that.

The craftsman must have been an inspired man, certainly God-gifted.

Ms Weatherford, Mr Weatherford,

this is more than a unique piece of jewellery.

It takes my breath away, Mr Lamarr.

And the education of the grandchildren.

Our grandchildren have parents, thank the Lord,

and all gainfully employed the last time I looked.

It's a real nice piece, Lamarr. Let us think about it.

As you wish.

Education of his grandchildren!

Doesn't that fat-head realise he'd be buying an investment?

What does he think this is? A fish market?

Am I losing my touch or is it just the recession?

The message from your broker came in. You want to see it?

Yes, I want to see it!

The broker's secretary said to tell you that he'll be in his office -

I'm dead broke.

I'm broke.

God...

Uncle Leon?

I got a problem.

Ach... I got a big problem.

You're the only person I've ever been able to trust.

You tell me one of your problems, I'll tell you one of mine.

At the end of the day, if anyone's left standing, they win a prize.

OK. Can I start? Go.

Um, I just won $30 million on the lottery.

Yes, I can see how that could be a problem for you(!)

I'm serious. I'm sure(!)

Look at me. I'm serious, as God is my witness.

I just won Wednesday's lottery. The jackpot was $30 million.

No-one else has the winning numbers. It's all mine,

every penny, every cent, mine.

I got proof.

Well...

Well? $30 million.

$30,435,885 to be exact.

Doggone, this is amazing. I find it hard to grasp. You're telling me.

$30 million, all going to my little nephew, Freddy Brower.

My favourite nephew. I know that for a fact, Uncle Leon, no arguments.

Ha ha ha! Well, Freddy, my boy,

for once in my life, I find myself at a loss for words.

You don't have to say anything. I know how you feel.

You said you had a little problem here. You're kidding me?

No, sir. I got a little... $15 million problem.

You've lost me now. Nancy.

Nancy? What's she got to do with it? We're not divorced yet. What?

If I go down there to collect the money,

half of it's gonna wind up in Nancy's personal bank account. Oh.

Would you agree I have a little problem? Let's take a walk, Freddy.

I think better in the fresh air.

Tell me, Freddy, who else have you told about your windfall? Nobody.

Nobody at all? Nobody. I've been in a daze since Wednesday.

I don't know if I've eaten or slept but I do know I haven't told anybody.

That's very good, Freddy. Very good. What are you thinking about?

A switch. A switch? Substitution.

What do you mean?

It's not exactly legal, I'm afraid, but I think it's the only solution.

Let's hear it. I cash in the ticket...

You? Just as if I'd bought it. I get the $30 million.

And then? And then...

I give the money to you.

We can do that? That would work?

Why not? I don't know.

Yeah, I guess it would.

Wouldn't it? It's not really that complicated.

You give me the ticket, I cash it, the lottery people give me the money and I give it to you.

And Nancy never has to know.

Bingo. Alright.

This is good. I like it.

Would you rather have all the money now while you're young

and you can get the pleasure out of it? Yes.

Or have it dribbled out to you over 20 years? No! I'd like it now while I can enjoy it.

That's your prerogative, Freddy.

It's your money. You can do whatever you please.

As a matter of fact, I know some people who might be interested in a transaction like this.

'Course, it could take a little time.

I could broker the deal myself, get a few dollars for my trouble.

I'll take care of you, Uncle Leon. 10% off the top.

That's very generous of you, but I - But nothing.

I don't want to hear any more about that, OK?

As you wish. Many thanks. Forget it.

OK.

You really think this will work? I do.

You sure? I am.

OK.

Er...

I think, though, that maybe we should have something in writing.

I mean, an informal agreement about what we're doing in case...

Uncle Leon dies, clutching the ticket in his rigor mortis hand?

Uncle Leon... 'Course I'm gonna give you a letter.

I wouldn't do this unless you had a written agreement.

Now, I gotta know all the details in case they ask me some questions.

Like... where did you buy the ticket? What day? What time?

# I'm in the money!

(HUMS)

# I'm in the money...

(TV) A great show for you tonight.

I can't wait to meet my special guest, the only holder

of the $30-million lottery ticket!

The only one! You realise what that means?

He doesn't have to share the money with anybody!

Except maybe his wife. Unless he wants to sleep in the bath tonight!

Wow! OK, time for a few requests, impersonations of famous celebrities.

Freddy! (KNOCK AT DOOR)

Freddy! Freddy!

Did you know your uncle's on television?

Oh, that's the show! Yeah, I was sort of watching.

Is that champagne you're drinking? Er...

Don't get up. I know where you keep the glasses. Trish, the door...

Freddy! Your uncle is on the tube! Oh, God...

Champagne! Great!

Hey, everybody, there's a party in Freddy's place!

Come on! Freddy's uncle just won $30 million!

(ITALIAN)

(MOUTHS SILENTLY)

Introduce me to your uncle! What would he want to meet YOU for?

Congratulations! Way to go! I'll get more glasses.

Ginty, could you control your creature?

Relax, Freddy! He's cute! Those are my photographs.

What's the matter? He's having a good time, not bothering anybody.

Right, Georgy? Yeah, sure.

(ITALIAN)

What did she say? Momma thinks you got a nose like an artichoke.

I love an old lady who speaks her mind.

I'd love some champagne!

Freddy, do we have a problem here? I think I might have one more bottle.

Hey, the MC just finished his monologue. He's applauding himself.

Hurry, Freddy! Your uncle's already loaded, isn't he?

Huh! The rich get richer...

YOU should have won the lottery. You could use it. That's life.

Yeah! Being broke!

Can you imagine winning $30 million?

I can imagine spending it.

What's your uncle like, Freddy? My uncle is a great guy.

Let's hope he's a great guy to everybody!

Let's see how great a guy he is! Absolutely. Bring him on down.

Freddy, aren't you just a wee bit envious of your uncle?

I have my art. What would I do with all that money?

(TV) Ladies and gentlemen, here's the moment we have all been waiting for.

I don't know about you folks but it's the biggest cheque I've ever seen.

And it all belongs to... Leon Lamarr!

Leon!

To Leon, the greatest uncle a guy ever had.

To Leon!

Way to go...

Your daughter wonders if she can buy the sports car she showed you?

The red one? She didn't mention the colour.

You tell her if it's the red one it's alright.

The Society for Homeless Pets would like to honour you. Pass.

A group called Geese for Lithuania... Geese?

Maybe they meant Peace. Pass.

Freddy Brower called. What did he want? He swore it wasn't money.

Bless his heart. It'd be the first one today.

He wants to talk - not an investment opportunity, not a charity.

Could you meet him some time this afternoon?

This afternoon is impossible. I'll call him on the way home. Alright.

The Reverend Hyut-Sung Kim - Pass.

(TIMER PINGS)

(PHONE)

Hello. "Freddy!" Hey, how you doing?

Just fine, Freddy, just fine. How are you?

Well, tell you the truth, I'm going a little crazy.

How so, boy? Are you kidding?

I'm about to get my hands on $30 million

but in the meantime I gotta borrow money to pay the rent.

You think that's easy? So what's the word? What's our timeframe?

Probably a couple more weeks, Freddy. Two more weeks?

They weren't gonna let me cash in that cardboard cheque you saw on TV.

Seriously, if you hadn't wanted me to make the cash-now deal...

I know, I know, I know. But...

"I made the contact. The deal is in the works."

Listen to me, old son, you're gonna have to dig down for more patience.

Two more weeks and you're gonna be a millionaire, boy, many times over.

You just think about that.

I am, Uncle Leon, I am.

You better believe I think about that

every minute of every hour of every day.

Lord, have I been busy today! You have no idea, Leon, none!

Community meetings, charity banners, political fund-raising...

It isn't as though I wasn't active before we won the $30 million.

Darlin', don't you find it surprising

that we have suddenly gained a large number of new and wonderfully close friends?

Remarkably surprising, but I've got an idea on that regard.

I am all ears.

Not all, sweetie. Naughty!

How about a party? Wonderful! I love parties.

To celebrate our new-found wealth and our delightful new friends.

Perfect. When shall we do it? Halloween?

Costume party? What do you think? Stunning idea! We shall have fun!

Should we have a theme?

How about "come dressed as a millionaire, other than yourself"?

Wonderful! Brilliant! I love it!

Halloween! That's only two weeks from now.

I have got to get myself going.

The invitation list, the parking...

Oh, sir, I am positively overwhelmed with your presence!

Enjoy your bath, baby. You've got plenty of time.

Merci beaucoup. Thank you. Thank you, sir.

Oh, my. Beautiful. Thank you!

Thank you.

Oh! Honey sugar! Thank you so much!

You're welcome. That is splendid.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Long time no see, Uncle Leon!

How you doing, boy? Am I disturbing you? Anybody here? No, come on in.

You look beautiful. What are you, a doorman? I'm King George!

So where's the money?

I thought a toast would be in order, your Lordship. Ain't that the truth?

Hey, who is this? That's Joe.

How you doing? I'm chimp-sitting for a friend who's on vacation.

Where's the money? Downstairs, in the trunk of my car. You're kidding?

My German Shepherd is in the back seat. Oh, OK, that's good.

Do you know how long it took me to count that money, boy? Not too fast.

Well, now, I'd like to have that letter of agreement back.

The what? That letter we both signed.

Your insurance policy telling what we were gonna do with the ticket.

Oh, that? Yes. That's under the mattress.

Good choice.

Now, Your Highness, would you like me to open this bottle?

You bet. I'll get the glasses.

(CHATTERS)

(CHATTERS)

(CHATTERING)

(WALTZ PLAYS WITHIN)

(MUSIC CONTINUING)

(GRANDFATHER CLOCK CHIMES LOUDLY)

Ah...!

You're the most beautiful queen of my heart. Come here.

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

That's my wife.

Is my pleasure.

Oh, sweetie, thank you, glad you could come.

Your Excellency, I'm honoured.

(PHONE)

Hello? Yes, just one minute.

Mr Lamarr - it's your nephew, sir.

Leon, hurry back.

Yes, Freddy. Anything the matter?

That's fine, ten o'clock's fine.

Sure. We'll barely be getting started then.

You bet.

"Well, hurry up now."

I love you, Leon. I love you so much.

(MAN) Hi, Leon.

It's Freddy. He's going to be late, honey.

Sure, I mean, that's a frightening thing.

But you're gonna be OK.

You're gonna be just fine.

Just take it easy and relax.

That's... right,... that's... good...

You have such a wonderful, natural way with wild animals, Lieutenant.

A very unusual and attractive quality in a man.

I wouldn't exactly call this guy a wild animal. Well, I meant not a purely domesticated creature

like a dog or a cat.

I like animals. As do I, Lieutenant.

We have that in common. Which is why, when I heard poor little Joey here crying,

I just had to try to do something.

You would have done as much, I'm sure. Oh, I hope so, ma'am.

So that's when you came down and knocked? Mm-hm. But the only response I got

was from little Joey here. That's when you called the police, is that right, ma'am? Trish.

Yes, I think it was just about eight-thirty. Thank you, ma'am.

Trish.

I live just down the stairs, Lieutenant.

I'm a poet.

A poet? Oh...!

And a potter. Uh-huh.

AND a potter. Well, uh, I'm going to have to check something with the boys, so...

Oh, certainly. Do you think that you could - Oh, here, of course.

He took my badge...! Joey...!

He lifted that badge and I never felt it!

You could be a real menace in the street, baby.

Oh, if I can be of any further help, Lieutenant... Thank you very much, ma'am. Trish.

Trish.

He drowned in the tub? Yeah. Taking a bath, slipped. Hit his head. Yeah,

happens all the time. Taking a bath, OK.... Well, there's the soap.

What's this? Bath oil, yeah.

Washcloth, alright, good.

No, uh... backbrush?

No. You guys use a backbrush? No. No.

You don't know what you're missing.

There's his pants, his shoes...

No socks? Hamper.

Oh, yeah, socks. Good, OK.

Bath oil. Right. We're thinking that's how he might've bought it. Wouldn't have been the first one.

Bath oil clings to the porcelain, victim climbs in - Or out. Foot slips out from under him, wham,

down and out. Well, look at this...

You got something there, Lieutenant? "Skin conditioner - best used AFTER the bath."

You may be right, but not according to this guy. The washcloth was bone dry. Well,

we figure he slipped as he reached for the cloth,

dropped it as he fell backwards. Uh-huh, could be. But then he'd be getting in. Oh,

look at that watch. Yeah.

8:04

Medical examiner'll probably be able to confirm the time of death around there. Uh-huh?

Just wanna check.

Well, whaddaya know about that...?

OK. Bag that and get it down to the lab immediately. No problem, Lieutenant.

(CHUCKLES)

Aw...!

Lieutenant, turns out this guy is in the middle of a divorce. Is that so? Wife's name

is Nancy Ellen Brower.

Her address, her phone number, his lawyer, her lawyer,

interlocutory, last year's tax return - doesn't look too nasty,

but then again you can't believe lawyers' letters. No, you can't. Yeah. The phone company called

with your information that you wanted - Brower's last call was made at 8:01 tonight. 8:01?

That's just three minutes before he, uh -

Yeah, makes you think, doesn't it? Yes, it does.

Yeah, here one minute and gone the next. Call went to a Leon Lamarr,

Beverly Hills. The call was under a minute.

Here's his address and his phone number.

Look, Cleopatra! Oh, yes, wonderful!

Oh, and Colonel Sanders!

John, is that the chicken?

I haven't the foggiest idea. Who am I? I forget.

Now, THAT'S imaginative. Oh, that's particularly good, sir, bravo!

Who's HE supposed to be?

An eccentric millionaire, silly.

It was a perfect condo, with a beautiful view.

St Peter said to this old couple, "It's yours for eternity,

rent-free." Well, the wife was deliriously happy,

but her husband groaned and made a terrible face.

She said to him, "Elmer, sweetie, don't you like heaven?"

"Like it?" he said - "Hell, I love it."

"If it hadn't been for you and that damn oatbran

we could have been here ten years ago." Only clean one I know.

Oh, look at that UNUSUAL costume, Leon!

That's Mr Lamarr in the King George costume. Isn't HE clever? Certainly unique.

Excuse me, sir. I understand that you're the host of this party.

Leon Lamarr. I don't believe I know you, sir.

No, sir, no, you don't. No, I'm - I'm with the police.

That's not for real, is it? It certainly looks real. Oh, it's real, sir. That's me, there,

Lt Columbo, LAPD. Have we been getting too rowdy here?

Oh, no, no. No, sir, no.

No, I wonder, could we find a place a little bit more private?

Sure.

What's on your mind? Not serious, is it, Lieutenant?

Sir, did you receive a telephone call this evening

from a man named Fred Brower?

Freddy? My nephew?

Your nephew? Yeah. Why? Has something happened?

What time was that call? Around eight o'clock?

Yeah, about that. And what was the purpose of the call? Well,

he called to ask whether he could be late to the party. He was coming here? Tonight?

Yes, he was invited. What is this?!

Was there an accident? Uh, it would appear that way, sir, yes.

What do you mean, appear? Tell me what happened! I'm afraid it's bad news, sir. What?

Your nephew is dead. I'm very sorry.

Oh my... God...!

No...!

I - no, I just spoke to him. He - well, how did it happen?

Was it a car accident? Had he been drinking? Was that it? No, sir, no.

It was an accident in his home, in the studio.

Apparently he was taking a bath and he slipped and fell

and... hit his head. He drowned.

Oh, dear God...!

I can't believe this.

Freddy was my favourite nephew.

He's more than that, he's...

..like a son to us.

Freddy dead... How am I gonna tell Martha?

I just... Freddy...

He is my brother Laurence's son.

His only child.

Laurence and his wife, Betty - that's Freddy's moma - she was killed in a plane crash

when he was just a kid, 13 or 14.

Poor little thing, he just fell apart.

Martha and I tried to step in, we... we tried.

God, what a tragedy.

Does Nancy know? Would that be his wife, sir? Ex-wife.

No, sir, no, she doesn't know yet.

Maybe I should tell her. I think it probably would be better for us to do that, sir. Yeah,

you're right. She probably won't even shed a tear.

It was a terrible marriage. God knows whose fault it was.

Poor Freddy...

Poor... innocent, irresponsible,... wonderful Freddy...

I'm very sorry, sir, to have had to bring this very sad news.

I can find my way out.

Lieutenant Columbo? Oh, Mrs Brower?

Yes. You've come about Freddy, haven't you? Uh, yes, ma'am.

I heard late last night. Evidently one of the tenants in the building contacted a mutual friend of ours

vacationing in Cancun. Meyer McGinty. He's the gentleman that owns the chimp? Yes.

And Meyer called me. I see.

Um,... ma'am, can you tell me, um,... what do you get for a nightgown

like this here? 425 dollars.

425 dollars... Well, I don't think that she'd be able to sleep in anything that expensive. She?

My wife. We're gonna celebrate our 25th anniversary, it's coming up. Congratulations! Thanks very much.

I was thinking along the lines of, well, lingerie, y'know,

something she wouldn't ordinarily buy for herself.

I know exactly what you mean. Uh, so it's 425?

Mm-hm. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Alright, I'll think about that. Uh,

this here is... on the outside?

Mm-hm. It's - it's a robe.

A robe? Well, it's actually more of a peignoir.

Peignoir... Uh-huh.

And, uh, this is the pyjamas here?

That's right. Uh-huh.

425. And that's for everything?

Complete.

OK. Well, I'll think about that and, uh,

I'm sorry I got sidetracked here because I know this is a bad time for you, ma'am,

and I'm sensitive to that. Lieutenant, I think you should know,

Freddy and I had been on the skids for a long time

and we were never Romeo and Juliet. I can't honestly say I feel a great loss.

Does that make me sound dreadfully cold?

I'm sorry if it does, because I'm not a cold person.

When's the last time you saw your husband, ma'am?

Oh, let me think. Uh, about a month ago, I believe.

He came over to argue a legal point in our divorce papers, then left. I can't even remember

if we accomplished anything. And that was the last time you saw him

or spoke to him? Yes. Do you know what I'm thinking, Lieutenant? What is that, ma'am?

If I'm not mistaken, 25th anniversaries are sterling.

Sterling?

Oh, that's silver? Yes.

Oh, I never checked on that. I'm almost positive. Silver...

Well, maybe I should change my plans,

throw the lingerie out. You could always do both.

Silver and silk go rather nicely together.

Don't you think? Oh, both...

425... Uh,

plus...?

200 for the bracelet. Yeah?

Plus tax. Uh-huh.

(MAN) Alright, folks, keep moving, don't block the sidewalk. Thank you.

Keep moving.

Bucks for Ducks. Donate a buck, save a duck. Save the environment. Bucks for ducks.

What's going on here? Move along, please, let's keep this pavement clear. He's with us.

What's going on here?! It's about a little ticket worth 30 million dollars.

I'll be a son of a gun...

THAT'S why he seemed so familiar.

I came to ask him myself where have I seen him before! Lamarr! Leon Lamarr!

I saw the guy get the cheque on TV!

Well, it had to be the costume. Cos I'm talking to him

and I don't know he won the 30 million dollars! I don't recognise him.

30 million bucks, ooh...! I gotta tell my wife about this.

Mr Lamarr? Oh, give me that hand.

Lieutenant! I wanna shake the hand that picked the $30 million ticket.

Oh... Congratulations. Thank you. How does it feel? Great, just great.

I'll bet it does. Where were you when you heard the news? At home. You were watching on the TV? No,

fact is I wasn't watching. No...! Really? I was going over my bank statement. TV was on, but...

I looked up when they called the number and I said, "Golly,

what... the number..." You didn't see any of those balls that - No, never did. You didn't?!

But they called the number and I looked at my ticket. Sure enough - You! Me.

So what did you do, what did you say? I sat there, stunned. Then I started yelling.

So what did you say?! "Honey?!"

"Honey?!" That's my wife. "I won! I won!" I was yelling.

But she wasn't there. No?! No, my son was there. Goodness...! I said, "God, boy!"

We kissed each other, cried a little bit. I said,

"Sonny boy, your daddy is the luckiest man in the world." I can second that.

That's a hell of a story. Listen, the reason I came here to see you

was that I wanted to ask you about a watch. Alright! Any particular one? Uh,

your nephew's watch, sir.

Freddy's?

Yes, it was a Le Sur. That's a good choice. Right here.

Oh, yeah, there it is. Yeah!

That's it, the exact one. That looks like the exact same one. A Le Sur 2600.

You're considering one of these for yourself? No, sir, I'm afraid that's too much watch

for me to handle, but your nephew, when he had his accident, was wearing his. Here.

It'll just take a minute, sir.

You see, sir? You see how that crystal there is broken?

Apparently when he fell, the watch stopped working.

I suppose it could happen that way. It was guaranteed to be waterproof,

but not if the crystal is compromised. I'm afraid, sir, my problem is not

that the watch stopped working, but why he was wearing it. What do you mean by that? Sir,

your nephew's watch is a counterfeit. Huh. That's impossible. I'm afraid it's a fact, sir.

See, I looked on the other side and there's no serial number there. Yes? You see, sir.

Yeah, see that. Not like on this watch? Right. Probably all these watches here,

they got serial numbers. Quality watches, they have serial numbers?

Absolutely. Well, but there was none on your nephew's.

I sent it to the lab, they come back with a report that it's worth about $100!

That baffles the hell outta me. I... Must be a mistake. I'm afraid not, sir.

I'm afraid you're not hearing me, Lieutenant.

I gave that watch to my nephew as a gift.

I gave it to Freddy. He'd always wanted one but he'd never be able to afford it.

It retails at $3,000 and I gave it to him a year ago on his 35th birthday.

Are you and suggesting I really gave my nephew a $100 knock-off? No, sir,

nothing like that. What are you driving at, then? Well, isn't it possible

he might have needed money and he sold it? Freddy always needed money, true.

Isn't it reasonable to think that, feeling about you the way he did, he wouldn't want you to know

that he'd sold it?

Yeah.

He could have bought a counterfeit cos he knew probably I'd never see the back of the case

and never suspect it was not the original. Yes, sir. Coulda happened that way. I'm sorry,

Lieutenant, I was curt to you. I apologise. No harm done, sir. Getting back to my question -

Please, yes, sir. We noticed it was a fake Le Sur, we established that.

My question is this - since it was a fake

and since a fake is not waterproof, wouldn't you think Freddy would know

not to wear it in the bath?

Mr Lamarr? You don't wanna be late for your luncheon appointment.

Excuse me.

Could Freddy have been planning to take off the watch

and slipped and fell before it could? I suppose so, but - Lieutenant, had he been drinking?

I mean, it's no secret he had a little problem in that area.

According to the medical examiner's report, sir, yes, been drinking pretty heavily.

The booze could explain why a man forgets to take off his watch.

Might also explain why a grown man slips and falls and drowns in his own bathtub.

Yes, sir, it might. I think it would. Thank you for the time, sir. With pleasure.

Mr Lamarr?

Don't spend it all in one place! (CHUCKLES) Funny man...

God, I missed you. Yeah.

I need you so bad! Me too.

Do I have to go to the funeral? Whatever you want, my darling. A detective came by today. Routine.

He won't be back. He was cute. I kinda liked him. I'll bet he liked you too. (GIGGLES)

He's having his 25th anniversary.

I told him it was sterling.

If he comes by maybe you can sell him something expensive - we need the money.

You're the devil in disguise. Takes one to know one -

Uncle Leon...

There are no roses now, They're gone with the sun.

No twinkle of fireflies To signal day is done.

Come - mourn the end of love Extinguished with the light

Awake from the ruined dream Into never-ending night

(SOBS) My little baby...!

(SPEAKS ITALIAN)

Oh, heavenly Father, we are gathered at this final resting place.

We share the sorrow, grief and the memories

to bid farewell to one of your children.

In so far as we are all your children, we share the sorrow of his unexpected departure

and the fond memories of his brief time amongst us.

Our grief is tempered with the firm belief...

Nancy has a nerve being here after the way she treated poor Freddy!

Well, I'm sure it can't be easy for her either. I presume that she's the uncle's wife. Yes.

She's a wonderful person. Whose side are you on?!

I'm not on anybody's side. ..we humbly seek Your blessing and Your everlasting mercy.

Amen. Amen.

Would some of Freddy's friends or relatives like to share some memories with us? I'd like to.

Certainly.

I'm Leon Lamarr, Freddy's uncle.

But Freddy was more than a nephew to us. My wife Martha and I practically raised that boy.

It is impossible for me to believe that I'm standing here and Freddy's in this box.

Now that he's actually gone I just remember all the baseball games we shared together -

how excited Freddy would get when the Dodgers started to win,

how he always laughed at my... naughty jokes.

Mama...

I guess that's what they call today... male bonding.

But Freddy and me,

we called it... being buddies.

Good buddies.

So long, old buddy.

Oh, Mr - Mr Lamarr?

I believe they wish to be alone with their grief. Sir? Now,

unless someone else wishes to share their memories of Freddy, the service is concluded. Thank you.

Excuse me? Sir?

Maybe he's a friend of Freddy.

Excuse me, I'm from the Los Angeles Police Department.

How do you do, sir? How do you do?

And you, sir, I'm assuming that you're a friend of Freddy's.

I just wanna ask you one quick question -

did he ever mention to you his intention of buying a car like this?

No, no, no, that's not possible. Believe me, he don't even have the money for room rent. Well,

that's what everybody tells me. You're very welcome. My pleasure to meet you, ma'am. Very nice.

It makes-a no difference if he's-a married.

He don't want to meet your niece!

Oh, with her piano legs...?

It's a breathtaking car!

As you can see, it's a most unique automobile.

(SMALL EXPLOSIONS)

(CREAKING)

Shouldn't jam up like that when it's sunny. I want to ask you, sir, um -

gee, I hope I didn't lose that thing.

I'm sure I - oh, here it is.

Um, I want to ask you about this car.

Sorry, we don't take trade-ins.

Could we step inside? Do you have an appointment? Appointment?

I don't think that... I need an appointment.

(ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS)

# Where have all the flowers gone?

# Long time passing

# Where have all the flowers gone?

(OTHERS JOIN IN) # Long time ago

(MORE JOIN IN) # Where have all the flowers gone?

# Young girls have picked them, every one

# Oh, when will they ever learn?

# Oh, when will they... ever learn?

# Where have all the young girls gone?

# Long time passing

(HALF-SINGS, HALF-SPEAKS) Where... have all the young girls gone?

# Long time ago

# Where have all the young girls gone?

# Gone for husbands, everyone

# Oh, when will ever learn?

# Oh, when will they... ever learn?

Hey, that cop is here.

What cop? The Lieutenant.

He's in the closet. In the closet?!

Yes!

Lieutenant?

(STOPS PLAYING) Hi, everybody, I didn't mean to intrude,

I just didn't know everybody was gathered here. Oh, it was sorta spontaneous,

we all just drifted up here and started sharing memories.

Can I help you? Oh, no, ma'am, I'm fine. Looking for something in particular?

No, just a coupla loose ends. Otto...? Oh, by the way, Drop it! you might be interested -

Freddy was really gonna buy that $175,000 car.

No, that's not possible. Freddy couldn't afford the parking!

No, it's really true! I just spoke to the salesman.

He picked out the colour. Where'd he get-a that kind of money? A rich uncle. The lottery winner.

(CHATTER CONTINUES)

Just when he's about to have a really terrific car,

he gets zapped, just like that... (CHATTER RESUMES)

Freddy was a big beer drinker, wasn't he? Oh, he loved-a to drink beer. He loved it TOO much.

Yeah, six-pack a day, that was Freddy's way!

(CHATTER)

Then how come he bought a case of champagne?

That must've cost him seven, eight hundred dollars.

A case?! Well, how do you like that?!

He was holding out on us! He only bring out-a the two bottles, I remember. (CHATTER RESUMES)

(BACKGROUND CHATTER CONTINUING)

Hey, let's take a group picture.

I'd love one! This is Freddy's and it's got film in it! Great! (CHATTER)

The Italian policeman don't-a steal-a no pictures.

Moma, behave yourself or no Jay Leno tonight, eh?

Andiamo.

Lieutenant, will you take a picture? Alright. It's Freddy's camera and a good one,

so - Alright, here we go.

OK, everybody, here we go.

Cheese on three... One,

two! Cheese!

Sugar, I don't like those earrings all bunched together like that, it's tacky. Yes, sir. Otherwise,

everything's about perfect, wouldn't you say?

Get outta there!

I can't hear you.

I can't hear. I don't know what you're saying.

(CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY) What the hell was that all about?

No, no, spread 'em all over the case.

Alright.

Excuse me, sir, I'm pressed for time. I got an appointment at the vet's.

I wanted to know - is that charm bracelet sterling silver? Interested in sterling, sir?

I'm told that the traditional gift for the 25th anniversary is sterling silver.

Is that true? I don't know if the proper gift for the lady that you've shared 25 years with

is a metal worth only $4 an ounce. How many ounces we talking about? Let me show you something

incredibly beautiful. Oh, no, sir, thank you, but I'm really pressed for time. Alright. OK. Although, uh,

gee, if we made it fast... Pull this one out right here. I do have a question about your nephew.

I'll make this quick, sir, it's not a big thing.

I was looking through your nephew's telephone bills

and I'm must curious about something. Mm-hm? Last month

he made eleven calls to your shop here in Beverly Hills,

but on the previous month he only made one. Can you account for that?

Freddy's behaviour's not that complicated.

When he didn't call me it's because he was making ends meet.

When he did it's cos he needed some money.

That's why he made all those calls last month? Yes. He needed money? Oh, yes.

Well, that don't add up. You gotta problem with that? Yeah, something's missing here,

cos on the 20th, the day he called you for money, that boy ordered a $175,000 automobile.

What? Who told you that?

The salesman, sir. Oh, yeah, Freddy, he'd selected the colour

and he was gonna have it delivered in Europe. In Switzerland. In Berne.

Don't pay any mind to that.

That sounds like Freddy, sure does. He could do that. I mean,

he was in the clouds. It was all fantasy. You mean he'd make things up? He told me

he was going on tour with Madonna

as her photographer. Not true? Made it up. No kidding. Ask Madonna! Well, I'll be a son of a gun.

So this whole thing about the automobile, that was all in his mind? Listen,

he'd rent a Rolls-Royce for the day - see? - so he could go and look at houses for sale.

These are three, four million-dollar houses.

He'd have people walking through all the rooms, taking pictures.

He wanted to know if there was room in the back to build a tennis court. And he had no money? Not after

he rented that Rolls. He was broke! And it's sad. Because Freddy was talented. But mixed up. Yeah,

he sounds mixed up. Listen, thank you very much for this information. I'm gonna run along, sir.

Do you remember the name of the...

..real estate agent that showed him those houses? It's Mary Sedge or something. In Beverly Hills.

I'll think of it, give you a call. Much obliged, sir.

Mr Lamarr? Wonderful things you said at the funeral. Very touching.

Thank you. Oh, one more thing -

uh,

I'm gonna have to make this fast, sir.

Freddy bought a case of champagne. I checked with the liquor store,

it was on the same day they made the liquor call to you - would he spend $520

on a case of champagne and on the same day call you up for a loan?

Well, that surprises me.

But I suppose he could have, being Freddy. Cos this wasn't a fantasy, sir.

I mean, he actually bought the case of champagne.

Yes, I hear you, sir. I just wish I hadn't.

Well, I appreciate that, sir.

Once again, thank you for the time.

I'm sorry, sir, just one more thing -

your nephew planned on coming to your party? Yes, sir. And he called to say

to say he'd be late? Yes. It was a costume party? You were there. You tell him? What?

Did Mr Brower know that your Halloween party was a costume party?

I'm sure he did. Why? Well, it's probably nothing, sir,

I'm just trying to understand why, if he was planning on coming to your costume party,

why he didn't have a costume.

He didn't? In his studio, sir, on the night of his death - no costume.

You sure about that? Oh, quite sure, sir. I even went back after the funeral.

They were having a wake. I searched again and - no costume. Since it was Freddy,

doesn't surprise me. See, costumes cost money.

And he was an imaginative boy. I suppose Freddy was just gonna wear some of his old clothes

and come as an eccentric billionaire like Howard Hughes. Howard never wore anything fancy.

You remember at that party I thought you were in costume

when you were wearing your own clothes! Good point, sir. Yes, sir. That explains it.

Much obliged. My pleasure.

Kiss.

What does a grateful woman buy a gracious jeweller for a gift?

Anything in the store at half-price.

My dear,

I think this afternoon we'll have to hold us for a while. You're not serious?

Your cute little busybody Lt Columbo is still snooping around

here and there looking for God knows what.

For a while I suggest we try to keep our distance from one another.

How long are you talking about? A day?

A week? Longer?

Long enough to come out of this alive and free.

We've got to exercise discipline a little bit.

Discipline? Yeah. You've got $24 million, Leon. After taxes.

Half is mine.

I want it.

All in good time.

But somehow I don't think it'd look right

for the Widow Brower's bank account to suddenly swell to 12 million.

Do you? In the meantime I'm sure you know that your share is completely safe with me.

Come on. Come on now.

Good evening, ma'am.

Do you have a moment?

Can I get you something to drink, Lieutenant? No, I'm - Diet soda, mineral water - No.

One quick question. Wanna sit down?

It's about your divorce.

Mm-hm?

You remember when we first met, it was in a lingerie shop?

You were telling me about your marriage

and how for six months you've been going through a difficult divorce

and cos of that you couldn't honestly say that you were feeling any deep loss over Freddy's passing?

That you really wanted that marriage to be over? It was true. I don't doubt that, ma'am -

that's what's bothering me. What? Why didn't you sign the divorce decree? Honestly?

I didn't like the communal debt clause.

The communal debt clause...

But your husband's attorney told me that Mr Brower signed and mailed a copy of the final decree

on October 2nd and that he had eliminated the communal debt clause.

And your attorney told me that you got a copy of that document on October 4th,

almost a month ago. And you never signed it.

I see.

Well, yes, I suppose that does need to be explained, Lieutenant.

Have you ever gone through a divorce, Lieutenant? Heaven forbid.

I hope for your sake you never do. All that... tough talk, Lieutenant,

fades like a blush when all of a sudden the doorbell rings

and somebody hands you this very imposing legal document called Final Decree.

And there's your soon-to-be ex-mate's signature

already in place.

And the only thing that's missing,

the only thing that keeps the door from closing on a chapter in your life,

which you personally, royally played your part in blowing all to hell,

is your own John Hancock.

Well, let me tell you, Lieutenant,...

..it gives one pause.

I didn't sign the final decree, Lieutenant,

because I couldn't bring myself to admit that what was being granted was what I actually wanted...!

It's funny... how we often learn things about ourselves...

..much too late to change them.

Oh, Freddy...

(PIANO MUSIC)

(PHONE)

Hello?

Hello-o-o...! (GIGGLES)

(Are you insane? I asked you never to call me at home.)

(LOUDER) You should direct this call to the office.

I'm still your ex-niece-in-law, Leon.

Is speaking to each other a criminal offence? Why did you call me here?

Why are you listening to that terrible music? Come to the point. The Lieutenant called me today.

What about? "The final decree." I don't understand. What are you getting at?

Freddy,... the miserable, back-stabbing louse,

changed the divorce papers the way I wanted them

and signed them the same day he won the lottery - October 2nd.

They were sent to me two days later. You signed 'em?

I couldn't, Leon. If I did, we'd be divorced.

And then he wouldn't have needed you - darling...

But what did you tell Columbo? (GIGGLES)

I was brilliant, Leon.

Probably even better than you.

I told him that when I saw the final decree

I broke down. I got all weepy and sentimental

and just couldn't bring myself to sign because deep down inside

I was probably still in love with Freddy

and didn't really want the marriage to end. Think he bought that bowl o' mush?!

I think I almost had him in tears.

He's coming up on his 25th wedding anniversary.

This is a man that understands love, Leon. Maybe.

But Leon,...

..could I just have - hmmm - a COUPLA million?

"(LAUGHS)"

'Night - hon...(!)

(MUSIC CONTINUING)

(VARIOUS) # For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow

# For he's a jolly good fellow... Which nobody can deny #

Been up to the river lately, Mr Lamarr? I've been trying to get up there, do some fishing,

but what's suffering is my golf game. Happy birthday, Mr Lamarr.

Well, Lieutenant, it's not my birthday -

this is an unexpected thank you from my staff and I appreciate it.

This year we're gonna have our Christmas bonus early.

You deserve it and I'm proud to give it to you.

How often do you get to work for a $30m lottery winner as nice as Mr Lamarr?

(ALL) Aw...!

Thank you, sugar, that's sweet. This is for you, sir, a souvenir. Oh! Thank you very much!

That's the winning number! That's right here on the cake too. I gotta tell you a story -

the damnedest thing that ever happened to me. I'll never forget it

as long as I live and you'll find it interesting. I was at Freddy's, his friends were there,

having a wake and, uh... Do you mind holding this, sir?

They suddenly wanted to take a picture and they handed me Freddy's camera...

..and I'm fooling with this thing here and suddenly...

I couldn't believe it. Sir,

see if you see what I saw.

Do you see it, sir? No?

Look in this area here.

No? Nothing?

OK.

If you cover up these two and if you read from the right -

4, 5, 6, 8, 11, 16, the first six numbers - they're the winning lottery number! That's right. So?

Well, you can imagine my shock when I looked out of Freddy's camera

and I saw the winning lottery ticket. It was like something that happened in a dream.

What is that? Was that a coincidence?

Is that what it was? It's not a coincidence, because I gave this camera to Freddy

and taught him how to use it. I make damn good pictures myself. I'll show them to you sometime.

These numbers are second nature to me - Sir, what you said, I believe that was right -

it was no coincidence.

We're closed, sir. Sorry. Come back another time.

Thank you. 'Bye-bye.

Is Miss Brower still there? Somebody for you, sweetie,

but you still have time to duck out the back if you want. May I talk to you? It's important.

I'd better see what he wants. See you in the morning. OK, 'bye.

Thank you.

I have some very unsettling news

and I'm afraid I don't know any delicate way to approach it.

What news, Lieutenant? It's about your husband.

What, Lieutenant? I don't understand -

what could be worse than the news that he was dead?

The fact that he was murdered.

Are you alright?

Yes.

Would it be better if we sat down? No, I'm - I'm fine.

I mean, it was just such a shock hearing you say that. I mean - Freddy murdered?!

Why would anybody wanna murder Freddy?!

That's a very interesting question. Isn't it?

We have nine thousand dollars. Would someone offer ten thousand?

Ten thousand on my right. Bid on the lovely turn-of-the-century brooch.

Would someone make it eleven? Eleven thousand.

Is twelve offered? Twelve, anyone?

No. Going once for eleven,

going twice... and sold for eleven thousand dollars.

The next item is number 19 in the catalogue,

an heirloom 40-carat diamond necklace of exceptional quality.

We shall entertain an opening bid of $300,000.

I have $300,000 on my right. $300,000 is the bid.

I'm looking for 350.

I'm looking for 350. Do I see 350?

I have 350 as bid by the man in the aisle.

I'm looking for $400,000.

May I have $400,000? Well, I have $400,000 on my right.

The bid is $400,000. I'm looking for 450.

May I have a bid for - I have $450,000 from the gentleman in the raincoat.

You're not bidding, are you?! He's not bidding! Were you bidding?

Bidding? He wasn't bidding! Were you bidding, sir?

Bidding?!

No, I - Please, sir, you mustn't wave your catalogue. Please sit down.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me repeat once again -

please, unless you intend to make a bid,

do not gesture with your hands or catalogues. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Ssshh! Please! And now item 20 -

earrings of a most unusual nature. How far am I going on this one? Up to 800,000.

I didn't know. It does create confusion. I can see that,

that's why I don't go to these places.

My wife, she bid $80 for a footstool made out of coffee cans. Can you imagine that? No. I can't.

She bids 500,000. Do I hear 550?

650,000 dollars.

(GENERAL MURMURING) Silent bids, please, Mr Lamarr.

Does anyone care to respond? I'm looking for $700,000.

No? Going once, going twice,

sold to Mr Leon Lamarr.

Nicely done! Thank you, ma'am.

( MAN) Bravo! Bravo! Very kind of you, sir. Congratulations, glad you got what you wanted.

Is it so important, what you came here for? Very important, sir.

I called your office. They told me you were here. I'll thank 'em(!) They said

I could've left a message, but - Great. Well, sir, it was too - too personal.

It has to do with your nephew. Hm-mm.

Sir, there's reason to believe that your nephew's death was not accidental. In fact,

there is reason - Just a moment?

Jodie,...

..was I bidding on this? No, sir, this is 1469.

You said you were lukewarm on it.

Yeah, I remember.

What was it that - that you - you were saying that it wasn't an accident?

I don't think so, sir. I think it was... Do you wanna know what I think?

Hold your hat. I think it was murder.

Murder? What the hell are you talking about, man?!

What in heaven's -

Going once, going twice and sold for 500,000. Come on, let's go.

And now item 21 in your catalogue,

the beautiful Oriental jade pendant

set in pure platinum with 22-carat gold filigree.

I've an opening bid of $100,000.

Jack?

What are you saying, murder?!

Who would want to murder Freddy? What did he ever do to anyone? You said he slipped in the bath.

I don't think he slipped, sir, I think he was placed. What is that supposed to mean? Well,

it means that whoever killed him first knocked him unconscious -

Detective Stroller, Mr Leon Lamarr.

How do you do, sir? How are you? I mean, whoever killed him knocked him unconscious first,

then they undressed him. Jack, you don't have to stand there holding that.

Put it down there.

Whoever killed him, sir, they knocked him unconscious first, then they undressed him,

then they dropped him into the tub. How do you even come up with an idea like that?

Do you have anything to substantiate it, establish such a horror story? You mean,

in a courtroom, sir? I mean right here now to me. Where were you, sir, that night?

I don't know where this is leading, but I don't like the sound of it. I'd appreciate an answer. Well,

you know the answer. Why ask the question? No, I don't. Trying to irritate me, then? No,

not at all. Cut the bull here! Please! Mr Lamarr? Sir? On the night Freddy died,

you were at your house. I know that, yes. I saw you there. Exactly.

But that was after nine o'clock. I don't know where you were at seven.

Oh, I see, Lieutenant, I - well, at any o'clock I was home.

Home all night? The whole night.

At your party.

Wearing a costume. You weren't.

No, sir, I was wearing my suit. People thought it was a costume. Yes, sir.

That thing you were wearing, was that an English king, sir? It was King George.

Remember? Boston Tea Party. Boston Tea Party - yeah, that rings a bell.

King George... Yeah, I remember now. King George... Was this the costume you were wearing, sir?

Is there any significance to these questions?

Because - I would appreciate it if you would identify it, sir. This the actual jacket? Hell,

I don't know. Let's see.

Same material. Yes,

same colour. Size 44? 44, right.

Looks like it would fit. Yes. That's the jacket, yes. And the pants, sir?

Yes. The pants, yes. The socks? Well, you couldn't be sure about the socks. No. And the shoes?

Couldn't be sure. No.

Couldn't be sure, no. Bit like the socks.

And this thing here, sir?

Is this something you wear around your neck? A medallion, worn around the neck. OK.

OK, sir, we're almost finished.

I just gotta show you a couple of photographs that your nephew took.

You'd be surprised. He's a pretty good photographer.

I'm not surprised, sir, I said he was very talented. Yes, sir.

Does anything strike you in these, sir.

Well, there's a chimpanzee right there in all the photos.

He's a friendly guy, isn't he? Yes, sir. Likes people. Right. Was this taken at Freddy's studio?

It's hard to tell, no background. Well, in this one, the photos on the wall -

I'd say it's his studio. When was the last time you were there, sir? I don't remember.

Now that is a lie. A what?!

Jack?

You got it, Jack? Got it.

That's a blow-up of a fingerprint that was made at Freddy's studio

and I'm afraid, sir,... it places you there on the night of his death.

I'm afraid you're a fool, Lieutenant.

I've been to Freddy's many times - I'm not surprised you'd find my fingerprint.

But I am surprised that you'd try to use that print

to place me there on the night of his death. Where'd you get that idea? That's not fingerprint.

That's the chimp's.

And I didn't find that fingerprint on Freddy's doorknob.

And I didn't find it on his refrigerator.

And I didn't find it on the sink.

But on this medallion, which was hanging around your neck.

We know the chimp was in the studio on the night of the murder. Now we know YOU were there.

Two things that did you in, sir -

this badge...

..and those photographs. Here the chimp's going for a lady's bracelet.

And here he's got a man's cigarette case.

And here he's going for the lady's earrings. And on the night of the investigation

he was grabbing this badge.

What do these things have in common?

They're all shiny.

And they're all metal.

Just like this medallion.

(GRANDFATHER CLOCK CHIMES)

Hello, Leon.

What are you doing here, Nancy? Oh, Mrs Brower, well, thank you for coming.

I wanna thank you for your co-operation. Co-operation, uh?

I hope it hasn't been too unpleasant for you. I was told you had something to tell me, Lieutenant. Well,

like the jokes, there's good news and bad news. Which do you want first? The bad. The bad news is,

Mr Lamarr here is gonna be arrested for the murder of your husband. Oh my God! Leon! How COULD you?!

Huh!

And what's the good news? That you've just inherited the better part of $24m after taxes.

What? It wasn't Mr Lamarr who won the lottery, it was your late husband.

Even though you were in the process of getting a divorce you were still legally married

at the time of the draw. I get the money?! All of those millions. It'll be a cold day in hell... Leon!

You lying, treacherous bitch. You sold old Leon out. Wanna see some co-operation, girl?

I'm gonna show you some co-operation. Who was it pretending to be Freddy

calling me from the studio that night? Leon! His own darned wife.

You wish I was as dead as Freddy, don't you?! Leon! I hate you more than your wife will!

Alright, book him! Leon! Book him. Leon! Ooh, I'm gonna get you! (LAUGHS) (COMMOTION CONTINUES)

G'night.

Y'know, Jack, I was thinking about my wife's anniversary gift -

she got enough jewellery. She got two ears - how many earrings can she wear?

What we need to do is spend more time together, just the two of us. I'll take her on a trip. That's nice.

Getting away on a cruise ship? I was thinking more like camping out in the woods, going fishing,

cooking over a fire - how's that sound? To me, great. You sure your wife likes that stuff?

My wife would rather get dressed and go out dancing. Y'know, on second thoughts,

maybe I oughta have our old car repainted.

Jack, it's 25 years, I oughta do something special.

Your car or her car?

I didn't hear that.

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