Original subtitles

So your husband the Doc's waiting outside for me to take a fix, huh?

You're to give him the signal?

He comes in, gives me a fatal dose.

Got it all worked out, doesn't he?

Oh, yes. He's parked a Renault car where your body goes over the cliff in his car.

And when it blows up,

not even dental charts will be able to prove who or what was in the car.

Mm... You and your hubby really had a scam going, didn't you?

Yeah.

Until YOU came along.

So your husband dies.

And the grieving widow gets the insurance.

You meet him in Europe and live happily ever after.

The only change of plan is... he's going to die.

And this grieving widow meets her lover in Europe and lives...

Happily ever after. Now it is time to give the signal, babe.

(CHUCKLES)

(TV) Barbara Baylor, suspected of the murder of her husband in Washington DC three years ago.

Duke Dimarco has a history of arrests for armed robbery and drug possession.

If you see Barbara Baylor or Duke Dimarco, please call our Crime Alert hotline.

OK, hold it there one... Coming up on one...

Hold it.

Take one.

With your help we've captured 32 dangerous criminals.

And Crime Alert thanks you.

Remember,

keep your eyes open and stay alert.

And take him down now.

Dissolve the logo.

Dissolve it.

And roll it.

We're taking a call from someone who thinks they've got a location on our child molester.

Terrific!

Great show. I've got some people for you to meet.

Betty, Martin and Tina. They're big fans. Great to have you here.

Great show, everybody. That last segment was a real ratings grabber.

Tomorrow we do the tri-state robbery segment. Production meeting, my office, ten o'clock.

(OVERLAPPING TALK)

Get tomorrow's script, will you?

Deadlines! We should do a segment on how this show is murdering me.

Last year you make documentaries. Now you got a top network show.

Just last year you were a glorified security guard.

Security EXPERT. Oh, I stand corrected.

Lucky for you that you were working for Jake Salzberg at the right time.

Luck? Jake wanted the best. That's why he called me when his wife was being hassled by that crazy fan.

Notes and homework. And when he picked me to host the show, once again he made the best choice.

You certainly take a lot of credit for this show.

The brass is ecstatic over the audience reaction to me.

I hope the big chief keeps you up on that cloud. He'll pull the plug if our ratings slip.

Max, I don't intend to let that happen.

So we're set for next week? Mm-hm.

Thank you.

Good work. Celebrity Profile magazine cover! That's great.

All my clients should be so easy to get a cover for. Enjoy it while it lasts. While it lasts?

It's gonna last, I can assure you that.

You just keep doing your part.

Don't worry, Wade. As long as your show's hot, you won't be able to keep me away.

Good to see you, Wade! Like the show? Love the show. Good to see you. Call me soon. Alright.

(OVERLAPPING GREETINGS)

Wade, your show gets better every time!

Good going! Thanks so much.

Get Monique to ask the Sheriff's Department what's holding up the photo on the Echo Park sniper.

Max, call for you from the FBI.

Oh, that'll be about the Miller kidnapping. We may have located those boys.

Contact the local affiliate and get a camera feed with pictures of the parents and the kids.

Alright!

Don't powder me too much. I just need a little here.

That's great.

Well, you certainly have done alright for yourself.

Still smoking four packs a day, Bud?

Do you need me for something?

Well, as a matter of fact,

there is something... Make it fast, Bud. I got a show to do.

Well, I, er... I think I have a story that you, er, that you might be interested in.

Well, let Henry read it, and if it's interesting we'll get back to you.

No.

I don't think so.

It's a very special story. For your ears only.

Bud... I would really rather you not smoke in here.

I just received a video from an old buddy,

with something he thought I might find... enjoyable. And he was right.

Bud, I told you... Polly does Houston?

Has a nice ring to it.

It's really something you should look at, Wade. Go on.

Oh. I see that I have your interest now.

I'm listening.

Turns out that our young film star gave quite a performance.

As did his underage co-star.

Not exactly Disney, if you know what I mean.

Why are you sharing this information?

Because I just couldn't forget the choice bits you laid on Salzberg

about my not having the right image for the show.

It was some hatchet job. It's not my fault you fell off the wagon again.

Not much in my background compares to yours.

What is it you want? You're not a stupid man, Wade.

Crime Alert was supposed to be my show. I have the qualifications.

19 years in this business. It was a lock and everyone knew it. Everyone?

Obviously not Jake Salzberg. He knew what I was capable of.

You were capable of licking the right boots.

You're smooth.

I mean, you're really smooooooth.

But what do you think...

that Salzberg and the rest of your adoring audience would say

if they knew you did skin flicks?

Our wonderboy crime-fighter?

Look, Bud... No, YOU look, Wade.

Cos if it gets out that you did skin flicks,

Get to the point! The point... is that you're gonna lose the show.

That's what the point is.

Of course, you do have a choice.

You can leave with your reputation intact.

I'm sure others out there would go for your particular brand of charm.

Or you can be... my lead story on the 11 o'clock news.

Which will it be, Wade?

Camera's ready, Wade. I'll be there in a minute!

Where's the rest of it?

Just polishing it on my computer at home.

We'll have to talk about this some more.

Privately.

Right now I've got a show to do.

Certainly.

We, er...

We can meet...

..tomorrow night at my house,

6pm.

Don't be late. I'll be there.

OK, people, we have 30 seconds. Get it moving.

Wade, what kept you?

Did you see Bud? I saw him.

Did he have a story for us? Story?

Why else would he come to see you? He's not exactly a fan of yours.

I didn't have time to see him now.

Hey, Wade. Are we going over the profile statements tomorrow?

I'll be at the production office. I'll do it myself. I can come in...

I can manage for once.

You deserve some R&R. Go and have a good weekend.

OK. Goodnight, boss. Goodnight.

Coming to my house tomorrow night? I'm making a new Jamaican dish.

Look forward to it. What time? Seven?

Black beans and demon rum? You got it!

Goodnight. Night.

(LOUD BUZZING)

I'm going to trim all the hedges this week, Mr Anders. Thanks, Juan.

Right on time, I see.

So tell me...

..just what have you decided?

You said you had a tape. I'd like to see it.

Prudent. I'll give you a private showing.

(RAUNCHY MUSIC)

I've seen enough. You can turn it off.

So... let's get down to business.

I think I've figured out a way to make this work out for both of us.

You have? I propose we share the show. You and I co-host.

Co-host?

No way. You've been in the spotlight too long already. I want you out of the picture completely.

Hear me out. There's no guarantee you'll get the job.

Even if I leave. With you gone...

I don't see any problems at all.

It isn't gonna be easy.

The following I have, you need me to pull this off.

I'll have to find a valid excuse to leave the show.

You're a very creative person. You'll think of something.

It'll have to be something the brass will buy.

Especially if I'm gonna tell 'em YOU'RE taking over.

Wade, I can't...

I can't breathe!

Help me!

I told you those things were gonna kill ya.

News at Eleven?

(INDISTINCT)

Oh!

Wade! Ooh, champagne! You certainly know how to make an entrance.

I put in a hard day and now I wanna celebrate.

Look who's here!

Hey, whaddaya say, boy? How are you?

Alright, back off. Gotta go to work.

You're a real friendly boy, aren't ya?

Oh, you're a GIRL!

You know, you've got more life than my dog. Yes, you have!

Yes, you have!

What happened here? Her name's Sheba.

Sheba?

Hey, that's a nice name, Sheba.

My name's Randy. Hi, Randy.

Lt Columbo.

Are you a real lieutenant?

I'm not Dick Tracy. Look at this. That real enough for you? Wow!

Randy, I gotta go to work now.

Bye, Sheba.

What've you got, Sgt Lewis?

Name's Bud Clark. Newscaster on KRVA.

Oh, yeah! I seen him lots of times on the evening news.

He's gonna be making the news instead of reporting it.

George? This is the way you found him?

Uh-huh. No signs of violence, no obvious wounds.

We'll know more after the autopsy.

But he looks a good candidate for heart failure.

Right age. Had to be a stressful profession.

Obviously a heavy smoker.

The victim was found at 4.30am by a neighbour, Mr Eric Larson,

who says the victim's dog was barking in the middle of the night. I gotta quit smoking.

This is crazy.

Um...

Anything else, George?

He probably died between six and seven last night.

Respiratory failure, possibly brought on by a heart attack.

It was unusual for the dog to be out at that hour. It's just a puppy, if you can imagine! Have you seen it?

Yeah. She jumped all over me. Very friendly. Go on, Sergeant.

After a while Mr Larson called the police.

The officer saw the body through the patio doors.

No sign of forced entry or struggle. The lab boys are here.

Did anybody else live here? No. Clark lived alone.

Housekeeper comes in weekdays.

Frank? Yes, sir? See if you can find an ashtray with more cigarette butts. I want to take a look. OK.

Alright, tweezers... George, you got tweezers?

Here you go, sir.

What's the matter, Lieutenant? Lieutenant,

I found this one in the bedroom. Thank you.

Sergeant, have the lab boys check out all these cigarette butts and any others you find.

And this one, the one on the desk, have that marked. What is it, Lieutenant?

These cigarettes on the desk,

they weren't smoked!

What do you mean?

Look.

No nicotine stain on the filter.

But these cigarettes,

in these ashtrays,

WERE smoked.

Notice the yellowish-brown nicotine stain on the filter?

Oh, yeah!

And look here.

Clean as a whistle. Get it to the lab.

You got it, Lieutenant. Frank?

Have you finished with the body, Lieutenant? Er, yeah.

Lieutenant, press is outside. They want a statement.

Tell 'em the usual. Yes, sir.

Anybody know how to work this thing? These machines, they baffle me.

What do you need? I wanna see the rest of this story.

Stop.

Seventeen-year-old girl disappears from a small town. OK.

Just want to check.

Seventeen-year-old...

Can you make a copy of that?

In a flash.

There you go, Lieutenant.

Hm...

Sergeant?

Check this out for latent prints.

How are you?

You're a girl, aren't you!

Aw, what, you wanna go with me?

I got something for you. My dog loves these. Here.

OK, down.

Did you do this?

Thanks a lot!

Gone all down the car.

I gotta go now.

Er...

Homicide?

You mean, it may not have been a heart attack?

Not necessarily. In a case like this we have to investigate.

Oh.

These machines are something!

And there's where you type.

Me, I can only type with two fingers.

This is Mr Clark's office? Yes.

Can I go in? Er, yes.

Oh, I see he has his own computer. Yes.

Did Mr Clark type his own news stories? Mostly. If he was close to deadlines, I'd type up his notes.

Notes? Yes. He kept notes? Yes.

Where'd he keep them? The tape recorder on the desk.

He used it everywhere he went.

Oh, so he would talk his notes. Yes.

People do that now. They used to write 'em.

The notes are in here? Yes.

There's nothing here.

The tape was there on Friday. I gave him a new one that morning.

Where is the old one? They're erased, then we reuse them.

Are these the news stories Mr Clark was working on?

Some of them. But all our news stories are logged on computer.

Could you show me? Yes.

Wow, look at all those stories!

Is there a particular one you're interested in? Roll down to Es.

"Evening in the Kremlin"

"Emergency in Pentagon"

(MUTTERS)

And that's the end of the Es.

Could Mr Clark have a story...

that wasn't on this list?

Escape to Death? I don't see it here.

It would have to be new one if it's not in the computer.

Thank you. You've been very helpful.

Oh, could you tell me when you saw Mr Clark last? Friday. He came in around two.

About three, he said he had to see Wade Anders.

Do you happen to recall when Mr Clark returned?

He was gone about 30 minutes, then he got ready to go on air at four. I left at five. Never saw him again.

Where can I find Mr Anders?

The main floor, where Crime Alert is.

Excuse me. We don't allow anyone in this area without authorisation.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Lt Columbo, Homicide.

You've got more equipment here than we've got at headquarters.

I'll get someone.

I'm Maxine Girard. You're Lt... Columbo?

Yes, ma'am. Boy, this is quite a place.

Seems you're better equipped than WE are. You have no idea how much paperwork it is just to get a phone.

That must be a problem. Lieutenant, we run on a tight schedule. What can I do for you? Oh, I understand.

I'm checking up on Bud Clark's death. I heard about it this morning. He was here on Friday. Did you see him?

Yes, he was here. He talked to Wade Anders, our host.

You don't have to tell me who he is. My wife and I love the show. If she could spot one of those suspects...

That's what makes our show popular.

I hope you all had a restful weekend because we have busy week ahead. Meeting in five minutes. You got it.

Mr Anders, could I speak to you?

Who are you? Wade, this is Lt Colombo, from Homicide.

It's a pleasure meeting you, sir.

I don't have time right now.

Give your story to my assistant. If we can use it, we'll call you.

Oh, no, sir. I'm here about Bud Clark.

Bud Clark. Yes, I heard. Something about a heart attack?

That's what we're trying to find out, sir. He was here on Friday?

It's been so hectic lately. Friday...

Yes. He said something about a story we might be interested in.

Did he say what it was about, sir?

No. I was called to the set. I told him to see my assistant.

I bet people always want you to use their stories.

We receive far more than we can use. We have to pick the ones we feel will catch the viewers' interest.

I can see it's very complicated. Wade?

The meeting? I'm just giving the Lieutenant a few minutes of my time.

Thank you very much, sir.

My wife's not gonna believe my meeting you.

She's a big fan.

The other day she thought the grocery clerk was a suspect on your show.

That's part of our appeal. The audience likes to get involved in catching the criminals.

You think some people could become vigilantes? Forgive me, Lieutenant.

You do your best, but resources are woefully inadequate to meet the rise in violent crime.

You could take some tips from us.

What can you tell me about Bud Clark? Were you aware of any problems he had? Coffee, Lieutenant?

Bud? He was alright. Good newsman, I think. Of course, he didn't like me very much.

He wanted my job. When he found out I was hired instead of him,

he told everyone I wouldn't last.

Bad forecast. Good thing he wasn't a weatherman.

He offered you his story. Bud didn't hold a grudge when it came to selling stories.

Wade, you ready? We have a meeting, then we wanna do a run-through.

I'm being summoned, Lieutenant.

It can be gruelling. So I see, sir. It's been a pleasure, Lieutenant.

Oh, Lieutenant, if I can ever be of any help to you, you let me know.

Appreciate it.

And tell your wife we'll look in on that grocery clerk.

It's a good thing you ordered a toxicology report, Columbo.

Why? Because that's the only way this can be traced. Really?

Acute nicotine poisoning. Three times the lethal amount,

Introduced through the lungs. Like smoking? No.

Nicotine in cigarettes metabolises more slowly. So it takes longer to kill smokers.

If it wasn't nicotine in the cigarettes, what was it?

Concentrated form. Nicotine sulphate

Highly poisonous.

Paralyses the lungs, the heart goes nuts, you're dead.

That quick? He must've died within minutes of ingestion.

Thank you, George. You're welcome, Lieutenant.

What's going on? Shh! Who are all these people?

Celebrity Profile. Mr Anders is being interviewed by Celebrity Profile?

Not just an interview. Wade's on the cover.

The cover! Hey! About your background -

you were a security consultant. That sounds like a Cinderella story.

I feel Crime Alert is the most important work I've ever done.

The show must be a responsibility. I feel an obligation to my viewers.

Our readers are as interested in you as in the show.

What's your reaction to all this?

Have I touched on something you'd rather not discuss? What?

No, no. I, er... I've got a lot on my mind. I'm sure you can imagine.

Now's the time to hit the break.

Henry?

Mr Anders?

Lieutenant. What brings you back so soon? I have something here, sir,

I'd like you to see. Certainly. In your office?

Right this way.

I hope I've got the right envelope. I've got so many of these.

We'll soon know.

Oh, dear.

Oh, yes! I've got 'em, sir. What've you got, Lieutenant?

News stories?

If you could just look at these?

You want me to read them? If you would, sir.

Out loud? That would be fine.

"Escape to Death"

"Hot Time for Slum Lord" "Overdose in Medical Center"

You didn't notice the other two are different from this one?

This one has upper and lower-case letters,

while these two are all in capitals. That's right.

What's the problem?

These were on Mr Clark's desk when we found the body.

Where you found the body? Right, sir. I don't understand the problem.

We found the story Escape to Death on the computer,

so it would appear that this story

is the story that Mr Clark was working on.

Yes, I would agree with you there, Lieutenant.

The trouble is, sir, that this story Escape to Death, wasn't typed the same as these other two stories.

Why is that significant?

I can't explain it, sir.

Oh, you can't explain it. I see. That's the problem. Yes, sir.

Maybe Bud typed that and his secretary typed the others.

Then the titles would still be the same.

There's no way for you to know this, but they all use the same format - Bud, the secretary, the newsroom.

I see. Yes.

Like these, all the titles in caps.

Hm. Hm. Can you think of some explanation?

Nothing comes to mind. No.

Oh, dear, dear, dear. Wait a minute.

Maybe somebody other than Bud typed that story? So,

someone other that Bud typed the story. Yes. Yes.

That could be the answer. Yes. Thank you, sir.

Ironic, isn't it? Sir? The title.

Oh?

"Escape To Death".

That is ironic. Isn't it? Yes.

I hope I've been of some help. You certainly have, sir,

and I appreciate your input. And thank you for your time.

Oh, Mr Anders? I forgot. Something I wanted to show you.

Could you step out here? It'll only take a few minutes. Two minutes.

What have you got here, Lieutenant?

Did you see what I just did? You just tore a page out of my printer.

Watch carefully. I'm gonna do it again.

Now d'you see what I mean?

You've torn two pages out and you're holding one.

But do you see HOW I'm holding it? Yes, I do.

I've tried every way I know and I can't tear a page out of this printer

without touching both sides. I don't understand the significance.

When we found Mr Clark's prints, it was only one side of the page

that was under his hand. Go on.

So if he'd pulled the page out of the printer,

his fingerprints would've been on both sides.

I think you're onto something. Thank you, sir. That's good work.

Coming from you that's a real compliment.

Keep me posted on your progress.

We could use some good material for our show. That'd be terrific.

I'll be sure to let you know. Do that.

Tell Max we're in perfect position.

We're in perfect position, Max. Good. "Ready when they are."

OK, the cameras are in place down here. SWAT team's almost ready.

They're just about to go down the front.

Max, we're in place and we're ready. Wait for my cue.

Cameras are ready. Roll on Wade in 15 seconds.

OK, everything's ready. This is gonna be good. It'd better be.

Any second now. Here we go! Three, two...

Today you'll see first-hand the capture of two suspects

profiled on Crime Alert last week. Due to a tip from a viewer,

we've led the police to a motel across the street

from where I'm standing.

Police! Open up!

Freeze! Argh! Argh!

Barbara Baylor conspired with Duke Dimarco to kill her husband

for the $500,000 insurance policy on his life.

I wanna thank the viewers who watch our show.

Because of you, criminals like Barbara Baylor and Duke Dimarco

can be taken off our streets. That's a wrap. How was it?

Max said they got it all. It's gonna be great.

Tell Max not to start editing till I go over it. Great show. Thanks.

Oh, a message from Lt Columbo. He can't see you today.

He's hot on a lead and will fill you in later.

He's bent on getting a case on our show. Everyone's out to make a buck.

They're coming out of the woodwork. Maurice is waiting to trim your hair

I'll head over there right now. Thanks, Henry. Lt Columbo!

Thanks, fellas. Great show.

Well, Lieutenant,

a little here, here, and off the top.

It'll make you look much more distinguished... and sexier.

My wife'd like that. Are you gonna take mostly off the top?

I'll trim the ends. Just the ends? For shape, body.

I got the same barber 20 years. I wouldn't wanna hurt his feelings.

We won't tell him. You'll love it. Not too much.

What are you doing here? How are you?

I just got a message that said you were following a hot lead.

It fell apart. Hot lead turned cold. Busted out on me.

But this morning I found this. And this is really good.

Cigarettes? Cigarettes.

Really? Maurice I need a little trim. I haven't got much time.

Sorry. Your hairdresser was giving me a few pointers on my hair.

By the way, what is the difference between a hairdresser and a barber?

Oh, about $50. (ALL LAUGH) That's a good one.

I'm gonna remember that. This is like the fingerprints

being on only one side of the paper instead of on both.

It opens up lots of questions. Really? I'd love to show it to you.

Sure, if it doesn't take too long. Two minutes, sir.

Mr Anders,

d'ya see the difference between these two cigarettes?

Yeah. But I'm not the guy to ask about cigarettes. I hate 'em.

You don't have to be a smoker, sir.

You can see the difference between these two. Sure.

This one was found in Mr Clark's ashtray, where we found the body.

But this was found on an ashtray in another part of the room.

Am I stupid? I must be missing the point.

These two cigarettes were put out in two completely different ways.

One was crushed, the other's twisted.

Exactly. Twisted, crushed.

People put out cigarettes in many different ways. That's the point.

Someone else was there.

Someone else was there?

Of course. That's good. Why didn't I think of that?

I don't know what this all means. It's food for thought.

Oh, definitely. This is something to chew on. Thank you, Wade.

Max is waiting. You go ahead, sir. I don't wanna hold you up.

Good. That's really good. Maybe YOU should host the show.

Fix his hair.

Lieutenant?

He's got a great sense of humour. Yes, he does.

What's this? "Presumed Innocent." What's that?

An audio book. Bud didn't have much time for reading

so he'd listen to the cassette in the car.

I read that book. That's a big book.

They got the whole book on this thing? No. It's a condensed version.

Kinda like Reader's Digest. Oh, that's great.

I should use that. First I have to get a tape deck in my car.

So is this all? As far as I know. Get me a tape deck in my car.

In the car!

"Pick up the dry-cleaning,

take a look at the station audios for the 11 o'clock news,

check Arnie's in Hollywood for background info on the porno film."

Hey, cutie, wanna show me what's under the, er, raincoat?

There you go, pal. Excuse me, sir. Wait your turn, buddy.

Hope we both have fun tonight, pal.

OK, what can I do for you? I'm Lt Columbo, Homicide.

Homicide? Hey, wait. I'm just a guy...

I just wanna ask you a few questions. Nothing to worry about.

Did you know Bud Clark? Yeah. How well? We served together in the army.

You were friends? We didn't exactly travel in the same circles,

but in the Service we were close. Whenever I needed him he was there.

I'm real proud of his success. Did you send a tape to Mr Clark? Yeah.

"Holly Does Houston." Holly does what? It's a porno film.

Holly Does...

Houston!

Ohh!

I get it. OK.

Came across it in boxes in the back. Forgot I had it.

Figured Bud'd get a kick out of it. As far as I know

it's the only porno film Wade Anders ever made. Anders? He did a porno?

Gave quite a performance, if you know what I mean?

Well, whaddya know about that?

Why would you think that Mr Clark would get a kick out of that film?

Anders aced Bud out as host of the Crime Alert Show. Did a hatchet job.

I figured he'd get a laugh out of seeing Mr Clean in a porno film.

Did he know you sent it to Bud? I never heard a word.

D'you have a copy? Has it anything to do with Bud's death?

You never know, sir. You gotta check everything out. Yeah.

I'll have to run you off a copy. It's an 8mm. Anything for Bud, Lt.

Wait in here. Mr Anders should be with you any minute. Thank you.

Be brief. He's due at a rehearsal for the TV awards in an hour.

He's getting one of those statues?

No, he's going to be one of the presenters. We're very excited.

Wow, this is some office here. Look at all this stuff.

And that rug, that must cost a bundle.

Oh, Mr Anders doesn't allow anyone to smoke in his office. I'm sorry.

If you need anything, I'll be at my desk. Thank you again.

(WHISTLES)

(CLOCK CHIMES)

Mr Anders, two phone calls. Nothing important.

And Lt Columbo is waiting in your office. In my office?

Lieutenant. Hey, you and the Governor. That's pretty good.

It was a very special day for me, I can assure you.

I'll bet it was, sir.

I was admiring your desk.

Isn't it an antique? It's over 100 years old.

That's a beauty. So, what brings you here?

We got the report from the medical examiner. It showed...

If you don't mind. Would you, sir? You want me to sign this?

For my wife. She'd really get a kick out of it.

You were saying something about a medical examiner's report. Mm?

Oh, yeah. Mr Clark died of nicotine poisoning.

Nicotine poisoning? So Bud smoked himself to death!

That's great. What?

Your pictures, sir. It wasn't the nicotine in the tobacco

that killed him, it was nicotine sulphate.

Nicotine sulphate? What's that? Oh, you've never heard of it? No.

Well, sir, it's one of the deadliest poisons there is.

It takes only one drop to kill a man. That's incredible, Lieutenant.

You're telling me that Bud was murdered?

Oh, yes, Mr Clark was murdered alright.

I knew you always thought there was some mystery surrounding his death,

but poisoned, who would've thought of that?

From the start I thought something was fishy here. Yes, I remember,

you were worried about the fingerprints

being on only one side of the page.

Didn't make any sense. You were right.

And now it appears, at least to me,

that somebody must've placed Bud's hand on that paper.

The murderer!

Exactly the way I figured it, sir. Only way it makes sense.

I still don't see how Bud was poisoned with, whaddya call

that stuff, nicotine sulphate? I haven't figured that out yet.

But I'm working on it. I'm sure you are.

And I have the utmost confidence in you

that you'll come up with the right answer.

Thank you very much, sir.

Oh, something else has been bugging me. What's that, Lieutenant?

We found an ashtray full of cigarette butts on Bud's desk

and a cigarette in his hand. Bud was a chain smoker. You know that.

The autopsy report showed he inhaled the poison moments before he died.

But Mr Clark hadn't smoked the cigarette in his hand,

or any of the cigarettes on his desk. Why would you say that?

No nicotine stains on the filters.

OK, come on, you guys. Right, come on out.

Alright, move forward, please. Yes.

(GENERAL CHATTER / MUSIC PLAYS)

High kick. Yeah, that's it.

Good, good. Kick it. C'mon, let's go.

And roll it. Alright, here we go.

Alright, good.

Alright, now roll it. I don't know, I think so.

We're ready for you, Mr Anders. Come with me, please.

Excuse me, can I help you? I'm looking for Wade Anders.

The security guard said... If you leave your name...

I'm from the police. Lt Columbo. Oh, I see. He's right over there.

Oh. He was there a minute ago. Let me ask you something.

Is Rosanne Barr here? No, later. I'd like to see her.

This is my first time. She'll be here at 5.30. This is a great number.

Lieutenant. Oh, there you are.

Fancy meeting you here. This is really something.

Hi. Can I have your autograph? It's exciting, isn't it?

I love to watch 'em dance. Yeah, they got great legs. Thank you.

No business like showbusiness, hey, Lt? You can say that again.

D'you know the first actress who was ever on a postage stamp?

Who was that? Grace Kelly, when she married Prince Rainier.

You don't say? To commemorate the wedding.

Are you here to see me? Yes, I am. Here's what happened.

After I left you I had a meeting with the Captain.

This case is now murder, right? Right.

He said, "Where do we go from here?" Natural question, right? Right.

I got no answers. Now he sits down and he's looking right at me.

This guy is tough. So he says, "Who did Mr Clark last see?"

I said, "On Saturday, the day he died, he didn't see anybody."

"Who did he see on Friday?" "On Friday he went to work,

had an appointment with a Mr... Wade Anders.

He knew you. Loves your show. Really?

Mr Anders, they're waiting for you at the podium.

So the bottom line is... Lieutenant,

is this your way of asking what I was doing on Saturday? Yes.

For heaven sake, just ask it. With certain people it's hard.

Don't be foolish. What time was the murder?

Between 6 and 7pm. Between 6 and 7pm?

I was in my production office working. Anybody with you? No.

How can we verify that, sir? Verify it?

If we could. Verify it? That's where I was. That's it. Anything else?

No. Thank you very much.

The nominees for outstanding directing and... Er, Lieutenant?

It just occurred to me that my presence in that production office

is probably recorded on the surveillance tape. Oh?

Would that be of help? Absolutely.

Good. Then I'll have it ready any time you stop by. Tomorrow? Fine.

Thank you very much.

I'm sorry to hold you up.

Um, the nominees for outstanding director

in a mini-series or special are...

(TYRES SCREECH)

(GEARS CRUNCH)

(BACKFIRES)

Could you back it up?!

(BACKFIRES)

(CLUNK! / BACKFIRES)

Move it back!

(BACKFIRES)

Are you alright?

No problem.

Hey, it looks pretty good. I don't see anything.

The bumper saved you. You see that?

They'll have to take off the hood, match the paint.

It's gonna cost about $2,000. Why don't we look at my car?

What kind of car was that anyway?

This is a 1950 Peugeot, sir. They're very rare.

This didn't just all happen.

See this here? That's new.

Oh, that just happened. Yep.

You got insurance? Er, yes, sir.

It's not gonna be easy to match my paint, I can tell you that.

Oh, that shouldn't be too hard. It looks like a standard grey.

Smoked silver. Custom.

Smoked silver?

Oh. Hm.

I presume you came for the surveillance tape? Yes, sir.

I promised the Captain I'd pick it today. Fine.

Is everything alright? Just help me get rid of him.

How d'you do, ma'am? (WHIRS)

Look. It's just like in a bank. We have confidential data here.

In the wrong hands it could do a lot of harm.

I hope this satisfies your captain. I hope so too.

And thank you very much for this. You're welcome.

Oh, gee, you know,

while I'm here, maybe I better give you the name of my insurance company.

It'd be easier if you let the production company handle it.

Oh, that's very nice.

Here are your notes for the policeman's ball.

They want your OK on it. We're going, the wife and I.

Oh, yes, she's already picked out a new outfit. She's so excited.

Well, I'll see you tomorrow evening, sir.

You've got quite a tan on you. I don't think you've been working.

How are you doing? Thanks for all that help. Hello, ladies.

Wade, how are you? Fine. I haven't seen you since the Bel Air Hotel.

Lieutenant?

That's quite a change.

Oh, yeah, it's my wife. She made me wear it. She's so excited.

Er, I wondered, would you mind, could I introduce you to her?

Certainly, but we'll have to make it quick. Er, gee,

she was here a minute ago. That's all I heard on the way over.

She's probably in the ladies. Women always wanna look their best.

When you find her, bring her over. I'm looking forward to meeting her.

Is something wrong? Your shirt, it's so perfect.

Not a wrinkle in it. What did you pay for that? I don't know. Maybe $300.

Just for the shirt? The starch was extra. It's a dye.

That's amazing, sir. This shirt I got on,

it travelled just as far, it only cost $9.99. It's Korean.

Very nice. Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta get to the table.

I don't wanna hold you up. Oh, Mr Anders?

I know you'll wanna hear about this. Can this wait?

I realise this isn't a good time to bother you. We've found a film.

About a girl. Holly.

She lives in Houston.

Why don't you go to the table? I'll meet you there. Alright.

Lieutenant?

What were you saying about some girl in Houston?

There was an audio tape in Bud's car.

There was loads of information on a party film.

Isn't that what they're called? Holly Does Houston.

You do remember it, don't you? Why would you mention that now, in here?

You knew Bud had a copy of the film. How would I know that?

He came to see ya. Wait a minute.

You don't think that was the story he was working on, do you?

Are you saying Bud was planning to blackmail me? It's a possibility.

What would that accomplish? We all make mistakes.

I was very young and that was a long time ago.

There you are. Sorry to bother you. You're needed at the table.

Would you tell Ken we'll be right there?

I'd deem it a great professional courtesy

if you'd not mention this to anyone else. I understand.

You're holding up the entire party. I'm coming!

Sir?

Hi. Is Dog ready? I believe so.

John, is Dog ready?

Ready to go.

Hello, how are you? Fine, John, just fine. And you?

We're just great, aren't we? Oh, get a look at you,

how good you look! You know,

there's not a dog in the place you couldn't have.

He don't look too happy. Come on, we gotta go now.

(GROWLS) Come on.

Come on.

He's mad at me. He shouldn't be. He got the royal treatment.

A herbal conditioner. Makes the skin soft.

Mrs Columbo also asked for the pedicure.

The what? Is Sebastian ready yet? I'll go get him. Nice seeing you.

Pedicure?

Oh, look, he's sulking. You want a little beef? There.

Let me see your pedicure. Ooh. Ooh, that's nice.

Pedicure?

Hold this.

"Hello?" Frank? "Yeah." Columbo.

I'll be at the station at four to look at the surveillance tape.

I want a photographer there.

"Photographer?" Right. "You got it."

Tell him to bring the magnifying lens. "Instead of the video?"

No, I wanna look at the tape first. "Right."

What are we looking for?

Let's run it one more time. Something's bothering me.

I can't put my finger on it. I don't know what you're looking for.

You've run this so many times already. Maybe this time.

That's it.

OK, enough.

I saw all I need.

That's a wrap! Let's pack up so we can get out of here!

(ALL TALK AT ONCE)

Fantastic. Max, you did it. I'll call the network.

I'll use this for this week's promo. You got it!

We're going for some Mexican food, if you wanna come?

Count me in. I'm starved. Wade?

You're starved and I'm tired. I'll do some work then go home.

Come on. Come on.

No, but thank you. Alright. Good night.

Good work, Max.

(FOOTSTEPS)

I saw the tape.

Lieutenant?

You... saw the tape?

Yeah, I saw the surveillance tape you gave me. And?

I'd like you to see it, sir. I've already seen it.

I kept looking at that tape.

Couldn't figure out what was bothering me.

There's nothing wrong with it, I can assure you. I've seen it myself.

I'd like you to see it again. I don't need to.

I'm tired and have lots of work to do. Mr Anders?

Mr Anders? There is something you should see.

What is it that's bothering you?

Why don't you look for yourself, then decide?

This better be worth my time.

If you would, sir.

It's perfectly fine, just as I said.

It would appear that way, but if you could just play it once again, sir.

There. Right there. Stop there.

D'you see, sir,

when you came in the production office

the hedges were neatly trimmed?

You claimed that was Saturday morning.

Now it's seven hours later.

You can tell that by the clock and you're leaving.

But it can't be Saturday night because, look.

Look at the hedges.

Well, even my niece's green thumb couldn't grow hedges that fast.

Just what are you driving at?

That you weren't in your production office, as you said,

at the time that Mr Clark died.

Have you ever seen this kid before? No, I can't say I have.

Have you seen the dog? No. Are you sure?

How should I remember every dog I see? It's Bud's dog.

How should I know that? You're sure you've never seen it before?

I have never been to Bud Clark's house. You have never been?

No, never. I don't even know where he lives.

You've never been to his house. Are you sure?

How many times do I have to answer that. Frank! Did you get that?

Yeah, I got it.

This is a friendly dog. He's got a missing claw.

When we had that car accident the other day,

I felt scratches on the car door. Didn't think too much about it.

But then I remembered that the first time I went to Bud's house

this dog was all over my car. Made some scratches. Nothing serious.

And the scratches on your car door came to about the same place

as the scratches on mine. Then it hit me.

We used a special magnifying lens.

See your car door? Left paw three scratches, right paw four.

My car door. Left three scratches, right four. Exactly the same.

So you see, sir, you had to have been at Mr Clark's home.

A dog.

Man's best friend.

I'm pleased you got a good story for a show.

"Tune in to Crime Alert, Tuesday at 9pm, and see the capture of

Duke Dimarco and Barbara Baylor." I don't think so.

"Voted America's No 1 crime show." It will be for the 11 o'clock news.

Remember, keep your eyes open and stay alert.

IMS Subtitles