Original subtitles

.

Chuck Houston was the kind of man who wore his medals on the inside

as well as the outside.

Chuck was shot 178 times in the movies.

But it was in World War II that Chuck became a real hero.

He was a real star.

He was wounded, when without regard for personal safety,

he heroically thrust himself between an exploding grenade

and his platoon.

And saved most of their lives.

This was in the South Pacific, earning him the Purple Heart.

You're 93 seconds too long.

Oh, damn. We'll fix it.

You run a tight funeral.

Well, the service ends at 12:15.

We close the casket and if you can cut 93 seconds from your tribute,

we'll be home free.

I'll work on it. Tomorrow's another day.

Goodbye, Mr Prince.

Thank you, Fred. Good night.

Er, I like the display, Joe, thank you.

Thank you, sir.

Line two. Verity Chandler. It's on hold.

Er, Rita and Joe, you can go. I'll lock up.

Good night. Good night. Good night.

Er, Verity, darling. Did you get my message about the Houston funeral?

I always get the message, lover.

Eric, we have to have a little private chat, just the two of us.

Strictly personal.

A chat? What about?

Well, there will be a funeral service of course, as always, but...

we'll have one in private before.

Just the two of us.

Mwah!

TV: Hollywood Heartbeat. Sunday Promo. G102.

TV: Verity, what juicy tidbits do you have for us

on Hollywood Heartbeat this weekend? What's new?

I'm working on a story that'll rattle a few skeletons.

Watch this Sunday for Grisly Undertakings On Sunset Boulevard.

And if you've got gossip, remember, you can e-mail me at...

HORN

Uh, Roger, darling, it's me at 11:30.

The liquor store JUST delivered the booze for the Sunday party.

Can you believe that? Listen, email me that revised guest list

as soon as possible. Now, page me!

Mwah!

CAR HORN

CAR HORN

All right!

The Haverland-Prince funeral home.

# DVORAK: Theme From New World Symphony: Going Home

Suzannah, you meant a great deal to Chuck.

Thanks. I'm really sorry.

How are you bearing up, Mrs Houston?

Oh, Mr Prince. Would you excuse me? I'd like to ask you a favour.

Yeah?

Is it all right for you to sit with me in the first row?

You may sit with anyone you choose.

Please sit with me. You have been such a comfort.

It will be my pleasure.

Oh, my, look at the red death.

Hm! Ha-ha.

Excuse me, sir. Your attorney is here.

He needs to speak to you about something urgent.

Well, don't forget. Service starts at noon.

Eric, sorry to bother you but I'm afraid the purchase agreement

has to be signed today. Don't worry, Henry. I have it ready.

Shall we take the short cut?

My chamber of horrors. Look, but don't touch.

It's on my desk. Here we are.

Signed and delivered.

You're now the proud owner of your 24th funeral home. Congratulations.

I think we should also congratulate my dear old friend Mr Haverland.

He would be proud of his protege.

Yes. I really must be going.

I think you'd like to go the way of the living, wouldn't you?

If you don't mind. It's always a pleasure, Henry.

If you have any problems, do give me a call. Absolutely.

Bye-bye for now.

Oh, hi, babe.

Verity.

The door is unlocked. That's not like you.

I thought you'd gone. I checked -

I checked the parking lot.

Your car wasn't there. No, it's in for service.

I had a taxi drop me today. Maybe you can take me home

when this is all over, just like old times?

Nice joke. I only have a few minutes. What is it you want?

I want your advice on a story I'm working on

for Sunday night's broadcast.

It's about a once handsome, never-was actor from England -

didn't make it here either -

who gets a job in a Hollywood mortuary.

The mortician takes a liking to him

and soon the actor becomes a mortician himself.

Only our boy undertaker gets greedy.

He realises that morticians can get to the bodies before anyone else,

can find telltale traces of homosexuality, affairs, drugs.

He begins selling his information to a television reporter,

who also becomes his oh-so-secret lover,

until he unceremoniously dumps her.

That's old news. Oh, this is even older.

I shot this just a few days ago.

It's the Dorothea Page mansion. I knew you'd recognise it.

And I know you'll remember what was around Dorothea's neck

when her body arrived at your mortuary some years ago.

Tell me, Eric. What kind of ratings do you think I might get

for a story about a Hollywood mortician

who steals a diamond necklace from the corpse of a dead movie queen

so he can buy into a fancy mortuary?

Sounds fascinating. Doesn't it?

I'm hot on your trail, sweetie, and getting warmer by the minute.

I know your games, Verity. You're telling me all this

so that I'll dig up dirt for you again.

Darling, no, you're not listening.

I'm broadcasting this Sunday night at eight, live.

I'm even having a party

at my house to celebrate.

You see, this is my big surprise scoop of the year.

I haven't told a soul.

I wanted you to be the first to know.

Thank you.

Well, you're going to lose everything.

Eric Prince. You used to be every widow's bedroom pet.

I only came by to make sure you're tuned in Sunday night,

but you know it was worth it.

Just to see that knot in your gut.

Imagine this...

projected behind me...

..with the headlines...

Grisly Undertakings On Sunset Boulevard.

Hmm?

You burned me once, baby.

Now I'm going to burn you.

CLOCK CHIMES

Mr Prince.

Oh, Miss Rita, are the flower arrangements all right?

Mr Prince is delighted. Thank you very much, Hugo. Thank you.

Oh, it's getting close, sir. Yes, I am aware of that.

I was just checking the new equipment. Just lead on, would you?

CLOCK STRIKES NOON

Chuck Houston was the kind of man

who wore his medals on the inside as well as the outside.

Chuck was shot 178 times...

VERITY: Grisly Undertakings On Sunset Boulevard.

You burned me once, baby.

Now I'm going to burn you.

..saved most of their lives.

This was in the South Pacific earning him the Purple Heart.

May we always remember him.

CLOCK CHIMES

I'll send one of our cars - have you here at four o'clock.

All will be ready. I shall take care of this personally. Thank you.

Cathy, take care of your aunt, would you, please? Oh, Cathy.

HELICOPTER

Eric.

Here's your dear Chuck. Thank you.

And of course, we mustn't forget this.

I say! Stop, just stop right here.

Is it all right to open the door?

Happy trails!

Verity, my darling.

Verity.

Let's see what we have here.

'97.

Change to eight.

And...

Where are you, Mr Prince?

There we are.

Mm-hm.

Bye-bye,

Mr Prince.

And change to...

Adios, Mr Prince, hello, Cocaine.

There we are. Change back.

Good.

I've come with my condolences.

Thank you, darling. I'll get the glasses.

Thank you.

I don't care what your procedures are, sergeant,

I have made an absolute ton of phone calls and you believe me,

Verity Chandler has friends in high places and nobody,

I mean no-one knows what the hell happened to her. Really.

We have a party on Sunday, there is so much to do.

The whole thing's impossible.

Sir, we appreciate your concern.

We're doing our best to locate Miss Chandler.

But it's a Missing Persons case. That's what we're dealing with.

Missing Persons (?) Really, sergeant?

Do you know that Missing Persons

is like being seated next to the kitchen.

I would like some serious action.

Oh! Hey!

What's up with you?

Oh, hi, sarge.

Excuse me. I've gotta get this hound under control.

Are you gonna be a good dog or are you going to embarrass me

in front of the sergeant?

Look at that. Will you look at that?

I was on my way to the vet's when you guys called. This guy, you know,

hasn't been feeling too good this week. Kinda listless.

Look at him now. What's sparking you?

Thanks for stopping by, lieutenant. I know it's not a homicide, but,

Mr Roger Gambles, the missing lady's secretary,

is somewhat concerned.

You can say that again.

All right, OK. He'll be all right.

Er...

Oh, boy. Excuse me, sarge, what is this guy's name?

Roger Gambles, sir.

Ah, Mr Gambler,

glad to see you, sir. Sergeant Degarmo been treating you all right?

Gambles. It's Roger Gambles.

Oh, sorry, sir.

You're a...you're a detective?

Yes.

I guess I am.

Can you listen? Oh, yes, sir.

The last time I heard from her was sometime yesterday afternoon.

Excuse me.

DOG WHINING

Yeah, he'll be all right. Yes, sir.

The last time I heard from her was sometime yesterday -

From who?

From WHOM. My employer Miss Verity Chandler.

The missing lady, the reason we're all here.

Last time I heard from her was yesterday morning about 11:30.

She's having this party on Sunday and she sent me a message

asking to email her

the revised guest list. I responded. She did not.

I called her repeatedly, several times and, well...

..all I got was the machine.

When did you make these calls, sir?

It's on the tape, lieutenant. I checked it.

ANSWERING MACHINE: You have three messages.

9:04pm. Verity, it's Roger. Call me.

10:59pm. Roger again.

Where are you?

12:42am. Verity, I'm starting to worry.

End of messages.

That's it? That's it.

And you called the cops?

What do YOU think? I showed up for work this morning, lieutenant,

the door was wide open. I saw the hall. What did YOU think

when you walked in today?

Oh, I think you did the right thing, sir.

She comes home, comes in here,

pours herself a drink, off with the earrings, off with the shoes.

Do you see the shoes?

I got the shoes.

Yes, sergeant? She sits down, starts to work the computer.

Door bell rings. She gets up to answer it,

there's a struggle. Someone nabs her sometime after 8:40.

After 8:40? Why 8:40?

See the computer, detective? It's here.

The last time she made an entry was 8:40pm.

Can you look at it?

I've already shown the sergeant.

Can you look at it?

Yes, I can.

I'll look at it.

READS: This reporter has been looking into a tangled web of crime

amid the young and the ruthless here

in the snowy hills of Beverly. But the snow on those hills ain't sugar -

it's cocaine. Hmm.

Thank you.

It seems she was working on this drugs story

and it got her kidnapped. Can any of this be touched?

Go ahead. They've been dusted.

The guy's finished. Everything's been done.

Yesterday was Thursday.

Today is October 6, '97.

"Twelve noon. Houston. Fun."

You're going to have fun in Houston.

That's absurd. She was going to the funeral of Chuck Houston,

the old cowboy actor. The service was yesterday at noon.

Got that.

What's PH SB?

Phone someone?

Ph - phone, initials SB?

Sid somebody,

Shirley somebody? Who knows?

Could be.

What's this? We've inventoried them.

Eleven pictures of a puppy.

Eleven?

My God! What's the matter, sir?

Louella. I forgot all about Louella.

Louella?

Who's Louella? Beats me.

Poor Louella. It slipped my mind completely.

Oh!

This is what's sparking him. C'mere, sweetie.

Sergeant, get my dog. Hold on.

Oh, it's just a pup.

Gee, oh, look, he's shaking. Sergeant, get my dog.

Yes, sir.

Oh, gee, look at this place! It's a mess here.

He's got no water.

He's got nothin'! Where is it?

Where's what? The food, the food for the pup!

Sorry, it's in the fridge. She keeps it in the fridge.

Yeah.

Where's the spoons?

The spoons, er, over here. I'll get one.

Here you are, lieutenant.

Oh, it's got chicken in it. That's good.

Yes, that's her evening treat. Well, that's good. They like that.

What did you say?

Her evening treat.

Excuse me.

Can you guys make sure that this dog is fed and gets plenty of water?

Of course. And take him for a walk?

Who's going to watch this dog while we're working on this case?

I will. Thank you.

You're going home and sergeant, if you could be kind enough

to do me a favour?

I want copies of these. Take it to the lab.

Copies made from the negatives on the desk. Right, lieutenant.

Where was the funeral service yesterday?

Haverland-Prince.

Haverland-Prince.

Haverland-Prince.

Haverland-Prince.

KNOCKING

Come in!

Good morning, sir. Ah, Rita.

I was just about to call your house.

I wasn't at my house as a matter of fact. Who have we got today?

Regarding Dan Riley, the motion picture home called.

They want to start the viewing one hour later.

Another day, another body. Also, there's a Mr Lerby.

Pre-plan funeral. The deceased arranged it

two years ago. Cause of death? Gas boiler blew up.

Ouch. Is there anything left of him?

Well, he's not the man he was.

Mrs Lerby the widow will be here at 10 o'clock. So will I.

Mel Lerby was a jerk.

A cheap-jack, two-bit importer of knock-off Korean knitwear.

Our divorce was going to be final in a week.

And if he'd just waited seven days to kick it,

I wouldn't have to be here doing this.

I don't want a service, I don't want flowers and I do not want a coffin.

Mrs Lerby, your husband requested a cremation.

There has to be some kind of container. It's the law.

He was a 98lb weakling on his best day.

What you got in there now, you could just put in a shoe box.

Er... a suggestion, Rita.

What we could do is cremate your husband today

in one of our inexpensive cardboard boxes, place his ashes in an urn

that I hope you will like. It'll be ready tomorrow,

and then arrange for our helicopter service to disperse the ashes

over the ocean at our expense with my compliments.

We're going to take real good care of him.

Well, better you than me.

(CHUCKLES) Interesting woman.

I'll cremate Mr Lerby's remains myself as soon as they arrive.

They come in at three but you'll have to wait a bit longer

before you put him in the oven. Why is that?

It's being repaired. One of the gas jets blew

when you cremated Mr Houston. Did it?

How long is going to take to fix?

The repairman said it could be all day.

Let me know immediately when it's ready, would you? Yes, sir.

Oh, and someone's waiting for you in the display room.

Thank you, Rita.

Morning, sir. I just can't get my wife to discuss this stuff,

but she should like this. Nice and soft.

May I?

I think you know the way out.

Oh, sir, I'm sorry. I really shouldn't be smoking

in a special place like this.

I'm from the police. I beg your pardon? Lieutenant Columbo.

You're joking. No, sir. No, I'm not.

There you go. Are you Haverland Prince?

I'm Prince and my partner Arthur Haverland died some years ago.

Oh, well, Mr Prince, I'm looking into a Missing Persons case.

A Miss Verity Chandler. She was here yesterday.

Was she alone when you saw her? As far as I know. Where was she?

The chapel. I have to check it for the next service.

Would you follow me? Oh, love to, sir.

The only person she spoke to was the widow Mrs Houston and then she left.

Were you a friend of Miss Chandler's, sir?

Tabloid reporter? I keep my distance,

but I do call her about VIP funerals. The publicity's good

and so far, she's been discreet. As a matter of fact,

I called her about the Houston service the other day. Excuse me.

That's coming along very nicely.

Er, so she was here

and then she left. Yeah, OK.

What kind of car was she drivin'?

I assume the usual one, the red Mercedes.

Uh-huh. Red Mercedes.

Sir, this is Miss Chandler's date book.

Do you see the entry for yesterday's date?

"Houston. Fun.

PH - phone SB."

Do you know anybody who was invited or who came to the funeral services

with the initials SB?

Uh, Sonny Bono, Sandra Bullock, Steven Bochco?

Bono, Bullock, Bochco, wow!

Yeah, you really get the big ones.

The creme de la creme, sir.

Er, that's French. Do you know of Dan Riley?

Dan Riley, the big dancer from the movies?

He died yesterday. 78 years old.

Oh, he was up there with the greats.

We're having the viewing later this afternoon

and then the burial tomorrow.

Oh, gee whizz, that's funny.

Er, what?

What you just said. You said that you always call Miss Chandler

regarding VIP funerals. I was just at the Chandler house

and we checked her answering machine. There were only three messages

since yesterday,

all from her secretary and er...

No, sir, there was no message from you regarding Dan Riley's funeral.

I must reprimand myself.

Well, don't worry about it, sir.

You know, when you've got your mind on big things,

goodness gracious, you could forget anything.

Do you mind if I take one of these, sir?

My wife and I gotta make a decision about this stuff.

With pleasure. And of course, you'd both be welcome here.

When the time comes.

(LAUGHS) You gotta good sense of humour.

Oh, sir, if that red Mercedes were here, would you know it was here?

Er, no, I wouldn't but my assistant would.

Er, Rita!

We keep a log of all vehicles that come and go for any bereavement.

Rita, this is Lieutenant Columbo from the police.

He needs the car list for the Houston affair.

Would you give him any help you can? Certainly. If you'll follow me.

Yes, ma'am. Sir, this is a lovely place to go.

You got that right.

That's the complete list.

Oh, that list is great, thanks.

Is Miss Chandler's car here?

Her Mercedes? No, no, it isn't.

We all know it. This was a taxi? Yes, there was a taxi.

Was there anything odd in Miss Chandler's behaviour?

Well, she comes here a lot.

The last I saw of her, she was putting our brochure in her purse.

What was that, ma'am? She put one of our brochures in her purse.

Well, you know, I just got this to talk to the wife,

but you said that she comes here all the time?

Why would she want a brochure? I have no idea.

Oh, and she kissed the corpse.

I'm sorry, ma'am? She kissed Mr Houston's corpse.

You know, Hollywood's a very kissy town, lieutenant.

I even had to wipe her lipstick off his cheek. You did? With what?

My handkerchief. Do you have the handkerchief?

Well, I was going to take it home and wash it.

Oh, here we go.

Thank you, ma'am. Will that be all?

I think so.

So what have we got? Her earrings.

Lipstick.

Her shoes.

Be there.

Oh, yes, be there.

Lieutenant!

In here, sarge.

Lieutenant.

Well, lieutenant, you were right to order up those reprints.

There were 11 pictures of the puppy in that envelope,

but there were 12 exposures on the roll.

This is the twelfth. Now, how did you know there'd be a twelfth?

Cos of my brother-in-law. Only buys film that comes in 12-shot rolls.

They go on vacation, one of them always runs out. Drive you nuts.

Well, I took the liberty of making some enlargements of that photo.

I thought they might be useful.

Oh, well, that's using your head, sir.

Thank you, sergeant.

Yeah, that was a good idea.

Take a load off your feet.

Thanks, lieutenant. Hey, this is a big place. Any idea on this?

Uh, no.

So, we still never found the original of this photo?

No, nowhere.

So, why wasn't this photo

with the other...oh...

Photos. PH.

PHONE RINGS

You drink too much.

I'm a widow. I'm in mourning.

Hello.

Oh, I'm so sorry I didn't return your call,

and actually I'm in the middle of a meeting right now

with the funeral director Mr Prince.

He says, hello.

Who is it?

Lieutenant...Cumbo?

Columbo. Say that I say hello too.

Oh, well, he said to say hello too.

Oh, I'm afraid I'm not going to be here.

I have to go see my psychiatrist.

Well, I suppose I could.

All right. I'll see you there, then.

My psychiatrist will just have to wait.

Although he does love talking to me!

Well, bye-bye.

Where is he?

Verity Chandler's house. He wants me to stop by. Did he say why?

He wants to ask me some questions.

He said he has a few little problems there.

I'll drive you.

Ah, Mrs Houston. Well, thank you for coming, ma'am.

I'm Lieutenant Columbo. May I offer my condolences?

No, thanks. I've had plenty!

I'm sorry. It's just the tension. I'm new at this widow stuff.

It's nice to see you again. Mrs Houston was too nervous

to drive herself so I'm escorting her today, if that's all right?

Very nice. Please, come in. Thank you very much.

Careful here. What happened? What a mess.

We're not sure what happened, ma'am.

That's why I want to ask you a couple of questions.

Uh, I hate to do this to you, ma'am.

Uh, it's routine - er, you might say routine.

Yes, the usual suspects.

What is happening?

The question that I wanna ask you and we're going to be asking everybody

that saw Miss Chandler yesterday the same question.

And the question is, where were you from about eight o'clock last night

until seven this morning and we'll start with you, sir.

We're you at home?

As a matter of fact, I, er, I wasn't at home.

Not at home. Uh...

Could you elaborate on that, sir?

Well, lieutenant, I'm a bachelor.

Shall we say that I spent the evening with a friend?

With a friend.

I, er, hate to be indelicate, sir, but, er...

for my investigation it's important to know names -

Facts, that sort of thing. The specifics.

Well - All right. All right.

Ma'am?

Mr Prince spent the evening with me at my house.

With you, ma'am?

Yes.

At your house? Yes.

Uh-huh.

It's been a very vulnerable and difficult time for Mrs Houston.

She was absolutely prostrate with grief and I felt it was necessary -

And so Mr Prince came over to my house...

..and he gave me grief counselling. Yes, I did.

So, you counselled Mrs Houston right through till this morning?

Mm-hm.

Mr Prince came over shortly before eight o'clock.

And, well...

Here we are.

Lieutenant, do you have a moment?

Excuse me, please, Liz.

Lieutenant.

The, er...

The confidence that we've just shared,

I imagine will go now further. Oh, absolutely, sir.

That is your business.

Thank you. I appreciate that very much.

Oh, ma'am. I have a question for you.

Would y'all mind if I had a little shot of something?

All this...was giving me the shakes.

Well, I'm sure if Miss Chandler were here,

she'd be pleased to share one with you.

Help yourself. Just, er...don't touch the Scotch.

Don't worry. Scotch is not my flavour.

I prefer Bourbon.

Did you say something about a question?

Yes, ma'am, I'm a dog person and I can usually tell another dog person.

And I bet you're a dog person.

Well, aren't you clever? I do have a couple of beauties at home.

All right, now, you've got a 12-week-old puppy like Miss Chandler,

and you got him for three days and you leave at 10 o'clock in the morning

you come back at eight at night,

would you forget to feed him?

Never.

Well, that pup was not fed. His food was in the fridge.

Until my dying day, I will never believe

that woman forgot that there was a hungry puppy waiting for her.

Well, with all that mess in the hall, maybe somebody kidnapped her before she could feed it.

She's a smart girl. Could I trouble you?

Could you come over here near this desk?

This is where Miss Chandler worked.

Now, uh...

These shoes.

Were these the shoes that she was wearing yesterday at the funeral?

Her shoes were black. Yes, I would say so.

Well, they were down here.

Er...and these earrings -

Were these the earrings that she was wearing yesterday at the funeral?

Now I know a lot about earrings and I particularly remember them.

Yes, these are the ones.

Uh-huh. This glass was here.

Uh...

(SNIFFS)

You got Scotch.

So it looks like it was obvious that this is where she was and er...

I only have one...

Excuse me, ma'am.

Would you just turn toward the light?

That lipstick, ma'am.

Would you say that that shade

is lighter in colour than the lipstick on this glass?

Yes.

That shade that you're wearing, ma'am. Does it have a name?

Well, I think it's called Afternoon Delight.

Mr Prince, sir, did you see Verity kiss Chuck Houston?

I don't recall that.

Oh, she did. And quite frankly, I thought it was a bit showy.

Well, your employee Rita saw it

because apparently, she...

..wiped the lipstick off Mr Houston's face.

And, er, she did it

with this handkerchief.

This stain, ma'am,

how would this compare...

..with the lip print on the glass?

It's not the same.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Yeah.

I happened to look into this pocket book.

This is the pocket book that she was carrying at the funeral.

And sure enough,

this lipstick...and this lipstick...

..matches the lipstick on this handkerchief.

So this lipstick is the lipstick

that she was wearing during the day,

yesterday. Question - Why when she came home at night...

Why did she take off her day lipstick

and put on dark evening lipstick

to sit here alone

by herself and type?

Would you do that, ma'am?

Well, I'm a little confused.

You know, they told me that she was working on this computer at 8:40.

And maybe she was, I don't know, but they also tell me you push the right buttons

right now - don't ask me what they are...

You could erase that 8:40pm and put in 11:30am last Christmas.

So, who knows?

Only the shadow knows.

Fascinating.

You certainly have a way with you, lieutenant.

Is there anything else that you require of us at the moment?

Not at this time, sir.

Sir!

Yes?

I'm sorry, sir! Sorry, sir.

And, ma'am, I'm sorry, ma'am.

You're late, ma'am.

Forgive me. This will just take a second. I just forgot.

Uh...this house.

Either of you recognise this house?

Er...no.

I can't say that I've ever seen that before.

Have you ever seen this?

No. No, I haven't.

Sorry, lieutenant. Can't help.

All right. Thank you very much.

Bye-bye again. Bye-bye.

Mr Lerby, we hardly knew you.

A freshly-repaired oven awaits you.

Gentlemen, I fear this is for double occupancy.

Hey, buddy! What have you got for me?

I got nothin'. What's this, soft time? You got a visitor.

Eddie Fenelle?

Yeah. You drive cab 953?

Yeah.

So what's the beef? Sit down.

The despatcher says your cab picked up a fare three days ago

in Beverly Hills. A woman named Verity Chandler.

Drove her to a funeral home.

Yeah. I don't remember her name, but yeah,

I picked her up around 11:30, dropped her off. End of story.

You didn't drive her home? No.

You didn't wait for her? No.

How did she leave the funeral home?

How should I know? I mean, maybe she bummed a ride from a friend or called another cab.

Did she have this picture with her?

Look, she didn't jump in the front seat with me.

We didn't get that close. You know what I mean? Are we done now?

We're done.

How long have you been out? How did you know I was in?

I heard you say soft time. That's prison slang for easy duty.

Six weeks. I'm on parole.

Keep your nose clean. Oh, I'll keep it so clean you can eat off it.

Hey, Freddy, I'm going for a burger. Anything happens, page me. Right.

Hey, nice talking to you.

Hell, man!

It is bumper to bumper out there.

You waitin' on a cab?

No.

What you doin'? Lookin' for a job?

No, just sittin' and thinkin'.

Sittin' and thinkin'.

That's a good thing if you don't like to eat.

But if you like to eat. There's not much time for sittin' and thinkin'.

You gotta burn that rubber. HB. What does that mean?

Er, Hollywood Boulevard.

Hollywood Boulevard.

HB.

SB.

ALARM

Hey!

Hey! Hey, I'm a cop!

I'm a cop, you monkeys!

A thousand pardons, lieutenant. You must forgive my security people.

The bodyguards my country provides are quite professional

but they can be over-zealous in their task.

What can Sheik Hirami do to help the Los Angeles Police?

Sir, I'm looking into a Missing Persons case,

a woman named Verity Chandler.

Verity Chandler.

I have never heard this name.

Uh, she's a kind of TV reporter.

Agh! Television!

Sheik Hirami scoffs with derision.

You don't like television?

Televisions is a box of infidels.

Sheik Hirami likes movie stars.

Ah.

Sheik Hirami bought this mansion because it once belonged

to the movie star, Miss Dorothea Page.

Dorothea Page. Yes.

A great silent film star. Became even bigger in the talkies.

This was HER place?

I have lived here seven years and I cannot tell you -

the tourists, the gawkers, that is why the security.

You know, of course, when Miss Dorothea Page died,

the police came too.

Why?

Surely you must know? The case of the mysterious missing diamonds.

Diamonds?

Sir, maybe I will show you this photograph.

(SPEAKS ARABIC)

(SPEAKS ARABIC)

What's the ruckus?

Hey, 1,000 pardons, lieutenant.

My security people are upset because three days ago,

they chased away a woman who took a picture of this house.

Wait a minute. This woman who took this picture, did she wear a big hat?

(SPEAKS ARABIC)

(SPEAKS ARABIC)

Was that a yes? Big black hat, red clothes. Very red this woman was.

Are you saying the woman who came here wore a big, black hat

with a lot of red clothes, three days ago, took the picture

and then drove away?

Yes, she got out, stole a photograph with her camera

and then jumped right back into a taxi.

Taxi?

Yes, they said taxi.

Hey, I'm not for hire.

Hey, can't you read? The sign says no smok....

Oh, it's you.

Hey, listen, I've already got a fare.

The despatcher tells me that you pick up the same guy

from the same doctor at the same time each week.

That's right and the meter's running so what's the beef? Eddie Fenelle.

AKA Eddie The Fence. Six years grand larceny, receiving stolen goods.

Does that include a diamond necklace

once worn by a movie star called Dorothea Page?

Hey! You ain't gonna pin that diamond job on me!

I got a witness can identify you

as the driver of this cab

on the day that Verity Chandler...

..took this photograph.

Now are you gonna come clean or do I take you downtown?

I'm not looking to hurt you, Eddie.

Right now, I don't need any definites.

All I need is maybes.

Maybes?

Yeah, maybes.

OK, maybe.

So maybe there is somebody who did know something about those diamonds.

This somebody didn't steal them, you understand.

He just maybe handled 'em, know what I mean?

Maybe this somebody went to prison for another job.

When he got out of the joint, he gets a call from a woman.

She says she's a reporter and she wants the lowdown on those diamonds.

And maybe somebody got some money for this information.

Maybe.

And maybe somebody's cab was used

to drive somebody to the dead movie star's house to take a picture.

Maybe that too.

And maybe...come on, Eddie, I'm waitin'.

Maybe she wants this somebody to finger the guy who stole the diamonds.

How would she do that?

She said she could get hold of a photograph of him.

Bingo.

That is not an official bingo, you understand. It's a maybe.

But somebody identified this man,

in this picture, as the man who fenced

the diamond necklace belonging to Dorothea Page.

Sounds right. Maybe.

Hey, here's my fare. Keep that nose clean.

The service that we provide is a business.

But how many businesses experience the whole gamut of human emotions?

Grief, pain, anger.

Some of us call ourselves funeral directors.

I prefer the old-fashioned word - undertaker.

I undertake the pain of the bereaved that they cannot bear.

Our business is based on trust.

And without that trust, we lose our business.

So, it is in the spirit of that trust,

that I accept these awards

and thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

CHEERING DROWNS OUT CONVERSATION

Look at the camera.

Thank you. Thank you. I enjoyed it.

Oh, I haven't seen you for a long time. Thank you very much.

Hello, John. How's everything? Huh? Good.

Great speech, sir. Your office said that I'd find you here. This is not a bad time, is it?

Not at all. It's always a pleasure to see you. You intrigue me.

I just wanted to tell you that it wasn't Sonny Bono.

Excuse me? I said it wasn't Sonny Bono.

It wasn't him? Uh, no, sir, and it wasn't Sandra Bullock.

It wasn't her? No sir, no. And it wasn't even Steven Bochco.

Who was it? You're not going to believe this, sir. My cousin -

It was him. No, no, no. My cousin, he works for the cab company.

Drives a cab and I went down to see him and...

they got this big map of the city down there,

and he's writing on the blackboard, heavy traffic, HB. What's HB?

He says Hollywood Boulevard.

Holy jamolies!

HB - Hollywood Boulevard,

SB - Sunset Boulevard.

Very good. We're off to the bar. Are you going to join us?

In a few minutes. You go ahead. Have yourself a ball.

You bet! I'll see you later.

I think it might be an idea if we went somewhere private

where we could chat. If you'd follow me, please.

This cousin of yours, do you see him often?

Once a month.

That must cover any fresh news he has. Is he on your mother's side?

No, sir, on my father's.

Oh, on your father's side. I see.

You know, lieutenant, you appear to have something on your mind.

What's bothering you? A couple of those photos you took,

they were OK, but, er... this is the man I would trust.

Yeah, I'm flattered. If you wouldn't mind stepping over here,

just come this way. I think this will provide adequate privacy.

Nice comfortable seat if you'd care to step in.

And I'll be with you in a moment. (SLAMS DOOR)

Is there, er, something in this, sir?

Have no fear. It's just for display.

Empty as a tomb.

Yes. Do you always carry that paraphernalia with you?

Sir?

All the things that you pull out of your pockets.

You know that Sunset Boulevard thing, it is intriguing.

It is, isn't it?

Oh, here we are. "Twelve noon, Houston. Fun. PH. SB."

And they were none of the SBs that we thought of.

Phone, PH - don't tell me that's phone.

Photo. Photo.

Photo, oh, yes.

Yes, and you did show us a photo of a house.

There must be some connection?

I found the house. On Sunset Boulevard?

Yes, big as life. Fascinating. Did you thank your cousin?

Oh, I did, sir. I gave him three golf balls, but, er...

..he'd never heard of Dorothea Page.

Dorothea Page?

It was her house. She died there.

Dorothea Page, one of my idols.

Aw, she was one of the greats, sir.

A detective, Big George Tuttle, he's an old friend of mine,

you know, he told me, he told me that when she died,

there was a million dollar diamond necklace on her body.

I can remember the very night.

It was a Sunday, September 1979.

Her body was brought to the Haverland funeral home.

You were there? Yeah. At the home? Yes.

I, I was there. Wow.

It was after midnight. I was working late.

We had four big funerals the following day.

I had a lot of preparation to do.

Then the phone rang. Dorothea Page had died.

Could the body be collected so I sent the ambulance.

I just sat there, devastated, reliving my -

reliving my memories of her and the...the ambulance returned,

the body was brought in and then the phone rang again.

This time it was the police and they said that inadvertently,

a diamond necklace had been left around her neck

before the ambulance took her, and had I found it?

So, I said, of course not.

You hadn't pulled back the covers. Exactly.

So I told them to wait and that I'd go and check.

So, I...

I pulled the cover back and no necklace.

Uh-oh. So, I went back to the phone and I told the police the bad news.

and they said, "Don't leave the premises."

I bet they were there in five minutes.

Two. And you let them search the mortuary?

I insisted on it. They never found the necklace.

Not to this day. Wow. What a mystery, huh?

Yeah.

So, what do you think really happened there, sir? Who stole that necklace?

In my opinion, to this day, I still believe it was the help.

The help at her house.

The help. Why do you say that, sir?

Her negligee.

It was stained, it was soiled.

No decent human being would let such a lady of class

be seen in a rag.

Eric, you're the man of the year! We're waiting for you.

I'll, I'll be with you in, in a minute, yes.

Now, my er...my public awaits.

Would you excuse me, lieutenant? Oh, go right ahead, sir.

Do you mind if I sit here for a moment?

Something just struck me.

Have to think.

Make yourself at home.

Everyone, silence! Silence!

Thank you.

Maestro, play.

# For he's a jolly good undertaker

# For he's a jolly good undertaker

# For he's a jolly good undertaker

# This no-one who dies can deny

# This no-one who dies can deny

# This no-one who dies can deny

# For he's a jolly good undertaker

# This no-one who dies can deny! #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Drink, sir? A glass of orange juice, please. No ice.

Hey! See the guy next to me? Wanna guess what he does for a living?

Not really.

LAUGHTER

Miss, Miss, you gotta understand,

Sam hasn't been next to a warm body in years.

I wonder why.

What's your name, hon?

Morticia?

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

Gentle...men!

Thank you. What is your name? I'm Roberta, sir.

Roberta, to make up for the charm and grace of my colleagues,

would you kindly pour a round of drinks for the entire bar?

That will be my treat.

(LAUGHS)

Does that include me, sir?

Please...thank you.

Just kidding, sir. I'm still on duty.

Sorry to bother you again, but I'd be very grateful

if, uh...

..you could take a look at this.

This is my night of honour.

I would like to enjoy it.

I understand that, sir and I'm going to be out of your hair in a jiffy.

READS NOTES

Sounds like we both know whom.

Well, it has to be her, but, why? Why, sir? Why would she do that?

No idea. It's very disturbing, isn't it?

Very.

I could, er... really be on my way, sir,

if you would kindly listen to this too.

Yes, I'll listen to it.

VERITY: I'm working on a story that will rattle a few skeletons.

Watch this Sunday for Grisly Undertakings On Sunset Boulevard.

Hm. She certainly has a way with words.

Oh, you were talking about Grisly Undertakings On Sunset Boulevard.

Yes, I hope nothing serious has happened to Verity,

but, you know, sometimes these tabloid journalists, they...

..they thrive on sensation.

Right, sir, right. So, what you figure is that, er...

She was going to do one of those sensationalised tabloid TV stories

on you and those missing diamonds. Is that what you think?

I think she was. I do, yeah. Yeah.

What about the photo of the house?

Did she take that to show her viewing audience

as part of the TV show?

So, that's what you think?

Uh, no, sir, er...

She took THAT photograph...

..to show to somebody at the funeral.

Really?

DRUM ROLL

Ladies and gentlemen, in honour of Eric Prince, Mortician Of The Year,

I dug up a little funeral medley for you all,

and it goes a little like this.

# When a body meets a body

# In the dead of night

# Should a body hide a body

# Or cremate it tonight?

# After the wake is over

# After we've all gone home

# After the body's buried

# Then we can all get stoned...

# He'll be buried six feet under when he goes

# He'll be buried six feet under when he goes

# He'll be buried six feet under,

# And it isn't any wonder

# He'll be buried six feet under when he goes

# Come on along, come on along, Eric Prince is the man of the year

# Come on along, come on along, he's the reason

# For the beer

# You know that he's the one we all are here to see

# Dear Eric!

# Come on along, come on along

# Let's give the guy a cheer! #

CHEERING

Very nice, my friend. Very nice! Thank you.

Thank you.

Much as I loved her, I never did see Dorothea Page's house.

Did anyone else recognise the photo?

No, sir. No, not a soul.

What a shame.

For a moment, there, I thought you were really on to something.

DRUM ROLL

OK, ladies and gentlemen. Let's liven things up a bit, shall we?

This is a party after all.

One, two, three and...

Everybody, sing along.

You left this in the hearse.

I'm sure you want to keep it with your other awards.

My cousin, he's got one just like it from the uh...bowling league.

Thank you.

You'll have to forgive them, lieutenant.

You know, sometimes, our business can be - shall I say

a little morbid?

Believe me, sir, if I had your job,

I'd be doing this every night.

Well, if she was following this diamond-necklace caper,

she certainly didn't tell me.

And you checked everything here?

Oh, you bet. Not a mention of it anywhere.

Here's a really strange thing, though.

All the staff have them. Verity always carried hers.

What is it? It's a phone pager combined.

Look, here's where you paged me to have me come over.

Oh, yeah. Lieutenant Columbo, 3:30. Yeah.

Now, here's the really strange part.

When the public have gossip, it usually comes in here. That's email.

Then it gets transferred to her pager.

Now...

Look at the screen.

What is interrupted? Cut off. Gone.

Dead.

What could have cut off her pager?

At 12:32?

I've no idea.

How's the pup?

That's our remembrance package. That costs $47,000.

Oh, I'll remember that one. Of course we have other options.

Excuse me. Nice to see you again.

Mrs Lerby has come to take her husband to his final rest.

Our condolences. Oh, gee! He's heavier now than when he was alive.

Have you selected a place for dispersal?

Well, he was the king of double knits. I think I'll just spread him over one of his stores.

I think that Mrs Lerby is pulling our leg.

The ashes will be dispersed over the ocean by our helicopter at eight o'clock tonight.

Uh, cremation. That might be the way to go.

There's no worms, but that's hot, right?

Well, let me show you the procedure, please. Oh, thank you. After you.

I'm leaving now but I'll be back in good time for the service.

Yeah, very fine, thanks.

GERALD: We would wheel you in on a gurney just like this one.

And if I had to store you overnight,

we'd put you in here - the refrigerator.

Is that thing always locked?

Well, if a body is stored overnight, it is locked.

We wouldn't want it to run away on us!

No, sir. Do all the employees have keys?

Just me. Good afternoon, lieutenant. Welcome to my parlour.

He is interested in the cremation procedure.

Is he? Gerald, I'm not too happy

with the flowers in the chapel. You have a good eye,

would you check it out? I'll take over here.

Pleasure meeting you, lieutenant.

I'll give you the tour.

Here we have an injector tube for blood and er...formaldehyde.

And here we have scalpels, needles and thread,

putty, pancake make-up, powder.

A mortician not only has to be a surgeon,

but also part-beautician, and part make-up artist.

Now this thing is called a trocar. You can take it

it's been sterilised. We insert that into you, attach the tube

to extract your combustible gases.

It must be a funny job, sir - being a mortician.

It has its moments, but that is an indispensable piece of equipment.

I don't know what I would do without it.

So, you undress the body,

then you do whatever you have to do with that stuff there.

Dress it again and then what?

Well, in the box, in the coffin, in the casket.

Like that one there, sir?

That's a very popular model.

Could two people fit in there?

No. What do you have in mind?

Oh, it's a crazy thought. You know, the wife and I,

we do everything together.

Nah, forget it.

Where's the oven? The oven?

Here's our little oven.

What we do is, up with the door...

..in you pop, turn on the heat and away you go.

What heat would that be, sir? 1600 degrees.

And my wife doesn't even like sunburn.

And when it's finished, everything gone?

All gone.

And one person can run the oven?

Yes.

A whole body can fit into one of those?

A human being is mostly water. A man of your size would probably

burn down to about five pounds.

Oh, I forgot something.

The Dan Riley...

The Dan Riley ceremony.

These are his dancing shoes.

They'll be buried with him. Would you care to see?

Er, yes, I would, sir, yeah.

Everything would burn in that oven?

Of course, there are exceptions.

Some things you can't cremate. Pacemakers for instance. They're made of titanium.

Uh, Mr Houston, he didn't have one of those, did he?

No.

That's much better, Gerald. You and Hugo can go now.

Do check everything before the service.

It shall be done, sir. Thank you. Thank you, Hugo.

Now, after the service, these are placed in the casket, before the casket is closed.

Sir, in case you were wondering -

Miss Chandler - she didn't wear a pacemaker.

I wasn't wondering. Yeah, but she did have one of these.

This is a pager.

She had this model, sir. She carried this with her everywhere.

Probably in her pocket. And this would tell her

when she received email messages from the computer.

And you know, on the day she disappeared,

she received messages, oh, let's see, 11:13 and 11:57.

Then, at 12:32...

The pager cut off.

No more signals. Kaput!

What do you think caused that?

Oh, oh. Ah, that is a burning question, sir.

I think she was dead.

Really? Yeah, I think she was killed right here at the Houston service.

But what would the killer do with the body?

He would get rid of it. He'd cremate it.

There was only one cremation and that was Chuck Houston's.

Yes, so the killer would have had to have switched the bodies.

Switched Chuck Houston with Miss Chandler.

I see, so if he had switched the bodies,

that would explain how the pager went kaput.

Yes, sir. It would.

Yes, I see. Well, since there was only one cremation that day,

and I performed it, that would make ME the murderer.

Do tell me, do you, er, do you have any bodies?

Er, no, sir, I don't.

If you don't have any bodies, you can't prove that there was a switch.

Er, no, sir, I can't.

No bodies, no case.

I suppose so.

Well, that's the tricky thing about burning questions.

Once they're burned,

they're just ashes, ashes.

Have you gone?

That's a nice display, ma'am.

My housekeeper minds it.

If I'd done it, they'd all be cockeyed like me.

Nice place you've got here.

Oh, it's just a little old ranch house.

800 acres.

Chuck just craved it for his horses like I crave my Bourbon.

Oh, my God!

Are you all right? I'm psychotic, lieutenant.

I should get disaster aid like Chuck.

Poor darlin'. He was wounded so many times in the war.

You should have seen his X-rays. They were so grisly.

He mounted one like the one on the wall.

The one that made him limp till the day he died.

You wanna know why I'm like this?

Because when you called and said you'd be here in an hour,

I just had to help myself to a few cocktails,

because I know why you are here.

Well, I just wanted to ask you a few questions, ma'am.

All right. I confess.

I confess. I throw myself on the mercy of the court. I did it.

Did what, ma'am?

I threw Chuck's ashes over the sign. The Hollywood sign.

Oh, well, that's against the law, ma'am and er...

That's not -

Good.

Oh, I only did it because I thought he'd like it.

Am I going to do time?

You just told me the best confession I ever heard.

I did? Are you going to arrest me?

I'm going to arrest you, ma'am, like no-one has ever been arrested before.

He was a great artist...

..ladies and gentlemen.

And now, a special tribute that I know Dan would appreciate.

# TEA FOR TWO

Beautiful.

Just beautiful.

Thank you.

But I didn't come here for the service, sir.

That's a pity.

But I have to speak to you, sir, tonight.

This is not the time nor the place.

When and where, sir?

This service will be over soon. I'll be working late in my office at 9pm.

That should fit in very well. At nine?

Yes. I'll leave the gate open. You make a left.

Follow the site of the building and my office is on the right.

There's a sign. Left. Right. A sign.

And you'll be there. Yes. Thank you very much, sir.

And I'm sorry about the intrusion.

Yes.

You sure know how to send somebody away in style.

KNOCKING

Come in!

Oh, good evening.

Right on time. Oh, tea for two.

I thought it might be appropriate

after that service you attended today.

I hope you - pull up a chair. I hope you like tea.

It's my wife's favourite, sir.

Splendid. Help yourself to milk and sugar, will you?

Very nice, sir. Very nice, indeed. These tongs... Very nice.

My wife, she uses a spoon.

Does she?

Oh, very nice.

Nice flavour. Never tasted anything like it.

Darjeeling.

I've been chasing guys like you for 25 years.

Caught every one except you.

I hate to lose. So do I.

You heard the one about the wealthy old lady,

she hated her kids but she loved her dog? I'm afraid not.

The dog always wore a rhinestone collar.

And when the old lady died, the kids couldn't find the money.

Disappeared.

Eight years later the dog died.

It was cremated. Nothing left

except a mound of ashes

and a $450,000 pile of diamonds.

So that wasn't a rhinestone collar

the dog had on. No, sir.

No, that was a $450,000 diamond collar.

Fascinating.

You see, sir, diamonds don't burn.

But...you already know that, sir.

That's why you took Dorothea Page's necklace off her dead neck,

opened her mouth and dropped it down her throat.

So you could cremate the body the next day,

take the diamonds out of the oven and put 'em in your pocket.

Why am I tellin' you this?

Because it makes me feel good.

I gotta get some satisfaction out of this case.

Oh, I'm going to make an arrest tonight.

HELICOPTER

But I can't lay a finger on you, sir.

I haven't understood one word that you've been saying,

but that last part about the finger - I like that.

It sounds good.

What's that thing doing here tonight?

Oh, that's gonna land, sir. Is it?

Yeah, that's landing.

I'll go check on it.

Hold on just one minute. Let me take another sip of this beautiful tea.

These tongs, sir, they're really special.

Why don't you keep them? Save your wife using the spoon.

Thank you very much. That's very nice.

Oh, yeah, these,

they could come in useful.

Are you ready?

I'm ready now, sir.

Hey, guys! Switch on your headlights

and sidelights! Let's get some light on this thing.

Yes, lieutenant. What's Mrs Houston doing here?

That lady is my arrest. Arrest? Why?

She spread her husband's ashes over the Hollywood hills.

That's against the law. Oh, Eric, I've been such a fool.

Yes. It's all going to be all right. Yeah, maybe.

If you tell the judge the warning about it's against the law

is in very fine print, you can hardly read it,

if you do that, that could help her. It shall be done.

All right, ma'am. Would you return to the police car, please?

Now, go.

Just precisely what is going on here, lieutenant?

Oh, it will all be all right, sir.

Just to verify for my report, did you cremate Mr Houston on 12:20pm, Thursday afternoon? I did.

Very good.

Uh, you, sir, the pilot, they tell me they call you Joe.

Come on over here, Joe. Bring that bag with you.

Are you the pilot that works for the Prince funeral home?

Yes, sir, I am. And on Thursday, did this woman, Mrs Houston

bring ashes aboard your 'copter

and tell you to fly over the Hollywood sign? Yes, sir, she did.

And did she then dump those ashes over that sign? She did, lieutenant.

I'll take that bag, thank you.

Did you report that? No, sir, I didn't.

All right, report to the squad car, please.

Thank you very much.

The name Lerby written here.

Did you write that Friday night when you cremated the body?

I did, but how the blazes -

I radioed the pilot, ordered him back here.

His licence is in jeopardy.

Forgive me, ma'am. I'm Lieutenant Columbo. We met this morning.

I'm afraid I had to confiscate your husband's ashes.

Oh, no, he's like a bad penny.

One question, was your husband a war hero?

War hero?! He was never in any war.

Never served? He was 4 Fs, just like everything else in his life.

Never decorated? Of course not. Isn't that something?

Cos I'm thinkin' of Chuck Houston

who was not only a movie idol, he was a legitimate war hero.

He fought all across the Pacific, was wounded, hospitalised,

endured pain. You should see his X-rays.

He even had 'em framed. Walked with a limp till the day of his death.

Now, Mr Prince. If you did cremate Chuck Houston

on Thursday as you claim, when Mrs Houston spread those ashes

over the Hollywood hills, Chuck and everything with him,

ended up on that hillside.

But if you didn't, if instead, his body was switched...

I thought these might be useful.

Chuck Houston had a piece of shrapnel in him.

A piece of shrapnel made of stainless steel.

Hardest metal on earth, sir.

Like titanium, won't melt if you put 2,000 degrees on it.

Hard evidence, very distinctive shape.

I think the chances that this piece of metal

is going to match Mr Houston's X-rays are pretty good.

Now, sir, perhaps you can explain

how a piece of Mr Houston's 50-year-old war record

ended up in the urn of a 48-year-old leisure-wearing porter.

Very good.

Very, very good.

Will you excuse me, please?

Where are you going, Mr Prince?

I'm going to the police car.

I'm wondering if we should travel separately,

or perhaps you care to join me?

Well, it's up to you, sir. It's, uh...

..your funeral.

# TEA FOR TWO

subtitles by Deluxe

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