Original subtitles

..Over a mile backup there. Paramedics are at the scene.

Weather-wise, hardly a cloud in the sky. But don't let that fool you.

A storm moving in from the northwest should hit sometime this evening.

On the political front, the hot topic is who Governor Montgomery will pick as his presidential running mate.

The Governor continues the careful weighing of options that is his style

A spokesman indicated we should not expect an announcement, before primary night, four days away.

Polls conducted by the LA Times

show the frontrunner to be our own popular congressman, Paul Mackey...

How do I look? Terrific.

Neal Laxon, please. Oscar Finch calling.

San Francisco's our Achilles heel, Oscar.

That's why we're about to buy baby a new pair of shoes.

Hello, Neal. How are you?

Glad to hear it. I'm just fine, thanks.

Paul Mackey and I are on our way to the Biltmore. Things look good apart from San Francisco.

We need some help there fast.

How about 750,000? A lot of money to whom, Neal?

Tell our mutual friend he won't be forgotten when the Governor wins.

Montgomery likes oil wells on the horizon.

Ready? Do I look ready? Winners are always ready.

When this is over I'm gonna buy you the best frozen yogurt in town.

I'm nervous as hell, Oscar. Gives you an edge. Besides, he's not a dentist, just the ex-president.

Morning, Congressmen.

Paul! Good to see you.

Tim, how are ya? Great. This is Oscar Finch. It's about time, sir. It's a pleasure.

Thank you.

Do you mind waiting a few minutes? The Governor is anxious to meet you. I'd like that. Terrific.

May I use your phone? Be our guest.

This way, please.

Jim? Congressman Mackey.

Thanks for coming, Paul. My pleasure, sir. Coffee? No, thanks. Tim? No, I'm fine. Sit down. Relax.

You're looking good, Paul. Never felt better.

Family? Great. Cynthia's my right arm. She thrives on campaigning.

My wife's the same. We got lucky, huh?

That was some speech. Wish I'd seen those chicken-hearts squirm.

I addressed some of the issues.

Thousands of homeless people

in everybody's home town. We're selling off the United States piece by piece.

What's next? General Electric, Ford Motor Company?

If we don't take action, the US will be up for grabs. It's time the people know what's going on.

Amen to that. I hear you had some of 'em out of their seats cheering.

Nobody slept through it, that's for sure. A mighty fine speech. Tell the truth, Paul.

Did you write it yourself?

Just pulling your leg. I tend to do that every so often. Right, Tim? Yes, sir.

I know you wrote it yourself. You write all your speeches yourself.

Otherwise I wouldn't be talking to you, because I wouldn't know who I was talking to.

Now... how about we cut to the chase, gentlemen?

We've heard the rumours where your name is connected to mine.

You read the papers. Now I want to make it formal.

Congressman Mackey, sir, I'd like you to give serious thought to joining me in a most noble effort,

as my running mate in a no-holds- barred, winner-take-all race

for the presidency of the United States.

Montgomery and Mackey - how's it sound?

Governor...

sounds to me like a winning ticket.

Mr Finch, the Governor will see you now. Later.

Let me be the first to congratulate you, Mr Finch.

Paul and I are embarking on a helluva exciting journey, and you helped make that possible.

I'm in your debt. My pleasure, sir.

A chance to do what needs to be done Can I make it? You're halfway there.

I want you with me, Oscar. President Mackey.

Attorney General Oscar Finch. I like the sound of that. Like the echoes.

Cynthia did a nice job, hm? Yeah. Paul found himself a great hostess.

Essential to a successful career. Only reason I married you. Don't tell me!

(PHONE RINGS) Darling, can you get it? Got it.

Hello?

Frank?

I told you not to bother me again. There's nothing I can do for you.

I advised you who to get. They're the smartest guys in town.

Never mind about them not being in my league!

I'm all through being your problem-solver. It's history.

Frank...

Frank, I am not going to talk any more about this on the phone.

Fine. Where are you?

Who's with you?

Alright. Give me half an hour... 45 minutes.

Yeah.

See you.

Honey? I gotta go out. It's nearly midnight!

A contributor. I've been trying to nail this guy for months. He sounds like he's had a few drinks.

His chequebook's itching. When are we ever gonna get a break?

Soon as Montgomery wins California we'll take a trip. Shopping?A little something for the inaugural.

Get your beauty sleep. Good luck, darling.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

How're you doin', Oscar? Let's just get it over with, Frank.

You walked? You bet I did.

I could use the exercise. Besides the last thing I want is for someone to see my car in your driveway.

Our privacy's as good as gold, Oscar. Susan's in Hawaii and the housekeeper has the week off.

Nobody will ever know Oscar Finch dirtied his shoes on Frank Staplin's carpets.

Step right in.

How about you get out of that coat? You'll bake in here.

Toss it anywhere.

Oh, er, can I get you a drink? No, thanks, I'm fine.

I can't. Doctor's orders. I'm down to this. I made myself a little snack. Have a nibble.

What gives, Frank?

I am in real trouble, Oscar.

So what else is new?

Only this time it's more serious than anything I've ever had to handle.

You're worried about five years in jail, Frank? With good behaviour, 30 months.

No sweat, Frank. It's not me so much as Susan. I don't care to have her face the shame of it.

I need a favour, Oscar.

Forget it.

One document. The DA's case goes out of the window if he doesn't get hold of one lousy document.

Then don't let him have it.

It'll be on his desk in a couple of days. So I'll see you in five years.

I'd like to do this civilised. There is nothing to do.

One document in the nearest shredder, Oscar. You got friends in the right places who owe you favours.

That's your game. Forget it. We've got a history.

We've been down this road before. 21 years before, Frank.

Times change.

I'll see that you have any amount.

Cash that can't be traced. Swiss cash. I'm asking you nicely, Oscar.

You don't get it, Frank. I have a family, a great big career,

a future like you wouldn't believe.

There's no way I'm risking all that. How's your buddy, the congressman?

Word is he's going to be Montgomery's boy. You go way back.

Wasn't he working in the DA's office when you did me that favour a long time ago?

Your boy in the White House? Maybe, huh?

A nice cabinet post for Oscar Finch, perhaps.

Is that the big future? That's not a nice way to talk, Frank.

If I go down five years,

six months,

one day, Oscar...

I'm not gonna be too happy with the man that let it happen.

Happy or sad, Frank,

you can't prove a damn thing.

Who needs proof any more? You know politics these days.

I only have to mention your name, and a certain little incident that happened back in 1969...

..and you and your buddy are dead ducks

in Washington.

(CHUCKLES) Think it over, Oscar.

(PHONE RINGS)

You OK, Vicky? I'm fine, Sarge.

Jack, you're wanted outside.

Hey, Sarge? Yeah?

Yes, sir? Do you know anything about these things? This thing here. I think it's called a fax machine.

A what? Fax machine. Know anything about it? Never been near one. Me neither.

OK, Sergeant, what've you got?

The deceased's wife, Mrs Susan Staplin,

she was in Hawaii on vacation.

I heard somebody say she's on her way back. Yes, sir.

Called husband... Fellas, could I have it for a minute?

Come on, guys, let's give it over to the Lieutenant. Come on.

Let's keep 'em quiet out there, huh, George? Thank you.

OK. Called husband approximately 10.30pm, Hawaii time.

No answer.

She called again later.

No answer. Got wo...

Lieutenant?

Keep going, Sergeant. I'm listening. Got what?

Got worried. Called security. They sent Officer Rodriguez. Saw lights in house. No response. Made entry.

Found victim. 911 got called at 4.21am.

(SNIFFS)

It's regiano. What's the matter?

That cheese, Sergeant. That's Italian.

That, Sergeant, is the greatest. My father loves his regiano.

We gotta have a taste of that. This stuff has to be checked out, sir.

We're not touching anything that's been used.

Wait till you get a load of this.

And this is expensive, too.

One little piece like this, that's ten dollars.

Get a taste of that. No, thank you. You just gotta taste it.

Ohhh!

How about that?

It's different.

It happens to be especially good.

Make sure the boys put that aside, cos that's gonna travel.

OK. Now, the 911 came in at 4.21am. Yes, sir.

Victim expired of head wound.

.32 automatic. Weapon at scene.

No signs forced entry, no signs robbery. All signs suicide.

Looks like it.

What else, Lieutenant? Read this clipping?

The guy was about to get nailed.

Anybody here can work that machine? That thing back there?

The fax. I guess the deceased's secretary. She's out here someplace. Christy. Rebecca Christy.

Was she here last night? No, sir.

Mrs Staplin gave her address to the security people. She came in to ID the body. She's pretty upset.

Not a nice way to begin the day, having to identify a body.

There's only one thing that bothers me. What's that?

The gun.

See what you think.

You notice anything?

What? Man shoots himself in the head. The body slumps, arm falls, gun drops.

He bleeds on the floor.

Why do you suppose that all the blood is under the gun,

and there is no blood on top of the gun?

It's under, alright.

Could I borrow your handkerchief?

Well, whaddaya know about that? What?

See any blood on that side of the gun? Nothing. That's what bothers me.

If the gun fell on the blood, as it seems,

why didn't any of it stick to the underside of the gun?

Doesn't make sense.

Unless the blood had already dried.

Wait a minute. How could a guy kill himself, then, all that time later, after it dries, he drops the gun?

Good point, Sarge. You hit it the first time. Like you said, the blood couldn't dry right away, could it?

So what I'm trying to figure out is,

why did it take so long before the gun fell?

Have the guys find out the drying time for that amount of blood

in a room like this, and on a floor like this.

Have forensic back here, check it out some more.

Good as done, sir. George!

George!

Yo, coming! Wanna get back in here?

What's the secretary's name? Rebecca Christy.

I gotta start writing these things down. Don't forget, have 'em wrap up that cheese careful.

All through with the stiff, Lieutenant? Take it away.

Miss?

Er, ma'am, I'm Lt Columbo. I'm with the Los Angeles Police Department.

How do you do?

I know this is a bad time. I'm really sorry to have to bother you.

It's alright.

It's too bad about Mr Staplin.

Yes. He was so kind.

I wonder if you could help me out.

None of our boys, they don't know anything about that machine that's in your office.

The fax machine. You want me to send a letter?

Oh, no, no.

No, nothing like that.

I just would like it if you could show me how it works.

I'd appreciate that. Then I'll see to it that you're driven home.

All these new-fangled gadgets they come out with, they make me nervous.

Now, my wife, she's got a home computer.

She loves it. Me, I never go near it. Sit down here, ma'am.

We were the last people on the block to get an electric garage-opener.

Now, you can send a letter on this machine?

Yes. Any number of pages.

What makes it go? You dial in a number,

just like a telephone. Press start. That's all.

You can send it anywhere? Anywhere in the world that has a fax machine.

Anywhere in the world. And how long does it take? Seconds.

You mean, just by dialling like a phone number,

that letter will come out across the street

or on the other side of the world in seconds?

It's not the same letter. It's a copy, a facsimile.

A facsimile.

A fax!

Now I'm getting the hang of this thing.

OK.

Let me ask you this -

there is a page of a letter hanging out of the bottom of this machine.

What's that? It's the last page that was sent through.

Usually it's removed. You want it left here? For now, ma'am.

Did you send that letter? No.

Do you recognise that handwriting?

It's Mr Staplin's. Did he use this machine?

He used it frequently. Is there any way that you could determine what time this letter was sent?

I'll have to remove the page first. Let me, ma'am.

Susan...

Would that be Mrs Staplin?

Yes.

The last transmission was logged at 12.27am.

A one-page document that took 14 seconds to send.

Excuse me, ma'am, a one-page document?

But I see the second page to the letter here.

That's also in Mr Staplin's handwriting.

Would that mean that there was a two-page letter...

..but only one page was sent? I guess.

It was faxed to this number. Isn't that the area code for Hawaii?

It's the hotel where Mrs Staplin was staying.

Isn't that remarkable?

A letter sent 2,500 miles across the Pacific in 14 seconds.

I don't mean to burden you, Miss Christy,

but could you come into Mr Staplin's office for just a minute?

You know, when I saw the telephone on Mr Staplin's desk,

I almost got dizzy!

That's some device. There's gotta be 30 buttons there,

not including the ones you dial with.

Would you bag this, please? Yes, sir.

Yes, it's a sophisticated instrument.

It can memorise 100 numbers for speed dialling.

There's conference calling, date and time, appointment-reminder,

speaker phone, last-number redial...

That's the one feature I heard about.

How would you work that feature?

You just press this button that says redial.

That's it?

Uh-huh. It's embarrassing.

Are you finished with the phone? All done, Lieutenant. Thank you.

Just push this button. And the phone will automatically redial the last number.

(RINGING TONE)

'Good morning. Finch residence. May I help you?'

My housekeeper says you're from the police.

Er, Lieutenant Columbo, ma'am.

I, er, I apologised to the lady who answered the door, when she told me you were having breakfast, ma'am.

And I would like to say to you personally... What can I do for you, Lieutenant?

I just have a few questions, ma'am.

We're investigating a matter concerning a man named Frank Staplin.

Is that name familiar to you?

No. Should it be? Well, we have reason to believe that Mr Staplin called here last night.

That call came in,

according to the phone company, at 11.46pm.

Were you home then, ma'am? We'd just come from dinner. There was a call, but Oscar took it.

I don't know who it was from. It was a very short call, ma'am.

Perhaps you should speak to my husband. If it's really essential.

I do have to speak to him, ma'am, if it's not disturbing him too much.

He's not home. Another early bird. He's gone to a breakfast appointment

Where's the best place to reach him, ma'am?

I don't know. He's a busy man. You should make an appointment.

Don't you dare! Was it you? I beg your pardon, ma'am? Don't you dare light that cigar!

Were you here last night with one of those? No, ma'am, it wasn't me. You have my word I'm not gonna light it.

As a matter of fact, I've never been in these offices before. They're very nice.

I apologise, Lieutenant. I'm a little sensitive this morning. No need to apologise.

This putrid atmosphere left here by someone so inconsiderate,

they smoked a foul-smelling cigar in Mr Finch's office without once taking into account

that the air-conditioning goes off in the evenings. Yes, ma'am.

How can I help you?

If possible, I'd like a word with Mr Finch.

He'll be here momentarily, if you'd take a seat.

Thank you very much, ma'am.

You know, it's strange.

When I first came in here I began wondering,

what was the one thing here that reminded me of home?

It was the aroma.

Louise, who parked that decomposing rattletrap in my space? I don't know

Have it towed away. We have busy morning.

There's a new client and someone from the police is coming. Fit him in sometime this afternoon.

Would that be a silver Peugeot convertible, sir? Who said that?

I did. And who might you be? I'm the police.

That oxidised relic is yours? Well, it gets me from here to there, sir.

I'm sorry. I had no idea it was your spot.

Be with you in a moment, er, Lieutenant.

Come in, Louise.

Here are the notes from the Thompson breakfast.

Put him down next Monday, same time. What time am I due at the Biltmore? 20 minutes, sir.

Have the functions manager collect the dignitaries list, and I'll meet him in the ballroom.

Here's the client. Dr Menton.

Put him down for 10.15 at the house. Call and confirm. Then court?

Two cases? Kinsel and Fleming. A breeze.

Lunch with Congressman Mackey, and afternoon with the campaign manager. Have Haynes call me on the car phone

confirm the itinerary. Is that all? Yes, sir. A few messages. Nothing urgent. Thanks, Louise.

Lieutenant, you're here to talk to me about the death of Frank Staplin. I can give you just five minutes.

You astonish me, sir! I'm familiar with the procedure.

At approximately 11.45 last night I had a call from Mr Staplin.

I understand that he died during the night,

which, regrettably, means that one of the last calls he made in his life was to me.

I realised that although his death was called a suicide, it was of a violent nature, that is, by gunshot,

and the standard procedure of investigation

would include interviewing the last persons the victim saw or spoke to.

You will have a list of his final calls and my number will be there.

If he called from his house you will have a record of that too,

and the police would wish to see me. My only surprise is how soon you got here.

I learned one very important lesson this morning, Mr Finch. What's that?

Never bet on your opposition in court.

Hm.

I never met Frank Staplin. But in some small way I feel a certain responsibility for his death.

Sir? When he called he was desperate. If I hadn't known him by reputation, I'd have known from his voice.

His voice, sir? How did it sound?

Extremely disturbed.

You never met him?

No. He called months ago, seeking counsel in a criminal case,

but I was busy at the time and had to turn him down.

When he called night he said he was about to fire his attorneys.

They were fools and incompetents. He needed new counsel,

and this time he was willing to pay any price that I asked.

But you refused him again? Yes, I did.

Would you walk with me to my car, Lieutenant? I detest being late.

An hour or two later, he shot himself.

I hope it wasn't because I turned him down.

Until last night all I really knew about Frank Staplin was from newspapers, courtroom gossip.

Like everybody, I formed an opinion long ago. I thought he was guilty.

Perhaps of worse crimes than he was accused.

But now he's dead, maybe because a stranger that he turned to for help refused him,

I can't help feeling a certain pity for him.

I understand, sir. What make of car is that?

It's a Peugeot.

Very unusual.

French. Really?

Excuse me. Once again, sir, sorry I took your parking spot. Don't give it another thought.

And if you need further assistance, please get in touch.

Yes, Lieutenant?

You know, ma'am, there's none of that odour left!

That's a wonderful spray! And it has a very nice scent to it.

Could you give me the name of that for my wife? She'd find it useful. You know what I mean.

I'm glad you like it. It's non-toxic and it's not easy to come by.

But I've got an extra can. I'll get it for you. Oh, no... No arguments. You shall have it.

Here you are. Let me, ma'am, er... It's not office property. I buy it myself. My compliments to your wife.

Thank you, ma'am. That's very kind.

You're welcome.

Through the lobby, up the stairs, past the elevators, take a left,

and it's the fourth double door on the left? That's right.

Mr Finch?

Er, just one more thing, sir. When you can spare a minute.

One moment, Lieutenant. I'm just finishing up here.

Everything seems to be going according to plan.

Any problems, you know where I am.

Thank you, John. You run a nice hotel.

Well, no difficulty in finding me, I trust? No, sir. Thank you.

Something turn up? I meant to ask you back at the office, but what with one thing and another, you know.

I was rather pressed for time. Still am, as a matter of fact.

It's about the voice, sir. Voice? On the telephone.

Mr Staplin's. The late-night call.

Yes? What about it?

You said that you could tell he was desperate.

I think you said that he sounded extremely disturbed.

I think that's how you would have described it had you heard him.

But I didn't, sir, and you did.

What were the words?

What did he say?

The exact words? If you can remember.

No problem there. I'll never forget 'em. Wonderful, sir. What were they?

"What the hell am I gonna do?"

Beg your pardon? That's what he said.

Just that? He said it twice.

"What the hell am I gonna do? What the hell am I gonna do?"

"Jesus!"

Oh, he said that too? Yes. Then he hung up.

"What the hell am I gonna do? What the hell am I gonna do?"

That word, then he hung up.

Well, that's desperate alright. Yes, sir.

Yeah, you could say that that is extremely disturbed.

Oh, dear...

Mm.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I'll...

I'd better be running along.

Oh, yes, sir. Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Don't mention it.

Good luck!

Oh, Mr Finch?

SIR?

Yes?

You had a meeting in your office last night? Is that a question?

All the cigar smoke.

Maybe you didn't notice when you arrived this morning.

Your secretary Miss Louise sure did a number on it. Quite a lady!

Don't know what I'd do without her. Yes, I did have a meeting last night

Was that before or after dinner, sir?

(MIRTHLESS LAUGH)

You know,

you're, er, you're rather subtle for a man who appears so... overt.

Is that good, sir? Oh, it's, er...

not too bad at all.

It was, er, after dinner.

Did my wife also tell you what was on the menu? No, sir.

But that meeting was very late, then, wasn't it, sir? After midnight.

Yes.

And after the call from Mr Staplin?

That's correct.

But the meeting wasn't with Mr Staplin, was it, sir?

What o'clock do you have?

I beg your pardon?

My... timepiece says 10.09, and counting.

I'm sure your timepiece is correct, sir. I have six minutes to make my appointment the other side of town.

If I get a speeding ticket will you care of it? Well...

I detest being late. I also detest having to repeat myself.

Come, Lieutenant.

A man of your intelligence will not have overlooked the fact

that I told you twice that I have never met Mr Staplin.

Does that cover it? That covers it, sir.

Have a nice remainder of the day, Lieutenant.

This'll be real quick, sir, I promise.

Would you mind telling me who you had that meeting with last night?

You should know better. You've heard of client confidentiality.

Maybe you can help me with this other thing I don't understand.

Your wife said the phone rang just after you two came home last night.

Is that your memory, sir? Yes. And after the call you went to your office and met someone? Yes.

Did you drive, sir? Of course. And the individual you met drove too?

Yes. What's your point?

Was that a meeting that was planned, sir? It was so late at night.

There were actually two calls last nigh. One was from Staplin.

The other was a client who wished to meet me urgently.

But your wife said there was only one call, sir.

There's no mystery. We have call-waiting.

The second call came in while Mr Staplin was on the line.

Which is why your wife didn't hear the second ring. There wasn't one.

Well, that's terrific. That's very good.

We cleared that one up very easily. And I'm glad,

because that was one of the few loose ends I was having trouble with. That's great. You know what, sir?

We did it in 72 seconds. How's that for problem-solving?

Any more questions? Not at the moment. Except, why aren't you on your way to court? It's a good one.

(TYRES SCREECH)

I loved when you asked if he could see in the dark. 30 yards on a dark night. You called him Mr Cats-Eyes!

Congratulations, Oscar. You did it again. Nailed me to the wall. Better luck next time, James.

Then you played the tape of the automatic firing 18 rounds!

At full volume. Back to work, folks.

See you later. See you later.

Me too, Lieutenant.

You win another, Mr Finch? I'd say I acquitted myself reasonably well.

Wish I coulda seen you in action. You're most welcome anytime.

I tried to get here earlier, but I had to see Mrs Staplin. How is she bearing up? Courageous woman, sir.

I gotta say that, er...

I was just saying, there's something about the case that's gonna keep me awake tonight.

Which case? Oh, you know, sir. You have a bee in your bonnet about that suicide, don't you?

Not exactly, but I can't put it to bed yet.

Something about the fax that's puzzling me.

What facts? Oh, no, sir, the FAX. Oh, I see.

You're familiar with that instrument? We have two in our offices.

Well, sir, what's puzzling me is what Mr Staplin sent on his fax machine

to his wife in Hawaii at 12.27, just before he shot himself.

Suicide note? Oh, no, sir. That would be very strange, a suicide note on a fax machine.

You're losing me, Lieutenant.

I have a lunch appointment with Congressman Mackey and the primary is days away.

I must press on. I'm sorry, sir.

What restaurant are you going to? I could wait outside.

I'd hate you to drag all the way across town on a wild-goose chase.

Tell me, what exactly bugs you?

Well, sir, what's bugging me is, er...

since you were kind enough to tell me the last desperate words of the deceased -

"What the hell am I gonna do?" That business -

and as far as we know those were his last words -

how could he say that and still send this message on his fax machine just before he shot himself?

These are copies, sir.

One he sent, and the other one was beside the machine waiting to be sent

They're both jokes. He shot himself between jokes. Jokes?

Jokes. What jokes?

Good jokes. Try me.

Well, sir, the first one's Jewish and the second one's Irish. I hope they won't offend you.

Maybe the Irish. Then we'll just try the first one.

It's in his own handwriting. "Susan, what gives?"

"I tried calling you a few times. You fooling around with some gigolo?"

That's a joke, to start with. Mrs Staplin was nuts about him.

"Anyway, sweetie, we'll talk later."

"Heard a couple of jokes today. I think you'll like 'em."

First is a flasher story. A Jewish lady's walking down Beverly Drive,

and coming the other way, this flasher in his overcoat.

He whips open the coat. She looks at him and says,

"Do you call that a lining?"

Ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

(LAUGHTER BECOMES ALMOST HYSTERICAL)

You know what, Lieutenant? If Mr Staplin had told me that last night,

I might just have gone round and heard a few more,

and you wouldn't be in a bother, and I wouldn't be late for lunch.

Maybe you oughta hear the other one. No time.

I can't wait to tell that to Congressman Mackey.

So what do you think? It was good!

What do you think of him killing himself after that?

Oh, if you've solved the mysteries of the suicidal mind,

you're a smarter man than I, Lieutenant. "Call that a lining?"

Excuse me, sir, are you with the network?

Lt Columbo. I wonder if the Congressman could spare me a... few minutes?

I'm Toby Ritt, the Congressman's aide.

Lieutenant, this is not a good time. He has an important interview.

You'll have heard the speculation about his future in politics.

I'm sorry to interrupt something like that.

I wonder if he could spare four minutes? I'll be done before these fellows are ready.

Um... Word of honour, sir. Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to ask.

Er, the Congressman will see you now.

Lt Columbo. Few minutes earlier you'd have caught me without pants.

How do you do, sir? Let me say that I know how valuable your time is,

now more than ever,

and I appreciate these few minutes and I won't overstay my welcome. He's more of a politician than I am!

Make-up should be ready for you in five minutes, sir. Fine, Toby.

Take a seat, Lieutenant.

Thank you, sir.

This is a genuine antique, isn't it? Yes. It's been in the family for generations.

Last time I sat on one of these, it broke. Is that right?

I was in this lady's house, and you know how fragile they are.

What happened was, er... Well, let's just say, it cost me money, sir.

That one's made to last. What's on your mind?

That's another antique, isn't it? Yes, it is.

May I? Go ahead. What is it, sir? Cigar lighter. Turn-of-the-century English.

Oh! Does it work? No. It's a family heirloom. Belonged to my grandfather

In that case, sir, I'll just use this.

I'd prefer that you do not smoke, Lieutenant. You had some questions.

Oh, yes, sir, I did, yeah.

Uh...

Are you aware of the death of a man named...

Frank Staplin?

Of course. Suicide. That's what we're trying to determine, sir. The law requires...

I know what the law requires. I was an attorney. What about Frank Staplin?

You had lunch today with Oscar Finch? Yes, I did. You're old friends, I understand. Going on 20 years.

Well, it seems that Mr Staplin called Mr Finch at his house,

and as it turned out

that call came in about two hours before Mr Staplin died.

Did Mr Finch mention that to you at lunch today?

No. Wonder what reason he had for calling Oscar?

Um...

Could I borrow this?

Help yourself.

According to Mr Finch,

Mr Staplin wanted a new attorney.

I'm not surprised, considering the fix he was in. Can't seem to get this to work, sir.

Twist it.

Ah, yes.

Did you know of a prior relationship between Mr Staplin and Mr Finch?

No. That's not to say that none existed.

Staplin was a notorious racketeer. Oscar is a fine criminal lawyer.

It's entirely possible their paths may have crossed on some occasion.

You're not aware of any particular occasion? None at all.

Uh-huh.

Is that it?

Er, yes, sir, that's it. Thank you very much. Let me take this opportunity to wish you luck.

Thank you very much, Lieutenant.

Er, there's one more thing, sir.

Yes?

If it's not too much trouble, my wife would love your autograph.

Oh! Why, of course, Lieutenant.

No trouble at all. And when the time comes, I'd sure like her vote.

What's her name? Mrs Columbo.

Where the hell have you been, Oscar?

Running all over town for our noble cause.

Your boy Toby made it sound as though you needed Intensive Care.

I need one of those. What's going on? Sorry?

A homicide detective in my office.

Would you be referring to a certain Lt Columbo?

Right. Columbo.

Damn near busted in on my interview. You could take his act on the road!

He's harmless. Jumped-up Boy Scout. He's not so damned harmless when he's on my case about Frank Staplin.

How did he know we had lunch? I told him. You told him? Sure I told him.

He's snooping around, doing his job. They have to check the last people a suicide was in contact with.

He said Staplin called you two hours before he died. Sure he did.

And? He wanted me to represent him in the indictment.

I told him to get lost. And boy, did he ever!

That's it?

That's it.

Come on, Paul.

We've a lot of work to do. There's a long road ahead. Or would you rather forget about the White House?

Hello, sir! I'm glad I caught you before you go up to see the Governor.

In three minutes! Yes, sir. Your office told me.

Just one question, sir, then I'll be out of your hair.

Toby, you and Tim go on up. I'll follow in a minute. Yes, sir.

I'd be obliged if you'd get directly to the point, Lieutenant. Yes, sir.

Remember the other day

I asked if you were aware of any previous relationship

between Mr Finch and Mr Staplin?

Vividly. You answered that question. Yes.

What I neglected to ask was,

if YOU had any association with Mr Staplin.

For the record, I never spoke with him in person or on the phone.

As far as I know, we were never in the same place at the same time.

I never met Frank Staplin. Thank you, sir.

Is that all? That's all, sir. If only the rest of this case could wrap up so easily.

Aren't you spending an inordinate amount of time on a suicide? Oh, it's not that any more, sir.

It's been classified a homicide.

Since yesterday. Mr Staplin was murdered.

Well, that changes the tone of your investigation.

Yes, sir. We're looking for a cold- blooded killer. Good luck. Oh, sir,

thank you for that autograph.

My wife was thrilled when she saw your name in your writing on that

paper with the congressional heading!

Glad to hear that. Sorry, sir, but is there a chance we could get the Governor's autograph?

If my wife had that, well, she would be in seventh heaven.

I'll see what I can do. Thank you, sir.

Excuse me!

Excuse me. Yeah? I got a question for ya. Try me. My wife thinks I'm smarter than I look.

You collect and deliver laundry in this area? It says that on the van.

Got something more tricky? Is one of your customers the Finch family?

Finches? No. No Finches, no Sparrows, no Robins. I got a Mrs Bird, if that's any good.

No. And I used to be absurd, but now you'd hardly know it.

Good day, sir. Mr Amir? That is who I am.

Lt Columbo. I spoke earlier with your father.

Oh, yes, I've been expecting you, sir.

How do you do? Did you find those items?

This stuff was picked up by your driver from the Finch residence day before yesterday. Yes, sir.

We have prepared them for the machine.

Here, sir.

(SNIFFS)

You search for something, sir, yes?

Smoke.

Smoke? Cigar smoke.

Yes.

What caused that?

Water. Like walking in the rain?

Like Gene Kelly. That would do it every time, sir.

Mr Amir, I'd like to ask you for a big favour.

Is there someplace we can talk?

Anything I can do for the police would be my absolute pleasure, sir.

What I would like to do, sir, is take that suit for one day.

I'd give you a receipt. I guarantee you won't be held responsible.

But what do I tell the client when the item has not been returned on time, sir?

Mr Amir, there's one thing I know for sure -

that is not Mr Finch's only suit.

Are your deliveries always on time? We have an excellent reputation, sir

Except on rare occasions, when we have problems with the machines. That can happen anytime.

Yes, sir, that is true. It could happen anytime.

Thank you for your cooperation. My pleasure, sir. This way.

(SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE)

Well, good evening, Lieutenant! Good evening.

I'm glad I caught you. My wife wanted me to give you this thank-you note for the spray.

She's really enjoying it. It's a whole different house.

What a kind thought. She must be a very nice lady. Yes, ma'am.

I see Mr Finch's car outside in his own spot. He beat me to it.

Poor man. He's catching up on his homework. What with the primaries I don't know how he fits everything in

Could I duck in there for a minute?

Let me find out.

Come in!

Mr Finch, Lt Columbo is here.

Is he?

Sorry to disturb you, sir. If it's not convenient I'll come back another time.

I just need a little technical advice.

I'm, um... I'm very expensive.

Oh, shucks, sir.

What do you say, Louise?

I think a break would do you good. Alright. Come in, Lieutenant.

Are you through, Louise? I'm just going, sir. Have a good evening. Goodnight, Lieutenant.

At your service, Lieutenant.

Know what this is, sir?

If I'm not mistaken, that is a 3.2 automatic.

That's the gun that killed Mr Staplin. Is it?

Not THE one, but it's the same model. The real one's been impounded...

Pending closure of the investigation.

Exactly, sir.

What about it?

If I could just show you what's puzzling me, sir.

Perhaps I could use your desk? Be my guest.

I'm gonna need something to represent a few drops of blood.

Could I use some water from that thing?

The carafe? Help yourself.

I notice that you have carpet on the floor, sir.

Mr Staplin had wood under his desk. Could you spare some paper, sir?

Paper? Certainly.

Thank you.

(PHONE RINGS) Excuse me.

Yes? Oh, how are you?

I can't right now. I'm in a meeting.

Alright. I'll call you when I'm through.

Goodbye.

I'm sorry about that. We won't be disturbed again.

I've switched on the answering service. Now, where were we?

This is about where the blood was.

Let me show ya.

This is Mr Staplin's desk.

I'm his body.

Now, sir, after he's dead,

here's his arm,

and there's the gun under it on the floor.

Er, how does that look to you, sir? YOU saw it.

Right, sir. So here's the weird bit -

this is how it looked after he'd done what he was supposed to have done.

But something's puzzling me, sir.

I was wondering, maybe with your expertise, you could help me.

I'll do my best.

If you'll take a closer look, sir. Closer? Certainly.

In here. In there. In the chair? Yeah.

It's the blood underneath the gun.

You see, sir, there was no blood on the gun.

None on this side or the underside.

So the blood must have dried

before the gun fell from his hand on the floor.

You see, sir... this water hasn't dried yet.

So how could a man shoot himself,

having a gun dangling from his fingers,

and it not drop until sometime later?

It just has me baffled, sir.

Fascinating.

Yes, sir.

But not beyond explanation.

You mean there's some way that can have happened?

Did Staplin have arthritis?

Arthritis?

In the hands?

Oh, I don't know, sir. Check it up. Yeah.

In the fingers. If there was a certain amount of calcification

it could have delayed their extension before the spasm.

Spasm. Yes.

Invariably a spasm or a digestive quiver occurs

after other bodily functions have ceased and before the onset of rigor mortis.

You mean that the gun could have dangled on his finger

with the arthritis delaying it from dropping

until this spasm or quiver shook it off sometime later?

Precisely put.

And that would explain

how the blood had time to dry.

Possibly. Brilliant, sir!

I wouldn't have thought of that in a million years.

There may be another explanation. That was just a conjectural analysis

I can't imagine a better one, sir.

I wouldn't hesitate to use it in a court of law.

No wonder you charge such high fees.

The information you just gave me

is priceless.

Thanks for the use of the halt, as they say. I'll be on my way.

But believe me, sir, I will never forget how you helped me out here tonight.

Any time, Lieutenant.

Any time.

Have a good evening.

And, er...

kindly close the door as you go out.

I, er, still have work to do.

Certainly, sir.

Goodnight. Goodnight.

It's just us, Oscar.

You appear calm.

But you're not.

Staplin was murdered.

Where did you get that information? Where else? Our raincoated friend.

He's bluffing. I think he's got a suspect. Who? You, Oscar.

And, er, how do you feel about that?

I feel we've known each other a very long time.

I wouldn't be where I am without you I let you lie to me because I didn't want the truth. Maybe I still don't.

Make up your mind, Paul. Either you do or you don't. It's... your call.

I'm listening.

He was extorting me. You killed him?

I'd really appreciate your believing it was necessary.

Necessary! Essential, for both of us.

There was too much at stake. I wish I wasn't hearing this.

He wanted the missing-document routine. What could I do? Tell him to get lost, like you said you did.

And have him tell the world about the little favour we did him when you were in the DA's office,

the cash that changed hands?

If it turns out the prime suspect in a murder case is Vice-Presidential candidate Mackey's closest friend,

what then, Oscar? It won't happen.

What guarantees do I have? I'm convinced Columbo is bluffing.

He's hanging around me like a limpet and he hasn't got a clue.

He's fishing. He reconstructed the whole death scene in my damn office!

That was when you called.

Asking for advice. Who does he think he's kidding? Wish you'd been there.

You might have enjoyed it.

Might I? What about Staplin's phone call?

You can't shoot a man over the phone.

Having guided much of my career, enlighten me on one more point - what's your alibi?

Oscar?

What's your alibi?

You should've seen the Congressman perform on camera.

It's a natural talent.

You can't give lessons in charisma. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Ah, Lieutenant. Good of you to respond so quickly to my call.

Paul's with the Governor. He'll be down in a minute.

Toby, check he's on his way.

Lieutenant, I've been practising law for a very long time,

and I value my professional integrity above all else.

But today I'm going to do a thing I've never done before. What, sir?

I'm going to break a trust, an oath. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, sir.

I understand you now believe Staplin was murdered.

That's right, sir. Not surprising, considering how many enemies he made He was a fairly ruthless operator.

You've got a suspect? It's a little early to be sure, sir.

But you do have some clues? Little things here and there.

Hypothetical, circumstantial? Yes and no, sir.

No proof? Not yet, no.

I'd hate to think there was any suspicion attached to me.

So would I, sir.

Remember I said I had a meeting at my office with a client that evening,

and I claimed attorney/client privilege? Correct.

Confidentiality. Yes, sir.

Er, my client, the client I was with that night. How are you, Lieutenant?

Oscar's told you the gruesome details? It killed him to do it, but it's actually my doing,

and I take the blame. You, sir?

When Oscar mentioned your enquiries, I told him to keep my name out of it

It's a delicate political situation.

A word in the wrong place could upset rather important events.

However we both feel we can rely on your total discretion.

After the agenda changed to murder

I felt I should no longer impede your inquiries. I apologise.

I understand, sir.

Goodbye, Lieutenant.

And good luck. Thank you, sir.

Oh, Lieutenant, I almost forgot. For your wife.

From Governor Montgomery, with his best regards.

Congressman...

if you were on the ticket, sir, you'd have one vote for sure.

Well, Lieutenant, it might just be the one we need to win.

Thank you very much.

(MUSIC PLAYS)

Anybody home?

Anybody home?

Who's there?

Miss Louise?

It's Diane. One of the others. Who's that?

Lt Columbo.

The cigar man?

I'm in the bathroom fixing my face. Just a minute.

Well?

How do you like it? That's nice, miss. Real nice.

It's primary day. Everybody from the office is at the celebrations.

I hope everything works out. Mr Finch says it's in the bag.

Shows how dumb I am, coming to the office, expecting to find him here on a night like this.

He'll be in the thick of it. I'll go to the hotel.

Goodnight, miss.

Don't forget to lock up. I won't.

Love that dress!

Have a ball.

Thanks. Bye bye.

(MUSIC AND CHATTER)

Can I help you? Lt Columbo. I have to see Congressman Mackey.

He's in the Governor's suite. Follow me.

Big night, huh?

Oh, yeah. Exciting.

Ever been in one of these? My first time.

I'll go find him. Wait here.

He'll be right out, Lieutenant.

What the hell is going on? I thought we'd had our last little chat.

Tonight is not the time to have another. Sorry, sir.

I think we should go someplace private.

This is, er, confidential, you might say.

Step in Haynes' room. He won't mind.

How's it going, sir? It's looking good. Dammit, get to the point.

I'm not going to enjoy this, sir, and I wanted to get into it easier. But if that's how you feel about it..

Get to it.

Notice my cigar?

When I was in your office you asked me not to smoke it. When did you give 'em up, sir?

What makes you think I did?

Your behaviour. And that beautiful humidor and lighter on your desk.

Three weeks ago.

The image of the cigar-smoking politician is out of date. You quit three weeks ago?

But after your late-night meeting with Mr Finch, his entire office smelled of cigar smoke.

Well, I didn't say I quit altogether.

What I have done

is avoid smoking within sight of cameras and gossipers.

I see. Did you drive to Mr Finch's that night? Of course.

Do you remember where you parked?

In his lot.

Was he there already?

No. We arrived about the same time.

And you left together? That's right.

About, er, 2am, as I recall. Was it raining?

Raining? Yes, sir.

There was a short rain storm that night. Was it raining when you left?

No, I'm sure it wasn't.

It might have happened earlier when we were in Oscar's office.

Or after I got home.

Uh-huh.

The scandal in the DA's office, '69,

the one involving Frank Staplin's stolen documents,

you remember that, sir?

I'll never forget it. Destroyed the political future of a fine DA. Who you worked for. As an assistant DA.

You said you'd never met Mr Staplin.

Dammit, I wasn't assigned to the case. I was a very small part of it.

Mr Finch claims he never met Mr Staplin either. So you told me. But it turns out that, 21 years ago,

Mr Finch worked for the law firm that represented Mr Staplin.

He was a junior partner at the time. I doubt he'd have been assigned a case of such importance.

In 1969 Frank Staplin was in bad trouble and he needed a big favour.

I think he got friendly with the ambitious Mr Finch and made a deal.

But Mr Finch needed help in the DA's office.

A person who had access to the evidence that had to be destroyed in order to save Mr Staplin.

You were Mr Finch's best friend. You were that person.

You can't prove this.

The little house you built is floating on thin air.

That's right.

But it's a house made entirely of glass.

And you're inside, and you can't get out.

If I were you...

..I wouldn't perjure myself for Mr Oscar Finch.

(MUSIC AND EXCITED VOICES) Sounds like the opposition has conceded.

I wish I could say congratulations.

Excuse me. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Excuse me, please.

Thank you very much. This is an unexpected pleasure, Lieutenant. Somebody send you an invitation?

Not exactly, sir. You might say this is a working visit. No rest for the wicked.

Always on the trail. Yes, sir. Moving in for the kill?

I hope it doesn't go that far, sir. Why are you carrying that around?

You look like a delivery man. This? No, I picked it up at the cleaner's.

Going in for a new look? Not really, no.

Lost somebody? Some friends of mine. I thought they might be here by now.

Have you something to say to me?

You gave the distinct impression that you wanted to talk to me.

Oh, I did, sir. I nearly forgot.

Just too much on my mind, sir.

There are a few things I wanted to go over with you. Management said we can have a room across the hall.

Somebody just finished a sales demonstration in there. We can talk. More advice?

Just two or three points I want to go over with you, sir. With your help we could wrap this case up.

Well, that's terrific.

But I don't think tonight's the night for that sort of thing.

Give me a call in the morning

and I'll give you all the help I can.

I'd hate to miss the Governor's speech.

But by all means stick around and enjoy yourself. Be my guest.

This is your suit, sir!

The one you got wet.

Wet? In the rain, the night Mr Staplin was killed.

I think you did it, sir.

Where's the room?

That was an extraordinary remark. I'm very disappointed in you.

Sorry, sir. I thought we had a nice relationship. Nothing's perfect, sir

This is your suit, isn't it? Let me look at it.

That's nice! Nice fabric.

Yes, I, er, have one just like it. It is yours, sir. It was at the cleaner's.

And it was at the cleaner's because it got wet in the rain.

Oh, yes!

Yes, so it did.

Where did it get wet? Where?

Where?

Where else? Er...

Where it rains, of course.

Outside? When were you outside?

When I walked from my car to my office to meet Congressman Mackey,

and when I walked from my office to my car a couple of hours later.

Congressman Mackey said you left together. And it wasn't raining.

Then it must have been raining earlier. That's not possible either.

And how does your crystal ball deduce that?

In your parking space the ground under your car was dry,

so it wasn't raining when you arrived.

It had to start raining AFTER you arrived.

I noticed that dry spot the next morning when I parked in your space.

But there was only ONE dry spot.

Not two.

That means there was only one car in the parking lot the previous night.

That means Congressman Mackey was lying

when he said he drove to your office and parked in your lot.

And you were lying, sir, when you said you met him there, because he was never there.

And you walked to Mr Staplin's house,

because you didn't want your car seen outside his house.

You killed Mr Staplin because he threatened to spill the beans

about the favour you did him in '69 unless you did him another favour.

And when you left Mr Staplin's house it started to rain,

and that's when you got wet.

It stopped raining before you returned to your car.

That's why the ground under your car was dry.

Is that it?

That's it, sir.

Oh, you, er, you disappoint me, Lieutenant.

You are aware that an accusation of that nature

requires proof of presence at the scene of the crime?

Yes, sir, I'm aware of that. Do you have it?

No, sir.

But you do have a body with all the indications of suicide,

and one self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head.

Was there powder on the gun handle?

Yes, sir, there was. How did it get there if he didn't shoot himself?

I have no idea.

Then all you have

is a load of unsubstantiated circumstantial poppycock.

If you'll forgive me I think I'll return to the festivities. But the invitation remains.

You're welcome to stay.

Please, enjoy yourself, Lieutenant.

Stick around.

None of this would've been possible without your help. My pleasure. Thanks.

That's it, sir.

Everything? The works.

Mr Finch?

This is a warrant to bring you in for questioning.

We'll do it here. These gentlemen will serve as witnesses.

You know your rights. Is there anyone you want present?

Let's get this farce on the road. Where were you the night Mr Staplin was killed? At my home and my office.

When was the last time you saw Mr Staplin?

I never met Mr Staplin.

Have you ever been in Mr Staplin's house? Never.

Did you kill Mr Staplin? No. Do you recognise this piece of chewing gum?

Recognise a piece of chewing gum?

Do you remember chewing it? Pardon? Do you chew gum? Occasionally.

This was in your office trash can.

There were also three full packs in a desk drawer, plus a fourth with only one stick missing.

Would you concede, Mr Finch, that if the teeth marks in this gum match exactly with your teeth marks,

would you concede that the average person would believe you had chewed the gum?

More hypothetical poppycock?

It's not poppycock, sir, if it places you at the scene of the crime.

Enlighten me.

Have you ever seen this? Police Chief magazine,

August issue?

There's an article in here. That's how I know about this.

In Fresno, California... Let me read this to you.

Dr Bennoff. He's a forensic dentist.

He punctured the alibi of a suspect in a drug-related slaying

by matching a wad of chewing gum discarded at the scene to the suspect's teeth.

Seeing the matched models, the suspect pleaded guilty.

This is getting to be a big thing - bite-mark evidence.

That famous serial murderer in Florida - Bundy,

they put him to death because they matched his tooth marks

with the bite marks on the two girls.

It's getting to be big. I'm glad I read this.

But even if the gun were mine, it was not at the scene of the crime.

But THIS was.

This piece of cheese.

This cheese was on Mr Staplin's desk on the night of his death.

And the bite mark on this cheese...

..matches the bite mark on this piece of gum.

This is your dental chart, Mr Finch.

This is an X-ray of your eye tooth.

It has a distinct chip on the right front side,

and a number of small notches running along the other lateral edge.

I haven't taken a mould of your tooth yet, Mr Finch,

but when I do it'll be like a fingerprint.

The mould of your tooth is going to match the bite mark on this cheese,

placing you at the scene of the crime.

You're under arrest, sir.

Suspicion of murder.

Excuse me.

(CHEERING)

Ladies and gentlemen,

fellow workers,

dear friends,

this is a night to remember!

(CHEERING)

One bite of cheese. One bite of cheese.

IMS Subtitles