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Good evening, dearest.

My name is Jonathan Robbins,
and we're here this evening

to play In It for a Minute,
the UK's literary based quiz show.

In It For a Minute!

Let's meet our contestants.
Michael, where are you from?

Today's champion, Douglas.

In it For a minute
with me, Jonathan Robbins.

Me, Jonathan Robbins.

Jonathan Robbins in Hemingway's
The Old Man and the Sea.

Join us once more.

Goodbye.

Today, everybody, I'm witnessed yet
another episode of In It For a Minute.

Good bye, everyone.

Great show as usual, Mr. Robbins.

Kind of on autopilot
at this point.

Ah, Jonathan.

- Congratulations.
- Well, you never wonder down on set.

Nice work, Jonathan.

Come to fire me?

The view is better
on the 20th floor.

I wouldn't worry about trying
to convince Nicky here that you

spend your time in the office.

OK, that's much better.

Thank you.

How's that young girl you brought to
Stanley's party a couple of weeks ago?

She was very bright.

Big university plans, I imagine.

Very, very funny, Jonathan.
Very funny.

Well, if she's still around next spring

and you want to impress her, why don't
you shut her down to my box floors.

I think I'd prefer my own box at
Stamford Bridge, thank you very much.

Well, remind me.

Is it still Russian money
making you a decent side?

Or have you sold your
soul to the sheikhs? Like city?

I would take your
comment seriously

if I thought you cared
at all about football.

I can't be blamed for
preferring a gentleman's game.

Yes.

It was cricket, I was as
antiquated as you are.

Oh, very clever.

All right, listen.

I've just been off with
your bloody lawyers.

Give this for them.

At least they're polite
while I'm being shafted.

It's a closed deal.

- Congratulations on another season.
- Very good.

That makes it what?

It's your 40th season.

I'd love to do that.

God, I must have...
I need that call sheet.

Yes.
I dare say you're right.

And, well, don't think
we're not grateful. We are.

What is the gift for
that sort of milestone?

I imagine you'll be getting
me something very expensive.

- 40th anniversary is a ruby.
- Ruby.

You sign it.

Yes, I'll have my assistant get
you a box of chocolates, I think.

From the heart, as always.

Nicky, could you email a
copy of it to my assistant?

Too long in the trenches.

The smell of bitter breakfast tea
and stale cigarette smoke down here.

Again.

See you again soon.

40 years.
Incredible, Jonathan.

You must still have been in
nappies when I coasted into my 20s.

But we can't slow down now.

It will be an absolute travesty
to lose out to the bloody Americans.

You know, we invented
the game show.

- Is that so?
- Yeah.

Spelling bee.
Absolutely ghastly.

It's only 15 minutes song.

It was first transmitted
live from the BBC studios

at Gallipoli, 31st of May, 1938.

Well, let's get you changed.

Hi, Mr. Robbins.

Got your schedule and
tomorrow's call sheet.

Make sure you sort out a time for me
to get together with Henry O'Connor.

Old friend of mine, has
been calling and calling.

I think your schedule frees
up at the end of next month.

Really?

Until then?

I don't suppose you want to
share a bottle of wine with me?

'76 Moldova.

That sounds amazing, but
I've got to get home to Sasha.

The twins can really be a
nightmare this time of night.

You are a good man, Benjamin.

Oh, there's a box of fan
mail on the dining table.

I've gone through it
and thrown out the junk.

Why do they all
keep writing to me?

Well, you keep having fans,
and thus keep getting fan mail.

I can't believe it myself.

If only they knew how much
of a curmudgeon you really are.

I didn't hire you for your sense
of humor. Get out of here.

I'll see you tomorrow.

- All right.
- Good night.

Threw all the junk.

Very funny, Benjamin.

Well, cheers to me.

And we'll see you again the next
time we play In It For a Minute.

Thank you.
Bye now.

Bye everyone.

My God!
The ghost returns.

- Hey, Nick.
- Good to see you, stranger.

- It's been too long.
- I know.

- Busier than ever.
- Good of you.

So what are you having?

I kept a bottle on the
back shelf just for you.

Boys are over there.
I'll bring the glass around.

Cheers.

- Gentlemen.
- Hello, Johnny.

I can't stay long.
I have to get back to town.

Yeah, yeah.
Of course.

The life of a big celebrity.

Where's Henry?

Not shagging the
cleaner again, is he?

Henry died.

Oh, bollocks.

That's the worst
of comedy, Michael.

It's true, Johnny.

- What happened?
- Cancer.

Inoperable.

It all happened very quickly.

I know he tried to
contact you several times.

He wanted to tell you himself.

When's the funeral?

It was last week.

This is what we kept
calling you about.

You never returned the calls.

You should have left a
message, just told me.

Well, you've known
the guy for 50 years,

and it didn't seem quite the proper
thing to leave a message about.

Here you go.

You heard the news
about Henry, then?

Shit Everyone's got
a time, I suppose.

Anyway, you have to be
somewhere far more important.

We just wanted to
give you the news.

We'll leave you to it.

I'm sorry.

You know that.

Yeah.
Well, let's not pretend.

You've been a non
friend for years.

Don't be ridiculous.

Friends don't meet each other
once a year out of charity.

There have been times when
there was no one else for you.

Do you remember those times?

We were there.

We were family.
Henry.

Henry was family.

You should visit Henry's grave.

All Saints Church.

Pay your respects.

You don't show any respects
to any of us anymore.

David.

Michael.

See you, Joe.

Should I cork that bottle?

No, bring it up.

I'll drink it.

This is where they brought you.

At least it's pretty here.

I missed your funeral.

Sounds worse when
you say it out loud.

Mr. Robbins.

Mr. Robbins?

On in five, sir.

Right.

Please join us next time
we play In It For a Minute.

I'm not sure I can recall
a moment when I've ever

been so bothered by something.

Your best friend died.

I didn't expect it
to hit me this hard.

No one wants the tie.

It is not what people look forward to.

I really have been
a terrible friend.

Henry did tell me that last year
he missed his birthday drinks

because you was shagging some
twice divorcee you just met.

Bloody hell. Sounds worse
when you say it out loud.

I suppose that I am finding
myself confronting mortality

that you were given
to question things.

It was a summary of my life.

Is it a life well lived?

What legacy will I leave behind.

Do you think you
wasted your life?

Why would you say that?

That's what most
people feel in here.

They talk to me, you know.

The holy union
of a bartender and his patron.

A bond of immeasurable
confidentiality.

Something like that, yeah.

Confidentially, then.

Yes.

I find myself beginning to question
things I haven't questioned before.

Johnny, you've
lived a great life. You're rich.

You're famous.
What else is there?

I'm a game show host.

You bring joy to many people.

A certain kind of joy
that without you...

There will be one
less game show.

That's not what
I intended to do.

That was never the plan.

I just fell into it
all those years ago.

Went to drama school.

Well, we all did.
David, Michael.

Dreamed of playing in the
theater, going on tour, Shakespeare.

Well, I'll tell you the
same thing my dad told me.

If you're not happy,
you better fake it

because miserable sods
get old real quick.

I'm not sure how
inspirational that is.

The man lived
and died behind his bar.

What do you expect?

Let me have another one.

Dear Mr. Robbins, I
am your biggest fan.

You do not understand
what you mean to me.

Even at my age, you are
an inspiration to me.

I'm sure you must be
the busiest man ever,

but if you end up in Washington,
please come visit me.

It would mean the world to me.

Love, Alice.

Jonathan.
Pick up the phone, Jonathan.

Has anyone seen Mr. Robbins?

Natasha, have you
seen Mr. Robbins?

Guys, have you seen Mr. Robbins?

Funny.

Please tell me you've
seen Mr. Robbins.

Anyone?

Where...

Hello, Spencer.

Jonathan, the whole
town's looking for you.

You're due in the studio
for a live show in an hour.

I'm wondering if I'm not as
fulfilled as I thought I was.

Fulfilled? What do you mean?

Well, did you ever
think that you've

been coasting along believing
that life is perfect,

and yet your memories
tell you otherwise?

Perhaps that you've
missed something?

Johnny darling, when my
father gave me this company,

he did not say your clients
will need to feel fulfilled.

He said, your clients will
need to make piles of money.

You've just signed
a massive contract.

Your 40th year.

It's the easiest
job in the world.

Walk on stage, smile,
tell a few cheesy jokes.

Easy money.

I have this letter from a child.

- She says I inspire her.
- Well, that's great.

We'd all like to inspire
future generations.

It caused me to think about
things in a way that I haven't before.

I don't like the sound of that.

- It's been said.
- You are my agent.

I make you more money than you
deserve, so just listen for a moment,OK?

If this little girl was inspired
by me, I need to know why.

I need to know what
I've done in my life

that she felt compelled
to write this.

Well, it would
ease my conscience

to know that I've
shaped a child in a way

that they might go
on to great things.

- Jonathan.
- Mr. Robbins.

You need to wrap your call.

We're about to take off.

If you could pop your
seat belt on, please.

- Right.
- Are you on a plane?

We'll figure it out, Spencer.

Johnny. Jonathan !

Shit.

Welcome to America.

Hello there.

Hello.

Yes. Sorry.

Just fishing up on Herald here.

- Anyway, how can I help?
- Finally.

Checking in, Joseph Ray?

You've got an interesting voice.

Are you from Canada?

Certainly not.

Wait a minute.

Are you famous?

Don't tell anyone.

Hell, you're on Downtown
Abbey, aren't you?

No. I'm afraid not.

Oh, I could swear it.

- I love that show.
- Well, it's a wonderful show.

It is.

Now, about checking in?

Joseph Ray.

Right. I've got you right here.

Joseph Ray, and you've got the
one king bed in the whole place.

And let's see.
Says here you're with us...

Oh, well that's strange.

It says you forgot to
put a checkout date.

Not forgot.

- Just not sure.
- I'm sorry.

I keep getting
distracted by your voice.

I feel like I'm sitting here having
tea with the queen of England.

A week.
Let's say a week.

I'll have to charge
you a week in advance.

That's fine.

Cash.

- That's fine.
- It's $35 a night.

Seven... 35 and seven.

35 times... $270.

Got $140.

Let's see.
That's four... 40...

$250. That should cover it.

Oh, OK.
Yeah, let's call it that.

Great. OK, Mr Ray.

- I just need to see some ID.
- Oh, yes. Of course.

Just a second.

Here we are.

Well, now... so, this says
Jonathan Paul Robbins.

And that is not the name
I have here on the reservation.

Well, I often use a pseudonym
for privacy purposes.

It's a name one uses to be less
conspicuous in public places.

Oh, because you're
on Downtown Abbey?

Great. OK.

Well, it's just that I can't actually
check you in under this reservation

if the name doesn't
match the one on the ID.

- And that's a company policy.
- OK.

Well, let's forget the
reservation under Ray

and put the
reservation in my name.

I could fall asleep
listening to your voice.

Do you do books on tape?

I would love to listen
to your voice just reading.

So let's just go ahead and
change the reservation.

Great. I'll have to charge
you a cancellation fee.

It's less than 24 hours in advance.
It's company policy.

Whatever you need to do to get
me into a room in five minutes.

I would be very grateful.

OK. Let's get you into
room number, let's see.

Room number three.

So this here's your room key, and
the room number is right on there.

And it will be
a queen sized bed.

The king was reserved
for Joseph Ray.

- Well, thank you very much.
- Great.

And is there anything
else I can help you with?

Oh, yes.
Directions to the nearest pub?

Pub?

My goodness.

Cheerio. Yes.

The bar is about
a 10 minute walk.

Dammit.

You here about that taxing?

Just to drink.

Yeah, well, what
are you drinking?

I don't suppose
you have a burner?

What the hell did you just say?

- Is there a problem here?
- I don't know yet.

- We got a problem?
- I haven't come for an argument.

Just to drink.

Are you going to order a drink or keep
yapping like you're the King of England?

To the point. I like that.

Would you have any red wine
in your establishment?

Anything?

The Californian would do.

Cheeky little pinot
from Paso Robles?

We got it in a box in the fridge,
but I don't know where it comes from.

You want me to check?

- Gin and tonic it is.
- Fine.

Hey!

You still pissed
we won the war?

If you're referring to
World War II, far from it.

We happen to be very
grateful for our allies.

I'm talking about
the revolution.

Billy, shut your mouth and stop
antagonizing my new customer.

He antagonized you first.

Just shut up
and drink your beer.

Thank you for that.

You're a long way from home.

Your car break down
outside or something?

It's certainly been
a universal apropos.

You know, you've been in here
for, like, three minutes,

and you've already shown you've
got a great talent for making

people seem stupider than you.

Maybe something
is lost in translation.

Let's start again.

My name is Jonathan.

You are my bartender.

And as such, you occupy a very
sacred position in the scheme of things.

Pleased to meet you...

Ruby.

Ruby.

Your name is Ruby?

That bother you too?

Just ironic, that's all.

40th anniversary, and all that.

It's not important.

So, Ruby, you lived
in this town long?

All my life.

And do you like it?

Have you spent more
than five minutes here?

I assume that's a negative.

It's home.

That's all.

Well, it's not strange to
have a complicated dynamic

about the place
you've grown up in.

This happens all the time.

You're probably staying up at
one of those big lake mansions

up around the bend.

The tourists are rich assholes
who fly in for a week a year.

But see, you took a right
and came down the bend.

And you should
have taken a left,

and you would have ended
up with all the other cute

little tourists taking
selfies, drinking IPAs,

instead of at the bar with
the locals, who actually live

in this shithole year-round.

Well, it just so happens that
I'm staying at the motel up the road.

You better fire
your travel agent.

Ruby? Where are those shots?

Coming. Just making sure
you weren't already puking your guts

out all over my floor.

Charming.

I can't believe you're there.

You do realize I'm googling
this place right now?

They have a lot of problems.

Like what?

Like, teaks.

Bloodthirsty teaks.

I expected you to say
Republicans with guns.

The point is, there's no reason
for you to be there right now.

The worst thing I found are
a couple of Davy Crocketts,

oh, and some dead
animals on the walls.

Oh, my God. You've walked into
a horror movie.

That's what this is, isn't it?

I'm going to get
a call saying

that you've been decapitated by some
backwoodsman redneck type.

Well, you'll be
pleased to hear

I've rented myself a house in the
more respectable part of town.

Benjamin found it for me.

Looks a nice place.

A house?

- So you're staying?
- Yes.

I'm going on a sabbatical.

You're becoming a priest now?

I believe the term you're
thinking of is seminary.

Priest or no priest,
just get back here.

The network is not
going to like this.

Please. I've been making them
money for 40 years.

You know, it's
the least they can do.

I have to go. OK?

Jonathan.

Don't make me send somebody
to America to bring you back.

Spencer, you're breaking up.

Bring me the bottle!

Spectacular.

Truly.

Architecture.
Love the court and steel.

Truly is spectacular.

Thank God.

I have the contract right here.

You just sign on
the dotted line.

No troubles.

Just sign right here.

Yes.
Right... right there.

There.

That's that white walker.

Head to the crib.
I got this.

Yo, man, I love the shoes.

Yeah, I think they look good.

- I thought you were on tour?
- We were.

Yeah, we totally were.

But Reginald, he found out that
his cat got eaten by a coyote.

- Is this the new renter?
- Yes, I suppose.

Yo, man, you sound
like James Bond, dude.

That's badass.

Oh, thank you.

I think.

I'm Dennis Wade.

Most people know me as
the tiny hammer, though.

You might have heard of me.

Tiny hamster?

Tiny hammer, yo.

Yeah.

I guess I'm new landlord.

Here, housewarming gift.

Recorded that last week.
It's hot. Yo, be careful.

Tiny hammer does America.

Inspiring.

Yo, that's what I'm
talking about dude.

Peaky Blinders.

Oh, man, I love that show.

- Have you seen that show?
- I have not.

You got to check it out, man.

Irish gangsters.

It's not a bad accent.

What do you think?

Anyway.
Amanda, I'll take it from here?

No refunds. No exchanges.

Here's the key.

Good luck.

He's going to be just fine.

I'm going to take care of him.

Come on, baby.

Home sweet home. OK.

My man.
Mi casa es su casa.

Head over here. Now, I have two
bedrooms for myself

because sometimes I really don't
know which one to sleep in, you know?

Hey, problem with money, right?

Come on. Masterpieces
featuring yours truly.

Timeless works of art.

That was the fire, the angel.

Got a little sauna room,
music studio.

Got the panic room,
because you never know.

World's getting crazy, right?

And you're going to be up there.
Cool?

It's this your parents' house?

Oh, no, man.
This is my pad. I live here.

Well, in the winters I like to head down
to the islands. I can't stand the snow.

Very nice house
for a young man of your age.

Oh, thanks, man.
I appreciate that.

Anyway, here's the kitchen.

Feel free to have
anything in the fridge.

It's yours.

Yo.

Yeah, you like that,
don't you, bro?

Yeah, that's my view.

Oh, yo, Svetlana.

Yo, baby, get over here.

This is my wife from Russia.

This is our new renter.

I put out that ad yesterday.

But here's the man,
our new friend.

Well, more of an acquaintance
at this juncture.

You know, for the longest time,
I kept calling her Eastern European.

But then she tells me,
Russia is in Asia.

Doesn't that blow your mind?

Dude, she's Asian.

Anyway,
Svetlana, this is... wait.

What did you say your name was?

Jonathan Robbins.

It is nice to meet you.

Svetlana.

Svetlana.

What are you doing?

I say hello.

He's a guest in our house,
not the pony at the county fair.

You are no fun, Dennis.

Jonathan, you drink?

Dear God, yes.

I was bartender in Russia.

We'll make you
something special.

I know. I'm sorry.

Just, the whole thing
with his cat and stuff.

Oh, I'll bring my tiny hammer.

Yeah, man.

She got here
a couple of weeks ago.

Fourth wife.

- That seems like a lot.
- Nah.

I mean, you usually only get
about six months of runtime

before they disappear on
you with their green card.

But you know,
Svetlana is different.

I think I'm in love with her.

She's super into fitness, man.
She's running all the time.

She's making sure
I stay in shape and stuff.

Did you know that she was a gold
medal winner in Asia for track and field?

Russia.

I thought she said
she was a bartender.

Oh, my man.
She had a lot of things.

Just so you know, we keep
it super quiet around here.

So just pretend
we're not even here.

But if you need anything?

You just knock on
our bedroom door.

- Capeesh?
- I probably will.

All right.

Hey, I know we just
met, but me and the boys

about to smoke a giant
blunt and float in the pool

like a couple of turtles.

I mean, if you want to join us.

No, thank you.

You sure?

All right, my man.

You're stalking me now?

I'm sorry.

You live here.

Yeah.

You just didn't
strike me as a mother.

I apologize.

Those were not choice words.

Nothing is going right today.

Interesting.

So what can I help you with?

Well, I have this
letter, and I've come

to meet the little
girl who wrote it.

Little girl?

Let me see it.

Oh, son of a bitch.

Ruby? Who's that just yapping
away at the door?

It's for you.

It's really you?

Clearly there's
been some mistake.

It's really you.

Mr. Robbins here at my door?

This is crazy.

Ruby, you had anything
to do with this?

Absolutely not.

Mr. Robbins, I am
your biggest fan.

Your biggest fan.

Just the letter.

It appeared to be
the handwriting of a child.

Yeah.

Since the last stroke,
it hasn't been so good.

Hands are a little
bit shaky, you know.

I certainly do now.

Well, I'm delighted we've had
exposure in a place like this.

Well, don't stand out
there on the porch. Get in here.

Ruby, get this man a drink or
a coffee, or whatever he needs.

You Brits love whiskey, right?

A drink sounds like the most
responsible thing right now.

Mr. Robbins.

- Don't know for sure.
- He's a celebrity.

He's here.

Give me the crackers.

Ruby. Where are the crackers?

And where's that tree I had?

Do you remember the tree
I had for my birthday party?

OK.

OK.

Neat.

Cheers.

It's wild turkey.

It's fine.

Mr. Robbins, you'll stay
for some hors d'oeuvres?

Of course.
And please, call me Jonathan.

OK.

Here you go.

Well, this looks
extraordinarily unique.

Go ahead.

Don't be shy.

Take a bite.

There you go.

Ruby, you want one?

I'm good, Gram.

Jonathan, I still can't believe
you're here in my house.

Out of all the fan letters
you get, you answered mine.

You must get, what,
like, 1.000 a day?

You'd be amazed at what
arrives in the post.

The post. I love it.

Ruby, the post.

Not the mail.

Got it, Grams.

So how long you
were in town for?

Well, the truth is, I was
just heading straight through.

And, well, I have
a previous engagement,

sort of a publicity tour thing
happening here in America.

And, well, you happened
to be on the way.

So I thought it'd be
a good idea to drop in

on such a wonderful fan as yourself.

Isn't it a shame?

It would have been wonderful
to have you for dinner.

Such a shame, yes.

Alice, it's been a pleasure.

- Ruby.
- Bless you for coming here.

Can we get a picture?

- Of course.
- Ruby, get a picture.

Come on. Take a picture.

- OK.
- Take a picture.

Smile.

And maybe get a little closer.

Closer.

A little closer.

You know, I might just
kiss her on the cheek.

That'd be nice.

Nice.

OK, great. I think I got it.

- Well, then.
- Goodbye.

- I'll walk you out.
- Goodbye.

You really just came by to
say Hello to my grandma?

Indeed.

Well, yes, it's often the little things
for my fans that mean the most.

Do take care of
your grandmother.

You got to hear my rain
rain rap away, man.

That's straight from the heart.

Montvale, lot of love you.

Feel that?

Baby, that's just
the beginning, baby.

Yeah heard, Ritchie?

Guys, guys, guys!

You, Jason.

Yeah!

Hey, Mike!
Turn the music down.

Yo, this is my new
friend, James Bond!

Jonathan.

Hey, let's get you
something to drink.

Hey, Ritchie. Hey, get a drink
for my friend, all right?

He's a guest in our home.

Not for me.

Never mind, we good.

Yo, man, you OK?

I think I'm a bit
shocked by your house.

The fact that you can afford
something so beautiful,

and then you fill it
up with this crowd.

Oh, thanks, man.

I appreciate that.

The band has just been
blowing up lately.

- So you really make money?
- Oh, totes. It's crazy.

People just seem
to love what we do.

We invented a new genre.

It's rap and big band.

Yo, you get it?

We call big brap.

You get that?
Big band rap.

You have to make sure your
typist doesn't make any mistakes.

James Bond.

Baby.

Are you hungry?

I made a very perfect blini
with butter, smetana, iqra.

I was very famous
chef in the Russia.

Settle down, tiger.

You know what?

We should play
something for you.

You really don't have to.

Hey, Ritchie.

Ritchie!

Ritchie, yo!

Get our gear, man.

We're going to play
something for James Bond.

Lately, I'm a big
fan of the bassoon.

Have you ever heard the bassoon?

- Probably not in this context.
- I got to tell you something.

You're easily the oldest
dude that ever hanged here.

Thank you, I think.

Speaking of, why are you
putting out adverts for renters?

Money doesn't seem
to be a problem.

Svetlana loves that.
No, that's totally her jam.

You know, she was a psychiatrist
in Russia, so she loves people.

- Yo, Dennis.
- What's up, Frank?

Dude, you seen my shirt?
I can't find my shirt.

You mean the one
with the tigers on it?

- The one you got in Bali, right?
- Yeah, man.

Frank, you're wearing it, baby.

Crazy.

- Thanks, Dennis.
- No problem, brother.

Hey, can you help Ritchie get
the rest of our gear, man?

We're going to play
James something here.

Jonathan.

Right, sorry.

Look, I got a flight tomorrow,
I should probably pack.

I should probably pass.

No, no, no. Wait !

Look, you seem like
a stressed dude.

I got an idea.

You know how to hold
a camera, right?

- Oh me, yeah?
- Yup.

All right.

Tiny Hammer in the house!

cheering

Are you really that
James Bond guy?

Yes.

Sweet.

Do you want one of these?

- Chocolate?
- Yeah.

Thank you.

Very good.
Thank you.

They're fantastic.

Thanks.
They're full of ecstasy.

Oh, yeah.

Want to be ready for that.

What?

Don't worry.
I was doctor in the Russia.

Oh, man.

He pulls through.

Hey, buddy.
You're a psycho, man.

You tried to kill
yourself last night.

I did not.

Well, it's a good
thing you didn't.

- How do you feel?
- Fine.

Whoa, take it easy.

You took enough pills
to kill a small horse.

You didn't.

I just always wanted
to say something like that.

Look, I'm sorry that
Angelina laced her brownie.

I mean, she's good at that.

It's kind of her thing.

I mean, you did
almost drown, too.

What time is it?

- Thursday, I think?
- Thursday.

God, I missed my flight.

Where's my phone?

Oh, yeah.

I hope you don't mind.

I was looking to see if I should
call your wife or something

to let her know you
were dead,

but I couldn't find any pet names,
you know, like bae, or whatever.

And also, you need a better
passcode than all zeros.

I mean, seriously, bro.
I was like that, bro.

I'm divorced.

I'm afraid she would be
very glad to hear of it.

That's harsh, brother.

Super harsh.

How about you, Svetlana?

Would you be sad if I died?

Depends how, I guess.

If it was a cruel car
accident... Wait, wait.

A clown car accident?

Cruel car accident.

A clown car accident.

Why are there clowns in it?

Makes this a nightmare.

My phone, please?

Thank you.

Also, are you
famous or something?

Angelina swore she recognized you
from some Downtown Abbey Ashow.

I love Downton Abbey.

I'm sure two have both
been very helpful,

but if you could both just
give me a moment to recover.

Oh, you want us to...
Sorry.

Yeah.

Take your time.

See it on the back.

Yo, my dog in the back.

What.

Got the things with breaths.

Hi there.

Just letting you know that
I will be officially checking out.

Yeah.

I'm sorry about the party, man.

I didn't mean to screw
your vacation up.

Oh, no. Truth is, I came here looking
for something very stupid,

and didn't work out at all.

What was it?

Well, a friend of mine
passed away recently.

I missed his funeral, and
it has caused me to reflect

on many things in my life.

That sucks, bro.

Well, maybe I'm looking for
some answers, some perspective.

And didn't work out.

Well, you missed
your friend's funeral.

Do you worry people
will miss yours?

Well actually, in a way, yes.

At my age, you think
about these things.

Legacy, what people might say
about you when you've gone.

Sure, man.
That's straight Ebenezer.

- Ebenezer?
- Yeah, man.

Ebenezer Scrooge.

He straight up saw a vision that
no one came for his funeral.

I mean, he was rich, successful.

No one cared.

People just came for the food.

Well, I didn't expect such
an apt analogy as that.

Yeah, man.

Yo, I wrote a song about this.

Check it.

Ebenezer Scrooge.

Ebenezer Scrooge.

This cat really was Scrooge.

Picks came for nothing,
picking out at the funeral.

The spider.

The spider. And the rat took his
curtains and all that.

Rats, pigs, spiders
is actually a very accurate analogy

for the dregs of society that
the novel was referring to.

The novel? Wait.

Are you telling me you've never
seen Muppet Christmas Carol before?

Ebenezer Scrooge.
The Butler from Batman?

You know, this little rat.

Kermit the Frog.
You know, this spiders, man?

Dickens would have
been very proud.

Yeah. The dude from Batman wouldn't
even give those rats coal for the fire.

Man, that tears me up inside,
just thinking about it now.

You know what
Ebenezer Scrooge did.

He found out that make
another people happy

is better than being
happy all alone.

I've been on autopilot.

I haven't been paying
attention to things

like drinking a very
bad beer or getting

to know someone I might not
ordinarily have the chance to.

- Oh, you mean me?
- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You do know the Muppets didn't write
a Christmas Carol, don't you, Dennis?

Wait, no shit?

No shit.

Learn something new every day.

Yeah. There's a ton more beers in that
cooler there if you want one.

Sure.

Yeah.
But I mean, it felt so real.

You know what I mean?

Like, you can't deny
the relationship

between the guy playing Big
Dickens and Rizzo the Rat.

Everything about this
is truly fascinating.

My man.

Facts.

That's why I couldn't
return your test.

You could have just
said something.

Just write me back, let me know
you get my communication. Please.

Just say you're sorry, and all this
other crap that doesn't even matter.

I mean, why even apologize?

I didn't mean to
do that shit, OK?

I'm sorry.

But you should not be looking at
him the way you looked at him, OK?

...recognizing that
I was sitting alone.

I told you a thousand times.

Do not look at him that way.

You got to respect me.

I do you everything for you.

Why do you do this to me?

Hey, what the hell do you want?

I apologize. I...

I was just taking a drink
inside and the lovely woman

behind the bar asked me if I would
remind Ruby that her break is over.

Well, her hands are
rather tied with a group

of very enthusiastic
gentlemen

who are on the sixth,
seventh round of tequila.

So no need to shoot
the messenger.

We'll finish this later.

What are you doing?

Just come for a drink.

I thought you had other more
important engagements to get to.

Canceled.

It's none of my
business, but...

It ain't.

Thanks anyway.

So how long are you staying?

I might give it a few more days,
take the rest of the area in.

Why would you want to do that?

Do you want to smoke?

Sure.

Ruby, I don't suppose
the invitation to dinner

with your grandmother
is still on the table.

OK.

If I don't do it now, I'll
never get another chance.

Will you dance with
me, Mr. Robbins?

I would be delighted, Alice.

I come out here every night
just to take it all in.

It really is quite beautiful.

Cheery, though.

You know, most people
don't slow down enough

to even know there are
stars up in the sky.

I haven't slowed down in years.

I'm starting to think I've
missed more than just the stars.

I keep thinking,
all those small things.

Well, they add up to a lot.

Perhaps a whole lifetime.

You got kids?

A son.

Our relationship is infrequent.

He hasn't called me in ages,
which is a good indication that I failed

miserably at being a father.

I haven't spoken to my
daughter in 25 years.

She dropped Ruby off and headed
out of town with a loser boyfriend.

Never came back.

Not even so much as a letter.

25 years.

I failed my daughter.

I know that.

That's why I'm trying
better with Ruby.

I pray she doesn't end up
like her mother,

but it's hard not to
in a place like this.

Well, she could leave.

Go to school.

She stays on account of me.

She has a good heart,
but she's wasting away.

Alice...

I lied when I said
I was passing through.

I did come because
of the letter.

Mind you, I did think it
was written by a child.

The truth is,

a friend of mine died.

A good friend.

I missed his funeral.

To damn self important to even pick
up a call or respond to a voicemail.

I started thinking about my life
in a way that

really frightened me.

I mean, what have I ever done to
make a difference in the world?

Truly a difference?

Did I save lives?
Did I cure cancer?

Did I fight for world peace?

You know, most people don't
get to do that stuff, right?

Care for a child dropped
on their doorstep.

Something in your
letter moved me.

When you said I inspired you,
I needed to know why.

I mean, why do I inspire you?

The truth is, Jonathan, I had
people leaving me, dying on me.

Trying to raise
a kid without much,

but every day you were there

smiling on the television.

You were like family.

Change one life, Jonathan.

If you change just one life,
then it's all worth it.

You coming here,
I'll never forget it.

I won't, either.

Yeah. I should go.

I'll head in, say
my goodbyes to Ruby.

You do that.

Ruby, I just came to
thank you for the evening.

- Are you all right?
- Yeah.

It's stupid.

I fell at the bar trying
to get to the high shelf.

I see.

Well then, I will
bid you good night.

Thank you once more.

Hey.

Thank you.

You made her really happy.

She hasn't been like
that in a long time.

It's my pleasure.

Good night.

We should find this
dude, beat his ass.

My bar fighting days
are a little behind me.

Nah, you look fit.

What are you, 45? 50?

I'm 70.

No, but still, man.
Not that's not cool, though.

What was I supposed to say?

If people don't want help,
you can't force it.

No, that's like some wise 70-year-old
guru wisdom coming out of you.

- Where did you get that?
- I mean literally.

If people don't want your help,

I cannot help them.

Amen, brother. Preach it.

The point is, there's
nothing else to do.

Well at least the old
lady's at the life.

Is he going to chase that tail?

What were you smoking earlier?

- You want some?
- No, thank you.

- No, thank you.
- All right.

I think I have
to do some theater.

I think I have to.

For myself.

What kind of theater?

Well, one man Shakespeare show.

I mean, McKellen did it.

Paddington.

Simon Callow. Roger Rees.

I saw Gielgud live performing
a Shakespeare recital, Ages of Man.

Why not me?
Why not once?

My second job at Chichester,
Sir John Gielgud was in the company.

And the director,
Robin Phillips,

was kind enough to announce that the
new Gielgud was also in the company.

And that should have
been my destiny.

Yeah. Well, you're 70,

so you might die soon.

It just seems to me that you
shouldn't put something like this off.

That's my guru wisdom.

Well, thank you for that.

A fit 70.

No joke.

Healthy, too.

Yeah, you look like you got
strong bones and such, man.

OK.

OK.

OG bond.

But you know what,
when you have a dream,

you can't let everything
else get in the way.

You know, in India, I once watched a
man use his testicles as bongo drums.

Yeah. Just wrapping them
around and making

some of the most
beautiful sounds with it.

You know, that was
inspiring to me, dude.

Like, that's a real
commitment to the art.

I feel I might have
a definition of the word art.

Dog, they were like
bare testicles.

Like, I got everything.

And my point is, dog, is that this
man had nothing but his testicles.

Yo, dog. My point is, don't give
up on your dream, bond.

Use it as inspiration.

Thank you once more, Dennis.

You're welcome.

I admire you that you've gone
out and got what you wanted in life.

Thank you.

Cheers.

That's some good beer.

- You want some sauce?
- Yeah. Hit me.

We got spicy brown mustard,
ketchup, sriracha, barbecue.

Barbecue.

All right. Casino royale.

Spencer, I hope
this is important.

Is your bank account important.

Not at this particular moment.

I just had a call
from the network.

Ratings are dropping.

You need to get back to ASAP.

That means as soon as possible.

Spencer, I'm not coming back
until I've found an answer.

Spencer, I have to go.

Wait.

Jonathan!

Shit.

I hope you're shopping
for somebody else.

I didn't mention last night
and I like to try on frocks

and dance about a bit in heels.

Frocks, huh?

That's not a word.

Yes, it is.

Big, fancy frocks.

About last night.

Let's just not talk about it.

Anyway, I was wondering if you'd
like to show me around town today?

I want the real locals haunt.

Or even outside of town,
if there's anything I should see.

What's in it for me?

I assume, the company.

All right.

Buy me this frock,
and you got yourself a deal.

Sweater?

OK, I'll get it for you.

So when I first
met you at the bar,

you didn't seem like someone who
was capable of having much fun.

Thought I'd sooner get
a broken jaw from you.

It comes with the territory.

You know, the clientele
around here is more of

the ass grabbing, whistling type,
especially with a few drinks and...

Oh, well, you got to
draw the line earlier.

Doesn't stop them from doing it.

Such a cultured establishment.

You don't deserve it.

You think I want to be here?

You didn't say.

- It's a job, that's all.
- Job?

Well, I understand that.

Well, hello.

A bookstore.
Shall we?

How exciting.

If you don't have anything nice
to say, don't say it at all.

Ah, look at this.

See, you're not entirely
devoid of culture in this town.

The Scottish play.

What's it about?

You haven't read it?

- No, why would I?
- My God.

Youth is wasted on the young.

Wuthering Heights?

No.

Tess of the D'urbervilles,
Thomas Hardy?

Let's just assume anything
you pick out is a no.

OK. Get a basket.

Come on.

Oh, look. There's more.

- Joyce?
- Can I get a basket?

Conrad.

Lewis. CS Lewis.

Tolkien.

Chesterton.

Thackeray.

Ruskin. Huxley.

For $50 you're going to get
a whole classical education.

OK, nerd.

But after this, I have an idea.

Something really classy.

The best table,
front and center.

- Nuh uh.
- Yeah, on the holiday.

You know you're not normal, right?

Well, that was a backhanded
compliment if ever I've heard one.

No, I just mean, there isn't
anybody like you anymore.

No, probably not.

I'm a bit of a relic.

You got all these stories
and travels and experiences.

Anything stopping people
from having stories,

travel experiences,
is getting up and doing it.

- It is not that easy.
- Why not?

Well, for one thing,
you need money.

- Not that much.
- Enough.

OK.

Let's play a game of what if.

If you had the money,
what would you do?

I don't have the money.

That's why it's named what if.
Go on.

If you had the money,
what would you do?

How much?

Oh, I don't know.

$20,000.

- That's a lot of money.
- Yes.

So what would you do?

This is stupid.

It's not.

Go on.

I want to hear.

Maybe go to school.

Not be a bartender
in a shitty dive bar in this place.

Maybe move somewhere.

Maybe the big city.

Where?

I don't know.

New York, Los Angeles.

Somewhere else.

Travel?

Sure.

What sort of school?

I don't know.

- This is stupid.
- Why?

Because it's never
going to happen.

Well, it might.

It's not stupid to dream.

A very strange young man
is teaching me this.

I know what you're doing, and
I don't need somebody to save me.

Good.

I have no intention of doing so.

Good.

So what are you
really doing here?

I know that American
tour thing is bullshit.

I cannot deny it.

But I did receive a letter
from your grandmother.

And I did believe it
to be written by a child.

So you came all this
way for that kid?

It's more complicated
than it sounds.

You get to be my age, you just
need to know certain things,

like when I die,
will I be remembered?

Could I have done things
better in my life?

Should I have done
things differently?

And you didn't have any answers?

I'm a game show host.

Divorced.

Barely see my son,
my grandchildren.

Missed a good friend's funeral.

Dick moves.

Dammit, Dennis.
My housemate.

He's changed my ringtone.

I should take this.

Brian.

It seems altogether silly we're
blindfold to get a cup of coffee.

It's a surprise.

All right, hold on.

Just stand there.

Don't move.

Don't move.

Blindfold off.

Ta da!

How about it?

What do you think?

Well, it's a theater.

Yeah, man.

Yeah, after you told me
you wanted to do a show,

I got this wild idea that I just
buy the old theater downtown,

and you can set up
whatever you wanted.

Yeah, I know it looks
like a family of raccoons

have been living and having
too many babies here.

But we'll get some
people in to clean it up,

put some extra neon lights in,

or whatever your Shakespeare
business needs.

Well, some spotlights
will be better.

Sure. Whatever you need, man.

Whatever you need.

I'm touched, Dennis.

Truly I am.

I got a call yesterday
from my employers.

They need me back.

The British government?

You don't really think
of James Bond, do you?

No, I'm just messing
with you, man.

It's OK.

But you know you
can't go, right?

Well, I'm afraid I have to.

That's why I asked you out
for a coffee this morning.

I didn't expect this.

Wait, so what was all that
talk about trying to figure out

your purpose and all that?

What about your dream of doing
a show in a kickass venue like this?

You're right.

Sorry, Dennis. I let you down.

Seems I'm just

too old to change horses.

That really comes to it.

Nah, at least you're honest.

I'm sorry not to accept
your generous gift.

What will you do with the place?

I don't know maybe...
a strip club.

Yeah.

Yeah, there's
already a pole there.

One there.

Your mind fascinates me.

So that's it.

Well, it's been real, Bond.

- Good luck to you.
- You too.

I hope Tiny Hamster
takes over the world.

Tiny Hammer.

All right.

I have an idea.

Just stay here.

- OK?
- OK.

Don't move.

That doesn't have any debris
or stuff over here, maybe.

You guys here.

Keep coming in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Good, good, good.

OK. All right.

- What's going on?
- It's an audience.

And they want
to see a performance.

To be honest, I don't
know if they really do,

but I paid them each $50
to come here for 30 minutes.

What sort of performance?

Bro, you've been
spinning your wheels

on performing Shakespeare
for an audience. Here you go.

I mean, you've got
a theater, an audience.

- Where more do you need?
- Rehearsal.

No. You got this, man.

You know what they say.

Mom's spaghetti.

All right, everyone. Thank you
so much for following me in today.

Really appreciate it.

We are in for a treat.

Today, we witness
a frickin' genius at work.

I'm talking an original
Lisa Monet in the making.

So without further ado, can
we please give a warm welcome

to the one, the only, the man, the
myth, the legend, Jonathan Robbins!

I know you all will a while uphold
the unhealed humor of your idleness.

And herein will I
imitate the sun,

who doth permit the base
contagious clouds

to smother up his
beauty from the world

that when he pleas again
to be himself, being wanted,

he may be the more
wonder that by breaking

through the foul and ugly mists of
vapors that seem to strangle him.

You here to bribe me into
hanging out with you again?

I wish.

No, I've come to tell you
that I'm heading out now.

Got it.

They need me back.

Turns out they really
do suffer without me.

You're a big deal.

Maybe.

Well... You've got my number,
so do keep in touch.

Let me know how things
are going and all that.

Is that the voice of an angel
on my front lawn?

Oh, hello, my darling.

I have to get back to London.

It's been wonderful.

Thank you.

You're very welcome.

Well, keep watching
the show, I guess.

You know I will.

OK, then.

I'm away.

Goodbye, Mr. Robbins.

Svetlana, it's been
a real pleasure.

I will miss you.

- Take care of this woman.
- I will.

Oh, and good luck with the
fitness video, the bartending,

the medical practices.

Whatever you do.

I'll keep the world turning.

Well, Dennis.

Oh, yes.

This has been
an unexpected delight.

I'm going to miss you, bro.

If you find yourself
in London, you look me up.

You know it.

Oh, and if I do ever
get around to doing

some Shakespeare there, would
you both be my very special guests?

Front row and center.

All right.

Bye now.

Your grave still feel
surprisingly judgmental.

I don't really have
anyone else to talk to.

I did a bit of Shakespeare
in this funny little town.

God, you'd have run me out
of the pub,

or punch some sense into me.

It was a strange feeling that people
might actually have cared about me.

About, not what I did,
but just maybe about me.

Well, you wouldn't have cared
if I hadn't become something.

You cared because
you cared about me.

Simple.

I know it wasn't
your favorite, but...

I'll miss you, my friend.

Hello.

Slow down.

Slow down. Yes.

No. Just listen.

I'll be there first thing, OK?

I'm on my way, all right?

Ruby, can I do anything?

I don't know.

They won't give me any answers.

They just keep running
around putting things in her.

I didn't know who to call.

It's going to be OK.

That boyfriend that I saw
you with, does he hurt you?

Yeah.

You know that's not OK.

Yeah.

You deserve better than
a bastard like that.

I know that.

Thanks for coming.

Hello?

David? It's Jonathan.

You were right, David.
I've been a terrible friend.

Might have been, Mr. Robbins?

Yes. You're alive.

For the moment.

You came back all
this way just for me?

Ruby called.

You care about her.

I can tell.

I'd have to keep
an eye out when I go.

You'll be OK.
I'll get the doctor.

Jonathan, I'm not
going to be OK.

You understand.

I'm ready, though.

Lord, I'm ready.

And I know where I'm going.

How about you, Jonathan?

Do you know where you're going?

No.

Not at all.

The best thing to do is to admit it.

Jonathan, you remember what
you told me out on my lawn?

You said you forgot all
those small things in life.

Well, whatever you do from
here, you remember one thing.

You focus on those
small things now,

and I promise you'll end up
changing someone's life for the better.

Hey, somebody left
something for you.

Make the right decision.

That's fine.

Nice job, Paul.

It looks good.

Ruby, you're here!

Well, you told me to make
choices, even if they don't work out.

I'm very pleased.

I got myself enrolled
in a few online classes.

Nursing school, thinking.

But thought I'd do some traveling.

Who knows, maybe find
a fresh start somewhere else.

Sounds like a very
good decision.

- So this is England, huh?
- Yeah.

Well, the pavement of it.

- Pretty low, isn't it?
- Beautiful.

- And the Henry O'Connor theater?
- Yeah.

I thought I'd honor
the great man in some way.

I'm sure they laughed
me out of town,

and old man like me
jumping out of his end.

I don't care if they do.

- And the game show?
- Oh, they fired me.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ripped up the brand new
contract and everything.

It was defined as
a mutual parting of the ways

after many years
of loyal service.

Although the network did send
a very nice box of chocolates.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, no, no.

Best thing that's
happened to me.

Can we talk about the money?

If we must.

You just didn't need to do that.

If a friend with means
cannot help a friend in need,

then I don't know what
the world is coming to.

You sound like Dr. Seuss.

Ah, finally a genius you've read.

Well, thank you.

Well, if you think
that I helped you,

then you're missing
the point entirely.

You know?

I will be forever grateful
to you and your grandmother.

Now, if you'll forgive me,
I have a long-standing lunch

appointment in 15 minutes.

Oh, that's OK. I mean,
I can find something else.

Well, I was going to ask
if you'd like to join us.

- Yes, I would like that.
- Very good.

It turns out that you're the
only one I know in England.

Has a good staff.
Shall we?

We shall.

Seeking the bubble reputation
even in the cannon's mouth.

And then the justice, his full, round
belly with a good capon lin'd.

With his eyes severe, and beard
of formal cut...

The sixth age shifts into
the lean and slipper'd pantaloon

with spectacles on nose
and pouch on side.

His youthful hose well sav'd a world
too wide for his shrunk shank.

And his big manly voice,
turning into childish tremble.

Last scene of all ends this strange
eventfull history.

Is second childdishness
and mere oblivion.

Sans teeth, sans eyes.

Silence.

Bravo!

Bravo!