Original subtitles

do you have a partner that just stops talking to you during a conflict

do they maybe like leave the room or they just completely close down

this is called stonewalling

and so it doesn't have to be a partner

anyone can Stonewall anyone

it can be a colleague a boss

a parent etc

and so the reason this happens

is because this individual goes into a freeze response during the conflict

basically their nervous system gets so amped up

that they cannot handle the conflict

they cannot handle all the negative emotions that are surfacing

and they completely freeze

and by freezing they have to exit the situation

or they need to just stop the conflict completely

and the way that they know to do this is to Stonewall

granted this is incredibly hurtful to the other individual involved

in this case

probably you that's listening to this video

so what really needs to happen is for the person who is doing the stonewalling

to become more aware of what is happening

for the first step is to not blame themselves

because often times they do feel some guilt in the snow stonewalling procedure

that they do

just realize that this is essentially a physical like

almost like a biological process that happens

and what they need to do is become very aware

of the physical symptoms that occur before they Stonewall

so maybe increased heart rate

some people grind their teeth

some people start to get the sweaty palms

whatever those symptoms are

they need to become more aware of them

and they need to be able to communicate that they need

space and time to process the negative emotions

to re regulate their nervous system

so that they don't Stonewall

and it is on the responsibility of the individual that is stonewalling

to do these things

but it can be difficult because stonewalling is a coping mechanism for them

it is a safety response

and so if you are interacting with someone who is doing the stonewalling

it can be really helpful to approach this in almost like a scientific basis

like look like

I think you know

our nervous system is getting

you know super unregulated during this conflict

and I completely understand why this would happen

but maybe you can communicate with me before the stone walling happens

and you can take that space and that time that you need in order to re regulate

so that you do not hurt me through the stone walling

that you typically engage in