Original subtitles

Uh, a little to the left

and, uh, scooch right.

That's... That's more than a scooch.

There you go. You're gonna have to Goldilocks it.

And... perfect.

That was 30 minutes well spent, boss.

I mean that.

- Wow. - Hmm?

So, you were serious about hanging this...

- Yeah. - ...in the atrium for all to see.

Well, it's not every day I make

the "30 Under 30 Bay Area Changemakers" list.

Yep, number 22. Deuce deuce.

Hmm, sandwiched between the teen volunteer cop

and the woman who trained her dog to pee in a toilet.

It's not about the order.

They pick the best 30 people and list it randomly.

- Right. - Anyways, I'm not doing this for me.

I'm doing this so when people come to work,

they feel like they're part of something special.

The special thing being you.

I mean, in this case, yes.

Well, I got to say, boss, that is a sexy frame.

What is that? Mahogany?

- Plastic. - Elegant.

Well, I have to say, for your standards,

it's pretty understated.

I was afraid you were gonna go over the top.

- Oh. - It's here!

Hey!

Oh, oh, excuse me. Pardon me. All right.

All right.

And voilà.

Ha! Pretty nice, right?

H-H-H-Hey! Lookin' good, baby.

You invited your mom to see it?

- Yeah, get a little closer. - Right here?

Okay, well, this calls for

a J. Crew palate cleanser.

- I'll see you guys tomorrow. - Okay.

Sorry. Can't let you leave.

We found a suspicious package outside.

Between me and you, it's not gonna be anything.

Never is.

But until we complete our investigation,

no one goes in or out.

I'm sorry. So we're... we're stuck here?

Oh, no, guys, don't worry about it.

- I'm gonna go flex a little mayor muscle. - Yeah, handle that, Court.

- He don't know who he dealing with. - Make it happen. Make it happen.

- They can't make us stay. I got... - He don't know who he dealing with.

- You're the mayor. - They can't make us stay.

- Nope. - Yeah, they... they didn't really care.

We're gonna be here for a while.

- It's a lock-down. - Oh.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com

Wow. Bomb scare.

I mean, I can't help but think, man, life is precious.

If this is it, my soul's clean.

Jesus got me.

Now, I'll put in a good word for y'all,

you know, when it seems appropriate.

I can't be pushy on my first day.

Oh, my God. I-If I go now,

people will find an absurd amount

of ladies underwear in my apartment.

Okay, I-I guess I will be the only one to ask, "Why?"

It's not what you think, all right?

I have a dream.

I want to design upmarket intimate apparel

for women of all sizes.

- Hmm. - But now I'm worried that

not only will my dream go unfulfilled,

but in my passing, I'll be remembered

as a plus-size undie freak.

I never got to go SCUBA diving.

I keep telling myself that I'm gonna do it,

but then I'm just so tired on the weekends, you know?

Uh, I'll handle this.

Who are you?

Glen from payroll. I've actually been here a while,

but I just couldn't find the right moment to chime in.

You know, conversation is a lot like jazz.

Okay, thanks, Glen.

Now you have a fun story to tell your friends.

You rode out a lock-down with the mayor.

I don't have any friends, per se.

That's one of the things that excited me about SCUBA...

Okay, we got to figure out what we gonna do.

Ooh, guys, there is a real-life action movie

unfolding right now outside of our window.

Let's go check out the boys in blue do their thing.

Step away from the window.

It's okay. It's just me. Mayor Rose.

We're aware.

Step away from the window, Mayor Rose.

All right.

Those guys are great.

Is it in the nut family?

Bruh, I already told you. Yes.

I'm gonna say...

peanut butter Clif bar.

- Yes! - Ah!

20/20 taste buds, this kid.

It's always the same Clif bar. That's all we got.

- We could play a game. - Yay!

- Oh! - Yes, all right.

Let's play Celebrity.

Genre... women from the '40s and '50s.

Sub-genre... functioning alcoholics.

I do an Edith Piaf that will shock and confuse you.

No, no, no, no, no. Let's play Pictionary, okay?

We have an easel. It'll be fun.

Mayor's orders.

Yeah, it's like a dictionary with pictures.

- Cool. - Mnh-mnh. That's it.

Wait! Hey, where you going?

I don't do Pictionary.

The only thing these hands draw is a bath.

All right, choose the teams!

Ooh, at camp we played "every man for himself." It's intense.

You know, I'm down for whatever Court wants.

Val's right. Sounds like fun. Let's do it.

I'm 100% behind your idea to do Val's idea,

'cause that is the better idea, Courtney.

Oh, someone's making popcorn.

Ugh.

Ugh.

What do you want, Courtney's Mom?

Where'd you get that popcorn?

Smells good, right?

You a pop hound, too?

Just point me in the direction of the popcorn maker.

What?

Try a couple.

A couple!

Eating delicious popcorn with Ed Gunt during a bomb scare?

Jesus, you are mysterious.

If you're gonna hang out, can you at least talk to me

instead of your invisible religion friend?

- Luke Skywalker! - Yes!

- Yesss! - Yesss!

Stepping up to the plate is... Drew Barrymore.

- Uh, a-a floral arrangement. - Illuminati.

- Pizza. - Truth About Cats and Dogs.

Is it, uh...

The Lion, the Witch, and the Cone?

People, uh, in jail.

Um, ice cream on Jaleesi!

Bruh, that's not even a word.

Oh, time's up.

"Zootopia."

- Oh. - Right?

I-It's a cornucopia with animals in it.

It was almost too good.

Who's up next?

It's the Little Mermaid.

I knew about two minutes ago. I just had to see him finish.

- Yeah. - I had that answer, too.

I-I'm playing along by myself,

but if it becomes a distraction, you know, please.

You got to read the room, Glen.

Ready, get the timer set.

- And... go. - Okay.

Uh, "Sharknado"!

Yes! Okay.

- Um, ooh! "Aladin: Return of Jafar"! - Yes!

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt!

- Yes! - What?!

What?

Come on, man.

- What? What is that? - Muffin... Muffin-making machine.

- Hole in one. - Bad energy. Just...

- The Olympics. - Come on, guys!

Sushi. Um...

Amber Tamblyn and the Ramblins!

Time's up.

God! It is "Finding Dory"!

It is "Finding Freaking Dory"! All right?!

We have been all around the world,

all around the world, to find who?!

Dory! That's who!

To find freaking Dory!

U-U-Uh...

I am not gonna forget that.

I mean, Dory would, but that was kind of her thing.

U-Uh... What was that?

It was... It was just Courtney being Courtney.

- He's passionate. - Passionate?

He just karate-kicked my favorite easel.

What makes that one your favorite?

It's foldable, lightweight, and sturdy.

That was a full-blown toddler tantrum

from a grown man who is also the mayor.

Yeah, I don't... I wonder where that came from.

- Yeah. - Are you serious right now?

I don't muse my wonderings out loud unless I'm dead serious.

Courtney exploded because he was losing,

which is something he almost never experiences because...

- What... What is... - Uh...

What is because of... What is this?

Do I have to spell it out for you?

Just use full words.

Okay.

You two are a couple of...

yes-men.

- Um... - Oh, wow.

- No... What? - No. Wow, no.

No, that's... that's ridiculous, Val.

Yeah, he is right, and I...

I am agreeing, but it is also my own opinion as well.

Come on!

You instinctively agree with every idea that he has.

I'm the only one that ever disagrees with him!

Well, yeah, that's why we call you "Bad News Val."

This is an issue, okay?

When important figures surround themselves with cheerleaders,

they lose their footing and they spiral.

True that.

Britney Spears, Justin Bieber...

- Oh... - Carmen Electra.

I met her once at a Barnes & Noble in San Fran

and she was very cold.

That might not have been her, though.

You guys brought this dynamic into the office.

Courtney's the rapper and you're his entourage.

I guess we do treat Courtney

kind of like he's Carmen Electra.

I guess we just lifted him so high

and now he has no perspective.

You're doing him and this city a disservice.

- I'ma go talk to him. - Okay. Good.

Keeping it one hundo.

Knock, knock.

Hey, big dawg.

Wow. You are spinning that thing so fast.

Look at you go.

So, uh...

you want to talk about what happened back there?

Nope.

I mean, I know it was a bad look on me, but...

I'm over it.

That's good. Good, good, good.

Uh, we're... we're still kind of sitting in it, though.

Really? I didn't know it was that big of a deal.

Courtney, there was a bomb scare tonight,

and the one thing we'll remember

is that you completely lost it playing Pictionary.

Dawg, I thought you were coming in here to make me feel better.

Yeah, I usually do that.

Probably too much.

What is that supposed to mean?

We feel like we kind of tell you what you want to hear.

You know, agree with you, sugarcoat things...

not full sugar, just like...

like a drop of honey, like a brush of agave.

Bro, you always tell me things I don't want to hear.

Most of the stuff you say, I don't want to hear.

Yeah, well, it's a problem, Courtney.

You are surrounded by yes-men.

Oh. All right.

Well, I... Look, I don't need my team just to agree with me.

If that's what's happening, it needs to stop now.

100%, I agree, yes.

Are you agreeing with me because you actually agree,

or are you agreeing just to agree?

- Both. - Oh.

It's gonna be a hard habit to break,

but so is dealing with my intimacy issues.

Ding dinger. Who's got the winner?

I can't believe I'm saying this, but you're a popcorn genius.

I know. I'm terrific.

It's a wonder why more people don't like me.

More people don't like you

'cause you act like a cartoon villain.

I'm a cartoon villain?

You're a squeaky, little church mouse

that comes out of the steeple to sing songs to the people.

Well, that image is cute as hell, so I'll allow it,

but you don't know me.

You know, though, the more I eat these kernels,

the more I think there's a little sweetness

in sour, little Ed Gunt after all.

Maybe you do have a heart.

I got bad news, Post Office. I'm not a great guy.

I don't have a decent bone in my body.

I'm just a jackass that can make

earth-shatteringly good popcorn, end of story.

There's sweetness in you, Ed Gunt.

And I'm bored 'cause of this bomb scare,

so I'm gonna sit here and eat these delicious kernels,

and I'm gonna find your tiny, little grinchy heart.

Suit yourself...

Debbie.

You know my name is Dina.

Doesn't matter. I'll forget it tomorrow.

Pictionary was a hot mess.

I'm also hearing that people are sugarcoating some things.

So I hereby declare this a truth summit.

Okay, please, step up and say anything

that you may have been holding back.

This is a safe space... well, outside of the bomb threat.

Who's up?

Okay.

Yeah, I'm game.

Sorry, I know that that is a touchy area,

but let's start there.

Your behavior during Pictionary was completely unacceptable.

Thank you for sharing that.

- Yeah. - Guys, you're up.

All right.

Hi.

Uh, yeah, so, now that I'm in it,

this is requiring a level of courage I do not yet possess.

Just say something that you're feeling

that you haven't communicated.

Ah, yes. Uh...

I know you're 5'11".

I just feel like you're 6'1", and I never told you.

Okay, uh, no. I-I should've been more clear.

Uh, something that you feel that Courtney needs to improve on.

Um...

"I feel like" it's actually dishonest

that you refer to yourself as 5'11"

when you are so clearly a 6'1" kind of guy.

Thank you for sharing that, T. K.

No. Here, watch.

- Courtney, you're arrogant, okay? - Oh.

You don't do your own laundry,

and you use other people's computers

to sign on to your Facebook,

and then I think that I have friends that I don't have.

And I have friends from camp

and from school and professional.

That was a little hard to hear, but...

but thank you.

I think I got it. Uh...

W-Where's he going?

Jermaine, go.

Nah, nah, I'm good.

What?

This thing? I hate it.

It's embarrassing, and you made me pick it up from the printer,

and some guy stopped his car

and asked if my boyfriend needed a ride.

Now, I don't care if someone thinks I'm dating a man,

but I do care if someone thinks I'm dating a cardboard man.

Good! Very truthful!

Ha, the floodgates are open!

Okay, Jermaine, what do you got?

Yeah, I got nothing.

Ah, come on, man. It can be small. It can be big.

You don't tell him what size to do.

I'm killing this. Give me some.

You must like children.

Uh... too needy and they smell.

- Pets? - Too needy and they smell.

Volunteer work.

No. If I'm working, they're paying.

Uh, you got a wedding ring,

which means someone must love you,

so you must be sweet on some level.

Her name's Tandy, and we sleep in separate beds.

And if that bomb goes off, I guarantee you,

her first thought will be the insurance money.

You loved her at some point, so, uh, how'd you meet?

Um, we were on the same...

No, no, no. You were on the same what?

We were on the same salsa team.

Ah! Salsa team! Bust a move, do a move.

- W... No! - Come on!

I'm not gonna get up and dance for you.

Mm-hmm, I bet you're lying.

You don't even know how to salsa dance.

Oh, I know how to salsa.

There's just not enough space here.

Then let's find some space.

The way your voice sounds when you get nervous.

Ooh, that time you called Tina Fey a comedienne.

The fact that you re-tweet compliments about yourself.

Okay, guys! Thank you. I see you have many thoughts.

Very nice.

Jermaine. Come on, bro.

I know you got something. Speak up!

We're not leaving here till you do one.

I m... I-It's dumb, all right?

It's just something about your rapping and whatnot.

It's... It's... It's not even relevant.

Come on. This is a truth summit.

It's a safe space. Don't be scared.

Jermaine.

Jermaine, Jermaine, Jermaine, Jermaine, Jermaine.

Jermaine, Jermaine, Jermaine, Jermaine!

Fine. I don't think you're that talented.

I'm sure this wasn't easy for you guys.

Oh.

W... Um...

I'm gonna leave and get a Coke.

Two... one.

Not talented? Bruh, you crazy?

No, I'm not saying that you're not talented, Courtney.

I'm just saying that maybe we yes-manned you for so long

that we lead you to believe that

you're more talented than you are.

Who are you to tell me how good I am?

Like you can rap.

Do you understand how hard I work at this?

Okay, you know what? Let's j...

Let's just back this up.

If I worked as hard as Jay-Z, I would never be Jay-Z.

- Mm-hmm. - But if I worked as hard as you...

Oh! So... So... So you're saying

you're as good a rapper as I am.

No. No, no, no. I am clarifying my culpability as a yes-man.

Besides, we all know my strength is R&B.

♪ Whooo-hoo ♪

My bad. A misunderstanding.

Yeah, you know what I'm saying? This... This why we boys.

Rap battle. Five minutes.

I think this would be a good time for me to go.

Everyone stays.

One, two, three.

- Spin? Okay. - Now spin.

Hands.

Go. One, two, three. Look.

Hips, hips, hips, hips, hips.

- Thrust. - Ooh.

- Come back... - Oh, I'm sorry.

No, you're doing great for a newbie.

Key is never let your weight fully settle.

- Stay on your toes. - Mm-hmm.

It's a tap. Watch my feet.

You go like this.

You see that?

Your toes are lightly kissing the floor.

- Gotcha. - Got what?

You are patiently teaching me how to salsa,

which means there is sweetness in you.

No, there's not...

you bitch?

Whatever. Try harder.

Back, two, three. Back, two, three.

Um, Courtney, I really don't want to...

- Yap. - Okay.

It's the Brawl in City Hall, and it's about to go down!

Can't you guys just rap on the same team or something?

Nah, because it's gonna go like this.

♪ Look up in the sky ♪

- ♪ It's a bird, it's a plane ♪ - Uh-oh.

♪ Nah, it's 100 pair of underwear ♪

♪ And it belongs to Jermaine ♪

- Yes! - ♪ You're a joke ♪

♪ And I ain't tryna rain on your parade ♪

♪ But you're basically Hugh Hefner ♪

- ♪ Without the fortune and fame ♪ - Ooh!

- That's what I'm talking about. - ♪ So if you ain't got no heart, dawg ♪

♪ Then please, don't step to me ♪

♪ Because my bars get me paid ♪

- ♪ I got City Hall writing checks for me ♪ - Oh!

- Wow! That was... - Oh, damn!

Okay, okay. Big dawg came to play.

- What you got? - All right.

- Oh, my God. - Warrior dance.

♪ I got a face made for TV ♪

- Oh, my God. - ♪ Bravo ♪

- Yes. - ♪ In a battle, you don't want no beef ♪

- Ha-ha! - ♪ Tacos ♪

♪ I'm so fresh, they want more than one ♪

♪ Costco ♪

♪ Yo, your boy Courtney Rose is nothing but a chicken ♪

- Whoo! - ♪ Waffle ♪

- So... It's so good! - Oh! Okay!

I can't believe how you guys can rhyme all those words.

It's so fun! All right, let's go play another game.

I know so many from camp. Good?

♪ We're not playing no more games ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm not done with Jermaine ♪

♪ Your style is pitiful ♪

♪ Lyrically, I'll get rid of you ♪

♪ Oh, this little boy want to rhyme ♪

♪ Oh, my God, how big of you ♪

♪ 25 years old and your body still in middle school ♪

Finish him.

♪ I taught you how to rhyme, dawg ♪

♪ Pay me my residuals ♪

- Ooh, that was good. - Yo! Pow, pow!

Okay!

- Ooh, here he goes again. - Oop, yes.

- Do it for the ancestors. Let's go. - What?

♪ I see you, Mr. Mayor ♪

♪ Hitting under the Gucci belt ♪

- Mm. - ♪ But this just in ♪

♪ I got some truth I got to tell ♪

♪ Courtney is a girl's name ♪

Ooh!

♪ It's a damn shame ♪

♪ We need to ask your mama to explain ♪

♪ How you got that name ♪

- Mm! - ♪ It's a damn shame ♪

- Mm! - Ooh!

Little girl's name, bruh.

- Damn! - Th... Wh...

I didn't know if that was hard or velvety.

- Bravo, sir. - That was really good.

Like, I wouldn't buy it or anything,

but if it came on the radio, I wouldn't turn it off.

I mean, I probably would turn it off, but still really good.

- Thank you. - So good!

Look, anyways, if that's what you're gonna come with,

here we go. I'm about to murder you.

- I'm about to go in on my bars. - Why we... Why do you got to murder me?

Check me out.

- So, here we go. - Hey, everyone!

- Now, hold up! Wait a minute. - Um, um...

- Courtney, no. - No. No, no, no, wait.

- Wait, no, Courtney. - Courtney.

Now, hold up! I'm about to get him!

- I got more bars! - It's a cop! It's a cop!

- It's the police. - Uh-oh.

Sorry for the delay.

We had to get the bomb robot from Fresno.

Ended up being for nothing.

- It was a false alarm... - Hmm.

...like I knew it would be.

Anyway, you're all free to go.

- Oh, thank God. - I'm out of here.

Wait, hold up! No!

Wait a minute. Wait. We ain't finished.

Courtney, we've been here all day. It's late at night.

You did some good raps.

Yes, but I'm about to win this.

Oh, man, you won, man. You the rapper.

You're good. You're talented.

Back, two, three.

One, two, three. Spin.

I hate to break up whatever this is, but we're all clear.

You can go.

Got it. Thank you.

Hey, you're not gonna tell your son

that I'm undercover sweetie, are you?

Because that might sort of ruin the cat-and-mouse thing

- we got going on around here. - Okay, Ed Gunt.

I won't tell my son that you're a secret softie,

but understand that you owe me a favor,

and it ain't gonna be about popcorn.

Wow.

- You're manipulative... - Mm.

- ...and an extortionist... - Mm.

...but I like it.

You know, there's a merengue class at the Y on Tuesdays.

If you ever want to come down, it might be fun to just...

Did you just invite me to a merengue class at the Y?

I'm sorry, Krystal. I can't come out for margaritas, girl,

'cause I got to go merengue class at the Y with Ed Gunt.

The gifts just keep on coming!

- Wow, she's mean. - Whoo! It's the best night ever!

Oh-ho! Do you two want to be alone?

Yo, I cannot believe I put this thing up in City Hall.

It is so embarrassing.

47 of my 87 followers liked it.

Ma, do you think I'm actually any good?

Like... Like, as... as mayor, as a rapper, as a person.

Or have I always surrounded myself with yes-men?

Damn, I'm glad there's two of you here

because one of you is way too serious.

I'm gonna start hanging with flat Courtney.

Okay, baby, listen.

It's obvious to anyone that you're special,

so you're gonna have people telling you yes all the time, you know?

Even me. I'm your mom. I get immunity.

I'm talking about Jermaine and T. K.

Your team goes to work every day

with your best interest at heart,

so if they call your ass out for being a fool, you better listen.

- Yeah, you're right. - I always am.

And listen, baby.

Honesty is everything.

- Okay. - Okay.

Also, where were you at tonight?

Uh, I was, uh, hanging out by the... vending machines.

You know, just eating a whole bunch of barbecue Pringles.

You know how I do. Got a problem, baby.

Pray for your mama.

What's under that?

I don't know, but I'm hoping he moves that sheet.

You and me both, brother.

Okay. All right.

Hey. So, you guys are my fam,

and fam should speak the truth.

And as your mayor, not only do I want to hear

your honest opinions, I need them.

Like, seriously, no one wanted to tell me

that I shouldn't have wore tuxedo tails

to the city auditor's funeral?

Yeah, we did not help you out there.

Which is why I am here to unveil a new innovation for City Hall.

A device that literally takes your thoughts

and puts them in my head.

- Ooh. - Introducing...

the Truth Cube.

So, is that like a suggestion box, or...

What? No, no, this is a place

where people can write down their honest feedback.

Okay, but it looks very similar to a...

It is not a suggestion box.

- Long elevator ride... - Are you going to...

- Please don't tell Courtney... - I meant to tell...

Oh.

Mnh. Okay.

I'ma... I'ma take the stairs...

and then hurl myself down them.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com