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♪♪

Well?

Hasn't anybody got anything to say?

We were waiting to hear what you had to say, Father.

Stop mumbling.

I said...

...what do you think of Atterbury's survey?

Said nothing of the sort.

But if you want my opinion, I think it's fiddle-faddle.

What do you think, Junior?

I concur with you, Grandfather.

You are always right.

No one is always right.

(coughing)

Will that boy ever grow up?

Wire Ivor Nassau in Hollywood immediately

that the house of Pettypacker will accept his offer

of five million dollars for the Colossal Film Company.

Before he recovers consciousness.

And thank Atterbury for his survey,

and tell him of our decision.

(coughing)

I'm honored by your invitation to address my Alma mater.

In the past, however, I've encountered difficulty

in persuading my hearers that the science of mathematics

is not one of mere figures in geometrical design.

Three o'clock, Mr. Dodd.

One minute past, you're late.

But a science more important to life than food and drink?

A science.,, that account should have been out last night.

Without which, there could be no music.

No poetry. No art.

Does this balance, Mr. Dodd?

(Dodd) There's an error in the addition.

The total should be 1,296,321.

- The flight of the birds-- - Adding machine--

Have the adding machine fixed. The leap of a salmon'

the rhythm of the dance, all are mathematical.

- Ah, Atterbury, - Good afternoon, Junior.

Grandpa, er, all of us wish to thank you for your survey.

Proves my point. It'd be ridiculous to sell Colossal.

But,,, (clears throat)

- But what? - We, uh...

we have decided to take Mr. Nassau's offer.

Is your grandfather still in the boardroom?

Uh, yes.

But Atterbury, don't you see...

I see a stubborn disregard for my conclusions, Mr. Pettypacker.

But I see more than that.

I see 30,202 stockholders who are not getting

the protection to which they are entitled.

And just how will you go about helping them?

I'd go to Hollywood.

I'd examine the company's records, discover the error,

and correct it.

Sounds simple, Atterbury.

But here, we're dealing with human factors.

In matters of business, one is forced to ignore human factors.

You're smart, but you're young.

I'm old, but I'm still pretty smart.

Atterbury,

do you realize those are real folks you see

acting those things out on the screen? Yeah.

It's like this: One fellow writes a story'

and another fella directs it.

Or a lot of different temperaments.

That's the way motion pictures are made, Atterbury.

(chuckling) I know, I've looked into it.

Two and two make four, Mr. Pettypacker,

whether they be fish, apples, or human beings.

You're a pig-headed young man, Atterbury!

(Atterbury) You mistake confidence

for stubbornness, Mr. Pettypacker.

Confidence based on mathematics.

A science which has never failed.

It never will fail. I'll stake my future on it.

- Good day, sir. - (Pettypacker) Wait!

You'll stake your future, we're staking five million dollars!

I beg your pardon Mr. Pettypacker,

you're staking nothing of the sort.

You're selling a ten million dollar property for five million

because it offers problems. You're deliberately giving away

five million of your stockholders, money.

- Atterbury, how dare you-- - Shut up!

Shut up!

In 72 years of banking, Atterbury'

no one has ever said a thing like that to me before.

It's your judgment against mine now,

so you go to Hollywood.

You'll be in full charge, with unlimited authority.

But if you fail, don't come back.

I'll go to Hollywood.

(door shuts)

(loud bang)

- (thud) - Have that vulcanized, Junior.

(Junior) Yes, Grandfather.

Hello spectators, this is Rush Hughes'

your Hollywood photographer, hello, hello, and hello.

Atterbury Dodd, New York financial wizard is due in today

to doctor the ailing Colossal Studio but,

and this is the lowdown, Colossal is not sick,

it's dying from slow poison. My guess is it's an inside job

engineered by an outside chiseler

with the aid of which fading feminine supersex star

and what cheese director with a phony foreign accent?

- Don't ask. - Phooey.

(Hughes) Picture a strange Hollywood--

I don't like it. It's too much talk.

(Potts) Don't give it a thought, Mr. Nassau.

I'll take care of Mr. Atterbury Dodd.

And what's the first thing I do? (laughing)

I break his glasses so he can't read the books!

(laughing)

Then during the days, I'll put him on the merry-go-round.

And of an evening, Cheri here can give him the neon treatment.

That is, unless the old gray mare

ain't what she used to be! (laughing)

(Koslofski) Potts!

You should play Gone With The Wind.

But for good you should be gone!

Ah, save them cracks for your pictures.

So you see, Mr. Nassau,

by the time I pour him back in the grate, he's so--

Just a minute, Potts.

Do you know who you're dealing with?

Dodd is the most brilliant financial brain

that has been developed in Wall Street

for the past ten years. Why, he's--

Hey, the third race is on!

(announcer) And here they come down the stretch.

Boy, what a race. Pom-Pom's cut the lead down to half a length

and, there it is folks, almost a photographic finish.

Lady Ethel the winner, Pom-Pom second, and Witchcraft third.

- Now, in just a moment-- - (clicks off)

And this is the point, Potts. And you two might listen.

I'll tell it as simply as I can.

Who knows, you might get it.

We're trying to put over a pretty fast deal.

It's conceivable that the sheer novelty of your drivel

may daze him, for a short time.

He might bore him to death.

Yeah, but your job is tougher.

Dodd doesn't drink, doesn't smoke,

doesn't go out with girls.

Ah, they don't have to worry Thelma none.

Even without his specs, Dodd can figure

she ain't no ingenue.

Oh, the whole setup makes me sick.

You're as bad an actress off as you're on.

You know this deal means a great deal to both of us.

Now I get mine the day Colossal closes, and you get yours.

A five-year contract with the studio that absorbs Colossal.

That isn't bad for a star

that's been on a downgrade for two years.

She will do as I should say so.

Oh, the masterful type, huh?

Mr. Quintain is outside' Mr. Nassau.

I'm not in.

(woman) He knows that Miss Cheri and Mr. Koslofski are here.

Well, well, I ain't here.

Now listen, both of you' and concentrate hard.

Quintain knows more about the picture business than any of us.

We've fooled him so far because this is not picture business.

It's hijacking.

Ah, the genius of Colossal.

- Quintain, glad to see 'ya. - You're a liar.

- Nice going, girly, - Why, Doug...

Listen, you've got a picture to finish,

or maybe it slipped your mind.

I cannot shoot without an ending.

Oh, don't give me that.

From the start, this picture smelled from herring.

First it was writers, dozens of 'em.

Then your cameraman. You shoot five weeks

with a guy that's been photographing you since 1898.

And just because he can't squirt elixir of youth out of his lens'

you start from scratch with a new boy.

- Oh, Doug, you know-- - I know you've stole

a million bucks extra load on the picture.

Naturally, New York's got a yearn to know what's the matter.

Well, get this: I'm not taking the slap for it.

You're the producer, aren't you?

He's just your director, She's your star.

And what do you got to do with this?

Or have you?

Say, listen chiseler, if I thought you had your slimy--

Oh, cool off. Pour yourself a drink.

Doug, you don't expect me to play a love scene I don't feel.

Love scenes the way you feel them?

Look, Camille, they've got censors,

or maybe you haven't heard?

Oh, listen, baby.

Why don't you quit this racket? You're poison at the box office.

Finish the picture and give up gracefully.

Koslofski, you directed a good picture once.

Why don't you prove it was no accident?

I do not argue with peasants.

Oh, so it's like that, eh? Okay.

Well, get it up off there and shoot your love scene.

Smell up the joint good, but close the picture.

That's "or else".

You forget that my contract gives me approval

of cast, direction, cutting--

You're telling me about your contract?

I'm the cluck that gave it to you.

Sure, everybody in Hollywood knows it.

To a dame I was in love with.

So help me, I'm still in love.

Doug, please.

Oh, Doug, now you're not gonna start that again.

- One drink and you're a bang. - So what?

So you're washed up, just another guy that jumped in

a gin bottle and pulled the cork in after him.

- Ha! - All right, go ahead.

Ruin your life, my life.

But this time you'll bail yourself out.

(Koslofski) A charming domestic scene.

Mr. Quintain.

You will please to me the courtesy

to not making love to my fiancée.

In my presence.

Listen, slug, I was making love to your fiancée

long before they turned over that wet stone

and you crawled out, Come on, Mac.

(snaps fingers)

(bell ringing)

(engine revving)

♪♪

(bell ringing)

May I have your autograph, please?

Yes, my chickadee.

Mickey! Hey Mickey!

Oh, you're a lifesaver.

Take the body home before it collapses, will 'ya?

Oh... (exhales)

Oh, my feet are killing me!

You don't mind, do 'ya? You're goin' my way.

You don't have to stand this, mister.

Oh, Mickey.

Drive on, please.

Oh, you don't know how grateful I am.

You comin' or goin'?

Uh, arriving.

Are you an actress?

Uh-uh, I'm a stand-in for Thelma Cheri.

Pardon my inquiring, but would you mind telling me

who is Thelma Cheri' and what is a stand-in?

(laughs) I'd go without pie for a week

if Thelma could hear you say that.

But you do know what a star is, don't you?

Well, um, vaguely, yes.

(laughs) How you must get around.

Well, Thelma Cheri's a star, and, like most stars,

she's a pretty fragile cut of steak.

She mustn't be fatigued or mussed.

And, above all, she must never be so vulgar as to perspire.

Hence, the stand-in does her sweating for her.

I see.

Uh, I'm sorry but I haven't the faintest idea

what you're talking about.

Now, look. You wouldn't expect a star to endure the heat

of the lights while they're setting up

the cameras and microphones, would you?

No, I suppose not.

No. So they dig up a gal, that's me, to stand in for her

while all this torture goes on.

(Dodd) Oh, yeah?

Then, when everything's set, the star, cool and immaculate,

puts her dainty little feet in the chalk marks.

And the stand-in, worn and wilted,

fades out of the picture and business goes on as usual.

I see.

(clears throat) Yes.

Say, sonny boy, who are you, anyway, to rate this car?

Oh, my name is Dodd. Atterbury Dodd.

Oh, I'm Lester Plum. How do you do?

How do you do?

You in the picture business?

As a matter of fact, I'm a kind of stand-in, too. For my bank.

You see, I'm out here

to take temporary charge of Colossal Studios.

Mister, with your practically encyclopedic knowledge

of the picture business, you ought to be terrific.

(laughs) Boy, that certainly rounds out my existence.

Life can hold but one more moment for me.

- Indeed? - Yeah.

When they make Shirley Temple president of a bank.

Oh. (laughs)

Yes.

So, you're the new boss at Colossal, huh?

Tell me, are you a doer or a don't-er?

I beg your pardon?

Well, the don't-ers are the guys that go Hollywood.

They have beaucoup fun, but they don't do anything.

It's the doers that wreck the works.

They barge in and fire everybody.

My dear young woman, I am a businessman.

Naturally, there are some aspects

peculiar to this business,

and it's my plan to find out about them.

Ah! A finder-outer. Now we're getting someplace.

An orderly mind, Miss Plum, does not attempt to arrive at a total

until it has assimilated a complete list

of the items involved.

Yeah, but most of the finder-outers

get their list of items from the screwer-uppers.

The, uh, screwer-uppers?

Hey, Mickey, here's the homestead.

(Mickey) Okay.

You're a lamb, sonny boy.

But, uh, don't let 'em lead you to the slaughterhouse.

So long.

(engine revving)

Hey, sonny boy! Wait a minute! Hey!

(manager) We're very proud of this suite, Mr. Dodd.

Two bedrooms, one in orchid, and the other in pale fudge.

And the bath in dramatic jungle red.

Tell me, how much does all this bad taste cost?

Oh, a hundred dollars a day.

But I shouldn't worry. It's charged to Colossal.

Well, Doddsy, old sock, sorry I lost you at the station.

(laughing)

Get a load of that space.

Boy, you couldn't have grabbed more

if you was a trunk murder victim.

(laughing)

Hey, some hideaway you got here, you dog.

Make it snappy, my tongue's hanging out.

(laughing) Here you are, charge it to Colossal.

(laughing)

That's the picture business for you, Doddsy.

(chuckling)

Look, Doddsy, the girls here broke plenty of dates

for us tonight. Girls, meet Mr. Dodd.

- How do you do? - Hi.

Doddsy here is the first guy I ever met

that ever made a crack about my name.

- (laughing) - What is your name?

Potts, and I got a window! (laughing)

Oh, now look, Doddsy' here's the menu for tonight.

First, we attack the Trocadero.

Get your autograph book filled just like that.

- (snaps fingers) - Mr. Potts'

I appreciate your... friends

breaking numerous engagements for me, but

I'm here on business.

(woman) Mr. Dodd?

- You are Mr. Dodd, ain'tcha? - Yes.

I read you were comin' here to run Colossal,

and I made up my mind I was gonna see you.

I've been here six months!

And I haven't been able to get into a studio.

Elvira, this is Mr, Dodd, who can give you a contract.

There's not a child in Hollywood who can do the things

that my Elvira can do.

Now, swing it, child.

(harmonica playing)

♪♪

Elvira sure can go to town, can't she?

Elvira, do that Mae West number.

Don't you think Elvira's done enough?

That's up to you, Mr. Dodd.

Now, tell me honestly. What do you think?

I'll tell you quite honestly, madam.

I think this little girl should be out in the sunshine,

playing with her dolls, instead of being forced

to give a revolting exhibition like this.

No wonder you couldn't get into any of the studios.

Do you know what you are doing?

You're robbing your daughter of her childhood.

- So will you please leave? - But--

Or shall I be forced to send for the juvenile authorities?

(Potts) Attaboy, Atterbury!

(chuckles) Get it? Attaboy, Atterbury?

(laughing)

Will you excuse me? I-- I'm not feeling very well.

A shot of bicarb'll fix that. (laughing)

(chuckling) How do you do?

How do you do, sir?

Could I speak to Miss Lester Plum, please?

Step right in, my son, and I'll tell her.

Thank you, sir.

Uh, won't you be seated?

Oh, they've decided on somebody else?

Extra work?

But I starred in that picture in the silent days.

There must be some little part.

Lester is making herself decent.

(woman) I see.

Well, thanks anyway.

What news from the battlefront, Naomi?

- They offered me extra work. - Don't take it, Naomi.

Fight it out on this land if it takes all summer.

That's what I'm doing.

And with The Battle Of Gettysburg

scheduled for a remake,

they'll have to come to me, and I'm ready for them.

Four score and seven years ago

our fathers brought forth upon this continent'

a new nation,

conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the, uh...

uh, to the, to the...

uh, proposition that all men are created equal.

And now we're engaged in a great war.

A great civil war.

For seven years I have waited for this part,

and I would've sworn that I was ready.

But now, I...

Four score and seven years ago

our fathers brought forth upon this continent, a new nation...

Sonny boy!

Miss Plum.

- You forgot this. - Oh, thank you.

I could have stopped by the hotel for it.

You would not have found me there.

Oh. Uh, come on over and sit down, huh?

Thank you.

Miss Plum, tell me.

There must be some place where a man can live

without being tricked and tormented

by people who want to do his thinking for him?

Not when you're a big shot, That's the picture business.

- (door closes) - Tommy!

- (Tommy) Hello. - How'd it go, kid?

- Oh, I didn't do it. - Aw.

Well, gee, Lester, it was a tough stunt.

Look, I'll show you.

You see, Blake and me are supposed to be fencing

at the top of the palace steps.

(grunts) And he gives it to me.

(thudding)

(panting)

And they wanted me to do that for seven and a half bucks.

Can you imagine that?

Oh, I don't blame you, Tommy.

It's worth fifteen bucks if it's worth a cent.

But he just did it for nothing!

Well, I got my pride, haven't I?

Besides, that's the picture business.

That I feel like kind of a heel owing the old lady

so much back rent.

Gosh, if I was sure I'd crack a couple of ribs or something,

I'd have done it.

Eighteen bucks a week and hospital expenses isn't so bad.

Would've been just my luck not even to get hurt.

Miss Plum,

goodbye.

I'm sorry to have burdened you.

Wait.

Uh, if you don't mind sharing the bathtub

with a trained seal, we have a vacancy here.

- Here? - Sure.

It's the last place in the world they'd ever expect to find you.

And if you're on the level about that finder-outer business'

these folks here know all the answers.

They're down and out, but the only difference between them

and the people on top is the others have jobs now.

Miss Plum, I'll send for my things.

And as for that, uh, trained seal,

I'm sure he can't be half as obnoxious

as a certain Mr. Potts.

Precisely what I wanted.

Are you sure the hams won't get you down?

Hams, failures' and has-beens?

They don't seem to have got you down, Miss Plum.

Me? I heard the list of "who's through in Hollywood."

Come here and I'll show you.

Oh, uh, I forgot to tell you we're neighbors. Any objections?

I see no reason why that should affect the situation.

No, you're right. It wouldn't.

Oh, here it is. Let's sit down over here.

Would you think that's me?

- (Dodd) No. - (Plum) Oh, such is fame.

When that picture was taken, I was getting $4,000 a week.

- Four thousand a week? - Mm-hmm.

I was the Shirley Temple of my day.

I've heard that name several times today, Miss Plum.

(stammering) Who is Miss Temple?

Skip it.

Well, it's not important, Tell me, Miss Plum,

what is your present remuneration?

Well, if you mean wages, I make $40 a week, when working.

It's entirely wrong, Miss Plum.

Mm, you're telling me.

I mean, the ratio of $4,000 to $40.

An inventory taken today would show

that you have the same assets that you had as a child.

Your mind is mature, above average'

- if I may say so. - You may.

Please don't interrupt, Miss Plum.

- Okay, teach. - Yes.

Physically, you are stronger.

Potentially, if you were worth $4,000 a week then,

you should be worth $8,000 a week now.

It's simple mathematics.

- There must be some element-- - I'll say there's an element.

Hey, Do you like chocolate?

Chocolate, Miss Plum? Yes.

Okay, then maybe John Public likes vanilla.

Vanilla?

Look.

♪♪

You like it?

- It's horrible, Miss Plum. - (laughing) Sure.

But when I was so gross, it was awful cute.

- But, Miss Plum-- - The point is,

sonny boy, that I'm now dishing raspberry and John Public

- still likes vanilla, - I see.

Oh, I'm not squawking 'cause old age got me.

I've still got my Social Security number.

Hey.

You'll be needing a secretary, and I've got the answer.

Come here. Look.

My night school diploma, Read it and gasp.

Maxima cum laude. That's Greek for "with highest honors."

I'm afraid that's Latin, Miss Plum.

And, as a matter of fact, I've usually had a male secretary.

Oh, well, I'll try to keep my voice and my emotions

in a low register.

(both laughing)

(woman) Lester?

You know the rules of the house.

Oh, Mrs. Mack, I was about to call you.

- I was showing Mr.-- - (clears throat)

Mr. Atterbury the next room.

The rent's $12 a week.

I don't allow cooking in the rooms,

drinking on the premises, and I expect my guests

to be ladies and gentlemen all the time.

Oh, one more thing. No pets of any kind.

(seal barking)

- (laughing) - (seal barks)

- I'd, I'd-- - (seal barks)

Uh, Silvernose belongs to my husband.

He's the only trained seal in pictures.

Gets more fan mail than Clark Gable.

(laughing)

- Who, uh-- - Uh, skip it.

(penguin screeches)

You know, for the moment' Miss Plum, I'

- I thought I was-- - (penguin screeches)

That's the Admiral. (laughing)

I told Mr, Atterbury about Silvernose.

Yes, I'm, I'm sure we won't get in each other's way, Mrs., um...

Yes.

(engine revving)

Excuse me, could you direct me to Mr. Quintain's office?

- Got a pass? - Why, no, I'm--

I don't care if you're the tax collector,

nobody gets through this gate without a pass.

I see, Is that the usual procedure?

No, this is the usual procedure.

It--It's a pleasure to see such a competent man

in a position of trust.

Who shall I tell him's calling?

Uh, Mr. Dodd.

- Mr. Atterbury Dodd? - Yes.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I should've known.

Why? You've never seen me before.

Uh, sit down, Mr. Dodd.

Mr. Quintain, before we discuss business'

let me say that I will consider it an impertinence

if you ask me to carouse, drink, or go to parties.

Well, may I ask what prompts this?

Well, your Mr. Potts seems to be under the impression

that I'm given to riotous living.

I don't want you to make the same mistake.

I'm neither a libertine nor a charlatan.

I'm here for one purpose only: to ascertain why it is

that Colossal is losing money instead of making it.

Oh, you may count on my complete cooperation, Mr. Dodd.

Yes, I expect that, sir.

I suppose you'd like to take a look at the books immediately.

Well, it seems to me that if I were to inspect the factory,

equip myself with the complete knowledge

of the intricacies of picture-making,

I could approach the books more intelligently tomorrow.

Uh, Mr, Dodd, I've been in the business of making pictures

for 20 years, and there's still several intricacies

that I haven't figured out myself yet.

Look, I'll give you a rough idea.

See, here's the administration building.

Fire and police departments, Sound stages.

Commissary. Recording room.

Most interesting, Mr. Quintain.

But in these walls, three thousand units,

just to manufacture motion pictures.

Units?

Carpenters, electricians, artisans of all sorts'

cogs in the machine.

They're not cogs and they're not units, Mr. Dodd.

They're people, Human beings.

For the purposes of bookkeeping, Mr. Quintain,

I prefer to regard them as units.

Now, you peddle this joint to Nassau and your units

will be on the dole.

Your logic escapes me, sir.

Well, every time an independent studio becomes important,

Nassau is the heel who puts them out of business.

He's a stock juggler.

Makes his money out of closing studios, not operating them.

That's a very startling piece of information, Mr. Quintain.

He'd buy this joint just like he did Excelsior and National.

In fifteen minutes' it'll be a ghost town.

(indistinct conversations)

This way, Mr. Dodd.

All right, we can go in now.

Now, hit her on the back of the head with that spot.

Hey, make it snappy, will 'ya, kiddies? I'm roasting.

Kill that (indistinct) there, put a jelly on the 18.

Good.

Now, move that broad in closer to flood.

First position.

Bring up that baby and break its neck.

Kill the junior.

Second position.

Heads up.

Doddsy, old socks, I'm glad to see you!

Come here, come here. I wanna get a picture of you.

For publicity, understand?

All right, here you are now. Just point to the dames.

Understand? Get it. Okay.

Why should I point to these--

- Hold it, still! - Great, great!

Because they're banker finds snow on a snowbank!

Get it? Banker? Snowbank?

(laughing)

(clears throat) Come on kids, let's go.

(man) Now let's see the blizzard.

(wind blowing)

- (man) Kill it. - (whistle blowing)

(wind stops)

- You've seen enough? - Quite.

Now, come along, I'll have you meet Miss Cheri.

- (knocking) - Thelma?

Yeah?

Oh, Thelma, this is Mr. Atterbury Dodd.

Miss Cheri.

Oh, how do you do, Mr. Dodd?

And Mr. Koslofski, Mr. Dodd.

It's a pleasure, Quite.

Mr, Dodd, won't you sit down?

Thank you.

All lined up, chief.

Excuse me.

I'll catch you outside.

I've arranged a little surprise party in your honor.

I just know you'll love it.

Miss Cheri, I shan't. I don't like parties.

I don't know what to say to people, I just sit in corners

and wish I might go home.

That's exactly how I feel.

But, of course, you're in a position

to do as you please, while I...

I'm a slave, really.

To the millions of people who depend on me

to bring cheer into their drab lives.

Well, (stammering) excuse me.

Oh, forgive me.

(laughing) You shouldn't be an executive.

Oh, no indeed. Look in that mirror.

You have such, such fine, chiseled features.

(man) All set, Miss Cheri.

Better hurry, or your stand-in will fry.

Well, let her fry.

I think I shall insist upon you for my leading man.

Miss Cheri, I sometimes find it difficult to

differentiate between facetiousness and sincerity.

- Mm-hmm. - But if you're not joking,

my duties here would prevent any such project.

Even if I could permit myself to be exhibited in the films.

Oh, but stranger things than that

have happened in Hollywood.

Why, even I was a cigarette girl in a nightclub in Dallas once.

Would you believe that?

Oh, yes. (stammering) Excuse me.

(whispering) Has he lost something?

No, He's looking for camera angles.

What is this?

- Flay the lights, - It's edelweiss, chief.

It's what the script calls for.

Mr. Dodd'

you see with your own eyes what is up against the creator.

Is this edelweiss?

Well, I'm not a botanist, but it looks like edelweiss.

Ah, it looks like edelweiss but it is not edelweiss.

It is paper.

- Get real edelweiss. - But, chief.

We'd have to send to Switzerland.

I'll wait.

What shall I do, Mr. Quintain?

Well, I think this is something

for the head of the company to decide.

(clears throat)

In as much as there is a blizzard

raging during the scene,

will anyone see the edelweiss?

Mr. Dodd. In Russia,

when I make my great classic From The Cradle To The Grave,

I had a real cradle and a real grave!

Now they want me to shoot paper flowers.

Thelma, tell him.

I think Mr. Dodd is perfectly right.

How easily your trained mind

cuts through the obvious conclusion.

All right, let's see your trained mind cut through

and bring this picture to an obvious conclusion.

- Shall we...? - Let us proceed.

(man) Kill the treadmill. Okay, Miss Cheri.

All right. Roll 'em.

Give me the effects! Treadmill.

Clouds!

Snowbank!

Trees!

(Plum) Hey, Mr. Dodd.

Oh, how do you do, Miss Plum?

Well, that's up to you. Do I get that job or do I

have to pin my faith on the Townsend plan?

This is the last shot in the picture, you know.

- I'll keep you in mind, - Yeah, I'll see to that.

Hey, listen sonny boy.

Don't let them take you over the high jumps.

Hmm?

You see that thing over there I was riding on?

It's like a merry-go-round.

It goes like mad and never gets you anywhere.

I fail to understand.

Yeah, so did Napoleon, and look what happened in Waterloo.

- The blizzard! - (indistinct).

(wind blowing)

- (Dodd) Oh, Miss Plum... - (Koslofski) Quiet!

Paper edelweiss.

Tell me when it's over.

- Cut! - (whistle blows)

(clicking)

- Colossal Studio, good evening. - How can I connect you?

I'm sorry, Miss Cheri'

Mr, Dodd is still not accepting any calls.

- Colossal Studio. - I will. You're welcome.

Colossal Studio, good evening.

$280,000 for story costs on Sex and Satan.

Fantastic.

Can you tell me why one story has to be written so many times?

That's the picture business.

"That's the picture business."

Hasn't anybody any answer for stupidity except

"that's the picture business"?

I'm sorry, Mr, Dodd, but that's the only answer.

(sighs)

(Plum) Hey, sonny boy.

- Why, Miss Plum. - You remember me,

the girl you mentioned the job to?

I couldn't get you by phone, you haven't been near the house,

so, here I am.

- Come in, Miss Plum. - Thank you.

(door closes)

I'm sorry, sir.

Quite all right, Mr. Glover, don't apologize.

You can go home now, and thanks very much.

(Glover) Thank you, sir.

Miss Plum, close both doors.

My my, you talk like a producer.

But I can scream so you can hear it

through more closed doors than this.

Can you? Oh, yes.

- Have a seat, Miss Plum, - Thank you.

I wish to think aloud, and I find

that I can do so more efficiently

in the form of conversation.

I've made a cursory investigation

and, frankly, I'm appalled.

Oh. Maybe you appall easily?

Koslofski. Real edelweiss.

Thelma Cheri, eleven writers. Potts!

Mr. Dodd, before you trust me too far,

don't you think it'd be safer if I were your secretary

instead of a stray you found on your doorstep?

Quite true, Miss Plum.

But I warn you, I require someone who cannot be corrupted.

And who will be absolutely faithful to me.

Sonny boy, most men like women that are faithful

but who will corrupt easily.

(clears throat) Miss Plum'

Uh, as employer and employee, I feel that

a certain formality in our relationship.

Oh, you mean during business hours

I'm to call you Mr. Dodd, is that it?

Uh, if you will, Miss Plum.

Okay, Sonny b... uh, Mr. Dodd.

(Dodd) Thank you.

I have a confidential telegram to get off immediately.

I warn you, accuracy and speed will be the vital factors

affecting your permanent employment.

"Pettypacker and Sons, Wall Street, New York City.

"Gentlemen'

"am delaying report RE: financial structure Colossal,

"until special production, quote, Sex and Satan, unquote,

"can be viewed and judged...

",,,as to potential value, Stop."

Miss Plum.

Yes, Mr. Dodd?

Would you mind sitting over here?

(Plum) No, of course not.

(clears throat) Now, Miss Plum.

Let us assume that you are dictating,

and that I am the secretary.

You will observe that I am not doing this,

nor this,

nor am I doing this.

Instead, I am doing this.

"Yes, Mr. Dodd?"

Yes, Mr. Dodd.

Let us start again from the beginning, shall we?

Why should we start at the beginning?

Why don't we pick it up where we left off?

Miss Plum, this is no time for levity.

(Plum) Isn't this what you said?

"Pettypacker and Son, Wall Street, New York City,

"Gentlemen, am delaying report RE: financial structure

Colossal until special production,

quote, Sex and Satan, unquote,

can be viewed and judged as to potential value, stop."

A truly remarkable feat of memory, Miss Plum.

Oh, you forget I was a kid star.

Shirley Temple could've memorized

that dull little speech of yours backwards.

Of course, I will take it down in shorthand if you want me to'

but you'll have to slow down.

Yes.

(gasping) Um, what did I say last?

"Judged as to potential value, stop."

Exactly.

"Success or failure, this production

"will vitally influence

"my ultimate decision RE: sale Colossal to Nassau,

"stop."

(typewriter clacking)

♪ Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday dear Grandpa ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- (cracking) - Eh? What's going on?

Happy birthday, Father.

What's happy about it?

Now, Fowler.

I say what's happy about it?

(coughing)

It looks like a forest fire.

(blowing and spitting)

(chuckling)

And if that fella, Atterbury Dodd,

is the cause of my losing five million dollars,

I'll...

♪♪

What's that for?

I'm gonna get you a hunk of something

you haven't had for days - fresh air.

You've got the jitters.

There's nothing the matter with my nerves.

Sonny boy.

Mr. Dodd, I mean.

You forget that I work beside you all day long

and sleep in the room next to you at night.

And I haven't done much sleeping lately

because you've been doing my treadmill act.

As a matter of fact, I am disturbed.

Well, the time for you to be disturbed is tomorrow,

when the picture's stuck together

and you get your first horrified look at it.

Miss Plum, this is a crisis.

The savings of 30,000 stockholders'

the integrity of my bank' incidentally, my own career,

all hang on the success or failure of Sex and Satan.

- Now, do you wonder that-- - Plenty.

I wonder if you have any normal, male instincts.

(whispering) Hey.

Do you mind if we talk about me for a minute?

No, not at all.

Did you ever notice anything about my hair?

- Your hair, Miss Plum? - Yes. Feel it.

It's very soft.

And the wave is as natural as the crease in (indistinct).

And the color is rich and real and utterly feminine.

The implication escapes me.

Okay. One strike.

- Strike? - (sighs)

Wait.

Look at my eyes.

You notice anything?

There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with them,

so far as I can see.

If I can rely on the voice of the mob,

my eyes are of unusual depth and color,

and they're very large and wide apart.

Many's the extra boy who's been willing

to give up his title for those eyes.

Well?

What you say is no doubt true, Miss Plum. But, um...

(whispering) Okay. Two strikes.

But, you gotta toss me one more.

Mr. Dodd, I, um, scarcely know how to approach this,

but, uh, well, I mean...

haven't you noticed anything about me at all?

Why, yes I have, Miss Plum.

I am intrigued by your mind.

- And I must confess-- - Strike three, I'm out.

I must confess I've studied your personal appearance

quite exhaustively.

Boy, you've got me there.

Tell me, did your studies reveal any faint traces of beauty?

Well, you must be rather beautiful, Miss Plum,

otherwise the impulse to observe you

would never have occurred to me.

Oh, you're capable of great restraint in your admiration.

My dear Miss Plum, this is a business day.

All right, so it's a business day.

Does that mean you have to stick around here

and worry yourself sick? You're dead 'til tomorrow.

Meanwhile, you and I are gonna have some fun.

Miss Plum!

Look, maybe you're gonna fire me for saying this,

but I've got to, because...

well, because I've just got to.

You know what's the trouble with you?

You've got figures in your blood instead of red corpuscles.

You're a scratched entry in the human race.

Well, my, goodness gracious.

You're a complete-- Well, I can prove it!

- Did you ever hit a man? - No.

- Did you ever love a woman? - Never.

Did you ever get drunk and thrown out on your ear?

Certainly not.

Weren't you ever wicked, or

didn't you ever want to be wicked?

- Never, - Haven't you had

- any fun at all? - I haven't had

- time for fun. - Well,

we're gonna have some fun tonight!

♪♪

Oh, I'm sorry.

I just couldn't help it.

Miss Plum,

please don't go away.

Miss Plum,

you show me a picture of myself

that is not pleasant to behold.

I seem to have led an odd kind of existence.

I've been unaware of life as it went on around me,

but I was contented'

and I didn't want to be disturbed in my contentment.

I seem to be left a long way behind.

Then, you better start catching up.

I agree.

(Plum) What are you gonna do about it?

In the future, I shall not tether my emotions'

I shall give life an opportunity

to make me the kind of person I might've been.

Miss Plum, do you dance?

- Yes, of course! - Good.

♪♪

Well? Come on. Don't you know how?

(stammering) No, if you'll just do it by yourself first.

(laughing) Okay.

You mind if I use a stand-in?

Stop! Uh, stay right there, Miss Plum.

On the fourth beat, your foot was...

here,

and the third... here.

(laughing) Oh, you can't learn to dance by mathematics.

It's rhythm.

Rhythm is based on mathematics, Miss Plum. Hold it.

♪♪

(phone dialing)

Hey, this is Lester.

I--I won't be home for dinner.

No, and Mrs. Mack, don't hold dinner for Mr. Atterbury either.

(laughing) No. Goodbye.

One, two, three...

four.

One, two, three, four.

(laughing) Well, I wouldn't have believed it if I'd seen it

with my own eyes, Come on.

One, two, three--

Where do you plan on going tonight?

Four. One...

I decided to take your advice, Miss Plum.

Three, four. I'm going out dancing.

One, two, with Miss Cheri.

You better take the rug with 'ya,

you... you vacuum, you!

Why, Miss Plum...

(door slams)

- ♪♪ - One, two, three, four...

- You tango divinely, Mr, Dodd. - One, two, three, four...

Thanks very much, Two, three, four...

If only this could go on forever'

instead of just a sweet glimpse.

One, two, three... a glimpse of what?

Oh, the kind of a glimpse a girl like me gets

when her orbit crosses the orbit of a man like you

for one brief moment.

Beg your pardon?

(inhales deeply) Excuse me.

(chuckles)

Do you ever dream, Mr. Dodd?

N--no, not habitually.

Two, three, four, one, two, three, four...

Occasionally, when I have something to eat

which disagrees with me, Four...

Just won't be serious, will you, Mr. Dodd?

(cheering)

- (indistinct) - Let's slay 'em, dearie,

- with a rhumba! Hey! - Hey!

(applause)

Beg pardon, madam, you are wanted on the telephone.

(chuckles) Oh, pardon me.

I'll only be a moment.

And remember, the next dance is mine.

Well, Dodd, how do you like Hollywood?

Well, I--I've been so busy--

Well, that's the trouble, you big fellas

don't know how to relax.

You're trying to repair in a day

the accumulated damages of years of bad management.

Now, I'll take Colossal, for instance--

Yes, that's precisely what I'm trying to prevent.

Huh? (laughing)

That's very good, Dodd, Now that you mention it'

I know things about that situation that you do not know.

Exactly.

For example, you know why

Colossal is worth five million dollars to you'

while the Pettypackers consider it

worthless to their stockholders.

Hmm. You make it sound like a conspiracy

against the stockholders.

The thought was yours, not mine.

And, Mr. Nassau,

if you are contemplating trying to intimidate'

cajole, or otherwise swerve me from my purpose here'

Listen, Dodd, you've got lots to learn.

(laughing)

But you're all right, Yes, sir, you're all right!

(laughing)

Thank you, Mr. Nassau.

But honey, I can't leave, The brawl's in Dodd's honor.

(laughing)

All right, All right, pick me up when you're through,

but make it early, will 'ya, babe?

Honey, how's the picture look?

I haven't seen a foot of it.

But let's not talk about the picture.

I don't wanna fight with you tonight, you beautiful--

- (projector whirring) - (phone hangs up)

Say, how soon do we get a look at this cheesecake?

I'm pasting it together as fast as I can.

Take a look at this.

300 feet of Cheri's pan, stops the action dead.

But if I cut an inch of it, she'll get me fired.

(projector whirring)

♪♪

Mr. Dodd, how do you occupy your leisure?

Miss Cheri, all the excitement'

the romance, the adventure that I want,

I find in my own way.

Your own way?

Well, if you must know, in the science of mathematics.

How fascinating!

How dull. How deadly dull, Mr. Dodd.

That's a perfectly normal reaction, Mr. Koslofski'

because you don't know the science of mathematics.

It's more important to life than meat and drink.

Without it, there could be no music. No art. No poetry.

The flight of the bird. The leap of the salmon.

The rhythm of the d--

The, uh... the...

flight of the bird, leap of the salmon, the...

the rhythm of the dance.

It's a lie!

Are you calling me maybe crook?

I'm calling you nothing.

But your possession of these articles

require some explanation.

Oh, now please, Mr. Dodd. He didn't know what he was doing.

Consider the incident closed.

Oh, no, wait, Mr. Dodd. Oh, no, please, now don't go.

No, please, please, for my sake.

- Don't go, - Doddsy'

the party's in your honor!

Don't you think I've been honored

sufficiently for one evening?

Good night.

(laughing)

(laughing grows louder)

(Dobbs) Take the rhythm of the salmon, the leap of the dance,

- you take it, I can't! - (laughing)

Come here, baby. Give us some music over there.

- One, two, three, four. - (laughing)

And a one, and a two'

what big eyes you got, Miss Cheri'

and a 3, and a 4...

(laughing)

(deep breath, laughing stops)

(clears throat)

♪♪

(crying)

(knocking)

(Dodd) Miss Plum?

(knocking)

(Dodd) What's the matter, Miss Plum?

(knocking)

(Dodd) Miss Plum, open the door. I insist.

Well? What do you want?

- I heard sounds of distress. - Oh, your eye!

- What happened? - I, uh, I fell.

I know, after somebody punched you.

Let's see it.

Oh...

You look like a bad embalming job.

- Who hit you? - Koslofski.

- Did you slug him back? - (stammering) No, I--

What are you, anyway, a mouse or a man?

Miss Plum, if a man can't control himself,

how can he hope to control others?

Besides, I, uh, don't know much about

the art of self-defense.

Well, you could've done this...

(thudding)

Why, miss Plum, you're... you're wonderful.

I don't see anything wonderful about it'

it's just plain jujitsu. A trick of leverage.

Leverage?

A principle of Archimedes, the Greek mathematician.

Well, I don't know anything about that. All I know

is it comes in very handy when some guy who's

driving you home tries to shift gears with your knee.

Miss Plum, teach me how to do that?

I taught you how to do the tango, and look what happened.

By the way, how'd you make out with that female Casanova?

Miss Plum, I must insist

that you grant Miss Cheri the respect--

The respect to which she's entitled, is that it?

Protecting her against me, huh?

And now you want me to teach you jujitsu.

- If you don't mind, Miss Plum. - It'll be a pleasure!

(thudding)

- Oh, you're hurt. - No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, you are hurt!

(laughing) No, no, Miss Plum, it's just my eyes.

Unfortunately, without glasses I suffer from multiple vision.

Now, let me see, Um, let me do it to you.

Now, let me see, First of all, I, um...

I pull this down, Then I...

then I do this?

- Then I hold you close, - Closer.

- I beg your pardon? - Closer.

Close as you can.

Oh, yes.

Now, what do I do?

Don't you know?

Of course! Now I apply the leverage!

(thudding and banging)

I mastered it!

Without striking a blow, I can render a person helpless!

Miss Plum.

Oh, my dear Miss Plum.

You're hurt.

Let me rub it for you.

Where are you hurt, Miss Plum?

Not where your rubbing will do it any good, sonny boy.

(seal barks)

Oh, Mr. Dodd, Lester told us who you are.

About you being the head of Colossal, that is.

You know, Silvernose's contract with Monarch

expires next week, he's a buy at three-and-a-half!

(both laughing)

♪♪

(lion roaring)

(elephant trumpeting)

(owl hooting)

(monkey chittering)

(monkey chirping)

(gasping) Oh!

(gasping)

Goodbye... little... jungle goddess...

Oh, Sir Geoffrey.

My beloved.

I see... snow.

The edelweiss.

Oh...

(gasping)

Congo, he's dead!

(monkey whimpering)

(gasping)

But,,. but I shall keep our tryst.

(sighs)

St. Moritz, in October.

♪♪

Oh, Miss Plum.

Would you mind telling me how the picture left you?

Numb. Just numb.

Oh, uh, if you want me, I'll, uh,

"I'll be in St. Moritz' in October."

- (door closes) - (Koslowski) Mr. Dodd.

Please, last night I'm filled from remorses.

Vodka does strange things.

That was social. This is business.

I accept.

Miss Cheri, are you satisfied with the production?

Oh, well, Mr. Dodd, an artist is never satisfied.

There are always little things that must be done over again.

(Dodd) Then you don't consider the production finished?

(Koslowski) Mr. Dodd, great pictures are not made.

They are remade.

That's the picture business, Mr. Dodd.

Mr. Quintain, what would you advise?

It's a turkey. I'd advise you not to spend another dime on it.

We better junk it and forget it.

I told these two from the beginning it was a dud.

You drunken pig!

Mr. Dodd, all through production he was like this:

I was what?

Thelma, tell Mr. Dodd this is true what I'm saying.

Well, why don't you answer?

All right, I will.

It's true, I begged him all through production

to stay sober and to help us.

We might have avoided retakes, if--

(sighs)

Have you anything to say, Mr. Quintain?

You heard what the lady said.

Mr. Quintain,

your intoxication at a time when the success of Colossal

depended on this picture is unpardonable.

You place me in a most unpleasant position.

Oh, but this is so unnecessary.

There's no alternative.

(gasps)

Mr, Dodd, you just took sole charge of a studio.

(intercom buzzing)

- (door closes) - Oh, Miss Plum.

I recall your having mentioned a procedure

by which we might gauge the merits of Sex and Satan.

My first guess is that you mean a preview.

An advanced showing,

at which cards are passed among the spectators

upon which they note their reactions.

Sure, try it on the dog.

If he doesn't bite you, you're in.

Precisely.

(sighs)

You hate me, don't you? Go on, say it. I deserve it.

I deserve every rotten thing you can say to me.

But Doug, if you only knew what staying on top means to me--

I do now.

Oh, I must have been crazy.

But, seeing everything crack up...

everything I'd hocked my soul to get, Doug...

I was afraid.

You hocked your soul?

Look, I'm the guy that dragged you out from behind

a cigarette tray and put you up on a billboard.

The chump that shoved you down an unsuspecting public's throat.

Made you the biggest star in the business,

until they got wise to the fact that your hips

were doing the acting and not your face.

And then when you thought you were slipping, you got

yourself engaged to that termite Koslofski'

because you figured he could do more for you than I could.

Even that didn't cure me.

Koslofski was a bust, so you came crawling back to me,

promising you'd air him if I gave you another chance.

And I fell for it.

But the whole thing's so rotten, it makes me wretch.

Oh, but it's not your fault, girlie.

It's mine.

Yeah, mine for putting a dumb little small-town dame

in a spot where a million fans treated her like royalty.

(laughing) I made you an applause addict.

I had no right to expect you to kick over a habit like that.

Oh, Doug, please. I can't stand this.

I know exactly how you feel, babe.

For months I've been holding still for every dirty rap

you wanted to hang on me,

conning myself what a guy I am'

ducking a real honest look at my kisser until today

you made me look.

You know, they've got a name for guys who peddle

shopworn merchandise to the suckers.

Oh, Doug! How could you say those things about yourself?

Everybody else is saying them, why rule me out?

I ought to take poison, but that would give you

too much publicity. I've got a better way.

Oh, Doug, no, no. I'm not worth it.

I've done enough to you already.

You'll never get another job again if you start drinking!

You'll end up in a straitjacket!

Why not? You'll forget better that way.

(Cheri crying)

(Cheri) Oh, no, Doug. Doug!

- (crying) What about me? - You?

Next time, rattle before you strike.

(Cheri crying)

(Plum) "What actor or actress do you like the most?

"The gorilla."

"Did you like the story? What story?"

215 cards, and all of them

like the gorilla better than your girlfriend.

Uh, Miss Plum, the lady to whom you refer as "my girlfriend"

is merely a business associate.

The way they hissed your "business associate",

I thought the theater was full of cobras.

Yes, it was a horrible experience.

Well, don't take it too hard, sonny boy.

Miss Plum.

I'm afraid this is the end of Colossal.

Do you mean you're gonna sell? To Nassau?

I see no alternative.

Atterbury, do you know what you're saying?

Why, Miss Plum.

Your sympathetic attitude proves to me that you are

not only a loyal employee, you are also,

if you will permit the liberty, a close, personal friend.

The prospect of humbling myself before the Pettypackers--

Why, you egotistical adding machine.

What do I care how you humble yourself?

I'm thinking of the people who'll go out on their ear

if you close this studio.

Pop Jones at the commissary, Miss Cooley up in the wardrobe.

Carpenters, prop men, electricians.

Three thousand people that you call units.

Units who happen to have homes and families

and kids and rent to pay and doctor bills--

- Miss Plum, please! - Go ahead and sell the studio!

But remember this when you're sitting at your

highly polished desk in New York emptying ashtrays,

that those thousands of people you threw out of work will be

walking the streets, humbling themselves

to the grocer and butcher, hungry because of you!

Miss Plum, (stammering) you're hysterical.

Sure I am, because I'm one of those units!

You're not a unit! Y--

You're-- y-- you're different' Miss Plum.

No, I'm not different.

And from now on, I'm not even a loyal employee

nor a close, personal friend.

(Dodd) Miss Plum.

Under the circumstances, what else can I do?

Nothing. You fired Quintain, the one man who might have

been able to do something.

Hello? Get me Mr. Quintain's residence.

(sobbing)

(Dodd) Hello, I want to speak with Mr. Quintain.

Oh. Where can I locate him?

Well, hasn't he some,.. favorite haunt?

Oh. Mr. Quintain, him haunting Trocadero

for two days.

Thank you.

♪♪

Oh, no you don't. You ain't getting in here again.

Aside, my friend.

I stand on my constitutional rights.

Go away, or you'll be sitting on them!

You know, you are the most consistently irritating...

okay, sugar, it's a deadlock.

(chuckling)

Mr. Quintain.

- Ah, Mr, Dodd, - I've got to speak to you.

I claim the privilege of buying you a little drink.

Oh, no, no. No, really, I've got to speak to you.

(slurring) Over a little drink, my friend.

Then I shall be forced to render you helpless.

(clattering)

- Drive on, - (engine revving)

Mr. Quintain, doesn't the fate of 3,000 people

mean anything to you?

Only the fate of one people means anything to me.

And she's a little skunk.

- Now, look here-- - Aw, leave me alone.

- But, Mr. Quintain, you-- - Sic 'em, baby, sic 'em.

(clattering)

Ah, now that's the first reasonable argument

you've presented.

(engine revving)

Feeling better?

Yeah, lots better.

Ah, but what's the use of talking?

Even if I could fix the picture,

Cheri'd have to okay the cutting.

Then I shall deprive her of that power.

(scoffs)

Throw away your dream book.

Mr. Quintain, there is a clause in every star player's contract.

Quote: "If the artist commits any act which will prejudice

"the public against the motion picture industry

"by doing anything which may bring her into public hatred,

"contempt, scorn or ridicule'

"the contract is then breached," Unquote.

So what?

So I shall involve her in a scandal.

(laughing)

Say, that's not so funny at that. She'll let 'ya.

I'm sure she will.

I've always had the impression that Miss Cheri

is inclined to make advances.

(snaps fingers) Hey, Dodd, you hit something.

Watching Cheri out of the picture business

is the answer for both of us.

(door opening)

Well, wish me luck.

Dodd, I've got an angle from these preview cards.

I got a hunch.

I-- I hope my endeavors won't be wasted.

You realize that this makes you

a libertine and a charlatan, don't you?

Yes, I'm fully aware of that.

And I'm quite willing to make the sacrifice.

Wait a minute, You're not the only one

that's making the sacrifice.

I still love that dame.

I wish I knew why.

Well.

♪♪

(cork popping)

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

(flashbulbs popping)

♪♪

(groaning)

(electric razor whirring)

(sobbing)

But, Mr. Nassau.

(stammering) This is a question of good faith.

Here I've called this special meeting of my board.

I've fought with them.

I've persuaded them to accept your offer for Colossal.

And now...

I-- I don't know how I'm going to explain

your change in attitude to them.

That's regrettable, Mr. Pettypacker,

but I'm in a meeting right now with my own board.

Your Mr, Dodd has destroyed Colossal's greatest asset,

Miss Cheri.

Oh, further negotiations are impossible.

I'm sorry, Mr. Pettypacker.

Uh, wait, Mr. Nassau.

Now, suppose I told you that my board has authorized me

to fire Dodd, close the payroll, and turn the plant over to you?

Colossal is still a fine property, Mr. Nassau.

And I am talking immediate delivery.

Frankly, Mr. Pettypacker, we've made up our minds, but...

uh, hang on, I'll make one last effort.

The first race!

(announcer) ...down the stretch, Me Oh My and Capstan

neck and neck, Mammy third and High Life closing up fast.

They're in, and it's a photographic finish.

What a race--

You win, Mr. Pettypacker.

All right. Our attorneys in New York can handle that.

Oh, you're a lucky man.

So long.

(snaps fingers) Signed, sealed and delivered.

Oh, I'd love to see Atterbury Dodd's face

long about now.

- Me too. - (both laughing)

(typewriter clacking)

- (humming) - (typewriter clacking)

- (humming) - (telephone ringing)

(telephone ringing)

(clicking noise from phone)

(operator) Wait a minute, will you?

(clicking noise continues)

Hello? Hello, send me a page boy, please.

(humming)

(receiver bangs on desk)

- (telephone ringing) - Oh...

Hello? Dodd speaking.

(Fowler) I know it's Dodd speaking.

We've sold out to Nassau, You're fired!

(line clicks)

(knocking)

Come in.

- You sent for me, sir? - (Dodd) Yes.

Please deliver this note to Miss Cheri's dressing room.

(page boy) Yes, sir.

(door closes)

So you didn't have time to say it all to her last night?

And it won't keep 'til tonight, is that it?

Miss Plum, I have been dismissed.

Oh, you're breaking my heart.

After four years with Pettypacker and Sons.

Look, this is a closing check.

I've been dismissed too, along with 3,000 others,

in case you're interested.

And I should break out in a hot sweat because

you lost your job.

You sold out your stockholders

and you crossed up your employees.

What I did was for the good of my company.

What you did was shoot the works!

And for what?

(door shuts)

(door opens)

Hi, Dodd. You put up a great battle.

You mind if I get the results?

The office is yours now' Mr. Nassau.

I admire your attitude.

No hard feelings. You have a lot of virtues I admire.

♪♪

Have I, Mr. Nassau?

Atterbury, you're a brilliant man.

What difference does it make which side you're on

as long as you win?

I'll give you a job right now at $75,000 a year,

- and a handshake, - (announcer) News flash.

The sit-downers in the Prism Steel strike have defied

all attempts to oust them for 48 hours.

Stay tuned to this station for further details.

- We now return you,.. - Well, that's more

than the Pettypackers ever paid you.

♪♪

Much more, Mr. Nassau.

(laughing)

- An even dozen, I think, - Huh?

(laughing) Oh, oh yes. Well, think it over.

Thanks, I will.

Excuse me, Mr. Nassau.

(Nassau) Take as much time as you want to.

I have nothing to do but wait for the eighth race at Hialeah.

(announcer) And here we are now at Hialeah,

and its typical Florida weather.

Great weather for a great race, and that's just what it

promises to be here.

(man) An 18 karat, full-jeweled heel.

How you doin', Rattlebury?

(laughing)

Hello.

(sighs) A nice day.

You say it's a nice day, well, I say it ain't.

It's a rotten day for all of us.

I'm sorry. Dreadfully sorry about your jobs.

Alright, alright, beat it, stuffed shirt.

You're rattlehole, Rattlebury.

(laughing)

(projector whirring)

That's the dirtiest double-cross ever pulled on a woman!

If you think that's a double-cross,

here, get a load of a triple-cross!

(projector whirring)

So what?

You know where that luscious close-up is going?

Right in the can.

And here's what takes its place.

(projector whirring)

You're cutting me out of the picture!

Not out, baby, just down to a whisper.

Instead of you chasing Sir Geoffrey'

the gorilla's gonna chase you.

And you'd be surprised how much sense that makes!

Oh, Doug, no matter what I've done to you--

Baby, it'll make a picture out of this celluloid garbage.

- (gasps) - And it's the only way

to make a good woman out of a very bad actress.

You've ruined my career!

All right, I've got another career for you

when you come out of that fog.

(gasping)

Here, that'll give you a rough idea.

That one's on me.

Sweetheart, I pulled a rabbit out of a hat.

All we need now to make it a real smasheroo are

a few added shots of the gorilla.

Here, I've made a list of the sets.

You better okay them so the art department can start building.

Mr. Quintain, I have just been dismissed.

- You? Fired? - Everyone.

The studio's been sold to Nassau.

Well, how do you like that?

All this work for...

...when we were that close.

A couple of more days and we would've been in the bag.

Mr. Quintain,

Assuming you had those 48 hours, what else would you need?

Nothing except those guys out there,

and we got the gorilla on the lot.

No, but.,. what difference does it make?

The difference in the lives of those people.

Mr. Quintain, you can have those 48 hours.

And that manpower.

(snaps fingers) Just like that?

Just like that, If those gates are locked,

then Nassau is prevented from taking over the studio.

Yeah, but you can't do that if he's on the lot.

There are 3,000 other people on this lot who might

resent his presence here.

You're talking about 20 years in the can.

That's unlawful possession.

But Colossal must be saved for those people.

Hey!

Whatever became of that Atterbury Dodd that used

to call those guys units and cogs in the machine?

Well, (stammering) I must admit to a certain

modification of viewpoint.

And that 20-year rap doesn't matter?

It seems to me that the only thing that really matters

is that a man be true to himself.

I mean, for instance, if it's an essential part of his

nature to be clean, then he should bathe.

If he dislikes chicanery, he must be straightforward.

Not for hope of reward or fear of punishment,

but because that's the kind of a man that he is.

It's not a question of who's right or who's wrong,

it's simply a question of what's inside a person.

(chuckles) Does that make any sense to you?

How much did he offer you?

Seventy-five Th-- How did you guess?

(laughing)

Sweetheart, I'll split that 20 years with you. Move over.

But don't forget that in Hollywood when you

turn the other cheek, they kick it.

Mr. Quintain,

would you mind very much if I called you by your first name?

I'd like nothing better.

Thank you, Douglas.

Carry on, Joan of Arc.

♪♪

Miss Plum, we've gotta stop them.

Gentlemen!

Fellow workers.

Fellow workers, I must talk to you.

You've got to listen to me.

I must talk to you!

Stop!

Out of the way, white collar.

I command you, stop!

♪♪

(thumping)

♪♪

Give me the key.

Now, you've got to listen to me.

(crowd jeering and laughing)

I don't mind being a target if you'll just listen to me.

Hey, you look like a Spanish omelette!

(laughing)

Wait a minute, wait a minute, Let him talk.

Make it fast, and make it good.

Hey, slip 'em the nifty

about the rhythm of the salmon and the leap of the dance!

(laughing)

Listen, I was discharged this morning, too.

(crowd jeering)

Quiet, pipe down! Give him a chance to talk!

Hey, tell 'em the one about

mathematics is more important to life than meat and drink!

(laughing)

Anybody else who wanna listen?

All right, guy.

You regard me as your enemy, don't you?

I'm capital and you're labor,

that's the way you see it, isn't it?

Well, it isn't as simple as all that.

Let me tell you who our stockholders are.

Ah, don't fall for it, suckers. It's bank night!

(laughing)

Is there anyone here who owns any Colossal stock?

- I have a few shares. - Come here.

Here you are, men, There's your capitalist.

And there's a streetcar conductor in Denver'

a bricklayer in Chicago, a soldier's widow in Memphis,

30,000 of them. Their savings built this plant.

And what's happening now?

A small group of financial tricksters,

headed by Ivor Nassau, is trying to close it.

Well, the stockholders can't afford to see it closed'

any more than we can.

There's no trouble here that a good picture won't cure.

Mr. Quintain tells me that we can have (stammering)

a smasheroo in Sex and Satan if we can only finish it.

We can expose Nassau, we can save the studio and our jobs.

So I'm asking you for 48 hours, work.

I have no money to pay for those 48 hours,

but I pledge you my word--

(Potts singing)

(crowd jeering)

(man) Quiet! Quiet.

I know I'm doing this very badly, but...

won't you please try and understand?

Because it's vitally important to us all.

Do as I ask, and I pledge you my word

that I will convince the stockholders that we are

entitled to an interest in this business that we have saved.

Let's not sit down, let's stand up and fight!

Yeah, but can we hold on?

Nassau'll have the law on us!

Of course he will.

(chuckles) But there's 3,000 of us,

we won't let the law in!

Ah, skip the speeches and let's go home!

(laughing)

Now, Mr. Quintain needs carpenters, electricians.

All of us, including the gorilla, for 48 hours.

What do you say, gentlemen?

What do you say, juicers?

(cheering)

How 'bout it, grips?

(cheering)

- We're with you. - I own the gorilla.

The gorilla says yes!

(cheering)

We'll show them a real fight!

(Potts singing)

(crowd jeering)

Mr. Potts, in my youth I learned an axiom,

that a straight line is the shortest distance

between two points.

(laughing)

Come on, come on!

(indistinct conversations)

I must have slipped!

- (laughing) - Thank you. Thank you.

Excuse me just one moment.

(cheering)

(laughing)

(announcer) At the half, Cream Puff

and Hula Girl neck-and-neck. Boy, what a race,

they're coming down the stretch now, Cream Puff is in the lead,

look at that Cream Puff, and it's Cream Puff by two lengths,

Hula Girl second, and Spyglass third.

Stand by, I'll have the prices for you in a moment.

- And what a race... - Mr. Nassau,

(announcer) You should have been here.

- (radio clicks off) - You offered me a position.

Sure, Dodd. I think you're intelligent.

And I need intelligent men in my organization.

That's a deliberate falsehood, Mr. Nassau'

you think I'm stupid.

Too stupid to know this is a bribe.

A bribe? (laughing) For what?

To prevent my dissolving this sale, Mr. Nassau,

and to avoid an investigation at which

I intend to charge you with conspiracy.

- Why, you... (chuckling) - If you please, sir.

What is this, Dodd?

Archimedes, Law of Leverage, Mr. Nassau,

or, colloquially known as "jujitsu".

Gentlemen?

I give you Ivor Nassau.

(cheering)

No, no, no, no. No, no!

Heave!

(cheering)

(cheering continues)

It was me that threw that tomato at you.

I'm awfully sorry.

Oh, don't mention it.

(Koslowski) Dodds! My friend!

Congratulations!

Have you another tomato?

Oh, sure.

Thanks.

(laughing)

A bullseye.

Yes, indeed.

Oh, Mr. Dodd, you were wonderful.

Thank you, Miss Plum.

Miss Plum, take a telegram.

"Messrs, Pettypacker and Sons,

"Wall Street, New York City.

"This will advise you, that for failure to deliver to buyer'

"you still own this business.

"Have checked all items carefully..."

Miss Plum, uh, if you please.

M-- Miss Plum, w-- will you marry me?

(gasps)

(chuckles) What, no buildup?

(chuckles) That's the picture business.

(sighs) Um...

where were we, Miss Plum?

"Have checked all items, carefully."

Yes, uh, carefully.

"Stop."

(clears throat)

"Enormous profits are..."

- (ashtray clattering) - "in the bag..."

(chuckling)

"for Colossal this year."

(ashtray clattering)

(clears throat) Hello?

Uh, send a truck to Mr. Koslofski's residence

to pick up various furnishings

belonging to the property department.

(clears throat) Mr. Quintain, please.

Douglas? We are now in business.

Say, honey, if you could cook, I'd marry you.

Precisely.

"We'll outline plans for future operations

"when we meet at the, uh,

"investigation which I propose to demand

"on behalf of the stockholders."

♪♪

Why, Miss Plum.

You...

I'm sure we're going to be very happy'

Miss Plum.

♪♪