Original subtitles

[MUSIC PLAYING]

MAN: --due to shrinking enrollments

in sections 4 and 5.

Moving along, I would like to congratulate Dick McCarthy

on his very thought provoking article

on the image of heat lightning as used

in "The Scarlet Letter."

Wake up, Bob!

MAN: Dick's article reminded me of work I did at Hopkins--

that was during the Stone Age, of course--

on images of hail and freezing rain in "King Lear."

I remember the article.

Oh god, I'm going to throw up.

Mr. Fine, uh, do you have something to say?

I said I was going to go up to the library and--

and find that article.

MAN: An excellent idea, Mr. fine.

I'm sure you'll enjoy the library.

To conclude, we had hoped to open

two more tenured positions, but only one will be possible.

Both Mr. Fine and Mr. McCarthy have

been with us for four years, and both are qualified for tenure.

I don't take bribes

Oh, certainly not.

What should I gain by the exaction of this forfeiture?

A pound of man's flesh taken from a man

who is not so estimable, profitable neither,

as what, Mr. Fine?

As the flesh of muttons, beefs, or goats.

I say to buy this favor, I extend this friendship.

MAN: Bravo, Mr. Fine.

Bravo.

How the hell did you know that quote?

Oh, my father's in the dress business.

I always liked "The Merchant of Venice."

[HONKING]

[SCREAM]

[MUSIC - "JINGLE BELLS"]

We have a freight entrance, sir.

H, where's Jay Oenstein?

He's expecting you.

You kidding?

Jack Fine, Fine Fashions.

You must be new here, eh?

All the girls know me. Here, here.

Take a pen.

I don't need a pen.

Oh, shit.

Mr. Augustine!

Whew!

Hi.

Hello.

They ought to be ashamed, some of this crap.

It's $180.

Where's it made?

Thailand.

Thailand.

That's slave labor, sweetheart.

Here, here, look.

Here.

[RIP]

Oh my god.

Ha ha. now love.

You look like a mature woman.

You mind if I use a mature word?

This is what we call real cheap shit.

Even tastes like shit.

I can't believe it.

I mean, they don't even feed the schmucks.

How are they supposed to sew a dress?

Now here-- real American know-how.

Wool knits-- what are you, about an eight?

Sweet man--

12.

12, huh?

Solid.

Here, I got a beautiful 12 here.

Goes for $79.95 retail.

If you like it, you can have it for $30, cash.

You work here?

Come on, try it in the back.

Come on to the dressing room.

Jack?

Jay!

Jay, you look wonderful!

What is this, Jack?

Running around in my department with these dresses?

What the hell do you think this, Delancy Street?

No, these are the wool knits I was telling you about.

They just came in.

Forget it.

I told you on the phone it's too late.

Jay, we had production problems.

Yeah, that is your problem, not mine.

Now come on.

Get them the hell out of here. - Jay, you and I go back, right?

We're a little shaky now.

We need this order.

Jack, you've been shaky for 20 years.

You'll survive.

Now beat it.

Jay!

Jack, I swear, I'll call security.

All right, all right, so goddamn high hat!

I remember you were a little pischer.

Worked for Murray.

Worked for Murray!

Goodbye, Jack.

JACK: Oh-- WOMAN: [SCREAM]

Excuse me. I--

WOMAN: [GASP]

Ma'am.

[LAUGHTER]

[SCREAM]

Uh, does it fit?

Get out!

Do you like first?

Get out!

Are you crazy?

All right!

What are you doing here?

Well, I-- well, I thought I had a sale.

here, here.

Here's a pen.

ah, yeah.

I Can't believe what's happening!

We're going to eat those goddamn wool knits.

I was kicked out of Bloomingdale's!

A disaster.

100, 150 grand.

Jack!

What do you think?

Kill the lace.

With or without?

Too simple without.

It stinks both ways.

Uh, maybe feathers.

Feathers?

Then it's a $40 dress.

I can't sell $20 dresses.

What the hell am I going to do with a $40 dress?

We're dying, here!

Ah, it's a cycle.

Ah, cycle my ass.

I was thrown out of Bergdoff's today.

You imagine such a thing?

Jack Fine thrown out of Bergdoff's?

Used to be, come on, Jack.

Sit down, Jack.

Have some coffee, Jack.

Now-- god damn wool knits.

Don't ask.

I'm asking.

What do we owe?

Give me a rough.

$243,000, Jack.

Is that rough enough?

What do we got coming in?

$1,800.

SECRETARY: Jack, to the show room please.

$1,800.

Oh boss?

JACK: Hey, hey, hey.

Vicki!

Jack.

Vicki, baby.

My favorite man.

You must be taking gorgeous pills I can't stand it.

I might do something filthy right here.

Oh, I'd love it!

How are my friend at Fleeman Brothers--

Oh, we're doing fabulous.

And you, Jack.

I heard there was trouble.

Only trouble is I can't ship fast enough.

Here, take huh?

Comes in peach, guava.

I'm at the Blake this time.

The Blake?

Ha ha ha.

I thought that place was condemned.

These dresses ought to be condemned.

Cute, cute, you miserable--

hey, here, here, right here.

Comes at midnight and ivory.

If you like it, let me know cause

I gotta call the warehouse and have them save you a couple.

VICKI: You know I'd take your whole line, jack--

your whole line right down to the bottom.

Vicki, baby.

I can get pornies in my hotel room--

you know, right on the TV.

Then we can talk dresses.

Around 8 o'clock?

Around anything you want.

SECRETARY: Jack?

Telephone.

Ah, Vicki, baby.

8 o'clock.

Is she from Fleeman Brothers?

Yeah.

Forget it.

They're going under.

What?

Their credit stinks.

It's iffy.

Iffy?

You mean I got to hump her for nothing?

It's your problem.

Jack, I got some beautiful denim.

Get lost, Sam.

Will you?

Bye, everybody.

Hello.

Yeah.

You're kidding.

What, now?

Where is he?

Oh, of course I'll be there.

What am I going to say, no?

Yeah.

Mr. Eddie.

Jesus Christ.

of all the half-assed places to meet somebody, I--

hey, is Mr. Eddie ready here?

No, no, no, he's due any minute.

That's why I'm going.

Yeah, you're smart.

Couldn't have picked a restaurant?

Oh boy.

Eddie?

[SHOUTS]

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Eddie?

What?

Eddie?

It's Jack Fine!

You wanted to see me.

Money, money.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

I said to myself, I bet Eddie wants

to see me about that loan.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Hey, that-- that looks real good for you.

Huh, Eddie?

Couple of guys whacking the shit out you?

Relieves a lot of tension, I bet, huh?

Where's the money?

Uh, uh, that's what I like about you.

No small talk, no bullshit.

Right to the point, huh?

I want my money.

Sure you do.

Hey, Eddie, it's your money.

I don't blame you. i mean, business is business, right?

Steam!

ATTENDANT: Steam!

I owe you what, 150 grand?

A million five.

Million five?

A million five?

That much already?

You charge some interest, huh?

You don't have it.

A million five-- well, I mean, not on me.

I take the business.

Oh, Eddie.

Eddie, give me a break, will you?

Easy!

Easy with the crease, Charlie!

Eddie, listen!

Eddie, give me-- give-- give me another month, huh?

All right, all right, a couple of weeks.

The business is mine.

Oh, Jesus.

Geesh, Eddie, you sure are built, huh?

And your kid comes in with us?

What?

You heard me!

Oh, Eddie, you got to be kidding!

New blood.

He's in.

JACK: Eddie, my kid's a professor.

He don't know anything about dresses.

Leave him out of it.

EDDIE: Relax.

The boys are getting him today.

Today?

Eddie, this is nuts.

You can't just take my kid like that.

No?

Oh, Eddie, come on.

Have a heart, will you?

You got to leave my kid out of this now.

I mean, he'll never forgive me, Eddie.

Hey, Eddie!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

SINGERS: --with your whistle, Robin come.

When we hear the fife and drum, do

do do do do, pata-pata-pan, when we hear the fife and drum,

Christmas should be frolicsome.

MAN: I thought I'd make a few introductory remarks

welcoming Sir Alec.

Then we could proceed directly to the chilled grapefruit.

I think that's a great idea, sir.

Have you heard from Bob Fine?

Yes.

Plane landed 10 minutes ago, and they're on their way.

Hard to believe, isn't it, sir?

Ah, marvelous day for all of us having a giant like Sir Alec

here at Chipenangle.

So I stood at the window nude holing myself.

You know.

Well, I-- I don't think I do.

And I said, civilization and its discontents--

rubbish.

And so that's how a great poem was written.

Amazing.

Same car.

Oh, why don't we whip this guy already, huh?

Well, I'd say the cafeteria staff

has done an absolutely marvelous job.

Splendid, sir.

[HONKING]

Has to be students.

Oh god!

Must be upper classman, I would think.

BOBBY: Come on, Sir Alec!

A marvelous come.

Hey!

Oh the students.

So spirited!

Perhaps professors MacDonald and Levin--

Mr. Fine!

It's an honor for me to present Sir Alec Whitby.

Lovely boy.

[DOOR SLAMMING]

Where's the body?

Sister, that was such a lovely--

Sorry, sister.

Hey, have you got my paper?

Hi, Mr. Fine.

We're friends of your father's.

HOST (TV): Aren't you nice?

From that applause, you're not local, are you?

They don't usually give it to me.

Are you out of towners?

Oh, how I love this time of year.

Raise your hand.

Which one from out of towners?

I--

[CLICK]

Bobby!

Hello, Dad.

Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Why shouldn't we be OK?

What are we, brutes?

I didn't mean anything.

[STAMMERS]

Eddie, tonight.

Eddie tonight what?

The big guy.

He wants to meet the kid.

BOBBY: He wants to meet me tonight.

At his place.

1:30.

Perhaps it could wait.

Eddie waits for no man.

Look, Bobby.

Words cannot begin to describe this day.

How's the sandwich?

It's all right.

Bobby, I want you to understand.

The most famous poet in the world.

The most famous, and I was chosen to drive him.

Well, he must like you up there at the college, eh?

They did.

They thought I had a lot of potential

until those two goons came along and dragged me out of there.

Now they have no idea where I am.

Well, call up and tell them.

Tell them what?

That I got kidnapped by gangsters?

Bobby, we-- we had a year you won't believe.

I mean, Eddie took over.

Who-- who is this Eddie?

Don't ask.

And what's he expect me to do?

Join the business?

Doesn't he comprehend the fact that I know absolutely nothing,

nothing, about dresses?

I told him!

I told him that very thing.

And that I have a career of my own?

Did you tell him that?

And that I'm up for tenure?

Bobby, Bobby, you don't understand.

He'll-- he'll kill me.

Yeah, what?

Kill you in a business sense?

[SHEESH]

You mean those--

those guys?

They'd actually kill you?

Physically kill you?

They'll kill me then go out for pizza.

They don't give a shit!

You're taking my breath away.

Dad, I had no idea things were so bad.

Oh, Bobby, you know me.

I never wanted to burden you with my crap.

And, well-- eh, this is bad.

You got a lot of tension in your neck.

Tension?

Heh, I want to hang myself.

No, wait a minute.

Let me think.

I can tell him that there's a family emergency.

Then we have the Christmas recess, then this intercession.

I could put four or five weeks together.

You think there'd be enough?

Oh, Bobby, you're a fabulous kid.

Yeah, well, I just don't want you hurt.

And who knows?

Maybe it'll be an interesting experience.

You look fabulous.

Thanks, Jeffrey, you look great.

Did you see Steven's window at Saks?

Nothing but fags here.

Come on, Dad.

I'm not prejudiced.

It is just an observation.

Look at this shit, huh?

Is that him?

JACK: Yeah, that's him.

BOBBY: Who's the woman?

She's very attractive.

JACK: That's his wife.

That's his wife?

You're kidding.

Bet you don't see things like this up in that college, eh?

Hey, you are gorgeous-o, you know that?

Unique-o, really especiali-da!

Leave me alone, imbecile, imbecile.

Woo, the lady speaks!

I can respect that!

Hey, just for my curiosity here, where'd you pick up

tiny, Ringling Brothers?

Eddie?

Eddie, darling.

That-- uh, that's a gift from my mother.

He's an animal.

You could say that.

Ready to talk to him?

He's just a big jealous pussycat.

What do I say?

Small talk-- how much you're looking

forward to be the business.

You know-- blah, blah, blah, blah.

But don't be a putz.

Don't start with the "Canterbury Tales" or whatever.

This guy don't know shit--

guns and throwing.

I'm scared out of my mind.

Good.

Eddie!

Ha ha.

Jack.

Oh, this is my son Bobby.

Bobby, this is Mr. Eddie and his wife Lira.

Jack Fine, makes dresses.

Ah.

[SNAP]

Drinks.

Hello.

Hello.

Are you really Eddie's wife?

LIRA: Si.

And you are a professor, yeah?

Uh Eddie?

Bobby-- Bobby's just dying to get into the business.

Sit down.

Oh, very sweet of you.

Bobby?

Bobby?

Eddie asked us to join him.

I noticed that you had a little, uh, fracas here.

I'm having shark.

You want some?

No, no, you misunderstand.

I-- I didn't say fricasse.

I said fracas here.

You know, like an argument.

Fucking-- what are you doing?

getting into semantics with Mr. Eddie?

Eddie, that's a-- that's a beautiful suit

you got on there.

Yeah, Christ Velour.

Oh, I know it's Christ Velour.

I mean, that's my line, Christ Velour.

Isn't that beautiful, Bobby?

The suit?

It's great.

LIRA: He pick it out himself.

Hey, you speak very good English, huh?

She dance good.

We noticed.

You too, Eddie.

Hey, hey, you're some dancer.

Yeah, where'd you learn that disco?

Heh.

You know, I-- I could never do that.

Yeah, my-- my son maybe.

Maybe my son Bobby could do it.

No, I-- I don't, uh, dance.

No?

Dance?

Yeah, yeah.

Listen, you two have a lot of fun because Bobby

and I have to go.

Got a big day tomorrow.

Got to introduce him to the business.

Yeah.

You do good, huh?

Ah!

Thanks for the encouragement.

Eddie, uh, we'll-- we'll talk, huh?

[ROMANTIC MUSIC]

I fuck around.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC]

[HONKING]

JACK: Some of you may remember when he used to come here

as a little snot-nosed kid.

But now he's come here to--

I got some beautiful cotton her.e

Not now, Sam.

Bye, everybody.

But now he's come here to help his old man out

in a time of need, so to speak.

My son Bobby Fine.

Thanks, Dad, and-- and thanks to all of you

for welcoming me here today.

As you probably already know, I'm pretty much of a greenhorn

in this business.

My primary interests have been in the field

of American literature--

Hawthorne and Melville and some of the transcendental writings.

Bobby--

Nevertheless, I'm going to do everything I can to help my dad

and Fine Fashions get back on its feet.

I'm going to go amongst you today and absorb and learn,

much in the tradition of Shakespeare's "Henry

V," the royal captain of this ruined band

walk from to watch, from tent to tent,

that every wretch, pining and pale before, beholding him,

plucks comfort from his looks.

Do you believe this putz?

Can I try?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

SINGER: (SINGING) Look for the union label when you were--

Adjustable sleeve, orange and burgundy.

Why don't you give us a hand, Bob?

This is you, ladies.

SINGER: Our union sew it.

Our wages going to feed the kids and run the house we work on.

But who's complaining?

Thanks to the ILG, we're paying our way,

so always look for the union label.

It says we're able to make it in the USA.

No, gracias.

Well, I think he's cute.

He's a schmuck.

I feel bad for Jack.

I'm sure he wishes I were his son.

Ah.

So?

So I think I did pretty well today, all things considered.

Yeah, the salesmen hate your guts.

Why?

JACK: They think you're a snob.

That's absurd.

JACK: You got to be one of them, Bobby.

You got to be a mensch.

Talk about what they want to talk about--

going to the races, get laid.

Dad!

Dave said you didn't even play the football pool.

I don't follow football!

Well, that's not the point, Bobby.

Everybody plays a football pool around here.

It's a way of life.

I'll play the pool.

What else?

Well, you're a klutz.

That I can't help.

JACK: Just make an effort.

That's all I ask, huh?

OK, OK.

What time are you coming home?

Eh, 9:00, 9:30.

I got some phone calls to make, a few hours to go over.

Look, why don't you go to the movies?

Relax. here.

I got money.

This isn't that goddamn cow town of yours, you know.

Dad, I grew up here.

Well, it's changed.

I'll manage.

I'll see you later.

Be careful on the subway now.

Jack!

Come on.

Let's get a cab.

LIRA: Mr Fine!

Bobby Fine!

Buona sera.

How are you?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Well, I had an interesting first day.

Quite a business.

I don't know if your husband ever talks about it.

Daddy.

Get in?

Yes, get him.

We have a dinner, caro.

Where is your husband?

Oh, my husband.

Come.

I don't--

Curtains.

Leno, a casa.

Si, senora, a casa.

A casa, that--

that means home, doesn't it?

Yes, si.

Well, speaking for myself, I'd be a lot more comfortable, uh,

in a-- in a restaurant somewhere?

Maybe out of town?

Does that come with the car?

Amazing.

It will relax you, caro.

BOBBY: At the risk of seeming overly cautious,

where is the approximate location of your husband?

Oh, my husband.

He's always working, caro.

Sometimes, he comes home at midnight,

sometime 3:00, 4:00 in the morning, and sometimes never.

Well, he's a hard worker.

Oh, he's an idiot, caro.

How do you say?

Sicko-- sickopath?

Psychopath.

Psychopath.

You, professore, you are a man.

Well, I'd like to think so.

Come in.

Buona sera.

Ciao, Silvia.

So do you like my home?

BOBBY: It's extraordinary!

It's all right?

Oh, yes.

She's my friend since before Eddie.

Caro.

Sylvia--

Eh.

Buona notte.

Was very nice to meet you.

[PINBALL SOUNDS]

Extra game.

Ha!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Does this decor reflect your taste or Eddies?

So hot here.

I'm a very unhappy woman.

You are?

You-- you and Eddie seems so happy together.

Oh, it's a masquerade.

I wanted to sing opera, caro.

But one day, my father, he came to me with a long face.

And he say that I have to marry a tall American.

You mean it was an arranged marriage.

Yes, and so I got off the plane from Rome.

And there he was, like the King Kong, huh?

BOBBY: He's a very large man.

Very large, yes.

Not a man.

Not a man?

Eddie?

No.

You-- you mean that he's--

he's homosexual?

No, no, it's not homosexual.

it's-- it's not--

al dente.

Do you understand?

No.

It's overcooked, soft, mole.

I don't think I understand.

Oh caro, the linguine just hang there, eh?

You mean he has a problem with impotence.

No, he don't have any problem.

He doesn't care.

I have a problem, caro.

Well, you shouldn't have such problems.

So help me, professore.

Help me.

[PINBALL SOUNDS]

Tilt?

BOBBY: You're sure he never comes home?

No, no.

Oh, what beautiful legs--

like a normal man!

Well, we have a swimming pool at school,

and often, not every day--

Oh, professore.

Average class has about 20 students.

Professore.

[CRASH]

Tilt?

LIRA: It's him!

Ecco!

I knew it.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

Sylvia!

Sylvia!

Sylvia!

Go, bye!

Darling.

Buona sera.

Hungry.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Thank you, Sylvia.

Doesn't he wear any pants?

Sleepy peepee.

Caro, why don't you stay here?

We listen to some music.

Darling, darling, darling, come.

We watch TV in the den, eh?

Peepee.

[CLEARS THROAT]

BOBBY: Here, I'm in the north side of the bed.

Oh, you all right, professore?

It's awfully drafty down there.

When can I leave?

[GARGLING]

Wait.

Eddie's a deep sleeper.

My father's worrying about me.

I think I'd better be going.

[WATER POURING]

Go, go, go, back.

Darling.

Oh, my sexy man, the nice shirt, huh?

EDDIE: Damn Sylvia.

Oh, poor Sylvia.

She works so hard.

[SIRENS]

Buy choo-choo stock.

My big bambino.

Hey, I got a splitting headache.

[BARKING]

Caro.

It's OK.

Jesus, it's 5 o'clock!

Come.

What?

To my bed, caro, like a man.

In your bed?

Yes.

Come, you must finish.

Are you crazy?

If you don't, I'll scream.

You'd scream?

I'll scream!

Come.

No!

Beautiful boy!

Professore.

Oh, forget him.

Oh--

Don't be shy.

Stay here.

Oh!

I thought you said he was impotent.

Huh?

You-- you said--

Ah!

--he was impotent!

No!

Ah!

Oh.

And now, professore, be a man.

BOBBY: I can't go out dressed like this!

LIRA: Hurry, hurry, hurry.

You look so nice.

You must go.

Presto, presto, presto, presto.

I can hardly breathe in these things.

Ciao, professore.

Was beautiful.

Go!

Oh, oh!

Yeah?

Money, money!

Wait.

Ciao, ciao, bye, bye, bye, bye!

Jesus.

[RIP]

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Taxi!

Taxi!

[CAR PULLING UP]

Thanks.

DRIVER: No way!

Ah, you bastard!

This has been tremendous for us this season.

Also available in ecru, lemon, and ginger snap.

One of my favorites.

I love selling it just to see the reaction.

I don't like it.

I think it's outre.

You say it's outre, it's outre.

Fine Fashions, you're the boss.

What are you giving in like that for?

Sell her a little bit.

She likes that.

You're worried about Bobby?

SECRETARY: Raymond to shipping.

Come on.

He's probably with a broad.

It's not like me.

He-- he would have called.

I ever see you at the baths?

Try my house again, Laverne.

You need a Valium.

What I need is an enema.

Jack, today, I got some beautiful plastic.

What the hell am I going to do with plastic, Sam?

For Christ sake's get lost, eh?

Bye, everybody!

Plastics.

Nobody answers.

Christ.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Oh, it's locked!

We keep it locked.

That's the law.

That's an odd law, isn't it?

Keeping a fire door locked?

There's laws against walking around bare-assed too.

Excuse me.

You're Jack Fine's boy, right?

Listen, I got--

I got to apologize.

Oh, that's OK.

I know you met a lot of new people yesterday.

I'm Dick Letterhouse of Polite Fashion.

- No, I mean-- - --Paul.

--the pants, the pants.

They're sensational!

Unbelievable!

Since when is your dad selling jeans?

Absolutely unbelievable.

Does he sell the men's or just the ladies'?

Well, these are the ladies, actually.

You're wearing the ladies?

No, no, no.

We're not really selling--

You know, I could sell out my stores in half an hour

with those.

A see through seat-- what a concept.

Who's selling these?

- Jack Fine. - Exclusive?

No, we're not.

I'll take 10,000 right now.

10,000 of these?

I'll take 20,000.

You believe I was just standing here

and this kid walks by like nothing's new?

Your father's a tricky old bastard, I'll tell you.

Well, if you'll--

if you'll just follow me--

Can these also be worn with shoes?

Oh, sure.

This is just one particular style I'm wearing.

Oh.

This is fantastic.

I heard it died in Fort Worth.

Look, you don't like my goods, get the hell out of here, eh?

Jack!

Oh, who needs this goddamn aggravation?

Oh, you're behind the times, Jack.

You're outre.

Outre, my ass.

Hey, come on!

This ain't my floor.

--Jack Fine for years.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

What the hell is this, now?

Holding out on us, Jack.

JACK: Bobby!

What a stretch.

It really works!

What are you doing in the slippers?

We've got a real phenomenon going here, dad.

Oh?

The men's jean is still in the works--

What?

Well, actually, this is the ladies jean

that I'm modeling right here.

All right.

MAN: You rascal, Jack--

sending the kid down to the lobby wearing these.

You knew we'd go nuts, right?

Well, I mean, you've got to be outre, eh?

You don't want to be ultra outre.

I know you're all anxious to get your orders in.

So if you'll just sit down and make yourselves comfortable,

Rick and Dave will be anxious to take your house.

Jack, Jack, you're giving me 20,000.

Oh, no problem!

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Listen, sit down, and I'll bring

you guys some Asian coffee.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

What the hell is going on?

We'll find out.

Talk to Sy.

Listen, order me 500 beige.

Get a hold of Sam.

I don't know where he is.

Well, don't let him leave the building.

Now listen, will you tell me what the hell is going on.

Well, it's-- it's quite remarkable.

I was in the lobby--

frantic, actually.

What do you mean? You came dressed like that?

Well, I had no choice.

Jack.

Oh my god.

- Turn around. - What happened?

Oh, must I?

Did you get mugged?

In a nice way.

All right, I want a sketch of this in a half an hour.

With-- with a see-through behind?

I want to sell a half a million by 5 o'clock.

Now get me a sketch.

Go ahead!

So you showed up dressed like this?

With slippers and ripped pants?

Dad, I really had quite a night.

Oh, I bet you did, eh?

Who was she?

Some buyer?

Eddie's wife, Lira.

Eddie's wife?

I couldn't call.

I was hiding under their bed all night.

Hiding?

From Eddie.

He came home just as we were about to get

seriously involved.

I found myself fleeing down their hallway

like some character in a farce by Moliere.

Moliere.

I stayed crouched under their bed freezing in my underwear

all night.

Finally, Eddie went to sleep.

And then Lara asked me to share their bed.

We made love.

You banged her with Eddie there?

Well, he woke up, but she pistol whipped him.

He went right out.

Oh.

Oh, Bobby, you got to be shitting me, Bobby.

She's a remarkable gal, dad.

Heh.

Laverne, bring in some Maalox, eh?

Their marriage isn't what it appears.

Who gives a shit, their marriage?

What are you, a social worker?

That Eddie'll rip your head off.

Eddie will never find out.

Yeah, well, well, you got to get out of the country--

Europe or South Amer-- or Israel.

Yeah, you got a cousin there.

Jeez.

Oh, dad, you're being so negative.

This is gonna save the business.

We'll be in great shape!

Jesus Christ, it's like a Bible story.

I got to save a dress business by killing my son.

Look, dad, I can take care of myself.

Eddie's wife?

Jeez!

Was she good at least?

Even with Eddie there.

Eh?

Heh heh.

I always loved Italians.

Jack?

You sent for me?

Sam!

Ha ha ha, come on in!

You know my suicidal son Bobby.

It's an honor to meet you.

You know how long your father and I go back?

A long time, I'll bet.

We go back a long time.

He's always been beautiful to me.

Even what he's hostile, he has a lot of warmth.

Sit down, Sam.

How's maxi?

She dropped dead.

Don't you remember?

You were at the.

Funeral

Oh, yeah.

I-- I-- I'm a little nuts today.

But you got married again, right?

That's right.

How is she, your second wife?

Passed away also.

Oh.

was-- was I at the funeral?

No, you were in Puerto Rico.

But you sent fruit.

You've had quite a run of bad luck, Mr. Schlotzman.

I consider myself a fortunate man.

I found myself a third wonderful wife.

Oh.

Heh heh heh.

How is she?

Little under the weather?

Well, I'm-- I'm sure she'll be all right.

I mean, the odds, huh?

Sure.

Sam, listen.

You said you had some plastic.

How much?

250,000 yards-- just came in from Germany.

Soft, gorgeous.

We'll take it all.

250,000 yards?

Jack, you got something hot?

Bobby, stand up.

A revolutionary new look in jeans.

Jack, you can see his ass.

Well, that's the point, Sam!

[LAUGHTER]

[THUNDER]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

SINGER: (SINGING): Don't you wanna?

Don't you wanna?

Don't you wanna?

Don't you wanna?

Don't you wanna?

Don't you wanna?

Uh.

Don't you wanna rise and shine?

Oh yeah.

Don't you want a pair like mine?

Oh yeah.

Thriller, killer, and now you got a pair, so fine,

so fine, so fine, so fine, so fine,

so fine, so fine, so fine.

Don't you wanna?

Don't you wanna?

Don't you wanna?

Don't you want to get out of line?

Don't you want to look divine?

Stare 'em, bare 'em, and now you're gonna wear 'em.

So shake 'em, break 'em, and now you're gonna make 'em.

Feel fine, so fine, so fine so fine.

So fine, so fine, so fine, so fine.

So fine, so fine, so fine, so fine.

So fine, so fine, so fine, so fine.

Oh!

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

MAN: Hey, baby.

I want to wash your windshield!

[JACKHAMMER]

SINGER: (SINGING) Don't you wanna blow their minds?

Let them get behind.

Thrill 'em, kill 'em, and now you're gonna fill 'em.

So rack 'em, stack 'em, and now you're gonna pack 'em.

So fine, so fine, so fine, so fine.

So fine.

So fine.

So fine.

so fine.

Dave will you stop hawking us already?

We're shipping them out as fast as possible.

Yeah, that's my son, the professor.

What do you want me to do?

You want me to schlep them over there myself?

You're just going to have to wait like everybody else.

MAN (PHONE): I can't wait.

And we're shipping a half a million more this week.

MAN (PHONE): Terrific.

Where are mine?

That's right.

MAN (PHONE): I've been changing--

Eh.

I can't believe what's happening here, Dave.

My whole life, right!

Dave, Dave, you're just going to have to relax, huh?

Just relax.

You'll get them.

Right, right. Ciao.

Yeah, ciao.

Hey, you're getting to be a real pro.

Well, I still feel a little uncomfortable

talking on the phone like that.

Oh, of course.

The main thing is you're making an effort.

You look so fabulous.

Look at that, Italian clothes, contact lenses.

I'm so proud of you.

Yeah.

You sure you won't reconsider?

Oh, dad, I can't.

I got a commitment to that college.

I've got students doing independent study.

Besides, there are other reasons.

Oh.

[PHONE RINGING]

She still calling?

Two or three times a day.

Last night, her car was out in front.

I had to go out the freight entrance.

I mean, I like her, and I really think she's gorgeous.

But

No, no.

You got to stay the hell away from her.

Besides, we're paying Eddie back on Friday.

No kidding!

Yeah, and it's all ours again thanks to you.

Come on.

BOBBY: It's been a unique and wonderful experience for me

having worked with you all--

the very fiber, the very backbone of Fine Fashions--

the fabulous Rick and Dave, the incomparable Sophie,

a very volatile Angel and Raymond in shipping,

a remarkable cutter, Gus Trichonopolis,

the wonderful Hy and Sy, our brilliant bookkeeper Irving

Katsman, and of course, my totally unbelievable

father, the great Jack Fine.

Aw.

It's an honor for me to call you,

as Shakespeare's "Henry V" put so aptly, we few, we happy few,

we band of brothers.

Thank you.

[APPLAUSE]

What a guy!

What a guy!

Who is this whale?

Gee.

Oh, it's her.

Man are all the same!

Pig!

[SPEAKING ITALIAN] because I'm a crazy woman!

I don't want to see you anymore.

Stupido, stupido, professore.

What do you think, I'm nothing but a puttana?

What?

You take the advantage of me, and then

we never spoke to me again.

I take advantage of you?

Are you nuts?

You dragged me into bed.

I drag you into bed?

I came from the best Italian family.

I'm a lady.

Do you know that?

I'm a lady!

Of course you are.

Please.

My father's asleep upstairs.

Why don't you answer the phone when I call you?

Because I was afraid to take those

calls because you're married to a gorilla, for Christ's sake.

Dear professore, do you like me?

Yes or not?

I've never met anyone remotely like you.

So--

So the hell with Eddie.

I'll take my chances.

LIRA: [SINGING IN ITALIAN]

Boy, I used to fuck like that.

SINGERS: (SINGING) Now is the month of May

when merry lads are playing.

Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la la la.

Now is the month of May when merry lads are playing.

Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la.

Say dainty nymphs and speak, shall we play barley break?

Fa la la la la la la la la la la la la.

Ah, careful now.

Don't want to get any goulash on that suit.

Come on, Fine, tell us.

What it cost, huh?

$1,000?

No rice, please.

I get my suits at Sears.

Sportsman's collection.

Hey, they have stuff quality.

Quality but at a price.

Course, if you've made a fortune in see through jeans,

you don't care about price.

Ah.

Mind if we join you?

Would you guys quick breaking my chops already?

Fine.

We want to hear all about it.

How come you came back?

What do you mean how come I came back?

I work here.

Couldn't have dragged me back.

All those girls, Fine.

The So Fine girls?

Must have made out like a bandit, huh?

Well, there was one amazing person.

One of those girls with her ass showing?

Oh my--

Ah!

Can't take it.

An Italian-- unbelievable woman.

Her passion, her completely unbridled lust.

Oh God almighty.

Ask her out, Fine.

The spring mixer's coming up.

It's not the kind of woman you bring to a spring mixer.

No?

No.

Rome, yes-- to Florence, to Venice, but not Chippenango.

Anyhow, she's married.

Really?

Fine!

You surprise me!

I surprise myself.

Is her husband the jealous sort?

Sort of.

Darling.

Darling.

Do you like it?

Oh.

Fine.

He's late.

Maybe it's a bad traffic.

A million and a half bucks.

So much money.

What's the good if we don't go anywhere?

Darling, this year, we take a trip.

Si?

Yeah, Vegas.

No, I want to go to Rome, to Venice, to Paris.

No more Vegas.

Vegas, then Reno.

You don't like it, tough shit.

Chippenango campus shoes.

Fine!

Ooh, cold.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What's up, boss?

Get out.

Want us to come with you?

No, alone!

Eddie?

Eddie?

Eddie, It's me, Jack Fine.

Eddie?

Fall over a stiff, I know it.

Buongiorno.

Oh, buongiorno.

Yeah, I-- well, the door was open and nobody answered.

Ah, no one is here.

I am Sylvia, the au pair girl.

Well, Sylvia?

Ah.

Sylvia, yeah, that's-- that's a nice name.

Listen, is everything all right?

I mean, I'm Jack Fine.

I was supposed to meet Eddie.

The senora left.

Yeah, I can see why he would.

In a rage, in a fury!

They had words, he and the senora.

Oh, that's too bad.

Over your son.

What?

In the potted plant, Eddie find the shoes.

It hit him in his fat head.

Holy shit!

Oh, your son is a beautiful lover to Lira.

Well, naturally, but I mean, Eddie's wife!

Why does he have to--

Now Eddie knows beyond any doubt

that your son make beautiful love to Lira.

Ah, it's out of our hands now, Senor Fine.

It's a matter of honor.

Oh, no, no, not now.

Not now not now.

Later, huh? - Oh--

My heart wouldn't be in it. Later.

No, I got to run. No.

Oh, Signore!

Signore!

Oh, a real man!

[BARKING]

MAN: don't exactly know where the campus is.

it's in-- it's in town!

EDDIE: Where's that?

MAN: Wait, wait, look.

I explained this to you about 20 times already.

What are you, some kind of ding-aling or something?

Oh, get with it!

Oh, Mister.

Mister, take it easy.

I'm sorry.

Oh, I mean, I had a long night and everything.

[BARKING]

[YELPING]

Next time, you'll be courteous.

Want coffee, Professor Fine?

All right.

I have to stay awake for the hour for the opera tonight.

I guess things must be pretty slow up here after New York.

Well, actually, I'm getting kind of used to it again.

Professore!

Professore!

Oh, caro, caro, kiss me!

Feel me!

You're here?

Yes, I came for you.

Can I get you something, ma'am?

Yes, do you have rooms here?

Excuse me?

Lira?

Rooms!

We need a room, caro.

This is a house of pancakes, ma'am!

Maybe you'd like some pancakes.

Pancake?

For dinner?

We have blueberry, which the professor

had, Dutch apple, strawberry.

He knows, caro.

Oh Christ, no.

Eddie?

Yes.

He knows that you fill me with love.

[ORCHESTRA TUNING]

And you're-- you're sure you don't know where he is.

Caro, just run.

You don't suppose he could find his way up here.

In the morning, you and I go to Venice, eh?

Venice?

Yes, Venice.

Come.

Excuse me.

Hello.

This is my friend, Lira.

Buona sera.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

"Othello!"

SINGERS: [SINGING IN ITALIAN]

Is this the Italian?

Unbelievable.

You got to be in heaven, Fine.

I may be in heaven very soon.

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

Campus?

No, it's the North Pole.

Hey asshole, you're blocking me.

Oh dear.

Hey, come on, mister!

[CRASH]

Hungry.

Uh, Mr. Fine.

Ah, there you are.

Uh, please give us a formal introduction

to your charming companion.

Oh, this is Lira.

Lira, this is Chairman Lincoln and Mrs. Lincoln.

Delighted.

Very nice to meet you.

The McCarthys you've already met.

Ah, it's my pleasure to be with people of culture

and breeding once again.

Ah.

Whom are you normally with, my dear?

Hoodlums and gangsters.

Ah ha ha ha ha.

Charming.

Bob.

Sorry.

Prego.

What?

Listen.

You got your key to the office?

I forgot mine.

My key?

What do you need my key for?

Oh, ptooey.

Come on, be a pal, hm?

All right, keep the place clean.

Don't worry.

I'm a neat worker.

[HONKING]

JACK: Hey, I'm in a hurry!

Hey, putz, fill it up with unleaded.

There ain't no unleaded!

[WHIMPERING]

Somebody have an accident?

A giant was here.

Bigger than any man!

He tore it right up!

A giant?

Was he well-dressed?

He was the best dressed giant I ever saw!

He's on his way to Chippenango College.

Shit.

Hey, be careful!

He ain't playing with a full deck.

[DOO WOP MUSIC PLAYING]

SINGER: (SINGING) Oh wee oh wee.

Oh wee oh ah, like a man.

Oh, how you tried to cut me down to size,

telling dirty lies to my friends.

But my own father said give her up, don't bother.

The world isn't coming to an end.

How you doing?

Jim Sterling, Kappa Delts.

Mind if I, uh sit down?

I, uh, bet they're recruiting you for basketball, right?

That's great because we got three of the varsity guys

with the Delts.

You'd fit right in.

Our, um, parties are always out of control.

You know what I mean?

Hi, Jim.

Hey, Carolyn.

I mean, if a girl doesn't put out,

right, she just doesn't come to our door.

Fine.

Oh, you're interested. That's great.

Hey, Scott, go get the keys to the car.

We can all go get some beers or something.

I want Fine

Who?

A teacher.

Fine.

Oh, you mean Professor Fine.

Well, I can get you in a couple of his courses.

He's a really--

Where is he?

Who?

Fine.

Look, I don't know, uh, the English department.

Where is it?

It's in the library around the corner, OK?

Hey, now you're blackballed, you jerk!

[MUSIC STOPS]

[MUSIC STARTS]

Animals.

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[COUGHING]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

Poor woman.

Is she sick?

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

Where-- where are you going?

I can sing this part, caro.

Wait here.

But I'm sure that they-- they have someone--

Take someone from the chorus.

It's impossible.

Senora?

Oh, oh, Miss Canelloni.

Don't worry.

I will sing Desdemona.

You?

Yes.

Where'd you learn that thing with the ice cubes, huh?

It was in the other side of midnight.

Shouldn't you go?

MCCARTHY: Ah, I told Betty that I hated opera

and I had some work to do.

[CHUCKLE] You got to be flexible about--

[SCREAMING]

Ah, just who the hell are you?

Stop, please!

He's an assistant professor!

I'm not Bobby Fine!

Please!

Mmph!

Look at me!

Ah!

[WIMPERING]

What is he?

I'm not sure.

[SPUTTERING]

The opera!

The opera!

He's in the theater!

Holy Christ!

[GASP]

There was a seven foot man here.

He's been everywhere.

You been assaulted, ma'am?

No, uh, Professor McCarthy and I are just good friends.

Jesus, I don't believe this.

That's why I wouldn't let my daughter go to college.

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

Extraordinary girl.

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

Program, sir?

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[BURP]

[SHUSHING]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

Fine!

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Ah!

MAN: The hell is that noise backstage?

MAN: The hell is on those ropes?

MAN: Hey!

MAN: Somebody get those ropes!

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

Interesting concept-- a kind of sudden burst of surrealism.

MALE OPERA SINGER: [VOCAL WARM-UPS]

Two minutes, Mr. DiRienzi.

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

Professor Fine in there?

I believe so.

Oh, good.

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

Lira!

Lira!

[GASP]

You were unbelievable, just unbelievable.

Oh!

Grazie, professore, he's here, yes?

Yes, backstage.

I don't know what happened.

I'm looking for Professor Fine.

Eddie's after him.

Who?

Uh, cue the entrance.

Holy shit!

[MURMURING]

Professore, professore, he's here.

Onstage?

Who the hell is that?

That's Eddie.

Stunning notion, I think, to suddenly make

him a kind of tragic giant?

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

Si!

Si!

Si!

Si!

Si!

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

Boy, huh?

That son of a bitch can sing.

Hey, that's my kid!

Your kid?

Yeah!

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

EDDIE: [SINGING IN ITALIAN]

LIRA: [SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

Help!

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

EDDIE: [SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

- [SINGING IN ITALIAN] - I tried.

- [SINGING IN ITALIAN] - [SINGING IN ITALIAN]

EDDIE: [SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

LIRA: [MUSICAL SCREAM]

Curtain!

Dad!

Ha ha!

I haven't done that in years!

Dad!

When did you get here?

About 20 minutes ago.

I drove up.

There was no traffic at all.

[MURMURING]

AUDIENCE: Bravo!

AUDIENCE: Brava!

[APPLAUSE]

A most remarkable performance.

Oh, thank you, senor Chairman.

Oh.

Thank you.

Oh, and Bob, a bit of unfortunate news.

What?

Campus security has informed me that Dick McCarthy

was in your office tonight.

No!

CHAIRMAN: Virtually nude with one of his students.

I'm flabbergasted!

I doubt it.

In any case, I have decided to award you the tenured position.

Me?

Professore.

[RADIO CHATTER]

Eddie, Mister.

Height, undetermined.

Race, Moorish?

[SPEAKING ITALIAN] Lira and Mr. Eddie,

signed Pope John Paul II.

Oh, this is the most amazing document

I've ever read in my life.

Now I can be a profressore's wife, darling.

Do you think you'd be happier up at Chippenango?

You know, the weather is really unbelievable

and, well, the food is lousy and the people are quite boring.

But we have each other, darling.

Lira, you know something?

Yes, professore?

This has been a tremendous growth experience for me.

And for me.

How long the streets been fucked up like this?

Signore?

Your son-- he has made Lira happy again.

Yeah it's so.

Mmm.

He can really make her sing.

Heh heh heh.

Jack?

Yes, Sylvia?

Make me sing too.

Ah.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

[RIP]

SINGER: (SINGING) Every time that I'm with you, oh yeah,

tell you what I'm gonna do.

Oh yeah.

I'm gonna thrill you, fill you, and I'm gonna stay until I get

you, let you, never forget you.

Feel fine, so fine, so fine, so fine.

So fine, so fine, so fine, so fine.

So fine, so fine, so fine, so fine.

So fine, so fine, so fine, so fine.

Don't you-- don't you wanna?

Don't you wanna?

Uh-huh.

Don't you wanna feel divine?

Don't you want to get out of line?

I dare you, scare you, you know I'm gonna tear you up.

Shake you, break you, and now I'm

gonna make you feel fine, so fine, so fine, so fine.

So fine, so fine, so fine, so fine.

So fine, so fine, so fine, so fine.

So fine, so fine, so fine, so fine.

I know you're gonna want when I start to flaunt.

I like to sing or something you would die for.

You never get another of my love, baby.

And now I guess I'm gonna drive you crazy.

Fine, so fine, so fine, so fine.

So fine, so fine, so fine, so fine.

Fine, so fine, so fine, so fine.

So fine, so fine, so fine, so fine.

Fine, so fine, so fine, so fine.

So fine, so fine, so fine, so fine.

And every time that I'm with you,

tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna tear you, scare you, you know I'm gonna tear you up.

Shake you, break you.

You know I'm gonna make you feel fine,

so fine, so fine, so fine.

So fine, so fine, so fine, so fine.

So fine, so fine, so fine, so fine.

So fine, so fine, so fine, so fine.

So fine, so fine, so fine, so fine.

So fine, so fine, so fine, so fine.

So fine, so fine, so fine, so fine.

So fine, so fine, so fine, so fine.

So fine, so fine.