Original subtitles

(theme music playing)

(Carrie) how well you think you know it,

there's always somewhere or someone new to discover.

I was on my second date with Ray King, who lived in Queens,

although it felt like our second, third and fourth date,

because we'd been to three jazz clubs in one night.

I can't sing for shit, but damn, can I chop.

And where does one learn this skill?

-Jersey Shore. -Is that where you're from?

Listen. This lick right here is why I wanted to play the bass.

(jazz music playing over speakers)

Man.

How about that?

Jesus, that's sweet.

Listen to that again.

(music stops then starts again)

Yeah. Yeah.

How about that?

This might be a good time to tell you...

I don't like jazz.

(groans)

Why would you say something like that?

I don't know, you can't follow it,

and there's no melody.

And it's just like aaah! It's all over the place.

Carrie, you gotta stop trying to make it be something else,

and appreciate it for what it is.

Damn, I wish I had my bass.

Come here, you be the bass.

Don't I have to be in the musician's union or something?

-(chuckles) -You play all those instruments?

"Play" is a little strong. I learn a few notes, I get bored, I move on.

Listen to the bass.

The beauty of jazz,

is that it can go anywhere.

It can go from here...

to here...

-to here... -(Carrie gasps)

(Carrie) that I started to appreciate

a little type of music we call jazz.

(Carrie laughs)

So, what did you do last night?

I listened to jazz.

(giggles)

What is so funny about jazz?

Okay, here it is.

Last night, with Ray,

I had...

(Carrie laughs)

The most intense orgasm of my entire life.

-Oh. -I did my laundry. Continue.

It doesn't make sense, I barely know him.

We've only been on two dates.

And yet you had sex with him.

Can everyone please let Carrie talk about the sex?

The mind-blowing sex. Now,

I realize that this next statement,

makes me a bit of a freak, but, um...

I usually have to be in love with someone

to have that kind of orgasm.

You might want to see someone about that.

What the hell is going on?

Maybe Ray is the one.

Your clitoris seems to think so.

Ah, it was probably just a fluke.

I'm going back tomorrow to find out.

I, on the other hand, am on strike.

What does that mean?

It means I'm not having any more sex.

That's not a strike, honey, that's a slump.

No, it might have started as a slump, but I'm in control of it now.

I've made the conscious decision not to have sex

until conditions improve.

How many people will be affected by this strike?

Um, so far, just the one, but, uh, I'm optimistic.

(all laughing)

The thing is, I can't go on any more bad dates.

I would rather be home alone than out with some guy

who sells socks on the Internet.

Well, I'm dating someone.

Someone I actually like.

-Good. -Wow!

Maria.

My Maria, from the gallery?

She's my Maria now, we're having a...

relationship.

Yes, ladies, I'm a lesbian.

Wait a second.

-You're in a relationship? -Yes. Oh.

And she just walked in.

Please get those looks off your faces. Maria.

(Samantha chuckling)

-Hello. -You know Charlotte.

Sure.

(Samantha) And this is Carrie and Miranda.

-Hi! -It's so nice to meet you.

-Good to see you. -I see you told them.

(Samantha) Mm-hm.

-How does that work? -(Miranda) Uh--

You go to bed, you wake up the next morning

and, poof, you're a lesbian?

I forgot to tell you, I'm a fire hydrant.

(laughs) Yeah, I'm a shoe.

I always wanted to be one, and, poof, now I am.

I don't think she's a lesbian, I think she just ran out of men.

Then you go on strike, you don't eat pussy.

Ew.

Did you just say "eat pussy"?

I did, but just for emphasis.

You know, the truly amazing thing is, I had the news tonight.

-I had the most intense... -"Mind-blowing," I believe was the word.

...orgasm of my life,

and Samantha still managed to up-sex me.

(Charlotte sighs)

They met at my gallery. I introduced them.

Poof, you're a pimp.

(Carrie) inspired by Samantha's willingness

to explore new territory,

Charlotte felt it was time to conquer some old territory.

The bed.

Where she and Trey had so much trouble as man and wife.

Here we are.

Yep.

Should we have a glass of wine first?

-I'm fine, unless you-- -No, I'm okay.

If you don't feel ready...

(Carrie) didn't mean she had to do without.

That's how Miranda discovered the perfect relationship.

Welcome to the show. I'm Jon Stewart...

(Carrie) Jon Stewart and chocolate éclairs.

(Stewart) from what I understand, in love with me.

(Carrie)

Charlotte and Trey enjoyed a sweet ending to their evening as well.

Not bad, huh?

(Charlotte moans)

It was almost mind-blowing.

(Carrie)

Now that they had fixed their problem in the bedroom,

she was ready to move back into the other rooms as well.

So...

what are you thinking?

I'm thinking I've never seen my John Thomas so hard.

I swear, at times I felt like it was gonna rocket right off.

What were you thinking?

I don't know. Um...

(Trey sighs)

Should I?

Do you?

-Are we ready to-- -Go again?

Houston, we don't have a problem.

Three, two, one, blastoff!

(Charlotte laughs)

(buzzer sounds)

-Who is it? -It's Ray.

Uh, hi. Uh, come on up.

(phone ringing)

Shit.

Hello?

So did you and the girls run down the street talking about me?

-Maybe. -How many blocks?

Oh...

Two, okay, nine.

Honestly, I'm a little hurt.

After all the hours I've spent listening

to you people talk about your relationships.

(Carrie spits)

You do that?

I make the courtesy call.

"Do you think you love him? Blah, blah, blah."

Well, you just caught us a little off guard with the lesbian thing.

That's just a label, like Gucci or Versace.

Or Birkenstock.

This is not about being gay or straight.

Maria is an incredible woman.

She's got passion, and talent,

-intelligence-- -A vagina.

-Vagina schmagina. -"Schmagina"?

Is that what the lesbians are calling it?

For your information, we haven't even had sex yet.

Wow.

You really are in a relationship.

I am. Life is not all about sex.

Try telling that to her schmagina.

I want a bourbon, and I want to go down on you.

Not necessarily in that order.

The truth is,

I really want it to be special the first time.

I'm sure that it will be special.

Um...

I'm sure it will be special, because--

Is Ray there?

No, Samantha, I'm listening. I... Oh, God. I'm listening.

(Carrie) I thought about what Samantha said.

She wasn't having sex because she wanted to have a relationship,

and I was having mind-blowing sex hoping to turn it into a relationship.

So there you have it.

We've got a relationship without sex,

and sex without a relationship.

Which had a better shot at survival?

I couldn't help but wonder,

what comes first, the chicken or the sex?

That night I decided to really talk to Ray.

I figured we needed to catch the relationship up to the sex.

Well, that was the plan.

Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait.

I asked you a question. Where did you go to school?

All over.

(Carrie laughs)

Oh.

Freckles on the legs, nothing wrong with that.

(Carrie) It was my best relationship ever.

(Carrie screams)

Meanwhile, over at Casa de Lesbo...

(Samantha) That coq au vin was amazing.

You can paint, you can cook, you can do everything.

But...

you brought the most incredible dessert.

Want a bite?

(Carrie) if she was going to be gay,

she'd be gay all the way.

(Samantha) Mm.

I might not be much in the kitchen,

but I'm more than enough in the bedroom.

(Samantha moaning)

Oh, baby.

(Maria) Samantha.

It's not really working for me.

(Carrie) Samantha had never heard in bed before.

Honey, I've never gotten any complaints from the men.

(chuckles)

Well, men.

I want you to look at me.

Connect with me.

This is lovemaking.

It's not a porno flick.

I want to show you. I'm gonna lay down.

And I want you to look at my

It's a Portuguese word for "pussy."

(Carrie) still off sex and on chocolate,

couldn't bring herself to order the seven éclairs she really wanted.

So she asked for just one.

One cake, please.

-Which do you recommend? -I'd go with the Louvre.

Monsieur Payard's signature chocolate cake.

Wow. Sold.

Okay, that'll be $74.50.

As in 74 dollars and 50 cents?

Yes.

(Carrie) she didn't need a cake that badly,

especially when she could make one for under $5.

Every once in a while, a girl has to indulge herself.

(Carrie laughing)

Oh!

Oh.

Mm.

Oh.

(Trey grunting)

-I'm on the mallard! -Huh?

Sorry.

(Carrie laughing)

He still hasn't asked me to move back in.

We make love all over the apartment. In the morning,

I get in a cab and go home like a Park Avenue hooker!

-Can't you bring it up? -No!

We finally got the penis working, I don't want to scare it.

Why can't I have the relationship and the sex?

-Why is it one or the other? -You got me.

I wanna order. Where's the lesbian du jour?

Oh, listen, you guys, when she gets here,

we have to talk about her relationship.

She was mad we didn't take it seriously last time.

Please. She isn't having a relationship, she's just doing this to bug us.

I don't know. They haven't even had sex yet.

She said she wants it to be special.

-Really? -Yeah.

Well, then we should be supportive.

This is the healthiest thing she's done in ages.

Does anybody want to split the chocolate pudding?

Morning, ladies.

-Morning. -Hi!

Tell us about your relationship. How is everything going with Maria?

Well, did you know that when a vagina gets engorged,

it expands to the size of a fist?

It's like a fabulous cave.

I guess they've had sex.

-Apparently so. -And we have three holes down there.

Okay, stop talking about your relationship.

But it's fascinating! There are places a dick just can't go.

Some dicks manage just fine.

Please, Maria has ten dicks.

For the record, you started this.

I am sorry,

but a finger is not a dick.

A finger is more like a third of a dick.

So technically, Maria only has three and a third dicks.

I can tell you right now, this...

is not the same as this.

Okay, put that away.

I'm just saying, size has nothing to do with it.

What's happening to you?

I'm getting an education.

Not only do I now know everything there is to know

about the glorious

That's Portuguese for "pussy."

"Boceta, let's call the whole thing off."

(Samantha) The most important thing,

is that Maria has taught me how to connect during sex.

It's not just some animal act.

It's about two people making love.

Yeah.

Yeah.

(knocking on door)

-Hey. -Hi.

I couldn't pick a shirt. Red, blue, I didn't know.

Come on in, I'm making margaritas.

Hey. Look what I bought today.

-My first jazz CD. -No.

No. You gotta hear that on vinyl.

Wait, Ray.

Ray, Ray.

Ray! Stop. Don't play anything.

Don't scat, don't chop, don't blend.

Could we...

Could we just sit and talk for a while?

Oh, the "gotta talk" girl, gotta talk.

"What are you thinking? Where is this going?"

I'm not that girl.

I'm not any girl, I just want to talk.

You know, talk.

Like, where are you from?

You said something about the Jersey Shore.

I spent a couple summers there.

Worked on the boardwalk.

There was a skeet shooting place I went to.

-On the Jersey Shore? -Upstate New York, college.

And, pull!

Man, why no skeet in the city? I love the skeet.

I should open one in New York. Maybe sell a club.

When was the last time you had canned corn?

That sounds good right now. You hungry?

-No, because remember I met-- -(blender whirring)

I had a pot pie in Vegas once, loaded with corn...

(Carrie)

I realized he wasn't spontaneous and unpredictable and thrilling.

This is the old downtown...

(Carrie)

(Ray) My mom used to drink...

(Carrie) could I have

with a guy I couldn't even talk to?

Flaky crust.

(Carrie)

You like pies?

Ray?

Wanna play me?

Yeah.

(Carrie)

(Ray chuckles)

Meanwhile, uptown...

I was thinking.

Charlotte gave Trey one more chance to ask her to move in.

Ah, I'm just gonna say it. Ahem.

Next time I'm hard,

would you consider measuring my John Thomas?

What? No!

I understand, it's juvenile, I know.

But I've just never seen it like this.

I'm taking a shower.

(Carrie) who cared much about penises

and now a penis was running her life.

Forget it.

(Carrie)

she really started to get lathered up.

Who did he think he was?

He was her husband, and she was his wife.

What the hell was going on in this Upper East Side nightmare?

-Trey! -Oh.

I'm tired of being married to your penis!

I am a person.

This is supposed to be a relationship!

And I am done walking on eggshells!

"Ooh, don't talk about moving in in front of the penis

because it might go soft."

"The penis likes this," and "The penis doesn't like that!"

And "The penis wants to be measured!"

-It was just a thought. -Here's another thought!

You can shove this marriage up your ass!

Don't go.

I'm going home to my own apartment, where I have a lease.

I hope that you and your penis have a very lovely night!

(Carrie) was getting fed up as well...

with herself.

(Carrie on voicemail) Hi, it's me, leave a message.

I know you're probably busy

having mind-blowing sex right now,

but I feel that you need to know, your good friend Miranda Hobbes

has just taken a piece of cake out of the garbage

and eaten it.

You'll probably need this information

when you check me in to the Betty Crocker Clinic.

(Carrie)

she'd been using chocolate as a substitute for sex,

and now she needed a substitute for chocolate.

The strike was officially over.

(buzzing)

(Maria) That's perfect!

(Carrie)

everything there was to know about women...

(Maria grunts)

...Samantha caused the very elusive

female ejaculation.

Was that good or bad?

That was very good.

(Carrie) and the sex.

In fact, a little more sex than she'd expected.

I want some water.

You want some water?

Be right back.

(Carrie) I woke up with a new thought.

Maybe Ray was like jazz.

Instead of trying to make him be something else, I needed to let go,

and appreciate him for what he was.

Truly mind-blowing sex.

(laughs)

(banjo playing)

Ray?

But unfortunately,

I got the feeling Ray had stopped playing me,

and moved on to another instrument.

Morning, ma'am.

Morning.

You, uh, left something at my...

-At the apartment. -Oh.

I want you to move back in,

and get rid of this old apartment.

And stay all night, every night.

And wake up next to me every morning and be my wife.

-You do? -Yeah.

I talked it over with my penis and we both agree.

I don't want to lose you again.

Charlotte York MacDougal,

will you remarry me?

Yes, Trey MacDougal,

I will remarry you.

(saxophone playing)

(Carrie) "another dating disaster,"

I worried that there's a reason they call it "mind-blowing" sex.

Maybe that kind of physical connection

obliterates the chance of an intellectual one.

Or maybe it's possible to find both.

That's what I was hoping, because great sex is great,

but I still like a song with a melody I can sing to.

(theme music playing)