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1
00:00:00,902 --> 00:00:02,202
-Previously on "Night Court"...
2
00:00:02,236 --> 00:00:05,607
-I can't believe Dan might be
your boyfriend's dad.
3
00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:08,041
-We're not even positive
they are father and son.
4
00:00:08,075 --> 00:00:10,444
-We can trick those guys
into a paternity test, easy.
5
00:00:10,477 --> 00:00:13,146
I'm always looking for a reason
to steal DNA.
6
00:00:13,180 --> 00:00:15,182
-No one's stealing any DNA.
7
00:00:15,215 --> 00:00:16,718
We could get the answer
in a normal way.
8
00:00:16,751 --> 00:00:19,386
Didn't you date a lawyer
who worked at night court
9
00:00:19,419 --> 00:00:21,823
right around the time
you were pregnant with Jake?
10
00:00:21,856 --> 00:00:23,958
-There was a lawyer...
11
00:00:23,992 --> 00:00:25,058
and a judge.
12
00:00:25,092 --> 00:00:26,995
-Was it a night court judge?
13
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:29,831
-And a magician.
14
00:00:29,864 --> 00:00:31,900
-Okay. I'm in.
Let's get their DNA.
15
00:00:31,933 --> 00:00:35,235
And just for fun,
here's mine, too.
16
00:00:35,269 --> 00:00:36,504
-Everybody here thinks
17
00:00:36,538 --> 00:00:39,339
that you're the judge's
boyfriend's dad.
18
00:00:40,073 --> 00:00:42,442
-You think what?
19
00:00:43,277 --> 00:00:45,145
-So, there you have it.
20
00:00:45,178 --> 00:00:47,481
Dan, you might be Jake's dad.
21
00:00:47,515 --> 00:00:50,117
The answer is right here
in this envelope.
22
00:00:50,150 --> 00:00:51,986
-It's a lot to process.
23
00:00:52,020 --> 00:00:53,755
-Yeah.
24
00:00:56,958 --> 00:01:00,093
-Wow!
You two even stress the same.
25
00:01:01,428 --> 00:01:03,163
So, which one of you
wants to open it?
26
00:01:04,298 --> 00:01:06,801
-There is also a third option.
27
00:01:06,834 --> 00:01:09,837
-I open it and read the results
like a '90s talk show.
28
00:01:09,871 --> 00:01:12,907
It's always been my dream to be
this generation's Maury Povich.
29
00:01:12,941 --> 00:01:17,579
And not just because I think
Connie Chung can still get it.
30
00:01:18,646 --> 00:01:20,380
-Big day for all of us.
31
00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:21,883
I'm going to journal
about this so hard
32
00:01:21,916 --> 00:01:24,151
the neighbors
are going to complain.
33
00:01:24,919 --> 00:01:26,621
-He can't be my son.
34
00:01:26,654 --> 00:01:28,623
I had a vasectomy in 1987.
35
00:01:28,656 --> 00:01:30,090
Although, you know,
that medical staff
36
00:01:30,123 --> 00:01:31,559
may have had it out for me.
37
00:01:31,593 --> 00:01:35,530
I had this great joke about them
not accepting tips.
38
00:01:36,698 --> 00:01:38,933
Not even one courtesy laugh.
39
00:01:40,068 --> 00:01:42,570
Oh, my first maybe-dad joke.
40
00:01:42,604 --> 00:01:44,806
-Come on,
just open the envelope.
41
00:01:45,907 --> 00:01:48,943
-Dan, Jake is...
42
00:01:48,977 --> 00:01:51,646
not your daughter.
43
00:01:52,346 --> 00:01:55,049
-What?
Let me see that.
44
00:01:55,083 --> 00:01:57,284
They must have screwed up
and tested my hair
45
00:01:57,317 --> 00:01:58,720
against Dan's DNA.
46
00:01:58,753 --> 00:02:00,021
-Why did they have your hair?
47
00:02:00,054 --> 00:02:01,522
Did you think
Dan was your dad, too?
48
00:02:01,556 --> 00:02:02,757
-Nope. Worse.
49
00:02:02,790 --> 00:02:05,325
I thought you were my brother.
50
00:02:05,359 --> 00:02:07,595
But good news!
You're not.
51
00:02:07,629 --> 00:02:08,863
-That's too bad.
52
00:02:08,896 --> 00:02:11,566
That would have given
you two a bit of an edge.
53
00:02:11,599 --> 00:02:13,266
-I can take your samples
down to the crime lab
54
00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:16,303
and have the results
in 48 hours.
55
00:02:16,336 --> 00:02:19,707
"Will solve a brutal murder.
56
00:02:19,741 --> 00:02:25,178
Parentheses. Pretty white lady.
Whole life ahead of her."
57
00:02:26,014 --> 00:02:28,850
-Fantastic.
-This is fantastic.
58
00:02:35,089 --> 00:02:38,626
-So, possible big relationship
on the horizon for two people
59
00:02:38,660 --> 00:02:40,460
who are very special to me.
60
00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:42,329
-Hold on.
I hear a squeak.
61
00:02:42,362 --> 00:02:43,965
I don't know if it's you
or my chair.
62
00:02:45,232 --> 00:02:47,635
Damn it, it's the chair.
63
00:02:47,669 --> 00:02:50,705
-I wish my voice could go
that low.
64
00:02:50,738 --> 00:02:53,273
Anyway, I thought you might
want to talk it out with someone
65
00:02:53,306 --> 00:02:55,208
who knows a thing
or two about fatherhood.
66
00:02:55,242 --> 00:02:56,544
-Wyatt?
I'll ask his advice
67
00:02:56,577 --> 00:02:59,714
when I'm looking for
a fitted tee.
68
00:02:59,747 --> 00:03:01,281
-You know,
I remember when I found out
69
00:03:01,314 --> 00:03:02,650
I was going to be a dad.
70
00:03:02,684 --> 00:03:05,586
It's a lot, but 90%
is just showing up.
71
00:03:05,620 --> 00:03:07,522
Though, you're just
showing up now,
72
00:03:07,555 --> 00:03:09,657
so your percentages
will be different.
73
00:03:09,691 --> 00:03:14,562
Let's say 30% showing up,
20% life lessons, 17% holidays.
74
00:03:14,595 --> 00:03:17,230
Is Jake Jewish? Because
their Christmas is like 11 days.
75
00:03:17,264 --> 00:03:19,167
I'll have to rerun the numbers.
76
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:21,636
-Wyatt, thank you so much
for that pep talk.
77
00:03:21,669 --> 00:03:24,972
It was 100% useless.
78
00:03:25,006 --> 00:03:30,144
-So, when you say, "I got this,"
that just means nothing?
79
00:03:30,178 --> 00:03:31,746
-Hey, Mommy Longlegs.
80
00:03:31,779 --> 00:03:33,548
Word on the street
is you've been smoking
81
00:03:33,581 --> 00:03:35,116
on the judge's fire escape.
82
00:03:35,149 --> 00:03:36,884
-Oh, because I'm an ex-con,
83
00:03:36,918 --> 00:03:39,687
you assume that I'm breaking
the rules around here?
84
00:03:39,721 --> 00:03:42,557
That is an outrageous
accusation.
85
00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:45,126
-So, this ashtray
sculpted by a woman
86
00:03:45,159 --> 00:03:47,662
venting her sexual frustration
through clay
87
00:03:47,695 --> 00:03:50,965
that says "Made in Rikers"
isn't yours?
88
00:03:52,700 --> 00:03:54,068
-You got me.
89
00:03:54,102 --> 00:03:58,973
I also channeled my prison heat
into some very phallic vases.
90
00:03:59,941 --> 00:04:01,843
-Well, knock off the smoking.
91
00:04:01,876 --> 00:04:03,978
You don't get a pass
just 'cause you're new.
92
00:04:04,011 --> 00:04:05,646
-Fine. I'll stop.
93
00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:09,517
-I don't believe you.
-You got me again. You're good.
94
00:04:09,550 --> 00:04:12,419
-First up,
the People vs. Bree McKee,
95
00:04:12,452 --> 00:04:14,321
who is charged
with destruction of property
96
00:04:14,354 --> 00:04:15,990
at the Times Square Duane Reade.
97
00:04:16,023 --> 00:04:19,627
-Rather than wait for an
employee to open a locked case,
98
00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:21,596
Miss McKee smashed through it
99
00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:24,766
with a walker
from the mobility aids aisle.
100
00:04:24,799 --> 00:04:27,635
-I'm not seeing a statement
from anyone who works there.
101
00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:30,905
-We're still
not sure anyone does.
102
00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:33,440
These drug stores
inexplicably put more things
103
00:04:33,473 --> 00:04:34,876
behind unbreakable glass
than museums.
104
00:04:34,909 --> 00:04:36,409
You know, it's easier
to steal a Rembrandt
105
00:04:36,443 --> 00:04:38,478
than to buy foot powder?
106
00:04:38,513 --> 00:04:40,480
-I needed a pregnancy test.
107
00:04:40,515 --> 00:04:43,017
And if the condoms
weren't locked up last time,
108
00:04:43,050 --> 00:04:45,920
I wouldn't even be
here right now.
109
00:04:46,988 --> 00:04:48,890
-So, you might be pregnant.
110
00:04:48,923 --> 00:04:50,625
No wonder she's upset.
111
00:04:50,658 --> 00:04:52,359
She's moments away
from finding out
112
00:04:52,392 --> 00:04:53,628
if her life is going to change
forever,
113
00:04:53,661 --> 00:04:56,631
and she's told she has to wait.
114
00:04:56,664 --> 00:04:59,634
What if she's not ready
to have a kid?
115
00:04:59,667 --> 00:05:02,270
Not everybody is cut out
to be a parent, you know?
116
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:05,573
Damn! She's 70.
117
00:05:05,606 --> 00:05:09,409
She likes her life
the way it is.
118
00:05:10,410 --> 00:05:11,646
-Imagine
how much worse it'd be
119
00:05:11,679 --> 00:05:14,615
if I hadn't given him
that pep talk.
120
00:05:14,649 --> 00:05:16,651
-Okay, I'm gonna let you off
with a warning,
121
00:05:16,684 --> 00:05:19,954
because in nine months,
you may be doing hard labor.
122
00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:21,656
Hey-o!
123
00:05:22,290 --> 00:05:24,125
Five-minute recess.
124
00:05:24,158 --> 00:05:25,793
-You don't need to take
that test.
125
00:05:25,827 --> 00:05:28,763
I can tell you're pregnant
by the shape of your face.
126
00:05:30,631 --> 00:05:34,302
-Oh, look, Jake's here
with a face full of hope.
127
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:35,335
Dan's gonna hate that.
128
00:05:35,368 --> 00:05:37,772
-I got this.
-No.
129
00:05:38,405 --> 00:05:39,740
Hey.
What you got there?
130
00:05:39,774 --> 00:05:42,176
-Well, since Dan
might be my dad,
131
00:05:42,210 --> 00:05:43,443
I thought it'd be fun
if I showed him
132
00:05:43,476 --> 00:05:44,679
some of my childhood memories.
133
00:05:44,712 --> 00:05:46,013
There's also a baseball
in there,
134
00:05:46,047 --> 00:05:48,182
in case he wants
to have a catch.
135
00:05:49,984 --> 00:05:52,485
-Why are you doing this to me?!
136
00:05:53,988 --> 00:05:56,791
-You know, I think a box
full of tender memories
137
00:05:56,824 --> 00:05:58,559
might be a lot much for Dan
right --
138
00:05:58,593 --> 00:06:00,460
and you're already going.
139
00:06:00,493 --> 00:06:04,699
-Hey, Dan.
-Oh. Hey, Jake.
140
00:06:04,732 --> 00:06:07,101
Nice weather we're having
here in the courtroom today.
141
00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:09,402
-I was thinking the two of us
could go through this box --
142
00:06:09,436 --> 00:06:10,872
-Oh, Jake.
143
00:06:10,905 --> 00:06:13,641
Dan doesn't want to look
through a box of my old stuff.
144
00:06:13,674 --> 00:06:15,375
Right?
145
00:06:17,545 --> 00:06:19,046
-What's with all the crap?
146
00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:20,715
-Just a bunch of my junk.
147
00:06:20,748 --> 00:06:23,718
Got a recorder,
148
00:06:23,751 --> 00:06:27,121
pages from
a Victoria's Secret catalog.
149
00:06:27,154 --> 00:06:29,290
Hubba, hubba.
150
00:06:29,323 --> 00:06:30,825
-You probably thought
if those pictures
151
00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:32,760
were a big part
of your sexual awakening,
152
00:06:32,793 --> 00:06:35,563
your dad would want
to know about it.
153
00:06:35,596 --> 00:06:36,831
Oh, hey, there's a baseball
in here.
154
00:06:36,864 --> 00:06:40,334
Hmm. Does anyone
want to have a catch?
155
00:06:40,368 --> 00:06:41,769
-Um, you know what?
156
00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:44,071
I'm just going to help
Abby get rid of this crap.
157
00:06:44,105 --> 00:06:45,438
Right.
158
00:06:46,274 --> 00:06:48,509
-Stupid, stupid.
159
00:06:48,542 --> 00:06:50,845
Should have brought my mitt.
160
00:06:54,215 --> 00:06:57,018
-I know Dan will love Jake
if he just gets to know him.
161
00:06:57,051 --> 00:07:00,655
So, I made a few hundred
flashcards with icebreakers
162
00:07:00,688 --> 00:07:03,024
to get the conversation popping.
163
00:07:03,057 --> 00:07:05,526
-"Describe your perfect day."
164
00:07:05,559 --> 00:07:08,529
"What song would pull you
out of a coma?"
165
00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:11,599
"Canada has been attacked
by an aggressive foreign army.
166
00:07:11,632 --> 00:07:13,968
Do you volunteer to fight?"
167
00:07:14,001 --> 00:07:15,303
-Great questions, Wyatt.
168
00:07:15,336 --> 00:07:17,338
My answers are Christmas,
169
00:07:17,371 --> 00:07:18,606
"Tubthumping,"
170
00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:21,509
and "Oh, yeah,
you bet I'll fight, eh."
171
00:07:22,810 --> 00:07:24,312
-Judge,
this isn't going to work.
172
00:07:24,345 --> 00:07:26,314
Fathers and sons
don't have conversations.
173
00:07:26,347 --> 00:07:27,648
There's too much risk.
174
00:07:27,682 --> 00:07:30,151
You might say something
you actually mean.
175
00:07:30,985 --> 00:07:32,353
You need a project.
176
00:07:32,386 --> 00:07:35,690
My dad and I restored
an entire 1967 Mustang
177
00:07:35,723 --> 00:07:38,025
and didn't make
eye contact once.
178
00:07:38,059 --> 00:07:40,094
I've never felt more loved.
179
00:07:40,895 --> 00:07:42,830
-Judge,
we're ready to start court.
180
00:07:42,863 --> 00:07:45,633
-Hey, Gurgs, what kind of
things do you do with your dad?
181
00:07:45,666 --> 00:07:47,735
-My dad and I
have a family band
182
00:07:47,768 --> 00:07:49,370
that plays small clubs upstate.
183
00:07:49,403 --> 00:07:52,106
Have you ever heard
of Simon and Gurgfunkel?
184
00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:54,508
Because those were our rivals.
185
00:07:55,309 --> 00:07:57,477
You go ahead.
186
00:07:57,511 --> 00:07:59,580
I'll be right there.
187
00:08:05,119 --> 00:08:07,922
-Oh, did you mean
this fire escape?
188
00:08:08,656 --> 00:08:10,091
-Come in here right now,
189
00:08:10,124 --> 00:08:11,926
or I'll make you eat
that cigarette like a hot dog.
190
00:08:11,959 --> 00:08:13,327
-Oh, fine.
191
00:08:13,361 --> 00:08:15,262
This will be my last one.
192
00:08:22,636 --> 00:08:24,905
You might want to get
comfortable.
193
00:08:27,541 --> 00:08:29,577
-Judge, we have a problem.
194
00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:31,645
You know that defendant
who was accused of trespassing
195
00:08:31,679 --> 00:08:34,548
in the women's changing room
in Bally's Total Fitness?
196
00:08:34,582 --> 00:08:35,850
-The guy
who's pleading it's fine
197
00:08:35,883 --> 00:08:37,885
because he thought
he was invisible?
198
00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:43,090
-Yeah, well,
he's completely disappeared.
199
00:08:43,124 --> 00:08:47,962
-But I'm on it. I got the police
sketch artist to draw this.
200
00:08:49,330 --> 00:08:52,533
Sorry. This.
201
00:08:52,566 --> 00:08:57,171
-Gurgs, don't be silly.
People can't turn invisible.
202
00:08:58,572 --> 00:09:01,409
-Oh, no.
He got away again.
203
00:09:01,442 --> 00:09:03,577
And he stole my protein bar!
204
00:09:03,611 --> 00:09:06,981
Oh, no. Wait. It's here.
205
00:09:07,715 --> 00:09:09,283
-Hey, I got your text.
206
00:09:09,316 --> 00:09:12,319
Oh. Excuse me.
207
00:09:12,353 --> 00:09:15,089
You said you needed to see me
about a couple's emergency?
208
00:09:15,122 --> 00:09:16,590
-Hey, you said
there's some guy here
209
00:09:16,624 --> 00:09:18,893
just giving away paninis?
210
00:09:21,395 --> 00:09:22,830
-You know what?
211
00:09:22,863 --> 00:09:25,866
A liar must have stolen
my phone.
212
00:09:26,834 --> 00:09:28,602
But since you both are here,
213
00:09:28,636 --> 00:09:31,705
Dan's been having
a horrible squeak in his chair.
214
00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:33,808
Jake, maybe you can help
him fix it?
215
00:09:33,841 --> 00:09:35,242
You are a bit of a chair expert.
216
00:09:35,276 --> 00:09:36,844
-I don't know about expert.
217
00:09:36,877 --> 00:09:38,479
I put my butt in a chair,
one cheek at a time,
218
00:09:38,513 --> 00:09:40,681
just like everybody else.
219
00:09:40,714 --> 00:09:42,116
-You're welcome to try.
220
00:09:42,149 --> 00:09:46,220
Just know that I show my
gratitude without money.
221
00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:49,056
-Whoa, Dan, this is a classic.
222
00:09:49,090 --> 00:09:53,794
Oh, a custom
mid-century Eames lounger
223
00:09:53,828 --> 00:09:55,663
with convertible armrests?
224
00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:58,299
Oh, what a beaut.
225
00:09:58,332 --> 00:10:01,035
-She's a rescue.
226
00:10:01,068 --> 00:10:02,803
She'd been living
in squalid conditions.
227
00:10:02,837 --> 00:10:07,875
She was in a man cave...
under a dartboard.
228
00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:10,678
-Some people shouldn't
be allowed to have chairs.
229
00:10:11,812 --> 00:10:13,414
-Fully pneumatic lift.
230
00:10:13,447 --> 00:10:14,949
-Did you double
the lumbar support?
231
00:10:14,982 --> 00:10:18,319
-Baby, it's not even
street legal.
232
00:10:18,352 --> 00:10:20,522
-Nice work,
finding their thing.
233
00:10:22,723 --> 00:10:24,992
-I hate to see her like this.
234
00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:26,760
-Well, you know,
if I had some tools,
235
00:10:26,794 --> 00:10:28,829
we could pop the seat and
see what you're working with.
236
00:10:28,863 --> 00:10:30,865
-Hey, Wyatt, do you think
we could just
237
00:10:30,898 --> 00:10:32,700
get rid of this old toolbox?
238
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:35,870
I mean,
no one's ever going to use it.
239
00:10:35,903 --> 00:10:39,173
-Nope. We'll use them.
Yeah.
240
00:10:39,206 --> 00:10:40,774
-They're sharing tools.
241
00:10:40,808 --> 00:10:42,577
They're rolling up
their sleeves.
242
00:10:42,611 --> 00:10:44,678
I got to call my dad.
243
00:10:49,650 --> 00:10:52,186
-Well, that should do it.
244
00:10:52,219 --> 00:10:54,255
Let's wipe her down
and take her for a ride.
245
00:10:54,288 --> 00:10:57,725
-Any hardworking boys
hungry for paninis?
246
00:10:58,627 --> 00:11:01,295
I'm setting feminism way back.
247
00:11:02,429 --> 00:11:03,998
-I know that you
set all of this up,
248
00:11:04,031 --> 00:11:06,066
but even your enjoyment
doesn't ruin it for me.
249
00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:09,270
Jake's a good kid.
-Oh, it's happening!
250
00:11:09,303 --> 00:11:12,273
-Okay, you could enjoy it
a little less.
251
00:11:12,306 --> 00:11:14,208
-I'm just so happy you two
are hitting it off.
252
00:11:14,241 --> 00:11:16,143
Oh, hey, don't forget
we have book club tonight.
253
00:11:16,177 --> 00:11:18,445
-Hey, you two are
in a book club?
254
00:11:18,479 --> 00:11:19,847
-Oh, no,
we're not in a book club.
255
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:23,384
We watch a book club
and mock it.
256
00:11:24,653 --> 00:11:26,588
-Every month,
a super random group of people
257
00:11:26,621 --> 00:11:27,922
meets in the cafeteria,
258
00:11:27,955 --> 00:11:30,124
and we make up stories
about their lives.
259
00:11:30,157 --> 00:11:32,459
-She gives them
hopes and dreams.
260
00:11:33,628 --> 00:11:36,263
I give them creepy fetishes.
261
00:11:37,532 --> 00:11:38,866
Hey, you should come.
262
00:11:38,899 --> 00:11:41,001
-Oh, you're inviting Jake?
-Huh?
263
00:11:41,035 --> 00:11:43,437
-To our thing?
-I don't want to overstep
264
00:11:43,470 --> 00:11:44,838
if it's, uh, you know,
your thing.
265
00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:46,440
-No, no, no,
it's not our thing.
266
00:11:46,473 --> 00:11:48,309
It's just a thing
we do together.
267
00:11:48,342 --> 00:11:52,279
-After we tried dozens of other
things that you walked out on.
268
00:11:52,947 --> 00:11:56,016
But, yeah, it's totally...
269
00:11:58,085 --> 00:12:00,454
It's totally fine if Jake comes.
270
00:12:00,487 --> 00:12:05,259
What kind of nutjob would say,
"The less, the merrier," right?
271
00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:07,795
-Are you really okay
with that?
272
00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:10,197
Because I'm sensing some
"big sister getting jealous
273
00:12:10,231 --> 00:12:12,266
of the new baby" energy.
274
00:12:13,934 --> 00:12:15,469
-No, I am happy for them.
275
00:12:15,503 --> 00:12:17,938
I am in no way threatened
by his relationship with Jake.
276
00:12:17,972 --> 00:12:19,674
We're not children.
277
00:12:19,708 --> 00:12:22,042
-Whee!
278
00:12:23,277 --> 00:12:26,180
-I already know
how to ride a chair.
279
00:12:32,152 --> 00:12:35,990
Oh, God. That's hilarious.
280
00:12:36,023 --> 00:12:38,792
Alright, now,
you tell a joke.
281
00:12:40,928 --> 00:12:42,229
-Where have you been?
282
00:12:42,263 --> 00:12:43,698
I've been watching
these weirdos alone
283
00:12:43,732 --> 00:12:45,567
like a weirdo.
284
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:47,602
-Sorry.
Dan took me tie shopping.
285
00:12:47,636 --> 00:12:51,038
Did you know that 80% of men
are wearing the wrong size tie?
286
00:12:51,071 --> 00:12:53,841
Dan thinks that might be
the source of my back problems.
287
00:12:54,676 --> 00:12:55,943
-You went tie shopping
without me?
288
00:12:55,976 --> 00:12:57,344
I would have loved that.
289
00:12:57,378 --> 00:12:59,648
I've always in the market
for a lady's wide.
290
00:12:59,681 --> 00:13:03,384
-Abby, I told you, my guy
doesn't do menswear for women.
291
00:13:03,417 --> 00:13:06,721
He's confounded by breasts.
292
00:13:06,755 --> 00:13:08,956
-Jake, let me get you up
to speed on book club.
293
00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:11,660
You see that lady
with the big cup?
294
00:13:11,693 --> 00:13:13,861
We call her Big Cup.
295
00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:15,296
She likes to drink a lot,
296
00:13:15,329 --> 00:13:18,399
but the one thing
she can't swallow is the truth.
297
00:13:18,432 --> 00:13:23,871
-And the one in the yellow
glasses, we call Yellow Glasses.
298
00:13:23,904 --> 00:13:25,873
My going theory is
that she's pulling
299
00:13:25,906 --> 00:13:28,075
a "Talented Mr. Ripley"
long con.
300
00:13:28,108 --> 00:13:30,878
She murdered
someone in Italy.
301
00:13:31,979 --> 00:13:33,147
-Now you see that guy
with the hat?
302
00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:34,716
We call him --
-Hat Guy?
303
00:13:34,749 --> 00:13:36,618
- Quick study.
304
00:13:36,651 --> 00:13:38,285
-You know,
who's a really quick study
305
00:13:38,319 --> 00:13:40,588
was that pocket square
sommelier at the tie store.
306
00:13:40,622 --> 00:13:42,022
-It took him like a second
to nail me
307
00:13:42,056 --> 00:13:44,458
as a two-point-fold guy.
308
00:13:45,326 --> 00:13:46,661
-Okay, okay.
309
00:13:46,695 --> 00:13:48,395
It's called book club,
not tie club.
310
00:13:48,429 --> 00:13:50,297
So, can we just --
-Dan, Dan, who am I?
311
00:13:50,331 --> 00:13:52,900
You look like
a two-point-fold man.
312
00:13:52,933 --> 00:13:55,537
-It's like he's in the room.
313
00:13:55,570 --> 00:13:59,273
Maybe he'll introduce us
again to his weird brother.
314
00:14:00,074 --> 00:14:03,177
-Hey, hey, hey, Dan, who am I?
315
00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:07,147
"Follow me to the dungeon
of toys."
316
00:14:10,351 --> 00:14:12,654
- Did you give
the brother a hunchback?
317
00:14:12,687 --> 00:14:14,054
-You said he was weird.
318
00:14:14,088 --> 00:14:17,291
-Abby, there is such a thing
as punching down.
319
00:14:21,462 --> 00:14:23,030
-Oh, look who's back.
320
00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:26,100
Little Miss Goody Two-Lungs.
321
00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:29,336
-You got me all wrong,
Virginia Slim.
322
00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:32,574
I'm here to congratulate you.
You've won.
323
00:14:32,607 --> 00:14:37,177
-Oh, does that mean I'm free
to smoke about the cabin?
324
00:14:37,211 --> 00:14:39,079
-After you hear what
my friend Wyatt has to say,
325
00:14:39,113 --> 00:14:40,615
I don't think you'll want to.
326
00:14:41,850 --> 00:14:44,184
Oh, this guy's gonna
get me to quit smoking?
327
00:14:44,218 --> 00:14:47,254
-I have a special talent
for ruining things people love.
328
00:14:47,287 --> 00:14:50,357
Case in point --
do you like Tom Cruise's smile?
329
00:14:50,391 --> 00:14:51,760
-Of course. Who doesn't?
330
00:14:51,793 --> 00:14:54,729
-What if I told you something
about it that you can't unsee?
331
00:14:54,763 --> 00:14:58,198
Tom Cruise's two front teeth
aren't underneath his nose.
332
00:14:58,232 --> 00:15:01,669
They're shifted left --
way left.
333
00:15:02,737 --> 00:15:04,706
-No, that can't be.
334
00:15:04,739 --> 00:15:06,240
-But it is.
335
00:15:06,273 --> 00:15:10,678
-His teeth should start here,
but they start here.
336
00:15:12,079 --> 00:15:15,215
-Oh, Wyatt.
Such a good guy.
337
00:15:15,249 --> 00:15:17,384
Must be exhausting,
always doing the right thing.
338
00:15:17,418 --> 00:15:21,488
Don't you ever feel
like you...need a break?
339
00:15:22,624 --> 00:15:23,892
-I don't smoke.
340
00:15:23,924 --> 00:15:25,794
-Anymore.
341
00:15:25,827 --> 00:15:27,995
But I saw the spark in your eye
342
00:15:28,028 --> 00:15:29,531
when you looked
at this cigarette.
343
00:15:29,564 --> 00:15:33,868
For one brief, fleeting moment,
where did you go?
344
00:15:33,902 --> 00:15:36,336
Was it a semester abroad?
345
00:15:36,370 --> 00:15:38,640
Paris? Madrid?
346
00:15:39,473 --> 00:15:42,811
-It was one hot summer
in Montreal.
347
00:15:42,844 --> 00:15:46,514
I didn't speak French, but
when Jacqueline took my hand,
348
00:15:46,548 --> 00:15:50,284
everything made sense.
349
00:15:50,317 --> 00:15:54,589
-Montreal is waiting...
just outside that window.
350
00:15:55,557 --> 00:15:58,258
-Goodbye in French, Gurgs.
351
00:16:01,462 --> 00:16:03,832
-Looks like you brought
Tom Cruise's teeth
352
00:16:03,865 --> 00:16:05,966
to a cigarette fight.
353
00:16:09,904 --> 00:16:11,639
-I got to tell you,
there are so many people
354
00:16:11,673 --> 00:16:13,140
with squeaky chairs out there,
355
00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:15,643
we could start our
own repair business.
356
00:16:15,677 --> 00:16:16,678
-Yeah.
357
00:16:16,711 --> 00:16:19,246
We could call it
Fielding and S--
358
00:16:19,279 --> 00:16:20,915
Jake.
359
00:16:20,949 --> 00:16:22,517
-Hey, well, listen.
There'll be a lot of time
360
00:16:22,550 --> 00:16:24,451
to think about names
tomorrow at the Yankee game.
361
00:16:24,485 --> 00:16:26,386
-Wait. You're taking him
to the Yankee game?
362
00:16:26,420 --> 00:16:29,256
-Yeah. Dan got us tickets.
It's bobblehead night.
363
00:16:29,289 --> 00:16:30,491
-Whoa!
364
00:16:31,091 --> 00:16:32,660
-Bobblehead night?
365
00:16:32,694 --> 00:16:34,194
You've told me multiple times
366
00:16:34,228 --> 00:16:37,130
that promotional items
cheapen the experience.
367
00:16:37,164 --> 00:16:40,467
-Ah, I just realized I got to
reschedule an HR meeting.
368
00:16:40,502 --> 00:16:42,302
If you can believe it,
a couple things went wrong
369
00:16:42,336 --> 00:16:45,339
on the Health Department
booze cruise.
370
00:16:46,508 --> 00:16:48,676
Oh. Excuse me.
371
00:16:49,944 --> 00:16:52,079
-First tie shopping
and now a Yankee game?
372
00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:54,616
I mean, don't you think
you're moving a little fast?
373
00:16:54,649 --> 00:16:57,251
-Don't be jealous.
-Why would I be jealous?
374
00:16:57,284 --> 00:16:59,253
I'm the one who made
this whole relationship happen.
375
00:16:59,286 --> 00:17:01,523
-Maybe you're giving yourself
a little too much credit here.
376
00:17:01,556 --> 00:17:03,625
I mean, Jake and I
have a lot in common.
377
00:17:03,658 --> 00:17:07,862
-Oh, really? You think you have
a lot in common?
378
00:17:07,896 --> 00:17:11,198
Did you know
that Jake is one of those people
379
00:17:11,231 --> 00:17:14,636
that claps when the plane lands?
380
00:17:14,669 --> 00:17:17,772
I forget, is that the sort
of thing that annoys you?
381
00:17:17,805 --> 00:17:20,508
-Used to, but landing a plane
in one piece these days
382
00:17:20,542 --> 00:17:22,577
is an accomplishment.
383
00:17:22,610 --> 00:17:26,346
-How about this?
He cries during movies,
384
00:17:26,380 --> 00:17:29,483
even ones that aren't
about sports.
385
00:17:29,517 --> 00:17:33,320
-I cry at movies that are not
about sports wars or dogs
386
00:17:33,353 --> 00:17:37,157
and every now
and then a noble horse.
387
00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:38,993
-Okay, fine, Dan.
You've made your point.
388
00:17:39,027 --> 00:17:40,628
He's your favorite,
and you like him better.
389
00:17:40,662 --> 00:17:42,329
I'm just gonna find
a new group to hang out with.
390
00:17:42,362 --> 00:17:44,431
-Don't go.
They were onto Yellow Glasses.
391
00:17:44,464 --> 00:17:48,468
She will kill you
to cover it up.
392
00:17:48,503 --> 00:17:51,471
-Hello, Yellow Glasses,
Hat Guy, Big Cup,
393
00:17:51,506 --> 00:17:53,407
Snacky Jackie.
394
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:55,977
Fun icebreaker --
Canada has been attacked
395
00:17:56,010 --> 00:17:57,344
by an aggressive foreign power.
396
00:17:57,377 --> 00:17:59,479
Do you volunteer to fight?
397
00:18:00,180 --> 00:18:01,783
-Guys, Gurgs just told me.
398
00:18:01,816 --> 00:18:03,751
The paternity test results
are in.
399
00:18:03,785 --> 00:18:04,852
-I called it!
400
00:18:04,886 --> 00:18:07,789
They really were waiting
on DNA results.
401
00:18:08,957 --> 00:18:11,291
I told you, Angry Beard
and Surf's Up Hair
402
00:18:11,325 --> 00:18:13,661
were father and son.
403
00:18:19,767 --> 00:18:21,903
-Huh.
404
00:18:21,936 --> 00:18:24,471
-You're not --
-In no way, are we.
405
00:18:24,505 --> 00:18:25,673
-No.
406
00:18:25,707 --> 00:18:28,342
Just two unrelated men
who went tie shopping
407
00:18:28,375 --> 00:18:32,580
and shared an ice cream.
408
00:18:32,614 --> 00:18:35,917
-I'm sorry. I know this wasn't
the answer you were looking for.
409
00:18:35,950 --> 00:18:38,318
-Oh, it's okay.
410
00:18:38,352 --> 00:18:42,023
You know, we --
we knew it was a long shot.
411
00:18:42,056 --> 00:18:44,391
It was an honor fixing
a chair with you.
412
00:18:44,424 --> 00:18:45,627
-Yes.
413
00:18:45,660 --> 00:18:48,529
If you ever need any tie
advice, feel free to call.
414
00:18:48,563 --> 00:18:49,396
-I'd like that.
415
00:18:49,429 --> 00:18:50,932
And not to get too sappy,
416
00:18:50,965 --> 00:18:53,133
but I hope
if I ever meet my real dad,
417
00:18:53,166 --> 00:18:55,536
it's as easy as it was with you.
418
00:18:59,574 --> 00:19:02,510
Just thinking
of a noble horse.
419
00:19:04,177 --> 00:19:06,614
-You sure you're okay?
-Yeah.
420
00:19:06,648 --> 00:19:10,618
Now I can hold out hope
that my real dad is Tom Selleck.
421
00:19:10,652 --> 00:19:12,687
-Another silver lining --
now, we don't have to worry
422
00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:15,923
about your dad walking in when
we're doing stuff on the couch.
423
00:19:17,091 --> 00:19:20,762
-And what would he see?
You two holding hands?
424
00:19:22,229 --> 00:19:23,430
-Are you guys smoking
out there?
425
00:19:23,463 --> 00:19:28,335
-No, time traveling
to Montreal.
426
00:19:28,368 --> 00:19:29,937
-Don't worry, Judge,
I came up with a way
427
00:19:29,971 --> 00:19:32,507
to shut down their smoker's
lounge once and for all.
428
00:19:32,540 --> 00:19:35,610
-Oh, no need.
I don't smoke these things.
429
00:19:35,643 --> 00:19:39,246
I was out there eavesdropping
to get an advantage in court.
430
00:19:39,279 --> 00:19:41,749
But you people
never talk about work.
431
00:19:42,449 --> 00:19:43,718
-She doesn't speak for me.
432
00:19:43,751 --> 00:19:46,587
I'm going to stay out
here forever.
433
00:19:46,621 --> 00:19:48,890
-I hope you enjoy it, because
I put a bunch of birdseed
434
00:19:48,923 --> 00:19:50,825
on the fire escape
one floor up.
435
00:19:53,528 --> 00:19:54,962
-Oh, no.
436
00:19:54,996 --> 00:19:57,565
Hey, Gurgs!
Gurgs, open the window.
437
00:19:57,598 --> 00:19:59,867
I don't want to smoke anymore.
438
00:19:59,901 --> 00:20:02,170
I don't want to be in Montreal.
439
00:20:02,202 --> 00:20:04,505
USA! USA!
440
00:20:04,539 --> 00:20:09,242
USA! USA!
USA! USA!
441
00:20:16,784 --> 00:20:18,485
-Is this seat taken?
442
00:20:18,519 --> 00:20:20,521
-Um, I was saving it
for my nachos.
443
00:20:20,555 --> 00:20:23,958
But the nacho guy seems
to be neglecting this section!
444
00:20:24,726 --> 00:20:27,562
-Thought I might find you
here.
445
00:20:27,595 --> 00:20:31,999
-You know, I liked it
more than I thought I would.
446
00:20:32,033 --> 00:20:34,301
The idea of being a dad.
447
00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:35,837
-I'm not surprised.
448
00:20:35,870 --> 00:20:37,905
You tend to like the things
you're good at.
449
00:20:37,939 --> 00:20:39,540
-Mm.
450
00:20:41,274 --> 00:20:43,711
-I'm sorry for the way
I acted at book club.
451
00:20:43,745 --> 00:20:47,849
It's just you're
really important to me.
452
00:20:47,882 --> 00:20:51,052
-Yeah. You're really important
to me, too.
453
00:20:51,085 --> 00:20:52,754
Um...
454
00:20:52,787 --> 00:20:55,089
more than you know.
455
00:20:55,123 --> 00:20:57,625
It's funny,
thinking that at my age,
456
00:20:57,658 --> 00:21:00,795
you could still learn
something new about yourself.
457
00:21:01,662 --> 00:21:02,797
-I love that.
458
00:21:02,830 --> 00:21:06,067
You got to be receptive
to new possibilities.
459
00:21:06,100 --> 00:21:07,201
Look forward.
460
00:21:07,235 --> 00:21:08,936
Oh!
461
00:21:10,138 --> 00:21:11,939
Mother
462
00:21:11,973 --> 00:21:14,175
-Nacho guy's back!
Nachos!
463
00:21:14,208 --> 00:21:16,043
Ice cream guy comes by,
I'll get you a popsicle
464
00:21:16,077 --> 00:21:17,578
for that swelling.
465
00:21:17,612 --> 00:21:19,981
Oh, look,
you're on the big screen.
466
00:21:24,252 --> 00:21:24,952
-It's funny.
32642
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