All language subtitles for Me.and.Him.1988.1080p.BluRay.H264.AAC-RARBG

Oh, hi, there.

Come closer.

Half of you... You men
know me, or someone like me.

The other half... You women
want me.

All the time.

You see, there's two and a half
billion of us on this planet,

and there's a man attached
to each one of us.

We're very important to men.
Precious.

And they take us everywhere.

We keep them happy,
alert, alive.

We even have a...
A little saying:

"It's not who stands
behind every man,

it's what stands in front."

But some guys forget that.

Some get distracted by money.

Some by power.

And some guys, well,
they don't have a clue.

In New York, it's success
that get's in the way.

There's four million of us
competing here.

Cut off, laid end-to-end,

we'd stretch
from here to Montreal.

Each one of us has a story.
This one is mine.

Some guys got it good here.

Others of us get the short end,
like me.

I'm saddled with
a no-fun partner.

A family man.

That's his wife and kid.
He is a drone.

Mommy! Oh.

A faithful husband.
A monogamist.

Well, that's me. And him.

He stayed up all last night,
working.

Why? He's miserable
and he doesn't even know it.

I can't take it anymore.

Somehow, I've got to make him
see what we've been missing.

I... I can't stay silent
any longer.

Oh, my poor baby.

It stinks.

The proposal stinks. Karamis is
never going to accept this.

Bert, don't torture yourself.

The marina is brilliant
and you know it.

You're brilliant.

I'm a fraud.

Karamis is not only
gonna turn this down,

he's gonna fire me,

decertify me as an architect...

I'm never gonna get a job...

Stop it. Stop it right now,
Bert Uttanzi.

Your son wants
to see his daddy smile.

Come on, honey.
Smile.

Smile with B.J. Okay.

Oh.

Hey, come here.

You still gonna love me when
Karamis turns this proposal down

and we end up in the poorhouse?

Mm... yes.

Mwah.

But that won't happen.
All right?

Surprise!

Hey, Louie Armstrong.

B.J., did you do this?

Yes.

We got a present here.

Come on, Dad, make a wish.

Okay.

I wish they make my building.

That's a stupid wish.

Happy birthday!

Yay!

What?

Yay! What?

Yay! Come on... I made my wish.

After all, it's my birthday
too, Bert. Whoo-hoo!

Do you hear that?

Bert?

Whee!

Hey, Bert, you... You o...
You okay, buddy? Bert?

Honey, what is it?

Honey?

Oh, yeah. Ah...
I got my wish.

Don't open your eyes.

She's gotta give us
mouth-to-mouth.

I think he's coming to.

Oh, thank God, thank God.

Honey...

What happened?

What happened? Come on, honey.

Nothing. Yet.
Just relax.

No. No, no. Don't get up.

Just relax, all right?

Can I talk to you for a second?

Alone?

Bert made this for me.
It's our dream house.

And we're gonna get it

as soon as his project
gets off the ground.

I used to have a pool,
then I got divorced.

Oh, really.

You're so lucky.

It's a dream.

He speaks?

Yes. He speaks.

Out loud?

Bert... There.

I wouldn't try
explaining this.

There he is.

Here he is. He's here.

What? You hear this?

Come on.

You didn't hear that?

Come on, speak!

Hey!

Hey. Come on, speak up.

Speak up.

Nothing.

Okay.

You say that this voice
that you think you're hearing

is coming to you
from your genital region?

Um, Charlie...

Okay, your Charlie region.

No. Charlie. Your name,
isn't that your name? Charlie?

That's my name. Charlie.

That's good, Charlie.

I'm feeling much better.
I really am.

Why don't we just forget
all about this?

Really.

Uh, Sue, don't you think
that Mr. Uttanzi should take

a ride in with us for tests?

Absolutely. Oh, yes.

No, really. I'm fine.
I just haven't slept.

Well, it'll just take
a couple of minutes.

I can't. Not this morning.
Really.

I have to show my proposal.

Honey, take care
of these people.

Um, you know, I... I feel kind of
silly that we called you now.

I mean, I'm sure
nothing's really wrong.

Whoa, you can have them all.

Is this gonna go on forever?

Just till you respect me.

All right, I respect you.
Now, get lost.

Excuse me... Oh, I'm sorry.

She smiled at you.
She smiled.

Look at her.
Look what we've been missing.

Oh, come on, Bert.

It's not gonna hurt
to sneak a little peak.

Go on. Follow her.

What could happen?

Are you off your rocker?
I gotta get to work.

We got five more minutes.
It won't take long.

Trust me.

What am I doing?
I gotta get to work, here.

I got the most important meeting
of my whole life.

All right, so get her number
and call her after the meeting.

Oh. Come on, be a buddy.

I don't need this.

It's not your life anyway,
it's my life.

No, you lost her. She's gone.

You'll never see her again.

Oh, look.
She's waiting for you.

Oh, she's so shy.

Flash her those pearly whites,
please.

Oh...

Uh-oh.

A pleasurable,
floating domicile.

A floating hotel.

A "float-tel," if you will.

That is the concept that I would
like to give to you today.

Good morning, office.

Hey, good morning, sweetie.

Hey, I don't buy it.

He got it caught
in the revolving door.

Yeah. Well, you better hurry up.

Hey, the suits are inside, man.
Including the witch.

What? They brought
Mrs. Karamis?

Oh, boy.

Okay. Okay, well,
wish me luck.

Well, you'll be needing it.

Your horoscope says
to stay in bed all day.

Bert, we're the same side.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Sorry I'm late.
Uh, my, uh, kid...

Well, that's real nice of you
to share with us, Bert.

Go ahead.

Thank you.

Function.

Let's put the "fun"
back into "function."

That's what I believe...

Peter. Mm?

I'm getting bored.

this marina design
is all about.

Here in the hotel...

Art? ...is a functional...

We've, uh... We've had enough.

But I have more cards.

Some other time, sweetheart.

Thank you.

Bert.

Do you have something
to show us, Bert?

Is it my turn?

We'd love to see
your blueprints, darling.

She doesn't wanna see
the blueprints,

she wants to see me.

Go ahead. Whip 'em out
if you think it'll help.

Bert, look at her.

Go on, go ahead.

There you go.

See? There's nothing
to be afraid of.

All she wants
is a little passion,

little moonlight.

Little romance.

Romance.

Ro... Romance.

Romance. Right.

Romance?

Go ahead. Tell her.

That's all you want.

Good, Bert.

I mean, that's all
anybody wants.

She's still beautiful, Bert.

Little faded, little worn,
but timeless, elegant.

Elegant.

Timeless beauty.

These are the things
I respond to.

Old-world charm.

How about the blueprints, Bert?

Oh, forget him.

Forget 'em.

My vision is a clean, simple,
naked vision.

Right.

My vision is a marina
with an old-world charm.

A marina... Go for it, Bert.

that celebrates
the faded glory, the... The...

Decadence.

decadence of yesteryear,

the experience of joy.

Great.

Oh, forget them too, Bert.

We want Eleanor.

Right.

Oh, she's a Venus.

Venus?

Venice.

Bravo.

Oh...

Yeah. Venice.

Venice on the, uh...

Venice on the Harbor.

Venice on the Harbor.

I like it, Bert.

I like it.

Art, write that down.

And the ballgame is over.

Of course,

it needs some fleshing out.

Well, naturally, I'd be
happy to flesh it further.

Okay, I wanna shift
everybody over to this. Huh?

Everyone's gotta pitch in.

Now, in three weeks,
I'm gonna announce one of you

as project manager.

Bert, you know I love you
more than anybody else.

Nice work, Bert.

I hope you keep it up.

Bert, she's ready.

Well, thank you.
I'm... I'm glad you like my idea.

We're almost there.
Don't let go.

This is my office,
not a playground.

You're right.

So let's get out of here.
Take her to lunch.

What do you say?

I just need peace and quiet.

I'm not...

I... I'm not paying
any more attention to you.

This is exactly
my problem, Bert.

You ignore me.

Especially since
you married Anita.

Her name is Anette!

Relax. I know exactly what
you're going through, Bert.

My mother was in there with me.

"Humphrey, you'll never
amount to anything.

"You're not doing it right.

"Humphrey, don't eat
the potatoes.

They're for your father."

Hey, there he is.

Shit, they went
for your idea. Amazing.

What's so amazing about it?

Oh, nothing.

Were you there?

It's Karamis!

Hey, dudes.

What's happening?

Oh, boy, I almost forgot, there.

We've got a new junior partner

gonna be joining us
here pretty soon.

And her name is Janet Landerson

and she's coming
straight to us from Yale.

And she's mine.

Now, that means
if somebody is joining us,

somebody has got to leave.

Now, I wonder who
that's gonna be. Hmm?

Hey, Bert, did you know
75 percent of all American men

think theirs
is smaller than average?

Conklin. Old Petey here
is gonna be heading up

our new swank London office.

Thank you.

What can I say? I guess some
guys got it, some guys don't.

Hey, hey,
if he's going to London,

ask him if you can have
his place.

Peace and quiet. Privacy.

Congratulations.

Thank you. Did you know?

Eurotrash?
I thought that was post-Bauhaus.

Hi, honey.

Ooh.

That's Deli Delilah.

She makes the best
clam chowder in town.

Every Friday.

Does she deliver?

Oh, please.

Hey, it's survival
of the fittest.

I mean, after Art stole
his brilliant idea for the mall

off of my drawing board...

Last year? Yeah.

I decided to bunker down.

Listen, you can't trust anyone.

No, you can't.

Well, I know
I can't work at home.

Hey, I know what you mean.

Quiet. Uh, you know,
with my wife is there

and, you know,
the kid and the phone...

Right.

No wonder you're a wreck.

This is how I became
project manager.

I call it Dad
because he was the one

who used to get me
up and at 'em.

How many days you got?

Uh, 21.

All right.
Twenty-one days. Bert.

Twenty-one days,
and then it's back to Anita.

Anette.

Pardon me?

Anette. My wife's name.

I'm really gonna miss her.

Me too, Bert.

Well, she's a woman.
Um, she can understand.

Sure, no problem.

You know, my dad used to say,
"There's no sweeter perfume

for a woman
than her husband's success."

Oh, Bert. We're gonna get
a lot of work done here.

Yo, Bert.

How are you gonna create

when you're all
blocked up inside?

You've gotta seduce, Bert.

You've got to relax.
Let yourself go.

I'm doing this for you, Bert.

For your work.
I'm freeing you visually.

What the hell are you doing?

Yikes!

Sorry. Sorry.

You are out of control.

You are out of control.

Fine. Do what you want.

Fine.

All right.

Forget it. Forget it.
Forget I mentioned it.

If you feel
this threatened by it,

it's not worth it to me.
Okay?

You don't love me anymore.

Don't start smoking again.
Don't do that.

You don't need me,
you need your privacy.

I need you
and I need my privacy.

For three weeks.
I'm doing this for us.

You don't have to, Bert.
I love you the way we are.

Honey, don't you have
any ambition?

Look, it'll probably take you
a while to find a place...

No, no, I've got a place.

What?

Oh!

Wham-bam!

Go for it, Bert.

It's always good
when you've been fighting.

Are you crazy?

How can you wanna have sex?
We're fighting.

I couldn't tell. I thought
the fight was over.

I'm not a salad bar
you can help yourself to

whenever you get hungry.

I didn't just want your body.

I did.

I really didn't.

I wanted you.

I wanted all of you.

I know my body doesn't
look as good as it used to.

Why do you keep saying that?

You know that's not true.

Come on, your body looks great.

I crave your body.

This is exhausting.

Anette, Anette, listen to me.

Ugh.

I love you.
I love you. Body and soul.

Oh, boy.

Sometimes, my body

is out of control.

Oh, please.

It just...
It gets out of control.

And I... I can't control it.

It's that attracted to you.

But not only to you.

And only to you.
Only to you.

If you can't control it with me,

what will it do
when you live by yourself?

Good point.

Okay, I thought you wanted
to talk. You wanna be paranoid?

Look, I already told you.
That's my place of work.

That is just what I mean.

Your work is more important
to you then I am.

Look. Look at me.

I'm under an incredible amount
of pressure, here.

I've got 21 days
to make a name for myself.

Twenty-one days.

And all... All I wanna do

is just come home
to be with my wife.

To be with her.
Yes, maybe to make love to her.

What does that tell
you? You needed sex.

Yeah, so?

And that is not the same.

All you're thinking about
is your damn project.

That's not true. What,
do you think I am stupid?

I can feel what's
going on here, Bert.

What happened
to the Bert I married?

Nothing. That's what
I'm trying to tell you.

I want something to happen!

Yes.

I... I don't wanna be a slave
anymore.

All right!

I want us to have a house
with a garden.

And... And... And I wanna
take you and B.J. on...

On vacations. I wanna spend
more time with you.

What?

I just wanna be a good father
and husband again.

Bert! What about
a swimming pool?

These are your fantasies?

Excuse me.

I'm looking for the B-17
title search file.

Excuse me?

Hello?

That woman down there has it.
Perhaps you could share.

May I?

Oh, God, yes.

Bert, drop your pen.

Please.

Just... Just trust me
on this one.

Mm-hmm.

Dropped my pen.
Oh, God, you're witty.

You know why
those legs are obscene?

Because they're closed.

Why don't you
take your shoe off?

Well, well. Mm.

Have a little stretch. Hmm?

Just a little one.

Good.

Good.

Great.

Why don't you
take off your shoe?

Contact. We have contact.

All right, all right.
Don't panic, don't panic.

Back to business.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Come on,
lay flatter.

Ah-ha.

Relax. Take a breath.

We're getting somewhere. Mm.

Ah... Ooh...!

What the hell are you doing?

Who, me?

Hey, you're dragging me
through the gutter here.

I've got a reputation.

What do you have to show for it?

A tired wife, a loud kid
and a lousy job.

Hey, I love my wife.

I love my wife. I love my kid.

You are not gonna ruin it.

I let you fantasize.
I let you fantasize.

But don't ever, ever forget,

I'm the one in control.
Got some change?

I'm the one in control here.

I'm talking to you...
I'm the one in control!

Don't fuck with me.
I was in the goddamned Navy!

He's trying to control me.

You know, he tells me to do
things that I don't wanna do.

I don't.
I don't want to do them.

But, you know, there I am.
There I am doing them.

He's not talking to me
now, though.

Listen to this.
Can't hear him.

I can't.

God...

Oh, does this sound
crazy? No, no.

Mine talks to me
all the time, mister.

It ain't nothing weird.
Mine ever speaks French.

No. Yeah.

Hey, Humphrey, yours
talks like your mom, right?

You're under
a lot of stress, Bert.

I am? That's shit.
They can't talk.

But I hear mine.

I hear it all the time.

Maybe you should seek
professional help.

Helped me.

Hello.

Oh, stop it.

I'm not doing anything.

Oh, another thing,

uh, lock up your pencils.

The cleaning lady
sells them to the blind.

People have taken them...
Oh, Bert.

You're finally here.

Bert, Janet Landerson.

This is Bert Uttanzi.

I think we've met.

Hi, Bert.

Bert, this is our new co-worker.

Hmm, well, it's nice
to meet you, Miss Landerson.

I'm in heaven.

Well, as I told Arthur,

it's my pleasure to meet
and work with the two of you.

I expect to learn a lot.

Oh, God, let me teach you.

No!

I mean, yes.

Bert, did you get
those title searches

for me downtown like I
asked you to?

Yes, I did not,

because they're on the top
of my list of things to do.

And I'm gonna do it
first thing in the morning.

Um, I think I can
save you a trip.

I've already been
to the Hall of Records.

Oh, well, that's great.
Thanks, Janet.

That's using your head.

Just trying to do my job.

And I'm just trying to do mine.

Could I see you
in my office for a minute?

Sure.

Oh...

Bert, Bert, Bert, hey.
Relax.

Get ahold of yourself.

It's okay.

We're on a roll.

We're free.

We got a downtown loft,

and Karamis and his wife
love you.

Yeah, they're gushing.

And best of all, we're working
side by side

with the lovely and talented
Miss Janet Landerson. Hmm?

You could have had us arrested.

Could have, but didn't.

She liked it, Bert.
She likes you.

But you'd better
make a play for her fast.

A girl like that won't last
two weeks in this town.

The whole office
is gonna hit on her.

Gotta be bold, Bert. Come on.

Stop.

Adventurous, huh? The way you
were in the Hall of Records.

That was a new you, Bert.

And it drove her
wild. Shit! Wait.

Admit it... Listen.
Hey, shut up a minute.

When you took off your shoe,
huh?

This is my monastic retreat,
okay?

On this drawing board
I'm gonna design a marina,

so...

So undeniably...

So undeniably...

Hello.

Can I buy you a drink?

I'm happy to meet you.

I expect to learn a lot.

Call me Bert.

Bert? Your wife's on the phone.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Anette.

I was just thinking of you.

I am working.

And I'm thinking of you.

I'm ambidextrous.

Bert, I don't know.

Call it magic.
Call it an obsession.

Rome wasn't built in a day.

I think the canals
work a lot better on land

than they do in the river.

Go ahead, say it.

We used to call those, uh,
Coney Island whitefish.

I'm sure that Miss Landerson
needed to hear that, Bert.

He's making his move, Bert.

It's late
and I've gotta make a call.

He's definitely making his move.

Now he'll call Eleanor
and tell her he's working late.

Stop him, Bert. Say something.

Janet, uh, what say, uh...?

Wanna get a bite?

Talk about the project?

Hmm? You know? Gosh, Bert,

maybe some other time.

Janet!

Can you find your way home?

Sure. No problem.

Great.

What the hell
was with that whitefish crack?

I fucked up. Sorry.

You never made a mistake?

Janet? Look at her clothes.

Does that tell you something?

Tells me she's
an attractive lady.

Yeah, right. Hey, I fucked
someone like her once, man.

Hey, square business, okay?

High-class babe, right?

East Side apartment, art
and shit on the walls, right?

You know what the trick was?

No. I treated her like dirt.

Hey, you flatter them all,
bring them flowers, eh?

But when push comes to shove,
I pump 'em and I dump 'em.

Ah. Well, I'm all work
and no play these days.

Sublimate, sublimate.

Look at her sweat, Bert.

Oh, she's so hot.

Oh, those legs.

Janet's gonna take a while.

But this one is fast food.

She is just what we need
to build our confidence.

Nice workout, huh?

Hi. My name's Juliette.

Do you like margaritas?

Oh, yes. Yes.

Oh, it feels so good, Bertie.

How was it for you?

God. Really turned my whole
world upside down here.

I feel 20 years younger.

I'm really in a groove here.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

The best is yet to come, Bert.

Hello?

Sure, hang on a second.

Bert, your wife's on the phone.

Hello. How are you?

Uh, last night?

I was working last night.

What is it with women?

Honey, that's all I do here
is work.

They're like the fun police.

The minute someone's having
a good time:

I can't tonight, I'm sorry.

All right, pull over. Let's see
your marriage license.

We're not guilty, Bert.
We're not guilty.

Don't get mad at me.
Don't get mad at me.

L... Look, I have an idea.

Why don't you meet me at
Madison and 57th Street, okay?

I'll have a surprise for you.

Jesus.

You and I, we can separate
what's going on

from what's going on,

but not women.

Two sets of lips, one voice.

Shut your mouth...
C-can we talk about this later?

Okay. Five o'clock.

See you then. Bye.

Ah, Janet.

Get your hands off her.

Well, now, the overall...

The overall technique is, uh,
very impressive, yeah.

I think the implementation
is slightly amateurish.

See, Bert? There he goes.

Oh, well, it's not finished yet.

Your work is on the desk,

not across it.

Why can't you be that daring?

You know what you're
not supposed to do,

but they don't teach you
what you need to know.

Like building in water.

Hmm, let's see here.

I think you just have to

learn how to be
a little bit more daring.

May I? Please.

There you go.

It's just what I needed.

A professional touch.

Yeah. Sure. Thanks, Bert.

Listen, I'd love to talk to you
about the project in private.

Why you wanna
spend so much money?

Did you realize
how expensive this place is?

Honey, don't worry
about the price.

I know a great discount place.

Bert? Bert.

God... What do you think?

You look great.

Honey...

Are you sure it's not too,
um, daring?

No. No.

She looks too good.

Look at those guys.
Circling like sharks.

Uh, Bert?

Listen, I don't want you
to wear that

with anybody but me, got it?

Oh, I love when you're jealous.

So?

So let's get it.

Are you serious? Yeah, yeah.

Wanna have a romantic dinner?

How about French?

French. I can't.

Not because it's French.

Uh, because I... I'm gonna
meet this architect

that Karamis just hired and...

You know, he's new
at the office,

and Karamis wants me
to establish this relationship

with him.

I'm sorry, honey.
I just can't.

Well... Well, what's he like?

He's from Yale.

Oh, is he nice?

He... I don't know yet.

Mwah.

We just can't waste time.

If we're gonna do it,
we gotta move.

This is a complete
waste of time.

Janet, listen... Oh, boy.

I know we're competing
against each other,

but, uh, I just want you to know

that you can call on me anytime

if you ever need any advice.

Oh, great idea.

I... I really think
that the two of us

will eventually make
a very potent team.

Forget it.
She's not ready to bite.

Whoa, blond behind the bar!
You're taking over the company.

When do we start? I'm so...

Oh, yeah.

Bert? Bert.

Hmm?

I just had an idea
for that project.

You're amazing.

Forget Janet. You're gonna
pay for drinks, drive her home,

then get shut out.

All right, fine.
You're on your own.

You don't trust me? No.

Hmm. You're the
one who's amazing.

You absolutely amaze me.

I was wrong.

I could have sworn
she wasn't ready.

Oh, you amaze me.

Could you hand me
the clock, please?

Hmm? Oh, yeah.

Thanks.

Let's just hug, okay?
We're just friends, right?

What? What?

You didn't think because
I asked you to spend the night

that I wanted to do something
sexual with you, did you?

You see? You see?

Uh, no. I knew it.

No. Now do you believe me?

No. I just didn't
wanna be alone.

I told you. Oh.

I can understand that.

Kill her.

Well, I promise to be good.
I'd be better.

How about a little
good-night hug?

Okay.

Mwah.

That was nice.

Good night.

Mm. Good night.

Good night.

Come on, Bert.
Let me handle this.

You got us here,
now let me take over.

J-just move in a little closer,
okay?

You... You can pretend
you rolled over in your sleep.

Look, I made a promise to her.

Besides, this way she trusts us.

We'll build a reservoir
of goodwill.

She's gonna think you're a fag.

Bert. Bert.

That's it.

That's a sign.

She wants it.

She doesn't. She said so.

You don't have
the slightest idea

what women are all about,
do you, buddy?

I mean, has it ever
occurred to you

that they might just say
the opposite of what they mean?

Why would they do that?

Because they're too shy

to say what it is they want.

Now, if you don't make
some kind of move here,

she is never going
to respect us.

Come on.

That's it.

I know.

Slowly.

Gently.

Nice and soft.

Oh, yeah.

What?

Where are you going?

To think I thought
you were different.

We are.

Come on.

What?

Get out. Get out. Oops.

I told you she wasn't ready.
Get out of my house now.

Good night, Bert.
Good night, already.

Up, Bert! Good morning!

How come you always
wake up before I do, huh?

This is a beautiful day...

I'm not listening to you.
I'm not listening.

Come on, Bert. Days like this
can lift up one's spirits.

Life is short, Bert.

And I wanna remind you,
my life is even shorter.

I can't hear you.

Oh, hey, look, Bert.

Lingerie on parade, whoo!

So? So?

You have the imagination
of a horse.

How are you gonna go
from blueprint to building

if you can't even imagine women
in that lingerie?

Now, come on.
Hold it just a second,

Hold it, hold on
just a minute, now.

Think of Janet in those garters.

Or Anette in that
camisole. Ah...

Or Juliette, her pert nipples
poking through undulating...

Oh, God...

What? I wasn't doing anything,
just daydreaming.

Celebrating life.

You gotta live, Bert.

It's not gonna hurt just
to give them a little smile,

a little present.

You see? Huh?
You made her happy.

Her name's Arlene.

How do you know?

I just know.

You don't know people's names.

Yes, I do. Just do it. Arlene!

Arlene?

Wrong. I meant, Amy.

Amy!

Hi. How are you?

You gotta believe, huh, pal?

Amazing.

Christine.

Julie. Julie.

Hey, Julie.

Rhoda!

I... I've created a monster.

Oh, God.

Barbara!

Emily!

Eleanor!

Oops. Bert.

It's your own fault.

What are the odds of that?

About a million to one.

Bert, calling my name
in the street.

What will the neighbors think?

Neighbors?

Uh, can I help you with that?

Aren't you sweet?

How anyone as talented as you
can be so shy,

I'll never understand.

Join me for a drink?

I can't. Uh... Yeah,
gotta get back to the office.

Well, then let me
take you for a ride.

Well, we, uh, really can't.

Don't be silly, Bert.

I insist.

Cheers.

Well, looks like autumn
is in the air.

Ah.

I love it when the heat breaks.

Autumn's gonna have
its hot days too.

She's talking menopause.
She's talking weather.

Why does everything have to be
sexual with you?

Everything is.

Oh! Jesus! Oh!

Oh, God.

I'm so sorry. Oh...

I... Oh, my God.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, my legs.
Everything's soaked.

I am so sorry. Thank
you. Oh, my dear.

I am so sorry.
I don't believe...

You're doing fine.

Oh... Oh, God.

You know, I... I wanna tell you
how... How grateful I am

that... That, uh, you and, uh,
your husband have...

Have selected my, uh, project.

Well, our project.
You know, the thing is, uh,

Art and, um... Uh, Janet
are very good workers,

but they don't... They don't,

um, you know,
have their own conceptions.

And, uh, you just have
to tell them what to do.

You know, they're really good
at the follow-through.

And you?
How's your follow-through?

Bert, do you need a road map?

No. I mean, yes.

Yes. I mean...

Oh, I gotta get back
to the office.

I... Yeah, excuse me.

Yeah, I've really gotta
get back to work.

Good for you.

Smart. We were there.
She was ready.

I was set.

Thank you.

Hello, Peter.
It's your one and only.

Now, listen, dear.

I have hunch there's more to
Bert Uttanzi than meets the eye.

I'm afraid if we don't give him
a little encouragement,

we might lose him.

Well, you're absolutely correct,
my camellia of chastity.

Everyone needs a little pat
on the ass now and then.

What were you thinking?

She's the boss's wife.
I could lose my job.

So you rejected her?
Are you out of your mind?

She's gonna fire your ass.

You won't just lose your job,
you'll lose everything.

Your home, the loft,
Anita, Janet, Juliette.

What is your problem?

I'm a loser.

I know. I know.

Nobody loves me.

And nobody wants me. Oh.

Why was I born?

You married a failure.

The biggest.

And we're gonna have
to move out of here.

Good. Out of our home.

Maybe we could move in
with her sister.

B.J. won't be able
to go to college.

And he's gonna grow up

to be ashamed of his own father.

Shh.

Everything is gonna be okay.

You can always get another job.
Not like Robbie.

He was a real loser.
That's why I left him.

And you're gonna leave me.

No, I'll never leave you.

Oh, great.

That's just it.
You'll never leave me.

I'm trapped.

I'm never gonna get out of here.

I'll dig us out of here, Bert.

Trapped, hmm?

You're trapped?

That's right.

How do you think I feel?

Who cares?

Promises, promises, promises.

"Everything's gonna be different
when I get my degree,

when I get my job,
when I land this project."

I don't wanna dream
of a different life anymore.

You know what? I can't take it
anymore. Do you hear me?

I just can't take it!

She's beautiful
when she's angry.

You know,

you're really very, very
beautiful when you're angry.

What?

You don't have to put up
with this.

Oh, God. Bert.

She wants it, Bert. Bert!

They both do.

Hello.

Why don't you just admit it?

You're both crazy about me.

Bert!

What say we three, uh,

keep it all in the family?

Now we're talking.

You're disgusting.

Don't you speak
to my husband that way.

That's telling them, Anita.

Anita? Oops.

Get out.

Get out of my house,
you rat bastard.

Right now.

Sing it, buddy.

Oh, hi, there.

Hello.

Can I get you anything?

Lox with cream cheese
on a bagel?

Roast beef

with mayo on rye?

A double-decker?
Triple-decker?

Anything you want.

Welcome to your new office,

Mr. Acting Project Manager
Pro Temp.

Pro Temp?
What's that?

Temporary. Oh.

Bert, I thought you'd appreciate
a little privacy

as you climb up
the corporate ladder.

This mine? No,
that's not yours.

Bert, you see,
the job isn't really yours.

Now, I... People, I want
everybody to hear this.

I don't want any slacking off
just because it seems like

Mr. Venice mastermind
has the upper hand.

Come on.

Ha-ha.

I tried to put everything
the way it was

back in the old place.
It looks great, really.

Guess what just grew
another inch.

Okay, people, party's over.
Come on.

Let's get back to work.

Could you change those pants?

Oh, Bert.
One more thing.

You know that I love you
more than anybody else.

Yeah. But my wife and I...

are gonna be
having drinks...

Yes. Yes. Here.

City council. No.

Yeah, labor guys.

Yeah. I've been showing them
some of your work

and I think we're gonna be able
to get some of those approvals

we talked about.
That'd be great.

Yeah. Bert, see,
the important thing

is that if you get there early,
say around 9:30 at the club,

kind of talk to them,
loosen them up a little bit.

Get to know them before
I formally announce you

as project manager.

Bert, I'll make you a deal.

One more time and then
I'll let you work forever.

I promise.

One last quickie,
then back to work, Bert.

I'm a human being.
I want to talk.

I want you to talk to me.

About what?

About yourself.

What you do every day.

Your work.

Juliette, my work is the last
thing I wanna think about.

Well, that's a good one.

Why is it I never have a decent
conversation with a man?

Just with men's bodies?

I can answer that.

I have a mind too.

We know that.

But your body is so great.

Oh.

Oh, don't cry.

Don't. Don't.

Chi-Chi.

You know what I'm dreaming of?

What?

That someday,

I'll find a man who only wants
to talk to me.

Only? Oh, my God.

What do you mean, "only"?

It's very important.

Otherwise, how does a woman know
if a man truly loves her

and not just her body?

When I ask men
if it's just physical,

they say no.

But how do I know
they're not lying?

Let me talk to her again
for a minute.

Oh.

Juliette, I'm s...

I'm sorry. I don't... I don't
know about these other guys.

I think... Bert.

I... I like... Well...

Don't tell her you love her.

I l...

I... I... I love...

Don't say it, Bert.

Somebody else?

Whoa, saved. What?

Do you love somebody else?

I think so.

Do you sleep with her?

No.

Not yet.

Oh, God.

What a lucky woman.

Congratulations, Bert.

Oh, for me.

Well, it's just sort of my way
of saying

I'm sorry I was so tired
the other night.

I'm ready, Bert. Well, I'm not.

I mean...

Janet,

there'll be plenty of time for
us to get to know each other.

You know? Besides,

we have an awful lot of work
ahead of us here.

Yeah, well, that's why I was
thinking that maybe tonight

we could go to the bar and, um,
you know, discuss the project.

I'm free. I...

I don't think so.
Some other time though.

What?

Sure.

Could you get the door?

Thank you.

That's it, I quit.
Do you hear me?

You and I are finished.
Finito. Kaput.

Goodbye, pal. The woman
of both our dreams comes in,

throws herself at us,
and you turn your back on her?

After all I've done for you.

I d... I don't wanna...
Look, I... I... I want... I want...

I can't... Oh, g... What in
God's name is happening to us?

It's a little early
for Janet now.

I'm gonna save her.

She's ready, Bert.
Shame on you, Bert Uttanzi.

If I'm having a meal,

and there's one thing I like on
my dish more than anything else,

what should I do? Eat it.

Wrong.

Save it.
Save it for last.

And then savor it.

That is sick. I say eat it
first and go for seconds.

It's not sick.
It's not sick.

It's called control.

Oh, yeah? Well,
then it's not what I want.

Oh, it is so what you want.
You just don't realize it.

Oh... Oh, yes, massah. Ho!

Control controls the universe.

I think my real reward

is just being in such
distinguished company.

I've grown up with a lot of you.

You're all my idols.

Sure, there were
sleepless nights

where even I doubted the wisdom
of the Venice project,

but through it all,

I had a vision.

Bert, uh...

What is happening to you?

These are the fantasies
of a eunuch.

I brought you
some more coffee, Bert.

Oh, great.

Hey, you really work hard,
don't you?

Well, I gotta have this ready
by 9:30.

You know,

if Karamis and this council guy
like this,

I think I'm home free.

You deserve it.

Thanks, Corazon.

This is torture.
How much longer?

At least three and a half
more hours.

How long is that?

"How long is that?"

You really have to meet
this city council guy?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Bert, you're in a rut.

There's no way
he's gonna like this.

Shut up.

Why do you think Leonardo
painted his Mona Lisa?

Since when do you know anything
about art?

I don't give a shit about art,
but I inspire it.

I'm inspiring.

You're annoying.

Great artists have always been
Casanovas.

Yeah? What great work of art
did Casanova ever produce?

You mean, why do people
still talk about him?

Do you need me for anything
else, Mr. Uttanzi?

Ding-a-ling-a-ling!

Uh, no, thanks.

Well, at least tell her
how pretty she looks.

That color looks great on you.

Oh, thank you.

I've always loved this office.

I can't imagine
what's keeping him.

I know he wouldn't miss
meeting you for the world.

Yeah, yeah, tell me about it.

The Venice project.
Venice, Venice, sure.

Venice celebrates, uh...
My vision for this

is a faded glory, a decadence,
a romance with the past. A...

It celebrates old-world charm.

The vision here is a clean,
simple, naked one, Stu.

It's a doable deal. Excuse me.

A doable deal?

He wants to talk to you.
Bert?

Mm-hmm. Sure.

Hi, there, kiddo.

Bert?

Mr. Gazzo is right here.

He's looking forward
to meeting you.

Yeah. Hey, Bert.

Huh?

You... You're working
on something, Bert.

Now I get it.

This is Bert Uttanzi.

I'm not in right now. Wait for
the beep, leave a message

and I will call you back.

You're wasting your time.
He's still not home.

You know, this is exactly
what Robbie did to me.

I don't mean to upset you,

but, uh, he's definitely
screwing someone.

I hate to say it.

Goddamn it, Bert, you said
it wasn't just physical.

Jackpot!

What a night!

Hey. Hey!

You've ruined everything.

Bert, Bert. What
are you trying do?

You ruined everything.

You're upsetting the ladies.

What are you doing, man?

Look, I've been up for hours.
Don't take that tone with me.

Not one peep. Not one peep
out of you.

Hello, Bert?

This is Eleanor Karamis.
Oh, great. Great!

Sorry we missed you tonight,
Peter and Stu Gazzo and myself.

Now, I thought you had realized

how very important
this meeting was

and I'm calling to say
apparently you didn't think so.

We waited and waited
for you to come.

That's it. Bert, please.

That's it. You're a monster.

Get serious.

You are ruining my life.

No, no.

I'm not gonna go on living
with a monster.

It's really gonna hurt, Bert.

Ooh, there is a God.

Anita.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, come in.

I didn't mean
to throw you out for good.

Just for the night.

Well, I was pretty drunk.

Nice place.

It's not a home.

Bert, I miss you.

I miss you too.

I love you so much.

Bert, don't get mad at me.

Flirt.

She's gonna know
I've been somewhere else.

You can't...
You can't do this to me.

Oh, yes, I can.

I'm unclean, Bert.

Anette, please.

I'd hate to be you right now.

Bert, what is it?

She'll know right away.

I just... I just can't.

What do you mean you can't?

I'm really... I'm just...

I'm... I'm really
just overworked.

That never stopped you before.

I just can't.

Bert Uttanzi can't get it up
because he's tired?

Oh, that's... That's a good one.

It's not true.

It's true.

Anita, don't listen to him.

I've really been pushing myself.

Oh, I bet you've
been pushing yourself.

Okay, Bert, who is she?

Who is she?

You're dead meat.

Who?

What...?
What are you talking about?

How can you say that to me?

You know,
I move out of the apartment,

I don't think, uh, it means
I would change that much.

Unless you're trying
to tell me something.

Good move, Bert.

Are you...?
Are you seeing somebody?

I could never do that to you.

Exactly.

That's exactly what I'm saying.

I could never do that to you,

so why would you think
you could do that to me?

Huh? Why would I think that?

You know,
I am so wrapped up in my work

that if I did take
you to bed, I... I...

I wouldn't be thinking
about you.

I'd be thinking about my work,

because I've gotta be honest
with you now:

all I think about is work.

Yeah, of course
I think about you.

I think about you,

but I think about you
because I think about work

and I can't take you to bed.
If I made love to you,

I wouldn't...
I... I... I shouldn't,

because I love you too much.

I do. I just love you

too much.

Honey, it would make me happy
just to make you happy.

Pinch me.

You'd make me much happier

if we waited until...

Until you weren't doing this
just to make me happy, but...

But rather when I was
gonna make you happy.

When I make you happy,

then we'll make each other
so much happier.

She's never gonna swallow this.

Maybe... Maybe this...
I don't know.

Maybe this separation
was good for us.

All of a sudden I... I feel like

you're talking to me
and listening.

Bert, you're sharing
with me. Yeah.

As long as you
explain your feelings,

we'll never, ever,
ever have any problems.

Why don't we save this
for another time

when we're both ready?

Okay. Okay?

Okay. I love you.

I love you. Oh, I love you too.

Nobody understands me
better than you.

What's this?

I don't know. That must have
been something

that was left around here
from before I moved in.

What? What?

My sister said
you were fooling around,

but I didn't believe her.

I trusted you,

because I thought I knew you.

Bert, get out.
We're history.

You are out of
control. I'm sorry.

Did you say something, Judas?

Oh, Bert. Judas penis!

Bert, things could be worse.

Hey, good morning,
Bert. Morning.

Good morning,
Mr. Uttanzi.

Morning.

When there's someone you want
out of your life,

you know what you want to do:

you take a picture
of him that's bothering you,

you burn it up in an ashtray,

then you blow the ashes away
and he be gone with them.

Corazon. Mm-hmm.

I know, I know.
A large coffee, light and sweet.

Just like a junkie. Tony? Tony.

I'm just a love machine,
right, Mr. U?

Look, listen, uh,

has anybody seen, uh,
Mrs. Landerson around here?

Janet? No. Mm.

Bert? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm.

Yeah? Mm-hmm.

You don't love me anymore,
do you, Bert?

Listen, Peter,
I'd like to explain

about what happened last night.

Don't.

You don't believe in this
voodoo hoodoo, do you?

No, no. No.
No pictures, please.

Uh, Bert?

Bert. Bert.

You're gonna miss me
when I'm gone.

Look, hey, can't we make
some sort of deal?

I'm the only friend you've got.

Bert, no, no. Don't be hasty.
Bert? Bert, no... No...

Oh...! Oh...! Oh...! No!

Bert, I'm melting!

Melting. Oh. Oh!

What a world, what a world...

Rest in peace, buddy.

Ashes to ashes.

Right?

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!

Right?

Jesus, he's gone.

He's gone.

He's gone. He's gone.
He's gone.

Right.

Bert? I need to talk to you.

I... I just want you to know

there's no excuse
for what happened.

I honestly meant to work, but...

Come on, Bert,
don't be such a prude.

Besides, you both look so cute

with your little
buns in the air.

How can I explain this to you?

For men it must
be what it's like for me

when I don't get enough
bran in my diet

and then I just get
all bottled up inside.

It's... It just makes you
feel terrible after a while.

It's... It's just biological,
right?

Yeah.
A little bit.

Can I cook you dinner tonight?

I hate myself.

You shouldn't.
I mean, you're...

I'm drunk, Bert Uffanzi.

Uttanzi.

Why does life
have to be so unfair?

I know, I know.
I know, I know.

It's the same old story,
you know?

Married man, powerful,
has cheap fling

with younger woman.

You're not just a fling.

No?

No.

I mean, I know that, you know?

I... I know that's true...

You're so sweet, Bert.

You're good.
You're sensitive.

You're not just
interested in sex.

I'm not. Mm-mm.

I mean, I'm really not.

No, I know.

Oh, God, I wish I could
be attracted to you.

Take me, Bert, take me.

Janet, wait.

You don't like me?
Even you?

I just... I don't want
to rush into it.

Why not?

Because, uh, it's just...

What I feel for you
is different.

It's different.
I like you, Janet,

and I don't want to cheapen it.
You know, spoil it.

Make it like something else.

You're not attracted to me?

That's not it.
I'm very attracted to you.

Oh, Bert.

I feel sexual desire for you.

Such strong sexual desire
for you that...

That I... I want to channel it.
Oh, channel it, Bert.

Into something
more spiritual. Yes.

You know, that'll...
That'll explode or... or...

No, better, blossom into
something 10 times more...

More, um... Uh...
God, what's the word.

Um, uh, you know...

Meaning. Yeah.

Beauty. Mm-hmm.

Depth. Yeah, all that,

but what I'm saying, Janet, is:

I... I want...
I want it... I want...

Oh, God. What?

Platonic love.

Yeah.
That's what I'm saying.

Oh.

Like Gandhi.

Yeah.

I can't believe
what I'm hearing.

I can't believe what I'm saying.

You're not like other men, Bert.

Not now.

It's no wonder women love you.

You're not only successful,
but you're good, Bert.

You're pure.

Everybody else just
wants to use me.

I'm so used to being used.

Hello?

No. Yes.

Look, I'll see you
if you want to see me,

but I'm telling you right now
that we're through.

No, it has nothing
to do with Bert Uffanzi.

Uttanzi.

Look, for the hundredth time,

there's nothing between
Bert and me.

Peter... Goodbye.

He's gonna be here
in five minutes.

You gotta go. Karamis?

And take the flowers with you.

Anette?

Hello? Anette?

Here. Take the keys.

Okay, you come in.
Come on.

Would you like some flowers,
please?

You might want some.

Would you like some flowers?

Would you please
like some flowers?

Flowers, do you want
some flowers?

Why not? Why not?

So effective today,
and that's immediately,

Janet is our new
project manager.

Wait a minute.

That's my office.

These are my...
These are my drawings.

This project is my idea.

Your ideas belong to me.

All right, you cowboys
are the nuts and bolts

of this whole deal, right?

Now, I want Project Janet
launched now.

Do something.

Must have some set
of blueprints, Bert.

Yeah.

I heard that, buster.

You get out of my chair.

Welcome home, Bert.

Have some coffee,
Mr. Uttanzi.

Thank you.

Gee, she just got here
and she's made project manager.

How can that be?

Politics.

Damn right, Humph.

Hey, it's not what you know,
it's who you blow, right Mr. U?

Tony, please.

Looking forward to the dinner
party tonight, Bert?

Project Venice.

What a stupid idea.

I mean, look what's
happening to Venice.

It's sinking.

Hello, darlings.

Good morning, Mrs. Karamis.

Oh, yeah,
I'm so tight back there.

Well, actually, I haven't...

I can't wait to see you
at our dinner party tonight.

I'll be making my little
announcement then.

Might even have
a surprise for you.

Well, smile, darling.

You scratch my back,
I'll scratch yours.

Think about it.

I've apologized to you
a million times.

Look.

You know how important
Mrs. Karamis is to me.

She's my last chance.

I know what'll wake you up.

Hmm?

Look, she's cute.

I mean, she really is cute.
Look at those knockers. Huh?

Come on, she's nice.

Come on, jump up on the page.

Well, maybe we can call up
a little friend of yours, hmm?

Hmm? I can talk your language.

Hi, honey. So glad you called.

Come on, big boy.
Give it to me now.

Fill up my hot, wet honeypot.

Ooh, I feel you sliding
all the way in.

And if you'd like to hear
more of me...

And what are thy sins, my son?

I insulted and hurt

my... My best friend
in the world.

Why, my son?

Because he lead me astray.

Repeatedly.

When my brother
trespassed against me,

didst thou tell
his fault to him,

between thee and him alone?

Oh, all the time,
but he wouldn't listen.

So I... I kind of told him

to get lost and he did.

Shuteth not the gates
of the temple to him,

but let light shineth
on the altar

that he may findeth
his way back to the fold.

Let light shineth...

upon the altar.

Oh, come on.

I'm not that ugly, am I?

It's a miracle.
It's a miracle!

He's back!

He's back!
I'm saved!

I'm damned.

I can't live with you
and I can't live without you.

All right!

He's back!

I'm back in the ball game, yeah!

Monuments. It's beautiful.

European monuments
here in the States.

Did you hear that?

He has a pension in France.

Last time we had this trouble
was when we were in Venice.

Now, Bert,
why'd you bring me here

if you're just gonna
sit and watch?

Not as hot as it sounds
where you're from.

What is that, Hotlanta?

Hotlanta, that's very clever.
No, it's Mobile.

Mobile. Right.

You've got to get her attention.

Say something.

You know something?

Could you pass the sugar,
please?

God, this is dull.

Dull, huh?

Well, you all ought
to be under the table

where the real action is.
It's a jungle down here.

We just love those gondolas.

I think if we take buildings

from Europe stone by stone...

Looks like Art's
gonna get a new client.

But seriously.

Someone's getting a raise.

Great. Love it.

And Janet's looking good
for project manager.

How are you doing, Bert?

It's survival of the fittest...

You picked... You picked...

for, everyone.

Put her hand on me, Bert.

Now.

Venice in New York?
A brilliant idea.

And without the stench
they got there in Europe, huh?

I'm sure I can get
the council to approve.

Now I can't wait to hear
who my dear Eleanor

has chosen to do it.

Well, you're just gonna
have to wait

until after dinner, darling.

Just do it.

To Venice.

To elegance.

To romance.

To fun. To Eleanor.

Bingo.

I knew it.

She's a real woman.

So, Bert,

I'm afraid I had a little
too much to drink tonight,

you must warn me
if I start acting giddy.

Shouldn't worry.

Shouldn't I?

You know, I wish they'd
just leave well enough alone

when it comes to those marinas.

Absolutely. I couldn't
agree with you more.

You know, I find that
today's marinas are just...

And harbors, they are just
so h-h-homogenized.

Go, Bert.

You know, it's getting so you
can't even smell the fish.

I hate that smell.

Peter, why don't you show
our guests to the parlor?

I... I don't believe
these lovely wives

have seen the model
of our project.

Of course, dear.
Certainly.

Everybody, should we
go into the parlor?

Janet, let me get your chair.

Thank you, Stu.

You know, he goes his way
and I go mine,

but he doesn't do anything

or choose anyone
without my approval.

Bert?

Now, I'm gonna go freshen up.

In the meantime, could you
just do me the tiniest favor?

Sure.

My... don't you look special.

Peter... I mean, Admiral Karamis.

Read it for me, darling.

April 15th, uh, "Why, admiral...

Why, admiral, you swept me
off my feet in there... "

That... That's mine.
That's mine.

Why, admiral,

you swept me off
my feet in there.

This is kind of pervy, Bert.

"How can that be, Miss Elea,

when you're already
tighter than air?"

"Tighter than... "? "Lighter."

Lighter. "Lot lighter...

Sorry.

than air."

Why, admiral.

How forward of you.

You take my breath away.

Pick me up.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I feel dizzy.

What is this sensation?

Um...

"Nothing to fear,
as long as you are in my arms,

you are safe and sound."

Throw me on the bed.

Oh, admiral.

Take me, admiral.

Protect me.

"No, you mustn't."

No? Yes.

Where?

No, that's me.

Come on.

Are you okay, Bert?

I'm getting, uh,
a little scared.

"Oh, Elea."

Oh, no, admiral, you mustn't,

I pray thee.

I mustn't?

Mm-mm, mm-mm.

Nope. No.
No, no. No. No, Bert.

You're on your own.

Bert, I have to make
an announcement soon.

I am not a whore.

Then you better make it.

And you call yourself a man.

Oh...

I'm sorry.

There goes my career.

But I'll make it up to you.
I promise.

There comes a time

when you know what's right
and what's wrong,

and you have to make a stand.

Well, that's why we didn't.

Hey, don't get personal.

If you knew what these people
were really like,

you'd know we did
the right thing.

You and me together,
we're better than any of them.

I would like to toast to a woman

whose career as an architect

will be so brilliant,
I can only compare her to a...

A young, uh... A young...

Frank Lloyd Wright.

Right.

Our project manager:

Miss Janet Landerson.

There's no reason
to be afraid of these people.

I'll prove it to you.
Listen up, Bert.

I'm gonna tune you into
a whole new frequency.

I don't believe
what I'm hearing.

Bert, there are my brothers.
Brothers, meet Bert.

Hi, Bert. How you doing, guy?

Hey, come on. Come on over.

Don't be shy, Bert.

Don't be standing around.
Join the party.

Hi, guys.

Oh, she's really something.

Isn't she wonderful?

Yeah, that's the kind of bimbo
I used to go for,

but now the big guy
is afraid of his camel.

They're all afraid. No guts.

He doesn't love me anymore.

Aw.

Bert.

Where you been?
Are you all right?

Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I'm just... I...

I'll tell you the truth.

I disgust his wife,
she won't even touch me

and still he's faithful.

For this I went through puberty?

Puberty. Those were the days.

You're right, I never slept.

What's so sad?

Art, you promised
we'd be home by 10.

I said we'd leave by
10. No, you didn't.

Don't kiss me.

You think you got it bad,
feel sorry for me.

I thought I had it real good.
I never had to deal with women.

It used to be one big party,

but nowadays all I do

is sit at home
and watch him cook.

Oh, you lonely, lonely guy.

I never understood
guys like that.

Me neither. Doesn't know
what he's missing.

No egg? No egg.

How do you make pasta
without an egg?

I'd rather be lonely
than lovestruck.

Who's that? It's your boss.

Where? Oh, God.

He married Eleanor for money.

What better reason?

Never, never, never, never,
never, never compromise.

Never. I'll never
compromise.

He only lets me play
with her once a year.

Under the Christmas
tree. Oh! No.

And the other one,
she's using him completely.

Who? Who, Janet?

I'd like her to use me.

He's a fool for her.

She fakes orgasms
and he thinks it's love.

Janet fakes orgasms?

Oh, just to get a job?

What a waste. What waste...

Peter... Ahem, Bert, I think
we've heard quite enough

of your liquor-fed
hallucinations.

I told Peter to fire
your ass weeks ago.

You're fired.

I had no idea how sad
it is for you guys.

Sad? It's a nightmare.

Don't worry about us.

Remember us to the outside.

You two can really go places.

Stay well, amigos. Bye, guys.

So long, Bert. See you, Bert.

Aren't they a lovely couple?

Jeffrey, bolt the door.

I wish him well. Yeah, me too.

Well, back to Hula-Hoop
champagne.

Oh, champagne's the worst
thing in the world.

If only I'd known.
You see, Bert?

Knowledge is power.

Sure. Now that
I've lost it all.

- Bert, don't you get it?
- I can help you.

You can't even give me
a moment's peace.

Well, how about a week?

I need three years.

I'll give you two.

Weeks or years?

Years.

Deal. Peace.

You know, I miss Anita.

Her name is Anette.

Oh... Oh, Bert.

You must be this
beautiful woman's husband.

That's right.

It's so nice to meet you.

Oh, the master builder is back.

I've heard a lot about you.

Huh.

Hi, honey.

It was really nice meeting you.

Come here, you big lug.

Oh!

Ooh, I missed you so much.

Home sweet home.

I missed you too.

Honey.

Mm-hmm?

Did you really
have somebody else

while you were gone?

No.

Yes.

But it was only once
and it wasn't me, it was him.

Oh, sure, blame it on me.

Ow.

You really do understand me,
don't you.

No, I don't.

I can't sleep.

I hear voices.

Well, you just come right here,
you little ragamuffin.

Come here, honey.

I missed you like crazy.

Oh, I haven't seen you
in so long.

Daddy's home. What
are you...? What?

You want to look at your
daddy for a second?

Just one split...?
Come on, I need...

Where are you
going? What is this?

He's gonna watch TV.
Oh, honey, please, don't.

Honey, television?

The lady wants television?

Say, "I totally forgot you."

Look at my face.
Do I look familiar?

Daddy!

Another classic
American success story.

This is Uttanzi Tower,

the newest jewel
in the city's crown,

and with us today is the man

who designed and built it all:
Bert Uttanzi.

But how did you get the city to
choose you over the Karamis'?

Well, you need
at least one friend.

Yep.

And you have to realize
that every man has two sides:

what he says he wants
and what he really wants.

And once you figure out what he
really wants, you got him by...

Don't say it. ... the heart.

And you need the love
and support of your family.

And what a lovely
family you have.

I see here your wife,
Mrs. Anette Uttanzi...

Bert, I gotta admit,

it's a beautiful moment.

I am so proud.

And to think it only
took us two years.

Uh, and speaking of two years,
that newsgirl is kind of cute...

All right, that's enough.

Thank you, Mr. Uttanzi.

Oh, Bert, spring is in the air.

Come on, B.J.,
Daddy has to work now, okay?

Daddy will be home soon.

Thank you.

Good morning, Mr. Uttazni.
Good morning, Mr. Uttanzi.

Morning.

Oh, it's been so long.
Convert.

Good morning, Mr. Uttanzi.
It won't hurt to look.

You know, there's one thing
you still haven't told me.

Women. What's the deal with
them and their, you know,

their...? Come on.
Does theirs talk to them?

Who cares?

Come on, Bert.
Flash them those pearly whites.

Good morning.

Yes. Bert, what could happen?