Original subtitles

[festive music]

- Ma'am, please.

My son really wants that Block Stax Space set

for Christmas, and you got the last one.

I'll give you 50 bucks more than what you paid for it.

- Sorry, but my husband's obsessed with Block Stax.

This is the best chance I have at saving our marriage.

- You look like you could use a pretzel.

- Oh. - They sell 'em back there.

- Gordo, I know you want that Block Stax set,

but do you know what I saw in there that's even cooler?

A Cardi B action figure.

[as Cardi B] Oww.

- Sounds like you want that.

And I'm not worried about getting that toy,

'cause I can just ask my favorite old man.

- Thank you, Chance. That's very sweet.

- Santa!

- Forget that weirded beard-o.

Santa plays favorites.

- [chuckles awkwardly] Santa doesn't play favorites.

He loves all children.

- Not if your name is Lopez.

I asked Santa Claus for the same toy every year.

And did I get it? No!

- What toy?

- Only the greatest toy of my childhood,

a ventriloquist dummy.

- Were you a child in the 1920s?

- Santa sucks.

Just ask Steve the reindeer, who lost his spot

once Rudolph showed up.

Red-nosed kiss ass.

- Ho, ho, ho.

Santa is a friend to all,

unless you forget to leave out milk and cookies.

- Yeah, you take one bite and leave the rest of it there

with your babas behind.

It's selfish and wasteful.

- How dare you? I bike to work, sir.

Security, get this naughty boy out of here.

- Sir. - All right.

Hey, Santa, if you come down my chimney,

I'll be waiting right there, though, with a baseball bat

because I'm part of the Eighth Street Elders.

That's not even a gang sign. That's arthritis.

[upbeat saxophone music]

? ?

[jingle bells ringing]

- Nice.

- The bells can go wherever you want.

[bells clattering]

[sighs] I was expecting Rosie.

She's supposed to help me decorate.

And by "help me," I mean boss me around till I cry.

[chuckles]

- I'm here.

- Oh, good.

I-I thought you might have forgotten

we were gonna decorate.

- No, I just came to get some ice cream

'cause I ate all of mine for breakfast.

- Rosie, are you feeling OK? - Yeah.

I didn't even know you owned sweats.

But don't get me wrong, you still look hot.

- Ew. [sighs]

I'm just not into Christmas this year.

This would have been the week I married Josu�

if he hadn't been sneaking under the mistletoe

with every ho, ho, ho in town.

- I'm sorry, Rosie,

but you are la reina de Navidad.

It is not Christmas without your decorations.

- Well, you've seen them. Close your eyes and remember.

- OK.

But the neighbors haven't seen them,

and we applied to be the final Posada house this year.

- Mm. I love Posadas.

Beans, cheese, a little guacamole.

[giggles]

- That's tostadas.

Las Posadas are when people go from house to house,

reenacting when Mary and Joseph were turned away.

- Mm, I campaign every year to be the final house

where Jesus is born, and everyone comes and celebrates,

but every year, the church always

gives it to that old virgin,

Irma Valdez.

- Wow.

I don't know if you noticed, but Rosie's depressed.

Do you think I have a shot?

- No, we gotta do something to bring back her Christmas cheer.

It is Chance's favorite holiday.

- It's official. Santa sucks!

I'm tapping out on Christmas this year.

Call me when Valentine's Day rolls around.

- What happened?

- My dad threatened to start a gang fight

with Santa in front of Chance and a bunch of children.

- George, in this house, we believe love is love,

science is real, and Santa is magical.

- And I believe in protecting Chance

from any disappointment when he doesn't get

the toy that he asked for.

- And I believe in protecting his innocence.

He's nine,

and we don't have many Christmases left

before he turns into the biggest scrooge of them all,

a teenager.

Hey, listen up here, vato.

If you don't want to spend Christmas alone in your truck,

you'll make Santa magic again.

- Why must I solve every problem

in this family that I create?

? ?

- I'm here.

[sighs] - Rosie!

I'm glad you decided to get some Christmas gifts.

- Yeah, well, thank goodness for Prime delivery.

I waited till the last minute.

- Are you gonna to them? - No.

There's a smile on the box. That's enough Christmas cheer.

I got you beard-growth serum

to help you with your #BeardGoals.

- Oh. Thank you.

You know I've been trying to daddy up this baby face.

[chuckles]

I got something for you too.

Good news. The church called.

They said, we are going to be the final Posada house.

- Whose house? Posada house.

- Well, what happened to Irma?

She's hosted the birth of Jesus

since the actual birth of Jesus.

- [chuckles]

Yeah, Irma can't do it because she fell down a well.

- A well?

- She's not well. She is not feeling well.

And now Rosie, la reina,

gets the ultimate honor

bestowed by Our Lady of Soledad Church.

Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!

- That's great news!

I mean, not for Irma, but that's her problem.

Well, out of my way.

La reina's gotta get her decorations.

Jesus was born in a pigsty once.

I am not gonna let that happen again.

Oh, no. [laughs]

- It's amazing how Irma's not feeling well

because she fell down a well.

- I lied. Irma's fine.

- Guess she landed in water.

- No, I lied about us being the final Posada house

because Rosie needed cheering up.

- Right? Her friend did just fall down a well.

- No, Oscar.

She-she-

yeah, she's in a well.

- Ho, ho, ho, ho.

[as Santa] Surprise!

It is me, Papi Christmas.

The OG from the NP,

here to wish my favorite family,

the Lopezes, a merry "Chrima' Ee'."

- Really? I thought you didn't like us.

- What? How could you say that?

I love you,

especially that little handsome devil,

George Lopez.

- Handsome?

I think you mean Mario Lopez.

- [with normal voice] That loco Mario-I mean...

[as Santa] That loco Mario Lopez,

he's Italian.

- I know it's you, Grandpa.

Santa smells like candy canes, not hot dog water.

- [gasps]

Is that the real Santa in my kitchen?

- If you think that's Santa,

you're even more delulu than Grandpa.

- Damn it, Dad.

Santa doesn't have an accent.

- You don't know that, stupid.

[cell phone beeping]

- My mommy group chat says the mall got more Block Stax sets.

Also, there's a flasher on the food court.

Oh, but it's on the other side of the mall, so it's fine.

- There's a flasher, yet I'm the one who's banned.

- But Santa's not banned. So keep your suit on.

You're going with me. - What?

- The only way that we're gonna restore

Christmas magic for Chance is if you make peace with Santa.

- Oh, man. Do I have to?

- Suck it up!

It's time for holiday joy.

Chance, get in here.

We're gonna go to the mall. - Oh, man.

Do I have to?

- Suck it up!

It's time for holiday joys.

[festive music]

- OK.

I'm gonna go in the store

and get Chance's toy, while you go over there

and show Santa some love.

Chance needs to see you squash your beef with him.

- Two more things Santa never brought me-

squash and beef.

Both on the list.

- God, just let it go, man.

- Come on, Chance. Let's go say hi to Santa Claus.

Excuse me. Sorry.

Everybody, excuse me. Elf inspector.

Thank you. Thank you, young man.

Yes, bye.

Ah, see you next year at the North Pole.

- Ho, ho, ho. It's another Santa.

Don't worry, kids. It's not weird.

What are you doing, man?

- I just came to say hello to my best friend, Santa Claus.

- I thought you hated him. - What!

Santa's my buddy, my guy.

My sleigh ride or die.

- I don't even know who you are.

- It's me, man.

Little Georgie Lopez.

Come on, man.

I just need one picture, sit in your lap,

and you can tell everybody how close we are.

- No way, man.

- I need you to tell me you love me.

- [sighs]

Now you sound like Mrs. Claus.

- Tell me! Say it!

Say it!

- I don't think he's gonna say it.

- Security!

The naughty boy is back.

- You're gonna call me out like that in front of my grandson?

- Is that your grandson?

Then yes. - Oh.

You mess with the chimney, you get the smoke.

Let's go.

- Seriously? You're gonna shove Santa?

All right. - Oh.

[both grunting]

No!

[grunting continues]

Ooh, ah!

- Ah, ow!

- I got your back, Grandpa!

- [grunting]

- Dad! What are you doing!

You were supposed to make peace with him.

- It's not my fault. Blame St. Dickolas.

- Ma'am.

- Oh, I am not with him.

- Are you with that toy?

Because you didn't pay for it.

- I was going to, but then I had to run out

and break up this fight between people

that I don't know.

- Nice try.

You're all banned.

- I'm already banned. Burn!

- Let's go. Let's go.

- This ain't over, Santa.

Viva la raza!

- ? Deck the halls with Rosie Flores ?

? Me-me-me-me-me, me-me, me-me ?

- ? La reina's back ?

? So sound the chorus ?

? You-you-you-you-you, you-you, you-you ?

- ? Don we now the decorations ?

? Me-me-me-me-me, me-me, me-me ?

- ? You-you-you-you-you, you-you, you-you ?

[carolers singing in Spanish]

- They're here.

It's Posada time. Quinten, get the door.

- Hello, innkeeper.

We've traveled all of Bethlehem,

looking for a place to stay.

Do you have any room? - Of course.

Come on in.

- Well, thanks anyways.

Wait, you do?

- Hell, yeah, we do!

Get your asses in here!

- Oh, who wants champurrado?

It's spiked.

Unlike virgin Irma's virgin drinks.

- Tostadas, tostadas.

FYI, these are not the same as Posadas.

- And this is where

our little Lord Jesus lays his sweet head.

May I?

Oh, come on.

Hand him over

to me!

[grunts]

- I think there's been a mistake.

We were supposed to be turned away.

Irma's expecting us.

- Irma fell down a well.

- What?

- No, no.

He-he means Irma is not feeling well,

so she asked us to host.

- [sighs in relief] - Cocktail weenie?

[upbeat saxophone music]

- What kind of freak fights Santa Claus?

What is up with you?

- I tried to play nice with Santa in front of Chance,

but I guess I'm still upset that

I never got the gift or the Christmas

that I wanted from Santa.

- This can't still be about a ventriloquist dummy.

- You know why I wanted a ventriloquist dummy?

- So you didn't have to go to prom alone?

- I wanted the dummy so he could say nice things

to me when nobody in my family would.

I wanted somebody to ask me what I wanted for Christmas.

I wanted to matter.

I wanted my mom to show up on Christmas Eve or Christmas.

She never did.

- I'm really sorry, Dad,

but think of it this way,

you get to give Chance the Christmas memories

that you never had.

- Yeah.

If I should be mad at anybody, it shouldn't be Santa.

It should be my mom.

Who doesn't show up for their kid at Christmas?

- You for ten years. - Let it go, man.

But you know what?

Nothing will make me happier than to spend the rest

of my Christmases with you.

You're the greatest gift a father could ever have.

I love you, Mayan. - I love you too, Daddy.

- Don't touch my hair. - OK.

? ?

[upbeat festive music]

- This Posada party is the best one we've had in years.

- Oh, the only thing that can make this night better

is if Irma was well enough to attend,

so she could see how much better my party is.

Eh!

[knocking on door]

- Irma! So sorry.

No room at the inn.

You don't-no.

- Irma!

You're OK.

- It's a Christmas miracle!

- Irma, how'd you get out of the well?

Did they pull you up in a little bucket?

- What well?

I've been sitting around waiting for everyone

to enjoy my famous virgin cocktails,

but instead, you stole my Posada party.

- Irma Valdez,

this party was not stolen.

Right, Quinten?

- ? Don't forget I'm marrying your daughter ?

? Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la ?

- You lied to me?

- He lied to all of us.

He said Irma fell down a well and/or wasn't feeling well.

It's very unclear.

But everything is because Joseph is drunk.

- I hope you're happy.

Because of you, now I have been the host

of a Posada Robada.

- De nada.

[upbeat saxophone music]

- Rosie, I'm-I'm sorry for lying about the Posada.

I hated seeing you so depressed.

So, in the spirit of Christmas,

I stole an old virgin's one day of happiness.

- Well, when you put it like that,

you make it very hard to be mad at you.

[sighs]

As nice as it's been to have a distraction,

I think I just need time to get over Josu�

and grieve the life that I thought we would have together.

Two very attractive people in our sexual prime.

- OK.

[upbeat saxophone music]

- Santa got me pajamas.

Ooh, I'm gonna use these.

- Sorry Santa couldn't get you the Block Stax set

you wanted this Christmas.

- It's not your fault.

It's the fault of the toy companies

creating manufactured scarcity.

Hello! I'm in the gifted class.

[knocking on door]

- I wonder who that could be.

Oh! - Ho, ho, ho.

Merry Christmas.

- Santa!

Back for more, I see. - No! Hey, hey, no!

- No!

- We made up. - You did?

- Yep, turns out Santa and I have a lot in common.

We both bring things into people's houses.

We both love cookies.

We're both alcoholics.

Both... [speaking Spanish]

Ho, ho, ho- - OK, all right.

Glad you're getting along.

- I hope it's OK, but I brought a few gifts

for the Lopez family.

- Oh, that's nice, Santa.

- A Block Stax Space set!

I knew those pajamas were a joke.

I'm sorry for hitting you with that giant candy cane, Santa.

- It's OK.

Mrs. Claus hit me with a lot worse this Christmas-

divorce papers. - Oh!

- I know you hear this from a lot of kids,

but I love you, Santa.

- Hey, Santa, thanks for agreeing to come over.

It made my grandson's Christmas.

- I'm not just here for him.

I'm here for you too.

- Aw, Santa.

Thank you.

Gimme, gimme, gimme!

- Merry Christmas.

- Oh. - Oh.

- [screams joyfully]

Ronnie!

[screams joyfully]

- What in the "Chucky" is that?

- [with silly, raspy voice] I'm the ventriloquist doll

that George always wanted.

Can you give me a hug, please?

- [screams]

- Mayan, did you help Santa pick out

that present for your dad? - No.

You really think I'd want that creepy thing in my house?

- I mean, how did he know?

- You told him in all those letters you wrote him

back when you were a kid.

- I guess Santa does love me.

- [with silly, raspy voice] And I love you, too, George.

[screams]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0