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1
00:00:00,537 --> 00:00:01,636
- No, no, no.
- Yes.
2
00:00:01,683 --> 00:00:03,525
Here's the thing.
Here's the thing.
3
00:00:03,575 --> 00:00:04,288
- Okay.
- Okay.
4
00:00:04,389 --> 00:00:05,572
I guarantee you.
5
00:00:05,624 --> 00:00:09,709
I guarantee you, if you look
at Obamacare 25 years from now,
6
00:00:09,745 --> 00:00:12,913
and you look at the number
of enrollees in that program--
7
00:00:12,998 --> 00:00:14,080
No, no, no, no, listen.
No, you've got it wrong.
8
00:00:14,166 --> 00:00:14,831
No, please, by all means,
talk.
9
00:00:14,917 --> 00:00:15,981
You've got it wrong.
10
00:00:16,021 --> 00:00:17,634
You have to look
at the amount of people
11
00:00:17,719 --> 00:00:19,136
enrolled in the healthcare system
12
00:00:19,221 --> 00:00:22,589
and the tremendous effect
that it has on the economy.
13
00:00:22,641 --> 00:00:23,840
- You're missing the point.
- If you're gonna--
14
00:00:23,926 --> 00:00:25,091
- You are missing the point.
- Oh, am I?
15
00:00:25,144 --> 00:00:27,154
What you have to do,
what you have to do
16
00:00:27,208 --> 00:00:28,708
is look at the tremendous effect
17
00:00:28,762 --> 00:00:31,429
that Obamacare is having
on the U.S. economy.
18
00:00:31,433 --> 00:00:34,067
And in addition, you have to
look at the government bailouts
19
00:00:34,152 --> 00:00:35,665
of the auto industry
and the banking industry.
20
00:00:35,714 --> 00:00:37,070
You've got it wrong.
You've got it wrong.
21
00:00:37,155 --> 00:00:38,438
- I've got it wrong?
- So wrong.
22
00:00:38,523 --> 00:00:41,491
You have to look at the effect
on the banking industry
23
00:00:41,581 --> 00:00:43,410
as well as the auto industry,
my friend.
24
00:00:43,495 --> 00:00:44,861
- Okay, listen.
- When you do--
25
00:00:44,913 --> 00:00:46,413
- The bottom line.
- No, the only conclusion...
26
00:00:46,498 --> 00:00:47,530
The bottom line...
27
00:00:47,616 --> 00:00:49,218
is that Obama
is a disaster.
28
00:00:54,172 --> 00:00:55,766
Are you a Republican?
29
00:00:57,759 --> 00:00:59,410
Yes.
30
00:01:00,879 --> 00:01:04,547
I would like to apologize
for this programming mistake.
31
00:01:04,599 --> 00:01:07,434
In the future, we will do better
at choosing our guests
32
00:01:07,519 --> 00:01:09,891
here on Diametrically Opposed.
33
00:01:36,722 --> 00:01:40,214
Sync & corrections by dwigt
34
00:01:42,387 --> 00:01:43,470
President, man.
35
00:01:43,555 --> 00:01:46,005
He's got two more years, dude.
36
00:01:46,091 --> 00:01:48,391
- Things are crazy right now.
- Mm hmm.
37
00:01:48,426 --> 00:01:50,593
Man, it's-- this is crazy,
people in ISIS just jam--
38
00:01:50,645 --> 00:01:51,845
Jamming up the jimmer.
39
00:01:51,930 --> 00:01:53,930
Those dudes
are tripping me out, dog.
40
00:01:54,015 --> 00:01:56,399
Where you--
Where y'all coming from?
41
00:01:56,434 --> 00:01:58,518
Dude, half them dudes
used to be in Al-Qaeda.
42
00:01:58,603 --> 00:02:00,153
How ironic.
43
00:02:00,238 --> 00:02:02,939
Now the funny thing is ISIS
happens, and now Obama's got
44
00:02:02,991 --> 00:02:04,107
to get all in the middle
of that.
45
00:02:04,192 --> 00:02:06,776
You know, dude, I mean,
46
00:02:06,828 --> 00:02:08,444
can you imagine how done
47
00:02:08,530 --> 00:02:10,663
with this [bleep]
Obama has got to be?
48
00:02:10,749 --> 00:02:12,115
- I mean, so stressful.
- I can't imagine.
49
00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:14,202
He's gonna look like Rip Van
Winkle when he's done.
50
00:02:14,230 --> 00:02:15,034
Yup.
51
00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:16,959
Wish I had some more things
to say
52
00:02:17,036 --> 00:02:19,789
that weren't completely
politically polarizing.
53
00:02:19,841 --> 00:02:20,875
I wish.
54
00:02:33,305 --> 00:02:36,806
Brothers.
Brothers, let us begin.
55
00:02:36,858 --> 00:02:41,728
I have convened this meeting
to find out what you are doing.
56
00:02:41,813 --> 00:02:46,983
Why have we not taken a plane
in 13 years?
57
00:02:47,035 --> 00:02:51,955
Khaliv.
You don't even know.
58
00:02:51,990 --> 00:02:57,577
It is all because the cunning
and mighty TSA
59
00:02:57,662 --> 00:03:00,413
is always one step ahead of us.
60
00:03:00,498 --> 00:03:03,249
- I do not believe it!
- It's true.
61
00:03:03,335 --> 00:03:06,553
Last month,
I attempted to take down a plane
62
00:03:06,638 --> 00:03:08,504
with a pair of scissors
five inches long.
63
00:03:08,557 --> 00:03:11,090
That sounds
like a perfect plan.
64
00:03:11,176 --> 00:03:12,759
Why did it not work?
65
00:03:12,844 --> 00:03:17,847
Because the shrewd TSA,
66
00:03:17,933 --> 00:03:19,349
they made restrictions
67
00:03:19,434 --> 00:03:22,018
so you can only
take a four-inch scissors.
68
00:03:22,103 --> 00:03:22,936
- Four inches.
- What?
69
00:03:23,021 --> 00:03:23,859
Yeah.
70
00:03:23,888 --> 00:03:25,655
How could they know
that a five-inch blade
71
00:03:25,690 --> 00:03:27,657
is a dangerous weapon
and a four-inch blade
72
00:03:27,692 --> 00:03:29,525
is no more
than a child's play thing?
73
00:03:29,611 --> 00:03:32,946
That is the genius of TSA.
74
00:03:33,031 --> 00:03:34,831
They foil us at every turn.
75
00:03:34,866 --> 00:03:37,083
Devils!
76
00:03:37,168 --> 00:03:39,168
You know, it's the same way
with the liquid.
77
00:03:39,204 --> 00:03:41,037
Oh, yeah.
78
00:03:41,122 --> 00:03:42,422
We all know
how much devastation
79
00:03:42,507 --> 00:03:45,458
we can wreak with 3.5 ounces
of liquid.
80
00:03:45,543 --> 00:03:47,627
The-- The damage
is incalculable.
81
00:03:47,712 --> 00:03:49,295
The crafty TSA,
82
00:03:49,381 --> 00:03:53,433
they have limited passengers
to only 3.4 ounces.
83
00:03:53,518 --> 00:03:54,384
Damn it!
84
00:03:54,469 --> 00:03:55,635
Yeah.
85
00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:58,187
Do none of you
have the solution how--
86
00:03:58,223 --> 00:04:00,273
for us to thwart this TSA?
87
00:04:00,358 --> 00:04:01,724
Khaliv, Khaliv.
88
00:04:01,776 --> 00:04:05,612
It's like you've been
living in a-- well, here.
89
00:04:05,697 --> 00:04:10,233
Look... The TSA,
they strike fear into my heart
90
00:04:10,285 --> 00:04:12,535
with their polyester shirts
91
00:04:12,570 --> 00:04:16,406
and their disposable rubber
gloves.
92
00:04:16,491 --> 00:04:19,409
and the-- and the--
the sneaker shoes!
93
00:04:19,461 --> 00:04:21,461
They are so clever.
94
00:04:21,546 --> 00:04:22,996
- Clever.
- Yes.
95
00:04:23,329 --> 00:04:27,216
They-- They act as if they are
listless, overweight employees
96
00:04:27,252 --> 00:04:29,218
who don't give a [bleep].
97
00:04:29,254 --> 00:04:31,721
When in reality,
98
00:04:31,756 --> 00:04:35,925
they are an elite force
of anti-terrorist commandos!
99
00:04:35,977 --> 00:04:39,812
Oh, curse the brilliant TSA.
100
00:04:39,898 --> 00:04:41,230
If I may.
101
00:04:41,266 --> 00:04:46,903
I believe I have a way
to triumph over the wily TSA.
102
00:04:46,938 --> 00:04:48,771
- Finally.
- Okay.
103
00:04:48,857 --> 00:04:50,356
Let's give him a shot.
104
00:04:50,442 --> 00:04:54,110
I have a plan
to put a bomb in a laptop,
105
00:04:54,195 --> 00:04:57,661
and it will detonate
once you pull it from its case.
106
00:04:59,117 --> 00:05:01,751
Yes!
Yes, it is perfect!
107
00:05:01,786 --> 00:05:05,575
Planes will rain down
from the sky onto the infidels!
108
00:05:12,964 --> 00:05:14,881
What?
Parvez, what, what, what?
109
00:05:14,966 --> 00:05:17,600
S-- S-- Sneak in here
for a second, 'cause I don't--
110
00:05:17,635 --> 00:05:19,664
I don't want to be the bearer
of bad news here--
111
00:05:19,739 --> 00:05:21,354
- Then don't be!
- Yet you are.
112
00:05:21,439 --> 00:05:27,026
It's as if the prophetic
and all-knowing TSA
113
00:05:27,112 --> 00:05:29,979
has predicted your plan.
114
00:05:30,065 --> 00:05:32,315
They make you take the laptop
out of the carrying case
115
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:34,484
and put it in a separate bin
before you get on the plane.
116
00:05:34,536 --> 00:05:36,536
Come on,
you've got to be kidding me.
117
00:05:36,621 --> 00:05:38,538
You've got to be kidding me.
118
00:05:38,623 --> 00:05:40,289
Are you kidding me, Parvez?
119
00:05:40,325 --> 00:05:42,186
'cause it's not a funny joke
if it's a joke.
120
00:05:42,249 --> 00:05:43,910
It's no time for kidding.
I wouldn't kid.
121
00:05:43,995 --> 00:05:45,211
- Oh, my God.
- No.
122
00:05:45,296 --> 00:05:47,246
I cannot believe
these mothers of devils.
123
00:05:47,332 --> 00:05:48,331
Yeah.
124
00:05:48,416 --> 00:05:50,083
Well, very well, then.
125
00:05:50,168 --> 00:05:52,051
Since you have all failed,
126
00:05:52,137 --> 00:05:56,055
I will tell you how we
will destroy the nonbelievers.
127
00:05:56,141 --> 00:06:00,093
I have developed
the smallest bomb possible.
128
00:06:00,178 --> 00:06:05,098
And it fits perfectly into this,
129
00:06:05,183 --> 00:06:10,319
a full-sized tube of toothpaste.
130
00:06:10,355 --> 00:06:12,739
Yes!
It's really great, isn't it?
131
00:06:12,824 --> 00:06:14,478
- I mean, it's the--
- Don't do him like that.
132
00:06:14,529 --> 00:06:15,658
What's going on over here?
133
00:06:15,693 --> 00:06:16,943
What's the situation over here?
134
00:06:17,028 --> 00:06:20,413
Okay.
135
00:06:20,498 --> 00:06:23,032
Is there a version
of the toothpaste bomb
136
00:06:23,084 --> 00:06:26,586
that comes in travel-size?
137
00:06:26,671 --> 00:06:28,204
You know what?
It's like they're in our heads.
138
00:06:34,761 --> 00:06:37,712
Dude, sometimes my dogs
just be looking forlorn.
139
00:06:37,864 --> 00:06:40,982
I'm like, "Are you depressed?"
I'm like, dude.
140
00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:43,318
He's just pretty chill,
I think.
141
00:06:43,370 --> 00:06:45,320
But I do feel like-- I feel
kind of, like,
142
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,205
bad for my dog, like.
143
00:06:47,291 --> 00:06:49,491
He's-- I'm just very conscious
of the fact
144
00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:53,545
that he's not a human
and can't understand
145
00:06:53,630 --> 00:06:57,215
how he's different
from everybody around him.
146
00:06:57,301 --> 00:06:59,419
Right, but-- but-- but that's
the good thing,
147
00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:00,611
is he can't understand.
148
00:07:00,675 --> 00:07:03,042
- He can't comprehend it.
- But he wants to understand.
149
00:07:03,091 --> 00:07:04,005
It's like--
150
00:07:04,091 --> 00:07:05,340
You said--
151
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,342
It's like,
"Why are there different rules
152
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,664
"for me than these other beings
around me?"
153
00:07:09,697 --> 00:07:10,679
Oh, no.
154
00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,397
See, see, now you're treating
him like a person.
155
00:07:12,482 --> 00:07:14,015
Well, your mother[bleep]
sleep on your bed.
156
00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:15,483
Literally went
to the chiropractor,
157
00:07:15,519 --> 00:07:17,185
went to the chiropractor and I
said-- she said, "How are you?"
158
00:07:17,237 --> 00:07:18,520
I said, "I've been
sleeping very well."
159
00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:20,405
She said, "No dogs in the bed?"
and I went, "Yup."
160
00:07:20,490 --> 00:07:21,690
And you were telling
the truth?
161
00:07:21,742 --> 00:07:22,657
That's right,
I was in Michigan for two weeks,
162
00:07:22,693 --> 00:07:23,692
no dogs in the bed,
163
00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:25,076
back was better.
164
00:07:25,162 --> 00:07:27,729
Come home, Cynthia
got three people in the bed,
165
00:07:27,856 --> 00:07:29,948
like she in a hippie orgy.
166
00:07:30,033 --> 00:07:31,533
Wait!
Three people?
167
00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:32,751
You mean her and--
168
00:07:32,836 --> 00:07:33,535
Three people,
three-- her and the dogs,
169
00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:34,536
not three people.
170
00:07:34,588 --> 00:07:35,748
So you call the dogs people.
171
00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,247
I just called the dogs people,
which is-- which is something
172
00:07:37,278 --> 00:07:38,613
I accuse her of all the time.
173
00:07:38,635 --> 00:07:39,107
Yeah.
174
00:07:39,176 --> 00:07:40,141
I accuse her
of that all the time.
175
00:07:40,210 --> 00:07:41,009
- I'm like--
- Yeah, yeah.
176
00:07:41,044 --> 00:07:42,377
You know they're not people.
177
00:07:42,429 --> 00:07:43,878
and then--and then she leaves
the room,
178
00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:45,964
and I'm talking English to them
like they know what's going on.
179
00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:53,722
- Oh!
- Whoo hoo hoo!
180
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:57,309
Eduardo, man,
you are so loco, man!
181
00:07:57,394 --> 00:07:58,610
Wow.
182
00:07:58,695 --> 00:08:00,945
We need a crazy vato
like you in our gang.
183
00:08:01,031 --> 00:08:02,397
Si.
184
00:08:02,449 --> 00:08:05,900
With this bandana,
I welcome you to the gang.
185
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:07,118
Yo.
186
00:08:07,204 --> 00:08:08,119
Hold up.
187
00:08:08,205 --> 00:08:09,537
Oh... kay.
188
00:08:09,573 --> 00:08:10,739
What's going on?
189
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,291
Hey.
Carlito.
190
00:08:13,377 --> 00:08:17,023
Uh, I was just welcoming Eduardo
into the gang.
191
00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:19,831
Why?
Who he?
192
00:08:19,916 --> 00:08:21,416
What he did?
193
00:08:21,468 --> 00:08:23,835
He's-- He's crazy, man.
194
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:27,005
We-- We were thinking
that the gang needs a crazy guy.
195
00:08:27,090 --> 00:08:29,474
Yeah, yeah, man.
This guy is loco.
196
00:08:29,559 --> 00:08:32,310
Show him, Eduardo.
197
00:08:37,768 --> 00:08:39,984
Loco!
198
00:08:40,070 --> 00:08:42,020
That's muy loco.
199
00:08:42,105 --> 00:08:43,438
Loco.
Huh?
200
00:08:43,490 --> 00:08:46,608
No, no.
I'm the loco one in this gang.
201
00:08:46,693 --> 00:08:48,660
What?
Okay, okay.
202
00:08:48,745 --> 00:08:53,415
Check this out.
203
00:08:53,450 --> 00:08:55,834
Quack, quack, quack.
Quack-quack.
204
00:08:55,919 --> 00:08:57,168
I'm a duck.
205
00:08:57,254 --> 00:08:58,703
I'm a crazy duck.
206
00:08:58,789 --> 00:08:59,954
- No--Carlito.
- Quack.
207
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,623
Carlito, it's not that kind of
loco, okay?
208
00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:03,734
That's more like, you know,
zainy.
209
00:09:03,774 --> 00:09:04,926
Or-- Or goofy.
210
00:09:04,961 --> 00:09:06,961
- Yeah.
- It's the wrong kind of loco.
211
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:08,630
You want to see loco?
212
00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:11,966
Carlito.
You're not crazy.
213
00:09:12,018 --> 00:09:14,135
You're like, uh, the quiet one.
214
00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:15,553
I'm not quiet.
215
00:09:15,639 --> 00:09:17,722
I never be caught
being quiet.
216
00:09:17,808 --> 00:09:21,226
In fact, I'm always loud.
Check it.
217
00:09:21,311 --> 00:09:24,362
Ahh.
218
00:09:24,448 --> 00:09:25,530
Okay.
Okay.
219
00:09:25,615 --> 00:09:27,782
That was weird.
220
00:09:27,818 --> 00:09:29,234
That was-- Were you yelling?
221
00:09:29,319 --> 00:09:31,453
I'll show you loco right here.
222
00:09:31,488 --> 00:09:33,204
Right now in broad daylight, yo.
223
00:09:33,290 --> 00:09:34,823
- Carlito, no.
- Oh, my God.
224
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:37,492
Carlito, pull up your pants,
homes.
225
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:39,577
I got Tilikum on my underwear.
226
00:09:39,663 --> 00:09:41,045
That's the black fish.
227
00:09:41,131 --> 00:09:42,914
I'm naked,
and I don't even care.
228
00:09:42,999 --> 00:09:44,799
Carlito, you gotta
pull 'em up, okay?
229
00:09:44,835 --> 00:09:46,968
There's, like, children
in this neighborhood, okay?
230
00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:48,670
Okay.
But check this out.
231
00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:52,424
I got nine punch cards
from Froyo Universe,
232
00:09:52,509 --> 00:09:54,592
each with a one stamp in it.
233
00:09:54,678 --> 00:09:57,812
Every time I get a froyo,
I get a new card.
234
00:09:57,848 --> 00:10:00,515
Carlito, that's just being
cavalier with your finances
235
00:10:00,567 --> 00:10:02,517
instead of collecting
your free dessert.
236
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:03,935
I mean, that's not loco.
237
00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:06,688
That's just, like,
financially irresponsible.
238
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:10,191
I might not be loco,
but you know who is loco?
239
00:10:10,243 --> 00:10:13,218
My friend Mr. Basura-head.
240
00:10:14,998 --> 00:10:16,080
He's dumping the garbage.
241
00:10:16,166 --> 00:10:20,251
Hi, I'm the most loco person
in here.
242
00:10:20,337 --> 00:10:21,870
Carlito.
Why would you do that?
243
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:23,037
Que?
244
00:10:23,089 --> 00:10:25,340
Carlito.
245
00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:26,624
Okay.
246
00:10:26,710 --> 00:10:29,461
Carlito... You don't have
to do this, okay?
247
00:10:29,546 --> 00:10:32,714
It's not necessary.
You're not the loco one.
248
00:10:32,766 --> 00:10:34,883
Check this out.
249
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:38,219
Der.
I feel-- Yeah, I'm crazy.
250
00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:41,523
I'm the loco one.
251
00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:43,057
Carlito, please don't do
it again.
252
00:10:43,109 --> 00:10:44,058
Ohh!
253
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,393
Carlito, stop.
254
00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:46,804
I'm in too deep.
255
00:10:46,845 --> 00:10:48,980
This is like watching the
British version of The Office.
256
00:10:49,065 --> 00:10:51,816
Like, it's funny, but awkward
and sad at the same time.
257
00:10:51,902 --> 00:10:53,201
Yes.
258
00:10:53,236 --> 00:10:54,736
Oh!
259
00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:57,572
Well, I think I just proved
this bottle is unbreakable.
260
00:10:58,959 --> 00:11:01,459
Carlito.
You're embarrassing yourself.
261
00:11:01,545 --> 00:11:02,577
Look at this.
262
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,245
No.
No, no, no, Carlito.
263
00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:05,497
What are you gonna do with that?
264
00:11:05,582 --> 00:11:06,548
I don't know.
265
00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:08,166
I'm too crazy.
266
00:11:08,251 --> 00:11:10,802
Oh!
267
00:11:10,887 --> 00:11:13,254
Carlito,
why would you do that, man?
268
00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:16,424
That was loco,
but not in a entertaining way.
269
00:11:16,476 --> 00:11:19,060
Okay.
270
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:20,428
Okay.
271
00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:22,680
Carlito, put down the gun,
homes.
272
00:11:22,766 --> 00:11:24,065
Oh, don't you fear.
273
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:25,233
- Put the gun down.
- Put the gun down.
274
00:11:25,268 --> 00:11:27,235
The crazy, crazy one is here.
275
00:11:27,270 --> 00:11:28,403
- Carlit-- Stop!
- Put it down.
276
00:11:28,438 --> 00:11:30,522
Oh, my staple hand.
277
00:11:30,607 --> 00:11:33,408
- Put the gun down.
- Don't do that.
278
00:11:33,443 --> 00:11:34,609
- I shouldn't have done that.
- Carlito, stop twirling it.
279
00:11:34,661 --> 00:11:37,445
Loco, loco, loco.
Where she stops?
280
00:11:37,531 --> 00:11:42,417
Nobody know-- co-oh.
281
00:11:43,787 --> 00:11:49,507
Carlito, you just
shot Eduardo in the head!
282
00:11:49,593 --> 00:11:52,760
Now I'm the most loco
in the gang?
283
00:11:52,796 --> 00:11:55,847
Yes, Carlito,
by process of elimination,
284
00:11:55,932 --> 00:11:58,633
You're the most loco person
in the gang.
285
00:11:58,685 --> 00:12:01,603
Yes.
286
00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:02,971
Oh!
287
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:04,556
Loco!
288
00:12:04,641 --> 00:12:07,475
He caught the bullet.
Orale!
289
00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:08,726
He caught the bullet
in his teeth!
290
00:12:08,812 --> 00:12:10,061
Loco!
291
00:12:10,146 --> 00:12:11,920
That's the most loco-est thing
I ever seen!
292
00:12:12,149 --> 00:12:13,270
No, no!
293
00:12:17,384 --> 00:12:19,184
Did you--were you ever--in--in
all honesty,
294
00:12:19,269 --> 00:12:21,353
Were you ever
going to join the military?
295
00:12:21,438 --> 00:12:23,772
I-- You know, I-- I
thought about it for one minute.
296
00:12:23,807 --> 00:12:25,857
I really did be--'cause my mom
was-- we-- we-- no...
297
00:12:25,943 --> 00:12:28,245
I went to go see an army
recruiter, just-- just to hear.
298
00:12:28,293 --> 00:12:29,811
My mom was just like, "Maybe you
just want to hear
299
00:12:29,897 --> 00:12:30,812
"what-- what can happen."
300
00:12:30,898 --> 00:12:31,813
Your mom?
301
00:12:31,865 --> 00:12:33,315
I wasn't gonna do it.
302
00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:35,484
I mean, I wanted to do it,
but I wasn't gonna do it.
303
00:12:35,569 --> 00:12:37,285
I might have,
but my mom knew me.
304
00:12:37,321 --> 00:12:38,987
I mean, she knew me well enough
to know I wasn't gonna do that.
305
00:12:39,073 --> 00:12:40,322
So what was the recruiter
like?
306
00:12:40,374 --> 00:12:42,707
The-- The marine recruiter
was on point.
307
00:12:42,793 --> 00:12:44,543
My man was like,
"Hey, how's it going, young man?
308
00:12:44,628 --> 00:12:45,994
"Good to see you.
Nice to meet you, man.
309
00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:47,079
"How are you?
What's the name?
310
00:12:47,164 --> 00:12:48,797
"I'm-- I'm Matt.
I'm Matt."
311
00:12:48,832 --> 00:12:50,332
And I was like,
"Nice to meet you, Matt."
312
00:12:50,417 --> 00:12:52,551
And he's like, "Tell you what,
man, lot of job opportunities
313
00:12:52,636 --> 00:12:54,669
"out there for you
if you join the Marine corps.
314
00:12:54,755 --> 00:12:56,004
You know, you get out,
you have a job."
315
00:12:56,031 --> 00:12:57,147
- That's my dude.
- "School get paid for."
316
00:12:57,157 --> 00:12:58,090
That's my dude.
317
00:12:58,175 --> 00:12:58,974
"It's a hell of a deal,
my friend.
318
00:12:59,009 --> 00:13:00,509
"It's a hell of a deal."
319
00:13:00,594 --> 00:13:02,394
That guy who-- The guy that
I know that's like that is
320
00:13:02,479 --> 00:13:05,063
a Las Vegas party promoter.
321
00:13:05,149 --> 00:13:06,648
You go-- one of two ways.
322
00:13:06,683 --> 00:13:08,767
Either the party-promoter style,
or--
323
00:13:08,852 --> 00:13:10,235
- Or marine recruiter.
- Marine recruiter.
324
00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:12,357
- I mean, my man's readst to go.
325
00:13:17,227 --> 00:13:20,262
It is so good to see you,
Keith.
326
00:13:20,347 --> 00:13:22,848
Yeah, we usually have to wait
for a special occasion.
327
00:13:22,933 --> 00:13:24,266
Well, actually,
I have a little surprise.
328
00:13:24,318 --> 00:13:26,151
I... got engaged.
329
00:13:26,236 --> 00:13:27,269
Oh!
330
00:13:27,321 --> 00:13:29,938
Oh!
Oh!
331
00:13:30,024 --> 00:13:31,907
Oh, honey.
332
00:13:31,942 --> 00:13:35,577
That's my son.
333
00:13:37,748 --> 00:13:39,698
Wow hoo!
334
00:13:39,783 --> 00:13:41,166
Yes!
335
00:13:41,251 --> 00:13:42,951
Wow.
336
00:13:43,037 --> 00:13:45,309
Congratulations, little bro.
337
00:13:46,256 --> 00:13:47,789
Engaged.
338
00:13:47,841 --> 00:13:50,125
Kind of a big deal.
339
00:13:50,177 --> 00:13:51,460
More for me, I guess.
340
00:13:51,512 --> 00:13:53,845
That's what that means.
341
00:13:53,931 --> 00:13:55,597
Yes, well.
342
00:13:55,632 --> 00:13:56,848
She got a name?
343
00:13:56,934 --> 00:13:58,016
Stephanie.
344
00:13:58,102 --> 00:14:00,719
Marriage is a wonderful
journey.
345
00:14:00,804 --> 00:14:03,522
50% end in divorce.
346
00:14:03,607 --> 00:14:07,442
Sorry, bro.
Them's just the facts.
347
00:14:07,478 --> 00:14:09,949
I will-- I will keep
that in mind, thank you.
348
00:14:11,365 --> 00:14:12,781
- You got a photo?
- Oh, yeah.
349
00:14:12,816 --> 00:14:15,283
A.k.a. "Does she exist?"
350
00:14:15,319 --> 00:14:17,619
There you go.
351
00:14:17,654 --> 00:14:20,065
Mm.
352
00:14:22,493 --> 00:14:26,161
Oh, she is beautiful.
353
00:14:26,246 --> 00:14:28,713
- Don't--
- Let me get eyes on this.
354
00:14:28,799 --> 00:14:31,106
Everybody else already ha--
355
00:14:34,171 --> 00:14:36,805
Great lighting.
356
00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:37,806
Airbrushed?
357
00:14:37,841 --> 00:14:38,805
Uh, no.
358
00:14:38,847 --> 00:14:40,425
She kind of looks
like that one model
359
00:14:40,511 --> 00:14:42,060
on The Price Is Right.
360
00:14:42,146 --> 00:14:45,230
Uh, yes.
That's her.
361
00:14:45,315 --> 00:14:46,848
The Price Is Right?
362
00:14:46,900 --> 00:14:48,817
Clive, that's your show.
363
00:14:48,852 --> 00:14:50,185
Shut up, ma!
364
00:14:50,237 --> 00:14:53,405
No, it's not.
365
00:14:53,490 --> 00:14:56,658
Oh, yeah.
Stephanie.
366
00:14:56,693 --> 00:14:58,193
Mm-hmm.
367
00:14:58,245 --> 00:15:00,362
People always underbid
on her showcases.
368
00:15:00,414 --> 00:15:02,207
Not the best presenter.
369
00:15:04,368 --> 00:15:07,335
- Where's the wedding?
- Oh, in Hawaii.
370
00:15:07,371 --> 00:15:08,870
Oh.
Oh.
371
00:15:08,956 --> 00:15:11,840
Oh.
Oh!
372
00:15:11,875 --> 00:15:13,041
Awesome.
373
00:15:13,127 --> 00:15:14,843
Whoo-hoo!
374
00:15:14,878 --> 00:15:17,429
Mele kalikimaka!
375
00:15:20,100 --> 00:15:21,349
She ever been married before?
376
00:15:21,385 --> 00:15:23,768
- Uh, no.
- So she says.
377
00:15:23,854 --> 00:15:26,104
- Ex-boyfriend, she got one?
- Of course.
378
00:15:26,190 --> 00:15:28,440
Sloppy seconds, at least.
379
00:15:28,525 --> 00:15:30,058
Right, dad?
380
00:15:32,563 --> 00:15:34,613
- Keith, she sounds wonderful.
- Thank you.
381
00:15:34,698 --> 00:15:35,614
Thank you, mom.
382
00:15:35,699 --> 00:15:38,033
Shut up, mom!
383
00:15:38,068 --> 00:15:40,035
Silence from you!
384
00:15:40,070 --> 00:15:43,131
You're cut off from talking!
385
00:15:45,542 --> 00:15:47,325
You know what, Clive?
386
00:15:47,411 --> 00:15:50,579
I really don't appreciate the
way that you're talking to mom.
387
00:15:55,252 --> 00:15:58,003
Yes! Yes!
388
00:15:58,088 --> 00:16:01,256
The prodigal son hath returned!
389
00:16:01,308 --> 00:16:02,424
You know what?
390
00:16:02,509 --> 00:16:04,176
You want to go?
Let's go.
391
00:16:04,261 --> 00:16:06,728
'cause I've been here
the last 15 years,
392
00:16:06,763 --> 00:16:08,346
taking care of mom and dad
393
00:16:08,432 --> 00:16:11,433
while you've been trompsing
all over the world, and why?
394
00:16:11,518 --> 00:16:12,817
So you could come back here
395
00:16:12,903 --> 00:16:15,237
and criticize me
for how I treat them?
396
00:16:15,272 --> 00:16:16,771
No.
397
00:16:16,823 --> 00:16:20,609
I actually came here to ask you
if you would do me the honor
398
00:16:20,661 --> 00:16:22,410
of being my best man.
399
00:16:28,919 --> 00:16:32,587
I know that
we've had our differences.
400
00:16:32,623 --> 00:16:35,201
But you're my older brother.
401
00:16:37,678 --> 00:16:39,594
We-- We'll pay for your room.
402
00:16:39,630 --> 00:16:41,129
And-- And we're also gonna
rent you a car.
403
00:16:42,599 --> 00:16:44,466
And-- And we'll pay
to fly you out there.
404
00:16:48,972 --> 00:16:51,022
First class?
405
00:16:51,108 --> 00:16:52,474
Well, we can't afford
first class.
406
00:16:52,559 --> 00:16:54,809
Well, [bleep] you!
407
00:16:54,895 --> 00:16:57,646
You're dead to me!
408
00:16:57,698 --> 00:16:59,314
- Clive!
- Shut up, mom!
409
00:16:59,399 --> 00:17:01,399
I'm eating in my room!
410
00:17:08,375 --> 00:17:10,259
Well, that-- that
went better than expected.
411
00:17:11,461 --> 00:17:13,245
- I think so.
- Yeah.
412
00:17:25,272 --> 00:17:26,354
I'm going to the bathroom.
413
00:17:26,439 --> 00:17:27,722
Okay.
414
00:17:27,807 --> 00:17:29,607
'scuse me.
415
00:17:29,643 --> 00:17:30,975
'scuse me.
416
00:17:31,027 --> 00:17:32,894
- Can you quiet down?
- 'scuse me.
417
00:17:32,979 --> 00:17:34,562
- Meegan, you're being loud.
- 'scuse me.
418
00:17:34,648 --> 00:17:37,482
- Shh.
- And...'scuse me.
419
00:17:49,496 --> 00:17:51,996
Meegan.
420
00:17:52,082 --> 00:17:55,300
Meegan?
Meegan, what are you doing?
421
00:17:55,335 --> 00:17:56,718
- Andre?
- Meegan.
422
00:17:56,803 --> 00:17:58,419
Andre, where are you?
423
00:17:58,505 --> 00:18:00,138
- Shh.
- You shh.
424
00:18:00,173 --> 00:18:02,557
- I'm looking for my boyfriend.
- Just go.
425
00:18:02,642 --> 00:18:04,008
Okay, I'm doing it right now,
dude.
426
00:18:04,094 --> 00:18:05,593
Meegan.
427
00:18:05,679 --> 00:18:07,011
- Andre?
- Meegan.
428
00:18:07,063 --> 00:18:08,846
- Shh!
- Quiet down.
429
00:18:08,899 --> 00:18:11,933
- Don't shh me.
- I'm shushing you.
430
00:18:12,018 --> 00:18:13,518
Andre?
431
00:18:13,570 --> 00:18:15,436
Meegan.
432
00:18:15,522 --> 00:18:16,604
Andre?
433
00:18:16,690 --> 00:18:17,522
- Meegan.
- Andre?
434
00:18:17,574 --> 00:18:19,023
Meegan, come here.
435
00:18:19,075 --> 00:18:20,358
- Andre?
- Meegan.
436
00:18:20,443 --> 00:18:21,743
- Andre?
- Meegan.
437
00:18:21,828 --> 00:18:22,944
- Andre?
- Meegan.
438
00:18:23,029 --> 00:18:24,162
- Andre?
- Meegan.
439
00:18:24,230 --> 00:18:26,497
- Andre?
- Oh, my God.
440
00:18:26,533 --> 00:18:29,282
Why wouldn't you go back
to where you were before?
441
00:18:31,955 --> 00:18:34,038
Siri, call Andre.
442
00:18:34,090 --> 00:18:35,623
Don't call me.
443
00:18:35,709 --> 00:18:37,675
Don't do that.
Meegan.
444
00:18:41,047 --> 00:18:42,764
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
445
00:18:42,949 --> 00:18:44,282
Meegan, what is wrong with you?
446
00:18:44,317 --> 00:18:46,484
- What the [bleep] are you doing?
- Andre, where are you?
447
00:18:46,569 --> 00:18:48,820
- I'm behind you.
- Will you FaceTime me?
448
00:18:48,905 --> 00:18:51,155
I'm not gonna do it right now.
You wouldn't be able to see me.
449
00:18:51,207 --> 00:18:52,957
- It's [bleep] dark in here.
- I know.
450
00:18:52,992 --> 00:18:54,459
That's why I can't find you.
451
00:18:54,494 --> 00:18:57,078
I'm directly behind you.
Turn around.
452
00:18:57,163 --> 00:18:59,547
Okay, I'm gonna turn around.
453
00:18:59,632 --> 00:19:01,332
You didn't need
to announce it, just do it.
454
00:19:01,384 --> 00:19:03,000
You d-- I'm right there.
[bleep].
455
00:19:03,053 --> 00:19:04,085
[bleep].
[bleep].
456
00:19:04,170 --> 00:19:05,970
Stop yelling at me!
457
00:19:06,005 --> 00:19:08,139
Meegan, have you
sustained a head injury
458
00:19:08,174 --> 00:19:10,091
or had a stroke
in the last ten minutes?
459
00:19:10,176 --> 00:19:11,809
What do you mean by that?
460
00:19:11,845 --> 00:19:13,061
Meegan.
461
00:19:13,146 --> 00:19:15,980
- Dude, put your phone away.
- Yup. Yup.
462
00:19:16,015 --> 00:19:18,182
OMG, did you just hang up
on me?
463
00:19:18,234 --> 00:19:19,183
Yes.
464
00:19:19,235 --> 00:19:20,234
I'm not talking to you, sir.
465
00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:21,903
I'm talking to my boyfriend.
466
00:19:21,988 --> 00:19:24,522
It's me, Meegan.
467
00:19:24,607 --> 00:19:26,324
- Andre!
- You need to get out of here.
468
00:19:26,359 --> 00:19:28,159
No, you get out of here.
I can go wherever I want.
469
00:19:28,194 --> 00:19:29,861
I'm looking for my boyfriend.
470
00:19:29,913 --> 00:19:32,780
Andre?
Andre?
471
00:19:32,866 --> 00:19:35,116
Shut-- Get off me, Mr. Director.
472
00:19:35,201 --> 00:19:36,215
He's not the director.
473
00:19:36,267 --> 00:19:38,208
Can you shine this light
on the audience?
474
00:19:38,264 --> 00:19:39,370
I want to see my boyfriend.
475
00:19:39,422 --> 00:19:40,838
Let me see something.
476
00:19:40,874 --> 00:19:42,743
Ah!
The light's in my eyes.
477
00:19:42,793 --> 00:19:44,415
Meegan, get out
of the projection booth!
478
00:19:44,476 --> 00:19:47,135
- Shh.
- Don't shush me.
479
00:19:49,679 --> 00:19:50,774
'scuse me.
480
00:19:52,107 --> 00:19:53,172
'scuse me.
481
00:19:54,185 --> 00:19:57,502
'scuse me.
And...
482
00:19:58,659 --> 00:20:00,056
'scuse me.
483
00:20:02,709 --> 00:20:04,046
I couldn't find the bathroom.
484
00:20:11,774 --> 00:20:13,354
Pfft... I'll tell you what, man.
485
00:20:13,497 --> 00:20:15,758
- Hm-mmm.
- I'm not mad if we're pretending,
486
00:20:15,818 --> 00:20:17,818
- I'm a wuss.
- Hm-mmm. I know.
487
00:20:17,893 --> 00:20:20,020
Sometimes, I'll be coming
into the house, talking about
488
00:20:20,069 --> 00:20:21,652
- "Can we just turn the air on?"
- Hm-mmm.
489
00:20:21,685 --> 00:20:22,707
The wife says,
"Oh, you want to turn the air on?"
490
00:20:22,731 --> 00:20:24,611
Like, yeah, I'm dying up
in this bitch.
491
00:20:24,636 --> 00:20:25,649
Me too.
492
00:20:25,897 --> 00:20:27,543
And my girl be talking about
493
00:20:27,567 --> 00:20:28,853
"Really? I'm cold."
494
00:20:30,686 --> 00:20:31,763
"You cold?"
495
00:20:31,846 --> 00:20:33,263
If she uses the card again,
I'll go
496
00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:34,990
- "What is going on?"
- What is going on?
497
00:20:35,085 --> 00:20:36,148
Tell me I'm sorry.
498
00:20:36,184 --> 00:20:38,422
If I look at a thermostat
which is on 74,
499
00:20:38,541 --> 00:20:40,215
- that's hot.
- Exactly.
500
00:20:40,251 --> 00:20:43,063
- 74 is hot.
- Let me turn the thermostat down
501
00:20:43,134 --> 00:20:45,098
and couch snuggle,
'cause I run warm.
502
00:20:45,110 --> 00:20:46,978
My furn is your ass
out right now.
503
00:20:46,980 --> 00:20:48,503
Furn is your ass...
504
00:20:48,503 --> 00:20:50,788
I'm heating for two
in this bitch.
505
00:20:50,823 --> 00:20:53,121
- Why you gotta be across the room...
- Heating for two...
506
00:20:53,154 --> 00:20:54,151
freezing?
507
00:20:54,163 --> 00:20:56,237
♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪
508
00:20:56,285 --> 00:20:58,226
Oh, yeah...
509
00:20:58,226 --> 00:20:59,833
Sync & corrections by dwigt
35586
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