Original subtitles

Hi.

You know, you've done crazy stunts before,

but this is the craziest.

I don't care. I just wanted to make sure that I got to swim

in the Mediter-r-r-ranean at least once.

But it's such a cold day.

Wasn't it freezing?

Y-Y-Y-yes.

Go and put some warm clothes on.

Ok-k-k-k... Ok-k-k-k...

K-K-K-K-kay, yeah.

- Okay. - Go ahead, go ahead.

It was good, though, I liked it.

[Fred] I can't believe it, Ethel, that's all. I just can't believe it.

If you'll just stop talking, I'll prove it to you.

- Where's Lucy? - Getting out of her bathing suit.

There.

All right, Ethel, I'm convinced.

I don't know why I ever doubt anything Miss Crazy Quilt does.

Yeah, you should know better than that by now, Fred.

Are you all packed?

Yeah, and when you finish,

I'm gonna send all the baggage down to the bus depot.

The bus depot? Isn't there a train to Nice?

Yeah, but the bus is cheaper, and you know me.

Boy, do we know you.

Yeah.

Besides, we'll get to see more of the country if we go by bus.

Bus? What's this about a bus?

Well, well, if isn't

the poor man's Florence Chadwick.

Fred wants to go to Nice by bus.

The train's faster, but I vote for the bus because it's cheaper.

Well, I vote for the train.

And I vote for the train.

I vote for bicycles.

There, you see?

Bicycles?

Yeah, bicycles.

How'd that get on the ballot?

Everybody in Italy rides bicycles.

Why shouldn't we?

From here to Nice?

Oh, I looked it up on the map

and it's only about that far from here to Nice.

Have you ever tried riding that far on a bicycle?

That's probably a hundred miles.

That's a hundred miles?

Actually, Nice is about 35 miles from here.

There, I knew that couldn't be a hundred miles.

Well, you'll never get me up on a bicycle.

On behalf of bicycle seats everywhere, thank you.

Oh, Fred.

Just forget it, honey.

[Ethel] Yes.

What is the matter with the three of you?

You wouldn't climb to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

You wouldn't ride the ski lift in Switzerland.

You won't swim in the Mediterranean

and now you don't want to bicycle along the Italian Riviera.

Nothing personal,

but I sure am traveling with three wet blankets.

Some group--

Three wet blankets and a crazy quilt.

Well, I don't care what you do.

You get bus tickets or train tickets, whatever you want.

Well, that's better.

I am going to Nice by bicycle.

Okay, you can go to Nice whichever way you want to go.

Very well, I shall.

All right.

That's telling her, Rick.

Yeah, no dame's gonna lead you around by the nose.

Yeah.

- Fred. - What?

You'd better rent me two bicycles.

- What? - What?

What am I gonna do?

I can't let her ride all over Italy by herself.

I may never see her again.

Yeah.

Now, now, go ahead, get two bikes.

You and Ethel go on the bus and we'll meet you there.

Well, if you're gonna do it...

Let's do it, too, huh, Fred?

You can get one of those bicycles built for two.

Yeah, that'll be fine for you, but what am I gonna ride?

Ah, you know, it might be fun at that.

- Well, it'll be an experience. - Yeah.

Honey, you win.

We're all going to Nice by bicycle.

Well, wonderful.

Fred, you go ahead and rent some bicycles for all of us, huh?

- Okey dokey. - That won't be necessary, Fred.

- Why not? - I just did.

Boy, I never seen so many hills in my life.

Ooh, are my legs tired.

It's good for 'em. Makes strong leg muscles.

Oh, sure. Just what I need.

I can play the conga drum with my feet.

Well, let's rest awhile.

Wait for Fred and Ethel.

Don't tell me that the six-day bicycle racer is getting tired.

Eh, just a little.

But I have an idea that Nice is right over that next hill.

Are you kidding?

We haven't even reached the French border.

Ew.

Ew.

Hi.

Oh, boy, I'm exhausted.

Me, too, I'm beat.

I'm just one big charley horse.

Yeah.

For even thinking of coming over here by bicycle,

I should have my head examined.

My trouble is in an entirely different spot.

Come on, let's push on.

Push on?

Oh, honey, I'm too tired.

Besides, it's getting late.

Yeah, that's right.

Don't you think we ought to find someplace to spend the night?

Hey, Rick, there's a farmer.

Yeah, maybe he can put us up for the night.

- Yeah. - Uh, signor?

Ah, salve, signori, volete qualche cosa?

Do you speak English?

Huh?

English. You speak it?

Non capisco.

Ethel, use your Italian.

Oh.

Uh...

Buona sera.

Uh, buona sera.

Parla italiano benissimo, signora.

Benvenuta nella Mia povera cascina

posso dare qualche cosa per voi?

Voi siete americani, vero?

A noi fa piacere di avere

degli americani fra di noi.

Yeah. What'd he say? What'd he say?

I don't even know what I said.

How are we gonna ask him to put us up for the night if we can't talk to him?

I know, I'll use sign language.

- Anybody can understand that. - All right.

Um, uh... uh, signor.

Si.

Um... uh...

Uh, let's see now, we want two rooms

in your house overnight, huh?

Um... uh, we... uh, two rooms

in your house overnight.

- We want two... - Due.

Due. Due, due. That's right.

Um, uh... we want two rooms.

Second word.

Uh, uh, uh...

Due.

Due, due.

Uh... uh... we want two...

- Room, room! - That's right!

Not you, Fred.

Look, I'll act out the whole thing. Give me room.

- Room? - Yeah.

- All right. - Um...

Watch me.

Um... uh...

Eh, ho capito.

Volete dormire qui.

Venite con me.

We made contact.

Good work.

Venite arrangiar come datevi.

Queste stanze non sopravanzano

ma è meglio che fuori all'aperto.

Eccola, vedete uno e due.

Uh-oh. I guess he didn't understand me as well as I thought.

I'll try again.

You've done enough already, Marcel Marceau.

Now, just wait a minute.

Look, how about your house?

Uh, your house.

Uh, your-your house.

Uh, casa.

Ah, casa mia.

Yeah, casa you-a.

No, no, signora,

in casa Mia ci sono molti bambini

molti bambini.

Teresa.

Sofia, Luigia, Pietro,

Dino e Gino,

Rosa, Mario e Antonio.

Molti bambini.

Nine children--

No wonder there's no room in the house.

I'm surprised there's room in the barn.

Allora, buona notte e buon sonno.

Vi svegliero presto domani mattina, arrivederci.

All right. Grazie.

- Grazie. - Yeah. Grazie.

Well, at least we're not gonna be lonely.

What do we do now?

It's either stay here or get back on the bicycles.

What do you say, honeybunch, should we turn in?

Why not?

Well, don't just stand there-- grab a pitchfork and make up our bed.

Oh...

Oh, Ricky, honey.

Aw, cut it out.

Oh, oh.

Get away. Get away.

Oh.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

- Good morning. - Oh, hi.

How did you sleep?

Oh, pretty good, but when I woke up, there was an old goat next to me.

So what? It happens to me every morning of my life.

Hey, you want to see something funny?

Come and take a look at my cute old goat.

Ah, Fred!

[Ricky] Hey!

How about that for room service?

Ha, Brownie. Thank you, Brownie.

Speaking of room service, I'm hungry.

Buon giorno, buon giorno.

Oh, oh!

Vi ho portato la colazione.

[Ricky] Oh, isn't that nice?

How about that?

Oh, smell that.

Oh!

Buon appetito.

Un minuto, un minuto. How about something to drink?

- Cosa? - Drink, drink.

O, ma certo, signora, certo.

Vi serva, vi serva.

Milk, how about that?

Well, thank you very much.

- Grazie, grazie. - Prego, prego.

- Grazie. - Grazie.

Well, Ricky, go ahead, milk the cow.

Not me.

Why not? You said you were raised on a farm in Cuba.

I was, but you don't milk cigars.

What are you laughing at? Get to it.

Oh, no, honey, I'm a city girl.

- Fred? - I pass.

Well, maybe we can get some water anyway.

Let's go out and see if we can find some water.

[Ethel] Oh, yeah, there must be a well or a spring or something.

[Fred] Yes, we'll find one.

[Ethel] Hmm... boy.

Good morning, madam.

Morning.

How now, brown cow?

Hey, how about giving me a quart or a... pint?

Well, make it easy on yourself, a half-pint, huh?

You're not even trying.

- Signora... - Huh?

Che cosa sta facendo?

Guardi, faccia cosi.

Prenda questo secchio.

Questo è pulito, sa?

Si siedi qua.

Elimina questa cosa qui.

Lo mette fra le gambe

oppure lo mette così in terra e poi munge.

Oh!

They don't give it, you have to take it.

No so che cosa dice

ma faccia in questa maniera.

Yeah. Yeah, well, uh, thank you.

- Prego. - Th-Thank you.

Ibbidy bibbidy cibbidy sab.

My mother told me to take you.

Hey, watch that.

Well, what do you know?

Ha, ha, ha!

Yeah, boy.

Look out now.

Put that foot down. Put that foot down.

That a boy!

♪ Ya, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

Hey, look at Lucy.

Lucy!

Don't tell me you knew how to milk a cow all the time.

Sure. Doesn't everybody?

Want a drink?

Au revoir.

Boy, we finally made it to the French border.

Well, I thought we'd never make it.

Oh, Rick, can't we rest a little while?

No, let's keep going. We'll never get to Nice. Come on.

Where you going?

I just want to say goodbye to Italy. I sure hate to leave.

Well, hurry up.

Farewell, Italy, with your beautiful mountains

and your lakes and your wonderful people.

Goodbye, dear Italy.

No, I'm not going to say goodbye.

I'm going to say arrivederci!

- Hurry up. - I'm coming.

Good-bye, paisan.

He doesn't want to shake hands, he wants to see your passport.

Oh, my passport. I'm sorry.

Honey, haven't you got my passport?

Look, Lucy, this is no time for jokes.

I'm not joking.

Well, where is it? I told you to keep it in a safe place.

Oh, my gosh.

What's the matter?

It's in my blue purse.

Well, where's your purse?

Oh, my gosh.

What now?

Well?

It's in that trunk that was sent ahead to Nice.

What?

How did you expect to leave Italy and come into France without a passport?

Oh, now, honey, he knows I'm with you.

Look, I... I-I don't have my passport right now,

but I'm with them, and they'll vouch for me.

No, no, I'm sorry.

You cannot cross the border without a passport.

Now, look, I just told you

I have a passport, but I just haven't got it with me.

Now, look, you let me go through and I'll get it and bring it back to you.

I happen to have it in a purse that's sent ahead in a trunk to Nice.

No, no, signora, you cannot go through

without a passport.

Ricky, do something!

Look, if we promise you that we'll bring her passport back,

can she go through with us?

Mmm... mm-hmm, I'm sorry.

- I don't think so. -

All right, all right, now, don't cry.

Now, don't cry, honey.

Look, there's only one thing to do--

I'll go to Nice and get your passport and bring it back.

Oh, honey, would you, please?

- Yes, I will. Come on, Fred. - Thank you.

We'll go on the tandem. We'll make better time.

- I'll stay and keep you company. - Thank you, Ethel.

We'll leave these knapsacks here.

Okay, I'll keep my eye on them.

[Lucy] I'm awful sorry, honey.

- It's all right. - Now, Fred, you pedal!

- Be sure and pedal. - Thank you, honey. Hurry back.

Bye.

You saw my passport. My husband's got it.

I just want to go over there and sit with my friend for a while.

I must have your passport, ma'am.

I haven't got it.

Then you cannot go over.

Well, anyway, it's nice to know

I have a friend right in the next country.

- I wonder what's keeping them. - I don't know.

Pronto, confine italiano, sì.

Con chi parlo? Ho capito, sì, sì. Va bene

Signora, for you.

Oh, it must be Ricky.

- Hello. - Hello.

[Lucy] Was the trunk there, honey?

Yeah, the trunk is here.

Did you find my purse?

- No, I didn't. - Why didn't you?

Because I can't find the key to open the trunk with.

[Ricky] Where is the key?

It's in my blue jacket.

Where is your blue jacket?

It's, uh...

Oh, my gosh.

What's the matter now?

I'm wearing it.

Mira que tiene cosa a decirle...

mandando uno para venir aca a buscar...

Honey, honey, here it is.

I found the key. I found it, honey.

Now, look, look, why don't you bring the trunk out here and unlock it?

I'm not gonna take this trunk for a 20-mile taxicab drive.

Well, what do you want to do? Just leave me here and forget about me?

Well ...

Oh, now!

All right, all right, send Ethel over here with the keys.

All right, I will, honey. Bye.

Ethel, you take this key to Ricky right away.

Ride all that way by myself?

Well, you're going to have to ride there anyway.

- Come on, now, be a good scout. Go ahead. - Oh ...

Pronto, confine italiano.

Sì, va bene, ho capito, subito.

Signora, for you.

What now?

Hello?

- [Ricky] Hello. - Hi, honey, did Ethel get there?

Did you find my purse?

Yeah, yeah, Ethel, Ethel got here and, uh, she brought the key

and we opened the trunk and we found your purse.

Now I have a question to ask you.

What?

Where is your passport?

Well, honey, it must be in the purse.

I distinctly remember when we left Rome to go to San Remo,

I knew I wouldn't need it, so I put it in my blue purse

and locked it in the trunk.

Oh, wait.

Yesterday when we left San Remo, I remember thinking to myself--

"Lucy," I thought to myself,

"you're going to need that passport when you cross the border."

So I ...

Oh, my gosh!

What is "Oh, my gosh" for now?

I put it in my knapsack.

It's been right here all the time.

What?

I got the knapsack right here,

so the three of you go ahead and have a good time

and-and I'll get there

just as fast as my little old legs can pump a bicycle.

Goodbye, honey.

Silly me.

You're never gonna believe this.

You know, my passport,

I thought was in the trunk in Nice?

Well, it wasn't there at all.

It was right over there in my knapsack, so I'll just go get it and give it to you.

Oh, no, no, no, I'm sorry, signora.

You can't go through without a passport.

Mamma mia, I just told you it's over there in my knapsack.

Let me go through and I'll get it.

No, no, no, no, no, mi dispiace.

You cannot go through unless you show me your passport.

Well, how can I show you my passport if you won't let me go through to get it?

Well, I'm sorry, regulation.

Regulations, smegulations!

All right, it's in my knapsack. You go get it.

Signora, those knapsacks have been cleared out of Italy and into France

and they can only be brought out of France

back in Italy by the owner.

But I am the owner!

Can you prove it?

Of course! What do you want me to do to prove it?

Show me your passport.

Mamma mia!

May I use your phone?

Ma, sì, sì, sì.

Thank you very much.

Regulations.

Sheesh!

Operator, I'd like the Plaza Hotel in Nice, France.

Buona fortuna.

Operator, I'd like to speak to Monsieur Ricky Ricardo, please.

Buona fortuna.

What? There's no answer.

Well, I... Please give him this message--

Help!

Thank you.

No, no name. He'll know who it's from.

Buona fortuna.

Va adagio, adagio, eh?

Oh, honey, am I glad to see you!

He wouldn't let me go over and get my passport

unless I had a passport,

and I couldn't get my passport unless he let me go through to get it.

Honey, I'm sorry.

Oh, boy, gee, thanks.

Thanks, honey.

- Va bene. - Well, thank you very much.

Oh, hooray, I made it!

Thank you.

Ah, give it to me. I'll know where it is.

Oh.

Oh, honey, aren't you gonna to bawl me out or anything?

Do something to me, please.

No, no, I'm afraid to get mad.

I'm afraid to get mad for what might happen if I get mad.

But the next time that you get into trouble...

Oh, I won't, sir. You can trust me, sir.

I'll never get in trouble again, sir.

If I do, you'll be the last to hear about it.

- [Ricky] Come on. - [Lucy] Okay.

Get your bicycle.

Oh.

Hurry up!

Your passport, madame.

Well, you remember me. I... I just crossed the border.

I just came back to get my bicyc...

My, but you've changed.

Where's the guard that was just here?

He just left. I came on duty now.

Oh, but he knows all about me.

You see I had a little...

Well... my passport was...

We...

Oh, it was a mess. It was a mess.

When will he be back?

Tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow morning?

Ricky!

Ricky, help! Help, Ricky!