Original subtitles

Oh, Ricky, can you believe it? We're in London!

How about it, eh?

It just doesn't seem real, actually seeing all those places--

Piccadilly, London Bridge, Westminster Abbey.

Isn't it exciting?

- Oh, and look at this lovely room. - Isn't it nice?

- Oh, honey, we have a balcony! - Oh, yeah.

- Will that be all, sir? - Yes. Thank you.

Pardon me, but could you tell me where Buckingham Palace is from here?

Yes, ma'am. It's right over that way.

- Oh, Ricky, we can see it from here! - Yeah!

- Isn't it beautiful? - Wonderful.

Oh, gee, I-I'm just dying to see the queen.

- Oh, have you ever seen the queen? - No, ma'am.

But I came frightful close during the coronation.

- I just missed her. - Aw, what a shame.

But I did catch a glimpse of him.

Philip?

No, ma'am. Danny Kaye.

- I'll bring up the rest of your luggage. - All right.

Isn't this wonderful? Isn't it exciting? Don't you just love it?

I say, old bean, ain't this the nuts?

What a city this is!

How's your room?

It's great, just like the same view and everything.

Uh, one thing stumped him though.

[Lucy] What was that?

He didn't know how much to tip the bellhop.

I didn't know whether to give him tuppence or thruppence.

Fred, thruppence is only about three cents.

- Well, he solved it rather neatly. - What'd he give him?

Nuppence.

Well, it's not my fault.

I just can't figure the money over here.

What was your excuse in the USA?

Fred is now the darling of the bellhops on two different continents.

Well, whether I tip him or not,

remember that there'll always be an England.

Yeah, but it won't always have us in it. Come on, we got a million sights to see.

Let's go to Buckingham Palace first and see the queen.

Honey, it's only 10:00. Queens don't get up this early.

How would you know?

Oh, well, let's just go by the palace and look.

You know, see if the shades are down.

Yeah, and if the milk is in the front porch,

don't ring the bell.

Oh, I won't, honey.

Fred, while their majesties are out here hobnobbing

with the royalty, let's you and I go to the theater, huh?

- Right-o. - Oh, honey, aren't you gonna go with us?

No, I gotta go to the Palladium.

- I'll go get my coat. - [Ricky] Okay.

I'll go get my coat, too. Hey, maybe we can do some shopping.

- Okay, I want to get some souvenirs. - Souvenirs! Okay.

Honey, if I'm gonna go shopping, I need some money.

All right, but no funny stuff now.

What do you mean?

Well, back in Hollywood,

you came home with John Wayne's footprints.

I don't want to find Big Ben ticking right next to my bed.

- Here. - Thanks-- What's this?

That's £10, English money.

- English money! - Yeah.

How much is this in our money?

Well a pound is $2.80 So that's $28.

28? Well, thank you.

Hey, what if I want to buy something less than $28?

You get change, just like you do in America.

Well, I won't know what kind of change I should be getting.

Well, here it is, right in this little book.

Now, you know how much a pound is.

Sure, 16 ounces.

- A pound is $2.80. - Oh.

There are 20 shillings in a pound.

Each shilling is worth 14 cents.

There are seven shillings in a dollar and 12 pennies in one shilling, see?

No wonder the Pilgrims left here to go to America.

Just buy whatever you want

and trust the people to give you the right change.

- All right, honey, I will. - [Ethel] Okay.

I'm ready, honey. I'm all ready to go shopping.

- You all set, Rick? - Yeah.

- See you later. - So long, Ricky.

- All right. - Bye, Fred.

Don't spend all that dough, I gave you, Ethel.

- How much you give her? - $10.

$10?

Well, ten of whatever they call dollars over here.

Fred, if you gave her £10, you gave her $28.

$28! Holy cow.

Ethel! Ethel! Ethel...

Come on.

I told you it was too early for the queen.

Well, she gotta come out sometime.

I thought we were gonna go shopping.

Later, later.

No, let's go now. We can come back here.

No. We might miss her.

Wouldn't you feel terrible if you went home without seeing the queen?

I'd feel much worse if I went home without spending the money Fred gave me.

Look at the book and see if it says what time she comes out.

Oh, okay.

Nope, just tells about the palace,

how old it is and how many rooms it has.

Oh, how many rooms has it got?

Over 500!

No wonder she hasn't come out. She's probably lost.

- Oh, look, look! I see a man. - Where?

Right there. Do you think that might be Philip?

Oh, I doubt it. I hardly think Philip would be out wrestling ash cans.

Oh...

Come on, honey, let's go shopping, huh? Come on.

Wait a minute.

Pardon me, sir, could you tell me when the queen might be coming out?

Quite clear?

Glad to be of service. Good morning.

What'd he say?

Couldn't you understand him?

He said...

- What's that? - I don't know.

And after living with Ricky for 15 years, I thought I could understand anybody.

- Let's go, honey, huh? - Wait a minute. Maybe this man will know.

Pardon me, but could you tell me what time the queen might be coming out?

I say, could you tell me

what time the queen might be coming out, sir?

- Lucy... - What?

He's not allowed to pay any attention to anyone.

- How do you know? - Says it right here in the book.

He's a palace guard.

He's not allowed to pay any attention to anyone.

- He's not even allowed to smile. - Why not?

It's tradition and no one can make him break the rule.

- I bet I can. - Lucy?

I bet I can make him smile.

Now, Lucy...

Hello.

He's a big one, isn't he?

Will you pardon me while I pretend not to know who you are?

So you won't smile, huh?

Come on.

Well ...

Wow, you make Ed Sullivan look like laughing boy.

Did you ever hear the one about the dog psychiatrist that wrote a book?

It's called Is Your Cocker Off His Rocker?

Is Your Collie Off His Trolley?

Is Your Poodle Off His Noodle?

I don't know, that kills them in America.

- Oh, Lucy, what a thrill! - What?

- Well, didn't you see her? - Who?

- The queen. She just drove out. - No! No! I missed her!

Oh, it's all your fault, you sphinx you.

I say, excuse me, I found the answer to your question.

Oh, just a minute now. What'd you say?

I said...

You'll have to pardon us.

We're Americans. We don't understand English.

Could you perhaps talk just a bit slower?

Oh, yes, sorry.

I understand Her Majesty's appearing at 1 :00

at the Wimbleshire Hotel Charity Luncheon.

Thank you! The Wimbleshire Hotel-- That's our hotel.

- Okay, yeah. - We gotta go right now. Right now.

Good-bye, Smiley.

Come on, honey, it's almost 1 :00. You want to miss the queen again?

All right, I'm coming.

You wouldn't want me to have a shiny nose when I see the queen, would you?

What's that?

It's a big mob to get somebody's autograph.

[Lucy] Is it the queen?

Oh, they all went inside.

Come on, come on, honey, let's go down.

Oh, I hope we don't miss her again.

- Oh, we won't. - Oh, for heaven's sake.

- Can you see her? - No, I can't see a thing.

Gee, I didn't know queens gave out autographs.

Neither did I. Can I borrow a sheet of your autograph book?

Thank you very much. Would you pass this in there?

I'd like to have an autograph too, please. Do you see anything?

Nope, not a thing.

- Jump way up. See her now? - No.

Gee, that isn't fair. They live here. They've seen her before.

- Here it comes. - Oh, thank you very much.

What's the matter?

"Best wishes to one of my British fans.

Signed, Ricky Ricardo."

Really!

Well, that's just about the sneakiest thing

you ever did in your whole life.

What did I do?

- All I did was come home. - Yes, you came home at 1 :00--

the same time the queen was to supposed to arrive.

That's the second time today I missed her.

Can I help it if the English people

are nice enough to think of me as a celebrity?

- Oh... - Besides--

I wish you'd never made a movie.

Really.

- I want to tell you something. - Shh...

Uh, could you tell me, please,

what time the queen is arriving for the charity luncheon today?

What?

Oh, thank you.

The luncheon was yesterday.

Well, it's not funny and it's all your fault.

- My fault? - Yes. If we'd left New York a day earlier,

we'd have been here yesterday, and I'd have seen the queen.

Look, would you just calm down for one minute?

I got something to tell you.

Well, all right, one minute, but hurry up! I gotta get out and look for the queen.

That's just what I want to talk to you about.

Now, tomorrow night we open our show at the Palladium, right?

- Yes. - All right.

The royal family's gonna be there.

Not only will you get to see the queen, you're gonna be presented to her.

I... I... I'm gonna be presented to the queen?

- Yes. - Oh, Ricky!

What'll I wear? What'll I do? What'll I say? How will I act?

Honey, I'm really gonna be presented to the queen?

- Yes. - Lucy, did you hear?

- We're gonna meet the queen. - Yes. I'm so excited, I can't stand it.

Imagine me, meeting a queen face-to-face. I'm scared.

You're scared? Think of the queen.

There's nothing to be scared about.

Gee, I don't know how to address a queen. What do I say-- "Hello, Highness"?

"Good evening, Elizabeth"?

Oh, uh, maybe just call her "Mrs. Mountbatten."

[Lucy] Oh.

Oh, you make so much of this.

You just walk up, slip her the grip and say, "Hiya, Queen."

Fred, honestly.

Well, why not? I've seen her in the newsreel,

and she looks like a real good egg.

Oh, Fred!

No, no. I think you call her "Your Majesty."

- "Your Majesty"? - [Ricky] That's right.

Uh, uh, Your Ma...

- Good evening, Your Majesty. - How do you do?

- I don't think you shake hands. - No?

When women are presented to the queen, they curtsey.

They curtsey! Of course they--

- Oh, dear. - What's the matter?

Well, I can't get into my good dress with my girdle off

and I can't curtsey with it on.

Well, you know, I haven't curtsied since I was a kid.

Well, I can remember how.

You put your foot like that

and then you bring it around

and you make a nice bow...

Lower, Ethel, lower.

That's as low as I can get.

The queen's gonna have to meet me halfway.

How's this, Ricky?

[Ricky] That's not too bad.

Oh, say, you know, this isn't easy.

It's been years since I used my curtsey muscles.

- Hey, we'd better practice. - Yeah, let's practice.

We probably are in a big dress, too, you know, a big wide skirt.

[Ethel] We ought to practice a sweeping one.

It'll make it more graceful, you know.

Let's see now. My dress would come out to about there.

Ooh!

Down, girl, down.

Just a minute now, I'll make it.

Rome wasn't built in a day.

Rome wasn't built like you either.

You mind your own business!

Yeah, you and Ricky practice your bowing.

- [Ethel] Yeah, practice bowing. - All right.

[Lucy] Now, let's see.

There, that feels good.

I say, you Americans do have strange customs, don't you?

We were just practicing bowing.

Yes, we're gonna be presented to the queen.

Are you now? Ain't that nice?

Uh, good evening, Your Majesty.

Oh, blimey, that'll never do.

Huh, what's the matter with it?

Well, ma'am, according to British etiquette,

when you're presented to the queen, your curtsey is all the way down,

resting the weight on the heel,

extending the end

and bowing the head like this.

- All the way down. - Oh, that's pretty, yeah.

All the way down.

All the...

This leg is over here.

All the way down.

On the heel.

Then extend the hand and bowing the head.

Boy, I'd like to have the lineament concession for this group.

It's simple once you get the hang of it.

Well, thanks very much for showing us.

Oh, ma'am, one thing you got to watch out for.

- What? - The hind leg.

The hind leg?

The one you puts behind you.

Keep it firm so's you don't topple over.

Oh. I wish she hadn't mentioned that.

Try it, honey.

Topple over?

- Keep the hind leg firm. - Yeah.

Firm and sit on your heel.

That's it, that's it!

- And, uh... - Yes, and keep your...

Whoops-a-daisy.

Aw, you'll get it, ma'am. All you need's a bit of practice.

Good luck to you.

Thank you.

Ooh, I say, governor,

I think I've hurt my hip.

Well, come on. Enough of this. Let's go and have lunch, eh?

- Now you're talk... - No, I'm gonna stay right here

and practice my curtseying.

[Ricky] How about you, Ethel?

Well, I think I'll go with the fellows, Lucy.

I don't like to curtsey on an empty stomach.

Yeah.

After we have lunch, we'd better go to International Artists

- and talk to the fellow over there. - [Fred] Good idea, Rick.

See you later, honey. Good-bye--

- Oh. - Good-bye, dear.

Good-bye, governor.

See you later.

Ooh.

- Oh, hi, honey. - Hi.

- You're still rehearsing? - Yes, sir. I'm right in the groove.

Well, I think you'd better ungroove yourself.

Why, what do you mean?

I hate to tell you this but I found out something this afternoon.

What?

Well, the royal family has a special room behind their box at the theater.

- They do? - And it seems that only certain people

get invited up there to be presented to the queen.

Oh, dear, what a shame.

The Mertzes don't get to go.

Well, they'll just have to keep a stiff upper lip.

- Lucy... - Hmm?

Make it three stiff upper lips.

What do you mean?

Well, honey, I looked at the invitation and it only says Ricky Ricardo.

But surely they mean Ricky Ricardo and wife

or Ricky Ricardo and guest. I'll be a guest.

Honey, no, it only says Ricky Ricardo.

I'm sorry, honey, but I don't know what to do.

Well, couldn't you call Buckingham Palace and ask if you could bring a friend?

I don't think it'll be right to question the queen's list.

Besides, you know, the British people think

that Americans are a little forward anyway,

and I'm kind of representing the American people.

Oh, Ricky, I did so want to meet the queen.

Give me the International Artists Agency, please.

Uh, Philip Wilcox.

Hello, Philip, this is Ricky Ricardo.

Yes. Fine, thank you.

Listen, uh, I got a problem here.

I'd like to ask your advice.

Do you think it'll be all right if I bring my wife tomorrow night

when I'm presented to the queen?

No, her name is not on the list.

I know, Philip, but she's dying to meet your queen.

What was that, Philip?

Ricky, I didn't mean for you to really call Buckingham Palace.

Oh, I see.

Well, thanks a lot, Phil.

Phil!

I'll... I'll see you tomorrow night. Good-bye.

What's the matter with you?

Well, talk about Americans being forward!

And where did you ever get the telephone number

of Buckingham Palace?

Buckingham ...

Oh, oh.

Is that what you thought?

No, I was calling Philip Wilcox.

- That's my agent here in Europe. - Oh.

I just wanted to find out if he thought it'd be all right to bring you tomorrow.

What'd he say?

He said no. Your name is not on the list, it's not proper.

Oh, dear.

He said it'd be different if... if you were in the show, you know.

If you were one of the entertainers or something, maybe he could ...

Ricky, Ricky, I've asked you to let me in that show before,

but I never meant it as much as I do this time.

If you don't let me be in your show at the Palladium,

I'm gonna give you such a punch,

you'll talk funnier than you do now!

All right, all right.

- I know this is very important to you. - It is.

- You can be in the show. - Oh, thank you, honey, thank you!

Oh, baby. If you weren't already married, I'd marry you.

Now what can I do?

Well, now, let me see, uh ...

How about that...

Could you dance the lead in that, uh... train horse number?

Dance the lead? Train horse number? Yeah, yeah.

- The ponies. - The circus pony number.

- Where I play the ringmaster. - Yes, yes, I could. Sure, I could.

You haven't rehearsed it or...

I've seen it, I've seen it so many times, honey, I ...

- You sure you know all the steps? - Yes, I know all the steps.

- They have to prance out. - Yeah, how about that big leap

they make through the loop and all that stuff?

I'd leap through fire and water to see the queen.

Yes, and I know how they prance out...

That's right and I got the whip and the whistle.

Ooh!

- Ooh! - What's the matter?

Ooh, I got a little cramp in my leg.

I guess my muscles are tired from all that bowing.

Are you sure you gonna be all right tomorrow?

Oh, certainly I'll be all right tomorrow for heaven's sake.

A little charley horse-- that ought to be good for a pony number.

Oh...

- -

- -

- -

- -

Ray, tell the chief electrician to put a new lamp in that blue border.

Fred, has Ricky come back from seeing the queen?

No. How's Lucy?

Oh, she hasn't been able

to get the charley horse out of her leg yet.

I never thought I'd never see the day when Lucy'd turn down

- an introduction to the queen. - She's so embarrassed.

She thinks she made a fool of herself in that number

and she can't curtsey.

And she won't meet the queen if she can't curtsey.

- Hi! - Oh, did you meet the queen?

- What was she like? - Oh, Ethel,

she is the most charming and gracious lady I have ever met.

Oh, I knew she would be.

What about the duke? Is he a pretty good joe?

Just as charming as she was. Listen, how's Lucy?

Oh, she feels terrible. She's so disappointed.

Well, wait till she hears what I gotta tell her.

What?

Well, the queen has requested

to meet the lady that did the comical dancing.

- I'm going to tell her right now. - [Fred] Hey!

This is like a command performance.

Oh, this is gonna break her heart, Fred. The poor little thing.

- Of all times to get a charley horse. - I bet she goes.

- Oh, never. - Well, this means a lot to her.

- Besides, it's a special invitation. - But she can't curtsey. I can tell--

- Going? - Well, you won't believe this.

She got into a curtsey position to see if she could do it

and she can't get out of it.

Oh, well, that's that.

Oh, no, that's not.

Wait till you see. She got a couple of ushers and well...

See for yourself.