Original subtitles

Fred? Hey, Fred.

I'll have this lamp fixed in a minute, honeybunch.

Don't...

Oh, it's you.

Listen, I'm sorry I startled you, Fred,

but, uh, I got a serious problem, and I need your advice.

Well, what's the trouble?

Well, my agent has booked me and my band on a tour of Europe.

Going to Europe? Hey, that's terrific.

Now, what's the problem?

I won't be able to take Lucy along.

Yeah, that is a problem.

Well, you see, it's only a three-week trip,

and we'll be doing mostly one-nighters,

so I won't have any time for sightseeing or stuff like that.

And being such a short trip,

I can't afford to take her with me.

Well, that makes sense.

To you and me, yes, but what about Lucy?

What am I going to do?

Well, you could go out some night to buy a pack of cigarettes

and not come back for three weeks.

Oh, Fred.

- Hey, I know how to fix it. - How?

Don't go.

I gotta go.

It's good for my career. Besides, I already signed the contracts.

Yeah, well.

Listen, suppose I tell her the truth.

You think that maybe she'll be reasonable this time?

I know where you can get eight to five.

- I guess I lost my head. - Yeah.

Well, suppose I promise her something else.

Suppose I say that later on I will take her

on a wonderful trip to Europe, just the two of us.

That will never work.

Oh, now, wait just a minute. Let's see how it sounds.

- You be Lucy. - I'll be Lu--

Just pretend you're Lucy and I come home and I say...

Hi, honey. I'm home.

Lucy, my agent tells me

that he has booked me on a tour of Europe, but I ...

Europe? Oh, honey, that's wonderful!

I don't believe it.

I'm so thrilled for you.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Caroline, guess what?

I'm going to Europe. Goodbye.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, now, Fred, she won't act like that.

Are we talking about the same Lucy?

Now, if I promise her a wonderful trip later on,

I think she'll be reasonable.

My Lucy has red hair and blue eyes. What does your Lucy look like?

Well, there's one good thing about this idea.

- What? - It's the only one I've got.

Come on, let's see how it works.

All right, I'm with you.

Honey, I'm home!

[Lucy] Okay, dear.

- Hello. Hi, Fred. - Hi, Lucy.

- Honey, I've got something to tell you. - What?

My agent has booked me and my band on a tour of Europe.

Europe?

Oh, honey!

That's wonderful!

Oh, honey!

Oh, Fred, isn't that exciting? Oh, Europe!

[Lucy] Honey, you don't know how long I've wanted to go to Europe.

For years and years and years!

Caroline, this is Lucy.

Guess what? We're going to Europe.

Yes. Goodbye.

Just call me Dunninger.

- What do I do now? - Well, you're married to her.

I just read her mind.

Hello, Josephine?

Uh, goodbye, Josephine.

Look, sweetie, we got a lot of things to discuss.

Oh, I know. My, my overseas shots,

my tickets, my, uh, my new clothes...

- I can't take you along. - You can't take me along.

Uh, I gotta have my luggage and my camera. I gotta take...

What do you mean you can't take me along?

Honey, sit down a minute, will you? I want to explain this to you.

Look, it's a very short trip, darling.

It's only about three weeks.

I'll be doing mostly one-nighters.

I won't have any time for sightseeing or stuff like that.

And being such a short trip, I can't afford to take you along.

- You understand, don't you? - Yeah, I understand.

- Good. - But why can't I go?

Now, honey, listen, I'll take you on a wonderful trip to Europe later on.

- Just the two of us. - No! I want to go this time.

Well, I can't afford it this time.

Oh, Ricky, you never take me anyplace.

What do you mean I never take you anyplace?

We just came back from a wonderful trip to Hollywood just a month ago.

Yeah, but where have you taken me lately?

Now, look, sweetheart, you be a good girl,

be a good girl, and I promise you that next year

I'll take you on a wonderful trip to Europe, just the two of us.

Oh, sure.

I will. I promise you.

Well, okay, if you promise.

Ah, that's my baby.

What a wonderful wife I've got.

I knew you'd understand.

Listen, I tell you what. Tonight just go out for dinner.

Just the two of us.

- Okay. - All right?

- Okay, honey. - That's my baby.

Lucy, Lucy, I was just down in the market

and the butcher told me you were gonna go to Europe.

The butcher? How did he know?

The grocery boy told him.

How did he get it?

Well, he just made a delivery to Marion Strong.

Well, how in the world did Ma...

Oh, Marion Strong.

She's just a hop, skip and a blab from Caroline Appleby.

What's the difference how they found out?

Aren't you excited?

- When do you leave? - I don't. I'm not going.

What do you mean?

Well, Ricky's only gonna be there for three weeks.

Well, you could see a lot of Europe in three weeks.

Yeah, I know, but he's gonna be so busy, and I'd be all alone.

All alone in those fancy Paris shops--

Just you and Ricky's checkbook.

Yeah, I know, but he doesn't think I ought to go with him.

What husband would?

Oh, Ethel, he'd love to take me if he could.

Oh, sure.

He would, he said so, and he also said since

he couldn't take me this time, he'd take me on a trip next year

all over Europe, just the two of us.

And wipe that cynical look off your face.

Huh.

He gave me his promise.

He's never broken his promise to me.

Uh-huh.

Oh, you just don't know Ricky, that's all.

He's a man, isn't he?

Well, yes.

Oh, boy, what a setup for him.

Three glorious weeks in Europe.

Just the band.

No wives along.

Yeah.

And then a whole week on glamorous shipboard

and then London.

And then Rome.

And then... Paris.

Yeah.

And he says he can't afford to take you along.

Three weeks isn't long enough.

He'll be too busy.

Oh, brother.

Did he ever pull the wool over your eyes.

Yeah.

- Oh, hi. Hi, Ethel. - Hi.

Where do you want to go to eat, sweetie?

Don't you "sweetie" me!

What's the matter?

I know what you're up to,

you-you-you Cuban wool-puller!

What happened?

Lucy, come here.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Barney.

Look, I was trying to get you all day yesterday.

Yeah. Say, Barney, how would you like your old job back?

Oh, you're working for Cougie now, huh?

Well, uh... look, Barney,

my agent has booked me on a tour of Europe

and I need a good manager.

Yeah, a band manager.

Well, look, I can't think of anybody. If you happen to think of someone

that you think would be good, would you have him call me?

Thanks a lot, Barney.

Goodbye.

- Ricky? - Yeah?

I'm speaking to you again.

You are?

Yeah, I know a wonderful manager for your band.

- Who? - Me.

Honey, it wouldn't cost you a cent

and I'd get to go along.

Now, look, Lucy, I'd love to be able to do it,

but a band manager has a lot of responsibilities.

He has to keep the luggage straight,

he has to see that all the boys get on the right train,

he has to make all the hotel reservations...

Yeah, well, give me a chance.

I'll bet I can get your boys all over Europe.

We... we play a lot better when we're all in one place.

Aw, now...

Now, honey, forget it, it won't work.

Well, if I raise the money myself, can I go?

Look, if you can raise enough money to go to Europe,

let me know, and I'll quit the band business.

You didn't answer my question.

If I raise enough money myself, and it doesn't cost you a cent, can I go?

That's impossible.

Well, if I can and it doesn't, can I?

Sure. Why not?

Good! I'm going to Europe.

Oh, boy! I'll call Mother and ask her

if she could stay with the baby for three weeks.

Oh, honey! Honey, you're the most wonderful husband

in the whole world.

Mmm. Yes, you are!

You are!

Uh-oh, wrong apartment.

Oh, Ethel, I don't need you now.

Ricky said that I could go to Europe with him.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

Well, there are some conditions.

Never mind now. I'm going.

Oh, that's wonderful, Rick.

- I'm sorry about this. - She made me do this, Rick.

That's all right.

I'm gonna get to go to Europe!

- Oh, Lucy, my goodness! - I'm gonna get to go to Europe!

- That's wonderful. - Fred, come here.

- I want to ask you something. - Yeah?

Listen, who used to handle your act when you were in vaudeville, you know?

Nobody. I did it myself.

- You did? - I took care of the bookings,

transportation, hotels and everything.

- No kidding. - Yeah.

Hmm... maybe...

- No, it won't work. - What?

Oh, it was just a wild thought.

You wouldn't want to leave Ethel.

Try me.

How would you like to manage the band on this European tour?

Would I? Brother, you've got a manager.

[Ricky] Well, wonderful, Fred.

Wow, Fred is going to Europe!

Oh, Fred, that's wonderful!

You and Ricky and me and ...

Oh, dear.

Don't mind me.

I'll just stay here alone

while you're all having a wonderful trip to Europe.

I don't want to see Europe anyway.

It's so old.

You just send me a postcard now and then

from wherever you happen to be.

Oh, Fred, you have to take Ethel with you.

What do you mean I have to take Ethel with me?

Well, think of it. Ethel all alone here in New York

and you all alone in Paris.

Yeah.

You're a big help.

Oh, now, honey, I didn't mean that. You know I didn't.

Now, just a minute.

Everybody is getting upset about nothing.

Now, Lucy, you tell them how I said you could go.

Oh, oh, oh, he said I could go if I ...

if I raise the money for my trip myself.

- Oh, great. - Well, that's more like it.

Well, Fred, if Ethel raises the money for her trip, can she go?

- Sure, I'm a sport. Why not? - There, you see?

Oh, Lucy, we couldn't raise the money for a trip to Europe.

Ethel, you are not holding a positive thought.

Now say, "We will be able to raise the money." Say it.

- We will be able to raise the money. - We will...

- ...will be able to raise the money. - ...be able to raise the money.

Yes, ma'am!

Now, how much will we need? How much it'll be?

Well, let's see now.

Boat fare, travel expenses,

hotel, meals for the two of you--

I'd say about $3,000.

You see, all we got to do is scrape up...

$3,000?

Money found in overstuffed chairs and sofa cushions:

$9.73.

Money from sugar bowls: $29.25.

Piggy banks: $28. 16.

[GTHP] $15.36.

What's GTHP?

"Going Through Husband's Pants."

Oh, yeah.

Didn't you go through Fred's pants?

Every pair, including his World War I cavalry britches.

What did you get?

A handful of lint and a Woodrow Wilson button.

Now, what does it all come to?

Well, let's see.

$200. 16. Not bad, huh?

Oh, great. Where will we get the other $2,800?

How much do you get for selling blood?

- Oh, Lucy. - What's wrong with that?

You couldn't get $2,800 worth of blood

out of a herd of elephants.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Let's see, how can we take our $200

and make it into $3,000?

Yeah.

How about the Irish Sweepstakes?

Nah, the odds are too great.

Yeah. What we need is a good local raffle

where they're giving away two free trips to Europe

and we got all the tickets.

Ha, ha! Yeah.

Hey! Why not hold our own raffle?

What?

The money we take in will pay for our trip.

Now, what can we raffle off?

Your brain, for thinking up an idea like that.

No, no, no. Now, this is good.

People are always raffling off things

like automobiles, mink coats, television sets.

That's it. We could take our $200, buy a television set

and raffle it off.

Well, I guess it would work at that.

Sure it would.

- Only... - Only what?

Well, raffles are always held for needy causes.

Ethel, at this moment,

you and I are the two neediest causes I can think of.

Is it honest?

It's a hundred percent honest.

Look, we say we're gonna have a raffle. We sell tickets.

Somebody who buys a ticket wins a television set.

What could be more honest than that?

I guess it is.

Sure it is. Now, all we have to do for our needy cause

is think up a good phony name.

Let's see.

I don't suppose we could call it

Two Bundles for Britain?

No. It has to sound real.

How about... Ladies Overseas Aid?

Well ...

Look, we're ladies, we want to go overseas

and, boy, do we need aid.

Okay, Ladies Overseas Aid it is.

Yes, ma'am.

Who you gonna call?

Mr. Feldman, the man who sold us our television set.

I thought maybe he could give us a good price on one.

- Hello? - Mr. Feldman?

Yes.

This is Mrs. Ricky Ricardo, remember?

Oh, yes. Is there something wrong with your television set?

Oh, no, no, it's fine.

As a matter of fact, I want to buy another one.

Oh?

Yes. We're, uh, trying to raise money for a needy cause,

the Ladies Overseas Aid,

and we want to raffle off a television set.

I see.

I thought maybe you could give us a good price on one.

The Ladies Overseas Aid?

Yes. It's a new group but very worthy.

What kind of aid do you give?

Uh, well... just to, uh, pick a case at random from our files,

at the moment, we're trying to raise money to send

two dear little ladies to Europe to be with their families.

Aw, that's nice.

Yes.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll donate a set.

You'll dona... oh!

He'll donate a set.

Oh, Mr. Feldman, that's just wonderful of you.

I have an idea.

I'll have your tickets printed for you

with my advertising on the back,

and then we can hold the drawing in the store here.

Is that all right with you?

Well, that is just perfect. We'll be down later and discuss

the details with you, Mr. Feldman.

And thank you very much. Goodbye.

Europe, here we come!

How about that!

Oh, boy.

I never knew 3,000 tickets would weigh so much.

Whoo!

[Ricky] Honey, is that you?

My gosh, Ricky's home.

Quick, get a hold of those.

Put them in there.

Yeah, dear.

Okay.

Yeah, honey?

- Hi. - Hi, Rick.

- Hi, Ethel. - Hi.

I didn't know you were home, dear.

Well, I got home early, so I was playing with Little Ricky.

Mrs. Trumbull went to the market.

Oh, oh, I see. Well, I'm glad you had some time to play with the baby.

Well, I got to run along and start selling my raffle tickets.

Oh, yeah, me, too.

- I'll see you later. - Okay, dear.

- So long. - [Ricky] Bye.

What's this about raffle tickets?

Oh, well, well, our club is raffling off a TV set

to raise money for that well-known

and very worthy organization,

Ladies Overseas Aid.

Oh, all right. How much?

Oh, well, the tickets are a dollar apiece. How many do you want?

Well, honey, we've gone through this before.

Let's save time, huh?

- I'll take all the tickets you have. - Oh.

All of them?

- Yeah. - Wow!

I think I've only got about ten left.

All right, I'll take them.

- Okay. - Boy, I'm getting off easy.

I thought I was going to have to buy at least 20.

20? Oh, well, let me take another look.

Oh, yeah, by George, I've got 20!

Yeah, I've got 20. Here.

As long as it is for a worthy cause.

Oh, it is.

I don't know when a cause has seemed so worthy to me.

The need of those dear little ladies just gets me--

Right here.

No, no, Marge, you don't have to be there.

Yeah, I'll let you know if you win.

That is, if you let me off the phone. I'm gonna be late for the drawing.

Oh, someone's at the door. I gotta go, girl. Bye.

Yes?

- Mrs. Ricardo? - Yes, sir.

My name is Jamison, from the district attorney's office.

- The district attorney's o... - That's right.

- Won't you come in, please? - Thank you very much.

I, uh, understand you're running a raffle today.

Oh, yes, we are. Would you like to buy a ticket?

No. I'd just like to ask you a few questions about it.

Oh. Oh, all right. Well, let's see now.

Um, we're holding the drawing at Feldman's Appliance Store.

The tickets are a dollar apiece.

We're giving away rather

- a large model TV set... - Uh, Mrs. Ricardo,

tell me something about this organization, the Ladies Overseas Aid.

Oh... ha, ha!

Well, if you promise not to tell my husband

because, uh, we just sort of made the name up.

Ladies Overseas Aid.

It really should be called

The Ethel Mertz And Lucy Ricardo Want To Go To Europe Aid.

Ha, ha, ha!

But then nobody would buy a ticket, would they?

Ha, ha! We just made it up.

Mrs. Ricardo, if you've been selling tickets

under false pretenses, you've committed a crime.

A crime? Oh, no, you don't understand.

Anybody that buys a ticket buys a chance to win the television set.

And someone will win the television set, so nobody gets hurt, right?

Mrs. Ricardo, the people who bought those tickets

thought they were contributing to a reputable charity.

Therefore, you've defrauded them.

Now, fraud is a crime that's punishable by one to ten years in the penitentiary.

But I'm going to Europe.

I don't have time for ten years in the penitentiary.

Well, you just may have to.

Oh, but I didn't know it was a crime.

I wouldn't have done it if I'd known it was a crime.

I understand, Mrs. Ricardo.

Now, look, here's what we can do.

If you're willing to call off the raffle

and give the money back, we'll forget the whole thing.

Well, I will. I will.

Well, I certainly hope so, because once the drawing's actually held,

the matter is out of my hands, and we have to prosecute.

I hope we can make it in time, the drawing is in 15 minutes.

- Lucy, I've come over to ask... - Fred! I'm so glad you're here.

Will you stay with the baby? I have to go downtown.

- Sure. - You'll stay with Little Ricky?

- Yeah. - Okay.

A crime? Are you sure?

I can't imagine why Mrs. Ricardo isn't here,

but I'm sure she wouldn't mind if we just went ahead without her.

So, shall we? Let's do.

Ha, ha, ha!

Now, you hold, Mr. Feldman. Here we go, oh...

This is to keep it honest, you know.

All righty, now, shake up those tickets, Mr. Feldman.

Here we go.

All righty.

- Oh, oh... - Here we go.

Let's see who's going to win.

The winning number is...

Oh...

I'm such a dope.

Number 2725.

Oh! That's me! I've won.

Mrs. Hazel Pierce! Well!

Mrs. Pierce. Oh, congratulations, dear.

Ethel, Ethel, I have to talk to you.

Oh, you're late.

We just had the drawing. Here, take the money, I ...

No, no, no, no.

Well, honey, I have something else.

I haven't thanked them all yet.

Oh, you will never know how happy this $3,000

is going to make two dear little ladies.

Ethel ...

Just a minute, dear, now.

Mr. Feldman, thank you so much.

Well, thank you, Mrs. Mertz.

But I really didn't do anything.

But I never saw anyone work as hard

as Mrs. Mertz and Mrs. Ricardo.

Well, come up here, Mrs. Ricardo.

- Come on, let's bring her up. - Oh, no, no.

- Come on. -

She worked so hard for this money.

Oh, they worked very hard.

They worked so hard, you'd think they were gonna keep the money themselves.

Now, now, ladies,

I have a very pleasant surprise for you.

Who do you think is in town?

- Who? - Mrs. Wolbert.

Mrs. Wolbert?

Yeah. She called me this morning

and we arranged this wonderful surprise for you.

Now, here she is, all the way from Indiana,

Mrs. Dorothea Wolbert,

President of the Ladies Overseas Aid!

My dear, you have done stupendous work,

and this money is more than we've ever

received before at any one time

for the Ladies Overseas Aid...

Uh-huh.

...and I'm delighted

to be here to accept the money in person.

Ethel... Ethel, give her the money.

- Give her the money? - Give her the money.

Uh... Is she going with us?

Ethel, Ethel...

Give her the money. Here, you can have it.

Here you are, dear.

[Feldman] Now, how about a round of recognition

for these two wonderful women, Mrs. Ricardo and Mrs. Mertz?

♪ Forever ♪

♪ Forever, forever ♪

♪ Darling ♪

♪ Forever, darling ♪

While other hearts go wandering ♪

♪ You'll find mine as faithful as can be ♪

♪ Forever, forever, my darling ♪

♪ I'll be your true love ♪

♪ Forever and forever ♪

♪ I'll care for you eternally ♪

♪ Eternally ♪

♪ I've known your kiss ♪

♪ And I've been close to heaven ♪

♪ The thrill of this ♪

♪ Will last me ♪

♪ Till my life is through ♪

♪ I made this promise ♪

♪ And willingly I'll keep it ♪

♪ Forever ♪

♪ Forever, darling ♪

♪ You will find me true ♪

♪ Ever and ever ♪

♪ Forever ♪

♪ Forever, forever ♪

♪ Darling, you will find me ♪

♪ True ♪

- That sounds like a print, Ricky. - Good.

Will you pick up the phone, please? It's someone from the steamship company.

Uh, thanks. Hello.

Yes?

Well, I-I guess we could play on the boat, but...

What?

You will?

It won't?

Brother, we'll play all the way over.

Yeah, thank you.

Listen, I gotta go home and tell Lucy something.

I'll be back. See you later, goodbye. Thanks a lot, fellas.

Bye, Leo.

Hi, Fred.

Oh...

Now look what you did!

Oh, I'm sorry. Where's the baby?

Napping. He got bored.

Oh. Well, thanks for babysitting.

Oh, never mind. Did the raffle go all right?

Yeah, it went all right, but we don't care.

No, we don't care.

What canary did you two cats swallow?

Shall I tell him?

Go ahead.

We raised the money for our trip to Europe.

And legitimately.

How did you two clowns ever get a hold of $3,000 legitimately?

You think he's ready?

Tell him.

Well, I suddenly remembered that

this building was in my name, so...

I mortgaged it.

He wasn't ready! Fred!

Fred! Fred? Fred?

- Is he all right? - Fred?

Hey, honey, honey, I've got wonderful... What's the matter? What happened to Fred?

Fred fainted. Ethel told him that she mortgaged the building

so we could go to Europe.

Oh, you didn't have to do that.

- No? - Why not?

Well, I thought I had to pay the passage for everyone in the band,

but I found out about playing aboard ship, I don't have to,

so with the money I save, you two can come along.

- You can take us for nothing? - Oh!

- Fred! - Hey, Fred!

He didn't hear you.

Fred, you listen to me.

Fred! We can all go to Europe and it won't cost you a cent!

You hear?

- Fred, Fred, we won't need this. - No.

- You feel all right? - I never felt better in my life.

The part of Mr. Jamison was played by Barney Phillips

and Mr. Feldman was played by Harry Antrim.

Others in the cast were Dorothea Wolbert and Hazel Pierce.

Also heard at the recording studios:

The Pied Pipers.

"I Love Lucy" is a Desilu Production.