Original subtitles

["I Love Lucy" theme music plays]

[theme song ending]

[humming merry tune]

Hi, Lucy.

Hi. Hi, Ricky is in the living room, Fred.

Thank you.

- Hi, girl. - Hi.

Did you tell Ricky yet?

Uh-huh.

Oh, I can hardly wait.

Imagine us being members of the Society Matrons League.

Mm, I don't see how you got up nerve enough

to send in the application.

Why not? It's just another club.

Just another club?

They're the cream of society.

Well, we'll fit in perfectly.

[in English accent] "How do you do, Mrs. Mertz?

It's so good to see you, my dear."

"How do you do?"

"Eh, how do you do?"

(mocking laughter)

Oh, dear.

What's the matter?

Do you suppose when we're introduced

to those society- type husbands,

they'll try to kiss our hands?

Well, if they kiss mine, they'll get dishpan lips.

Boy, I don't know how many dishes I've washed

since we've been married.

I don't either.

Let's see-- 20 dishes a meal, three meals a day,

306... I'm going to figure this out.

20 dishes a meal,

three meals a day... 365 days a year...

uh, four, five... two, three, four.

We've been married for ten years.

219,000 dishes!

No kidding?

How about that!

Come on, Mrs. Mertz.

Where are we going?

We're going to revolt.

We are going in there and demand

that our husbands buy us electric dishwashers.

I'm with you.

Don't you ever throw anything but deuces?

Ricky?

Fred?

We're revolting.

No more than usual.

We didn't mean that.

Now, listen, Ricky, I just figured this out.

Since you and I have been married,

I have washed 219,000 dishes.

No!

You can imagine how many I've washed.

Yeah, must be up in the millions!

Lucy!

Well, I was just trying to make a point.

Oh.

Would you mind telling us

what this is all leading up to?

Gladly.

There's a wonderful invention on the market

that makes it impossible

for about-to-be society matrons like us

to get rough, red hands in dishwater,

and we think it would be

a wonderful, wonderful investment.

Well, so do I.

You do!?

- Certainly. - Hey!

They want us to buy them some rubber gloves.

I had reference to an automatic dishwasher.

Well, forget it, honey.

Why?

I can't afford it.

I can't even afford rubber gloves.

Oh, well, nice try, Lucy.

Oh!

[Ricky] Isn't it amazing

how spoiled modern women are?

Spoiled?

Yes, spoiled.

You got to do a little work

and you think it's terrible.

A little work!

Why, honey, this is the electric age.

All you have to do is flip a swish.

We flip a "swish."

Listen, your grandmothers didn't have

any of these modern electrical conveniences,

and they not only washed the dishes,

but they swept the floor, they churned the butter,

they baked the bread, they did the laundry,

and they made their own clothes.

Sure. Where are those women today?

Dead.

You know what I mean.

I'd like to see you girls run the house,

without any of these modern conveniences.

- Well, what about you guys? - Yeah. You couldn't get along

without them any better than we could.

Aw, honey, we're men, we're rugged.

Yeah!

They're rugged.

Why don't you put your money where your big mouth is.

Meaning what?

Meaning that we'll just try

living without any modern conveniences,

and we'll see who yells "uncle" first--

The men or the women.

- Okay. - Okay.

Okay, what do you want to bet?

How about $10?

What's the matter with $20?

Well, what's the matter with $30?

What's the matter with $50?

What was the matter with $10?

Okay, 50 bucks!

What are the rules?

Well...

I know.

We'll pick a year, like 1900

and we won't use

anything that was invented after that.

Good. 1900.

Uh, did they use electric lights

before then, Fred?

Don't look at me-- ask Ethel.

Now, listen, you old...

Never mind, never mind.

1900. That's a good date.

Okay, tomorrow we all go back

to the Gay Nineties.

23 Skidoo!

[all laugh]

Morning, Lucy.

Hi, Ethel.

What's all this?

I've been shopping in a junk store.

Say, those lamps are a good idea.

I was going to use candles.

[giggles]

How's Ricky?

Has he run into any snags yet?

Well, not really.

He got very upset when he found out

he couldn't use his electric razor.

So did Fred.

And what a fuss he made.

I don't see anything so tough

about shaving with a sharp-edged razor

and cold water, do you?

No.

[laughing]

Fred just refused to shave at all.

No kidding.

What's that?

Oh, look at this.

A bathtub!

Lucy, you're not going to make Ricky

take a bath in that?

Why not?

We want to win the bet, don't we?

Yeah.

[Ricky] Lucy!

Lucy!

Yeah, yeah?

Lucy, I want...

Oh. Good morning, Ethel.

Hi.

[chuckling]

[mocks chuckling]

Look at all this junk.

Is breakfast ready?

Well, I was just about to fix it, dear.

What'll you have?

Coffee, toast, a transfusion?

Never mind that.

Is breakfast ready?

I'll fix it for you right now.

Hey, you can't use the electric stove, you know.

Oh, yes, I can.

[whistles]

- Lucy! - Lucy, you...!

You can't light that.

This is the way my grandmother cooked.

This stove is not built that way.

It won't work.

It'll set the house on fire.

All right, do you want to eat cold food?

Well, I guess we'll have to compromise.

You can use the stove, but nothing else.

Thank you.

Where's my coffee?

Coming up, sire.

[whistling]

My grandmother was Swedish.

Howdy, neighbors.

Hi, Fred. Hello, Fred.

I thought I'd find you up here, Ethel.

We are out of butter.

Oh, dear-- I'll run down to the store and get some.

Ethel, if you're going out for butter,

will you get me a loaf of bread, please?

Sure.

Now, just a minute, my pretty maid.

My grandmother churned her own butter.

Yeah!

Churned?

Yeah.

That's right.

And my grandmother baked her own bread.

Baked? Like I bake a cake?

I hope not.

Bake bread.

Churn butter.

Yeah.

Well, you'd like to call off the bet?

- No! - No!

You churn a little extra butter for me

and I'll bake a little extra bread for you.

[knocking at door]

Hi, Ethel, how's the butter churner?

Oh, I've been churning

for two hours.

Well, you deserve a rest.

Put that thing down.

I can't!

Pry me loose, will ya?

My hands are beginning to grow to this thing.

Are you kidding?

I can't get them off.

Well, maybe you can pull it right out that way, huh?

- Pull! - Well, relax now, relax.

I can't! Pull!

[squeals in pain] Oh!

You poor kid!

Oh, gosh!

How much butter did you make?

None.

You've been churning for two hours

and you didn't make any butter?

Our grandmothers must have had arms

like Gorgeous George.

How long does it take milk to turn into butter?

Ethel, you have to start with cream to make butter.

Anybody knows that.

My goodness!

Oh, cream!

Certainly.

Oh. How you coming with the bread?

Well, it-it's very interesting.

You see, you mix everything together,

you put the yeast in, you mix it all up

and you knead it, knead it.

This is what you call "kneading" it, see?

Yeah.

And then you let it set, and it rises, see?

And then you take it out, and you knead it again.

And you let it set, and it rises some more.

Then you put it in the oven, and you bake it.

Well, that sounds simple.

Sure. I had to go to three, four stores

before I could get enough yeast, though.

Why? How much did you need?

13 cakes.

13 cakes?

That seems like an awful lot.

Well, here's the recipe right here.

Let me see.

Lucy.

What?

Three cakes.

Oh, really?

Oh, well, they're small.

It won't make much difference.

Well, now you have to put it in a bowl.

Mm-hmm.

There.

"Now set in warm place to rise."

Yeah, and I'm going to put it

right down here by the oven.

Okay.

Oh! Now, let's get back to the butter department.

All right.

Gosh!

Ethel, help me.

Oh.

Can you lift it?

[groans]

Gee, I must have hurt this some way.

What do you mean?

It's all swollen.

I told you that was too much yeast.

Well, I just won't have to bake again so soon.

Now I have to knead it again.

Yeah.

And then I have to let it set again.

Yeah.

There now.

Oh. You want to get me a bigger bowl?

Here?

Yeah.

How's this, Lucy?

Okay... ooh!

You think that's enough?

Yeah.

Oh!

Sorry, honey, I'm sorry.

There.

Now I let that set and that rises.

You'd better help me.

Yeah, I thought so.

[both groan]

There. Back to the butter.

See, I told you that cream would do the trick.

Imagine-- all that butter

and it only cost me $23.75.

[both scream]

Ethel!

Oh, Lucy!

Oh, oh, my...

Ethel! I've got it.

That's awful heavy.

Let me help.

Oh! Oh, oh!

- Oh! - Oh...

Get this out of here.

You want some help?

Ow! Look, wait a minute.

- Let me turn the bowl. - Oh!

[grunts]

I think this has grown to the bowl.

Here, put the bowl over there.

My goodness!

Well, it's a happy, little loaf, isn't it?

I have to knead this.

All right.

I'll hold the board.

Whoa!

Oh!

Ethel! Ethel!

[grunts]

Whoa! Hang on now!

Oh, Ethel, help me put it on the board!

Put it up on the board!

I'm sorry, Ethel.

Get that pan over there.

A pan?

Yeah.

How's this?

All right.

Oh, wait a minute, there's a yeast bit there.

I got it, I got it.

- Where? - There it is, over there.

All right, ready?

Ready.

Whew!

Now I have to...

I have to shape it into a loaf.

Yeah?

Open the oven.

Oh, open the oven.

There.

You ready?

Come on, now, yeah.

Look out.

- Oh! - Oh!

[both groan]

There.

Now, let's see.

The oven's all preheated,

like it says,

and in a couple of hours,

we'll have some nice homemade bread.

And butter.

Yeah. What's so tough

about this pioneering business?

Let's play canasta.

Okay.

[doorbell buzzes]

Don't you look at my hand, now.

Oh, telegram.

Thank you.

Oh, Ethel, it's from the Society Matrons League!

We're in, we're in!

No kidding.

Look at this!

Let me see, let me see.

"You are invited to a tea

"Friday afternoon at the Waldorf

to be scrutinized..."

Scrutinized?

That's what it says.

"Before your final acceptance

into the Society Matrons League." Yippee!

- Oh, isn't that wonderful?! - Oh, yes.

Now, we have to look real sharp on Friday.

We have to go to the beauty parlor

and we have to get the works:

a-a shampoo, a fingerwave, a manicure, a pedicure,

- a permanent... - Oh, wait a minute, Lucy.

- What? -if we go to a modern beauty parlor,

we'll lose that bet with the boys.

Oh, gosh.

Oh, it looks like it'll cost us

50 bucks apiece to be Society Matrons.

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.

There must be some way.

I know, Ethel, our clothes.

What do you mean?

Well, if we... if we were really living in 1900,

we'd be wearing bustles and corsets

and the fellows would be wearing

high-button shoes and celluloid collars

and those skimpy suits all the time.

You mean, on the street and down to work?

All the time, and you know they'd never agree to that,

- and we'd win the bet. - You're right.

Hey, do you smell bread?

Maybe it's done.

How did the oven door get open?

[screams]

Ethel! Ethel, help!

Oh, Ethel! Oh, Ethel!

Ethel, I'm stuck!

Ethel, get me out!

Oh, Ethel!

Hurry up! Hurry up!

Oh! Watch out for my leg!

Watch out for my leg!

Ethel, watch out, it'll drop in my lap!

Hi, Ethel.

How do I look?

Oh, you look wonderful!

How do I look?

Like a doll.

Like an old-fashioned doll.

[both giggling]

Fred's in the bathtub.

I hid all of his clothes

and left the old-fashioned ones.

Oh, good girl.

That's what I'm going to do to Ricky.

Gee, I hope this works, Lucy.

It will, but if it doesn't, I just had another thought.

What?

Well, you know,

I never mentioned transportation to Ricky,

so I'm going to watch out the window tonight.

And if he comes home

in a cab, a bus or a subway,

we win the bet.

Ah, that's wonderful.

We're in.

I'll see you later.

Okay.

Oh, no!

♪ Ridi pagliaccio ♪

[humming "Vesti la Giubba" from I Pagliacci]

[Ricky laughing]

Oh, don't be so happy.

Ah, honey, I love living in the turn of the century.

I love a hot bath, too.

Here are your clothes.

What, my clothes!?

Those old-fashioned- looking things?

Yeah. You thought it was fine that I was wearing them.

Now wait a minute, honey, it's different with you.

You stay in the house all day.

I got to go out on the street and be seen by people.

Sorry!

Now Lucy, you can't be serious

about me wearing these clothes.

I got to go out on the street.

I got to...

Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Lucy, look out, look out!

[yelling in Spanish]

[doorbell buzzing]

Hi, kiddo.

I am the chicken inspector.

And it's my day to crow.

With a little razzmatazz.

What's with him?

He likes those clothes.

What do I care what kind of clothes I wear

just to fix the plumbing?

Besides, these remind me of the days

when I was a gay, young blade.

[wolf whistle]

♪ While strolling through the park one day ♪

♪ In the merry, merry month of May ♪

♪ I was taken by surprise ♪

♪ By a pair of roguish eyes ♪

♪ While strolling through the park one day ♪

♪ In May. ♪

Very good, old man.

Thank you, sir.

[men laughing]

You know, Lucy, you gave me a great idea.

I'm going to put a Gay Nineties number

down at the club.

Now just a minute, Ricky.

You know you have to wear those clothes all the time,

not just down at the club.

I know, honey.

Be a wonderful advertisement

for the show!

- Oh! - Oh, fine.

[Fred] Hey, Rick, doesn't Ethel look cute?

But what are you wearing that bustle for, honey?

You don't need it.

Pay no attention to him.

You leave it on.

I'm not wearing a bustle.

Eww!

[doorbell buzzes]

Uh, is this the Ricardo residence?

Yes, I'm Mrs. Ricardo.

Good. I'm Mrs. Pettebone. This is Mrs. Pomerantz.

We're the surprise investigating committee

for the Society Matrons League.

Oh... oh!

Uh, oh, won't you come in, please?

Oh!

Uh, oh, this is Mr. and Mrs...

I mean, Mr. and Mrs. Mertz.

[Fred] Hiya!

Uh, uh, and this is my husband, Mr. uh... uh...

[snapping fingers]

Ricardo... Ricardo.

Mr. Ricardo.

Won't you sit down, please?

Um...

we pop in like this unexpectedly

so as to investigate

how our prospective members really live.

Oh.

We want to make sure they're not bringing

their best foot forward just for us.

Uh, do you dress like this normally?

Well, I...

Oh, it's not an every, uh...

Not as a...

Er, uh...

Oh, I see.

Uh, do you mind if we look around?

Uh, no, of course not.

Help yourselves.

Uh, where's the kitchen, please?

The kitchen?

Thank you.

What are we going to do?

I don't know, what can we do?

Ricky, Ricky, you can think of something, can't you?

[Ricky] Sure.

What?

You want to call off the bet?

- No. - No!

All right, honey, all right.

I know how much this means to you.

- I got an idea. - What?

I'll tell them that we're putting on

an act together for our club,

and they caught us right in the middle of rehearsal.

Oh, honey, That's wonderful.

Thank you.

Quite interesting.

Quaint, to say the least.

Uh, ladies, uh, I know what you must think.

You do?

Uh, yes, you see, you chose the wrong time

for your investigation.

I mean, that is to see the way that we really live.

You see, eh, we're putting an act together for my club,

and you caught us right in the middle of rehearsal.

You put on shows?

Yes.

Why?

Why not?

I mean, uh, do you do this for a living?

Oh, no, no.

[chuckles]

We just developed a bad habit.

We like to eat.

Show people.

Uh, Matilda, we've been allowing show people

to join for several seasons now.

Oh, yes, it happened three years ago

when we needed money.

Um, well, we're willing to make allowances.

We'll look you over

at the Friday afternoon tea, ladies.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

Uh, just a minute, just a minute, just a minute.

What do you mean, "make allowances"?

What's wrong with show people?

Well, you must admit

that most of them are a little, uh, uh...

My dear Mrs. Ricardo,

please don't misunderstand me.

The Society Matrons League as a body

does not disapprove of show people as such.

Well, perhaps we have something against the League.

When you get back to your blue-blooded sisters

would you tell them that the Ricardo/Mertz

investigating committee looked you over,

and we have no desire to join

your phony baloney club!

[Ricky] Yeah, tell them that.

Go ahead, tell them that.

Well!

Well, I guess we'd better leave!

Good afternoon.

So long, kids.

Oh, Lucy, you were wonderful!

Ha, ha, baby,

- I love you. - You told those bats. -Yeah.

Oh, Lucy, you said all the things

I was trying to think of and couldn't.

Ah, sweetheart, I'm so proud of you.

I'm going to give you the $50 and call off the bet.

Oh, Ricky, that's wonderful!

Listen, honey, I'm starved.

- Let's go out to dinner, eh? - Good.

We got plenty of food right here.

Well, where? Wha...?

Right here.

♪ Homemade bread with home-churned butter. ♪

[all laughing]

Dive in, everybody.

The last one in the middle

is a rotten egg!

["I Love Lucy" theme music plays]

[announcer] Mrs. Pettebone was played by Florence Bates.

Mrs. Pomerantz was played by Ruth Perrott.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.