All language subtitles for I.Love.Lucy.S01E05.The.Quiz.Show.1080p.BluRay.FLAC2.0.H.264-BTN_track4_[eng]

Good morning, Lucy.

Fortunately, I'm not
the sensitive type.

Oh, I'm sorry, Ethel.

I'm so terribly busy.

You know what day this is,
don't you?

What day is it?

This is the day Ricky goes over
my household accounts.

Well, so long.

Oh, now, Ethel, don't go.

I need your moral support.

I don't think I'll ever
get it figured out.

I know I'm a fool
to ask this,

but what are
you doing?

This is my system
for paying bills.

See, I throw them
all up in the air,

and those that land face
up are the winners.

By the winners,
you mean the ones you pay?

Uh-huh.

Well, what happens if they
all land face up?

Well, then I just switch.

I only pay the ones
that land facedown.

That figures.

Oh, what's the use?

I can't afford
to pay any bills this month.

[Ricky] Honey!

Yes, dear.

Are your books ready
for me to see?

Yes.

Let me know
how you come out.

All right.

Okay, let's see what shape
your accounts are in this month.

I'm afraid...

Well, honey, if you're
too busy this morning...

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I wouldn't miss this

for all the money
in the world.

And that's probably
what it'll cost me.

Hmm...

Hmm...

Is it interesting?

Very.

50 cents
for the newsboy.

39 cents
for toothpaste.

15 cents
for nail polish.

$245 for
miscellaneous.

Miscellaneous?

Yeah, miscellaneous.

Would you mind
telling me

what comes under
miscellaneous?

Oh, you know, rent, groceries,
telephone, electric, gas--

Stuff like that.

Oh, that kind
of miscellaneous.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Well, I'm glad to see you
paid this month's bills.

Well, they're not exactly
this month's bills.

Oh? They're
last month's?

No, they're not
last month's either.

You don't mean they're the month
before last?

No, but you're getting warmer.

What month's bills
are you paying now?

♪ Jingle bells,
jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun
it is to ride... ♪

Wait, wait, wait.

Morbid curiosity makes me
want to see more.

The lights have not been paid.

The water hasn't been paid.

The phone hasn't
been paid.

Why they haven't been
turned off, I don't know.

Well, I've been going around
stalling our creditors.

Huh?

I jollied them
out of it.

Oh, you did.

Yeah, except that this month,

I'm afraid they're going to want
more money and less jolly.

Lucy, this is
absolutely fantastic.

It's just unbelievable.

I would like a lowgical
'splanation of it.

Well, I'd like a "lowgical
'splanation" of it, too.

I make good money.

I bring it home
and it, it, it disappears.

Now, what have you
been doing with it?

I sank it all
in a phony gold mine.

That's very funny.

I thought
you'd like it.

Yeah. Well, I got something
very funny to tell you, too.

- Oh, you have?
- Yes, I have.

You know, you've used
up your allowance

until next February.

And you're not
going to get

any more money
until then.

But, Ricky...

And not only that, but you can't
have any more charge accounts.

I will handle
all the money

and pay all the bills.

Now, isn't
that funny?

But, Ricky, you
can't do that to me.

Well, now, honey,
I know that this seems

very harsh to you right now,

but we got to get
our finances in order

and teach you
a lesson

and this is
the only way.

But, Ricky,
you're so smart.

Can't you think
of another way?

No!

Look, if you can get
the bills paid

we'll go back to
the old arrangement.

Until then, it's
got to be this way.

Now, come on, come on.

Give me a kiss.

Hmm, salty but nice.

See you later.

How'd it go?

Oh, just awful.

He did something
he's never done before.

What?

He cut off my charge-a-plate.

No!

Yes, and it hurt, too.

Aw, you poor
little thing.

Hey, I'm on my way to a radio
show and I got two tickets.

Why don't you
come go with me?

It'll take your mind
off your troubles.

No.

Oh, come on, it's
the Freddie Filmore Show.

You know, the one called
Females Are Fabulous.

I just came from a show called
"Husbands Are Horrible."

Come on,
put your coat on.

No, if there's one thing
I don't feel like doing today,

it's going to a radio show.

But you might
win a prize.

Well, you go
ahead, Ethel.

The first prize
is a thousand dollars.

Well, what would I do
with a thousand dol...

A thousand dollars?!

- Uh-huh. -Well, come on,
what are we waiting for?

Well!

Females are Fabulous.

Welcome to
another session

of Females Are Fabulous,

our very outstanding
program based on the theory

that any woman
is willing

to make an idiot
out of herself

in order
to win a prize.

Now, our first contestant today,
a lovely little lady

who's going to try
for our thousand dollar jackpot,

Mrs. Ricky Ricardo.

Come on out here,
Mrs. Ricardo.

Oh, we're going to
have a lot of fun

aren't we, Mrs. Ricardo?

Yeah.

Tell me, how would you like to
go to the beach this afternoon?

- Oh, I'd like that.
- You'd like that.

Well, of course, we
can't go to the beach

so we're going to do
the next best thing:

we're going to bring
the beach to you.

Bring the beach
in here, fellows.

Come on, get it
right in here.

That's it, set it
right down there.

Oh, isn't that
a beautiful beach?

Come on, right onto the beach.
That's it, Mrs. Ricardo.

Oh, look at that sand.
Isn't that beautiful?

Hey, why don't you
take off your shoes

so you can wiggle
your toes in the sand?

Don't you always do that
when you're down at the beach?

- Yes. -So do I.
It's a lot of fun, isn't it?

Get it on her, boys,
get it on her.

That's it.

Oh, say, isn't
that beautiful?

I tell you, that really does
something for you.

Long bathing suit.

Yes, sir.

Oh, and then, too,

we've got a beach
umbrella here.

You know, we wouldn't want you
to get sunburned.

The sun's awfully bright
down here at the beach

and we do want
you to feel...

Oh, that's real fetching,
that is. Yes, sir.

Yes, sir, that really does
something for you.

You all ready
for our little game now?

Well, I'll tell you
what we want you to do.

You know the song
"My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean"?

Uh, yeah.

You do?
Lovely little song, isn't it?

Yeah.

Well, what we want you
to do is sing that song,

and every time
you mention something

that has to do
with water,

we're going to do our best
to make you feel

that you're right down
at the beach.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

Okay, you go ahead.

♪ My... My bonnie lies
over the ocean... ♪

♪ My bonnie lies
over the sea... ♪

♪ My bonnie lies
over the ocean... ♪

♪ Oh, bring back
my bonnie to me. ♪

Oh, no, now that time, you see,
I didn't squirt you

because the last line had
nothing to do with water.

Now, do you get the idea
of our little game?

Yes, I see.

Sea!

Listen, I've got a notion...

An ocean!

Oh, that was wonderful,
Mrs. Ricardo.

Yes, sir.

How about giving
her a big hand, folks?

Oh, naughty, naughty,
naughty, Mrs. Ricardo.

Well, where's my
thousand dollars?

Oh, no, no, you don't get
the thousand dollars for this.

This was just
a little test

to see if you qualify
for the thousand dollars.

And she does qualify,
doesn't she, audience?

Yes, sir. Now, in just a minute,
I'm going to tell you

the simple little thing
you have to do

in order to actually win
the thousand dollars.

But first we want to present
a check for a thousand dollars

to the winner of last week's
jackpot, Mrs. Peterson.

Come right on in
here, Mrs. Peterson.

Well, now,
Mrs. Peterson,

it wasn't so tough
going over Niagara Falls

in a barrel,
was it?

Well, here's
your check.

She seems to be
a little shaken up.

Yeah, well,
I'll be seeing you.

Oh, no, no, Mrs. Ricardo,
now you stay right here.

This next little stunt
is very simple.

- It is?
- Oh, yes, yes.

I take it
you're married?

Yes.

Never been
married before?

No.

You've never
been married before.

Well, now, I'll tell you
what's going to happen.

We're going to send
a man out to your house,

and you introduce him
to your husband.

Where's the catch?

Catch?

The gimmick.

Oh, I did forget one
simple little thing, yes sirree.

You're to introduce
this man to your husband

as your long-lost
first husband.

My long-lost
first what?

You don't seem
to get the picture.

Now, look, you're sitting
at home at 8:00 tonight,

this man comes
and knocks on the door.

You open the door, you greet him
with tears in your eyes,

you pull him into the room,

and you introduce him
to your present husband

as your first husband

whom you thought
had disappeared.

But what will
my husband say?

That's what we
want to know,

isn't it,
audience?

Yes, sir, now,
Mrs. Ricardo

if you can keep up
this little masquerade

until midnight tonight,

our man is going to give
you this $1,000.

- $1,000?
- How about it?

How about letting me go over
Niagara Falls in a paper bag?

Ah, no.

Now, you have
exactly three seconds

to make up your mind.

One... two... three!

I'll do it!

I knew you would

because I always say
"Females Are Fabulous"!

Give her a big hand, folks!
Come on!

Well, that takes care of
everything on today's program

except Mrs. Ricky Ricardo.

Here's her address.

Now, let me get
this straight.

I show up there at 8:00 tonight,

And she'll introduce me
as her first husband.

That's right.

Now, here's
the thousand dollars.

She keeps up the pretense
until midnight,

- you give her the money.
- Got it.

Good luck.

I'll need it.

What a way to make a living.

I'll get it.

Get what?

Somebody knocked.

I was trying to make
the lighter work.

Oh.

Why, are you
expecting someone?

Who, me?

Who would I
be expecting

at this time of night?

Lucy, you seem awfully
nervous tonight.

Me, nervous?

Why, I was never
calmer in my life.

Thank you.

Are you sure there's
nothing wrong?

No, of course not, dear.

I'll get it.

Hello?

No, I'm sorry, you
have the wrong number.

Lucy, I never seen
you act so jittery.

Are you sure everything's
all right?

Of course, dear.

Well, why don't you
do something?

Yeah, I'll
do something.

You haven't finished those...

You haven't finished
those socks for me yet.

Oh.

Why don't you
knit for a while?

Yeah, that's what
I wanted to do.

Yes?

Madam, can you spare
a bit of sustenance

for a deserving human who has
met with a terrible accident?

No!

Any odd jobs for
an honest, able-bodied man?

No, and we don't allow
bums in this building.

Bums!

I think it only
fair to warn you, Madame,

that you are laying yourself
open for a libel suit.

You get out of here,
you good-for-nothing tramp,

or I'll call the police.

Aha! I thought you'd
change your tune.

Change my tune...

Well, it'll do
you no good.

I'm leaving.

Not up there.

The street's that way.

What deplorable manners.

Lucy.

What?!

I just want to know

how you're coming
along with my socks.

Oh, just fine, dear.

I'm almost
finished, see?

I guess I got
carried away.

I'll get it.

Ah, good evening.

I wonder...

Darling, after
all these years,

you've come back.

I have?

Yes, it's so good
to see you.

Well, it's, uh, good
to see you, too.

I, um...

I beg
your pardon.

Oh, no, don't go.

I want you
to meet Ricky.

Ricky, I don't know
exactly how to say this,

but I want you to meet
my first husband.

How do you...

Your first what?

Husband.

Husband?
What kind of...

Now, Ricky, Ricky,
don't get excited.

Let's all sit down

and talk about
this calmly.

Yes, let's
all sit down.

Sit down, Ricky.

I don't feel
like sitting down.

Now, listen, you,

what kind of
a gag is this?

Well, it's really
nothing, dear.

Nothing?

Well, it's just that
a long time ago--

Before I met you--
I was friends with...

You were not friends.
You were married.

Yeah, just a little bit.

A little bit?

Well, all right,
I was married to...

- Harold.
- Sam.

- Sam.
- Harold.

All right, all right,
so you were married

to Harold, Sam, Julius
or whichever his name is.

Julius!?

You stay
out of this.

How long were
you married?

Well, it was just
a matter of weeks.

Really, it's not worth
talking about, Ricky.

Not worth talking about?

Ha!

Well, we were married
for a very short time

and then Harold had
to join the service

and then I learned
he was missing in action.

Aw... oh, oh!

It was for the battle
of the Argonne Woods.

The Kaiser's troops
were all about us,

and Blackjack Sherman Pershing
put his hand on my shoulder

and said to me, "Sam"--

he always called me
by my nickname--

"Sam," he said,
"gather about you..."

Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

Look, the Battle of
the Argonne Woods

was in the first
world war.

Yes...

That was
33 years ago.

Ewww...

How old were you
when you got married?

I-I was very young.

Yeah. As a matter of fact,
how old are you now?

65.

What do you think,
I'm a dope or something?

You couldn't
possibly be 65.

I couldn't?

Of course not,
look at you.

55 yes, but not 65.

Don't you care what
he says, dollface

you still look
good to me.

A tu te calla la boca

y no le digas
a mi senora "dollface".

[Lucy] Ricky, Ricky,
now don't get excited!

I was married to Harold,
and that's all there is to it.

Well, that's true--
I know it must come

as a horrible and
surprising disclosure...

but the children
are entitled

to their true father.

The children?

Yes, my little
darlings.

Where are they?

Don't you have them?

You've misplaced
them again.

You always
were forgetful,

weren't you,
uh, uh...?

What's her name?

Well, I always
called her Red.

Now, Ricky.

You stay out of this.

What's her name?

Ricky.

Lucy, I told you...

Ah...

the forgetful little Lucy.

How well I remember the first
time I heard that lilting name.

It seems like yesterday.

In fact, it seems like today.

Now, look, am I going crazy
or something?

Neither one of you
is telling the truth.

Now, why would you
want me to think

that she's married to you
in the first place?

Well, uh...

Lucy, I want the truth.

The truth?

Yes. Were you or were you
not married to... him?

Yes.

Well, that does it,
I'm packing.

Packing?

Of course.
If we are not married,

you can't expect me
to stay here.

Besides, you want to be
alone with, uh, your husband.

But, Ricky...

[Ethel] Psst!

Did that man from the
program get here?

Yeah, he's here.

I don't want to take up
any of your time.

I just wanted to find
how you were making out.

- Okay.
- Can I take a peek at him?

Yeah, go ahead.

What's that bum
doing in there?

What bum?

That tramp-- he was
down at my door

not ten minutes ago
asking for a handout.

He's not the man
from the program.

Oh!

Take your hand out
of that drawer.

The honeymoon is over.

What do you mean going
on up those stairs

when I told you the street
was the other way?

Good-bye, Lucy.

Good-bye, Ricky.

Wait a minute,
come back here.

Now, now, now, I resent this
intrusion upon my person.

Those are my life's savings
you're taking from me.

On your way.

There is no need
seeing me to the door.

Mother told me
to expect days like this.

Get out!

The nerve of some bums.

Now, Mrs. Ricardo,
if you don't mind,

I think
that I am entitled

to a little bit
of an explanation

of what is
going on here!

Oh!

Uh... Oh, Ethel,
would you excuse us?

I have a little explaining
to do to Ricky.

You sure have, dear.
Good night.

Now, now, Ricky,
sit down, dear.

Sit down.

Wait till you hear.

It's so funny
and it's so simple.

Well, what is it?

Well, you know this morning

when we had that discussion
about money.

Well, Ethel and I...

Oh, I'll get it.

No, no-- I'll get it.

Is this the
Ricardo residence?

Yes.

Darling, don't
you recognize me?

It's Arnold.

Well?

Ricky, I want you to meet
my second first husband.

Now, Ricky, listen to me.
Please listen to me.

That's what they asked me to do
at the radio program

in order to win
that thousand dollars,

and I came home
and I tried to do it,

and I don't know
who that first man was,

but I was never
married to him

and this is the
man from the program

and he's my real
first husband,

but I was never
married to him either

and that's the truth,
so help me.

Now, if you don't believe me,
you can leave.

That is the most
ridiculous story

I've ever heard
in my whole life.

But it's true,
Mr. Ricardo,

and your wife didn't start
explaining until after midnight,

so she wins the
thousand dollars.

Congratulations,
Mrs. Ricardo,

and thanks for a
very pleasant evening.

Thank you.

Good night.

Good night.

You give me that,
Ricky Ricardo.

- That belongs to me.
- Let's see.

Rent, $250...

groceries, $100...

charge account, $575...

utilities, $74.50.

Well, you got
some change coming.

Well, I should
hope so.

There you are.

Ricky!

The part of Harold
was played by Mr. John Emery.

Freddy Filmore was played
by Mr. Frank Nelson.