Original subtitles

Lucy, I tell you, we're lost.

Shh!

You want to wake them up? We are not lost.

Well, then, Highway 60's lost.

None of the roads we've been on for the last hour are even on the map.

I'll bet we're either in Canada or Mexico.

Oh, Ethel, stop. The service station man

will tell us how to get back on the highway.

Well, where is he?

I don't know.

- Howdy, folks. How are ya? - Shh!

- [Fred] I heard you. I heard you. - [Ricky] What? What? What?

- Eh, what can I do for you? - [Fred] Where are we?

- [Ricky] What's the matter? - Uh, nothing's the matter, dear.

Everything's fine. We just stopped for some gas.

Go back to sleep.

Well, this ain't no gas station. I live here.

You live here?

Yep. For the past seven years,

ever since they condemned this road.

- Oh. - [Ricky] Lucy, where are we?

Uh, uh... where are we?

Uh, where are we, Ethel?

Oh, uh...

I don't know.

I wasn't paying much attention.

Shucks, you're in Tennessee.

Tennessee?

Tennessee?

[Ricky] Tennessee?

[Fred] Tennessee?

You got a bad echo in that car.

Yeah, well, uh, how do you get back on Highway 60?

- You got here from Highway 60? - Yeah.

But there ain't no roads.

Hey, you must have come across that mountain

in them old loggin' ruts.

How'd you do it?

'Tweren't easy.

Tell me, uh, where is the next city?

Well, uh, you can get to Nashville from here.

You-you go straight down here a piece

un-until you get to that big road

and you stay right on it

and it'll take you right through Bent Fork.

Mm-hmm. Bent Fork?

Bent Fork?

- Bent Fork? - [Fred] Bent Fork?

There goes that echo again.

Yeah, well, back over those old loggin' ruts.

- Oh, no, Lucy. - Listen, Ethel,

Bent Fork is Ernie Ford's hometown.

If we run into him, we'll never get to California.

Hey, do you folks know my cousin Ernie?

Oh, yeah, we know him.

He stayed overnight with us for a couple of weeks once.

Well, don't you like him?

Oh, we love him,

but, uh, we, uh... we don't want to run into him.

He'd make us, uh, move right in.

- Well, Cousin Ernie's like that. - Yeah.

Yeah, well, look, uh,

is there any other way to get back to civilization

without having to go through Bent Fork?

Well... uh, let's see.

You're here. You're gonna...

Nope. You can't get there.

Okay, come on, I'll drive. Let's go.

What do you mean, you'll drive?

We're not taking any chances.

We're gonna go through Bent Fork, but as Cousin Ernie would say,

"We're going through like a bobcat with a burr under his tail."

Now get!

That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of.

- Shh! - We were not speeding at all.

You have no right to arrest us!

Yeah, well, that'll be up to the sheriff.

Yeah, well, we'll just see what the sheriff has to say about this.

It's just our word against yours, you know?

I got to make out my report.

Yeah, well ...

Now, look, honey, I know these little towns.

Now, the best thing for us to do is say we're guilty,

pay the fine and get out of here.

- He's right, Lucy. - I think so.

- No! It's a matter of principle! - Never mind that.

There we are. There's the report.

You see, uh, I'm not, uh, normally the arresting officer.

He's sick today.

I'm normally the sheriff.

I'll handle this.

Now, uh, let's see here.

According to this report, by the officer who arrested you...

Oh, that's all, brother.

Now, just a minute, young lady.

This is a court of law and order

and I'm aiming to run it as honest as is humanly possible.

Ha!

Now, you're charged with driving lickety-split

down the main road of Bent Fork at 40 miles an hour.

- Guilty or not guilty? - Guilty.

- Not guilty. -

That's impossible.

You was in the same car, wasn't you?

Was your side of the car going slower than his'n?

No. My side was going the same speed as his'n.

Was you a-driving?

- No. - Well, then hesh up.

I won't hesh up.

- Hesh up! - I won't!

I just happened to be looking at the speedometer at the time

and we were not going 40 miles an hour!

Oh, is that so?

Well, now, how fast would you say you were driving?

Well... uh ...

Let me help you. Thirty-five?

- Less. - Thirty-four?

Thirty-three?

Thirty?

Well, you wasn't backing through town, was you?

No. Thirty sounds about right.

I mean, 30. That's what it was. Thirty.

All right. Now I wasn't brung up to doubt the word of a lady.

If you say it's 30, 30 it is.

Well, that's better.

All right. The charge now reads

going through town at 30 miles an hour.

That's right.

Well, the speed limit is 15 miles an hour.

Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay.

The fine will be $50.

$50?

You tourists got to learn not to go boiling through here

like you was the governor with a police escort.

All right. Here.

- Don't you pay that. - Shh!

Now, looka here, young lady.

Don't you get my dander up.

Well, you've got my dander up!

- You have no right to fine us $50! - That's enough!

If you so much as say "boo,"

I'm going to waltz you right into the pokey.

- Here. Come on, let's go. - All right.

Boo.

Are you crazy or something?

Into the cooler you go for 24 hours.

Oh, now wait a minute. You can't mean that.

I certainly do.

Oh, she just does things like that all the time.

She hasn't got much sense.

Yeah, well ...

- Come on. - Oh... Ricky!

What do you want me to do?

Well, call Ernie Ford.

Oh?

Do you know Ernie Ford?

Well, we certainly do, don't we?

- [Ricky] Oh, yeah. He's our pal! - [Ethel] Good old Cousin Ernie.

- Yeah! - He's one of our best friends.

- Yeah, yeah. Do you know him? - I should say I do.

Well, how about that?

- Oh! - He knows Cousin Ernie.

Yeah, fine, fine.

Yes, sir.

That no-account hound dog.

He jilted one of my daughters,

and since you're such a good friend of his'n,

you can just set in there for 48 hours!

Come on.

- Right in here. -

Well, there's just one thing to do, Ricky.

Go on without me.

Oh, now, honey, don't be silly.

Go ahead. You could send me a postcard now and then,

and tell me what Hollywood is like.

And Ethel, say hello to Clark Gable for me.

Maybe on your way back, you could stop,

and by that time, I'll be paroled.

Oh, now, honey, don't feel that way.

We'll think of something, honey. Don't worry.

[Ernie] Gee, folks! Howdy-do?

Ernie!

Hey!

- Cousin Fred. - Hi, Ernie.

- Hi! - Cousin Ethel.

- Cousin Ricky. - Hi, Ernie.

And Cousin Jailbird.

Hi, Ernie. How'd you know we were here?

Oh, it's the biggest news in town.

Oh, you're all over town.

Biggest news since the preacher dropped his uppers in the well.

Ernie, we're in an awful mess.

The sheriff put Lucy in jail for 48 hours for being sassy.

Yeah, I couldn't help it. He made me so mad.

Well, he makes everybody mad.

He's about as popular as a skunk at the picnic.

Well, he doesn't seem to like you very well.

No, he says you jilted one of his daughters.

That wasn't quite the way of it.

Now, I'll tell you what.

At the last box social I had an extra dipper of cider

and I bid on one of his daughters' dinner buckets by mistake.

Well, sir, before you could say, "Oh, Parker McComish,"

old big-mouth sheriff in there, had posted the wedding banns.

- Oh, that's too bad. - Oh, that's rough, Ernie.

Listen, have you got any ideas on how we could get Lucy out of jail?

Don't you worry, amigo.

Like the United States Murines,

I have come prepared.

Prepared for what, Ernie?

Shh.

Don't cut yourself now.

There.

There.

What do you want us to do with these?

Saw through them bars.

Oh, that'll never work.

Cousin Fred, it is time for desperate measures.

You've heard of being up the creek without a paddle?

We ain't even got a boat.

Yeah, yeah, Ernie's right, Fred. Come on, let's give it a try.

- Yeah. - Yeah, okay.

Oh, geez!

Not yet!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I could have swore I heard a suspicious sound.

Oh?

I never heard nothing suspicious.

Did you kinfolks?

- No. - Oh, no.

- Not a thing. - Very quiet out here.

Now you see there, Sheriff?

You're, you're a-hearing things that ain't there again.

Just like you thought

you heard them wedding bells a-ringing out.

Hesh up, you coward.

Hmm.

Any law against serenading a cousin in your pokey?

No.

No more than there's a law against a weasel

breaking his word to womanhood's fairest flower.

That'll stick in old sour-jaw's craw the rest of his living days.

Now, look, here's what we're gonna do. Come here.

Lucy, you work with her. I'm going to sing a song

and everybody sing and make lots of noises.

- Yeah, yeah. - And you get down there eventually.

- Okay. We have to sing, too? - You sing and sing loud.

Ah, Cousin Lucy, are there a favorite song

that you'd like for me to pick and sing?

Uh, uh, how about, uh, "Old MacDonald Had a Farm"?

Happens to be number one on my repertory.

- Are you ready? - Yeah.

♪ Old MacDonald had a farm ♪

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

♪ And on this farm, he had a pig ♪

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

♪ With an oink-oink here And an oink-oink there ♪

♪ Here an oink, there an oink Everywhere an oink-oink ♪

♪ Old MacDonald had a farm ♪

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

Ernie...

it's much too fast.

Slow it down.

♪ Old MacDonald had a farm ♪

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

♪ And on this farm, he had a duck ♪

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

♪ With a quack-quack here And a quack-quack there ♪

♪ Here a quack, there a quack Everywhere a quack-quack ♪

♪ Oink-oink here, oink-oink there ♪

♪ Here an oink, there an oink Everywhere an oink-oink ♪

♪ Old MacDonald had a farm ♪

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

- One more. - One more.

One more.

♪ Old MacDonald had a farm ♪

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

♪ And on this farm he had a... ♪

A... saw.

♪ Saw ♪

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

♪ With a buzz-buzz here And a buzz-buzz there ♪

♪ Here a buzz, there a buzz Everywhere a buzz-buzz ♪

♪ Quack-quack here, quack-quack there ♪

♪ Here a quack, there a quack Everywhere a quack-quack ♪

♪ Oink-oink here, oink-oink there ♪

♪ Here an oink, there an oink Everywhere an oink-oink ♪

♪ Old MacDonald had a farm ♪

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

♪ O... ♪

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

♪ Lucy... ♪

Say, that song certainly cheered me up.

Ha, ha. You know, music makes me feel kindly toward folks.

Oh, good, good.

Folks, not weasels.

Yeah.

You liked, you liked the song, eh?

Oh, I liked it fine, yeah.

Yeah, well, why don't you go back in your office

and we'll serenade you some more, Sheriff.

Yeah.

♪ Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay... ♪

That's awfully nice of you, but, uh, I feel a little guilty.

I-I was a little, uh, hot-headed back there a while ago.

I'm sorry. I'm gonna let the little lady out.

- Ah... - You are?

Yeah.

Out of the way, weasel.

There you are, young lady...

♪ Write me a letter ♪

♪ Send it by mail ♪

♪ Send it in care of♪

♪ Birmingham Jail ♪

- Ernie. ♪ -Birming... ♪

- Ernie. - Huh?

Look, cousin, would you mind stop singing a minute?

I like your voice and everything, but, you know, I'm kind of upset.

Well, you ain't half as upset as I am.

You can lay the blame for this whole mess

right on my front doorstoop.

- No... - Aw, Ernie, you mustn't feel that way.

Well, I do.

Here you drive all the way down here to Bent Fork to see me

and you was all teeth to see your old cousin again

and you just come a-thunderin' into town

like a runaway mule train, and what happens?

You get yourself arrested.

Now, ain't that the cotton-pickin' end?

Yeah, that's the cotton-pickin' end.

Now, look, it's my fault.

I got you into it

and I'm gonna hatch up something to get you out of it.

♪ Roses love sunshine ♪

♪ Violets love dew.... ♪

- Ernie? Ernie? - Huh?

Do you have to cackle while you hatch?

Cousin Fred, I can't help it.

Singing is the way I get my brain cells to leaping.

I'm a-singin' on the outside,

but I'm a-thinkin' on the inside.

♪ Angels in heaven, oh... ♪

- Ha! - What? What?

I got it, I got it.

In just a minute,

you're going to be breathing the free air of Bent Fork once again.

Well, what are you gonna do?

Oh, let me tell you something.

I'm a-gonna marry the sheriff's daughter.

- [Ethel] Oh, no. Not that. - Oh, Ernie. You'd do that just for us?

Yeah, well, it won't be so bad.

Teensy's kind of pretty-- Teensy, that's her name--

Oh, she's got skin like fresh-churned buttermilk.

Well, it doesn't sound so bad.

Well, she's not bad ...

Come on, girls.

Teensy, Weensy, come on.

Daddy, yes, Daddy.

You can't do it, boy! You can't do it!

I won't let you, boy.

I said I's a-gonna do it and I'm a-gonna do it.

Sheriff! Sheriff!

- - Sheriff!!

What's the matter? Hesh up! Hesh up!

- What's all this caterwaulin'? - Nothing, Sheriff.

- Nothing. - Just playing a game.

I want to talk to you.

I ain't got nothing to say to you.

It's about your daughter's future.

Huh?

Well ...

Come on out.

There. Now, what was it

you wanted to talk about, son?

See here. Come on into my office, Ernie boy.

- Hi, Ernie. - Hi.

Is it all over?

Yup.

What happened?

Well, I went in there

and I took Teensy aside, and I proposed to her.

Oh, Ernie.

And I was that surprised when she turned me down.

- What? - Yeah!

She turned you down?

- Yeah. - Why?

It was Weensy, and she can't stand the sight of me.

Oh, well, how did that happen?

Well, I had a hold of the wrong one.

They're as alike as two peas in a pod

or two watermelons in a patch.

So, when I seen that I had a hold of Weensy

I turned her loose, walked right around her--

Which is no small trip--

And I proposed to Teensy,

and she turned me down.

She said, "I ain't a-gonna play second fiddle."

[Lucy, Ethel] Oh.

- For heaven's sake. - Well, what do we do now?

Well, now, here's the way I've corked the jug.

Now, now, Weensy and Teensy are just a-dyin'

to get into the movin' pictures

and, huh, they're just made for the wide screen.

Yeah?

So, I told the sheriff that you'd just be delighted

to haul them into Hollerwood with you.

- What? Ernie, we can't do that. - Oh, Ernie!

- You can't? - Of course not.

That's out of the question.

Oh, and the sheriff's out here, inviting everybody in the county

for a big farewell party for the girls.

- Oh, Ernie, we couldn't do that. - Ernie, go... go get him, will you?

Tell him to call it off!

Hey, have you any idea where the sheriff might be?

Nope.

"Nope."

[Ernie] Ooh-whee!

Ernie, oh, boy, am I glad to see you. Did you find him, Ernie, huh?

No, I didn't find him.

I got me a horse, and I followed him

from farm to farm, and I never did catch him.

Past hour, I've been a-ridin' on a solid blister.

You can call me "tall in the saddle."

Oh, what are we gonna do?

Hey, hey, here comes the music fellas!

- [Ricky] Oh, the music fellas... - Hey, boys, come here, come here.

Here, here. Come here.

Now, you boys stay right there. We'll be ready for you in a minute.

Well, there comes the sheriff!

- What? - Good. Good.

There he comes.

Oh, Sheriff, Sheriff...

He won't... He won't...

Oh, say, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I was so excited about the party

and-and losing my two daughters

that I plumb forgot to let you loose.

Yeah, but look, Sheriff, look. Come here a minute, would you?

- I want to speak to you. Look... - Yeah?

I didn't tell Ernie

that I was going to take the girls to Hollywood.

As a matter of fact...

Well, just a minute. I don't blame you a mite, son.

You haven't seen them perform.

You just want to be sure they got talent, eh?

Yeah, well, now, look. Girls, come in!

Teensy? Weensy? Come here. Come out here.

- Yes, Papa. - Yeah, yeah.

- Mr. Ricardo wants to see you perform. - Oh, sure.

- Do that "Ricochet Romance." - All right.

Ernie, will you have the boys fire the first shot?

- Would you just listen for a minute? - Please, please, listen.

A-one, two, three, four.

♪ They warned me when you kissed me ♪

♪ Your love would ricochet ♪

Aha!

♪ Your lips would find another ♪

♪ And your heart would go astray ♪

♪ I thought that I could hold you ♪

♪ With all my many charms ♪

♪ But then one day you ricocheted ♪

♪ To someone else's arms ♪

- Now this is the chorus... - ♪ And, baby ♪

♪ I don't want a ricochet romance ♪

♪ I don't want a ricochet love ♪

♪ If you're careless with your kisses ♪

♪ Find another turtledove ♪

♪ I can't live on ricochet romance ♪

♪ No, no, not me ♪

♪ If you're gonna ricochet, baby ♪

♪ I'm gonna set you free ♪

Ha, ha. Yay.

Fine, dear, fine.

Well, uh, Mr. Ricardo?

Well, uh, yeah, well, um...

Yeah, it's gonna be a little difficult to 'splain to you this, Sheriff.

Sheriff, you see, it's got nothing to do with the girls.

You see, this is the first time that I'm going out to Hollywood myself.

I-I don't know anybody out there.

- I don't even know anything about-- - Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What are you trying to get at?

Well, Sheriff, I'm trying to tell you

that I cannot possibly take your girls with me.

What?

I tried to tell you before, but you--

All right, well, maybe you'll change your mind,

cooling your heels for 20 or 30 days.

Into the clink again with you.

- - Get in there.

Papa, we want to ask you a question. Come here, Papa.

- What? - We want to ask you something.

- What? - Come here.

Do you think we could dance with Mr. Ricardo?

Oh.

Ask him.

Before I lock you up,

they want to know if you'll, if you'll dance with them.

I'm in no mood to dance.

Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Let me talk to him a minute. I think I can get him to change his mind.

Now, you simmer there a minute.

Yeah.

Come here. I want to tell you something. You know how to square- dance, don't you?

- Yeah. - A little.

Now, in Tennessee, we got some calls, I'll do this, now...

- Yeah? -

Oh, yeah.

Well, on my calls, you watch what I do and you...

- Uh-huh. -

- [Ricky] Okay. - Now, have you got it?

[Ethel] Oh, sure.

[Ricky] Yeah. Right.

- Okay. - Yeah.

All right, let's do it. Sheriff.

- Yeah? - He said all right.

He'll dance with them if you'll square-dance

so that he can dance with both of them at once.

Okay.

Good lucky!

- Come on out. Form a square. - All right.

Here we go. Cousin Ricky, Cousin Lucy, right here.

Cousin Ethel, Cousin Fred, you get right over there.

- All right. - Sheriff, you dance with Teensy

right over there. Zeke? Zeke?

Yeah, Cousin Ernie?

Come here, come here. You dance with Weensy.

Come here now, right there.

Music fellas, follow me, right over here.

Now, right there, right there.

Are yous ready?

Yeah, yeah.

Let's have some music.

♪ All jump up and never come down ♪

♪ Swing your honey around and around ♪

♪ Allemande left with a left allemande ♪

♪ Nod to your honey And a right-left grand ♪

♪ Hand over hand and around the lane ♪

♪ The faster you go, the better you feel ♪

♪ Meet your honey and meet your maid ♪

♪ There she is, boys, promenade ♪

♪ Promenade eight till you get straight ♪

♪ Promenade her home ♪

♪ Now, the first and third Forward and back ♪

♪ Side couples forward and back ♪

♪ First and third right and left through ♪

♪ Side couples right and left through ♪

♪ First and third right and left back ♪

♪ Side couples right and left back ♪

♪ Now, head ladies chain across ♪

♪ Side ladies do the same ♪

♪ Head ladies chain right back ♪

♪ Side ladies the same old tack ♪

♪ Now go to the left With a left allemande ♪

♪ Right to your honey And a right-left grand ♪

♪ This is the one Keep your fingers crossed ♪

♪ If it don't work, we'll all be lost ♪

Okay!

♪ Now, all join hands, circle and swing ♪

♪ Down the center and split the ring ♪

♪ Now, ladies go right, gents go wrong ♪

♪ Join hands and circle 'round ♪

♪ First couple rip and snort ♪

♪ Down the center and cut it off short... ♪

♪ Now that they're tied up good ♪

♪ Say hello to Hollywood! ♪

Cousin Ernie was played by Ernie Ford.

The sheriff was Will Wright. The twins were Rosalyn and Marilyn Borden.

And the gas station man was Aaron Spelling.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.