Original subtitles

- Hi! - Hi, girl.

What are you doing tonight? Can you come over to dinner?

Well, Ricky isn't coming home for dinner, but I can come.

- Good. - What's the occasion?

Fred's old vaudeville partner is in town.

Not the other half

of "Laugh Till It Hurts with Mertz and Kurtz"!

Barney Kurtz.

Oh, for heaven's sake!

We didn't even know he was in this country.

He's been entertaining royalty all over Europe.

- I saw the postcards. - Oh, that's right.

Listen, can I borrow your big silver tray?

Sure.

Oh, I'm afraid it's going to need a little cleaning.

Oh, that's all right. Thanks.

We have to put on a little dog

so Barney will think Fred Mertz has done all right too.

What do you mean? Fred has nothing to be ashamed of.

Oh, I know, but he's so jealous of Barney

'cause Barney stayed in show business

and got to be a big star.

Yeah.

Fred got out all of his press notices this morning

and put them all around the room in discreet places.

Oh, no!

Oh, my God!

And, if he soft-shoes through the living room one more time

singing "Red, Red Robin,"

I'm going to have to let him have it right in the beak.

Oh, no.

Say, can I borrow your old-fashioned cruet set too?

Sure.

And let's see...

your damask tablecloth,

and, uh...

And the napkins.

And let me see... and the napkins and ...

and your silver carving set.

Why don't you just leave everything here and borrow the apartment?

I'm surprised you haven't asked me to dress up

and go over and serve for you.

Well, for heaven's sake!

I didn't think you'd mind my asking you to...

Oh, honey, you know I don't!

- Oh, I know you don't mind. - Of course not.

Let's see, now, what else can I borrow that looks better than what I've got?

How about Ricky?

That's a thought.

Hey, you know, that's not a bad idea you had.

- You can't have him. - No, no, I don't mean that.

I mean you dressing up like a maid and coming over and help me serve.

Oh, well, I'll see you later, dear.

You run along now. You've got a lot to do...

Oh, come on, now, Lucy, won't you do it for me?

No!

Why not? I never asked you to do anything like this before.

Oh, honey, I can't do that!

What would Ricky say?

Ricky's not home.

Oh, come on, now. You just got to do it for me.

I don't got to do it.

Well, think of all the hundreds of things

- I've done for you! - Oh, honey, I don't...

- - Oh, funny.

Weren't they wonderful folks?

That was a wonderful show, wonderful show.

Honey, what was the name of that mind reader?

- Alexander the Great. - That's right.

Alexander the Great. What a mind reader.

He could tell you anything about yourself.

Yeah, he could.

Barney, whatever happened to him?

Oh, he's working for the income tax department.

Barney, would you care for more beef?

Please, yes, please.

Bessy!

Madam rang?

Yes, madam did.

Mr. Kurtz cares for more beef.

Yes, ma'am.

Barney, tell us all about Europe.

Well, when I was making all those command performances

before the crown heads of Europe,

I thought of you both.

- Oh! - Really?

Imagine playing before royalty!

Well, they're just like ordinary people.

They are? Do they laugh and applaud?

I never will forget the first command performance

in the London Palladium.

The London Palladium!

Gosh!

Yes, you know, I was, uh, oh, I was very hot that night.

You know, I kept it topical.

- Yeah. - I said, uh...

"A funny thing happened to me tonight on my way to Buckingham Palace."

Buckingham Palace!

Buckingham Palace!

Bessy, you may bring the beef.

Yes, ma'am. I'll hustle it right up, ma'am.

- Bring some more potatoes, Bessy. - Yes, sir.

- And some green beans. - Yes, ma'am.

And some rolls.

Yes, sir.

And could I have a spot of gravy, please?

Yes, ma'am-- Sir!

Well, Fred, you seem to be doing all right with a maid and everything.

Well, Barney, if I do say so myself,

- we're doing pretty well. - Good.

We own a couple of other apartment houses besides this one.

And we have a part-time cleaning woman.

Yeah, and it's too bad our two cars are laid up

or you could use the chauffeur.

Well, it couldn't happen to two nicer people,

and I'm happy for you both.

Oh, thank you, Barney. It's so good to have you with us again.

You know what we ought to do, Fred, while Barney's here?

- No. - We ought to get the old gang together

and have a party.

- Oh, that's... - Good idea.

- Yeah. - ...very nice of you,

but it can't be done.

I just about had enough time to visit you.

Oh...

You know, I only have a few days,

- what with the booking agents... - Mm.

- ...the newspaper reporters... - Mm.

...and then I'm mapping out a new tour.

Yeah, Barney, I can see you're pretty busy all right.

Yes, indeed.

But it would be nice to see the old gang again.

- Wouldn't it? - Flying-- Fly--

You know that Sliding Jim Crane?

Oh, Sliding Jim Crane.

Remember Kravetz and Lane?

- Yes! - And the Shardi Sisters!

[Barney] The Flying Harrisons?

[Ethel] Oh, how did you happen to remember the Flying Harrisons?

He remembers everybody!

And you know...

[Ethel] Wait a minute. I just want to ask you one thing.

What?

Do you know what happened to Venus Jones?

- Venus Jones? - Yeah.

- The last time I heard... - Barney.

- What? - Mr. And Mrs. Carl Guppy.

- Remember the... - Oh, Junior Carl Guppy!

- Yeah. - And, uh ...

Th-The Costellos!

- Oh, the Costellos! - The Costellos.

And Frank Parise, Frank Parise

and Adolph Gonzalez.

And what about, what about that phrenologist?

John Fugle, the fire-eater!

Why, he'd spit hot lead right in your hand!

Spit hot lead?

Lucy! Ducy! Desi! Bessy!

I'm sorry, ma'am.

I'll-- I'll get a cloth and wipe it up.

Oh, my!

[Lucy] Spit hot lead.

You know it's impossible to get good servants today.

I know how it is. Yes, yes.

- Oh, say, Barney. - Hmm?

That's too bad, but, uh, are you going to be able

to make Indianapolis on this trip?

I'm afraid not. No.

- Oh, you're not going to Indianapolis? - No, no.

You're not gonna to see your daughter and your grandson?

Have you ever seen him?

Well, not since he was about a year old.

I told them that I couldn't make it this time,

but I said, "The next trip, I'll come out there

and I'll spend a lot of time."

- That's good. - Oh, fine.

- Barney, and speaking of Indianapolis... - Yeah?

...do you remember the night we broke our new act in there?

- Do I? Ho, ho. - Yeah.

With that big hit song we reduced?

- "Byjingo." - "Byjingo"!

- I bet I still remember it. - And so do I!

♪ In the land of San Domingo ♪

♪ Lived a gal called old Byjingo ♪

♪ Ta-da, da-da-da-da ♪

♪ Oompah, oompah, oompah, oompah ♪

♪ From the fields and from the marshes ♪

♪ Came the old and young, by goshes ♪

♪ Mm, da, ya, da, da, da ♪

♪ Oompah, oompah, oompah, oompah ♪

♪ They all spoke in a different lingo ♪

♪ But they all knew old Byjingo ♪

♪ And every night they sang In the pale moonlight ♪

♪ Oh, by gee, by gosh, by gum, by gum ♪

♪ Ta, da, ya, ta, da, da, da ♪

♪ Oh, Byjingo Can't you hear I love thee ♪

♪ Ya, ta, ti, da, la, ta, ta ♪

♪ We will build for you a hut ♪

♪ You will be our favorite nut ♪

♪ We will, la, la, la, oh, by golly ♪

♪ And we'll put them in the follies ♪

♪ Byjingo said, "By gosh, by gee" ♪

♪ Ti, da, ya, da, di, da, da ♪

♪ She said, "Don't you bother me. '' ♪

♪ Ti, da, ya, da, di, da, di ♪

♪ So they all went away ♪

♪ Singing oh, by gee, by gosh By gum, by gee, Byjingo ♪

♪ By gee, you're the only girl for... ♪

♪ Bump, tiddly-ump, bump Bump, tiddly-ump, bump ♪

♪ Bump, tiddly-ump, bump ♪

♪ For me! ♪

Oh, that's very funny!

Oh, boy.

And you remembered most of the lyrics.

- Yeah, all of it. - Wonderful.

And wait till you see what I've got for dessert!

- Oh... -

I tell you, they don't write lyrics like that.

I'll bet they don't.

Boy, I'll say they don't!

That is a real sensational number!

Boy, oh, boy.

Do you remember the night the fella fell into the orchestra pit?

Oh, no!

[Lucy] No!

Bessy!

Huh?

Oh.

You may serve the dessert.

Oh, yes, ma'am.

Sorry, ma'am.

Oh, Ethel, have you seen Lucy?

Ricky, come on in and meet an old friend of ours.

- Sure. - Ricky, this is Barney Kurtz.

- Barney, this is Ricky Ricardo. - How do you do?

- Glad to know you, Ricky. - Glad to know you, Barney.

- Hi, honey. - Oh, hi.

Rather friendly, isn't she?

Uh, uh, uh, you may serve the dessert, Bessy.

- Yes, ma'am. - Bessy?

Lucy, what are you doing in that getup?

Why, uh, she's kind of, uh, uh...

Oh, dear!

Oh, what's the use?

Barney, I might as well confess.

We really haven't got all the money I said we had.

This is the only apartment house we own,

and the bank owns most of it.

We can't afford a maid.

That's Lucy Ricardo, Ricky's wife.

They live right across the hall from us. Our neighbors.

How do you do, sir?

I mean, glad to know you, Barney.

Glad to know you.

Oh, Fred, you didn't have to pretend with me.

Well, you being the big shot you are, I didn't want...

Oh, nonsense.

Imagine you putting up a front for your old partner, Barney.

- I guess it was kind of silly. - Yeah.

What do you say we all sit down and have some cake?

Oh, thank goodness! My feet are killing me!

- [Ricky] Hey, that cake looks good, huh? - Doesn't that look good?

Hey, Ricky, you should have heard the number Barney and Fred did.

- It was so great! - Yeah?

Barney, would you and Fred do another one?

Would you mind?

Would they mind?

Would a small boy mind going to the circus?

Well, we might be talked into it.

Remember the song we closed the act with?

Do I?

♪ I want a girl just like the girl ♪

♪ That married dear old Dad ♪

♪ She was a pearl ♪

♪ And the only girl that Daddy ever had ♪

♪ A good old-fashioned girl With heart so true ♪

♪ One who'll love nobody else But you, ooh... ♪

♪ I want a gal just like the gal ♪

♪ That married dear old Dad ♪

I told you, Fred.

You can't fix that thing by just tightening it up.

You got to take that whole handle off to fix it.

All right, all right. Now, you know all about it. You fix it.

Well, you're the landlord, aren't you? You fix it.

Besides, I don't want to get my hands dirty.

Well, that's swell.

- That's swell. - It's all right.

There now!

If anybody can open that door from the outside without a key,

I'll eat it.

- Oh! Oh, Fred. - Oh, hi, Fred.

We got a surprise for you.

Wait till you hear what happened.

- What? - Wait till you hear.

We just had a letter from Barney's daughter.

Yeah? What is it all about?

Well, we had this idea...

We? I had the idea.

Well, okay, Lucy had this idea to wire Barney's daughter

and ask if the little grandson could come to New York and stay with us.

And surprise Barney!

Gee, that's a great idea!

Yeah. When is he coming?

Oh, we got so excited, we didn't finish the letter.

"Thank you so much for your kind invitation

for little Barney to visit New York and see his granddad.

He is all excited about seeing his famous grandfather perform

during his New York engagement."

New York engagement?

Oh, she must have misunderstood.

"I'm putting him on the midnight train tonight,

and he will arrive in New York Thursday afternoon

- at the Pennsylvania station--" - That's today!

Why, sure it is!

Gee, won't Barney get a kick out of this?

I bet he will.

- - Somebody's here.

[Lucy] We'll have to pick him up.

Oh, eh, eh, B-B-Barney!

Hello!

Come on in. Glad to see you.

- Hi, Barney. - Nice to see you.

Oh, uh, Fred, I knocked on your door.

There wasn't any answer, so I came over here.

Well, sit down, Barney.

Sit down.

I've got something to tell you.

I should have told you before.

I, uh... I'm an awful phony.

What do you mean?

Well, I haven't been in Europe all these years

starring in vaudeville.

I've been living in New York.

I'm a cook in a restaurant up in the Bronx.

- Oh, no! - Oh, my goodness.

This is terrible.

Now, I'm sorry I upset you.

Now, please don't be mad.

- No, no, Barney. - We're not mad at you.

We'd never get mad at you.

It's just that, when we found out you couldn't go to Indiana,

we wired your daughter

to send your grandson on to New York to stay with us.

Oh, no! Oh, I have to wire them not to come.

It's too late. He's on his way.

Oh...

Oh, this is a fine mess.

Yeah, Ethel. Some lousy idea you had.

I had?

Okay, okay, doesn't matter whose idea it was.

Now, the point is that you've gotten Barney into a jam.

Now we've got to figure a way to get him out of it.

- Yeah. - Listen, Barney.

- Huh? - Could you get a couple of days off

from the restaurant?

Well... yes.

Now, listen. Now, you take a room at a hotel,

show the little fellow around New York City,

and he'll never know the difference.

- Sure! - [Ricky] Yeah!

No, no, no. It won't work.

Why not?

Because I haven't got a dime.

I've been sending all my money home for the little fellow.

I've been wanting to educate him.

Besides, I... I told him I was performing in New York,

and I couldn't come to visit him.

That's what she must have meant in the letter.

Yeah.

I can explain to my daughter.

She'd understand.

But how am I going to tell little Barney

that his grandfather-- his famous grandfather--

Isn't famous after all?

Just a has-been.

I had a friend of mine send him a lot of postcards

from all over Europe.

The same ones they sent to you.

Mm-mm.

He wants to grow up and be like his granddaddy.

He thinks I'm kind of special.

- Barney... - Hmm?

You're going to be performing when that little fella gets to New York.

What do you mean? Where?

Ricky, tell him where.

Yeah!

Where?

At the Tropicana!

Yeah, at the Tropicana!

Sure!

Wait, wait a minute.

I haven't been on the stage in years.

I can't do anything.

- Oh, honey, sure you can! - We'll all help you.

- Yeah. - What do you mean?

Oh, we'll do that old bathing bit that you did on the quayside.

- That's a good idea. - There's a part in it for all of us!

Can I be in it too?

- Sure! - Sure!

Oh, boy!

Well, Barney, old boy, are you ready?

Is the show going to start now?

- Right now! - Oh, boy!

Sit right there. All right!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

If you're wondering

why the Tropicana looks kind of different tonight,

with a curtain and everything,

it's because we're putting a very special kind of a show,

featuring a very special kind of a gentleman.

He's an internationally famous entertainer-- Mr. Barney Kurtz!

That's my grandpa!

That's right!

And here's our guest of honor,

Barney's grandson, little Barney.

Let's give him a nice, big hand, everybody. Yeah.

Take a bow.

[Ricky] Come on, take a bow!

Attaboy!

Well, you're really going to enjoy this show

because his grandfather is going to do an act

that he used to do with Fred Mertz about 30 years ago.

And, in this act, they're going to be assisted

by Lucy Ricardo, Ethel Mertz and yours truly.

So here we go now to Atlantic City on the boardwalk!

Well, hello!

Hello, stranger!

Are you here for the convention?

For the dairymen's convention.

Good for you! I'm from, uh, Wisconsin.

And I am from Illinois, sir.

That's a mighty nice part of the country.

What hotel are you stopping at?

Hotel? I'm only going to be here three days!

Hey, you see what I see?

A couple of good-lookers.

Well, aren't they!

♪ We came to this convention ♪

♪ We didn't know a soul ♪

♪ Headed for the boardwalk Going for a stroll ♪

♪ Just a couple of visiting dairymen ♪

♪ We were feeling lonesome when... ♪

♪ I found a peach on the beach At Atlantic City ♪

♪ And there's a peach for each And they are pretty... ♪

♪ Mother told us she would scold us ♪

♪ If we spoke to a masher ♪

♪ If you don't stop, sir We'll call a cop, sir ♪

♪ And he'll come on the run And settle your hash, sir ♪

♪ Now, have no fear Little dear, I've the best intention ♪

♪ You'll hear no bum steer At the dairymen's convention ♪

♪ It may seem bold, but it must be told ♪

♪ You've got me dillydallied ♪

♪ Give me a kiss, you'll never miss ♪

- Sure! - Sure!

- Saltwater taffy? - Taffy?

Ha, ha!

♪ I found a peach upon the beach The apple of my eye ♪

♪ I'll cling to the peach I found on the beach ♪

♪ Until the day I die ♪

♪ I'd give up my money... ♪

- Oh? - Oh?

♪ I'd give up my life! ♪

- Oh? - Oh?

♪ For you, I'd even give up my wife! ♪

- Your wife? - Your wife?

- If I had one. - If I had one.

- Oh! - Oh!

♪ Oh, we'd make a pair A wonderful pair ♪

♪ We'd make a peach of a pair... ♪

♪ Don't mean a lemon... ♪

♪ We'd make a wonderful pair! ♪

Well... my little cutie,

would you enjoy a mint smash?

Not on your tin type.

If you'll excuse us, we're going in bathing.

Well, do you mind if we join ya?

It's a free... ocean!

This is the best convention I ever was to!

Me, too! Ha, ha!

♪ By the sea, by the sea ♪

♪ By the beautiful sea... ♪

♪ You and I, you and I ♪

♪ Oh, how happy we'll be... ♪

♪ When each wave comes a-rolling in ♪

♪ We will duck or swim... ♪

♪ And we'll both have Full a mouth of water! ♪

♪ Over and under and then up for air ♪

♪ Pa is rich, Ma is rich So what do we care? ♪

♪ I'd love to be beside her side By the sea ♪

♪ Beside the seaside By the beautiful sea ♪

♪ I'd love to be beside.... ♪

♪ Beside the sea, the seaside By the beautiful sea ♪

♪ I'd love to be beside ♪

♪ Beside the sea, beside the sea ♪

♪ Beside the seaside By the beautiful sea! ♪

- -

Oh, look at his muscles!

Hey, hey, what's the idea?

We saw these cuties first!

Yeah. Why don't you get a dolly of your own?

It isn't my fault.

What do you mean, it isn't your fault?

♪ I hate to talk about myself But here's one time I must ♪

♪ Your confidence I'll trust ♪

♪ I have to speak or bust ♪

♪ It's funny how I get the girls I never try at all ♪

♪ I seem to hypnotize them ♪

♪ I'm bound to make them fall ♪

♪ They go wild, simply wild over me ♪

♪ They go mad Just as mad as they can be ♪

♪ No matter where I'm at All the ladies thin or fat ♪

♪ The tall ones, the small ones I grab them up like that ♪

♪ Every night, how they fight over me ♪

♪ I don't know what it is That they can see ♪

♪ The ladies look at me and sigh... ♪

- -

♪ In my arms, they want to die ♪

♪ They go wild, simply wild And they're hopelessly helplessly ♪

♪ Frantic romantically wild Simply wild over me! ♪

♪ On the boardwalk in Atlantic City ♪

♪ I found what I waited for ♪

♪ In romantic, enchanting Atlantic City ♪

♪ Down by the old New Jersey shore ♪