Original subtitles

FEEDBACK SQUEALS

BIRDS SING

MOBILE PHONE CHIMES

Hey, Lacie! - Hey!

SCORE INCREASE CHIME

TRAFFIC SOUNDS OVERHEAD

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICK

SHE GIGGLES

SHE LAUGHS

SHE LAUGHS

SHE LAUGHS LOUDLY

SHE LAUGHS GRATINGLY

Ryan?

GUNFIRE SOUNDS FROM VIDEO GAME

Ryan!

RYAN YELLS

| was holding the bomb!

VOICE IN HEADSET: Come on!

Sorry, guys.

Landlord is sending buyers over today so... put your pants on.

Maybe if |! don't, it'Il scare ‘em off and we can stay here.

Not an option, Ryan. Lease is up in four weeks.

Hey, l'm thinking of you. l've got somewhere to go.

Nate's roommate took a job in Phoenix so | get his place.

OK. - Now who's the slow poke?

l'm.. seeing some places over lunch.

Catch you later.

Sorry, that was my sister.

Yeah. Yeah, | bet you'd love to.

ESPRESSO MACHINE WHIRS

SERVER: Jasmine tea?

SERVER: And that's one Brushed Suede.

MOBILE PHONE CHIMES

Do you want a cookie with that?

It's on the house. - Sounds awesome

SCORE INCREASE CHIME

See you tomorrow, JJ. - See you, Lacie.

SHE GASPS

Oh, | saw your boy in the fire hat just now! So cute!

Yeah, he's really something.

SCORE INCREASE CHIME

SCORE CHIME ECHOES THROUGH PATIO

SHE CHUCKLES

SHE LAUGHS

Hmm.

MOBILE PHONE CHIMES

SCORE INCREASE CHIME

LIFT BELL DINGS

Hey, Lacie!

Bets, it's great to see you! - You too.

LACIE GIGGLES

How's Pancakes?

He's hilarious. Such a funny cat. Just the best.

You're still at Hoddicker? - Mm-hmm.

Yeah. It's going pretty great. - Good to hear.

So what brings you back here? - New job, first day.

First day? - At Blankman-Harper.

Whoa! Top floor! That's.

Well, good luck. — | Know, right?

BETS SQUEALS

It's great you're still happy at Hoddicker.

Well, maybe not forever. - No, not forever.

But for now. - |t's OK for now.

It's great for now, yes. Yes, it is.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

PHONE RINGS

SCORE INCREASE CHIME

SHE GASPS LIGHTLY

SEAGULLS SQUAWK IN VIDEO

Lacie? Got you a smoothie.

Got one for everyone, actually.

Still a bunch of ‘em for grabs.

They're from the organic stall at the farmers' market.

Sure. OK.

Mmmi!

SCORE INCREASE CHIME

HE SIGHS

Thank you. Thank you.

We're kind of not talking to Ches.

3.1?

What happened? - Him and Gordon split up.

Oh...

Poor Ches. —- No, no, no, we're all on Gordon's side.

Sure. Obviously.

Ches is kissing ass. Trying to scrape himself back.

Of course, if it drops below two-five, then it's... bye-bye.

SCORE DECREASE CHIME

CHET GASPS - LACIE GASPS

MOBILE PHONE CHIMES

SCORE DECREASE CHIME

LACIE GASPS

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello?

RYAN: Yo, they're taking it. - Who?

The couple the landlord sent over. l heard them talking.

OK.

So, now we move into the light space area.

Ideal for special times with loved ones.

Great food, great company. - Mm-hmm!

Whoa! LACIE LAUGHS

AGENT: Sampled your photo stream to make her.

Great hair!

Styled free of charge at the members’ salon.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God. LACIE LAUGHS

It's hilarious!

AGENT: Oh, you like him?

He's OK. - He doesn't come with the apartment.

But there is a bar and restaurant on site, tenants only.

We have unparalleled metrics on romantic geneses.

Uh-huh.

| gotta say, these places are going like that.

So don't delay if you're interested. - Oh, l'm more than interested.

Standard occupancy on a minimum six-month contract

we're talking... this much.

How often are the payments? - That's weekly.

OK.

A little more than expected? - Yeah.

There's options.

You know our Prime Influencers Programme”?

Do | qualify for that? - No. No, you don't.

We'd need you around a four-five.

4.5?

Hit four-five and there's a 20% discount.

4.5. - That's right.

LACIE EXHALES SHARPLY

SHE SIGHS

NAOMI LAUGHS You're so...

COMPUTER CHIMES

SHE GIGGLES

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Pelican Cove?

What is this? À eugenics programme?

A lifestyle community. - No one is this happy.

À two-year-old with a fucking balloon isn't this happy.

It's actually a pretty cool place.

Like you'd even qualify.

l'm so sorry, sir. - l'm gonna sue your ass!

There's nothing | can do, sir.

Well, it's not hopeless, you're clearly a tryer.

That's the sense you get just from... me?

From your rep report analytics.

If we drill down into the numbers, you have got a solid popularity arc here.

Strong overall trajectory. Let's just look at the last 24 hours.

You see, even...

What's that? 8:40 a.m. You're working hard on your socials.

Great little uptake there. - OK.

Couple of minor dings there. You cut someone off in traffic?

Oh, just a workplace thing.

HE CHUCKLES OK.

Let's check on your sphere of influence. Let me zoom out here.

Great peripherals. Strangers like you, that's a plus.

Healthy inner circle. It's good. - Thank you.

There's a Ways to go, but 4.5 is certainly achievable.

How long do you think?

To hit four-five? - Mm-hmm.

Well, barring a major setback

a public disgrace kind of deal, l'd say 18 months or so.

Oh, | need more short term. Like... much more.

Then you'll need a boost.

What kind of a boost? - Well...

Most of your interactions are confined to your inner circle

and they're largely, pardon the term, mid-to low-range folks.

Same with your outer circle.

You've got a tonne of reciprocal five stars from service industry workers

but there's not much else.

At least as far as | can see.

So in terms of quality, you could use a punch-up right there.

Ideally, that's up-votes from quality people.

Quality people? - High fours.

Impress those up-scale folks, you'll gain velocity on your arc

and there's your boost.

LACIE PANTS

SCORE INCREASE NOTIFICATIONS

Oh, hi, JJ. - Hey, Lacie!

Keith! Hello. - Lacie!

KEITH: You look great today. - Thank you!

SCORE INCREASE CHIME

Door won't open. l'm on two-four.

Sorry, Ches. l'm late. - | just need some stars, please!

Fuck!

Please. - LIFT BELL DINGS

Oh, hi! - Hi!

How's it going at Blankman? - Just great.

Well, | bet you work. good there. - Thank you.

Would you like a croissant?

They gave me an extra at the coffee place.

Oh, no, | already ate. - OK, sure. AII good. Yes.

Yeah.

LIFT BELL DINGS - Well, here's me, so...

SCORE INCREASE CHIME

SCORE CHIME

Don't try too hard. It's impossible to respect.

High fours can smell it a mile off.

You just be you. - Mm-hmm.

Authentic gestures, that's the key.

That's time up, l'Il catch you later. - Oh, could | just ask...

SCORE INCREASE CHIME

MESSAGE SENT CHIME

Good. ol'... Mr Rags.

SHE SIGHS

SHE EXHALES SHARPLY

COMPUTER CHIMES

SCORE INCREASE CHIME

SHE GASPS

Shit!

The fuck is that? - Tapenade. Want some?

Who even are you?

It's just something | wanna eat, Ryan.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Oh, my God.

What is it? - Naomi!

Shit! Ah!

Old school, el perfecto Naomi? You guys keep in contact?

Ryan, just go!

Go! — OK.

Oh.

Oh, my God! Nay-Nay, how are you?

| was just fixing myself a snack.

Oh, Lace, could | just say | a…m so happy to see your face?

Me too. It's been. - Too long.

Way too long. - And that's my fault.

No, it's mine. Everything is just so... - Everything's just so...

Crazy! Oh, it's so good to see you.

When you posted that Mr Rags photo.

| know, Mr Rags!

| just had to call and talk to you because...

# Woo-hoo! #

LACIE SCREAMS AND LAUGHS

Wow! That's a big ring!

Congratulations!

Who's the, um... Paul?

He is great. So smart. Just sweet.

| Know you're gonna love him. - Uh-huh.

So, anyways, the big day... - Yes, when is it?

So, we're getting married in a month

on his family's estate up here on the island.

This place outside Port Mary, Honeysuckle. You heard of it?

No, but... - Well, it's a private island.

Take a look!

Oh, wow! That is. LACIE LAUGHS

| know, right? So... can you make it?

Are you kidding? Of course.

Great, cool, ‘cause | was wondering if...

Lace, do you think...?

Would you be my maid of honour?

Seriously?

Oh, my God.

| mean, you've got such cool friends now.

Are you sure?

Remember when we used to plan our dream weddings

when we were, like, 11?

| Know but we haven't s…. - | don't know, just seeing Mr Rags….

AI the memories. It just brought things home.

Oh, Nay-Nay.

| Know we haven't kept in touch as much as l'd have liked

and that is totally my fault, but this is a big day.

A big life day.

And |! want my oldest friend with me, my oldest friend.

| want you by my side.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

What do l have to...?

Not much to it. À speech, mainly.

Speech? Of course!

Mm-hmm. How big's the crowd?

Oh, my gosh, like. hundreds!

It's a crazy guest list. l'Il send it now.

Paul's invited so many, | don't want to call them big deals,

but they're all, like, 4.7 or above.

Uh-huh.

Nay-Nay, | will not let you down.

Don't sweat too much! Just talk about old memories.

Sure. - How we were, any old things.

Gotcha. - l'I ping you some anecdotes.

That would be great. - And what's your dress size?

Oh, um...

l'Il tell you what, l'Il just send you a four.

Perfect. - We got matching bridesmaids dresses.

Well, anyway.….

THEY SCREAM AND LAUGH

Love you, Lay! - You too, Nay-Nay!

On!

SCORE INCREASE CHIME - Bye.

SHE EXHALES SHARPLY

RYAN: What was that? The M-word?

You two pussy pals now?

Shut up.

She was always mean to you. - No, she wasn't.

She. she had that rhyme about you. - That Was a game.

What about when she cut your hair? - | asked her to.

She fucked Greg.

She did not fuck Greg.

She looked hot. l'Il give her that.

OK.

Impressive.

Uh-huh. Jesus.

Yeah, that'd doit. - Mm-hmm.

PHONE RINGS

AGENT: Pelican Cove. - Carole, it's Lacie.

Saw the place yesterday. | wanna take it.

CAROLE: That's fantastic! - Yes!

CAROLE: Uh... Oh, | see you're still on a 4.2. Is that, um...?

Yep, l'monit, just gonna transfer the deposit now.

- CAROLE: Well, OK. - Yes!

In this world, we're all so caught up in our own heads.

It's easy to lose sight of what's real.

What matters.

But as | stand here today...

seeing the joy Paul has brought to Naomi's life

| Know she's someone who truly matters to me.

Nay-Nay.….

the little girl who, when we were just five years old in art camp

started talking to me because she saw | Was scared.

The girl who helped me make Mr Rags.

| still have him.

He sits on my desk and.

every day he reminds me of Nay-Nay.

What she meant to me then

and now.

| am so honoured to be here

and | wish you all the happiness this stupid world can muster.

l love you, Nay-Nay.

Is the tear too much?

You fucking sociopath. - MOBILE PHONE CHIMES

Ryan, my car's here. Was it too much?

What, the tear, the photo, Mr Rags?

| do keep him on my desk.

There's sugary and then there's fucking diabetes.

| just want to make her happy on her wedding day.

Oh, the captive audience of four-point holies five-starring your ass off.

That's just a bonus.

Naomi and | were best friends. - Come on!

| wish her well and want to express it the best | can.

And, yeah, if | nail a speech and get five-starred

by hundreds of primes, so what? It's a win-win.

What are you hoping for? Like, four-three, four-four?

Uh-uh. You get points from your gaming buddies.

It's the same thing. Don't shit on me for aiming higher.

Pelican Cove higher?

What's wrong with Pelican Cove? They're great apartments!

They are fake-smile jail cells!

SCORE DECREASE CHIME - Great. Car cancelled.

And he marked me down so now | have to book another and I took a ding.

Great job. - | am sorry, but | miss the normal you.

Before this obsession, when we had conversations, remember?

| need my charger.

This whole ranking thing, just comparing yourself to people who...

Have you seen my charger? - only pretend to be happy.

| said don't borrow this!

High fours like Naomi, | bet they're suicidal on the inside.

My car is here. Again!

Your Pelican Cove deposit, is it refundable?

Like, what if this doesn't work?

Can't you just stay out of my shit? - You're my sister!

Yes! And if you cared about that, maybe you would've noticed

living with you hasn't been one big rainbow sandwich for me.

Do you know why I never brought any guys back here?

Because | didn't want them to know | was sharing a skanky-ass cave

with Mr Three Point Fuck.

Good luck with your performance!

DOOR SLAMS

DOOR OPENS

SCORE DECREASE CHIME

DOOR SLAMS

SCORE DECREASE CHIME

CAR HORN HONKS

Oh, hi, hi! l'm coming. Coming.

Jesus Christ! - Oh, l'm so sorry.

Oh, that's great. Just great.

SCORE DECREASE CHIME

CAR HORN HONKS

Oh... Hi.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Nay-Nay! LACIE GIGGLES

NAOMI: Hey, Lace! Just checking in.

l'm on my way to the airport right now.

OK, cool, and you're all good for the rehearsal dinner?

Oh, yeah. The flight's, what, an hour?

That restaurant looks so cool.

Uh-huh. And you got the dress OK? - Mm-hmm. In my case.

l love the pink. - Uh-huh.

So the latest draft of the speech is great.

Going handwritten's so cool.

Those scans of the page, my God, | welled up just at that.

- Oh, thank you! - Um... just one thought.

That whole bit where | help you with the eating disorder thing...

You think that's a little...? - A little over-sharing, yeah.

You're so right. It's gone.

OK. Cool. Well, l'I see you in a few hours!

# l'm getting married tomorrow #

LACIE SQUEALS

LACIE LAUGHS GRATINGLY

And here's your tip. - SCORE INCREASE CHIME

Thank you.

SCORE DECREASE CHIME

Oh, come on.

INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT SOUNDS ON INTERCOM

Hi there, how are you doing? - | am wonderful.

| a…m so sorry, that flight is cancelled.

No. No, no, no. - Customer incident at the other end.

But... So when is the next flight?

Yeah, they're all kind of full.

Uh... | booked this weeks ago. It's my best friend's wedding.

l'm sorry. - lhave to get there. | have to.

OK, let's see what we can do.

Thank you. So much.

| see there's one standby seat on another plane leaving tonight.

Ah! - Uh...

That's reserved for members of our Prime Flight Programme.

You gotta be a 4.2 or over to qualify.

Oh, l'm.…. l'm a 4.2. - Uh-uh.

l'm afraid you're actually a 4.183.

Oh.

Well, that's not my fault. Um...

Some woman dinged me down and the cabdriver.….

Can't you just...

l'm sorry, it won't let me bookit without the correct ranking.

But it's so close. - There's just nothing | can do.

Christ, | mean, surely. - l'm gonna have to ask you

to moderate your language there.

Sorry. It's just...

l'm maid of honour. | cannot miss this wedding.

And | am so sorry about that.

Can you call the supervisor? - | cannot do that.

Can you just call the supervisor? - | cannot do that.

Call the fucking supervisor! - OK, that's profanity.

We're zero tolerance on profanity. - l'm sorry. It's just...

| have to serve the next customer. - No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no. - Can you step away, ma'am?

God, just fucking help me!

Ooh.

SCORE DECREASE CHIME

l'm so sorry.

l've called security. - Oh, no, no, no.

Please don't do that. Um...

l'm... l'm, uh.… five-starring you.

Five stars.

What's the issue here, Hannah? - Intimidation and profanity.

Oh, no, no. | was not intimidating.… - Don't speak, ma'am.

| was just trying to. - Ma'am!

OK. So, in order to restore calm

l'm invoking my authority as airport security

to dock you one full ranking point as a punitive measure.

SCORE DECREASE CHIME - This is a temporary measure.

No! - Your score reverts to normal in 24 hours.

No, no, no. But | need it now. - During this probationary period

all down votes are subject to a times two multiplier.

Times two? - MOBILE PHONE CHIMES

We recommend you avoid negative feedback at this time.

l'm on double damage?

Please, remove yourself from the airport immediately.

SCORE DECREASE CHIME

SHE GASPS

MAN: OK, well, due to your ranking.….

BABY CRIES

That's all | can do.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

MAN: Thank you. Drive safe.

Hey there. Chuck! Great name.

Thank you. - Hope you're having a great night.

It's pretty good. - So | need a car.

You got a vehicle in mind? - Anything, really.

Well, due to your current ranking

you're restricted to our Super Saver Fleet.

Yep. That's... Yeah. - |-Cruiser 2?

They still have the 2?

CAR BEEPS

OK...

CAR BEEPS

INTERFACE SPEAKS IN CZECH

Oh, God.

INTERFACE REPEATS CZECH PHRASE

LACIE SIGHS

TV PLAYS ON WINDSHIELD

Oh, come on.

Uh... - CHARACTERS SPEAK CZECH

God damnit!

The little girl, who when we were both five years old in art camp

started talking to me because she saw | Was scared.

The girl who helped me make Mr Rags.….

Teardrop. Crowd goes wild.

You can do this.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

INTERFACE SPEAKS IN CZECH

Sorry, OK, | swear l'm on my way.

NAOMI: How far away are you?

Uh... Quite a ways?

| missed my flight. - What?

Well, not missed it but...

But... so you're not gonna make the rehearsal dinner?

No. - Lacie!

| am so sorry. It's been... Ugh'!

| got a rental car. l'm driving.

Driving?!

That's like nine hours.

LACIE: l'm making good time.

Gonna go through the night, make a road trip out of it.

NAOMI: IS everything OK?

| can find a replacement if something's wrong.

NO, no, no, no, no, no, no!

l'Il be there. | swear on Mr Rags.

SHE GIVES A FORCED CHUCKLE

OK, just drive safe! - WOMEN LAUGH

You bet. l'Il just... - CALL END BEEP

SCORE INCREASE CHIME

Come on.

Come on.

Please.

SCORE INCREASE CHIME

SHE SIGHS

OK.

INTERFACE SPEAKS IN CZECH

BEEPS SOUND

What do you want?

Oh, shit.

SHE SIGHS

Hi. Sorry.

SEX NOISES SOUND ON HEADPHONES

Your charger doesn't fit my car.

Don't see those around much these days. - It's a rental.

Our chargers are Q22Z, yours one's a K1.

They didn't give you an adapter?

No.

Do you have one?

Not in here. Ask around.

Thanks, anyway.

You're super helpful.

SCORE INCREASE CHIME

SCORE CHIME

Two stars?!

Two stars?

Wasn't a meaningful encounter.

LACIE: Sir, excuse me.

Excuse me, sorry.

Um, do you have a Ki adapter by any chance?

Um, ma'am, how about you?

A K1 adapter?

Perhaps in the trunk of your car?

Sure.

Great.

Oh, ma'am, hi. Do you have any adapters?

l have a rental car and it's...

SHE GRUNTS

Slow down. Let's give her a ride. - She's, like, 2.8.

SCORE DECREASE CHIME

Come on!

SCORE DECREASE CHIME

| didn't even do anything!

You look like you need a ride.

Um...

Actually, l'm OK.

Don't look it.

Come on. | don't bite.

Blue thermos is coffee, red's whiskey.

Help yourself.

l'm OK, thanks.

Where you headed?

Uh... just as close as you can get to Port Mary would be great.

Checking my feed for danger signs?

| get it a lot.

1.4. Gotta be an antisocial maniac, right?

You seem.… - Normal?

Yeah. - Thank you.

It took some effort.

What happened to you?

| mean, you're a 2.8, but you don't look 2.8.

That's not... This is temporary.

l'm gonna turn it around. - Uh-huh.

l'm going to a wedding.

Maid of honour. - Nice.

Want to hear my speech?

No.

So how come you're two-eight?

Well...

Got marked down at the airport for yelling

and they put me on double damage.

How did it feel?

Awful.

| meant the yelling.

| don't know. | was mad.

Look at where it got me.

But as long as | get to the wedding, do the speech

they'il overlook the two-eight.

l'm with the bride and if | do well

well, they're all high fours so that velocitates my arc.

And once they lift the point penalty, well, then my average goes way up

and, yeah, it's gonna be OK.

God, you remind me of me.

LACIE MURMURS - Not now.

| was, uh.. 4.6 once.

Four-six? - Used to live for it.

AIl the work I! put in...

Eight years ago, Tom, my husband, got cancer.

It was pancreatic. It was a real bitch.

The symptoms showed up late.

l'm so sorry.

You don't know me so you're not really sorry.

You're just. you're mainly awkward

‘cause | have sprung some cancer talk at you.

Anyway, | five-starred every doctor

every nurse, every high-four consultant that we had.

Ding. Ding. Ding. Thank you so much.

And the cancer didn't give a shit. It just kept growing.

A couple of months in, we heard about this experimental treatment.

It was very expensive. It was very exclusive.

l did everything | could to get him a spot there.

Tom was a 4.8.

They gave his bed to a 4.4.

So when he died | thought, fuck it.

| started saying what | wanted, when | wanted.

Just drop it out there.

People don't always like that.

It is incredible how fast you slip off the ladder

when you start doing that.

It turned out a lot of my friends didn't care for honesty.

Treated me like | had taken a shit at their breakfast table.

But, Jesus Christ, it felt good.

Shedding those fuckers.

It was like taking off tight shoes.

Maybe you should try it? - Oh, come on.

Why not?

| can't just kick off my shoes and walk the earth or whatever.

You won't know unless you try. - Oh, that's just...

Look, you had something with your life.

Real things, good things.

And you lost it all, and l'm sorry.

So now you've got nothing left to lose.

But | don't even have the something worth losing, not yet.

You know, | mean, l'm still fighting for that.

And what is ‘that'?

| don't know. Enough to be content?

Like, to look around and think, ‘Well, | guess l'm OK.

Just to be able to breathe out, not feeling like... like...

Like just.

Ah!

And that is way off, like, way, way off.

And until | get there, | have to play the numbers game.

You know, we all do, that's what we're in.

That's how the fucking world works.

Look, maybe you don't remember.

You know, you're just too old to get it.

| do not mean that how it sounds.

Don't worry. l'm not voting you down.

LACIE SIGHS

Sweetheart. - LACIE GASPS

What time is it?

l'm heading east from here

so | think you need to get yourself another ride.

Where are we? - About 30 miles from Port Mary.

A lot of buses stop here so you should be fine.

Well, thank you. - Good luck with your speech.

| put a little something in there for you.

You did? - Emergency escape hatch!

Bye.

In this world, we're all so caught up

in our own dramas.

So, Dad was like... - It's easy to forget what matters.

Like, he'd never even heard of the show.

l'm like, ‘You never heard of Sea of Tranqauillity?"

Like, the number-one sci-fi fantasy

and he's all like, ‘What the fuck?’ - Whatever!

| think l'm allergic to this purple.

So l'm like, “Well, l'm going to Tranquillity Con in Port Mary.

That's why l'm dressed like Lieutenant Duster.'

He's all like, ‘Uh, Port Mary is frickin' miles away.’

Yadda, yadda, yadda. —- TOILET FLUSHES

WOMAN: He one-stars me. Like, thanks, Dadl.

WOMAN': See you back on there. - OK.

Are you guys headed to Tranquillity Con?

You're into Sea of Tranquillity? - Totally.

| was all set to go.

My friend, who is there already, has my costume

but my car broke down.

Well, there's some space in the RV.

Hi. - Hey!

You're a Trank Head, huh? - Sorry?

Trank Head. Sea of Tranquillity fan?

Oh, yeah. We say Tranksters where l'm from.

Who's your favourite character?

Gotta be Lieutenant Duster.

She's awesome. — She?

He! | misspoke.

Lieutenant Duster has no fixed gender.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS - | know.

And that's whyit's so hard to remember, right?

Excuse me. Gotta get this.

My friend at the convention.

Hi, Nay! SHE GIGGLES

So, oh, my God, insane night, but | am so close now.

NAOMI: Don't come. - What?

No, no. l'm, like, an hour away.

Don't come. | don't want you here.

| don't know what is up with you

but | cannot have a two-six at my wedding.

Oh, no, that's temporary! That's temporary.

NAOMI: Well, the wedding's today, so...

But it doesn't change anything. - Lacie.

| can still do the same speech. - Lacie...

And there's... Mr Rags!

No! - LACIE: But... but you invited me.

You've seen the guest list. They are all, like, four-five or above.

They are going to freak at a two-six

and | am not taking that kind of damage.

Plus, | haven't dipped under a four-seven in, like, six months.

You said you wanted your oldest friend.

When | asked you to speak, you were a four-two, OK?

And the authenticity of a vintage bond low four at a gathering of this calibre

played fantastically on all the stimulations we ran.

Forecast was a prestige bounce of .2 minimum.

But now you're a sub three. Sorry.

But that just puts the stink on things a little too much.

That just plays badly for us.

So it was just about numbers for you?

Oh, cut the shit! It was numbers for both of us.

You wanted those primo votes, don't deny it.

| mean, it's not like you could get them on your own.

Let's not kid ourselves.

Oh, l'm... l'm getting those votes.

What? You're just gonna roll up here and make people like you?

That's right. l'm doing my speech.

No, you're not!

Yes, | am.

And they are gonna vote me through the roof when they hear it.

Weep their fucking eyes out!

Go home!

CALL END BEEP —- Hello?

Fuck!

| have never seen your stupid fucking show.

BRAKES SCREECH

SCORE DECREASE CHIME

Hope they cancelit!

CAR HORN HONKS - | need a ride!

l'I kick your ass! - SCORE DECREASE CHIME

Fuck!

Jesus.

Hey! Hey!

Hey!

Borrow your bike? - What?

Can | borrow your bike?

Do you, Naomi Jayne Blestow, take this man to be your husband

to live together with him in the covenant of marriage?

SCORE INCREASE CHIME - To love him, comfort him

honour and keep him, in sickness and in health

and forsaking all others, be faithful unto him...

CAR HORNS HONK

APPLAUSE

NAOMI SQUEALS

INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER

LACIE SCREAMS

FROGS CROAK

APPLAUSE SOUNDS DISTANTLY

To my best man, Anthony. Let's hear it for him.

CHEERS

You've been there from day one.

| love you, man. | appreciate you.

Hilarious speech, by the way.

By your standards.

HE IMITATES GUNFIRE - Oh, oh, oh!

PAUL: He's still got two bullets left.

Oh, man.

Oh, gosh, well, um... You know, |..,

INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER

LACIE GASPS Shit!

We have so many people to thank. Our beautiful bridesmaids.

But, of course

my most heartfelt thanks, my warmest thanks

are to someone who's my best friend...

my lover and now

l'm honoured to say, my wife.

Naomi! —- CHEERS

SHE SQUEALS

PAUL: Let's cheers Naomi!

One, two, three! Naomi! - CHEERS

SCORE INCREASE CHIME

ANTHONY: The A Team!

l love you so much, doll! - Woo, Woo, Woo, woo!

ANTHONY: Congratulations, sir!

Thank you. - No, thank you.

Woo! Get over here! - Nailed it!

Get your ass over here. - Yeah!

Fuckin' get in here, big boy. - Yeah!

SCORE INCREASE CHIME - You're beautiful!

Yeah, gimme a hugl! - ANTHONY AND PAUL GRUNT

Yeah! Dude, off the charts!

Oh, you fucking earned it, man. You fucking earned this.

Oh, hello!

Everybody, hello!

Oh, my God. - Love you.

Can everyone be quiet for a moment?

Thank you. SHE GIGGLES

Get rid of her. - That would play awful.

She's a fucking one-one.

Now, for those of you who don't know me

which is all. all of you...

my name is Lacie Pound

and, believe it or not, | a…m one of Naomi's oldest friends.

Hi, Nay-Nay!

It's great to meet you too, Paul. l've heard a lot about you.

He's a pretty big deal, that Paul.

Pretty big deal. - CAMERA SHUTTER CLICK

He makes his own tapenade. Yeah.

SHE GIGGLES Uh...

Anyway, um... |...

have looked up to Naomi pretty much my entire life.

We met when we were five years old

and right up through to our teenage years.

INDISTINCT WHISPERS - LACIE: We made quite the pair.

We'd talk about all the things girls talk about.

You know, boys, hair, products.

Uh... more boys. SHE LAUGHS

| mean, | tried sometimes to expand our range a little

and talk about, | don't know, climate change

but she found that kind of boring, SO...

Go.

She was probably right. | mean, fuck the planet, right?

CROWD GASPS - Whoo!

Yes, thank you! Come on. Let's have a little fun here.

You know, fuck the planet.

No, fuck the planet! - FEEDBACK SQUEALS

SCORE DECREASE CHIME - OK.

LACIE: Anyway.…. - PAUL CHUCKLES

|... looked up to Naomi pretty much my entire life

which meant she was... looking down on me.

Always with a smile, though. SHE LAUGHS

In high school, she was my shoulder to cry on.

She seemed to enjoy that.

Uh, guys and me never worked out.

They'd see Naomi and just... Whoop!

You know, that was it.

She had this tight ass

like two fists.

NAOMI CHUCKLES

LACIE LAUGHS | was all like...

Blurgh.…. SHE LAUGHS

| was like... Blurgh.….

Through the hallways in high school.

Blurgh.….

SHE LAUGHS GRATINGLY

CROWD MURMURS

SCORE DECREASE CHIME REPEATS

SHE SOBS

And she was there for me.

Holding my hair back...

as | knelt, vomiting.….

in front of the crapper.

Thank you for that, Naomi.

| always wished | was you.

And...

| guess that's why you kept me around so long?

Until you got your new job

and your fancy new friends.

And that...

LACIE CHUCKLES

fucking... jackhole! - CROWD GASPS

LACIE: And you didn't need me.

You probably got another me. - SCORE DECREASE CHIME

Guess there's some other 'BFF' you moved on to like a succubus.

‘m getting to Mr Rags, OK? Jesus!

CROWD REACTS

Stay back.

Fuck.

Stay the fuck back! l'I kill him!

l'Il cut his head off and stick it up my ass!

INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER

LACIE GASPS Time's nearly up!

Hey! Calm down. - |...

| just wanted to say, in this.

we're all so caught up in our own shit

let's not forget what matters. - It's OK. It's OK.

Happiness, fucking Paul and Naomi, and she's.….

She...

She fucked Greg!

| know she did!

| know you did. - It's not.

Don't even try to deny.…. Oh!

FEEDBACK SQUEALS

The little girl who, when we were just five years old in art camp,

started talking to me because she saw | Was scared

and helped me make Mr Rags.

He reminds me of you and what you meant to me then!

And l'm so honoured to be here to see this shit!

l love you, Nay-Nay!

l've always loved you!

l love you!

DEVICE HUMS AND WHIRS

SHE LAUGHS

What the fuck are you looking at?

Just what | was wondering.

Well...

Don't!

Don't?

Don't wonder?

Uh-huh.

It'd be a dulil world without wonder.

| don't give a shit about your world.

l don't like your brassiere.

| don't like your moustache.

| don't like your aura.

My aura? - Yeah.

| don't like your...

head.

Your entire head is just ridiculous to me.

Really?

You look like an alcoholic former weatherman.

You sound like a lost little lamb

that just got told there's no Santa Claus.

What sort of cartoon character did your mum have to fuck

to brew you up in the womb?

At least | look like | was born

not shit out by some tormented cow creature in an underground lab.

You got tossed out of that lab.

Oh, yeah? - Oh, yeah, flushed out.

Ooh! - In the trash!

Your face is a fuckin'…. - À fuckin'…

A fuckin'… biological car crash

that made Picasso screw his eyes up and say

‘Well, that just don't make sense.’

HE LAUGHS

You're a fucking asshole. - Fuck you!

Fuck you next Wednesday! - Fuck you for Christmas!

Fuck... - Fuck...

you’ … You!