Original subtitles

- [DJ] Hey, hey, hey, what's good, DC?

This is your main man, DJ Super Cool,

coming to you live from WDC 100.

Hope y'all are feeling the festive vibes,

because guess what?

It's that magical time of the year again,

from the heart of our beautiful capital city.

I got a special treat for y'all.

We got our very own Deja Perez

down at the Ritchie Marlboro Volunteer Fire Department,

and rumor has it she's got a certain

jolly old fellow with her.

- Hola, WDC 100, coming to you live

from PG County Fire Department.

We are here collecting toys and clothes

for those less fortunate.

I go by the name of Deja Perez.

So we had to do it big for the kids.

Y'all make some noise.

(crowd cheering)

So of course we have Santa here and his special helper.

I'm hearin', if we get lucky,

we just might get an interview.

(child crying)

What's wrong, honey, what happened?

- He said I won't get nothin' for Christmas.

He said when I wake up on Christmas Day,

I will get a lump of doo-doo in my stocking.

- Santa, is that true?

Did you just say that?

- Yeah, I said it.

I told that treasure troll to stop kickin' me,

but the little bastard wouldn't.

So I told him on Christmas Day he was gonna wake up

to a pile of my shit.

- Cut, go to commercial.

You cannot say that on air.

I'm gonna get you reported.

- Woman, I don't give a damn who the hell you tell.

I don't wanna do this in the first damn place.

You get outta my face with that damn jalapeno breath.

- Jalapenos make everything better.

What you doing? - Whatever, who's next?

- That's right, ladies, look look.

Don't worry, look, Santa Claus,

he gonna take car of all y'all, mm-hm, mm-hm.

- That's right, ho, ho, ho.

Who's next to sit on Santa's lap?

- Go ahead, baby, don't be scared.

Santa gonna get you some presents.

- Ma, I'm too old for Santa.

I'm not sitting on some nigga's lap.

(orchestral tones) (bell dings)

- Look, watch Mommy do this, okay?

Watch this, all right.

Hey, Santa Claus. - Hey, watch yo mama.

- See, Santa's not gonna hurt you.

Ain't that right?

- Ma, that's just nasty.

- [Children] Ew!

- All right, all right, kids, look look,

we gonna give Santa Claus a little break.

But who wants some of Boo Boo's sugar booger cookies?

- [Children] Me, me, me, me!

- All right, come on, look, follow me.

Hey, help me out, help me out, come on.

- Oh my goodness, my goodness.

Baby, look, I have gotta find a restroom, okay?

I will be right back.

- Okay, I'm gonna go put the toys in the van,

and then I'm goin' straight to the car.

- Gotcha, all right.

(sultry R&B music)

- Oh my God.

What are you doing to me?

Oh, you giving me an early Christmas present?

- Oh, I see you, hot mama.

Smile for the camera. (camera clicks)

- Thank you, Santa.

(group clamoring) - No, wait your turn.

- [Attendee] Ooh, Santa.

- Santa, Santa wait. - I'm not-

- [Santa] What's going on here?

- A piece of Santa! - Wait, wait!

Wait a minute!

Now listen.

Santa Chop is givin' early Christmas gifts to everybody.

- Sit yo ass down. - Oh shit, Goddamn.

(group chattering) Goodness.

- Hey (claps).

Seriously?

- [Woman] Mm-hm.

- Honey, I wasn't doing anything.

- Next! (women chattering)

(playful music)

- You should be here. - Ho, ho, ho! (laughing)

(Santa laughing) (women chattering)

- I always wanted a Michael Kors.

(indistinct) Damn.

- Hey yo, check out that crack head over there.

Is he stealing from those ladies?

Let's go get him, man.

- Go get him, Hussein, I'm right behind you.

Hey, you Goddamn crack head. - Oh, shit.

Damn.

(dramatic music)

Get back, get back.

- [Guard] Drop the Goddamn bags.

- Y'all can't catch me.

I run for a livin', ha.

- [Hussein] Sucker!

- Hey kids, they're trying to get me!

- [Children] Bu Bu! Bu Bu! Bu Bu!

Bu Bu! Bu Bu! Bu Bu! Bu Bu!

(women clamoring) Bu Bu, Bu Bu!

- [Santa] Hey!

You wanna see Santa strip? (women cheering)

(engine rumbling) (women cheering)

- Ha-ha!

♪ Hang on the mistletoe ♪

♪ Boo Boo steal some more cars ♪

♪ This Christmas ♪

(midtempo instrumental music) ♪ Have yourself ♪

♪ A merry little blue Christmas ♪

♪ Let your heart be light ♪

♪ From now on our troubles will be out of sight ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Have yourself a merry little blue Christmas ♪

♪ Make the yuletide gay ♪

♪ From now on our troubles will be miles away ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Here we are as in olden days ♪

♪ Happy golden days of yore ♪

♪ Faithful friends that are dear to us ♪

♪ Gather near to us once more ♪

♪ Through the years we'll always be together ♪

- Everything's going exactly as planned.

I got 'em right where I want 'em.

- That's why I keep you on my payroll, O'Connor,

because you get the job done.

- It's just gonna be a matter of days

before those motherfuckers are put away forever.

We ain't gonna have to deal with them no more.

- The Givens, they been a thorn in my side long enough.

I'm tired of waiting.

- I got something real special planned

for those no-good bastards.

Don't you worry about that, boss, don't you worry.

- I want my revenge,

and I want it before Christmas.

- Man, this is some fucking bullshit, man.

You only trying to pull that shit

because you got this weak ass badge on top of your chest.

- You're gonna do what I fuckin' tell you.

- Man, fuck you, you fuckin' pig.

I ain't doin' shit. - Better watch it.

- Mm-mm, mm-mm, what is you doin'?

I'm not tryin' to go to jail.

- Freedom of speech. - Shut the fuck up.

- I can say what the fuck I want.

- Not to him. - I got freedom of speech.

- Fuck yo freedom.

- I'm saying what's on my mind.

- Yeah, Watson?

- Who's Watson? - Who the fuck is Watson?

- I need you to go ahead and push forward

with those 12 warrants we got on Alonzo Givens.

- No, no, lemme talk to him.

- Perfect, that's good, that's real good.

We don't have nothin' on the other one?

- Mm-mm.

- Just make somethin' up,

and I'll add some to Alonzo too.

- All right, man, all right.

You know what?

You try to do this shit, man, you don't know,

harassin' black people gonna get you fucked up.

Black lives matter, man. - For real. (slurps)

- See, I knew you could be persuaded, Alonzo.

Now you and your little boyfriend gotta pull this deal off

so I can get me my promotion.

- Why is he so gay?

- I don't know why he say shit like that, man.

I tell you what, man.

After this shit, I'm fuckin' done, man.

I'm not fuckin' with you no more.

I'm out, I'm finished.

- You're done when I say you're done, numb nuts.

You fuck this up, you will go to prison.

Now here's what we're gonna do.

Get your ass in here.

- You aint gotta do all that. - I don't give a fuck.

- Why is your dick hard?

Nah, get up off me. - That's what's up.

(upbeat funky music)

♪ Yo ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Yo ♪

♪ Testing O'Connor ♪ (Alonzo and Tray laugh)

With your bitch-ass, man.

Hey, leave the black girls alone, man.

There's too much cushion back there for you, bitch.

And don't get mad because I live in a million dollar house

and your bitch ass live in a trailer park.

- Hey, look at his wife,

why she like a meth head?

Ain't got no ass like Olive Oyl.

Back longer than a motherfucker.

(Tray laughs)

What does he hit it from the back?

Back. - Back.

(Tray and Alonzo laughing)

- Bouncin' broke their back. (Alonzo and Tray laughing)

- Stop man, grow up, I told you.

(Alonzo knocks)

(door clicking)

(sensual music) ♪ Ooh ♪

(both laughing)

- What you doing?

I want some.

♪ Ooh ♪

- It's this way?

(upbeat funky music)

♪ Yo ♪

- [Alonzo] Stop playing.

Come on, Stop playing.

These hos got ass. (chuckling)

(David muttering)

(dreamy electronic music)

- Welcome to The Dollhouse.

I am Madam Rouge.

- [Partygoer] No lyin' bro.

- [Madame Rouge] As you can see, I have a wide variety

of the baddest of bad bitches.

Do you like what you see?

- Yeah. - Lord, I love what I see.

I'm right here too.

- I have big titty bitches. - Mm.

- Little titty bitches. - Mm.

I got itty bitty bitches.

- [Tray and Alonzo] Mm!

- I got girls that squirt.

- Ooh, wait a minute, mm.

It's pineapple. - Lemme get some of that.

- Pay attention.

And I got girls that twerk.

Twerk!

(upbeat music) ♪ Take off ♪

- That's enough.

(midtempo hip hop music)

As you see,

I have women, goddesses,

and nymphs of the night.

- Well look, that nigga ain't got no money,

you know what I'm sayin'?

I got all the money,

so you can give it all over to me.

He's scared of the girls.

- (chuckles) Only the best for you, boo.

- See that's what I feel like.

Like I'm for real because he ain't got no money.

- Don't worry about it.

See I'm gonna give him my busted bitch special.

Cigar burns, gunshot wounds,

and knife marks,

all that is half off.

- They type of hoes he like.

- They give the best massages anyway.

- Oh, ain't nobody come up here for no massages,

where the hose at that's fuckin'?

- This is a massage parlour darling.

And if you don't have any money,

girls with fat asses go away.

- Come on, make her say it!

- Cut, cut, cut the shit, all right.

Okay, cool, cool.

Look, how much is it gone cost to get one of them

to do something strange for a piece of change?

- I thought you'd ask.

See if you tip the girls $200 each,

(cash register dings)

I'll throw in a third on the house to lick the gooch.

- I ain't got my goochie licked in a long time. (chuckles)

- I thought you like that. - Look so, so some of you,

for real, how much you say again?

- I said you tip the girls $200 each

and they gonna lick your gooch.

- The gooch?

Aint that the nigga from Different Strokes?

- No, that's little piece of skin

between your balls and your booty hole, the gooch.

- Yeah nigga, the goochie.

you don't know about this part right there?

- God dammit, that shit's not admissible.

These guys are a bunch of fuck ups.

What the hell are they doing?

- Pick the one you want. - All right.

Oh shit.

Eeny, meeny, miney, moe,

I don't know which one does I want?

Gimme the one with the veil and the hard nipples.

Yes. - Give him a spin,

let him see what he's gonna get.

(upbeat music) - Mm!

Oh it's water, it's water in there.

It's water in there.

Look at here, look at here.

- Which one for your broke friend?

- Um, uh, Mrs. Claus, whatever the fuck her name is.

You think she goin'.

- All right, it's not free now.

- I got the money.

- Room 223.

- All right say less.

Come on, I'm gonna call you Waddle Water (chuckles).

(upbeat electronic music)

Answer the phone, bitch ass boy.

O'Connor! (laughs)

- Pow!

- What up bitch? - Pow!

- Hey, hey. - You see us, you see us?

Hey thanks for the cash my boy.

Hey Dave, lemme get that.

- [Dave] You get some of that. (laughs)

Look at all those Almond Joys.

- Hold on, hold on, hold on!

One for you, one for you.

- Lonzo, Lonzo! - Do shit like this.

- [David] It's fallin' on you, it's fallin' on you!

- Oh, it's fallin, make it rain!

Girl, we'll make it rain.

♪ Put that ass in my face ♪

♪ Put that ass in my face ♪

- Hey, LeBron James.

(group laughing)

Everybody!

- Thank you for the money, bitch! (laughs)

- Fuck, fuck!

(playful music)

- What's wrong with you baby, you shy?

(stomach gurgles) - Oh, wait a minute.

Oh, ho-ho! (laughs)

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh Lord get down, safety first.

You good?

Oh, woo! (feet clattering)

- It sounds like you don't need a massage.

- Can you point me in the direction of the bathroom?

- [Mrs. Claus] It's down the hall to your right.

- Oh dear. (whimpering) Look, don't go nowhere.

I still want you to gargle my ball.

- Make sure you wash your ass

with the washcloths in the bathroom before you come back.

- I am, I'm gonna do that anyway

because that's just how I am. - Ew.

(door thuds) (playful music)

- Knew that fool was scared of the pussy.

Look, y'all come here,

come over here.

All right, let's see.

Now listen up,

I got this bitch ass cop finna come up in here,

this is what I need y'all to do.

(sultry electronic music)

(David laughs)

- Oh my god.

Why's it shaking like that?

Why's it shaking like that?

(gasps) Me?

Me?

I can, you cool with that?

Like the tongue and everything (laughs)?

Oh my God. (stomach gurgling)

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

- This is the last mother fucking time they mess with me.

I got your ass, I know where you're at.

I'm getting in, you better get this fucking door.

What the?

Wait a minute.

This is highly unusual.

Mr. O'Connor.

(feet shuffling)

I've never had a threesome for Christmas

and I don't think she's gonna pull through.

And I got a threesome, a foursome,

a moresome, yeah.

Christmas is coming for me.

Yeah there you go, come on,

that's what I'm talking about.

I can tell you, you girls better call back up because.

- [Worker] So this what you want, baby?

- Yeah, give it to me.

- Yeah, tell me now, bitch.

- Pose for the camera now.

Caught your stupid ass red-handed.

It's got to be the dumbest undercover cop ever.

- You god damn bitch set me up!

- Sure did (chuckles).

(hands smack)

- Hoes!

- Hey you bald head bitch, I'm done.

We ain't doing shit else for you.

I'll put you and these stink ass hoes in prison with you.

- Bitch, you not touching my hoes.

- You better not show that fucking picture to anyone.

- Are we done?

Oh, you can't hear me bitch?

You can't hear me?

How about I send these pictures to the Washington Post?

Channel Five?

The Mayor, the Chief of Police, bitch-

- Okay, okay, okay, we're done, we're done.

Let me tell you something, Alonzo,

you better watch your fucking back.

- Yeah, and you better watch your fucking ass

'cause she got a dick behind you.

Ladies, let's go.

(heels clicking)

The one with the dick can stay.

He needs you.

(door clattering)

(David breathing heavily)

(stomach gurgling)

- Oh my God, oh my goodness.

(stomach gurgling)

(liquid plopping) (David breathing heavily)

(door bangs)

Motherfucker! (whimpers)

No!

It wasn't me, I'm so sorry,

I was trying to unclog your toilet,

it wasn't me.

(ominous music) (Madame Rouge gasps)

- Security!

(playful music) - Listen, it wasn't,

where the fuck did you come, oh?

- [Madame Rouge] Y'all hurry up, security help me!

- Boy, if you don't get your big ass-

- You get your ass off of me.

- Do you believe that, right there, come on-

- Oh shit. - You know what time it is.

(playful music)

- The fuck, who you- - Get your big ass outta here?

- What up, man, what's up? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's right there champ,

get your ass on outta here, boy.

- And don't bring your broke shitty ass back no more.

- Yeah mother fucker.

- Yeah, you got my whole place and me smelling like shit!

Ugh, stay the fuck out!

(feet shuffling)

- [David] Fuck you and them busted ass hoes!

- Shitty big boy.

Man fuck you, get your big ass outta here.

- Especially the one in black. - Yeah.

- I don't pay for no pussy anyway, huh?

And you ugly, I know your sister, she,

ooh, what the fuck?

- I told you David,

if you don't deliver from me, you going to jail.

- What you mean I'm gonna jail?

And where's Alonzo?

He caught us!

Oh bro, I can't go to jail bro.

I can't go to jail.

I just got accepted to a HBCU,

I'm in the choir, I sing bro, I'm a alto.

Bro, I do whatever, bro.

But I ain't doing no gay shit.

But I do whatever bro, please, please, please.

- I'll tell you what. - What?

- You help me get Alonzo,

we can call it even.

- I ain't no snitch.

Never have, never will.

- Alright, that works for me.

We'll just go back to locking you up.

- Okay, okay, okay.

You serious, you serious.

I'll help, I'll help.

- That's a good boy, David.

You work for me now,

and you're gonna do exactly what I say.

- But I'm not doing no gay shit, okay,

and you need to make a promise to me

there's no gay shit, okay.

You see my pinky, my pinky's out.

(midtempo jazz music)

- You've been waiting for this a long time, haven't you?

- Hell yeah.

I can't believe you let Alonzo hit it before me.

He ain't got no damn money.

- Well you know Alonzo and I never did anything.

You know I showed him my goodies and his ass got scared

and ran out the house.

- So that's why he ain't say shit about it to me.

- Guess so. - Wait a minute,

you got all that booty and you wanna talk about Alonzo.

Oh shit.

You just might get pregnant

shaking that booty like that girl.

I still got a few soldiers down here.

(midtempo jazz music)

♪ I ♪

♪ She ain't nobody else's ♪

♪ I'm proud to say she's mine ♪

♪ She ain't nobody else's ♪

- Shit.

I'm tired of waitin'.

You've been playing games with me for a long time.

Open up baby, I'm coming in.

- [DJ] Down goes Fraser,

oh, I'm about to open them cheeks wide open.

I would've been done hit that ass

if I known it was like that.

♪ Ain't nobody else's ♪

- Come on baby, it's been months,

why are you doing this to me?

- Preston, what are you talking about?

Sex, sex, sex.

Damn, is that all you ever think about?

Is it your birthday?

Nope, I am not a piece of meat, Preston.

- But baby, I love you and you know I'll never mistreat you.

I was just thinking maybe we can make a little love.

- We ain't doing jack shit.

I am never fucking you again.

- Come on baby, you don't mean that.

Look, just calm down, relax a little bit, okay?

Come on. - Calm down.

- Yeah. (chuckles) Calm down.

That's easy for you to say.

You ain't got no damn baby up inside of you

kicking your ass all day every day, Preston.

You just nasty,

up in here trying to fuck with this baby

ready to come outta me any moment.

Are you trying to give my baby brain damage?

- Listen Madison, the the doctor said it was perfectly fine

for us to have intercourse.

- See, I knew it.

All you do is think of me like I'm a piece of meat.

My daddy was right, you know,

I shoulda listened to my daddy. (sobbing)

- Madison, what do you mean?

We love each other,

right now you're just a little emotional, baby.

Lemme wipe those tears.

- You're right, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I love you, I do, I do.

It's just that this baby has got my emotions

all over the place.

- Listen baby, it's okay.

You know what?

I expect you to blow up on me once a day,

I'm good with it,

I love you.

- The fuck you mean?

Oh, so you clocking my emotions now, huh?

- No. - Oh, okay, cool.

Fuck outta here.

And you still ain't getting no pussy.

Up in here trying to butter me up

to try to get some pussy.

You ain't getting shit.

- You know what, Madison,

we don't have to have intercourse then, forget it.

(gentle instrumental music)

- Oh, Preston, the baby's kicking.

Come here, gimme your hand, come feel him.

- No, no, no, I don't think it'd be a good idea

for me to touch you because the slightest thing

could set me the hell off.

- What are you talking about Preston?

You was just trying to fuck

and now all of a sudden you can't touch me?

And what do you mean set you off?

- Madison, it's not a good idea for me to touch you

because I haven't had intercourse in eight months,

and if I touch you, I just-

- God feel 'em, Preston.

Baby Preston is gone kick his way outta here.

(ominous music) - Whoa, whoa!

Look, I need some motherfucking pussy right now.

Oh my God, baby.

I apologize, I don't know where that came from.

Are you hungry?

- Yeah, you crazy for real, Preston.

Up in here trying to fuck with me.

I would like some waffles, Lemonheads,

and ice chips, please.

- Anything for you my little babka.

(Madison giggling) I'm gonna get it, baby.

(gentle orchestral music)

- Crazy ass.

(upbeat instrumental music)

- Ah! (dramatic music)

I can't see!

Help Hannah, Hannah help!

My ass, God damn it, what's wrong with my ass?

- Nigga, what the hell

are you yelling at? (clears throat)

What's wrong Daddy, are you okay?

- I can't see shit.

- [Jenny] Why can't you see?

- You got another nigga in here?

Untie me!

- [Jenny] No, that's the television.

- What the hell is that?

Get off of me.

Feel like somebody stuck something in my ass.

Where's that nigga you got up in here?

- Ain't no nigga in here,

that was the television, Daddy.

You sure you okay?

You fell outta bed last night,

that's why your ass hurt.

What was in that moonshine,

you sure you can't see?

- I don't know.

I got it from one of Alonzo's friends.

- Now, you shouldn't have drank that.

(phone ringing melodically)

- What am I going to tell Hannah?

- I don't know, but here she go.

- I don't wanna talk to her, damn.

(playful music)

Hey, baby.

- Hey honey, how's the trip?

Are you getting any rest?

- No, this convention is wearing me out.

I'm ready to come home.

- Okay, honey.

I called because I wanna get everyone together

so we can sing carols this year.

- What we look like singing Christmas carols?

- Look, it used to be a family tradition on my side,

I'm bringing it back this year.

- Oh, oh, that's good.

- That was easy.

- I thought you were gonna put up more of a fight.

- Ouch, don't be smacking me on the ass.

Let me go get some pain medicine.

- Maurice, who the hell are you talking to?

- Uh, I wasn't talking to nobody baby,

I was talking to myself.

You know my ass keeps flaring up,

I got these damn hemorrhoids.

- Mm-hm, hemorrhoids, huh?

- Yeah, you know I ain't been right

since Preston shot me in the ass.

Let me get out of here and get some medicine,

I'll talk to you tomorrow.

When I'm talking to my wife on the phone,

don't be smacking me on my ass and shit.

Half the time I was singing Christmas carols.

I ain't telling nobody shit,

and I ain't singing shit.

(striking electronic tones)

You hear me talking to you?

Hello?

Jenny, Jenny?

(midtempo jazz music)

- You know Christmas is my favorite time of the year.

I can't wait to see you and Preston.

We really missed y'all this past Thanksgiving.

What day are y'all coming?

- You just gonna have to wait and see, it's a surprise.

- Well I haven't told your father anything yet,

so he's going to be really surprised.

The whole family's gonne be.

Glad. (suspenseful music)

Baby, let me call you back.

I need to take care of something.

(suspenseful music)

- Ma, you okay?

Hello?

- She gone gimme some pussy.

- Come on yo, Christmas ornament head,

D'Lo Brown looking ass man, let's hurry up.

What's up O'Shea potato with sunglasses,

let's go man.

- [Pork Chop] Come on, you old hazardous ass,

watch where the hell you swingin' that thing.

- Y'all just get me to my house.

- Nigga where is your house?

Exactly, watch your step.

Watch where the hell you going.

- Get your bald ass in here.

Hey, it's in here, man.

- Oh my lord, Maurice, what happened to you?

- Hannah, Hannah, Hannah!

- Man, that's oh low vibrational ice tea cologne

got something sprayed in his eyes,

now he wandering around here like a beige Ray Charles.

- Soft ass.

Nigga don't call me next time somebody squirt something

in your face. (man chuckles)

- Oh you see baby,

I was at the custodian conference,

this man sprayed some.

Well first he was trying to show me

how his cleaning products were better than mine,

then he sprayed this stuff that got in my eyes,

now I can't see.

- Oh, Maurice, let's get you to your seat.

- [Assistant] Get you to your seat.

- Don't just stand there,

help me get him to his seat. - Come on man.

- All right. (feet scuffling)

What's with you- - Ouch!

- Come on, come on, come on! - I'm coming.

- Speed up a little bit (chuckles).

So let me ask you,

do you think we'll get a bigger reception from your family

more than we did last year?

- I don't know, Preston.

- Well, I tell you what,

I can't wait to see the look on their faces

once they find out about my little Angel.

- God help us. - Hey, let me do this.

Let me go knock on the door.

Give him some knock, knock.

(fist tapping)

(fist taps)

I dunno what's going on.

So look.

I got even bigger surprise on Christmas morning.

- What Surprise on Christmas morning?

- Wait a minute, I think I hear.

Hey baby, why don't you go over there real quick, okay.

- Boy! (grunts)

- I really want this to be good.

(playful music) (Preston chuckles)

Oh boy, oh.

Pork chop.

(fist tapping)

Mrs. Givens.

- One damn day.

- Uncle Pork Chop! (chuckles)

Yeah.

- Bitch ass nigga.

- What? (door thuds)

(footsteps thudding)

- What they look like some shaved monkey nuts.

You look like a bald head Lionel Ritchie.

- I'm back! - What the fuck?

(electronic zapping) (Rufus barking)

(feet thudding)

- Come on, ah!

Come on, wait a goddamn minute.

Rufus, it's Preston, man.

(Rufus barking) God damn.

- Man, what the fuck is your toddler

twin lane's ass doing here?

Don't you know not to walk up

in black folks' house unannounced?

That's how you get fucked up.

- All right, man.

- Hey yo, where the fuck is my niece at, Preston?

- Preston.

(playful music)

- Mr. Givens, what happened to you man?

- Preston, where's my baby girl?

- Yes, Preston, where is Madison?

- Where's the heifer? - Just, just calm down.

(playful music)

- Preston! (door thuds)

I'm gonna beat your motherfucking ass.

- Madison, yes!

- [Madison] I'mma beat your mother fucking ass.

- Madison, what?

- Uh. (stammers) - What the hell?

- Wait a minute, surprise family.

- You got me out there in the cold

while you in there playing games?

Uncle Leroy, kick his ass!

- Whoa, no, stop it, Leroy. - Aw, God.

- Well I'll be damned.

I see your ass still can't keep your damn legs closed.

(Madison scoffs)

- Baby girl! - Oh, come, come, come.

Come here. - What?

- Whatever you do- - Okay.

- Do not, I repeat,

do not tell Maurice she is pregnant.

- Okay, I know, it's my baby. - Whoa.

- God dammit.

- I ain't telling his blind ass shit.

- Leave me alone, Uncle Leroy.

- Take, do something, damn.

- Get your damn button.

(suitcase rattling)

But how many little people did this little ass put in there?

- [Madison] Shut up!

- That's why you got lucky child.

(people chattering)

Daddy, what happened?

- Baby girl, you're home!

- You, okay?

- I'm blind.

The cleaning lady at the hotel sprayed some disinfectant

in my eyes.

- Wait a minute,

nigga I thought you said you got blinded at the convention?

- Uh, uh.

The convention, yeah, it was at the hotel.

Baby girl, you ain't tell me

you was coming home for Christmas?

- [Madison] Yeah.

- What's up fam?

- Man, I knew it smelled like a whale shitted

in this motherfucker.

- Nope, I can't take the smell,

my nose is too sensitive. - Baby, where you goin'?

Stop. - Oh guys,

oh my God, guess who's back together again?

Stop. - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- Not in front of my family. - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- Oh, oh, hey Preston.

- [Preston] Hey baby.

- I didn't know you were gonna be here.

How are you? - I'm good.

- Well, where's my baby sister?

- I think she went to the lavatory.

- Oh, okay.

Well Preston, this is my man, David.

David, this is Madison's fiance, Preston.

What, God. (suspenseful music)

- [Preston] Hey, what's up D?

- Oh, so this the nigga she chose over Von.

- Whoa. - What's up Webster?

- Hey look here pal,

you're not gonna keep on coming at me

with all these short jokes.

I'm sick of hearing everything from his family,

and I don't think you know who you messing with.

And just in case you don't know,

I'm the one that won

the Thanksgiving football game last year.

- Man, I don't give a goddamn,

if I was there, I would lay your little ass out

like a linebacker. - Whoa, whoa, all right, okay.

- Oh, Madison got- - Madison, what?

What happened to my baby girl?

- All right, all right, let's just get everybody settled.

You two can go ahead and take your things downstairs, okay.

- Nope, you can sleep right in the garage

with Uncle Rufus, gone leave me outside.

Move. - Oh, oh. (chuckles)

- So David, I am so glad you guys are back together.

- Thank you mama, you always got my back,

you always got my back,

yes you do.

- [Preston] I'm sorry for leaving you outside,

all right, shit. (playful music)

- Well, Preston.

How nice it is to finally meet you.

I done heard so many things about you.

- Well I haven't heard nothing about you.

- Oh, Preston, Bianca came to us through foster care

when the girls were young. - Yeah?

- She's staying with us for the holidays, okay.

(Bianca moans) - Whoa, whoa.

- I can fit my whole fist in my mouth.

- Whoa, whoa.

Oh, shit. - Yeah!

- Someone's really glad to meet me down there!

- [Preston] Yeah, yeah.

(Bianca moaning) - Excuse me, Preston!

You can get your freak on with a family ho another day.

Go get my shit.

- Anything for you my little noodle muffin.

- Don't touch me. - I got you.

- (scoffs) What. (Bianca whimpers)

(text whooshes)

(feet shuffling)

(text whooshes)

- Come on, come on. - Man, what the fuck man,

what you doing?

Come on, man.

- Man, why you leaving me up there like that man,

I done put my foot in your ass.

- Man, I ain't fucking leave you man,

I was still in there hitting the bitch with the red pasties

and the fat ass. - What you say, word.

(Alonzo and David giggling)

Fuck that nigga, you left me.

- Man, I did not fucking leave you, man.

And what's this shit you was in there taking a shit

stinking up the fucking place.

- Bruh, man, you know I had the milkshake earlier,

you know I'm lactose intolerant, man,

why you so loud?

- But you know better, you know better.

You feeling better now? - I'm good.

- Good, 'cause I need you to pop out with me,

I got some hoes that they wanna fuck me tonight.

I mean, fuck us tonight.

- I mean I would go,

but your sister about to gimme some pussy.

- He we go with this stupid shit again.

Bro, get that out your head.

My sister's not fucking with you,

she about to dump you bro,

Preston's out here.

- Little big head Preston? - Yes.

- Megamind Preston? - Yes, they hit raw.

Threw her pH balance off.

Smell like crab legs- - He going with you tonight?

- Yeah, he coming. - Tonight?

- Everybody coming tonight, I got hoes.

Alonzo got hoes.

- Okay, fucked up, I'm going. - I got you fucked up.

- I'm going. - I know what it is.

- I'm going, yeah, yeah.

- I got a little pussy smell-

- Oh I smell it. - Yeah.

- I smell it now. - BV.

- Come on, oh man.

Hey, that's still fucked up. - That's cool.

- Oh okay, that's cool all right (sniffs).

I got something for his ass.

Mother don't know who they fucking with,

lemme tell you right now. (memo whooshes)

I think we can bust his ass tonight.

(memo whooshes) No homo.

Gotta say that.

(fridge door clicks)

(Bianca humming melodically)

- Psst, Bianca.

- Oh hi, Lonzo! - Sh, shut the fuck up.

- So you still gonna hook me up

with one of your fine ass friends?

You know I'm trying to line up some dick appointments

for the ho-lidays.

- That's not why I called you over here.

I just trying to let you know that Preston trying to fuck.

- Ooh, he told you that?

- Yeah, he told me that.

Why you think he was shaking and twitching and shit earlier

when you was hugging on him?

- I did notice he had a bit of an uprising

below his Mason Dixon line.

- I don't need to hear all that shit.

Listen, tonight'd be the perfect night

for you to get that dick,

we all going out

and I already know that Madison ain't been giving him

no pussy the whole time that she was pregnant.

- Mm, that's a waste of a perfectly good fine ass

ninja turtle man.

- Okay, whatever you want to call him,

just gloss up that gold tooth

before you go smiling in his face and shit, please.

- Oh don't worry,

I'm gonna crack that shell.

I can't wait to see what Donatello be packing.

(Bianca moans)

♪ I got furs that jingle jangle ♪

♪ Jingle and jangle ♪

(suspenseful music)

- Pick his damn ass up.

- All right, you gone help me though?

Help me. - Help me.

- No pick him up. - Help me help me.

- Pick him up. - Help me.

- I'm not gonna.

- This little nigga heavy ain't he?

- Okay, okay we gone take him,

we gonna take him to the car.

- Hold on, hold on, let me get him there.

I got him.

- You got me this? - I'm swinging him.

(Alonzo and David cackling)

Go, go, go, go.

(feet scuffling)

(suspenseful music) (Rufus barking)

(upbeat music) ♪ I'm like a dog ♪

♪ Post your number up with the- ♪

- What am I doing here?

- Man, wake your bitch ass up.

♪ Voice of an angel ♪

- Alonzo, what the hell is going on man?

- I'm about to fuck you up 'cause you fucked Miranda.

- I did what?

- You stuck your dingaling in Miranda.

- I did know such thing, Tom.

- Hey Preston, let me ask you something man,

when the last time you got some pussy?

♪ Fuck it up, rap shit ♪

- One, two- - Cap.

- Three. - Cap, it don't matter.

- Listen, we finna pull up to this spot, man,

there's gonna be a lot of bad bitches in there.

You can't do shit when we get in there, understood?

- Well you know what,

you all can go on in there,

I don't have to go.

I'm going to sit right here in this car.

- Yeah. (inhales sharply)

Mm-hm, yeah.

♪ Nigga that's too much you better be prepared ♪

♪ So then beat it up like anime ♪

♪ Fuck me back to yesterday ♪

♪ Pull my hair, slap me out ♪

♪ You heard exactly what I say ♪

♪ Put me and down and choke me out ♪

♪ Bend me over make me shout ♪

♪ Nigga look me in my eyes when you start to ♪

♪ I told 'em beat it up like anime ♪

♪ Fuck me back to yesterday ♪

♪ Pull me hair, slap me out ♪

♪ You heard exactly what I say ♪

♪ Pin me down and choke me out ♪

♪ Bend me over make me shout ♪

♪ Nigga look me in my eyes when you start to eat me out ♪

♪ Yeah, I been the shit but you knew that ♪

♪ Hatin' hoes on my dick but I knew that ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm a boss bitch but you knew that ♪

♪ And I'mma talk my shit but you knew that ♪

♪ Tell me what is all the beef about ♪

♪ If it ain't about no pay ♪

♪ You dummy bitches way too weak to me ♪

♪ And I think that she weird ♪

♪ Only time that you hoes mention me ♪

♪ Is when you think I care ♪

♪ You stupid hoes think you put fear in me ♪

♪ Well let me make it clear ♪

(Preston snoring) (Bianca groaning)

(door thuds)

- Oh boy, yeah.

- Oh, yeah. (chuckles)

Madison, keep doing it baby,

it feels amazing, yeah.

- Oh, you sexy ninja turtle man.

Let's see if we can wake your little friend back up.

- Oh yeah. - Oh yeah.

- Whoa, what the hell are you doing lady?

Get away from me.

- Mm-mm, come on Daddy,

I want you to turn me out.

- Are you crazy?

Madison will kill you if she found out,

you're supposed to be her Goddamn sister.

- Not by blood.

- Oh no. - Now come on Daddy.

- No, no, you're crazy. - Give you what you need.

- No, hell no.

- Come on Donatello. - No.

- I wanna play with your bow staff.

- What, what?

Woo, no. - Yeah, I like that.

(suspenseful music)

- Hell yeah, baby, gimme that pussy.

- Ooh, yeah.

Oh yeah.

- Look, no, no.

Bianca, Bianca please,

I don't know where that came from, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it, okay.

Stop, no, no, no.

(ominous tones)

Let me see them titties, baby. - Hell yeah.

- Whoa, hell yeah.

- Woo, yeah Daddy. - Yo, no,

get the hell off me lady! (Bianca yelps)

I'm telling.

Get away from me,

don't ever touch me,

I'm gonna tell Madison on you, Goddamn.

- [Bianca] I wanna mount you.

Come here cowboy.

- Hey real talk, if you got kids,

fuck 'em, right, fuck 'em.

Everybody say it the same time that I said it,

fuck them kids.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, stop.

No, I don't want you on me, stop.

(David laughs)

- Y'all, look at this

little Tony Costa motherfucker.

If y'all don't know we rode together,

he was in the car seat in the back.

(audience laughing)

- No, get off of me, Goddamnit, God, stop.

(crowd gasping)

- [Audience Member] Whoa, whoa.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. (crowd clamoring)

- That's why I don't drink tequila,

that's why I'll drink tequila right there,

look at him, stupid as hell.

Ain't no black man help him.

Get your dumb ass up.

Get up!

(ominous music)

- [Bianca] Yeah.

(crowd clamoring)

- [Audience Member] What's he doing?

- Oh I know you ain't about the Will Smith me nigga,

I got-

- Man, gimme this motherfucking mic, nigga.

- Oh. (laughs)

- What you talking about, nigga?

- Oh, little black Megamind trying to join,

look at (laughs).

- [Preston] You call me

a black motherfuckin' Megamind, nigga.

- They see it, it's the head.

(audience laughs)

- Y'all heard of big and tall? - Yeah.

- Well ain't this motherfucker

the definition of big and big?

(audience laughing)

- I'm not even that big,

and y'all know that.

- Nigga, you so motherfucking big, nigga,

you gotta rock back and fucking forth

when you get up out the fucking chair.

- Everybody do that, everybody do that.

- No, they don't motherfucker.

- He got a belly too, y'all see that shit?

(audience laughing)

- Nigga, you talking about a belly,

you can't even bend all the way down

and tie your fucking shoe right now, nigga-

- And can.

- See if he can do it.

He can't even do that shit.

- They already tied. (audience laughing)

- I fucked your bitch.

(audience gasping)

Raw. (audience gasping)

Nigga, leave off the stage, nigga.

I'm the mothefucking king of this shit.

(audience cheering and applauding)

- Get your ass outta here, man, get your ass.

- That's the nigga right there

that put the gun in my brother head

and had that crack head rob me.

- Man, what you gonna do, right?

- Man, get your ass on, man.

Fuck that man woman raw.

(audience laughing)

Both y'all burn.

- Hey, you still owe my brother money Slim.

What's up? - Yeah, what's up?

- Man, fuck you and Mike,

you better sit the fuck down

fore y'all get fucked up in here.

- Hey Lonzo, I come up there and fuck you up.

- Okay, well come see about it then.

(suspenseful music)

- [Audience Member] Fuck this shit.

- Hey, get the fuck out the way.

(crowd clamoring)

(crowd screaming)

- I got your back, all right! (punches thudding)

- [Fighter] Nigga, I'm gonna beat.

(gun firing)

- Come on man, let's get the fuck up outta here man.

- Get on the fucking ground,

get on fucking ground, now.

- Get on the mother fucking ground, don't move.

- You got this one? - Yeah I got him.

- [Officer] You good, what we got over here?

We got all them locked up yet?

- Whew, I feel better.

Where my baby, oh shit!

- Nice to see you, how are you?

- The victim. - Victim?

- Victim. - You going to get victimized.

You gonna help me get to fucking Givens.

(chips crunching)

You hear me?

- I ain't giving you shit.

Oh that's a good one, look at that (chuckles).

That's a good one.

- Ike.

Ike!

Motherfucker, I ain't Tina Turner.

You better start calling me Ike, boy.

- Victim.

- I'm gonna offer you something good.

I'm gonna make a deal,

I'm gonna let you get outta here.

- I'm a victim, I'm leaving no matter what.

- You know your friend? - Yeah.

- Dick, Richard, whatever the fuck his name is,

he already sold you out.

- He ain't say shit. - Yes, he did.

- He did tones down.

♪ My niggas don't snitch ♪

- What am I charged with?

What charge-

- Whatever the fuck I'm gonna charge you with.

You're fighting in clubs,

you selling drugs at the swap meets.

♪ Face down, ass up ♪

♪ That's the way you two like to fuck ♪

My name is Dick because I'm a dick

and I'm trapped in fucking jail.

Say it.

- I'm a victim,

- And when I get out,

I'mma beat your ass, man.

- All right, last chance, I'm walking away.

- Bro, don't we get a phone call or something, man?

What type of shit is this?

- Cell four.

(door clanking)

All right Von, they're all yours.

Don't hurt 'em.

(heels clanking)

- [Ike] This is bullshit.

- Hello boys (giggles). (sultry jazz music)

Oh Mr. Clean.

Well, well.

- You touch me and I'm gonna beat your ass.

- Oh, can you choke me too, Daddy?

I love that, ball gag shit. (moans)

Hello, sir.

- I'm not on that, bro,

you gonna be in a ditch or something

if you don't get your ass out my face.

- Hold on, wait a minute,

did you just say you want your ass on my face? (moans)

- Bro.

- Stop talking to him,

everything you say is going to be some gay shit.

Nigga get your ass away from me.

- (gasps) Well, well, well, well, well.

Hello stranger.

Long time no see.

Do ya miss me? (laughs)

- Hold on, you know this nigga?

- Bro, I don't know that grandma,

I don't know him, bro.

- You just said you do.

- He's lying like shit, bruh,

come on now, y'all know me.

- Oh, I've known Mr. David all too well.

At least once a week.

Oh boys, and Mr. Dave here definitely love his groceries

to be eaten. (group murmurs)

- Hey O'Connor, O'Connor.

- Get us outta here.

- Hey, O'Connor, get us outta here!

Fuck the Givens, the Evans, whoever you talk about,

get us outta here.

- O'Connor, don't forget about me.

- Let us out. - O'Connor!

- Let us out.

- Child.

(footsteps thudding)

- Hold up right there.

Where my goddamn food at?

- Well good morning, Preston.

I see you and the boys slept in late.

- Fuck them niggas.

- Preston, when you start talking like that?

- You done lost your damn mind

talking to my mama like that.

- Don't talk to me.

Matter of fact, don't say shit to me

unless you ready to gimme some of this pussy.

- Preston, are you drunk?

You sure are acting and sounding strange right now.

- You know, I'm woke

but I'm sick of these motherfuckers around here

treating me like some type of pussy.

- Boy, I'm gonna put my foot up your ass.

Don't be talking to my wife or my baby girl like that.

- Sit your blind ass down before I make change, nigga.

I'm running shit now.

Where Bianca at?

- Nigga, blind or not,

wait till I get my shit,

I'm gonna fuck you up.

- Well do what you gotta do

with your three blind mice lookin' ass.

And you, next time you better have my motherfucking plate.

(slap smacks) (Madison gasps)

- Oh, I'mma have your plate.

- Ow!

- Renee? - Yes.

- It's Hannah.

Preston's acting kinda strange.

- What? - I think he needs your help.

- Stanley's in town on business and I'm on my way.

(gentle piano music)

- Oh, let's see what's going on in the world today.

See Joe Biden's ass still ain't doing shit.

(gentle music) (paper rustling)

I'll be damned, truck stops have finally gone up.

About damn time.

(distant squeaking)

Motherfuckers got a mouse in here or something?

(paper rustling)

Oh no, Santa Claus causes commotion at local fire station.

(chuckles) Boy, everybody wanted to get on Santa Chop's lap.

Mm, mm, mm.

(distant squeaking)

What the hell are you doing in here?

- Ooh daddy, I've been needing to hear that voice. (groans)

I got a confession to make, Porky Chop.

See, every time you speak,

I squirt a little bit.

- Fuck off of me.

If you don't get your ass outta here,

I'm gonna grab my belt

and wear your little narrow ass out.

- Oh yeah, I want you to spank me

with your big ass daddy belt

and whisper in my ear while you do it.

I mean it. (yelps)

- Get your ass outta here for you fuck around

and catch something your ass can't get back.

And get this nasty wildebeest stick

outta my damn room.

(Rufus sniffing)

(toy squeaking)

(playful jazz music)

(phone ringing)

- Dr. Hamilton.

Oh hey Renee, how's it going?

Preston's been having another episode?

Interesting.

He hasn't had an episode in some time.

I'll meet you at the airport.

- He gonna tell me to sit my blind ass down.

Little black motherfucker.

Let's see how much talking he gone do

when I pop a cap in his ass.

- Maurice, what the hell are you doing?

- I'm gonna shoot this nigga,

and don't you try to stop me.

Rufus, Rufus!

- Oh baby, that's the fuck I'm talking about.

- I've been waiting for this

- Shit, I've been waiting too.

- Yeah, Papa Smurf, ever since I first saw you

I wanted to put it on you.

- You know I like being called Papa Smurf,

give me that nasty pussy man.

- That is about to get real- - Hell yeah.

- Nice.

- That's what the fuck I'm talking about, yes.

- Oh yeah, Daddy, - What the fuck is that?

- What you think? (paddle smacks)

- The fuck?

You crazy? (Bianca giggles)

Nah, I don't play around like that, yo.

- [Bianca] This is what I'm into, baby.

- No, no, no, fuck that.

Help, help me!

- What the fuck? (Bianca screams)

Bitch, get the fuck off my man before I kill you!

(suspenseful music)

- [Preston] No friends, baby, go get it!

- [Madison] You wanna get choked,

you will remember my face!

(group scuffling) (women screaming)

Get off of me!

- I'm just saying your man look too sexy to let go.

- [Madison] Girl, are you crazy or something?

- Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

- Madison, baby, I'm so glad you fuckin' came,

like this bitch tried to fucking rape me,

she belong in the psych ward.

- No Pres, you belong in the psych ward!

- What? - We over here, crazy,

you can stay tied up right where you belong.

- Come on, untie me! - No.

(gun firing) - What the fuck was that?

(Bianca yelps) - Yo, what the fuck was that?

- I got him! - I've been shot!

- I got him. (Rufus barking)

I got him. - I'm dying.

- [Maurice] You disrespect my family-

- Daddy, what the fuck are you doing,

you just shot Milk Dud?

- That black motherfucker!

(Stanley whimpers) - [Stanley] Motherfucker.

- Maurice. - Daddy, daddy.

- I got him!

I bet he can't talk shit now.

- Maurice, you took a shot at Stanley,

are you crazy?

What's wrong with this family?

- I've been shot and you're walking around,

someone call the Goddamn paramedics.

- Nigga, the bullet didn't even graze your monkey ass.

- Goddamn it, Pork Chop.

Fuck it.

You know what?

Crisis averted, good man. (laughs)

- You mean it wasn't Preston?

Shit. (gun fires)

(all yelling)

- [Madison] God I hate this house, man.

- Leroy, get the gun.

- Gimme this motherfucker, man.

- I think I just shitted on myself.

(dramatic jazz music)

(birds chirping)

- You better not fuck this up.

You even think about fucking this up

and your ass is mine.

- Bro, why are you always talking about

fucking somebody's ass?

- I got something for you. (door thuds)

(playful jazz music) - Oh hell no, what is this?

- I didn't tell you?

That's your new partner (chuckles).

- Fuck no, he's not getting in my car.

- Oh bruh, this nigga breath smell like musty balls.

- Oh, calm down,

I'm only here to make sure that you boys stay in line.

Besides if y'all all behave,

I might provide y'all with some entertainment.

- Hey, look, look.

I'm gonna provide something too,

I'm gonna provide a ass whooping if you try me.

- Ooh yes Daddy. (moans)

Spank me out.

- Your little boyfriend gonna get found in a box

if you keep pushing his lifestyle choices on me.

- You just stick to the plan and you don't gotta worry about

getting that reach around

you've been dreaming about from Twan.

- [Twan] Mm-hm!

- Okay, um. (playful music)

Guys, do the tenor,

you know bass baritone thing.

Just take the bottom. - Whoa.

- Oh.

- And Miranda, sing alto. - Mama,I'm not a alto.

- You need a Altoid.

- You definitely are the leader of the Altoid section.

- Shut up. - No, don't do, don't.

- Shut up.

- Miranda. - Yes ma'am.

- Alto. - Mom.

- Madison, do the soprano part.

- I can try.

- All right, and sing it like an angel.

Joy to the World on three.

Everybody ready?

Take a deep breath,

except for you baby, except for you.

- No, no, no Mama,

we is not going out there singing no Christmas carols.

Are you doing crack?

- I mean, when was the last time you seen black people

doing that shit?

- It's been a tradition in the Jackson family every year.

- Jesus. - Shit.

- Last time I checked my last name is Givens.

- Me too.

- And we don't do that shit. - Exactly.

- But I tell you what,

you wanna start a new family tradition,

I say we spark this up right now.

- Put it in the air. - Fine.

I bet I won't invite y'all niggas

back for Christmas next year.

- [Group] Niggas?

- Mm-hm. - You suck anyway.

- [Stanley] Ain't nobody else

want your boxed macaroni and cheese.

- Mama, I wanna sing.

- Keep breathing on this.

- Hey David.

- [Hannah] You ain't got no place else to go

for the holidays.

- Ladies first.

- Hey girl.

(playful music)

- Stop all that switching.

Walk, walk like this.

- All I wanted was for y'all to sing a little bit,

ain't nobody gettin' no damn Christmas gifts.

- Well, shit, let me take my shit back then.

- What?

Don't nobody want none of your Dollar General gifts,

Pork Chop!

- Good, 'cause I ain't buy your ass nothing any damn way.

Shit.

- Hey, hey, hey!

Mama, what's going on, you okay?

- I just wanted them to sing some Christmas carols,

but these folks too scared.

Alonzo, Miranda, get your ass back in here!

- Excuse me, sister girlfriend,

I wanna sing and I wanna sing

♪ Soprano ♪

- Who the fuck is this male dude Nicki Minaj,

talking about some sister girlfriend?

Don't no dudes talk like that.

- Baby, the name is Antoine,

but you can call me Twan.

Oh, and my pronouns are them and she. (chuckles)

- Pronouns? - Mm-hm.

- What the fuck is this dude talking about pronouns?

I got some pronouns for you.

It's you UMOE.

U-M-O-E,

ugliest man on earth.

Man, get the fuck outta here.

- You must be one dumb nigga, that's an acronym.

And furthermore. (sultry jazz music)

I'm more man than your ass will ever be

and more woman than you'll ever get.

- Who the fuck is this bitch ass nigga.

- See you don't wanna go there with me.

I'm a woke nigga, okay.

- Nigga I put woke motherfuckers to sleep everyday.

- Ooh, see it's about to be some embarrassing shit

when you get your ass beat by a bitch with a nub.

- Hey man, if you don't get that chicken cutlet

the fuck away from me,

probably got monkey pox.

Get the fuck outta here.

- Keep coming with those sly ass comments,

your bitch ass about to get canceled.

- Canceled? - Canceled!

- David, where the fuck did you find shiny Fantasia?

- Outside homeless, needed a ride.

- Oh, oh.

- Twan, Twan, don't pay them no attention.

You can sing with us. - Really?

Oh thank you, you're so sweet. (giggles)

- By the way, I'm Hannah

and the blind dude over there,

that's my husband, Maurice.

- Yeah, nice to you.

(heels thudding)

Well, hello, how you doing handsome?

- Come on baby, come untie me.

- Oh, so am I your baby tonight?

- Hell yeah, you my baby and my girlfriend.

- In that case sugar, you better fuck me real good.

- Oh, I'm gonna fuck the linen outta them drawers, baby.

You already know what it is.

But look, chick so untie me

so I could go whoop that blind nigga ass.

- I'm here!

I'm ready to sing my Christmas carols.

(Mom sobbing) - That's what I'm saying.

- Mama, Mama, man up.

Man up! - I just wanna sing!

- We're gonna sing with you mama.

Look in my eyes.

- Come on, sit here, sit here. - Mama, it's okay.

- Where's Preston?

Where is Preston?

- Hey, who the fuck are these bammers?

- They downstairs, something wrong with him.

- Hey, ain't nothing wrong with me, I'm right here.

- Oh God, Preston, are you okay, oh my God.

- Get the hell off me, lady.

- Oh my God, what?

Preston Stanley Mitchell,

are you off your meds?

Madison, please tell me he's been taking his medication.

- Meds, what meds? - Oh dear God.

- Preston on drugs?

- Preston has a personality disorder,

he's not on drugs.

Listen, if he doesn't take his medicine,

he develops multiple personalities,

didn't you know that?

- Lady, shut the fuck up.

Ain't nothing wrong with me, you a liar.

- Stanley, you better get him.

- Ooh.

You will not speak to your mother that way,

I'll put my foot so far up your ass-

- Nigga I smack that fucking pipe out your mouth there.

(record scratches)

- Ooh, hoo, not today. - Nigga?

- Hoo-hoo!

Mary, Mary, take the shackles off my belt

so I can dance. - Let's go Stanley.

- Are you ready, son?

You can dance. - Yeah.

- Mm-hm, mm-hm, today. (suspenseful music)

- Honey. (slap smacks)

(group gasps)

- Preston!

- [Preston] Stanley, crazy mother fucker!

- [Pork Chop] Shit, you slapped the shit outta your daddy.

- Preston, no, we don't do that to your father.

- I will fuck all of y'all motherfuckers up in this house.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, okay.

(group clamoring)

- All of y'all have a seat- - It's okay, it's okay.

- While I take your man.

- Y'all, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Fuckin' hands off of me.

- Let him go!

- Daddy. - Let him go.

- Daddy. - I'm gonna beat his ass!

- I'll whoop your blind ass, nigga.

I'm outta here.

- Sit down. - Whoa.

Come on, man.

- Preston. - What?

- Listen to my voice.

You're having a bad day.

- [Hannah] Ooh.

- I want you to close your eyes.

You'll be in my command.

- [Miranda] Okay?

(gentle instrumental music)

(water squelches)

- I want you to think back to a time that both you

and Madison were great.

Visualize it.

Can you see him?

- I can see her.

- What are you doing?

- Kissing?

She she just told me yes to marriage.

- [Mother] Oh my God.

- Preston, listen closely.

You are Preston Mitchell.

When I snap my fingers, you'll go back to your regular self.

- You will change.

(fingers snap)

(Preston groans) - Oh!

(David laughs)

- David? - What?

- [Hannah] Preston!

- Fendi, season three. - Come on.

- Chevy! - Tom Ford!

- Baby! - Ford!

- [Madison] You're gonna do it, he's getting up!

- [David] FUBU.

- Volkswagen!

Pinto!

- Did it work? - Jesus.

- Renee it better have worked,

or I'll whoop his fuckin' ass.

- [Madison] That you, baby?

- Noodle muffin! (Renee yelps)

- Baby, you're back.

(playful music) - Where did I go?

- Look ladies, we taking down the whole family

and you gotta make it look like this

little motherfuckin' bastard is responsible.

- Ladies, we getting more pussy than you do. (scoffs)

- Yeah, last time I checked getting hand jobs from Twan

don't constitute as pussy.

(partner laughs) - Shh, man.

You're supposed to be with me bro.

Listen, well tell me what I gotta do.

I want this shit over.

- I want everything taken from these arrogant fucks.

I want the million dollar home taken.

I want their money taken.

I want their freedom taken.

And this little garbage pail kid lookin' motherfucker,

he gonna take the fall for this.

And Alonzo, he gonna rue the day he ever fucked with me.

- So what you want me to do?

Beat this baby Rick Ross lookin' motherfucker, what?

- Nah, I got something extra special planned for him.

Don't you worry about that.

(door thuds) (luggage clatters)

- [Hannah] Oh my. Let me help you.

I'm so okay, I got it, thank you.

How are you? - I'm fine, thank you.

- Yeah, well I'm Miss Mitchell's personal butler.

- I'm Miss Givens, Welcome to my humble abode.

- Well it's nice to meet you.

If you ever need anything

and I mean anything, don't hesitate to ask.

- Anything?

- Anything. (sultry electronic music)

(heavy breathing)

- Yes. (sighs)

Ooh.

- Mom.

Mom, what the hell you doing?

- What? - What are you doing?

I'm telling Daddy Ma, you nasty as fuck.

- I wasn't doing nothing, mind your business.

- You wasn't doing nothing.

Well you done nutted it all in that damn dashiki.

- Doctor, I need some attention.

I haven't been myself lately.

You think you can help me out with that?

(Bianca clears throat)

- [Bianca] I don't know what this bitch over here

talking about, but I'll try, fuck.

(panties snap) - That's nasty.

- [Bianca] Right now.

- I think I'm capable of

accommodating everyone here tonight.

- All right now. - Me.

- Nigga who the hell you think you are

walking around here talking to everybody

like you Thanos or some shit?

- I don't know, Chop.

Old snow sweater over here.

Might've got you on the voice.

- Shit.

Everybody around here knows that I'm the man

with the voice. (sultry music)

(group applauds) - Yeah, get 'em, Chop.

- This motherfucker. - My friend,

Your voice is inferior to mine.

- (scoffs) Really? - Yeah.

- You think so? - I know so.

- Okay, check this out.

Coming to a theater near you. (dramatic orchestral music)

Yams, rated R.

Take that motherfucker.

(group cheers and applauds)

- That's right.

- Very amusing.

But if we're gonna do this movie thing,

let's dig a little deeper.

- Mm-hm, dig deep. - Dig.

- Coming to theaters near you this summer,

Hypnotize, (dramatic music)

featuring BD Hamilton.

- Wait, what does BD stand for?

- Big dick, baby.

- Oh! (group clamors)

- My bet was on the Jets game.

- [Miranda] Hey boy, hey.

- You dapping him up.

You supposed to be my brother.

- Hey man, he cookin' you

like a seven el-lizzie glizzy, man.

- Whatever man.

We'll see who won when I whip this big nigga's ass.

- My Lord. - Come on, Dr. Feel Good.

Huh? - You have no idea.

- You old fake ass. - How dangerous I am, do you?

- Nigga, I don't care.

Bring your baby dick Thanos ass to the garage

so that I can hypnotize your ass with these.

- Oh! (group clamors)

Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!

- Do the Lord's work!

Do the Lord's work. (indistinct)

- Man, babe, you not even finna believe this shit, man.

I come out while I'm walking up to the door.

My mom up there lusting over the butler and shit.

Like I knew my dad was a ho.

I ain't know my mama was a ho.

I'm fucked up about it.

That's probably- - Are you serious?

- Yes, yes.

It's a mess going on over here.

Like I need to, I need to come be where you at.

Where you at?

- I'm out to eat. - With who, with who?

- My home girl. - Where she at?

Flip the camera around, lemme see.

- She's not out here right now.

I'm outside the restaurant talking to you.

- Okay, well drop your location.

I'm finna pull up and you better be up there

with your homegirl.

Real talk.

- Come on. - Drop your location.

- You can treat both of us.

- Okay, I ain't treating,

is both of y'all about to gimme some pussy?

Is both of y'all about to gimme some pussy?

- No. - Okay, well

drop your location.

I'm about to make sure you there.

Bye.

- I just sent it to you.

- Okay, I'm on my way. - Bye.

- All right.

- My good man.

I need you to beat this peasant nigga's ass.

I'm seeking revenge for his brother whooping my ass

not too long ago.

That fake Kimbo Slice looking motherfucker.

- Don't worry.

I got 'em.

- (laughs) My man is ready!

- Man, I know you ain't about to lose to this Drake sweater,

motherfuckin' WNBA power forward Abraham Lincoln

boot-wearing motherfucker.

You do, and out the family.

- Shit, I'm about knock this nigga the fuck out.

- Mah-fah! - Hoo!

- Mah-fah! - Hoo!

- All right, are you boys ready?

Because now it's time to get ready to (imitates drum roll).

- Get your My Little Pony ass out the way.

It's time to teach this silver back some lessons.

Let's go.

(suspenseful music)

- Come on, Pork Chop, let's go.

(Pork Chop groans) - Oh, okay.

- Ready to eat these chops?

Let's go.

- Oh, yeah.

Ooh, burnin'.

- [Pork Chop] Wanna taste this?

Bring it in your throat, let's go.

(fists whooshing) (group clamoring)

(punch thuds) - Ooh, damn!

- Pork Chop! - Daddy!

- My Lord! - Get up, Pork Chop!

- He's knockin' your man out.

- Fuck those motherfuckers, get your money!

- [Twan] He got it, he got it.

(punch smacks) - Ooh!

- Damn! - Woo!

- This is so sexy, ooh!

(kick smacks) (group clamors)

(dramatic music)

- [Miranda] Ooh, we!

- Oh my god, he's not breathin'!

I think he needs that mouth to mouth resuscitation.

(gun clicks) - Back the fuck up

before I fill this motherfucker with fairy dust.

Get the fuck over there. - Ooh.

- Mama? (group laughs)

(suspenseful music)

- Mm-mm.

Mm-mm.

Mm-mm.

Mm. (papers shuffling)

Yes, sir.

People wash couches no more.

Yes, sir.

(heels clicking)

- Damn, where everybody at?

Hello?

- God damn! - This motherfucker heavy.

- Shit, man,

I don't, I never paid enough for this man.

- Fuck you up, man.

- Hey, I see why y'all call him Pork Chop.

He need to lay off the pork, man,

get his ass over here.

- Dang. - Mr. Pork Chop.

You just got your handed to you

and it was splendid. (laughs)

- You know what?

If you don't get the fuck away from my brother,

I'm gonna fuck you up like I did last time.

- Jesus Christ, Leroy.

He's now a paraplegic. (laughs)

- You think I can get my money back?

- No. - Fight's over, ain't it?

- Yeah, he about to be snorin', too.

Come on, let's go.

- [Stanley] Jesus Christ, every time.

- Why dog- - Where you been at?

- I had to make a call.

Okay. - Ooh, watch out.

Hey you bad as a motherfucker.

What's happening?

You like 'em chunky?

Huh, rub my belly.

Chubby chaser, rock with your boy.

- Don't give up. - Nah, never that.

Never that.

- Hey, hey, 'cause she's one of them.

- Okay, okay?

- She one with of them. (laughs)

- Man, fuck with my boy.

- I'm trying to keep your light bill low.

Rub my belly a little bit.

You ain't trying to get near?

Fuck with your boy. - What's her deal, man?

(Preston chuckling)

- Preston, Preston, Preston.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, where you going man?

- You know Madison, she, she said she wanted

something called hood drip sauce on her chicken wings.

- Hmm. - Yeah.

- That sounds good, can I go with you?

David's ass is sleeping

and I want a steak and cheese and some fries.

- Oh sure.

Maybe you can show me where it's at. (laughs)

- [Miranda] Okay, bet.

(Maurice snoring) (suspenseful music)

- You are now. (clock ticking)

An angry donkey.

- Hee-haw, hee-haw!

Hee- (fingers snap)

(suspenseful music)

- [Twan] Yoo-hoo.

Well, well, well, well well.

Look at you just laying there

looking all handsome. (moans)

- I got something to wake your ass up.

(steps clicking)

(Miranda laughing)

- Yeah. (chuckles)

- This cold is all the wind out here.

- I know, my main concern though,

I wanna know about this hood drip sauce

my baby keep talking about. (laughs)

- Oh, you are going to love it.

Absolutely love it.

- Wait a minute, did you pass gas?

- No. - Yes you did.

- No, I did not! - Yeah.

- Why would you think that?

- What's the matter with me.

Where's my key at?

(tires screeching) (suspenseful music)

Oh shit, wait a minute.

Whoa! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

No, no!

- Help, help! (Miranda screaming)

(Miranda whimpering)

- Yo, let's go, let's go, let's go!

Go! (doors thud)

(engine revs)

- Jenny.

Stop faking.

Come, gimme some ass.

- Ooh, woo!

I knew you was a naughty boy.

Mm, but let's see what you're working with.

(sultry music)

(gasps) Mm-hm.

Oh, yeah.

(dramatic electronic music) Oh!

- Motherfucker!

Get the hell off of me,

and what is that on your arm?

- Ooh, you want me to use it on you too, Daddy?

Oh, shit!

- [Maurice] You know I'll fuck you up!

- [Twan] Oh, harder, Daddy.

- [Maurice] Rick James lookin' motherfucker!

- [Twan] Yes, Rick James, bitch!

(clock ticking) - Come now.

(Bianca moaning)

(Bianca screaming)

(Twan moaning)

- [Twan] Oh yeah.

- What the hell is going on in my house?

- [Bianca] Oh god, yeah!

(Bianca moaning)

- Wait, Daddy.

Was it as good for you as it was for me?

I knew he loved me. (giggles)

(spring reverberates)

(steps thudding) (suspenseful music)

(sultry music)

(Pork Chop groans)

- Jenny from the block.

God damn you know how to wake a nigga up.

Shit girl, I've been doing Tae Bo training for this.

- [Jenny] Oh really?

Did you train for this?

(cheeks smacking)

- [Pork Chop] Oh, shit.

Oh girl, good gosh my chop with the smoke-

(Pork Chop moaning)

(dramatic music)

(Pork Chop moaning dramatically)

(Pork Chop whimpering)

There's a bomb in the Kelly head.

- Well at least you didn't have a heart attack

like last time.

Keep training, baby.

(Pork Chop breathing heavily)

- You had one job to do.

- Ooh, baby. (sultry music)

See what I brought you, Hannah?

Isn't he sexy?

- What a great gift, Renee.

- [Renee] Brought some of this dick.

- Is it a magic dick? - Girl, yes it is.

- Oh it is. - Maybe he got a magic tongue.

Lemme sit on your face. - Ooh-ho, yes.

(dramatic music) - What the fuck?

- Maurice, you can see!

It's a miracle!

- Bitch, don't gimme that miracle shit.

And you're in the bed

with this Rico Suave lookin' motherfucker!

- Look, I can explain.

- I don't wanna hear it.

What the hell is going on in this house?

I got niggas screamin', I got a nigga with a nub

tryin' to grab my dick.

And Jenny and Pork Chop upstairs fuckin'!

- [Renee] Well, you can join us and fuck.

- I want everybody upstairs right now.

- He's not going anywhere. - Now!

- Don't laugh at me, don't laugh.

- Stanley!

- [Renee] Come on baby, we gotta go.

- Stanley!

- [Butler] Why you old ass blockin' me?

(suspenseful music)

- Wake your nerd ass up. (water splashes)

- Yeah.

What's going on man?

Who are you?

- Don't you worry about who I am, Preston.

What you need to be focused on

is what you gonna tell those feds about

all that money you stole?

- What, what money?

What money are you talking about?

I ain't steal no money.

- Man, I've been setting your up for months.

You thought you were making investments

in Christmas gifts for your family.

Another bitch in my Ponzi scheme.

- Man, I don't know you.

Why are you doing this to me?

- What the hell is going on?

And why are we tied up?

- This guy and his goons kidnapped us.

- Wait, wait, I know him.

Yeah, you are the guy that used to fix

our cable when we was kids.

- It was more like I was using my cable

to fix your mother's cable box. (laughs)

- What?

You was not fuckin' my mother.

- I tell you what I wasn't doing.

I wasn't fixing no damn cable.

Tell me this.

Who does Madison look like?

Me or your father?

- Liar, liar, pants on fire.

You're not gonna get away with this one, pal.

- Hell, I already have.

Faye is getting ready to make a bust any minute now.

- Oh yeah? - Yeah.

- All y'all backstabbing motherfuckers

can get the hell outta my house.

- Backstabbin'? - Excuse me?

- Hannah, you can go, too.

- Excuse me?

- I got my brother banging my girl on my couch.

(suspenseful music) - Who's your girl?

Jenny?

I knew something was going on.

- That came out wrong baby.

I ain't got no girl.

You my sugar plum.

Anyway, then I got Bianca sick ass.

- No, nah, nigga.

Let's get back to this Jenny shit.

How could you, Maurice?

- [Maurice] Who the hell are you?

- Daddy, you can see?

It's me, Madison.

- Baby girl, you pregnant?

Where the hell is that Goddamn Preston?

- I'm sorry I didn't tell you this early.

I just didn't know what to say.

- And you kept this from me.

All the time, all y'all treatin' me like a fool.

I can't take this shit.

- Don't blame us 'cause your ass was blind.

Ain't that right, Jenny?

You know you were with him at that hotel

when he was supposed to be out of town.

- Had a ball too.

You should have came and joined us.

The room was real nice.

- Don't, don't answer that Jenny.

But how can you cheat on me, Hannah?

- Oh well, now, since we just putting everything

out in the air for everyone to hear,

your precious baby girl ain't your daughter.

(group gasps) - Who your daddy is?

- (laughs) Jerry Springer wins again.

- My baby girl ain't my daughter?

You skank!

- Oh, oh! (Stanley laughing)

- Who that girl's Daddy?

- I was sick and tired of not being satisfied.

Your micro dick don't do shit.

(Jenny yelps)

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That nigga's adopted.

Shit. - Ma, how could you?

- Well, if you were only getting two and a half inches,

you would cheat, too. (group laughing)

- Nobody, oh Lord.

(suspenseful music)

- Police, get on the ground!

- [Officer] Everyone get on the fucking ground!

- Get on the fucking ground! - Get out!

(all clamoring)

- Get down, get down!

Get on the fucking ground.

Let see your hands, show me your hands!

Show me your fucking hands!

- Get the hell outta my house!

Get the hell outta here!

- [Stanley] Now you look like the wish version of Mr. Smith.

- Checkmate motherfucker.

- Hey O'Connor.

We just found stacks of these bail bonds downstairs.

- Bail bonds?

We ain't got no damn bail bonds in here.

- You shut your motherfuckin' mouth.

I'm gonna put you and your family under the jail.

- Maurice, what kind of scheme you got going now?

- Man, I'm telling you, I have nothing to do with this!

- Mm-hm, I bet!

- This nigga.

Man, my damn blue pill that's kicked in it,

and I wanted to tear motherfucker up!

- [Butler] I'm just the butler.

(chips crunching)

- How did I end up with his family?

- What's going on? - Get your motherfuckin' hands

off of me!

What the hell? - Don't let 'em take you!

No, no! (all clamoring)

- [Maurice] This guy's ain't got nothin'!

- I got family issues! - I don't have to take this!

- I am pregnant! - You're gonna move on out!

(all clamoring)

- I love 'em man, God damn, but how much?

(Hannah screams) - You can't arrest me!

- [Renee] Get off of me!

- This is exactly, no pullin', no I was a virgin.

You get my head shooken so I go home!

- You put your hands on 'em! (all clamoring)

- You know what, I'm gonna do right.

I'm gonna save them.

I'm gonna save my family. (chips crunch)

- Yeah, that's right.

Better dream about six rounds with the beat little flute.

(laughs) Leroy does it again.

Time to celebrate.

(dramatic music)

Man, what the hell is this?

- This is Terri Alexander with TRJ News.

In breaking news,

the family estate of prominent businessman

Maurice Givens was seized last night

by federal authorities in Washington DC.

- What the fuck?

- The Givens family was allegedly involved

in an international Ponzi scheme

that defrauded multiple investors

upwards of a hundred million dollars.

We'll have more for you as this story unfolds.

(dramatic music)

- You know, I ain't never felt like this

about nobody for real.

(soft music)

Like I want to give you everything.

I want to buy you a house.

- For real? - For real,

I'm gonna get you that house

Michael Jackson used to have the one

with the zoo and shit in the back.

- And a monkey.

- Girl, I'll be your monkey.

Call me Curious George with all this ass back here.

Man, but for real. - Hey Lonzo.

Come on nephew, we got to go.

- Man, What the going on, man?

- Man, get the hell up.

They done locked everybody up, man.

We got to go now. - God damn, man!

- What the fuck is that?

- You know what that is.

You know what that is.

- God, it's like a muffin and a cupcake.

I wanna put stuffin' in it, man.

Lemme get a little bit. - Oh no, what the fuck, man?

Move, man.

- [Uncle] Hey look man, just let her know.

There's some kids coming over later for a field trip, baby.

- Unc, Unc.

Unc, I swear to God,

I'll have her fart in your face,

clear this whole motherfuckin' room out, you hear me?

- Ooh, yeah. - Pants on, man.

Do I, do I got time for another nut?

- [Uncle] Nephew, come on!

- Damn, man.

- This is what you're gonna do, Preston.

- What?

- Just read what's on the card.

- Listen man, I'm not helping you perpetrate your lie.

Now go take a hike, punk.

- If you don't say this shit- - Whoa, whoa.

- I'm gonna blow her motherfuckin' brains

clear across this floor, you hear me?

(Miranda whimpering) - Yeah, you know better

than the play with me, Slim.

(Miranda whimpering)

God dang.

I oughta shoot her ass for smellin' like this.

Fuck. - Okay, okay, man.

I'll do it. - Fuck.

- I'll do it.

Look man, you want me to read something?

You know I can't read without my glasses.

I need my frames.

- Make me believe that shit, Preston.

- [Preston] Okay, man.

- Believe that shit. - All right.

(suspenseful music)

(Preston clears throat)

To whom it may concern, I, Preston Mitchell,

was a part of a Ponzi scheme

where we stole millions and framed innocent people.

Now I'm confessing this today

because I can't take the guilt

from stealing from thousands of people.

- Man, what the hell is going in there supposed to do?

Who would even know what the is going on up in that joint?

- Man, this bitch ass cop O'Connor's

behind this whole fuckin' thing, man.

- Damn, Alonzo.

What the hell is that you got in your house?

- Ew. - What the fuck?

(playful music)

Man, that's little one-nub, man.

He probably in on this shit, too,

in there rubbing his ass off on every fuckin' thing, man.

- Fuck this shit.

I'm about to go in there and whip that motherfucker

with the one good arm he got left.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, whoop, whoop his ass, Leroy

right with that one arm.

- Man, how the fuck we gonna do any of that

when the feds is watching the house?

- Man, I'm about to go get my shit

and blast all these motherfuckers.

- Wait, wait, wait, I got this, I got this.

Y'all trust me, right?

- Hell no!

- Hey man, look, look I got this.

Look, kingpin, I need your help, come on.

- All right.

Hey, hey, hey, don't fuck this up man.

- Man, I got this! (door thuds)

- Man, you two Bert and Ernie motherfuckers hurry up.

- What the hell is this crack head doing?

- Hey, you got a quarter, nickel, dollar, dime, on ya, bud?

- Hey, get the hell away from here!

We ain't got time for this!

- No, sir, no sir. - Hey man, come on.

I'll wash your car for 45 cents.

- [Store Owner] Hey, you little crack head!

You stole from my store you mother bitch!

- What? - I'm cold-hearted.

- Whatcha talking 'bout?

- Listen, you two get away from here

before locked both your asses up.

- He stole from my store.

Arrest him, or he will die.

- Hey man, back up before you get your ass whooped.

Right in front you, yeah, yeah!

How'd ya like some of that, huh?

- [Officer] Break it up!

- Don't touch me or you'll get it, too! (laughs)

- I demand to be released!

I'm Stanley Richard Robert Guinevere Mitchell!

Release me at once, man!

Before I smack you like the bitch that you are.

- There must be some mistake.

We're upstanding citizens in the community.

- [O'Connor] No mistake.

In fact, David's the reason you're here.

Yep, that fat fuck set you up.

- Motherfucker.

When I get outta here, I'm whipping yours and David's ass.

- Let us outta here right now, I mean it.

- Come on officer.

Let us out right now.

And I'll suck all the meat off your taint

until your eyeballs pop out.

I'll make you squeal like a pig.

- Oh, you'd do that for me?

- Yeah, ooh, yeah.

- Let me think about that for a second.

Fuck no, you trashy bitch.

Go ahead with yourself, get on outta here.

(Bianca squeaks)

Don't worry.

You are gonna have your day in court,

and I'll take real good care of that mansion.

And you might wanna do something about

that five o'clock shadow that one.

(Bianca squeals) - Oh dear.

- What the fuck?

- Presents. (hand smacks)

- Get the fuck out my brother house, Shiny Fantasia.

- Hurry the fuck up nub hub.

- Get the fuck up before I blow your other arm off, nigga.

Put your fuckin', put this nub the fuck down.

- Okay! - Put it down,

put your hand other hand up.

Put the nub, leave the fuckin',

I don't know what the fuck to do.

Leave it.

- I'm sorry.

You're not gonna pop a cap in my ass, are you?

- Calm down, Happy Meal.

Only place I'm about to shoot you

is right between those two cum catchers

you call eyelashes.

Get the over there. - Yeah.

And your bitch ass gonna get my family cleared

of these fuckin' bullshit charges, too.

Do you fuckin' hear me?

- Hey, calm that motherfucker down on flat

so I'll make chicken nuggets in here.

- Okay.

- And you need to put some deodorant on that motherfucker,

you got in here smelling like orange chicken.

The fuck wrong with you? - Stop looking.

- Man, don't fuckin', man gimme the gun,

I'll kill this motherfucker myself.

- Okay, okay! - Stop playing with us.

Ain't nobody looking, I will-

- Don't shoot me.

- [Alonzo] Start fuckin' talking right now.

- Okay, I'll tell you everything, okay, okay.

I need my other arm. (sobbing)

- All rise, this court is in session.

The Honorable Reginald P. Davis presiding.

(suspenseful music) You may be seated.

- Your Honor, this is the State of Maryland

versus the Givens and Mitchells.

Docket number seven, seven, seven, 93 11.

- Objection, I ain't done shit!

Racist bastards trying to set me up.

(gavel pounds)

- That'll be enough from you, sir.

One more outburst,

and I'm gonna hold you in contempt of court.

- Your Honor, we have a confession

from one of the members of this group.

- Let me see this evidence.

Thank you.

- I, Preston Mitchell, was a part of a Ponzi scheme

where we stole millions and framed innocent people.

Now I'm confessing this today

because I can't take the guilt

from stealing from thousands of people.

Now, some of the people that were involved,

Maurice and Hannah Givens-

- As you can see, there's enough evidence

to move forward with the trial.

We are requesting no bail for all parties involved.

- The following people will no longer be held in custody.

Madison Givens, Bianca Jordan,

Brenda Givens, and James Turner.

Bail has been denied for the remaining parties.

- Wait a minute, who the hell is James Turner?

(suspenseful music) - I'm James Turner.

(dramatic music)

(Pork Chop screams) - Motherfucker!

- Let me see, the earliest date on my calendar

is May of 2025.

Until then, the Jessup Correctional Center

will be your residence.

(gavel pounds) This hearing is adjourned.

- Objection! - The fuck?

I make my stand here!

I contribute so much to black success!

(all clamoring) No, no!

Get your, no, get off me!

Get off of me! - That's my husband, Stanley!

(Rufus barking) Stanley, Stanley!

Oh my God!

- I told you I was gonna get you back, bitch.

But don't worry, I'm gonna take real good care

of our daughter. - You nasty motherfucker!

(uptempo hip hop music) ♪ Ho ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Ho ♪

(glasses clinking) - There it is.

♪ Yeah, oh ♪

(glasses tap) - Come on man.

- Well, we didn't.

- Yep. - You got your payback.

Exactly what'd that bitch do anyways?

- Man, I left my wife for her.

We were in love, and we were gonna leave

and start a new life together.

This ho never showed up and kept my daughter from me.

Told that bitch I was gonna get her.

And I did.

- Judge, come on man.

It's Christmas Eve.

Relax, you know, look at all these ladies

that wanna share this house with you.

- Yeah, man.

- We'll be all right.

This is gonna be the best Christmas ever.

I say best Christmas ever and the happiest New Year.

Oh, thank you, that's just what we need.

Come on, let's drink to that.

(glasses clink) That's a toast.

Mm, ah.

I'm gonna get back to the party.

- All right.

- [O'Connor] Yeah.

♪ Yeah, woo ♪

♪ Hey ♪ - Damn!

♪ Oh ♪

(suspenseful music)

- Look, nephew, I gotta get the fuck up about this closet.

That shit better work.

Now how the fuck we know that one arm kickstand

one leg motherfucker ain't gonna stab us in the back?

- Unc, re-fuckin'-lax, man.

I got this shit, this shit is fool proof,

do you hear me?

Do you fuckin' hear me?

We got these niggas right where we want 'em at.

And I'm gonna let you know something right now,

That fuckin' Twan, he know not to fuck with me.

I'll rip that other arm off.

He'll be walking around this bitch,

they be calling him Nubby Nub, do you hear me?

We got a plan,

I got the girls coming through and everything, man.

You smell that?

- The fuck? - It smell like weed in here.

Somebody left some weed in their pocket.

(coats rustling)

(bell dings)

(Alonzo laughs)

- Gimme that, motherfucker!

- Oh, gimme that, I will fuckin' kill you.

Gimme that back shit back, man.

Stop playing with me, man.

- It's Christmas for real.

The gift that keep's giving. (playful music)

(uptempo hip hop music)

- So is it true that white boys

really know how to go down on a girl?

- Hell yeah.

I can show you better than I can tell you, though.

- Girl, you got the fattest ass I have ever seen.

You gonna let me put my face down there?

- You can do whatever you want.

(Judge blows raspberry)

(playful music)

- Oh, wallet, oh.

Woo, oh shit!

Oh, voila, I got the phone.

- So me and my sister are gonna go upstairs

and get more comfortable,

so if you could give us five minutes,

and you can come find us.

- All right.

- [Sister] 'Cause I'm tryin' to see what that mouth do.

- And I'm gonna shove this all in this ass.

- Damn.

Man, I'm about to wear that ass out!

(Miranda sobbing) - Oh, God.

- Wait, wait a second. - Oh, oh, shit,

what's happening now?

Bah, oh my God, ooh, thank God you're here, man.

Hey, where's everybody?

- Lonzo and Leroy, they in the house somewhere.

- Get us outta here, man. (Miranda whimpering)

- Oh, oh my God. (Bu Bu coughing)

So happy that you're here.

- Damn, close your, put that gag back over your mouth.

- No, no, no, no, no! - Smells like silverback lip!

- I can smell her breath all the way over here.

- I got y'all, I got y'all.

I'm gonna get y'all straight today.

- Come on, Bu Bu, yeah, man.

Hell yeah.

- Come on, let's go. - Hell yeah, man.

(sultry music) - And he loves you.

Come on in.

What the hell? - What in the world?

- What kind of nasty wang dang doodle

is going on in this house?

Oh! - Alonzo, Uncle Leroy.

What the hell is going on?

- So listen, them Bama boys been plotting on us

for the last few months.

- What, where's Preston?

- He around here somewhere

and they, they got Miranda stinkin' ass too.

(Madison groans) What's wrong, what's wrong,

what's wrong? - Nothing, I'm fine,

it's just a little contraction.

- Okay, all right, come on,

let's get you somewhere to sit down.

- Listen up, Carrot Top.

I got two jobs for you,

and neither one of them require you blowing.

Let's go. - Dang it.

- Where them girls at?

What the, what the?

Where did they go? - Oh, there they are.

Oh my goodness.

- There you are.

I've been looking for you.

I thought I lost you.

Man, you look better than ever.

I swear to God you do.

Yeah.

Christmas comin' early.

(sultry music)

Yeah.

Private party in here.

- You got some handcuffs, baby?

- [O'Connor] Ooh.

- I'm trying to do some freaky to you.

- Really?

You know I'm a cop, I got some right here.

Of course I got handcuffs.

I been lockin' up bitches like you for 20 years.

You sure you know how to use that shit?

- Shut the fuck up. - Oh, okay.

You a big talker.

Let's see if you got any action behind them words.

I doubt it, let's see what you got.

Oh, aw!

It's police brutality.

This isn't what, what is this illegal?

Ooh.

I consent to this search.

Ooh, yeah. (breathing heavily)

Yeah, Alonzo.

I got your million dollar house, Alonzo.

Ooh, that's not all I got.

I finally gonna seal the deal.

I finally. (breathing heavily)

I got me a black girl.

- All right, listen.

I need you in main floor, the basement, okay?

You better not have this fuckin' baby right now.

- Shut up. - I can't deliver no baby.

- I know you can't.

- All right then, so hold that shit in.

- (groans) Ooh, God.

- Remember how used to squeeze your booty together

to stop yourself from boo-booin',

that's what I need you to do.

- Squeeze? - Squeeze together.

Squeeze, it's not comin' out. - Squeeze!

- Sweetie! - Baby, you're okay!

I thought they hurt you.

I'm okay, but how's our baby, how's little Preston?

(liquid squelches)

- [Alonzo] Sis, are you squirtin'?

- What? - What?

- What are you talkin' about, man?

- What are you talkin' about.

- It smell like squirt.

- What, you crazy. - Preston, the baby's coming.

- Wait a minute, we gotta get her to a hospital.

So what I'm gonna do, everybody stay here,

I'm gonna go get the car.

- Okay, oh! (all clamoring)

- What the hell you think you're gonna do with that?

- Stand down, Kirk Franklin!

- You was the bitch that shot at me earlier!

I'mma light your ass up, get back!

(electricity zapping) - No, crack head.

You don't have the balls to tase me.

- You think I won't, you think I won't?

- You won't. - Get her ass!

- Stand here! (electricity clicking)

♪ Now, now, now, now, now, now, now ♪

(Bianca giggles)

(lever clicks) (all screaming)

- [Officer] Who the fuck did it?

♪ Ding dang dang dang dang ♪

- All y'all get your bitch asses on the ground

before I turn this motherfucker into IHOP breakfast!

Go ahead, do it!

- Shit. - Get on the ground.

Nigga, get on the ground.

(Leroy laughing)

- Hey Preston! - Yeah?

- Get my niece to the hospital.

- Okay, then, come on, baby.

I got you.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- You ain't sorry, you sorry-ass motherfucker.

(man sobbing)

- Bitch ass motherfucker!

(man coughing)

- Tell your man to shut the fuck up

or I'm gonna kill all three of y'all right now.

- I can't see! - Hey, shut the fuck up,

Rickey Smiley! - Get your bitch ass up

and dance right now.

Come on. - Come on,

you Eddie Kane lookin' motherfucker!

♪ It's time for the percolator ♪

♪ It's time for the percolator ♪

♪ It's time for the percolator ♪

♪ It's time for the percolator ♪

(Alonzo grunting melodically)

Stop, you still not goin' home, bitch.

- Ooh, yeah.

What you gonna do? - Hurry up.

- Ooh, you got a little brass up in here, huh?

- So before we start, you can touch, but you can't look.

- All right, girl.

I'm gonna suck a nigga all in them titties.

- Okay, lay down first.

- What you gonna do to me?

Oh, what you doin'?

You gonna tie a brother up.

You know, I like that kinky shit.

- Oh, you do? - I do, yeah.

- How much? - A lot, oh.

- You gonna get some kinky shit tonight.

- Blind, you gonna.

Girl.

- Y'all don't even know what you got yourself into.

- Girl, I'm gonna beat the brakes off of that pussy,

what you talkin'.

Come on, girl, let's do this.

Bitch, where your titties at, shit?

The fuck?

- [Twan] Surprise!

- What, nigga, get the fuck off of me!

What the fuck? - Uh-uh, oh no, Daddy.

I want some of that King Kong head,

that's what I want. - You don't get shit!

You don't get no damn dick!

Hey, somebody help me!

Get off of me, man, what the fuck you doin', man?

(paddle smacks)

- Oh, you must be puttin' it on.

I gotta get some of that action.

- Oh, you about to get all this work, baby.

(sultry music) - Get the fuck away

with that shit, man!

(O'Connor moans) (sultry country music)

- So. (panting)

What you gonna do to me first?

- Remember when you laughed

when I said I was gonna make you squeal like a pig?

(O'Connor gasps)

- What the fuck?

(Bianca laughs)

You fuckin' whore! (screams)

- You got a purty mouth, all right!

(whip smacking) - Oh, you fuckin' bitch!

Ow, get off of me!

(O'Connor screaming)

- Put your fuckin' hands, hey, shut up, bitch.

- Come on, I said, move, move!

- [Alonzo] Stop all that fuckin' cryin'!

- Come on, man, man. - Let's go.

- [Leroy] Move!

- [Alonzo] Where you goin' to?

- FBI, hands up! - FBI, get your hands up!

- Move, move, move! - Get your hands up.

- [Boo Boo] They the bad guys, they the bad guys, it's them!

- No, no, wait, wait, wait.

Fellas, fellas. - They the bad guys!

- They, hey, they with us.

Hey, fellas, they with us.

Arrest all them dirty motherfuckin' cops right there.

- [Twan] Hey, yeah, yeah, Michael Jackson lookalike.

Get up oughta here.

You too, Shaft, come on. - Light skinned Common.

Skinny Carl Winslow.

Roll it out, roll it out, roll it out.

- Man, what the fuck, what you doin' with them?

- I'm an informant, Alonzo.

I've been workin' with them for months.

- Man, this motherfucker's a snitch.

- Hey, not when you work with us.

- Man, fuck French Montana, I'm out.

- Get outta here, man.

- Hey, we did that, though.

We did do that. - We did that.

Black man beat the cops.

- Beat the fuckin' cops, did you see how we got it?

- Ha, my dog! - Yeah!

- Then, they put a gun to my head

and said they was gonna shoot me

if I didn't go along with their plans.

I was so scared.

- You better not say nothin'!

- But yeah, them two planned the whole thing, mm-hm.

- Better start plannin' your funeral, they, she, he,

whatever the fuck your pronouns are.

- (scoffs) So rude.

(sultry music) But anyway.

- Come on, baby, let's go. (Madison groaning)

It's all right, baby, come on!

- Go get help, Preston!

- I'm gonna go get help right now!

I need your help right now.

- Welcome to Walter Medical, how can I help you?

- The baby, it's coming! - Baby?

- Baby? - Yes, baby.

- Oh, we don't do that here.

- No, my wife is getting ready to drop the baby,

I need a wheelchair, come on! - Oh, my God.

I'll go get the chair.

- Give me the wheelchair now!

What is this, a rolling? - It's all we got.

- Okay. - Code blue.

- Dr. Syford!

Dr. Syford, I need you now

- [Announcer] All doctors to the ER.

- Baby, we got it. - Preston!

The baby, he's coming! (groaning)

(Preston grunting) - Come on, come on.

Get those legs off, get those legs through.

Come on. - It hurts!

- Little Preston's on the way, my baby's comin'!

Oh, nurse!

I need! (nurse clamoring)

- Oh God! (groaning)

- You're beautiful, just keep breathing.

- [Nurse] All right, Madison, we're here with you.

- I can't no more, I can't! - Yes, you can, yes you can!

Yes, you can, yes, you can.

- Baby, you got this. - Come on.

- You remember what we learned at Lamaze class?

- Uh-huh! - With the breathing,

you remember this?

Look, look at me. (breathes heavily)

(Madison breathes heavily) - Nigga!

I need some drugs! - No, no, no, no!

- I'll get you drugs. - Keep breathin'.

Okay, she doesn't really mean it, she doesn't mean it,

she's in pain. - Hey, I'm gonna take a peek

down there, for a minute, let me see her.

- [Nurse] Just a minute, just a minute.

(dramatic music)

Oh, no, Dad, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, come on.

- Yo, Madison!

Ain't nobody here. - Preston, Preston!

- Where's Maurice? - Y'all here yet?

What's going on?

Madison? - Preston!

- Ain't nobody here, man.

- Ain't no doctors here? - Get your ass in here.

- What's going on? (Madison screams)

Oh, wait a minute, I hear her, that's my baby girl.

Hey, y'all stay right here.

(Madison groaning)

- Preston! (groaning)

- Madison!

- Ma, Daddy, you made it!

- Of course, we're here, baby!

- [Maurice] Preston, hold her hand.

- I got her hand, Pop.

Come on. - You got this, baby girl.

- Okay.

- Just hold my hand. - Breathe, breathe.

Don't squeeze it too tightly. - Ah, ah. (groans)

- One, two, three. (Madison screams)

(baby cries)

- Where my nephew, where my nephew?

(gentle orchestral music) My nephew, man.

- Baby girl, you did it. - There go my brother, Alonzo.

- I'm not your brother, man. - Yes, you are.

- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.

- Let me see. - Oh, so precious.

- Oh God damn, ooh.

- Uh oh, let me see. - Uncle Leroy!

- She's makin' it rain.

- Look, Baby Preston, everybody brought you gifts.

- Preston, y'all named this nigga Preston?

Man, you're supposed to name him Alonzo, man.

I want my fuckin' gift back man.

- Well I'm his dad.

- I don't care who you are.

(bell ringing) - It's Santa!

- Hey, it's Chop.

That's your Uncle Pork Chop right there.

- Ho, ho, ho. (group murmurs)

Merry Christmas little baby.

(Madison giggles)

What did y'all name this little bastard?

- They named this nigga Preston, man.

- What?

- Man, it don't even matter, man.

- I'm his dad.

Who else did you wanna name him after?

- Merry Christmas, everybody.

- Merry Christmas!

- You know, he look like the UPS man.

- No, that's my baby.

- It's your baby. - What can brown do for you?

(group laughs) Give a baby.

- Wait a minute, what is he talkin' about?

This is my baby, right? - Yes, yeah.

(uptempo instrumental music)

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Ah, yeah ♪

- [Bianca] Oh yeah, use that magic tongue! (moaning)

(hand smacking) Oh yeah, oh, oh!

- [Miranda] What the fuck is going on?

That don't make no god damn sense.

(Bianca moaning)

- That's enough, this skank heifer gotta go!

(Bianca squealing)

- Oh my God!

- Ma, I'm gettin' the fuck outta here.

- Uncle Rufus, you nasty as fuck, man.

Hey, was it good, though?

(Uncle Rufus howls)

- Ha, you nasty, man.

Hey, go ahead lick yourself up,

come on, clean yourself up, man.

(Rufus panting)

- Come on, y'all, let's just go to bed.

- What room she ran into?

- Shit.

I wore that ass out. (howls)

(uptempo hip hop music) ♪ Yeah ♪