Original subtitles

Maya, can you believe our new house? It is so great.

No, it's so beautiful. I can't believe we got it for the price we did.

I know! God, we're so lucky. The architecture is so good. I'm so ready to check everything out.

Okay, I'm going to go put this in the kitchen.

Do you want to go check out your new room? And I will meet you in a minute.

Yeah.

What the heck?

Nice joke, Maya. Really funny.

Alright, let me get this taken care of.

Wait, how did she even get up here?

Whoa, I've never seen one in person before.

Where'd you put the batteries?

Guess it doesn't need them.

I bet Jermaine knows how to use it.

I'm going to try one time by myself.

Um, well, will I get a boyfriend this year?

Yes.

What is it?

Does Jermaine make them?

Anyone else have anything to ask me? I bet Charlie would love to ask you.

What the fuck is that?

Maya, did you make a mess?

Like, what? This wasn't here just a second ago.

What the fuck is this?

God, this, like, doesn't even look human. I don't even know, like, what this might even be.

I don't know. It's just so...gooey. And it's green.

Should I taste it?

Why not? I mean, of course.

It's a little lime. It's kind of...good.

It's just such a weird, weird texture.

Why does it feel so breezy in here. I don't even hear Maya. I don't even know if she kind of made it down here to do that.

Something weird is happening in this house.

Mom, Charlie, I was upstairs and there's this thing-

Step mom.

Right, mom, I was upstairs in this thing and there's this board under my bed and-

No, no, something weird just happened. Everything opened in the kitchen and I felt this weird breeze in between my legs and it won't stop.

I don't know what's going on. Oh my god, is that the board you were talking about?

It's happening, Maya. I thought you were playing a joke on me.

I thought you were playing it because the door just closed by itself.

Spirits aren't really something you want to fuck with, but it looks like we might have to.

Because when you do something like that, you know, you can invoke spirits from the other realm into your own home.

So Ouija boards are very powerful.

Back when I was in college, I used to belong to this occult sorority that was full of lesbians.

But we had a similar situation.

And so, you know, we're just going to have to brainstorm.

We could potentially do...

Hexorcisms?

What? That sounds scary.

I know, we'll have to call a priest. Terrifying.

Um, what else can we do?

We could do like a Salt Circle.

A Salt Circle? What is that?

Um, I don't know, I'm going to have to check my spell book, but I know like we did it one time, but me and Heather were hooking up, so like, I just didn't really pay attention.

Um, what else? I know there's like a bunch of infomercials they've seen about getting rid of spirits.

Yeah?

Yeah.

There's probably like a number we could call.

Like a 1-800 number or something?

Yeah, I think we could try that.

Okay, so we've got a few ideas.

I want to have like a grab bag of ideas.

I want us to be super prepared because this could be really serious.

What if we just do them all?

We should probably do them all.

But I think there's something we're forgetting.

Like I think there's an idea that we really get rid of it.

Like what?

I think a seance.

What is that?

We have to call him.

Call him?

Yes.

And we have to bring him-

Yes, with the Ouija board.

We should have never touched that.

Well, it's too late now.

So, we need to bring him in.

We need to figure out what he wants.

You want him in here?

Yes, we want him in here.

It's the only way to get rid of him.

Yeah.

I mean, do you have any other ideas, Maya?

Um, oh my god!

Oh my god!

Oh my god!

Where did it go? I'm...

This house, I...

Oh my god, I just don't even...

Maya, what are we going to do?

Mom, I don't know, I'm scared.

I'm scared too. I'm feeling that breeze again.

It's freaking breezy in here.

How are we... how are we...

How are we going to call him if we don't have the board

and then we can't have the seance

and...

Well, we just like... we'll figure it out.

We'll get a grocery list together.

We'll get some things together.

You know, honestly, we might not even need anything.

Our spirits might be powerful enough to get rid of it.

But what about, like, the salt that you just talked about, and don't we need that?

Well, we could do that, and some candles.

Um, do you have any incense?

Um...

I know you're into that hickory dippy shirt, Maya.

I think I have some sage.

Yeah? Okay. So let's get that.

And then...

Hmm. So...

I'm thinking...

I'm thinking that I might have some of my old occult books left. We could try to

look something up. Yeah. But first I think we might want to check the AC or

something in here. It's just so drafty. You think it's the AC and not the ghost?

I mean, I hope it's the AC and not the ghost. We'll figure it out Maya, don't worry.

Do you think that's why the house was so cheap? Because it's haunted? Oh my god Maya,

you're probably exactly right. That's probably exactly why this house was so

Of course, you can never trust a fucking deal.

Okay, so...

Well, I mean, if the Ouija board's what brought him here...

You think it's connected to the board?

Yeah, it's gotta be connected to the board.

So it's probably what we need to be dealing with right now.

We gotta find the board.

I mean, it was under my bed earlier, so it's probably just some...

You think it went back up there?

I don't know, it's probably just somewhere.

Do you think it's connected to the board has to stay in the house or something?

That makes sense, right?

I mean, some things you don't separate, some things you don't fuck with.

Maybe it does have to stay here.

But I think we need to use the Ouija board to get the ghost and to get him out.

Okay, so we'll play with the Ouija board or something and then...

And then what do we do when we talk to him?

Well, we ask him what he wants, and then we give him what he wants, and then he leaves.

And it just works like that?

I mean, I don't know what else to do.

That's what we used to do in college to get guys to go away.

Well, like, what if we got something like holy water or something?

Oh, right, like in an exorcism. What did they say?

Okay, I've got it, I've got it. The power of Christ compels you.

The power of Christ compels you.

The power of Christ compels you!

Okay, I think it feels a little less breezy in here.

I'm still so spooked, Maya. I'm so scared.

Maya, what the hell? Where did your clothes go?

I don't know.

Was it the ghost?

We have to find the Ouija board.

Yes, let's go upstairs to the Ouija board right now.

Let's get your clothes. Go.

Oh my god, it's up here just like we thought, Maya.

What are we going to do? This is so weird.

I don't know. I'm really confused.

Because when I left, I left my box there.

Yeah, your stuff was here.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

That's so weird.

Okay, okay, okay.

Just stay focused.

Let's get on the board. Let's figure this out, okay?

I don't know what I did earlier. I just lifted up and it just started moving on its own.

So I know there's like inscriptions. I have to go deep back in my college memories.

Like the viewfinder. I think you're supposed to move it around.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.

It's already spelling C.

C.

U.

Oh my god.

Come.

Maybe.

Maybe we didn't do it right.

Maybe we'll just, maybe we'll have to set it down or something.

Okay, we'll try something else.

We'll put both of our fingers on it.

Okay, um, oh, Spirit, what do you, what do you want from us?

What can we do for you, Spirit? Let us know.

Oh, it's moving.

Oh my gosh.

C.

U.

Okay.

What do you think happened to him?

Maybe...

What if he was a virgin?

Oh my god, we have to help him.

He probably died a virgin.

And he never got to have sex before he passed over to the other side.

So you think if we let him come...

Maybe he'll cross back over.

I mean, I think it'll work. What else do we have to lose?

Um, I guess...

Can't hurt, okay?

Okay, um...

Spirit, do you want us to fuck you?

Oh, wow.

See? I told you. That's what we have to do.

Okay, um, well, how do we invite him in to do it?

Well...

Should I take my pants off?

Probably, that's a good start. Let's open ourselves up to him.

Okay.

Yep, that's it, Maya.

Oh...

Okay...

Spirit?

it. We have more questions. Um, do you want to, um, do you want to fuck? Yeah. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Okay. Well, there's no denying it now. Oh my God. It's still moving.

E. L. O. W.

What's a blowie?

How are we supposed to even know where Ghost Dick is?

I don't know. I mean, how are we supposed to suck a dick that we can't see?

I mean, I'm sure we'll feel it.

You think?

You would think.

I don't know.

Can you feel Ghost Dick? Should we search engine this?

I mean, are you feeling anything right now? Do you feel anything different in the room?

No, I don't feel anything at all. I don't even think he's in here.

I think if we're both naked then maybe he'll come in here, you know, like entice him a

little.

Ghost.

Ghost.

Where are you?

So, Ghost, we've been seeing you all day, we know you're here.

Wait, what? Is that? I mean, I guess he's...

I don't know, Maya. I don't know. I don't know.

I mean, are you... can you see me?

I think I've got it, Maya. Maya, I think I feel it.

You think you're blind right now?

I know I'm blowing him right now.

Oh my god! Spirit, we're connected!

I guess I should get naked too, right?

Yeah, Maya. Help out. Let's do this.

Gotta get rid of this ghost.

Let me see it.

I think we got his paws.

Thank you for watching.

Okay, I think we're getting somewhere.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you think if we make him come, he'll just leave us alone for now?

I think that's the idea.

I think that's what we have to do.

Okay.

And that seems fair.

Right?

I mean, it's the least we can do.

Let's help him pass on to the other side.

He did help us get this house for really cheap.

If you think about it, we owe him.

Oh my god.

Right?

It's almost like we owe him.

It sounds like he did us a favor.

Yeah, suck that dick.

Do you like that, Mr. Ghost?

Yep, yep, you're doing great, Maya.

I taught you so well.

You really did.

Remember that time we fucked my boyfriend?

Shit.

Sorry, I shouldn't even mention that.

How could I forget?

That's a little treat for you, Mr. Ghost, too.

You can think about that in the afterlife.

Oh, I bet he'll be thinking about this forever.

It is the only time he ever got to fuck someone.

It's Ghost Falls.

Yeah.

I never thought moving into our new house would require bargling those sticks.

I didn't either.

But you look so pretty when you sit up there.

You too, Maya.

We're really bonding in our new house together.

Do you think he's gonna come like this?

I don't know. I can't tell if it's working or not.

I mean, he is a virgin.

If I was a virgin, I would want pussy.

Yeah, I think you're right. I think we should try it. What do we have to lose?

Ghost, would you like me to fuck you?

Yeah.

Ghost, did you hear us? Do you want us to fuck you?

Oh, oh.

There we go.

I think I felt something.

You felt that breeze again, remember when I told you?

Whoa.

Did it just blow you off?

I don't think so.

Okay.

Alright, I think this is what we have to do, Maya.

Wow.

You got it?

Do you feel it?

I think I feel it.

Okay, just go for it and give them everything you got.

We have to give them a good send off.

Do it just like I taught you, okay?

I think I can do that.

Okay.

Mr. Ghost, do you like it?

He likes it.

He likes it.

Okay.

Yep.

Yep, you're doing so great.

I can feel the energy lifting already.

Yeah? Do you think when he comes

he'll just disappear?

I mean...

maybe he'll visit us?

But yeah, he'll probably get lost.

Ugh.

Um, okay.

So give it to him harder, Maya.

We gotta really make him cum, okay?

Let's see.

Do you think we should ask him if I should fuck him, too?

Yeah, I think that's a good idea.

I mean, it would be a shame to, like, waste your pussy, too, since he is a virgin.

Like, I would wanna have sex with two people, rather than just one.

Okay, I'm gonna do whatever we have to to make this work.

Okay, so, Mr. Ghost, do you want to fuck me, too?

Yeah.

Okay.

That was pretty eager.

Well, I am presenting myself, Mr. Ghost, wherever you are.

Oh, I think he's coming for you.

Well, not quite.

We've got to get him there.

Okay, wherever you are, Mr. Ghost, I'm ready.

Uh-oh.

Maya.

I think I feel him. The breeze is back. It's so spooky.

Are you in mom?

He sure is.

Does it feel good?

Not good.

I'm so happy to help spirits.

Doesn't it feel good?

Yeah.

I'm really glad we figured this out.

I know, me too.

I just want the energy for our new home to be as good as it possibly can.

I totally understand.

It's a new start for us.

Oh, yeah.

I keep getting a little aggressive.

Okay, get it out, Mr. Ghost.

What do you need?

An anger ghost?

It doesn't feel angry.

Maybe he's just a...

Maybe he's really horny.

That's what it feels like.

It feels like the time I fucked your boyfriend.

You know, we've got to get him a little bit of the, you know, worldly, mature pussy, and

then the brand new model.

Mom, I'm so glad you told me how to fuck.

You know, I knew it would come in handy in times like this.

Well, I would not even know what I would be doing right now if you hadn't.

You'd be hella haunted and shit.

Mr. Ghost, do you want a different position?

No.

Maybe he just wants to see you again and try you again.

Maybe he wants to go back and forth.

Probably.

Oh my gosh, a little bit of both.

Oh, yep.

There he is.

Right.

Nice.

Okay.

Mr. Ghost, do you think two pussies are better than one?

Predictable.

I mean, I think it's you.

Even a ghost.

Is this the best sex you've ever had, Mr. Ghost?

Well, it's the only sex he's ever had.

I wonder what else we should ask him.

I don't know.

Have you ever had your dicks sucked before us?

Okay, um, did they do a good job?

Hold on, I think he's trying to spell something.

C. R. A. C. Oh, no.

Braces.

They have braces?

Oh, of course.

Oh, wait. Oh my god, I feel the breeze again.

Yeah.

He must be wanting to do a little bit of a sampling.

I think we're just both going to have to remain open to the spirit.

Just using our pussies?

Just using our pussies.

Our most sacred portal.

Okay.

Just, I love doing spiritual practice, you know?

I really think we're helping in a way that I've never done before.

Right?

This just feels...

Good.

Like, the universe.

Mm-hmm.

We're helping someone move on.

Yeah?

Yeah, to a better place.

I'm so happy for them.

Actually, I don't know if it would be a better place than inside of a grave, but like...

Oh my god.

But, you know.

You know.

Getting rid of our house.

Yeah.

I love helping little virgin boys, you know, that's what we learned with your boyfriend.

Uh oh, okay, I think it's your turn again.

Where's love?

I think so.

You think he's like it?

We should ask.

Are you still liking it, Mr. Ghost?

Yay!

I would be upset if you weren't.

Why are you doing such a good job?

Thanks, Mom.

See, we didn't even need the salt circle.

We just had to use direct communication.

Right.

I don't know why I was so scared earlier.

There's nothing to be scared of.

Just a little ghost dick.

Yeah.

I mean, it's not like it's never taken a dick before.

Right.

Right.

I actually kind of like it.

Yeah?

Maybe he, hopefully he doesn't leave forever, you know?

Do you think he'll come back and visit us sometime?

We can call him.

Yeah.

We could.

We could call him.

We can never lose him.

Exactly.

We need to find a vault, we need to lock it, and never tell anyone.

This is our little secret.

Okay.

Yep, yep, just keep going.

We have to give him everything until he's done, and I mean, who knows how long he's

just been a virgin ghost in this house waiting to fuck.

It could be years, decades.

He could be like a colonial virgin.

Do you think that he wants to get a different position maybe?

Oh, he says what he wants. I like it. Okay, let's see what we can get into. I like the missionary. Yeah. You can never have enough. Exactly. Okay, so I guess. Mr. Goats, we're going to try something different, okay?

Yeah, both of us should be ready for him whenever he wants.

I feel the breeze coming in again, Maya, do you?

Yeah, oh, yep, there it is.

There it is.

Yes.

You're doing so good taking that ghost dick, Maya.

Thanks.

I'm so proud of you.

We're gonna get the good energy in our house just like that, okay?

I'm so glad that you're here to do this with me.

I would never let you fuck a ghost alone.

You're such a good mom.

I try.

Yeah, I think I definitely feel it now.

I wonder if he's getting any closer to coming.

I don't know.

I would hope so.

I mean,

I'd like to think that my physique is good.

Right.

I didn't raise a daughter

with a non-excellent physique.

I know that.

It's the most excellent.

I know it's going to help this ghost channel whatever he needs to.

We're going to get it done.

Yeah.

Good job, Mariah.

Oh my god, you're doing so good.

Yes.

Okay, so I'm going to ask him if he thinks it's my time to try missionary with him.

Mr. Ghost, do you want to try missionary with me?

I don't even know why I bother asking anymore.

Of course he would. I mean, who could say no to your pissy mom?

I don't know, dear.

Mr. Ghost, I'm ready for you.

Oh, there's that breeze again.

Yeah.

Oh, here it comes. Oh, there you go.

Oh my gosh. I feel so, just like, connected right now.

Yeah.

We really are, like, connecting to different energies in the universe.

Should we start, like, a seance fucking service?

Should we help people get ghosts out of their house all the time?

Should we fuck all of the ghosts?

Do you think that would work?

Or does this ghost just want us for himself?

I think that might be.

Yeah.

I would want us all to myself.

Right, right. What was I thinking?

Sorry Mr. Ghost, we're all yours.

Honestly, I'm really loving this breeze.

Yeah?

You know, I'd like to call him back in the, you know, just to kind of try it out every once in a while.

Yeah, what if it's like really hot in the summer and then we need the bracelets?

Exactly! Oh my god, it's gonna be our summer ghost fling.

This is such a great bonding experience.

I'm so glad that we fucked someone together again.

I mean, I've always wanted to fuck a ghost.

We never got around to it in college when I was in the occult sorority.

But you know, better late than never.

I never even thought about it.

Never?

I mean, I've thought about it a lot.

Wow, he's really trying some new things.

Oh, wow.

Look over there.

I don't know what's over there.

I mean, I guess there's like some really hot people that died that I would consider fucking.

Okay, like who's dead that you would fuck?

Oh, um...

Wait, I don't know. Are we going to make the ghost jealous?

Maybe we shouldn't talk about it.

Just...

Oh, Maya.

Oh, wow.

Is it really going?

Yeah.

Oh, wow. I'm really flying now.

Oh my god, Maya. I think I can see it.

It's her and the whole ghost egg.

Oh my god, it's so much bigger than I thought it was going to be.

Oh my god.

Oh my gosh, I feel it all over my face.

I'm so happy you got to come.

Do you think he's happy?

I hope he passes over peacefully.

Me too.

Oh mom.

We did it.

Does it feel less cold in here now?

Totally, I think the breeze is gone.

We're such good people.

I know, and now we can enjoy our brand new home together.

Welcome home, Maya.