All language subtitles for Sweethearts.2024.WEBRip-HMAX-English

Can you tell by the way I fall down?

Can you tell by the way I'm calling out?

That I go through all this
So I can talk to you

And after all that
I could not see it through

I want to dance with you

I want to dance with you

I want to dance with you

I want to dance with you

Should've known by the way
I'm throwing down for you

Should've known by the way
I'm looking out

That I don't know myself

Banging over you

That I don't know myself
Hanging it over you

I want to dance with you

I want to dance with you

I want to dance with you

I want to dance with you

That I don't know myself
Banging over you

That I don't know myself
Hanging it over you

I want to dance with you

So, just stay

Just stay

It's so easy to fall down

Feet, don't fail me now

So, just stay

Just stay

I want to dance with you

I want to dance with you

That I don't know myself
Banging over you

That I don't know myself

Hanging it over you

I want to dance with you

Uh, I thought...

I thought slower would have been quieter.

But it was way worse.

You guys have a beautiful day.

Check-a, check, check

I catch wreck with the Tech Deck

I'm the best yet
Kill a set then I jet, jet

Bet, bet...

Fuck, yeah. Yeah!

Faster!

Yeah!

- Sorry.
- Baby, you like that?

Oh, yeah. I'm, uh, almost ready.

Oh, I'm so close. Oh!

Almost there. I'm so close.

- The dining hall's gonna close.
- I know!

Oh, yeah! Faster, harder.

Oh, yeah. Uh...

Just, I want you to come
for me right now.

- Where do you want me to come?
- My shoe! My shoe!

Wait, your shoe?

Okay, I'm coming in your shoe!

Fuck! Did you come, too?

As your friend, you did not
give that the attention it deserved.

It's 8:00 a.m. I'm sorry
I wasn't squirting my brains out

before Medieval Literature.

Simon's football schedule
leaves very few windows.

You're also
in a long distance relationship.

I demand empathy.

Yeah. Okay. Well, when I am
virtually intimate with Claire,

she is, A, alone, and, B...

actually masturbating.

Well, you think that,

but women are natural multitaskers.

I know what Claire is doing
because I can see her.

Because we're FaceTiming.

Yeah, the video format
was becoming an issue for me.

You're not a fan of Simon's camera work?

His dick takes up the whole frame.

But then, like, my face
is still in the little box in the corner.

I feel like I'm on local news

reporting live
from my boyfriend's veiny boner.

I think it's so inspiring

that you choose to remain
in a relationship with a man

whose penis absolutely disgusts you.

I think it's amazing

how you maintain such a healthy sex life
with your girlfriend

who's still in high school.

Uh...

Uh, hey, Luther.

You going home for Thanksgiving break?

Nah. My mom's a bitch.

- Oh, for sure, for sure.
- Mm-hmm.

So you guys going to that thing
at Tyler's later?

Tyler's, like your roommate, Tyler?

All the freshmen that are going
to that off-campus party,

gonna drink in his room.

Yeah. Uh, drinks in the room where I live.

Uh, yeah. I feel like
we'll probably hit that up.

People are gonna get fucked up, dude.

Fucked up.

Fucked up.

So we're huge losers, right?

We're not losers.

Ben, we weren't invited
to a party in your room.

Yeah, but now we are.

Doesn't it bother you
that we, like, never go out?

Sure, but you're the one that said

there's no point in us going out

because we can't hook up with anyone.

Well, that's true. I stand by that.

I mean, we knew it would be like this

when we decided
to stay with Simon and Claire.

But we made that call because...

we're... in love.

- I guess.
- Yeah.

Another incredible outfit
from our titan in tweed.

You have to stop posting his outfits.
He's gonna notice.

Everything I post is flattering.

He's a fashion icon,
and I am simply a fan.

Doesn't she know you have class?

Yeah, just... Just go.
Will you take notes for me, please?

Hey, babe.

Babe, I'm freaking out.

What happened? Are you okay?

Mr. Gresh just asked me
to sing the national anthem

at the football game Wednesday night.

That sounds like a good thing, no?

I mean, that's in six days.
I have no time to prepare.

I haven't even learned the song yet.

The national anthem?

Plus, it's the night before Thanksgiving,

which means the entire town

and tons of alumni are gonna be there.

And some industry, maybe.

Okay. Well, I mean,
at least that means I'll be there, too.

You're right. I can't wait to see you.

I've been getting so horny
thinking about you coming back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, me, too.

And just thought
of you coming into my house...

Mm-hmm.

And fucking me
so hard against the wall.

Yeah, that sounds fun.
We should do that for sure.

I'm actually so annoyed Mr. Gresh
won't even consider another song.

- Mm-hmm. Totally.
- Like, the lyrics are so irrelevant.

Um, but, babe, I kind of have to go.

What the fuck is a rampart?

I mean, I just feel like The Star-Spangled
Banner has been done before.

- Seriously?
- People will be expecting it.

- Shit, Claire, I really have to go.
- Fine! Then text me!

Okay, I'll call you back. All right. Bye.

You missed the whole class, motherfucker.

Did he say anything about midterms?

I wasn't listening. Obviously.

Oh, God. I think I'm gonna
skip my psych discussion and take a nap.

Learning about King Arthur
makes me very tired.

Okay, Ben, what... what is happening here?

She's spiraling,
I'm stressed about midterms,

and my art professor keeps pressuring me

for an answer about the Copenhagen thing.

Wait. What?

The semester abroad.
They loved my portfolio. I got in.

Okay, but would you
even be considering fleeing to Europe

if it wasn't for Claire?

She's suffocating you.

Okay, okay, okay. Give me that.

- Give me that.
- Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

You don't need Copenhagen.
You need boundaries.

You can have this back later.

- And you're welcome.
- Okay.

- But real quick, I really just feel like...
- Just one afternoon, Ben.

Be free.

La, la, la, la

Yeah, lazy, fat

When I was growing up
I had a lot of dreams

My momma told me
"Son you could be anything"

Long as you spread your wings

I know one day you'll be great

Just wait
Soon you'll aim up at the sky

And I'll watch you float away

But now that I am older
I'll admit that I am over

All the stress and shit that comes

From holding life up on your shoulders

It's a chore
I'm sick of being bored

I'm sick of always stressin'
Over shit I could ignore

I guess it's just my own immaturity...

Hmm. Lucky number 49.

Yeah, that's the one he's gonna pick up.

Did he do a smiley face at the end?

No, he did that weird winky face

that's like you don't
really know exactly what he's saying.

Oh, hey, lady. This is my friend, Erin.

- She lives on the floor above us.
- Hi.

Er, this is my roommate, Jamie.

I've heard so much about you.

Kelly says you're so funny.

Really?

I feel like I haven't said a single
funny thing since I came to college,

but that's probably
'cause I'm wildly unhappy.

See? I told you.

Oh, my gosh, you're unreal.

Tyler?

Yo, roomie!

I was just wondering,

did you by any chance,
move all my shit into the hallway?

Yo, check this out.

I got us a fucking projector, fam.

- Boom.
- Oh!

How about that? Pretty sick, huh?

It's super sick.

The vibe in here tonight:
To infinity and I'm horny!

You know, like... You know that guy?

Oh, Jamie.

Are you doing a movie night
with Simon tonight?

Mm, she and her boyfriend
do these super cute long distance dates

where they watch the same thing
at the same time.

- That is so cute.
- I know.

Yeah, well, I mean, we're not
doing one tonight 'cause I'm going out.

You guys going to that off-campus party?

Yeah, we're... We're pre-gaming
with some Kappa girls,

if you want to come with us.

Are you rushing next semester?

I don't... I don't know.

I don't know about that.

Well, we both want to go Kappa

because they throw a dance marathon.

Oh, it's this big party
that they throw at the end of the year

to raise money for St. Jude.

You dance and all the girls
plan it together.

How fun would it be if we all joined?

Because then it'd be, like,
the three of us.

Oh, yeah.

Hmm.

Uh, by the way,

you can thank me later
because I am going on a booze run.

Oh, you're... you're taking my car keys?

Well, yeah.

It is clutch having a roommate with a car.

Unless you want to get the booze.

Wait. Do you have a fake, by the way?

I... I do. But I don't know
if it's the best.

Dude, let me see this fake.

Oh, my God! All right.
Come a little closer.

Smile.

Little bit more.

Little less.

Okay, I'll go out with you.

Uh, it's not bad, but it's not good.

Who's, uh, Nick D'Agostino?

Uh, he's this guy that was a couple years
older than me at my high school,

who sort of he died...

in a car accident.

Dude, why do you have this?

I found it in the gym locker
before I graduated.

That's really fucked up, Ben.

Campus security.

- Oh, my God...
- Take this. I got this.

I went to summer camp. Come on.

- Sir?
- Ben Okada.

- Who's that?
- I'm he.

Well, your parents contacted the school
to do a wellness check.

Your girlfriend said you were missing?

You have a girlfriend?

Oh, shit. Is it that blonde girl
that lives on the floor?

- No, no, no, no, no.
- Dude.

- No, no, no, no. That's my friend Jamie.
- Okay.

My girlfriend's still in high school.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
She's 18, though.

She just had to repeat first grade.

Ah. So you stayed
with your hometown girlfriend.

Yeah.

Every year, man.

You always gotta learn the hard way.

And this stuff out here... fire hazard.

I promise you I will
take care of this by dusk.

By dusk?

Or dawn. Whatever you need.

That's a check on Okada.

She called your fucking parents?

I... I knew I shouldn't have
let you take my phone.

Well, yeah, and you also shouldn't have

let your roommate borrow your car

and move your bed into the hallway.

Stand up for yourself.

Whenever I try and do that,

Claire says I'm being toxic, so...

Whoa!

Oof.

- Can you wash this for me?
- Yeah.

And, you know, I still don't
get your problem with Kelly.

At least I try with my roommate.

Well, she's apparently going around

telling people that I'm funny,

which who even knows
what she means by that.

She means you're funny.

And then she was trying
to brainwash me

into how amazing sororities are.

Maybe she's telling you about sororities

because she wants you to join.

Okay, so I join a sorority?
How would that even go?

Meet a bunch of girls
who become my best friends,

and eventually one of them
is my maid of honor

and our families
start vacationing together,

and her kids call me Aunt Jamie,

even though we're not related?

Why are you saying good things
like they're bad things?

It sounds like you want to join.

Because it's obviously some sort of trap,

and I'm sorry, but no!

What if I rush and they don't like me?

- What if I don't even get in?
- Okay.

I've, uh... I've tried
not to bring it up, but...

Do you think any of this is in your head

because of the whole home wrecker thing?

What? No.

That was so long ago.

I'm just saying,

maybe you're weird about Kelly

because Megan and the girls in our grade
were pretty brutal to you.

This has nothing, nothing to do with that.

Hey, we were young.
Whatever happened then...

What do you mean, "what happened"?

You know nothing happened.

Do I? You never talk about it.

Fine.

Fine.

But the important thing to know

is that Megan Mendelson
and I were best friends,

and I would never
do anything to hurt her or her family.

It was the summer before seventh grade,

and we did everything together.

Then came Megan's twelfth birthday,

the event of the season.

Everyone cool in our grade was there.

Wait. I wasn't there.

Yeah, I know.

So there I was, side by side with Megan,

hula-hooping,

and it was a joint effort
to get the attention

of the hottest boy in our grade,

Dante Saprito.

Dante's been hot forever.

And that's when it happened.

I got stung by a fucking bee.

As you know, I'm highly allergic.

I ran inside to find Megan's parents.

I panicked.

It was a medical emergency,
and I did what I had to do.

I took my shirt off in front of her dad.

No. Mm-mm.

Then from there, the situation
was taken completely out of context.

The unfortunate coincidence

that Megan's parents chose
that fucking weekend

to tell her they were getting a divorce

made people draw the absurd conclusion

that seeing my undeveloped naked torso

caused Mr. Mendelson
to end his 19-year marriage.

And from then on, I was home wrecker.

Megan turned every girl
in our grade against me,

despite the fact
that I was having a medical emergency

and her dad is a fucking doctor!

Technically, Mr. Mendelson
is actually a chiropractor.

- Sorry. Sorry.
- Dude.

Not helpful. Fuck Megan.

It's fine.

It taught me the valuable lesson in life

that most people are secretly terrible.

All right, but...

Mm, but... tonight

I will try to have fun.

- Ah! There she is.
- All right.

Let's go make some fucking memories.

Okay.

All right. We're dancing.

Where are we starting tonight?

I think it's in the shoulders.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.

Ooh. I think it's moving down to the hips.

- Yeah? Hips? Okay.
- Yeah.

Just the eyes! Eyes only.

Yo!

Let's fucking rock!

Oh, shit. Palmer's calling.

Hey!

- Hi, how are you?
- Bonjour.

Oh, both of you.

Why are you awake?

Looks like a gorgeous morning in Paris.

It is a gorgeous morning in Paris,

and I'm awake because
I have the opening shift at my job,

where I contribute to society,
as a worker.

Ugh, yes. Society needed you
to take a gap year

and work at Euro Disney, Palm.

I've told you a million times,

the bistro I work at
is outside the park's entrance.

As in, it's not Euro Disney.

It's a separate business entity.

Hey, Palm.

- We're drunk.
- Yeah, and we're going to a party.

Oh, my God, a party?

You guys are crazy.

Speaking of parties, I am planning to host

a petite soirée
the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.

- Oh, you're coming back?
- Yeah.

Didn't you say your parents
were doing Thanksgiving on,

like, a cruise or something?

Yes. Martha and David are boarding

Her Majesty
The Atlantic Princess as we speak.

But I declined.

I mean, ultimately,
why does someone move to France?

To return from France and prove
to everyone we went to high school with

that I am now better than them.

Also that I'm no longer
vaguely pretending to be straight.

- Oh! That's great, Palm.
- Let's go!

Yes!

Yeah. So for my grand coming out,

I will be hosting
a curated gathering of former classmates

before everyone blacks out
at Kurt's lake house.

- Brilliant!
- We love it. We love it. We'll be there.

- Yeah!
- Oh, shit.

My boss is mad.

Bonjour, Claude!

I gotta go.

Bonsoir, Palm.

Okay. You ready for this?

Let's see what we've been missing.

Whoo! Let's get fucked up!

Slap the bag!

- You gonna go over there?
- Yes.

Don't rush me.

- College starts tonight.
- College starts tonight.

Hey, don't leave this party without me.

Ben, dude!

Yo, let's get this guy some Forty Hands!

Ho-ho.
My roommate's not a bitch.

- He came out to the party.
- Oh, thank you.

- We gonna...
- Uh, when do we get them off?

Uh, when you fucking finish, bro.

Okay.

- You guys are all...
- No idea what's in there.

- Super cute, okay.
- Love that.

- Good.
- So yeah.

So I'm on the philanthropy board.

Um, Kelly told you about dance marathon?

Yes, I... I love being tired.

It's like basically my whole personality.

- Love you.
- That's hilarious.

Kelly was right. You're so funny.

- By the way, Dylan's here. Dylan's here.
- Oh, my God.

Kelly, this is the guy that
I wanted to set you up with.

- He's gonna be so obsessed with you.
- Wait, really? Okay.

So, you wanna meet any cute guys here?

I know... I know some guys.

Oh, no, I'm still
with my boyfriend back home.

I stayed with my high school boyfriend
at college as well.

Aw, really? Are you guys still together?

Oh, no.

He immediately cheated on me,
like, the first week of school,

so I registered him as a sex offender.

Mm-hmm.

I got my dick sucked on a ski lift.

That... that sounds freezing.

Dude, it was awesome.

- Hey.
- Oh!

- Okay.
- Ty...

- Hi.
- Hi. Hi.

I love your curls.

Oh, thank you. I like your curls.

Ooh.

Uh... I'm Ben.

I... have a girlfriend. She lives in Ohio.

I don't believe you.

I... I do. I really...

Tyler, Tyler!

Don't I have a girlfriend
who lives in Ohio?

No.

Phew!

Besides all, like, the legal fallout,

him cheating on me
was literally the best thing

that could have ever happened to me.

Because the day after,
I saw these Kappa girls,

and they were like, "Join!"
and I was like, "Yes!"

because before that,
I literally had zero friends.

Can you imagine?

- That would be hard.
- I am so happy.

Seriously, I don't even think
about Brandon anymore.

Legally, I cannot talk about him.

Oh.

Brandon isn't even his real name.

It's Jordan McFeery.

- Oh, I see.
- Hey, Hannah, you ready?

Oh, my God. Yes, girl!

- Bye, Annie.
- Yup. Ann... Nope. Okay.

These girls just come and let me down

I guess that's how I'll do it now

Pain!

She don't think I got the time

Now I'm wondering if she's mine

Pain!

I'd just hate for somebody to need me

I need you now

Can't you just love me or leave me?

I figured out...

Uh, so, look. I can't...

I, uh... I... I can't do anything.

I love my girlfriend.

Loyal guys are so insanely sexy.

Do we know if this window opens?

"Repeat sounds good."

What the hell?

Why is it locked?

Maybe my roommate?

Oh. Oh, I have my key.

Shit.

That's so hot.

You're so hot.

I love your goatee.

Sit on my face and you can ride it.

Oh, my God.

Luther.

So, how long have you been together?

Well, I say two years and nine months,

but she says two years and eight months

because, uh, she made out with Mike Berks

before we were actually official.

Okay, um...

Um...

Look, I'm so sorry,

and your dance moves are very appealing,

but I made a commitment to my girlfriend,

and I need to honor that.

She is really lucky.

Fuck, my clothes.

Shit.

Goddamn it, Luther.

On your back,

with your stupid penis out.

Fuck it.

Okay. Let's just roll you over.

Yeah. I don't wanna
touch you either, Luther,

but I can't let you
choke on your own barf.

Oops.

- Tyler. Tyler, Tyler.
- Yep.

- Can you grab my phone?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Whoa! Wrong phone.

Unless? Yeah, you wish.

All right. Let's see. Uh... Oh!

Okay. Some girl Claire
sent you a bunch of messages.

She does not sound happy.

Oh, fuck. Can you just take these off?

Uncle Ken is coming home
for Thanksgiving,

and he's staying in your room.

I think it's from your dad.

I'm gonna give that
a thumbs down. Sorry, Papi.

And, um... Ooh. Oh, my God.

"Help me. I'm upstairs, please. SOS."

Who's that from?

Jamie!

Jamie!

Aah. Jamie...

- Hi. Whoa. Hi.
- Don't be weird.

- You've seen me in a bikini before.
- Holy shit!

Luther's dead.

Yeah, I tried to help him,
and he peed on me.

- What?
- Just give me your shirt. God.

I thought he was gonna choke.

And then he peed.

It hit my chin
and I don't have my clothes.

Yeah. Wait. Where are your clothes?

I was trying to send Simon a nude,

and now they're trapped
in that other room getting fucked on.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Untape me.

Oh, fuck!

Oh, shit.

- Oh, my God.
- Ah, right there.

Oh, God!

Oh, fuck.

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit.

What the hell?

These virgin freaks snuck in
to watch me fuck.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Just let me explain.

Your finger went in my mouth, bro.

Dude, it was an accident.

Get the hell out!

You said you loved
your girlfriend in Ohio!

Nice nips, bro.

What a disaster.

It wasn't even like a walk of shame.

It was like a shameful walk.

I can't believe I got peed on
because I was trying to text my boyfriend.

I can't believe that girl
threw a drink on us

because I wouldn't cheat
on my girlfriend.

Are these relationships ruining our lives?

You know, I kept telling that girl tonight

how much I loved Claire.

And honestly, I don't know
if that's true anymore.

I mean, do I... do I love Simon?

I... I basically only text him
when I'm uncomfortable

or looking for a distraction.

Do you feel done?

I don't know.

How do you feel?

I feel fear.

I'm scared of Claire.

I'm scared of breaking up with her.

I'm scared of change.

I'm scared of things staying the same.

Okay, Bob Dylan. Pop off.

What if I go to Denmark for four months

and just pretend I don't have service?

Ben.

Not having my phone today

was the happiest I've been

all of college.

I think we need to do this.

I think we need to break up with them.

Yeah, I know.

It'll... it'll suck,
but we'll do it together.

Mm-hmm.

And then we'll have
the rest of college to have fun

- and try things and have sex.
- Mm-hmm.

Uh... with other people.

- Strangers. Different...
- Oh. Yeah, yeah.

- Different strangers that we meet.
- I get it.

- I get it. I get it. I get it.
- Then maybe have sex with them.

Aw.

Night, Luther.

Drink some water, bud.

Not too much water.

We need to do these breakups right,

because we're good people,

and that means face to face.

No texts, no phone calls.

In person, over Thanksgiving break.

Simon goes back to school on Friday

because he has a game that weekend.

Claire goes to her dad's on Friday

and Thursday's Thanksgiving.

So it's Wednesday.

Thanksgiving Eve.

The day love dies.

Okay.

So we find alone time with them,

early afternoon, before everyone goes out.

Mm. Here's your problem with that.

If left alone in a private place,

Claire and I will end up having sex.

Okay, so don't have sex with her.

Mm-mm. It's not that simple.

Like most people
with an undiagnosed personality disorder,

Claire is incredible at fucking.

What's that even mean?

I mean, don't we all, like,
have the same basic set of movies?

It goes in, it goes out.
I don't... I don't get it.

It's... it's Claire.
I can't explain it to you.

Okay, so,
when we get home on Wednesday,

I'll go to Simon's house
and you ask Claire to go on a public walk.

Right.

And we need to practice
what we're gonna say beforehand.

These days, there's a lot of fallout
from a breakup gone badly.

They know things about us.

"They know things"?
What do they know that could hurt us?

Are you kidding?

There's no way
Claire doesn't have a full dossier on you.

I really don't think...

- Oh. Actually...
- Mm.

Mm-hmm. See? I knew it. What?

Well, you remember how Claire
played Sandy in the fall musical?

Yes, but now I'm nervous.

She may or may not have
had us do some long distance...

Grease roleplay

that culminated in me sending
a pretty explicit video.

Ben, a video of what?

Technically, one could say
I was masturbating

in character as Danny Zuko.

Absolutely unacceptable.

Yeah, we cannot do these breakups
over text.

Okay. So our midterm gets out at 11:00.

We'll sprint to the car.

That gets us back to Ohio by 5:00,

which gives us two hours
before the football game

to thoughtfully, respectfully, lovingly,

end our first relationships.

You're right. It's the perfect plan.

Danny Zuko.

Oh, my God, that was fucking hard.

He's the worst
fictional character of all time.

Fictional? Jamie,
King Arthur was a real dude.

What? Wow. I did not do well at all.

All right. It's 11:08.

This is good. We're making good time.

Uh, where's your car?

This is where I parked.

Could you be remembering wrong or...

Uh, one sec.

- Benny!
- Hey, Tyler.

Yeah.

Uh, hey, I was just wondering

if maybe you borrowed my car again

and parked it
somewhere other than structure B.

Oh, yeah, bro.
I thought I told you.

I took it this morning.
I'm actually going back...

- What's he saying?
- to see the fam for Turkey Day.

- Gobble gobble, baby.
- You have it now?

- He has it now?
- To visit your family?

Just passing through Denver.

You're already in Colorado?

Oh, yeah, dude.
Smoking a lot of weed.

- You should get chains for these tires.
- Colorado?

You're absolutely right.

- I should get chains for my tires.
- Hey, I'm always right.

Absolutely. Happy Thanksgiving, bud.

Gobble gobble, my boy.

- Okay. Bye.
- Are you fucking kidding me?

I need to set more boundaries. I'm aware.

You realize this ruins the plan?

We're gonna end up doing

Thanksgiving in the dining hall
with Luther, and be stuck

- in these relationships till we die.
- Okay. Okay.

Well, there's a bus that leaves
in 45 minutes that gets into Ohio at 9:00.

9:00? The foot...
The football game's gonna be over.

Everyone will be out by then.

Do you have a better idea?

Oh. Well, I guess we can't sit together.

No way.

We need to rehearse these breakups.

Watch and learn, Benjamin.

Excuse me. Oh. Hi.

Hey. Um, would you mind
moving to the seat over here

so the two of us can sit together?

You know, actually,
I'd rather stay where I am. Thank you.

Oh.

Well, um, excuse me.

- Hello again. Hi. Yes, um...
- Yeah?

Well, actually, my, um...

my fiance has motion-induced epilepsy,

and as his designated caretaker,

I need to sit next to him.

Pfft.

Sounds real tough.

Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

Why would you make that up?

It's called advocating for yourself.

Staring at the blank page

Before you open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words

That you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can live in Paris

'Cause Ohio's fucking lame

No one else

No one else can wear
This shirt with these pants

- Drench yourself in words unspoken
- With words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your fucking book begins

- The rest is still unwritten
- Still unwritten

Yeah

Hi. Okay. Tell me everything.
How did the breakup go?

How did Claire take it? Did she cry?

Well, we hit a bit of a snag.

We had to take the bus,
so we're actually gonna be late.

What? You guys are still
coming though, right?

You're technically
the only two who confirmed.

Yep, we're coming.
But we need your help.

We missed our window,
and now Simon and Claire

are both going to the football game.

Football game? Like, at our high school?

To what end?

Because people like football

and Claire is singing the national anthem.

Claire's singing the national anthem.

Wow.

I guess the talent pool
at Cranford High is really starved.

Uh, me leaving created
sort of a power vacuum

- that I guess most people expected...
- Pal... Palmer. Focus.

We're supposed to be
breaking up with them tonight.

Uh-huh. But after the game, everyone's
either going to Duffy's or Kurt's,

and there's gonna be no place
to have a serious conversation.

So, we told Simon and Claire
to meet us at your house.

Drama at the petite soirée?

We need you to go to the game,

make sure they leave with you.

Yeah. Otherwise, Simon's dumb friends
are gonna drag him to the party.

And we'll meet you
at your house as soon as we get in.

Okay, just to be clear,

you're asking me,

who a mere 24 hours ago
was strolling the Champs-Elysees,

talking to French people,
"Oui, oui, monsieur,"

and, in many ways, was French myself,

to attend a football game
at Cranford High,

my former emotional prison?

I'm sorry, but yes.

Yes, we are.

Okay, fine. But only because
I'm extremely excited

to see Claire flop
in front of the entire town.

I mean,
the national anthem. Whew!

You know she stepped on

literally every single one
of my lines in Pippin last year.

You guys, I was Pippin.

Who was Claire? Not Pippin.

Yes, we have heard.

Thank you, Palmer. Thank you.

Now I need to reimagine
my look for a football game.

I have to go. Bye.

- Okay.
- All right.

Simon. Hey.

Palmer. What's up, dude?

Hey, good to see you.

- Good to see you.
- Oh.

How's France?

Oh, I've been meaning
to ask you, actually.

I go to Harvard
with this French guy named Jean-Luc.

He's fucking hilarious.
Any chance you've met him?

Um, sorry. Do you know where he lives?

France.

That's where you live, right?

You know what, Simon?

I'm so glad that Harvard
hasn't changed you.

Thanks, man.

So, Jamie told you about the thing
with Ben and Claire after this?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Mr. Ivy League.

- What's up, Coach?
- How's Cambridge treating you?

You know, not too bad.

Just hoping if I play well this year,

I can get another look from Ohio State.
Maybe transfer.

- My God.
- I recognize you.

Weren't you on my ninth grade
practice squad

claiming to be allergic to grass?

Palmer. Hi.

Yes, I quit after the first day.

So good to see you.

All right. I'll see you boys later.
Happy Thanksgiving.

All right, Coach. Good luck out there.

Happy Thanksgiving.

- Bye, Palmer.
- All right.

Let's go, team.

The planet is on fire.

The permafrost is almost gone.

We have ten years left
of life as we know it.

Unless we take decisive action now,

which I think we both know...

Okay. Can I... uh, can I stop you?

Sure. Yeah. You have a note?

Yeah. I have a note.

Um, why are you beginning
your breakup speech

like you're a climate activist?

I'm just trying to contextualize it.

You're breaking up with Claire

so you can fuck randos in college.

I don't think bringing up the permafrost
is gonna make her feel better.

Yeah, you're right.

She's gonna kill... She's gonna kill me.

- She's gonna kill me.
- Don't panic.

This is why we're workshopping.

Here, let me do mine.

Simon...

you know how much I wanted this to work.

It's neither of our faults.

And we both tried our best.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry. Can I help you?

I couldn't help but overhear.

Sounds like you two are breaking up?

We're not breaking up with each other.

We're breaking up with other people.

Jamie, stand down.

Interesting, 'cause I thought
you were engaged.

It's called having an affair.

Having an affair? What are you, 16?

No, we're in college, dumb-ass.

I know you're in college.

I'm sitting two fucking feet from you.

What do you think,
these are soundproof seats?

It's a Greyhound bus.

I got to sit here with this lady, who,

no offense,

but you are kind of cutting
onto my fucking leg room over here.

And I gotta listen to you
drone on about your breakups.

"Oh, baby, I really want you in my life,

but not as bad as I want to get
fingered at a frat party."

And now, you pick
the most clichéd weekend

in the history of breaking up with people

to drop the bomb on this loser?

Also, I know you don't have epilepsy.

I'm sorry that we took your seat, sir.

Suck my dick, dude.

Hmm.

O say, can you see

By the dawn's early light

What so proudly we hail'd

At the twilight

I said
The twilight's last gleaming?

Claire.

Oh, my God.

- You sounded amazing.
- Palmer.

- Are you kidding?
- Stop!

I was so rusty.

I've been on crazy vocal rest
since Grease.

- Grease. Right.
- Yeah.

I was so happy they picked something
in your vocal range this year.

Simon, over here.

- One sec, guys. Yeah.
- All right.

So I was thinking
we could all ride together

back to my place
to meet up with Ben and Jamie.

Have you heard from Ben? My phone's dead.

He says they're almost at the bus station.

Yo, are you guys
going to Duffy's before Kurt's?

- Yeah. For sure.
- Yeah.

Oh. You guys are doing
a sidebar.

Locking me out of the conversation.
Let me in, let me in.

Should we just meet them at Palmer's
and go out from there?

Yeah, I mean, that makes sense, right?
My phone's dead. So...

Just gonna fight my way back
into the conversation here.

Hi. Uh, it's gonna be really fun.

There's gonna be appetizers,

world-class cocktails,
spirited debate, me.

You know. So...

- There are my weary travelers.
- Hi, Mom.

Rhonda, this is my son
and his best friend, Jamie.

- Hi.
- Hi, Rhonda.

Rhonda's brother was on your bus.

He just had surgery on his brain.

- Shit.
- You guys, come here.

- Give me a hug. Oh!
- Hi, Diane.

I am so ticked off
the car pooped out on you.

I'm sending you back to school
with a Triple-A card. Period.

Right? Right, Norman? Yes.

- Hi, Mr. Okada.
- Hi, Dad.

- How are you?
- It's good to see you.

- How's it going?
- Good, good.

- Let me get that.
- Oh, thank you.

Look at you!

I can't even believe it.

Oh, Benny. Did you get the passport?

I FedExed it, and I was worried

that it was gonna, like, get stolen.

Have you heard about these porch pirates?

- No, this is real.
- I know. I got it. I got it.

But I haven't had the chance to tell Jamie

that I'm definitely going yet.

I'm a little worried that she's gonna feel
like I'm abandoning her.

So if you could
just not mention Copenhagen.

- Okay. Okay. It's a secret.
- Yeah.

Safe with me. Let's go.

Oh! I am so excited.

- Yeah.
- You guys ready?

Yeah.

All right.

Oh. Diane, are you sure
you don't want to...

You don't want to sit up front?

Are you kidding?
I haven't seen you guys in months.

I'm in the back with you.

Mama in the middle.

Diane sandwich.

Hello.

Some hors d'oeuvres for mes amis,

which means "my friends" in French.

Just get this open.

When you go to a really nice restaurant,
they do it for you.

Jeepies.

Whoo!

So, Champagne is actually
a region in France,

and if the grapes
aren't actually picked there,

it's not really champagne.

Dope.

Something that you learn
when you live in France.

So, can we, like,

drink it now?

First, a little bit of the green stuff.

The green stuff's
just absinthe.

This drink is called
Death in the Afternoon.

It was supposedly
Hemingway's favorite drink.

And he was an alcoholic.

So he knew how to drink.

He, um, he drank quite a bit.

Probably a pretty tough guy to be around.

'Cause of the alcoholism.

And then, ultimately, he killed himself.

Here we go. That's for you.

So, to...

Okay.

Don't have to cheers.

Well, I'm gonna just run upstairs

and do a quick costume change

before the rest of my guests arrive.

Cool, man.

And my house is your house.

All right.

- This actually isn't bad. Here you go.
- Yeah.

Okay. So tell me everything.

How's class? How are the dorms?
How is the famous Tyler?

Oh, yeah. How's the famous Tyler?

He's good. Everything is good.

Oh! I am just so glad
to have you guys back.

This is so much fun.

It's like we're in an Uber.

Oh. Five stars, Norman.

Thank you.

Oh, that reminds me.
We were in an Uber the other day.

The driver was so interesting.

He is in the middle of writing a novel

about a guy who lives in a lighthouse,

but he's really a centaur,

so he can't get down the stairs.

But that doesn't make sense.

How'd he get up there in the first place?

Oh. Uh, sorry. Uh, Mr. Okada.
Do you mind turning up here?

We're actually going to Palmer's.

What? You're not gonna
come back and have something to eat first?

I made meaty macaroni.

That is so nice of you, Diane,

but we told Palmer we'd go straight there.

It's, um, it's kind of
an important night for him.

- What?
- What's so important?

Um, well, Dad, uh,

Palmer has decided
that he's ready to share some information

about his personal life
and his identity, and...

Oh. That he's a gay guy.

Uh...

Yes. Technically, yes.

Well, that's not exactly news.

When you were kids,

he went as Princess Di
six Halloweens in a row.

I loved it when he would wear
the oversized sweatshirts

with the little... little bike shorts.

Well, for the record,

a boy dressing as a princess
doesn't make him gay.

Ben, we know that, okay?
Those are "gender norms."

We are very familiar
with those.

But he is gay?

Isn't he gay?

The point is that
we're going to support him,

and we can talk about gender norms
tomorrow at Thanksgiving dinner

with Baba and Uncle Ken. It should be...

very productive.

Princess Di, she was having an affair
with a bodyguard.

Well, Prince Charles was a real jerk.

He treated her horribly.

Not enough.

And I don't have
the privilege of minimalism.

That is for thin people.

That's it. Okay.

I'm gay.

I'm here. I'm queer.

And I've got new clothes.

Hey, Sydney, remember
when you called me gay in sixth grade?

Well, you were right.

But you were also a huge bitch.

I'm a homosexual.

Does anyone have a problem with that?

Wait, wait. Wait for this part.

...were so gallantly...

No, I know. It was so good.

I was there for it.

And the rocket's red glare

Love me. No.

Fear me. No.

Hold me. No.

I may need to eat something.

That French gin is low-key strong.

Don't panic.
This is what we're going to do.

Let's leave this place and find...

food.

Yes. Okay.

Who are you? Are you boot gay?

Are you shoe gay?

Ayy, uh

Bitch, I'm 21
But I still walk around

- With fake ID
- What?

Cuddle with the homies

- Watching Stand By Me
- Cute

This dick ain't free

- Baby, pay my fee
- Bread

Let me live my life...

We're trapped!

I'm going over.

C'est la vie

Woo-woo, c'est la vie...

Need a fine VP like Biden...

Guys?

Everything okay down there?

- Okay. I got you. Come.
- Okay. Okay.

Guys?

Ew.

The whole bottle?

Fuck me.

Simon!

Claire!

Fucking drunk teens.

Fucking suburbs. No urban planning.

Fucking built for cars.

Can't even... What?

God.

Let me live my life
Baby, c'est la vie...

C'est la vie

Woo-woo, c'est la vie

- Get out of the road!
- Ugh, rude!

My phone!

I got it. I got it.

I have a green light!
Get out of the road!

Holy fuck. The ground is a ladder.

Look, I'm climbing a ground ladder.

You ready for this?

"The sweetness of love is short-lived,

but the pain endures."

What the fuck is that?

- What?
- Huh?

It's King... It's King Arthur.

It's the whole essay section on our test.

Oh, God. I really gotta drop that class.

You can't just honk at me.

- Get out of the road.
- Fuck me.

Don't run them over.
They still need to be broken up with.

I'm finishing a text.

- Be patient!
- Yo!

Claire! Simon!

Get out of the street!

Uh, sorry, everybody.

They're with me.

Sorry, sir.

- Your horn cracked my phone.
- Oh, my God. Coach Reese.

I'm sorry to you. Um...

We were just grabbing a bite to eat,

and I actually can take it from here.

- So...
- I'm a pedestrian.

Just for fun, how about I help?

Palmer?

And the door was unlocked.
Simon's phone is dead.

Palmer's not answering.

- What the fuck happened?
- Ooh.

Claire just texted.
Apparently, they went to Duffy's?

Are you serious? Let me see.

Huh. Is she always this short with you?

Well, she must be pissed.

What, you think Palmer said something?

No. No. He wouldn't have, right?

I don't...

Whatever. Let's just get over there.

Perfect.

Franklin will be here in 77 minutes.

Thank God we live in a town
with exactly one Uber driver.

Mm.

Jamie, communication! Where are you going?

One, two, three, four

No. We should turn back there.

- It's faster to take Oak.
- Jamie, stop trying to steer.

Turn around.

- Accept your lack of control.
- Ugh!

Bo Diddley buy babe a diamond ring

If that diamond ring don't shine...

Thanks again for all your help.

Some people really can't
handle their absinthe.

Once we get this food in them,
they'll sleep it right off.

Grilled cheeses and fries to go.

Oh. Thanks, Lukas.

Lukas, this is Palmer.
Palmer, this is Lukas.

Hey, Palmer.

Hi, Lukas.

You coming out after your shift?

Mm. I wish. Everyone took off tonight.

So, I get to close.

Don't have too much fun without me.

Hmm.

So, what side of Main Street are you on?

You know, they closed the north side
because of the turkey trot...

Mojo come to my house
A black cat bone

Take my baby away from home

Mother ask Mojo, "Where you been"?

Palmer.

What's your address?

Uh, 242 Duncan. Sorry.

242 Duncan. Let's roll, man. Come on.

I'm feelin' pretty blue, man

I'm feeling pretty beat up

New chick I've been talkin' to

Don't wanna meet up

Double D cups, I'm ready
To feel my N-U-T's bust

But she's sus

Do you think Palmer's parents' bike
is gonna be okay?

Yeah, I'm sure it's fine.

We have bigger problems right now.

We're about to run
into everyone we've ever fucking met.

Yeah, I... I keep making eye contact
with Samantha Kosar, I...

I think she still likes me. I feel bad.

You guys went to one dance,

and that was before
she had her growth spurt.

She's, like, eight inches
taller than you now.

Ben, don't let yourself get sidetracked.

You got the ID
you ordered online, right?

No. No, they emailed me

saying it was going to take
another three to eight months.

Then how are you getting in?

Well, I... I have my other one.

Your other one? What?

Next.

Next!

All right, you're good.

Nick D'Agostino?

Uh-huh.

Born February 2nd,
live on Stanley Avenue?

Yep. Yes, sir.

And you died
in a tragic car accident

four years ago.

No, no.

I don't think so.

I was a pallbearer at your funeral.

Fucking devastated.

Out of all the shit I done seen
underage kids pull to try to get in here,

that's the most fucked up, unforgivable,

piece-of-shit move I've ever witnessed.

Both of you get the fuck outta here.

You know, we're just trying to...

If I ever see his face again,

I'm gonna make him swallow his own teeth.

- Okay.
- Lifetime ban.

Out!

As an adult, an educator,

I should be concerned
about the underage drinking.

But I'm concerned
that you don't seem to be doing it right.

I mean, was this fun for you?
Was this party ever fun?

It was part of a bigger vision.

It was supposed to be a petite soirée.

What's going on with you, man?

You've been strange
ever since we left the diner.

Are you gay?

Yeah...

But you live in rural Ohio.

Wha... why do you live here?

- Where else should I be living?
- I don't know.

LA. New York.

Certain parts of Chicago, even.

Somewhere you're not forced to live a lie.

My house in LA
would cost, like, four million dollars.

And I'm not living a lie.

What are you talking about?

You're like a fucking
Friday Night Lights character, dude.

It's crazy. The whole thing.

The whole town thinks you're straight.

Palmer.

I bring my boyfriend
to the faculty holiday party every year.

It's not some huge secret.

All the guys on the team, they know.

No, they... Um...

They do?

Okay.

I'm just, like,
a little in shock because, you know,

I just wish I would have known.

Growing up here,

I didn't realize that somebody like you

could even be

like me.

Come on.

What's happening?

You're coming with me.

I'm wearing two different shoes.

Don't worry.

Where we're going, you won't need shoes.

- Let's go.
- Oh, cool.

The most unsettling thing I've ever heard.

Bye, drunk people.

What the fuck, Ben?

You're gonna show up
to a bar in Cranford

with a dead kid's ID?

Our high school named
the fucking music building after him.

We were never supposed to end up here.

Drink up, dead guy.

Thanks to you,
we finally put in a red light

at that weird off-ramp.

- Cheers!
- Okay, stop. Stop.

I get it. The ID was a mistake.

If I fucked up the plan so bad,
why don't we just call it off?

Okay, slow down.

The plan is not off.

We just need to regroup.

We need to figure out a way into that bar.

- Oh, this bar?
- Mm-hmm.

The bar where the bouncer
who wants to be my dentist?

No. No, no, no.

I can break up with Claire this summer.

Or next summer, or...

Just where... Like an ongoing summer

- after that...
- Ben.

You know as well as I do
you need to end this.

And if you don't do it tonight,
you maybe never will.

- Come on.
- What? What is it? What's that?

What are you doing?
Where... where are you going?

Where are you...

Come on. You've got to be kidding.

You want to wait in the car?

Suit yourself.

Stop doing that.

Well, I heard the news

There's good rockin' tonight

I'm gonna hold my baby
As tight as I can

Tonight she'll know
I'm a mighty, mighty man

Heard it, baby

There's good rockin' tonight

Well, meet me in a hurry
Behind the barn

Don't be afraid
I'll do you no harm

Come on down, bring...

Welcome to the Cranford
Queer Bowling League.

Wednesdays at 9:00.

"Where we're going, you don't need shoes."

Probably a less scary way
to say we're going bowling.

Ethan, meet Palmer.

Nice to meet you.
What's going on down here?

I didn't... It's a long story.

Alec.

Hey.

Hey.

It's Jamie.

Jamie Warren.

We made out freshman year.

Steve Dugan's shed.

I hit my head on a beam.

Oh! Jamie!

Yeah.

- You got way prettier.
- Thanks.

Cool. Um...

Should we all go back inside?

Yeah.

Great.

"Way prettier"?

Get up, get up, get up
Now get down

Get up, get up, get up

Now get down

Get down, get down

How do we find them in here?

Okay, I'm gonna look over there,

you look over there,

and then we'll meet
back here in ten, okay? Got it?

Just remind... Jamie.

Could you just remind me
what I say when I see her?

Jamie, I'm scared of my girlfriend.

We got this!

I never said I was good at this.

So, Paris.

That's quite the big move from Ohio.

- Are you loving it?
- Yeah.

I mean, it's Paris, you know. My God.

Who wouldn't kill to live in France?

- So, yeah, obviously.
- Wow.

You are completely miserable, huh?

Go easy on him, Ethan.

He's just fulfilling his gay birthright

to live somewhere
far more expensive and fabulous than here.

Okay.

Because it's vastly superior
to stay in a town

where the hardest place to get
a reservation is the Spaghetti Outlet.

No, I mean, I get it.
I had my New York years.

Oh!

You did?

Yeah. I moved there when I was 17.

You know, I became a starving model,

I sort of hovered around the outskirts

of Leighton Meister's entourage.

I had a very chic coke problem.

I did it all.

Ethan, that sounds awesome.

Uh, why would you come back here?

Well, my mom got sick.

And I ran out of money,

and I sort of realized that I was
spiritually empty and completely lost.

And then, I don't know, being back here,

it made me realize I wanted to do

something semi-meaningful with my life.

So, long story short,

I did EMT training
and became a firefighter.

You stayed in middle of nowhere Ohio
to be a firefighter?

Don't they have those in New York?

Well, he stayed
because he's obsessed with me.

Okay. We matched on an app while I was
taking care of my mom, that's all.

Oh, that's all?

- Yeah.
- That's all?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Okay. All right. I'm obsessed with him.

I'm obsessed with him.

Okay, if I'm being honest,
Paris is a little lonely.

And working at Euro Disney
is a unique form of hell.

Oh, my God. Euro Disney?

This is so much worse than I thought.

Listen, I'm going to tell you this

because somebody needed to tell it to me,

and in my case,
it was Leighton Meister's dogwalker,

but being a big city socialite

is not the only appropriate way to be gay.

Yeah,
I mean, Susan over there?

She's a veterinarian.

Her wife, Tess, has an Etsy store
of candles that smell like the beach.

She has an Etsy store of candles
that try to smell like the beach.

You can even be
a high school football coach.

Listen, the bottom line is,

you get to decide
how you want to be happy.

Yeah. And the Spaghetti Outlet
is disgusting.

- Thank you.
- But you know what?

We have a Thai place now.

Your move.

Oh, my God.

Don't make fun.

Reaching for something in the distance

So close You can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions...

No one else can feel it for you

Claire?

Simon?

Claire?

- Ooh.
- Ben Okada?

- Oh, fuck me.
- Take a picture with me.

Samantha, hi. How's Notre Dame?

Remember when we fucking
grinded at homecoming?

Mm.

I could feel your little boner
pressing into my back.

Yeah! That was nice, I think.

Okay, ready? First one: silly.

Next one: serious.

- Now, kiss.
- No, don't...

The one that got away.

Onset, make you work up sweat, make ya

Onset, make you work up sweat, make ya

Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce

Onset, make you work up sweat, and a'

Onset, make you work up sweat, make ya

Onset, make you work up sweat, make ya

Work, work, work, work

Claire?

Oh, shit.

Home wrecker?

Megan Mendelson.

Samantha, I really need that picture.

This is the guy from the photobooth.

He's in love with me.

Is it in your purse? I need it. I need it.

This guy's, like, literally
robbing her right now.

I just need that picture back.

That's it. We're getting the bouncer.

Get down, off the table.

This guy, he tried to take her purse.

Fuck!

Over there.
He tried to rob us!

So, we dropping you any place fun?

Yeah, the youths getting
cross-faded in the woods,

or whatever you guys do now?

Uh, I think just home.

The, uh, plan for the evening's
been a bit derailed.

- What... what's the plan?
- I was going to, like,

officially come out
to the Cranford social scene tonight.

Oh.

You haven't done that yet.

Well, my two best friends know,

and with my parents,
I would say it's been...

heavily implied, sort of repeatedly.

But, yeah, other than that,

I haven't really gotten the opportunity

to shout it from the rooftops.

Well, you know,

we might actually be able
to do a little bit better than a rooftop.

What do you mean?

We can?

Yeah. Let's go. Come on.

See, you guys are a match made in heaven

'cause it's the riddles
and the "follow me."

Let's go, Coach.

Okay. It is so crazy
I'm running into you right now.

Were you just doing coke?

Oh, my God. No. Never.

It's crushed up Adderall.
I have prescription.

Look, I was planning
on reaching out to you over break,

'cause, to be honest, I had, like,

a really tough first semester at school.

I slapped my RA, as a joke,

then she, like,
totally misrepresented the whole thing.

Anyway, I got
the school-mandated therapist.

And basically just,

I feel like...

what's the word? Bad.

About how horrible I was to you.

- Me? I don't... really remember...
- No! Yeah, you do.

- What you're talking...
- Remember when we used to be best friends?

And then I told
the entire school that you flashed my dad

and that's the reason
my parents got a divorce?

And then everyone hated you for years
and called you a home wrecker?

Oh, right. That.

Yeah, basically,
it turns out, I just, like,

could not handle the fact
that my parents were splitting up,

so I looked for someone to blame it on.

And I'm like, so sorry

because, to be honest,

you were, like, a really good friend.

You're the only one I told
that I fed my dog a battery.

Can you forgive me?

I'm a victim of a robbery.

This is a dangerous bar.

Okay. What did he look like?

This is him.

Nick D'Agostino.

Oh, actually,
that guy's name is Ben Okada.

You can get devoured

It's a difference from a hero and a coward

Who are you?

You! I see you.

And when they dropping off...

How you doing, bud?

Is that high enough for you?

Yeah, this is high enough.

Probably good here.

All right.

Tell Cranford what you've been
waiting to say.

This is your moment.
Tell the world who you are.

Okay.

Just gonna...

do it.

I'm gay!

I'm gay and I'm afraid of heights!

Oh.

Oh. I should've saw that coming.

Yeah... Uh, Pal... Palmer?

I think France is overrated.

And we're still going.

I regret deferring college.

I think the guy who works
at the diner is super hot.

I tried moules-frites
and I didn't like it.

It's not very good.

I mean, we're in college.

It's so stupid to rehash something

that happened in middle school.

No!

My therapist says that trauma
inflicted around that age

follows you into adulthood,

and it can really, really,
really, really mess you up

if you don't take
the time to unpack it and look inward.

Okay, fine!

The home wrecker stuff fucked me up, okay?

And I have not had a single
close girlfriend since that happened.

I am a traumatized, damaged,

fully packed person.

Happy?

I will be happy

if you can give yourself
permission to forgive and open up again.

- Jamie, are you in there?
- Bring it in, girl.

The bouncer knows we're here.

- Oh, my God.
- Ow!

Oh, fuck. Megan Mendelson.

Is it bad?

- Ow.
- Megan, I am so sorry.

Oh, God, get some ice for that,
and, um, good talk.

- We'll talk more.
- Okay.

Have a good night, girl.
I'm glad we did this.

Love you lots. Love you like a sister.

Did I break Megan's nose?

- Are you guys friends?
- Unclear.

Wait, we can't leave yet.
We haven't found them.

Yeah, the door's locked. What do we do?

And I think that I should be
verified on social media

because my following is small,

but I'm doing really good stuff on there.

He's listing minor grievances now.

It's starting to feel a little petty.

I have a weird point of view.

I gotta go.

We're bringing you down, Palmer.

Okay. Wait. Is there a fire?

Can I come to the fire?

Where the fuck are Simon and Claire?

Well, they gotta be outside somewhere.

Hey!

Oh, shit! Go! Go, go, go!

Nick D'Agostino. You're fucking dead!

Out of context, that sounds really bad.

Lifetime ban! You hear me?

- You better run!
- What the hell!

I wonder how he knew Nick D'Agostino.

Must have been family friends
or something.

Ben, we were right there.

I mean, the one time

you choose to stand up for yourself

is to mug a woman in a bar?

I had to. She had a photo of us kissing.

If Claire saw that,
she would have hated me forever.

God, some things are more important
than being the nice guy.

And maybe if you understood that,

you wouldn't let people
walk all over you and fuck up your life.

You know who's fucking up my life?

You're fucking up my life.

I am so tired of you yelling at me.

Maybe I care too much if people like me.

But you don't care at all.

You start fights
with strangers on the bus.

You're mean to your roommate,

who, on all accounts,
is an extremely sweet person.

And fine, I'm a pushover, Jamie.

But at least I'm not lying to myself

and acting like I hate everyone,
when clearly,

I'm just desperate to be accepted by them.

Palmer.

Palmer.

- Palmer!
- Caw-caw!

Ah! My friends are here.

Uh, hi.

Where have you guys been?

Where have we been? Are you kidding me?

Why were you on a fire truck

with the coach
of our high school football team?

Yeah. And where are Simon and Claire?

Okay, Twenty Questions...

but "You're Mad at Me" version.

It's a really funny story, actually.

For starters,
Cranford has a queer bowling league.

I went gay bowling!

What?

It's like regular bowling,
but the people are gay.

Anyway, Sam and Claire,

ugh, they chugged
an entire bottle of absinthe like animals.

And then they fled.

And so they were briefly loose
in the town.

But I captured them, mostly on my own,

and now they're passed out
back safely at my home.

No, they're not.
We were just there. They're not there.

What?

No.

She's literally calling.

Hey, Claire. Hey, is everything okay?
Are you at Palmer's?

No, Palmer's literally psycho.

He gave us this drink
and we got so fucked up.

Hello, hello?

And then we slept it off
and sobered up and I don't know.

We got a ride to Kurt's and we're here.
Are you guys not here yet?

They're at Kurt's.

They're at Kurt's!

Uh, yeah. No, no, no.
Stay there. We're gonna come.

Palmer, I'm gonna fucking kill you.

Relax. Mystery solved.
We'll all go to Kurt's.

Well, how are we getting there?
Via fire truck?

Because, uh, we kinda came here

on your parents' tandem bicycle.

Yeah, and Franklin,
Cranford's one fucking Uber driver,

is somewhere in Pennsylvania.

Oh, my God, Jamie?
Do you guys need a ride to Kurt's?

I told my dad we made up.

Hi, Mr. Mendelson.

Hello... again.

Party Express!

Oh, my God, Dad. It was, like, so crazy.

There were 20 fire trucks there.

It was like smoke coming out of every...

I mean, I did not know
if we were gonna make it out alive.

And literally, when I ran
into one of the firemen,

he was like, "Are you okay?"

Like, threw a blanket over me.

He was like, "You honestly
could have died back there."

And I was like, "Yeah,
I really, really felt that."

It was the scariest thing
I have ever seen.

And you know, one time
we saw that guy on the street.

Oh, my God. It was so insane.

So, everybody enjoying freshman year?

- Not going well.
- I'm actually in Paris.

Majoring in art.

God, Ben!

I cannot get over
how grown up you all look!

Jamie, when was the last time I saw you?

- Dad.
- So, Mr. Mendelson.

How's the chiropractic field these days?

Any big advancements?

I actually, I just got back
from a conference in Scottsdale.

Yeah, we were studying some...

No way. Meg,
how about some music, sweetie?

Oh, my God. I fucking love music.

I'm, I'm ready to go I'm ready

Okay, I fixed my nose in the car.

Does it look blended?

Yeah. You're good.

And us?

- We're good.
- Yes!

Oh, my God. I was hoping you'd say that.

Okay. I have to go fuck Kurt. Bye!

- Kurt!
- Okay!

That was a lot.

Before we go in here,
I just want to clear the air between us.

I'm really sorry that I got sidetracked

and didn't call to explain
what was happening.

The night kind of got away from me.

And two entire human beings, yeah.

Well, it's okay, Palm.

We're happy you had a good night.

I really did.

And it made me realize I want
to start Brown in January.

I don't want to go back to Paris.
Fuck Europe.

Well, not fuck Europe.

I mean, obviously, it would've been so fun

to be a train ride away
from Ben in Copenhagen.

You're gonna go?

Everyone knows except me?

Seriously?

I had to turn in my deposit before break.

I was gonna tell you
after this weekend, but...

Why don't I... Why don't I run inside
and get us some drinks?

Yeah. One step ahead of ya.

Wait, wait, wait. Jamie, Jamie.

Can we please talk about this?

No.

You should go to Copenhagen

and have a great time making friends

who aren't as desperate as me.

So, have fun.

Come on... This is not my fault.

Ben.

I'm telling you, the people at Harvard
fucking suck at beer pong.

They are really nice, though.

I'm liking my time there, for sure.

Hey, there she is!

- Hi, babe!
- Come here.

I'm know. This night.

Yeah, I'm so sorry.

- My phone died at the game.
- It's okay.

We went to Palmer's,
but it was kind of weird.

And then I got lost with Claire.

It doesn't matter.
I fucking I missed your face.

Hi. Oh.

- Oh...
- God, I missed you.

All right, boys, she's here. Rack 'em.

Oh, actually, um, I was...

I was hoping we could go talk somewhere?

Come on. I need my partner.

One game. Just one. One game.

Okay. All right. One game. Yeah.

I've been waiting all night
for you to be inside me.

Oh, me too!

Hi. Mm...

You taste weird.

Did you cheat on me?

Oh, what?

Um...

So, should we go somewhere?

My thoughts exactly.

I already found a bedroom
upstairs with a waterbed.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
Not a... not a bedroom.

I... I mean, like,

what about somewhere private,

but also public?

And outside?

Freaky.

Okay, college boy.

- I know just the spot.
- Okay.

Who's "Jet Aime"?

It's French. Je t'aime.

What does Je t'aime mean?

I love you.

What?

Go away.

- Get over here.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay.

Heh.

- No, no, no, no. Whoa, whoa!
- I, um... Claire.

Uh, before we do anything,
I just want to talk to you.

We can talk after.

- This first.
- No, no. Um, it's...

It's... it's about something... serious.

What is it?

The permafrost.

Yo, let's roast this fucker.

Yeah, baby, I'll be right there.

You know anything about cooking?

Uh... not really.

Wait, Kurt.

I'm gay.

I'm Kurt.

I know.

We've gone to school together
since kindergarten.

I'm gonna try to cook
this turkey on that bonfire.

Perfect.

Ugh! We lost.

I guess we should, uh,
go outside and talk now, huh?

Redemption shot. Come on.

Babe, babe.

- Come on! Overtime! Let's go!
- Babe!

- Come on! I thought we were gonna go talk.
- Yes!

No, yeah, we are. After this game.

All right. You go. You got this.

Whoops!

You used to be,
like, good at this.

Gotta keep your elbow tucked. Come on!

Oh, my God!

Ooh! Crazy!

What the hell?

We should probably go talk
while they fix that, huh?

Okay.

More like table wrecker! Am I right?

Oh, my God, Megan!

No, no, it's funny now,
'cause we're friends.

Where's she gonna do it?

Not the swing set.

He'll never swing again.

Palmer.

Hi.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Lukas.

Do you know Kurt?

Uh, Coach and Ethan felt bad
that I had to miss bowling,

and they said you might still be out.

So, that's...

So you came to see me?

Yeah.

Okay. Well... welcome to Kurt's party.

I take absolutely no ownership

over anything that's happening here.

- Yeah.
- Obviously.

Do you want to grab a drink
and watch some stoned boys

try to cook a turkey over an open flame?

Yeah, lead the way.

Okay.

And if the plankton and algae
communities are threatened,

then...

The entire food web may change.

And... and, baby,
I appreciate your concern,

but we're together
for the first time in three months,

and I really don't want to talk
about plankton anymore.

You know what
I do want to talk about, Danny Zuko?

Uh... methane levels.

Let's talk about methane levels.

You're the one that I want.

Okay, one sec. One... one minute.

Where the fuck are you going?

I... I just need some fresh air.

We're literally outside.

What's going on?

Why are you being so weird?

What are you looking at?

I just don't think
this long-distance thing is working.

It'll be way easier for me
to come visit once football is over.

I feel like you're just like...

giving up.

Is she...

Are they...

Wait a second.

Was all that stuff
about a serious conversation

you trying to break up with me, too?

Oh, my God!

Was this some plan between the two of you?

To tag team your fucking breakups?

Ugh, God, you guys do everything together!

- Claire...
- Don't even think about following me!

Uh, maybe we should go somewhere else?

Really, Claire?

Don't fucking move!

What is going on?

Let me save you the confusion.

These two came up with a little plan
to dump us at the same time

because they're co-dependent psychos

who can't do anything without each other!

Seriously?

You two... You planned this?

I bet it's exactly
what everyone's been saying all along.

That these two have been at school
rawdogging the entire time!

Ben and I are not
having sex with each other!

Yeah. And to be honest,

we're not exactly
on great terms right now, either.

Aw. Of course you two are fighting.

You're like an old married couple.

You might as well
be fucking at this point!

Claire, this isn't about Ben and I.

This is about the fact
that these relationships

should have been left in high school.

I'm sorry to say,

but they're holding us all back
from moving on with our lives.

Wait, you think we're holding you back?

Are Simon and I the reason

you two stay in your dorm room every night

instead of making a single new friend?

You know what? This sucks.

I'm done.

- Simon.
- No.

Simon. Simon.

You two deserve each other.

Claire.

Um...

Not an emergency...

but I am stuck up here.

Oh, that doesn't look good.

Yeah, that is definitely
way too much lighter fluid.

Turkey! Turkey! Turkey!

God.

A group of straight guys with
a common goal is genuinely terrifying.

Yeah.

Turkey! Turkey! Turkey!

Do you think we should
call Ethan or something?

This looks like it's getting,
like, dangerous.

Uh, no, I'll just say something to Kurt.

I mean, it's his house.

Hey, Kurt.

Holy shit. Never mind.

- Thank you.
- Turkey! Turkey!

Definitely call Ethan.

In 15 minutes,
this whole place could be up in flames.

I think it's so special how that went

maybe as bad as it possibly could have.

I've never seen Claire that mad.

I actually thought
Simon was gonna start crying.

I brought up the permafrost.

No, you did not.

You think Claire's right?

About what?

About us.

Our whole thing, how it's...

weird that we're so close,

but we've never...

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, but... but I mean, we're friends.

We've... never wanted to, right?

Yeah, no, but it's, it's...

It's not like we've never
considered the possibility.

Right? I mean...

I mean, you've thought
about it, haven't you?

Yeah... Yeah.

No, no, no. I've...

Of course I've thought about it.

Obviously.

It just felt like...

couldn't that ruin our friendship?

Yeah, no, it definitely could.
It could be a disaster.

Especially if one of us
didn't feel the same way after.

- Right, right.
- Hmm.

Then again...

What?

Uh, I don't know. I...

Things don't exactly feel great
between us right now.

So...

What are we saying then?

Is that the cops?

Holy shit!

All right,
I need everyone to step back!

All right, that's it. Time to go home.

Party is over!

- What's going on?
- Yeah, what the fuck happened?

Oh, there was a terrorist attack.

Yeah. You just missed the news trucks.

No, they incinerated a turkey.
Where were you guys?

- Thank you.
- Uh...

Thanks for calling.
You did the right thing.

Of course. Is everything all right?

Yeah, everything's fine.
We managed to get the fire out

before there was
any major property damage.

Little freak who lives here
is pretty shaken up, though.

Y'all have a ride home?

Yeah, I can drop everyone off.

Look at that.

Thank God.

- Have a good night.
- Mm-hmm.

- You too.
- Thanks.

Okay, so you said it,
and then they just, like, walked away?

No, yeah, no. We just... We just broke up.

Jamie. Nothing to add?

Did they cry?

Give me details. What else happened?

Okay, then.

Psychos.

Secure the ground beneath your feet

'Cause love is an accident

Waiting to happen

To me and to you

Okay. Uh, good night.

And... and happy Thanksgiving,

and we should definitely talk soon

and make sure that we...

touch base moving forward.

Okay, good night, Ben!

Bye.

- Oh, he's unwell.
- Mm.

"Let's keep in touch"?

Are we networking? What?

If I go

A million miles away

I'd write a letter

Each and every day

'Cause, honey, nothing

Nothing can ever change

This love I have for you

You make me weep

And you can make me cry

See me coming

And you can pass me by

But, honey, nothing

Nothing can ever change

This love I have for you

Oh-oh

You're the apple of my eye

You're cherry pie

And, oh, yeah
You're cake and ice cream

Oh, you're sugar and spice

And everything nice

You're the girl of my
My, my, my, dreams

You realize, of course,
that we could never be friends?

Why not?

What I'm saying
is that men and women can't be friends

because the sex part
always gets in the way.

That's not true.

No man can be friends with a woman
he finds attractive.

He always wants to have sex with her.

What if they don't
want to have sex with you?

Doesn't matter. Because
the sex thing is already out there.

So the friendship is ultimately doomed,

and that is the end of the story.

Well, I guess we're not
gonna be friends then.

- Guess not.
- Too bad.

Hey...

You're the only person
that I knew in New York.

Oh, oh, oh, sweetheart,
we haven't run the dishwasher yet.

I do a very thorough pre-rinse.

Just leave 'em.

Come talk to me, kiddo.

What's going on?

You have male friends, right?

Yeah, sure I do.

I mean, your father is, like,
my best friend in the entire world.

And I have you.

Yeah, that's...
that's not exactly what I meant.

Look, I know you've only
been gone a few months.

But you're a grown-up now.

Okay? And that means
that sometimes life...

puts a pebble in your shoe.

Right? And you can either ignore it

and just keep walking
and let it slow you down.

Or you can take the shoe off

and shake that fucker out.

Damn, Mom.

And I love that you are
the last person I want to talk to

before I go to sleep at night.

And it's not because I'm lonely

and it's not because it's New Year's Eve.

I came here tonight
because when you realize

you want to spend
the rest of your life with somebody,

you want the rest of your life
to start as soon as possible.

What's happening?

Should we pause?

Go back to sleep, Norman.

I thought I knew one
Who told me I kept them safe

Got caught up in love

It can't make it through the day

Now all I think of is how will I run away

Buried in the problems of the yesterday

Yesterday

In the same old town
I saw your face

You seemed so sad
I felt the same

Ben?

I shouldn't be this out of breath.

What's... what's going on?

Look, I can't stop
thinking about last night.

And I hate that
I don't know where you stand,

and I don't want to ruin anything.

But I realized something,
and I have to let you know.

Oh, Ben.

I don't wanna fuck you.

I harbor no sexual
or romantic feelings for you whatsoever.

You are my absolute
favorite person on this planet,

and I just want to be your best friend.

Wow.

Is...

Is... is that okay?

I have never been so relieved
in my entire life.

Oh, thank God!

Dude, I have been
fully spiraling for the past 12 hours

thinking you were in love with me.

No. No, not even a little bit.

I can't believe
we let Claire get in our heads.

I know. I mean, granted,
we do spend too much time together.

Yeah, it's fair to say
we have issues, but...

I'm glad sexual tension
is not one of them.

Exactly

And I'm sorry I didn't tell you
about Copenhagen.

But I want you to know
it has nothing to do with you or Claire

or anything other than the fact
that I want to go.

I think it's cool my professor picked me.

It is cool.

- Really?
- Yeah, of course, really.

It's been cool this whole time.

I just... didn't want to admit it

because I didn't want you to leave.

But that's shitty

and I am really excited for you.

And you're right,
I should be nicer to Kelly.

I know what I said about sororities,

but it'd be nice to have
girlfriends in college.

Are you reading King Arthur?

Oh, yeah, I was looking to see
if there's any wisdom in here

about making out with your best friend

and then deeply regretting it.

- Ah. And?
- Nothing yet.

But to be fair,
I am still on the foreword.

Have you talked to Simon?

No.

You talk to Claire?

No, not yet. We should probably do that.

Yeah, we should.

Should we tell them that we kissed?

- I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
- Don't!

- Don't joke about that.
- I'm kidding.

That's... not...

That's too soon. It's not funny.

Are we still friends?

Can we be friends?

Are we still friends?

- Can we be friends?
- Can we be friends?

Are we still friends?

Can we be friends?

Friends

Are we still friends?

Friends, friends

Ben, your dad won't stop giving me
supportive hand gestures.

- Just ignore him. Just ignore him.
- Okay. Okay.

Well, I'm glad you won't be
as far as France, Palm.

Me too.

And I'm so proud
of my little heartbreakers!

- Bring it in. Bring it in!
- You did it!

Hey!

- Okay, well, don't let us keep you.
- How's that going?

It's good.

My parents don't get back
from their cruise for another six hours,

so we have the house to ourselves.

Okay!

- Get it!
- All right.

See ya.

Okay.

You ready to go?

I think so, yeah.

I had a dream or was it real?

We crossed the line and it was on

We crossed the line...

My feet are gone. I literally
don't have them anymore.

I told you not to borrow Jamie's shoes.

- You're not the same size!
- I'm gonna go get some water.

- Okay?
- Yeah!

- Okay. All right, babe!
- Thank you!

Love you, James! You're my hero!

Yeah! We got it!

I love the energy! I love the...

No fucking way!

What are you doing here?

I couldn't miss this!

Wait. How did you even get here?

I thought you didn't
get here till tomorrow!

I got an earlier flight,
so I had Tyler pick me up.

He owed me a favor.

- Oh!
- Love you, roomie!

Look at you!

Look at you! Look at this!

I know! I know! Oh, my God!

- I can't wait to hear about everything!
- Same, I...

Shit, shit! If we're on the dance floor,

we gotta be dancing.

Okay, well...

where are we starting?

I think it's at the chest.

No more hesitations This is on

Can't make it stop...

Yeah.

I think it's going to hands.

- Mm!
- Think it's going to hands.

Yeah, it's going to hands.
It's going to hands.

I wanna cut through the clouds
Break the ceiling

I wanna dance on the roof
You and me alone

I wanna cut to the feeling
Oh, yeah

I wanna cut to the feeling
Oh, yeah

I wanna cut to the feeling

I wanna cut to the feeling

I wanna cut to the feeling

Ooh, Sandy!

In your little poodle skirt
and your... your big boobs...

You make me so horny, Sandy.
I just want to...

greased lightning on your butt cheek, huh?

Greased lightning
all over your butt cheeks.

Ben? Dude, you look hot!

Check-a, check, check

I catch wreck with the Tech Deck

I'm the best yet
Kill a set then I jet, jet

Bet, bet that
I get, get all the props

Find me smoking marijuana crops

Go ahead and call the cops
Shit, they can't do a thing

TPS be the new crew to bang
So turn it up, up

We're so fine
And you the rough cut

Hit the edit lab
And review your frame

Chop chop, snip snip

Hip hop 'til your lid pop off
And you flip

Keep a stiff upper lip when I rap

Pull a trick out my hat

Then I bounce in a Honda Civ
Never on the grid

You're not not gonna see me

We got, got What you need, need

Pot buddha weed, weed
Rock, rock to the beat, beat

From Chicago to DC
I'm out for the clean sweep

Be prepared to salute your shorts
Lose your drawers

We're gonna run 'em up the flag pole

I be the hip hop poster boy

That most avoid 'cause they be
Getting punished in a battle

You can't roll with my team
Can't donate a swing

Camp Lo fans know what I mean

Tableau with the theme of a Coppola scene

Get at me

I could show you a thing or two about

How to put a needle
To the groove in the record

See most people
Couldn't do any better than P-Squares

Am I stupid or clever?
Ain't got a clue whatsoever

But everything I do
I do to the letter

So take, take
A breath, breath and go

Find me in your tape
Cassette deck fo' sho'

A brain case, a meth head A dope

Vacate the room, room

I'ma let you know, know

We did it again, so grab the weed
Hit it again

Palmer Squares
And we in it to win

So throw your hands up

And if you ain't have none
Just jump

Mad love from the back to front

'Cause we did it again
Grab the weed, hit it again

Palmer Squares
And we in it to win

So throw your hands up

And if you ain't have none
Just jump

Mad love from the back to front
We give it up

One, one to the two
Spun with the crew

Huff, huff a balloon
'Til I'm blue in the face

Stay true to the faith of unusual taste
With tools of the trade, I

Lose, lose control
Move, move your soul

Boom, boom
'Til the room explodes

Sip, sip my cup, cup
A quick slit, the blunt's cut

The piff, piff I puff, puff
And pass to the left

Then I ask for the check

Masking the stress
With a bag full of cess

From an ounce to a pound

I'm down at the lounge
Buying rounds for my frowning clowns

Whiskey and rye
Get lifted and fly

Drift through the skies
Squinting my eyes

Ignited by the flickering light
The criminal minded

Out for the thrill of the ride

Clean clock with a sock full of batteries

- The academy cat, finna pop
- Yeah, right

That'll be the day
There's fees to pay

Cheese to make
G's to rake, weed papes

Lemme lead the way

Stone's throw from the po-po
Bring on the heat

So cold I'm froze like a sno-cone

Coke nose and the go-gos

We got the beat
Dome blown from a bowl of the home grown

Opium den, dope in the dojo

Smoke, smoke puttin' holes in the ozone

Showboat with a sold soul

Broke, broke like a joke
Mofo got no dough

Get low with your ass and your hips

Scandalous Smackin' your lips

Term K flick ash from the window

Smooth cat move fast as the wind blow

We did it again

So grab the weed Hit it again

Palmer Squares
And we in it to win

So throw your hands up

And if you ain't have none
Just jump

Mad love from the back to front

We did it again
Grab the weed, hit it again

Palmer Squares
And we in it to win

So throw your hands up

And if you ain't have none
Just jump

Mad love from the back to front

We give it up