Original subtitles

[ crashing ]

and so we welcome you,

no matter what

part of the galaxy you're from,

to the 10th annual

north American ufo convention,

I believe,

Oh, please!

"The aliens did this to me,

The aliens did that to me,"

You keep telling

the same stupid story

year after year,

When the hell

are you going to get over it?

Around the same time

you stop dressing up

like a Jolly green Giant

sex toy,

At least I've had

a close encounter,

I think you liked

having that probe up...

I told you,

they didn't probe me,

I stopped them,

Oh, that's what you'd

like us to believe,

No, no, no!

The meconia were very

clear on that point,

Did you not read my last book?

No, Did you read mine?

I couldn't even find it,

Carl sagan was meconian,

Sagan was a pod person,

I've got the evidence

right here,

The only thing in there

is your lunch,

It's not the Alien finger,

I'm not going to carry it around

everywhere I go,

But you promised me, Gunther,

when we, you know, ,,

that I was going to

experience the finger,

You will, You will,

I want it now!

I want the finger,

I don't want a rotten carrot,

It's not a carrot!

You lied to me, Gunther,

You lied, ,,

for Pete's sake,

boo, what kept you?

This printer screwed up

our press release,

No, no, no, no,

I took care of it,

It's fine,

As usual,

it sounds like

world War iii in here,

Everybody,

can I have your attention,

please?

Everybody, listen up,

Damn it, I said listen!

Well, um, ,,

I hope everyone

enjoyed their fondue,

Like I always say,

it's food you can trust,

Well, before we get on

with tonight's business,

I have a personal statement

I'd like to make,

I couldn't help noticing

that certain of you

have chosen

to disregard my request

that tonight's

planning committee soiree

remain apolitical,

I sound like a broken record,

but this constant bickering,

it's, ,,it's insufferable,

There is no way

the rest of the world

will ever take us seriously

and respect us

if we do not respect ourselves,

Now, when the convention

starts tomorrow

and the press arrives,

I want us

to be civil to each other,

The moment one of us breaks Rank

and starts bashing the others,

the press will jump right in,

and they'll make us all

look like

a bunch of

silly, disorganized lunatics,

Which is why Ike asked me...

Hi, everybody...

To come up with a theme

that sort of captures

the zeitgeist of our message,

Don't you roll your eyes at me,

Gunther Van Owen,

You're one of the first

the tv crews'll head for,

Damn right...

Me and the rest

of the Fifth Column,

Bunch of thugs,

We've got something to show, ,,

something big,

Oh, you mean

that piece of rotten carrot

you've been carrying around?

It is not a carrot,

Whatever it is, it's disgusting,

and it has nothing to do

with reality,

Our extra-Terrestrial friends

are beautiful,

diaphanous creatures,

not toads like you,

Diaphanous?

The creature that impregnated me

was definitely reptilian,

You say that

about all creatures

that impregnate you,

Yeah?

Come over here and say that,

Come on,

Stop!

Back off, everybody,

You people are incorrigible,

One of reasons

I joined this group

was because of the fellowship

it provided,

We know

that we are not alone here

on starship earth,

and whether you look at aliens

as a malignant fungus

or e, T, In a tutu,

we need to stand together

and say,

in one united Voice,

two very simple words, ,,

"I believe,"

We hunger for a sign

that our faith

is the right faith,

and, for me,

these two words are a statement

that we have seen things,

and that the truth

has been revealed to us,

"I believe?"

I believe that slogan sucks,

That's what I believe,

Yeah, me too,

It would have been

way better in silver,

What is wrong with all of you?

Don't you want

to be taken seriously

for once in your lives?

If you want

to be taken seriously,

you'll need more than a t-Shirt,

You're going to need

what I have in this box,

I'm sorry, sir,

but this is

a convention-Planning meeting,

If you have something to sell,

there'll be a consignment table

set up on Sunday,

Do I look like

I'm selling something?

I've been driving in circles

in the desert for three days

trying to figure out

what to do with this,

What is it?

The stuff

your dreams are made of,

[ ♪ ]

there is nothing wrong

with your television,

Do not attempt

To adjust the picture,

We are now controlling

the transmission,

We control the horizontal, ,,

and the vertical,

We can delude you

with a thousand channels

or expand one single image

to crystal clarity, ,,

and beyond,

We can shape your vision

to anything

our imagination can conceive,

For the next hour,

we will control

all that you see and hear,

You are about to experience

the awe and mystery

which reaches

from the deepest inner mind

to The outer limits,

In an age of doubt,

there is nothing more powerful

than the need to seek answers,

but what happens

when the cloak is lifted

and those answers

suddenly revealed?

I hope I haven't made a mistake

showing this to you,

Is it real?

What kind of starcruiser

did it come from?

Show it to us again,

As head of convention security,

I say we 86 this guy right now,

We're not going to 86 anyone,

We don't know anything

about this guy

or that, ,,thing,

They could both be radioactive,

For all we know,

that thing could make us glow

Like bonzerian zot-Worms,

I assure you,

the fragment is harmless,

Tell that to the cancerous lump

growing on my spine, rummy,

I'm going to ask you and the box

to leave Nicely,

I ask again,

we're going to tussle,

Please, just listen to me,

For 22 years, I was

a civilian accountant

at nellis Air force base,

That's area 51,

Check the noncom work records

if you don't believe me,

You'll find my name there,

Max Buford?

Buford,

Two weeks ago,

I was assigned to audit

the construction of

an underground storage facility,

I found a discrepancy,

When I went to inquire about it,

I saw this strange craft

being disassembled

by military personnel,

Pieces of the ship

were being placed into boxes

in preparation

for being hauled away on trains,

I was told to forget

everything I had seen,

and though I tried to ignore it

and simply do my job,

I found I could not,

Betraying the trust

that was placed in me,

I stole

one of the smaller boxes,

put it into the trunk of my car,

and drove away,

That box is before you now,

Wow,

That is an amazing story,

Mr, Buford,

It's the truth,

Our government is conspiring

with the creatures

that built that craft,

The world needs to know,

The government know

it's missing?

Probably, In which case...

They'll kill you,

Dead,

Hell, I knew a guy

who knew a guy,

That guy crossed the feds

just like you did,

10 years later,

he's eating

at the Jolly troll smorgasbord...

In Billings?

That's the one, Bang!

He goes face Down

into his tater tots,

Turns out a motherhumping

heart attack

Just rocked his world,

Coincidence? I think not,

Why would you tell

a story like that?

I think it's truly courageous

of you to come here,

and I think

I can speak for all of us

when I say thank you

from the bottom of our hearts,

Well, I ain't thanking him,

His story's a load of crap,

That fragment didn't

come from area 51,

There are no train tracks

going into that base,

Apparently, the hair goo

has infected your brain,

He's referring to

their cold-Fusion

underground rail system,

Shut-up,

There is no underground system,

The damned photos

are on the internet,

What if aliens sent him?

The meconia

have always been willing

to share their

technology with us,

The meconia have got

nothing to do with this,

This kind of technology, ,,

it's vortid all the way,

What if the fragment

isn't stolen?

What if the government

sent him here

as part of some

disinformation campaign?

Anyone think of that?

Well, if the fragment is real,

where's the disinformation?

Maybe they just want us

to think it's real,

Or the aliens wanted us

to see the fragment

because they need

to tell us something,

Yeah! Like, maybe

it's a distress signal

from their base station

on the ocean floor,

You're all missing the point,

Think of all the

grainy photographs

and half-Baked stories

we've hitched our wagons to

over the years,

trying to grab onto

something that proved

our belief in Aliens

was justified,

We have it now,

This fragment,

it's our holy grail,

Is that what you believe,

you, with your hoity-Toity

college education?

It's what I believe, too,

Ike pilchard,

transit system coordinator,

And me,

Tyler buttram,

with my advanced degrees

in portuguese literature,

animal husbandry, ,,

ditto, except for

the degrees part...

Although I am certified

to work as an x-Ray tech,

Mr, Buford,

we've already set up

a press conference for tomorrow,

and with your permission,

I'd like to reveal the fragment

to the world,

Are you high on the crack?

The feds'll be on him

like maggots on Roadkill,

Look,

you're a relative Newcomer

to these conventions, boo,

Trust me,

there's a lot of things

that you just don't know about,

Well, there's one thing

that I do know,

With Mr, Buford and the fragment

out in the open,

the government would be stupid

to do anything,

Even you can see that, Dale,

Boo is absolutely

right, Mr, Buford,

Really,

it's the only way

to save yourself,

I just want you to know

I appreciate what you're doing,

Well, Mr, Buford, I assure you

the feeling is mutual,

I know that some of us

may seem a little extreme,

but, for the most part,

we're good people,

Can I tell you something?

Tonight, you have

renewed my faith

that aliens exist here on earth,

and for that,

I'm really grateful,

This is your room,

Page me if you need anything

and I'll be here in a flash,

You're safe with us,

I've got one man

eyeballing your car

from the roof,

another will be outside

this door all night,

Really?

You think that's necessary?

A little information

can get a guy killed,

Enough said,

I think a Little information

can be uplifting,

Now, remember what I said,

if you need anything, ,,

Yeah,

Are you trying to be ignorant

when you say things like that?

What? What'd I say?

You said there'd be

men watching him,

Correct me if I'm wrong,

but you're our only

security, right?

Do you think he'll feel safer

knowing the entire FBI

is out to Ruby Ridge him

and I'm the only thing

standing in the way?

The FBI doesn't

know where he is,

Wake up and smell the cheese,

honey,

The walls have eyes,

Any one of the people

in that room tonight

could be FBI in

Deep-Cover assignment,

Oh, sure, you're saying

Dale's all buggy and paranoid, ,,

but I've made inquiries

into certain people,

and it wouldn't surprise me

one little bit

that it comes back

that they're not

who they say they are,

And who exactly

are you referring to?

Well, when I get the facts,

you'll be the first to know,

but only because I like you,

Now, some ignorant Types

May think my kind of a job

is a nowhere road

to dead endsville,

but to me, parking-Lot security

is the first line of defense,

Say, do either of you ladies

like Cable?

Dale!

Dale, I've got to talk to you,

I'm talking to some ladies,

These aren't ladies,

Dale, they're men,

I was attacked in my room,

Ah!

Dale, Dale, they're gone,

Don't be too sure,

Describe them,

Um, ,, flat nose,

bulbous eyes, ,,

vortids,

Stinking vortids,

Consider yourself lucky,

Vortids have been known

to mutilate a body

faster than you can say

seti alpha five,

but if our government

taught them one thing,

it's how to get

in and out quickly,

In other words,

sometimes in their hurry,

they leave a little

something behind,

It may be nothing more

than a Flake of skin

or a bead of gooey-Green sweat,

Dale,

there's nothing under there,

But what about this?

Oh, what is it?

I think you wounded one

during the struggle,

Could be a hunk of skin tissue,

some kind of blood,

maybe even, ,,

hair gel,

Admit it, Gunther,

You and your

digit-Worshipping friends

attacked me in my room,

Digit worshipping?

Ooh, that hurt,

These are serious charges,

Gunther,

If you and the Fifth Column

were involved, ,,

why the hell

would I even waste my time?

To Make boo look foolish maybe?

She doesn't need any of my help,

She's foolish enough already...

Not to mention

gullible and simple-Minded,

Fess up, Gunther,

You left your calling card,

All right, all right,

Fine!

Fine,

It was us,

We were just trying

to make a point,

If she's stupid enough

to believe

a bunch of cheesy-Looking aliens

could attack her,

who knows what else

she could buy into, huh?

Like, say,

a floating metal fragment,

Good example,

The girl's a Flake,

just like the rest of you,

Hell, this was supposed to be

my year, damn it...

The Fifth Column's year,

Why couldn't you

believe in this?

Bingo,

Smoking gun and all,

Look what we found

in Mr, Monty's dumpster,

Got that hair squidge

all over it,

Polk's rounding up

the last of it,

I have never been so disgusted

in All my, ,,

Gunther, pack your bags,

As president

of the north American

ufo convention,

I hereby suspend you

and the rest of the Fifth Column

from any further participation

in naufoc events,

Incoming!

Screw you and your convention,

You can't deny us

our right to be heard,

Go ahead and try,

The finger will not be silenced,

[ door slamming ]

that Gunther...

I'd always thought

he'd go too far some day,

Sure you're okay, boo?

I'm good,

In fact, I'm better than good,

because with Gunther

out of the way,

this press conference

is really going to soar

on the wings of an eagle,

When you say hanging there, ,,

we will say,

"There are

things in the universe

"That we don't understand,

things the government

is afraid to share, ,,"

boo, ,,

"But we have

discovered something

"That will change all of that,

"something that

we're willing to share with you,

Call it what you want,

but we call it the truth,"

Boo!

We've got a problem,

What is it?

Duct tape, some wires,

conductive tubing, ,,

tell it again

from the beginning,

Like I said,

the busboy was poking around

at the air vent with a Broom,

and Ping, it opened,

and all this stuff fell out,

Of course,

What do you mean "Of course"?

of course what?

What are you talking about?

Mirrors and wires

and Gerry-Rigged remote control,

Probably holograms, too,

and animatronic sock puppets,

That floating fragment

was nothing

but a piece of theater,

And we fell for it,

hook, line, and sinker,

People, for all you know,

it could be Gunther's handiwork,

or maybe it's been

up there for years,

I bet my bippy,

if you stick a few

magnets in this

and tape it to the ceiling...

Fine, Where are the magnets?

Mr, Buford pulled

a fast one on us,

It's alien autopsy

all over again,

We are so stupid,

But why? Why would he do this?

Maybe we're just

jumping to conclusions,

She's right,

For all we know,

the government

put Buford up to this,

Right, The government,

To make us look bad,

Come on, everybody,

sometimes, a piece of tubing

is just a piece of tubing,

I looked into Mr, Buford's eyes,

and he was telling us the truth,

Mr, Buford?

It's only us,

We just want to talk,

Really, uma,

this is so unnecessary,

Then why isn't he

answering the door?

Got it,

Mr, Buford, sorry to Barge in

like this, ,,

I think Max is gone,

Telling us the truth, ,,

yup, Just like we thought,

Mr, Buford's gone

and So is his box,

Not to mention

everything in the mini-Bar,

Damned hotel better not

try charging us for it,

Hey, some towels are missing,

and so's the rubber bath mat,

What a weirdo,

Nobody up front saw him go,

but we scoured the parking Lot

for his car,

and it definitely isn't there,

How could he just

leave us like that,

without saying anything?

Maybe there's

a perfectly logical explanation,

Yeah, Like maybe he knew

the feds were closing in,

The government

didn't know he was here,

What if the government

did know he was here,

because somebody

told them about it?

You mean, like Gunther,

Yeah, Gunther,

He had a motive,

Could be Gunther,

could be somebody else,

Yeah, ,,like, ,,

like, ,,

like nobody,

The man bolted

because this

whole thing's a lie,

Maybe we were wrong

about Mr, Buford,

Maybe we're wrong

about a lot of things,

Boo?

Boo, where are you going?

Thought I'd find you here,

Have a drink,

Looks like you need one,

Sex on the beach,

How'd you know

that was my drink?

You'd be amazed

what you can learn about people

if you do a little surfing,

Do you mind if I, uh, sit down?

You okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm great, ,,

considering this feels

like the worst day of my life,

I should have listened to you

when you said how

complicated things are,

You wanted that fragment

to be real in the worst way,

I'd rather not talk about it,

Funny thing is,

I know how you feel,

Boo, can you keep a secret?

Sure,

You know, uh, ,,

that story I tell

about when the aliens,

you know, ,,

Oh, my god,

Dale, are you saying

that that actually happened?

Huh?

No, no, no,

I mean, it never happened,

I made it up,

You've got to believe me,

I wanted it to happen,

I wanted to see aliens,

I still do,

but just because

you want something to be True, ,,

Dale, ,,

I understand, really,

I do,

I know there are aliens

out there and all,

God, I know how desperate

that must sound,

I just wanted to be accepted,

you know?

I mean, all the people here

at the convention, ,,

they're like my family,

They accepted me

when nobody else would, ,,

and it's all based on a lie,

Can you ever forgive me?

Of course I can,

Thank you,

Wow,

You were great, boo,

Now, I've been with

a lot of women,

not that I'm bragging,

but, ,,wow,

You are, ,,

and that was, ,,

wow,

You didn't think it was wow,

did you?

No, it was fine, Dale,

It was just what I needed,

It was?

It was real, It happened,

There's no denying it,

That's one way

of looking at it, I guess,

You and I just had sex,

That's a fact,

It was way better for you

than it was for me,

That's another fact,

Now, wait a minute,

Just because

I wouldn't stick my tongue...

Dale, I'm not passing judgment,

okay?

[ Telephone ringing ]

it's just that

I have never been

more confused or tired

in my whole life,

Hello?

Listen to me carefully...

Mr, Buford?

Try and understand

what I'm saying,

It's all about John, okay?

John,

His life is going

down the drain,

Who?

What the hell

are you talking about?

Listen, it's nothing personal,

Mr, Buford,

but you sound

like you've been drinking,

Boo, please,

listen to me carefully,

I'm not trying to turn you on

or turn you off,

I'm, ,,I'm venting, okay?

I'm venting,

Actually, Mr, Buford,

I'm in the middle of something,

Dammit, boo,

you've got to listen to me,

Oh, my god,

Boo, you've got to help me,

I'm in a phone Booth

outside Kyle plastics,

you got that? Kyle plastics,

The nerve of that man,

After all that he's done to me,

to call here at this hour, ,,

where did Buford say he was?

It doesn't even matter,

He's drunk and he's probably

feeling sorry for himself,

Maybe,

but if I've learned anything

from my experience

in the security field,

it's that nothing

is ever as it seems,

The man called you for a reason,

boo,

We need to find out why,

I could've told you

this was a waste of time,

Mr, Buford?

Mr, Buford, are you here?

Oh, my god, There he is,

Is he, ,,

he's dead, all right,

It's sad,

It's so sad,

Something is not right here,

Dale, please, you saw

all the bottles,

He was inebriated,

Obviously, he hit his head,

and he fell down

and he bled to death,

Sure, he seemed drunk,

but was he?

150 ccs of government-Grade

sodium pentathol

would have exactly

the same effect on him,

The government did not do this,

I'm not saying

it was the government,

Could be the Fifth Column,

or the masons,

or the illuminati, maybe,

Where's the damn fragment?

That's what I want to know,

Well, obviously,

the government got it back,

ooh, or maybe it was the aliens,

Except that's not

what this picture says,

Tell you what I think...

Government guys follow him,

think they've found their prize,

discover they're wrong,

get a little carried away

demonstrating

their disappointment,

Or... Have you thought of this?

Maybe it's just

what it seems to be...

Mr, Buford was a lonely drunk

who thought

he could have a few laughs

pulling a fast one

on a bunch of social outcasts,

That's exactly

what they want you to think,

Look, when it comes to ufos,

the government's agenda

never changes...

Discredit, disavow, ,,

disinform,

Now, what you see is real,

but it's

a little more complicated,

A spaceship

looks like a spaceship,

hell, it may even be

a damned spaceship,

but it's not really a spaceship,

You ever wonder how

much work it would take

the people who come up

with these plans

to actually come up with them?

That's why the government

has whole agencies

dedicated to this stuff...

Fema, atf, cia,

the trifab commission,

The what?

You haven't heard about

the trifab commission?

Probably better that way,

Oh, yeah, much better that way,

You're sounding like me...

Doubting everything,

Maybe I'm just wising up,

[ Mr, Buford ]:

it's all about John, okay?

It's all about John,

Who the hell is John?

His life

is going down the drain,

His life

is going down the drain,

I'm venting, okay?

I'm venting,

I'm venting, ,,

that smart son of a bitch, ,,

he kept it wrapped up

nice and tight

to keep in the light,

So, I guess it is real,

Maybe,

I still want to believe in it,

but I want to believe

because I know

intrinsically what it is,

Obviously,

it's no ordinary hunk of metal,

Well, yeah,

I mean, it floats,

But do we know why it floats?

No,

Does the fact that it floats

mean that it comes

from outer space,

and that's

the only possible explanation?

I'm not qualified to say

and neither are you,

Still, the fact

that it does what it does, ,,

it's got to be

from an alien technology,

Or maybe it's just

a really clever magic trick,

and we haven't figured out

how they're doing it,

If you want

to drive yourself crazy

thinking up all these what-Ifs,

go right ahead,

Personally, I think it's time

to look what truth I do know

squarely in the face,

You want to know

why I believe in aliens?

I believe in aliens

because I needed to,

When I was in college,

I met this guy, Winton,

and we had a little daughter

named Krishna,

One day,

we're all heading to this ashram

in oregon,

It was Winton's idea,

He was always very spiritual,

We stopped at this little cafe

out in the middle of nowhere

so I could go use the bathroom,

and when I came out,

they were gone,

They just drove off without you?

They never showed up

at the ashram,

and they never went back

to our little apartment,

and when I called

Winton's family

to find out what had happened,

they said no,

I mean, as far as they knew,

Winton and Krishna

had just vanished,

Maybe

they weren't telling the truth,

Well, I'm sure they weren't,

I guess

I got really carried away,

because the next thing I know,

I'm locked up in this hospital,

and I'm looking out the window,

day after day,

thinking to myself,

"Where'd they go?

Where'd they go?"

and then, one day,

another patient wanders by,

and says, "maybe

the aliens took them,"

and I thought to myself,

"Well, why the hell not?"

I mean, I could live with that,

Funny thing is

that's when I started

to feel better,

Sounds like his family

talked him into leaving you,

and taking the baby with him,

I guess

I need to look in to that, huh?

So, what do we do about This?

We tell the truth,

What is with

all the mystery, Ike?

We really need

to get down

to the convention floor,

I've got a Booth

to finish setting up,

Look, everyone,

I know This is inconvenient,

but I promise it's important,

Oh, boo, come on in,

Okay, you all remember

how we searched

Mr, Buford's hotel room

yesterday?

Well, we missed something,

You found the fragment?

Well done, boo,

I knew it would turn up,

I thought we all agreed

it was fake,

Funny, I don't remember

anyone agreeing to anything,

Why don't you, uh,

check the ceiling tiles?

Go ahead and rip up

the carpet, if you like,

My god!

I told you it wasn't fake,

No, I told you,

What are we sitting here for?

Let's take it downstairs,

No, no, no, no,

Everybody, hang on

just a second,

Wait a minute, okay?

Now, we have to be very careful

about this,

Ike says he wants us

to be taken more seriously,

and that's what has to happen,

You don't think

they'll take this seriously?

Are any of you a metallurgist?

Maybe a physicist?

How about

your plain old scientist?

I didn't think so,

Which means,

that as interesting

as this thing is,

we don't know what it is,

therefore,

we are going to present this

to the world as a mystery,

and we are going

to invite the world...

The government included...

To help us solve that mystery,

The government?

Don't you see?

This is a part of our problem,

We don't trust anybody,

not even ourselves,

which is why I'm hoping

that by reaching out,

in the spirit of cooperation,

that we can end

the mistrust and the paranoia,

Ike, ,,

you, ,,

you want me to do it?

You're our Leader,

I think the world

should hear about this

from one voice...

Yours,

Thank you, boo,

I appreciate this,

Is there anyone here

who disagrees with This?

Good,

Let's go tell the world,

Where the hell is Everyone?

Didn't you just

pass them in the hall?

They're heading down

to the convention floor,

No!

Who's got the suitcase?

Ike does,

We've got to stop him,

Dale, don't get me started,

I just saw Gunther Van Owen

in the parking lot,

I don't think he's here

for the refreshments,

What are you talking about?

Remember when I said

I was looking into some people?

Well, say hello

to Ike pilchard...

Gunther Van Owen's best Buddy

and card-Carrying member

of the Fifth Column

and the f-B-Freakin'-I,

You've got to listen to me

before you go down there,

Do you recognize the guy

in the potato-Sack race?

Ike at a fifth-Column picnic

10 years ago,

I got this

off the fifth-Column web site,

Here's another shocker...

Gunther Van Owen,

He's a shriner,

So?

It's basic...

Basic!

Shriners are masons,

Masons have ties

to the U, S, Government,

which have gone all the way back

to the beginnings

of the republic,

To reach the highest

level of masondom...

The 33rd level...

Masons from all over the world

have to travel

to Washington, D, C,

The connections are obvious,

The Fifth Column and the FBI

are one and the same!

Dale,

that is the flimsiest story...

All right, all right,

What about this one, then?

This is from

the telephone directory

of the j, Edgar Hoover building

in Washington, D, C,

What's Gunther's name

doing on there

if he isn't a fed?

Oh, my god,

Gunther Van Owen,

right there on the page,

Disavow, discredit, ,,

disinform, Exactly,

Doesn't that sound like Gunther

to you?

It sounds like the

whole damned government,

So Ike and Gunther, ,,

are plants,

It's hide in Plain sight

times two,

And I have just put the fragment

into their hands,

How much do you want to bet

that those bastards have already

switched that fragment

for some cheap plastic doo-Dad,

so that when Ike gets up there

and reveals it to the world...

Everyone's going

to think we're lying,

They'll think we're all crazy,

We've got to stop him,

Okay, everyone, sit down, ,,

I surrender!

Good morning, everyone,

I'd like to welcome you all

to the 10th annual

north American ufo convention,

I think you'll find

this year's gathering

is, well, to put it mildly,

kind of special,

and I'm happy to see

our friends in the media

have shown up, too,

I promise you,

you will not be disappointed,

Our story begins

at Mr, Monty's

house of fondue, ,,

the whole Fifth Column's here,

I can feel it,

and the cia, the fbi,

the trifab commission,

There, There, Do you see him?

Is that a person?

It's Gunther,

What's he doing up there?

If I know anything

about how the feds operate,

he's their insurance policy,

Come on, Hurry,

So, to be honest,

we're not exactly sure

how poor Mr, Buford

Came to his untimely demise

last night,

All we do know

is that he showed up,

gave us the spaceship fragment

that's in this suitcase,

then ran,

Now, those of us

who attend these conferences,

we hear a lot of stories,

and some of them

are pretty fantastical,

which is all

a convoluted way of saying

that what I'm about to show you

is, ,,

well, ,,

I guess I'll let it

speak for itself,

No, sir, Ike,

Not today, you don't,

What are you doing?

We know about you and Gunther,

You fifth-Column lover,

Boo, what are you talking about?

Ladies and gentlemen,

I must apologize,

Those us at naufoc

are well aware

that Mr, Larose

is somewhat prone to hyperbole,

Don't listen to him, folks,

Ike's the definition of a liar,

He doesn't want you

to know he's an agent...

Of the federal government...

Who has been trying to attain

this metal fragment

since we got it last night,

Ladies and gentlemen,

I implore you, ,,

he wanted us to open this

and show you what was inside,

He knew that you would think

that We are liars,

and we're crazy,

because there's nothing in here,

Aliens are real,

They're here,

They're among us,

and they're working

with our government,

Our government is lying to us,

and the proof, ,,

Dale! Dale!

Believe,

It looks like

four shots have been fired

here at the north American

ufo convention,

more and more shots

now ringing out,

It's just pandemonium here,

Dale was telling the truth,

That's why the

government killed him,

You've got to listen to me,

Disavow, discredit, disinform...

That's what they're

trying to do to us,

We're just getting word now

that the police

have surrounded the shooter,

Don't move, asshole,

Don't move a muscle!

Our source is telling us now

that the police have

a tentative I, D, On the shooter,

Apparently, he belongs

to a splinter group

which is at odds

with the convention leadership

over some kind of alien finger,

His name is Gunther Van Owen...

That is not the truth!

Gunther Van Owen

works for the government,

Gunther Van Owen

is the government,

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's a very, very sad day here,

The question isn't really,

do aliens Exist?

We'll probably never know

the answer to that,

The real issue here

is what would make

one of these people so angry,

what would cause them

to become so unhinged

that they would perpetrate

an act of violence like this?

A toaster?

Dale was right,

I think we did it,

How is he?

He is fine, ,,

but he'd be a whole lot better

if that so-Called marksman

hit the Vest

where he was supposed to,

When we get back to the office,

I would like a word with him,

And the package?

Can I see it?

Right here,

Good job,

Think the folks back there

will buy the goods

we just sold them?

If you mean will anyone know

the trifab commission did this,

I doubt it,

Those poor, crazy bastards

back there...

No one'll ever believe

a word they say ever again,

Even when they're right,

I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, ,,

I believe, I believe,

I believe, I believe, ,,

sometimes, the best way

to hide the truth