Original subtitles

- Honey, did you call the Mertzes? - Yeah. They said they'd be right over.

- Good. -

- There they are. - [Ricky] Wait till you tell them.

- Hi. - [Ricky] Hi!

- What did you want to see us about? - Yeah. What's going on?

- We have a big surprise for you. - Tell them, honey.

Ricky's band has been booked into

a big, beautiful summer resort in Maine for two whole months.

Won't that be a wonderful vacation?

Oh, boy! Are you and the baby going, too?

- Sure. - [Ricky] Yeah.

Oh, gee, it must be great to leave this hot city

in the middle of summer and go to a place like that.

Two whole months. Isn't that sheer heaven?

Boy, what a deal.

[Ricky] Isn't that really great?

Oh, I don't know what I'll do with you gone for two months.

- Oh... - Well, at least the kitchen door

and your tongue will both get a little rest.

- [Lucy] Oh, Fred. - [Ethel] Now, Fred.

Gee, I hope the baby doesn't forget us.

Oh, Ethel, don't be silly.

Well, they forget awful fast, you know.

[Lucy] Not in that length of time.

Just think.

You've lived here 12 years,

and this is the first time we've ever really been separated.

That's right.

Yeah, it'll be a little lonesome around here all right.

What are you talking about? You're coming up to visit us.

- [Fred] Huh? - Why, certainly.

You don't think we're gonna stand being away from our very best friends

for two whole months, do you?

No, sir. You're coming up as our guests.

Oh, Ricky, I don't think we could ...

Now, you're coming up, or we're not going.

That's right.

Honestly,

you're just about the nicest,

most unselfish people I've ever known.

Well, why shouldn't we be nice to two of the sweetest,

most wonderful people in the whole world?

- [Ethel] Aw... - Fred, do you ever have the feeling

that you were sitting in the middle of a hot fudge sundae?

Ha, ha, ha!

- Yeah. They're pretty sticky, aren't they? - [Ricky laughs]

You can laugh if you want to,

but it's gonna seem awful strange having this apartment empty all summer.

Well, we got another surprise for you.

- Yup! - [Fred] Oh?

This apartment is not going to be empty all summer.

- It isn't? - No.

No, sir. I think that we're gonna be able to sublet it.

- Well, good. - Oh, Rick, that's fine.

You know, I started thinking about it, I said, "Gee, it's a pretty tough rap

paying 125 bucks a month

when we're not gonna be here for a couple of months."

Yeah, and I'd feel guilty taking it from you.

I thought you would, Fred, so I went to see the real estate agent.

- You know, Mrs. Hammond? - Mm-hmm.

And she said she's sure she can rent it for us.

- Oh, boy, that's really great. - That's great. Fine.

As a matter of fact,

she said that she could get me $300 a month for it.

$300 a month.

Isn't that wonderful?

What's the matter?

Fred, what's the matter?

Well, you only pay us $125 a month rent.

Now, do you think it's fair for you to make money on our apartment?

Well, I thought you'd be happy that we could make a little money.

Yeah.

After all, we got a lease. We're living up to our lease.

As long as you get $125 a month, it's fair.

Well, it might be fair, but it's lousy.

Now, wait a minute. Don't make it look like we're wrong.

You're getting the best of the deal.

What?

What are you talking about?

Suppose that the boot was on the other hand.

How about that?

Suppose that-that I could only get $50 a month.

Would you give me $75 back?

Of course not.

There you are. Our friends.

We're losing $75 a month,

- and they wouldn't help us that much. - Yeah.

Oh, now, just a minute. This is an entirely different proposition.

Yeah!

Why?

Why?

Because you're getting $300 a month.

Yeah.

Well, I'm sorry that you feel that way about it, old man,

but I don't think there's anything you can do about it.

Oh, isn't there?

No, sir. We have a lease.

The lease says that we have the right to sublet.

- Honey, where is the lease? - Right here.

- Thank you. - Pardon me, please. Pardon me.

Here it is, dear.

Pardon me, please.

- Thank you. - Here you are.

Think you're playing with kids? Hmm!

Here it is.

"The lessee has the right to sublet the apartment in question."

The lessee. That's us.

And this is the apartment in question.

Ha ha!

Read on. Read on.

"The lessee has the right to sublet the apartment in question

with the a-- with the approval of the lessor."

And that's us, Mr. and Mrs. Fred Lessor.

Well, what do you say to that, Minnehaha?

Well, I don't see how that changes anything.

We-Well, you'll certainly have to approve somebody we bring in here.

Oh, we will?

Oh, now, don't tell me that you're going to turn down

everybody that we try to rent this apartment to, are you?

Well, honestly, what a couple of stinkers!

Oh, a few minutes ago, she said we were the sweetest, most wonderful people.

Yeah, let's get out of here, Ethel.

Okay.

- [Ricky] Well, I never... - [Lucy grumbles]

Have a nice time in Maine.

Have a nice, hot, sticky summer!

No matter how hot it gets,

it'll be sheer heaven so long as you are not here.

- -

Oh, hello, Mrs. Hammond.

Well, look, Mrs. Hammond,

there's no use bringing anybody else over here

to look at the apartment.

The Mertzes have turned down the last six couples.

Well, just a minute.

Mrs. Hammond, she wants to show the apartment again.

She said she has a very lovely couple.

Why bother? The Mertzes wouldn't even approve Ike and Mamie.

Well, she said she's sure they'll approve these people.

Well, what have we got to lose?

Okay. Bring them over, Mrs. Hammond.

Right. Goodbye.

I wonder why she thinks they'll approve these people.

I don't know. What's the difference? We're leaving tonight anyway.

- [Lucy] Yeah. -

I'll get it, dear.

Oh, Mrs. Hammond! How'd you get here so soon?

Oh, I was in the neighborhood when I phoned.

- Huh. - Won't you come in?

What are you doing here?

Oh, we came over to see

if we approve of the couple who are subletting the apartment.

Oh. Where are they, Mrs. Hammond?

There they are.

[Lucy] What?

Fred, do you approve of me?

Yes. Ethel, do you approve of me?

Yes.

We approve of us.

Well, really.

I don't get it.

Mrs. Hammond, what's going on here?

Well, I think that the Mertzes are going to sublease your apartment

and sub-sublet it to someone else.

Oh!

They're trying to make us look at this thing through a sweater.

Oh, you mean they're trying to pull the wool over our eyes.

Yeah.

Well, just forget the whole deal.

The apartment will just stay empty for the whole summer.

- [Lucy] Yeah. - Okay. Come on, Fred.

- Goodbye. - Just a minute, please.

May I make a suggestion?

What?

Well, I've rented apartments in this building

for my clients for a long time,

and every time I've been here,

I've been struck by the wonderful friendship

between you two couples.

You're just devoted to each other.

Why, I'll bet you've been best friends for ten years.

- Twelve. - Yeah.

Thirteen.

No, it's 12.

Well, now, the important thing is

that I don't want to see it end, and I don't think you do either.

Now, look. Here's the idea.

You're paying $125 a month for the apartment,

and I know that I can get you $300 a month.

So why don't you let me find you a nice tenant

and you can split the profit between you?

- Okay? - Okay?

Okay, Fred?

Okay.

- [Lucy] Ah! -

- Oh, I'm so glad. - [Ricky] I'm glad that's over.

Thank you, Mrs. Hammond.

This would have taken a lot longer without you.

Yeah.

I was just trying to protect my commission.

- Goodbye. See you. - Thank you, Mrs. Hammond.

- Goodbye, dear. - Goodbye, Mrs. Hammond.

- Thanks very much. - [Ricky] Bye-bye.

Aw, wasn't that sweet of her?

- [Ethel] Yeah. - [Fred] Yeah. Hey, Rick.

Whatever gave you the idea

that you two have been living here 13 years?

- Yeah, it's only 12. - Yeah, it's only 12, dear.

Now, wait a minute.

- We moved here when we got married. - [Fred] Yeah.

And when we got married, Lucy was 22 years old.

How old are you now, honey?

Oh.

How do you like that? We've only lived here six years.

Lucy, can I help you?

Oh. No, I'm all finished. Come on in.

I really only wanted to come over and talk anyway.

I'm so glad we made up.

So am I.

- Wasn't that silly? - It always is.

- - Yeah.

Oh, Mrs. Hammond, you're back already?

I rented your apartment.

No kidding!

Really, I did. To a Mr. Beecher for $300.

- Oh, $300. - $300!

- Sit down, dear. - [Ethel] Oh, that's great.

- Wh-Where is he? - Well, I phoned him to meet me here.

In the meantime, I want to tell you something about him.

What's the matter with him?

Nothing, but he-he is really a shy little man.

He was a witness on a murder trial.

He's been in court for months, and his nerves are all shot.

- Oh... - Mm-hmm.

All he wants is a nice, quiet place where no one can find him,

where he can rest and get control of his nerves.

Oh, well, he'll like it here.

- Oh, yes. -

- Gee, this is fine. - Did you hear something?

- Uh-uh. - Thought I heard a knock.

- - Yeah.

Maybe it's Mr. Beecher.

Oh, right.

Mr. Beecher?

Mr. Beecher.

Mr. Beecher.

Oh, come on in. This is the right place.

Now, this is, uh, Mrs. Ricardo and Mrs. Mertz,

- and this is Mr. Beecher. - [Ethel and Lucy] How do you do?

Mr. Beecher, I've told them that you want a nice, quiet place,

and I'm sure that you'll find this just perfect.

I don't hear a thing.

Oh, no, it's nice and quiet.

Sometimes it's so quiet,

I think everybody else in the apartment house is dead.

Uh, what she means, Mr. Beecher,

is that this place is always quiet as a tomb.

Uh, wou-wouldn't you like me to show you around, Mr. Beecher?

Now, right through here we have the kitchen.

Now, you see, it's-- it's really a lovely big kitchen,

and there's always plenty of light.

Oh, yes, we get the sun here all day long.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Uh, M-Mr. Beecher?

Mr. Beecher?

I'm sorry, sir. It got away from me.

May I see the bedroom?

Oh, yes, sir. Right-Right in through there.

[Mrs. Hammond] Yes, yes, I'll show you. Come right this way with me, Mr. Beecher.

Right through here. That's the way. Come right along.

Did you ever see anyone in that condition?

Oh, they must have been awful rough on him at that murder trial.

Yeah. I think he'll make a good tenant, though, huh?

Well, at least he won't give any wild parties.

- Not very many anyway. -

Mr. Beecher thinks it's perfect.

Oh, I'm so glad you like it, sir.

Now, Mrs. Ricardo, will you sign the lease, please?

Certainly.

Right there.

- Right here? - Yes.

- There. - Now.

And, Mr. Beecher, right under Mrs. Ricardo's signature, please.

- Thank you. - Uh, Mr. Beecher,

- when would you like to move in? - As soon as possible.

Oh. Well, uh, we're leaving tonight.

Uh, you can move in right away. I'll take these bags down to the Mertzes'.

Yes, I'll help you.

- Okay. - Oh, fine.

I'll get my things and move in right away.

That's fine. I sure hope you're going to like it here, sir.

Oh, you will. It's nice and quiet.

Yes. Thank you, Mrs. Hammond.

- Thank you. - Goodbye.

- [Mrs. Hammond] Bye. - [Ethel] Bye.

Ethel, Mr. Beecher paid me the whole two months' rent.

That's $600. $175 profit for each of us.

Less Mrs. Hammond's commission, of course.

Oh, boy! Hey, where's the baby? I thought you were gonna go get him.

Oh, Mrs. Trumbull wanted to keep him a while longer.

She can't bear to say goodbye to him for two whole months.

She's so sweet.

Yeah.

- There's Ricky! Ricky! - Oh, Ricky!

- [Ethel] Come here. - Come here. I got something to tell you.

- Well, I got something to tell you, too. - Oh, well, you go ahead.

My agent just got a wire from Maine.

The job fell through. We're not going.

Ew...

Well, I'm awfully sorry, honey.

What do you have to tell me?

Ew!

What is it?

I just rented our apartment for the summer.

What?

- Well, give it back to him. - I signed the lease.

As a matter of fact, he's all moved in.

Well, he can just all move out. I'm gonna talk to him right now.

No, now, honey, honey, you can't talk to him.

You haven't seen this man. He couldn't take it.

What are we supposed to do?

I don't know.

Here he is. Come in, Mr. Beecher.

Oh, Mr. Beecher, this is my husband, Mr. Ricardo.

- How do you do? - This is Mr. Beecher.

How do you do?

M-Mrs. Mertz, I don't wish to seem to be complaining straight off,

but there's a leak in the sink...

- Now, look here, Mr. Beecher... - Oh! Oh, no!

[Lucy] Ah...

Let me, dear. Let me.

Uh, Mr. Beecher, you see, we rented you the apartment for two months

because my husband had a job out of town.

Well, the job was canceled, and we're not leaving.

Oh. That's too bad.

Yes. Well, you see, um, uh, I knew you'd understand,

- and we need the apartment, so... - No.

No, no, no. The apartment suits me perfectly.

I've got to have it. I must.

I can't go through looking for another one.

- Well, now, look here... - No! Please, no!

No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No!

Oh, this character's in great shape.

Yeah.

What are we going to do now?

We'll just have to go to a hotel, I guess.

Go to a hotel for two months with a baby? It'll cost a fortune.

I'll bet you could find a nice apartment right here in this neighborhood.

No, Ethel, it's not that easy.

They don't like to rent apartments when you got kids.

Oh, you can find one, and until you do, you can move in here with us.

Move in here with you?

Certainly. We can get out the rollaway bed,

and one of you can sleep on it, and one can sleep on the divan.

- We'll bring the crib out here-- - That's awfully nice of you, Ethel,

- but we don't want to crowd you. - No, honey.

So we're a little crowded.

What are friends for?

Hi.

- [Ethel] Hi. - Hi, Fred.

Hi.

Oof.

[Fred] Any luck finding a place?

No.

The only ones that look decent will take pets but no children.

Too bad.

I'm so desperate, I'm thinking of tying feathers on little Ricky

and telling them he's a parrot.

I'll bet I walked 20 miles today.

How is the baby, honey?

Oh, he was all right, except for a couple of things

like crying all afternoon

and spilling his food on the bedroom rug again.

Oh, Ethel, I'm sorry. He's cutting a tooth.

I guess he's a little fussy.

[Ethel] Mmm.

Didn't find an apartment, huh?

No.

Gee, I never thought when we came here that we'd be here a whole week.

Has it only been a week?

- Well, thanks. - Oh, now, stop picking on Lucy.

It isn't her fault.

I'm doing the best I can, Fred.

She and Ricky are probably just as sick of us as we are of them.

Uh... Well, let's face it, honey.

This apartment is too small for five people.

Yeah.

Oh.

Lucy, will you try and keep that baby quiet?

His crying is getting on my nerves.

Well, why didn't you say so, Fred?

Little Ricky's only crying because he thought you liked it.

Isn't she ever coming out of that bathroom?

What do you suppose she's doing in there?

She's taking a bath.

She's been in there long enough to bathe an elephant.

Oh, there she is. She didn't drown herself after all.

Oh, I'm sorry, Fred.

I guess I took a little longer than I expected.

Oh, it's okay. It just gave Ethel and me a chance to get acquainted.

- What's the matter with him? - Oh, he's all right.

He always gets cranky if he has to stay up past his bedtime.

[Fred] Just as I thought! No more hot water!

Come on. Let's go get the baby's crib

and bring him out here in the living room again.

Sorry about the water. I don't think that tank is big enough.

I know. No, it isn't.

Who's ringing the doorbell at this hour of the night?

Ow!

- [Fred groaning] -

I'm sorry. I forgot my key, Fred.

Why is he awake this late? What's the matter?

Did you have to forget your key twice in one week?

I'm sorry, Fred. Told you I was sorry.

- What's the matter? - Who was that at the door?

Oh, it's you.

There, there, honey, now.

Lucy, is the baby gonna cry all night again tonight?

He wouldn't be crying if Fred hadn't come out here and kicked the crib.

I wouldn't have kicked the crib if you didn't put it

- in the middle of the room! - Oh, Fred.

Come on, Fred. Let's try and get some sleep.

- [Fred] All right. - [Lucy] There, honey.

- [Ethel] Good night. - [Lucy] Come on. Good night.

- Good night! - Good night.

Aw...

Yes, honey, Mama knows.

Yes, well...

Poor little fel--

Oh, honey, yes...

Dishes, dishes, dishes.

Somebody around here is always eating.

I must have done a hundred dishes today.

I am so tired of doing dishes.

You know, Ethel, we're not the only ones that eat around here.

I didn't say you were, dear.

It's just that everybody eats at different times.

There's one skillet out there that hasn't been cold for a week.

Well, I guess there's just one thing to do.

Yeah, but you can't find an apartment.

I meant use paper plates.

Oh.

Darn that Mr. Beecher. It's all his fault.

If he'd just get out.

- Wait a minute. - I'll do it.

- You don't even know what it is. - I don't care what it is.

I'll do it if it'll get rid of Mr. Beecher.

Well, look. Mr. Beecher's a nervous wreck because he witnessed a murder.

- So? - So what if he witnessed another murder?

What if he saw me kill you?

Oh, no, you don't.

Oh, well, what if he saw you kill me? It doesn't make any difference.

- That's more like it. - All right.

We'll pretend that you're mad at me...

Who's there?

Mrs. Ricardo.

Oh, hello, Mr. Beecher. I just dropped over to see how things were.

Oh, just fine.

This place is so nice and quiet and restful.

My nerves are getting back in shape at last.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

Oh, did we leave these here?

Oh, yes, yes. I was going to return them to you.

- Well, I'd be glad to... - There you are, you heel!

You made eyes at my husband for the last time.

- What are you talking about? - You know what I'm talking about.

All right, Ethel, let's face it.

You've lost him. He's mine.

If I can't have him, you can't have him either.

Are you threatening me?

I am.

- Mr. Beecher, you heard her threaten me. - No, no, I didn't hear a thing!

We're gonna have this out here and now.

No, please, please don't.

Mr. Beecher, if she fires that gun, you're my witness.

No, I don't want to be anybody's witness!

I-I say, look here, please.

If you've got to kill her, take her out in the hall and do it.

Uh... Oh, no, I'm gonna do it right here and now.

I'm gonna count to three, and then I'm gonna let you have it.

- One... -

...two...

three.

Aha!

Uh, you're-- you're afraid to let me have it, huh?

Oh, no, I'm not. I just want to watch you squirm.

Now I'm gonna count to three again, and then you're gonna get it.

- [Mr. Beecher whimpers] - One...

two...

and... three.

I didn't see a thing! Not a thing!

Not a solitary thing!

He's gone.

Oh, Lucy, you were superb.

Oh, you weren't bad yourself, girl.

No, I wasn't.

Oh!

Yes. Yes, Mrs. Ham-- Yes.

Uh-huh, well, that'll be fine. Thank you.

Mr. Beecher called Mrs. Hammond, but he didn't tell her a thing about it.

He said that she should go over, pick up his clothes,

and he-- if he got his money back,

he would be very happy to call off the whole deal.

Does he want all of his money back? He lived there a week.

Who cares? We got rid of him. Oh!

- Yeah, that's right. - [Lucy] Man!

- Hey, kids, I got some great news for you. - Have we got news for you.

Wait till you hear it. Everything worked out fine.

Gee, I'm so happy I found you all together.

I got some wonderful news for you.

What is this, the Associated Press? We've all got news.

Okay, now, ladies first. What's your news?

Well, Ethel and I brilliantly arranged to get rid of Mr. Beecher.

The apartment is ours.

- Oh, no! - What's the matter?

I found an apartment for you and paid down two months' rent in advance.

Oh, no!

First we have no apartment, now we got two.

Ricky, your news. Don't tell me we got three.

- We don't even need one. - Why not?

My agent got me another job.

We're spending the next two months in Del Mar, California.

Oh, no!