Original subtitles

- [Ethel] Lucy! - Yeah?

Oh, no.

- Did you miss it? - I certainly did.

The baby left it over at my house.

Well, thanks, honey.

Well, where's Cousin Ernie, your star boarder?

Oh, he went to the zoo again.

He likes to look at those animals, doesn't he?

Well, I think it's about 50-50.

Gee, I wish he had enough money to go back to Tennessee.

- Why don't you buy him a ticket? - Oh, we offered to,

but he wouldn't accept it. Won't accept charity, you know.

If he keeps on eating the way he does,

we're going to need charity.

- Hi. - Oh, hi.

- Hi, Ethel. - Hi.

- I got to go do my dishes. - Okay.

- Good luck. - Okay.

Good luck about what?

Getting rid of our star boarder, Cousin Ernie.

Well, honey, your worries are over.

By tomorrow afternoon, somebody's going to be on the way

to Bent Fork, Tennessee.

How come?

Well, just, uh...

get a load of this.

What is it?

This is a bus ticket to Bent Fork.

He won't take it.

I know he won't, but I have a plan that will work.

Oh, I get it.

We'll leave him here, we'll go to Bent Fork.

No, no. He won't take it because of his pride, right?

- Right. - All right, so we won't give it to him.

Suppose he finds it.

- Oh. - Ah.

Now, where can I put this so he'll be sure to find it?

In the refrigerator.

No, no.

Now, suppose that somebody lost this ticket

in the hallway someplace, you know, just, uh... like so.

- Okay? - Yeah.

And then we ask Ernie

to go over to the Mertzes and get something for us.

So, he goes down the hall...

Ah!

A ticket.

To Bent Fork!

He can't miss it. Pretty clever, huh?

- Well, it finally happened. - What has?

After 13 years of marriage, you're beginning to think like me.

Please.

- Hi, Cousin Ricky. - Hi.

- Hi, Cousin Lucy. - Hi.

Hi.

- Did you have fun at the zoo? - Yeah, I sure did.

You know, while I was down there, I seen a friend of mine.

Oh? Which cage was he in?

Cousin Lucy, you are a caution to the jaybirds.

And, you know, this fella's name was Lester Byck,

and I run over there to try to talk to him

and he just disappeared into the crowd somewhere.

- Say, Ernie, Ernie. - Yeah.

Would you do me a favor and go over to Fred Mertz

and ask him if he would lend me the sports section?

Why, sure, sure.

What's the spore session?

Uh, that is the sports section in the newspaper.

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah. All right.

Wait a minute. I seen that around here somewhere this morning.

Wait a minute.

It's right over here... Here it is right here.

[Ernie] There you are.

There.

Thank you.

Uh, Ernie, would you ask Ethel

if I could borrow her, uh, potato masher?

No sooner said than did.

- Okay. - Thank you, Ernie.

- All righty. - Thanks.

[Ernie] Well, I'll be jump-jumpin' ding dang!

He found it.

- Where did he go? - I don't know.

That's funny.

He's not there.

Where could he have gone?

You don't suppose he got so excited,

he ran down and jumped on the bus?

Not without asking me to pack him a lunch first.

Hey, I hear him coming.

Cock your pistol 'cause you ain't gonna believe this nohow.

- What happened, Ernie? - What happened?

I's going down the hall,

and right there on the carpet,

just as plain as the nose on your face,

was a bus ticket,

and do you know whar it was to?

- Whar? - Bent Fork!

All the way thar?

Yes, sirree, Bob.

Ain't that a coinkidinky?

Well, imagine, a bus ticket to Bent Fork!

Imagine that. I bet it made you happy finding it, huh?

Yeah, it did at first, but...

I got to thinking of the poor critter that lost it.

I said to myself,

somewhere, somebody ain't a-goin' to Bent Fork.

- Ernie, where is the ticket? - Yeah, where's the ticket, Ernie?

Well, that's the best part of it.

I run down on the street,

and the very first fella I seen

was the fella that lost the ticket.

You mean you ...

Yup. There he was in a old, poor, raggedy suit

and he looked so poorly

and I could tell he could ill afford such a loss.

My, the tears of joy run down his face

when I give him his ticket.

Ain't it wonderful how a story like that turns out?

Why, looky there. Cousin Ricky's got tears of joy

running down his face now.

Yes, well, would it be possible for you to pick it up

and fix it and get it back before my husband gets home tonight?

Well, I'd certainly appreciate it.

Thank you very much.

Lucy, did you hear an explosion a few minutes ago?

Indeed I did. It came from our living room.

It did? What happened?

Well, cock your pistol, Ethel. You're not gonna believe this.

Did you ever watch

Millikan's Chicken-Mash Hour on television?

No.

Well, there's a man named Lester Byck,

who is master of ceremonies

on Millikan's Chicken-Mash Hour

and he also comes from Bent Fork, Tennessee.

Yeah, well, go on. What happened?

Well, Ernie was watching television.

Lester Byck came on

and Ernie jumped up and hollered,

"Well, I'll be ding-danged if it ain't Cousin Lester!

Hiya, Cousin Lester!"

And he ran over and clapped him on the back--

On the tube, I should say.

- No. - Yes, and the whole set exploded.

Oh, my goodness.

You are just in time to help me clean up.

Come, girl.

Oh, Lucy!

Oh, my goodness.

Well, how's Cousin Ernie? Is he hurt?

Don't be silly.

He's on his way down to the television station

to tell Cousin Lester he's sorry he hit him so hard.

Now, that boy has got to go.

There must be some way to get rid of him.

Oh, if he just wasn't so darn nice...

As much as I want to get rid of him, I-I just couldn't hurt him.

- Oh... - Why don't you get him a job?

Oh, we thought of that, but there's only one thing he can do

and there's not much demand for a professional eater.

By the time I get that set paid for,

I'm not going to be able to keep him in groceries.

The food that that boy can put away, honestly...

- Hey, that ought to do it! - What?

I have a notion that when the food goes, so will Cousin Ernie.

Of course!

- I'll tell him we're broke. - Yeah.

- I'll tell him that Ricky lost his job. - Yes!

- Will you help me? - Sure!

Listen, here's what I want Fred and you to do.

♪ From the great Atlantic Ocean To the wide Pacific shore ♪

♪ To the green old flowin' mountains ♪

♪ To the south bell by the moor ♪

♪ She's mighty tall and handsome ♪

♪ She's known quite well by all ♪

♪ She's a combination Called the Wabash Cannonball ♪

♪ Listen to the jingle The rumble and the roar.... ♪

Cousin Lucy!

[Lucy] Yup!

Is breakfast about ready?

Cousin Lucy, them clothes you're a-wearin'...

Oh, you noticed them.

I couldn't help it.

That sweater...

You remind me of my grandma.

Oh.

Uh, Ernie, about breakfast...

Is it ready?

Um... look, Ernie,

you know you're welcome to anything we've got, but, uh...

Come in the kitchen.

Somebody around here has been acting a hog.

No, it's worse than that, Ernie. Sit down.

There's your breakfast and lunch.

Breakfast and lunch?

Chew it slowly.

It'll last longer.

Go ahead. It ain't bad.

Will you see who's at the door, Ernie?

Uh-huh.

Hello, Ernie. Is Lucy home?

Yeah, yeah. Cousin Lucy!

Hello.

Company's dropped in!

Hello, Ethel.

You poor little thing.

We brought you some food.

Oh! Thank you.

- Thank you! - It's all right.

Bread. Flour. Milk.

You saved my baby's life.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Oh, thank you.

And I brought you an old dress of mine, darling.

Oh, you're so good to me.

Oh, it's beautiful!

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Well, it's the least we could do,

considering we got to kick you out of your apartment.

We hate to do it, but you're six months behind on the rent

- I know, please, please. - And since we heard that...

Let's not talk in front of company.

Cousin Ernie doesn't know that Ricky lost his J-O-B.

Now, darling, you know you can count on us for help.

I know. You're real, true friends.

- Thank you. - Come, Fred.

Yeah.

- Bye. - Bye.

Ah... Cousin Lucy...

Yes, Cousin Ernie?

I don't want to be a nosey parker,

and, uh, I don't understand this J-O-B,

but I think there's something wrong around here.

Whatever makes you think that?

You've got to get up pretty early in the morning

to fool old Ernie.

I think there's a polecat in the henhouse.

Well, I guess we can't keep it from you any longer.

You're right, Ernie.

Something is wrong.

Mighty wrong.

Mighty wrong.

We're broke.

Ricky's lost his job.

We're penniless.

Now, now, now, Cousin Lucy,

don't you go and take on like that.

Now, now, now, now, now.

Oh, I don't mind for myself.

I don't mind not having anything to eat,

not having anyplace to live,

but the bitterest pill of all

is not being able to afford you with us anymore.

Oh, what the hen feathers.

That's nothing to cry about.

Look, I'll just hightail it right on back to Bent Fork.

Well, maybe that would be best, Ernie.

Well, I'll go pack my other shirt.

Mama always said I had a lot of get-up-and-go,

so I'll just get up and go.

Lucy?

[Lucy] Yeah?

Hi.

- Hasn't he gone yet? - Sure.

He left an hour ago with his suitcase in his hand,

his hat on his head and a lump in his throat.

Why are you still in those clothes?

Oh, I just wanted Ricky to see how I look.

- - Oh.

Well, then you won't need our rollaway bed anymore.

No, I won't, Fred. Thank you very much.

- Let's get it out of her way. - Yeah.

I'd appreciate it. It's a might handy thing

to have around, though, I can tell you that.

- [Fred] Here we go. - [Ethel] Okay.

- Ernie! - Yep, it's me.

Cousin Fred, you might as well put that runaway bed

back where you got it. I'm a-stayin'.

But, Ernie, I told you, we're broke.

They're wiped out.

I know it. That's why I'm a-stayin'.

Cousin Lucy, I ain't a-Ieavin' you in your time of need.

I got as fer as the corner

and I stopped dead in my tracks.

It hit me like a Hickory Ball.

I said to myself, "You're a rat a-Ieavin' a sinking ship."

Oh, now, Ernie, you shouldn't feel like that.

You just go on home. We'll manage.

Sure. We'll help 'em.

You can keep the apartment for another month.

- You can go ahead home. - Yeah.

Now you all hush up.

I stayed with you while you was eatin' high on the hog

and I'm gonna stick to you while you're down around the hocks.

Oh, Ernie, really, if I could...

- Hi. - [Fred and Ethel] Hi, Rick.

- Hi, Cousin! - Hi, amigo.

What's the matter with you?

Uh, I-I-I was just telling Ernie how we were broke

and we couldn't afford to keep him here any longer

- and-and the reason that we were... - What do you mean, "broke"?

Now, don't you go puttin' on none

for me there, Cousin Ricky.

Cousin Lucy told me

all about you losing your J-O-B.

- What? - That's right.

And-and now's when you need a real friend,

and I ain't the only friend you've got neither.

What do you mean, Ernie?

Well, sir, on the way back up here,

I stopped down at the grocery store,

and the fella there was that amazed

when I told him you'd been picked cleaner

than a hound's tooth.

You told the grocery man that we were broke?

Yep, and look what he give me.

Oh, scoot over there.

This is just gonna tickle you to death.

Oh, I'll tell you, he's the nicest fella.

Here, now, there's some day-old bread.

Here's some of the canned goods

that, uh, that lost the labels off them, you know.

Uh... Ernie, the Ricardos don't, uh ...

They don't want anybody to know they're broke.

Ah! I never took no stock in foolish pride.

Now, down home, when folks got into trouble,

the neighbors all pitched in and helped,

and I'm happy to report

that your neighbors here in New York

are just as friendly as they are in Tennessee.

Why do you say that, Ernie?

I took up a collection

of all your neighbors here in this apartment.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

And look-it here.

We didn't do bad, neither.

Look-it there. Isn't that wonderful?

You know, when folks get hard up,

it's just wonderful how people...

- Hi. - Hi. How'd everything go?

All right. How's the baby?

Haven't heard a peep out of him.

- Ricky come back yet? - No.

I have never seen him so mad.

Neither have I.

He just started to shake and walked out of the door.

He didn't say a word to you, I wonder why.

He was afraid.

Afraid of what?

Afraid he might kill me.

- Where's Ernie? - I don't know.

He just said, "I got an idea," and left.

Well, everybody took their money back

and I got 42 cents left over.

Ah!

I'll bet that belonged to Ernie.

That's all the money he had left in the world.

Aw...

Oh, dear.

If I wasn't so sick and tired of him, I-I'd like him.

Well, how are you gonna get rid of him now?

I'm not even gonna try. I give up.

Oh, Lucy, he'll stay here forever.

Well, we'll get used to him through the years.

Who knows? Someday we may even adopt him.

Oh.

I got to go put my roast on.

If you need any help when Ricky comes, just yell.

All right, dear.

Here comes Ricky.

Hi.

Hi, Ethel.

Is that a smile?

Yeah.

Oh.

Well, you know, I got to thinking about it, and...

I just can't get mad at that guy.

- That's right, honey. - [Ethel] Sure.

He is so sweet and so nice.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Imagine him taking up a collection for us.

How about that?

Well, honey, I guess we'll just have to figure out

a way to get rid of him without hurting his feelings.

- That's right, honey. - I just can't do it.

No.

[Ernie] Cousin Lucy! Cousin Lucy!

Here comes my oldest boy.

Cousin Lucy, your troubles is all over.

We'uns is a-going on Millikan's Chicken-Mash Hour.

Who is "we'uns"?

Well, me and you and Cousin Ricky

and Cousin Ethel and Cousin Fred.

Now, wait. Just--just count me'uns out of you all's we'uns.

Well, now, don't say the preserves is spoilt

till you've took the lid off the jar.

What's he mean by that?

I don't know, but keep the lid on that jar.

But can't you see that this fixes everything?

They'll pay $200 for one appearance

of Ernest Ford and his four hot chicken pickers.

"Hot chicken pickers"?

- Yeah. - Oh, no, no, no.

Look, Ernie, Ernie.

Really, we don't need the money. Really, we don't.

Now, as the whale said when he seen Jonah standing on the bank,

"I ain't a-swallerin' that."

Look, Ernie, that's... It's-it's-it's very nice of you,

but we-we ain't the, uh, hot chicken pickin' type.

Then I guess I'll never get back to Bent Fork.

Why not?

Well, you see, with that $200,

that'll pay my bus fare back to Bent Fork.

Then I'll have about 175 left

and that ought to do you all about, oh, six months or so.

But... if you don't cotton to the idea,

I reckon I'll just have to set around here till I think of something better.

Ernie...

Hmm?

You mean if we, if we go on this television show with you,

you... you'll be able to go back to Bent Fork?

Right after the last twang of the guitar,

I'll be a-headin' home

quicker than a bobcat with a burr under his tail.

Ricky, what do you say?

Bring on the hot chickens and let's start pickin'.

And now, friends and neighbors,

Millikan's Chicken-Mash Hour is proud to present

for the first time on television,

a group that come clean from Bent Fork, Tennessee,

Ernie Ford and his four hot chicken pickers!

- There they are! -

[Ernie] A-one, a-two, three, four.

♪ When you live in the country ♪

♪ Everybody is your neighbor ♪

♪ On this one thing you can rely ♪

Slap my thigh!

♪ They all come to see you ♪

♪ And they never leave you ♪

♪ Saying, "Y'all come to see us By and by" ♪

♪ By and by ♪

♪ Y'all come ♪

♪ Oh, you all come and see us When you can ♪

It's for free!

♪ Y'all come ♪

Bring the pig!

♪ Y'all come ♪

♪ Ah-ha ♪

♪ Oh, you'll all come and see us Now and then ♪

[Ernie] ♪ Openhanded, headed down south ♪

♪ Get a little moonshine in your mouth ♪

♪ Chicken in a bread pan Peckin' out dough ♪

♪ Come on, boy, don't be slow ♪

♪ Grab your partner, pat her on the head ♪

♪ If she don't like biscuits Feed her corn bread ♪

♪ Hook to her belly there And hook through her bracelet ♪

♪ Come on boy, we're goin' places ♪

♪ Ah-ha ♪

A-one, a-two, three, four.

♪ Kinfolks are a-comin' ♪

♪ They're comin' by the dozen ♪

♪ Eating everything from soup to hay ♪

Hi, Cousin! Hi!

♪ Hang out after dinner there And you don't get any thinner ♪

♪ And here's what you hear them say ♪

♪ Hear them say ♪

♪ Y'all come ♪

Bring the kids!

♪ Y'all come ♪

Land o' Goshen!

♪ Oh, you all come and see us When you can ♪

♪ Y'all come ♪

Bring the pig!

♪ Y'all come ♪

Here, kitty, kitty!

♪ Oh, you all come to see us Now and then ♪

[Ernie] ♪ Jim and June and Uncle Andy ♪

♪ Cousin Pete and Aunt Mirandy ♪

♪ All the cows and chickens Miss you, too ♪

♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ Jim and June can sip some cider ♪

♪ ma and pa can ride the glider ♪

♪ Cousin Rick can yodel "Babalú" ♪

♪ Babalú ♪

♪ Y'all come ♪

♪ Babalú ♪

♪ Oh, you all come And see us when you can ♪

♪ Oh, Babalú ♪

♪ Y'all come ♪

♪ Y'all come ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, you all come and see us Now and then ♪

♪ You all come and see us now and then ♪

[Ricky] ♪ Ah-ha ♪

♪ Ah-ha ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

Lester Byck was played by Dick Reeves

and Ernie was played by Ernie Ford.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.