Original subtitles

Hi, Rick.

Oh, hiya, Fred.

What's all this stuff?

Well, it's some presents I bought for Lucy.

I'm going to take them down to the hospital this afternoon.

Oh.

See, that's a box of her favorite candy,

her favorite perfume

and how do you like this, huh?

Oh, pretty fancy.

Yeah, I want her to feel that she's getting

a lot of attention.

Hey, tell me something.

If you just had a baby,

you think this would do the trick?

Well, if I just had a baby,

I'd be getting plenty of attention.

I mean if you were a woman.

Oh, if I were a woman.

Oh, I guess so.

Let's see.

You think it clashes with my hair?

Oh, nurse.

Hi, Ricky. Is Fred...?

Oh, there you are, nurse.

Tell me, do you think they'll operate?

Yes-- on your brain, from the look of things.

[Ethel] What are you doing?

He's modeling Lucy's new bed jacket.

Give me that.

Oh. Are all these things for Lucy?

Yes. I'm going to take it

down to the hospital this afternoon.

She feels kind of depressed.

Depressed? Why?

Well, last week, one of the women had triplets,

and this week, another lady had twins,

so Lucy feels that she's shortchanged me.

Listen, don't laugh.

That's the kind of stuff

that gave her an inferiority complex before.

Oh, yeah. We don't want that to happen again.

I should say not.

Do you remember how that started?

No warning.

Out of the blue she had a full-fledged complex.

We were just sitting around telling each other stories...

That was wonderful.

I loved it.

Listen, listen, did you hear the story

about that fellow that used to take his dog

to the movie with him all the time?

- No. - No.

Well, this fellow used to take the dog to the movie with him

all the time, and they sit together,

and the dog sit there and he laughs at the all jokes

and he applauds and everything.

So, the manager of the theater saw this.

He walks down to this guy and says,

"Do you mind telling me something?

Does this dog actually enjoy the picture?"

And the guy says, "Yeah. I can't understand it, either.

He hated the book."

(all laughing)

The dog read the book.

I got it, I got it.

Oh, Ricky, that's wonderful.

Want some candy, dear?

Candy, Fred?

No, thanks.

He's on a diet.

Since when?

Since now.

Oh.

Hey, talking about diets,

Did you hear the one about the fat fella

that wandered into the ladies' Turkish bath by mistake...

Fred, is this a story for mixed company?

Of course not.

And he asks about the fat fella that walked into...

Fred.

Ethel, this company isn't mixed.

It's married.

I don't care.

It doesn't sound like the kind of story he should tell

when there are ladies present.

It isn't.

It's about the fat guy that str...

Fred...

All right, I won't tell it.

Oh, darn. That's one story I hadn't heard.

Oh, well, don't be too unhappy. Ricky.

I know a joke.

You?

Yeah, and it's fit for mixed company, too.

Well, tell it anyway.

Well, it seems that this woman walked into a restaurant...

Or no, wait a minute.

Was it a woman that walked into a restaurant,

or was it a man?

Does it make any difference to the story?

No.

Well, it made a difference in my story.

Okay, Fred.

Aw, we'll say it was a woman.

This woman walked into the restaurant, and, uh...

And-and-and...

or was it a cafeteria?

Honey, it doesn't matter.

Get on with the story.

Oh, we'll say it was a restaurant.

This woman walked in to the restaurant and sat down.

Or did she stand up?

Well, she could...

Fred, you're mixing me all up.

[Ethel] Let her finish.

Um... this woman walked into a restaurant and sat down

and she ordered a steak from the waiter.

- And she said... - No, honey, no, no.

I know that story, and it wasn't a steak.

- It wasn't? - No.

Oh, it was roast beef!

- No, no, honey. - What was it?

Pork chops.

Oh, yes. Pork chops.

And she said, "I'd like two pork chops."

Oh...

Go on, honey, go on.

Well, now that I think of it, this story isn't very funny.

Well, it's a scream so far.

Oh, keep quiet, Fred.

Go on, honey.

You really want to hear it?

- Of course we do. - Sure, sure, go on.

I just can't wait till you get to the punch line.

The punch line?

The finish, honey, the finish.

It has a finish, hasn't it?

Well, I think so.

I just can't remember how it goes.

Oh...

Oh, I remember! I remember.

The woman walked into a restaurant and sat down,

and she said to the waiter,

"I'd like two pork chops, please."

And the waiter said, "Yes, ma'am."

And she said, "And not too much fat, either."

And the waiter said, "Yes, ma'am. Which way?"

Well?

Is that all there is to it?

Yeah. Pretty funny, huh?

Huh?

No?

I don't get it.

Oh, Ethel, you have no sense of humor.

She has, too. You told it wrong.

The woman said to the waiter,

"Two pork chops, and make them lean."

And the waiter said, "Yes, ma'am. Which way?"

Oh.

Well, isn't that what I said?

No.

Well, either way, it's hardly a belly laugh.

Oh, yeah, make them lean.

I forgot that little part.

Little part?

Oh, Lucy, you haven't told a story right

for your whole life.

Well!

I'm sorry I'm not Milton Berle.

Oh, honey, I didn't mean it that way.

You don't have to get your feelings hurt.

No, I've known worse storytellers than you.

Thanks a lot.

Oh, Fred, you and Ricky quit picking on Lucy.

After all, she can't help it

if she's a lousy joke teller.

Well, I can't thank you all enough.

You can just sit here

and tell yourselves hilarious jokes.

I'm going to bed.

Oh, now, honey, wait a minute. Honey!

You don't have to cry about it.

Uh, no. Who cares about telling stories?

Let's all play bridge, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

That's a good... Huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

We haven't played bridge in a long time.

Yeah, that's a wonderful idea, isn't it, Lucy?

Lucy?

Well...

Oh, good, come on.

[Ethel] Let's get it set up.

[Fred] All right.

That's a girl.

Here we go. Come on, now.

I got the table.

Can I help you with that, Rick?

Yeah, it's a new one, see?

- Oh! - Oh, look at that.

Well, you don't need any help.

[Ethel] Oh, boy!

There you go.

Rick, you sit over there.

I'd like to have Ethel as my partner

for a change tonight.

No, Ethel is always my partner.

Yeah. Why does she always have to be your partner, Fred?

Well, I'll flip you to see who gets her.

All right.

That won't be necessary.

It's pretty obvious

that no one wants me for a partner.

Now, honey, wait a minute. Where are you going?

I'm going in the bedroom and tell myself funny stories

and play solitaire.

Morning, honey.

Good morning, dear.

Here you are.

Thank you.

Ricky, I've been thinking about last night.

Yes, honey?

And you know something?

I'm not very bright.

I-I don't do things well.

Well, honey, that's not true.

You're the most wonderful, the cleverest

and the most fascinating woman I've ever met.

And I love you very much.

Really?

Of course I do.

Here's to the greatest little wife in the whole world.

Oh...

What's the matter, dear?

What's wrong with the orange juice?

It's full of seeds.

Oh, I forgot to strain it.

I'm sorry.

Oh, that's all right, honey.

Oh...

Oh, boy, these eggs look great. Mm!

What's the matter?

Nothing... nothing, dear, nothing.

Oh, I salted them twice.

I know I did.

I couldn't remember and I did it again.

Oh, what's the matter with me?

Oh, honey, they're fine.

It's just, well, you know,

I don't have a taste for eggs this morning.

I tell you what-- I'll have some toast and coffee.

Toast!

Honey, why didn't you use the toaster?

Well, it's being fixed.

I accidentally knocked it off the counter and broke it.

- Oh. - This will be all right.

I'm just scraping off the burnt part.

Sure, honey, sure.

There.

Oh, well, that's, that's all right, honey.

I'll eat something downtown.

Good-bye.

Lucy, what's the matter, honey?

I've done it again.

Chalk up another boo-boo.

Now, honey.

We might as well face it, Ricky.

I'm a big, fat flop.

Well, you are not.

I am, too.

I can't tell jokes.

I can't play bridge.

I can't get breakfast.

I can't do anything.

Oh, now, sweetheart, that's not true.

You can do a lot of things.

Name one.

Well, honey, you are very good at, uh...

Well, you're wonderful at, uh...

Now, what are you crying about?

I can't think of anything either.

Now, honey, you stop talking that way.

You're getting an inferiority complex.

No, I'm not.

Well, it sounds like it.

No, I'm not. I don't need a complex.

I really am inferior.

Oh, honey.

Lucy?

Hi, Ethel.

Hey, why are you in bed

in the middle of the day?

Why not?

Lucy, what's the matter with you?

Ethel, I'm no good.

I'm a failure.

Now, whatever made you say a thing like that?

You all told me so last night, and you were right.

Oh, we didn't mean it that way.

Why, you're a very clever person.

You can do a lot of things.

Such as?

Well, you're just wonderful at... Um...

Well, you've always been tops, uh...

Those are the same ones Ricky thought of.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

I know one thing you do better

than anybody in the whole world.

What?

There's nobody can get her hair the color you can.

Thank you.

That didn't come out

the way I wanted it to.

Neither did my hair.

Oh, come on.

Get out of that bed and get dressed.

No.

Lucy, come on and get up.

This isn't getting you anywhere.

Ethel, I've been where I'm going.

Hi, Ethel.

Hi.

Lucy, are you still in bed?

Hi, Ricky.

I thought we settled this on the phone.

I thought you were going to get up.

Well, I was going to, and then I asked myself why.

There I had me.

Now, come on, honey. Come on.

How about a kiss, huh?

No.

Why not?

You wouldn't like it.

Well, honey, you... you rest for a little bit

and I'll come back and see you later.

Good-bye.

I'm worried about her.

I'm very worried about her.

She's got the worst inferiority complex

I ever saw, the poor little thing.

I know.

I'm going to call a physio-chiatrist.

A what?

A physio-chiatrist.

A head doctor.

She's really sick.

Physio-chiatrist.

"F."

Doctor, she's just given up altogether.

She won't even get out of bed.

She doesn't think that she can do anything at all.

I see.

Well, it's just too bad that all those events

happened together the other night

and made her feel rejected.

I'll tell you what I want you to do.

Pay a lot of attention to her, flatter her...

Bring her flowers and candy.

Yeah, I tried that.

Last night I brought her a big, beautiful bouquet of flowers

and a big box of candy.

What did she say?

She said, "Now what have you done?"

And she has decided that I'm in love with somebody else.

And the worst part of it is, she doesn't blame me.

Well, I don't suppose

she'll believe she's attractive

unless the attention

comes from some outside source.

Can you think of a tall, handsome, charming man

who might be willing to play along?

No.

What about this Fred Mertz

you spoke of?

Oh, no.

Tall, handsome, charming man...

No, I can't think of anyone like that, doc.

What am I going to do?

Well, don't worry about it.

I'll find someone for you.

At, uh, 8:00 tonight,

a tall, handsome, charming man will appear at your apartment.

You introduce him as an old friend.

Call him... Chuck Stewart.

Oh, gee, that's wonderful, doc.

Thank you very much.

It's all right.

Thank you. Good-bye.

Right.

Why did you have me get my hair all fixed up

and sit out here tonight?

Well, honey, I told you, a friend of mine,

an old friend of mine, Chuck Stewart, is in town, see,

and I asked him to come over tonight.

I want him to meet you.

Why? Is he a talent scout for a freak show?

Oh, now, Lucy...

Hey, that must be him now.

Chuck Stew...

Hi, Ricky.

Hello, Chuck.

Come on in.

Uh, Chuck...

I want you to meet...

No. This isn't your wife?

Pretty awful, isn't it?

Oh, Ricky, you told me she was pretty,

but I never expected to see such a living doll!

Eh... sit down.

Won't you sit down, please?

Oh, Ricky, you always got the breaks,

but how you managed to marry

this gorgeous dream, I...

What eyes...

what lips...

what hair.

Oh, but I just met you.

I shouldn't be saying these things to you, should I?

No, but don't let that stop you.

You know, when Ricky asked me to come over this evening,

I never expected to meet anything like you.

Oh?

Uh, uh... Chuck, uh...

how's the band business been to you?

Fine.

You heard anything from the gang yet?

Nope.

Oh, I can't believe

those heavenly blue eyes.

What do you say we all watch the television?

I'm not going to take my eyes off this gorgeous creature.

Uh, let's listen to the radio.

Ah, that music makes me feel like dancing, huh?

Yeah. it makes me feel like dancing, too.

Oh, you two go ahead.

I'll watch.

Aw, come on, Mrs. Ricardo.

Now, just a minute, Chuck.

Ricky, this is part of the treatment.

- What? - Oh, that's musician talk.

I asked Ricky if he knew what this part of the beat meant.

Oh.

Let's keep things moving there.

Am I holding you too tight?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Treatment, Ricky, treatment.

Eh... I'm tired of dancing.

Let's sit this one out, huh?

The music has stopped!

Oh, I know I shouldn't say this to you,

but you're glorious.

Oh...

You're ravishing.

Oh...

You're breathtaking!

Ooh...

Now, you cut that out.

Treatment, Ricky, treatment.

What do you know about treatment?

Nothing, but every time he says it,

you let him alone.

Well, the treatment is all over with, doctor.

What?

He's not an old friend of mine.

He's a physio-chiatrist.

What?

I hired him to snap you out of your inferiority complex,

but I don't like the way he operates.

Oh, now, Ricky, you don't understand...

Good night, doctor. Come on.

Will you let me explain, Mr. Ricardo?

I understand. Don't worry.

You're highly nervous.

Never mind that stuff.

You'll get my bill in the morning.

Yeah. Good-bye.

Ay-ay.

Hey, um, I'm sorry I had to fool you like that, honey,

but, well, the main thing

is that you're okay again.

You are okay, aren't you?

Lucy?

Honey...

Come on in.

What's the matter?

What'd you want us to come on up for?

Oh, I'm telling you, I made a terrible mistake

with that doctor last night.

She's even worse today.

- Worse? - Yeah.

She hasn't talked all day.

Oh, no.

So, listen, I thought of an idea

that can snap her out of it, you know?

You know, we actually were responsible

for making her get this inferiority complex--

Telling her that she couldn't tell jokes,

that she couldn't play bridge, you know?

[Ethel] I guess you're right.

So, I figure that if we tell her just the opposite,

we can cure her.

You mean laugh like mad if she tells a joke

and fight over who's going to play bridge with her?

Yeah.

Isn't there some less painful method?

- Come on. - Oh, come on, now, Fred.

This is important.

Yeah, this has got to work.

Come on, will you.

Lucy?

Honey, come on out.

We got company!

Now, lay it on real thick, will you?

You can count on us.

Oh... Fred and Ethel.

I guess you came up to see Ricky, huh?

I'll go back in the bedroom and sit in the dark.

Oh, no.

Honey, the Mertzes came up to see you.

[Ethel] Of course we did!

Oh?

Come on, sweetheart. Come on, sit down.

Sit down, kids.

Come on.

How are you feeling, Lucy?

Eh.

Well, you're beginning to look like your old self again.

That's an awful thing to say to anybody.

Now, Lucy, don't go.

If you leave, Ethel and I might as well go back home.

We came up to see you especially.

Oh?

Yes, we did.

We were sitting downstairs after supper

and I said to Fred, "Fred, who do you think

I want to see tonight more than anybody else in the world?"

And Fred said...

"Who?"

...and I said, "Lucy Ricardo, that's who.

"Lucy Ricardo, the greatest little person

in the whole wide world."

And what did he say?

"And what did he say"?

[Ethel] Isn't she a scream?

[Fred] That's a killer.

Did I make a funny?

Did she make a funny?

Lucy, have you heard any good jokes lately?

Jokes? Oh, you know I don't tell jokes very well, Ethel.

Oh, honey, what are you talking about?

You're the greatest little storyteller in the whole world.

Since when?

Well, you've always told stories better than anybody I know.

Really?

Sure!

Well, I do know one.

Well, come on, tell us, Lucy.

- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, go ahead.

Well, it seems there were these two fellows, Pat and Mike,

and they were working together building a house,

and every time that Pat bent over to pick up something,

Mike kicked him.

I'm not finished yet.

Oh.

Anyway, Pat finally decided

to put some dynamite in his back pocket,

and he said, "The next time Mike kicks me,

he'll blow his foot off."

(all laughing)

[Ethel] Oh, that's a real gem.

That was a lollapalooza!

What do you say we all...

I know another one.

Oh.

Well, go ahead and tell it, honey. Go ahead.

Well, it seems

there was this bashful little worm

and he saw another worm and he fell in love with it,

and said, "Will you marry me?"

And the other worm said,

"Don't be silly. This is my other end."

That's all.

That's all!

Pretty good, huh?

Pretty good?

That was better than the first one!

Oh, honey, I got to hand it to you.

You're a great little storyteller.

Really? Do you really think so?

Yeah, honey.

Well, let's all play bridge.

- Yeah! - That's a great idea.

Oh, dear.

[Ricky] What's the matter, honey?

Oh, now you'll all start arguing over who has to play with me.

Why, are you kidding?

You are my partner and nobody else's.

[Fred] Now, that's not fair, Ricky.

You get Lucy for a partner all the time,

and tonight I want her.

No. Tonight it's men against women.

Lucy, you're my partner.

Oh, now I'm not going to argue with you.

No, no, no, no. I want to play with Lucy.

Aw, Ricky...

Fellas, fellas, fellas, don't fight over me.

We can sort of take turns.

You can sort of share me.

- Sort of share! - All right.

All right, all right.

Just so I can play with her a little bit, that's all.

Here we go.

You got the chairs and stuff, Fred?

- Yeah. - All right.

Gee, I feel so much better now.

You liked my jokes

and you want me for a bridge partner--

The next thing I know,

you'll be asking me to sing.

Don't you want to hear me sing?

- Sing? - Sure, honey.

Do we?! Oh!

Oh, come on, sing us a song, honey.

♪ Who stole my heart away? ♪

♪ Who makes me dream all day? ♪

♪ Dreams I know will... ♪

Oh, I feel so much better now.

♪ ...ever be blue ♪

♪ Who means my happiness? ♪

♪ He... ♪

The part of Dr. Stewart

was played by Gerald Mohr.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.