Original subtitles

Westinghouse,

first with the future,

presents...

The Lucille Ball-Desi Arnaz Show

with special guest stars Ernie Kovacs and Edie Adams,

and, of course, Vivian Vance, William Frawley and Little Ricky.

- Hi, honey. - Hi.

- [Fred] Hi, Lucy. - We're going down to the village.

Want to come along?

No. Ricky'll be home soon.

I'd better hang around.

What's the matter? Can't he open the door by himself?

He's been very depressed lately.

I just like to be here when he gets home.

Is business at the club bad?

No, business at the club is all right.

It's just that he hasn't had any movie or television offers in such a long time,

he's beginning to think maybe he's in the wrong business.

[Fred] Well, if he's smart, he'll do what I did.

I got out of the business the day vaudeville died.

Vaudeville didn't die, you beat it to death.

Gee, Lucy, you'd think there'd be a part for him on some TV series.

Do you know that he hasn't even had an offer

to stand up in the audience on The Ed Sullivan Show?

Listen, instead of going to the village,

why don't you stay here and wait for Ricky to come home

and help me cheer him up, huh?

- Sure. - All right.

Okay, let's have a cup of coffee.

- Fine. Thanks. - All right.

Gee, honey, I'm sorry to hear he's so depressed.

Oh, you don't know what I've been going through.

It's just been terrible.

Here you are, Fritz.

How do we cheer him up?

Oh, just smile and be gay.

Act happy.

For Fred, that's quite an acting job, girl.

Boy, this is pretty strong coffee.

Oh, that's one of Little Ricky's jokes.

Every time he gets his allowance,

he runs right down to that magic shop.

- There's another spoon over there, Fred. - Thanks.

I think that's cute.

He got his allowance again this morning.

Heaven only knows what he'll come home with this time.

Oh, that must be Ricky.

Smile, be gay.

Well, you can wipe those grins off your kissers.

It isn't Ricky.

It's Little Ricky.

And he's getting out of a long, white, Continental limousine.

[Ethel] A what?

Just how much allowance do you give that kid?

- It belongs to Ernie Kovacs. - Oh.

And a chauffeur, too.

Well, naturally. When you spend that kind of dough,

they probably throw a chauffeur in as standard equipment.

The Kovacs' daughter, Kippie, goes to Little Ricky's school.

Sometimes when the chauffeur brings her home,

he brings him home, too.

Well, I'm glad of Little Ricky running around with rich gals.

I wish I had.

I wish you had, too.

You two.

- Hi, honey. - Hi.

Hello, Crandall.

- Hi, Ricky. - Good day, madam.

- Uh, Crandall, this is Mr. and Mrs. Mertz. - [Ethel] How do you do?

- How do you do? - How are ya, Crandall?

That's some boat you got there.

What kind of mileage do you get?

Very good, sir. Are you thinking of buying one?

Ha!

Mommy, can I go to Kippie Kovacs's house to play?

How about practicing your drums?

I'll practice before dinner when I get home.

- All right, I guess that's okay. - Thanks, Mommy.

- - Oh, excuse me. That's my back door.

Excuse me, that's not the back door.

It's the phone in the car. Good day.

Nice to have met you.

Come along, young man.

A phone in a car!

That's what I call luxury.

Oh, wouldn't I love to have a limousine with a telephone in it.

Well, I'll make a deal with you, Ethel.

You buy the limousine, and I'll get you the phone.

Oh.

- - There's Ricky's car.

Smile. Smile now.

[Ethel] Hi, Rick.

- Hi. - Hi, Rick.

[Ethel] Nice day. My, you look nice today.

- [Fred] Hi, old boy. - [Lucy] How are you, sweetheart?

[Fred] Hi, Ricky.

Imagine that producer wanting me to audition my act

for his television show.

The day I have to audition

is the day that I get out of this business.

For two cents, I'd move right back to Cuba.

Now can we stop smiling?

Cuba? He's in worse shape than we thought.

Oh, that. He always threatens to go back to Cuba when he's upset.

What are you doing back here so soon?

I had a fight with Kippie Kovacs.

How many times have I told you not to fight with girls?

Especially rich ones.

She said her daddy was a bigger star than my daddy.

Is he?

Not to us, he isn't.

Now go practice your drums.

Don't include me in that "us."

Ernie Kovacs is a bigger star than Ricky Ricardo.

- [Ethel] Oh, Fred. - Fred, shush.

How do you think he got that car?

Saving cigar coupons?

[Ethel] Honestly, Fred.

In fact, I saw in the paper this morning

where Ernie Kovacs has signed

to do ten big television shows this season.

Maybe he could find a spot for Ricky.

Yeah. He's looking for acts, and he's holding auditions.

- I'll go get the paper. - Yeah, Fred, go get the paper.

Gee, this may be just the perfect chance for Ricky.

I don't know. You heard what he said about auditioning.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Gee, if there was just some way I could get Ricky to audition

without his knowing it.

What do you have in mind, hypnosis or novocaine?

You know, I could ask the Kovacs over here for dinner tomorrow night.

And then while we're sitting around, having coffee,

I could say, "Let's have a little entertainment."

And then I could suggest that Ricky play his guitar and sing.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

Won't he get suspicious if you suggest he sing?

Oh, yeah, I guess you're right. Who else is there?

Me, I could do it.

- You? - Yeah, me.

Say, uh, where is it again we're going for dinner?

- The Ricardos. - The Ricardos? What kid is he?

Oh, their little boy goes to school with Betty and Kippie.

In fact, he's one of Kippie's best friends.

Yeah, all of Kippie's friends are her best friends.

Which one is he?

He's the one that twisted her arm and kicked her in the shins yesterday.

Oh, that best friend.

Oh, Kippie was very friendly, too.

She scratched his face and pulled out a handful of his hair.

Then why are we going over there?

For a summit meeting?

Oh, Ernie.

Well, what are you doing?

Getting together a few props.

You know how it is when you go to somebody's house,

they ask you to entertain all the time.

Oh, not tonight they won't.

Mr. Ricardo is an entertainer himself.

- Oh, is he? - Hmm.

What's he do?

He's Ricky Ricardo, the bandleader.

Well, you know, the one that plays the bongo drums.

Yeah, yeah, that one.

We used to call him the Cuban Krupa.

What's he doing now?

He owns a nightclub in New York.

I'm sure we'll be asked to entertain.

A performer feels he's insulting another one

if he doesn't ask him, you know.

That's your opinion,

but what are you doing with my sheet music?

Oh, you don't think you're gonna get off scot-free, do you?

I got these. I'll put this in the garage.

I'm sure they'll ask you to sing.

Now, aren't you jumping to conclusions?

I mean, now, if one plumber goes to visit another plumber,

do you think he takes along a monkey wrench,

and they spend the whole evening fixing leaky faucets?

I don't know, I've never been a plumber.

But after last month's bill, I wish I were.

W-W-What are you doing now?

I got a big day tomorrow, I'm getting out early.

- I'll set this at 10:00. -

- When it goes off, we can leave. Hmm? - Oh.

Well, but 10:00? Now, isn't that a little rude?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess you're right.

I'll make it five after 10:00.

- -

- - Oh, Ernie.

Oh, Edie, it must be a load of fun being married to a comedian.

You'd think so, wouldn't you?

Ernie, would you like a cigar?

Oh, yeah.

Uh, have one of mine.

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

Uh, while we're all sitting around doing nothing,

how about some entertainment?

[Lucy] Yeah, let's have some entertainment.

[Ernie] Well, I'm not that used to entertaining in the living room,

but I did bring along some props to do a couple of magic tricks.

Edie, is he as comical at home as he is on television?

Yes, but the only trouble is at home, I can't turn him off.

Oh!

- Here we are. - [Ethel] Oh, look.

These are just plain cards.

[Ricky] You want it right here, Ernie?

- [Ernie] Yeah, that'll be fine. - [Ricky] Okay.

- How do you like the act so far, folks? -

I haven't done anything.

Excuse me, I'm sorry.

- I'll just set this up. - Oh, okay.

This is how the first one goes.

Now, let's see.

Now wait.

- [Edie] Very good so far. - [Ricky] Yeah, good.

All right. Now, then.

Wait, here's another one.

Watch this.

I'll just put this here. Yep.

[Edie] Beautiful.

- Now... ...there. - [Edie] He's drawing our family.

[Ernie] Takes a little time, but it's worth it.

Thanks, thanks for the ice.

- Oh, that was wonderful. - That was very good.

Yeah.

Oh, uh, how about, uh, a song?

- Somebody sing a song. - [Lucy] Yeah, let's have a song.

[Ernie] Well, Edie, I guess you're on.

You just have to bring your music.

Oh, but I can't sing. I don't have any accompaniment.

- Does anybody play the piano? - I do.

[Edie] Oh, oh, all right.

I don't know how good a voice we are tonight, but...

Ha!

All right, Ethel?

♪ I can only give you love That lasts forever ♪

♪ And the promise to be near Each time you call ♪

♪ And the only heart I own ♪

♪ For you and you alone ♪

♪ That's all, that's all ♪

♪ I can only give you Country walks in springtime ♪

♪ And a hand to hold When leaves begin to fall ♪

♪ And a love whose burning light ♪

♪ Will warm the winter night ♪

♪ That's all, that's all ♪

♪ There are those, I am sure ♪

♪ Who have told you ♪

♪ They would give you The world for a toy ♪

♪ All I have are these arms ♪

♪ To enfold you ♪

♪ And a love ♪

♪ Time can never destroy ♪

♪ If you're wondering ♪

♪ What I'm asking in return, dear ♪

♪ You'll be glad to know That my demands are small ♪

♪ Say it's me that you adore ♪

♪ For now and evermore ♪

♪ That's all, that's all ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ Yes, I love you ♪

♪ That's all ♪

Bravo! Bravo!

[Ricky] Ah, she sings a great song. That was beautiful, honey.

[Edie] Oh, thank you.

Oh, um, how about someone from some other family?

Yeah, there's a lot of talent around here.

Well, if you insist.

♪ Come to me, my melancholy baby... ♪

Fred. Fred.

♪ Cuddle up and don't... ♪

Fred.

When I said someone from some other family,

I wasn't thinking of you.

Sit down.

- Good night, Mommy. - Oh, good night, dear.

- Good night, Daddy. - [Ricky] Good night, Son.

Good night, everybody.

- 'Night, son. - [Ethel] Good night, dear.

There, let's see, now, where were we?

Oh, yes, um, how about someone from the Ricardo family?

[Lucy] Oh, boy, that's a good idea.

Oh, that's right. Kippie told me how beautifully your son plays the drums.

[Ernie] Oh, does he?

- Yes. - I'd love to hear him.

Oh, Son?

I'd love to.

Then come on down.

Not only does he play good, but he's a ham, too.

Would you like an encore?

No, no. You go on up to bed, go on.

- Good night, dear. - Good night, honey.

- You go right to bed now. - [Ricky] Good night, partner.

Uh, let's see now.

There must be someone we haven't heard from.

Yes, there certainly is.

Ooh, but I've got a big day tomorrow.

B-B-But, but it's only five past 10:00.

I know, but, uh, I'm holding auditions for my new television show in the morning.

I've got to get into New York pretty early.

Oh, we're sorry, it's been a wonderful time tonight.

[Ricky] Glad to have you with us.

- I'm sorry you have to go so early. - It was nice.

He has to get up early.

- You know how it is. - I understand.

Perhaps we could get together next week.

- I enjoyed having you over here tonight. - Maybe the week after might be--

Oh, not next-- Well ...

Hey, maybe we can play golf next week, Ernie.

- Yeah. Great, great, Rick. - Okay.

- Good night. - [Ernie] Good night.

Good night.

Sure nice people, aren't they?

- Yeah. - He's a funny guy.

Well, it's past my bedtime. I'm going to hit the hay.

You run along. I'll help Lucy.

- Good night. - Good night, Bing.

- Good night, Fred. - 'Night.

Good night, Fred.

I'm tired, too. I think I'll go to bed.

Okay, dear.

- Good night, Ethel. - Good night, Ricky.

- Good night, sweetheart. - Good night.

I hope you sleep well.

Pleasant dreams.

What's the matter with you? Can't you do anything right?

Well, if you don't like the way I was handling things--

- - When I ask you to do something,

why don't you try to do it the way I ask you?

Hello?

Lucy, Ernie Kovacs calling.

Ernie, don't tell me you're home already?

No, no, no, I'm calling from the car.

Listen, I just had a thought that was so exciting,

I couldn't wait to call.

How do you think Ricky would feel about appearing on my television show?

Are you kidding?

He'd love it! Hold on a minute.

Ricky! Ricky!

- What's the matter? - It's Ernie Kovacs.

He wants you to be on his new television show.

You get the details, I'll get my pants.

When do you want him, Ernie?

Sometime next week.

Next week? Oh, wonderful.

Bring him into the office Monday,

right after he gets out of school.

Yeah, okay, I'll bring him around right after he...

Uh, oh. Oh, uh...

He'll be there.

Lucy, that son of yours is going to be a star.

I'm glad you think so, Ernie. Goodbye.

Bye-bye.

What did I tell you?

I don't have to audition to get a job for a television show.

- Didn't I tell you that, huh? - That's wonderful, Ricky.

Yeah, that's what you said all right, honey.

I'm going to get Fred. This calls for a celebration!

Yeah, go get him. Hurry back, Ricky, huh?

- [Ethel] A big celebration. - [Ricky] All right.

Oh, Lucy, isn't this great?

Yeah, great.

What's the matter with you?

I thought it was Big Ricky that Ernie wanted,

and it's Little Ricky.

Oh, Lucy.

Oh, how are you going to tell him?

Oh, I'll never be able to tell him.

Look, maybe if I tell Ernie that the two Rickys do an act together,

then maybe he'd hire both of them.

I'll go over and talk to Ernie the first thing in the morning.

Oh, gee, honey, I hope it works.

- How about it? - Come on!

Come on, gang. Champagne's on me!

- [Ricky] I'll get the glasses. - [Fred] Right.

Fred, where did you get that?

Somebody gave it to us for our wedding,

and I've been saving it for a happy occasion.

But that was 25 years ago.

I knew if we waited long enough, we'd find something to be happy about.

- Here, give me. Give me that. - You do it.

- I'm an expert. Come on, baby. - You do it, Rick.

- Hi, Edie. - Oh, hi, Lucy.

I'm sorry to bother you so early in the morning,

but I'd like to talk to Ernie.

So would I.

But nobody talks to Ernie before coffee.

Unless you have two heads

and you don't mind having one of them bitten off.

Oh. When is he having his coffee?

He isn't. He's in such a foul mood this morning, he's skipping it.

Well, I've just got to talk to him before he leaves.

Oh, Lucy, you couldn't have picked a worse morning.

The plumbing's on the fritz again,

and he's in the kitchen with the tea kettle, shaving.

Oh, well, I just gotta take a chance.

I must warn you,

he'll probably growl at you like a mad dog.

Oh, nobody can be that bad.

Maybe not, but I hope you carry a bone in your purse.

Ernie?

Mr. Kovacs?

- Mr. Kovacs. -

Oh, I'm terribly sorry to barge in on you like this,

especially before you've had your coffee,

but this is terribly important, and I ...

Mr--

Mr. Kovacs, I just must talk to you.

Mr. Kovacs.

Look, Mr. Kovacs.

I-I-I'm delighted that Little Ricky is going to be on your program,

and I know that he's going to do

- a wonderful job for you. - Sheesh.

You see, there's-- there's just one little thing

that I'd like to discuss with you.

You see, my husband Ricky, although he's doing very well in business,

- and he's very successful-- - May I have the cream, please?

Oh, I thought maybe the cat had your tongue.

- You see, my husband, even-- - The cream.

- What? - The cream, back of you.

Oh. Oh.

This is the same kind of cream that Ricky uses.

I'll shake it for you.

Listen, now, uh,

Ernie, what I wanted to discuss with you is this.

I'm delighted that Little Ricky is going to be on your program,

and I know he's going to do a wonderful job for you,

- but you see, my husband-- - That's enough.

Enough! I haven't even started yet.

- No, shaking the cream. - My husband--

Oh! Oh, for heaven's sakes.

Let's see now, where was I?

- - Oh!

- I guess maybe I shook it too much. - Yeah.

- I'm sorry. - Towel, please.

- Hmm? - Towel!

Towel. Yeah.

Uh. Oh, here you are.

I'm terribly sorry. I had no idea.

I have never had occasion to shake Ricky's can like that...

I, uh...

Well, now, that's probably the shirt you were going to wear, huh?

- Yes. - I'm sorry.

- Would you please leave? - I-I thought that it was a towel.

- What? - Would you please leave?

Well, I-I did want to...

- Out! - ...about my husband!

I, uh-- Could I fix you some coffee?

Out! Out!

My purse.

He just wouldn't listen.

Anyway, one thing led to another,

and all of a sudden...

He tried to cut your throat?

- He almost cut his. -

- - Oh, dear.

Quiet. Ricky's still upstairs asleep.

He was up half the night celebrating.

Poor guy. How are you going to break the news to him?

I don't know.

I'll never be able to tell him

that Ernie would rather hire Little Ricky and not him.

[Ethel] Oh, dear.

- Wha-- -

I heard everythin'.

Everythin'?

I knew it.

I'm through. Finished.

Oh, now, honey.

I will be known as the father of Ricky Ricardo Junior.

Oh, now, dear, remember what you always say.

There's no business like show business.

Where I really belong is on my uncle's tobacco plantation

in Cuba.

There he goes, back to Cuba again.

The way he keeps saying that,

you'd think when he first came over here, he'd bought a round-trip ticket.

Oh, good morning, Crandall.

Good morning, Mrs. Ricardo.

Your purse.

Oh. Oh, thank you.

I'm always misplacing it.

Mr. Kovacs asked me to come in and get the cigar case he left here last night.

Oh.

He said he left it on the coffee table.

Oh, well, you don't have to wait, Crandall.

I'll get it and bring it out to Mr. Kovacs.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Ricardo, Mr. Kovacs gave me strict orders

I was to bring the cigar case out personally.

Oh.

Oh, all right.

It's empty.

I think I'll give Mr. Kovacs a little present.

There.

Would you give that to Mr. Kovacs with my compliments.

Thank you.

I haven't given up on him yet.

Good thinking, girl.

Maybe a good cigar will get him to forgive me.

- Good morning. - [Lucy] Oh, good morning, dear.

Your breakfast is ready.

- Okay, Mommy. - Don't go away, Ethel.

- Oh, boy! - Oh, boy, what?

Daddy must have taken the exploding cigars I put in here.

Exploding cigars?

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Ernie!

Ernie!

Ernie, don't!

- -

Don't what?

Don't light your cigar.

Thanks for warning me.

You're welcome.

Here are your groceries.

Thanks, Ethel.

What are you doing?

Ricky wrote a letter to his uncle Carlos in Cuba

and asked me to mail it.

Did he also ask you to knit it?

I want to read it.

This has replaced the old-fashioned steam method.

I wonder if J. Edgar Hoover knows about this.

Where did you ever learn to do that?

I saw someone do it in an Alfred Hitchcock movie.

A spy?

No, a housewife.

"My dear Uncle Carlos,

forgive me for writing in English,

but it has been so long since I have written in Spanish

that it is much..."

Ethel, can you make this word out?

I have more trouble reading Ricky's handwriting.

It looks like I-Z-Z-Y-E-R.

Oh, "izzyer."

"It is much easier to write in English."

- Oh. - He writes worse than he talks.

"You were right, Uncle Carlos.

Anyone who goes into show business is loco de la cabeza."

That means crazy in the head.

I know.

"If your offer to let me run your tobacco plantation is still open,

I am ready to move back to Cuba."

"Your loving nephew, Enrique."

Oh, Lucy, I'll never see you again.

Oh, now, Ethel, I have no intention of moving to Cuba.

How are you going to avoid it?

By making one last stab at trying to talk to Ernie Kovacs.

If you think he'll listen to you after what you did you him,

you're loco and you're cabeza.

Well, I've got to try.

Look, in the first place,

deep down, Ricky really loves show business.

In the second place, this is our home.

In the third place, can you imagine Little Ricky on a tobacco plantation

raising exploding cigars?

- Come on, Ethel, make yourself useful. - How?

While I'm over at the Kovacs', trying to talk to Ernie,

you figure out how to sneak this back into the envelope.

But I never saw that movie.

Yes?

Edie, it's Lucy.

Is Ernie home?

No. Come on in.

- Hi. - Hi. Want some coffee?

No, thanks.

Oh, well, what's on your mind, Lucy?

Uh, how can I get in touch with Ernie? I just gotta talk to him.

Well, somehow, I have the feeling that Ernie doesn't want to talk to you.

Yeah, I guess he must be pretty angry.

No, as matter of fact, he was quite calm.

When he left the house this morning,

he kissed me goodbye and he said,

"Darling, if I ever see that Ricardo woman again,

I'll kill her."

Oh, dear.

I didn't know that cigar was an exploding cigar.

Almost blew off his mustache.

Oh, my gosh.

[Edie] But it's all right.

He's touching up the bare spots with black shoe polish.

Look, I'll do anything, I'll apologize to him,

but I've just got to talk to him.

Well, Ernie won't be home until Monday,

but maybe by then he'll be all cooled off.

Oh, I hope so.

You see, Ricky and Little Ricky do an act together,

and I've just got to have Ernie hire both of them.

Oh, dear, but Ernie's spending the weekend upstate

at his sponsor's country club.

They're doing the final casting for the show.

Oh, Edie, then Monday will be too late.

Oh, now, Lucy, it can't be that bad.

Yes, it is.

If Ricky doesn't get this job,

he's taking the whole family, and he's quitting show business,

and he's moving us all down to a tobacco plantation in Cuba.

Well, that sounds pretty drastic.

If it takes me as long to learn Spanish as it took Ricky to learn English,

I'll-- I'll-- I won't have anybody to talk to the rest of my life.

Lucy, I know just how you feel.

- Why, did you ever live in Cuba? - No.

But being married to Ernie is like living on a tobacco plantation.

Oh, you poor thing.

And all these years you've been suffering silently.

What we wives don't go through for our husbands.

You know, it certainly is nice being able to talk to you like this, Edie.

Oh, and it's nice being able to talk to you.

Pardon the interruption, madam.

I'm just about to leave for the station to pick up Mr. Kovacs

and take him to the country club.

I should be back about midnight.

Is there anything I can do before I go?

Uh, no, thank you, Crandall.

I'll get Mr. Kovacs's luggage and put it in the car.

Oh, fine.

Edie, did Crandall say he was picking Ernie up at the station?

Mm-hmm.

Gee, if I could just get to talk to Ernie in the car,

I know I could convince him to hire Ricky.

What makes you think he'll let you in the car?

How would Crandall like the weekend off?

Oh, he'd love it, but...

Madam.

Thank you, Crandall, for the ride.

It's quite all right.

- [Ethel] Lucy, you look wonderful. - Thanks, Ethel.

Yeah, you ought to grow a mustache.

Very funny.

Hey, now, don't forget.

You're gonna have Little Ricky over for dinner tonight.

Uh, right, and I'm supposed to ask Big Ricky over, too.

Yeah, and I'm supposed to be at the PTA meeting.

- Gotcha. - Okay.

The Supreme Allied Command had less complicated plans

when they invaded the continent.

Look, Fred, all you have to do is keep quiet in front of Ricky.

Yes, Fred.

Well, let's go home.

Home? What did we come all the way down here for?

Because all my life, I've wanted to ride

in a great big limousine driven by a chauffeur.

Oh, for corn's sake.

How are we supposed to get home?

In a taxi.

You had your dream for today, Ethel.

We're walking.

He's got no class.

Hi, Crandall.

How do you do?

How are things, what's new?

Not very much, actually.

You know, Crandall, your voice sounds different.

Oh?

What's the matter, you got a cold?

Uh, yes, as a matter of fact, I have a beastly cold.

Why don't you see a doctor?

Oh, did that, you know, did that.

He says I'm full of germs.

Nasty, contagious germs.

See you around, Crandall.

Cheerio.

Never mind, Crandall, I'll get it.

Yeah, thank you.

You sure it's all right for me to come along now?

Oh, sure. Besides, I'm very anxious for you to meet my sponsor.

Yeah, I'd love to meet him.

Say, listen, instead of driving back with Crandall tonight,

why don't you stay for the weekend? I've got plenty of clothes.

Thanks. I was sure lucky to bump into you on that train.

Yeah, I didn't know that you and Little Ricky did an act together.

I wouldn't have waited till now to sign you for the show.

[Ricky laughs] Well, that's very nice of you, Ernie.

And listen, don't you worry about Lucy.

I guarantee you she will never come near you again.

[Ernie] Well, I don't mean to be a villain, Ricky.

Uh, Lucy's a lovely woman.

And a wonderful, wonderful wife.

Yeah, but sometimes she acts a little, uh ...

Yeah, uh, poquito loco de la cabeza.

That's Spanish for a little crazy in the head.

Well, I wouldn't say that.

Why, don't you agree with me?

Yeah, but I can't speak Spanish.

Well, I'll tell you, I'll make you a deal.

[Ernie] Yeah?

[Ricky] If Lucy comes near you one more time,

you can fire both Little Ricky and me.

Oh, you don't have to go that, uh ...

No, you wouldn't have to, uh...

You got a deal.

Ah, I bet she's gonna be happy

when she hears that I'm going to do the show

with you and Little Ricky, though.

Why don't you call her?

I-I tried calling from the station, but nobody's home.

A wife's like a policeman.

Whenever you want them, you can't find them.

Look, I'll call Edie and, uh, tell her to give Lucy the news

and tell her you won't be home for the weekend.

[Ricky] Oh, good.

[Ernie] Mobile operator.

Hey, Crandall.

Uh, naturally, all this talk about my wife being a little peculiar,

let's just keep it between the three of us, huh?

Edie, it's Ernie, I'm calling from the car.

Listen, I bumped into Ricky Ricardo,

and he's going to do my show with me.

Yeah, he and his little boy do an act together.

Well, then, Lucy didn't have to talk to you at all

about getting a job for Ricky.

No.

Oh, what a shame.

And she went to all that trouble

dressing up like Crandall for nothing.

Yeah, well, um...

Yeah, well, you, uh, you call Lucy and, uh, tell her the news

and tell her that Ricky won't be home till Monday.

Lucy's right there in the--

Did you hear what I just said?

Yeah, that's right, darling.

Bye-bye.

Oh, uh, Crandall, the motor sounds a little strange to me.

You'd better stop and look under the hood.

Motor sounded fine to me.

There's nothing wrong with the motor.

Take a look at Crandall.

- Yeah? - Uh-huh, take a good look.

Ay-ay-ay-ay.

What is Lucy doing here?

I guess she was going to try to talk to me about hiring you for the show.

Well, a deal's a deal.

I guess I'm fired before I start.

Ah, forget it. You're still with the show.

Well, that's very nice of you, Ernie.

I got to teach that woman a lesson.

She's only trying to-- trying to help, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Trying to help me.

Yeah, she was only trying to help me

when she almost made you cut your throat.

She was only trying to help me

when she gave you a cigar that exploded in your face.

If she doesn't stop trying to help me,

you're gonna wind up in the hospital.

Maybe you ought to teach her a lesson.

You want to join the faculty?

- Well... - We'll just have a little fun with her.

Okay, professor.

Find anything wrong with the motor, Crandall?

No, sir.

Sounded to me like the motor is missing.

No, sir, it's not missing. It's still there.

Uh, your voice sounds different, Crandall.

I have a cold, sir.

You didn't have it this morning.

- No, sir. - When did you get it?

Oh, just now, when I was looking at the motor, sir.

Breeze from the fan, you know.

Say, um, Ernie, this is, uh, quite a car.

How many cylinders does she have?

I don't know, Ricky.

Uh, how many cylinders, Crandall?

Cylinders?

Yeah, Crandall, how many cylinders does she have?

Would you like to hear some music, sir?

No, no radio, Crandall. I don't want to hear any music.

Well, how about the 7:00 news?

It's only 6:00.

Well, maybe it's on early.

[Ernie] Get my luggage, Crandall.

And don't forget the golf clubs.

No, sir.

Good evening, Mr. Kovacs.

Mr. Allworth called and said he'd be delayed until morning.

Well, that's the sponsor.

- Well, you'll meet him tomorrow morning. - Sure.

Gives us a little more time to have some fun with Crandall.

- Here's your key, Mr. Kovacs. - Thanks.

Where are you trying to get to, sir?

Butterfingers.

I'm sorry, sir.

Goodbye, sir. See you Monday, sir.

Hey, just a minute.

Look, I-I know it's none of my business, but, uh,

it doesn't seem quite fair to have Crandall

drive all the way back this late at night.

You're absolutely right.

I've been a cad, Crandall.

You'll stay here tonight and drive home in the morning.

Um, thank you, sir,

but I couldn't possibly stay overnight, sir.

Why not?

Um, I have a date, sir.

- A date? - Yes, sir.

You, a married man with six children?

I have a date with my wife, sir.

Oh, come now, Crandall.

Don't tell me you have to make a date with your own wife.

Ever since the sixth child, she's been very formal.

Well, you'll have to forget it.

You're going to stay here tonight, and that's an order.

Yes, sir.

Well, shall we go up to our room?

Sure. Why not?

Our room, sir?

Ricky, uh, you won't mind?

- There wasn't an extra room available. - Oh, it's all right with me.

- I'm sure it's all right with Crandall. - I'll sleep in the car.

Whoa. Don't be silly, you'll stay with us.

Uh, I'm terribly hungry. I'd like a bite to eat, sir.

We'll, uh, eat up in the room.

Oh, I'll eat in the car, sir.

- Uh, up in the room. - Yeah. We'll eat up in the room.

Uh, Crandall, how long have you been eating

wearing your hat and gloves?

Since I had them stolen in a restaurant, sir.

Oh.

Say, um, uh, I'm kind of beat.

I'd like to turn in.

[Ernie] Yeah. Who sleeps where?

I'll sleep in the car.

Crandall.

I'll sleep here, sir.

Well, Crandall, don't tell me you sleep in your uniform.

Why not? A good chauffeur is always ready for an emergency, sir.

Crandall, that uniform is too hot and itchy.

You'll find a pair of my pajamas hanging in the bathroom.

Crandall.

I guess he's asleep.

Yeah, he must be.

Say, Ernie, have you heard this, uh, new joke going around?

No, no, no, I haven't.

- It's a dilly. - [Ernie] Yeah?

It's this one I've heard about a traveling salesman ...

- Yeah? - ...and it, uh-- it seems that, uh,

this traveling salesman, see, he comes to this farmhouse.

And he knocks on the door and as the door opens--

By george, this is hot and itchy!

I'll scratch in the car.

Crandall!

Ricky, how long you think we should keep this up?

I-- I think she's had about enough of it.

Yeah, yeah.

Say, listen, um, that story about the traveling salesman,

uh, what's the rest of it?

Oh, there's-- there's no more to it.

I just-- I just made it up to see Lucy squirm.

That's a shame.

I like the way it started, you know.

- - Yeah?

Are you finished, sir?

- Yeah, yeah. - Yes. All right. You can take it out.

- Uh, put a tip on there. - Thank you.

- Don't overdo it. - [Ricky snickering]

[Ernie] Don't tell me,

you're wearing your cap and gloves in case you dream about driving,

you'll be dressed for it.

All right.

- Good night. -

[Ernie] Crandall, will you see who that is?

Mr. Kovacs's room. Crandall speaking.

Crandall?

Lucy, is that you?

Righto.

You mean they're still letting you play Crandall?

Yes, they are.

They're just playing a dirty trick on you.

How's that again?

Well, this afternoon when Ernie phoned me from the car,

I told him who you were.

Oh, uh-- uh, yes, yes, there are three of us.

Yes, yes, you may come right up.

Thanks very much for calling.

[Ernie] Uh, Crandall, who was that?

It was a masseur.

He's, uh, coming right up.

He's going to give us a rubdown before we turn in. I'll go first.

Lucy!

When did you find out?

Just now. That was Edie calling.

I knew it. I married a stool pigeon.

I'm sorry, Lucy, we gave you such a hard time.

Well, I guess I had it coming after the hard time I gave you.

Honest, honey, I was only trying to help.

Look, Lucy,

uh, from now on, you can help me

by not trying to help me, huh?

But thanks anyway.

- - Oh, that's lovely.

Oh, ho-ho!

You should wear it like that all the time.

- No. - That's beautiful.

Oh, oh, that tickles!

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Let me take this.

With all these exploding cigars around,

I never know when I'll need a spare.

Where you going?

Uh, I'll sleep in the car.

Thank you.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

And we would like to thank Vivian Vance, Bill Frawley, Little Ricky

and the entire cast for their performances tonight.

And of course, a very special thanks to that wonderful couple,

Edie Adams and Ernie Kovacs.

Now, um, two weeks from tonight, a very unusual drama.

You've heard about actors living their parts.

Well, Ed Wynn and his son Keenan Wynn,

will actually recreate a crisis in their lives.

It's a true story,

which we call The Man in the Funny Suit.

And in it, Red Skelton, Rod Serling and Maxie Rosenbloom

will recreate their parts in the story that reached a very dramatic climax

during the filming of one of television's greatest shows.

I would like to show you some scenes from the-- Lucy.

What?

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm trying to get to the next stage.

Betty Furness has something that's really wonderful over there,

and I want to be the first to see it.

Would you like to see it?

Honey, I'm just trying to tell the folks about our next show.

Oh, well let's take them with us.

I'm sure you'd love to see it.

Come on, you can tell them later.

Look, Desi. Isn't this beautiful?

This is the brand-new 1960 Westinghouse refrigerat--

You broke it. Refrigerators don't open in the middle.

- Do something. - Well, what--

- - Oh! What happened? What's that?

[Betty Furness] Announcing the revolutionary

new 1960 Westinghouse refrigerator.

- Let's get out of here. - Okay. Where--

- Well, hi, you two. - Hi.

And here it is.

The most revolutionary advance in refrigerators in the last ten years.

It's a Westinghouse exclusive.

The amazing center drawer refrigerator.

A center drawer in a refrigerator?

Oh, sure, Lucy. Look.

Here is the big separate roll-out drawer

set right in the middle of the refrigerator.

It's waist-high for convenience.

It makes foods easy to see and easy to reach.

And look. It's divided into two separate sections,

each with its own special temperature.

Two temperatures in the same drawer? Why?

Well, there's a special temperature in this huge meat keeper.

Now, it holds 21 pounds of meat, even hamburger,

keeps it store fresh for seven days without freezing.

21 pounds? That's enough for a whole week's supply of meat.

That's right, Lucy.

And on this side is the giant vegetable crisper,

with a different temperature

that's needed to keep all your vegetables crisp, fresh and colorful days longer.

See, that's why they needed two temperatures.

For the meat and the vegetables. See, different temperatures.

[Betty] That's right.

And, uh, look, Lucy.

You see, no matter how many times you open your refrigerator

or freezer to get foods out,

your meat and vegetables never get exposed to warm room air.

Uh, excuse me, Desi.

Up here is the huge refrigerator section.

Now, it has its own separate temperature

and even the most perishable foods can be stored here

and over here in the door, too.

And look.

It has roll-out shelves with plenty of room for everything.

And, of course, it is absolutely frost free.

- Where's the freezer area? - It's down here.

[Lucy] Oh, look how roomy it is.

[Betty] That's right. And with its own special freezing temperature.

And it's also absolutely frost free.

There's never frost on the frozen foods or on the ice trays.

Gee, frost free in the refrigerator, center drawer and a freezer, too.

Mm-hmm. Plus four separate temperatures for every kind of food storage.

But the wonderful news is the big center drawer.

And only Westinghouse has it.

Ladies and gentlemen, please consider this your special invitation

to go into your Westinghouse dealer tomorrow

and see the revolutionary new exclusive Westinghouse center drawer refrigerator.

You'll discover that this refrigerator was designed and built

to fit your needs.

Well, it certainly is marvelous, Betty.

I hope you folks see it soon.

And it's the wonderful products and marvelous advances,

like the revolutionary center drawer,

that stand behind us when we say...

for quality, for features, for value, you ca--

Desi, would you like to say--

You can be sure if it's Westinghouse.

I'm sure you won't want to miss this very wonderful and very unique drama.

Until two weeks, then, and The Man in the Funny Suit,

starring Ed Wynn and Keenan Wynn.

Good night, everybody.

The Westinghouse Lucille Ball-Desi Arnaz Show.

Directed by Desi Arnaz.

Written by Bob Schiller and Bob Weiskopf.

Script consultants, Madelyn Martin and Bob Carroll Jr.

Produced by Bert Granet.

Executive producer, Desi Arnaz.

Others in tonight's cast were Paul Dubov,

Norman Leavitt, Louis Nicoletti and Dick Kallman.

Red Cross is you, your family, the neighbor next door.

Red Cross is all the good things that happen when you give.

Make the good things happen. Give to your 1960 Red Cross fund.

Don't forget, two weeks from tonight,

the Westinghouse Desilu Playhouse will present The Man in the Funny Suit,

starring Ed Wynn and Keenan Wynn

with special guest appearances by Red Skelton and Rod Serling.

The Westinghouse Lucille Ball-Desi Arnaz Show

is a Desilu Production brought to you by Westinghouse

and filmed by Desilu.