Original subtitles

Westinghouse, first with the future...

presents The Lucille Ball-Desi Arnaz Show,

with special guest star Milton Berle,

and, of course, Vivian Vance, William Frawley and Little Ricky.

Costarring Larry Keating.

Hello. Is this Milton Berle's office?

I'd like to speak to Mr. Berle, please.

This is Mrs. Ricky Ricardo.

Oh, well,

even if he is busy working on his new book,

I know that Mr. Berle will speak to me.

Yes, just tell him it's Ricky Ricardo's wife.

I'm sure he's heard of my husband.

Well!

My husband will be very upset!

Goodbye!

- Lucy! -

Good morning.

What were you doing using my name to try to get to Milton Berle?

I wasn't using your name.

I was using my name, Mrs. Ricky Ricardo.

- That's my name! - Oh.

Well, you sure are grouchy this morning, Mrs. Ricardo.

Well, anyway, it didn't work.

- Maybe you ought to change your name. - Lucy!

Clark Gable. There's a nice name.

Never mind that.

Now, I want to know why you were trying to get Milton Berle.

- What do you want with him anyway? - Well, I-- I-I-I wanted to ask him

if he would emcee our Western show for our PTA benefit.

Why does it have to be you the one who has to get somebody?

Because I'm the new chairman of the entertainment committee.

Since when?

Since I promised them I could get Milton Berle.

Look,

I don't care what you promised,

but I don't want you using my name to get anybody for any benefit.

- Well-- - Do you understand?

- Yes, sir. - All right.

I gotta go to work.

Work?

At this hour in the morning?

We're doing a new show,

- so this week I'm gonna be working days. - Oh.

- - [Ethel] Lucy!

- [Lucy] Yeah? - Oh, hi.

- [Ricky] Hi. - What happened with Milton Berle?

- Did you get him? Did you get him? - No.

The secretary wouldn't even put me through to him.

Said he was working on his new book.

Oh, dear.

- Goodbye. - So long, Seymour.

Huh?

You told me you didn't want me to use your name.

Why doesn't Seymour want you to use his name?

He heard me use it on the phone

when I was trying to get through to Milton Berle.

He says it's an imposition.

Well, if you get stuck, Fred can always double as emcee.

Ethel, emcee means master of ceremonies,

not Mr. Cornball.

I guess you're right.

Well, so long.

- Where are you going? - Home.

I just came over to borrow Milton Berle's book,

but if you can't get him for the show, I won't have to read it.

The book!

Hey, Ethel, you've just given me an idea.

I'll go see Milton Berle.

And before you say, "What will Ricky say?",

remember, he didn't say that I couldn't say that I'm Lucy McGillicuddy.

Lucy, if you couldn't even get to talk to him on the phone as Lucy Ricardo,

what makes you think you'll get in to see him as Lucy McGillicuddy?

His book.

I'll tell him how much I enjoyed it, and I'll ask him to autograph it for me.

And how is all this going to get him to emcee our show?

Well, while he's signing his name,

I'll just tell him what a clever author he is

and what a funny comedian he is,

and I'll just casually mention the PTA benefit.

- Do you think it'll work? - It can't miss.

If there's one thing hammier than a comedian, it's an author,

and Milton Berle is both!

Good afternoon, Milton Berle's office.

I'm sorry, he's on the phone with Hollywood.

I'm afraid not.

There's someone with him now. There are people waiting to see him.

He's working on his new book,

and he has an appointment with his publisher, Mr. Watson.

I'd suggest you call back in about two weeks.

No, this is not a recording.

- Good afternoon. - Yes?

Lucy McGillicuddy to see Mr. Berle, please.

Oh, I'm sorry. Mr. Berle's tied up with his publisher.

- What was it in regard to? - Oh, it's in regards to his book.

- I'd like him to autograph it for me. - Oh, I'm sure he'd be happy to.

- I figured he would. - Where are you going, miss?

- Into his office. - Just a minute!

Just a minute!

I didn't mean now!

I, uh-- You just, uh... ...leave your address,

- and I'll mail it to you. - Oh, no, no! No, no.

I couldn't bear to be parted from my wonderful book.

You see, I've already read it four times.

Then why can't you leave it?

Well, it's-- it's sort of become a part of me.

I-- I take it wherever I go,

and I read it over and over and over and over. Oh, yes.

Well, all right.

If you insist on seeing Mr. Berle, but I-- I can't make any promises.

They're just wonderful, especially the last 50 pages.

Remember your promise.

We've got a deadline, and you're gonna finish this

- by the end of the week. - I guarantee it.

In case you forget your promise, remember our contract--

If you don't finish it, you'll lose half your royalties.

Oh, don't worry about that. I won't want to lose half my royalties.

And by the way, Mr. Watson,

are you sure you want me to take out that joke on page ten? It's a big laugh.

- They'll yuck, they'll scream. - Which one was it?

You know, it was-- it's wonderful.

When my mother was helping me with my homework when I was a kid,

and she said to me, "Where does milk come from?"

And I said, "Cows."

And she said, "Where does cream come from?"

And I said, "Cows."

Then she said, "Where does butter come from?"

And I said, "Butterflies."

Where did you learn that? High school?

No, elementary, my dear Watson.

- An audience. It's funny! It's funny! - It's out!

- What'd you say? - It's out!

It's out.

Uh, Mr. Watson, uh. ...

Will you do me a favor? Give Mr. Watson an envelope

- for the manuscript. - Oh, yes, sir.

- Everything will be fine. - Thank you.

Hiya, fellas. Gee, I know you guys from somewhere.

Your faces look very familiar. Where do I know you guys from?

Oh, I remember the act!

Somersault and Maugham.

What can I do for you?

We thought you could use us in the Friar show tomorrow night.

Uh, this is great, great. You have to do it tomorrow.

We'll do a routine together. Step inside, we'll work it out.

Come inside. Everything will be... That's the bit I'm gonna do with you.

Milton, this is ridiculous!

- What do you mean ridiculous? - Excuse me, Mr. Berle.

- Would you do me a big favor? - Yeah, sure.

When I told my kids I was working next door to Milton Berle,

they made me promise to get your picture autograph.

Well, fine.

Gee, where did you get this one? This is a wonderful picture.

- How did you get in here? - I came up in a cement bucket.

- 20 floors? - Oh, it's a cinch!

The crane operator swung me over to Mr. Berle's terrace, and I hopped out.

- [Watson] Incredible! - Young man, come here.

Look, to whom shall I make it out?

- To Billy... - To Billy.

Yes. Estelle, Dave,

Lawrence, Frankie, Eleanor, Bruce...

All right. I'll just make it out to "Billy and the gang."

- There you are, young man. - Oh, gee, thanks, Mr. Berle.

Do you mind if the other fellas drop in for your autograph?

- Anytime you want, young man. - Aw, gee, I'm sorry, I have to run off.

I-- My cement bucket is double parked.

Your cement bucket is double parked?

You build the buildings, I'll tell the jokes.

"Cement bucket double parked."

People come to me with the corniest jokes I've ever heard.

Jot that down, Miss Trent.

Mr. Berle...

Milton, you'll never get those 50 pages done.

One-man bands, acrobats, sandhogs, telephone...

I promise-- I promise this is the last interruption.

- You're... - Don't worry about a thing.

- I will promise-- -

[Milton] So long, kid. Anytime you want to get a picture.

Oh, this is a madhouse!

Please, Mr. Berle, this will just take a minute.

The trouble with you is you can't say no to anybody!

- Mr. Berle... - Oh, you're wrong, Mr. Watson.

I can say no. Anytime that I want to say no, I can say no.

- Mr. Berle, I'm Lucy McGillicuddy. - I'm sorry.

I just loved your book, Earthquake.

- I'm afraid not. - Since you're such a great author,

- such a funny comedian... - I can't do it! I can't do it.

- ... I'd love for you to autograph my book. - No, absolutely no!

See what I mean?

I said no, didn't I?

Oh, thank you, Mr. Berle!

- My finger, dear. My finger. - Oh.

I just loved your book.

- I thought it was wonderful. - You're very sweet.

So powerful, tense and artistic.

Powerful, tense, artistic?

Yes, P-T-A.

P-T-A.

Yes, which reminds me, we're having

- a little PTA benefit Friday night. - Oh!

Milton, the only way you'll ever meet this deadline is to hide out someplace.

- Maybe you're right. - Well, how about my place?

It's up in the country, away from things.

With your mother-in-law there all the time?

Yakety-yakety-yak.

Remember what happened to Ernest Hemingway the last time?

Three days at your house, and he fled to Cuba.

I don't care where you go,

so long as it's secluded and you won't be bothered.

I got an idea. I could stay at my mother-in-law's house.

- She hasn't spoken to me in three years. - Oh.

Milton, you've got to get away from all your friends and relatives.

Please, I don't mean to butt in, but I have a house in Westport.

Yes, madam, I'm sure it's lovely.

Yes, it is, and you could work up there every day.

Thank you, young lady, but I'm sorry, I couldn't impose upon you.

Oh, you wouldn't be imposing at all!

You could work up there every day and nobody'd ever know.

Well, thank you very much, but it's out of the question.

- Wait a minute, Milton. - What?

Mrs. McGillicuddy may have something.

Thank you very much. I can't accept your offer.

- She's a total stranger. - But that's just the point.

Because she is a total stranger,

no one will be able to find you and bother you.

That's true. That's true.

That is true.

Well, gee, I-I-I'd have to pay you for the rental of your house.

Oh, Mr. Berle, I couldn't accept your money.

The price is right.

- Okay, it's a deal. - Oh, wonderful!

Well, I've got to run.

- Thank you so much, Mrs. McGillicuddy. - Oh, it's quite all right, Mr. Watson.

Berle, don't you forget we've got a deadline!

Oh, don't worry, I'll finish it.

I'll also call you and let you know where to get in touch with me.

Fine, but be sure I'm the only one!

- Oh, don't worry, don't worry! -

Gee, young lady, I can't understand why you're being so kind and so generous.

Oh, well, it's, uh-- it's really quite simple.

You see, uh, I am a patron of the arts.

- Oh, really? - Yes, yes.

And-and whatever benefits a great author, benefits me.

Uh, and speaking of benefits,

there is a teensy-weensy little benefit at my little boy's school Friday night,

and I was so hoping you could appear.

You know, that's the sneakiest offer I've had

since Lindy promised to name a sandwich after me

- if I gave up my table near the door. -

Will you do it?

Say, if I can eat standing up at Lindy's window,

- I can surely do your benefit. - Oh, thank you!

If I finish my book in time.

You can start working there tomorrow from 10:00 to 5:00.

My husband's gone from 9:30 to 5:30.

- Good, good. - I'll give you the address.

Look, look, not a soul must know.

Not-Not even Mr. McGillicuddy.

Who?

Your husband.

Oh!

Oh, especially Mr. McGillicuddy!

Oh!

Well, bye-bye, dear.

Wait a minute. What are you doing?

I haven't finished my breakfast yet.

Boy, you sure are a slowpoke.

Listen, just because these are three-minute eggs

doesn't mean that I have to eat them in three minutes.

You better hurry, you'll miss your train.

What are you doing? I got plenty of time.

You know how these commuter trains are, honey.

- Always early. - What are you talking about?

They haven't been early in the last 100 years.

Well, there's always a first time.

All right, Lucy, now, what are you up to?

Up to?

I'm up to my neck in housework that I can't start until you leave.

All right. I shall leave as soon as I finish my coffee.

What happened to my coffee?

You drank it.

You may eat slow, but you sure drink fast.

Well, bye-bye, dear.

How do you like this--

Milton Berle is looking for a new Latin band

- for his television show. - Well, that's nice.

Maybe I could get the job.

Say, I'm sure glad that you didn't bother him anymore

about that PTA benefit.

Yeah, well.

- Yeah. - Here you are.

Goodbye, dear. Bye-bye.

I don't know why, but I get the feeling that you're trying to get rid of me.

Why, honey, how could you think a thing like that?

It's just that I love to kiss you goodbye,

and I can't kiss you goodbye until you leave.

Bye.

Ta-da-dah!

Howdy, ma'am.

Fred wants to know if this outfit is all right for our act at the PTA show.

Oh, uh, uh, yes, yes, that looks wonderful, Fred.

You just look great. Goodbye, Fred.

Come on, Ethel. I know when somebody is trying to get rid of me.

No, you don't. What do you think I've been trying to do for 25 years?

Eh.

- Goodbye, Ethel. - No, wait, I want to talk to you.

What happened with Milton Berle yesterday?

Well, he said if he finishes his new book on time,

he'll appear at the benefit.

Wonderful! How did you get him to agree?

Ethel, you ask entirely too many questions for so early in the morning.

Well, if you're gonna get nasty, I'll leave.

Good.

Well!

See you at the benefit Friday night.

Oh, no!

Good morning, ma'am.

Nothing today, thank you.

Mrs. McGillicuddy, it's me.

Oh, Mr. Berle, I'm sorry.

I-I-I didn't recognize you.

Well, I-I figured I'd wear a disguise in case you weren't alone.

Oh, I'm alone all right.

I hurried my little boy off to school,

I dashed my husband off to work,

and I insulted my two best friends right out of the house.

I'm sorry to put you through all that trouble.

Oh, no, no, not at all.

Now, I'm all set up, you can go to work right in there,

and you better get started so you can finish in time

- for the benefit Friday night. - All right. Is this the place?

Yes.

Yeah?

I just want to make sure you'd started to work.

Well, it's pretty difficult to work without this.

Oh! Oh, yeah, I guess so.

- Now what? - Coffee break.

Mr. Berle, you get right back in there, and I'll bring you some.

Oh, don't bother, I'll drink it at the table.

Now, every minute counts. Can't you drink while you work?

What is this, solitary confinement?

Now you go on, get back in there

- and get to work. - Yeah, but...

[Lucy] Uh-ah-ah-ah-ah!

Now, now!

Mr. Berle, where are you going?

I'm going down to the village to get some cigars.

Mr. Berle, how can you drink coffee,

smoke cigars and type at the same time?

It's no problem at all.

- I don't inhale. - Mr. Berle, I'll get the cigars for you.

You just get back in there and get to work.

Well, if you do get the cigars, be sure you get me a dozen of these.

- I will. - They're imported from Havana.

Yes, sir, yes, sir, I will get them.

Now, I'll bring your coffee to you.

Now, you go on in there and get to work, please.

I wonder if Carl Sandburg started this way.

Ethel, I would appreciate it if you would knock before you enter my house.

This may be the last time I ever enter your house.

My husband and I have had a discussion.

We don't like your attitude,

so we've decided we wouldn't be on your old PTA show

if you got down on your knees and begged us.

Oh, Ethel ...

I guess I have been a little on edge.

That's putting it mildly.

Well, I'm sorry.

I apologize.

In that case, I accept your apology,

and Fred and I will go on the show as scheduled.

Oh, good.

Ye-- Ethel, Ethel, just because I apologized

doesn't mean that I'm running a coffee house.

Lucy, you're acting awful peculiar this morning.

Oh, you're just being touchy.

- Goodbye, Ethel. - Wait a minute.

Where did this come from?

Havana.

No, I mean whose is it?

Ricky's.

He's from Havana too.

Ricky smokes those little thin cigars.

Oh.

Someone left it.

Who?

Who?

Yeah, who?

Oh, all right, Ethel.

You guessed my secret.

When I'm alone I smoke cigars, the big ones.

That's why I was trying to get rid of you.

Yeah, that's it.

Let's see you smoke it.

No, thanks, I-I just finished one.

I'm trying to cut down to two a day.

I won't believe you till I see you smoke it.

Uh, Et-Ethel,

uh, wou-would you give me that ashtray on the table, please?

Nothing like a good cigar, I always say.

You really like 'em, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Who's hat and coat are you sitting on?

Am I sitting on a hat and coat?

Well, what do you know.

I know they're not Ricky's.

And they certainly aren't Little Ricky's.

- Well, uh... - Don't tell me they're yours.

Why not?

Oh, you've taken up wearing men's clothes, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, I find them very warm and practical.

You know how flimsy women's garments are for these Connecticut winters.

- I'll bet they're stunning. - They look all right.

I'd like to see you in them.

All right.

Very chic.

Thank you.

Well, Ethel, now that I've answered all your nosy questions,

if you don't mind, I'd like to be alone.

- - What's that?

What's what?

- That noise. It sounds like typing. - Oh, that's me.

Didn't I tell you?

I've taken up Spanish dancing.

Since when did you take up Spanish dancing?

Since I took up cigar smoking.

Oh, that's right, they do go together.

Can't do one without the other.

Lucy... Lucy!

I accept the fact that you're smoking cigars,

wearing men's clothing and have taken up Spanish dancing,

but what are you doing with those Swiss bell ringers in the den?

Oh, all right, Ethel!

I know you'll never give me a minute's peace

- until you know who's in there. - Who? Who?

- You promise you won't tell a living soul? - I promise.

- Milton-- - Oh!

- What's Milton Berle doing in there? - He's hiding out there.

There were too many interruptions at his office,

so I made a deal with him.

He's working on his book out here.

And if he finishes it by Friday, he's promised to appear at the benefit.

- Does Ricky know? - Oh, of course not.

If anybody knows, the deal is off.

So, whatever you do, don't you tell Fred!

That blabbermouth? Don't worry.

And, Ethel, whatever you do, don't let Fred out of the house.

Oh, I won't.

Oh, cooped up with Fred Mertz for a whole week!

I may take up cigar smoking myself.

Come on in, the coast is clear.

Good, good.

Oh, uh, by the way,

Mr. Watson is gonna stop by today to see how I'm doing.

- Mr. Wat-- Oh, your publisher. - Right, right.

- Well, how are you doing? - Oh, don't worry, Mrs. McGillicuddy.

I should be finished in time enough to do your benefit tonight.

- Wonderful. - [Ethel] Lucy!

Lucy!

What's the matter?

- Who's she? Who's she? - It's all right, she knows.

[Lucy] What's the matter?

- [Milton] What's happening? - Oh!

- We gotta hide him! - Why?

Ricky's on his way and he's boiling mad!

I thought Ricky was on his way to New York.

He was, but Fred got hold of him and told him

there's a strange man coming here to see you every day!

- Oh, fine. - Ethel, how did Fred find out?

Don't look at me! You know old Peeping Fred.

Nothing gets past him.

- We gotta hide him. - Yeah. We have to hide him.

No, no, in the closet.

- In the closet. - No, over here, Ethel!

Wait a minute!

Wait a minute! This is ridiculous!

Why should I hide?

I'll just simply explain to your husband what I'm doing here.

Oh, sure, and while you're explaining, he'll be punching you right in the nose.

He has a terrible Latin temper!

Oh, I ...

McGillicuddy, Latin?

Uh, yeah, Irish Latin.

- Irish Latin? - Yeah, and they're the worst kind!

- Yeah. - You don't understand.

- There's no such-- - We have to hide him.

- We gotta hide-- - No, no, in the closet, Lucy.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

I-I still say I-I shouldn't hide.

When your husband gets here, I'll simply reason with him,

- and when I reason-- -

[Ricky] I'll kill him! I'll kill him!

Where do I hide? Where do I hide?

- In the closet! - [Ricky] I'll kill him! I'll kill him!

[Lucy] Take him upstairs! Take him upstairs!

- Take him upstairs! - Upstairs, upstairs!

Come on, we hid a horse up there once.

- - Lucy!

- Mr. Berle... - Yes, yes.

... I'm so glad to meet you. I'm Ethel Mertz.

- Will you two get up there! - Oh!

Get up there!

- - [Ricky] Lucy! Let me in!

Let me in!

Oh, hello, dear.

Out of my way!

Where is he? Where is he?

Where is who, dear?

It's ten to one he sneaked out the back way.

- Yeah. Let's go. - Right.

You're home early, sweetheart.

Psst, Lucy, we need your help. Milton's got an idea.

[Lucy] Okay.

Milton?

Milton?

Where could he be? Where could he be?

Maybe he got away.

No, he didn't have time to get away. He's gotta be here someplace.

- Go look in that closet. - All right.

Go in there. I'll go in the closet in the hall.

He's got to be here someplace.

Oh, there you are, you "hum" wrecker, you!

There must be some mistake.

You're darn tootin' there's a mistake, mister, and you made it!

Nice punching, Rick.

Come on, help me get this guy out of here before I kill him.

Get out!

Listen, you character!

Don't you ever let me catch you in here again or I'll murder you!

Yeah, remember that.

Lucy?

Where are you?

Lucy, where are you?

Lucy, I want to talk to you!

Coming, dear.

Yes, dear?

Lucy, I want an explanation of what's going on here.

Hello, Fred.

Never mind that "Hello, Fred."

All right, you heard me, Lucy! What is going on here?

Please, honey, lower your voice.

I'll explain after the company leaves.

What company?

Please, honey.

Uh, come along, Mildred, dear.

- Isn't she a lovely lady? - [Lucy] Oh, yes, she is.

Mildred, dear, this is my husband.

This is Mildred Burke.

How do you do?

Hello.

And that's my husband.

How do you do?

Hello.

Mildred just dropped by to discuss some PTA business.

That-That-That's right.

And thanks a million for allowing me to use your powder room.

My makeup was just terribly messy.

[Lucy] Oh, it was not. You look divine, Mildred.

You never looked lovelier.

Thanks.

Well, uh, it's been very nice meeting you, Miss Burke.

Thank you. Nice meeting you too.

I just adore your laughing Irish eyes.

Thank you.

And you're cute too, baldy.

Well, you're quite a looker yourself, rosebud.

Oh.

Thank you. And that reminds me--

Uh, it's too bad

- you have to run along, Mildred, dear. - Oh, yes, I have to go.

I have to leave.

Thank you very much.

My shoe.

Can't leave without my shoe.

Oh! Oh! Oh, Mr. Watson!

Mr. Watson, what happened?

Well, I ...

I just walked in here and that character punched me in the jaw.

Oh, this is dreadful.

What's the matter with you?

What do you mean what's the matter with me?

This is the man that had been coming here every day while I was gone.

He's the "hum" wrecker.

He isn't the "hum" wrecker. He is!

- He? - He!

So you're the "hum" wrecker, huh?

Ricky, you just hit Milton Berle!

- Milton Berle? - [Lucy] Yes!

He was hiding out here so he could finish his book.

It was a deal to get him for the benefit, and this is Mr. Watson, his publisher.

Ayayay.

Mr. Berle, Mr. Berle, are you all right?

Are you all right?

I'm all right, but Milton will never be the same.

Hi.

Hi, Ethel.

Honey, don't take it so hard.

I can't get over how mad Ricky got.

You know, I really can't blame him.

After all, you ruined his chances of getting on Milton Berle's television show.

And, incidentally, you lost your emcee for our benefit tonight.

Ethel, things are bad enough without having to listen to your stale synopsis.

Oh, cheer up.

You still got Ethel and Freddie Mertz as headliners.

Oh, feesh, some headliners.

Even you and Fred wouldn't walk across the street

to see you and Fred.

Don't get so uppity.

Who else is there?

I haven't given up on Milton Berle yet.

Boy, are you an optimist.

Ethel, I've been thinking.

- Goodbye. - Aren't you going to listen to my plan?

Does it involve me?

- No. - Good, then I'll listen.

All right.

Now, look,

I would like to get in to see Milton so I could apologize to him.

How you gonna do that?

Well, the other day when I was up to the office,

I noticed that they're building a skyscraper

right next door to his office...

Miss Trent?

- Yes, sir. - Uh, call up, uh--

Call up Mr. Watson, tell him I'm finished.

He can pick up the pages anytime he wants to.

Yes, sir.

What are you doing here?

- Get out of here! - [Lucy mouthing words]

Get out! I don't want to see you anymore.

You'll get killed!

You're 20 stories...

Get out! Get out of here!

Faster, faster! What are you do--

What are you doing here? What are you doing here?

Please, Mr. Berle, I came to apologize.

Haven't I had enough trouble with you already? Leave me alone!

Please, Mr. Berle, help me down.

All right, all right, I'll help you.

I'll help you, I'll help you. Now, take it easy.

I'll help you. I--

I'll help you as soon as I get my stomach back.

- Mr. Berle? - Yeah?

Just hold on to the bucket and steady it. I-I-I'll hop out.

Just...

Can't you get it any lower?

- I'll give the man the signal. - Yeah, okay.

That's it. Here we go.

Yeah, I got you.

I got you.

I got--

Ah!

What happened? What happened?

I forgot to tell him to stop!

Women drivers.

Give him the motion and tell him to pull the thing up.

Wave to him! Up, up.

Take it easy. That's it.

- Catch hold of the rim and pull me over. - All right.

Hang on, Mr. Berle!

[Milton] Somebody help!

Somebody help!

Somebody help me!

Don't worry, Mr. Berle, I've got you.

Give him the signal and tell him to lower us down.

I can't.

Why not?

If I give the signal, I'll have to let go.

Let me pay now, I'll fly later.

Do something, do something!

Oh! Mr. Berle, put your leg up here and get in here,

- and then I can give him the signal. - All right.

Come on, put your leg up. That's it, that's it.

- Hang on, hang on! - No, I-- I can't. I can't, I'll ...

[Milton] The other way.

That's it, now. That's it. No, that's no good ...

Help!

Are you-- Are you all right?

No. Hang on!

Get out of here.

Yes, yes, that's right.

Mr. Berle will be ready for your appointment in ten minutes.

- All right. - Good afternoon.

That's okay. I'll be--

- Where are you going? - I'm going to Mr. Berle's office.

- Wh-What's your name? - I'm Ricky Ricardo.

Oh, Mr. Berle had specific instructions to keep you out.

I just want to apologize to him.

No, no, you can't!

No! Mr. Berle, I tried--

Mr. Berle?

That's funny, he was here a minute ago.

- [Lucy] Help! - Mr. Berle?

[Milton] Somebody help!

Lucy!

Ricky, help!

Help get me down!

What are you doing up there?

I was trying to talk to Mr. Berle.

Talk to Mr. Berle?

Please, get us down.

S-Stay there.

Stay right there.

Just a minute, sweetheart.

- Just a minute. Wait a minute, honey. - [Miss Trent screams]

Can you hang on? Hang on tight, dear.

- Yes, sir. - Hang on tight, honey.

Whoa...

Just a minute, honey. I'm all right. Wait a minute...

I think I got you ...

No, you don't got me.

I'm gonna try to get you over this-- this place...

Whoa!

[Milton] Hang on, Mr. McGillicuddy, hang on!

[Lucy] Ricky, hang on!

Ricky!

[Milton] Oh, fine, now we can get on The Ed Sullivan Show

as the Flying Ricardos.

Whoa, hang on, honey.

- Hang on, sweetheart! - [Lucy] Yes, sir!

[Ricky] Hang on, baby.

[Lucy] Ricky, do something.

[Ricky] Hey, I got an idea.

Let's swing back and forward

until we're over the terrace,

and then we jump down one at a time.

[Milton] Good. I'll go first.

No, hang on!

[Ricky] I'm gonna jump first,

then I'll wait for you down there, you hear, sweetheart?

Now, you stay up there, honey, until I tell you to come down.

Don't go till I tell you to come down, honey, you hear?

Are you all right?

I'm-- I'm all right.

- Ricky? - Yeah, honey?

- What happened? - I'm all right, sweetheart.

Honey, look out.

Look out, wait a minute now.

Wait until I tell you.

Hold on, dear, not yet, not yet.

Not yet. Not yet, honey.

Now, wait... Now!

Honey, are you all right, dear?

Are you all right?

- I-I don't know. - Okay.

I don't know.

- Did you hurt yourself, honey? - I'm not sure.

- You okay, honey? - Yeah.

Hey, what about me?

[Ricky] All right. Jump, jump!

From here?

Well, I did it.

Yeah, but you were two people lower.

Wait, I'll give the man the signal to let the bucket down.

Why didn't you give the man the signal before?

How can I give him the signal? My arms weren't free.

[Ricky] What were you doing here in the first place?

[Milton] Do something, do something!

[Lucy] I came to apologize to Mr. Berle.

And what are you doing here?

I came here to apologize to Mr. Berle too.

[Milton] Now, look, I don't make it a policy

to interrupt in family arguments, but this time I'll make an exception.

Get me down!

G-Go, get the man down.

Yeah, uh, Mr. Berle, just a minute.

Uh, Mr. Berle, if I get you down,

will you promise to give Ricky a job on your new TV show?

I-- Just a minute now.

Mr. Berle?

Anything!

And Mr. Berle,

will you promise to appear at the PTA benefit tonight?

Anything! I'll do that! I'll do it!

Thank you, Mr. Berle.

All right, I got you. I got you right here.

- - Now, wait a minute. Let me get--

Let me get you down the stair now. Watch it now.

Take it easy. Take it easy.

- Watch it, watch it. - Take it easy.

- Are you all right? - I'm just fine.

Take it easy. Take it easy, now. Take it easy.

- Mr. Berle, are you all right? -

Come on, we got to get right out to Westport

if you're gonna do that benefit tonight.

Okay, but there's-- there's one thing I got to do first.

Oh, what?

Faint.

- Bartender. - Yes, sir.

- What'll you have, stranger? - Whiskey.

Yes, sir. Coming right up.

- There you are, sir. - Take that away.

I want to get plastered, not waterlogged.

Give me the other.

- Yes, sir. - Come on!

- Hurry up! - Yes, sir! There you are, sir.

- Got any pretty gals around this town? - Pretty gals?

Howdy, stranger.

Howdy, gal.

- Who are you? - I'm the new schoolmarm.

Schoolmarm?

What do you teach?

What would you like to learn?

You don't need no teachin'.

Where did you learn that?

School.

You learned that in school?

Yep.

Recess.

What is that?

That's my horse.

I thought I told you to wait in the car.

It's muy hot outside.

How about that?

An Arabian horse with a Cuban accent.

- -

Ain't you Dirty Miltie, the cattle rustler?

Yep.

I'm Dirty Miltie. Who are you?

I'm the sheriff.

Sure he's...

You better watch your step, buster.

Hau.

Easy, you just put them hand to mouth and go...

Ask 'em silly question, get 'em silly answer.

Bartender, drinks for everybody,

and that goes for you too.

I'm buying.

Them were the good old days.

What do you mean "were"?

Hey, look!

♪ Here comes the buckboard And the wagon train ♪

♪ Across the plain ♪

♪ And there's John Wayne, oh! ♪

♪ Them there days were good old days ♪

♪ And it's no wonder There's a Western craze ♪

♪ Them there days were good old days ♪

♪ And it's good to have 'em back again ♪

♪ Used to be a snap To run the good old stores ♪

♪ Just rake in the money and relax ♪

♪ The most expensive items were The sawdust on the floors ♪

♪ And the water that you poured Behind their backs ♪

♪ Gals were what you couldn't Find enough of then ♪

♪ All a lady had to do was wink ♪

♪ The women were outnumbered ♪

♪ And the men... ♪

♪ Well, they were men ♪

♪ So a lady never had to buy a drink ♪

♪ You heard what she said ♪

♪ A lady never had to buy a drink ♪

♪ Them there days were good old days ♪

♪ And it's no wonder There's a Western craze ♪

♪ Them there days were good old days ♪

♪ And it's good to have 'em back again ♪

♪ Rustlers met their makers All along the trail ♪

♪ Hanging from the limbs of mighty oaks ♪

♪ For robbing banks or jumping claims ♪

♪ They ended up in jail ♪

♪ But they never hung a man For stealin' jokes ♪

Hey, Dirty Miltie,

I'm gonna shoot you full of holes.

You missed.

He thought that he was--

Oh, no.

Deal.

Hey, bartender.

- Yes, sir. - More whiskey.

I'm running out.

Coming right up.

Ow!

It was her.

♪ Them there days were good old days ♪

♪ And it's good to have 'em back again ♪

- -

Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

And we would like to thank Vivian Vance, William Frawley,

Little Ricky and the entire cast for their performances tonight.

And our special thanks to Mr. Television himself,

- Milton Berle. - Well, that's for sure.

By the way, Lucy and I will be on Milton's show, November 1st,

over another network.

That's right, you have to say "another network."

They won't let you say NBC.

I-I didn't say it. I just used the initials.

- Well, next week on the Westinghouse... - Okay, Max.

- ...Desilu-- - Over here.

There we are.

What's going on around here?

You just-- Don't mind me, dear. Just go right on with what you're saying.

As I was saying, ladies and gentlemen,

next week on the Westinghouse Desilu Playhouse

we're gonna--

Lucy, would you mind telling me what's going on here?

You're supposed to be a cowboy.

What kind of a cowboy wears an outfit like this?

A cowboy with horse sense.

Now, look, you draw your gun, yell ya-hoo, and pull the trigger.

What?

Yell ya-hoo as loud as you can and pull the trigger. Go on.

Ya-hoo.

This thing was loaded.

I could've shot myself in the foot.

In the hoof, dear. Come on, now, we gotta get you dressed.

Wait a minute, when am I gonna tell the folks about the show?

In a minute. Okay, Betty, let her rip! Come on.

Thanks, Lucy.

With that shot, Circle W Round-up time is here.

Right now, we're rounding up all the old appliances in town,

and giving really tremendous trade-ins on them.

Circle W Round-up time means

bigger trade-ins, bigger bargains, and wonderful free gifts.

- Tell 'em, Ethel. - Okay.

Now, during Westinghouse Circle W Round-up time,

if you'll give a Westinghouse dealer two minutes of your time,

he'll give you a wonderful new shape Westinghouse lightbulb, absolutely free.

That's right.

And he'll use that two minutes to demonstrate

one of his new Westinghouse appliances.

Show 'em, Tex.

Howdy, partner.

After a hard day punching cattle,

the only thing that can get my clothes clean

and free from sand and rattlesnakes,

is this new Westinghouse laundromat.

There, I said it.

Yeah, and the way you said it,

I think we would've been better off with one of the rattlesnakes.

- I'm sorry, Betty. - Oh, that's all right, Lucy.

I love telling people about this brand-new laundromat

that has eight separate washing cycles.

It also has the exclusive Westinghouse multi-speed agitator

that changes speed to wash everything,

and wash everything cleaner.

Now, show them our beautiful new two-door 13 cubic foot refrigerator, Slim.

Gladly, ma'am. Gladly.

- This-- - Beautiful Westinghouse

frost-free refrigerator holds up to six shopping bags full of food.

What's more, our exclusive Westinghouse cold-injector refrigerating system,

keeps that food fresh days longer than other refrigerators.

- Tests prove it. - Yes, ma'am.

Yessum.

And say, this separate zero-degree Texas-style freezer

holds over a hundred pounds of frozen foods.

Betty, that refrigerator is at a special low price now too, huh?

And how about all these freezers?

Yes, everything's on sale.

It's all part of our big Westinghouse Circle W Round-up time.

It has four burners, and it doesn't take up much room at all.

Yeah, and look how much that king-size oven holds.

Yeah.

Why, even this new 1960 Westinghouse imperial roll-about dishwasher

is at a special introductory price.

Yes, now is the time to see your Westinghouse dealer.

Now, during...

Look out with that thing, will ya.

Scared you, huh?

Circle W Round-up time.

You'll see all the special values

available on laundromats,

refrigerators,

all the wonderful Westinghouse appliances.

So, for your free lightbulb and the biggest bargains of the year,

see your cooperating Westinghouse dealer tomorrow.

- And don't forget-- - Hold it.

- Tonight I'm gonna say it. - It's my line.

- My gun. - I'm sorry.

I warned you.

You can be sure if it's Westinghouse.

Ayayaya. My show, the gun won't shoot, I can't say the line.

I didn't even get a lightbulb.

Hmm.

Isn't this amazing?

What a medium.

Ladies and gentlemen, next week,

the Westinghouse Desilu Playhouse is going to be very proud to bring you

Mr. Joseph Cotten and Miss Virginia Grey

in a most unusual and thrilling Western story called

"The Day the Town Stood Up."

I hope you'll all be with us next week for this most exciting Western.

Good night and thank you.

The Westinghouse Lucille Ball-Desi Arnaz Show.

Directed by Desi Arnaz.

Written by Bob Schiller and Bob Weiskopf.

Script consultants Madelyn Martin and Bob Carroll, Jr.

Produced by Bert Granet.

Executive producer Desi Arnaz.

Featured in tonight's cast was Elvia Allman,

with Sid Melton, Frank Mitchell, Walter Pietila.

Give as generously as you can

to the United Community Campaign in your community.

It helps more people, saves more lives,

saves the time of the contributor and the volunteer, saves money.

The United way is the most economical way.

Don't forget next week the Westinghouse Desilu Playhouse

will present "The Day the Town Stood Up, "

starring Joseph Cotten,

costarring Virginia Grey, James Gregory and Clu Gulager.

The Westinghouse Lucille Ball-Desi Arnaz Show

is a Desilu production

brought to you by Westinghouse and filmed by Desilu.