Original subtitles

Westinghouse,

first with the future...

presents...

The Lucille Ball-Desi Arnaz Show

with special guest star Danny Thomas

and his TV family, Marjorie Lord, Rusty Hamer, Angela Cartwright,

and, of course, Vivian Vance, William Frawley and Little Ricky.

Featuring Gale Gordon.

It's a good thing we're not flying to California.

They'd never get the plane off the ground.

Look, Lucy, we're only going to stay there two months, not two years.

Would you close this one for me, please, dear?

Oh, no. It took me an hour to get it closed before.

Why you open it again?

Well, there was one coat in the closet that I forgot to pack.

Ayayay.

Besides, you wouldn't want the wife of a big movie star

to look crummy, would you?

Look, I'm not a big star.

I'm just going out there to make one picture.

So maybe you could look a little crummy.

Everything in that bag, I need.

Oh, sure. Yeah, I know.

Come on and help me, will you?

- Oh, yes, sir. - Sit on this other side.

- Yes, sir. -

Oh, I don't know.

Why don't we wait till the Williamses get here?

- Maybe Danny can help you. - Yeah, all right.

Oh, let's see now.

Hi, honey.

- Hi, dear. - Hello, Ethel.

Oh, so you're really going, huh?

If we can ever get this suitcase closed, we're going.

Hey, Ethel, how about giving us a hand? Maybe the three of us can close it.

Okay.

- Yeah, we'll all sit on it, huh? - All right.

Thanks a lot.

Oh, it wasn't any--

Maybe you'd better come along with us. I can always use a good suitcase closer.

Oh, I wish I could go.

I'm gonna miss you so.

Oh, honey, now, cheer up. Two months isn't a lifetime.

I know.

Come on now, buck up, baby doll.

- Okay. I'll be all right. -

Is there anything else I can help you with?

No. We're all ready to go as soon as the Williamses get here.

- All ready, Mommy. - [Lucy] Okay.

Yeah, we got everything now.

Oh, Son, say goodbye to your Aunt Ethel.

- You won't be seeing her for two months. - Goodbye, Aunt Ethel.

Why did you have to tell him to say goodbye?

- [Ethel wailing] - We're leaving for California.

What's he supposed to say, hello?

- - You ought to know better than that.

We'll be over to see you before we leave, dear.

[Ethel] Okay.

- Daddy? - Yes, Son?

Do I have time to feed my lizards before we leave?

Okay, partner. Hurry up.

Ricky, do you have any suggestions for this list?

- I sure do. - [Lucy] Oh, what?

Throw it away.

I will not.

Look, hon--

They're going to be here for two months.

It will take them longer than that just to read it.

Everything on this list is very important.

Uh-huh. I'll tell you one thing.

I'm sure glad I'm not renting this house from you.

Oh, honey, for heaven's sake.

Here they are. They're here.

I'll get it.

- Well, they're right on time, aren't they? - Uh-huh.

- Hi! - Hey.

[Ricky] Well, come right in. Hello. How are you? Good to see you.

Good to see you. Thank you.

How are you?

Oh, isn't this wonderful?

[Ricky] Leave your coat right there, Danny.

[Danny] Goodness gracious. It is lovely here.

- This is really great. - Isn't this nice?

Lucy, dear, Lucy.

Hi, Danny boy!

Thank you so much for leasing your house to us.

Oh, it's a pleasure, believe me.

Believe me, darling, we'll treat it like our own home.

I know you will.

Oh, and before I forget,

I have a little list of dos and don'ts for the house.

That reminds me, honey.

Be sure and have them deliver the Sunday paper, huh?

Lucy, why don't you go and get Little Ricky, dear, huh?

Oh, okay, dear.

Why don't you come-- Come in. Make yourselves at home.

- Oh, thank you. - Thank you.

I've, uh-- I've got your, uh, signed copy of the lease here.

Oh, thanks a lot.

Would you like me to make out a check for the first month's rent?

No, no, no. We'll start on the first of the month.

Yeah, but that's not until next week.

Well, you can mail it to me.

In the meantime, be my guest.

- Oh, isn't that nice? - Yeah.

Well, kids, how do you like the house?

Real jazzy.

Real jazzy?

What about you, Rusty? What-- You think you're gonna like the country?

I have a feeling I'm gonna miss the bright lights of Broadway.

Don't mind him. He's one of the beat generation.

Come on, sweetie! Come and see Rusty and Linda.

- [Danny] Who's that? - [Ricky] That's Little Ricky.

- He's grown, hasn't he? - Yeah.

Hasn't he, though?

You remember Rusty and Linda?

Shake hands with Rusty, partner.

- Hiya, Rick. - I'm all right, but my goldfish is sick.

You got a goldfish?

Goldfish, three lizards, a turtle and a frog.

- Want to see my lizards? - Sure. Let's go.

Can I see the gizzards too?

Sure, Linda. Come on.

She wants to see the gizzards.

Lizards, not gizzards.

Listen, before we go, I'd like to take you upstairs and show you around.

- Yeah, come on. We'll show you the place. - All right, good, good.

- - Excuse me.

I'll be with you in a minute. I'll answer the phone.

Hello? Yes.

Yes, oh, hi.

What?

Oh, no.

No!

They can't do that!

They did, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, I got it.

Yeah, I got it, fine.

Thanks a lot. Goodbye.

- Lucy? - [Lucy] Yeah, dear?

I-I'd like to talk to you for a minute, dear.

[Lucy] Oh, okay.

You go ahead and look around. I'll be right back.

Yes, dear?

Honey, anything wrong?

- That was my agent on the phone. - Yeah?

They postponed the picture.

Postponed it? For how long?

Indefinitely.

Oh, what a shame. You must be terribly disappointed.

Oh, that's not so bad.

But what are we gonna do about the house? And the, uh, the-the-the--

Oh, that's right. I forgot about that.

Oh, well, now, look. That can't be too much of a problem.

I'm sure we can work out something.

How? This is their house for the next two months.

- They got a lease. - Oh, that.

Listen, when we tell them what happened, I'm sure they'll just move right out.

Where are they gonna go, honey?

They already rented their apartment in New York.

Honey, since they're such nice people, I'm sure they rented to nice people.

And as soon as the nice people they rented to find out what's happened,

I'm sure they'll be nice and move right out.

Suppose they rented to stinkers?

Honey, you have to have more faith in people.

Now, look, we'll just tell them what happened,

and I'm sure they'll insist on just tearing this lease right up.

Kathy! Danny!

- Look, look. - What?

Just remember, the suggestion has to come from them.

I know that.

- Did you call? - [Lucy] Yes.

- Could we talk to you for a minute? - Oh, yes.

You know, Linda has just fallen in love with Little Ricky.

Oh?

Rusty's fallen in love with the lizards.

Ah.

But most of all, we've fallen in love with the house.

That's for sure. What can we do for you?

Well, uh--

Uh, guess what? We're not going to California after all.

Oh?

You on a picture on location somewhere else?

Well, uh--

No. It's been postponed.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

[Lucy] Yeah. Isn't it awful?

Yeah, that's show business.

Yeah, that's-- that's show business.

Yeah, that's what kind of business it is, all right-- Show.

Well, um, you might say that, uh, this sort of puts us on the spot.

Spot?

Yeah. With the picture postponed and not going away to--

Oh, about the house, you mean?

Yeah, about the house.

Oh, say, that does sort of put you on the spot, doesn't it?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

What are you gonna do?

Well, gosh. We really-- We really don't know.

Oh, dear.

Oh, I'm sure this thing can be straightened out somehow.

Oh, what did you have in mind?

Well, um...

I got an idea.

Down the road a bit, there's a beautiful motel.

It has wonderful, big kitchens and-- and television in every room.

And it's so convenient. It's right on the highway.

- Why, that's a perfect solution. - Oh, it sounds like a great place.

- Oh, it is, it is. - It is. It's a wonderful place.

Come on, Kath. What are we waiting for? Let's help them move.

Oh--

- Do something! - Shh!

We'll stay at the motel.

In that fleabag?

Shh!

Who can sleep there

- on that noisy highway? - Shh!

- Danny! - Yeah?

Just a minute. I-- I have an idea.

Uh, we can stay with the Mertzes.

- You see, they stay in our guesthouse. - [Danny] Oh?

Can't we, Lucy? Can't we, Lucy?

- We can? - Yes, we can, dear.

Oh, that's just wonderful.

Then we'll get to see a lot of you, and you can just drop in anytime.

That's right. Anytime at all. After all, our house is your house.

It sure is.

Yeah, let's go over to the Mertzes.

There you are, dear.

Would you stop bawling?

They're only going to be gone for two months.

I can't help it. I'm going to be so lonesome.

Well, you've got me.

Oh, listen, Ethel. Look, they're doing us a favor.

After 17 years of practically living with the Ricardos,

it's about time we had a vacation from them.

Well, you may want a vacation from them, but I don't.

- - Oh, here they are.

Oh, it's gonna be terrible saying goodbye.

Mmm, I can stand anything but a scene.

I'm going to cut this short.

Look, we hate long goodbyes. Goodbye.

Oh! They're gone.

Oh, for corn's sake, Ethel, two months isn't forever.

How many times do you want to say goodbye?

Well, we're not exactly saying goodbye. We're saying hello.

Yeah. We're moving in with you for the next two months.

- You're moving in with us? - Yeah.

- Oh, honey, what happened? - Well, that was...

Where's Lucy?

She's over at the Williamses'.

Oh, not again. At this hour of the morning?

She's bothering them to death!

Well, she said she had to get something she absolutely needs.

Oh, sure. Every time she goes over there, it's for something she absolutely needs.

She must have been over there 15 times in the last three days.

Yeah, yeah, well...

I'm gonna fix you some pancakes this morning, Rick, huh?

Oh, thank you, honey.

Oh, hi, dear!

- [Ricky] Lucy. - Huh?

Don't you think you've been going over to the Williamses' a little bit too often?

You're bothering them.

Who's bothering them?

Kathy couldn't have been nicer, and Danny wasn't even awake yet.

He sleeps until noon. He works in a nightclub.

Besides, I have to go over there to get the things we absolutely need.

Oh, sure, "the things we absolutely need,"

like a flyswatter in December.

Well, they don't all go south for the winter.

Lucy, you're just being a busybody.

I am not being a busybody.

It's a good thing I went over there too.

You should see how they're neglecting our beautiful rubber plant.

You remember how healthy it used to look?

Now it's dying of thirst.

You 'zaggerating.

I am not "'zaggerating."

And you know what? They moved your favorite easy chair.

So?

So, you know why they moved it?

So Danny could put his feet up on the coffee table.

How do you like that?

So what?

And another thing, yesterday I discovered they were using our good china for lunch.

For lunch! Our good china. How do you like that?

Fine.

Well, I don't like it. How do you like that?

Now, look, Lucy.

I don't want you going over there anymore, so just stay out.

Stay out of my own house?

For the next two months, it's their house.

Now, I forbid you to go over there anymore.

You're bothering them, and you are making yourself miserable.

Well, maybe you're right.

I know I'm right.

- Ricky. - [Ricky] What?

Could I make myself miserable just one more time?

Lucy.

Look, I'll get everything I need and never go over there again.

I promise.

All right.

And move your chair back.

- Don't touch that chair! - All right, all right.

Kathy, how about that milk?

Rusty, you know your father's sleeping.

Well! The country certainly has done wonders for your appetite.

Why not? There's nothing to do out here but eat.

Oh.

What's that?

That's our father.

Kathy, coffee.

Who's banging the drawers and running around through the house?

Oh, darling, what's the matter? Couldn't you sleep?

Sleep? How?

How you gonna sleep with that nosy landlady coming in here?

- Uh, children. - Banging the doors--

You'd better go up and get your things, children.

You'll miss the school bus. Go on.

I never in my life saw such a nosy woman, I--

It's me, it's me.

Holy Toledo! Do I look that bad?

- You want the truth? - No! Get out of here!

What are we going to do about that super snooper?

Every 15 minutes, she comes in. It's like living in Grand Central Station!

Oh, darling, stop exaggerating.

Exaggerating? That sick goldfish has more privacy than I have!

Oh, honey, I wouldn't be too concerned.

She's come over here so often to get things,

there can't be anything left to get.

She don't come here to get things. She comes here to spy on us.

Oh, honey, don't be silly. Why would she want to spy?

I don't know, but here comes Mata Hari again!

- Hello! - Hello!

Hi. You're up. I thought you always slept until noon.

Yeah, so did I.

He can't get used to the quiet in the country.

Oh.

It's the noisiest quiet I ever heard in my life.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

Oh, no, thanks. I just came over to get the rest of my things,

and I promise I'm not gonna bother you anymore.

Oh, it's no bother at all.

I'll go up and get the children off to school.

Hmm, for breakfast too, huh?

What?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

Pardon me.

Thanks.

Boy, oh, boy!

The school bus is here!

Sounded like it came through the front door!

What are you staring at? It's me.

I always look like this before noon.

Oh, hiya, Rick!

- [Linda] Hi, Ricky! - Hi!

[Kathy] Oh, Ricky's here.

Careful, Linda.

Hey! We never used our good china for breakfast.

Neither did we. Come on.

Bye, Mom! Bye, Dad!

Bye, Dad! Bye, Kathy!

Bye-bye, sweetheart.

Bye, Ricky.

What's the two-legged pack rat doing now?

Oh, honey, she's just getting a few things she needs.

- Now, eat your breakfast. - Yeah.

I think I have everything I need.

Oh, for heaven's sakes.

If you feel that way about it, why don't you take it with you?

Thank you so much.

Oh, you're welcome.

Don't be bashful.

If there's anything you want, just take it right out.

Oh? Well, we could use the toaster.

The what?--

Oh, Kathy, would you get the door for me, please?

Don't tell me you're gonna take that too.

What impossible nerve. Never in my life have I met such a person.

Oh, honey. Now, calm down and eat your breakfast.

Ah, I can't eat my breakfast, she's got me so upset.

Well, then, go sit down and cool off.

The woman-- Every five minutes!

We rented this place so we could live peacefully in the country.

Every five minutes, the landlady comes--

What happened, darling?

The housemother wants it over there!

Yoo-hoo, I'm back!

What took you so long?

Gee, I'm awfully sorry, but I walked off with your toast.

Why are you sitting down there?

Oh, don't tell me you missed the chair.

Yeah, I missed the chair.

- - And I'll tell you something else.

I've gotten sick and tired

of you coming in and out of here like you own this place!

But I do.

I don't care. I have a lease.

You come back in here one more time,

and I'll have you arrested for trespassing!

- Oh, Danny! - Arrested?

Yeah, as in, "go to jail!"

Well, don't worry, Mr. Williams. I will not be over here again.

Good!

Would you mind eating at the table? The crumbs are bad for the rug.

- Go! -

Get out of here!

Get out! Don't come back anymore!

It's just driving me crazy to think of somebody else living in my home.

Oh, come on now, honey.

You're just making yourself more miserable sitting there moping,

looking at a house that you can't live in.

Hey, I got an idea. Where's Fred?

He's in New York collecting the rents for our apartment house.

What do you want him for?

Well, Fred is an experienced landlord.

I have an idea he'd know a nice legal way to kick out a tenant.

Where there's a lease, there's a loophole.

What will Ricky say?

I'm just gonna take a look at the copy of our lease.

- What'll Ricky say? -

- Oh, hi, Kathy. Come on in. - Hello, Ethel.

Hi.

Oh, Lucy, I--

I hope you're not too upset the way Danny lost his temper yesterday.

Think nothing of it.

Kathy, can I fix you a cup of coffee or something?

Oh, no, thanks, Ethel.

I'm rushing to the station to catch the next train to New York,

and your car's in the driveway.

- Could somebody move it? - Oh, yeah. Ricky!

- [Ricky] Be right down, honey. - Listen, he's going to the village.

You want him to drop you off at the station?

Oh, fine.

By the way, I left the rent check for Danny to sign when he wakes up.

Oh, well, there's no rush about that.

Oh, it's the first of the month, and Danny likes to be punctual.

I left it on his dresser with a note so he can't miss it.

Oh, well, thank you.

- Yes, dear? - Oh, honey.

- Oh, hello, Kathy. - Hello, Ricky.

Could you drop Kathy off at the station on your way in?

Why, sure. I'd love to.

I hope it won't take you out of your way.

No, not at all, honey.

- Bye! - Bye!

- See you later. Bye. - Come back over, Kathy.

She is the sweetest girl. She's got such a nice disposition.

As long as you couldn't be in your own house,

you're very lucky to have somebody as nice like--

Hey, that's it!

What's what?

That's how to get rid of the Williamses. Right here, paragraph three.

"If a tenant at any time is in default on payment of rent

on day or date agreed between said tenant and landlord,

then said landlord may terminate this lease

and remove all persons from premises without further notice."

So?

So, if the Williamses don't pay the rent on time, we can evict them.

Oh, but they are gonna pay the rent.

Danny's gonna sign the check just as soon as he wakes up.

- That's what Kath-- - Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh!

But while Danny is asleep, I am going to tiptoe over to the bedroom,

take the check and the note and tiptoe out again.

Danny will think Kathy has paid us. Kathy will think Danny has paid us.

And the first thing tomorrow morning, out they go for nonpayment of rent.

Lucy, you can't take that check. That's stealing.

Ethel, how can you say that?

In the first place, the check is made out to us,

so it's really our check.

In the second place, the check isn't signed, so it isn't worth anything.

So how can you say taking something that belongs to you already,

and isn't worth anything anyway, is stealing?

Well, you beat the burglary rap.

What about trespassing?

Danny said if he caught you over there again, he'd have you thrown in jail.

Honey, Danny is asleep.

Don't worry, Ethel. I'll be back in five minutes.

Five minutes or 30 days.

Oh...

Honey?

Honey, is that you?

Huh?

[Danny] Is that you, Kathy?

Uh-huh.

Weren't you going into New York, baby?

Uh-uh.

Oh, good. I'm glad.

How about getting Daddy a cup of coffee, huh?

Sweetheart?

Cup of coffee, dear.

I don't think it's such a hot idea this commuting, honey.

I miss you. You miss me?

Uh-huh.

[Danny] I miss you a lot. I don't get to see you much anymore.

Living in the country like this.

- Sweetie? - [Lucy] Yeah?

How about that coffee?

Mm-hmm.

Morning, beautiful.

Come here, lover.

Baby.

Wait a minute, honey. Don't go.

Come here, sweetheart. The coffee can wait. Scratch my back.

Harder, baby. Hard-- Ow! Not that hard.

A little higher.

Oh, gee, that feels good.

Do it with both hands. It'll feel twice as good.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, honey, don't tickle me, lover.

Sweetheart-- Lover, don't!

I missed my train.

Apparently, it was a good thing I did.

Wait a minute. If you're you, who are you?

Well, three's a crowd.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

Lucy!

What are you doing here?

Well, I--

What are you doing here?

Well, Kathy missed the train,

so she wanted me to come over to get the check for the rent--

What do you mean what am I doing here?

What are you doing here?

Well, would you believe I came over to water the plants?

In that outfit?

Yeah, this is my plant-watering outfit.

Oh, this poor little ivy needs water too.

- Lucy! - I'll just wait-- What?

Mr. Ricardo.

Lover, now, listen, dear.

I would like to know what your wife was doing in our bedroom

scratching my husband's back!

Yeah, so would I.

You be quiet!

Why were you scratching his back?

Why was I scratching his back?

You heard me!

He asked me to.

Aha!

Why did you ask her to scratch your back?

- Well, uh-- - Yeah. Why?

Why?

It itched.

I'm innocent, I tell you. I thought-- I thought she was she.

[Ricky] Lucy!

You come back here!

You start 'splaining, right now!

[Kathy] Yes, I'd like to hear an explanation too.

- Come on! - Well,

I came over here while Danny was asleep so that--

So that I could get the check before he signed it, and--

And-- And then Kathy would think Danny had signed it,

and Danny would think Kathy had signed it, and-- and I--

Why would you do a thing like that for?

So we could evict them for nonpayment of rent and get back into our own home.

Just one more thing. What are you doing in my clothes?

Well, I accidentally knocked over your perfume, and it woke Danny up,

so I put this on so I could fool him into thinking it was you so I could get out,

and I'm terribly sorry.

I-- I told you I'm innocent.

Me too.

All except coming over here when I told you not to,

taking a check that does not belong to you,

trying to pull a shady trick like that,

and causing trouble between a husband and a wife!

Yeah.

I'm rotten to the core.

Oh, no, Lucy, you're not.

Yes, I am.

Oh, no, you're not. I understand.

You do?

Of course.

I know how you feel about your home. I'm a woman too.

Yeah, and what a woman.

Are you gonna have me arrested for trespassing?

Are you kidding? Not after you just saved my life.

Oh.

Are you still mad at me? You going to forgive me, honey?

Huh?

I said are you going to forgive me?

Well, as long as Danny forgives you and Kathy forgives you, I guess I'll have to.

Oh, thank you.

On one condition!

What's that?

That you will never set foot in this house again

as long as the Williamses are here.

Well, I--

Lucy!

All right.

Now, wait. Wait a minute.

Look, uh, I realize now how important it is for you to live in your own home.

So why don't we swap houses?

We'll live in the guest house,

and the Mertzes can move in the big house with you.

How about that, honey?

[Kathy] Ah, I think that's a wonderful idea.

- Oh, thank you, thank you! - Not at all.

That's-- That's very kind and very generous of you.

Of course, we-- we could adjust the rent, you see.

You would only have to pay $75 a month instead of the 200 that you pay now.

Sounds fine. When do we move?

Yeah, well, how about right now?

- Why not? - All right.

Now, wait a minute. I-I-I think we'd better check with the Mertzes, honey.

Oh, Ethel will be delighted to move in here with us.

Well, I-- I know that, but-but Fred's still in New York,

and I would like to get Fred's okay.

How much rent are you charging the Mertzes to move in here with us?

Nothing.

You just got Fred's okay.

Well, boy, I didn't know I'd taken so much stuff out of the big house.

Yeah, look at the junk I'm carrying.

I'm not junk.

Oh, that's nice.

Say, that's some package you got there.

Isn't she, though?

- Hi. - Hi. How are you?

Hi, Fred. Just in time.

Just in time for what?

Oh, hi, Fred. You're just in time to help us.

- Help you what? - We're moving.

Yeah, we're moving back into our own house.

- Well, that's pleasant news. - [Lucy chuckles]

And we're moving in with them, and they're not charging us.

How's that?

Yeah, it's all Danny's idea. Wasn't that sweet of him?

Hey, did the girls tell you the good news?

Well, now, let me get this straight.

We're moving into your house, and the Williamses are moving into our house.

- That's right. - Is that right?

- Yeah. - That's right.

They're moving right now.

- Come on. We got a lot of moving to do. - Right now.

I don't want to hold up the parade, but, uh, I got to give this a little thought.

What is there to think about?

We're going in with the Ricardos, rent-free. F-R-E-E.

That's not the point, Ethel.

Fred, have you been drinking?

Hey, Rick, what made you think you had the right to rent my house?

- Your house? - [Fred] Yes, my house.

I own that house.

I know that, but I happen to hold a lease on that house,

and it's up to me to decide if I'm gonna rent it to anyone.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

How much are you charging the Williamses for my house?

Same as I charge you, $75 a month.

Fred, can't you get it through your thick skull?

The Williamses will be paying our rent,

and we'll be living with the Ricardos for nothing.

- Ah, wait a minute. - Yeah, Fred.

You got a good thing going here, so don't foul it up.

I don't want to get technical,

but if anyone's going to rent my house to the Williamses,

I'd like to be the one that does it.

- Well, go ahead. - All right, Fred.

You go ahead. You rent your house to Danny.

I'll be glad to.

- Well, good. - Good. Go ahead.

For 150 bucks a month.

- Fred! - What?

What right have you got to charge him $150 a month

when I only charge you $75 a month?

Because that house is worth 150 bucks a month.

Then how come you only pay me $75 a month?

Because that's all you asked me.

Because you're a schnook, I don't have to be one.

Oh, just a moment. I have no intention of being a schnook.

If you think I'm gonna pay you $150 for that little shack,

you got another thing coming.

Well, what are you squawking about, banana nose?

You're saving 50 bucks a month.

Oh, Fred, please!

Ethel, keep out of this. Business is business.

Well, okay. That's what we get for trying to be nice.

All right, signal's off.

We move back into the big house.

Oh, now, wait a minute. That isn't nice.

You promised us we could move back into the big house. Now you're welching.

I can't help it if you've got cheap friends.

- Danny. - What, "Danny"?

You think I'm gonna let myself get robbed by that blubber face?

Well, it wouldn't hurt you to pay the rent he wants.

What? $150 a month for that chicken coop?

You're out of your cotton-picking mind.

Come on, honey. We're moving back into the big house.

Let's get our things.

Oh, you miserable tightwad!

I hope you're satisfied!

Now we're gonna have to move back in with you.

In a pig's eye!

You mean to say you're not gonna let us move back into your house with you?

Well, you surely wouldn't want to live with a miserable tightwad like me.

Come on, Ethel. Let's take our stuff and go back home.

- Oh, Fred. - Oh!

Oh, so that's the way you want to play.

Well, I can do that too.

Hey! What was that for?

Ah, you--

Who threw that?

He did.

I didn't throw it.

[Ethel] Fred, go inside, for heaven's sake.

Oh, please, please! Everybody, stop!

Stop, stop! Now, please!

I'm sure we can all settle this peacefully.

Oh, you and your sickening sweetness!

Don't you ever get mad?

Yes, sometimes I do!

Honey, no!

[Ricky] A fine mess. Everybody's suing everybody.

If I have to see a doctor for my throat,

I'm gonna send Kathy Williams the bill. It's all her fault.

If you had worn your earmuffs yesterday,

your ears wouldn't have gotten frostbitten.

You'll have to speak up, Ethel.

- Speak up. I can't hear a thing. - Oh ...

This court is now in session.

His Honor Justice Phillips presiding.

Please read the calendar.

"Williams versus Ricardo, Ricardo versus Williams,"

"Mertz versus Ricardo, Ricardo versus Mertz."

These are the principals, Your Honor.

Well, for the sake of expediency,

it might be wise to consolidate these cases.

Let's see now. The Williamses--

Uh, who are the Williamses?

You. Uh-huh.

You are suing the Ricardos--

Oh, Ricardos--

For trespassing.

Also conversion of one electric toaster.

I beg your pardon, sir.

What's conversion?

Conversion is the wrongful exercise of control over personal property

by a person or persons not entitled to possession thereof.

Oh, conversion.

It's polite for "stealing."

- Stealing? - Save your voice.

- What do you mean, stealing? - Save your voice, dear.

- Ethel, what's going on? - Shut up!

The, uh, Ricardos are suing the Williamses for negligence.

- Negligence? - Yes.

You are charged with permitting a person or persons

to enter the premises and remove one electric toaster.

Permitting? She came in and took it.

You allowed me to.

Save your voice, dear.

And, uh, you, sir, are also accused of being a masher.

To wit, precipitating involuntary back scratching

and nuzzling in the neck region.

Sit down.

Now the, uh, Mertzes--

You must-- Yeah.

The Mertzes are suing the Ricardos for attempted eviction

and for defamation of character.

Specifically, the defendants Ricardos are accused

of calling the plaintiff Mertz "a miserable tightwad."

As a countersuit,

the Ricardos are suing the Mertzes for violation of lease.

To wit, permitting two families to live in a one-family dwelling.

They're suing us for permitting two families

to live in a one-family dwelling!

But they were the other family!

Yeah.

And everybody is suing everybody else for assault and battery.

- -

You'll all have a chance to tell your stories.

We'll begin with, uh, the Mertzes.

Oh. Thank you, Your Honor.

We have known the Ricardos for about, uh, 17 years,

and we have moved into their-- We live in their guesthouse.

And for the past three days, I--

I object, Your Honor!

What are you trying to do, Ethel? Get us sent to Alcatraz?

Go back to your seat. Sit down.

Your Honor,

after, uh, the defendant had been sponging on us for several days,

they tried to evict us from our own house,

after which she had the nerve,

the unmitigated gall, to call me a miserable tightwad!

That's my story, Your Honor.

Uh, Mr. Williams, will you please present your case?

Your Honor,

when I was a poor boy in Toledo, Ohio--

Oh, for--

A poor boy playing in the streets in tattered rags,

the son of poor but honest immigrant parents,

I learned many things.

The most important of these is

that an American is guaranteed by the Constitution the right

to life, Liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

I bent over backward to try to help these people

by offering to move from the big house

to the little house, back of the big house.

The guesthouse, Your Honor.

What was my reward for this humanitarian effort?

Insults!

Insults from this man!

Name calling.

To wit,

"banana nose."

And not only that, but a demand by this man

to pay twice the rent he had been paying.

I ask, Your Honor, is this life?

Is this Liberty?

Is this happiness?

Is this America?

I rest my case.

Before we continue,

I'm throwing the Mertzes' defamation of character suit out of court.

Oh, you are a miserable tightwad.

What did he say?

Nothing you haven't heard before.

Now, uh, Mrs. Ricardo, would you like to answer these charges?

Oh, yes, Your Honor.

You'll have to excuse my voice.

Because I've got laryngitis

from the brutal beating that I took out in the freezing snow from that woman.

You see, we have--

We have this beautiful house.

Uh, Your Honor, I'd like to 'splain.

I'd like to 'splain, sir.

What my wife is-is trying to say, sir, is that, well, this-this lady,

she yanked her into the freezing snow,

and this is what, uh, constituted this lyinyitis.

Hold it. Hold it. Hold it!

Watch it!

There'll be none of that in my court.

You'd better sit down.

Uh, yes, Mrs. Ricardo?

You, uh, what? Uh, talk-- Speak-- Speak-- You?

You will speak. Uh-huh.

Uh, big-- Round--

Oh, tremendous. Whole, you'll-- Whole-- Whole-- You!

You will tell the whole thing.

Aha! Good. Good.

All right.

Now, there was a charge.

You brought a charge against Mr. Williams for being a masher.

That's what you'll have to explain. Now, yes, please. Uh--

You-- You, uh--

Walk-- Walking-- Walk--

Uh, over the shoulder.

You-- You walk-- Walked past-- Past--

Uh-huh, you walked... past him!

Him-- Him-- He-- Yeah, he-- Him.

He did that?

I object.

I object!

I thought she was she.

You be quiet.

Mrs. Ricardo is talking.

Uh, she isn't talking. She's describing--

Will you sit down?

Go ahead, please. Go ahead.

Then, th-th-then, then-- Uh-huh, then, then--

Yes. You--

Yes, I'll watch, yes, carefully. Oh, yes.

You-- You--

Uh, uh, turning over, upside--

Oh, you-- Me, me, me-- Uh, me--

Oh-- You were banana nose!

Uh, he whispered to you.

No, he didn't.

He nibbled your ear?

He nuzzled you!

Once, once--

Then, then, then, yes.

He-- You--

Strong-- Go-- Muscle--

Strong-- Forced?

Forced, forced. Yes, he forced-- You!

He forced you to scratch his back.

And that's how you lost your voice.

Oh, uh, then-- Then what happened?

How did that come about?

Then-- Then, yes, then?

Uh, a big, oh, mess.

Everybody wheeling around, uh, tumbling over--

Oh, out the window?

No, no, they broke the window.

No. Oh, they went to the window.

They, uh-- They opened it. The hole-- The--

Snow!

Aha! Snow, yeah, snow.

So, you picked up some snow.

Watch it!

You threw it at him, at your neighbor,

and then she threw back at you, and he defended her.

And the rest of them got in,

and they were fighting and throwing the snow.

And they were throwing-- Go!

Oh, there was a snowball fight.

Mrs. Ricardo, that--

That still doesn't explain how you got larynyitis-- gitis!

Then-- All right.

She-- Her-- Her--

Uh, Mrs. Williams--

Uh, she slapped you. She--

She pushed you. Pushed you.

Gave you a massage?

Gave you a-- Gave you a facial? No.

She went to the window. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

She rubbed snow in your face?

Mrs. Ricardo,

before the court fines you for contempt, sit down.

I am dismissing all the charges in all these suits as irrelevant, immaterial

- and ridiculous. -

And I further enjoin all families neither to molest nor see one another again.

Your Honor! Your Honor, that's not fair to us.

May we be heard?

Who, uh-- Who might you be?

Well, they're our parents.

Uh, please, come forward, please.

Come forward.

Uh, now, who belongs to whom?

Uh, sir, uh, that one is mine.

Those two are ours.

Uh-huh.

We raise chickens.

Your Honor, we think we have a solution to this problem.

- You have a solution? - [Rusty] Yes.

Well, that's, uh, highly unusual, but, uh, proceed.

Well, as you know, in cases of this nature,

it's always the children who suffer.

The court agrees,

but how do you propose to solve the problem of who lives where?

Rusty's daddy has a lease, so they should stay in our house.

That's very generous of you, but I'm afraid it won't work.

You stay in your house, and we'll stay in the guesthouse.

You know how your mother is.

Yeah, I know.

Well, that's very fine, but, uh, what about the Mertzes?

I know!

Oh, well, come up here, little lady.

Approach the bench. I'd like to hear what you have to say.

Come right up here. There we are.

There.

We feel Mr. Mertz should take his wife to Miami for two months.

In the first place, it will unfreeze his ears.

In the second place, it will remove the curse of being a miserable tightwad.

Splendid idea.

It is so ordered.

Hooray!

What did he say?

I'll tell you when we get to Florida.

Who says I'm taking you to Florida?

His Honor says.

Oh, yes, sir.

Children, I think this is an excellent solution.

If you adults could just act as sensibly as your youngsters,

you wouldn't be here in this court.

I feel that we owe them a deep debt of gratitude.

Cases dismissed.

This court is adjourned.

Well...

Thank you, Your Honor.

- Thank you. - Danny?

Pretty silly, aren't we?

The kids make us look like a couple of idiots.

- You're a good lawyer. - I'm not gonna take her.

You got a couple of wonderful kids, sir.

Are you kidding? You're the luckiest man in the world.

You got a perfect wife.

Lucy? Perfect?

Absolutely. She can't talk, and she's a great back scratcher.

Thank you.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

And we want to give a very special thanks to Danny Thomas and his television family

for being with us tonight. Next week--

Here, honey. Try this on.

What's this for?

We have to have our pictures taken at our Westinghouse dealers.

Oh, but I'm telling the folks about next week's show, dear.

- Oh. - Can the pictures wait?

Certainly not. The stores are waiting for them

for the big Westinghouse Christmas celebration, remember?

- Oh, the holiday promotion, you mean? - Yeah.

Royal Gifts for the Queen of the House.

That's "Royal Gifts for the Queen of the House."

That's what I said, "Queen of the House."

Maybe I can get Betty Furness to change it to "princess."

Oh, is-- is Betty gonna be there?

Yeah, she's gonna take the pictures.

Well, then I'd better tell them about next week's show first.

Why?

Because when you two gals get together, "Yakety-yakety-yakety."

Oh, I won't open my mouth. Come on.

Don't go away, folks.

- Hi, Betty. - Hi.

Hi. We're all ready for the pictures.

- Good. - Okay.

Gee, Betty, these Westinghouse Royal Gifts are be-beautiful!

Remember, Lucy--

All right, all right.

[Betty] Now stand right where you are. Don't move.

All right. Now, one, two--

Oh, Betty.

[Betty] Yes?

What are those?

The new Westinghouse Immerse-A-Matics.

They're the complete set of automatic electric cooking appliances

that wash completely underwater.

Well, quite a set.

Fry pans, a griddle, a Dutch oven, a saucepan.

And with Westinghouse exclusive spread-even heat,

they never get hot or cold spots.

Each heating element is shaped to fit its pan.

Square for the fry pan.

Round for the saucepan.

Rectangular for the griddle.

And, look. The griddle doubles as a hot serving tray.

[Lucy] Oh, what a great idea!

[Betty] And how about the Westinghouse Immerse-A-Matic Fry Pan.

It cooks party foods, main meals, even desserts.

Lucy, uh, remember, dear, the stores are waiting for our pictures.

Yeah, dear. I'll take a set, Betty.

- I've got some gift-wrapped. - Good.

Oh, honey, look. They all work on this one control gadget.

You just pull that out, and you can dump them all the way in water.

[Ricky] I know, dear. They're great. I've seen them.

But, right now, we've got to take the picture.

- Okay, dear. You hang on to these. - All right.

[Betty] All right. One, two--

Hold it, Betty.

Now what?

Isn't that a beauty!

This is the new Westinghouse Spoutless Coffee Maker.

It has a convenient opening here, see? No spout.

And no place for coffee oils to hide and spoil the flavor.

I'll bet it makes delicious coffee.

[Betty] Oh, it does. And it's so easy to use too.

It's the first electric coffee maker that keeps completely clean, see?

You can reach every part of it.

Oh, Betty, I just have to have one of those.

There you are.

Thank you.

[Ricky] Lucy?

Yes, sir?

I thought you weren't gonna open your mouth?

Well, don't blame me. You know how she is.

[Betty] All right. One, two--

Wait! What is that?

This is my favorite. The new Westinghouse Portable Mixer.

It's so light, but it's powerful enough to handle the heaviest batters.

And, look. You adjust the speed right here.

Release the beaters like this.

Oh, that's terrific!

Can I have one of these, honey?

Look, Lucy, let's get the pictures taken, and I'll buy you anything you want.

Oh, thanks! What else can you suggest, Betty?

[Betty] Oh, loads of things.

Electric blankets,

vacuum cleaners,

Steam-N-Dry irons,

toasters, roasters.

[Lucy] Gee, Westinghouse just has everything for Christmas!

I know that, but they still haven't got our pictures.

Right now, dear.

Okay, Betty.

[Ricky] Wait a minute.

Thought you were in a hurry?

[Ricky] Nobody can see my face!

Oh. Oh, there you are. Sorry.

Thanks a lot.

[Betty] Hold it.

For great Christmas buys, it's Westinghouse Royal Gifts.

Over a hundred to choose from, and every one, a royal value.

Look for them in the stores with signs saying,

"Royal Gifts for the Queen of the House."

With our pictures.

Next week, our playhouse is gonna present its very first Western.

It's a rugged one called "Silent Thunder."

And it stars John Drew Barrymore, Earl Holliman and Barton MacLane.

I hope you'll be with us. Good night, folks.

The Lucille Ball-Desi Arnaz Show.

Directed by Jerry Thorpe.

Written by Bob Weiskopf and Bob Schiller.

Script consultants, Madelyn Martin and Bob Carroll Jr.

Produced by Bert Granet.

Executive producer, Desi Arnaz.

The court clerk was played by Jess Kirkpatrick.

Don't forget, next week,

the Westinghouse Desilu Playhouse will present "Silent Thunder, "

starring John Drew Barrymore and Earl Holliman.

The Lucille Ball-Desi Arnaz Show is a Desilu Production

brought to you by Westinghouse

and filmed by Desilu.