Original subtitles

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I want to thank you all for all the kind letters

that you sent Lucy and me after our first show.

We're very happy you liked it,

and we certainly hope that you like tonight's show just as much.

- Later on, we have something to show you. - Desi?

- What? - It's back here.

- What's back there? - The 1958 Ford, of course.

- Let's show it now. - Not now, honey. Later.

- We have to do a show now. - Oh. Oh.

We'll see you in a while.

Ford...

and the Ford dealers of your community

present...

the new Lucille Ball-Desi Arnaz Show.

With special guest star...

Tallulah Bankhead.

And, of course,

Vivian Vance, William Frawley.

And Little Ricky.

Come on, honey. We're ready to do the number for you.

[Lucy] Well, you go ahead, dear. I'll be down in a minute.

Look, we're doing this number

for you and the Parent-Teachers Association show.

The least you can do is come down and watch us.

[Lucy] Well, honey, run over it again. Get it in a little better shape.

I'll be right down.

All right.

Lucy, are you spying out of the window at the new neighbors moving in?

[Lucy] Certainly not!

Well, all right.

Is Mommy gonna be in the show, Daddy?

Oh, yeah, yeah. She's gonna do a few things.

She, uh-- She's the chairman,

she's the emcee, she's going to tell jokes,

she's written a sketch for the sixth graders,

and she's going to do a number with Aunt Ethel.

How come she isn't going to sing with us?

We're just lucky, I guess.

Lucy, are you sure you're not spying out of the window at the new neighbors?

[Lucy] No, I'm not!

Well, come on down.

Oh, all right, for heaven's sake!

Why...

I thought you said you weren't spying.

I wasn't!

What are you doing, getting ready to go to the races?

- Oh, these. - Yeah.

Well, I was... bird-watching.

Bird-watching?

Yeah. Do you know that there's a yellow-bellied woodpecker on our lawn?

No, but I know there's a red-headed cuckoo in the living room.

You were, too, spying on the new neighbors.

No, I wasn't! They're not even here yet, so there!

The moving van is here. I glanced casually at that.

- Lucy! - What?

Lucy, there's a car turning in the driveway next door.

I was expecting it all morning!

Yeah... Oh, yeah.

You'd better go play, son. We'll rehearse later.

- Okay, Daddy. - [Ethel] There's a woman driving.

[Lucy] She's getting out of the car.

Oh, Lucy, she's got on a full-length mink coat!

Oh, isn't that a beau ...

Uh-oh.

Something happened to our picture tube.

Why did you do that?

Because you two are too "nuzzy."

We are not "nuzzy."

We are just displaying a little healthy curiosity, that's all.

Well, don't forget, "curiosity killed the cat."

Yeah, but what a way to go, huh?

- -

Oh, would you get the door, dear?

Yes.

[Ethel] Oh, she's disappeared. Oh, but they're moving in the furniture.

Say, she must be either very rich or very poor.

- How can you tell? - From the furniture.

It's either cheap beat-up junk or priceless antiques.

Oh, how do you do, darling?

I... I hate to bother you like this, but could I use your telephone?

I'm your new neighbor, Tallulah Bankhead.

Of course, Miss Bankhead. I would know you anywhere.

- Oh, thank you. - I'm Ricky Ricardo.

- Will you please come in? - How do you do, Mr. Ricardo?

Thank you very much. You have such a charming place here.

- Thank you. Right this way, Miss Bankhead. - Oh, thank you.

- Lucy. - [Lucy] Just a minute, dear.

Oh, now I know how our new neighbor got her mink coat.

She bought it with the money she saved on that cheap furniture.

Lucy!

[Ethel] Oh, look at that crummy-looking couch.

[Lucy] Aah!

How could anyone collect so many monstrosities?

Gee, I bet she's a lady junk dealer.

Lucy, I want you to meet our new neighbor!

It's Tallulah Bankhead!

Uh... Uh... I think I hear Fred calling me!

Yep, yep, it's Fred!

I'll be right there, Fred!

Miss Bankhead, this is my wife, Lucy.

- How do you do? - Hello.

Miss Bankhead wants to telephone.

Telephone? Oh, feel free to call me anytime.

Honey, she wants to use our telephone.

Oh... Oh, oh!

You see, mine hasn't been installed yet,

and I would like to telephone an employment agency,

to see if I couldn't get a couple.

You don't happen to know of a couple, do you?

A couple of what?

A couple, dear, like a maid and a butler.

Oh... Oh, I knew what she meant.

Where did you get your couple, Mrs. Ricardo?

Where?

From the employment agency?

All right!

You see, I'm, uh, starting rehearsals for this new play in New York...

On the stage?

Well, how did you guess?

And I want a couple, you see, to look after my home.

I'm living just next door to you now, you know.

Oh, yes, yes, I know. We couldn't get along without our couple.

I know just what you mean.

Honey, Miss Bankhead has a lot of things to do.

All she wants is just to use the phone.

- Oh, oh, of course. - Thank you.

Of course, Miss Bankhead. Any time at all, you...

Come on, honey, eat your lunch.

Oh, every time I think of how I acted

in front of Tallulah Bankhead this morning,

I could just die.

What she must think of me.

Well, I warned you about snooping.

And you were so right.

I swear on a stack of old binoculars I will never snoop again.

Good.

Gee, you know, if I hadn't pulled such a boner,

maybe I could have gotten Miss Bankhead to help us with the PTA musical.

How do you mean?

Well, you know, she's had so much experience,

she could have given us all sorts of pointers.

Why do I have to act like such a goof always?

Oh, I don't know. I guess it's part of your charm.

Somebody ought to give me a good swift kick in the pants.

I'll volunteer.

That is merely a figure of speech.

Oh.

Hey! Hey, you know what I'm going to do?

What?

I'm going to invite Miss Bankhead over here for dinner tonight.

- Oh, you must be out of your mind. - No!

A minute ago, you were ready to die. Now you want her over here for dinner?

No, no, no.

Look, I'll ask her over for dinner, and I'll correct the bad impression I made.

And then when I have her completely charmed,

I'll ask her to help me with the PTA show.

- What are you laughing at? -

Struck me funny--

Tallulah Bankhead at a PTA meeting.

What's so funny about that?

It's like Marilyn Monroe at a Girl Scout rally.

- Ah! - [Ricky laughs]

- -

Hello, darling.

- Miss Bankhead? - Yes?

This is Lucy Ricardo.

Yes?

Uh, I don't know if you remember me or not.

I'll never forget you, darling.

Oh, thank you.

We got our phone fixed.

Oh, really?

I thought you were talking on two cans and a string.

Oh, no.

No. You see, when the telephone company came out to fix yours,

they-they fixed ours, and the repairman gave me your number.

That big blabbermouth.

- How's that? - Oh, nothing, darling, nothing.

Uh, what I called you about...

I was thinking mayb...

Well, most likely you can't make it, and I ...

I'm sure you have another engagement.

In fact, you probably wouldn't even want

to come over after what happened this morning,

and I certainly don't blame you.

But it was just a thought. Maybe we can do it another time.

Are you sure you're not talking on two cans and a string?

Well, I was inviting you over for dinner tonight.

I know you're not unpacked or settled yet.

You might like to eat with us, but, of course, if you have other plans...

Not at all, darling. I'd love to.

Well, we certainly understand

a big star like you having so many invitations,

so we'll just make it an ...

You would!

It's either that or cooking my own dinner.

The last time I did that, I set fire to myself.

Oh.

I'm so glad you can come over.

It's very sweet of you to ask me. I appreciate it tremendously.

You are so lucky, you know, to have a couple.

I haven't been able to find any help yet.

Otherwise I wouldn't think of imposing upon you.

Oh, you're not imposing a bit. We'll expect you at 8:00.

Well, thank you, darling. Thank you so much.

Not at all. Good-bye.

She's coming!

She said that she wouldn't think of imposing,

but we have our couple, and her couple hasn't come yet...

Our couple!

- Our couple! - What are you talking about?

She thinks we have a couple.

So?

Well, I can't ask her over here to dinner

and then jump up and down and wait on the table myself.

Why not? You do it for me.

Well, you're nobody.

- Well, thanks a lot. - Oh, you know what I mean.

She's a big celebrity. You're only a husband.

Oh, what am I going to do?

Well, if you want a little advice from only a husband,

you'll forget all this nonsense.

It doesn't matter to Miss Bankhead whether we have help or not.

Well, it matters to me.

She already thinks I'm a snoop and a bumbler.

You don't want her to think I'm a fibber too.

But you are.

Well, you know it and I know it,

but I don't see why Tallulah Bankhead has to know it too!

Well, you figure it out any way you want. I got to go in town.

Oh, dear.

Anything you want me to bring you?

Yes, bring me a couple.

- A couple of what? - Oh!

See you later.

But, Ricky, who am I going to get to serve dinner tonight?

- Hi. - Hiya.

Hi. Come on in.

Lucy, was Miss Bankhead furious

at what we said about her furniture this morning?

Well, she was a little upset, but I smoothed everything over.

As a matter of fact, she's coming over here for dinner tonight.

- No kidding? - Yeah.

- Come on, sit down. Let's chat a while. - Oh, isn't that great!

Isn't that nice? Sit down, frisky boy.

- Oh! - Thank you.

There. Just make yourself comfortable there.

Oh, thanks.

Are you folks busy tonight?

No. Are you inviting us to dinner?

Well, in a way.

Fred, isn't that wonderful?

We're gonna have dinner with Tallulah Bankhead.

Hey, how about that?

You think I ought to wear my good black dress?

Yes, with a little white apron and a cap.

Why should I wear a thing like that?

So that it will go with Fred's butler uniform.

What are you talking about?

Well, I might as well confess.

- I'm in a jam. - Oh?

Yeah. I, uh... I, uh ...

I-I need you two to serve dinner tonight.

What?

Well, somehow, Tallulah Bankhead got the idea that I have help.

Well!

If you've got the gall to ask us to be your maid and butler,

you're going to need help.

Oh, now, Ethel, I wouldn't think of asking you

if I weren't desperate.

Please, couldn't you do it as a special favor to me?

Absolutely not!

Would you do it if I paid you?

Lucy, I'd like to ask you just one question.

Who do you think you're talking to?

And I'd like to ask you just one question. How much?

Ten dollars.

Oh, boy, ten dollars?

Now, Fred, you can do what you like, but count me out.

You're gonna buttle, you can buttle all by yourself.

Oh, now, Ethel, please, please, pretty please?

Nothin' doing.

Pretty please with sugar on it?

I wouldn't do that for you

if you took that "pretty please," put sugar on it,

poured brandy over it and lit it!

Oh!

Dear!

Well, Ethel, you leave me but one choice.

You know that song you and I were going to do

for the PTA musical?

We were going to do?

Betty Ramsey has been pestering me to be in the show,

and she does have a lovely voice.

She sings flat!

Well ...

Lucy, this is blackmail!

Oh, I wouldn't call it that.

Well, I would!

Call it what you want, Ethel. What do you say?

What time do you want dinner served, ma'am?

Aw, gee, thanks, honey. I'll never forget this.

- Neither will I. - Oh, now, it's not gonna be so bad.

Just think how close you're gonna be to a famous actress.

Oh, keen. Maybe she'll autograph a dirty plate for me.

Uh, do you know anything about serving dinner?

Well, now, I ought to.

I've been serving dinner to Fred for 28 years.

Yes, I know, dear, but slapping down a plate

and yelling, "Fred, soup's on!"

Is not exactly what I had in mind.

- If you're gonna get nasty about this... - Oh-oh, now-now, no, no, no!

Now, now, now, I just want everything to run smoothly,

that's all, dear.

Now, look, you just serve to the left, you take away from the right.

You can remember that, can't you?

Oh, it's pretty complicated, but I'll try.

Good, good. Now, let's see.

I'm gonna have to have a buzzer to call you two from the kitchen.

Fred, come here. I've got an idea.

Come here. Could you fix a buzzer for me under the rug?

You know, the kind that you press with your foot?

- Why, sure. - Good, good boy. Thank you very much.

Now, let's see, the menu... the menu ...

Miss Bankhead is from the South...

I think I'll have a real Southern menu:

Southern fried chicken,

mashed potatoes and gravy,

hot biscuits and syrup,

black-eyed peas

and a strawberry pie.

What do you think of that, Ethel?

Oh, does it matter what the hired help thinks?

Oh, oh, yes, dear.

I have to go to the beauty parlor, and you're going to have to cook it.

What?

So, you see, Miss Bankhead, Westport is really a wonderful place

for adults as well as children.

Oh, yes, I love it here.

And speaking of children, where is that adorable little boy of yours?

I saw him playing outside.

Oh, did you? Well, he's already in bed.

Yeah, he was very tired.

He's been rehearsing all day for a show that Lucy's putting on for the PTA.

The PT what?

The PTA--

Parent-Teacher's Association.

Oh, yes!

And, uh, speaking of the show, Miss Bankhead...

Oh, call me Tallulah, darling.

Oh, thank you.

Well... Tallulah.

That's better.

Speaking of the show, and since you're such a great actress...

That's better still.

Well, I really mean it too.

- Oh, I just think you're wonderful. - Bless you.

Uh, speaking of the show, I thought perhaps you'd like to go

to the PTA meeting with me tomorrow and help out.

Lucy thought maybe you could coach the performers.

I would like to do that. It'd be fun.

Well, I want to tell you they'd just, just appreciate it so much.

After all, you've had years and years of experience.

Well, not that many years, darling.

However, you know, I think it would be fun.

I haven't been in a school since 19 hundred and ...

Well, for years and years.

Well, they sure would be impressed. I can tell you that.

[Ricky] Oh, yes, you see, they're all amateurs.

Yes?

Dinner is served.

Thank you, Mertz.

Mertz?

Uh, well, I knew you'd be surprised, dear, uh...

I bought him a new uniform this afternoon.

- Shall we? - Oh, yes, of course.

- Dear? - Oh, yes, yes.

Right this way, Miss Bankhead.

- Now, you call me Tallulah too. - Oh, all right. Thank you, Tallulah.

Thank you, darling.

Yes, I'll settle you.

- Thank you, dear. - You're welcome, Lucy.

What was that, the back door?

No, dear, that was the buzzer.

What buzzer?

The buzzer under the table

that we always use to call the butler and the maid.

Oh... Oh, that buzzer, oh.

What maid?

Ethel May...

Oh... Oh, that maid, oh...

I'm terrible at remembering names.

Oh, so am I. That's why I call everybody "darling."

Did you, uh-- You still live in Bedford Village?

Yes, Bedford Village. That's right, darling.

Pond Ridge, they call it now. You see, isn't it love...

Thank you.

Lucy thought that you might like a Southern dinner, Miss Bankhead.

Oh, fried chicken is my favorite thing of all, it...

- I bet you like hot biscuits too. - I bet.

We have a saying in the South:

"Take two and butter 'em while they're hot."

Oh, that's good, yes.

[Ricky] I love Southern dinners too.

I just love...

Clumsy!

No, thank you.

No, thanks, Fred.

They're not very dirty.

Help is such a problem these days.

Uh, Miss Bankhead... I mean, Tallulah,

uh, I thought that maybe when you get settled here in Westport,

we could show you around the town, you know?

Oh, yes, yes.

I'd love to take you into the Village and show you some of our little shops.

Well, that's awfully nice of you because I want to find a place called--

I think it's called a hardware store. Hardware?

We have a beautiful hardware store.

Oh, good, because I want to get a paint sprayer, you know.

I bought these little kitchen chairs,

and I thought it'd be rather fun if I did them myself.

Well, look, we have a paint sprayer. Why don't you borrow ours?

- [Lucy] Oh, surely. - No, I'll get one myself.

No, don't be silly. Use ours.

Now, now, now, let's not start off our friendship by borrowing things.

It only leads to trouble.

Oh, trouble. What could happen?

[Ricky] Surely. What are good neighbors for anyway?

Well, that's very sweet of you.

- Mashed potatoes, Miss Bankhead? - No, thank you very much.

Whenever I rehearse a play, I'm on a very strict diet.

No, thank you.

But life is short!

We only pass this way once.

Why not live a little?

Oh, you sounded just like you did in The Little Foxes.

Oh, did you see me in The Little Foxes?

- Five times! - Five times?

Ethel May.

Oh, I've seen every play you've ever been in.

I saw Dear Charles and The Green Hat

and They Knew What They Wanted

and The Skin of Our Teeth and Rain and Camille, all your big hits.

You left out Private Lives.

- Oh, that was my favorite one. - Oh!

And when I saw you in that movie, Lifeboat...

Ethel May, will you please stop boring Miss Bankhead?

When Miss Bankhead is bored, Miss Bankhead will let you know.

Where were we, darling?

In the Lifeboat.

I saw Lifeboat out in Albuquerque at the KiMo Theatre.

And, oh, I want to tell you, Miss Bankhead.

When you were in that boat,

floating around in that choppy water,

I was heartsick.

Oh, I started to cry and cried through all the rest of the whole picture.

Oh, no.

Makes me cry now, just thinking about it.

There's nothing I like like a good cry at the movies.

I cried harder at that movie than any other one.

Oh, it was so sad.

Ethel May, you are crying in the mashed potatoes.

Oh, that's all right. I like them salty.

Oh, it was a sad picture. Honest to goodness...

Ethel May, would you please pass the mashed potatoes?

We'd like to get on with our dinner.

Thank you, Ethel May.

You will just have to forgive their behavior, Tallulah.

Uh, you see, they've been in the family a long time.

They were family retainers,

you know, and they worked for my mother when I was a little girl.

As a matter of fact, Ethel May was my nanny.

She was a goat?

"Nanny" means nurse, dear.

Ricky's from Cuba.

Yes, I had a feeling he wasn't from Alabama.

I would fire them in a minute, but I feel sorry for them.

They're so old, you know?

Well!

Where have you been? I can't find the sugar.

I was listening at the door.

Do you know what Lucy had the nerve to tell Tallulah about me?

She said when she was a little girl, I was her nanny.

So that's what you did before I met you.

You're so funny. Wait till you hear what she said about you.

For ten bucks, she can say anything she wants about me.

- Excuse me. - Oh, Fred. Honestly!

Well, I'm not gonna go back in there and be insulted.

Lucy can just serve the rest of the dinner by herself.

But we're almost through.

All we gotta do is serve the coffee and the dessert.

And you better put that strawberry pie on the sideboard like milady told you to.

Oh, milady, my foot.

Oh, "aah" yourself.

Go on and answer it, Ethel, will you? I'll take care of the pie.

Well. But if Lucy says one more word to me,

I'm turnin' in my apron.

You rang, ma'am?

Ethel May, you seem to have forgotten the gravy.

Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am,

but you know how forgetful us old nannies are.

That will be all, Ethel May.

You bet your sweet life it will be all.

- Oh! - [Lucy] What happened?

- [Fred] Oh! - [Ethel] What happened?

- [Ricky] What happened? - What happened?

[Lucy] Oh, no!

Oh, my beautiful strawberry pie!

Why did you have to be so clumsy?

I'm not the one who came barging through the door

like a bull out of a shoot!

Did you have to come out the door just as I was going in?

It's a free door, ain't it?

Will you please confine your bickering to the kitchen?

At these prices, we should have unlimited bickering.

That's telling them, Ethel May.

Thank you, Mertz.

Oh, I'm so humiliated, I could die.

Oh, forget it, darling. This is my lucky night.

I am allergic to strawberries.

They give me hives.

Hives?

Just to think about it makes me--

Oh, I'm so glad. I mean--

- I know exactly what you mean. - Oh.

Would you like some coffee, perhaps?

- I'd love some coffee. Thank you. - Yes, yes, let's have coffee.

- - I don't know about you, Fred.

I don't know about you, Fred, but I'm quitting.

Me too!

You mean you'd give up ten dollars?

Well, now, listen, even us tightwads have our breaking point.

Oh, I'm getting sick and tired of listening to that!

- There! -

Good boy!

- Now, come on. Let's go. - Just a minute.

We'll have ourselves a little dinner, courtesy of the Ricardos.

Yeah, but don't forget, the dessert's on me.

Oh, Fred, you're so funny.

Oh, dear. Now they're not even answering the buzzer.

Maybe I'd better go out and see what's wrong.

- Will you excuse me? - Yes, dear.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Is Mrs. Ricardo at home?

No, she's at the PTA meeting. She'll be home in a minute.

Thank you very much.

Are you still mad?

As a hornet.

I just came over to return this costume to Mrs. Ricardo

and tell her that I don't care to be in her PTA show.

Well, now, look, Ethel, I don't blame you for being mad,

but Lucy got the worst of it really.

When you left, she got up to go to the kitchen

and she thought she had the napkin in her hand

and she took the whole tablecloth with her.

All the food fell on the floor. It was such a mess, she started to cry.

And then we told Miss Bankhead the truth.

We told her that you were not the maid and butler,

but that you were best friends.

Mr. Ricardo?

Yes?

I'm Winslow, Miss Bankhead's new butler.

Oh, yes, Winslow, come in.

Miss Bankhead tells me you have a paint sprayer we might borrow.

That's right. It's in the garage. We can go right here through the kitchen.

I'm going to the Village this afternoon.

I thought perhaps you might tell me how much paint the sprayer holds.

Oh, surely.

We'll be right back. Excuse me.

How do you like that? They really walk that way.

I thought I was kidding.

So did I.

I'm so mad, I could scream.

Oh, there you are, Mrs. Ricardo. I just came over to return this costume.

When I think of the work I've done, the weeks of planning

and rehearsing down the drain!

Frankly, after what happened last night, I wouldn't care to be in any...

Just like that, they call off the musical.

I'm sure you can understand my feelings when you stop...

What did you say?

I said they've called off the musical.

What did you say?

- They called off the musical? - That's right.

What do you mean, dear?

Well, I took Miss Bankhead to the PTA meeting with me.

And, of course, everyone was very impressed.

They started talking about the show

and they started asking her a lot of questions

and hanging on her every word

like she was Oscar Hammerstein or somebody.

And all of a sudden, some idiot leaped to her feet,

made a motion, and before I knew what happened,

they had changed the whole thing to a dramatic play

with Miss Bankhead in the lead.

Oh, that's too bad. All your hard work.

All these big celebrities are all alike.

The minute they get somewhere, they start throwing their weight around.

Now, Lucy, it wasn't Tallulah's idea, was it?

Well, maybe it wasn't her idea, but she certainly didn't do any objecting.

You should have seen her being so charming

and "darling" everybody all over the place.

I don't know what they need with her.

I could get the same effect sitting on the stage and blowing a foghorn.

Well, now, honey, it might all be for the best.

After all, Miss Bankhead is a great actress.

Yeah, she's a great buttinsky, if you ask me.

We were doing just great till she came along.

- - Hello?

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes, Miss Bankhead.

How's that?

Do you mean that?

Really?

Why, Tallulah, how perfectly marvelous.

Why, yes, of course. Thank you so much. Good-bye.

Isn't that Tallulah Bankhead a doll?

Which Tallulah Bankhead are you talking about?

You know, the one next door.

She thought probably that I'd be upset because they called off the musical.

So, she insists that I be in the play with her.

Says she wouldn't think of going on without me.

Well, honey, that's wonderful.

And not only that, but she insists

that you and Fred and Ethel be in the play with her too.

- No kidding? - Yeah.

Well.

What do you know? We're gonna be on the stage with the Alabama Foghorn.

Now, the duke has come to ask for the queen's hand in marriage

so their two countries will be united and live in peace.

The duke speaks to the queen's lady-in-waiting.

- Go ahead, Mr. Ricardo. Go ahead. - [Ricky clears throat]

"Greetings, fair lady.

I wouldst have an audience with the quinn."

Queen.

That's what I said, "the quinn."

Uh, "Her Majesty is expecting you, milord.

I shall tell her you await without."

- Do I curtsey? - Do a curtsey.

Now, next to the throne, Mr. Ricardo. That's the throne.

"Her Majesty, the queen."

What are you doing on here? That's Miss Bankhead's cue.

Well, I don't care.

If I'm gonna play a knight, I got to have a bigger costume.

- Fred, we're rehearsing. Can't that wait? - No, it can't.

Why not?

'Cause I can't sit down in these cast-iron coveralls.

Mrs. Wilson's in charge of the costumes. Will you take that up with her, please?

You're darn tootin' I will.

Maybe she can get a can opener and let out the pants.

Ha, ha.

Mrs. Ricardo, give the queen her cue again, please.

Okay. "Her Majesty, the queen."

Oh, Miss Bankhead.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, darling.

Oh, yes.

Up, Mrs. Ricardo, up.

"Your... Your Highness, I have come to ask for your hand.

What sayest thou, Your Majesty, honorable quinn?"

How's that again?

"Your Highness, I have come to ask for your hand.

What sayest thou, Your Majesty, honorable quinn?"

Oh, that's right! You're Cuban, aren't you?

- Shall we go on? - Oh, yes, of course.

"My heart speaketh yea in clarion tones.

It beats like an anvil inside my breast.

My heart cries yea, yea, yea..."

Who wrote this?

My husband.

How divine.

Well, now, where were we? Oh, yes. "But what of my people? What sayest they?

Pray, tell me, lady-in-waiting."

"What your noble heart desires, Your Majesty,

thy humble people desire."

"Mouth me no platitudes for the duke rules Farthington,

our bitterest enemy down through the ages,

so speak ye from your head and not from your heart."

"Oh, it is the truth I speak, my queen."

"But if this be a trick to conquer our kingdom, what say ye, then?"

"The duke has conquered your heart.

Our kingdom will be united with love."

"Say no more.

The look of happiness on your fair face

speaks louder than a million words."

You did that divinely, darling.

Oh, thank you, Miss Bankhead.

Well, now we'll press on. Let's see.

"Let there be rejoicing throughout the land.

Let this banquet be our celebration feast.

Call the royal cook."

Oh, yes.

"The Duke of Farthington, your future king,

is to be our honored guest tonight, Genevieve."

"Yes, Your Majesty."

"What is the royal menu for this historic banquet?"

"A new dish, Your Majesty: roast duckling supreme."

And I'll taste it here. You see, darling?

"This sauce is delicious. What is it?"

"Mandarin orange."

"Ah, to think that to this queen's lonely heart

at last comes love.

Gone, long..."

♪ Camptown ladies sing this song Doo-dah, doo-dah ♪

♪ Camptown races five miles long ♪

♪ All the doo-dah day ♪

- ♪I come down with my hat caved in... ♪ -

- Boys, boys! -

Who are these children-- left over from The King and I?

No, Miss Bankhead, they're the Glee Club.

They're going to sing between the scenes while we change the set.

- I see. - Oh, but, boys, you were too soon.

Now, listen carefully:

The night of the show, I'll be backstage,

and when I come on to introduce you, that's your cue.

You follow me. Remember now.

Off you go. When I come on, you follow me.

You were trying, but you were trying too hard.

Now, where were we? Oh, yes.

Then I say this long speech to the duke

and so and so and so and so and so and so

and so and so and so and so.

- "And we'll be banished for..." - "Your Majesty!"

Oh, don't do that!

"But I bear real tidings.

The armies of Farthington are storming the gates of our city."

The duke flees.

The duke does what?

Flees-- You go.

Flee, scram.

Oh.

And then I have another long speech, darling,

before I exit and the curtain comes down and I say,

and so and so and so and so and so and so...

so and so and so and so...

Oh, what an actress.

Isn't Tallulah wonderful?

I don't know. I can't hear very well through this Buster Brown bob.

It sounded to me like all she was saying was

"so and so and so and so and so..."

Oh! Oh!

"Her Majesty is expecting you, milord.

I shall tell her you await without.

Her Majesty, the quinn-- the queen!"

Oh, honestly.

- Hi. - Oh, there you are. Where you been?

I was over at Tallulah's garage.

I was showing the butler how to hook up the sprayer.

He's just starting to paint the chairs.

Now that you're here, will you help me memorize my lines?

- All right. - You be Tallulah, huh?

All right, darling.

- Oh, she's wonderful, isn't she? - Yeah.

- - Come in.

- -

Good afternoon.

Winslow, what happened?

It appears your paint sprayer is leaking.

Oh, what a shame. You've got paint all over you.

- That's not all. - What do you mean?

Miss Bankhead's car was in the garage.

- And before I could turn off the sprayer... - Oh, no!

Miss Bankhead now has a polka dot station wagon.

- [Lucy] Oh, dear. - Oh, that's terrible.

- That sprayer never leaked before. - What can we do about it, honey?

Let's see what happened with it. Come on, Winslow. We're gonna help you.

Oh, well, that's terrible.

I started to paint the chair,

but instead of coming out the front, the paint came out the back.

Then I lost my head and this happened.

Well, don't worry, Winslow.

We'll tell Miss Bankhead it wasn't your fault.

- Lucy? - What?

Did you clean the sprayer after you painted the lawn furniture?

Yes, I cleaned it.

Well, I can't understand it. The thing has never leaked before.

Always blaming me for something.

No, but it never happened before.

Oh, dear.

I guess it's the... the nozzle here.

Yeah.

Oh, I just remembered.

I did clean it after I painted the lawn furniture,

but I forgot to clean it after I painted Little Ricky's toy chest last week.

I'm s... Well, look, give it to me. I'll fix it.

What makes you think you can fix it?

Well, I'm the only one in here that hasn't got paint all over 'em.

Let's see now.

These things are probably all stopped up.

Sure, look at that. Now, that ought to work.

Let's give it a try here.

Be careful where you point that thing!

Oh, all right. If you're so worried, for heaven's sake.

Oh, Winslow...

Be careful of this one, Elsie. It's still wet.

I thought they were all dry.

I had to do that one over again.

Well, if you're going to leave it there,

you'd better make a sign that says "Wet Paint."

I'll do that.

Oh, wait a minute.

Will you help me carry this out to the washing machine?

Oh, thank you.

[Tallulah] Elsie, will you see who's at the back door, please, darling?

Oh, no.

All right. All right, don't be so impatient.

How do you do, darling?

Tallulah, I ...

[Lucy] I know how you feel, and I don't blame you for being mad.

It was a terrible thing for me to do,

but I came over to apologize and tell you how sorry I am.

Please don't be angry.

Oh, all right.

I'm sorry too.

Please forgive me. Come on in, sweetie.

- Anyway... - It was just an accident.

I know it was an accident. It was an old suit anyway.

- It didn't matter. - Oh, thank you, dear.

I, as a peace offering, brought you some of my homemade jam.

I've already been in one of your homemade jams.

You'll be glad to know that it's blackberry

and not strawberry.

You don't have to worry about getting hives.

- My hives and I thank you. - Okay.

Sit down, darling. Have a cup of coffee with me, would you?

Oh, I really can't. I want to get into New York

and get back before the play tonight.

Nonsense, nonsense. Now, you have time for a cup of coffee.

Sit down and have a cup of coffee. Now go on, dear.

- I really shouldn't. - Please...

- Well, maybe just for a minute, huh? - Coffee, coffee. Where's the coffee?

I just now found out where the kitchen was.

- Oh, really? - Now, let me see.

Oh, yes.

Well, it looks like coffee,

smells like coffee.

Let's see if it tastes like coffee.

What do you know? I made coffee.

I never thought you would stoop to this.

Stoop to what, darling?

You knew that was wet paint.

Look at me!

No wonder you insisted I sit down.

Well, I-I-I knew nothing of the kind.

Not much you didn't. Oh, what a sneaky way to get even.

I wouldn't even lower myself

to try to get even with a wacky character like you.

Wacky? Well, let me tell you something, Tallulah Bankhead.

Ethel Mertz may think you're the greatest actress in the world, but not me.

All you can do is-- Darling.

That does it.

My good woman, would you kindly leave the premises

before I grab your pink hair

and pull it out by its black roots?

Let me get this straight. Are you asking me to leave?

Throwing you out would be more accurate.

I've been thrown out of better places than this!

You have never been in better places than this!

- Is that so? - Yes, that's so.

Let me tell you something, Tallulah Bankhead!

I'll get even with you for getting even with me

if it's the last thing I do!

If you do, it will be!

And another thing--

You do a revolting imitation of me!

So do you.

Oh.

I'll see you at the play tonight, darling.

Play.

Amateur.

Lucy, is Miss Bankhead in here?

No, she isn't.

Gee, that's funny.

She was backstage just a few minutes ago,

and I dropped by her dressing room to wish her luck, and she isn't there.

I've looked everywhere, and I can't find her.

That is funny, isn't it?

Lucy, I don't like that look on your face.

Have you done something with Miss Bankhead?

Now, Ethel, I ask you,

why would I want to do anything with Miss Bankhead?

Give me one good reason.

Well, one, she got paint all over your good dress,

two, you had a big fight, and three. ...

All right, Ethel. I just asked for one.

Five minutes till curtain, Mrs. Ricardo.

Thank you.

Five minutes, Miss Bankhead.

Thank you, darling.

Lucy!

Now, Ethel, don't worry. Run along and get ready.

The show must go on, and it will.

It will. Don't worry.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Tonight we are very fortunate in having with us

that famous actress, Tallulah Bankhead,

starring in a play written by a local author: my husband.

So on with the play, The Queen's Lament.

Greetings, fair lady.

I wouldst have an audience with the quinn.

Her Majesty is expecting you, milord.

I will tell her you await without.

A great tragedy, milord.

Her Majesty has been set upon by her enemies

and has been imprisoned in the royal dungeon.

Huh?

The quinn's been locked up?

Yes, sire.

But I came to ask for her hand.

Well, that's all right. I'm the new queen. Ask for mine.

Uh...

Your Highness, uh...

I have come to ask for your hand.

What sayest thou, Your Majesty, honorable quinn?

My heart speaketh yea in clarion tones...

[Tallulah] That beats like an anvil inside my breast.

My heart cries "yea, yea, yea" a million times.

[Lucy] Uh... what happened, Your Majesty?

I thought you were imprisoned. How did you get out?

The royal janitor unlocked the royal door to the royal powder room.

Um...

Your Highness.

I have come to ask for your hand.

What sayest thou, Your Majesty, honorable quinn?

First, I must think of my people.

What sayest they?

Pray, tell me, lady-in-waiting.

I know what thou say:

What my noble heart desire, my humble people desire.

But mouth me no platitudes.

I bid ye speak from the head and not from your heart.

But before you speak,

what if this be a trick to conquer our kingdom?

What say ye, then?

Say no more!

The look of happiness on your fair face

speaks louder than a million words.

Let there be rejoicing throughout the land.

Let this banquet be our celebration feast.

Call the royal cook.

Oh, yes, the royal cook.

The Duke of Farthington, your future king,

is to be our guest tonight, Genevieve.

Yes, Your Majesty.

What is the royal menu for this historic banquet?

It's a new dish, Your Majesty:

roast duckling supreme.

The sauce is delicious. What is it?

Mandarin orange.

It tastes like strawberries.

Strawberries?

Strawberries?

Surprise!

Oh, to think that to this queen's lonely heart

at last comes love.

Gone are the long nights of solitude

and the long days filled only with the...

Today will go down in history as the...

happiest day of this queen's life.

- At long last with my loved one. - Oh, my dear prince.

I have always wanted to know how true happiness feels.

At last I know.

I never dreamed it could be like this.

I have always prided myself on being a firm but a just queen,

ruling with a strong but firm and kind hand,

and now we will rule as one.

I trust that I can count upon your help.

Our two hearts are united at last.

[Lucy] Your Majesty, the armies of Farthington

are storming the gates of our fair city.

Oh, this is a typical cruel trick

perpetrated by a scurrilous man.

He will never conquer this woman's kingdom.

Evil will never triumph...

...over good.

Villainous though he may be, he will never conquer this kingdom

because evil can never triumph over good.

He has trampled upon my heart,

but he will never conquer this kingdom.

He departs with the knowledge

that though he may have stolen this queen's heart...

♪ Camptown ladies sing this song Doo-dah, doo-dah ♪

♪ Camptown races five miles long ♪

♪ All the doo-dah day ♪

♪ I come down there With my hat caved in... ♪

Well, I am telling you,

you've done some pretty terrible things in your days,

but this tops them all.

- It sure does. - Yeah.

Well, don't everybody yell at me.

You ruined the whole school show.

Well, I didn't mean to ruin the whole show.

I only meant to ruin Tallulah Bankhead.

Gee, do you think they'll do anything to me?

You'll probably be the first mother to be expelled from the PTA.

- Oh... -

Where is she? Where is she?

Where is she?

Oh, there she is.

Mrs. Ricardo, the audience loved it.

Well, I'm sorry, I did...

- They what? - The audience loved it.

- They loved it? - Loved it?

I don't blame you for being surprised. So was my husband.

He didn't know he was a comedy writer.

Everyone said it was the funniest show they'd ever seen.

In fact, they want you to do it again tomorrow night.

We'll make a fortune for the PTA.

Will you do it?

Uh... Well, I ...

Oh, I know you're too excited to answer me now.

We'll discuss it later. Oh, it was wonderful!

They just loved it.

Well, honey, it looks like I did it again, huh?

Well, you might have done it again, but you're not gonna do it again.

What do you mean?

She said the audience loved it.

Do you think that Tallulah Bankhead is gonna go on the stage with you again

after all the things you did to her?

Oh, yeah.

Ew...

[Tallulah] Lucy?

Yes?

I want to talk to you.

Yes, Miss Bankhead?

I hear they want us to do this clambake again tomorrow night.

Yes, Miss Bankhead. I'm terribly sorry, I ...

Well, will you do it?

I ...

You mean you'd be willing to do it again?

Of course.

Oh, I thought you'd be so furious,

you'd never want to be on the same stage with me again.

Darling, you have no idea what I would do to get a laugh.

Now, I thought for tomorrow night's show,

I thought of lots of divine bits of business.

- For instance, Ethel, I think... - You mean more things?

Of course. I think you, darling,

ought to bring on the strawberry sauce in the very beginning of the play.

Then I can scratch all through the performance.

[Lucy] Oh, yeah.

Maybe when I come out in the armor, I could ride a horse.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, like I promised Lucy...

By the way, where is she?

Well, anyway, here's the car that was approved and approved around the world.

The 1958 Ford!

Lucy, what are you doing?

Oh, I found some dust on here. I think it came all the way from Paris.

You know, this is the best-looking car in town,

and you try to make it look better.

It's impossible.

Have you ever seen French dust?

Women. You know, all they think about is what a car looks like.

How 'bout how it goes?

I know it goes.

Yeah, yeah, but you ever stop to think what makes it go?

Certainly. It has a thingamajig under the hood.

It's not a "jig-amajig."

It's an interceptor V-8 engine with precision fuel induction.

Oh, you should have stuck with "jig-amajig."

Never mind.

Best thing that happened to V-8 engines in the last 25 years.

I know. I drive it myself.

- Well, you're not the only one. - Yeah?

- You know what I go for? - What?

This new Magic-Circle Steering. It makes turning so easy.

- Yeah, even you can park it. - I sure can.

Ah, and this new Cruise-O-Matic Drive. It's so cute.

- Lucy, it's not cute. It's the greatest. - Oh.

Well, you better tell the folks to try a '58 Ford at their Ford dealers.

You're right.

There is nothing newer in the world than a 1958 Ford.

We just love ours.

The Lucille Ball Desi Arnaz Show.

Directed by Jerry Thorpe.

Written by Madelyn Martin, Bob Carroll, Jr.,

Bob Schiller and Bob Weiskopf.

Produced by Bert Granet.

Executive producer Desi Arnaz.

Others in tonight's cast were Elvia Allman,

Richard Deacon and Phyllis Kennedy.

The Lucille Ball Desi Arnaz Show

is a Desilu production.

Your host tonight has been Ford.

There's nothing newer in the world.

Ford also brings you Dick Powell's Zane Grey Theatre

on most of these same stations.

Consult your local listings for day and time.