Original subtitles

Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to our new show.

It's very nice to be back with you again.

Lucy and I sincerely hope

that you're going to enjoy our program this year.

And we're sure that you're going to get a big thrill

out of seeing the brand-new 1958 Fords in our program tonight.

We have some wonderful guests lined up for you.

- [Lucy] Psst. - What's the matter?

It's time to do the show.

- Oh. Time to do the show. -

I'll see you in a minute.

- -

Ford

and the Ford dealers of your community

present the new Lucille Ball-Desi Arnaz Show.

With guest stars...

Ann Sothern,

Cesar Romero,

Rudy Vallee,

Hedda Hopper,

and, of course,

Vivian Vance, William Frawley

and Little Ricky.

- Here she is. She's coming up the drive! -

- Who's here? - Hedda Hopper.

- Who's Hedda Hopper? - Oh, she's a famous columnist, darling,

and she's gonna do a story on how Mommy and Daddy first met.

Oh, dear!

What are you doing?

Oh, I don't know. I'm so nervous, I don't know what I--

- - There she is!

Now take it easy, honey.

Honey, now mind your manners

- in front of Hedda Hopper, see? - Okay, Mommy.

And for goodness sake, don't say anything about her funny hat.

Yes, Mommy.

Hello, Miss Hopper, how are you?

Ricky, it's so good to see you again.

- It's nice to see you. - Thank you.

You remember Lucy.

Why, of course. How are you, Lucy?

Fine, Miss Hopper. This is our Little Ricky.

Well, hello, Little Ricky.

I've a granddaughter just about your same age.

How do you do, Miss Hopper?

I'm not supposed to say anything about your funny hat.

Well, that's all right. Everybody makes fun of my hat.

I'd be furious if they didn't.

You know, Bob Hope says it's the only hat in Hollywood

that gives him hay fever.

Oh, no. He said that?

- Well, won't you sit down, Miss Hopper? - Yeah, sit down, please.

Now, let's get right down to business.

- Okay. - How did you two people first meet?

Well, I was in Havana, you know. I was living down there,

- and Lucy and her girlfriend-- - Hi!

- Hi, there. - [Ricky] Hi.

Oh, we didn't know you had company.

- [Ricky] Oh. - We'll come back later.

Yes, we'll come back later.

Okay, you do that. Now, where were we?

Well, I--

Miss Hopper, these are our best friends, the Mertzes.

- Miss Hedda Hopper. - Oh, how do you do, Miss Hopper?

How do you do? I'm doing an article on how Lucy and Ricky first met.

Oh, well, we were there at the time.

- But we'll come back later. - Yes, we'll come back later.

Well, if you were there,

maybe you could help fill in some of the details.

Well, now, if you insist.

You see, we were on this tropical cruise.

It was our honeymoon.

Honeymoon? You'd already been married 12 years.

Well, it was a sort of a belated honeymoon.

Yeah, I wanted to be sure the marriage would last

before I spent a lot of dough on a trip like that.

Don't print that in your story.

Maybe we'd better start at the very beginning.

Now, tell me, how did you two meet?

Please, please, I think it would be better if one person spoke at the time.

- So do I. - Thank you.

You see, it all started 17 years ago.

I was a secretary in New York,

and, uh, this friend of mine, Susie MacNamara,

she was a secretary in the same office.

And we saved our money to go on this ocean cruise.

You see, Susie and I were looking for some culture.

The way I remember, you had your hooks out for a man.

Well, let's just say we were looking for some cultured men.

You see, Miss Hopper,

the, uh, travel folder on this cruise to Havana

promised us romance, excitement, adventure.

Well, we soon found out that things were quite different.

Apparently, a lot of women had the same idea.

Hi.

Hi. Any luck?

I have searched this boat, stem to stern, top to bottom,

fore and aft, and I haven't found one available man.

I hate to tell you, Lucy,

we're traveling on a floating YWCA.

Brother, they weren't kidding

when they said this ship was on its maiden voyage.

Yeah.

Well, wait till I get my hands on that cruise director.

Do you remember how he promised us all this romance

and excitement and adventure?

- Ha! - Yeah.

Well,

there's another dance on board tonight.

Do you wanna go?

Eh. Do you?

On one condition.

Tonight, you lead.

Well, he's better than nothing.

I was looking for something a little younger.

Yeah, so was I.

- Oh, dear. -

You know, the farther we go, the younger he looks.

Let's ask him if he'll go to the dance with us tonight, huh?

- Pardon us, sir. - Pardon us.

Well.

How do you do?

- Uh, my name is Susan MacNamara. - Well.

- And I'm Lucy McGillicuddy. - Ah.

I'm, uh, Freddy Mertz.

[Lucy] Well, how do you do, Mr. Mertz?

It's nice to know you two.

You know, uh, Susie and I were just saying

that you look like the kind of man that would be a good dancer.

Do you like to dance?

- Do I like to dance? - Mm-hmm.

Well, I'm a regular dancing fool.

- Are you? - Oh, really?

- Well, look at that. -

[Lucy] Oh, boy, you sure are.

Y-Y-You know, there's a dance on board tonight,

but I suppose a man like you already has a date.

Yes, he has.

Get away, girl, we saw him first.

Oh, I wish you had, but unfortunately I did.

Pardon me.

This is Mrs. Mertz.

- Lucille McGillicuddy and Susie MacNamara. - How do you do?

Come on, Freddy, we're going to play ping-pong.

I can't play ping-pong now, honeybunch.

I've got an appointment with a barber to have my hair cut.

Oh, honestly, you pay more attention to that hair than you do to me.

Sometimes I wish you were bald.

Oh, yeah? Well, don't worry.

That's one thing that'll never happen to me.

- See you at the dance, girls. - Oh, don't be too sure.

Well, now, are we having a jolly time?

Yeah, how about tossing around the old medicine ball?

How about tossing around some young men?

Oh, come now, got to keep in shape, you know.

For whom?

Oh.

You promised us this cruise was going to be romantic.

How can it be romantic without any men?

Well, sometimes our passenger list

doesn't balance out just the way we hoped it would.

- Oh, you can say that again. - Yeah.

Well, let's have a little workout.

It'll take your mind off men.

You leave our minds right where they are.

You know, I have a notion just to report you to your company director.

- Well, but-- - Why did you give us false information?

Please, Miss McGillicuddy, take your hands off my whistle.

I'll let you in on a little secret.

- There is an eligible man on board. - Oh?

In fact, one of the most eligible men in America.

- Who? Who? Who is it? - Who is it?

- Uh-uh-uh. - Who? Who?

Rudy Vallee.

- Rudy Vallee! - Rudy Vallee!

- Shh! - Yeah, shh!

Rudy Vallee!

Now, if Rudy Vallee is on this boat, how come we haven't seen him?

Yeah.

Well, due to an excess of feminine admirers,

Mr. Vallee has wisely chosen to remain locked in his cabin.

Oh.

And I don't suppose you'd choose to tell us

what cabin he has wisely chosen to stay locked into?

- No, I don't suppose I would. - Oh.

And I don't want you girls up here on deck bothering him

when he takes his eleven o'clock stroll tonight.

Eleven o'clock stroll.

On this deck.

Oh, if Mr. Cunard ever hears about this, I'll be demoted to the Albany night boat.

You don't have to worry about us. We won't bother him.

- No, of course not. - No.

Oh, what a relief.

Well, don't forget:

hot bullion and soda wafers at snack time. Bye!

You know, I think I'll play bridge tonight.

Fine, you do that. You're so good at bridge.

Oh, thank you.

I think I'll see the movie they're showing.

Oh, good. It's a double feature.

- Oh, is it? - Mm-hmm.

Oh, good.

Hi!

I thought you were playing bridge.

Oh, I am, I am. I, uh--

I-- I was dummy.

I just thought I'd step out for a breath of fresh air.

- Oh. -

I thought you were at the movies.

Oh, I was, but I, uh-- I just couldn't stand it any longer.

Oh, what was showing?

A Hundred Men and a Girl.

Yes, I see what you mean.

Shouldn't you be getting back to your bridge game?

Oh, yes, I guess I should.

Um, shouldn't you be getting back to the movies?

Yeah, I guess I can get back in now.

- Cartoon's probably on. - Yes.

What a nice surprise running into you like this.

Likewise.

Admit it, Lucy McGillicuddy,

you just sneaked up here to meet Rudy Vallee.

You sneaked up here for the same reason.

Oh.

Look, why don't you get lost. I was here first.

Well, I was here second, and I'm not budging.

Well, neither am I.

Now, look here, you've got Harold in Shipping at the office.

I don't know why you wanna hog everybody.

Well, look, I'll tell you what.

You let me have Rudy, and I'll let you have Harold.

Big deal.

What if I throw in Wilbur in Accounting?

I don't care if you throw in Wilbur, the whole accounting department

and that new salesman we don't know if he's married or not yet,

I'm staying right here.

Well, so am I.

And I'm keeping Harold too.

Oh!

Good evening, Mr. Vallee.

- Good evening, Mr. Vallee. - Good evening.

- It's a lovely evening for a stroll. - Yes, it is.

Mr. Vallee, there's nothing like the sea air is there, Mr. Vallee?

Absolutely. It's splendid for my sinus condition.

That's the secret of my singing.

Oh, is that so? You mean, it clears your--

It clears your sinuses?

No, it clogs them.

Oh!

Well, I thought you--

Oh, Mr. Vallee!

Mr. Vallee!

Mr. Vallee!

Oh, Mr. Vallee, please.

Wait a minute!

Lucy, come on!

- Susie! - Oh, what?

- All right, Lucy! -

Where'd you put him?

I haven't got him.

- Well, then, where could he have gone? - Well, not far.

He's got to be on the boat.

Gee.

How do I know you haven't got him stashed away somewhere?

If I had him stashed away, I'd be stashed away with him.

- Very strange indeed. - Yes, it is. I've looked everywhere.

I don't know where he went.

Gee.

- Most-- - He was right-- right--

And he went--

Pardon me. Have you seen Rudy Vallee?

I went that way. I mean, he--

No!

Now, just a minute, Mr. Vallee!

Mr. Vallee! Mr. Vallee!

The cruise director gave me his word that Rudy Vallee was on board.

And I wormed it out of him that he takes a walk

on this very deck at eleven o'clock every night!

Let's spread out and make a giant--

- [Rudy] Please, please. -

Wait, wait. You're not acting like good women.

- There he is! - There you are!

- Mr. Vallee! - One more step and I'll jump.

Oh, Mr. Vallee, surely you don't mean that.

By George, he meant it!

- Man overboard! Man overboard! -

Hey, Carlos! Carlos, wake up!

- What happened? - Look!

Our ship, she's coming in!

Wake up, everybody!

Our ship, she's coming in!

♪ Wake your smile up ♪

♪ Rip your frown off♪

♪ We've got plenty of reason to grin ♪

♪ Do you see what I see? ♪

♪ From over the high sea ♪

♪ Our ship is coming in ♪

Hurrah!

♪ Turn the town on ♪

♪ Shine the streets up ♪

♪ Call your neighbors And send for your kin ♪

♪ I've got the rumberos ♪

♪ Got "souvineros" ♪

♪ Our ship is coming in ♪

♪ No more of these empty pockets ♪

♪ Money is gonna flow free ♪

♪ We're gonna help them Spend their vacation ♪

♪ Buenos días ♪

♪ Hooray for you You're in Havana ♪

♪ To have some fun ♪

♪ And there are lots of things to see ♪

- ♪ And do ♪ - ♪ And listen to ♪

♪ And buy ♪

♪ By that he means We're at your service ♪

♪ By night or day ♪

♪ To drive you to the new Havana stay ♪

♪ He means you're gonna meet Viejo Pintura ♪

That's our horse, Old Paint.

♪ Who knows every point Of interest in the town ♪

♪ He's anxious to show you Why we all love Havana ♪

♪ So don't let poor Viejo Pintura down ♪

♪ Come on along Come on along ♪

♪ Come on along And meet Havana ♪

♪ And we'll come too ♪

- ♪ You'll learn Havana's magic word ♪ - ♪ Amor ♪

- ♪ Amor ♪ - ♪ Amor ♪

♪ Come on along And meet Havana ♪

♪ Havana wants to meet you ♪

Hola!

- [Ricky speaks Spanish] - [Carlos speaks Spanish]

- Señoritas. - Señorita.

[Ethel] Oh, my.

Well, I'm so glad we got to know each other.

- So am I . - I hope you have a nice time today.

- Thank you. I hope you do too. - Thank you.

- Have fun! - Bye!

Well, Mr. Vallee, I'm awfully sorry about what happened.

Yes, how's your cold?

- - Oh ...

At least you didn't get pneumonia.

No thanks to you.

Fortunately, for music lovers everywhere,

I was on the Yale swimming team.

Oh.

Mr. Vallee, can you ever forgive me?

- No. - Oh.

Well ...

Oh, come on now, girls. Don't look so down at the mouth.

I'm sure you'll find romance here in Havana.

Now, just don't give us that romance routine again.

I am going straight to your steamship company

and demand all of my 84.50 back.

Yeah.

I've had more romance in the Staten Island Ferry for a nickel.

- Uh, girls. - What?

You see those two fellows over there?

- [Lucy] Yeah. - [Susie] What about 'em?

They're just dying to meet you.

- They are? - They are?

- Really? - Yes.

However, introductions in Cuba have to be handled very delicately,

- so you wait here. - [Susie] Oh.

Eh, how do you like that?

We didn't get a fare again.

I don't understand it.

Yeah, well, I do.

People just don't like a drive in a-- in a horse-drawn cab anymore.

They want an automobile.

Well, I don't care.

They have more fun when they ride with us.

Well, nobody rides with us.

Well, if they did ride with us, they'd have a lot more fun.

- Oh... - Automobile--

Oh, look, Ricky, Ricky, look, look.

Partner, let's face it.

We're gonna have to get rid of Viejo Pintura.

Shh! He'll hear you.

He's very sensitive.

Would you fellows like to earn ten dollars?

- Yeah. - What do we have to do?

Escort two young ladies around town and show them romantic Havana.

- Which two? - What's the difference?

We'll do it.

Good. It's those two ladies right over there.

Now, I want you to have them back at their hotel by midnight,

- and I'll be waiting out front to pay you. - Oh, sure. Fine, thank you.

Good. Just give me a moment,

and then come over and introduce yourselves.

- All right. - Okay.

Well, uh, they were very shy,

but I arranged everything.

- Oh, thank you. - Well, that's very nice of you.

- Thank you. - Have a good time, huh?

- Thank you. - Well!

- Things are looking up. - Yeah.

Who gets who?

- I like the one with the mustache. - So do I.

Well, um, I was thinking of the other one for you,

the one with the shoe-button eyes.

He is not my type.

Well, he's not mine either.

All right, call it.

Heads.

Two out of three?

Now, Lucy, don't be so fussy.

You're only going for a sightseeing tour. You're not gonna marry the guy.

- Buenos días, señoritas. - Buenos días.

- Buenos días. - Allow us to introduce ourselves.

- Oh, they speak English. - Yeah.

This is my friend, Carlos Garcia.

- Encantado, señorita. - How do you do?

- And I'm Ricky Ricardo. - Oh, how do you do?

- My name is Susan MacNamara. - [Ricky] Miss MacNamara.

- And this is Lucy... - McGillicuddy!

- [Carlos] How do you do? - How do you do, Mr. Garcia?

- Miss "McGillikurry." - McGillicuddy! Cuddy. Cuddy.

Your luggage here?

- No, not yet. - Not yet.

- Would you excuse us for a minute, please? - Surely.

- Come with me. - Excuse us.

I'll take the blond.

No, that's the one I want. You take the other one.

The other one is not my type.

- What's the matter with her? - I don't like redheads.

Well, wait a minute.

Cara.

He-he, cruz.

- Dos por tres. - No, no, no, no, ya gané.

Oh, look, Ricky, don't be silly.

It's only for one evening. You're not gonna see her again anyway.

Señoritas.

- Yes, here's the luggage. - Those two are mine.

And-- And, uh, this is mine. And I'll take this.

Oh, let him carry it for you.

Oh, yes.

Well...

Miss McGillicuddy.

Whoa, whoa.

He means the horse, not you.

Oh.

Why are we stopping here?

Well, this is Paradise Point.

See, right over there is supposed to be the most romantic spot in all Havana.

Oh.

It is said that if a boy and a girl look at that view together,

they instantly fall in love.

Carlos, come on, sing us a song.

All right.

Lucy.

Come on, Ricky.

Oh, I know that song.

- I learned it in high school. - Oh?

Why did everybody stop singing?

Your voice!

What's the matter with it?

It's terrible!

Well, you should talk. You're no Rudy Vallee yourself.

Rudy Vallee. Well, I could sound like him if I wanted to.

Hmm.

♪ My time is your time ♪

How dare you make fun of Rudy!

Gee, you'd think you knew him personally.

Well, it just so happens that I do.

He was on the boat with us, and he went overboard for me.

Oh, sure, sure.

All right, if you don't believe me.

Susie, don't I know Rudy Vallee?

Susie?

- Huh? - Don't I know Rudy Vallee?

Rudy who?

Oh, for heaven's sake. Giddyap.

Oh, she means the horse, not you.

Why did you bring us to this crummy little place?

Because my uncle owns this crummy little place.

Oh.

What-- What do they call it?

- El Tambor. - What?

El Tambor. It means drum.

See, all the tables.

Every table is a drum, see?

Very clever.

Would you like to order now?

Oh, uh, would you like a drink before dinner?

Our Cuban rum is very famous.

No, thank you. I don't drink.

How about you?

I don't even want dinner.

Tres. Tres dinners.

Uh, make that two.

- Dos. Dos dinners. - Thank you.

Would you like to dance?

Oh, I'd love to.

Miss McGillicuddy?

Oh, thank you.

Por nada.

What?

Por nada. It means "you're welcome."

Oh.

They're very nice.

Violetas.

Violetas?

- Sí. - Violetas.

You know, now that I look at this place, it's really quite picturesque.

I'm sorry I called it crummy.

Oh, that's all right.

Now that I look at it, it is kind of crummy, yeah.

Oh!

No, it isn't. It's really very nice.

You know, you-- you're very cute when you smile.

So are you.

Gracias.

Por nada.

- That's very good. -

Violetas... por nada.

- Gracias. - Gracias.

Por nada.

Would you care to dance?

Sí, sí.

You know, you dance very well for a foreigner.

I'm not a foreigner, I'm an American.

I know, but this is Cuba.

- Oh, that's right, yeah. I forgot. -

Do people always dance this close in Cuba?

Uh-huh.

We don't dance this close in America.

Well, um, Cuba is a lot smaller than America.

That's true, yes. That's true.

[Susie] Oh, Carlos, such a wonderful orchestra.

Such a wonderful-- Lucy?

Oh.

Come on, honey.

- Ricky. - That was fun.

How about a number for us?

Oh, no, not tonight. I don't want to sing.

- Oh, come on, Ricky. Sing a song for us. - Aw, Ricky, sing a song.

Please sing. I love your singing.

- You do? - Yes.

All right, señorita, just for you.

[Susie] All right!

♪ When his heart is too full for words ♪

♪ A man's guitar speaks for him ♪

♪ Or he'd make his violin sing ♪

♪ When his lady needs convincing ♪

♪ You may think I'm at a disadvantage ♪

♪ But I-I-I-I manage ♪

♪ When a señorita whispers, "Go away" ♪

♪ All I do is smile at her and say ♪

♪ That means I love you ♪

♪ She may argue when I try to steal a kiss ♪

♪ But the winning argument is this ♪

♪ That means I love you ♪

♪ That means I'm lonely ♪

♪ That means, "Are you?" ♪

♪ That means if only My one dream comes true ♪

♪ If you're having trouble Follow my advice ♪

♪ Let a conga brother break the ice ♪

♪ That means I love you ♪

What did we say? What did we say?

- Not here, please. - Oh.

♪ If you're having trouble Follow my advice ♪

♪ Brother, let a conga break the ice ♪

♪ That means that I love you ♪

Gee, when it happens, it sure happens fast, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Ain't amor grand?

- It's real bueno. - Hmm.

- Sí, sí. - Mmm.

What are we so happy about?

When we get on that boat tomorrow, we'll never see them again.

Gee, that's right.

Lucy, why don't we stay down here and get jobs?

Oh, I couldn't do that.

But why not?

Well, what would I do?

I don't know how to write shorthand in Spanish.

Well, you don't know how to write it in English either.

Look who's talking, the queen of the coffee breaks.

Oh...

♪ That means I love you ♪

What does that mean?

That means I'm pooped.

Let's go to bed.

[Ricky] Their room is right up there, see?

Boy, I sure must be in love.

I never thought I'd be serenading anybody for free.

Me, either.

Where have you fellows been?

I've been looking all over for you. I want to give you your money.

- [Ricky] What money? - You know, for taking out the girls.

Here you are, ten dollars for taking those pests off my hands.

- Well, look, we don't want your money. - Huh?

- We're in love. - Sí, we're in love.

Well, that's wonderful.

I'll never forget you,

and, uh, Mr. Cunard will never forget you either.

♪ When his heart is too full for words ♪

♪ A man's guitar speaks ♪

- Oh, hi. - Hi, there.

Buenos di-as.

- Buenos di-as. - Yeah.

Did you have a good time yesterday?

We saw you leaving with those two handsome Latins.

I was hoping one of them would turn out to be Mr. Right.

They were just a couple of gigolos.

They were paid to take us out.

Oh, isn't that terrible?

Imagine being paid to take a girl out.

How do you like that, Fred?

I'd like that fine.

Good morning.

We'd like to ask you something.

- Yeah. - What?

Is it an American custom to drop a flowerpot

on the head of the man you love?

Is it a Cuban custom to accept money for taking out the woman you love?

What are you talking about?

We saw that man pay you off for taking us out.

Yes, and in America, we have a name for men like you.

Yeah.

You mean yigolos?

Yes, "yigolos."

Oh, now, wait a minute. That fella didn't pay us to take you out.

No, you know, he-- he was going to, but we wouldn't take his money.

- Oh, sure, mm-hmm. - No, you can ask the fella yourself.

Yeah, why don't you ask the man?

I wouldn't take money for taking you out.

Ricky, is this the truth?

Cross my heart.

Cuban Scouts' honor.

Shall we believe them?

Oh, well, how could anybody so tall, dark, handsome and beautiful be a liar?

Lucy?

You sure are cute when you smile.

You know, we do have a custom in America.

After you have a fight, you kiss and make up.

- Don't we, Susie? - Yes.

Oh, that's a very lovely custom.

- That's a wonderful custom. - We like it.

[Ricky] Quite the custom. Sí.

Aah.

Don't look at me.

Oh, Fred.

- - What the...

What's the matter, honey?

What did I do? What did I do?

Nothing.

Then what are you crying for?

Because in a few hours, we'll be leaving,

and I'll never see you again.

Oh, honey, don't cry, now.

You're never going to see him again either.

Gee, that's right.

Well, what are we gonna do?

- Well, now, I think I got an idea. - What?

You know, well, last night I couldn't sleep at all.

Why not?

- Well, I had a throbbing pain from... - Oh.

That's all right, dear.

As a matter of fact, I'm glad it happened because it gave me time to think.

You're lucky. All it gave me was a headache.

Ah.

Really, I think I got a wonderful plan here.

- What? - Well, you know that Carlos and I,

we have to have guaranteed jobs to go to America.

I know that, I know that.

Well, you said that Rudy Vallee

was a very good friend of yours, didn't you?

Yeah, why?

Well, Carlos plays the guitar, and I play the drum and sing,

and if Rudy Vallee is such a good friend of yours,

you could get him to give us an audition,

and he could give us jobs with his orchestra,

and we could all go to America together.

Magnífico! Ricky, that's a wonderful idea.

Isn't that a wonderful idea?

Yeah, peachy keen.

Yeah, well, uh...

Would you talk to him?

Yeah, I'll talk to him.

- - Oh. Well, speak of the devil.

Go on, dear, talk to him.

- Now? - Yes, dear, go ahead.

- Now, you mean? - Go on.

We'll go get our guitar, and we're gonna audition right here.

Lucy.

Pardon me, Mr. Vallee.

Oh, no, it's you again.

Yes, I'm afraid it is. Could I talk to you for a moment, Mr. Vallee?

- It's very important. - No, some other time.

Look, I don't blame you for being upset about what happened on the boat,

but I must talk to you for just a minute, please.

It grieves me to say this to anyone, but my time is not your time.

Mr. Vallee, please, I've just got to talk to you for one minute.

I've had every type of fan, but, young lady, you are certainly unique.

Well, thank you, thank you. I am one of your biggest fans,

and my friends over there, they're big fans of yours, too.

As a matter of fact, they are all officers

of the International Rudy Vallee Fan Club.

So won't you come over and say hello to them?

Tell them to write me, and I'll send them autographed photographs.

Mr-- Mr. Vallee, I don't think you understand.

I-- I do think you should come over there.

You see, this is an emergency.

- You see-- You see that blonde there? - Yes.

Well, she is a troublemaker.

I am having great difficulty keeping her from swinging the whole group

over to that newcomer, Bing somebody-or-other.

I suppose that does call for the personal touch.

Yes, it does.

I recall a similar problem several years ago

when I was forced to stump the country to stem the rising tide for Nelson Eddy.

- Ah. You know what I mean, then. - Yes, yes.

You know just what I mean.

So the personal touch is called for, Mr. Vallee.

Well, here he is.

I was telling Mr. Vallee what big fans we are of his

and how we adore his singing.

Oh, yes.

Yes, Mr. Vallee. I could listen to you sing all day.

So could I.

What about you, young lady?

- About me? - Yes.

Oh, oh, well, I think I have every record

you and your Connecticut Yankees ever made.

- Every record! Do you have... -

♪ Well, I'm just a vagabond lover ♪

♪ In search of a sweetheart, it seems ♪

Oh, yes, I love that one.

- My friends Ricky and Carlos here-- - And do you also have...

♪ Oh, fill the steins of dear old Maine ♪

♪Shout till the rafters raise ♪

Oh, you sing that one beautifully.

- Do you know "Cielito Lindo"? - Yes.

[Vallee] "Cielito Lindo," I'm afraid I don't.

Well, it just so happens that they do.

I don't know "Cielito Lindo," but I do know "The Whiffenpoof Song."

♪ We are poor little lambs ♪

♪ Who have lost our way ♪

♪ Baa, baa, baa ♪

Mr. Vallee, can't you be quiet for a minute?

I beg your pardon.

Can't you be quiet for a minute and listen to someone else sing?

I, Rudy Vallee, listen to someone else sing?

Mr. Vallee, I don't mean to be rude, but we don't have much time,

and I want you to hear Carlos and Ricky sing before the boat leaves.

That's why we ask you to come over here.

Then am I to assume this is all a ruse

and that you're not members of my international fan club?

- [Susie stammers] - Well, now, not exactly, no.

We are big fans of yours, and we adore your singing. But I--

You're nothing but a prevaricating charlatan.

Well!

You can't call the woman I love a prevaricated charlatan!

What does that mean?

I don't know, but it sounds awful.

- You take that back! - Yeah, take it back!

Keep out of this, you unpleasant peasant!

Now, now, how dare you call him an unpleasant peasant!

You Crosby-lover.

Crosby-lover? Oh ...

Don't push me!

Buenas tardes.

Buenas tardes, Your Honor.

Been drinking that rum again, huh?

- No, Your Honor. - You know what I told you about that.

What makes you think... ...that?

What's that under your coat?

Hey! Silencio! Silencio.

Silencio.

Say, are you Rudy Vallee?

Guilty, Your Honor.

Well, I'm a big fan of yours.

In fact, I have all your records. How are you?

Do you have...

♪ We are poor little lambs ♪

Hey! Now, what's happened here?

You tell him, honey.

- Mm-hmm. -

- Uh-huh. -

♪ Baa, baa, baa ♪

That's right.

Why didn't you want to let this boy sing?

I didn't know they wanted to sing for me until it was too late.

Oh. Oh, well, then, Your Honor, in that case,

perhaps they could sing for him right now.

- [Vallee] Here? - Why not? Sing!

Sing, oh, yes, sing, sing.

All right, I have another guitar.

- [Ricky] Oh, señor, gracias. - Gracias.

Well, Mr. Vallee?

Excellent! They'll be our new Cuban vogue in the United States,

and I have two new Connecticut Yankees.

- - Yankees from Connecticut!

Hey, we got a lot to do if we're gonna make that boat.

You have to go to the consulate to get your exit permit.

We'd better get going.

- Just a moment! Just a moment! - Hey, hey, hey, hey!

- Who's gonna pay for the damages? - Yeah, the damages.

How much?

Boy, I don't have any money.

Well, I don't either.

Well, I don't have that much money.

We don't know the amount yet.

Whatever it is, he doesn't have that much money.

I'll pay it.

[Lucy, Susie] Oh, Mr. Vallee.

I guess you're just about the nicest person in the whole world.

- Well, if you insist. -

- How much is it? - I have to call my boss and find out.

- He's picking it up. Can I use your phone? -

Oh, gosh, we'll never make that boat on time.

- Oh, yes, they will. Yes, they will. - Hurry!

- Well? - It's busy.

Well, here's $100. That ought to cover it. Now we can all go.

No. Somebody has to stay here and find out how much it is.

Well, look, look, we'll stay here and you fellas go ahead.

All right. Goodbye, honey.

Hey, hey, wait a minute.

- Wait a minute! Wait a minute! - Now what? Now what?

It's siesta time.

You'll have a terrible time getting to the consulate.

I'd better go along with you.

How sweet of you.

Hey, Officer, see that this man gets his money all right, now.

- Gracias, señor. - Goodbye. Bye-bye.

- Hurry up. Try call the hotel again. - Try calling again.

For corn's sake. If we don't hurry up and get out of here,

none of us will make the boat.

We got to go back and pack and check out of the hotel.

- Yes. - So do we.

- Well? - It's still busy.

Oh, dear. But keep trying.

Would you pack for us, and we'll meet you on the boat?

We're in 6B. Would you do that?

- Oh, we'd be happy to. - Don't worry, don't worry.

Ooh, I got the hotel. I got the hotel.

- Good, good. - Hello, boss. Yes.

I'm down at the police station. Uh-huh.

They want to know how much the damage has come to. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. I'll tell them.

- How much? - He says it comes to $235.

- $235? - $235? For what?

- 157 broken dishes, three marble tables-- - Oh, never mind.

How much have you got, Susie?

Gee, I've only got $17.

I got $25, that's a hundred and--

- That's $142. - $142.

The damages are $235.

You are $93 short.

Oh.

I don't suppose you'd take a discount for cash.

I'm sorry, señorita.

You'll either have to pay the damages, or I'll have to put you in jail.

Jail?

Well, you can't put us in jail.

Can you?

I most certainly can if you don't pay the damages.

- - I never heard anything like that

in my life.

What do you mean, put us in jail? We have to catch that boat.

Our friends won't know what happened to us.

- That's right. - That's no concern of mine.

[Susie] Oh, honestly.

Boy, if that judge was here, he wouldn't treat us like this.

Well, you can talk to him about it when he gets back.

I never heard of anything like this in my life.

Here, take this, señorita.

What for?

We like our prisoners to be comfortable.

I guess they bring the bread later.

- Now follow me. - Oh.

"Follow me. Follow me. Follow me."

Boy, what a gloomy little pokey this is.

Yeah, they didn't mention this place in the travel folder.

They sure didn't.

I hope the judge gets back here in a hurry and gets us out.

Just don't worry. He will.

Boy, it's hot in here.

Do you want another glass of water?

Yes, please.

- Here you are. - Thank you.

This water tastes so funny.

Well, water always tastes funny in a different country.

You have to get used to it.

Yeah.

I'm getting used to it now.

Good.

Mrs. Ricky Ricardo.

And Mrs. Carlos Garcia.

You know, we really owe that cruise director an apology.

Thanks to that boy, we both met the men of our...

The men of our what?

The men of our...

- What? - Dreams.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

Oh, that's quite all right.

I know how to cure those hiccups.

I don't very often have hiccups, but I've certainly got them now.

Well, here, honey. You just drink this right down in one gulp.

That'll do it. Just do it.

It worked.

Good.

- You caught them from me. - Oh, dear.

I didn't know they were contagious.

- Oh, dear. - Well, there's just one thing to do.

- Drink it down in one gulp. - All right.

In one gulp.

That's a wonderful cure.

Sure is.

You know, the more you drink of this stuff, the better it tastes.

Yep. You said it.

Here is to the Havana waterworks!

Boy, it's hot in here.

I wonder what's taking that judge so long.

[Susie] Has it--

Has it been so long?

An interminable time.

Just interminable.

- You know something, Lucy? - Huh?

I'll bet that that judge is taking a siesta someplace.

A siesta?

Well, he's got a lot of nerve.

We might miss our boat to America.

Well, like he cares about us, that old hypocrite.

Yeah, the old hypocrite.

That old hypocrite!

And after he acted so friendly, too.

Yeah, if you ask me, he was a little too friendly.

Yes, a little too friendly.

Yeah, well, when my Ricky and your Carlos find out that we're not on that boat,

they'll come right back here for us.

What makes you so sure?

What?

What makes you so sure?

Maybe they are just a couple of gigolos, and they're using us to get to America.

They wouldn't do a thing like that.

Would they?

Well, now, if you recall,

they were the ones that suggested that you talk to Rudy Vallee.

You're right.

They're going to leave us here to rot in this Havana hoosegow.

- - Oh, okay.

Lucy, don't cry.

Don't cry so loud!

Keep a stiff upper lip now.

Good old stiff upper back here, old girl.

Good stiff upper back.

What's the matter?

- I don't like this place. - Well, honey, now, take it easy.

- I don't like this place, Lucy. - Come on, take it easy.

- Have a sip of the water. - I don't like this place.

- I just don't like this. - Ah, it's all right.

- Oh, yeah. -

- Come on now, we gotta get out of here. - Yeah, let's get out of here.

- We're going to miss that boat. - Come on, let's get out of here.

It's locked!

Well, they've got a nerve.

What do you mean, locking this door, buddy?

Yeah, now, listen here, buddy.

- Is there any reason to lock this door? - We're Americans, buddy.

- Come on, buddy. - Open the door, fella.

Boy, when they take a siesta down here, they don't mess around.

Well, get the key. Get the key.

Okay, buddy.

What's the matter?

It's too big. I can't get it through.

Well, let me try. Let me try.

Now, you watch this now.

Just let me get in here now.

Oh, watch that first step. It's a diddly.

Now, here we go.

My, you are clever.

Oh, thank you.

Well, now...

Now then.

Oh. They got the keyhole on the wrong side.

How do you like that now? Well, there's more than one way to--

What are you doing?

I want my mother to taste this.

Age before beauty.

You're pretty fresh.

Lucy, what are you doing?

All my life, I wanted to play the harp.

Come on, come on. We gotta go, we gotta go.

Come on.

You have been a brick through this whole ugly mess.

That is a stunning necklace.

Is it new?

- No, it's been in the family for years. - Oh.

All right, come on, we go.

Yeah! Yeah!

- Have you seen them anywhere? - No, we haven't.

Oh, dear.

- I can't find them on the ship anywhere. - Neither can I.

- They're taking up the gangplank. - Oh, no.

- Lucy's not going... - No, no, no, Ricky, no seas loco.

[Lucy] Ricky!

Lucy!

[Carlos] Susie, what are you doing in that thing?

Well, they took up the front steps,

so we hitched a ride with a banana.

Come on, we'll get you up here. Come on, honey.

Come on. Whoa!

And that's the story of how Ricky and I met.

Oh, that's marvelous.

But whatever happened to your friend Susie and Carlos?

Oh, they went together for a while, and then they had a falling out.

They weren't the only ones, eh, Fred?

Very funny.

Listen, if it's good enough for Mrs. Yul Brynner,

it's good enough for you.

Ricky, how long did you stay with Rudy Vallee's band?

- One night. - One night?

Rudy traded him to Xavier Cugat for a xylophone player.

How about that.

And all because he claimed that he could not understand me

when I sang "The Whiffenpoof Song."

Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen,

for being with us tonight.

And we sincerely hope that you're gonna join us in our future shows,

in which we have some wonderful guest stars

like Tallulah Bankhead, uh, June Haver and Fred MacMurray,

Betty Grable and Harry James and many, many others.

I specially want to thank The United States Steel Hour

for delaying the start of their program tonight,

and I urge you to stay tuned for their wonderful show, "The Locked Door,"

starring Ralph Bellamy and June Lockhart.

The Lucille Ball-Desi Arnaz Show.

Directed by Jerry Thorpe.

Written by Madelyn Martin, Bob Carroll, Jr.,

Bob Schiller and Bob Weiskopf.

Produced by Bert Granet.

Executive producer, Desi Arnaz.

Others in tonight's cast were

Frank Nelson, George Treviño,

Nestor Paiva, Joaquin del Rio,

Vincent Padula, Louis Nicoletti.

The Lucille Ball-Desi Arnaz Show is a Desilu production.

Your host tonight has been Ford.

There's nothing newer in the world.

Ford also brings you Dick Powell's Zane Grey Theatre

on most of these same stations.

Consult your local listings for day and time.