Original subtitles

Honey, aren't you gonna eat any breakfast?

Oh, no, I'm too excited to eat.

Excited about what?

About what?

This is my first trip into New York City

since we moved to the country,

and that was six whole weeks ago.

I'll bet I won't even recognize the old place.

Well, it has changed a little.

They got skyscrapers now.

Oh, you... you get to go into town every day while I'm stuck out here in the country.

What do you mean "stuck"?

You're the one who wanted to move to the suburbs

so you could get out of the dirty old city.

Oh, I like it out here.

It's just that after six weeks of fresh, clean country air,

a woman looks forward to one day of city dirt.

Am I going, Mommy?

No, honey, you're gonna stay overnight with Bruce Ramsey.

Why can't I go? I like dirt.

He likes dirt.

Well, honey, we're gonna be out so late.

Mommy and Daddy are gonna go to see a show

with Uncle Fred and Aunt Ethel.

What show?

It's called The Most Happy Fella.

Can I see it sometime?

Well, you're a little bit too young for theater, partner.

Yeah, you can see it when you grow up, honey.

At the rate they're selling tickets, it'll still be playing.

[Ricky] That's right.

- Say, would you do me a favor? - What?

Would you go to the guest house and tell Uncle Fred I'm about ready to leave?

- Okay, Daddy. - Thank you.

Put your jacket on, honey.

Okay, Mommy.

Fred's going into town when you do, huh?

Yeah. Today is his day to collect the rent

- on their apartment. - Oh.

Say, about the tickets now, are you sure you know where they are?

Yes, honey, I'm sure.

I put them in my dresser drawer

in my jewel box with my good jewelry

six months ago.

All right. And you won't forget to bring them with you?

Well, I thought I'd throw them in the waste basket

just before I left the house.

All right, all right.

I'm just checking.

And you're sure you got the right date?

Yes, honey, I'm sure I have the right date.

I put a ring around the date on the calendar.

I made a mental note of it. I entered it my engagement book.

I did everything but hire an elephant

and tie a string around its trunk.

Yeah, but are you sure you got the right date?

Oh, honestly, Ricky, just this once,

can't you give me credit for doing something right?

- All right, now, now, don't get so touchy. - Well, honestly.

- Well, you know how you are. - No. How am I?

Well, to tell you the truth, you're a little...

Oh, now, come on.

Really!

Okay, okay, I trust you.

Well, thanks a lot.

Listen, don't forget that Fred and I

are gonna meet you and Ethel at Meegham's Chop House.

Okay.

- 7:30. - Yes, dear.

- And be on time. - Yes, dear.

And don't go crazy, shopping in all the stores.

- No, dear. - Bye.

Goodbye, dear.

Sheesh!

Ethel, isn't it fun being in town for an evening?

Ooh-huh.

Would you ladies care to order now?

Well, uh, we're waiting for our husbands,

but, uh, we do we have to get to the theater,

so maybe we'd better order something that doesn't take too long, huh?

- What's ready? - The roast beef's ready.

- Well, how's that for you? - Oh, that's fine.

All right, uh, four roast beefs, medium,

with, uh, mashed potatoes and lima beans.

- Oh, lima beans. - Okay.

Very well.

Oh, Lucy, just think, we're gonna go to the theater tonight.

How about that?

Where are we sitting?

Sixth row, center. Downstairs.

Let me see the tickets.

I'd just like to hold mine for a while.

Oh, you silly.

I'll put them in my memory book.

Now, Lucy, don't tell me you forgot them.

No, I did not forget them.

Nobody seems to trust me anymore.

Here they are.

There you are-- row F, seats 104, 5, 6 and 7.

What's the matter?

What time is it, Ethel?

It's, uh, 7:40.

Why?

Too late for the matinee, huh?

Matinee?

Oh, no!

Oh, Lucy, how could you?

Well, I wrote for the best seats on the first available Saturday.

I forgot all about the matinee.

Oh, of all the dumb tricks.

Well, at least I didn't lose them,

you'll have to admit that.

Well, bully for you.

Maybe we can get four more seats at the box office.

Oh, you know this show's been sold out for six months.

Gee, it's too bad we didn't have tickets to a stinker.

What am I gonna tell Ricky?

I don't know, but you'd better think fast.

Look, I'm gonna stall.

Stall? What good would that do?

Well, you know, he hates to get to the theater late,

so I'll-I'll take a long time eating my dinner and ...

and-and then we'll miss the first curtain, see,

and then I'll say that, oh, I heard that the show was overrated,

and I really don't want to go anyway.

- Yeah. - And you be sure and say...

- Oh, hi, Ricky. - Hi.

- Hi, honey. - Hi.

Sorry, I'm late. My taxi got stuck in the traffic.

- Oh. - Where's Fred?

Oh, um, I don't know. I guess he's still collecting the rent money

at the apartment building.

10:30 in the morning till 7:30 at night?

Well, collecting the rent money is the highlight of the month to Fred,

and he likes to linger over it.

Well, I guess we'd better order.

We haven't got much time.

Oh, uh, I already ordered, dear. Four roast beefs.

Oh, that was a good idea.

Yeah, I, uh, I thought roast beef was a good idea

at the time, but now I don't know.

Steak might be nice, or, uh, maybe some broiled chicken.

What do you think about broiled chicken, Ethel?

[Ethel] Oh, uh, uh...

Well, I like broiled chicken.

'Course, steak sounds very good, too.

Maybe we should have some seafood.

What month is this? Is there an "R" in it?

- Uh... - What's the matter with you two?

You know we haven't got time to change our order.

Roast beef is fine.

Oh, here's Fred.

Hi, Fred.

Oh, hiya, Fred.

- Are they still following me? - Who?

Oh, here we go again.

Every time Fred has more than $10 in his pocket,

he imagines the entire underworld is trailing him.

Pipe down, will you, Ethel?

I got $500 cash in this pocket,

and two guys followed me from the subway station.

Well, if you're so nervous, why didn't you take a taxi?

I may be nervous, Ethel, but I'm not panicky.

Fred, are you really carrying $500 on you?

Shh! Do you want to get me bumped off?

Look, Fred, if you're that worried, I'll keep it for you in my wallet.

No, thanks. I want a safe place.

A place no holdup man would ever think of looking.

Oh, well, then put it in my purse.

Even I wouldn't think of looking there.

Hey, that's a good idea.

His money belt is at the laundry.

Now, Fred, we ordered roast beef for you.

Is that all right?

That's swell. Thanks.

Okay.

Wanted to save time, you know.

Yeah... good.

This is great.

Yeah, looks good.

Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

Good roast beef.

Mmm.

What's the matter, honey, why aren't you eating?

Oh, I'm just waiting for my meat to cool off.

It's not too hot, dear, it's just right.

Well, they say hot food is bad for the stomach.

Who said that?

I just did. Didn't you recognize my voice?

Come on, come on.

Stop fooling around and eat your food. We got to go to the theater.

What are you doing?

Will you please tell me what you are doing?

Chewing.

I know that, but we have to get to the theater.

Can you chew any faster?

Well, then go ahead.

Why not?

I read somewhere that

you should chew your food 25 times before swallowing.

Well, swallow it now and chew it later.

People should chew their food thoroughly

like animals do.

Animals don't have to make an 8:30 curtain.

Are you all right, Ethel?

Yes. Why?

Well, usually by now you've gobbled your dinner

and devoured half of mine.

Well, I just decided

to eat like the animals do, too.

Just decided?

You've been eating like a horse for 20 years.

I also read where you should peel lima beans

to get the most out of them.

Yes, you see, all the vitamins are under the upper epidermis.

Lucy, what's up?

Nothing's up. I just think that it's--

It's much better to be healthy than to see an old show.

Aha!

You forgot the tickets!

No, no. No, I didn't forget the tickets, did I, Ethel?

No, no, she-she didn't forget the tickets.

See? Here they are.

Then what's the matter? What's wrong?

Well ...

Oh, no.

Oh, oh, no!

[Fred] What? What?

These tickets are for the matinee.

For today's matinee.

Don't tell me that.

Honey, maybe we can get some more tickets at the box office.

How can we get some more tickets?

I asked you, "Have you got the tickets? And you're sure you got the right date?"

You said, "I put them in my jewel box. Oh, sure..."

Look, the sign says "Sold Out."

Let's stop this foolishness and go home.

Oh, now, Fred, it never hurts to try.

We're in luck. He got 'em!

Cancellations. Right in front of me, this fellow just turned them in.

Oh, honey, that's wonderful. See, we see the show after all.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute now.

I only got two tickets.

- Two? - Well, were lucky to get these.

These are box seats. That's all they got.

Only two, huh?

Just two?

I'm afraid so.

[Ethel] Oh.

Well, um, which two of us are gonna get to see the show?

Well, it's my fault that we missed the matinee,

so you two go.

No, Lucy.

You've been counting on this for months. You go.

Oh. Well, no, I don't deserve to go.

You take the tickets.

Okay, we'll go.

Oh...

How come you get to go?

I'm the one that's been counting on this for months.

Well, you just said we should go.

Well, I didn't think you'd take me up on it.

Well, the show's starting. Somebody'd better go.

Well, who?

Well, look, to make it really fair,

why don't two of us see the first half of the show,

and then the other two will see the last half.

- Yeah, that's a good idea. - Yeah, okay.

- Which two of us will go first? - Well, you two go first.

Oh, no.

All right, then we'll two, we'll go first.

Oh, no.

All right, then you two girls go first.

- Oh, fine. - Yeah, we'll see you here.

All right, all right.

Have a good time.

Oh, it doesn't really matter. They can fill us in on what happened.

Sure.

I wonder what the story's all about?

Well, I can tell you one thing-- the guy is not married.

How you know that?

Look at the title.

♪ Standing on the corner ♪

♪ Watching all the girls go by ♪

♪ Standing on the corner ♪

♪ Underneath the springtime sky ♪

♪ Brother, you can't go to jail For what you're thinking ♪

♪ Or for the ooh... look in your eye ♪

♪ You're only standing on the corner ♪

♪ Watching all the girls Watching all the girls ♪

♪ Watching all the girls ♪

♪ Go ♪

♪ By ♪

Oh, Ethel, isn't it marvelous?

Oh, that Frank Loesser music is just great.

Too bad we can't see the rest of it.

Sure is.

Hey, maybe we can see the rest of it.

Oh, now, Lucy, we promised the fellas.

No, look, these people didn't show up for the first act.

Well, maybe they're still coming to see the show.

Oh, Ethel, do you know anyone who's missed the whole first act

and still wants to see the show?

Sure, Ricky and Fred.

Besides them.

Look, here's what we'll do. We go out and give the tickets to the fellas,

and after they come back into the theater,

we'll just stroll back in with the crowd.

Oh, how could we do a thing like that?

We still got our programs in our hands. Nobody'll stop us.

Just look innocent, you know.

Never mind. Just stay behind me. I'll handle it.

I said look innocent.

The boss has treated you pretty good, Joey.

[Joey] Yeah...

- Hi. - Hi.

Hi. How'd you get in here?

- We just strolled in with the crowd. - Where you gonna sit?

- Right here. - Right here.

[Ricky] Right there?

Sure. These people didn't show up for the first act,

so evidently, they aren't coming.

Honey, you can't sit there. We didn't pay for those seats.

Oh, why not? They got all that extra money for the matinee tickets we didn't use.

She's got a point there, Rick.

Now we'll fill you in on the first act.

Yeah, see, this guy here, he isn't married.

What'd I tell you?

He wrote a letter and ...

♪ Don't cry ♪

♪ Don't cry ♪

♪ Come on back in the house ♪

♪ And don't cry ♪

♪ Come on back in the house ♪

♪ And get out from under That old, cold star ♪

♪ Don't weep ♪

♪ Don't weep ♪

♪ Come on back in the house Little sheep ♪

♪ Come on back... ♪

Could've come by train,

but oh, no, you had to drive.

Okay, okay, I had to drive.

65 miles an hour.

I thought that judge would never let us go.

Look, we've already missed the first act.

You going to talk all the way through the second?

Oh, no.

Shh, shh, shh!

What are you doing?

Shh, shh, shh!

What are you doing?

They took our seats.

- I know that, but you can't sit here. - Why not?

- Shh! - There's not enough room.

They're sitting four people in two seats!

Go down and tell the manager.

You go. I'd like to see just two minutes of this show.

- I will not go and see the manager. - Shh, shh, shh!

Could you just move over a little?

Just move over...

I'm not pushing.

Just move...

Honey, I'd like some orangeade.

Orangeade?

Yes, I'm thirsty.

Yeah, you're also crafty,

but it won't work.

You want an orangeade, go get it yourself.

Oh...

And when you're down in the lobby, stay there.

Oh, shh! Stop your grumbling.

Shh!

♪ Wait a minute Wait a minute ♪

♪ You're from big D ♪

♪ I can guess ♪

♪ By the way you drawl And the way you dress ♪

♪ You're from big D ♪

♪ My, oh, yes ♪

♪ Big D, little A, double L, A-S... ♪

Where you going?

I'm really thirsty. I'm going to get some orangeade.

Well, listen, get me some, too, will you?

- Yeah, all right. - And...

- take your time. - Oh, all right.

♪ Yes ♪

♪ Big D, little A, double-L, A... ♪

♪ Big D, little A, double-L, A... ♪

♪ Big D, little A, double L, A-S... ♪

Move over, honey.

I beg your pardon.

Oh, sorry, wrong honey.

Here you are, Ethel.

What's this?

Your bag. I knocked it off the balcony,

but thank goodness, I found it in the aisle

downstairs right next to a lady's seat.

Oh.

- Lucy! - What?

This isn't my bag.

Where are you going?

Where you going?

Downstairs. We'll be right back.

Well, don't hurry.

This is most peculiar.

Now, how could a thing like that possibly happen?

Well, it's perfectly obvious.

Somebody hit me on the head with this

and then made off with my purse.

There's a purse snatcher somewhere here in this theater.

You know, maybe I'd better call the police.

Well, I think you...

[Lucy] Just let us go down the aisle.

We won't make any noise.

There was $500 in her purse.

I'm sorry. You'll have to see the manager.

There she is! That's the purse snatcher.

- What are you talking about? - That's my purse!

Oh, and that's my purse.

What are you doing with my purse?

What are you doing with her purse?

Now, wait, wait. just a minute.

Uh-uh, wait a minute. I'll take care of these, please,

until we find out for sure just what happened.

I told you what happened.

She hit me over the head with that and stole my purse.

Now, not at all. It was an accident.

I knocked her purse out of the balcony

where we were sitting and I went downstairs

and I picked up that purse, thinking it was this purse

because in a dark theater, that purse looks a lot like this purse.

In fact, right now, you can't tell that purse from that purse.

All right, now, let me get this straight.

Now, this is the purse you thought was that purse...

I thought this purse was this purse.

- This is her purse. - This is mine.

All right, ladies, ladies, now,

wait just a minute.

Now, please, look, hold everything.

Look, why doesn't everybody just take her own purse?

Yes.

Now, is everybody happy?

Well, I... I guess so.

Nothing seems to be missing.

- Lucy... - What?

The money's gone.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

She stole $500 out of my purse!

Oh, don't be ridiculous!

Well, if you didn't take it, where is it?

I have no idea.

Are you sure you had $500 in your purse?

- Oh, I'm positive. - Yes.

Maybe she took it out

before she threw it over the railing.

Well, really!

How dare you!

She wouldn't do a thing like that!

Would you, Lucy?

Ethel!

I'm sorry, honey, I'm so upset, I-I don't know what I'm saying.

You see, I have a penny-pinching husband

who's gonna kill me when he finds out the money's gone.

Well, lady, can you prove you had $500 in your purse?

No. Her penny-pinching husband can.

Yes, yes. He's sitting in box A with her husband.

- Yes. - Just go up there and ask him.

Look, would you go up and bring them down here, please?

Mr. Ricardo and Mr. Mertz. Ask them to come down right away.

- Tell them to hurry. - Lucy?

Yes?

Will you tell Fred when he gets here?

What about you?

Oh, I'll be standing right behind you,

bobbing and weaving.

All right, Ethel, I'll tell him.

I'll just say, "Fred, we lost your $500."

But I'll say, "Fred, it was your fault for putting the money in Ethel's purse."

And then I'll say, "Fred, take your hands from around Lucy's neck."

That's right.

[Ricky] What's the matter? What happened?

Is this a trick to get us out of the seats?

No. Now, Fred... Fred, something awful has happened.

Uh, I accidentally knocked Ethel's purse out of the box

where we were sitting, and it hit that woman on the head.

Now, Fred, we got the purse back all right, but...

your $500 is missing.

How's that, Fred?

- Oh, dear me. - Oh, he must be delirious.

- Fred... -

Fred, your rent money's gone. Fred, they lost it.

I just pretended to put the money in the purse

to throw the pickpockets off the track.

You don't think I'd trust Ethel with 500 bucks, do you?

- [Ricky] Oh, dear me! - Oh, Fred ...

Oh...

Oh, Fred, how could you do a thing like that?

Oh, I'm-I'm so sorry.

Me, too, me, too, lady.

Well, I guess we were all pretty excited.

Yes.

Oh, dear.

Oh!

Well, I guess we can all go back to our seats

and see the rest of the show.

Why don't you go in.

I'm tired of sitting four in two seats.

Oh, come on, honey, it's not so bad.

[Ethel] No, come on, Rick.

Uh, uh, just a moment.

Did you say four in two seats?

Oh, yes, yes. There was a ticket mix-up, you see,

so the four of us are sharing two seats.

- Oh, well, I'm sorry. - Oh, that's all right. We don't mind.

Uh-uh-uh-uh. Now...

if four people have been watching the show,

then you've got to pay for four.

Oh, well, yeah... no, no, that's not quite right.

You don't understand. You see, the four of us didn't watch the show.

- [Lucy] No. - We didn't even see the first half at all.

No, we saw the first half.

Then we came in the second half,

and we hardly have seen any part of that when all this happened.

Besides that, you know, we bought four tickets for the matinee,

- which nobody used at all. - [Lucy] No.

Then I bought two more tonight, so I really bought six tickets altogether.

Yeah. So, you really owe us for two.

Look, rules are rules.

If four people are watching the show, then four have got to pay.

Ah.

Well, I guess that's...

I'll get it, Fred. That's all right.

- There. - Oh, thanks.

That'll do it. Thank you.

- Eight tickets already. - Yeah.

Well... Well, come on. Let's go see the rest of the show.

All right.

Oh, no, the show's over.

Oh, no!

How did it come out?

Joseph Kearns played the manager.

Gladys Hurlbut was the woman who lost her purse.

Also seen in tonight's cast

were Doris Packer, John Eldredge, Louis Nicoletti,

Jody Warner, Paul Power.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.