Original subtitles

It's the I Love Lucy show.

Starring Lucille Ball, and Desi Arnaz.

And brought to you by L-I-L-T.

New squeeze-comb, Lilt home permanent.

And now, I Love Lucy.

Ethel!

- Hi, honey. - Hi.

Did you have a nice weekend in Connecticut?

Oh, honey, it was just marvelous.

The Munsons' place is so beautiful

and Grace Munson is so sweet.

Look what she gave me to bring home.

Country butter.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Grace made that herself, and look...

Grape jelly.

From the grapes in their own arbors.

Grace made that, too.

And look at the size of these eggs.

Now, don't tell me that Grace--

Oh...

Ha! Don't be silly. But they're from their own chickens.

- Oh. - And these are for you.

Oh, thanks, honey.

Oh, Ethel, there's nothing like living in the country.

Clean, fresh air. Homegrown food.

Lucy, you're not thinking of moving, are you?

Why not? It'd be great for Little Ricky.

And Grace took us to see the most wonderful house that's for sale.

A quaint, old, early American.

Why, Lucy, you're really serious about this.

Well, I am, but Ricky isn't.

We argued about it all the way home on the train.

You know how pigheaded he can be.

Well, hooray for pigheaded Ricky.

Ethel, whose side are you on?

Well, I know it'd be wonderful for Little Ricky,

but I'm thinking of big Ethel.

Gee, if you moved to the country, I may never see you again.

Oh, now, it's not as bad as all that.

You and Fred can come out on the train on weekends.

A round-trip ticket's only $3.08.

Now I know I'll never see you again.

Oh, honey.

- Hi, Ethel. - Hi, Rick.

- Hi, dear. - Honey, I'm in a hurry.

I haven't got time for breakfast.

Honey, I wanted to fix you a couple those nice, fresh country eggs.

I'm sorry, honey, but I got to go.

Oh, and I wanted to give you some toast

spread with country butter and homemade jelly.

Lucy, don't start that again.

Start what again?

We decided on the train last night

that we're not gonna talk about moving to the country anymore.

We didn't, you did.

I decided to keep right on talking about it.

All right, you keep on talking and I'll keep right on not listening.

Oh, honey, won't you at least think about it

before you say no?

All right.

No.

- Oh, you. - Goodbye.

- Goodbye. - Bye, Ethel.

Bye, Rick.

Oh, boy, good for him.

I have a feeling this is one time

you're not going to be able to talk Ricky into something.

Don't you be too sure.

All my life I've wanted to live in a quaint, old, early American house,

and I'm not giving up without a fight.

Oh, speaking of quaint old early Americans,

I have to fix Fred's breakfast.

- See you later. - Okay.

Thanks for the eggs, honey.

Okay.

- Hi, honey. - Hi.

- What are you doing? - Moving the furniture.

Well, obviously, but why is it all pushed together in the middle of the room?

So I can show Ricky how cramped it is living in a crowded city apartment.

And then he'll want to move to the country, is that it?

Ethel, I wish you'd stop thinking like my friend

and start thinking like Little Ricky's godmother.

Well, I just don't want you to move away, that's all.

Oh, gee.

Look out.

Morbid curiosity makes me ask:

What is that for?

That's to show Ricky how really dirty it is in the city.

- I should have known. - Yeah.

Don't tell me.

City pallor.

- That's right. - Oh.

Let's see now.

There, I'm all ready for Ricky to come home.

When is the poor, unsuspecting victim due?

Any minute now.

Well, bad luck.

Oh, Ethel, honestly.

- Hi, honey. - Oh, hi, dear.

What's the matter with you?

Nothing. Why?

You look kind of pale.

Oh, that.

Well, we don't get much sun around here, you know?

It was sunny today. Weren't you out?

Yeah, I was out, but you know how it is here in New York,

with all the big skyscrapers.

The Empire State Building has better color than I do.

- Lucy, what are you driving at? - Nothing, darling.

Here, I'll hang this up for you.

- - Oh, honestly!

This apartment gets smaller every day.

What's the matter with the furniture?

Not a thing. Why?

Why is it all scrunched up together in the middle like that?

Well, that's what happens after you spend a weekend in the country.

You realize how small these city apartments really are.

Any mail today?

- It's on the mantle, dear. - Thank you.

Oh, honestly, the dirt in this city!

Now, you wouldn't believe that I dusted there just a half an hour ago, would you?

Oh, living in this congested city, you just have one cold after another.

Lucy, I think you have gone far enough.

How's that?

I said you have gone far enough.

Oh, you're gonna have to speak up, dear. I can't hear a thing over that city noise.

Why don't you sit down, dear,

if you can find room in this crowded apartment.

I'm gonna put our poor, little city child to bed in his stuffy, dusty little room.

While you're in there, wash that pale look off your face.

Hi, Rick.

- Hi. - Hi.

Go ahead.

Uh, Rick, we've been talking it over

and we think you should move to the country.

You do?

Yep. After all, it doesn't matter if we have a vacant apartment,

and what's money compared to the health and well-being of our good friends?

Fred, you really mean that?

No, but Ethel made me say it.

He does, too, mean it.

I really do, Rick.

For once you should listen to the rattle-brained redhead.

I get it. You're part of Lucy's propaganda campaign.

No, we're not.

I was against it at first and said so,

but after I got to thinking it over,

I realized I was just being selfish.

Little Ricky should live in the country.

You really think so, huh?

Yes, I think that every child is better off when they're out in the fresh air.

- Can you keep a secret? - Ethel, put your fingers in your ears.

Why?

Because the only way you can keep a secret is not to hear it.

Oh, never mind now. I won't tell, Ricky.

Well, you know, next week is our 16th wedding anniversary.

Yeah, I know that.

And I got a surprise for Lucy.

Oh, what is it?

I bought her that house in the country.

- You bought the house? - Yeah. Isn't that wonderful?

You know, I pretended to be against it at first to throw her off the track.

But it's a wonderful house and I got a real bargain.

I gave the man $500 deposit this afternoon.

Gee, that's swell.

What's the matter, Ethel? I thought you said we should move.

Yes, I-I know we said you should move, but--

But what?

You're going to move.

Good grief, Ethel.

Oh, now, it won't be that bad.

Sure, we can go out and see them on weekends.

Fred, round-trip tickets on the train cost $3.08 apiece.

Like I said, they can come in and see us on weekends.

- [Lucy] Good night, sweetheart. - Shh...

- Well, hi, Fred. - Hi.

- Hi, Ethel. - [Ethel] Hi.

Honey, the baby wants you to come in and tell him a bedtime story.

All right, dear.

Why don't you tell him the one about Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

who lived in the big city and had one cold after another

and had to keep blowing his nose and that's why his nose was red.

I'll do that.

Or you could tell him the one about Snow White

and the seven city dwarfs.

Sneezy, Dusty, Stuffy, Drafty, Sniffly, Noisy. ...

That's enough.

And Pasty.

Gee, I'm sure not getting anywhere with him.

You don't suppose through the years Ricky has grown an immunity to me, do you?

Well, they're giving shots for everything these days.

Well, I don't know.

Looks like the Ricardos and the Mertzes

are gonna be living side by side for the rest of their lives.

What's the matter with you, Ethel? Are you crying?

No. No, I-I just guess

I'm getting one of those city colds you were talking about.

You are, too, crying.

I am not!

Oh, Ethel.

Come on, Ethel, we'd better get out of here.

No, now, wait a minute, Fred. Something's wrong. What is it, Ethel?

Oh, Lucy, I know you're not gonna move,

but if you ever do move, don't move!

Oh, Lucy...

Why, I've never seen her like this before.

- Oh, she's out of control. - [Lucy] Oh, well--

Come on, honey, but you'd better go home

and lie down and take a nap and I'll put a cold cloth on your head.

No, no, no.

Oh, honey, now, there's no need to get upset.

We're not moving to the country.

- You heard what Ricky said. - Oh...

Well, honey, I know how you feel.

I'd hate to leave you, too.

I must have been crazy to even think about moving.

Yes, Lucy.

Oh, for corn's sake.

I wouldn't leave you two and go to the country if you paid me.

- You wouldn't? - Really, I wouldn't.

- - Oh ...

Well, he fell asleep right after I was...

What happened?

Oh, honey, thank you for being so stubborn and pigheaded.

What?

I'm glad you didn't buy that house.

I don't want to move.

You don't?

No, I "don't."

I want to stay right here in the city near my loved ones.

Well, one of your loved ones isn't gonna be very near.

Which one?

Me. I'm gonna be living in the country.

What?

Well, I wanted to save it as a surprise for our anniversary, but...

Well, I bought you that house.

Yes.

You bought me that house?

Oh, Ricky, that's the sweetest, nicest thing you've ever done

in all the years we've been married.

I thought so.

Oh, wasn't that sweet?

Sweet, sweet.

- - Oh ...

What's the matter with them? Five minutes ago, she wanted the house.

Oh, that was before Ethel turned on the waterworks.

Well, if I'd known that the Bobbsey twins were gonna pledge eternal friendship,

I wouldn't have given that guy $500 deposit this afternoon.

Well, honey, you can get your deposit back.

How?

Well, can't you just tell him

- that you changed your mind? - Yes.

Well, honey, buying a house is not like buying a dress.

You just can't call up the guy and say, "I don't like the color."

- Well, you could tell him it doesn't fit. - Yes.

Okay, all right, I'll call him first thing in the morning and see what I can do.

- Oh, thank you, honey. - Oh, Ricky!

Are you sure you won't change your mind again?

I'm positive, honey.

I never want to live any other place as long as I live.

- All right. Okay. Okay. - [Lucy] I just want to be right here.

Women.

You can't live with them, but I guess it'd be pretty hard to live without them.

Well, it might be worth a try.

Well, I know, I know, Mr. Spaulding,

but you see, well, my wife changed her mind

and I thought that maybe we could--

Sure.

Yes, sir, uh-huh.

All right, sir. Goodbye.

What did he say? Is he gonna give you your deposit back?

He said, "Absolutely not. A deal is a deal."

Oh, dear.

You mean you have to move to the country whether you want to or not?

No. But if I don't buy the house, I lose $500.

Well, I don't think that's very nice of Mr. Spaulding,

not giving you your money back.

Well, honey, on the strength of us buying his house,

he bought another house down the road,

so you can't blame him for holding us to the deal.

I sure wouldn't be as calm as you are if I were losing $500.

If you were losing $500, you'd be foaming at the mouth.

Well, I guess that's that.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

It's all my fault.

Maybe-- Maybe you could take it out of my allowance

for the next 50 years.

I have to go to the club, honey. I'll talk to you when I come home. Goodbye.

- Bye, Rick. - Bye.

[Fred] So long, Rick.

Oh, gee.

There must be some way to get that $500 back.

Fred, you know about real estate and things.

Isn't there some way that we can make Mr. Spaulding give, um--

Give that deposit back?

Well, I don't know.

Unless you could fix it some way to make him think you're undesirable,

and he didn't want you to have the house.

- Hey, that's a good idea. - Yeah.

Now, let's think. How can we do that?

We?

How did we get in on this?

Well, for heaven's sake, Ethel,

you and Fred are the reason that I don't want to move.

The least you can do is help me out of this fix.

Oh, you're right.

Let's see now. How can we be undesirable?

That shouldn't be hard for you, Ethel.

Never mind now. Just think.

Oh, there, there, Eleanor.

I can't help it, Gerald.

Moving out of this house after 30 years.

Well, we're not moving to the North Pole, my dear.

We'll be living right down the road.

Oh, it won't be the same.

Maybe you should give the Ricardos their money back.

Now, Eleanor, a deal is a deal.

And don't forget, we both agreed now that the children are married,

we don't need this big house.

That's right.

Oh, I do hope they're nice people and will take care of it.

They seem like very nice people.

Well, you never can tell, dear.

Remember, they're in show business.

Oh, now, Eleanor, we mustn't be narrow-minded.

Some of them are all right.

I suppose so.

- - Oh, I'll, uh, I'll see who that is.

Hiya, Pops.

Uh... oh, Mrs. Ricardo.

That's right.

Do you mind if I bring a couple of my friends in and case the joint?

Uh, well, uh, not at all.

I just want to show them around, you know.

Come on in. The coast is clear.

I want you to meet a couple friends of mine, Fred and Ethel Mertz.

Uh, how do you do?

Hiya, honey.

- Lay off, baby. - Okay.

Oh, Eleanor.

Oh, hiya, toots.

You, uh, you know Mrs. Ricardo,

and these are her friends, Fred and Ethel Mertz.

- How do you do? - Hi, honey.

Lay off, baby.

Mrs. Ricardo, you-- you don't look at all the way you did the other day.

Your clothes are so different.

Oh, you mean that little dark suit and the hat

with the veil and the little white gloves?

Yes, that's right.

I was on my way to a masquerade party. Went as a lady.

- Well, come on, let's case the joint. - Okay.

Whoo, boy.

Well, nice little hideout.

Hideout?

He means hideaway.

Hey, Fingers, get a load of this.

- Perfect spot for stashing the ice. - Yeah.

Ice?

Oh, we have a refrigerator.

Ah, you're cute, kiddo.

Corny, but cute.

Leave it to The Brains to pick out a spot like this.

Yeah, they don't call him "The Brains" for nothing.

Brains?

Tricky Ricky Ricardo.

Your husband?

I thought he was a bandleader.

He's our leader.

We're the band.

But he told us he had a rhumba band.

- - Oh, that one again.

Don't tell me he used that phony Spanish accent, too?

- -

[Fred] Whoops!

Sorry.

Fingers, I thought I told you not to pack a rod unless we were pulling a job.

Now hand it over.

Why should I? You ain't The Brains.

No, but I'm Mrs. Brains, and don't you forget it, bub.

Uh, Mrs. Ricardo...

What do you want?

Well, uh, Eleanor and I have just been thinking,

and perhaps this isn't the right house for you after all.

Now just a minute.

A deal's a deal.

The Brains bought this house and gave you his check for a deposit.

Well, it's not really a deal unless I cash the check.

Is that so?

So what I think I'll do is just return it. Nothing personal.

That's right, nothing personal.

Now The Brains will have to find another house.

He ain't gonna like this.

What do I care what he likes?

Watch out or you'll step on The Brains' toes, Fingers.

All right, hands up, everybody!

Not you, Eleanor.

Now, don't-- don't try anything funny. Eleanor, get her purse.

- That's where she put the gun. - Oh.

Careful.

Uh, Mr. Spaulding, I can explain everything.

You can explain it to the police.

Well, I'd rather explain it to you, sir.

No, to the police. And here, you can take your check back.

We don't want your kind of people out here. Take it, take it.

All right, now back up against the fireplace.

You, too, buster.

- Buster? - Back up.

All right, now turn around.

That's better.

Oh, Eleanor, see who that is at the door, and be careful.

Higher with the hands!

It's The Brains!

- Spaulding, what's... - Get your hands up!

- What's the matter? - Over here, Brains.

- What? - Right there. Back up.

Somebody mind telling me what's go-- What are you doing here?

Well, I got your deposit back, dear, here.

Oh, good.

What are we doing up with our hands like this?

Well, uh, he thinks we're gangsters.

Gangsters?

That's right, Ricardo. And you can drop that phony Spanish accent.

Huh?

We-We-We pretended to be gangsters

so that Mr. Spaulding would think we were undesirable

and then wouldn't sell us his house, see,

so we can get your deposit back, and it worked.

Except that we might have to spend the rest of our lives in the pokey.

If my hands weren't up here, they'd be right around your neck.

Look, Mr. Spaulding, this is very simple. My wife just changed her mind ...

[Ethel] She really didn't make...

- Back! Back! Back! Back! Back! Back! - I changed my mind, that's all.

Mr. Spaulding, I know that it's very difficult for anybody to believe

that anyone would pull a stunt like this,

but you don't know my dizzy wife and her crackpot friends.

- - Quiet! Quiet!

- Quiet! - Quiet. The man said "quiet."

- He's gonna shoot. - I'd never known such gabby gangsters.

Mr. Spaulding, I-I assure you if we could just be alone for a minute,

I could 'splain if I could get in a wordge in edgewise.

Yeah, just let him get a "wordge" in edgewise and he'll "'splain."

Well, yeah, all right.

See if he's got a gun, Eleanor, and be careful.

He's clean.

That's what they say on Line Up.

Well, you, uh, take this and guard them, and be careful now.

All right, Ricardo, come with me.

Look out with that thing, lady, now.

Right over there. Through that door and keep your hands up.

- Yes, sir. - Yes.

- No. I'm an orchestra leader. - Right in there, please.

- - Oh, boy, I could never be a gangster.

I don't have the arms for it.

You know, Lucy, now that I get a chance to look around this room,

it really is beautiful.

Oh, I know, it's the most charming house I've ever seen,

and you should see the den in the upstairs.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, don't mention it.

Oh, and it's authentic early American.

- Yes, it's over a hundred years old. - Yeah.

You won't find beamed ceilings like that in the houses they build today.

No kidding, a hundred years old, huh?

Ethel, did you see the fireplace?

Yes, I did.

And there's one in the master bedroom, too.

And, oh, the kitchen. You ought to see the kitchen, Ethel. It's a dream.

Lucy, I don't blame you for wanting to move out here.

- Isn't it wonderful? - Beautiful.

It's all right, Eleanor.

Mr. Ricardo has just convinced me they're not really gangsters.

But you wouldn't believe some of the other things

his dizzy wife and her crackpot friends have done.

Well, are you sure he's telling the truth, Gerald?

- Yes, ma'am. - Oh, I'm sure.

For one thing, that accent isn't phony. I could hardly understand his explanation.

But how about that gun?

- Just a water pistol, see? -

It's just a water pistol. It belongs to our little son.

I'm sorry-- I'm sorry about all the misunderstanding,

and I think it's very, very nice of you to let me keep the check.

- [Spaulding] Quite all right. - Uh, Ricky, honey.

Yes, dear?

What, dear?

Give him the check back, honey.

What?

I want the house after all.

Oh, no!

Oh, please, honey, I just got to have it.

- Oh... - Please?

Are you sure this time?

I'm positive.

Mr. Spaulding, is the house still for sale?

Yes, it's still for sale, but it'll cost $500 more.

- $500 more? - More?

Yes. You frightened Eleanor and me out of our wits,

and it'll cost exactly $500 to recover.

All right. All right, $500 more.

- Oh, thank you! Thank you! -

Oh! I'm sorry.

That'll be $550 more.

Oh.

Happy anniversary, darling.

Sixteen years.

Huh, honey?

- Hmm. - Happy anniversary.

And now a word from our alternate week sponsor:

Instant Sanka, another fine coffee from General Foods.

Gangway, Lucy. One Instant Sanka coffee commercial coming up.

Now, just a minute. It's high time I talked about Instant Sanka.

These commercials need a woman's touch.

But we never use a woman.

Remember Joan of Arc? Remember Florence Nightingale?

Remember Lady Godiva?

Besides, my hands are much more photogenic.

[Ricky] Well, just don't goof, that's all.

[Lucy] Attention, all coffee lovers.

New Instant Sanka Coffee gives you real coffee flavor.

Hearty, really robust coffee flavor 'cause it's 100% pure coffee.

And speaking of percentages, Instant Sanka can't upset your nerves,

can't disturb your sleep because it's 97% caffeine-free.

Yes, this is the hearty coffee you can drink as strong as you like.

Lucy, you still got 15 seconds left.

- I know it. I planned it that way. - Oh.

[Lucy] Now they can take a good, long look at this Instant Sanka label.

It's called product identification. See?

[Ricky] Oh, I see.

I Love Lucy, starring Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz,

was brought to you by new Lilt,

the only home permanent with squeeze-bottle magic.

The fastest, easiest home permanent ever.

Directed by William Asher.

Featuring Vivian Vance and William Frawley.

Written for television by Madelyn Martin, Bob Carroll Jr.,

Bob Schiller, Bob Weiskopf.

Produced by Desi Arnaz.

Eleanor Audley played the part of Eleanor Spaulding,

and Frank Wilcox was her husband, Gerald.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at the same time.

- I'm Gale Gordon. - I'm Bob Sweeney.

- [Gordon] Look for us as The Brothers. ... - Tuesday night on CBS television.