Original subtitles

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know all about it,

but there is nothing that I can do.

Oh, Ricky, you don't understand what this means to me.

I understand perfectly.

You do not or you couldn't just stand there

and see me suffer like this.

If Caroline Appleby comes here this afternoon

and I don't have some movie stars here to meet her, my name is mud.

Well, it's all your fault.

You wrote her all those letters,

telling here that you were hobnobbing with movie stars.

Now she's in town and you can't produce them.

So why did you have to write all those bragging letters?

It was perfectly legitimate.

It made my letters more interesting, more readable.

The awful thing is Caroline sneaking into town like this.

Sneaking into town?

She's on her way to Hawaii.

Yeah, well, she planned this whole trip just to show me up.

Well, I'm sorry.

You're always telling people stories that are not true.

- I'm going to the pool. - Just a minute.

Yes?

Ricky, I'm not asking for much.

All I want is a half a dozen movie stars

for a couple of hours.

Now, if you can't do this simple little thing for me, I'll ...

I'll kill myself.

- Kill yourself? - Yes.

Well, you got a lovely day for it.

Oh!

Hi. I just saw Ricky leave.

- Any luck? - No.

How would Harpo Marx be?

Wonderful! Get him!

Wait a minute. I didn't say I could get him.

- Well, then what about him? - I know where he is.

Oh, fine.

Now, he's appearing at a luncheon here today at the hotel,

and maybe we could get him to drop by.

Oh, sure, maybe we could get Princess Margaret

to fly over for tea.

You never know unless you ask.

Well, all right.

You run and ask Harpo, I'll call Princess Margaret.

Okay.

- Oh... - It just doesn't make sense, Ethel.

Why should he want to do us a favor? He doesn't even know us.

I guess you're right.

Well, all we can hope is that Caroline loses her glasses again

and can't find the hotel.

Hey, wait a minute!

What?

Caroline can't see a foot in front of her face

without her glasses, can she?

No.

What if we could get her glasses away from her?

And?

What are you doing?

I was just trying to see if I was real nearsighted,

if maybe you couldn't pass for Marilyn Monroe.

Yeah?

Yeah. Pull your hair down over one eye.

Now walk like Marilyn.

Oh, no, nobody's that nearsighted.

Thanks a lot.

Hey, that magic shop up on the boulevard

sells masks that look like movie stars.

Maybe if you wore a mask...

I am not wearing any hot rubber mask all afternoon.

All right, then I will.

Oh, you can't get away with wearing a mask.

I could if I got her glasses off her.

And how are you gonna do that?

Well, let's see, uh...

When Caroline comes in, uh...

Oh, hi, Caroline.

Oh... I'm terribly sorry.

Or, uh ...

Oh, Lucy, why don't you just shoot her when she walks through the door?

Then you won't have to bother about getting the masks.

Well, come on, we'll go get the masks right away.

We can figure out how to get her glasses off later, huh?

Oh...

Hi. Caroline isn't here yet, huh?

No.

Listen, you didn't lock your door, did you?

No. I got the door all open and I got your mother to take the baby

to the zoo for the afternoon

and I got your costumes all laid out on the bed

- just waiting for you to get in 'em. - Okay.

Now, the important thing for you to remember

is that you have to keep Caroline real busy

while I'm changing from one outfit to the other.

- I know. - Now, let's see.

When I got the Harpo Marx outfit on,

I don't have to talk, so I don't have to worry about that.

- Now, when I've got the other... -

There she is.

Well ...

Hi, Lucy, how are ya? Hi, Ethel!

Any stars here yet?

Oh, no, not yet, dear.

Oh, I can just hardly wait.

Who do you suppose will come by?

Well, like I told you--

Clark, Bing and Gary will be here

and, uh, Ronnie and Benita will ...

Oh, no. No, Ronnie and Benita were here last week.

They probably won't drop in again this week.

- Oh. - But Harpo Marx is staying in the hotel.

- He said he might come up. - Oh, he's one of my favorite funny men.

Well, good, and you never can tell who else might drop in.

Caroline, your glasses are all smudged.

I want you to be able to see the movie stars real good.

You'd better let me clean them for you. What's that?

Isn't that a wonderful idea?

I bought it when I lost my glasses.

That will never happen to me again.

No, these are clear.

I can see real good.

Oh, chocolates, mmm.

- Caroline, dear... - Yeah.

Uh, just how bad are your eyes

without your glasses?

Oh, are you kidding, Lucy?

I can't see a thing.

Oh, come now.

No, really, I can't.

- Oh, I don't believe that. - Well, it's true.

- Well, take them off. Let me test you. - Well, all right, but you'll see.

I just can't see a thing.

Oh, I don't believe it. What does that say?

Uh... oh, I can't see that.

Yeah, well, try. Come on, try.

Uh... well ...

No, I can't make that out.

- Oh, my... - Oh, you're really blind, girl.

I told you, oh, it's awful.

Why, that I don't believe, for heaven's sake.

You know, I heard people say

that they couldn't see without their glasses...

With letters this high, you know.

What's the matter, dear, lose something?

Well, my glasses-- th-they're gone.

Why, they couldn't be.

They're hanging right around your...

Well, for heaven's sake, they are gone.

Oh...

Now, they couldn't have just disappeared.

[Ethel] Oh, they must be here someplace.

Ah, you kids look for the glasses.

I got a lot to do before the gang gets here.

I got to go next door and borrow some sugar.

Borrow sugar? In a hotel?

Oh, well, we're just all one big happy family here.

Oh.

I just don't understand it.

They-They couldn't have simply disappeared into thin air.

Oh, I'm so sorry, honey.

Ethel, you suppose that's a movie star?

I have a feeling it might be.

Come in.

Why, Gary.

Who is it? Who is it?

It's Gary Cooper.

Oh!

[Ethel] Hi, Gary.

Howdy.

I want you to meet a friend of mine, Caroline Appleby.

Oh, how do you do?

Howdy, ma'am.

Uh, can you stay awhile?

Nope.

- You have to go? - Yep.

- Right away? - Yep.

Oh, well, it was just awfully nice

meeting you, Mr. Cooper.

Yep.

- Thanks for dropping by, Gary. - Yep.

- Thanks a lot. - Yep.

- Come again. - Yep.

Oh!

Oh, Coop's a doll.

Too bad he couldn't stay.

You'd have loved him.

Gee, he looked so handsome, too.

From what I could see.

Gee, Gary Cooper.

Oh, Ethel, where are those glasses?

We met a lot of stars since we came to Hollywood.

- You did? -

Here's another one.

Come in.

- Why, Clark! - Who? Who?

It's Clark Gable.

Oh!

[Ethel] Uh, Clark, can you stay for a little while?

Aw, you got a cold?

Got a little laryngitis, baby.

That's too bad.

But I want you to meet a friend of mine, Caroline Appleby.

How do you do?

Uh, bup-bup.

You'll catch his cold.

Well, who cares?

Imagine me being able to tell the girls back home

that I caught a cold from Clark Gable!

Honey, I'm not going to let you catch a cold ...

Now, Ethel, I want to meet him.

Now look what you did, you scared him.

Well, I'm sorry.

I guess I was awfully rude,

but I just couldn't help myself.

Weren't you excited?

Yeah.

Clark Gable...

Hi. Ha, ha!

Lucy, where have you been?

Do you know that Clark Gable and Gary Cooper have been here?

Yeah, I saw them down the hall,

and they both thought you were terribly attractive.

- [Lucy] Ha, ha! - Oh, really?

Yeah. Clark said he'd never forgive himself

for having that terrible cold.

Oh!

He thought you were a doll.

I'll be back.

Hi, Rick. Swell day, huh?

Oh, hi, Fred.

You know, Fred, I'm beginning to feel like a heel.

What about?

Well, you know, the way I acted with Lucy today.

I could have got a couple of actors

to come over there and visit.

Caroline would have been happy,

Lucy would have been happy,

and everything would have been all right.

I know she exaggerates, and she shouldn't tell all those stories,

but, uh...

she has a good side to her.

Don't you think so, Fred?

Huh?

Come on, you haven't listened to a word I said.

I was telling you the way that I felt about Lucy...

Harpo!

Harpo Marx!

Yeah, "Babalú." Ricky, yeah.

"Babalú," yeah.

Oh, this is Fred Mertz, Harpo.

Couple of cute chicks you were chasing.

Say, what are you doing in costume?

A woman? Hit?

Oh, wom-wom-wom... a lot of women?

- Lots of women, yeah. - Women, women, women.

- Struck 'em? - Women?

Hit? Strike?

Club! Club.

- - Women's club.

- - Oh.

Wh-Wh-What about, what about a women's club?

You broke into the women's club?

Oh, ben-ben-ben-bend, bend.

- Bend. -

Joint?

Uh, bend?

Knee. Knee!

Knee, knee, knee, yeah, yeah.

- - Dogs?

Feet, feet, feet!

- Bend, knee, feet. - Bend, knee, feet.

- Bend, knee, feet. - Bend, knee, feet.

- Bend, knee, feet. - Bend, knee, feet.

Bend, knee, feet.

Bend, knee, feet.

Bend, knee, feet.

Bend, knee, fit.

Ben, knee, fit.

Oh, benefit!

Benefit! Oh, yeah!

The women's club benefit.

You're playing at the women's club benefit.

Oh. What time are you going to play?

Turn, over. Oh, it's over.

You already played there.

- Oh, geez, isn't that too bad? - They'd have loved it.

The girls would have loved to see it.

Hey, would you do me a favor? Huh?

No.

- No, I don't need any money. - No.

Let me tell you what it is. Lucy has a girlfriend of hers

here from New York, see?

And this girl is just dying to meet a big movie star.

Big star like you.

Yeah! That's right.

So, listen, Harpo.

Would you do me a favor and-and go up to Room 315

and pay them a visit?

- - Thank you!

Oh, Ethel... Ethel, this has been the most thrilling day.

Imagine meeting Bing Crosby and Walter Pidgeon

and Clark Gable and Gary Cooper all in the same day!

Do you think anyone else will drop by?

Oh, I have a feeling someone will.

There's one now.

Come in.

Hiya, folks.

Jimmy Durante!

In person.

Jimmy, I want you to meet a friend of mine and Lucy's,

Caroline Appleby.

Oh, how do you do?

Pleased to meet you.

Excuse me for staring, but I lost my glasses.

What a "catastrastrope"!

Oh, Jimmy! Will you stay and have a cup of tea?

No, thanks, I got an appointment.

Oh, that's too bad.

Well, toodle-ooh.

And to you, too.

Oh, it's just been a pleasure meeting you, Mr. Durante.

Good night, Mrs. Appleby,

whoever you are.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, thanks a lot! Come back again.

Oh, Ethel, Ethel, this has been such fun.

I wouldn't have missed this for the world.

Well, it is kind of fun meeting the movie stars

and palling around with celebrities.

- -

That must be another one.

Oh, uh... I doubt it, so soon.

Why?

Uh, why?

Uh, well, uh, uh, movie stars usually space themselves

farther apart than this.

But I'll see.

That was fast.

Uh, Harpo, I want you to meet my friend, Caroline Appleby.

Harpo Marx, how do you do?

Oh!

Don't overdo it.

You know, Harpo, I've seen you chase girls in movies,

but you don't really do that, do you?

Did you bring your harp?

- No, he didn't. -

You did?

You brought your harp?

That man is just a scream.

I laughed so hard, I cried.

Oh, I've got to fix my mascara.

I'll fix my face before he gets back.

Yeah, fix your face.

Where's your harp?

- Huh? Where's Caroline? - She's in there.

Lucy?

What?

Weren't you just here as Harpo?

No.

You weren't?

No.

Then that Harpo really was Harpo!

What are you talking about?

The real Harpo Marx was just here.

What would he be doing up here?

I don't know, but he said he was going to go get his harp.

- - There he is! Go hide.

Not in there. Caroline's in there.

Hide in the kitchen. In the kitchen.

- What? -

Oh.

Yeah.

Oh, boy.

Well, this is a real treat.

Sit down. He's gonna really play the harp for us.

What are you gonna play?

"Take Me Out To The Ball Game." Oh!

Oh, Harpo!

Oh, my, that was wonderful.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, I can't believe I was...

[Caroline] Oh, wonderful!

[Ethel] That was such a thrill, Harpo. Oh!

Oh, Harpo, thank you so much.

Oh, thank you, thank you, tha...

- Oh! - Oh!

Oh, my goodness. It's getting late.

- I've got a plane to catch. - Oh, yeah.

Well, it was awfully nice seeing you, Harpo.

And thanks so much, Ethel, for every...

Oh!

I'll see you to the elevator.

Yes, and be sure and thank Lucy for...

It was just wonderful.

Goodbye.

Oh, Ethel!

Oh, Caroline, here are your glasses.

My glasses, oh!

They were there on the floor all the time.

- Oh, thank you! Aloha! - Can I help you?

- Oh, yeah, goodbye! - Bye!

Oh, no!

- - Oh, no!

Harpo!

Oh!

Oh, Harpo, who told you to come up here?

"Babalú." Ricky! Oh!

And Fred.

Oh.

[Ethel] Really?

- [Lucy laughing] -

You characters are too late.

- What do you mean? What happened? - Caroline's already gone.

Oh.

Which one of you two is Harpo?

Caroline Appleby was played by Doris Singleton

and Harpo Marx portrayed himself.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.