Original subtitles

- More meat loaf, anybody? - [Fred] No, thanks.

- No, thank you, honey. - Ethel?

Oh, I might as well finish up that last little dab.

- Potatoes? - [Fred] No, thanks.

- Mm-mmm. - Ethel?

Just another taste. I hate to see food go to waste.

- Salad? - [Fred] No, thanks.

I couldn't eat another bite, honey.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Sometimes I feel like I was married to a garbage disposal.

Oh, leave her alone, Fred.

So she's got a good appetite.

Sure, she's just a growing girl.

Yeah, but she's growing sideways.

Quiet, fat boy.

Lucy, this is the best salad dressing I ever tasted.

Well, thank you very much.

Well, now, for once, you're right.

Why don't you buy a bottle of that stuff, Ethel?

Oh, you can't buy it. I made it myself, Fred.

You know, you ought to bottle that, Lucy, and sell it.

Oh, Fred!

Well, I mean it. I bet you could make a lot of money.

Money, money...

Where did I hear that word today?

Oh, yes, the teller at the bank called me

and said that someone's account was overdrawn.

Uh, dessert, anyone?

[Ricky] Uh ...

Guess who the teller said was overdrawn, Lucy.

Uh, aren't these delicious-looking pastries?

They're real gooey.

I'll, uh, I'll give you a hint:

He says it's someone who shares my joint account,

but it's not me.

Go on, Lucy, guess.

Please, not while I'm eating.

All right. Not while you're eating.

Cake, Ethel?

I don't know where I'd put it.

Just drop it into the bottomless pit.

Are you finished eating?

No, no, I'm not finished yet.

I'll wait.

These are very good.

Made fresh today.

- Finished? - Nope.

I never can seem to get enough of these.

Are you finished now?

Yeah.

Now, would you mind telling me why you were overdrawn at the bank?

Every month, I put money in the bank,

and every month, you spend it all and more besides.

I don't understand it.

I mean, I'd like to know the reason.

Now, why are you overdrawn at the bank?

Lucy?

Well, how'd things go after we left last night?

Pretty rough, huh?

It was the biggest battle of the budget yet.

We thrashed out every item in my books.

It was just terrible, Ethel.

I've used up my allowance until June 12.

Oh, that's not bad.

June 12, 1978?

Oh. Well, money isn't everything.

Yeah, with me, it isn't anything.

Gee, I wish I could invent something that would be worth a million dollars.

You sound just like Fred Mertz.

Fred?

Yeah. Ever since we've been married,

he's been trying to think up one idea worth a million dollars.

None of his ideas any good, huh?

Oh, he had some good ideas,

but somebody always got to the patent office first.

He's still mad at Edison for beating him to the electric light.

And he's never forgiven Ford

for scooping him with the horseless carriage.

Well, at least, he was trying. I haven't even got an idea.

Ethel, I've got it!

Got what?

- I know how to make a million dollars. - How?

Remember last night when Fred was raving about my salad dressing?

- Yeah. - Well, he's right.

I'm gonna bottle it and put it on the market.

Bottle it and sell it.

Yeah! It's the best salad dressing I ever tasted.

We can make it here in the kitchen. Will you help me?

- Sure. - It's a real simple recipe.

I have it right here.

Let's see. Here it is.

There now. Let me see.

Let's see now. What'll we call it?

My Aunt Martha gave it to me.

I suppose we really ought to call it "Aunt Martha's Salad Dressing."

Sure.

It needs more than that, though.

How about "Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing"?

Yeah, and we'll make it with old-fashioneds.

No.

We'll sell more of it.

Oh, come on, now. Be serious.

How are people gonna know that we're selling it?

Now, we've got to advertise.

Yeah.

Gee, isn't it too bad we haven't got money enough to go on television?

Yeah.

Television!

We'll go on television.

Huh?

I'll be a cooking expert.

No, no, you'll be the cooking expert,

and I'll be one of those women that they get from the audience.

I know how they act. I've watched them a hundred times.

So have I. I watch them every day.

- That's great. - I know just what to do.

What'll we use for money?

What do we need with money?

After all, who is my dearest friend in the whole wide world?

Caroline Appleby.

Caroline Appleby?

Since when did she get to be your dearest friend?

Since I just remembered

that her husband runs a television station.

- Oh, yeah. - [Lucy] Yeah.

You think she'll go for the idea?

I think so, especially if we cut her in

to the tune of, say, three cents a bottle.

- Yeah, she likes that kind of music. - Yeah.

All she's got to do is get us on that Dickie Davis Show.

He's on four hours every day, and he sells all sorts of things.

The Dickie Davis Show. Yeah.

Gee, I hope she'll do it.

Oh, just show her money and she'll do anything.

She is the greediest, the penny-pinchingest...

Caroline, darling, how are you, dear?

Why, this is your old chum, Lucy.

Thank you, thank you.

That last number was brought to you by the Nelson Photo Finishing Company,

located on the corner of Leed Boulevard and Hickox Avenue.

Remember, the slogan of the Nelson Photo Finishing Company is,

"Our business is developing."

Oh, that's pretty clever, "Our business is developing."

Well, that brings us to a brand-new sponsor.

It is now my pleasure to present to you

Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing,

and here to tell you all about it

is one of the country's leading home economists,

Mary Margaret McMertz.

Good afternoon, homemakers.

I am Mary Margaret McMertz,

and today I have a wonderful surprise for you.

For years, only a few close friends and relatives

knew the thrill of eating salad

made with Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing,

but Aunt Martha--

Sweet, lovable, kind old lady that she is--

Has finally consented to let the world in on her secret,

and today you can buy a quart

of real honest-to-goodness,

genuine Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing

for only 40 cents a quart.

Simply write to:

Or call:

Oh, pardon me.

I did.

And place your order.

Now, in order to get an unbiased opinion on this product--

For after all, they're paying me to do this--

Just before we went on the air,

I picked an average housewife at random from our audience

and asked her to help me.

Would you come up here,

average housewife whom I picked at random from our audience?

Yes, you dear.

Right up those stairs. You, dear.

Hello, dear.

Hello.

I'm Mary Margaret McMertz.

- Oh, how do you do? - [Ethel chuckles]

And, uh, what is your name?

Hmm?

What is your name?

Uh, Isabella Clump.

Oh.

- - Mrs. Clump.

Yeah?

Have you ever heard

of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing?

Aunt-who's old-what salad-which?

You see, friends, she's never heard of it.

- No, I never heard of it. - Oh, good.

Now, I want you to try this salad dressing

and tell these people what you think...

- Mrs. Clump. - What?

I want you to try this salad dressing

and tell these people what you think of it.

- Oh, all right. - Pour it on the salad.

Oh.

- - That's it.

Now, toss the salad.

- Just mix it. - Okay.

That's enough, dear.

- Now let me have these. - Yeah.

Now, taste it.

Oh. All right.

Mmm...

- Well? - Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm...

Mmm, mmm...

- Well? - Mmm ...

Mmm, mmm, mmm...

Well, Mrs. Clump?

Don't bother me.

This is the best salad dressing I've ever eaten.

There you are.

The opinion of an average housewife picked at random from our audience.

Mmm...

You'll feel the same way once you try

Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing

at only 40 cents a quart.

Simply call Circle 7-2099,

or write to 623 East 68th Street and place your order.

Until tomorrow, goodbye, then.

Uh, you can relax, girls. You're off the air.

Oh.

Oh, how'd we'd do?

Oh, wonderful. You've already got 23 orders by phone.

- Oh, 23 orders! - Twenty-three!

Oh, no kidding!

...a hundred and forty-four,

a hundred and forty-four...

a hundred and forty-five...

a hundred and forty-six...

a hundred and forty-six.

There, the salt's all in.

That takes care of the oil.

Gee, if I get any more of this stuff on me,

I'll be ready to swim the Channel.

What do we do next?

Peel the onions.

- Say, Lucy. - What?

Where'd you get the money to buy all this stuff?

Charged it.

Charged it? What's Ricky gonna say?

Nothing. We'll have the money back before the bills come in.

Oh, of course.

Gee, isn't it wonderful?

We only started in business yesterday,

and already we got orders for 23 quarts.

Yeah, and no telling how many more the mail will bring.

Gee, this is a real get-rich-quick scheme.

I'll say. Ooh.

Just think, in no time at all, we're gonna be millionaires.

Oh, that'll be lovely.

Yeah.

Ah. What are you going to do with your first million?

I'm going to go right out and buy myself a mink coat.

- - So am I.

Then I'm going to buy myself a house in the country with a swimming pool

and tennis court and horses.

Oh, boy.

Oh, that'll be nice.

- You know what I'm going to do? - What?

I'm going downtown and buy that bank and fire that teller.

That'll be great.

Yeah.

We're going to be so happy.

Yeah.

[Ricky] Hi.

- Hi, Ricky. - Hi, darling.

Lucy, Ethel, what's the matter?

- What do you mean, what's the matter? - What are you crying for?

Crying?

Oh, it's the onions.

- Oh. - Oh ...

Hey, what's all this?

Welcome to the main plant

of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing, Incorporated.

What?

Ethel and I are in business.

We are bottling that good salad dressing I make.

Ay, que barbaridad.

Mira que no saben lo que estan haciendo.

That's not true, whatever you said.

We're going to make a million dollars.

Well, this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my whole life.

- Why? - There's lots

of wonderful salad dressing in the market

made by people that know what they're doing.

Well, we know what we're doing.

I should say!

We've already got orders for 23 jars.

At 40 cents a quart.

40 cents a quart?

Yes, sir.

That sounds awful cheap.

How much does it cost to make?

Oh, uh... um...

Oh, um...

Well, we didn't figure that.

Oh, I see. Well, what did you figure?

Well, we figured you'd just buy the oil and the onions and stuff,

and-and sell it, and what's left over is profit.

Uh-huh. And what if there's nothing left over?

There's got to be something left over. How else can we make a million dollars?

Wait a minute. Now wait a minute. Now let's figure this thing out.

How-How much did you pay for all this stuff?

- All of it? - Yeah, all the stuff. Come on.

Well, $7.21 for the groceries.

- $7.21. - [Lucy] Yeah.

- For the groceries. - [Ethel] And $1.20 for the jars.

$1.20 for the jars.

[Lucy] Ten cents for the labels.

Ten cents for the labels.

That's, um...

$8.31...

And, uh, how many jars are you making?

Twenty-three.

Twenty-three jars.

And, uh, and you're selling it for what?

Forty cents a quart.

Twenty-three jars, 40 cents a quart.

Oh, now, get these onions out of here!

For goodness' sake.

Now, let me see now. That's, uh...

- Uh-huh. - How much profit are we going to make?

Three cents a jar.

Three cents a jar?

That three cents goes to Caroline.

Yeah.

Well, uh, maybe there is no profit on each individual jar,

but we'll make it up in volume.

This I'd like to see.

- Let me tell you something else. - [Lucy] What?

I didn't figure shipping, mailing,

insurance, taxes or overhead.

Oh, well, if you're gonna figure all that stuff.

Lucy...

- What? - Come here.

No.

Look, I'm not gonna get mad.

- You're not? - No.

Well, all right.

- Now, at least you try. - Yes?

Now, the thing for you to do

is fill this 23 orders and get out of business.

Well ...

That way, I'll only lose seven or eight dollars.

- [Lucy] Yeah. - [Fred] Lucy! Ethel!

- [Lucy] Yeah? - We're in here, Fred.

- [Fred] I got your mail! - Okay.

What's that?

That's your morning mail.

[Ethel] The morning mail?

You're kidding!

"Send me one quart of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing."

"Send me one quart of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned..."

"Send me one quart of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned..."

- "Send me two quarts"-- - [Lucy] "Send me four quarts

of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing."

- "...One quart of Aunt Martha's"-- - They're all the same. All orders.

Well, how-- Where did this mail come from? How do all these people know about this?

Um...

Uh, well, yesterday we did a spot on Charlie Appleby's television show.

Well, there's two more sacks of mail downstairs.

[Ethel and Lucy] Oh, no.

What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad.

Uh, we just applied a little arithmetic,

and we found out that they're losing money on every jar.

Yeah, I thought it sounded too good.

Hey, Lucy, look at all this mail.

We must be terrific television salesmen.

Yeah. Oh, listen!

Maybe we'd better go back on that program and unsell that salad dressing, and--

And then maybe all these people will take back their orders.

- Yeah. - What are you talking about?

If we did such a good job of selling yesterday,

maybe we can go back on again and unsell it today.

Here I am again, Mary Margaret McMertz.

And today, I'm going to demonstrate the same product

that I showed you yesterday.

And to get an unbiased opinion,

I asked an average housewife,

picked at random from our audience just before we went on the air,

to come up here and help me.

Would you come up here, average housewife whom I picked at random, please?

How do you do?

Hello.

I am Mary Margaret McMertz.

How do you do?

And what is your name?

What is your name?

Huh?

Your name, please.

- Oh, Lucille McGillicuddy. - Oh.

Now, uh, Mrs. McGillicuddy,

you know why you're up here, don't you?

Huh?

You know why you're up here, don't you?

I'm-- No, I don't.

Well, I want you to try

some of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing

and tell these people what you think of it.

Oh, all righty.

It's a mighty pretty color, isn't it?

Wow! Wow!

What's that?

Why, that's Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing.

Are you sure? Smell it.

How about that?

Looks like Aunt Martha had too many old-fashioneds.

- What do you want me to do with it? - I want you to taste it.

Taste it?

Now, maybe that's a bad jar.

You could say that again.

Here, let's try another one. It's really delicious.

All righty.

What's Aunt Martha trying to do, poison me?

Friends, I can no longer endorse this product.

If you have ordered it, send in your cancellations.

Cancel, cancel!

Phone to Circle 7-2099

or write to 623 East 68th Street.

And do it now!

[Fred] Lucy! Ethel!

The mail. Here it is!

- [Ethel] Come on in! - [Fred] Open up!

- Open up. - Here it is.

Look! Cancellations!

It worked. Oh, boy!

Oh, yes.

Here.

"Keep kidding the product. It's wonderful. Send me four jars."

"Enjoyed your hilarious advertising stunt on television.

Send me a jar of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing."

"That's the American way to do things-- with a sense of humor.

Send me a half a dozen jars."

They're all orders.

- Oh... - Four quarts.

- Send me one quart. - Lucy...

Is that the last one?

Next to the last.

Stick out your tongue.

Thanks.

Mine went dry 200 jars ago.

1, 153 jars.

Wow-wee.

Come on, I'm tired.

So am I. Whew!

- Hi, girls. - [Ethel and Lucy] Hi.

Listen, I got to feeling sorry for you,

so I got a whole assembly line system figured out.

You can bottle this stuff in no time at all.

Well, thanks just the same, but we have news for you:

- We're all finished. - Finished?

- [Lucy] Come here. - So soon?

My goodness!

How did you do it?

Oh, Lucy had a wonderful idea.

Oh, it wasn't so much.

We just went to the grocery store, bought 1, 133 jars of salad dressing

and pasted our labels on them.

And it only cost ten cents more a quart than ours.

What?

So we lost money.

We'll spend the rest of our lives making it up.

Yeah, the main thing is, we're done with it.

- Yes. - Are you?

What do you mean?

Well, you have to deliver this stuff.

It's gonna cost you at least 20 cents to mail it.

Just a minute, dear. We have that all figured out.

Come, Ethel Roberta.

- Oh, hiya, Fred. - Hi, Rick.

- Did you tell them about our plan? - Yeah.

- What's this? - They don't need our plan.

They went to the market store,

and they bought a thousand and some more jars of this stuff,

they got their own labels, they pasted it on,

and they got it all finished.

Pretty clever.

I'm waiting here to find out how they're gonna deliver it.

Yeah, how they gonna do that?

I don't know. Look, I gave up trying to outguess them a long time ago.

Where's my assistant?

Well, you take the East Side, I'll take the West Side,

and I'll be in Jersey afore ye.