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1
00:00:25,859 --> 00:00:27,486
- More meat loaf, anybody?
- [Fred] No, thanks.
2
00:00:27,486 --> 00:00:29,071
- No, thank you, honey.
- Ethel?
3
00:00:29,071 --> 00:00:31,949
Oh, I might as well
finish up that last little dab.
4
00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:39,540
- Potatoes?
- [Fred] No, thanks.
5
00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:40,999
- Mm-mmm.
- Ethel?
6
00:00:41,833 --> 00:00:44,418
Just another taste.
I hate to see food go to waste.
7
00:00:51,843 --> 00:00:53,845
- Salad?
- [Fred] No, thanks.
8
00:00:53,845 --> 00:00:55,264
I couldn't eat another bite, honey.
9
00:00:57,891 --> 00:00:59,142
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
10
00:01:04,273 --> 00:01:07,693
Sometimes I feel like
I was married to a garbage disposal.
11
00:01:11,780 --> 00:01:13,699
Oh, leave her alone, Fred.
12
00:01:13,699 --> 00:01:15,534
So she's got a good appetite.
13
00:01:15,534 --> 00:01:17,995
Sure, she's just a growing girl.
14
00:01:18,996 --> 00:01:20,706
Yeah, but she's growing sideways.
15
00:01:21,956 --> 00:01:23,667
Quiet, fat boy.
16
00:01:24,459 --> 00:01:27,004
Lucy, this is the best salad dressing
I ever tasted.
17
00:01:27,004 --> 00:01:29,006
Well, thank you very much.
18
00:01:29,006 --> 00:01:30,465
Well, now, for once, you're right.
19
00:01:30,465 --> 00:01:32,968
Why don't you buy
a bottle of that stuff, Ethel?
20
00:01:32,968 --> 00:01:35,554
Oh, you can't buy it.
I made it myself, Fred.
21
00:01:35,554 --> 00:01:38,015
You know, you ought to bottle that, Lucy,
and sell it.
22
00:01:38,015 --> 00:01:39,141
Oh, Fred!
23
00:01:39,141 --> 00:01:41,560
Well, I mean it.
I bet you could make a lot of money.
24
00:01:43,020 --> 00:01:45,063
Money, money...
25
00:01:45,063 --> 00:01:48,025
Where did I hear that word today?
26
00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:51,778
Oh, yes, the teller at the bank called me
27
00:01:51,778 --> 00:01:54,865
and said that someone's account
was overdrawn.
28
00:01:54,865 --> 00:01:56,408
Uh, dessert, anyone?
29
00:01:56,408 --> 00:01:57,743
[Ricky] Uh ...
30
00:01:57,743 --> 00:02:00,495
Guess who the teller said
was overdrawn, Lucy.
31
00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:02,539
Uh, aren't these
delicious-looking pastries?
32
00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:03,915
They're real gooey.
33
00:02:03,915 --> 00:02:06,418
I'll, uh, I'll give you a hint:
34
00:02:06,418 --> 00:02:09,504
He says it's someone
who shares my joint account,
35
00:02:09,504 --> 00:02:10,714
but it's not me.
36
00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:13,216
Go on, Lucy, guess.
37
00:02:13,216 --> 00:02:14,635
Please, not while I'm eating.
38
00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:18,263
All right. Not while you're eating.
39
00:02:19,389 --> 00:02:20,474
Cake, Ethel?
40
00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:22,059
I don't know where I'd put it.
41
00:02:22,059 --> 00:02:24,061
Just drop it into the bottomless pit.
42
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:32,778
Are you finished eating?
43
00:02:32,778 --> 00:02:34,279
No, no, I'm not finished yet.
44
00:02:35,197 --> 00:02:36,198
I'll wait.
45
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:03,725
These are very good.
46
00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:06,853
Made fresh today.
47
00:03:14,945 --> 00:03:16,321
- Finished?
- Nope.
48
00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:26,873
I never can seem to get enough of these.
49
00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:34,881
Are you finished now?
50
00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:36,049
Yeah.
51
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:41,346
Now, would you mind telling me
why you were overdrawn at the bank?
52
00:03:41,346 --> 00:03:43,974
Every month, I put money in the bank,
53
00:03:43,974 --> 00:03:47,185
and every month,
you spend it all and more besides.
54
00:03:47,185 --> 00:03:48,687
I don't understand it.
55
00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:51,356
I mean, I'd like to know the reason.
56
00:03:51,356 --> 00:03:53,692
Now, why are you overdrawn at the bank?
57
00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:55,527
Lucy?
58
00:04:06,163 --> 00:04:08,874
Well, how'd things go
after we left last night?
59
00:04:08,874 --> 00:04:10,417
Pretty rough, huh?
60
00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:13,170
It was the biggest battle
of the budget yet.
61
00:04:13,170 --> 00:04:15,464
We thrashed out every item in my books.
62
00:04:15,464 --> 00:04:17,048
It was just terrible, Ethel.
63
00:04:17,048 --> 00:04:19,885
I've used up my allowance until June 12.
64
00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:21,928
Oh, that's not bad.
65
00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:24,639
June 12, 1978?
66
00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:28,601
Oh. Well, money isn't everything.
67
00:04:28,601 --> 00:04:30,604
Yeah, with me, it isn't anything.
68
00:04:31,229 --> 00:04:34,940
Gee, I wish I could invent something
that would be worth a million dollars.
69
00:04:34,940 --> 00:04:36,985
You sound just like Fred Mertz.
70
00:04:36,985 --> 00:04:38,069
Fred?
71
00:04:38,069 --> 00:04:40,197
Yeah. Ever since we've been married,
72
00:04:40,197 --> 00:04:43,325
he's been trying to think up
one idea worth a million dollars.
73
00:04:43,325 --> 00:04:44,993
None of his ideas any good, huh?
74
00:04:44,993 --> 00:04:46,286
Oh, he had some good ideas,
75
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:49,206
but somebody always got
to the patent office first.
76
00:04:49,206 --> 00:04:52,083
He's still mad at Edison
for beating him to the electric light.
77
00:04:54,503 --> 00:04:56,129
And he's never forgiven Ford
78
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:58,339
for scooping him
with the horseless carriage.
79
00:04:58,339 --> 00:05:02,844
Well, at least, he was trying.
I haven't even got an idea.
80
00:05:02,844 --> 00:05:04,596
Ethel, I've got it!
81
00:05:04,596 --> 00:05:05,680
Got what?
82
00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:08,600
- I know how to make a million dollars.
- How?
83
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:11,770
Remember last night when Fred
was raving about my salad dressing?
84
00:05:11,770 --> 00:05:13,146
- Yeah.
- Well, he's right.
85
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:15,690
I'm gonna bottle it
and put it on the market.
86
00:05:15,690 --> 00:05:17,400
Bottle it and sell it.
87
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:20,237
Yeah! It's the best salad dressing
I ever tasted.
88
00:05:20,237 --> 00:05:22,613
We can make it here in the kitchen.
Will you help me?
89
00:05:22,613 --> 00:05:24,366
- Sure.
- It's a real simple recipe.
90
00:05:24,366 --> 00:05:25,826
I have it right here.
91
00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:27,911
Let's see. Here it is.
92
00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:29,246
There now. Let me see.
93
00:05:29,246 --> 00:05:31,039
Let's see now. What'll we call it?
94
00:05:31,039 --> 00:05:33,124
My Aunt Martha gave it to me.
95
00:05:33,124 --> 00:05:35,961
I suppose we really ought to call it
"Aunt Martha's Salad Dressing."
96
00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:37,045
Sure.
97
00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:38,672
It needs more than that, though.
98
00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:43,134
How about "Aunt Martha's
Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing"?
99
00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:44,803
Yeah, and we'll make it
with old-fashioneds.
100
00:05:44,803 --> 00:05:45,846
No.
101
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:48,640
We'll sell more of it.
102
00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,600
Oh, come on, now. Be serious.
103
00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:53,019
How are people gonna know
that we're selling it?
104
00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:54,646
Now, we've got to advertise.
105
00:05:54,646 --> 00:05:56,022
Yeah.
106
00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:59,693
Gee, isn't it too bad we haven't got
money enough to go on television?
107
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:00,777
Yeah.
108
00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:03,529
Television!
109
00:06:03,529 --> 00:06:05,657
We'll go on television.
110
00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:06,741
Huh?
111
00:06:06,741 --> 00:06:08,827
I'll be a cooking expert.
112
00:06:08,827 --> 00:06:10,912
No, no, you'll be the cooking expert,
113
00:06:10,912 --> 00:06:13,498
and I'll be one of those women
that they get from the audience.
114
00:06:13,498 --> 00:06:15,500
I know how they act.
I've watched them a hundred times.
115
00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:17,335
So have I. I watch them every day.
116
00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:19,296
- That's great.
- I know just what to do.
117
00:06:19,296 --> 00:06:20,589
What'll we use for money?
118
00:06:21,464 --> 00:06:22,966
What do we need with money?
119
00:06:22,966 --> 00:06:25,552
After all, who is my dearest friend
in the whole wide world?
120
00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:26,720
Caroline Appleby.
121
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,638
Caroline Appleby?
122
00:06:28,638 --> 00:06:31,683
Since when did she get to be
your dearest friend?
123
00:06:31,683 --> 00:06:32,851
Since I just remembered
124
00:06:32,851 --> 00:06:35,228
that her husband runs
a television station.
125
00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:37,939
- Oh, yeah.
- [Lucy] Yeah.
126
00:06:37,939 --> 00:06:39,690
You think she'll go for the idea?
127
00:06:39,690 --> 00:06:42,360
I think so, especially if we cut her in
128
00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:45,279
to the tune of, say, three cents a bottle.
129
00:06:45,279 --> 00:06:48,158
- Yeah, she likes that kind of music.
- Yeah.
130
00:06:48,158 --> 00:06:51,036
All she's got to do
is get us on that Dickie Davis Show.
131
00:06:51,036 --> 00:06:54,247
He's on four hours every day,
and he sells all sorts of things.
132
00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:57,834
The Dickie Davis Show. Yeah.
133
00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:00,128
Gee, I hope she'll do it.
134
00:07:00,128 --> 00:07:02,797
Oh, just show her money
and she'll do anything.
135
00:07:02,797 --> 00:07:05,759
She is the greediest,
the penny-pinchingest...
136
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:08,053
Caroline, darling, how are you, dear?
137
00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,472
Why, this is your old chum, Lucy.
138
00:07:13,016 --> 00:07:14,976
Thank you, thank you.
139
00:07:14,976 --> 00:07:18,813
That last number was brought to you
by the Nelson Photo Finishing Company,
140
00:07:18,813 --> 00:07:22,567
located on the corner of Leed
Boulevard and Hickox Avenue.
141
00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:26,446
Remember, the slogan
of the Nelson Photo Finishing Company is,
142
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:28,406
"Our business is developing."
143
00:07:28,406 --> 00:07:31,076
Oh, that's pretty clever,
"Our business is developing."
144
00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:34,913
Well, that brings us
to a brand-new sponsor.
145
00:07:34,913 --> 00:07:37,374
It is now my pleasure to present to you
146
00:07:37,374 --> 00:07:40,043
Aunt Martha's
Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing,
147
00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:41,836
and here to tell you all about it
148
00:07:41,836 --> 00:07:44,089
is one of the country's
leading home economists,
149
00:07:44,089 --> 00:07:46,508
Mary Margaret McMertz.
150
00:07:52,097 --> 00:07:54,349
Good afternoon, homemakers.
151
00:07:54,349 --> 00:07:56,685
I am Mary Margaret McMertz,
152
00:07:56,685 --> 00:08:00,355
and today I have
a wonderful surprise for you.
153
00:08:00,355 --> 00:08:04,567
For years, only a few
close friends and relatives
154
00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:06,820
knew the thrill of eating salad
155
00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:10,073
made with Aunt Martha's
Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing,
156
00:08:10,073 --> 00:08:11,616
but Aunt Martha--
157
00:08:11,616 --> 00:08:15,036
Sweet, lovable,
kind old lady that she is--
158
00:08:15,036 --> 00:08:18,790
Has finally consented
to let the world in on her secret,
159
00:08:18,790 --> 00:08:21,793
and today you can buy a quart
160
00:08:21,793 --> 00:08:24,004
of real honest-to-goodness,
161
00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:27,132
genuine Aunt Martha's
Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing
162
00:08:27,132 --> 00:08:29,300
for only 40 cents a quart.
163
00:08:30,093 --> 00:08:31,511
Simply write to:
164
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:37,726
Or call:
165
00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:43,356
Oh, pardon me.
166
00:08:45,817 --> 00:08:47,235
I did.
167
00:08:47,902 --> 00:08:49,529
And place your order.
168
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:54,492
Now, in order to get
an unbiased opinion on this product--
169
00:08:54,492 --> 00:08:57,412
For after all,
they're paying me to do this--
170
00:08:58,663 --> 00:09:00,749
Just before we went on the air,
171
00:09:00,749 --> 00:09:04,836
I picked an average housewife
at random from our audience
172
00:09:04,836 --> 00:09:06,212
and asked her to help me.
173
00:09:07,088 --> 00:09:08,256
Would you come up here,
174
00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:11,634
average housewife whom I picked
at random from our audience?
175
00:09:11,634 --> 00:09:12,844
Yes, you dear.
176
00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:16,014
Right up those stairs. You, dear.
177
00:09:23,688 --> 00:09:25,482
Hello, dear.
178
00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:26,566
Hello.
179
00:09:27,484 --> 00:09:29,110
I'm Mary Margaret McMertz.
180
00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:32,447
- Oh, how do you do?
- [Ethel chuckles]
181
00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:33,990
And, uh, what is your name?
182
00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:35,116
Hmm?
183
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:36,409
What is your name?
184
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:38,203
Uh, Isabella Clump.
185
00:09:38,203 --> 00:09:39,203
Oh.
186
00:09:40,163 --> 00:09:41,664
-
- Mrs. Clump.
187
00:09:41,664 --> 00:09:42,957
Yeah?
188
00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:44,375
Have you ever heard
189
00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:47,295
of Aunt Martha's
Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing?
190
00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:50,215
Aunt-who's old-what salad-which?
191
00:09:51,006 --> 00:09:53,676
You see, friends, she's never heard of it.
192
00:09:53,676 --> 00:09:55,678
- No, I never heard of it.
- Oh, good.
193
00:09:55,678 --> 00:09:58,932
Now, I want you to try this salad dressing
194
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,642
and tell these people what you think...
195
00:10:00,642 --> 00:10:02,477
- Mrs. Clump.
- What?
196
00:10:02,477 --> 00:10:04,479
I want you to try this salad dressing
197
00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:06,397
and tell these people
what you think of it.
198
00:10:06,397 --> 00:10:08,191
- Oh, all right.
- Pour it on the salad.
199
00:10:08,191 --> 00:10:09,526
Oh.
200
00:10:10,652 --> 00:10:13,530
-
- That's it.
201
00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:15,073
Now, toss the salad.
202
00:10:15,073 --> 00:10:16,157
- Just mix it.
- Okay.
203
00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:22,497
That's enough, dear.
204
00:10:22,497 --> 00:10:24,499
- Now let me have these.
- Yeah.
205
00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:27,252
Now, taste it.
206
00:10:27,252 --> 00:10:29,254
Oh. All right.
207
00:10:32,131 --> 00:10:34,134
Mmm...
208
00:10:34,717 --> 00:10:36,803
- Well?
- Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm...
209
00:10:38,011 --> 00:10:39,389
Mmm, mmm...
210
00:10:39,389 --> 00:10:40,723
- Well?
- Mmm ...
211
00:10:40,723 --> 00:10:42,934
Mmm, mmm, mmm...
212
00:10:43,559 --> 00:10:44,894
Well, Mrs. Clump?
213
00:10:44,894 --> 00:10:45,979
Don't bother me.
214
00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:48,690
This is the best salad dressing
I've ever eaten.
215
00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:49,899
There you are.
216
00:10:49,899 --> 00:10:54,112
The opinion of an average housewife
picked at random from our audience.
217
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:56,155
Mmm...
218
00:10:58,032 --> 00:11:01,327
You'll feel the same way once you try
219
00:11:01,327 --> 00:11:04,122
Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing
220
00:11:04,122 --> 00:11:06,207
at only 40 cents a quart.
221
00:11:06,207 --> 00:11:09,586
Simply call Circle 7-2099,
222
00:11:09,586 --> 00:11:15,508
or write to 623 East 68th Street
and place your order.
223
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:18,720
Until tomorrow, goodbye, then.
224
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:28,938
Uh, you can relax, girls.
You're off the air.
225
00:11:28,938 --> 00:11:30,356
Oh.
226
00:11:30,356 --> 00:11:31,607
Oh, how'd we'd do?
227
00:11:31,607 --> 00:11:34,444
Oh, wonderful. You've already got
23 orders by phone.
228
00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:37,155
- Oh, 23 orders!
- Twenty-three!
229
00:11:37,155 --> 00:11:38,573
Oh, no kidding!
230
00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:52,837
...a hundred and forty-four,
231
00:11:52,837 --> 00:11:55,423
a hundred and forty-four...
232
00:11:55,423 --> 00:12:00,886
a hundred and forty-five...
233
00:12:00,886 --> 00:12:03,556
a hundred and forty-six...
234
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:06,309
a hundred and forty-six.
235
00:12:06,309 --> 00:12:08,186
There, the salt's all in.
236
00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:11,898
That takes care of the oil.
237
00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:14,525
Gee, if I get any more
of this stuff on me,
238
00:12:14,525 --> 00:12:16,194
I'll be ready to swim the Channel.
239
00:12:16,194 --> 00:12:17,820
What do we do next?
240
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:20,280
Peel the onions.
241
00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:31,751
- Say, Lucy.
- What?
242
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,920
Where'd you get the money
to buy all this stuff?
243
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:35,004
Charged it.
244
00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:37,590
Charged it? What's Ricky gonna say?
245
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:40,385
Nothing. We'll have the money back
before the bills come in.
246
00:12:40,385 --> 00:12:42,178
Oh, of course.
247
00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:43,804
Gee, isn't it wonderful?
248
00:12:43,804 --> 00:12:45,890
We only started in business yesterday,
249
00:12:45,890 --> 00:12:48,559
and already we got orders for 23 quarts.
250
00:12:48,559 --> 00:12:51,562
Yeah, and no telling
how many more the mail will bring.
251
00:12:51,562 --> 00:12:54,482
Gee, this is a real get-rich-quick scheme.
252
00:12:54,482 --> 00:12:56,276
I'll say. Ooh.
253
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:59,070
Just think, in no time at all,
we're gonna be millionaires.
254
00:12:59,070 --> 00:13:01,405
Oh, that'll be lovely.
255
00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:02,615
Yeah.
256
00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:05,868
Ah. What are you going to do
with your first million?
257
00:13:07,245 --> 00:13:10,331
I'm going to go right out
and buy myself a mink coat.
258
00:13:10,331 --> 00:13:12,333
-
- So am I.
259
00:13:12,333 --> 00:13:15,837
Then I'm going to buy myself a house
in the country with a swimming pool
260
00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:18,172
and tennis court and horses.
261
00:13:18,172 --> 00:13:19,299
Oh, boy.
262
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:21,592
Oh, that'll be nice.
263
00:13:26,681 --> 00:13:29,058
- You know what I'm going to do?
- What?
264
00:13:29,058 --> 00:13:32,437
I'm going downtown and buy
that bank and fire that teller.
265
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,232
That'll be great.
266
00:13:36,232 --> 00:13:37,357
Yeah.
267
00:13:38,609 --> 00:13:40,445
We're going to be so happy.
268
00:13:41,404 --> 00:13:42,655
Yeah.
269
00:13:44,615 --> 00:13:45,700
[Ricky] Hi.
270
00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:47,452
- Hi, Ricky.
- Hi, darling.
271
00:13:48,660 --> 00:13:50,246
Lucy, Ethel, what's the matter?
272
00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:52,749
- What do you mean, what's the matter?
- What are you crying for?
273
00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:53,916
Crying?
274
00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:55,208
Oh, it's the onions.
275
00:13:55,208 --> 00:13:57,295
- Oh.
- Oh ...
276
00:13:57,295 --> 00:13:58,671
Hey, what's all this?
277
00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:00,131
Welcome to the main plant
278
00:14:00,131 --> 00:14:03,259
of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned
Salad Dressing, Incorporated.
279
00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:04,969
What?
280
00:14:04,969 --> 00:14:06,763
Ethel and I are in business.
281
00:14:06,763 --> 00:14:09,432
We are bottling
that good salad dressing I make.
282
00:14:09,432 --> 00:14:10,516
Ay, que barbaridad.
283
00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:12,934
Mira que no saben lo que estan haciendo.
284
00:14:12,934 --> 00:14:15,355
That's not true, whatever you said.
285
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:18,357
We're going to make a million dollars.
286
00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:21,986
Well, this is the most ridiculous thing
I've ever heard in my whole life.
287
00:14:21,986 --> 00:14:23,780
- Why?
- There's lots
288
00:14:23,780 --> 00:14:25,948
of wonderful salad dressing in the market
289
00:14:25,948 --> 00:14:28,242
made by people
that know what they're doing.
290
00:14:28,242 --> 00:14:30,203
Well, we know what we're doing.
291
00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:31,579
I should say!
292
00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:34,499
We've already got orders for 23 jars.
293
00:14:34,499 --> 00:14:36,292
At 40 cents a quart.
294
00:14:36,292 --> 00:14:37,627
40 cents a quart?
295
00:14:37,627 --> 00:14:39,003
Yes, sir.
296
00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:40,713
That sounds awful cheap.
297
00:14:41,464 --> 00:14:42,965
How much does it cost to make?
298
00:14:43,674 --> 00:14:46,052
Oh, uh... um...
299
00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:48,429
Oh, um...
300
00:14:49,347 --> 00:14:50,765
Well, we didn't figure that.
301
00:14:50,765 --> 00:14:53,768
Oh, I see. Well, what did you figure?
302
00:14:53,768 --> 00:14:57,105
Well, we figured you'd just buy
the oil and the onions and stuff,
303
00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:59,774
and-and sell it,
and what's left over is profit.
304
00:15:00,775 --> 00:15:03,277
Uh-huh. And what if
there's nothing left over?
305
00:15:03,277 --> 00:15:06,864
There's got to be something left over.
How else can we make a million dollars?
306
00:15:07,949 --> 00:15:10,743
Wait a minute. Now wait a minute.
Now let's figure this thing out.
307
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:13,079
How-How much did you pay
for all this stuff?
308
00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:14,997
- All of it?
- Yeah, all the stuff. Come on.
309
00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:17,333
Well, $7.21 for the groceries.
310
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,710
- $7.21.
- [Lucy] Yeah.
311
00:15:19,710 --> 00:15:22,922
- For the groceries.
- [Ethel] And $1.20 for the jars.
312
00:15:24,132 --> 00:15:26,050
$1.20 for the jars.
313
00:15:26,050 --> 00:15:28,136
[Lucy] Ten cents for the labels.
314
00:15:28,136 --> 00:15:30,221
Ten cents for the labels.
315
00:15:30,221 --> 00:15:31,973
That's, um...
316
00:15:36,477 --> 00:15:39,564
$8.31...
317
00:15:39,564 --> 00:15:42,608
And, uh, how many jars are you making?
318
00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:43,818
Twenty-three.
319
00:15:43,818 --> 00:15:45,820
Twenty-three jars.
320
00:15:48,364 --> 00:15:50,908
And, uh, and you're selling it for what?
321
00:15:50,908 --> 00:15:54,120
Forty cents a quart.
322
00:15:55,413 --> 00:15:58,416
Twenty-three jars,
40 cents a quart.
323
00:15:59,834 --> 00:16:02,253
Oh, now, get these onions out of here!
324
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:04,380
For goodness' sake.
325
00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:08,968
Now, let me see now. That's, uh...
326
00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:12,555
- Uh-huh.
- How much profit are we going to make?
327
00:16:12,555 --> 00:16:14,140
Three cents a jar.
328
00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:15,808
Three cents a jar?
329
00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:18,478
That three cents goes to Caroline.
330
00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:19,729
Yeah.
331
00:16:19,729 --> 00:16:23,316
Well, uh, maybe there is no profit
on each individual jar,
332
00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:24,942
but we'll make it up in volume.
333
00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:28,196
This I'd like to see.
334
00:16:28,196 --> 00:16:29,906
- Let me tell you something else.
- [Lucy] What?
335
00:16:29,906 --> 00:16:32,742
I didn't figure shipping, mailing,
336
00:16:33,409 --> 00:16:36,496
insurance, taxes or overhead.
337
00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:38,956
Oh, well, if you're gonna figure
all that stuff.
338
00:16:38,956 --> 00:16:40,458
Lucy...
339
00:16:40,458 --> 00:16:41,876
- What?
- Come here.
340
00:16:41,876 --> 00:16:42,960
No.
341
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,004
Look, I'm not gonna get mad.
342
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:46,214
- You're not?
- No.
343
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:48,716
Well, all right.
344
00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:51,802
- Now, at least you try.
- Yes?
345
00:16:51,802 --> 00:16:53,387
Now, the thing for you to do
346
00:16:53,387 --> 00:16:56,474
is fill this 23 orders
and get out of business.
347
00:16:56,474 --> 00:16:57,600
Well ...
348
00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,894
That way, I'll only lose
seven or eight dollars.
349
00:16:59,894 --> 00:17:01,562
- [Lucy] Yeah.
- [Fred] Lucy! Ethel!
350
00:17:01,562 --> 00:17:03,022
- [Lucy] Yeah?
- We're in here, Fred.
351
00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:04,982
- [Fred] I got your mail!
- Okay.
352
00:17:09,487 --> 00:17:10,905
What's that?
353
00:17:10,905 --> 00:17:12,114
That's your morning mail.
354
00:17:12,114 --> 00:17:13,782
[Ethel] The morning mail?
355
00:17:13,782 --> 00:17:15,326
You're kidding!
356
00:17:15,326 --> 00:17:18,246
"Send me one quart of Aunt Martha's
Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing."
357
00:17:18,246 --> 00:17:19,914
"Send me one quart of
Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned..."
358
00:17:19,914 --> 00:17:21,999
"Send me one quart
of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned..."
359
00:17:21,999 --> 00:17:24,502
- "Send me two quarts"--
- [Lucy] "Send me four quarts
360
00:17:24,502 --> 00:17:26,921
of Aunt Martha's
Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing."
361
00:17:26,921 --> 00:17:29,757
- "...One quart of Aunt Martha's"--
- They're all the same. All orders.
362
00:17:29,757 --> 00:17:33,427
Well, how-- Where did this mail come from?
How do all these people know about this?
363
00:17:33,427 --> 00:17:34,887
Um...
364
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:39,475
Uh, well, yesterday we did a spot
on Charlie Appleby's television show.
365
00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:42,019
Well, there's two more
sacks of mail downstairs.
366
00:17:42,019 --> 00:17:43,104
[Ethel and Lucy] Oh, no.
367
00:17:43,104 --> 00:17:45,690
What's the matter?
I thought you'd be glad.
368
00:17:45,690 --> 00:17:49,484
Uh, we just applied a little arithmetic,
369
00:17:49,484 --> 00:17:52,655
and we found out
that they're losing money on every jar.
370
00:17:52,655 --> 00:17:54,907
Yeah, I thought it sounded too good.
371
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:57,326
Hey, Lucy, look at all this mail.
372
00:17:57,326 --> 00:17:59,912
We must be terrific television salesmen.
373
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:02,707
Yeah. Oh, listen!
374
00:18:02,707 --> 00:18:06,627
Maybe we'd better go back on that program
and unsell that salad dressing, and--
375
00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:09,422
And then maybe all these people
will take back their orders.
376
00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:10,756
- Yeah.
- What are you talking about?
377
00:18:10,756 --> 00:18:12,967
If we did such a good job
of selling yesterday,
378
00:18:12,967 --> 00:18:15,678
maybe we can go back on again
and unsell it today.
379
00:18:15,678 --> 00:18:18,723
Here I am again, Mary Margaret McMertz.
380
00:18:18,723 --> 00:18:21,851
And today, I'm going to demonstrate
the same product
381
00:18:21,851 --> 00:18:23,853
that I showed you yesterday.
382
00:18:23,853 --> 00:18:25,938
And to get an unbiased opinion,
383
00:18:26,689 --> 00:18:29,275
I asked an average housewife,
384
00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:32,194
picked at random from our audience
just before we went on the air,
385
00:18:32,194 --> 00:18:33,779
to come up here and help me.
386
00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:37,199
Would you come up here, average housewife
whom I picked at random, please?
387
00:18:46,751 --> 00:18:47,877
How do you do?
388
00:18:47,877 --> 00:18:49,253
Hello.
389
00:18:50,087 --> 00:18:52,173
I am Mary Margaret McMertz.
390
00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:53,507
How do you do?
391
00:18:54,215 --> 00:18:55,718
And what is your name?
392
00:18:57,345 --> 00:18:58,888
What is your name?
393
00:18:58,888 --> 00:18:59,972
Huh?
394
00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:01,140
Your name, please.
395
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:03,976
- Oh, Lucille McGillicuddy.
- Oh.
396
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:06,061
Now, uh, Mrs. McGillicuddy,
397
00:19:06,061 --> 00:19:08,272
you know why you're up here, don't you?
398
00:19:08,272 --> 00:19:09,357
Huh?
399
00:19:10,066 --> 00:19:12,151
You know why you're up here, don't you?
400
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:15,071
I'm-- No, I don't.
401
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:18,032
Well, I want you to try
402
00:19:18,032 --> 00:19:20,951
some of Aunt Martha's
Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing
403
00:19:20,951 --> 00:19:23,037
and tell these people
what you think of it.
404
00:19:23,037 --> 00:19:24,121
Oh, all righty.
405
00:19:24,121 --> 00:19:26,290
It's a mighty pretty color, isn't it?
406
00:19:31,796 --> 00:19:33,881
Wow! Wow!
407
00:19:33,881 --> 00:19:34,965
What's that?
408
00:19:34,965 --> 00:19:38,219
Why, that's Aunt Martha's
Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing.
409
00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:40,137
Are you sure? Smell it.
410
00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:43,683
How about that?
411
00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:47,103
Looks like Aunt Martha had
too many old-fashioneds.
412
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:51,398
- What do you want me to do with it?
- I want you to taste it.
413
00:19:52,316 --> 00:19:53,317
Taste it?
414
00:19:54,902 --> 00:19:56,821
Now, maybe that's a bad jar.
415
00:19:56,821 --> 00:19:58,489
You could say that again.
416
00:19:58,489 --> 00:20:01,951
Here, let's try another one.
It's really delicious.
417
00:20:01,951 --> 00:20:02,952
All righty.
418
00:20:23,388 --> 00:20:26,058
What's Aunt Martha trying to do,
poison me?
419
00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:30,521
Friends, I can no longer
endorse this product.
420
00:20:30,521 --> 00:20:33,315
If you have ordered it,
send in your cancellations.
421
00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:35,067
Cancel, cancel!
422
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:38,529
Phone to Circle 7-2099
423
00:20:38,529 --> 00:20:41,532
or write to 623 East 68th Street.
424
00:20:41,532 --> 00:20:43,159
And do it now!
425
00:20:54,837 --> 00:20:56,172
[Fred] Lucy! Ethel!
426
00:20:56,172 --> 00:20:57,465
The mail. Here it is!
427
00:20:57,465 --> 00:20:58,924
- [Ethel] Come on in!
- [Fred] Open up!
428
00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:00,468
- Open up.
- Here it is.
429
00:21:00,468 --> 00:21:01,844
Look! Cancellations!
430
00:21:01,844 --> 00:21:04,388
It worked. Oh, boy!
431
00:21:05,055 --> 00:21:06,182
Oh, yes.
432
00:21:08,350 --> 00:21:09,435
Here.
433
00:21:09,435 --> 00:21:13,689
"Keep kidding the product.
It's wonderful. Send me four jars."
434
00:21:14,356 --> 00:21:17,526
"Enjoyed your hilarious
advertising stunt on television.
435
00:21:17,526 --> 00:21:20,738
Send me a jar of Aunt Martha's
Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing."
436
00:21:20,738 --> 00:21:23,407
"That's the American way to do things--
with a sense of humor.
437
00:21:23,407 --> 00:21:25,409
Send me a half a dozen jars."
438
00:21:25,409 --> 00:21:27,619
They're all orders.
439
00:21:27,619 --> 00:21:29,330
- Oh...
- Four quarts.
440
00:21:29,330 --> 00:21:30,664
- Send me one quart.
- Lucy...
441
00:22:28,347 --> 00:22:29,598
Is that the last one?
442
00:22:30,599 --> 00:22:31,851
Next to the last.
443
00:22:35,436 --> 00:22:37,273
Stick out your tongue.
444
00:22:40,484 --> 00:22:41,569
Thanks.
445
00:22:42,236 --> 00:22:44,446
Mine went dry 200 jars ago.
446
00:22:47,074 --> 00:22:50,411
1, 153 jars.
447
00:22:50,411 --> 00:22:51,912
Wow-wee.
448
00:22:51,912 --> 00:22:53,247
Come on, I'm tired.
449
00:22:53,247 --> 00:22:55,040
So am I. Whew!
450
00:22:56,041 --> 00:22:57,960
- Hi, girls.
- [Ethel and Lucy] Hi.
451
00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:00,421
Listen, I got to feeling sorry for you,
452
00:23:00,421 --> 00:23:02,882
so I got a whole assembly line system
figured out.
453
00:23:02,882 --> 00:23:05,467
You can bottle this stuff
in no time at all.
454
00:23:05,467 --> 00:23:07,970
Well, thanks just the same,
but we have news for you:
455
00:23:07,970 --> 00:23:10,222
- We're all finished.
- Finished?
456
00:23:10,222 --> 00:23:11,599
- [Lucy] Come here.
- So soon?
457
00:23:13,475 --> 00:23:16,270
My goodness!
458
00:23:16,270 --> 00:23:17,897
How did you do it?
459
00:23:17,897 --> 00:23:19,982
Oh, Lucy had a wonderful idea.
460
00:23:19,982 --> 00:23:21,275
Oh, it wasn't so much.
461
00:23:21,275 --> 00:23:26,321
We just went to the grocery store,
bought 1, 133 jars of salad dressing
462
00:23:26,321 --> 00:23:27,823
and pasted our labels on them.
463
00:23:29,992 --> 00:23:32,869
And it only cost ten cents
more a quart than ours.
464
00:23:34,955 --> 00:23:36,123
What?
465
00:23:36,123 --> 00:23:38,167
So we lost money.
466
00:23:38,167 --> 00:23:40,794
We'll spend the rest of our lives
making it up.
467
00:23:40,794 --> 00:23:43,130
Yeah, the main thing is,
we're done with it.
468
00:23:43,130 --> 00:23:45,299
- Yes.
- Are you?
469
00:23:45,299 --> 00:23:46,383
What do you mean?
470
00:23:46,383 --> 00:23:48,677
Well, you have to deliver this stuff.
471
00:23:48,677 --> 00:23:51,555
It's gonna cost you
at least 20 cents to mail it.
472
00:23:51,555 --> 00:23:54,350
Just a minute, dear.
We have that all figured out.
473
00:23:54,350 --> 00:23:55,768
Come, Ethel Roberta.
474
00:24:00,856 --> 00:24:02,023
- Oh, hiya, Fred.
- Hi, Rick.
475
00:24:02,023 --> 00:24:04,276
- Did you tell them about our plan?
- Yeah.
476
00:24:05,444 --> 00:24:07,696
- What's this?
- They don't need our plan.
477
00:24:08,321 --> 00:24:09,907
They went to the market store,
478
00:24:09,907 --> 00:24:12,952
and they bought a thousand and some
more jars of this stuff,
479
00:24:13,535 --> 00:24:15,621
they got their own labels,
they pasted it on,
480
00:24:15,621 --> 00:24:16,955
and they got it all finished.
481
00:24:16,955 --> 00:24:18,207
Pretty clever.
482
00:24:18,207 --> 00:24:20,876
I'm waiting here to find out
how they're gonna deliver it.
483
00:24:20,876 --> 00:24:22,461
Yeah, how they gonna do that?
484
00:24:22,461 --> 00:24:26,173
I don't know. Look, I gave up
trying to outguess them a long time ago.
485
00:24:47,236 --> 00:24:48,821
Where's my assistant?
486
00:24:54,451 --> 00:24:56,704
Well, you take the East Side,
I'll take the West Side,
487
00:24:56,704 --> 00:24:58,288
and I'll be in Jersey afore ye.
35275
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