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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:25,859 --> 00:00:27,486 - More meat loaf, anybody? - [Fred] No, thanks. 2 00:00:27,486 --> 00:00:29,071 - No, thank you, honey. - Ethel? 3 00:00:29,071 --> 00:00:31,949 Oh, I might as well finish up that last little dab. 4 00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:39,540 - Potatoes? - [Fred] No, thanks. 5 00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:40,999 - Mm-mmm. - Ethel? 6 00:00:41,833 --> 00:00:44,418 Just another taste. I hate to see food go to waste. 7 00:00:51,843 --> 00:00:53,845 - Salad? - [Fred] No, thanks. 8 00:00:53,845 --> 00:00:55,264 I couldn't eat another bite, honey. 9 00:00:57,891 --> 00:00:59,142 Mmm-mmm-mmm. 10 00:01:04,273 --> 00:01:07,693 Sometimes I feel like I was married to a garbage disposal. 11 00:01:11,780 --> 00:01:13,699 Oh, leave her alone, Fred. 12 00:01:13,699 --> 00:01:15,534 So she's got a good appetite. 13 00:01:15,534 --> 00:01:17,995 Sure, she's just a growing girl. 14 00:01:18,996 --> 00:01:20,706 Yeah, but she's growing sideways. 15 00:01:21,956 --> 00:01:23,667 Quiet, fat boy. 16 00:01:24,459 --> 00:01:27,004 Lucy, this is the best salad dressing I ever tasted. 17 00:01:27,004 --> 00:01:29,006 Well, thank you very much. 18 00:01:29,006 --> 00:01:30,465 Well, now, for once, you're right. 19 00:01:30,465 --> 00:01:32,968 Why don't you buy a bottle of that stuff, Ethel? 20 00:01:32,968 --> 00:01:35,554 Oh, you can't buy it. I made it myself, Fred. 21 00:01:35,554 --> 00:01:38,015 You know, you ought to bottle that, Lucy, and sell it. 22 00:01:38,015 --> 00:01:39,141 Oh, Fred! 23 00:01:39,141 --> 00:01:41,560 Well, I mean it. I bet you could make a lot of money. 24 00:01:43,020 --> 00:01:45,063 Money, money... 25 00:01:45,063 --> 00:01:48,025 Where did I hear that word today? 26 00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:51,778 Oh, yes, the teller at the bank called me 27 00:01:51,778 --> 00:01:54,865 and said that someone's account was overdrawn. 28 00:01:54,865 --> 00:01:56,408 Uh, dessert, anyone? 29 00:01:56,408 --> 00:01:57,743 [Ricky] Uh ... 30 00:01:57,743 --> 00:02:00,495 Guess who the teller said was overdrawn, Lucy. 31 00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:02,539 Uh, aren't these delicious-looking pastries? 32 00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:03,915 They're real gooey. 33 00:02:03,915 --> 00:02:06,418 I'll, uh, I'll give you a hint: 34 00:02:06,418 --> 00:02:09,504 He says it's someone who shares my joint account, 35 00:02:09,504 --> 00:02:10,714 but it's not me. 36 00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:13,216 Go on, Lucy, guess. 37 00:02:13,216 --> 00:02:14,635 Please, not while I'm eating. 38 00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:18,263 All right. Not while you're eating. 39 00:02:19,389 --> 00:02:20,474 Cake, Ethel? 40 00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:22,059 I don't know where I'd put it. 41 00:02:22,059 --> 00:02:24,061 Just drop it into the bottomless pit. 42 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:32,778 Are you finished eating? 43 00:02:32,778 --> 00:02:34,279 No, no, I'm not finished yet. 44 00:02:35,197 --> 00:02:36,198 I'll wait. 45 00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:03,725 These are very good. 46 00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:06,853 Made fresh today. 47 00:03:14,945 --> 00:03:16,321 - Finished? - Nope. 48 00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:26,873 I never can seem to get enough of these. 49 00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:34,881 Are you finished now? 50 00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:36,049 Yeah. 51 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:41,346 Now, would you mind telling me why you were overdrawn at the bank? 52 00:03:41,346 --> 00:03:43,974 Every month, I put money in the bank, 53 00:03:43,974 --> 00:03:47,185 and every month, you spend it all and more besides. 54 00:03:47,185 --> 00:03:48,687 I don't understand it. 55 00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:51,356 I mean, I'd like to know the reason. 56 00:03:51,356 --> 00:03:53,692 Now, why are you overdrawn at the bank? 57 00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:55,527 Lucy? 58 00:04:06,163 --> 00:04:08,874 Well, how'd things go after we left last night? 59 00:04:08,874 --> 00:04:10,417 Pretty rough, huh? 60 00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:13,170 It was the biggest battle of the budget yet. 61 00:04:13,170 --> 00:04:15,464 We thrashed out every item in my books. 62 00:04:15,464 --> 00:04:17,048 It was just terrible, Ethel. 63 00:04:17,048 --> 00:04:19,885 I've used up my allowance until June 12. 64 00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:21,928 Oh, that's not bad. 65 00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:24,639 June 12, 1978? 66 00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:28,601 Oh. Well, money isn't everything. 67 00:04:28,601 --> 00:04:30,604 Yeah, with me, it isn't anything. 68 00:04:31,229 --> 00:04:34,940 Gee, I wish I could invent something that would be worth a million dollars. 69 00:04:34,940 --> 00:04:36,985 You sound just like Fred Mertz. 70 00:04:36,985 --> 00:04:38,069 Fred? 71 00:04:38,069 --> 00:04:40,197 Yeah. Ever since we've been married, 72 00:04:40,197 --> 00:04:43,325 he's been trying to think up one idea worth a million dollars. 73 00:04:43,325 --> 00:04:44,993 None of his ideas any good, huh? 74 00:04:44,993 --> 00:04:46,286 Oh, he had some good ideas, 75 00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:49,206 but somebody always got to the patent office first. 76 00:04:49,206 --> 00:04:52,083 He's still mad at Edison for beating him to the electric light. 77 00:04:54,503 --> 00:04:56,129 And he's never forgiven Ford 78 00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:58,339 for scooping him with the horseless carriage. 79 00:04:58,339 --> 00:05:02,844 Well, at least, he was trying. I haven't even got an idea. 80 00:05:02,844 --> 00:05:04,596 Ethel, I've got it! 81 00:05:04,596 --> 00:05:05,680 Got what? 82 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:08,600 - I know how to make a million dollars. - How? 83 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:11,770 Remember last night when Fred was raving about my salad dressing? 84 00:05:11,770 --> 00:05:13,146 - Yeah. - Well, he's right. 85 00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:15,690 I'm gonna bottle it and put it on the market. 86 00:05:15,690 --> 00:05:17,400 Bottle it and sell it. 87 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:20,237 Yeah! It's the best salad dressing I ever tasted. 88 00:05:20,237 --> 00:05:22,613 We can make it here in the kitchen. Will you help me? 89 00:05:22,613 --> 00:05:24,366 - Sure. - It's a real simple recipe. 90 00:05:24,366 --> 00:05:25,826 I have it right here. 91 00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:27,911 Let's see. Here it is. 92 00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:29,246 There now. Let me see. 93 00:05:29,246 --> 00:05:31,039 Let's see now. What'll we call it? 94 00:05:31,039 --> 00:05:33,124 My Aunt Martha gave it to me. 95 00:05:33,124 --> 00:05:35,961 I suppose we really ought to call it "Aunt Martha's Salad Dressing." 96 00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:37,045 Sure. 97 00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:38,672 It needs more than that, though. 98 00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:43,134 How about "Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing"? 99 00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:44,803 Yeah, and we'll make it with old-fashioneds. 100 00:05:44,803 --> 00:05:45,846 No. 101 00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:48,640 We'll sell more of it. 102 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,600 Oh, come on, now. Be serious. 103 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:53,019 How are people gonna know that we're selling it? 104 00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:54,646 Now, we've got to advertise. 105 00:05:54,646 --> 00:05:56,022 Yeah. 106 00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:59,693 Gee, isn't it too bad we haven't got money enough to go on television? 107 00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:00,777 Yeah. 108 00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:03,529 Television! 109 00:06:03,529 --> 00:06:05,657 We'll go on television. 110 00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:06,741 Huh? 111 00:06:06,741 --> 00:06:08,827 I'll be a cooking expert. 112 00:06:08,827 --> 00:06:10,912 No, no, you'll be the cooking expert, 113 00:06:10,912 --> 00:06:13,498 and I'll be one of those women that they get from the audience. 114 00:06:13,498 --> 00:06:15,500 I know how they act. I've watched them a hundred times. 115 00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:17,335 So have I. I watch them every day. 116 00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:19,296 - That's great. - I know just what to do. 117 00:06:19,296 --> 00:06:20,589 What'll we use for money? 118 00:06:21,464 --> 00:06:22,966 What do we need with money? 119 00:06:22,966 --> 00:06:25,552 After all, who is my dearest friend in the whole wide world? 120 00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:26,720 Caroline Appleby. 121 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,638 Caroline Appleby? 122 00:06:28,638 --> 00:06:31,683 Since when did she get to be your dearest friend? 123 00:06:31,683 --> 00:06:32,851 Since I just remembered 124 00:06:32,851 --> 00:06:35,228 that her husband runs a television station. 125 00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:37,939 - Oh, yeah. - [Lucy] Yeah. 126 00:06:37,939 --> 00:06:39,690 You think she'll go for the idea? 127 00:06:39,690 --> 00:06:42,360 I think so, especially if we cut her in 128 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:45,279 to the tune of, say, three cents a bottle. 129 00:06:45,279 --> 00:06:48,158 - Yeah, she likes that kind of music. - Yeah. 130 00:06:48,158 --> 00:06:51,036 All she's got to do is get us on that Dickie Davis Show. 131 00:06:51,036 --> 00:06:54,247 He's on four hours every day, and he sells all sorts of things. 132 00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:57,834 The Dickie Davis Show. Yeah. 133 00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:00,128 Gee, I hope she'll do it. 134 00:07:00,128 --> 00:07:02,797 Oh, just show her money and she'll do anything. 135 00:07:02,797 --> 00:07:05,759 She is the greediest, the penny-pinchingest... 136 00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:08,053 Caroline, darling, how are you, dear? 137 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,472 Why, this is your old chum, Lucy. 138 00:07:13,016 --> 00:07:14,976 Thank you, thank you. 139 00:07:14,976 --> 00:07:18,813 That last number was brought to you by the Nelson Photo Finishing Company, 140 00:07:18,813 --> 00:07:22,567 located on the corner of Leed Boulevard and Hickox Avenue. 141 00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:26,446 Remember, the slogan of the Nelson Photo Finishing Company is, 142 00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:28,406 "Our business is developing." 143 00:07:28,406 --> 00:07:31,076 Oh, that's pretty clever, "Our business is developing." 144 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:34,913 Well, that brings us to a brand-new sponsor. 145 00:07:34,913 --> 00:07:37,374 It is now my pleasure to present to you 146 00:07:37,374 --> 00:07:40,043 Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing, 147 00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:41,836 and here to tell you all about it 148 00:07:41,836 --> 00:07:44,089 is one of the country's leading home economists, 149 00:07:44,089 --> 00:07:46,508 Mary Margaret McMertz. 150 00:07:52,097 --> 00:07:54,349 Good afternoon, homemakers. 151 00:07:54,349 --> 00:07:56,685 I am Mary Margaret McMertz, 152 00:07:56,685 --> 00:08:00,355 and today I have a wonderful surprise for you. 153 00:08:00,355 --> 00:08:04,567 For years, only a few close friends and relatives 154 00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:06,820 knew the thrill of eating salad 155 00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:10,073 made with Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing, 156 00:08:10,073 --> 00:08:11,616 but Aunt Martha-- 157 00:08:11,616 --> 00:08:15,036 Sweet, lovable, kind old lady that she is-- 158 00:08:15,036 --> 00:08:18,790 Has finally consented to let the world in on her secret, 159 00:08:18,790 --> 00:08:21,793 and today you can buy a quart 160 00:08:21,793 --> 00:08:24,004 of real honest-to-goodness, 161 00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:27,132 genuine Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing 162 00:08:27,132 --> 00:08:29,300 for only 40 cents a quart. 163 00:08:30,093 --> 00:08:31,511 Simply write to: 164 00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:37,726 Or call: 165 00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:43,356 Oh, pardon me. 166 00:08:45,817 --> 00:08:47,235 I did. 167 00:08:47,902 --> 00:08:49,529 And place your order. 168 00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:54,492 Now, in order to get an unbiased opinion on this product-- 169 00:08:54,492 --> 00:08:57,412 For after all, they're paying me to do this-- 170 00:08:58,663 --> 00:09:00,749 Just before we went on the air, 171 00:09:00,749 --> 00:09:04,836 I picked an average housewife at random from our audience 172 00:09:04,836 --> 00:09:06,212 and asked her to help me. 173 00:09:07,088 --> 00:09:08,256 Would you come up here, 174 00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:11,634 average housewife whom I picked at random from our audience? 175 00:09:11,634 --> 00:09:12,844 Yes, you dear. 176 00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:16,014 Right up those stairs. You, dear. 177 00:09:23,688 --> 00:09:25,482 Hello, dear. 178 00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:26,566 Hello. 179 00:09:27,484 --> 00:09:29,110 I'm Mary Margaret McMertz. 180 00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:32,447 - Oh, how do you do? - [Ethel chuckles] 181 00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:33,990 And, uh, what is your name? 182 00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:35,116 Hmm? 183 00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:36,409 What is your name? 184 00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:38,203 Uh, Isabella Clump. 185 00:09:38,203 --> 00:09:39,203 Oh. 186 00:09:40,163 --> 00:09:41,664 - - Mrs. Clump. 187 00:09:41,664 --> 00:09:42,957 Yeah? 188 00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:44,375 Have you ever heard 189 00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:47,295 of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing? 190 00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:50,215 Aunt-who's old-what salad-which? 191 00:09:51,006 --> 00:09:53,676 You see, friends, she's never heard of it. 192 00:09:53,676 --> 00:09:55,678 - No, I never heard of it. - Oh, good. 193 00:09:55,678 --> 00:09:58,932 Now, I want you to try this salad dressing 194 00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,642 and tell these people what you think... 195 00:10:00,642 --> 00:10:02,477 - Mrs. Clump. - What? 196 00:10:02,477 --> 00:10:04,479 I want you to try this salad dressing 197 00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:06,397 and tell these people what you think of it. 198 00:10:06,397 --> 00:10:08,191 - Oh, all right. - Pour it on the salad. 199 00:10:08,191 --> 00:10:09,526 Oh. 200 00:10:10,652 --> 00:10:13,530 - - That's it. 201 00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:15,073 Now, toss the salad. 202 00:10:15,073 --> 00:10:16,157 - Just mix it. - Okay. 203 00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:22,497 That's enough, dear. 204 00:10:22,497 --> 00:10:24,499 - Now let me have these. - Yeah. 205 00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:27,252 Now, taste it. 206 00:10:27,252 --> 00:10:29,254 Oh. All right. 207 00:10:32,131 --> 00:10:34,134 Mmm... 208 00:10:34,717 --> 00:10:36,803 - Well? - Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm... 209 00:10:38,011 --> 00:10:39,389 Mmm, mmm... 210 00:10:39,389 --> 00:10:40,723 - Well? - Mmm ... 211 00:10:40,723 --> 00:10:42,934 Mmm, mmm, mmm... 212 00:10:43,559 --> 00:10:44,894 Well, Mrs. Clump? 213 00:10:44,894 --> 00:10:45,979 Don't bother me. 214 00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:48,690 This is the best salad dressing I've ever eaten. 215 00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:49,899 There you are. 216 00:10:49,899 --> 00:10:54,112 The opinion of an average housewife picked at random from our audience. 217 00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:56,155 Mmm... 218 00:10:58,032 --> 00:11:01,327 You'll feel the same way once you try 219 00:11:01,327 --> 00:11:04,122 Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing 220 00:11:04,122 --> 00:11:06,207 at only 40 cents a quart. 221 00:11:06,207 --> 00:11:09,586 Simply call Circle 7-2099, 222 00:11:09,586 --> 00:11:15,508 or write to 623 East 68th Street and place your order. 223 00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:18,720 Until tomorrow, goodbye, then. 224 00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:28,938 Uh, you can relax, girls. You're off the air. 225 00:11:28,938 --> 00:11:30,356 Oh. 226 00:11:30,356 --> 00:11:31,607 Oh, how'd we'd do? 227 00:11:31,607 --> 00:11:34,444 Oh, wonderful. You've already got 23 orders by phone. 228 00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:37,155 - Oh, 23 orders! - Twenty-three! 229 00:11:37,155 --> 00:11:38,573 Oh, no kidding! 230 00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:52,837 ...a hundred and forty-four, 231 00:11:52,837 --> 00:11:55,423 a hundred and forty-four... 232 00:11:55,423 --> 00:12:00,886 a hundred and forty-five... 233 00:12:00,886 --> 00:12:03,556 a hundred and forty-six... 234 00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:06,309 a hundred and forty-six. 235 00:12:06,309 --> 00:12:08,186 There, the salt's all in. 236 00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:11,898 That takes care of the oil. 237 00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:14,525 Gee, if I get any more of this stuff on me, 238 00:12:14,525 --> 00:12:16,194 I'll be ready to swim the Channel. 239 00:12:16,194 --> 00:12:17,820 What do we do next? 240 00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:20,280 Peel the onions. 241 00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:31,751 - Say, Lucy. - What? 242 00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,920 Where'd you get the money to buy all this stuff? 243 00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:35,004 Charged it. 244 00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:37,590 Charged it? What's Ricky gonna say? 245 00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:40,385 Nothing. We'll have the money back before the bills come in. 246 00:12:40,385 --> 00:12:42,178 Oh, of course. 247 00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:43,804 Gee, isn't it wonderful? 248 00:12:43,804 --> 00:12:45,890 We only started in business yesterday, 249 00:12:45,890 --> 00:12:48,559 and already we got orders for 23 quarts. 250 00:12:48,559 --> 00:12:51,562 Yeah, and no telling how many more the mail will bring. 251 00:12:51,562 --> 00:12:54,482 Gee, this is a real get-rich-quick scheme. 252 00:12:54,482 --> 00:12:56,276 I'll say. Ooh. 253 00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:59,070 Just think, in no time at all, we're gonna be millionaires. 254 00:12:59,070 --> 00:13:01,405 Oh, that'll be lovely. 255 00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:02,615 Yeah. 256 00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:05,868 Ah. What are you going to do with your first million? 257 00:13:07,245 --> 00:13:10,331 I'm going to go right out and buy myself a mink coat. 258 00:13:10,331 --> 00:13:12,333 - - So am I. 259 00:13:12,333 --> 00:13:15,837 Then I'm going to buy myself a house in the country with a swimming pool 260 00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:18,172 and tennis court and horses. 261 00:13:18,172 --> 00:13:19,299 Oh, boy. 262 00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:21,592 Oh, that'll be nice. 263 00:13:26,681 --> 00:13:29,058 - You know what I'm going to do? - What? 264 00:13:29,058 --> 00:13:32,437 I'm going downtown and buy that bank and fire that teller. 265 00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,232 That'll be great. 266 00:13:36,232 --> 00:13:37,357 Yeah. 267 00:13:38,609 --> 00:13:40,445 We're going to be so happy. 268 00:13:41,404 --> 00:13:42,655 Yeah. 269 00:13:44,615 --> 00:13:45,700 [Ricky] Hi. 270 00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:47,452 - Hi, Ricky. - Hi, darling. 271 00:13:48,660 --> 00:13:50,246 Lucy, Ethel, what's the matter? 272 00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:52,749 - What do you mean, what's the matter? - What are you crying for? 273 00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:53,916 Crying? 274 00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:55,208 Oh, it's the onions. 275 00:13:55,208 --> 00:13:57,295 - Oh. - Oh ... 276 00:13:57,295 --> 00:13:58,671 Hey, what's all this? 277 00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:00,131 Welcome to the main plant 278 00:14:00,131 --> 00:14:03,259 of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing, Incorporated. 279 00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:04,969 What? 280 00:14:04,969 --> 00:14:06,763 Ethel and I are in business. 281 00:14:06,763 --> 00:14:09,432 We are bottling that good salad dressing I make. 282 00:14:09,432 --> 00:14:10,516 Ay, que barbaridad. 283 00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:12,934 Mira que no saben lo que estan haciendo. 284 00:14:12,934 --> 00:14:15,355 That's not true, whatever you said. 285 00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:18,357 We're going to make a million dollars. 286 00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:21,986 Well, this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my whole life. 287 00:14:21,986 --> 00:14:23,780 - Why? - There's lots 288 00:14:23,780 --> 00:14:25,948 of wonderful salad dressing in the market 289 00:14:25,948 --> 00:14:28,242 made by people that know what they're doing. 290 00:14:28,242 --> 00:14:30,203 Well, we know what we're doing. 291 00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:31,579 I should say! 292 00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:34,499 We've already got orders for 23 jars. 293 00:14:34,499 --> 00:14:36,292 At 40 cents a quart. 294 00:14:36,292 --> 00:14:37,627 40 cents a quart? 295 00:14:37,627 --> 00:14:39,003 Yes, sir. 296 00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:40,713 That sounds awful cheap. 297 00:14:41,464 --> 00:14:42,965 How much does it cost to make? 298 00:14:43,674 --> 00:14:46,052 Oh, uh... um... 299 00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:48,429 Oh, um... 300 00:14:49,347 --> 00:14:50,765 Well, we didn't figure that. 301 00:14:50,765 --> 00:14:53,768 Oh, I see. Well, what did you figure? 302 00:14:53,768 --> 00:14:57,105 Well, we figured you'd just buy the oil and the onions and stuff, 303 00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:59,774 and-and sell it, and what's left over is profit. 304 00:15:00,775 --> 00:15:03,277 Uh-huh. And what if there's nothing left over? 305 00:15:03,277 --> 00:15:06,864 There's got to be something left over. How else can we make a million dollars? 306 00:15:07,949 --> 00:15:10,743 Wait a minute. Now wait a minute. Now let's figure this thing out. 307 00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:13,079 How-How much did you pay for all this stuff? 308 00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:14,997 - All of it? - Yeah, all the stuff. Come on. 309 00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:17,333 Well, $7.21 for the groceries. 310 00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,710 - $7.21. - [Lucy] Yeah. 311 00:15:19,710 --> 00:15:22,922 - For the groceries. - [Ethel] And $1.20 for the jars. 312 00:15:24,132 --> 00:15:26,050 $1.20 for the jars. 313 00:15:26,050 --> 00:15:28,136 [Lucy] Ten cents for the labels. 314 00:15:28,136 --> 00:15:30,221 Ten cents for the labels. 315 00:15:30,221 --> 00:15:31,973 That's, um... 316 00:15:36,477 --> 00:15:39,564 $8.31... 317 00:15:39,564 --> 00:15:42,608 And, uh, how many jars are you making? 318 00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:43,818 Twenty-three. 319 00:15:43,818 --> 00:15:45,820 Twenty-three jars. 320 00:15:48,364 --> 00:15:50,908 And, uh, and you're selling it for what? 321 00:15:50,908 --> 00:15:54,120 Forty cents a quart. 322 00:15:55,413 --> 00:15:58,416 Twenty-three jars, 40 cents a quart. 323 00:15:59,834 --> 00:16:02,253 Oh, now, get these onions out of here! 324 00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:04,380 For goodness' sake. 325 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:08,968 Now, let me see now. That's, uh... 326 00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:12,555 - Uh-huh. - How much profit are we going to make? 327 00:16:12,555 --> 00:16:14,140 Three cents a jar. 328 00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:15,808 Three cents a jar? 329 00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:18,478 That three cents goes to Caroline. 330 00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:19,729 Yeah. 331 00:16:19,729 --> 00:16:23,316 Well, uh, maybe there is no profit on each individual jar, 332 00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:24,942 but we'll make it up in volume. 333 00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:28,196 This I'd like to see. 334 00:16:28,196 --> 00:16:29,906 - Let me tell you something else. - [Lucy] What? 335 00:16:29,906 --> 00:16:32,742 I didn't figure shipping, mailing, 336 00:16:33,409 --> 00:16:36,496 insurance, taxes or overhead. 337 00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:38,956 Oh, well, if you're gonna figure all that stuff. 338 00:16:38,956 --> 00:16:40,458 Lucy... 339 00:16:40,458 --> 00:16:41,876 - What? - Come here. 340 00:16:41,876 --> 00:16:42,960 No. 341 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,004 Look, I'm not gonna get mad. 342 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:46,214 - You're not? - No. 343 00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:48,716 Well, all right. 344 00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:51,802 - Now, at least you try. - Yes? 345 00:16:51,802 --> 00:16:53,387 Now, the thing for you to do 346 00:16:53,387 --> 00:16:56,474 is fill this 23 orders and get out of business. 347 00:16:56,474 --> 00:16:57,600 Well ... 348 00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,894 That way, I'll only lose seven or eight dollars. 349 00:16:59,894 --> 00:17:01,562 - [Lucy] Yeah. - [Fred] Lucy! Ethel! 350 00:17:01,562 --> 00:17:03,022 - [Lucy] Yeah? - We're in here, Fred. 351 00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:04,982 - [Fred] I got your mail! - Okay. 352 00:17:09,487 --> 00:17:10,905 What's that? 353 00:17:10,905 --> 00:17:12,114 That's your morning mail. 354 00:17:12,114 --> 00:17:13,782 [Ethel] The morning mail? 355 00:17:13,782 --> 00:17:15,326 You're kidding! 356 00:17:15,326 --> 00:17:18,246 "Send me one quart of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing." 357 00:17:18,246 --> 00:17:19,914 "Send me one quart of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned..." 358 00:17:19,914 --> 00:17:21,999 "Send me one quart of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned..." 359 00:17:21,999 --> 00:17:24,502 - "Send me two quarts"-- - [Lucy] "Send me four quarts 360 00:17:24,502 --> 00:17:26,921 of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing." 361 00:17:26,921 --> 00:17:29,757 - "...One quart of Aunt Martha's"-- - They're all the same. All orders. 362 00:17:29,757 --> 00:17:33,427 Well, how-- Where did this mail come from? How do all these people know about this? 363 00:17:33,427 --> 00:17:34,887 Um... 364 00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:39,475 Uh, well, yesterday we did a spot on Charlie Appleby's television show. 365 00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:42,019 Well, there's two more sacks of mail downstairs. 366 00:17:42,019 --> 00:17:43,104 [Ethel and Lucy] Oh, no. 367 00:17:43,104 --> 00:17:45,690 What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad. 368 00:17:45,690 --> 00:17:49,484 Uh, we just applied a little arithmetic, 369 00:17:49,484 --> 00:17:52,655 and we found out that they're losing money on every jar. 370 00:17:52,655 --> 00:17:54,907 Yeah, I thought it sounded too good. 371 00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:57,326 Hey, Lucy, look at all this mail. 372 00:17:57,326 --> 00:17:59,912 We must be terrific television salesmen. 373 00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:02,707 Yeah. Oh, listen! 374 00:18:02,707 --> 00:18:06,627 Maybe we'd better go back on that program and unsell that salad dressing, and-- 375 00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:09,422 And then maybe all these people will take back their orders. 376 00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:10,756 - Yeah. - What are you talking about? 377 00:18:10,756 --> 00:18:12,967 If we did such a good job of selling yesterday, 378 00:18:12,967 --> 00:18:15,678 maybe we can go back on again and unsell it today. 379 00:18:15,678 --> 00:18:18,723 Here I am again, Mary Margaret McMertz. 380 00:18:18,723 --> 00:18:21,851 And today, I'm going to demonstrate the same product 381 00:18:21,851 --> 00:18:23,853 that I showed you yesterday. 382 00:18:23,853 --> 00:18:25,938 And to get an unbiased opinion, 383 00:18:26,689 --> 00:18:29,275 I asked an average housewife, 384 00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:32,194 picked at random from our audience just before we went on the air, 385 00:18:32,194 --> 00:18:33,779 to come up here and help me. 386 00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:37,199 Would you come up here, average housewife whom I picked at random, please? 387 00:18:46,751 --> 00:18:47,877 How do you do? 388 00:18:47,877 --> 00:18:49,253 Hello. 389 00:18:50,087 --> 00:18:52,173 I am Mary Margaret McMertz. 390 00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:53,507 How do you do? 391 00:18:54,215 --> 00:18:55,718 And what is your name? 392 00:18:57,345 --> 00:18:58,888 What is your name? 393 00:18:58,888 --> 00:18:59,972 Huh? 394 00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:01,140 Your name, please. 395 00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:03,976 - Oh, Lucille McGillicuddy. - Oh. 396 00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:06,061 Now, uh, Mrs. McGillicuddy, 397 00:19:06,061 --> 00:19:08,272 you know why you're up here, don't you? 398 00:19:08,272 --> 00:19:09,357 Huh? 399 00:19:10,066 --> 00:19:12,151 You know why you're up here, don't you? 400 00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:15,071 I'm-- No, I don't. 401 00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:18,032 Well, I want you to try 402 00:19:18,032 --> 00:19:20,951 some of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing 403 00:19:20,951 --> 00:19:23,037 and tell these people what you think of it. 404 00:19:23,037 --> 00:19:24,121 Oh, all righty. 405 00:19:24,121 --> 00:19:26,290 It's a mighty pretty color, isn't it? 406 00:19:31,796 --> 00:19:33,881 Wow! Wow! 407 00:19:33,881 --> 00:19:34,965 What's that? 408 00:19:34,965 --> 00:19:38,219 Why, that's Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing. 409 00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:40,137 Are you sure? Smell it. 410 00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:43,683 How about that? 411 00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:47,103 Looks like Aunt Martha had too many old-fashioneds. 412 00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:51,398 - What do you want me to do with it? - I want you to taste it. 413 00:19:52,316 --> 00:19:53,317 Taste it? 414 00:19:54,902 --> 00:19:56,821 Now, maybe that's a bad jar. 415 00:19:56,821 --> 00:19:58,489 You could say that again. 416 00:19:58,489 --> 00:20:01,951 Here, let's try another one. It's really delicious. 417 00:20:01,951 --> 00:20:02,952 All righty. 418 00:20:23,388 --> 00:20:26,058 What's Aunt Martha trying to do, poison me? 419 00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:30,521 Friends, I can no longer endorse this product. 420 00:20:30,521 --> 00:20:33,315 If you have ordered it, send in your cancellations. 421 00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:35,067 Cancel, cancel! 422 00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:38,529 Phone to Circle 7-2099 423 00:20:38,529 --> 00:20:41,532 or write to 623 East 68th Street. 424 00:20:41,532 --> 00:20:43,159 And do it now! 425 00:20:54,837 --> 00:20:56,172 [Fred] Lucy! Ethel! 426 00:20:56,172 --> 00:20:57,465 The mail. Here it is! 427 00:20:57,465 --> 00:20:58,924 - [Ethel] Come on in! - [Fred] Open up! 428 00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:00,468 - Open up. - Here it is. 429 00:21:00,468 --> 00:21:01,844 Look! Cancellations! 430 00:21:01,844 --> 00:21:04,388 It worked. Oh, boy! 431 00:21:05,055 --> 00:21:06,182 Oh, yes. 432 00:21:08,350 --> 00:21:09,435 Here. 433 00:21:09,435 --> 00:21:13,689 "Keep kidding the product. It's wonderful. Send me four jars." 434 00:21:14,356 --> 00:21:17,526 "Enjoyed your hilarious advertising stunt on television. 435 00:21:17,526 --> 00:21:20,738 Send me a jar of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing." 436 00:21:20,738 --> 00:21:23,407 "That's the American way to do things-- with a sense of humor. 437 00:21:23,407 --> 00:21:25,409 Send me a half a dozen jars." 438 00:21:25,409 --> 00:21:27,619 They're all orders. 439 00:21:27,619 --> 00:21:29,330 - Oh... - Four quarts. 440 00:21:29,330 --> 00:21:30,664 - Send me one quart. - Lucy... 441 00:22:28,347 --> 00:22:29,598 Is that the last one? 442 00:22:30,599 --> 00:22:31,851 Next to the last. 443 00:22:35,436 --> 00:22:37,273 Stick out your tongue. 444 00:22:40,484 --> 00:22:41,569 Thanks. 445 00:22:42,236 --> 00:22:44,446 Mine went dry 200 jars ago. 446 00:22:47,074 --> 00:22:50,411 1, 153 jars. 447 00:22:50,411 --> 00:22:51,912 Wow-wee. 448 00:22:51,912 --> 00:22:53,247 Come on, I'm tired. 449 00:22:53,247 --> 00:22:55,040 So am I. Whew! 450 00:22:56,041 --> 00:22:57,960 - Hi, girls. - [Ethel and Lucy] Hi. 451 00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:00,421 Listen, I got to feeling sorry for you, 452 00:23:00,421 --> 00:23:02,882 so I got a whole assembly line system figured out. 453 00:23:02,882 --> 00:23:05,467 You can bottle this stuff in no time at all. 454 00:23:05,467 --> 00:23:07,970 Well, thanks just the same, but we have news for you: 455 00:23:07,970 --> 00:23:10,222 - We're all finished. - Finished? 456 00:23:10,222 --> 00:23:11,599 - [Lucy] Come here. - So soon? 457 00:23:13,475 --> 00:23:16,270 My goodness! 458 00:23:16,270 --> 00:23:17,897 How did you do it? 459 00:23:17,897 --> 00:23:19,982 Oh, Lucy had a wonderful idea. 460 00:23:19,982 --> 00:23:21,275 Oh, it wasn't so much. 461 00:23:21,275 --> 00:23:26,321 We just went to the grocery store, bought 1, 133 jars of salad dressing 462 00:23:26,321 --> 00:23:27,823 and pasted our labels on them. 463 00:23:29,992 --> 00:23:32,869 And it only cost ten cents more a quart than ours. 464 00:23:34,955 --> 00:23:36,123 What? 465 00:23:36,123 --> 00:23:38,167 So we lost money. 466 00:23:38,167 --> 00:23:40,794 We'll spend the rest of our lives making it up. 467 00:23:40,794 --> 00:23:43,130 Yeah, the main thing is, we're done with it. 468 00:23:43,130 --> 00:23:45,299 - Yes. - Are you? 469 00:23:45,299 --> 00:23:46,383 What do you mean? 470 00:23:46,383 --> 00:23:48,677 Well, you have to deliver this stuff. 471 00:23:48,677 --> 00:23:51,555 It's gonna cost you at least 20 cents to mail it. 472 00:23:51,555 --> 00:23:54,350 Just a minute, dear. We have that all figured out. 473 00:23:54,350 --> 00:23:55,768 Come, Ethel Roberta. 474 00:24:00,856 --> 00:24:02,023 - Oh, hiya, Fred. - Hi, Rick. 475 00:24:02,023 --> 00:24:04,276 - Did you tell them about our plan? - Yeah. 476 00:24:05,444 --> 00:24:07,696 - What's this? - They don't need our plan. 477 00:24:08,321 --> 00:24:09,907 They went to the market store, 478 00:24:09,907 --> 00:24:12,952 and they bought a thousand and some more jars of this stuff, 479 00:24:13,535 --> 00:24:15,621 they got their own labels, they pasted it on, 480 00:24:15,621 --> 00:24:16,955 and they got it all finished. 481 00:24:16,955 --> 00:24:18,207 Pretty clever. 482 00:24:18,207 --> 00:24:20,876 I'm waiting here to find out how they're gonna deliver it. 483 00:24:20,876 --> 00:24:22,461 Yeah, how they gonna do that? 484 00:24:22,461 --> 00:24:26,173 I don't know. Look, I gave up trying to outguess them a long time ago. 485 00:24:47,236 --> 00:24:48,821 Where's my assistant? 486 00:24:54,451 --> 00:24:56,704 Well, you take the East Side, I'll take the West Side, 487 00:24:56,704 --> 00:24:58,288 and I'll be in Jersey afore ye. 35275

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