Original subtitles

- How about you, dear? - No, no. I got enough.

Have another piece of cake, Fred.

Nope.

- Ricky? - Uh-uh.

Oh, gee, this is the first time I've had to relax all day.

What'll we do tonight?

Oh, I don't know. What's on television?

- Fight night! - Oh, no, you don't.

Just sit down.

- [Fred grumbles] - Sit down.

I've looked at so many fights on television, I've got cauliflower eyes.

Come on, now. We're four grown people. Let's entertain ourselves.

- [Ricky] Okay. - [Ethel] Okay.

Um...

Tsk. Oh, come now.

Surely we can think of something to entertain ourselves.

- Oh, stop that. -

How about playing some cards?

No, we can't. Little Ricky ate the queen of spades.

Oh, right.

Besides, I'd like to think of something a little more intellectual.

I know. We'll take a quiz.

A quiz?

Yeah, it's all about husbands and wives.

Oh, no.

You know what those are, Fred.

"How to rate your marriage, or is your spouse a louse?"

Don't laugh at him, Ethel.

Now, here it is. It's called ...

Well, doesn't matter what it's called.

- I'll keep score. - Just a minute.

Let us in on it. What is it called?

"How to rate your marriage, or is your spouse a louse?"

You read it, you louse!

No, I'm sorry, but I didn't read it. Go ahead.

- [Ricky chuckles] - Oh, let's see now.

I'll keep score, and at the end, we'll add them all up

and see if each of us is married to our perfect mate.

For this I need a quiz?

All right, now, first question.

Uh... "Do you tell your troubles to your married partner?"

Ethel?

- Yes. - Yes.

Fred?

Well, I try to spare her all I can.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Put down "yes" for the king of the bellyachers.

And "yes" for Ricky and "yes" for Lucy.

Now, wait a minute. Don't put down "yes" for me.

You have no idea of all the problems I have.

I don't tell you my troubles.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

I thought all those troubles you brought home were yours.

"No" for Ricky.

Now, next question.

"Do you tell your husband or wife how much you pay for your clothes?"

Ethel?

Well?

It's been so long since I bought any, I forgot.

Put down "yes."

Fred?

Yeah.

- Ricky? - Of course.

Now, next question. Have you told your husband--

Wait a minute.

What's the matter?

The quiz mistress neglected to ask herself the last question.

Oh, I did?

Yeah.

The question was:

Do you tell your husband how much you pay for your clothes?

- That's right. Now, the next question is-- - Uh-uh-uh.

- All right, one "no" for Lucy. - Uh-huh.

Now, the next question.

"Have you told your husband or wife all about your past romances?"

- Well, if I told Fred... - Ricky?

Me? It's Ethel's turn first.

Yeah, well, I thought I'd break the monotony by asking you first.

Besides, I can't wait to hear your answers.

Have you told me all about your past romances?

Well, now, let me see.

Uh...

Well?

Wait a minute.

Eh, yeah...

Uh, yeah, I told you everything, yep.

"Yes" for Ricky.

- Well, if I told Fred-- - Now, for me.

Let's see. Have I told you about my old romances?

I told you about going with the captain of the football team, didn't I?

Yes, a hundred times.

Then there was that lifeguard who was so crazy about me.

Yes, you bared your soul to me about him, too.

Yes, well, besides those,

there were just a few big flaming romances that I've had.

Let's see.

Billy, Maury, Jess, Jerry,

Bob and Bennett and George and Phil.

Martin and Danny, Argyle and Bud.

And Wilbur and Noble and Carl.

Frank and Henry-- that was in high school.

Uh, then in junior college, there was Johnny and Kenny--

Okay, okay, okay.

I was only trying to be honest and make sure

I had told you about everybody, dear.

I sensed that.

Well, now I can put down "yes" with a very clear conscience.

Now, uh, Ethel?

Well, if I told Fred all about--

Hey, uh, have I ever told you about Carlota Romero?

- Who? - Carlota Romero.

No. Who's she?

Oh, I didn't tell you about her, huh?

- No. - Oh.

Just a girl I used to go with in Cuba.

Oh.

Now I told you, I can keep my "yes" answer and be honest about it.

Yeah.

Ethel?

- Well... - Why haven't you told me about her before?

Oh, I don't know. No-no-no particular reason.

It just slipped my mind.

Oh.

Was it a big romance?

Well, you know, it's...

just... one of those "thins."

Just one of those "thins."

Well, come on, Ethel. What are you waiting for?

I've forgotten the question.

The question is: "Have you told your husband or"--

Just one of those what "thins"?

Come on, now, Lucy. It's my turn.

There's just no point in going on with this quiz.

It's very obvious that one of us has so many secrets from his mate,

he couldn't possibly be happily married.

I am, too.

Well, I'm not.

Oh, honey, you're getting upset over nothing.

If it was nothing, why didn't you tell me about it before?

Well, because there is no Carlota Romero.

I just made it up.

Ha!

Would you join me in your apartment, Ethel?

Oh, honey, you're being silly.

I'm not speaking to you.

Oh, now, Lucy, he's trying to get even

because you mentioned all those boys' names.

- How do you-- - [Fred] Wow!

She's really burned.

I think you'd have been better off telling her about that dame.

I did. I told her the truth. I told her I made it up.

There's no Carlota Romero.

Well, Lucy doesn't believe you, so what are you going to do about her?

Gee, I don't know. I didn't expect her to get that mad.

I was just teasing her.

You know, we've been married for 12 years, and I still can't figure her out.

I bet sometimes you wish you'd have made her up.

Well, she'll get over it.

Yeah, Ethel will look after her.

Come on. Let's-- Let's look at the fights.

Okay. Maybe it's time for the main event.

Here we go, honey. Eat a great big breakfast.

Aw, come on. Eat a great big breakfast.

- - Aw, come on, honey. Come on.

- Come on. - What's the matter, boy?

Hi.

Hello, Son. What's the matter? What are you crying about?

Don't answer him, Ricky.

I don't want you associating with a man of his reputation.

Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay. Now, listen, honey.

In fact, neither of us are going to talk to him

until he explains his lurid past.

- Hi, Rick. - Oh, hi, Fred.

Boy, you're the sly one.

- What are you talking about? - You know what I'm talking about.

I saw the morning paper.

Look, I got enough troubles without playing games. What's up?

You remember that, uh, gal you made up, uh, Carlota Romero?

- Yeah. - Well, you did a pretty good job.

She's appearing in town this week.

- What? - "What?"

Right here in the paper. Look at that.

[Ricky] "Carlota Romero, Cuban singing star,

opened her first American engagement at the Opal Room."

Oh, no!

Not bad.

I'll say this for you,

when you make them up, you don't do badly.

You know, I must have seen her name in Variety or Billboard

and it got stuck in my mind.

Yeah, well, when Lucy sees that picture, she'll knock it loose.

Ay-ay-ay. Now, look.

Fred, ta-ta-ta-take this paper home with you, huh?

I've already got a copy.

I know, but take it home with you. I don't want Lucy won't see it.

I'm still trying to convince her that I made it up.

Oh, well, all right.

Ee...

Oh, what a tangled web we weave.

- Huh? - That's an old saying.

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive."

What does that mean?

Well, it means that, uh ...

Well, I'll have it translated in Spanish and bring it back to you.

Hi, Lucy.

Hi, girl.

Well, you're in a better mood than I expected you to be.

Oh, you mean about what happened last night?

Well, I'll give Ricky a bad time for a while, but I believed him

when he said he made up that Carlota Romero business.

Well, how did he explain this morning's paper?

Why, what about it?

- Uh-oh. - What about it?

Um, nothing, nothing.

Come on. What's in the paper you don't want me to see?

Uh, uh, well, uh, I didn't want to be the one to tell you,

- but, uh... - But what?

Uh, Daddy Warbucks has left Little Orphan Annie again.

Oh, Ethel, let me see that paper.

It's on the back page.

"Carlota Romero, Cuban singing star,

opens her first American engagement

at the Opal Room."

- Oh, now-- -

Now, Lucy, pull yourself together.

It says in the paper, she's never been in America,

so Ricky couldn't have seen her for 15 years.

Well, she's here now.

I'll bet they're planning to stir up those old embers again.

Be kind of hard to stir embers into a flame after 15 years.

She doesn't look like her pilot light would ever go out.

Oh, let me see that.

Oh, forget it. You got nothing to worry about.

She couldn't take Ricky away from you.

Why, you're twice as pretty as she is.

You really think so?

Certainly, and you got twice as good a figure.

- I have? - Mm-hmm.

Oh, I wish I could stand and carry myself the way you do.

It's absolutely regal.

Frankly, I can't understand why you were never chosen Miss America.

Oh, thank you, Ethel.

Well, I ...

I guess I don't have anything to worry about.

What's the matter? What's the matter?

What's the matter? What happened?

What's the matter? What's the matter?

What's the matter? What's the matter?

Lucy, what's the matter?

That's-- That's for running off with that castanet-clacker,

you big Cuban heel!

Are you crazy or something?

Lucy!

Lucy!

Lucy!

Lucy, what's the matter with you? What's the matter?

I dreamed you left me for Carlota Romero.

Oh, for goodness' sakes.

That's the craziest thing I ever heard in my whole life.

I'm not so sure.

She's right here in town, as if you didn't know.

Now, listen to me, I made that name up.

Or at least I-I-I-I thought I made the name up.

I must have read it someplace or something without noticing,

because this morning when-- when Fred came over and--

And here was this girl's picture in the paper and then,

and here I-I didn't even know this girl

and-and here I made the same name up.

Isn't that a funny coincidence, huh?

No?

- Who are you trying to kid? - Look, if--

You big two-timing button-giver!

Button-giver?

What does that mean?

Never mind. You going to tell me the truth or aren't you?

Look, honey, if you don't believe me, why don't you call her up and ask her?

I'll just do that.

Okay.

Okay!

O-kay.

Huh, gee.

And don't do that no more!

Hi.

Oh, hi, dear.

What's going on?

- Company tonight. - Oh? Who?

Ethel and Fred and Jerry and Carlota.

Who?

Carlota. Carlota Romero.

You remember her.

Why did you ask her over for?

Because I wanted to see you two together.

Jerry called her up and set the whole thing up for me.

Fine agent I got.

And if you're going to mumble,

please have the decency to mumble in English.

Here she is.

- Hi. - Oh, it's only the Mertzes.

Well, thanks. You know, that's getting to be our first name:

"Mr. And Mrs. Only-The-Mertzes."

I'm sorry, dear. Won't you come in and sit down?

- Hi, Rick. - Hi, Ethel.

- Oh, food. - Hiya, Fred.

[Fred] Hi.

Now, Fred, leave those alone! They're for company.

Well, what am I? Don't answer that.

- Hi. - Oh, it's only Jerry.

Well!

Everybody's got the same first name these days.

Thanks, Lucy. Hi, Ethel, Fred.

- Hi, Jerry. - Jerry, how are you?

- [Ricky] Hi, Jerry. - [Lucy] Where's Carlota?

Oh, she told me on the telephone,

she had to go on an interview and she'd meet me up here.

Good, the sooner, the better.

Oh, yeah, and, Ricky, she said she can hardly wait to see you again.

That's nice.

What?

Aha!

Now, Lucy, it isn't true.

Never mind!

Now, Jerry, what are you talking about?

I never saw this girl before in my whole life.

Well, sure you did.

She told me on the phone she worked with you

in a nightclub in Havana, oh, about 15 or 16 years ago.

She was part of a singing act.

They called themselves the Five Romero Sisters.

Oh, for goodness' sakes.

Which one of them?

Well, now, how should I know?

Anyway, she was very surprised to hear

that you remembered her, see?

And, oh, she said be sure and don't to expect her

to look exactly like she did in the picture in the paper

because that was taken, oh, about 17 years ago.

There she is now.

Ricky, I'm Carlota!

Hey, wait a minute, I'm not Ricky.

- Ricky! - Nope.

- Ricky! - Yes.

Hello, Carlota. How are you?

Glad to see you.

This is Mr. and Mrs. Mertz.

Oh, hello, Carlota.

- This is my agent, Jerry. - How do you do?

Well, it's nice to see you.

What have you been doing since I last saw you?

Putting on weight mostly.

Well, you look fine.

Was that Carlota?

Yes.

Where is she?

Oh, Lucy, I'd like you to meet someone.

[Lucy] Oh.

This is Carlota Romero.

Oh, how do you--

Carlota Romer--

Well, am I glad to see you!

Hello, Lucy.

Oh, my, you will never know.

I am so glad to see you.

Come over here and sit down.

This is quite a welcome.

I'm surprised that Ricky would even remember me.

Well, my dear, he will never forget you.

That's nice.

I guess I look a little different than you expected, don't I?

Well, uh, yes, yes.

I didn't expect anyone so pretty and charming

and so full of--

Well, so full of--

Uh...

Well, so full.

Tell, me, Carlota, how long are you going to be in town?

We must...