Original subtitles

All right, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.

Listen, I don't know, I think that something in there doesn't sound right.

Will you play it alone, Alberto?

Okay.

Sounds all right now.

I guess it's me.

We'll take it over in a couple of minutes.

- Hello. - Hi, dear.

Oh, hello, honey.

How are you? Still have your headache?

Yeah, I still have it.

Oh...

I wish I knew what was causing it.

Oh, haven't you got any idea?

Could it be something down there at the club?

No.

No. Everything is real peaceful down here.

You know what I think? I think it's your eyes.

Aah ...

Don't "aah" me now, Ricky.

You promise me you'll go and have your eyes examined.

Oh, honey, I got a lot of work to do.

Now, Ricky, you promise me.

All right, all right.

All right, dear, bye-bye.

Goodbye.

Ricky!

Bill Parker!

- Hiya, Ricky. Good to see you. - How are you? Glad to see you.

I read in Variety that you were in town.

You're going to produce a Broadway show, huh?

Yes. Till the pictures make up their mind, I'm going back to the theater.

Well, good. Say, uh, are you going to let me try for the lead?

Well, I would, Ricky,

but you're not exactly the type for an English professor.

Oh, you mean my accent?

Yeah.

Oh, that's a phony.

Sure. You know, people think that I really talk this way,

but I "don't."

You "don't," huh?

No.

- I'll keep you in mind. - Okay.

Say, uh, I have a little problem.

The theater that I've been using for my auditions

has been taken over by a TV show.

You suppose I could use your club for just a couple of days?

Why, sure, Bill, anything you want at all.

Hey, how about having dinner with us tonight?

Wonderful! Like to meet your wife.

- That's right, you haven't met Lucy. - Not yet.

Okay, I'll call her.

It'll be a pleasure to spend an evening with some folks

who aren't trying to audition for my show.

Uh-oh.

What's the matter?

Uh, look, uh,

if you want to spend a real pleasant evening,

I'd better introduce you as Bill Parker, an old friend of mine,

and not mention anything about your connections with show business.

Has your wife got aspirations?

No, no, she's feeling all right.

It's, uh,

just that sh-she wants to get in show business.

I see.

I'll call her and tell her that you're just an old friend of mine.

We won't say what kind of business you're in.

- Okay, Ricky. - All right.

Lucy, have you seen Fred?

No, honey, I haven't. I want to ask you something.

Lucy, you seen Ethel?

Oh, there you are.

Where have you been?

I've been looking for you. Where have you been?

- I've been looking-- - Now, wait a minute.

You found each other. Now go on from there.

What do you want?

I want you to tell you to be sure and sandpaper

that new bannister you put in

before some idiot runs his hand down it and picks up a splinter.

- What did you want? - I was wondering if you'd help me

get this splinter out of my hand.

Oh, fine. Come on.

Hey, Ethel, wait a minute.

I want to know if I can borrow your big roaster.

Sure. You having company?

Well, Ricky said he was bringing home an old pal,

a Bill... Parker.

I wonder if that could be William Parker?

You mean the William Parker?

Well, he said his name was Bill. Who's William Parker?

[Ethel and Fred] "Who's William Parker?"

- Where's your Variety? - Yeah, where's the Var--

- Right there. - Oh, there was something about him

- right there today, wasn't there? - [Fred] Yes.

Yes, there it is, there it is.

"Who's William Parker?"

Read this.

- This? - Yeah.

"Parker preps prod for Pitt prem."

"Parker preps prod for Pitt prem-- prem."

- Well? - Who's William Parker?

Well, the headline is a little confusing, but read the article.

"William Parker"-- that much I understand--

"William Parker, formerly legit prod,

currently top pic exec seeks thesps for flesh tuner."

Oh...

Ethel, come here.

Who's William Parker?

Oh.

Oh, that's Variety talk.

They have their own way of saying things.

That's for sure.

"Parker preps prod for Pitt prem."

- Mm-hmm. - That means,

"Parker prepares production for Pittsburgh premiere."

- No kidding? - Uh-huh.

And the rest of it means that he's a big shot from pictures

who is auditioning for a musical that he's going to produce.

And he's coming here to dinner.

Well, gather round, friends, we have plans to make.

I'm ready. What time is it, dear?

It's a quarter to.

They ought to be here any minute.

Remember, we're gonna make it seem real casual and natural.

Are you sure you can get rid of Ricky?

You just leave that to me, girl.

Here we are, Bill. Oh, hi, everybody.

- [Lucy] Hi, dear. - Bill, I want you to meet my wife, Lucy.

- How do you do, Mr. Parker? - [Ricky] Bill Parker.

Very nice to know you.

And this is Mr. and Mrs. Mertz. Bill Parker.

- Hello, Mr. Parker. - How do you do?

I asked Fred and Ethel to stay for dinner, dear.

Oh, that's good. Fine.

Sit down, Bill. Make yourself at home.

- Here, give me that. - Sit here, Mr. Parker.

- Thank you. - Uh, what did the eye doctor say, dear?

Oh, I forgot.

Oh, now, you didn't. Will you promise me you'll go tomorrow?

Okay, dear, I will.

- He's been having splitting headaches. - Oh?

Listen, dear, would you do me a great big favor

and run down to the corner drugstore and get some ice cream?

We don't have to have ice cream.

Please, now, dear. I didn't have time to make any dessert, Mr. Parker.

Please, dear?

- All right. Will you excuse me? - He'll be right back.

Listen, dear, get me a quart of vanilla

and have them pack it in that special packing.

- Vanilla? All right. - Yes, honey.

- In that special packing, huh? -

♪ There's no business like show business ♪

♪ Like no business I know ♪

♪ Everything about it is appealing ♪

♪ Everything the traffic will allow ♪

♪ Nowhere can you get that happy feeling ♪

♪ When you are stealing that extra bow ♪

♪ There's no people like show people ♪

♪ They smile when they are low ♪

♪ Even with a turkey That you know will fold ♪

♪ You may get stranded out in the cold ♪

♪ But you wouldn't change it For a stack of gold ♪

♪ Let's go on with the show ♪

♪ There's no business like show business ♪

♪ Like no business I know ♪

[Ethel] ♪ Everything about it is appealing ♪

♪ Everything the traffic will allow ♪

♪ Nowhere can you get that happy feeling ♪

♪ When you are stealing that extra bow ♪

♪ There's no people like show people ♪

♪ Like no... ♪

Oh.

How did you get back so quickly, dear?

Mrs. Benson gave me some ice cream from her freezer.

[Lucy] Oh.

I'm sorry, Bill.

That's all right, Ricky.

How did you find out who I was?

Oh, we know who's who in show business, Mr. Parker.

We know all about you prepping for your Pitt prem.

Looks like Variety double-crossed me.

- Are you mad, sir? - No.

Oh, well, that's good because we haven't finished yet.

Sit down now, Ricky, and you can see the-- you can see the last of our act.

I've seen the last of your act.

Oh, now, honey. That isn't fair!

Well, I suppose that you call it fair to send me out on a wild-duck chase

for some ice cream that you don't need just so you can audition behind my back.

Is that what you call fair?

- Goose. - What?

Wild-goose chase.

I don't care what kind of a chase you call it.

- Well... - You know what I'm talking about.

Look, kids, I got an idea. I'll make a deal with you.

If it's all right with Ricky, let me forget business for tonight, huh?

And tomorrow you can all come down and audition for me. How's that?

[Ethel] Oh, Ricky, did you hear what he said? Huh, Ricky, huh?

Okay. I guess it's Bill's business if he wants to waste his time on you.

- Oh, that's great! - Oh ...

Mr. Parker, what kind of a show are you doing?

Well, it's a college musical. It's called The Professor and the Coed.

Say, you folks, you would be wonderful for the alumni scene.

- Thank you. - Thank you, Mr. Parker.

Oh, well, what can I do?

- Can you dance? - Can I dance!

- Can you jitterbug? - Can I jitterbug!

- Can you put dinner on the table? - Can I put dinner on--

Oh, yeah.

- Lucy. - Yeah?

Have you still got that hat you wore

when you did the Charleston down at the club?

- Yeah. You want it? - Yeah.

We're gonna do "The Varsity Drag" for our number.

You know, wear those 1920 clothes.

Fred's digging stuff out of his costume trunk.

Oh, that sounds wonderful.

Gee, I hope my jitterbug number comes off all right.

Do you know how to jitterbug?

Well, I will as soon as my teacher gets here.

You can't learn jitterbugging from a teacher.

It's something you pick up in school, like measles.

Well, all I know is Ricky's agent said

he was sending somebody down here that could teach me how to jitterbug.

That's all I know. I think that thing is in here.

- Yeah, here it is. - Yeah?

Ain't I the cat's pajamas?

- Ah, you're the snake's hips. -

Let me see how I look in it.

Be my guest.

That's a real razzmatazz, isn't it?

Oh, I feel just like a flapper again.

Well, call me a taxi!

- - Oh, that must be my teacher.

- Will you open the door for him? - Yeah.

I'm looking for Mrs. Ricardo.

Oh, I'm Mrs. Ricardo.

Crazy, baby!

- Pardon? - I'm Arthur "King Cat" Walsh.

Oh, how do you do? This is my friend, Mrs. Mertz.

- This is "King Cat" Walsh. - How do you do?

Man, what's the chick got on her head?

Oh, that's a hat like flappers used to wear.

Man, that's cool!

Well, thanks. I think.

Do you think you could teach me how to jitterbug?

Hang on, baby. Here we go!

Up!

Whoa!

Man, this is crazy!

Dig the crazy dancing bear!

- What? - Uh, Fred,

this is "King Cat" Walsh, my dancing instructor.

This is Fred Mertz, King Cat.

[Fred] How are ya?

Man, that's the coolest!

Coolest?

Man, it's the hottest!

You got some strange cats around here.

- Yeah. - [Fred] Come on, Ethel.

Let's us cats creep on out of here.

You don't think you're gonna wear that big, heavy old coat

doing "The Varsity Drag," do you?

That coat's a gasser!

Uh, yeah, well, uh,

I have a record here.

I hope it's all right.

Uh, let's see now.

Is that all right?

Frantic, man, frantic! Let's drag it, baby!

Just follow me.

Whoa!

[Ricky] Hey!

[Ricky] Hey!

Hey!

[Ricky] Hey!

Oh, you were just wonderful!

My golly, Lucy!

Pretty good, pretty good.

"Pretty good"? Say, Dad, this cat's real nervous!

Oh, man, you're the craziest!

And you're a gasser!

[Lucy] You're the mostest!

Hmm! And people say I'm hard to understand.

Mr. Parker, can we be in your show? Can we, can we?

- And what about us? - Yeah, can you use our act?

- Give us the message, man. - Yeah.

Well, I don't know.

Ricky, is there any way I can arrange to see them work in front of an audience?

Nope.

Oh, Ricky, why can't we work right here tonight?

- No, sir. - Fess up, daddy-o.

Give us the real reason.

- Yeah. Come on. - Come on, Rick, what's the harm?

- [Lucy] Come on. - You heard what the man said.

He said we could dance up a storm. He thinks we're real wiggy, man.

- Yeah. - Now, look. Wait a minute.

First place, I'm not running an amateur night in here.

And in the second place, you're starting to give me a headache again.

- [Ethel] Oh, Rick, come on now. - Ricky, just...

- Didn't you go to see the eye doctor? - No.

Ricky, you're gonna go right this minute. Come on.

Now wait a minute. What about our act?

- Do we get to go on tonight? - Yeah, Ricky, what about it?

Put them on tonight. I'd like to get audience reaction.

All right, Bill. If that's what you want, we'll put them on.

[Ethel] Oh, that's fine!

Great. Oh, thank you.

Now open wide.

Wider.

Wider.

Oh, Grandma, what big eyes you have.

Lucy, you're making me nervous. Now, sit down.

Oh, all right.

Now look up.

Now look down.

Uh-huh.

Now follow my finger, please.

All right, watch it carefully.

Uh-huh.

Well, how is it, Doc?

Oh, I haven't completed my examination yet.

- Oh. - Would you please turn and face the wall?

Yes, sir.

- Now, do you see that chart? -

- What's so funny? - Oh, I'm sorry.

I was thinking about a television show I saw the other night,

and the eye doctor said to the patient, "Do you see that chart?"

And the patient said, "What chart?"

And the eye doctor said, "The chart on the wall."

And the patient said, "What wall?"

How are his eyes, Doctor?

Could you read the first line, please?

[Ricky] "E."

That's right.

Oh.

Next line, please.

"F, P."

Could you read the fourth line, please?

"L, P, E, D."

Oh, Ricky. You see, it is your eyes, darling.

That's a "B," not an "E."

- Looks like an "E" to me. - Tsk.

Read the next line, please.

"P, E, C, F, D."

"P, E, C, F, D"?

Oh, my poor baby.

What's the matter?

That isn't "P, E, C, F, D."

That's "F, E, O, P, B."

That's "P, E, C, F, D."

Oh, well, this is just the stubbornest man in the world, Doctor.

Go ahead. Tell him how bad his eyes really are.

Mr. Ricardo, your eyes are perfectly normal.

You see, darling, you wouldn't believe me...

What?

I said your husband's vision was perfectly normal.

How can you say that? What about that line?

He said it was "P, E, C, F, D."

Anybody can see that it's "P, E, C, F"...

Ew.

"... D."

- That'll be all for you, Mr. Ricardo. - Thank you, sir.

Come here, Mrs. Ricardo.

Me?

Come here.

No.

Come on.

No, I don't wanna.

Come on, Lucy.

Do what the doctor says. Come here.

What's the matter? Can't you see the chair?

Yes, I can see the chair.

What are you going to do?

I just want to have a look at your eyes.

You don't have to worry about your eyes, Mr. Ricardo.

Just stop working so hard and those headaches will disappear.

Oh, thank you, Doctor.

Honey, I got to go down to the club, so I'll see you later.

- All right, bye. - Goodbye. Goodbye, Doctor.

- Goodbye. - What did you put in my eyes?

Just some drops to relax them.

They'll take effect in about 20 minute...

Oh, my goodness.

What's the matter? What?

I've never known those drops to work so quickly before.

Your eyes must be very sensitive to them.

- Really? - Oh, yes.

Your vision will be quite blurred for several hours.

Oh, no, no! It can't be! I have to dance tonight.

You got to take the drops out.

- Get them out! - You can't squeeze them out, Mrs. Ricardo.

But you have nothing to worry about.

Here, here, look at me. Look at me.

Now, your vision won't be any more blurred than I look right now.

Oh, no!

Hi, Lucy, what did the doctor say?

Oh, Ethel, gee. Guess what happened.

- Hey! What's the matter with you? - You'll never know what...

What? Ethel, what happened? Where are you?

I'm over here, Miss Magoo.

Oh. Oh, Ethel, guess what happened.

What's the matter?

Ricky's eyes were all right,

but the doctor said he wanted to examine mine,

and the first thing I knew, he put drops in them.

- You mean he dilated them? - Yeah.

And I-I'm just hoping that I'll be able to dance tonight.

Oh, you'd better cancel it.

Oh, but Ethel, I can't, I can't!

There's nothing else to do.

But-but-but I've worked so hard on my number.

I've just got to do it.

No, you'd better cancel it.

Ethel, I can't. I just can't.

Listen.

Oh, Ethel.

I don't know how you're gonna dance if you can't see.

I'm going in to change my clothes, and you take me down there in a taxi.

Here, here, here. This way.

Thank you.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you and good evening. Welcome to the Tropicana.

We have a wonderful surprise for you tonight.

A very good friend of mine is, uh, preparing a Broadway show,

and he's here tonight.

First of all, I'd like you to meet him-- Mr. Bill Parker. Bill, take a bow there.

Thank you, Bill.

Well, Bill asked me to let a couple of acts

that he's going to, uh, perhaps use in the show,

he wants them to try out here tonight.

So, first of all, we're going to bring to you

two people that are going to be part of the alumni,

and they're playing the part of the alumni that comes back from the "homcomming"--

"homcoming"--

Well, that's as close as I can get to that one.

Anyway, here they are--

Fred and Ethel Mertz.

♪ Here is the drag, see how it goes ♪

♪ Down on your heels, up on your toes ♪

♪ That's the way They do the varsity drag ♪

♪ Bo-de-oh-de-oh-do ♪

♪ Hotter than hot, newer than new ♪

♪ Meaner than mean, bluer than blue ♪

♪ Gets you more applause Than waving the flag ♪

♪ Poop-poop-pee-doo ♪

♪ You can pass many a class ♪

♪ Whether you're dumb or wise ♪

♪ Oh! ♪

♪ If you're called, answer the call ♪

♪ When your professor cries ♪

♪ Everybody, down on your heels Up on your toes ♪

♪ Stay after school, see how it goes ♪

♪ Everybody do the varsity ♪

♪ Everybody do the varsity drag ♪

♪ Poop-poop-pee-doo! ♪

How about that?

Fred and Ethel Mertz! Very good.

Well, that was very good, eh, Bill?

And now for the next act trying out for Mr. Parker's show,

we'd like to present to you Lucille McGillicuddy...

and her partner, "King Cat" Walsh,

or, as they're better known, "The Jitterbugs."

Here we go!