Original subtitles

Isn't it awful when something like that happens right out on the stage

and there's nothing you can do about it?

[Ricky] I know.

- Is anybody hungry? - [Ethel] Hey, Fred.

Do you remember what happened to that quick- change artist?

You know, the one who used to change her clothes in the dark

right out on the stage?

Do I? Boy, was she ever mad at that electrician.

What happened?

Well, she called for her tights and he thought she said "lights."

Uh... it's very amusing.

Oh, I'm sorry, Lucy.

Oh, we shouldn't talk about our old times in show business in front of Lucy.

It makes her feel left out.

- Oh, no, it doesn't. - Yeah.

If you haven't been in show business yourself,

it must all seem kind of dull.

I've been in show business.

Well, Ethel means real show business not trying to get in Ricky's act.

I've been in show business!

Honey, Ethel means show business,

not playing a petunia in a grammar school recital.

You think you know all there is to know about me, don't you?

Remind me sometime to tell you about my experience in musical comedy.

Come on, Ethel, let's get some coffee.

Hey, just a minute.

You were in musical comedy?

It was before I met you, dear. Come on, Ethel.

Now, wait, wait a minute. This is very interesting.

What was the name of the musical comedy?

Oh, leave her alone, Ricky. She's just exaggerating as usual.

I am not.

Well, what was the name of the musical comedy?

Oklahoma.

- Oklahoma? - Oklahoma?

Oklahoma, and I was the star too.

Yeah? What was your maiden name, Alfred Drake?

Well, maybe I wasn't exactly the star,

but would you believe I was a featured player?

Chorus girl?

Ticket taker?

Lucy, why don't you tell the truth?

You know that you were never in Oklahoma.

I was, too. I spent two weeks in Tulsa once.

Why do you do it?

You always fib and you always get caught.

I do not fib. I never told a fib in my life.

Oh, there she goes again.

Well, it isn't fibbing.

I just like to... color things a little.

Well, why didn't you say so? I'll buy you some watercolors.

Oh, you're all very funny.

- - Very funny.

Oh, thank you.

Flowers.

Oh, Ricky, you shouldn't have.

I din't.

You "din't"?

- Oh, no, these are for you. - For me?

Who's sending you flowers?

"Get well quick. Love, Jim and Dorothy."

I feel fine.

Oh, I know.

I didn't want to go to dinner with Jim and Dorothy Wynn tonight,

so I told them that you sprained your ankle.

There's another one.

Oh, now, what's the matter with that?

That's just a little social fib.

Honey, you knew that we were going to have dinner with the Mertzes.

Why didn't you just tell them the truth?

You can't tell people the truth.

They think you're lying.

You have to lie to make them think you're telling the truth.

But it's not funny. You got to cut it out.

Now, now, Ricky, don't be too tough on Lucy.

Thanks, Fred.

She can't help it if she's a liar.

Well!

Oh, Fred didn't mean it like that.

He just means the colorful way you push the truth around

is part of your character.

Yeah. Molly McGee should have such a fibber.

Oh, I think you're all just horrid.

I could tell the absolute truth like everybody else

if I wanted to be dull, present company not excepted.

[Ricky] Honey, you couldn't tell the absolute truth

if your whole life depended on it.

Would you like to risk a little money on that proposition?

I most certainly would.

I'll tell you what.

I'll bet you that you can't tell the truth for, uh ...

For how long, one week?

I'll make easy on you-- one day, 24 hours.

Okay.

- How much you want to bet? - Make it easy on yourself.

Any part of $100.

I'll take it all.

- Can I have a piece of that? - I'd like a little of that, too.

My friends.

Oh, it hasn't anything to do with friendship.

It's just that there are so few sure ways of making a buck these days.

I'll tell you what, I'll take 50 and I'll give you each 25.

- Thank you. - Fine.

Uh... when do you want to start?

It's one minute to 8:00. I'll start on the hour.

- Okay, you got yourself a bet. - Okay.

Did I ever tell you the time that Cary Grant

asked me marry him?

It hasn't started yet.

I just thought I'd have one last fib for the road.

Okay, it's started. For the next 24 hours.

- Okay. - All right.

I can hardly wait to hear you tomorrow afternoon, Lucy.

Why?

We're playing bridge at Caroline's, remember?

Oh, no, no, no.

I can't spend the afternoon with three women

and have to tell the truth.

I'll call Caroline and tell her I'm sick.

Eww...

You'll go?

I'll go.

- Hi. - Hi.

- How are you? - Oh, look!

- Oh, Caroline, you've redecorated. - Yep.

Changed the whole mood of the room.

My, I'll say.

We threw out everything we had that was early American

and started fresh with Chinese modern.

Here, let me take your coats. I'll put them in the bedroom.

For heaven's sake.

Gee, isn't this something, huh?

- Thank you. - There.

Look at this.

This is really something, isn't it?

And I thought it was awful before.

It looks like... I don't know what.

I do. It looks like a bad dream

you'd have after eating too much Chinese food.

Ooh.

Well, how do you like my new furniture?

Oh, we were just talking about it.

Weren't we, Lucy?

- What do you think? Do you like it? - Oh, I think it's just lovely.

What do you think, Lucy?

- Uh... - Oh, don't be bashful.

Just tell her what you said to me.

Oh, she doesn't want my little old opinion.

Oh, but I do, Lucy.

Come on, now. Tell me exactly what you told Ethel about my furniture.

Well, uh... I said it looked like a dream.

Didn't I, Ethel? Isn't that what I said?

Yes.

Oh, well, thank you.

Oh, that's all right.

- What kind of a dream, Lucy? - Well, let's play bridge.

Lucy, we have to wait for Marian.

- Marian who? - Marian Strong.

When you're having four for bridge, it's always polite to wait

until the fourth person arrives before you start playing.

- It's the only decent thing to do. - Oh.

Now, let's see. What were we talking about?

Oh, yes... Caroline's furniture.

Uh, what kind of a dream, Lucy?

Caroline, I told Ethel that your furniture

looked like a bad dream you'd have after eating too much Chinese food.

Well!

Is that what you really think?

Yes.

Well, Lucy, I hope it gives you a lot of pleasure to insult me.

No, it doesn't. I don't like it any better than you do.

Well, nobody's twisting your arm.

Oh, no?

Before you get too mad, Caroline, I think you ought to know something.

Last night, Ricky and Fred and I bet Lucy $100

that she couldn't tell the absolute truth for 24 hours.

Oh.

So you see, it wasn't my fault. I was tricked into it by old sneaky here.

Well, that explains it, but it doesn't make me feel any better.

- - Oh, Marian.

- Hi, Marian. - Hi, Caroline.

- How are you? - Hi, Ethel. How are you?

Oh, Marian! That's a new hat.

[Marian] Yes.

- Do you like it? - Oh, I think it's lovely.

- It's beautiful. - Oh, thank you.

Hi, Lucy.

Hi, Marian.

Uh, Lucy, Marian has on a new hat.

Yeah, Marian. Take it off. Let's play bridge.

Lucy, what do you think of Marian's new hat?

Oh, that's a hat, all right.

Yeah, but what do you think about it?

Well, Marian, if that's the kind of hat you wanted,

you sure got a good one.

No, seriously, Lucy.

Well, Marian, nothing personal,

but I think that's the silliest-looking hat I've ever seen.

Oh, now, come on, Lucy.

Tell me what you think of it?

I am serious.

It's horrible.

I think there's something you ought to know.

Last night, we bet Lucy $100

that she couldn't tell the truth for 24 hours.

Oh, no.

Then that's what she really thinks of my hat.

Come on, let's play bridge.

That is if anyone still wants to play with me.

Uh... Marian, bring your things over here.

Well, come on.

Okay.

Lucy, how old are you?

How much do you weigh?

What color would your hair be if you didn't dye it?

Thirty-three, 129 and mousy brown.

Anything else you'd like to ask me?

What?

Go ahead, ask me anything you like-- I like it.

It feels wonderful to tell the truth.

Now, she's trying to use psychology on us.

No, I mean it. I feel very relieved. It is wonderful to tell the truth.

You should try it sometime. We'd all be much better friends.

Somehow, I doubt that.

Well, you do as you please. I feel great.

Come on, let's play bridge.

I'm your partner this week, aren't I, Caroline?

Oh, I guess I play with you.

And, Caroline, let someone else keep score this week. You cheat.

Yes, cheat.

The last three times we've played, you added up the score

in your favor.

I would have said something about it if I hadn't been your partner.

Well, I never!

And you stop jabbering and keep your mind on the game.

You talk so much you don't know what cards have been played.

Well!

Oh, I'm sorry, Ethel, but it's so true.

Marian, stop cackling.

I've been waiting ten years for you to lay that egg.

For heaven's sake, Caroline,

when are you going to get a new deck of cards?

We've been playing with this same dirty old deck since I've known you.

Hey, how about that fella?

Listen, Ricky, show your Uncle Fred

how I taught you how to wave bye-bye this morning.

- Show him. - Bye-bye.

- Bye-bye. - Bye-bye, Ricky.

- Bye-bye. - Bye-bye.

Looks more like he's teaching us how to wave bye-bye.

Well, he did it this morning.

Now, look here, old man.

You're going to have to learn how to perform on cue

if you're going to be my son.

Hi.

Oh, here's your mommy.

Oh, that's your mommy.

- Was he a good boy? - He was an angel.

- Where's Ethel? - She'll be right up. Did you feed him?

Yeah, I followed your instructions to the letter.

Looks like you fed a whole nursery full of babies.

Well, he was hungry.

Come on, honey, we go beddy-bye.

- Bye, old man. - Bye.

- Bye. - Bye-bye.

They never do what you want them to do when you want them to do it.

I know it. I can't help it.

- Hi. - Hi.

- How was the bridge game? - Oh, yeah, how did we do?

- Is the bet all over? - Not at all.

- What? - Not at all?

She never told one lie all afternoon.

I don't believe it.

What did she do, tape her mouth shut?

I wish she had.

She not only told the truth, but she got brutally frank

and told us all exactly what she thought of us.

Oh, boy, I wish I'd have been there.

Oh, that must have been good.

When you two hyenas get through laughing,

you can go dig up a hundred bucks between you.

Oh, don't be silly. She won't be able to keep it up.

Not Lucy.

What's so funny?

Ethel was telling us what happened when you told the girls

the truth this afternoon.

Oh, yeah, they all got a little miffed, but I don't care.

I feel wonderful telling the truth.

Well, I don't feel so wonderful

finding out you hate to play bridge with me.

Well, I wouldn't if you'd stop gabbing once in a while.

Oh, you shut up, Fred. You're no rose.

- [Lucy] I'll say he's not. - Yeah.

Why don't you buy Ethel a new dress once in a while?

Yeah, you tell him, Lucy.

If you weren't such a tightwad,

she wouldn't have to go around looking so tacky.

- Tightwad? - Tacky?

Come on, let's get out of here. We don't have to be insulted.

Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, Fred and Ethel.

I don't blame you for being a little huffy

but after all, we were the ones who forced Lucy to tell the truth.

Well, that's right.

And besides, a few truthful criticisms would do us all a lot of good.

Oh, that's easy for you to say.

She hasn't said anything about you yet.

Yeah.

Okay.

Go ahead, Lucy, tell me my faults.

Tell me what you really think of me.

I think you are the most handsome, the most wonderful,

the cleverest and the most talented man in the whole world.

The truth didn't hurt me.

Oh, brother.

Can you think of any other faults of mine?

Yes, you're hammy, you're stubborn and you're a coward.

A coward?

How do you like it now?

- She's really telling him, eh, Tightwad? - You said it, Tacky.

Now, let's wait a minute.

What is this business about being a coward?

I'm not afraid of anything.

Yeah, he proves it every time he steps on the stage.

Never mind the wisecracks.

What is this coward routine?

You are afraid that if I got half a chance at a career

that I would be the star of the family.

Oh, I see. You would, eh?

I have more talent in my little finger

than most people have in their whole body.

Uh-huh... well, I'll tell you what:

I'm going to an audition tonight.

They're casting for one of the biggest shows in television.

Why don't you come along?

Okay, what'll I do?

Well, why don't you let them audition your little finger?

What does it do-- sing, dance?

Never mind. I'll show you. Ethel, will you take care of Little Ricky?

Thank you. I'll go get ready.

What's the matter with you, Ricky?

Yeah, you can't run out to an audition.

If she doesn't tell a lie by 8:00, we're out a hundred bucks.

I know, I know.

I just found a way how to-- a way to win the bet

and keep her quiet about show business at the same time.

You lost me.

Well, look, I know the way that they conduct those auditions,

and she won't get to first base

unless she can prove to them

that she's got some experience.

- I don't get it. - I do.

If she lies about her experience to get a job, we win the bet,

and if she doesn't lie about her experience,

- she won't get the audition. - Right.

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. Just give this to me slowly.

- Now, look, if she doesn't win... - I can't understand where we come into...

Now, let me see. Who's next?

Mercedes Minch.

You've got a nice list of credits here.

"Sings like a chicken."

Sings like a chicken?

Well, this won't be the first "fowl" singer I've heard today.

Well, go right ahead, please.

Well, thank you very much.

Don't call us. We'll call you when we need you.

Now, let me see...

What are you doing here? Who's with Little Ricky?

We got Mrs. Trumbull to sit with him. We couldn't miss this.

Lucille McGillicuddy.

"Singer, dancer, comedienne,

monologist, mistress of ceremonies,

after-dinner speaker,

saxophonist, star, bit player or extra."

That's quite some accomplishments.

Thank you... I'm just going to sing and dance today.

Oh, just a moment, please.

There's nothing down here under experience.

Oh?

Where have you appeared before?

How's that?

I say, where have you appeared before?

Oh, uh. ... well, I ... let's see, I just finished at, um...

Well, well, there's been so many places, it's hard to single one out.

Well, try.

Oh.

Uh...

I just finished a long run at Ricardo's.

- Ricardo's? - Yes, sir.

I don't believe I've ever heard of that place.

What sort of an establishment is it?

Oh, well, it's a three-ringed circus.

Yes, it's quite a place. You should drop by some night.

How long was your engagement there?

11 years.

Yes, well, I'm ready. I have my--

Oh, just a minute, please. Where else have you appeared?

Well ...

I was in 3D.

You say you've appeared in Third Dimension.

No, sir, I did not.

I said I was in 3D.

Well, what's 3D if it isn't Third Dimension?

It's the number on our apartment.

Well, I'm very sorry, Miss McGillicuddy,

but we're only interested in professionals here.

Now, it's almost 8:00. We have to move on.

We only have time for one more.

Now, let me see.

Professor Falconi.

Something about a woman, you're trying to say?

- Anybody here speak Italian? - No.

Huh?

Well, I'm afraid that's all for this session then.

Wait a minute. I speak Italian.

Well, I do speak Italian.

- -

Ricky, Ricky, get me out of here!

I don't know how to speak Italian!

- I'll pay the bet. I'll pay the bet. - Oh, honey.

I'll pay the bet.

I'm sorry I came in. I'm sorry.

Oh, honey... Don't worry, honey.

I'll pay the bet.

Oh, honey, you're wonderful.

No, you're not.

You let me stand up there and let him throw knives at me.

What's the matter with you, are you crazy or something?

Don't you love me anymore? What are you trying to do, get rid of me?

Honey, he wasn't throwing knives at you.

What do you mean he wasn't throwing knives at me?

No, no, look, look, honey, I'll show you, look.

The knives come from the back. Let one go.

You see? You see, honey?

They come from the back.

Oh.

Oh, I ...