Original subtitles

Oh, you characters.

So anyhow, we went down to Miami,

and asked the real estate man to show us our lot.

He pointed out in the bay, and he said,

"You see that row boat? It's anchored on your lot."

We thought we were gonna be millionaires.

- Ah, here's Lucy. - Well, it's about time.

- Let's go. - Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not ready yet.

Well, honey, Mrs. Trumbull is with Little Ricky.

- Let's go. - Honey, it'll only be a minute.

My nails aren't dry.

But I'm hungry.

Come on now, sit down. Tell another story, Fred.

Oh, well, all right.

Rick, did I ever tell you what happened to Ethel and me on our honeymoon?

Not lately.

Oh! Did I tell you, Lucy?

Yes.

I was there.

Oh, I forgot.

Hey, you know, speaking of funny things that happen to people,

Lucy, you remember the musicians' picnic last Fourth of July?

Oh, what a day that was.

- What happened? - Oh, well...

- I'll tell it, dear. - Oh, okay.

The, uh-- The musicians' local was having a picnic, see, and--

It was for charity. You know, you paid so much money,

and half of it went for charity and half of it went for the picnic.

That's right.

And all the boys in the band wanted to go.

So, Marco and Alberto, and Pepin, and Joe, and Ralph,

everybody was going down there.

- So, we left about 10:00. - It was 12:00.

No, dear, it was 10:00.

- No, honey, it was 12:00. - Well, what's the difference?

Two hours.

I mean to the story. It doesn't make any difference.

Yes, it does, dear. That's the reason we were late.

That's why-- Well, it's your story, go ahead.

Thank you.

- Well, we got to the picnic grounds-- - Don't forget about the cars.

What was that?

I said, "Don't forget about the cars", dear.

Oh, the cars. Yeah, that's right.

We took three cars.

Lucy and I were in the first car, Pepin was in the second car,

and Marco was in the last car.

Oh, honey, you're ruining everything.

- Would you like to tell the story? - No, dear.

You're the storyteller in the family, but I just want you to get it right.

Now, Pepin was in the first car,

Marco was in the second and we were in the last.

Maybe Pepin was in the first car, and you were in the second.

- And Marco was in the third. - Fred.

Well, it was the only combination left.

Okay, I take it all back.

We all took the same bus.

Coward.

Anyway... we got to the picnic grounds about 2:00.

Don't look at me. I'm not gonna say anything more.

- Good. - I'm not gonna tell you what you left out.

Anyway, we got to the picnic grounds about...

um... what did I leave out?

Nothing, go on with the story.

Well, it feels like there's something missing there someplace.

- You sure? - Positive.

All right, well, we spread the food out, and it started to rain.

Oh, it poured.

So we took everything and we ran to the cars,

and then when we got there...

Yeah, yeah, what happened?

What's the matter, Ricky?

What did I leave out?

Nothing, I was just kidding you. Now go on.

Well, I'm telling you,

it feels like there's something missing there someplace.

Oh, what's the difference? Go on and finish it.

Well ...

Oh, the heck with it. It's not funny anymore.

Come on, let's go and have dinner.

Well, all right. My nails are dry now. Let's go to that place on 45th Street.

Oh, I hear they have wonderful steaks.

Well, I don't particularly feel like a steak--

Steak sounds wonderful. We'll go there.

Now, wait just a minute, Lucy.

What's the matter?

Well, I just had about enough of this.

First, you keep everybody waiting while you're fixing your nails.

Then-then you keep interrupting me while I'm telling the story,

and now you decide, all by yourself, where we're going to eat dinner

because you want a steak.

Well, Ricky, I ...

Well, I don't feel like eating steak tonight.

I wanna eat spaghetti tonight.

- Well, maybe-- - So we're going to eat spaghetti.

Yes, sir.

And the next time that I tell a story, you stay out of it.

Yes, sir.

And be on time from now on, or we're gonna go without you.

Yes, sir.

We're going to run this house like we do in Cuba,

where the man is the master and the woman does what she's told.

Si, señor.

And don't get smart.

Now go get your coat.

Oh, yeah?

Attagirl, Lucy. I was wondering what happened to you.

It just sunk in.

I don't know how you treat your women in Cuba,

but this is the United States, and I have my rights.

I am not arguing about women's rights.

I am the first one to agree

that women should have all the rights they want

as long as they stay in their place.

- That's telling her. - Oh, you're just as bad as he is, Fred.

You men tell us that we have equal rights,

but you certainly don't give us a chance to act like it.

What do you want?

You've got the vote, you wear pants,

you can drive buses, you wrestle.

You go every place you please except the steam room in the Y.M.C.A.

That isn't true.

Equal rights means just what it says. Equal rights.

Well, that's a good explanation.

Oh, you know what she means.

Yes, and we want to be treated that way. From now on, everything is equal.

We want to be treated exactly as if we were men.

Well, this calls for a little conference.

Pardon me, mister.

Okay.

From now on, you have equal rights.

We will treat you exactly as if you were men.

- Is it a deal? - It's a deal.

- What about you, Mac? - It's a deal.

Let's get our coats, Lucy.

Listen, what did you say about this plumber that you--

I phoned him this morning. He's coming out this afternoon.

Ricky, that's my coat.

I know that's your coat, honey. This is my coat over here.

- [Ricky and Fred chatter] - Oh, come on, let's put them on ourselves.

Say, I was gonna say, when you came in the room...

- You like it? - ...that suit is just beautiful.

- Oh, I'm crazy about it. - Thank you.

One of the prettiest ones I ever saw-- Oh!

Pardon me, mister, my fault.

You know, this fella looks familiar to me.

Reminds me of my father.

This way, please.

Thank you.

The least you could do is pull out my chair for me.

Never mind, Ethel. They're just being smart.

Ignore them.

Honey, what are you talking about? We're just treating you as equals.

- Yeah, isn't that what you wanted? - Oh.

- May I take your order? - Yes, I think--

I'd like some meatballs, spaghetti, and some pizza.

Now, what would you like?

Bring me some meatballs, and spaghetti, and pizza.

- And a little green salad. - Green salad. Yes, sir.

Now what would you like?

And some coffee with my meal, please?

Me, too.

Now what will you have?

Are you sure you're quite through?

Yes, dear, go ahead and order. Don't keep the man waiting.

Uh, I would like...

Oh, dear. Now I forgot what I wanted, you took so long ordering.

Oh, yes, I'd like a steak, medium rare, and spaghetti on the side.

- Certainly, and you? - I'll take the same, well done.

Well done. Thank you.

Oh, I dropped my purse, dear. Can you see it there?

Yep.

It's right there by my foot.

Uh, would you excuse us a minute? We'll be right back.

- Where are you going? - Oh, we're just going to the drugstore.

We'll be back before the food gets here.

Fred ...

Oh, boy, that was a great meal.

Wasn't that wonderful? We ought to come back here more often.

Yes, sir.

Cigarette?

Thank you.

- Light? - Thank you.

At least two of us are gentlemen.

How do I look?

Uh, we could both stand a repair job.

Oh, you look all right.

Um, how do I look, Fred?

Pretty bad. I guess we could stand a repair job, too.

Always kidding.

- Ricky, Ricky! - Oh, now, Fred!

Fred! This is a terrible thing...

- Oh, for heaven's sake. - Oh, fellas, we get your message.

[Ethel] All right, okay.

[Lucy] Oh, now, Ricky, really.

All right. Equal rights, dear. Equal rights, equal rights.

We get your point, we get your point.

You win. Oh, really, boys.

Oh, no.

- Well, I've seen everything now. - [Ricky laughs]

All right, let's get the check and get out of here.

Okay.

Uh, Xavier?

- Yes, sir? - Something more for you?

More coffee, dessert... after-shave lotion?

Just the check, please.

He has a sense of humor.

Uh, pardon me a minute.

[Lucy] Honestly, it's getting so you can expect anything

from these two goofs we're married to.

[Ethel] That's the first time Fred's shaved in a week.

[Fred] You should've seen the look on your faces.

Oh, that was a good meal.

- Uh-huh. - It really was.

You two.

- Thank you, sir. - Characters.

- What's this? - Separate checks.

What do you mean, separate checks?

Equal rights, dear.

Fred, aren't you gonna pay for my dinner?

And take away your independence? Never.

All right, Ethel, we can go along with the gag.

I'll say. If you wanna play it that way, okay...

- Say, Lucy, have you got any... - I don't have any...

What'd you say?

Do you have any money?

I haven't got a cent. I was going to put the bite on you.

You took the bite right out of my mouth.

This is a little embarrassing, Rick.

I didn't know we came to dinner with a couple of deadbeats.

- Well, you never can tell, Fred. - Looks like.

See you along, see you around, gir-- Fellas.

Oh, now, wait a minute. Come here now, Ricky.

- Oh, Fred, now wait a minute. - That's carrying it a little too far.

Ricky, Ricky, come here. Pardon me.

What are you trying to do, skip out without paying?

Well, our husbands were playing a little joke on us.

They said we were going to have to pay for our dinner.

Yes!

But we don't have any money with us.

Isn't that funny?

Well, we'll go home and come right back with the money.

We'll bring it right back to you.

Well, what do you want us to do?

You know what this is?

- It's a dish. - Right.

And we have lots more in the kitchen.

People have been eating off them. They get so dirty.

Just a minute! We're not washing any dishes.

We're not washing any dishes, are we?

Uh-huh. Well, now, look, Xavier, don't tell them that I called.

See, but as soon as they finish washing the dishes,

you call me and we'll come down and pick them up.

Okay, all right.

Everybody's gone

and they're still working their heads off down there.

Oh, girls.

If you don't mind, will you let me know when you're finished?

I'll be in my office.

I'm waiting to lock up!

- [Ethel scoffs] - He's waiting to lock up.

- Oh, we don't mind. - When we finish.

Finish, waiting to lock up.

I hope he never locks up.

No!

Those are clean.

[Lucy sighs] I never worked so hard in my life.

Neither did I. I wonder where all these came from.

I don't know. I think he takes in dirty dishes from other restaurants.

Honestly, every time I think of those boobs we're married to,

- I just get furious. - So do I.

They make me so mad.

Maybe this'll teach you to keep your big mouth shut.

Me? What do you mean?

Well it was your idea about this equal rights business.

Just a minute.

You thought it was a good idea then.

Well, it stinks now.

Well, it's nice to know that you're the kind of a person

who turns on a friend in a crisis.

Oh, listen, Lucy, I've been going through this type of thing with you for 11 years.

This is my last crisis. I'm through!

Oh, don't cry. I didn't mean anything I said.

I'm so upset!

I know, so am I.

Lucy, you mustn't cry anymore.

You're right, I'm making the dishwater cold.

Oh, well ...

the main thing is to get these dishes done so we can get home.

Yeah!

Wait a minute. We don't have any money to get home on.

Oh, yeah.

How do you like those husbands of ours?

We'll have to walk,

all that way through those dark streets alone.

Yeah, and I wouldn't be surprised

if a thug jumped out from behind a dark building

and pounced on us and said, "Your money or your life."

And you know where that'll leave us.

Oh, no.

Yeah, and maybe he'll conk us on the head

and he'll leave us broken and bleeding in an alley.

And then Ricky and Fred'll be sorry.

They'll be sorry?

Hey, I know how we can get even with them.

How?

Well, I'll call Ricky

and I'll tell him that the restaurant's being held up,

and you yell, "Help!"

And make noises like struggling in the background.

Lucy, how do you think up all these wonderful things?

Promise me when you die, you'll leave your brain to science.

Okay.

Coast is clear.

Hello?

Hello, Ricky. This is Lucy.

It's Lucy. Where are you, honey?

Oh, we're still at the restaurant. They made us do the dishes.

No.

Yeah, but we're almost finished,

and we were wondering if you could come and ...

Oh. Oh, now-now you stay away from me.

You stay away from me with that gun.

- No, no! Get back! -

What's the matter, honey? What's the matter!

Two masked men just came in with guns.

What? What's going on?

[Fred] What's the matter?

This is a stickup. Don't move or I'll shoot.

Honey, what's the matter?

Help! Murder! Police!

Don't shoot! Don't come near me with that gun, and don't hit Ethel.

Don't you dare hit Ethel.

Don't you dare hit Ethel!

Help! Murder!

- Don't shoot! Don't shoot! - Don't shoot!

- - Don't shoot. Save us.

Somebody save us! Oh, come and save us.

Help! Help!

Honey, what's the matter? Honey, what's going on!

Please, what's the matter?

Lucy, please.

Two-two-two-two bandits down there with guns.

- They're holding up the restaurant. - I'll call the police.

No, let me call the police. Wait a minute.

Information. Information, give me the police.

The police! Police! P-O-L-S-I-C. Police.

- Give me the phone. - I'll talk to the police.

Policía, le habla Señor Ricky Ricardo.

Mi señora está en un restaurante allá...

Give me the phone!

What are you doing, calling the Cuban police?

- Hurry up! - Hello! They're holding up a restaurant

at 39th near Eighth.

Never mind who this is. Just meet us there.

- Meet us there, that's right. - Come on, let's go.

The cops aren't here yet.

We'll have to do it ourselves.

Grab a chair.

How do you like that?

What a dirty trick to scare us half out of our wits like that.

Oh, boy, they got even with us, all right.

- Yeah. - And they'll never know it.

I'll say they won't. Come on, now let's get out of here.

- Now what? - No, wait a minute.

This story about the bandits is too good to pass it up.

- Yeah? - You got a handkerchief?

Yeah.

Oh.

Well, that's it.

Just got to move those over there, and we're finished.

Oh, boy.

Here we go. What a night.

- -

Ethel, what's the matter with you?

Are you crazy or something?

What's the matter with you?

- -

Ricky Ricardo.

Fred Mertz.

Two bandits are holding us up.

Look at these brave women. All right, you guys. Let's go.

Now, wait a minute, fellas! What's the matter with you guys?

Are you crazy or something?

This is all a joke.

- A joke? - Sure, it's a joke.

These are our wives here.

That's right. Our sweet, loving, little wives.

Sure.

Well, you see, they acted...

Look, they wanted equal rights, so we said fine, we give you equal rights.

From now on, we treat you just like you were men.

So we came down here to this restaurant,

we said give us separate checks to the head waiter.

You know, I tell him the whole story.

So the head waiters come and gives us separate checks.

They don't have any money to pay. I was in cahoots with the guy.

So he tells them, all right, you have to wash the dishes.

To teach them a story, we let them go here and wash the dishes.

Now they called the house, and just to scare us

they tell us there is a couple of bandits down here with guns

and they're holding us up.

So he and I, we come down here like a couple of jerks to save them,

and we realize there's no bandits around in here.

So we said okay, we can't lose this chance.

We put the handkerchiefs, and the hats, and the stuff,

and we come in here with the gun, and it was, you know, just to scare them,

and that's all there was to it, for goodness sakes.

Isn't that right, honey?

We never saw them before in our lives.

All right, you guys. Stand up.

The girls you held up want to take another look at you

before they sign the complaint.

This way, ladies.

Mean looking, aren't they?

Yeah.

Lucy...

Fresh, too, calls me by my first name.

The young one isn't so bad looking.

He has a certain amount of animal charm.

I guess this old shriveled up one is his father.

They're no good, lady. Anybody can see that.

We'll all be better off if you could sign the complaint

and we can put them away.

Okay.

Oh, wait a minute.

Uh, you know, the more I look at him, the cuter he gets.

I wonder how he kisses.

Kisses?

Not bad.

Wonder how grandpa kisses.

Eh...

Close your mouth and open the door.

- Equal rights. -

- Equal rights. - Equal rights.

The maître d' was played by Lawrence Dobkin,

and the policemen were Fred Aldrich, Dick Reeves

and Louis Nicoletti.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.