Original subtitles

M U m , M um , M um ! - Shit!

Why can i t I do anything right? - Because you don ' t do anyth i ng right!

M I R l : Maybe iti s in the car and it fel I out of you r pocket?

I i m sure I had it.

Shit! - lt was my wife !

DOM : Fuck, you ' re 7O !

Vi king !

You Iook terrible . B ut you ' re mine .

I know.

H ello .

You ki I Ied someone !

You ' re married .

Ah , fuck!

Even best friends have secrets , Mandy.

How do you know my name?

Hello , M r Boback.

H i , B illy.

Hah .

Bush , it. . . it smel ls funny.

Oh ! I i I l remember to wash it next time . Stin ky old bush , ha.

Hah , no, it i s-it i s , uh . . . it ' s got powdery mildew.

What. . . what, you r bush ? - Oh , no , no , it was a joke , um ...

about my, um . . . it doesn ' t matter.

I i m sorry, have you got. . . you got a smelly bush?

Just because you said that you rs was ...

M ine i s got an actual disease , M iri . - Yeah , no , um ...

l was really happy that you were tal king to me and , uh ...

and so then l , I just pan icked and l made a really shit joke .

Oh !

H E LAU G HS Oh , I see l get it, the ...

Yeah , no , there i s noth i ng to get, cos it ' s not even slightly funny.

But what l really meant to say was , it ' s nice to see you

and it would be great if we cou ld maybe , I don ' t know , hang out again one day.

Have an ice-cream . As friends .

Because l had a really nice day with you and l , and I hope that you did too , so...

Can l thin k about it? - Of course . Yeah .

Right, I- I better. . . - Yeah , su re .

Sure . - Gonna go .

Ugh , bush .

Iti s ten o ' clock in the morning , Caroline , my-my porridge hasn ' t settled .

Ow! - Oscar.

You need to relax.

Oh , I am relaxed .

Oh !

B Ioody hell . What are you doing , Caroline?

I i m- l i m just trying to ...

It tickles .

H E LAU G HS - Relax.

OK.

H E EXHALES

H E FARTS - Oscar!

I i m so sorry.

I will not be defeated by a fart.

AN NA: Hel Io there , pretty girl .

H i .

I saw you and Billy making amends and l want to apologise too .

I have a jealous streak.

I real ly appreciate that. U m , and l ' m so sorry too.

I had no idea that you guys were ...

Let us never mention it again .

It i s hard , isn i t it, l ife?

Yeah .

H ow are you ? - U m , l ' m good , thanks .

Fresh start. New beginnings .

Well , it ' s , u m , iti s a Iovely day, so...

Isn i t it? Crisp .

Ah , there ' s nothing quite Ii ke winter sun , is there?

M m . How are you ?

Oh , I feel fabulous . Than k you for asking .

Oh , l i m so glad .

Light as a feather.

CIean as a whistle , inside and out.

Oh !

I do wonder though , someti mes .

Oh , what do you wonder?

I wonder what iti s Iike being a harlot

slut, ki l ler.

A man-stealer.

Cunty head .

U m . . . - A great, big fat fucker-fuckity-fucker.

AIright, you i re obviously having a bad day, so l ' m- I ' m not gonna take offence .

Oh , I ' m very well .

Right now , never been better.

J ust a woman in her prime , taking a good , hard look at a psycho

husband-stealing fuck-biscuit casually bathing her si n in the sun .

Wow. - While she should be rotting to death

in a prison cell .

That i s really nice .

Look, it ' s not working , l- l need to get back to my...

No , it ' s been too Iong .

We need to make it part of our routine , I i ke porridge .

Porridge? - Yes .

B ut a bit sexier.

AN NA (VO) : Slut fucker.

Sh it sl it.

Sorry, can you just stop it now? Stop it.

Rot. Rot, rot!

Dirty l ittle prison ki IIer.

You don i t know anything about me . J ust leave me alone .

Stop being so mean .

I know you ' ve got a great, big hungry pussy and nobody wants it.

Not my h usband . N o one .

You will always be alone !

Oh , fuck off and die !

Anna?

An na? Oh ...

Anna?

POLI CE RAD I O C HATTERS

CAROLI N E : Poor woman .

I never got to know her.

Now we definitely won ' t. H uh .

Hello, Tina. - M rs Matteson , M r Matteson .

U m , M iri Matteson , can I have a qu ick word?

Actual ly, I ' m a bit Iate for work, so I i m ...

OFFICER ON RAD I O : Apparently the deceased was talking to that psycho

that killed Chief lnspector Boback is girl.

Yeah , I ' m- I i m with her now, Rick.

So , u h , apparently you were the last person to speak to the deceased .

Yeah , we , we , uh . . . we did converse , yes . - Right.

What was said? - U h , so we had a chat.

Yeah . - Yeah , what did she say?

Said it i s nice weather.

Well , yeah . Yeah , it is Iovely.

So l said iiyes , it is , 'i and then she said it was crisp .

Ii Crisp . " - Yeah .

Yeah , it is crisp . - M m-hm .

U h , yeah , she seemed really, very lucid .

I nteresting . - Yeah .

U m , but then she sort of changed tack.

OK.

Sort of conversationally, it went i n a different direction .

OK. I n sort of, for exam ple . . . ?

'ISIut, whore , shit slit

dirty Iittle . . . uh , husband fucker

rot, rot in prison , you killer

killer, ki l ler, killer, killer, killer

killer. . . killer. 'i

Stuff Iike that.

Right. Anything else?

U m ...

Come on , it is im portant.

She said that I ...

she said that I had a great, big greedy pussy, so ...

OK.

Is that true? - What?

Sorry, what? No !

AIright, calm down . It. . . it ' s a fair question .

I am cal m .

Right. And , um , what was you r response?

SH E M U M B LES U N D ER H E R B REATH

No , what I mean . . . Did you say anything to her before she died?

U h , 'ifuck off and die . "

But, so . . . I ' m aware that doesn i t. . . doesn ' t sound very, very good .

No. - B ut you can see how I got there .

You know , I just. . . I snapped . - Snapped , right.

No. N o , no , no, no , no , no, no .

No . Oh , my God .

No , no? Or yes? - List. . . ugh .

No, wel l , yeah , no , but just, th is is , uh . . . Can I just say that this is incredibly...

This is really rubbish for me .

Tl NA: Worse for her.

Well , let i s just see what the coroner ' s report says , yeah ?

Oh , come on , you can i t...

Ii ke , you know, Iike , with words , that' s just...

Ah , sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never h u rt me .

OK, well , we all know that isn i t true .

'ITina Tiny Tits , you ' re so weak, you ' re a freak. "

So you smile through your tears and you just say "words ' ll never hurt me . "

And then , u m , and then you become a policewoman with a tru ncheon

so, uh . . . I ' II be in touch , yeah ?

OK.

Billy, I can explain everything .

B I LLY: Just leave me alone .

M I RI : I ' m so sorry.

Oh , Ch rist.

B illy, l i m not a bad person , it was just a very...

a very u nfortunate coincidence .

Shit.

POLI CE RAD I O C HATTERS

What? Show ' s over, go and have your breakfast.

NATHAN : Ah , you found me then .

I i m so sorry, I had an awfu l morning .

Than ks for coming back.

So , um , what happened to the shop?

This is the shop now.

Yeah , it ' s much better.

N imbler. You can ' t drive a shop around .

Are you sleeping here?

A bit.

It ' s fun . It i s Iike bivouacking .

Oh , my God , iti s because of me .

Look, it ' s not easy having a murd ...

murderer or murderess , which do you prefer?

Neither. - U m ...

A i' killer'i !

U h , front of house , puts people off

u n less it i s Halloween and you ' re making a thing of it.

Anyway, they will come round .

It i s not Ii ke you i re gonna be killing anyone else , is it?

Ah ...

Arr. . . - Oh , fuck.

No. N o , no , no, no , no , no, no !

Don ' t panic , don ' t panic , no .

N o . Look.

She was my neighbour, she was very, very old .

We were just tal king and . . . she died

but it ' s absolutely fine , it ' s fine .

Not for her. - No .

Obviously not for her.

Having the grim reaper for a neighbour.

It was a tragic coincidence .

Maybe you should warn people , carry a scythe or something .

Actually not fair, that ' s not. . . - OK.

...very n ice .

Ah , shit the bed . - Are you . . . are you OK?

It i s al I too m uch .

Are you alright? - It' s all too much , M iri .

M I RI : J ust breathe . Just have a Iittle breathe , OK?

H E SI G HS - Nathan ...

you need to fi re me . - Nope .

Just do it. - l can ' t.

Then I i m gonna do it, l i m gon na fi re myself. - B ut I don ' t want you to .

Wait there , wait a second .

I N D EEP VOI CE : M iri , you ' re fired .

Oh ! Oh , well , that i s fine .

Than k you so m uch for givi ng me a chance , Nathan .

I N D EEP VOI CE : lt ' s al right. Bye , M iri .

Iti s done . It was real ly easy.

You i re Ii ke Pau l McKenna, making me do that. - That ' s what they say.

You know what? It could be worse .

You could be me .

Thati s true .

Bye , Nathan . Good l uck.

Keep your pecker up .

Anythi ng? - No .

Thin k of me with another woman , hm ?

I magine l may be rubbing cream i nto her.

Oh , u h ...

No . - What?

I saw that dead woman . - Oh , thin k of someone else .

Wel I , who?

Marilyn Monroe , Grace Kelly.

More dead women?

Oh . . . - Look, maybe we just, uh , squ idge it in .

Oh ! - l ' m sorry...

I -I real ly want to , I just. . . I just don ' t know why l can ' t.

Don i t worry, darling . We i II sort this out.

Together.

Stop stalking me . - You killed your neigh bour ' s wife?

M I RI : No, I did not.

MAN DY: Well , you ' re trending on local Twitter.

Oh , for God i s sake .

I i m only getti ng in cos l don i t have a phone , don ' t get excited .

Ugh . . . give it to me .

Oh , God , this is ridiculous , I - I didn ' t do anyth i ng .

Who was that weird guy asking questions about you yesterday, with the beard?

I don i t really know, some kind of investigator.

Oh , my God , who are these people? - I nvestigator?

I don ' t Ii ke him . He i s creepy. - Oh , social media is evil .

M iri , you ' re not Iistening .

He creeped me out, I thin k he wants to turn us i nto the H uman Centi pede .

People think I i ve killed someone

so I i ve got slightly bigger things to worry about right now.

Well , have you ever seen the Human Centipede?

No, but I -I read it, I read it, Ii ke , on Monday he has a plum

on Tuesday he has an apple , then he eats a bit more fruit

has a bit of cake , turns into a butterfly, flies away.

To be honest, I would absolutely Iove to be him right now .

That i s the Hungry Caterpillar.

Oh , right, whati s the Human Centipede? - It ' s ...

when your mouth gets sewn to someone ' s arsehole .

Oh ! Oh , oh , that ' s a bit more concerning .

Yes , it is . - Listen , can you do me a favour?

I need to get my neighbour a present, can you Iend me some money

and just drive me , drive me to a shop?

I mean , l do actually have a staff meeting , which , um ...

it means fuck all , so , yeah , why not? - Yay!

It i s l i ke the old days . - What is?

You and me on an adventure .

We never went anywhere . - Yeah , we did !

Spliffs on the beach , the arcades ...

the Co-op .

My mai n memory is me waiting a few feet away while you got fi ngered

in pretty much any location by pretty much anyone .

Can you drive? - You ' I I have to get down .

Why? - No, seriously, l can ' t be seen with you .

Oh , for fucki s sake .

Down .

Why? - Lower.

U gh .

You know, to help with things . . . down there .

Canesten pessary for th rush ?

To encourage fi rm ness .

I n the stool? - No !

You know.

Theyi re bl ue . - l ' m sorry?

For men . . . downstairs .

Bru ised testicles . - Viagra!

SH E WH ISPERS: BIoody Viagra.

No . Sorry, we sold out.

Theyi ve sold out. Everyone old is having sex.

Oh . - OSCAR : You !

CAROLl N E : Oh , my God .

SH E GASPS

Hey, man , l i m just getting nappies .

Fucki ng scared of you ...

I fired her and . . . and she went nuts .

She threatened me , she said she was gonna do something

something bad , she said . U h , probably tonight.

TI NA ON PHON E : Like what, sir?

I really don ' t know. l real ly don i t know.

And whatls the name of this angry w0man ?

M iri Matteson . Thati s her name .

Big surprise. On it, sir.

Than k you .

Shit.

Do you thin k I should get him a card as well? - Sorry, don ' t tal k to me .

I . . . I can i t be seen with you . - You ' re just gonna leave me?

I need to get my wine .

Oh , my God ! Iti s you .

Yes . - You know, my mum is your biggest fan .

Really? - No .

She does not I i ke you . You i re a m u rderer.

And she says you dress funny.

G reat, can I just. . . I just wanna buy a plant--

Did you wear that in prison? - No, can l just...

can I buy this , please? - This plant?

Yeah . - No.

I wan na buy it. - No .

PIease can I buy it? - No .

Ph i I Sollen .

Hello , M iss M unther. H i .

Are you still being a nasty Iittle bully?

U h ...

Yes , miss .

Do you know what happens to bullies?

No , miss . - Do you want to fi nd out?

No . - N o.

Now stop being a disgrace and you serve this woman .

SCAN N ER B EEPS

Thati s £4 . 99 ...

So l take it you were a bit of a wiener at school ?

Not a wiener.

It was really nice watch i ng you suffer a I ittle bit

cos you ' re a bit of an arsehole .

That was amazing ! l like your headmistress voice .

Shut u p . - Oh !

Sorry, M iss . M I Rl CH UC KLES

Why don ' t you hate me?

I do . A bit.

Good .

But I have a part to play in this .

I haven ' t been a husband to you Iately.

Oscar, please . - No , but it' s true .

It is over. I ended it.

For better or worse . And this is extremely worse .

B ut we ' ve been through so much together, we can do this .

We start again , as of today. Reset.

We wi I I Iove one another and endure .

SH E SI G HS

What are you doi ng?

Magazines in the fire paper pile . Toxic fumes , very harmful .

I ' ve been mean i ng to...

Caroline , I . . . we have a, um ...

Ahem .

Oh , God . - I thin k l ' m , u h ...

Ha! I- I - I . . . keep going , keep going . . . go on , don ' t...

Go on , go on , yes .

Yes , yes , keep going .

Whey-hey! H E LAU G HS

Don i t you have kids to go home to?

I find parenting much easier after this .

Oh .

So , uh ...

M r B ush Man , is he someone you ' d wanna, um . . . ?

No , it ' s not. . . wel l . . . that.

Agh , it ' s not Ii ke that. - TH EY CH U C KLE

Are you still a vi rgin?

No . No. N o.

It ' s . . . there , there was Dom .

Oh . That was just the tip though , wasn i t it?

Yeah , no , but he got most of it in and then he pulled out and he ...

and he came on my, uh , Jam ie Oliver poster, which I don ' t...

I don i t thin k that was . . . i ntentional .

Christ. - But it was just next to my bed .

TH EY LAU G H

That i s you r definitive sexual experience . - l know.

Oh , Dom is . . . is a dirt bag , l mean ...

He i d jizz on anything . - Really?

M m . - Oh ...

Yuck.

It i s so weird , l thought that my life would be , like , 9OolO fanny

1 0olo other stuff but iti s just not been about my fanny at al I .

I ' ve maintained an 8O-fanny, 2O-other-stuff ratio.

Thati s really impressive for a headm istress . - Yeah .

TH EY CH UCKLE

Iti s not that easy dating when everyone th i n ks you ' re a psychopath .

I don ' t.

Why was she so angry with me , Mandy?

I used to just Iie awake trying to work out what I ' d done .

Lara could be Ii ke that though .

Oh , come on , this was different. She was . . . she was feral .

She bit me , for fucki s sake .

Yeah , well ...

Do you thin k she i s looking down at us , laughing at our sh it I ives?

Probably.

I m iss her.

MAN DY SI G HS Me too .

I really miss you too , you know.

I . . . I have to get back home .

Oh .

Wait! My bush is in you r car.

Hang on .

H E KNOC KS

KN 0C K ON DOOR

Hey, I need to speak to M iri .

She i s not here . - M iri !

M iri ! I need to explain .

I mean , there i s Iiteral ly nowhere she could be hiding--

M iri !

Mate , she i s really not here .

Hey. Have you got any chips?

Have l got any ch i ps? - Yeah .

I n my fish and chip van ? - Yeah .

What a question .

U m , no , l don i t, actually. U m . . . Or fish .

M iri ...

And no M iri either.

I i m ki nd of busy and . . . - DO M G ROANS

DOM YE LLS: M iri !

Chips !

Hey. - H i .

Sorry, I just, um , I got you a. . . a non-diseased bush .

Wow. Oh .

Are you OK?

Yeah . Yeah , well , l i m a bit shocked , but in a way

I- I su ppose thati s the way...

everyone wants to go , isn ' t it?

Is . . . is it?

Yeah , you . . . you lead a full Iife , your heart just stops , no pain

no suffering , you . . . you ' re peaceful .

Oh , l feel so dreadful . - No , no, come on .

No, but l shouldn i t have risen to it, she wasn ' t well and l was ...

I was so awful back to her.

She shat in the box.

What? - The-the-the shit that you got.

Oh , my God , so she , she ' s the one who graffitied the house too?

No , no , she just posted shit to people that she hated , that was her thing .

That i s why l don i t tal k to my mum anymore .

AII-all the other stuff, that was , uh , that was probably the whole of the town .

Oh , brilliant. - SI REN WAI LS

Oh , God .

Who i s . . . ? - Well , it ' s probably Tina, isn ' t it?

Oh . - Yes , it ' s Ti na.

Right, M iri Matteson , you need to come with me .

U h , no , l i m sorry, hang on .

He will tell you that it was her heart, l had nothing to do--

Yeah , yeah , it was , it was her heart. - Tl NA: Oh , no , this isn ' t that.

What?

OFFI CE R O N RAD IO : You won It believe it, Tina, it's Miri Matteson again.

Yeah , yeah , l i m on it, Rick.

Listen , I know no one Iikes bei ng fired

but to Iight a fire after you ' ve been fired

that ' s just showing off with words .

And arson . - What fi re?

Excuse me , what-what, what i s she done wrong? What' s this about?

Oh , hi , sorry, I didn i t see you standing there behind this massive criminal .

Come on . - Oh , my God , what is happening?

What ' s happening? - Right, you were fired today.

No , I fi red myself.

OK, that doesn i t even exist. - It does because I did it.

Oh , 'i I did it. "

That sou nds Iike a confession to me .

No , to firing myself, not to . . . not to arson .

Oh , so you ' re a police officer now, are you? - No , I ' m not a police officer.

TI NA: Yeah , right, well , I am , 1 8 months and counting .

Not even very long . - lt ' s wh izzed by. Seems shorter.

Anyway, come on , get i n the car.

But l haven i t done anything . l haven ' t done anyth i ng .

Oh , I see !

Sticks and stones might break my bones , but ooh !

I won i t get arrested for setti ng fire to my boss ' food truck.

I didn i t do that. I didn i t. Look, let me speak to Nathan--

Do you know what happened to the girl that cried wolf?

It was a boy and he got eaten .

Right, OK. Well ...

Do you know what happened to the liar?

No , because . . . - Well , liar, liar, pants went on fire .

Oh , my God . - Come on , come on .

That i s not even a th ing . - Yes , that is a thing .

PHON E CH I M ES

PHON E CH I M ES

KEYS JAN G LE

PHON E CH I M ES

VOICEMAI L: You ha ve one new message.

MAN DY: l know who you are, so stay the fuck a way from me.

I mean it.