Original subtitles

M R BOBACK: Lara! - LARA: My dad!s back.

G l RLS : Hi, Mr Boback!

M um , do you wanna do someth i ng today? - What?

Something , anyth i ng . - I ' ve got too much to do.

Ch la-what? - Chlamydia.

You ' II need to contact your sexual partners and i nform them .

Partners?

Iti s over. - Oh , come on , let ' s just have a l ittle ...

Iike , a Iittle goodbye fiddle . - Goodbye , Dom .

Hello , again . Wednesday afternoon , am usement park.

Sorry. Who are you?

You have a bite mark-- - No ! No .

It i s on your shou lder-- - Oi , oi ! Get out of it, you little shit.

I i ll be in touch .

PHON E RI N GS

MAN DY: H i . - MARK: Where are you ?

Yeah , I ' m at the school morn i ng meeting .

Oh. Listen, l can tt find Ph0ebe ts karate kit.

MAN DY: Look in her room . - I did.

Lo0k, are you OK ab0ut t0day?

Yeah , yeah , I i m fi ne . It' s . . . it ' s just a day.

OSCAR : I ' m afraid I have a m igraine . You ' re gonna have to go then .

What? Take a N urofen .

OSCAR : lt ' s a migrai ne .

Then we won i t go, we can all go another day.

No, Caroline , the whole point is it ' s today, to take her mind off the an n iversary.

M U FFLED : We need to get her out of town , away from it all .

At any rate , it ' II be good for you and M iri to spend some time together.

CAROLl N E : Your headache might clear u p in a minute .

OSCAR : lt ' s not a headache , Caroline .

MAN DY SCREAMS

H iya, hi , babe . H iya.

Yeah , l i m just thin king , I th i n k the , um , karate kit ' s in the airing cu pboard .

Yeah .

Which one is she again ?

Your father i s au nt. - Thought she died .

No, she refuses to . OId cunt.

But she i s family, so you visit.

Li ke we visited you in . . . that place .

You can say i' cu nti' but you can ' t say " prison " ?

It ' s extremely rare for me to use the " cu nt" word

and I on ly do so with regard to absolute cunts .

SH E SI G HS lt ' s a lovely drive and we ' re gon na have fun .

Feels fun .

EN G I N E STARTS

Fifth of November.

Iti s a beautiful day.

Exciting .

M l RI CHANTS : Shark! Shark! Shark! Shark!

M um , you have to say 'i attack'i . - Attack.

No, at the same ti me as me .

SH E C HANTS: Shark! Shark! Shark! - You ' re not sayi ng it.

No , so , you say attack, then I have to try and guess when you ' re gonna say it

and say it before you .

CAROLl N E CHANTS : Attack! Attack! Attack! Attack!

M I Rl G I GG LES No.

Stupid game .

When we get home , l i II make you play ping-pong doorways .

What on Earth is that? - M I Rl CH UCKLES

We used to make up Iots of silly games in prison to pass the time .

There is a Iot of time .

You get quite creative .

Do you know that I can make a banoffee pie in a kettle?

Yeah . lt ' s actually rather good , l ' ll . . . l ' ll make it for you and Dad one day.

There i s a good hairdresser i n Petworth . Maybe we could stop off and ...

see if they can fit you in .

Wow.

You could have some h igh l ights .

It might make you feel better. - No , it might make you feel better

that stuff doesn i t matter to me , you know that.

J ust a thought.

MAN ON RAD I O : We humans ha ve creative software in our brain, so it's those neuro--

I want to Iisten to The Archers. - N o , let ' s just tal k.

About what? - Anything , something .

We know nothing about each other.

We were tal king and we fi n ished .

OK, brilliant.

Three-hour drive . H ooray.

U RI N E SPLASH ES

H E SI G HS - U RI N E SPLASH ES

Fuck you , Caroline .

U RI N E TRI CKLES

DOORB ELL RI N GS

What are you doi ng? - Shh .

I ' m trying to enjoy this very comfortable si Ience .

You ' re being ch i ldish . - Shh ! That ' s tal ki ng .

Look, what do you want me to say?

I wake u p , I eat porridge .

Your father goes on about something .

This morn i ng it was seven types of plastic .

Why are you getting at me?

Ah ! I just wanted to take you out for a nice day--

M um , M um , M um , M um ! - Shit!

M I RI : Oh , what was that?

Oh ! - Jesus !

RAD IO PLAYS TH E ARCH ERS TH EM E TU N E

M r Matteson , I i m from Pi lot Power, l need to check you r meter.

Oh , somebody came a few days ago. - l know.

But it gave an odd reading and so I ' m following up .

Don i t want an astronomical bill . - OSCAR SCOFFS

That would be very unli kely.

I have the energy efficiency of this house entirely u nder control .

May I just say that your recycling system out in front here

is exemplary.

U m , than k you .

Yes . If everyone put in the ti me you do, there ' d be a lot more polar bears .

Iti s the Ieast a human can do.

Did you know that teabags are not compostable?

And that certain brands , they use ...

synthetic-- - Synthetic fibres , yes .

H E CH UCKLES I Iearnt the hard way.

AII those bags toxifying my com post bins .

Oh , don i t go there .

You are a Ieader of men .

A Viki ng .

It would be an honour to check the house of a hero .

U h , of course , come in . - Yes? Yes , O K.

I' Exemplary'i . OSCAR H U FFS AN D CH U C KLES

Oh , sh it, poor th i ng .

Oh , Ch rist!

Oh , l thin k it i s dead .

The car. Oh , the car! - l s it dead?

Oscar ! II be fu rious .

Thin k it i s mostly dead .

Oh God , it blin ked . - How we gonna get there?

Oh no , it ' s still breathing , it ' s l i ke 99olO dead .

If we i re late , she ' s gon na be such an old bag about it.

M um , we have to do something about it, it ' s in pain .

Oh , God . Put it out of its misery.

Oh , I can i t. You do it.

You do it.

What?

N othing .

I didn ' t say anything . - You so did .

Oh , I didn i t mean-- - What, I ' ve killed before

so l can kill agai n? - Oh , don ' t be so silly.

You i re my mother, you ' re su pposed to be on my side

not Iooking at me li ke I i m some kind of cold-blooded ...

B Ioody. . . ! Oh , shit.

Well , now it i s dead .

It was in pain . - BIeu rgh , l can taste it.

No, you can i t. Leave it.

No . . . - Look, come on , we ' ll be Iate .

No , we ' re not Ieaving it in the road .

What are you doi ng? - B urying it.

Help me .

No. B Ioody filthy.

Oh , no .

I ' m ki l l i ng it even more .

Sorry, Iittle fox.

CAROLI N E SI G HS

I i ve never done that before , killed someth i ng .

It was the right thing to do . - Yes , but...

Foxes are bastards anyway, they steal babies from bu ngalows and chickens and stuff.

M I RI SI G HS OK, M u m , Iet ' s go and sort out the car.

SH E SI N GS: # The day thou ga vest, Lord, is ended #

# The darkness falls at thy behest # - M I Rl M U M B LES ALON G

# To thee 0ur m0rning hymn ascended #

# l pray shall sanctify our rest # - # l pr.ay. . . #

# l pray shall sanctify our rest # - B lah , blah , blah ...

M I RI M U M B LES TH E TU N E

SAM U EL: Ay, ay, ay...

What is it?

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick and ...

That is faster than it shou ld be . - Well , it ' s always li ke that.

N o . N o.

H E SI G HS

There is energy bei ng wasted somewhere in this house .

No, absolutely not, I am vigilant.

PHON E CH I M ES

Oh , is-is that you ?

No , it i s my wife ' s .

That is not a viking ' s phone .

I would Ii ke to check all you r power-points and appliances .

M r Matteson , don i t worry.

This wi I I take a few hours

but l promise , l will get to the bottom of this .

Maybe iti s in the car and it fel I out of you r pocket?

I don ' t wear things with pockets .

I ' ve never worn anything with pockets .

What ' s wrong with pockets? - H ips , M iri !

Oh , God , where is it?

Wel l , it i s fine , we ' II just...

There ' s a payphone-- - It isn ' t fi ne .

N othing is fine . - Oh , my God . I s this about pockets again ?

I had it in my hand .

Well , you probably Ieft it at home . - l didn ' t.

I know I didn ' t.

Oh , Ch rist, maybe I did .

Oh , shit.

M um , what you doi ng?

I ' m sitting down .

OK, Iook, I ' m gonna go to the payphone

and I ' m gonna call the breakdown people , alright?

I i m sure I had it.

Oh , for fucki s sake , why is everyone so obsessed with thei r phones?

I need to tal k to M iri .

Who are you? - H er best friend .

Iti s very important.

Wel l , she i s not here . - SH E SI G HS

Can I get a cod and ch ips?

Iti s ten in the morn ing .

Are you judgi ng me? - No .

Wel l , when you i ve got kids , ten in the morn ing is two in the afternoon .

When ' s she coming back? - She ' s not.

U m , we ' re moving venue .

I ' ve got a truck.

Gonna park it by the beach . . . - Do you wanna fuck me?

What?

Well , you Iook real ly bored .

I ' m stressed , you know , we ' d both get someth i ng out of it.

B ut I don ' t even know who you are . - Yeah , l mean , that' s the whole ...

Oh , God , just forget it.

Sti l l got it.

M I RI : They ' ll be about two hours .

What? That ' s ridicu Ious .

A tyre is hardly a priority.

Two women in the middle of nowhere , no phone , it ' s l i ke Midsomer Murders.

M um , we ' re in West Sussex, a Tory M P will probably drive by

and save us before the breakdown people do.

They say two hours , they mean four.

OK.

If I i d known , I ' d have brought a book.

Where i s you r father when we need him?

H E SI G HS

H E MOUTHS

H E MOUTHS

I i m gonna cancel my mem bership .

M I RI : Then they' ll definitely come .

CAR0 LI N E SCOFFS

M um , why don ' t you come and sit down? - No , I don ' t want to sit.

I ' ve done sitting . l i m standing now.

SH E SCOFFS

OK. . . this is awful .

CAROLl N E SI G HS l know.

No, no , no , no, not the breakdown . This . Us .

You have been so wei rd with me si nce l came back.

J ust...

Where are you goi ng? - l don ' t know.

We are gonna have this conversation . - OK, fine .

You were right, I thought you should ki I I the fox.

And l smashed its head i n so we didn ' t have to talk about all this .

God , l i m a terrible mother.

I thin k I might be a cunt. - N o , you ' re not.

I am .

I left you and your father when you were six for a whole month .

I- I know, we ate custard every night, it was quite fun .

Sometimes I didn i t put you to bed at night cos I couldn ' t bear readi ng

The Tiger Who Came To Tea.

OK. - Agai n and again .

It i s just a book. - God , l cou Idn ' t bear that bloody tiger.

He had no manners . - Because he ' s a tiger.

You know , he couldn i t get an erection . - Well , he was just there for tea.

Your father, after you went away. Probably thought it was al I my fault.

Oh , forget it.

Where are you going? You-you want to talk.

Yeah , a real conversation , this is just you whining in the woods .

Why can i t I do anything right? - Because you don ' t do anyth i ng right!

Do you know that l shared a room with a woman who said the word beetle 2O ti mes a minute

for two years? No, because you don ' t ask.

I . . . - The only th i ng you could ask me about

was the weather.

So? - So , so? What' s the weather li ke , M iri ?

I was inside for 23 hours a day!

Well , I didn i t know . - This momentous thing happened to our family

and we can i t talk about it because it makes you feel uncomfortable .

Fine . The whispering .

Being frozen out of the ch u rch choir.

Having to go to the su permarket after dark out of town to avoid the stares .

Friends dropping Ii ke flies .

No Christmas cards on the mantel means no Christmas full stop .

Just two M &S tu rkey legs in front of the telly

hoping it would make it go faster.

Years and years of nothing but me and him rattl i ng arou nd that sad , em pty house

waiting for you to come back.

Worrying about what you ' d be li ke if you did come back.

I don i t ask you about it because I hated it.

And I want to pretend none of it ever happened .

You ruined my Iife . Prison ru i ned my life .

And I hated you .

I have hated you .

Than k you .

What? - No .

Thank you for being honest with me .

Maybe a bit too honest, but...

What do you want me to do to help you?

J ust be my mum , that ' s all .

H m .

OSCAR : Hello?

I i ve gotta go , I ' ve gotta meet someone . I ' II be back in 2O m i n utes .

Sure , l have everyth i ng I need .

Hah .

B ingo . Hello, ladies .

H i , I ' m M i ri .

H ello .

PHON E CH I M ES

Shit! - " My labia is moist. "

Whoa! Whoa, M r Matteson ...

DO M SPLUTTE RS

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey! lt was meaningless .

It was my wife , you . . . - Fuck off.

Fuck off! - Sh ut u p , you little twat!

Stop , wait, wait. Wait! Wait, wait, wait!

Wait. J ust wait. Let me just. . . this is new.

You wanna fight me but I i m warn i ng you now, l ' ll fuck you up .

Fuck off! Fuck, fuck you . Fuck off!

Fuck off!

Hey, whoa, whoa. Calm , calm , calm ...

DOM G RU NTS

Fuck, you i re 7O !

Aesus ! - I am a Vi king !

Fuck! Argh !

You always were a pathetic l ittle jerk.

I can feel your nuts on my nuts .

You stay away from my wife

and my daughter. I s that clear?

Agh . . . You ' re I ucky l don ' t fight pensioners .

DOM COU G HS AN D G ROANS

Oh , for fuck. . . That was u n necessary!

Vi king !

Is M iri here?

No .

M r and M rs Matteson ? - N obody' s here .

BOTTLE CAP POPS - Just me .

Sorry, who are you ?

I ' m here to fix th i ngs .

Drin k on the job , do you? - H m , hm , yeah .

M m .

Sometimes . When things go very well .

Ha. Such good friends , all of you , hmm?

You , M i ri , and of course , poor l ittle Lara.

B ut even the best friends . . . they have secrets , don ' t they, Mandy?

How do you know my name?

H E SN I FFS H m ...

Well ...

I thin k l . . . I better go now.

Don i t fuck with me .

I ' m a head teacher.

H E C H UC KLES

Good Iuck sleeping ton ight.

Two hours my arse .

Come here , hang on .

I thought you said it doesn i t matter how you look?

Well , it matters to you , doesn ' t it?

I know you wouldn ' t have done anything u n Iess ...

You and Lara, you were such good friends .

Why was she so angry with you?

It i s never made sense . - lt ' s a rabbit hole , l can ' t even ...

The poor Bobacks .

To Iose a ch i Id ...

unthin kable .

CAR H ORN HON KS

Shut up , you bloody Tory scum !

M um , you i re a Tory. - Yes , l know .

CAR H O RN PLAYS i' D lXl E " - Oh , hello !

CAROLl N E : Ha! At last.

M I RI : That' s a cheery horn .

Another year.

You i re not missing m uch , um . . . I never know what to do today.

I just asked a stranger for sex.

M i ri ' s back.

You i re probably haunting the sh it out her.

Like you are me .

I sti l l can i t sleep .

But you know that.

Sometimes I miss you

and then I remember what a bitch you were , and l still miss you .

Grade-A skun k.

Don i t pull a whitey.

M l Rl CHANTS : Shark! Shark! Shark!

Attack! - TH EY LAU G H

I sti l l don i t get it.

I ' m more of a bridge person .

M I RI : B ridge? M u m !

When we get home , l am teaching you ping-pong doorway.

CAROLl N E : No , M i ri .

What are you doing out here? Is that blood?

U h , yeah .

U h , I got into a bit of a squabble with a rose bush .

I won .

You ' re here .

We ' re all here .

M um beat the shit out of a dead fox.

M iri . - Well ...

it happened , so I ' m gonna tel l everyone .

You Iook terri ble .

But you i re mine . - l know.

Right, you two , get inside .

No snoggi ng until after dinner.

M I Rl : Whee !

This is so nice . - M m .

Look at that one there .

Wow. - Did you see that?

MARK SNO RES

SH E SI G HS

PAPE R CRU NCH ES

M R BOBACK: Lara! - LARA: My dadis back, hide the cigarettes.

Hi, Dad!

G l RLS : Hi, Mr Boback!

LARA: Hi, Dad.

G l RLS : Hi, Mr Boback!

Yes .

Hello , M r Boback.

M m .