Original subtitles

[BATTLESTAR GALACTICA THEME PLAYS]

WATCH YOUR STEP.

PA: ALL PULSAR FOUR MINING PERSONNEL REPORT

TO THE RESOURCE EXPEDITION OFFICE, LEVEL SEVEN.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

[BELL RINGS]

[BUZZER]

[DING DING]

NOT ON A FOUR-HOUR LAYOVER.

Woman: OPERATOR. CAN I HELP YOU?

PHONE HOME. PHONE HOME!

PLEASE DEPOSIT $6 MILLION FOR THE FIRST THREE MINUTES.

PA: ALL LUNAR PASSENGERS,

PLEASE CHECK WITH PASSENGER PROCESSING,

LEVEL THREE.

THAT'S US.

WILL SCRAPS BE ABLE TO SIT WITH US, DAD?

WE'LL HAVE TO CHECK, JIMMY.

IT'S A PRETTY LONG TRIP TO THE MOON.

CAN I HELP YOU FOLKS?

THANKS.

OH, IS THAT YOUR PUPPY, SON?

YEAH.

SCRAPS IS GOING TO THE MOON WITH US.

NO DOGS ARE ALLOWED ON THE SHUTTLE, SON.

I'M AFRAID SCRAPS WILL HAVE TO BE SHOT.

SCRAPS!

HE SHOT HIM! HE SHOT SCRAPS!

JUST JOKING! BLANKS. SEE?

SCRAPS IS FINE.

I SAYS, "WHENEVER YOU'RE IN TOWN, CALL ME."

DINNER IN FIRST CLASS TONIGHT

WILL BE BEAN SPROUTS AND BROCCOLI.

FINE.

CHANTING OR NON-CHANTING?

CHANTING, PLEASE.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE VIATEX ACCOUNT.

WE HAVE A BUY-OR-SELL OPTION.

WE CAN'T GET HURT IN EITHER CASE.

KEEP ON TOP OF THEIR LEGAL PEOPLE, BOB.

WILL DO.

AND BOB...

FEED THE CATS.

WILL DO.

I'M SORRY, MA'AM,

YOU'RE ONLY ALLOWED ONE CARRY-ON.

OH. ALL RIGHT.

BYE-BYE.

THANK YOU.

[BABY CRIES]

FOR THE BEST LITTLE COMPUTER OFFICER

ON THE LUNAR MISSION.

OH, SIMON, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE!

I GUESS I'M A PRETTY LUCKY WOMAN, AREN'T I?

WOMEN AND THE SPACE PROGRAM

HAVE COME A LONG WAY,

BUT AFTER THE WEDDING,

NO MORE COMPLICATED COMPUTERS

FOR MY LITTLE GIRL.

DARLING, THEY'VE OFFERED ME A CHANCE

TO HEAD UP THE COMPUTER ANALYSIS DIVISION.

YOU'LL HEAD UP THE BABY DIVISION

FOR MR. AND MRS. SIMON KURTZ.

THAT'S AN ORDER, LIEUTENANT.

WHERE'S THE PASSENGER PROCESSING LOUNGE

FOR THE LUNAR SHUTTLE?

CONCOURSE LOUNGE "C", FOURTH LEVEL.

THANKS.

HOW LONG IS MY PARKING PERMIT

GOOD FOR?

TWO HOURS.

THANK YOU.

WHAT'S THE FASTEST ANIMAL ON EARTH?

THE CHEETAH. NEXT?

SHOULD I FAKE MY ORGASMS?

YES.

THANK YOU.

[DOGS BARK]

[RUFF RUFF RUFF]

[YELPING]

THIS IS MISSION CONTROL.

WE HAVE CLEARANCE ON TWO-NINER

FOR SHUTTLE PRELAUNCH CHECKS.

YOU ARE CLEAR TO DESCEND TO 15,000

AND HOLD UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.

A HIGH-PRESSURE FRONT'S MOVING IN OVER DENVER.

56 IN THE VALLEY, 72 AT THE BEACHES.

THE SUPREMES HIT THE TOP OF THE CHARTS

WITH THIS REALLY BIG ONE, BABY LOVE.

I HAVE A COLLECT CALL FOR MICHAEL REESE

FROM HIS MOTHER.

THIS IS ONLY PART OF OUR MISSION CONTROL.

RIGHT HERE WE HAVE

RE-ENTRY FOR ALL EARTH ORBIT SHIPS.

THAT'S HANDLED BY THE COMPUTERS

AND SIMULATED BY THESE VIDEO UNITS.

NOW IF YOU'LL STEP RIGHT THIS WAY...

PHOENIX 6, YOU'RE PROGRAMMED

ON R-TWO-NINER AND COMPUTER LOCKED.

Man: COMPUTER LOCK ACKNOWLEDGED.

OVER AND OUT.

WELL, GENTLEMEN,

LOOKS LIKE IT'S OUT OF OUR HANDS NOW.

Man: JANET, THEY NEED YOU IN CONTROL.

RIGHT.

[BEEPING]

AW, SHIT!

[SIRENS]

COMMISSIONER, WE BOTH KNOW THAT

THAT SHUTTLE NEEDS ANOTHER MONTH

OF PRELAUNCH TESTING.

FORGET IT, BUD.

BUT COMMISSIONER...

I SAID FORGET IT.

MAYFLOWER IS THE FIRST LUNAR SHUTTLE

TO FLY FROM A COMMERCIAL TERMINAL,

AND THE BOYS ON THE BOARD

WANT THAT FLIGHT ON SCHEDULE!

WHAT DO THEY KNOW ABOUT SAFETY?

THE BOYS ON THE BOARD ARE UNDER HEAVY PRESSURE

FROM THE BOYS DOWNTOWN.

[McARTHUR'S PARK BLARES FROM THE ELEVATOR]

[DING]

[RAINDROPS KEEP FALLIN' ON MY HEAD BLARES]

I'LL BE THE ONE THEY CRUCIFY

IF THAT SHUTTLE SCREWS UP.

[BUZZER]

[BUZZER]

[BEEPING]

NOT SO FAST. FRISK HER!

WELL, THESE NAVIGATIONAL CHARTS SEEM OK.

I DON'T THINK THERE WILL BE ANY PROBLEM.

HEY, WHY THE LONG FACE?

I'M STILL WORRIED ABOUT THE SHUTTLE.

YOU SAW TED'S REPORT,

AND HE IS THE PROGRAM'S

TOP TEST PILOT.

WAS THE PROGRAM'S TOP TEST PILOT

UNTIL HIS MENTAL BREAKDOWN.

SWEETHEART, THE OPINION OF A MADMAN

DOESN'T IMPRESS ME OR ANYONE ELSE.

THE TRIAL PROVED THAT.

TED STRIKER'S PART OF YOUR PAST.

MARCIA?

[BUZZER]

JEWEL!

[WOLF HOWLING]

IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

NO! AHH! HEY!

PLEASE, MAY I HAVE THIS BEDPAN?

I HAVE TO GIVE IT TO SOMEBODY ELSE.

I'LL BRING IT RIGHT BACK.

PLEASE, MR. GOLDBERG!

SO THE COMPANY'S ACTUALLY

DOING PRETTY WELL.

WE JUST RECEIVED THE FIGURES

FOR THE LAST QUARTER.

THEY SHOW A 40% INCREASE.

VISITING HOURS ARE OVER.

DOCTOR, DO YOU THINK MY BROTHER

WILL BE ABLE TO COME HOME TO THE FARM SOON?

IT'S HARD TO SAY.

IT'S A DIFFICULT CASE.

HE STILL THINKS HE'S AN ACCOUNTANT.

YOU MUST BELIEVE ME...

INVEST IN MONEY MARKETS!

AND HOW ARE WE THIS EVENING, TED?

ALL RIGHT, I GUESS.

YOU CAN TAKE OFF NOW.

WE'LL FINISH UP TOMORROW.

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE A PAPER.

THANKS.

MY GOD!

Doctor: WHAT'S WRONG?

THEY'RE LAUNCHING THE XR-2300.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS, DOCTOR?

THE MUFFLER BRACKET FOR A '79 PINTO?

NO. THAT'S THE XR-2200.

THE 2300 IS THE LUNAR SHUTTLE.

IT'S GOT TO BE STOPPED!

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

THEY PUT ME IN HERE

TO KEEP ME OUT OF THE WAY.

TED, THE FIRST STEP

ON THE ROAD TO MENTAL HYGIENE

IS ADMITTING THAT YOU'RE SICK.

[ECHO] SICK... SICK...SICK...

SICK.... Sick...sick...

NOW LISTEN TO ME, TED.

OUR ONLY CONCERN IS YOUR CONDITION.

YOUR ALPHA SCAN READING

SEEMS TO BE LEVELING OFF.

IS THAT A GOOD SIGN?

[CHUCKLING] IT DOES THE JOB.

Man: I CAN'T STAND IT!

I REFUSE TO PAY $2,000 A DAY

FOR A HOSPITAL BED, ROTTEN FOOD,

HORRIBLE NURSES, ROTTEN DOCTORS!

WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM?

THE MAN'S OBVIOUSLY CRAZY.

BY THE WAY,

I SPOKE TO ELAINE THIS MORNING.

ELAINE?

WAS SHE HERE?

NO. SHE CALLED AND ASKED ME TO TELL YOU

THAT SHE'S MARRYING SIMON.

WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME THE WHOLE STORY...

FROM THE BEGINNING.

AFTER ALL, THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.

THERE'S REALLY NOTHING TO TELL.

MY STORY IS NO DIFFERENT THAN ANYONE ELSE'S STORY.

I'M SURE YOU'VE HEARD IT A THOUSAND TIMES.

ANYWAY, IT ALL STARTED DURING THE WAR.

I LOST MOST OF MY SQUADRON OVER MACHO GRANDE.

PLANES, TOO.

YOU'RE TOO LOW...

TOO LOW...TOO LOW.

AFTER THE WAR,

I COULDN'T GO NEAR ANYTHING WITH A PAIR OF WINGS.

THAT IS, UNTIL FATE DROPPED ME IN THE SEAT

OF A 767 INTO CHICAGO WITH NO CREW.

IT'S FUNNY HOW FATE CAN MAKE HEROES OUT OF COWARDS.

AFTER THAT CAME THE JOB OFFERS,

THEN THE PUBLICITY...

THEN THE CRASH

AND THE TRIAL.

ORDER! ORDER!

NOW THIS.

WELL, THERE'S MORE, BUT I'M SURE YOU'D ALL

BE BORED BY IT.

OH, NO, NO, NO. CONTINUE.

[GUNSHOTS]

[THUD OF FALLING BODIES]

Man: THIS IS MISSION CONTROL

AT "T" MINUS ONE HOUR, 43 MINUTES.

GROUND CREW REPORT TO STATIONS.

THIS IS MAYFLOWER 1. GET ME THE SARGE!

HEY, SARGE! HOLD UP!

HERE IT IS.

GIVE ME THAT RADIO.

KRUGER, THIS IS THE SARGE.

THERE'S NO WAY THIS WIRE

COULD HAVE PASSED INSPECTION

WITHOUT SIMON KURTZ' OK.

WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?

PATCH UP THE DAMAGE. GET THAT SHIP READY TO FLY.

THAT'S AN ORDER, MISTER!

YOU GOT IT, MISTER,

BUT YOU CAN TELL YOUR BOYS

THAT THIS THING STINKS OF KICKBACK.

YOU HEARD IT, BOYS.

NOW WHAT DO YOU SAY?

SCREW HIM! SCREW HIM!

TED STRIKER WAS RIGHT

WHEN HE TEST-PILOTED THAT SUCKER.

WHAT DID HE GET FOR TELLING THE TRUTH?

A ONE-WAY TICKET TO THE FUNNY FARM!

[PTOOIE]

WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.

LET'S MOVE.

[SIREN]

♪ IT'S UP TO YOU ♪

♪ THE LOVE BOAT ♪

♪ SOON WILL BE MAKING ANOTHER RUN ♪

♪ THE LOVE BOAT... ♪

THANK YOU.

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

MAY I HELP YOU?

YES. I'D LIKE THIS TIME AND NEWSWEEK

AND A LIFESAVER AND, UM...

THE SECOND TIME BOMB

ON THE RIGHT, PLEASE.

CERTAINLY.

THERE YOU ARE.

THANK YOU.

WILL THERE BE ANYTHING ELSE, SIR?

NO.

HI, GRANDMA RUDY!

OH, HOW GOOD IT IS TO SEE YOU!

JUST A FEW HOURS TO LIFT-OFF.

I'M VERY EXCITED, SIMON.

GUESS THIS IS A FIRST FOR YOU.

NO. I'VE BEEN EXCITED BEFORE.

ELAINE!

TED, WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT OF THE HOSPITAL?

ARE YOU ON THAT SHUTTLE?

BOTH OF US, STRIKER.

WHEN WE RETURN, WE'RE GETTING MARRIED.

ELAINE, IT HAS TO BE STOPPED.

BUT TED, THE INVITATIONS HAVE ALREADY GONE OUT.

NO. THE FLIGHT HAS TO BE STOPPED.

COME ON, SWEETHEART.

ELAINE!

SIMON, GIVE ME A MOMENT WITH TED ALONE.

ALL RIGHT. YOU'VE GOT EXACTLY

10 MINUTES TILL WE BOARD.

I'D WATCH MY STEP IF I WERE YOU.

TED, THIS WHOLE THING'S ALL IN YOUR MIND.

[SIMON TRIPS AND FALLS]

YOU SHOULD HAVE NEVER LEFT THE HOSPITAL.

ELAINE, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO US?

TED, I GUESS I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU,

BUT I NEED SIMON. HE'S STABLE

AND A GOOD PROVIDER, AND I NEED THAT

AT THIS STAGE OF THE GAME.

HE DOESN'T RUN AWAY FROM EVERY CHALLENGE.

HE DOESN'T LET EVERY LITTLE SETBACK

EAT HIM UP INSIDE. NOW GOOD-BYE, TED.

GENTLEMEN, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET YOUR CAPTAIN...

CAPTAIN OVEUR. [PRONOUNCED OVER]

GENTLEMEN, WELCOME ABOARD.

YOUR NAVIGATOR MR. UNGER AND FIRST OFFICER DUNN.

UNGER.

OVEUR.

OVEUR.

DUNN. GENTLEMEN, LET'S GET TO WORK.

UNGER, DIDN'T YOU SERVE UNDER OVEUR

IN THE AIR FORCE?

NOT DIRECTLY.

TECHNICALLY, DUNN WAS UNDER OVEUR,

AND I WAS UNDER DUNN.

SO, DUNN, YOU WERE...

UNDER OVEUR AND OVER UNGER.

YEP.

THAT'S RIGHT. DUNN WAS OVER UNGER,

AND I WAS OVER DUNN.

SEE? DUNN AND I WERE UNDER OVEUR,

EVEN THOUGH I WAS UNDER DUNN.

DUNN WAS OVER UNGER, AND I WAS OVER DUNN.

DO YOU HAVE ANY TICKETS FOR THE LUNAR SHUTTLE?

THERE HAVEN'T BEEN ANY AVAILABLE SEATS

FOR WEEKS NOW, SIR.

Man: WHAT YOU WANT?

I GOT PAIRS! I GOT SINGLES!

CHECK 'EM OUT, Y'ALL!

$400--LUNAR SHUTTLE TICKETS.

SMOKIN'... WHAT YOU WANT?

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?

LUNAR SHUTTLE TICKETS--$400.

I GOT SMOKIN', NON-SMOKIN',

FIRST CLASS, COACH, ECONOMY,

BY THE AISLE, BY THE WINDOW.

TAKE IT EASY, MY MAN.

LUNAR SHUTTLE TICKETS!

HI.

THANK YOU.

HELLO.

HI.

THREE OF YOU TO THE LEFT.

HI.

CAN I TAKE YOUR CASE?

NO.

HOWDY, GIRL. HELLO.

KEEP THAT THING MOVING. HOW'S IT GOING?

EVERYTHING'S FINE, SARGE.

Sarge: WELL, I'LL BE A MONKEY'S UNCLE!

TED STRIKER.

JACK, I GOT A BAD FEELING

IN MY GUT ABOUT THIS MISSION.

NUMBER TWO CHECKS.

♪ AT THE CAR WASH ♪

♪ WORKIN' AT THE CAR WASH, YEAH ♪

WHAT'S HAPPENIN', BRO?

ATMOSPHERE CONTROL OK.

ATMOSPHERE CONTROL... CHECK.

ANTIGRAVITY CHECK.

ALL RIGHT.

♪ CAR WASH, YEAH... ♪

CHECKS OUT

IN POSITIVE MODE, SIR.

CHECK.

CHECKS OUT

IN NEGATIVE MODE, SIR.

CHECK.

NEUTRAL BALANCE SEEMS

ALL RIGHT, SIR.

GOOD. THAT SHOULD DO IT.

ANTIGRAVITY OFF, SIR.

[THUD]

HOPE THIS WEATHER

DOESN'T GIVE US A PROBLEM.

DUNN, WHAT'S YOUR TEMPERATURE READING?

UH, 98.6, SIR.

THAT SOUNDS NORMAL.

Woman: SWEETHEART, YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE

BEFORE WE GOT ON THE PLANE.

Woman 2: SIR, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG SEAT.

THAT'S MINE.

ELAINE, WAIT. LISTEN TO ME--

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHY CAN'T YOU LET ME LIVE MY LIFE?

IT'S NOT JUST YOUR LIFE.

IT'S THE LIFE OF EVERYONE ON BOARD THIS SHIP!

WE'VE GOT TO STOP THIS FLIGHT.

TED, WE'RE TAKING OFF.

ELAINE, WHY DON'T YOU TRUST ME ANYMORE?

BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT THE MAN YOU USED TO BE.

YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE LEFT THE HOSPITAL.

PLEASE TAKE YOUR SEAT.

ELAINE!

[DING DING DING]

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE THAT WEATHER'S

STARTING TO CLEAR.

SATELLITE PHOTOS LOOK CLEAR

OVER WYOMING AND CONNECTICUT.

WE JUST HEARD FROM DETROIT.

HOW'S SHE LOOK OVER RENO AND BUFFALO?

CLEAR, BUT CHECK THE NEW JERSEY SUBURBS.

MAYFLOWER 1, YOU'RE CLEAR ON TWO-NINER

TO TAXI INTO LAUNCH POSITION.

ROGER. READY TO TAXI.

OVER.

Man: "T" MINUS 30 SECONDS

AND COUNTING...

MARK "T" MINUS 20 SECONDS.

[ENGINE REVS]

IGNITION.

"T" MINUS 9...

8...

7...

6...

5...

4...

3...

2...

1...

YOU HAVE LIFT-OFF, MAYFLOWER 1!

ACKNOWLEDGE.

ROGER, CONTROL.

THIS IS MAYFLOWER 1. ACKNOWLEDGE LIFT-OFF.

WE'LL BE SERVING BREAKFAST

IN A FEW MINUTES.

WILL ALL THREE OF YOU BE EATING?

YES, THANK YOU.

JIMMY, WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED,

I'LL TAKE YOU UP FRONT,

AND YOU CAN LOOK AT THE COCKPIT.

GEE, THAT'LL BE NEAT.

I'M GLAD THEY LET SCRAPS RIDE WITH US.

I BET SCRAPS WILL LOVE THE MOON.

WILL THINGS BE A LOT DIFFERENT

ON THE MOON?

IT'LL BE TERRIFIC-- A WHOLE NEW WORLD.

NEW KIDS TO PLAY WITH.

DOES THAT MEAN NO MORE HEADLINES

ABOUT THE RAPE TRIAL?

HOW MANY KIDS GET A CHANCE

TO LIVE ON ANOTHER PLANET?

NO MORE KIDS YELLING "YOUR OLD MAN'S

A PSYCHOPATHIC SEX PERVERT"?

A MAN CAN MAKE AN HONEST MISTAKE.

ANYWAY, SHE WAS ASKING FOR IT.

THEY'RE ALL ASKING FOR IT ALL THE TIME!

DAD NEVER SLAPS ME AROUND AT HOME.

IT MUST BE HIS COFFEE.

NO. I'VE BEEN SERVING DAD DECAF.

HMM. MAYBE HE'S JUST AN ASSHOLE.

YOU KNOW, DEAR?

THIS REMINDS ME

OF THE FIRST TRAIN TRIP WE EVER TOOK--

OUT TO YOUR MOTHER'S HOUSE, REMEMBER?

HOW COULD I FORGET?

YOU WERE SO NERVOUS ABOUT MEETING MY MAMA.

AND I DECLARE, YOU WERE PACING THE AISLE

ALL THE WAY FROM ST. LOUIS TO SIOUX FALLS.

AND HOW ABOUT THE TIME

WE HOPPED IN THE FAMILY CAR

AND DROVE ALL THE WAY TO WOODSTOCK?

OH, THAT WAS A TIME.

AND YOU GOT HOLD OF THAT BAD ACID

AND DIDN'T COME DOWN FOR TWO WEEKS.

YOU KEPT TELLING EVERYONE THAT YOU WERE JESUS CHRIST,

AND THEN YOU JUMPED OFF A ROOF

'CAUSE YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD FLY.

WHAT A BUMMER.

NO SHIT.

YOU LOOK A LITTLE GREEN.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, YOUNG MAN?

YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE GET AIRSICK,

BUT I NEVER DO.

I MUST HAVE AN IRON CONSTITUTION.

I'M ALL RIGHT.

GOOD.

I GUESS WHAT'S REALLY BOTHERING ME

IS MY WHOLE LIFE.

HMM.

I REALLY CAN'T FIGURE

WHERE ELAINE AND I WENT WRONG.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE

WHEN TWO PEOPLE SHARE THE SAME SPACE.

SOMETHING HAPPENS.

YOUR VIBES GO OUT OF SYNC.

I THOUGHT WE SHARED

A VERY SPECIAL KIND OF LOVE.

I'M NOT SURE I KNOW

WHAT LOVE IS ANYMORE.

I GUESS STARTED AT THE TRIAL.

THEY HAD TO COVER UP FOR THE CRASH,

SO THEY MADE ME THE SCAPEGOAT.

I HAD NO ONE TO TURN TO.

I'M SURE YOU'VE HAD

THE SAME EXPERIENCE YOURSELF.

I COULDN'T BELIEVE

WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO ME.

Man: I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT

THAT WE ESTABLISH A FEW FACTS

SO THESE PEOPLE WILL BE PREPARED

TO MAKE A FAIR DECISION.

FIRST, WERE YOU NOT THE CHIEF TEST PILOT

FOR THE LUNAR SHUTTLE XR-2300?

YES.

Man: ON THE FIFTH DAY OF OCTOBER THIS YEAR,

THAT SHUTTLE CRASH-LANDED DURING A TEST FLIGHT.

WERE YOU NOT THE PILOT ON THAT FLIGHT?

YES, BUT I WASN'T--

AND, MR. STRIKER,

IS IT NOT TRUE--

[SPLASH]

THAT THAT CRASH

WAS A DIRECT RESULT OF YOUR INCOMPETENCE?

NO!

THE PROBLEM WAS WITH THAT SHIP,

NOT WITH ME.

THE WIRING WAS SHORTING OUT

UNDER HIGH TEMPERATURES.

THAT THING WAS A FLYING DEATHTRAP.

Woman: AAH!

[CRASH]

THE FACT IS, GENTLEMEN,

NOTHING SERIOUS WAS WRONG WITH THAT SHIP.

TED STRIKER FOLDED UP ON THE APPROACH.

THAT'S A LIE!

ORDER!

ORDER!

ON MARCH 5th, 1980,

FLIGHT 209 INTO CHICAGO LOST ITS CREW IN MIDAIR.

AND ON THAT FATEFUL NIGHT,

TED STRIKER SAVED THAT PLANE.

I'D LIKE TO CALL

ONE OF THE PASSENGERS FROM THAT FLIGHT,

IF IT PLEASES THE COURT.

DO YOU SWEAR ON THE CONSTITUTION

TO TELL THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH,

AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH?

AIN'T NO THING.

WOULD YOU DESCRIBE, IN YOUR OWN WORDS,

WHAT HAPPENED THAT NIGHT?

CHECK IT, BLEED.

BRO WAS ON.

DIDN'T TRIP.

BUT THE FOLKS WAS FREAKIN', MAN.

HEY, AND THE PILOTS WAS LAID TO THE BONE, HOMES,

SO BLOOD HAMMERED OUT AND JAMMED SHIP.

TIGHTENED THAT BAD SUCKER INSIDE THE RUNWAY

LIKE A MOTHER.

SHIT.

Woman: I KNOW I WOULDN'T BE ALIVE TODAY

IF IT WASN'T FOR MR. STRIKER.

I FIND IT DIFFICULT EVEN NOW

TO THINK ABOUT THAT NIGHT OVER CHICAGO.

PLEASE TRY, MRS. HAMMEN.

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.

WELL...

W-WE LOST THE CREW...

AND...

THE FOOD POISONING MADE US ALL VERY ILL.

I LOST CONTROL.

WE ALL DID.

AND THEN...

THE BAD WEATHER...

[THUNDER]

AND THE LIGHTNING...

I'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!

CALM DOWN! GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!

STEWARDESS, PLEASE, LET ME HANDLE THIS.

I'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!

CALM DOWN. NOW GET BACK TO YOUR SEAT.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS.

CALM DOWN! CALM DOWN! GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!

DOCTOR, YOU'RE WANTED ON THE PHONE.

EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.

NOW JUST CALM DOWN.

I'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!

THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT!

OH!

LET THE COURT HANDLE THIS.

WILL YOU PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF?

BAILIFF, VALIUM.

I FLEW WITH STRIKER DURING THE WAR.

I'LL NEVER FORGET THE NIGHT

WE BOMBED MACHO GRANDE.

STRIKER WAS A SQUADRON LEADER.

HE BROUGHT US IN REAL LOW,

BUT HE COULDN'T HANDLE IT.

BUDDY COULDN'T HANDLE IT.

WAS BUDDY ONE OF YOUR CREW?

BUDDY WAS THE BOMBARDIER,

BUT IT WAS STRIKER

WHO COULDN'T HANDLE IT.

AND HE WENT TO PIECES.

ANDY WENT TO PIECES?

ANDY WAS THE NAVIGATOR. HE WAS ALL RIGHT.

BUDDY WENT TO PIECES.

IT WAS AWFUL, HOW HE CAME UNGLUED.

HOWIE CAME UNGLUED?

HOWIE WAS THE BEST TAIL GUNNER

IN THE OUTFIT.

BUDDY CAME UNGLUED.

AND HE BAILED OUT.

NO! ANDY HUNG TOUGH. BUDDY BAILED OUT.

HOW WE SURVIVED WAS A MIRACLE.

THEN HOWIE SURVIVED.

NO. AFRAID NOT.

WE LOST HOWIE THE NEXT DAY.

OVER MACHO GRANDE?

NO. I DON'T THINK

I'LL EVER GET OVER MACHO GRANDE.

THOSE WOUNDS RUN... PRETTY DEEP.

TED AND I WERE VERY CLOSE ONCE.

WE HAD THE KIND OF RELATIONSHIP

WHERE WE LAUGHED AND LAUGHED AND LAUGHED

ALL THE TIME.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LAUGH LIKE THAT?

YES. YES, I DO.

THEN THINGS STARTED TO COME APART.

HE--HE WAS OBSESSED WITH THAT SHUTTLE.

HE STARTED TO TALK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME,

EVEN AT NIGHT IN BED,

AND I GUESS THAT'S WHEN THE REAL PROBLEMS STARTED.

PLEASE ELABORATE.

WELL...

AT FIRST... SEX BETWEEN US

WAS A WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE--

THE WAY HE TOUCHED ME...

HE WAS SO GENTLE.

HE'D UNBUTTON MY BLOUSE...

AND THEN...

AND THEN...

WHOA!

WE DRIFTED APART.

I'M--I'M SORRY. I CAN'T GO ON.

AT THE REQUEST OF THIS COURT,

MR. STRIKER HAS UNDERGONE A PSYCHIATRIC EXAMINATION.

THE COURT CALLS DR. FRANKLIN STONE.

CAN YOU GIVE YOUR IMPRESSION OF MR. STRIKER?

I DON'T DO IMPRESSIONS.

MY TRAINING IS IN PSYCHIATRY.

OF COURSE.

IN YOUR OPINION, DOCTOR,

WAS TED STRIKER COMPETENT

TO FLY AND LAND THAT SHUTTLE?

THE DEFENDANT SUFFERS

FROM CHRONIC PSYCHOLOGICAL STRESS

AND IN A PRESSURE SITUATION

CAN SNAP LIKE THAT.

LIKE THAT?

THAT'S IT.

IT IS MY OPINION

HE'S A DANGER TO HIMSELF AND OTHERS

AND IS IN NEED OF TREATMENT.

MR. STRIKER.

THIS COURT RECOMMENDS

THAT YOU BE CONFINED TO AN INSTITUTION

FOR TREATMENT

UNTIL SUCH TIME AS YOU ARE DEEMED FIT

TO RE-ENTER SOCIETY.

BUT I WAS FRAMED! I'M NOT GUILTY!

THAT SHIP DID HAVE FAULTY WIRING!

WOULD YOU HOLD FOR A PICTURE?

I'M NOT GUILTY! I'M NOT GUILTY!

TED! TED!

HOW ABOUT A PHOTO FOR THE DAILY NEWS?

OF COURSE.

THANKS, COUNSELOR.

PICTURE.

IT'S FOR TED'S OWN GOOD, ELAINE.

Ted: I THOUGHT I WAS RIGHT

AND EVERYONE ELSE WAS WRONG.

NOW I'M NOT SURE OF ANYTHING ANYMORE.

WELL, THERE'S A LOT MORE TO THE STORY,

BUT YOU PROBABLY HEARD ENOUGH ALREADY.

I DON'T WANT TO GO ON FOREVER--

[BEEP BEEP BEEP]

UH, CAPTAIN,

I'M PICKING UP AN OVERHEAT

IN THE COMPUTER CORE.

HOW SERIOUS IS IT, MR. DUNN?

I CAN'T TELL, SIR.

YOU CAN TELL ME. I'M THE CAPTAIN.

I CAN'T LOCALIZE IT,

BUT IT'S DEFINITELY IN THE COMPUTER CORE.

ELAINE, RUN A COMPUTER CHECK.

YES, SIR.

Computer: VOICE INTERFACE.

THERE'S AN OVERHEAT IN THE CORE.

PLEASE ANALYZE PROBLEM.

THERE IS NO APPARENT OVERHEAT.

YES, THERE IS, R.O.K. WE READ A CORE OVERHEAT.

REPEAT ANALYSIS.

ANALYSIS CONFIRMED.

ALL SYSTEMS COMPUTE POSITIVE.

WELL, NOT FROM WHERE I'M SITTING, THEY DON'T.

LOOK, ELAINE,

CUT THE "NOT WHERE I'M SITTING" SHIT.

IT MUST BE A HUMAN ERROR.

CAPTAIN, I THINK WE HAVE A COMPUTER FOUL-UP.

I SEE.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU RECOMMEND, CAPTAIN?

YOU'D BETTER RUN IT THROUGH THE COMPUTER.

I ALREADY HAVE!

GOOD.

JUST TO BE SAFE,

SHOULD I CHECK THE REAR DATA BANKS?

NO. YOU CHECK THE REAR DATA BANKS.

YES, SIR.

[TICKING]

SIR, YOU SHOULD PUT THAT CASE

IN THE COMPARTMENT ABOVE YOUR HEAD.

UH, I'LL KEEP IT WITH ME.

I'LL HELP IF YOU CAN'T GET IT UP.

I SAID I'LL KEEP IT WITH ME.

TED. ELAINE.

WE CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS.

WE HAVE TO GO BACK.

I UNDERSTAND PERFECTLY.

WE HAD SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL,

BUT IT'S OVER. WE CAN'T GO BACK.

I MEAN THIS FLIGHT HAS TO GO BACK.

THAT WIRING COULD BLOW ANY SECOND.

THE PROBLEM'S IN YOUR MIND,

WHERE IT'S ALWAYS BEEN.

THEN YOU DO THINK I'M INSANE.

I'D NEVER USE THE WORD INSANE.

WHAT WORD WOULD YOU USE?

THE WORD IS SICK, TED.

GOOD-BYE.

[MEN SPEAKING CHINESE]

UH, SIR, THAT OVERHEAT IS GETTING WORSE.

I'D BETTER GET BACK INTO THE CORE

AND CHECK IT OUT.

I'D RATHER YOU CHECK IT OUT.

SIR, WE'RE CARRYING EMERGENCY FUEL BACK THERE.

YOU'D BETTER GET BACK THERE, TOO.

I'LL STAY AND FLY THE SHIP.

BE CAREFUL.

YES, SIR.

CAPTAIN, DO YOU MIND

IF JIMMY HERE TAKES A LOOK AROUND?

OH, OF COURSE NOT, MARY.

COME ON IN, JIMMY.

HI THERE.

BOY, THERE'S A LOT OF NEAT STUFF IN HERE.

THIS IS THE NERVE CENTER OF THE WHOLE SHIP.

THAT SURE IS A CUTE PUPPY.

WHAT'S HIS NAME?

SCRAPS.

CAN I HOLD HIM ONCE?

YEAH.

COME ON, SCRAPS.

I USED TO HAVE A PUPPY LIKE THIS

WHEN I WAS A KID.

YOU LIKE TO PLAY BALL WITH HIM?

YEAH.

YOU LIKE TO HAVE HIM FETCH A STICK?

YEAH.

OF COURSE YOU DO.

WELL, MY GOODNESS,

SCRAPS IS A BOY, ISN'T HE?

[GRR] YEAH.

JIMMY, DO YOU LIKE IT

WHEN SCRAPS HOLDS ONTO YOUR LEG

AND RUBS UP AND DOWN?

GOD HELP US. LOOK AT THIS PLACE.

CHECK THOSE FUEL DRUMS.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF THE COMPUTER.

RIGHT.

JIMMY, DID YOU EVER WONDER

WHY DOGS SNIFF EACH OTHER?

Simon: WELL, CAPTAIN, EVERYTHING A-OK.?

YES, EVERYTHING'S FINE.

RIGHT, JIMMY?

YEAH. EVERYTHING'S REAL NEAT UP HERE.

[BEEP BEEP]

THAT'S STRANGE.

[BEEP BEEP BEEP]

WHAT'S STRANGE, CAPTAIN?

IT'S AN ASTEROID FIELD.

THERE'S NOTHING IN THIS SECTOR, UNLESS--

UNLESS WHAT, CAPTAIN?

UNLESS WE'RE OFF COURSE.

CAPTAIN OVEUR, DUNN HERE.

Oveur: COME IN, DUNN. OVER.

THERE'S BEEN A PRETTY BAD FIRE HERE, SIR.

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DISCONNECT

THE DAMAGED SYSTEMS.

MR. UNGER IS ATTEMPTING A MANUAL SHUTDOWN RIGHT NOW.

R.O.K.: WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DAVE?

Dunn: WELL, SIR, THE COMPUTER HAS SUFFERED

SOME PRETTY BAD DAMAGE.

THIS IS HIGHLY IRREGULAR.

RIGHT.

RIGHT.

I JUST HOPE WE CAN STILL CONTROL

R.O.K.'S HIGHER BRAIN FUNCTION, SIR.

DO WHAT'S NECESSARY.

I'LL GO TO MANUAL CONTROL.

YES, SIR, WE WILL.

JESUS!

HANG ON!

I'LL TRY TO OVERRIDE R.O.K.'S CIRCUIT

AND SHUT THE DOOR FROM HERE!

HOLY SHIT!

AAH!

[THE BLUE DANUBE PLAYS]

DID YOU SEE THAT?

EXCUSE ME?

THERE'S TWO CREWMEN OUT THERE. LOOK.

I'M AFRAID THERE'S NOTHING OUT THERE

BUT EMPTY SPACE.

I SWEAR I...

Dr. Stone: THE DEFENDANT SUFFERS

FROM CHRONIC PSYCHOLOGICAL STRESS

AND IN A PRESSURE SITUATION CAN SNAP JUST LIKE THAT.

[ECHO] LIKE THAT, LIKE THAT, Like that...

MAYBE THEY WERE RIGHT ABOUT ME.

MY GOD. MAYBE I AM CRACKING UP.

[RUMBLING]

WHAT'S HAPPENING, CAPTAIN?

WE'RE OFF COURSE AND COMPUTER-LOCKED.

THAT FIRE IN R.O.K.'S CORE

PLAYED HAVOC WITH THE BRAIN FUNCTIONS.

MR. DUNN AND MR. UNGER WERE SUCKED OUT AN AIR LOCK

IN THE COMPUTER ROOM.

BOTH TOGETHER?

[BOTH] MR. DUNN AND MR. UNGER WERE SUCKED OUT AN AIR LOCK

IN THE COMPUTER ROOM.

DON'T PANIC. CALM DOWN, LADIES.

ARE THERE ANY OTHER PROBLEMS?

CAPTAIN, WE'VE RUN OUT OF COFFEE.

DAMN! I'VE TOLD THEM A HUNDRED TIMES--

STORE EXTRA COFFEE!

CAPTAIN, WHAT SHOULD WE DO

IF THE PASSENGERS START TO PANIC?

THIS IS THE WAY WE'LL PLAY IT--

MARY, I WANT YOU HERE

IN CASE THERE'S A FULL-CABIN PRESS.

TESTA, COVER MARY'S WEAK SIDE

IN CASE SHE GETS DOUBLE-TEAMED.

RIGHT! RIGHT!

CAPTAIN, I DON'T THINK WE HAVE ANY ALTERNATIVES.

I SEE. WHAT DO YOU THINK OUR ALTERNATIVES ARE?

WE'LL HAVE TO DISCONNECT

R.O.K.'S HIGHER BRAIN FUNCTION

WITHOUT DISTURBING HIS REGULATORY SYSTEM.

THAT COMPUTER HAS

A SELF-DEFENSE MECHANISM.

DUNN AND UNGER TRIED TO DISCONNECT IT.

YOU HEARD WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM.

I KNOW. SUCKED OUT.

[THUNDER]

STILL, IT'S OUR ONLY CHANCE.

WE COULD TRY IT FROM UP HERE.

ROGER. YOU'D BETTER GET BACK

AND MONITOR THE REGULATORY UNIT.

RIGHT. GOOD LUCK, CAPTAIN.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE CALM DOWN.

PLEASE LISTEN TO ME.

I WANT TO TELL YOU WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THE SHIP.

THANK YOU.

WE'VE BEEN THROWN OFF COURSE JUST A TAD.

Woman: WHAT'S A TAD?

MISS, WHAT EXACTLY IS A TAD?

IN SPACE TERMS,

THAT'S ABOUT HALF A MILLION MILES.

OH, THAT'S INTERESTING.

YEAH.

THE BUMPS YOU FEEL ARE ASTEROIDS

SMASHING INTO THE HULL OF THE SHIP.

ALSO WE'RE FLYING WITHOUT

A NAVIGATIONAL SYSTEM

AND CAN'T SEEM TO CHANGE COURSE.

MISS, ARE YOU TELLING US

ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING?

NOT EXACTLY.

WE'RE ALSO OUT OF COFFEE.

AAH! AAH!

AAH! AAH!

LISTEN TO ME!

YOUR CREW IS IN COMPLETE CONTROL OF THE SITUATION.

TRUST ME.

THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT!

YOU'RE RIGHT. THEY'RE OFF COURSE

AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR THE SUN.

I'VE SEEN ENOUGH, BOB.

TV: ..TWO MINUTES FOR HIGH STICKING!

GET ME STEVE McCROSKEY, AND FAST.

McCROSKEY HASN'T HANDLED A TOWER SINCE THE STRIKE.

SINCE REAGAN FIRED THE CONTROLLERS,

HE'S BEEN COMPLETELY SENILE.

YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT McCROSKEY?

PRETTY MUCH THE SAME AS REAGAN.

I DON'T CARE. GET HIM.

WELL, FATHER, I'VE LED SUCH A SINFUL LIFE.

YOU SEE, I'M MARRIED WITH TWO KIDS,

AND THERE WERE THESE GIRLS AT THE COMPANY.

I GOT THEM BOTH PREGNANT,

SO I STOLE FROM THE COMPANY

TO PAY FOR THE ABORTIONS--

AH-CHOO!

GOD BLESS YOU.

OH, THANK YOU, FATHER, THANK YOU.

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU, DARLING,

BUT I HAVE TO TELL YOU

I WAS UNFAITHFUL TO YOU, JUST ONCE.

OH, I UNDERSTAND, DARLING.

REMEMBER JILL, MY FIRST SECRETARY?

FORGIVE ME.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I KNEW ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME.

I WAS UNFAITHFUL, TOO.

I UNDERSTAND, DARLING.

REMEMBER SUSAN, YOUR LAST RECEPTIONIST?

AHEM.

I DON'T MEAN TO SOUND FORWARD.

I MEAN, I KNOW I DON'T KNOW YOU,

BUT...I DON'T THINK

WE'RE GOING TO LIVE THROUGH THIS,

AND...I'VE, UH...

NEVER...

BEEN WITH A MAN BEFORE.

I--I KNOW THIS REALLY ISN'T THE PLACE.

OH. NO, NO. I UNDERSTAND.

Woman 1: WHO TURNED OFF THE--

[CRASH]

Woman 2: HEY!

R.O.K.: WHAT ARE YOU DOING, CAPTAIN?

THIS IS HIGHLY IRREGULAR.

[THEME FROM MISSION IMPOSSIBLE PLAYS]

GET ME SOME COFFEE, MISS.

YES, SIR.

AND A QUART OF GERITOL AND A HAM ON RYE.

NO CHEESE.

YES, SIR. WELCOME HOME, SIR.

HERE'S THE NAVIGATIONAL CHARTS, SIR.

OH, GOOD, GOOD.

GET ME RADIO CONTACT WITH THAT SHIP. PRONTO.

PRONTO.

HERE'S ALL THE AVAILABLE INFORMATION ON THE SUN.

THAT THING IS HOT!

AAH! GET BUD KRUGER IMMEDIATELY.

AND SOME ICE.

YES, SIR.

JACOBS.

I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING

THAT'S HAPPENED UP TILL NOW.

WELL, FIRST THE EARTH COOLED,

AND THEN THE DINOSAURS CAME.

BUT THEY GOT TOO BIG AND FAT,

SO THEY ALL DIED,

AND THEY TURNED INTO OIL.

AND THEN THE ARABS CAME,

AND THEY BOUGHT MERCEDES BENZES.

AND PRINCE CHARLES STARTED WEARING

ALL OF LADY DI'S CLOTHES.

HE TOOK HER BEST SUMMER DRESS,

AND HE PUT IT ON AND WENT TO TOWN.

THINGS SURE HAVEN'T CHANGED.

CAPTAIN, I THINK WE'VE GOT--

CAPTAIN?

CAPTAIN OVEUR, WHAT'S WRONG?

[COUGHING]

WHAT'S WRONG?

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?

ONE...

ONE--ONE--ONE-- ONE WHAT? ONE WORD!

FIRST WORD? FIRST SYLLABLE?

CAPTAIN, I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS.

10 WORDS!

HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS

WITHOUT REALLY TRYING.

WHAT AM I SAYING?

OH, THROAT.

THROAT. SOUNDS LIKE CHOKE.

CHOKE. YOU--

CHOKE. OH, MY GOD!

YOU WERE GASSED BY R.O.K.?

I GOT IT! I GOT IT!

ELAINE, I THINK--

SIMON, THE CAPTAIN'S BEEN GASSED BY R.O.K.

HMM...

SIMON, WE'RE WAY OFF COURSE.

YOU'RE RIGHT, ELAINE. WE ARE OFF COURSE.

MY GOD! THE SUN!

WHAT IS IT, SIMON?

THE FIERY BALL AT THE CENTER OF OUR SOLAR SYSTEM,

BUT THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT NOW.

WE'RE HEADED RIGHT FOR IT.

WE'VE GOT TO GET OFF THIS SHIP.

DON'T BE A FOOL.

WE HAVE TO CHANGE COURSE.

WE'RE COMPUTER-LOCKED,

AND THE MANUAL NAVIGATIONAL SYSTEM IS DOWN.

THEN TED WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG.

WHAT WILL I DO? MY CAREER WILL BE RUINED.

WHAT ABOUT THE CAREERS

OF THE PEOPLE ON THIS SHIP?

THE LAWYERS, THE ARCHITECTS,

THE DENTAL HYGIENISTS?

FORGET ABOUT THEM.

WE HAVE TO THINK OF OURSELVES.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MAN

I THOUGHT I LOVED?

I'M GOING TO GET TED.

DON'T COME APART ON ME NOW.

I--I DON'T MEAN TO SOUND FORWARD.

I MEAN, I KNOW I DON'T KNOW YOU,

BUT I DON'T THINK

THAT WE'RE GOING TO LIVE THROUGH THIS.

AND I'VE NEVER BEEN WITH A MAN BEFORE.

I KNOW THAT THIS ISN'T THE RIGHT PLACE.

UNTIL WE GET THROUGH, OUR HANDS ARE TIED.

WE GOT TO MAKE PLANS.

I'M BUSY RIGHT THROUGH FRIDAY.

STINSON.

BUT HOW ABOUT LUNCH SATURDAY?

HAVE YOU CONTACTED THE FAMILIES

OF THE PASSENGERS AND CREW?

THEY'RE OUTSIDE NOW, SIR. THEY'RE NOT TOO HAPPY.

TRY AND CALM THEM DOWN.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, BE DIPLOMATIC.

GIVE THEM THE LEAD!

AAH! AAH!

TED, LISTEN TO ME.

WE'VE LOST THE CREW,

AND SIMON'S TURNED TO JELLY.

TED, WE NEED YOU.

ELAINE, YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT ME.

I FOLDED UP OVER MACHO GRANDE,

AND I FOLDED UP ON THE TEST FLIGHT.

I CRACK UNDER PRESSURE JUST LIKE THEY SAID.

YOU OVERCAME YOUR DRINKING PROBLEM.

I KNOW YOU CAN OVERCOME THIS.

IT'S NO USE, ELAINE. I JUST CAN'T DO IT.

TED, YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT THE SHIP.

I--I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS,

BUT MAYBE IN THIS MIXED-UP,

TOPSY-TURVY WORLD OF OURS,

THEY SHOULD TAKE ALL THE "SANE" PEOPLE

OFF THE STREETS AND LOCK THEM UP

AND LET ALL THE PSYCHOPATHS

OUT OF THE ASYLUMS TO RUN THE WORLD.

ON SECOND THOUGHT, THAT'S A BAD IDEA.

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY

IS THAT I WAS WRONG,

AND I HOPE YOU FORGIVE ME

BECAUSE WE NEED YOU IN THAT COCKPIT

NOW MORE THAN EVER.

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.

THERE'S BANGED-UP PEOPLE BACK THERE.

I'LL NEED FRESH SHEETS, GAUZE,

Q-TIPS, AND ALL THE VASELINE

YOU HAVE ON BOARD.

TED, PLEASE!

RIGHT NOW.

ARE YOU THE NURSE?

YES. TAKE THIS. THE WASHROOM'S

JUST DOWN THERE ON THE RIGHT.

I DON'T MEAN TO SOUND FORWARD.

I MEAN, I KNOW I DON'T KNOW YOU,

BUT I DON'T THINK

WE'RE GOING TO LIVE THROUGH THIS.

AND I'VE NEVER BEEN WITH A MAN BEFORE.

I KNOW THIS ISN'T THE RIGHT PLACE.

SIMON, I--

Man: THIS IS MISSION CONTROL.

DO YOU READ, MAYFLOWER? OVER.

HELLO. THIS IS THE MAYFLOWER.

COME IN, ANYONE.

OK, OK.

NOW WE'RE MAKING SOME HEADWAY.

WE READ YOU, MAYFLOWER.

IDENTIFY YOURSELF.

WELL, THIS IS ELAINE DICKENSON.

I'M 5'8", 123 POUNDS,

I HAVE, UH...

BROWN HAIR, BLUE EYES.

I ENJOY SURFING, BACKGAMMON,

AND MEN WHO AREN'T AFRAID TO CRY.

WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME

WHAT A WOMAN IS DOING UP THERE

IN CHARGE OF THAT SHIP?

MAYBE SHE'S GOT HER SHIP TOGETHER.

Man: BUT HE SMELLS SO BAD.

CAN I SIT HERE FOR A SECOND, MISTER?

OH, YEAH, SURE.

BE CAREFUL WITH THAT FOOD.

I'LL BE CAREFUL.

CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S AN INTERROGATIVE STATEMENT

USED TO TEST KNOWLEDGE.

BUT THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW, MISTER.

IS MY DOG SCRAPS GOING TO MAKE IT

THROUGH ALL THIS OK?

I'M SCARED, MISTER.

SOMEBODY HAS TO DO SOMETHING.

SCRAPS IS GOING TO BE FINE, SON.

YOU'LL BOTH BE JUST FINE.

STRIKER, YOU GOT TO LISTEN TO ME.

THEY FORCED ME

TO CUT CORNERS ON THOSE DESIGNS.

GET OUT OF MY WAY!

HELP ME, STRIKER. FOR CHRIST'S--

ELAINE.

YOU'RE ALL ALONE UP HERE.

TED, YES, I AM.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

NO TIME TO EXPLAIN.

SIT HERE, TED.

I WAS WRONG ABOUT YOU.

WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES, ELAINE.

I'LL NEVER MAKE THAT MISTAKE

ABOUT YOU AGAIN, TED.

LET'S JUST FORGET ABOUT IT.

WE'RE NOT LIVING IN THE PAST

OR THE PRESENT ANYMORE.

THIS IS THE FUTURE.

HUH?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING.

EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE OK.

I LOVE YOU, TED.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS]

HERE IT IS. ELAINE DICKENSON.

SHE'S THE SHIP'S COMPUTER OFFICER.

JACOBS, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT

ON ELAINE DICKENSON?

WELL, I'M 2 INCHES TALLER, A BETTER DANCER,

AND MUCH MORE FUN TO BE WITH.

TED, I HAVE THE STRANGEST FEELING

WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS EXACT SAME THING BEFORE.

EXCEPT, THIS TIME,

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M DOING, ELAINE.

BUT, TED!

YOU MEAN...

THAT'S RIGHT.

WE'RE AT THE MERCY OF THAT COMPUTER.

THESE THINGS ARE TOTALLY USELESS.

THIS IS MAYFLOWER 1 CALLING MISSION CONTROL.

DO YOU READ ME? OVER.

A MAN. THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.

THIS IS MISSION CONTROL.

IDENTIFY YOURSELF AND GIVE ME YOUR POSITION.

THE NAME'S STRIKER.

I'M SITTING DOWN AND FACING FRONT.

WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO KNOW THAT?

STRIKER?

STRIKER, STRIKER, STRIKER,

STRIKER, STRIKER... STRIKER!

STRIKER.

TED STRIKER?

THAT'S RIGHT, McCROSKEY.

I'M SITTING HERE IN THE COCKPIT,

BUT I DON'T THINK

THERE'S MUCH I CAN DO.

WE'RE AT THE MERCY OF THE COMPUTER.

[RADIO STATIC]

McCROSKEY, DO YOU READ ME? OVER.

STRIKER? COME IN.

McCROSKEY!

YOU'RE FADING OUT. COME IN.

DAMN! WE LOST THEM AGAIN.

COULD BE THOSE SUNSPOTS.

COULD BE YOUR DISHWASHING DETERGENT.

STRIKER FLEW THAT 767

INTO CHICAGO YEARS AGO WITHOUT A CREW.

NOW, WOULD SOMEBODY TELL ME

WHAT IN SAM HILL HE'S DOING UP THERE?

THE RADIO'S GONE DEAD.

ELAINE, TRY THE EMERGENCY PHONE.

HELP US, PLEASE.

Woman: THANK YOU FOR CALLING

THE MISSION CONTROL EMERGENCY LINE.

ALL OUR OPERATORS ARE BUSY,

SO PLEASE STAND BY.

TED, IT'S A RECORDING.

LET ME HAVE THAT.

Woman: WE SAID ALL OUR OPERATORS ARE BUSY,

SO PLEASE STAND BY!

THE BOYS DOWNTOWN ARE TAKING THE HEAT

FROM THE BOYS IN WASHINGTON.

THE PRESIDENT WILL WANT AN EXPLANATION.

BUD, LET THE BOYS IN WASHINGTON

HANDLE THE PRESIDENT.

SORRY TO PULL YOU OUT OF BED.

FORGET IT. I WAS READING.

WHAT'S THE STORY?

IT'S ABOUT AN OLD MAN WHO CATCHES THIS FISH,

BUT THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT NOW.

SIR, WE'VE RESTORED RADIO CONTRACT.

GOOD.

WE KEEP LOSING THEIR RADIO.

McCROSKEY, GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT.

WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE?

A RADIO?

WELL, IT'S ABOUT SO BIG, GREEN,

WITH NUMBERS, LOTS OF KNOBS.

I MEAN THE SITUATION. WHAT DO YOUR PEOPLE THINK?

THEY'RE SCREWED.

THEY'RE DEAD.

DID I LEAVE THE IRON ON?

COME IN, CONTROL.

WE READ YOU. COME IN.

I GOT TO BE STRAIGHT WITH YOU.

I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANY WAY

I CAN REGAIN CONTROL OF THIS SHIP.

STRIKER, THIS IS STEVE McCROSKEY.

NOW, I WANT YOU TO LISTEN TO ME NOW

AND LISTEN GOOD.

A FEW YEARS AGO I HELPED A YOUNG PILOT

THROUGH A STORM OVER CHICAGO.

HE SAID HE COULDN'T DO IT, TOO.

BUT WHEN THE GOING GOT TOUGH,

THAT KID PULLED IT TOGETHER.

YOU MIGHT HAVE READ ABOUT HIM.

HE MADE ALL THE BIG PAPERS

AND THE CANADIAN JEWISH NEWS.

I DON'T KNOW IF THAT KID'S STILL GOT IT,

BUT IF HE HAS, I KNOW ONE THING--

IF HE WAS UP THERE NOW,

HE'D FIND A WAY

TO TURN THAT BUCKET AROUND

AND GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE, PRONTO!

YOU GAVE THE WRONG SPEECH.

I'M NOT THE PROBLEM. IT'S THE SHIP.

THE FIRE MADE THE COMPUTER GO BERSERK.

WE'VE LOST THE CREW,

AND WE'RE LOCKED EN ROUTE TO THE SUN.

NOW HERE'S WHAT YOU DO.

STAY CALM, KEEP AN EYE ON THOSE GAUGES.

THINGS ARE REALLY GOING TO START TO HEAT UP.

WE'LL FIGURE OUT SOME WAY AROUND THAT COMPUTER.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO BLOW THE COMPUTER.

BLOW R.O.K.?

THAT'S RIGHT.

TED, YOU CAN'T DO IT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

THAT COMPUTER HAS A SELF-DEFENSE MECHANISM.

I DON'T KNOW HOW WE CAN GET AROUND IT.

WE'VE ALREADY LOST THREE MEN,

AND I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU, TOO, TED.

THEN I GUESS IT'S IN GOD'S HANDS NOW.

I'M FATHER O'FLANAGAN. I'M A MAN OF GOD.

AND YOU MUST TRUST ME

WHEN I SAY IT'S VERY LIKELY

THAT WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE.

AAH! AAH!

[BLOWING WHISTLE]

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT,

FOUR-ALARM FIRE RAGES THROUGH DOWNTOWN BUFFALO.

ALSO IN THE NEWS,

LUNAR SHUTTLE HEADS FOR THE SUN

AND CERTAIN DISASTER.

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT,

FOUR-ALARM FIRE RAGES THROUGH DOWNTOWN TOKYO.

ALSO IN THE NEWS,

AMERICAN LUNAR MISSION LOCKED IN DEATH STRUGGLE.

A FOUR-ALARM FIRE IN DOWNTOWN MOSCOW

CLEARS WAY FOR A GLORIOUS NEW TRACTOR FACTORY.

AND ON THE LIGHTER SIDE OF THE NEWS,

HUNDREDS OF CAPITALISTS ARE SOON TO PERISH

IN SHUTTLE DISASTER.

[GUNSHOT]

IF THIS COUNTRY WAS RUN BY VEGETARIAN WOMEN

RATHER THAN FLESH-EATING MEN,

THIS WHOLE SPACE DISASTER WOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED.

YOU KNOW, RIGHT NOW

WE'RE WORKING TO RAISE THE CONSCIOUSNESS

OF THE VEGETARIAN MINORITIES

WITH DIET SENSITIVITY TRAINING

SO THAT PEOPLE WILL BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH THE FAL--

THE KEY TO THIS WHOLE THING IS THEIR COMPUTER.

UNTIL WE CAN PUT THAT SHIP ON MANUAL,

THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO.

GET ME THAT COMPUTER PROGRAM.

YES, SIR.

WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?

McCROSKEY, CONTROL.

HALLICK, HOMICIDE.

JACOBS, SAGITTARIUS.

WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, LIEUTENANT?

WE'VE GOT OUR OWN PROBLEMS, SO MAKE IT GOOD.

A PASSENGER IS CARRYING A BOMB

AND MIGHT BE SUICIDAL.

GOOD ONE.

HIS NAME IS JOE SALUCCI.

HE WAS FLYING TO DES MOINES

FOR AN OPERATION FOR SEXUAL IMPOTENCE.

THE DES MOINES INSTITUTE?

YOU KNOW IT?

WE'RE FAMILIAR WITH IT.

JOE GAVE HIS WIFE THIS INSURANCE POLICY,

THEN GOT ON THE SHUTTLE.

MRS. SALUCCI THINKS HE'S SUICIDAL.

WE HAD THE BOYS IN PSYCHIATRY

DO A PROFILE ON HIM.

YEAH, THAT LOOKS PRETTY BAD.

IT'S NOT HIS GOOD SIDE.

NOW, THE WAY I READ IT,

BLOWING UP A PLANE IN SPACE

LEAVES NO TRACES

FOR THE INSURANCE INVESTIGATORS.

THIS IS A $1-MILLION POLICY.

[WHISTLES] [WHISTLES]

WELL, WAIT A MINUTE.

THIS IS AUTO INSURANCE!

THAT'S WHY WE'RE WORRIED, GENTLEMEN.

THIS CLOWN'S IMPOTENT, SUICIDAL,

AND INCREDIBLY STUPID.

AND THAT SPELLS TROUBLE IN MY BOOK.

OH, YEAH.

TROUBLE.

TROUBLE.

STINSON, GET ME THOSE MAYFLOWER PLANS.

YES, SIR.

YOU, CLEAR THAT TABLE IN THERE.

I'LL GET THE CARDS AND THE BRIDGE MIX.

AND SOMEBODY GET ME THE SARGE.

THE HEAT IN THIS COCKPIT IS GETTING UNBEARABLE.

YOU CAN FRY AN EGG ON THIS CONTROL PANEL.

[SIZZLING]

TED, I DON'T KNOW

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO US,

BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW NOW

I LOVE YOU AND ALWAYS WILL.

[BUZZER]

THAT MIGHT BE THE NEWS

WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.

THIS IS MAYFLOWER 1.

McCroskey: STRIKER, I GOT NEWS FOR YOU.

ROGER.

YOU GOT A PASSENGER ABOARD NAMED JOE SALUCCI.

HE'S CARRYING A BOMB.

A BO--

NO, NOT A "BO," A BOMB.

DO YOU HEAR ME STRIKER?

I HEARD YOU, McCROSKEY,

BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

GET THAT BOMB.

I DON'T CARE HOW, BUT GET IT.

THAT'S OUR TOP PRIORITY.

ALL THE OTHER PROBLEMS CAN JUST WAIT.

AS IF WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS ALREADY.

YOU'D BETTER FASTEN YOUR SEAT BELT.

SIR, YOU'LL HAVE TO PUT YOUR CIGARETTE OUT.

OK.

AAH! AAH!

MARY?

YES?

WHICH PASSENGER IS JOE SALUCCI?

16-C. WHY?

HE'S CARRYING A BOMB.

A BO--!

NO, NOT A "BO," A BOMB.

NOW, AS DISCREETLY AS POSSIBLE,

MOVE THE PASSENGERS INTO THE LOUNGE.

WE DON'T HAVE A LOUNGE.

THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW.

GET EVERYONE AWAY FROM THAT BOMB.

WHAT SHOULD I SAY?

ANYTHING. JUST DON'T LET SALUCCI

THINK WE'RE ON TO HIM.

I'LL DO MY BEST.

ATTENTION, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE.

WOULD EVERYBODY MOVE TO THE LOUNGE

WHO IS NOT CARRYING A BOMB.

AAH! AAH!

DON'T MOVE!

MR. SALUCCI, THEY KNOW BACK HOME.

STAY WHERE YOU ARE!

YOU DON'T WANT TO KILL

ALL THESE INNOCENT PEOPLE.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT THEM.

JOE, LISTEN TO ME.

IT'S HOPELESS.

NO ONE'S EVER GOTTEN AWAY

WITH A STUNT LIKE THIS BEFORE.

JOE, THE INSURANCE IS WORTHLESS NOW.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

JOE, YOU GOT TO TRUST ME.

[BOWLING PINS CRASH]

NO ONE WILL HURT YOU.

NO ONE HAS TO KNOW WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM.

NO ONE HAS TO KNOW YOU'RE IMPOTENT.

DON'T SAY THAT WORD!

SCRAPS!

NICE GOING.

WE'RE NOT OUT OF THE WOODS YET,

BUT AT LEAST YOU GOT RID OF THAT BOMB.

NOT EXACTLY, McCROSKEY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

THE BOMB'S HERE BESIDE ME.

RIGHT THERE, BESIDE YOU IN THE COCKPIT?

STRIKER...

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?

I GOT AN IDEA,

AND IT MIGHT JUST WORK.

IT'S A LONG SHOT, MAYBE OUR ONLY SHOT.

I WANT TO USE THE BOMB

TO BLOW THE COMPUTER.

STRIKER, YOU'VE GOT TO BE CRAZY

TO TRY A STUNT LIKE THAT.

YOU MAY BE RIGHT,

BUT IT'S THE ONLY CHANCE WE'VE GOT.

WHEN THAT BOMB BLOWS,

WE'LL LOSE OUR OXYGEN FAST.

I'LL HAVE TO GET THAT SHIP

OUT OF HERE AS QUICK AS I CAN.

I'M TAKING HER TO 0.5 WARP.

0.5 WARP?

0.5 WARP.

I TEST-PILOTED THIS SHUTTLE.

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT CAN DO.

STRIKER, LISTEN TO ME NOW AND LISTEN GOOD.

THAT THING IS BOUND TO COME APART

AT THAT SPEED, AND THAT'S NO GOOD.

IT'S GOT TO BE IN ONE PIECE

WHEN YOU LAND ON THE MOON.

YOU KNOW DAMN WELL

THAT THAT WARP DRIVE HAS NEVER BEEN TESTED!

YOU'RE PUTTING YOURSELF

AND EVERYBODY ELSE ON THAT SHIP IN JEOPARDY!

[BUZZER]

Man: OVER HERE!

CONTESTANT 38.

I'LL TAKE AIR SHUTTLE DISASTERS FOR 40.

THE ANSWER IS... THE MAYFLOWER.

TED, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

ELAINE, I'M GOING BACK THERE

WITH THE BOMB.

TED...

YOU'RE MY HERO.

TED...

THE BOMB.

TED...

BE CAREFUL.

LISTEN GOOD.

IF YOU GOT ANY IDEAS, NOW IS THE TIME.

I WANT TO HEAR THEM.

HOW ABOUT A GAME SHOW

LIKE HOLLYWOOD SQUARES BUT WITH KIDS?

GARY COLEMAN COULD HOST.

[BREATHING THROUGH MASK, DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[BREATHING AND MUSIC STOPS]

[BREATHING AND MUSIC STARTS]

[BREATHING AND MUSIC STOPS]

[BREATHING AND MUSIC STARTS]

[BREATHING STOPS]

[BREATHING STARTS]

TED! TED! SIMON JUST EJECTED.

SIT DOWN, ELAINE.

IF THIS BOMB TRICK WORKS,

WE MIGHT JUST MAKE IT.

SIMON WAS A FOOL TO EJECT NOW.

YOU MEAN...

THAT'S RIGHT.

PREMATURE EJECTION.

STRIKER, LISTEN AND LISTEN GOOD.

YOU'LL BE ON LUNAR RADIO RANGE ANY SECOND.

THE NEXT TRANSMISSION THAT YOU RECEIVE

WILL BE FROM BUCK MURDOCK AT ALPHA BETA BASE.

NOT BUCK MURDOCK?

NO. BUCK MURDOCK.

WHO'S BUCK MURDOCK, TED?

A GUY I FLEW WITH DURING THE WAR.

HE WAS WITH US THAT DAY

I LED THE RAID OVER MACHO GRANDE.

AND HE'S STILL ALIVE?

STRIKER, SON... WE'RE ALL BETTING ON YOU.

Man 1: 5-1 THEY ALL DIE.

Man 2: 8-5 THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN MAKE IT.

Man 3: 6-4 THEY LOSE THE CREW.

0.5 WARP--GOD HELP THEM.

NOBODY'S EVER TRAVELED AT THAT SPEED BEFORE.

LAST SPRING, WE DID EUROPE IN NINE DAYS.

THEN WE WENT TO BAKERSFIELD AND ENDED UP IN FRESNO.

NO ONE GOES TO FRESNO ANYMORE.

ALL COMMUNICATION LINES ARE CLEAR.

READY TO TRANSFER

TO BUCK MURDOCK AT ALPHA BETA.

OVER.

GENTLEMEN...

I DON'T FIND IT EASY TO TALK

AT A TIME LIKE THIS,

BUT I GOT TO SAY SOMETHING

ABOUT THAT GUY UP THERE,

AND I CAN SUM IT ALL UP IN JUST ONE WORD--

COURAGE.

DEDICATION, DARING, PRIDE,

PLUCK, SPIRIT, GRIT, METTLE,

AND...G-U-T-S.

GUTS!

TED STRIKER'S GOT MORE GUTS IN HIS LITTLE FINGER

THAN MOST OF US HAVE IN OUR LARGE INTESTINE,

INCLUDING THE COLON!

WHEN WE'RE READY,

WE'D LIKE YOU TO REMOVE YOUR EYEGLASSES AND SHOES

AND PLACE YOUR HEAD BETWEEN THE KNEES.

BETWEEN YOUR OWN KNEES, FATHER.

WE'VE BLOWN THE COMPUTER.

ELAINE, YOU'D BETTER CHECK THE READOUT.

WE'RE SLOWING DOWN.

OK, SET COURSE CHANGE.

SET.

COMPUTE.

COMPUTE.

[TIRES SCREECH]

OK, HERE IT GOES.

ELAINE, WE HIT 0.5 WARP,

AND EVERYTHING SEEMS OK.

WE'VE GOT GRAVITY CONTROL BACK.

[THUD]

SORRY.

ELAINE, YOU'D BETTER BRACE YOURSELF.

THIS IS FASTER

THAN MAN HAS EVER TRAVELED BEFORE.

[INHALING]

OH, WOW.

IN CASE SOME OF YOU ARE WONDERING,

WE ARE TRAVELING 1/2 THE SPEED OF LIGHT.

SOME OF YOU MIGHT EXPERIENCE

A TEMPORARY METABOLIC CHANGE,

BUT THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

THANK YOU.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[COYOTES BAYING]

[FROGS CROAKING]

[SHH]

SHH.

[SHH]

SHH.

[SHH]

SHH.

[SHH]

COMMANDER MURDOCK.

WHAT IS IT, LIEUTENANT?

THE MAYFLOWER'S IN TROUBLE.

SHE'S COMING IN HOTTER THAN A FIRECRACKER.

THEIR COMPUTER'S DOWN. THEY'VE LOST THEIR CREW.

THEY'RE ON MANUAL CONTROL.

WE'D BETTER GET TO THE TOWER.

WE HAVE NO TOWER.

NO TOWER?

JUST A BRIDGE, SIR.

WHY THE HELL AREN'T I NOTIFIED ABOUT THESE THINGS?

LIEUTENANT...

HOW WOULD YOU HANDLE THIS?

WE COULD TRY IGNORING IT.

I SEE.

PRETEND NOTHING HAS HAPPENED

AND HOPE EVERYTHING TURNS OUT

ALL RIGHT IN THE MORNING.

JUST A THOUGHT, SIR.

I'VE CONSIDERED THAT. MUST BE A BETTER ANGLE.

SHH.

[SHH]

SHH.

[SHH]

IF THEY'VE LOST THEIR CREW,

WHO'S IN CONTROL OF THAT BUCKET?

SOME GUY BY THE NAME OF TED STRIKER, SIR.

TED STRIKER.

DO YOU KNOW HIM?

NEVER HEARD OF HIM.

THAT'S NOT EXACTLY TRUE.

WE WERE LIKE BROTHERS.

WE FLEW TOGETHER DURING THE WAR.

WE WERE CLOSE, REAL CLOSE UNTIL...

UNTIL, SIR?

UNTIL THAT DAY OVER MACHO GRANDE.

OVER MACHO GRANDE, SIR?

I'LL NEVER GET OVER MACHO GRANDE.

FORGET IT, LIEUTENANT.

IT WASN'T A PRETTY PICTURE.

PHFFT.

[PHFFT]

SHH.

[SHH]

WHAT HAVE YOU FOUND?

THESE RED LIGHTS KEEP MOVING BACK AND FORTH.

ASIDE FROM THAT,

THIS THING SEEMS TO HAVE NO FUNCTION WHATSOEVER.

IT MUST HAVE SOME FUNCTION.

WHY WOULD THE GOVERNMENT PUT ALL THAT MONEY

INTO A THING WITH MOVING RED LIGHTS?

SIR, THESE LIGHTS KEEP BLINKING

OUT OF SEQUENCE.

WHAT SHOULD WE DO ABOUT IT?

GET THEM TO BLINK IN SEQUENCE.

RORSHACK, WHAT DO YOU GOT?

WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THESE?

THAT'S A BIRD. THAT'S A COW.

THAT'S A HORSE WITH A HAT ON.

I PULLED STRIKER'S RECORD.

I DON'T THINK YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE IT.

THAT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT.

SIR, THEY'LL HIT OUR ATMOSPHERE

IN THREE MINUTES.

HOW DO YOU WANT TO PLAY IT?

I WANT A 6-FOOT TRENCH DUG AROUND THE BASE.

FILL IT WITH GASOLINE.

GET THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN

TO THE LOWER SHELTERS.

CONTACT THE JAPANESE AMBASSADOR.

RORSHACK, GET ME A COMPLETE FILE

ON EVERYONE WHO'S SEEN THE SOUND OF MUSIC

MORE THAN FOUR TIMES.

ON SECOND THOUGHT, KILL THOSE ORDERS.

DOWN SCOPE.

[KLAXON SOUNDS]

FATE CAN PLAY A STRANGE GAME SOMETIMES, LIEUTENANT.

FATE, SIR?

STRIKER WIPES OUT HIS ENTIRE SQUADRON

OVER MACHO GRANDE,

AND NOW THOSE PEOPLE'S LIVES

UP THERE ARE IN HIS HANDS.

I GUESS IRONY CAN BE PRETTY IRONIC SOMETIMES.

BUT IT'S HIS SHIP NOW.

HE'S THE TOP DOG,

THE BIG MAN,

NUMERO UNO HONCHO...

THE HEAD CHEESE.

I JUST HOPE HE HAS THE RIGHT STUFF.

UP SCOPE.

SIR, WE HAVE RADIO CONTACT.

YES, I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT RIGHT AWAY.

WE'VE HAD SOME PROBLEMS WITH THE SHIP.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO USE THE WASHROOM,

PLEASE BE CAREFUL.

OH, THANK YOU.

I'VE BEEN ON MY FEET ALL DAY.

I SURE COULD USE A LITTLE BREATHER.

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

STRIKER, THIS IS BUCK MURDOCK.

DO YOU READ ME?

I READ YOU, MURDOCK.

HOPE HE'S NOT STILL BITTER

ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN US.

IF NOT FOR THOSE PEOPLE,

I'D SAY LET STRIKER GO DOWN

IN A FIERY TWISTED MASS OF MOLTEN METAL.

STRIKER, LET'S JUST PRAY YOU DON'T SCREW UP HERE

LIKE YOU DID OVER MACHO GRANDE,

SO JUST FOLLOW ORDERS.

WE'VE GOT YOU LOCKED ON BEAM.

PREPARE TO KILL AUXILIARY ENGINES.

ROGER, MURDOCK.

ALL RIGHT, STRIKER,

KILL THE AUXILIARY ENGINES.

TED, THE LEVER!

THE LEVER JUST CAME OFF.

WE'RE STILL AT WARP.

TRY ANOTHER LEVER.

THERE ARE NO MORE LEVERS,

JUST SWITCHES.

NO BUTTONS?

NO BUTTONS.

JUST SWITCHES, LIGHTS, AND KNOBS.

OH, CUT THE BLEEDING HEART CRAP.

WE'VE ALL GOT OUR SWITCHES, LIGHTS, AND KNOBS

TO DEAL WITH, STRIKER.

DOWN HERE, THERE ARE HUNDREDS AND THOUSANDS

OF BLINKING, BEEPING, AND FLASHING LIGHTS,

BLINKING AND BEEPING AND FLASHING.

THEY'RE FLASHING, AND THEY'RE BEEPING.

I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!

THEY'RE BLINKING AND BEEPING--

SIR! SIR, CONTROL YOURSELF!

PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, SIR.

I'M ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, STRIKER.

YOU'LL HAVE TO PULL THAT LEVER PANEL OFF.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

JUST RIP IT OFF.

ROGER.

ELAINE, SCREWDRIVER.

OK, THE PANEL'S OFF.

FIND A PIECE OF METAL AND SHOVE IT IN THERE.

A PIECE OF METAL?

ANY PIECE OF METAL WILL DO.

I'D GIVE ANYTHING TO GET SOME METAL UP THERE.

HERE WE ARE SURROUNDED BY METAL,

AND IT'S USELESS.

MIGHT AS WELL WRITE THEM OFF.

LET'S CLOSE UP THE BRIDGE.

LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.

CLOSE IT UP.

LIGHTS OUT.

WHERE AM I GOING TO FIND

A PIECE OF METAL HERE?

IN SPACE?

AT THIS HOUR?

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS]

WILL THIS WORK, TED?

THANKS.

HOLD IT, MURDOCK.

I'VE GOT SOMETHING THAT MIGHT WORK.

WAIT.

A BOBBY PIN.

A BOBBY PIN?

WHAT THE HELL'S A MAN DOING

WITH A BOBBY PIN?

HUH...

LIGHTS ON.

ALL RIGHT, STRIKER,

IF A BOBBY PIN'S ALL YOU GOT,

IT'LL HAVE TO DO.

SHOVE IT IN THERE AND SHORT THAT THING OUT.

TED, IT'S WORKING.

WE'RE LOSING SPEED.

SHE FEELS LIKE SHE'S GOING TO BREAK UP.

SHE'S STARTING TO SHAKE.

SHE'S STARTING TO SHAKE.

SHE'S STARTING TO SHIMMY.

SHE'S STARTING TO SHIMMY.

SHE'S STARTING TO--

SHE'S STARTING TO, UH...

WHAT? WHAT'S SHE STARTING TO DO?

WHAT'S SHE STARTING TO DO?

SHUDDER, TED?

SHE'S STARTING TO SHUDDER.

SHE'S STARTING TO SHUDDER.

HOW BAD IS IT?

AT LEAST SHE'S NOT CRACKING UP.

SHE'S BEGINNING TO CRACK UP.

AAH!

AAH!

AAH!

AAH! AAH!

AAH! AAH!

ALL RIGHT, QUIET!

QUIET!

QUIET!

WE'RE MONITORING YOU.

KEEP HER NOSE UP. DON'T FIGHT HER.

I'M TRYING, BUT SHE'S FIGHTING ME.

TED, THERE'S ALPHA BETA.

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO COME IN

PRETTY LOW TO LAND THIS THING.

IS THAT DIFFICULT, TED?

SURE, IT'S DIFFICULT. COMING IN LOW

IS PART OF EVERY TEXTBOOK APPROACH.

IT'S JUST SOMETHING

YOU HAVE TO DO WHEN YOU LAND.

HUH?

Murdock: STRIKER, WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME,

BUT I'LL SAY THIS...

YOU PULL THIS OFF,

AND A LOT OF PEOPLE JUST MIGHT FORGET

THAT MACHO GRANDE EVER HAPPENED.

WE'LL GET HER DOWN AND DOWN SAFE.

STRIKER,

BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER,

THERE'S SOMETHING IMPORTANT YOU SHOULD KNOW.

SLOW DOWN! THE BASE IS STRAIGHT AHEAD.

THEY'VE JUST HOOKED IN TO A COMMUNICATIONS SATELLITE,

AND AS WE SPEAK,

OUR TRANSMISSIONS ARE BEING BROADCAST

ALL OVER THE WORLD.

BILLIONS OF PEOPLE ARE

HANGING ON OUR EVERY WORD.

THE EYES, EARS, NOSES, AND THROATS

OF EVERY AMERICAN ARE ON YOU,

EACH ONE OF THEM HOPING AND PRAYING

THAT YOU COULD PUT THAT SHIP DOWN

IN ONE PIECE.

TED, WE'RE NOT STOPPING.

NOW, STRIKER,

START BY POSITIONING YOUR LANDING GEAR.

LOWER YOUR FLAPS.

JUST KEEP HER LEVEL.

THERE'S NO LOOKING BACK.

PUT ON YOUR HORIZON SENSOR AND LEVEL HER OFF.

TED, WE'RE GOING BACK UP.

ELAINE, YOU'D BETTER GET READY

FOR THIS LANDING.

KEEP UP YOUR STABILIZERS.

DON'T LOSE CONTROL.

NOW FIRE BOTH JETS AND HANG ON WITH BOTH HANDS.

BOTH HANDS, DAMN IT!

I'LL SAY ONE THING,

YOU BRING DOWN THAT FLYING HUNK OF JUNK,

YOU'RE OK IN MY BOOK.

DON'T FIGHT HER, STRIKER.

HOLD HER UP.

I HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR FLIGHT.

UH, FLY PAN UNIVERSE AGAIN.

AAH!

Murdock: YOU GOT TO HIT THE CENTER OF THAT STRIP.

ONE OR TWO FEET OFF, YOU'RE A DEAD DUCK.

[SIRENS]

LET'S GO HOME.

THANK YOU FOR FLYING PAN UNIVERSE.

HAVE A NICE DAY.

Man: IT WAS MY PLEASURE.

Mary: I HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR FLIGHT.

Woman: THANK YOU.

Mary: YOU'RE WELCOME.

Man: EXCUSE ME.

OHH!

SHIFT THOSE TURBO CHARGERS.

NOW CHECK THE SENSORS.

DEPLOY YOUR SECONDARY BOOSTERS.

Man: IS THERE A COURTESY PHONE AROUND HERE?

HELLO. WE'D LIKE YOU TO HAVE THIS FLOWER.

WE'RE WITH THE CHURCH OF LUNAR CONSCIOUSNESS.

HELLO.

WE'D LIKE YOU TO HAVE THIS FLOWER.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE A DONATION?

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Murdock: YOU'RE ALMOST HOME.

HOLD HER.

HOLD HER.

STAY WITH HER, STRIKER.

IT TAKES A SOFT TOUCH.

DON'T LET HER GET AWAY FROM YOU

THIS TIME, STRIKER.

I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD TIME,

BUT IS IT POSSIBLE TO GET MY BRIEFCASE BACK?

ST-ST-STRIKER!

STRIKER.

TED STRIKER?

YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LAUGH LIKE THAT?

YES. YES, I DO.

WHAT DID HE GET FOR TELLING THE TRUTH?

A ONE-WAY TICKET TO THE FUNNY FARM.

DES MOINES INSTITUTE.

THEN YOU KNOW IT.

WE'RE FAMILIAR WITH IT.

JUST DON'T COME APART ON ME NOW.

JIMMY, DO YOU LIKE IT

WHEN SCRAPS HOLDS ON TO YOUR LEG

AND RUBS UP AND DOWN?

YOU WERE GASSED BY R.O.K.?

I GOT IT! I GOT IT!

YOUR NAVIGATOR MR. UNGER.

FIRST OFFICER MR. DUNN.

UNGER. OVEUR.

OVEUR. DUNN.

LET'S GET TO THE TOWER.

WE HAVE NO TOWER.

NO TOWER?

JUST A BRIDGE, SIR.

WHY THE HELL AREN'T I NOTIFIED ABOUT THESE THINGS?

HOW WOULD YOU HANDLE THIS?

I WANT TO KNOW ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING

THAT'S HAPPENED UP TILL NOW.

WELL, FIRST THE EARTH COOLED.

THEN THE DINOSAURS CAME,

BUT THEY GOT BIG AND FAT

AND DIED AND TURNED INTO OIL.

AND THEN THE ARABS CAME

AND BOUGHT MERCEDES BENZES.

GIVE THE COURT YOUR IMPRESSION OF MR. STRIKER.

I DON'T DO IMPRESSIONS.

MY TRAINING IS IN PSYCHIATRY.

DO YOU SWEAR ON THE CONSTITUTION

TO TELL THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH,

AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH, SO HELP YOU GOD?

AIN'T NO THING.

THE SECOND TIME BOMB ON YOUR RIGHT.

CERTAINLY.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THEY'LL BE EXPECTING US TO DO.