All language subtitles for ZZZZ FBI TRUE

"The host will
let you in soon." Okay.

Oh, what's
going on here?

Samantha and I have
a "Zoom meeting."

Our editor is giving
us "feedback."

Sorry for the
industry jargon.

I'm in
publishing now.

Hello?

Hi, Sharon.
Uh, good to see you.

Oh, this
is on camera.

I'd just assumed
it was an audio call,

given Samantha's
choice of blouse.

All right,

let's talk about
The Other Founding Father:

The Isaac Higgintoot Story.

I read the manuscript.

That means"book."

And I have to tell you,
I didn't like it.

Oh! This is your
fault, Samantha.

- I loved it.
- I did it. Me.

That's amazing. I'm so excited.

Not as excited as I am.
I can tell you this now.

I had to fight for this one.

We usually do trashy schlock

like vampire novels... Dreadful.

...and beach reads
for horned-up housewives.

I'm listening.

But this, this is a real book.

In fact, I got
several interested nods

from David Remnick
at a dinner party

at Balthazar last night.

These fancy-pants
New Yorkers.

Gimme a twice-baked
at Tony Roma's

and I'm
a happy pappy.

So, what are the next steps?

Oh, well, we're looking
at a spring launch.

Probably do a little book tour,

maybe some morning TV.

Oh, my God. You're
gonna meet Hoda.

But in the meantime, we'll need
to have one of our people

verify your primary sources.

But I'm your
primary source.

I was sort of hoping
that the copious notes

I took would suffice.
The actual

primary source documents
are incredibly old.

I-I wouldn't want
to risk sending them.

Don't worry, we'll come to you.

Our authenticator is a pro.

He will handle them with care.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a Zoom about
an erotic vampire novel

called Bitten and Smitten.

What about appliance erotica?

Is that a genre?

Could that be a genre?

They shouldn't
need verification.

Everything I told
you was true.

Yeah, it's shocking
that they won't

take a ghost's
word for it.

The Maytag Chronicles.

Writes itself.

# #

What's Jay doing
in land ship?

Shame-eatingSonic.

Oh, he has a whole system.

He eats in his car
so Sam doesn't see.

Then three pumps

of spray to mask
the onion rings.

Then he gets out,
leaving the windows

open, of course,
to air out the Mini.

What about the bag?
She's gonna see the bag.

Oh, don't you worry
about the bag.

He puts it in the
outside trash bin.

But not on top. Like
the true sociopath he is,

he lifts the top
layer of garbage,

tucking said
Sonic beneath.

All for naught, because
we're going to tell Sam

he had fast food.

But, damn it, you
gotta love the effort.

- Jay, look out.
- What?

He's about to step
on that poor little snail.

It looks totally fine.

But his foot went
right through it.

Oh, my God.

Thor can touch it.

Does that mean
that that's...

Yes.

Ghost snail.

Hey.

What are we
going to do?

They're going to pull
the plug on the book.

I'm going to be
the laughingstock

- of the publishing world.
- Hey, babe.

Just getting back
from the gym.

I worked the traps
and the lats.

And the tots and
the onion rings.

I love this guy, but who does
he think he's kidding?

Jay, we have a big problem.

The publisher wants to see
our primary source documents

and is sending someone here
to verify them.

But your primary
source is a ghost.

And he's accurately
diagnosed the problem.

Wait a minute.

There might be a solution.

It's a
long shot,

but when I was alive,
I kept a diary.

Isaac says he kept a diary.

Ooh, good gasp.

What? Where is it?

I hid it at Fort Ticonderoga,

the site of my legendary and
heroic surrender to the British.

I know exactly

where I put it.
This is
incredible.

But there's no guarantee
it's still there,

and even if it is,
it could have degraded by now.

But
there's a chance.

If I had listened
to that kind of naysaying,

I never would have successfully
surrendered that fort,

nor led the brave retreat
at Bunker Hill.

This guy was unrivaled when
it came to running away.

Oh, thank you, Sass.

Isaac says
it's at Fort Ticonderoga.

I used to go there

with my Pinecone Troop.

Oh, the cobblestone
can be uneven.

It's a little dangerous.
Although, not as dangerous

as some of our
other field trips.

Fort Ticonderoga's

only like
three hours away, babe.

Let's go get that diary.

- I'll come.
- Pete's in, too. I'll drive.

Shotgun.
Shotgun.

- Sorry, Pete called it first.
- Well, I was joking.

He's a ghost.

Sam, ghosts
sit in the back.

- Whoa.
- Whoa.

Ugly. Oof.

Oh, a ghost animal.

It's been a while
since we've had

one of those
around here.

I didn't even know
that was a thing.

Very rare.

Most animals go right up
because hearts so pure.

He must be
one bad snail.

What did you do,

little guy?

I shall call you...

the Escarghost.

Ooh, I get it,
'cause he's a ghost

and he was
by the car.

He's so cute.

I think I'm going
to keep him as a pet.

Why would it
be your pet?

Maybe I want it
to be my pet.

And let's not
bring up

the whole "my son
killing you" thing again.

It's getting played out.

What if we
all took turns

with the snail?
Like me and

the other groupies did
with David Crosby,

who wasn't a pet, but he
had a lot of back hair.

Count me out.

I don't want him.

I honestly don't get
the whole pet thing.

Pet is animal that
live in your house

until one day,
you eat.

Like Balder,

my loyal and
delicious goat.

How many animal friends
did this guy eat?

No, I understand what a pet is,

I'm just not interested
in having one. It's dumb.

Wasn't your
obituary photo

of you
and your dog?

That was my parents' dog,
and honestly,

I wasn't that into him.

You have to walk them
and pick up their crap.

That was also the
downside to David Crosby.

Okay fine, let's go with
Flower's "share the snail" plan.

Yes, very fair, we all get turn,

and Thor promise not to eat it,

even though snail look delicious

and Thor not eat food
in a thousand years.

See, it's that
second part.

It's just not
as reassuring

as maybe
you're intending.

But I say "not eat."

Even though Thor want to.

Mm-mm.

That secondpart.

The name "Ticonderoga" was
derived from an Iroquois word

meaning "between
two waters,"

or "where
the waters meet."

I'm just saying,
the whole concept of shotgun

is sort of dependent on the fact

that everyone
can hear each other.

You'll get it on the way back.
Stop complaining.

If he calls it first
when we're headed to the car.

The rules
are very simple.

Now, if you'll all follow me,
I'll show you

a Revolutionary-era
tallow candle

that still has a wick in it.

Let's go.

Hang back.

But... the wick.

Jay, we need to find
the northeast gate.

Isaac says he
hid his diary

under a loose stone,
three paces from

the end of
the wall.

I feel like I'm
in National Treasure.

I frickin' love this.

Oh, here's a ghost.
I got this.

Hey, I'm Sam.
Yes, I can see you.

I fell down a flight of stairs.

Two weeks in a coma,

woke up with
the ability to see ghosts.

Sam, I can see this guy. Hi.

Hey.
Oh.

I think he's a re-enactor.
You see the Nikes?

Dead giveaway.

We're looking for
the northeast gate.

It's right over there.

And he's got
an energy drink.

That's another clue.

So, here's
the end of the wall.

Okay, one, two, three.

Then it should be right here,

unless Isaac's
got really tiny steps.

How tall is he?
I don't really know him.

Try to find
the loose stone.

Hurry up,

the next tour's gonna
be by any second.

I think
I found it.

Honestly, I was
hoping it would be

a little bit harder,
like a puzzle to solve.

Oh, my God. We found it.

Okay, let's go.

- Shotgun.
- Shotgun.

Sorry, Jay.

Oh, come on.

This is ridiculous.

Say it faster next time.
You snooze, you lose.

Uh, Jay?

We have a problem.

There is absolutely

nothing useful
in this diary.

What?
That can't be true.

Jay?

"Monday, April 4th, 1775.

"I had something
called a sandwich today.

"Apparently, they're
all the rage back in England.

Don't think
they're gonna catch on here."

Okay, not
prescient,

but no one can say
Isaac Higgintoot

was afraid of
taking a bold stance.

The next entry is
four weeks later.

"The sandwich
is not growing on me."

Huh, so nothing

about the war or
the birth of the nation?

I swear
I wrote

something about
George Washington.

Oh, you did.

"I saw Washington
eating a sandwich today.

He seemed
to enjoy it."

Damn it, Isaac,
this is all sandwich talk

and mutton pie recipes.

Where is the stuff
in the book, Isaac?

Where's all the
stuff you told me?

This is crazy.

I thought I wrote it all down.

How do you not
like a sandy?

Did you try turkey
or roast beef?

Ooh, don't say "roast beef"
in front of Sass.

His girlfriend left him
to smell Arby's.

Thank you for
rallying to my defense.

You know, it's possible
I was trying to limit

the revolution talk
in case the British won.

You just don't want
to leave a paper trail.

We literally need
a paper trail.

That was the
whole point of us

going to get
this diary.

What's in here
won't help us at all.

Yet.

Ooh, Jay's
cooking something up.

We have a 250-year-old diary
with mostly blank spaces.

What if we just
fill in the blanks?

You mean forge the diary?
That doesn't seem ethical.

What ethical?
We got the real guy here.

I mean,
maybe he's here,

based on what
you've told me

and what I've
chosen to believe.

Jay's right.

It's all stuff that
happened to me,

and it will
be my words.

Well, to be honest,
about being dishonest--

hold for laughs--

I think it's
a good plan.

I mean, the diary
itself is already old,

and that would be the
hardest part to fake.

Okay, but who's gonna do
all the old-timey handwriting?

Oh, Jay's actually
really good at calligraphy.

He took a class
to do our wedding invites.

Aw, thanks, babe.
Anything for you.

Jay's a wife guy.
I was a wife guy.

But my wife was
a Jerry gal.

So, what do you think, babe?

Are we gonna rewrite history?

It looks that way.

Ah, to the inkwell.

Huzzah!

We have fun.

Thorfinn,

hurry up.
It's my turn with the snail.

Okay, everyone.

Stay calm, but...

Thor might have lost Escarghost.

Thor. Did you eat
the Escarghost?

No, you must believe me.

Thor not eat
delicious-looking snail.

It's just not as persuasive
as you want it to be.

Thor, I don't think
I can be with someone

who would do something like this
to one of God's creatures.

I mean, the man's probably
murdered thousands of people.

Snail is where
you draw the line?

Exactly. Well said, Trevor.

Flower, please.

As sure as Heimdall
guards the Bifrost,

Thor not do this.

I ain't buying it.

This is low,
even for you.

That snail was

our pet, Thor.

I didn't eat snail!

Okay, I took him.
I took the Escarghost.

- What?
- You did?

He's right here...

...safe and sound.

But why did you take him?

Well, Thor was talking
about eating him,

and I didn't want
the little guy to get hurt.

Look at that little punim.

You just said you didn't
even like animals.

I was lying.

What kind of a person
doesn't like animals?

I friggin' love 'em.

Then why did you lie?

It doesn't matter.
What matters is,

I'm not letting anything
happen to this little guy.

And the fact that none of you
knew where he was

for the past hour

just proves that
he's better off with me.

Mm...

This is exactly what happened
with David Crosby.

Marla got super possessive
and then, suddenly,

the rest of us were fighting
for Stephen Stills scraps.

It was dark, man. Ugh.

All right, guys,
this might be an all-nighter.

Sharon said the authenticator
will be here in the morning.

"The Authenticator."

Sounds like a WWF wrestler.

Live from Madison Square Garden,

it's "Macho Man" Randy Savage
versus The Authenticator!

- Pete, it's just very loud.
- Okay.

- What am I writing?
- Okay, let's start with,

uh, Lexington and Concord.

We have a whole chapter
about that in the book.

April 19, 1775.

Okay, have him write this:

As I survey the battlefield,
I am aware

of the smell of gunpowder

and the moans of agony
from my fallen comrades.

Okay, "As I survey
the battlefield,

I am aware of the
smell of gunpowder..."

"And the moans
of agony

of my fallen comrades,"
let's go,

the authenticator
will be here soon.

To verify your ass!

Maybe this is why your
wife was a Jerry gal.

Jay, why have
you only written,

like, two words?

Calligraphy is hard.

This is why
Penelope Adelman-Huffnagle

didn't make the cut
for our wedding.

Ah! What's going on up here?

We're forging Isaac's diary
from the Revolutionary War.

Oh. That sounds
even more interesting

than watching the water heater.

- I'm in.
- Now get this down.

The British had us
surrounded on both sides,

like two slices of redcoat bread
on a rebel sandwich.

And we're back
on sandwiches.

# #

And as I lay there dying,

a profound thought occurs to me.

Perhaps I should have
washed my hands.

Relatable. Relatable.

Hey, Sharon. Yeah.

I, uh, I just got to the house.

I'll call you once I test
the Higgintoot materials.

Okay.

Hello?

And that does it.

Nicely done, Jay.

This guy's good.

That looks amazing.

- I can't believe we did it.
- Did what?

Geez, how many times do you
people need this repeated?

We forged Isaac's diary

because the original was useless
and there's an authenticator

on his way here right now.

But this thing looks legit.

I bet we get away with it.

Why are you telling me this?

Uh, Sam... You don't look familiar.

Do they hide you behind the
water tank or something?

He's not one of us.
He's a Living.

Yeah,
he's got shoes.

Must be nice.

Sharon sent me.

I'm the authenticator.

The Authenticator!

From the top rope!

Sorry, it's a bad situation.

Humor is how I deal with things.

# #

All right, Trev,
what's going on?

I'm just giving him some
time in the shaft of light.

Then we're watching
The Cutting Edge.

Shelly loves a rom-com.

You obviously have
a deep connection to animals.

So what was this all about?
Why were you acting so weird?

At first, I didn't want
to get close to the snail.

I didn't want to bond with him.

Because I didn't
want to let him down.

I didn't want to let him down
like I did Bucky.

Bucky?

You know that dog,
the one from my obituary photo?

- Oh.
- Well, he wasn't
my parents' dog.

He was my dog.

And he was my best friend.

Not much of a competition.

I mean, your other friends
dumped your body in a lake,

but go on.
Every day,

when I would get home from work,
Bucky would be right there

at the door waiting for me.

He would jump up on me,

and I would tell him
he was a good boy.

But then one day,

the day I died,

I never came home.

I just feel
so guilty.

He was never anything but loyal
to me and I let him down.

It's not like
you went on vacation, Trevor.

You died,
and that's not your fault.

Dying's not
any of our fault.

In my case,
it was Hetty's son's fault.

There it is,
she worked it in.

You not coming home that night,

that was one time in a lifetime
of you being there for him.

Thanks, guys.

Poor Bucky.

I still wish I could just
tell him that he was a good boy

one last time.

Try to remember all the
good times you two had.

Because I'll tell you this,
that's what Bucky remembers.

Or remembered.

He's doubtlessly
worm food by now.

Oh.

I'm sorry, no.

Your dog is 35 years old.

My bad.

Sharon,
I don't know what to say.

What were you thinking?

I put myself on the line
for you.

- My boss is gonna be furious.
- The truth is,

I had a real primary source,
but there was a flood

in the basement
and it got destroyed.

The ease with which the lies
just fly out of her mouth.

Whatever.

We can't publish a nonfiction
book without sources.

I'm sorry. The book is dead.

And with it, my legacy.

Isn't there anything we can do?

You liked the book, Sharon.

Could we repackage it
as historical fiction?

You said you guys
mostly do fiction anyway.

This is not the kind of fiction
that we do.

Our audience
needs something juicy

they can sink their teeth into.

And that gives me an idea.

The storyteller to the rescue.

The Storyteller!

Body-slamming illiteracy!

That was my best one.

And that was The Cutting Edge.

Pretty good, huh?

Hey. Listen.

I was carrying around
that stuff for a long time.

Thank you for helping me
face it head-on.

Maybe I can't say it to Bucky,
but I can say it to you.

You're a good boy.

Oh, my God.

Uh, it's happening.

Uh, guys, uh,
get in here, quick!

The shaft!

Trevor's getting sucked off.

I think I am.

Last one in,

first one out, boom! T-Money.

What about Carol?

Think he just talking
about main eight.

I'm gonna
miss you all.

What's happening to me
right now,

I want this
for every single one of you.

Shouldn't Trevor
be midair by now?

Look.

The snail.

It's floating.

Oh, damn it.

He's moving so slowly.

Sorry, Trev.

Uh, this sucks.

Hey,

Isaac, uh, we just got off
the phone with the publisher.

I heard. The book is dead.

Well, it might be undead.

What do you mean?

What she means is that they
want to tell your story...

...provided your story

involves you being a vampire.

I am sorry?

Look, here's the deal:

because we lack
the proper primary sources,

the only way they're gonna
publish this book

is if it has
some sort of YA twist.

So, I'm a vampire?

My idea. You're welcome.

But everything else is the same?

Mostly. Some small tweaks.

Like, the reason
for the Revolutionary War

wasn't taxes and representation.

It was that there was
too much garlic around.

What?

Vampires don't like garlic.

No,
I know that.

This just isn't my story.

Y-You'd still be there,
doing all the same things.

You'd still be
outside the signing

of the Declaration
of Independence.

Ooh, you might have
to adjust that,

because of Isaac's
vulnerability to sunlight.

I don't want to be a vampire.

I don't blame you,
they suck.

Sam, can you tell Jay
I said that but include

Isaac's setup,
otherwise it won't make sense.

- Does he love it?
- He's processing.

Look, Isaac,
the cool thing about fantasy

is that it's a digestible way
to tell really complex stories.

Vampires hide

in the shadows

because they're afraid of what
people will think of them.

Hmm?

Well, I suppose
I can relate to that.

Plus, a book
about a delegate

to the Second
Continental Congress,

is anyone gonna read that?

But a book
about a delegate

to the Second
Continental Congress

who can turn into a bat
and terrorize the Freemasons?

Oh. Because they wouldn't
let me into their club.

I like that.

Could I also
drain the blood

from Alexander Hamilton
while he begs for mercy?

We're the ones writing it.

And this is the only way
they're gonna publish it?

Yes.

Let's give it a try.

Let's educate
the masses

in the only way
they can tolerate.

He's in, Jay.
It's all systems go

on Colonial Vampire:
Isaac Higgintooth.

I'm sorry,
did you say

"Isaac Higgintooth"?

It's a working title.

Well, I don't like it.

I love it.
Ah!

He did a Sharon.

Huzzah.

Hey, buddy, sorry,

this is taking a very long time,
and...

I got to head out.

But you-you got this.