Original subtitles

♪

The winnipeg comedy festival presents, "my generation"!

Please welcome your host, ivan decker!

Thanks!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Hello!

(applause)

Thank you all so much for coming out.

- How are you? - (cheering)

Great, welcome to the winnipeg comedy festival.

It is so nice to be here. My name is ivan decker and,

Not only am I your host for tonight's show,

I am also one of the last living millennials on earth

Who wears a suit to work.

(laughs)

So, this is the, my generation gala.

It is a gala that will highlight the struggles

We all feel about ourselves, the people who raised us,

The people we will raise.

Hopefully, we will be able to find common ground.

As long as that ground isn't too valuable,

Otherwise the boomers will price out the millennials

And build condos.

(laughs)

But there is a war going on

Between millennials and boomers.

It's been going on for quite some time.

They yell at each other on the internet.

Boomers are like, "millennials are so stupid.

You guys don't even know how to read a barometer."

And then millennials are like, "you ruined the earth."

(laughs)

So you know, a lot of good points on either side.

Meanwhile, generation x is in the middle, like,

"whatever dude, marijuana's legal.

We got our thing."

(laughs)

I would like to be the first millennial

To cut the boomers some slack.

They did the best they could with what they had.

And what they had, was being told they were gonna die

In a nuclear war every day for 26 years.

(laughs)

It was insane, I didn't know this.

Every night, the news was like,

"dig a hole in your backyard and fill it with canned peaches.

They're really gonna do it this time."

(laughs)

Every day, they were living with the idea of being

Turned into hot mist at any moment.

And they still went to work?

Millennials can't even handle it if the wi-fi cuts out.

(laughs)

We're like, "my phone doesn't work here.

I'm going home."

"oh, yeah, no problem. I do the same thing.

I'll talk to you later when you're feeling better."

Like, if millennials were the ones to be told we were

Gonna die from nukes, we wouldn't last the night.

We'd blow ourselves up. I hate waiting for things!

(laughs)

The nuke would be on the way and we'd be tracking

On our phone, like a door dash order.

23 minutes!? Hurry up!

(laughs)

The main criticism of millennials, of course,

Is that we are obsessed with technology.

You hear it all the time.

You're obsessed with tv and cell phones and computers.

Well, yeah, but we didn't invent that stuff.

(laughs)

You did.

And then you gave it to us and you're like,

"you seem pretty obsessed with that stuff we made."

Yeah, we love it.

Congratulations, I guess.

What do you want from us?

"well, if you could tell us how to have the clock

On the front not flash 12, that'd be awesome."

(laughs)

Phones and technology definitely did a lot of damage.

But they are not the only culprit.

There were other so-called innovations going on

That stunted our development as well.

Like paper towels.

(laughs)

Paper towels didn't need to exist.

We already had cloth.

(laughs)

A cloth is perfect. You wipe up a spill,

Then you dip it in water and it's new.

(laughs)

And, while you're dipping it in water,

You think about what you've done and

Take steps to improve and grow.

Juice doesn't go on the floor.

Why did I put the juice on the floor?

It's gonna get kicked. You become a better person.

But then, someone came along and went,

But what if we sold a roll of garbage?

(laughs)

That's it, that's all it is.

There are only two states of being for paper towel -

Garbage and waiting to become garbage.

(laughs)

It just sits on a roll in your kitchen, like,

"put me in something gross."

(laughs)

And it worked because they had a crazy marketing campaign.

We all fell for it, boomers and millennials, alike.

They showed people in the commercials using

Paper towel for things no one would use a paper towel for,

Like an entire pot of spaghetti would

Hit the kitchen floor.

The person in the commercial's like,

"looks like a two square job!"

(laughs)

By a mop, you lunatic!

(laughs)

Then it was so successful,

There were multiple paper towel companies.

They started competing like, "ours is quilted.

Ours is double quilted. Ours is a whole tree.

Ladies, throw out your tampons, we got this!"

(laughs)

"you need to get rid of a lake,

Throw this roll in there and that lake is gone!"

(laughs)

But then, my favorite thing happened

In the paper towel marketing campaign,

Which is that they were trying to boast about

How strong the paper towels were.

And they showed somebody in the commercial

Using a paper towel, then ringing it out

And using it again. That's a cloth, idiot!

(laughs)

You came all the way back around to cloth.

You just accidentally reinvented the thing

You should have been the entire time.

Congratulations! You ruined the earth.

(laughs)

All right. What do you say, audience?

Are you ready to get the show rolling?

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Amazing.

(applause)

This comedian is a member of the baby boomers,

A generation that grew up with the

Kennedy assassination, vietnam, the moon landing,

Watergate and the stock market crash.

Or as my generation calls that,

One 24 hour news cycle.

Please welcome, simon b kotter.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(applause)

Woo, yeah!

Hi, I'm simon, I'm a baby boomer.

I'm not a typical baby boomer.

Boomers are health obsessed.

I think you can take one look at me and

Know that's not true.

(laughs)

I do wear a health monitor though.

It's a, my fatbit.

(laughs)

You press a button and it tells you how many steps to cake.

(laughs)

I have three kids 'cause...

I wasn't paying attention.

(laughs)

I have one x generation and two y generation.

People say, why do they call them

Generation x and generation y?

And I say, it's like high school math.

No one's figured out what their true value is yet.

(laughs)

I'm glad you laughed at a math joke.

I'm bad at math. I think it's,

My math teacher in high school hated me.

She would give me tougher questions than the other kids.

I'm not being paranoid. This is how much

This woman hated me. This was my final math question.

"a train leaves toronto for new york at 9:00 am...

Be on it."

(laughs)

I don't mean to sound like a whiny baby boomer,

But would you agree with me, kids are way more spoiled

Than when we were growing up?

(cheering)

Yeah, they get everything now:

X-box, playstation, game boy.

You know what I played with when I was a kid?

Another kid.

(laughs)

We made our own fun growing up, didn't we?

You remember playing red rover?

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Yeah, you get all your friends and line up and

Hold hands and you'd pick the girl you really liked and

You'd run and try to break her arm.

- Remember? - (laughs)

What about british bulldog? Yeah, what was that?

Rugby on cement without the ball.

That's what that was.

When we were growing up,

Grown ups didn't care if we lived or died.

(laughs)

How many of you went to a school that in the gym,

They had that rope?

(cheering & applause)

60 feet to the ceiling.

Eight-year-old kids hanging from steel beams.

(laughs)

And the gym teacher, mr. Safety...

"wow, that's high."

Better put this one inch thick gray mat under there.

(laughs)

That way, when he falls, we have something to

Roll him up in. It's perfect.

(laughs)

Even your own parents didn't care if you lived or died.

Did you ever play ball hockey in the driveway?

What would your mom say, "don't play next to the house?

You'll break a window. Go play in the street."

(laughs)

"and, don't come home until the street lights are on."

One year we had a blackout,

I couldn't get in the house for three days.

(laughs)

Kids are spoiled now. They get all the--

They have warnings on their games and toys,

Warnings from the government.

You can't have little pieces, oh no.

They're choking hazards. Oh, my goodness, they're choke--

Anybody here play marbles?

(laughs)

There you go, billy, a bag of choking hazards.

(laughs)

Did you put them in your mouth?

Of course, you did. You had to clean them.

(laughs)

What about jax? Yeah, what was that?

Bite-size road spikes, that's what that was.

(laughs)

Get one of those caught in your throat.

The only way to get rid of it,

You had to eat the ball that came with the game.

(laughs)

These new x generation, y generation millennials,

They've got all the cool 3d graphic video games.

What? We didn't have 3d toys.

Slinky, that's what we got.

What was slinky's big thing?

You take it to the top of the stairs.

You push it, it goes to the bottom.

What doesn't?

(laughs)

My brothers did that to me every day.

(laughs)

Even our store-bought games were dangerous.

Do you remember lawn darts?

Steel tip kitty harpoons.

(laughs)

What about firecrackers?

Explosives you can buy at the corner store.

How many could you buy? How much money you got?

You could down there with a wheelbarrow and your

Dad's wallet and buy enough explosives

To blow your own head off.

And the only grownup that would say anything to you

Would be the guy that worked behind the counter.

He'd be, "hey, hey, hey, hey, you kids,

You get back here. You forgot your matches."

(laughs)

Kids are so spoiled now.

They get every protection in the world for these guys.

They have car seats. Car seats.

$500 bolted to the mainframe,

Specially angled, got a five-point star harness,

Got to duct tape the little prick in.

(laughs)

What do we have safety backseat of a car?

- Vinyl bench. - (laughs)

Your dad would go around the corner. Bishhh.

He'd stop suddenly, bam.

You're in the back, bleeding and crying.

And what would your dad say for support?

I'll come back there and give you something to cry about.

(laughs)

I mentioned we have three kids.

We were so excited about starting a family.

We had a huge dinner party, part way through dinner,

I told all our friends, we're gonna start trying

For a family now, we'd love your support.

And everyone was so generous.

"oh, you'll be the best parents. You'll love it."

But then later in the kitchen,

My buddies are like, "let me tell you, pal,

Next six, seven months of your life,

Best time of your life when you're a guy.

So, when a woman's trying to get pregnant,

She wants sex all the time."

Thinking here come the best six months of my life.

First time, bang, pregnant.

- Noooo! - (laughs)

Noo!

It's not fair.

I did my job. First shot, on goal, score.

They pull me for the season.

(laughs)

You guys have been brilliant, winnipeg.

Thank you so much! Have a good night, thank you!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

As a millennial, this performer is too young

To remember a time when pot was something

You cooked your soup in.

Hash was something you ate with eggs.

And acid was something you threw in a guy's face

For cheating at poker.

(laughs)

Please welcome, noor kidwai!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

♪ (applause) ♪

Hello!

Alright, so a guy told me the other day,

Millennials go until the age 38.

Yeah, he's like, "you're a millennial.

I bet you can't even change your oil."

It's like, "I bet you can't back up your iphone."

(laughs)

That's actually my favorite thing,

Is watching one generation hate on the generation they raised.

(laughs)

Like "agh, millennials are the worst."

It's like, "oh, the ones you're directly responsible for?"

That's like building a house,

Standing outside your house and being like,

Well, that's a crappy house.

(laughs)

Yeah, ya gonna fix it? It's like,

"naw, I'm just gonna criticize it."

(laughs)

My favorite is like, "oh, kids these days have it easy."

It's like, "yeah, that's 'cause life's easier, you idiot."

You know, there used to be a time where we had

A bad harvest, half the city would die.

Now you press two buttons on your phone,

Someone's biking you a hamburger.

(laughs)

Jobs are easier too, that's supposed to be a good thing.

This guy was like, "oh, we gotta bring back tough jobs."

He's like, "we gotta bring back coal mining jobs."

I was like, "for who?"

(laughs)

It's like, I can't work in a coal mine.

I'm a millennial, I've got asthma and allergies.

(laughs)

Light on my hat will go off.

You're like, guys, I need to take my anxiety medication.

(laughs)

I read this article the other day.

It said millennials might be the first generation

To have a life expectancy of 150.

Yeah, they said they're eventually gonna be growing

Organs and just switching them out.

Your doctor's gonna start sounding like a mechanic.

That's holding up your old liver like it's a brake pad.

Like, dude, you got to stop riding this thing so hard.

(laughs)

Like, I'll switch out your liver,

Give you a colon flush, rotate those nipples.

(laughs)

We'll see you back here in October.

I'll put in your winter ass.

(laughs)

I'll tell you the best thing about our generation though.

I find us that we're very accepting.

I think that's cool, you know like...

We promote diversity. I think that's nice.

It gets a little weird sometimes.

I saw some people the other day getting mad that there

Wasn't enough diversity on this tv show, vikings.

(laughs)

Like yeah, they're vikings.

Can't just slip in a brown viking and

No one's gonna notice.

(laughs)

Is that viking wearing a turban?

What the hell?

Turns out when they weren't raping and pillaging,

They were celebrating other people's cultures.

(laughs)

Very progressive, these vikings.

(laughs)

But I think the biggest difference in our generations,

It's like we're the online generation, hey.

Everything's online.

Especially dating, online dating's everywhere.

You know, when people say online dating is easier,

It's not. No, it's hard.

It's hard trying to find love on the toilet.

- It's hard. - (laughs)

Swipe, swipe, wipe.

That's not how it's supposed to work.

(laughs)

I went out with this lady the other day,

The whole time she was trying to convince me

To quit sugar. Yeah, this is what she told me.

Sugar is 10 times more addictive than cocaine.

I'm like, that just makes me less afraid of cocaine.

(laughs)

I've resisted a kit kat bar before.

Maybe I can handle a line or two, I don't know.

(laughs)

She also told me she's non-monogamous,

Like many relationships.

You know, that actually made me more nervous.

Like think about it. You get turned down

By someone who's monogamous.

It's like, all right, she's got one spot, that's fine.

You get turned down by someone who's non-monogamous,

It's like, hey don't you got five spots to fill?

(laughs)

Like give me Tuesday afternoon.

I don't know how this works. Like, get me on the roster.

I can ride the bench a couple months.

And I really hope that's not the future of dating.

I'm gonna have to try to get into some lady's top five.

Because I know how this world works, I do.

I know if there's five spots,

I know there's only one bald spot. I know.

(laughs)

No, but luckily, I also take up a diversity spot too.

(laughs)

If you're non-monogamous and dating five white guys,

You're a racist, alright?

(laughs)

Oh, I'll gladly insinuate someone's racist to get laid.

I don't care.

(laughs)

Thank you so much, winnipeg. You guys are awesome.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

This performer grew up in an era when same-sex marriage

Meant a man sleeping with the same woman

For the rest of his life.

(laughs)

Gender equality was what you called an identical number

Of boys and girls in a classroom.

And glass ceilings were something you pushed

People through for uncovering

Your dark, terrible secret.

(laughs)

Please welcome, deborah kimmett!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

♪ (applause) ♪

So, I turned 60 and...

- (applause) - yay!

And then I bought a scarf...

Because, you know, you have to wrap yourself up.

Men don't leave you 'cause you're old.

They just don't want someone they have to unwrap.

(laughs)

I bought a scarf and I booked a bus trip...

And joined a choir.

And then I went to stratford and I bought this

Tribal looking coat, and it's made of bamboo.

And when I sweat, I smell like a burmese forest.

(laughs)

And I thought I was being original until I went out

Into the lobby at stratford and every woman

My age looks identical.

We, we, we had the same coat.

We have the, you know, the blonde bob and everything.

Well, there's a few women that go natural.

They go gray.

I, I've had heart stents and lasik surgery.

If I go natural, I'll be dead.

(laughs)

I know what you're thinking that,

Well, the carpet doesn't match the drapes.

(laughs)

Well, maybe the carpet's a shag rug from the 80s.

(laughs)

Maybe the carpet's old and has dust mites.

(laughs)

Maybe the drapes should just mind

Their own damn business, okay?

Anyway, it started to go badly

When I was in my mid-fifties.

I was at the pharmacy, I looked at the receipt and

They had given me 10% off.

(laughs)

"what's this?"

"oh, actually that's a seniors' discount."

"actually, I'm only 54."

"actually, we give it here early."

"actually, that's ridiculous."

Then, this young girl gives me the eye roll.

The eye roll that all of society will feel free

To give me once I take that discount.

Let me explain.

It's a lot like when you go to the bay and they tell you,

You have to go to the plus section.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, your ass is scaring the petites."

(laughs)

"we're gonna have someone escort you down

The escalator to the room of stretchable waistbands."

This woman at the pharmacy

Was trying to cull me from the herd.

So, I said, "take it back."

Now, have you ever tried to give a senior's discount back?

"actually, I'll have to get my calculator."

"actually, it's 10%.

You just move a decimal point."

Well, then she starts crying.

She's like, "I'm only the manager on fridays.

I have an urban planning degree from red river college."

(laughs)

She's like, "and I drive a bike to work and

I live in a tiny house."

And I go up to her and I say,

"listen, I'm sorry. It's just,

I was being rude because I feel more invisible every day."

And then she walked off like she didn't even know I existed.

(laughs)

That's called ghosting.

You know ghosting,

When you text your kids and they pretend they didn't get it.

(laughs)

But I'm getting weird.

I'm getting weirder, living alone.

Really recently, it's really been revealed.

I started narrating my own life.

(laughs)

Do you think we should have supper?

Well, you can't have supper yet.

It's four o'clock.

That'll be 12 hours of netflix. What's going on with you?

Oh, my gosh and you know, I, I don't sleep anymore.

I get up at five in the morning no matter

How late I go to bed. I just wake up,

And I think of the most ridiculous things.

Like, who was the first person that ever knits socks?

Was it a fishermen and his dyslexic sister, pearl?

(laughs)

And why do people take one yoga class and then

All of a sudden, start going, "namaste?"

(laughs)

So, I've got to manage my stress, right?

So, I try to exercise, and I tried the other--

A few months ago, to do aqua fit, you know.

And there's a health and safety issue.

Let's get a bunch of people with leaky bladders...

And put them in an aquarium of warm water and

Hope for the best.

- Yeah. - (laughs)

That's why they make you lift javex bottles because

You can lift and disinfect at the same time.

Anyway, if you go to one of these classes,

There's always a group of women in the back that talk.

They don't exercise, just talk and they do this.

They barely make a ripple.

(laughs)

Never shut up.

So, this, the teacher's there,

And I say, "sh, ladies, sh," and then I,

I get mad and I say, "shut the ---- up!"

And...

One of the old broads starts doing this,

Like trying to get me wet.

And then, she starts pushing the water.

And my god, that was the most exercise

That woman had gotten in a long time.

And then before I know it, there's noodles flying and

There's a fight broke out.

And then there's the arm, underarm...

Fat, wings flapping.

And it sounds like starlings about to take flight.

And then, whoa, boosh!

I got nailed by a skin tag.

And I had to be taken to the er.

And can you imagine the wait time for

An aqua fit related injury?

A long time. Thank you, good night.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

People say social media has turned millennials

Into a generation of narcissists

Who constantly seek validation.

I don't know if that's true, but I do know that I don't

Care what you say about me, as long as you remember

To like, share, and subscribe.

(laughs)

Give it up for bobby warrener!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my god, winnipeg.

Happy to be here.

Happy to be here, guys. I'm happy to be here.

Happy to be here mainly because it means that

At this exact moment,

I'm not looking for an apartment on craigslist.

(laughs)

Which is what everyone under 30 is doing all the time.

Uh, happy I'm not doing that.

Had to do that recently. It's the worst, right?

Trying to find a new place to live.

Got to talk to all these landlords, right?

They ask you all these weird questions, right?

Like I had this one landlord ask me this weird question.

He's like, "so bob, can you tell me

A little bit more about yourself?"

Yeah, I was like, "not if I want to live here, I can't, no."

(laughs)

Who do you think that would help, okay?

Had to pull a real millennial move recently.

Had to do that, had to move back in with the parents.

That's a millennial move,

Moving back in with the parents. That's a millennial move.

Old people can't do that, their parents are dead.

(laughs)

Had to do it though.

It wasn't as bad as I thought it might be,

Moving back in with the parents.

It was actually kind of nice 'cause I moved out very young.

So, I forgot about a lot of things that apparently,

Adults are supposed to do, because I moved out so young.

You know, like one thing apparently,

Adults are supposed to do that I completely

Forgot about is, snacks.

Forgot those existed.

Thought, we all agreed to wake up at 11,

Drink water to 'til five, spaghetti, bed.

(laughs)

Then one day my mom comes up to me.

She's like, "so bob, would you like a snack?"

I was like, "ah, what the hell?"

She's like, "a snack. It's something you have

In between meals so that you feel less hungry."

I was like, "oh, my god, mom, you idiot.

Um, that's called a cigarette."

(laughs)

I love my parents though, I love my parents.

You know, I love my dad too. My dad is really cool.

When I was growing up, my dad,

He was like a real bad ass, you know,

Real outlaw type. I remember I was

12 years old when my dad taught me how to count cards.

Yeah, it took me forever to learn,

But uh, 52.

(laughs)

Work a day job though.

Work with a lot of other millennials.

You know, it's nice.

I work with this girl and her boyfriend.

One day, the girl comes up to me,

Tells me her boyfriend is a huge foodie.

So, I go up to him, the next shift that we work together,

I'm like, "hey, man, do you know where

I can get the best sushi in the city?"

And I guess he didn't know that I knew he was

A huge foodie 'cause what he said to me,

He said, uh,

"are you just asking me that 'cause I'm japanese?"

(laughs)

Yeah, I was like, "whoa." he was like,

"how would you feel if I did that to you?"

I was like, "I'm a middle class white kid from alberta.

What would you ask me?"

(laughs)

Like, "hey man, you know where I can get the best

Kraft dinner with hotdogs cut up inside of it..."

(laughs)

"...In the city?" "oh, hell, yeah,

Go to my uncle's place, alright.

He's got a special ingredient. It's love."

(laughs)

I'm a millennial. You can tell 'cause I have tattoos.

I have tattoos.

One place I wouldn't get tattoos though,

Not gonna do it, is the face.

Don't like the face tattoos. Saw one recently,

It was the scariest one I'd ever seen in my life.

Which is saying something 'cause they're all terrifying.

But I saw a guy coming down the street,

Walking towards me with a giant face tattoo

Right across his forehead, said,

"I... Kill... Pigs."

Yeah, I was like, oh... My... God.

That butcher loves his job.

You guys have been amazing. Thank you so much.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

This performer is a millennial who quit her job

As an economist to pursue a career in stand-up comedy.

In case any of you are wondering

How screwed our country is, financially.

(laughs)

Please welcome, cassie cao!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(applause)

Hello, wow.

There's a lot of white people.

No, it's okay, I'm just noticing.

Hi...

I don't really feel like I'm in my 30s.

Yeah, you're surprised too, right?

I look, um, I think I look too nice to be in my 30s.

(laughs)

Yeah, being nice is such a 20s thing, I think.

It's like, um, it's like when people lend you money

And then don't expect you to pay them back, right.

Or like, waking up in the morning and

None of your body parts hurt. It's very 20s, you know.

(laughs)

I know. I, um, I am glad to be in my 30s.

I love having left my 20s behind.

I like saying "my 20s" like it was in the distance past.

But, I've been 30 for two months, but it's fine.

It's... It's fine. It still counts, it counts.

I was actually single up until I was 29 and,

I had made a pact with myself that if I was still

Single when I made it to 30, I would just start

Telling people that I was asexual.

Like you'd have to at that point, right?

It's like so embarrassing to have to admit

That you're not alone by choice.

(laughs)

I did meet someone though.

I, I started dating a white boy.

Oh, thank you so much. Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, I'm out here fulfilling the immigrant dream.

(laughs)

My parents are very excited. They're actually,

They're so excited because get this, okay.

He is about to graduate

From med...

...Ieval studies.

(laughs)

From medieval studies. It's like...

It's not even worth him being white, is it?

You know?

I mean, seriously, like technically,

Do you count as white, if you're poor?

It's hard to know, it's hard to know.

We met, we met on the internet, as you do.

My mother was very excited when she found out

I was taking online dating so seriously.

She would call me and she would go,

"you should try match.Com because that's where

All the really serious men are."

Have we heard this? Yeah, you and my mom chat?

Cool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, she was really convinced.

And I really had to explain it to her.

You know, I had to be like, "mom,

I'm not gonna pay for a dating service.

You know, I'm lonely, not ugly."

(laughs)

I did take online dating very seriously, very seriously.

I did all of the apps.

I didn't want to be missing a direction to swipe, you know?

And I did all the obvious ones.

I did tinder, I did bumble.

I did, oh, I did okcupid.

I've done some of the more esoteric ones.

I've done hinge and coffee meets bagel.

But my favorite one, my favorite one by far

Is this one called uber.

- Are we on it? - (laughs)

Ladies? Get on it.

All the men on there have cars.

(laughs)

So good. It's really, really good.

(laughs)

I feel like I spent so long trying to get into a

Relationship that, now that I'm in one,

It feels very anticlimactic.

Honestly, I don't know what it's all cracked up to be.

I feel like my whole life, society has really sold me

This idea that being in a relationship is like

The antidote to being single, right.

We all know that the feeling of being single is like

You've been poisoned, right?

Single people, we all know, we all know.

Now that I'm in a relationship though,

I don't really think that it is the antidote to being single.

If anything, I would think that that's far too generous.

I think if being single is like you're poisoned,

I think that being in a relationship,

At best, is like you're poisoned,

But you've made it to a hospital waiting room...

(laughs)

...Where you meet someone else

Who has also been poisoned.

Right, you lock bloodshot eyes from across the room.

Ah, your stomach flutters with acid reflux.

And as you're sharing that beautiful moment,

The nurse walks out and she tells you that actually

Prescription medications are not covered

By your health insurance plan.

And then, you...

Wait to die together.

(laughs)

I feel like that's a lot more accurate.

Thank you so much, I've been cassie cao.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

As a member of generation x,

This comedian grew up in an era with

Little to no adult supervision.

But to his credit, he didn't let that stop him from

Learning to smoke, drink,

Or have lots of unprotected sex.

Put your hands together for derek seguin!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Alright, thank you, winnipeg!

This is so cool to be here. Thank you.

As a gen x-er, I am,

I am the father of three millennials.

So, thank you for the opportunity to

Not spend time with them.

This is really nice...

'cause they've all gotten older now,

They're all old enough.

Now that we don't have any more of those stupid parents

Bibbet in our house like santa claus and the

Easter bunny and all that crap.

Right, we don't have that. So, I'm not wasting,

In my mind, I'm not gonna have to waste money on

Christmas presents anymore, right?

Thinking santa is the, you know,

He show up with his present.

Oh my god, look, you wrote that letter to santa.

And he got you the exact shoes you wanted.

"ah, I wanted this three months ago.

What a loser, santa."

I'm like, yeah, sure he worked pretty hard on that,

You little shit.

(laughs)

So, I don't waste my money anymore.

I have two daughter.

I have two daughter and both daughter have

The same favorite store.

So I'm like, this is perfect.

I get to, I get to not waste money.

I'll take this one shopping for that one,

That one shopping for this one.

That's why, even if they don't like what the

Other one picked, just give it to the one that pick it

In the first place, right?

I don't have to waste my money,

Buying the thing that they don't want.

I walk in this store, it's the most liar,

Hipster, stupid fake store in the world.

They're like, "oh, we're too cool to even put

The carpet in the place. Like it's just cement floor.

They don't even have table.

They just like stole a fire escape off a building and

Just garage the thing on there.

We're too cool.

Trying to bring back vinyl 'cause they're so cool.

Vinyl, like, selling record player this stupid bouffant,

Mickey mouse fisher price (stammers) record player.

(laughs)

I stutter when I, when I get angry.

(laughs)

But this store, they try to sell you on vinyl.

Like we're gonna sell record player.

Now crappy record play for $400.

And then we're gonna bring out people on vinyl

Selling record, like brittany spears box set for $80.

I'm like, britney spears was never on vinyl

In the first place. She missed the vinyl wave.

She's, she's more made of vinyl, kids,

Than being on vinyl.

So, we walk in this store and my daughter immediately,

So excited. She's like, "oh, my god, daddy, daddy,

Look at this t-shirt, it's so nice."

And all I saw was the price tag, right away, $80.

$80 for a t-shirt. Tabarouette, est tu malade?

And then I see the t-shirt though.

It's ac/dc t-shirt. Ac/dc. Tabarnac!

You made me turn off ac/dc on the way to this store.

(laughs)

I'm not paying $80 for a t-shirt that you hate what's on it.

I said, "listen, listen, I have good news though.

I have this t-shirt.

I was at the 1991 thunderstruck tour.

You can have mine. I paid $12 for it."

(laughs)

You can get it. It's in my third drawer

With all my other painting clothes.

It's yours, you can have it.

And then, and then these millennials,

They think they're so smart, right?

You can never, they think--

They have to argue everything.

My daughter said to me, "oh dad,

I don't want your stupid old t-shirt.

This one," check, this is what she said,

"this one, it's vintage."

And I'm like, "haha! Stupid kid!

Vintage means old, you loser!"

(laughs)

"and you go to english school, you dummy."

(laughs)

Vintage means...

I'm like, "no, you can't have that.

Pick something else. This is stupid.

You're not having an ac/dc t-shirt."

So, she picked up this pair of jean.

She picked up this pair of jean and she's,

It's like she's looking at something sacred.

She's like, "oh my god, daddy.

Oh, my god. Look at these jean.

0h, my god, daddy, they're the perfect mom jean."

The perfect mom jean?

I'm like, wait a second now. What is happening?

When did mom jean become a compliment for jeans?

Mom jean, like, if I see jeans that are,

"oh my god, those are a mom jeans, ugh."

They have that extra little poche to catch the

Badunka donk or whatever. Ah, what is that?

Where are they even getting the zippers for

These high waist jean?

The coat factory called, they need their zippers back.

(laughs)

Like what angry, resentful fashion designer has

Convinced you ladies, that these look nice.

They don't look nice. And listen, I'm a feminist.

I'm, I'm not telling ladies how to wear.

I'm not saying like, you have to wear low rise jean

To show like half your pubis or whatever.

No, you just wear whatever you want.

I'm just saying, you think those look nice.

Guess what? You're wrong!

They do not look nice. Like, is it practicality?

Is it so that you can get at your text messages faster?

You're just walking along like, "oh, I got a text.

There we go."

- (laughs) - put it back.

(laughs)

So gross.

And that -- they always have-- girls,

Girl's shirt, like, look, see,

I wear my shirt past my belt, right.

Lady's shirt, the way they're designed is to

Always end at the belt of the pant.

These high waist jean, my daughter,

Every day I come home, my daughter's cutting

Her shirt to finish with the high waist jean.

She reaches for a cup, I'm like, why?

Just a little bit of under teet.

We don't need that in the house.

(laughs)

When I do her laundry,

I'm washing nothing but collars and sleeves.

It's stupid. The point is,

My generation's the best. Theirs is the worst.

And you are the best audience ever.

Thank you so much, winnipeg.

Have a great evening, good night!

♪ (cheering & applause continues) ♪

Well, folks, that's our show.

I think the important thing to remember is that

No matter what generation you're a part of,

To the people of the future, we'll all seem

Equally terrible and racist. Goodnight!

♪ (cheering & applause continues) ♪

♪